All language subtitles for An.idiot.abroad.S01E03.aAF.English-WWW.MY-SUBS.CO

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The seven wonders of the world.

Christ, the redeemer,
the Taj Mahal,

the great pyramids,

truly man's greatest achievements.

But there is one man who
sees it differently.

It is like a pylon.

Karl Pilkington.

I don't know the politically
correct term, moron, I think.

He's a round, empty-headed
chimp-like monc moron, buffoon, idiot.

And he's a friend.

He's a typical englander and doesn't
like going out of his comfort zone.

I just think it would be amazing
to send him around the world.

What we would like to see is
him experience other cultures,

other peoples, and see if any way we
can change his outlook on the world.

I've been to many exotic places.

I genuinely think travel
broadens the mind.

I want him to hate it.

I want him to hate every minute
of it for my own amusement.

Nothing is funnier than Karl in a
corner being poked by a stick.

I am that stick.

And now I have the might
of Sky behind me.

This is one of the funniest,
most expensive practical jokes

I've ever done, and
it's gonna be great.

Just let me go home!

Jesus Christ.

Sync by n17t01 & honeybunny
www.MY-SUBS.com

Karl, you may have seen

this place in the film "Indiana Jones and
last crusade"...

Petra, in Jordan.

Extraordinary ancient city
carved into the rock.

I suppose it's like a cave.

In a way.
***

I mean, I'd love to live there.
I'd love that to be my house.

Would you?
It would be amazing.

But what I say about things
like this is,

you're better to be
in the cave across from it

where you're looking at that.

You're getting the nice view.

The people living in this
are looking at my hole.

Do you know what I mean?

I always think about
nice houses and stuff.

You're better off in the
council block across the road.

'Cause you're looking
at a stately home.

'Cause you're looking
at the niceness.

They're looking at the grimness.

Yeah. But you're living
in the grimness.

We haven't seen the
inside for a start.

You're saying that's amazing.

I'm saying it looks
good from the outside.

That's the sort of thing that,
on an estate agent, you'll go,

"let's go and see that."

Then you go, "hang on a minute.

Why ain't it been sold yet?"

There's a reason.

The inside's not that good.

Well, let me know.

Let me know if it's worth buying.

And, also, what does it face?

'Cause if there's a shack across
the road, I'm not buying it.

I'll buy the shack.

Right.
That's what I'm saying.

When I started this off, there was no
mention of going to places like Israel.

Seven wonders of the world.
That will be all right.

Where are they?
Nowhere dangerous.

Oh, they're in Jordan.

Well, what are we doing here?

Israel's bad news.

I don't know why we just
couldn't go straight to Jordan,

see the wonder, go home.

When we went to India,
there was none of this.

We went straight there.

There was no stopping off.

Let's just nip to Afghanistan.

There was none of that.

Straight there.

So why are we messing about here?

I mean, maybe it's not that bad,
but all I know is, whenever you

hear about Israel, it's problems.

That's all you see on the news.

You never have a "and
finally, a happy story.

The world's largest marrow
has been grown in Israel."

It doesn't happen, that.

It's never a fun story.

It's the... it's kicking off again.

I sort of feel like that
relationship that that bloke

had, you know, the one who
climbed a mountain and ended up

caught in the rope of his mate?

That's what Steve's like.

He's caught in the rope and is
leaving me here dangling in [bleep]

I'm staying out of this place.

Do you know what I mean?

You got blokes walking
around with guns.

I just feel like I'm constantly
on alert, 'cause there is an

edginess to it, isn't there?

[ Shouting in Arabic ]

Aah! Aah!

Ow!

I can't breathe.

Oh, my God.

[ Shouts in Arabic ]

What?

I don't know what you're saying.

Stop hitting me on the head!

Aah!

Be good!

Be good!

I'm being good.

Be good!

Talk to me!

Are you English?

Are you English?

Yes, talk to me!

Who are you?

What do you want?

What are you doing
with the Israelis?

I'm just here on a holiday.

Yes, on holiday!

You are a spy!

You are a [bleep] spy!

I'm not a [bleep] spy [bleep]

You are a spy.
Who is your manager?

What is the number of him?

It's in me mobile.

What mobile?
What is the number of him?

***

I don't even know me
mum and dad's number!

Give me the [bleep] number
of the Shabach.

Who are you giving this [bleep]

Sky! Sky! Sky!

- Why Sky?
- Sky1.

Sky 1?

It's pretty...
pretty frightening.

You know, most of the people...
Sorry.

You know, I mean, the adrenaline, I was
shaking for about

15 minutes after, you know,
that happened,

but it makes me
realize I haven't got a clue, really.

You have to know by heart a
telephone number

of the back office of you, that you are
going to call them and

tell them the secret word that
you decided before.

You said the secret word.

That means he knows that
you are under danger.

There's no secret word.

There should be.

I haven't got one, honestly.
I'm not messing around.

No one has given me a word.

I don't know what number to call.

I would have to call Suzanne and
say I'm in a bit of a bother.

I wouldn't want to panic her straightaway,
so I'd say "how is everything?"

And then I'd say,
"all right, listen.

Bit of a problem."

Okay.

"I was taken away."

She'd probably start going,
"what do you mean?"

I'd go, "shh.
Quiet. I've got low battery."

"Where are you? Where are you?"
"Shh.

Don't shout, because
they can hear me."

Where? What country?
Where?

Well, you know where I am.
Where?

You never listen to me, you see.

You keep going on about
about your efforts.

"Where are you?"
"I'm in Israel."

"In Israel?
What?

Where are you?
Where are you, sir?"

"Yeah, you're right. You're right.
We haven't sorted anything out."

I mean, I'm clueless.

But I didn't know I
was coming to Israel.

The fact that they teach that stuff
here means that it does go on.

I mean, that wasn't all
set up for me, was it?

That's proper training.

That's what they do.

Why would they have me?
What can I offer?

They'd call the embassy up, say,
"we got Karl Pilkington here."

"Who?

Haven't got a record of him."

I don't think I'd
even make the news.

I'd probably get in the local paper in
Manchester if it was a light news day.

"Karl Pilkington, Manchester, is
stuck in a hut somewhere in Israel."

Go, go, go, go, go, go!

[ Gunshots ]

Check the other side!
Fine.

Go to the door!
Stay there!

Good!
Okay.

How you feel?

Knackered.

Huh?

Yeah.

Did that look good?

These guys wait for
you in the corner.

Yeah.

I don't know if I saw
the gun or not, though.

He looks like he's
from Liverpool.

I thought he was up to no good.

Yes.
He looks like a scouser.

What is this all about?

You know, I thought I was seeing
the wonders of the world.

I thought I was on me way
to see Petra in Jordan.

The plane lands.

I'm in Israel.

Not Jordan, you know,
where the wonder is.

Israel.

Yesterday, I spent a day getting
a bag put over me head.

And then you turn around and
say, "oh, you might need that,

with being in Israel."

Well, I don't want to
be in Israel, then.

Man, it can't be
that dodgy, can it?

'Cause look at all the tourists.

They sort of relax me a little
bit, I think, 'cause you don't

keel up to go into a danger zone.

But there is a lot of
people about with guns.

You know, is it all
part of it, though?

Do they do that for the tourists?

Does it make the tourists feel
like, "oh, it's a bit edgy," but

really it's not gonna kick off?

It can't work out.

At the end of the day, I'm
just not that into religion.

Do you know what I mean?

It doesn't excite me.

I don't need it in me life.

But because I'm here, you know,
Steve's sort of saying, "you

might as well see some of it."

I said, "well, like what?"

He said, "well, the
wailing wall."

I said, "what?"

He said, "the wailing wall.

It's really popular over there."

So I'm gonna go look at a wall.

[ Speaking in Hebrew ]

This is all new to me.

It's not like I've come here with
any idea of what this is about.

I have no idea.

They're all doing different
things, you know.

Some are kissing the wall.

He's nodding at it.

People sticking bits of paper in.

And there's bits of
rubbish in there.

It's some sort of one of those insurance...
Oh, sorry.

Like a form about insurance or
something stuck in that one.

So, they even get junk mail.

There's junk mail in the wall.

It's a weird one, the wall.

It reminded me of, like, people who write to...
You're not gonna get an answer,

or not everyone, anyway.

It's a waste of time.

I always think about an alien...
If an alien landed and for some

reason had picked me, and they go, "Karl,
you're our leader whilst we're here.

Why do people do
this in Israel?"

I don't know.

Hard to explain that.

It's not what I thought
it would be, Jerusalem.

I had this vision in me head of
a place where, you know, Jesus

was knocking about on a donkey.

That's been shattered now.

And everywhere you go, there
seems to be some other religious

people coming out of
the woods somewhere.

It is like pac-man, isn't it?

You go down a little alley
thinking, "this will be quiet

down there," and a load
of stuff comes at you.

[ Dance music plays ]

Nothing's ever easy, is it?

You know, Steve said he sorted me out
with a lift to get back to the hotel.

Well, that's nice of him.

And then this lot turned up.

[ Music continues ]

My whole life, this
is all I want to do.

I want to go around in this car or another
car every day and make people happy.

Why not?

Here's what we do
in traffic jams.

They were nice enough lads and
that, but doing that is dangerous.

And there's enough danger here,
you know, with, you know, bombs

going off or blokes
walking out with guns.

I don't need to add more danger
to me little trip by dancing

about on a busy road.

Do you know how many smiles
we're gaining right now?

We could be saving
lives right now.

Somebody, you know, who's maybe
depressed who wanted to commit

suicide, now he's smiling.

Now he doesn't want to.

She's not smiling.

Pass me a sticker.

See that sticker?

Yeah.

Put it on the bus.

She's terrified.
She's terrified.

She's going, "for God's sake."

She went like that
and locked the door.

All right.

The lights are changing.

Lights, lights, lights, lights!

We're not getting out again.

Where are you going?

Oh, for [bleep]

[ Horn honks ]

And it's okay.

I mean, I might as well
have got on a bus.

At least the bus has
less stops than they do.

I mean, every hundred yards, they
were getting out, having a dance.

Please.

Good stuff, huh?
Yeah, it's good.

Come out with us.

Come out with us, just for a bit.

Come on.

Two minutes.

On a corner.

Couldn't pick a dangerous spot.

This is the most dangerous place.

[ Music continues ]

Yeah, I felt a bid bad jumping
out and legging it, but I don't

like dancing, do I?

You know, I don't dance at
weddings,

so I'm not gonna start doing it on a dual
carraigeway, am I?

I mean, there's really a lot of misery
in the world, but that doesn't help me.

That's making me worse.

They're causing all that beeping.

Do you know what I mean?

Someone's trying to
get to hospital.

Their gram's dying.

They're in the road.

[ Imitates dance music ]

Get off the [bleep] road.

Spoke to Steve this morning, and he said,
"oh, get yourself over to Bethlehem.

See where baby Jesus was born."

Bit of a problem, though.

I found out it's in Palestine,
which, you know, that's another

place I've heard nothing
but bad news about.

Plus, I've got to get over the
massive wall to get to it.

It's just ugly, and
it goes on for miles.

I mean, they're not
messing about, are they?

I kind of thought, "I bet
there's some way you can sneak

under it or over it,
but there's no way.

Well, you've got to call London
before we go over, mate.

The person you're calling...
That's good.

The man in charge of
making sure I'm safe.

To record your message,
key hash at any time.

[ Beep ]

All right, Richard.

It's Karl.

About to go over the border.

If you don't hear from us in four
hours, it's all gone [bleep] up.

I mean, that's Richard.

That sums him up.

He's always on the phone.

So, of all the people to have
as our emergency number, you

know, calling 999, it's engaged.

Sums him up.

That checkpoint was a bit weird.

I mean, I sort of felt guilty, even
though I hadn't done anything.

I've got a Palestinian fellow
meeting me called "case."

Yeah, but I think I'm
meeting someone.

Are you Karl?

Yeah.

Hi. I'm case.

How are you?

How was it?

Depressing.

[ Laughs ]

Honestly, I didn't think it
would have that effect on me.

I'm not that sort of
person, though, really.

You know, if you're passing here
every day, it's not depressing.

If you're waking up every
morning and seeing this ugly

concrete stuff in front of your
eyes, then it's depressing.

Be my guest.

This is my car.
Safe?

Huh?
Safe?

Yeah, of course it's safe.

I have insurance.

Are these for us?

Yeah.

It's a gift from the holy land.

It makes holy music.

[ Laughs ]

You won't think that
when I'm playing it.

See, there's nothing
like that at home.

There's nothing like
that anywhere on earth.

No.

We have a congestion charge that
caused a little bit of fuss.

If you drive into London,
you have to pay £8.

Everybody was like,
"this is an outrage."

But it's nothing
compared to this.

Honestly.

This is costing the
people more than £8, man.

This is costing
them their future.

Is it gonna be busy in there?

Well, check it out.

Did you close your door well?

Yeah.

Is anyone gonna Nick it?

I mean, some religious holy people...
lots of cops, so don't worry.

People who are into religion
shouldn't be nicking cars.

So, why are these a big deal?

Why are we bringing these, eh?

'Cause the Shepherds.

"And the Shepherds came to the
site of birth carrying flutes."

Watch your head, man.

Anything you need, you
can ask us, okay?

The flute says... No, you can't.

The flute says that the Shepherds came
to the site of birth carrying flutes.

Whatever.

You cannot use it in inside.

Okay.

You just carry it.

This is where Jesus was born.

Right there.

Right there.

On this rock.

You're allowed to touch it?

You can touch it.

You can kiss it.

I think that's all
you can do with it.

How do they know that?

It's an oral tradition saying
that this is the place.

But does Jesus want us to come
here and see where was he born

and touch the stones and go
crying and blah, blah, blah?

I don't think so.

I think I'm with you on that.

♪ Little donkey ♪

[ Poor flute music plays ]

I'd say the only time I had
religion in me life was playing

"little donkey" at school, and
me mate Wayne, he was catholic,

and he said, "oh, do you
want to go and do this?"

And I was like, "piss off."

And he said, "right.

You just swore.

If you don't come with me to
church, I'm gonna tell your mum

that you told me to piss off."

So I had to go with him.

And in the end, I got chucked
out for bouncing a tennis ball

sort of in the church.

That's about it, but I think I
got more of a feeling from that

wall than I did from
where Jesus was born.

Yet people are going in there,
sort of like, "oh. Oh."

I want to go over there.

That's where you can have a tear.

It's depressing.

[ Flute music plays ]

I've been here four days now, and
we're only just going to the wonder.

But looking in the guide book, and
we passed the dead sea this way.

It would just be nice for me to
have a bit of a restful day.

Ricky doesn't even need to know.

Looks quite good.

I'm not a great swimmer.

The good thing with the dead sea
is you just float about in it.

There's, like, loads
of salt in it.

It's another
experience, isn't it?

It's another one of life's
little wonders, a proper wonder,

a natural wonder, which is
the sort I like, really.

It's not too busy either.

I thought it would be
a right tourist trap.

This is all right, this.

Something that I read in a book, this
is the lowest place on the world.

I know we don't normally have
sort of information on this

program... not proper stuff, anyway.

But that's a little bit.

It's the lowest pl...
You can't get lower than this.

I don't know why.

I don't even know if it's true,
but that's what I've read.

So, I might as well give it a go.

Everybody else seems
to be doing it.

Whatever I'm doing, I've got to do
it quick, because that is so hot.

It's really uneven.

[Bleep] you really do, you know?

Come on.

I don't even have to,
like, do anything.

This is ace.

Karl, what's going on with
your belly button, mate?

What the [bleep] is that?

Is that a [bleep] end?

Or was that... was
that someone's gobs?

It looks like someone's...
[Bleep] it is, as well.

[ Cellphone rings ]

Phone.

Come here.

Hello?

I'm just in the dead sea.

Yeah, just floating around
with someone's gobs.

Oh.

There's old people in here just
clearing the throats and that.

I just had some in
me belly button.

That's what's floating above.

[Bleep] knows what's
floating under me.

Maybe that's why I'm
floating around.

90% [bleep]

[ Laughs ]

90%.

It is nice, though.

It's good, this.

I've been doing
work for four days.

This is an experience, still.

It's good for the program.

I'm explaining to people how
it's loads of salt in it.

You float about.

It's good for your skin.

This is the truth.

[ Beep ]

He sounded a bit pissed off that
I was having a rest, didn't he?

Oh, yeah.

Passport.

Where am I going?

Petra.

Petra?

Yeah.

Go? I can go?

Yeah, it's good to be in Jordan,
but we could have been here days

ago, couldn't we?

Petra's only down the road.

We could drive there, but
Ricky's come up with this idea

that, you know, I meet a local bloke
called Mohammed who's got a camel.

You know, how long's
that gonna take?

My friend.

Hello.

We need to cross this road.

How many hours?

How many hours that way?

At least 48 hours, two days,
full days with the camels.

[ Camel grunts ]

Hold here.

[ Rolling tongue ]

Would you like some music?

What kind of music do you have?

It's just music.

No singing.

When I'm a little bit
stressed, it calms me.

[ Instrumental music plays ]

Does a lady sing?

There is no singing.

It's just a man on a clarinet.

Ah.

It is nice, isn't it?

Very nice.

Very nice.

You teach me English song,
I'll teach you Bedouin song.

[ Singing in Arabic ]

[ Imitates singing in Arabic ]

How is it, my friend?

Good, yeah.

How is your ass, now?

[Bleep] now.

Look, you can see up here.

It's going on for miles.

[ Sighs ]

It just doesn't make
sense, does it?

Why do people live in the middle
of nowhere when you've got to

travel that sort of distance
to get to somewhere?

'Cause he was saying some people
have to do that once a week, to

nip to the shops, and they get a big order
and then carry it all the way back.

Move then.

Move closer to the
shop or open a shop.

What's it like where
we're staying tonight?

Maybe we find Bedouin tents.

Maybe we alone in the
desert with the sand dunes.

Sometimes the
Bedouins, they move.

I don't know.

You must have a plan.

This is desert.

We don't know what the
desert keeps for us.

We'll see.

This camel's knackered.

Keeps stopping every 10 minutes.

[ Moaning ]

I could be a good camel.

It's just sort of
moaning, isn't it?

[ Moaning ]

[ Camel moaning ]

***

We're gonna carry
it now by the car.

By the van.

Yeah.

[ Camel grunts ]

That was a little weird, though.

It was like a breakdown, a
proper breakdown in the desert.

They turned up.

Stick it on the back.

You know, it's knackered.

It's gonna cost you.

But to be honest, it's
a bit of luck, that.

'Cause I've had enough.

I'm to here with this.

Camels have been around for
years, the ships of e desert.

That's what they're known as.

We've ended up with Titanic.

As long there's not a major gale,
I'm sure it will be all right.

He's got 14 kids.

So, you know, me staying's
hardly an issue, is it?

Do you see how the
camels stand up?

Jump.

You just strap the
bag to its head.

Get in there.

Let's get this done, get
the day done, get to bed.

[ Groans ]

These are all his sons.

Yeah.

All his sons.

But I'm not allowed
to see the mother?

No.

At all?

Not even to say "hello.

Thanks for having us"?

No. Forbidden.

No way.

That's why the...
What if by accident?

That's why the house,
it's covered.

Say if I go to the
toilet and knock.

[ Imitates knocking ]

"I'm in here."

She comes out, I see her.

That's not her fault.

That's my fault.

So what happens then?

This is bad mistake.

That's fine. Okay.

Mr. Mohammed said they don't get
many guests here, so they're

polite.

There's a big pot or
something in there.

That looked like
some sort of milk.

I'm not seeing any cows, so I
don't know where it's come from.

I'm not fond of milk anyway.

It's not being rude.

It's just I don't want to eat it.

I don't want to get ill.

I'm surprised they don't want me
to get ill, 'cause we're all

sharing that little toilet.

[ Cellphone rings ]

I'm in the middle of
nowhere, honest to God.

It's moon-like.

Eight hours on the camel.

Well, I tell you, it's not funny.

I mean, I reckon I've
done some damage.

It was long, and it was hot.

Yeah.

Well, it's just...
That's what I'm saying, though.

There's nothing to look at.

It's not like it's worth
doing so many hours.

After half an hour,
you've seen it.

Hang on a minute.

Something has just
[bleep] run up me leg.

Can I call you tomorrow?

See you later.

What the [bleep] was that?

See you.

[ Beep ]

Can we just eat and go to bed?

I didn't look for this.

Don't put too much
of that on my bit.

I can't... I can't have
too much of that.

That's the tongue.

The what?

The tongue... tongue
of the goat.

You have it.
No.

Why?
Come on.

Oh, thank you.

Eat more.

It's meat from the goat.

What is it, though?

That's not meat.

This is the eye.

I can't eat eye.

I'll tell you now.

I got a very bad gag reflex.

Now, if I eat that and I start
gagging, that doesn't look good either.

They'll think I'm rude.

This is a weird night
out, isn't it?

What time do we
normally go to sleep?

Tonight we have a guest.

So what does that mean?

He couldn't go to sleep early.

He can, honestly.

I'm so tired.

[ Middle eastern music plays ]

I'm shattered.

I just want me bed.
But you know,

What can you do?

I'm with a family who
doesn't understand me.

I don't understand them.

They're cooking
food I don't like.

It's been hard work
today, hasn't it?

Are we actually gonna get
to Petra tomorrow or what?

I just want to see the
wonder today, Petra.

That's what I'm here for.

I'm not in any mood
for messing about.

I didn't sleep that
well last night.

I had a rough day yesterday, 10
hours on the back of a camel in

roasting heat.

I've just spoke to Mohammed.

He said we're not a quarter
of the way there yet.

I mean, does he think I'm gonna
be getting on a camel again?

How are we gonna get there?

We could have drove on this
brilliantly yesterday, but we

were on a camel instead.

We can now drive.

We didn't have a car, my friend.

We have camels.

Yeah, but they broke
down yesterday.

Why can't we just
get in that one?

No, we have to ride a camel.

We don't have to.

I don't need to get
on a camel again.

But we aren't half the way down.

The program's an hour long.

We've done eight hours
of filming on a camel.

You do the math.

I'm not going on a
[bleep] camel again.

I swear to God.

We've talked about this.

I'm bored of arguing with you.

If you're not listening,
I'm not listening.

I'm not going on a camel again.

Come on.

I'm not going on a camel again.

Why?

I'm not going on a camel again.

Why?

I'm not going on a camel again.

I'm not going on a camel.

I'm not going on a camel again.

Okay.

We could go with this car.

So, how long will it be by car?

A couple of hours.

I'm just sick of camels.

I mean, you've got to
prefer this, haven't you?

So much nicer.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'll be in a good mood, then,
when we see Petra, and I'll go,

"oh, wow. Amazing."

So, we're in now.

This is the start of it, is it?

We are now in the beginning
of the city of Petra.

Okay, my friend.

I have to leave you now.

Nice to meet you, Karl.

I'll see you again, yeah?

See you again, again.

Please key in the
commentary number.

One.

Welcome to Petra, a city
half as old as time.

The word "Petra" is
Latin for "rock."

The city dates back to 300 b.
C., when it was known as...

He just said, "welcome to Petra.
"

He said, "'Petra' is Latin for... "

I've forgot now.

This is the problem with this.

It is too much to take in.

I mean, I didn't come
here for a Latin lesson.

I just want to know where the
wonder is, and let's have a look

at it.

10.

You are now face to face with one
of the ancient world wonders

and the most famous
monument in Petra.

The word in Arabic
means "treasury."

You may recognize the facade.

It is the site where the movie
"Indiana Jones and the last

crusade," among
others, was filmed.

[ Cellphone beeps ]

Hang on a sec.

Hang on.

Hello?

I'm just standing in
front of the wonder.

That was a waste of time last night,
staying with the Bedouins.

He gave me lamb's eyes to eat.

I slept on a floor all night,
so I feel like [bleep]

That's how I'm feeling.

I mean, it looks all right.

I'm sure if I was in a
better mood, I'm big it up.

I'm basically in the middle of
a load of rock, and someone's

carved it out, and it is amazing.

But I don't know what more
there is to say than that.

What for?

What?

[ Beep ]

Steve?

It's Karl.

I've just spoke to Ricky.

He said, "oh, you're staying
in a cave tonight."

Well, what is that about?

'Cause I don't think he's
taking this serious.

Yeah, but I didn't...

No, but I didn't literally mean

that's what I'd like.

[ Beep ]

I mean, this is an all-time
low, I reckon, of me life.

You've barely mentioned
the wonder, Karl.

Well, I'm not thinking
about it, am I?

How can I stand there and go,
"oh, what a beautiful bit of

work," when in the back of me
head, you're going, "Karl,

you're living in a cave tonight"?

I can't focus on that.

Oh, God.

Steve said I got to find a
fellow called Abraham.

He's gonna let me
stay in his cave.

It's been a long day.

How are you?

How are you doing?

So, what do you put down...
What do you put down as an address?

Jordan, Petra.

That's all.

That's never gonna get to you.

And the postman would know?

Yeah, yeah.

He knows it.

And everything you order
always gets to your house?

Yeah.

Yeah.

The cave.

I can't believe that.

'Cause I order stuff
and get it delivered.

Sometimes it doesn't turn up,
and I've got a post code.

That's amazed me more
than the wonder.

That.

That you can get post delivered.

I can't believe that.

What facilities are in the cave?

We've got the mattress.

We make the fire and sleep
wherever, between the sky and

the land.

Not like the city.

Ricky calls and says, "you're
staying in a cave," starts

laughing.

And I pictured the sort of caves
you get in wales, where it's all

sharp, sharp edges, really damp,
and the sea comes in at some

point in the night.

I get here, decent size.

They're warm, they're cozy.

Nice touch with the candles.

I tell you, I've seen houses
that are worse than this.

I think I can sort of fit
into this way of life.

It is like a holiday every day.

Nice little holiday home.

Eating like this.

I'm gonna drink.

Soothes me down to
the ground, this.

Ricky always says I'm a bit,
like, you know, a caveman, and

I haven't really evolved.

He says the shape of me head and
the way me eyebrows come out a

bit.

Maybe that's it.

Maybe I was born a bit late.

That's nice.

See, we haven't all
evolved, have we?

It's just a few of us.

I haven't got a clue
half the time.

I turn the tap on still, and I
go, "how is water coming out of

that?"

I'm lucky 'cause I'm around
'cause someone else has come up

with that.

But at the end of the day, if
stuff was left down to me, I'd

still be living in here.

If I was lucky, you know, I
don't know if I could come up with this.

He just was saying how
they used to do it.

He said they put a hole in the
rock, stick, like, a tree trunk

in it, put water in,
and the wood expands.

Is that what you were saying?

Makes the hole bigger.

There's no way I'd
come up with that.

I wouldn't come up with that now.

And yet they did that
3,500 years ago.

Slept all right once
I got off, really.

There's a cat mooching about
now and again, wandering.

That's the problem when you haven't
got a front door, isn't it?

That was a good night.

Best night since I've been here.

Yeah.

I'd do it again, you know.

Being in this part of the world,
there's not many things that

have happened that I'd say, "I'd
do that again," but that, I would.

So, yeah, I loved it.

Really, really smart.

I can imagine living
at this time.

I can picture meself just coming
out of a little hole just with

a club and thinking, "what
am I gonna do today?"

And it's easy to invent stuff back then,
'cause there was nothing else about.

So, anything you needed,
you'd come up with it.

I want to dry me hands.

I've just washed me
hands through a towel.

Everything.

Anything you think of.

This soup's hard to eat.

I want a spoon.

Do you know what I mean?

You think of something now.

You try and come up with
something now that you need now.

Came up with a
see-through toaster.

You know, 'cause you always do
that, thinking, "is it done yet?"

And you have to keep pressing
the spring, and you end up

breaking it 'cause you
force the spring open.

See-through toaster.

Went online, typed it in.

It's already been invented.

Dragon's den back then would
have been a piece of piss.

Everybody who came in,
that's a bloody good idea.

Get it made.

30, Ad Deir, the monastery.

Sitting at the summit of Jabal Ad Deir
is Petra's grandest monument of all, Ad Deir.

The name is the Arabic
word for "monastery."

Do take advantage of this
moment, and immerse yourself in

the magnificence and mysticism
of this historic place.

Yeah.

[ Panting ]

I can't even go in it.

That's ridiculous.

I mean, that's useless.

Who's put them there?

I mean, look.

The point is, you sat in there,
and that's your view over there.

If you look here, point proven.

You're better off living in the
hole, looking at the palace than

living in the palace looking
at the hole, aren't you?

So Ricky and Steve
can say I'm a nob.

I think that's my point
proven, isn't it?

But I wasn't just talking
about buildings.

I mean, in life, even being a
good-looking person or an ugly one,

in a way, you're better off
being the ugly one, and you get

to look at nice things.

You're looking at the
nicer-looking people.

Doesn't matter about being ugly.

How often do you look
at yourself anyway?

Same thing.

Be the ugly one.

Look at the nice one.

[ Dog barking ]

What's that?

Who owns that?

Why is a dog so high up?

It's not gonna show up that dog, is it?

Oh, fuck me. Jesus.

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