All language subtitles for A.Kid.in.King.Arthurs.Court.1995

I am Merlin,
and I am back,

awakened from
my eternal slumber
to reach out across time

for a brave warrior who can
take up the sword Excalibur

and save Camelot.

Oh, great spirit of light,

bring me that knight.

-[THUNDERCLAP]
-UMPIRE: Strike.

-Out.
-[GRUNTS] You're up, Fuller.

Ventilate him, Calvin.

Try swinging
this time, Fuller.

[CROWD CHEERING
ENCOURAGINGLY]

-Come on!
-Come on, Cal!

It's only a game, son.
Just give it your best shot.

Good luck, honey.
We're all rootin' for you.

I get your room
if you get killed.

-Well, if I die,
you can take out the trash.
-[GRUNTS MOCKINGLY]

Fuller. Now look,

just remember what
I told you. Three things...

You lean in,
you cover the plate,

you pick a point
in the outfield,

then you let her rip.

Actually, that's
four things.

Just try and hit the ball,
will you, Fuller?

-MAN: Come on.
-WOMAN 1: Play ball.

-WOMAN 2: Come on, Cal.
-[ALL CHEER INDISTINCTLY]

DAD: Come on, Cal.

CALVIN: Three things...

Lean in. Cover the plate.

Pick a point in the outfield.
Let her rip.

You're dead meat, Fuller.

CALVIN: Oh, God.
Oh, God. Oh, God.

UMPIRE: Strike one.

[GRUNTS]

[SCOFFS]

Strike two.

Keep your eye
on the ball, Cal.

Hasta la vista, Fuller.

Now swing!

-[CROWD EXCLAIMS]
-Strike three.
You're out.

-[MAN GROANS]
-[GROANS]

-It's all right, son.
-[CROWD APPLAUDING]

WOMAN: You gotta be good
at something.

Mom, he didn't even try!

Fuller. Get me my bat.

As you wish,
Your Highness.

[LOW RUMBLING]

-[WOMAN SCREAMS]
-Earthquake!

Everybody, out of the dugout.
Come on! Come on! Come on.

[RUMBLING INTENSIFIES]

Whoa! Whoa!

[EXCLAIMS]

ARTHUR: The Black Knight has
stolen the royal money box.
Stop him.

Hurry!

[HORSE WHINNYING]

[SCREAMING]

[YELPS]

[SCREAMS]

GUARD 1: Over here.

[GUARD 2 SHOUTING]

-GUARD 2: Come on.
-[CALVIN GASPS]

-GUARD: Forward! Together!
-CALVIN: Here!

-GUARD 1: Whoa!
-GUARD 2: Hold, boy!

DRIVER: Whoa up.
Whoa up.

-Ah.
-GUARD: Sire.

Find the brave man who
foiled the Black Knight.

I want to thank him
personally.

Please. [CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES] Thank thee,
Lord Belasco.

My pleasure,
Your Highness.

Spread out.
Find the boy.

[PANTING]

CALVIN: Where am I?

GUARD: Ride on!

CALVIN: Excuse me.

-[METAL CLANKING]
-MAN: Goat.

-[MAN GASPS]
-CALVIN: Sorry.

Clumsy mutton.

MAN: Come on.

-GUARD: Thataway!
-[GUARDS SHOUTING]

-GUARD 1: Thataway!
-[HORSE NEIGHS]

GUARD 2: Where did he go?

-MAN 1: That way, sire.
-MAN 2: He went that way.

GUARD: This way! [GRUNTS]

[GASPS]

-[SOLDIER MOANS]
-CALVIN: Whoa.

[WOMAN GIGGLES]

-[CALVIN GRUNTING]
-[CHICKEN CLUCKING]

[DOG BARKING]

There's nothing left
to steal in all of Camelot.

The king does not steal.

He merely takes
his fair share.

In other words,
everything.

[MAN GROANING]

-I have no time for this!
-[GRUNTS]

I am looking for a boy.

WOMAN: Do not fight him.

The king is no longer
a man of the people.

You speak treason? [GRUNTS]

-[GASPS]
-Ah!

The little mouse.

[BOTH YELLING]

-GUARD: Get Him!
-Oh, boy.

[GASPS] Don't kill me.
I didn't mean to do it.

I don't even know
what I'm doing here.

-Take him to Camelot.
-Let me go.

The king
awaits his presence.

CALVIN: King?

[TOWNSPEOPLE CHATTERING
INDISTINCTLY]

CALVIN: Hey, guys,
where's the boys' room?

I've been holding it
since the third inning.

[GRUNTS] Where are we going?

Hey, don't I get
a phone call or something?

[CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

[MAN YELLING]

MAN 1: Really great
MAN 2: What?

GUARD: Watch the flames.
Watch the flames.

MAN: Look here.

[GUARD GRUNTS]

Ah! 'Tis the brave man
who frightened off
the Black Knight. [LAUGHS]

Bring him closer.

Not a man, Father.

-Just a boy.
-Ah.

He has a very pleasant face.

Don't be ridiculous, Sister.

He dresses like a fool.

[ALL LAUGHING]

-Did you find the boy?
-Of course.

Then bring him to me.

MAN: Ah, he was taken
to the Great Hall, Milord.

The King...

You take your orders from me.
Not that stupid old fool.

Look, I have Arthur
exactly where I want him.

The Black Knight's working
his magic wonderfully.

We do not need interlopers
like this little boy
spoiling it.

Now, you are
my high chamberlain.

-[EXHALES]
-Deal with it!

Dost thou know
who I am, lad?

Um, the King?

That's right, lad.

I am King Arthur.

Cool.

"Cool"? Ah.

-[CALVIN GROANS]
-[ALL LAUGHING]

Your Highness.

-[THUDS]
-[CALVIN GROANS]

It's obvious this boy
is in league with
the Black Knight.

CALVIN: Who, me?
No. No, I'm not!

He's nothing but
a common spy
and a little thief!

I don't know how
I got here,
Your Honor, but...

But I'm not a spy,
or a thief.

Oh, thou has been
challenged, lad.

Step up and prove
thyself worthy.

Of... Of course, the boy
may be allowed to choose
the mode of combat, hmm?

Combat?
Can't we talk about
this for a minute?

Oh, wake up.

-This isn't a dream.
-Quite right.

It's your worst nightmare
come true.

Choose.

Mode of combat.

I gotta choose a weapon.

Oh, my God.
I gotta choose.
I gotta choose.

Oh, my...

I choose...
combat rock.

Huh?

[GUESTS MURMURING]

CALVIN: Here goes.

[HARDROCK MUSIC BLARING]

[MAN EXCLAIMS]

[ALL EXCLAIMING]

MAN 1: What sort of magic?

MAN 2: Oh, sire...

'Tis a miracle.

CALVIN: In full-blown
digital stereo.

I've never heard
such a clamor
in all my days.

That was no clamor.
That was rock and roll.

Come. Sit here, lad.

Now tell me,

what do they call
thee, boy,

and from whence
doth thou hail?

Uh, Calvin Fuller, sir.
From Reseda.

Oh! [CHUCKLES]

Knights and ladies,
I give thee

Calvin Fuller
of Reseda.

ALL: Calvin Fuller
of Reseda!

ARTHUR: Well, now,
let us eat.

[GUESTS CHATTERING
INDISTINCTLY]

CALVIN: Oh. Looks real good.

What is it?

Braised boar's snout
with haggis.

Come on.
Eat up, boy. [LAUGHS]

I heard what transpired
between thee
and the Black Knight.

-Who is this
Black Knight guy anyway?
-A scoundrel!

His mission
is to bring down
my father's kingdom.

Eat. It loses its bouquet
when it is taken cold.

[DOG WHIMPERING, PANTING]

[GRUNTS]

ARTHUR: Hmm, he's got
a good cut.

Say, where's Merlin?
When does he show up?

Sadly, Merlin passed away
many years ago.

-CALVIN: Your Highness?
-[ARTHUR GRUNTS]

I don't mean
to butt in here,

but where's
the round table?

Round table?

You know, where you
and your knights
have your meetings.

It's round so you gotta
look everybody in the eye.

No favorites.
Everybody's equal.

Everybody's equal? [LAUGHS]

Fascinating idea.

Where did you say
you were from?

-Uh, Reseda.
-KATEY: Reseda.

What an odd name.

Hey, it's the bowling
capital of the world.

May I suggest for our honored
visitor from Reseda

a fortnight of training
with Master Kane?

ARTHUR: Oh, a splendid idea,
Daughter. [LAUGHS]

Tomorrow, my master-at-arms
shall instruct thee

in the ways of
the knights of Camelot.

Now prepare his quarters.

Come on.

[BURPS AND SLURPS]

Welcome to Camelot, sir.

CALVIN: Thanks... I think.

Okay, where's the bathroom?

[CALVIN GASPS]

Lord Elastic.

Belasco.

-Right.
-Shh.

Listen.

[WHISPERS] What?

I don't hear anything.

Exactly.

I could choke the life
right out of you right now.

No one would
hear you scream.

Hold that thought.

[DOOR CREAKING]

[GRUNTING]

Oh! Excuse me, good sir.
Pardon my intrusion.

My father asked
that I make sure

thou art comfortable
in thy new quarters.

You want me comfortable,

how about getting
me a road map

out of the Middle Ages?

If I don't get home,
I'm grounded.

[LAUGHS] You Resedians wear
very strange garments.

Oh! Excuse me.

Okay.

Wait. Your father
sent you here?

I... I cannot lie
to thee, sir.

My father knows nothing of
my nocturnal transgressions.

Do me a favor.
Call me Calvin.

Calvin.

That dance...

What was it?

-Dance?
-You know...

-[GRUNTS SOFTLY]
-Oh.

That's not a dance.
That's karate.

You see, there was
this big kid

who was beating me up
every day

and stealing my lunch money,
so, my dad signed me up
for karate school.

I really miss them.

My sister, too.

You have no idea
what I'm talking about,
do you?

I fear I know nothing
of karate,
or lunch money.

But I do know what it is like
to miss one's parents.

See, my father has
never been the same

since mother died.

I miss my mother deeply.

I miss my father even more.

I really need
to get home, Katey.

Can you help me?

I truly cannot.

But perhaps
there is somebody who can.

Who?

Merlin!

But you said he was dead.

Not quite.

[FLIPS SWITCH]

-CALVIN: Cool,
a secret door.
-Come!

[DOOR SLIDES OPEN]

This way.

[WIND BLOWING]

KATEY: We've lost the light.

CALVIN: No problem.

KATEY: It's incredible!

CALVIN: Just like
the Temple of Doom.

[GASPS] This is it.

[RUMBLING]

These were once
Merlin's quarters.

It is now my father's
private sanctuary.

CALVIN: Is that...
Aw, it can't be.

That?

That's just father's old sword.

Old sword?

That's Excalibur.

My! Thou dost know a lot.

I watch a lot of CNN.

No one's
touched it in years.

'Tis true.

Wow, you even have a hot tub.

'Tis the Well of Destiny.

Oh.

That is all
that remains of Merlin.

If there is a way home,
it will be in there.

Sweet.

[WATER SPLASHING]

[DOOR CREAKS OPEN]

Quick, someone comes.

Hurry.

Here is where we must part.

There's something
very special about you,
Calvin of Reseda.

Perhaps your arrival here
is no accident.

Hey, how do I get back?

Follow the wall.
It stops at your quarters.

Good night, sir.

[DOOR CLOSES]

MERLIN:
Ah, the Knight I sent for.

Come to the well
so that it may gaze upon
the face of greatness.

-Who said that?
-Come.

Come, we haven't much time.

Is someone down there?

What are you
doing here, boy?

Stand aside so I may
see my great warrior.

Where is he?

Come, come, step forward.

Um, I hate to tell you this,

but I'm the only one here.

You must be joking.

No.

You're Merlin, right?

Something
has gone horribly wrong.

What was
that wretched spell I cast?

Half a quart of pig vomit

and two monkey bladders?

Pig vomit?

Or was it
the other way around?

Good Lord!

CALVIN: Oh, I get it.

This is all a big mistake.

That's okay.
Everybody picks me last.

No, I couldn't have
got it wrong.

But look at you.

What manner of armor is that?

And that animal
sleeping on your head.

Animal? It's my hair.

Look, Your Wetness,
I don't understand any of this.

And what am I doing here?

I brought you here.

To save Camelot.

-Me?
-Arthur is in trouble.

His kingdom has been shattered

by the Iron Fist
of Lord Belasco.

Oh, the dork
in the purple dress.
We've met.

And you haven't seen
the last of him.

He is a dangerous man.

He means to steal Camelot
from Arthur.

And you...

are going to stop him.

Look, you definitely
have the wrong guy.

Why don't you
just send me home?

I mean,
my family really needs me.

Camelot needs you.

[GROANS]

Help Arthur find his way back,

and I will help you
find yours.

[BUBBLING]

[SIGHS]

[CLANGING]

[MEN GRUNTING]

[MEN LAUGHING]

-Nicely done.
-Thank you.

Now, would you care to show us
how it is done in Reseda?

Uh, actually I was
hoping for a desk job.

As from today,
you're a knight in training.

Thanks but,
I won't be here that long.

Don't tell me
a brave lad like you

who's faced the full fury
of the Black Knight

is afraid of a dummy?

No way, I was just testing you.

-[CLANGS]
-[GROANS]

God, these things are a lot
heavier than they look on TV.

TV?

One of your Knights of Reseda,
no doubt?

Uh, something like that.

Good fit.

-Can you see?
-CALVIN: Perfectly.

Ugh! It smells like
something died in here.

[GRUNTS] Excuse me.

KANE: This way.
CALVIN: Yeah, I knew that.

There.

Whoa!

-Calvin?
-Yeah?

[LAUGHING]

Remember three things.

Lean in, protect your steed,

fix a point
on your opponent's person,

and have at him.

That's four things.

-What?
-Never mind.

Hit it.

[GRUNTS] Whoa!

[WATER SPLASHES]

[BOTH LAUGH]

Well, I'd like to
see you try that.

I thought Knights spent
all their time rescuing damsels
and fighting dragons.

What are they all doing here?

They are all training hard
for the big tournament.

You see,
the prize is quite appealing
to all men of royal blood.

Really? What's the prize?

My sister and Camelot.

What about her?
Doesn't she have a choice?

She has refused all suitors.

Therefore,
on her 21st birthday,

the tournament
must decide for her.

Bummer.

I think I agree.

Come, you try.

[OBJECTS CLANG]

[CAT SCREECHES]

You are the most
exquisite flower
in this garden, Princess.

There's is one major difference
between the garden flowers
and myself, Lord Belasco.

Mmm.

A rose will prick you,

but I will do far worse.

You cut me to the quick.

All I want is
what is best for my King

and his Kingdom.

Camelot could be great.

We could make it great again.

"We"?

Yes, of course.

The two of us together

in wedded bliss.

I will marry the man
who wins the tournament.

[CHUCKLES]

Enter it...

If you have the nerve.

Good day, sir.

CALVIN: So, Master Kane,
where's your castle?

KANE: Oh,
I have no land of my own.

Does that mean
you can't enter the tournament?

Alas, the tournament is reserved
for far better men than I.

No way, you're the best.

If thou art trying to
get on my good side,

thou hast succeeded with
royal colors.

Ah, here is thy opponent.

Wait, I can't fight
the Princess.

You are right about that, sir.

Come.

I wonder...

do the Knights of Reseda swim?

[GRUNTING]

Thou hast much to learn
before supper.

I hear the kitchen is serving
a poached goat's tail
in a brown grub sauce.

Ugh!

Or perhaps
we can catch yon goose.

-[KATEY GRUNTS]
-Oh... Whoa!

-[KATEY LAUGHS]
-Oh, geez!

I cannot believe I fell for the
oldest trick in the book.

Then again, since I'm here,

maybe it's the newest trick
in the book.

[CLANGING]

Hey, how's it going?

Ah, good sir!

My shop is at your service.

Really? Well, thanks.

I hear you can make anything.

Indeed, I have
that reputation.

What about this?

By the Circle Builders
themselves.

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

Well, I need another pair.

Like, yesterday.

Uh... Hmm...

[COCK CROWING]

Who's there?

I trust you slept well?

Yeah, we all did.

Me and the forest
of crawling things

living in my bed.

All right.

Come, breakfast is served
in the Great Hall.

We must hurry or we'll be late.

Just a minute,
I have something to show you.

What is it for?

-[EXCLAIMS]
-[BOTH LAUGH]

Oh, Calvin.

Come on. This way.

KATEY: Oh! Careful!
CALVIN: Come on!

[LAUGHING]

So if it's "bad," it's good?

Right!
And if it's "cool," it's hot.

Oh, I fear I will never
understand your Valley speak.

KING: Well, Belasco.

What dost thou
wish to speak about?

Decisions, Your Highness.

It's time you made one.

What didst thou have in mind?

I have been loyal to you
for years, Your Highness.

And all I ask for in return
is Sarah's hand in marriage.

Thou knowest
the laws of Camelot.

The tournament
shall decide for her.

The fate of Camelot
cannot rest upon

the folly of a tournament.

Can it, Your Highness?

I...

I shall speak to my daughter
on thy behalf.

-I thank thee, Your Highness.
-CALVIN: Watch out!

[BELASCO GRUNTS]

Hey, the round table!

History books
are gonna love you.

Not staying for breakfast,
Lord Belasco?

I do not eat with children.

Well sit, sit,
before it gets cold.

So, what's for breakfast?

Leftovers.

Mmm!

Guard it with your life.

Go for it.

For what do we owe this
unexpected pleasure,
Lord Belasco?

Out of my way, teacher.

Well, if you've had enough
of fighting wooden men,

how do you fancy taking on
a real man for a change?

KANE: But, sir--

This has
nothing to do
with you, teacher.

Boy, you guys are
really hung up

on this dominant male
monkey thing, aren't you?

I take it
your answer is no.

Calvin.

[BELASCO GROANS]

I could be wrong,

but I think I just qualified
for a Black Belt.

[SOFTLY] You'd better use it
to hang yourself with,

because when I come for you,
it'll be worse.

Far, far worse.

[GROANS IN PAIN]

As a reward thou hast earned

a grand supper!

On one condition.

What is that?

I do the cooking.

Mm, smells divine.
What is it?

A surprise, Princess.

Oh no! Those are
poisonous love apples.

Trust me! And no peeking.

It smells so wonderful.
I can hardly wait.

Patience.

Okay. You can look now.

'Tis beautiful.
But what is it?

It's a meal
fit for the Round Table.

Double cheeseburger
with lettuce and tomato
on a whole wheat bun.

What?

Big Mac.

Mmm, it's good.

I mean, "bad."

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

Thou called for me, Father?

I did?

Oh yes, yes, yes, yes.
Of course, I did.

Oh, my dear daughter.

I believe I know
what is best for my Kingdom.

I mean, a game
to settle the fate of Camelot.

I fear the tournament
is an outdated notion.

Thou art dancing, Father.
Get to the point.

I have decided that thou
shalt marry Lord Belasco.

If I cannot marry for love,

then the law
of the land will prevail.

I shall
let the tournament decide.

Thou art as stubborn
as thy mother.

CALVIN: Riding isn't
as hard as I thought.

Avert thy eyes.

[HORSE WHINNIES]

[SARAH CLICKS TONGUE]

Thou was not to see that.

Swear your silence
to me now, sir,
or risk my wrath.

-Hey, it's none of
my business...
-Swear it!

Okay, okay! I swear it.

Can we put this off
'til next Tuesday?

It is time to put a real lance
in your hand.

CALVIN:
Look, this is too soon.

I still get carsick
on merry-go-rounds.

Lean into the charge
and the lance will
do the work for you.

Why don't you do
the work for me?

Hast thou no...
confidence in thyself?

-[HORSE WHINNIES]
-Look, there's
a two-headed dragon.

[HORSE WHINNIES]

-[HORSE NICKERING]
-I see only trees.

CALVIN: Yeah.

Maybe I need to
get my eyes checked.

Calvin, perhaps
you're not quite ready.

Of course I am.

Let her rip, Professor.

KANE: Hyah!
CALVIN: Whoa!

Whoa.

Huh!

No, no! Go left! Go left!

-Hold It! [YELPS]
-[HORSE WHINNIES]

Oh. [YELPS]

-KATEY: Calvin?
-[CALVIN GROANING]

Look what you've done.
How could you?

-Uh, but Princess,
it was you who asked...
-How dare you contradict me!

This is your fault!

Oh.

SARAH: I'm so sorry.

Please speak to me.

You deceived me!

-Thou art impertinent!
-[CALVIN LAUGHS] Ow!

-Your Highness...
-CALVIN: Princess... wait!

KANE: You are a clever lad.

I think she likes me.

BLACKSMITH: Did not expect
to see you again so soon, sir.

The blade rollers did not
meet with satisfaction?

CALVIN: No, no,
they were killer.

But this time,
I need somethin' bigger.

Bigger? Um...

CALVIN: It's gotta be
light as a feather,

but hard
as Belasco's head.

I know of no such metal.

You will.

Melt this and that together...

stir and then stand back.

How does a boy
know so much?

Metal shop, eighth grade.

See, you start
with the frame...

SARAH: What is it, sister?

Distress.

Burning of the heart.

SARAH: No, 'tis not heartburn.

'Tis heartache.

-You are in love, little one.
-Don't be silly!

[SARAH CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

Can't hide anything
from you, can I?

I know it
all too well myself.

Does it always
hurt this much?

Oh sometimes,
it hurts much worse.

Poor Father.

Every day, he drifts
further away from us.

What is to become
of our family, Sarah?

I know not...

But I will always
look after thee.

Farewell, my beauties.
[EXCLAIMS]

What are thou eating, lad?

Oh, Mad Dawg bubble gum.

What?

Here.

[ARTHUR GULPS]

No, you're not
supposed to swallow.

-You're not?
-[CALVIN SIGHS]

Here.

Just put it in your mouth
and chew.

Chew.

Never swallow.

Never swallow.

Then what is its purpose?

There is no purpose.

No purpose?

Strange.

[MUFFLED] Why do they call it
"Mad Dog Bubble Gum"?

I have... no idea,
Your Highness.

Hmm.

[MUFFLED] Mm. Lord Belasco.

Uh... Mm. Take a seat.

Get out.

Affairs of the court, lad.
You understand.

It's okay. I have a date.

Date?

I'll explain later.

Have you spoken
to your daughter?

Yes, of course, of course.
[CHUCKLES]

And?

Well, I cannot force her
to marry thee.

But if she means
that much to you, I mean...

there's always the tournament.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

She will be mine.

No one will have her.

Ah, so you are planning to
enter the tournament.

Are you a complete idiot?

Do you think I want to die?

There's another way.

[DOOR CLOSES]

I came only because my
music lessons were cancelled.

You are still impertinent.

CALVIN: I'll take that
as a compliment.

State your business
and I shall be on my way.

I have a surprise for you.

What is it?

It's a mountain bike.

What is it for?

CALVIN: In Reseda,
we have a custom.

It's called a picnic.

Hop on.

Watch your step.

Here we go.

Look at that.

KATEY: Oh!

CALVIN: It's not so bad, is it?

KATEY: 'Tis so fast.

CALVIN: You know the night
you took me to see
Merlin's book of spells?

KATEY: Hmm.

Well, I went back...

and I don't know if
I'm goin' crazy or what...

but I saw Merlin in the well.

He came to you?

Yeah, he said that he
brought me here
to save Camelot.

Well...

actually, he didn't
bring me here.

He... He meant to
bring someone else.

He chose well.

What are the girls like
in Reseda?

CALVIN: I don't know.

Course you do.

They're nothing like you.

[HORSE NICKERING]

[TOWNSPEOPLE CHATTERING]

MAN: Now what do you
make of that?

[PEOPLE CHATTERING]

MAN: Hurry, before
Belasco's men come.

CALVIN: Boy,
they sure are hungry.

WOMAN: Better save the rest.

'Tis Lord Belasco I fear.

-KATEY: Where did it all
come from?
-MAN: Our only friend...

[HORSE WHINNIES]

CHILD: God bless
the Black Knight!

The Black Knight is
one of the good guys?

It cannot be true.

CALVIN: Are you okay?

Confused.

About the Black Knight?

And other things.

I shall never
forget this moment.

Hey, where you going?

[SIGHS]

I'll walk you to your room.

Old Reseda custom.

The more I hear of Reseda,

the more I want to see it.

I wish I could take you there.

Good night.

Princess...

I haven't had this much fun
in my whole life.

I know you're worried
about your father.

Me, too.

I promise I'll do
everything I can

to keep Belasco from
screwing things up.

I guess that's all.

Oh, yeah.

You're a great kisser.

Wise girl.

-Come on!
-[KATEY YELPS]

One sound...

and it would've been your last.

[RUMBLING]

Get in there.

-Come with me!
-[KATEY YELPS]

[KATEY SCREAMS]

-[BELASCO GRUNTS]
-[KATEY PANTING]

KATEY: Help me!

MAN: Hah!

What sorcery is this, Merlin,

that I'm no longer able to
brandish the sword Excalibur?

I thought with thee,
I would reign forever.

I was wrong.

Camelot rots...

and I play at being King.

I want her great again.

But I fear I'm too weak
to bring her back.

Oh, Guinevere.

My Guinevere.

I'm too old.

I'm too tired.

MERLIN: Go ahead, take it.

I want you to have it.

We need to talk.

Oh, you're not trying to
dodge your way out of our deal,
are you?

Oh, no, no. Nothin' like that.

Hmm?

I'm just not so sure
I wanna go home yet.

Oh!

Of course.

The Princess Katherine.

Yeah, she's incredible.

True.

But you won't have
much of a honeymoon
in Belasco's dungeon.

Good point.

I suggest you take Excalibur.

What about Arthur?

You must lead the way.

Now.

Wait.

Was there something else?

Aren't you gonna wish me luck?

Very well.

Good luck.

Are you going to need it?

BELASCO: Ah! Princess.

So good of you to come
on such short notice.

Your servant said I would be
supremely interested in
what you have to say.

Well, he did not exaggerate.

Then say it,
and I shall be on my way.

How dare you!
When my father hears how
you're treating me... [YELPS]

Look, I didn't bring you here
to listen to your
incessant royal prattle!

Shut your mouth,

and your sister
will remain unharmed.

What have you done
with my sister?

She's safe...

for now.

But I'm getting tired of waiting
for you to accept my offer.

You are mad.

You cannot force me
to marry you.

If you do not consent,

then Princess Katherine
will die.

This pact is between you and me.

You utter one word of this
to anyone...

and you'll never
see your sister again.

I await your answer.

You have until the tournament.

Sweet dreams.

Night-night.

[BREATH TREMBLING]

[DOOR OPENS]

CALVIN: Huh?

What do you want?

You're under arrest...

for the murder of
Princess Katherine.

Seize him.

-[CALVIN YELLS]
-[GUARD GRUNTS]

Find him...

and then, kill him.

CALVIN: Mm...

SARAH: Calvin, I must
speak to you of Katey.

I didn't do it.
All we did was go on a picnic.

I swear. I didn't kill her.

She's been kidnapped
under Belasco's orders.

I need your help.

My help?

You must bring her back.

[MAN CLEARS THROAT]
All right, this way.

They're looking for me.
Belasco tried to arrest me.

[SIGHS] Then, you only have
one chance.

Just one, huh?

SARAH: My father...

Give him this.
He will know
you speak the truth.

Guards! He went this way.

GUARD: Come with me.

[WHISPERS]
Calvin. Calvin, Come.

[CALVIN EXHALES]

[SARAH PANTING]

[ARTHUR SNORING]

-[CRASHING]
-[ARTHUR GASPS]

ARTHUR: By Merlin's prophecies,

dost thou come at me
in my sleep?

[GRUNTS]

Thou shalt not
take me that easily.

Come into the light,
you cowards!

Calvin, which way
did they flee?

How many were there?
Five? Ten?

Oh, the royal blood
is pumping now.

Leave us ride
after the interlopers.

Sire, stop! There are no
interlopers or outer-lopers.

Don't be ridiculous, boy.

Get me my royal wardrobe.
The hunt is on.

Katey has been kidnapped.

Kidnapped? My baby is sleeping
with the goats?

She's been taken prisoner.

ARTHUR: That's impossible.

Belasco's orders.

But I would trust Belasco
with my life.

Bad Idea, Sire.

You've been faked out,
played for a sucker.

Your chain has been
royally pulled.

All right, boy,
I get the point.

Belasco plans on
stealing Camelot,
just like he stole Katey.

I cannot believe it.

So, it's all true.

[KNOCKING AT DOOR]

ARTHUR: Yes? Who is it?

BELASCO: Lord Belasco,
Your Highness.

ARTHUR: Oh, Lord Belasco.

Why art thou
disturbing my sleep?

I'm sorry, Your Highness.

I have some terrible news.

Princess Katherine is dead.

Dead?

Katey?

My poor, poor Katey dead!

[SOBBING]

Who has done this?

-Calvin of Reseda,
Your Highness.
-Calvin of Reseda.

ARTHUR: After I fed him
and clothed him,

this is the thanks I get.

You're wasting my time.
Find the boy. Bring me
his head on a pike.

Your wish is my command, sire.

BELASCO: He'll be dead
by daybreak, Your Highness.

Calvin? Calvin?

Ah!

My artifice was
well nigh rewarded, lad.

-He bought it?
-He bought it.

You know where they
might have taken her?

I do indeed, lad.

-[MAN YELLS IN PAIN]
-[WHIPPING]

-What are you going
to do with me?
-RATAN: Nothing.

If your sister gives herself
to Lord Belasco in betrothal.

-And if she doesn't?
-Hmm.

CALVIN: Anyway, we're gonna
have to go in disguise.

-Disguise?
-Yeah, I figure if we look
like miserable, starving,

-pathetic peasants,
no one will notice.
-Peasants? Hmm.

Don't be ridiculous, boy.

The Royal Pendragon strikes fear
into the hearts of my enemies.

Not anymore, it doesn't.

What do you know, boy?

They hate you.

Hate me?

Belasco's been stealing
from your people for years.

There's nothing but sickness
and starvation in Camelot.

They think you don't
care about them.

They hate me.

You do care, don't you?

Of course I do, lad.

Come. I know a way out.

[ARTHUR YELLING]

CALVIN: Whoa.

[PIGS GRUNTING]

[ARTHUR GASPS]

CALVIN: Yuck! More boar snouts?

CALVIN: Come on.
This is where we get off.
Jump.

Oh! [SIGHS AND TAKES
A DEEP BREATH]

I rather like this. [LAUGHS]
Out among my own people.

Watch whom you bathe,
oh, washer woman.

Washer woman, eh?
And who do you think you are?

The bloody King of England?

As a matter of fact,
I am your king.

And I'm Cleo-bleeding-patra.

If thou was a man,
I would call thee out.

If you were a man,
I'd throw more than
a bath over you.

-Let's go.
-Stop!

Look, Your Majesty, I don't want
to insult you or anything,
but are you nuts?

This isn't the castle where
everyone kisses your butt.

This is the real in-your-face,
car-jacking, drive-by shooting.

kill-you-for-your-Reeboks
street life.

What language
art thou speaking, boy?

[SIGHS] Let me give it
to you straight.

If they find out you're
the king, you're dead meat.

The murderer!

[GUARD] Go on, men!

[GRUNTS]

[GROANS IN PAIN]

[ARTHUR GRUNTS]

Merlin, where art thou now?

CALVIN: Sire!

Sire, run!

[WHISPERING] We are lost.

The royal stables
is under heavy guard.

We shall never reach
the princess in time.

Yeah, we will.

ARTHUR: This is sorcery!
We are going to die!

[BOTH YELPING]

-Oh.
-Your Highness.

-Are you okay?
-If okay means a sore bum,
then, yes. [GROANS]

Great.

The Black Knight. After him.

Chill out.
He's on our side.

ARTHUR: On our side?

I don't understand.

-Let's boogie.
-Boogie?

Boogie?

I'm so sorry about
the Princess Katey.

I missed you desperately.

-I came not for comfort.
I came to say goodbye.
-Goodbye?

Oh, dear sweet Kane.

I have lost everyone
I have ever loved.

-And now, I have lost you.
-No.

-You have not lost me.
-No matter what we think,

no matter how we feel,
our lives are not our own.

Well then, we'll make
them our own.

It is too late.
I must marry Lord Belasco.

[WHISPERS] Go on.

[CALVIN WHISPERING] Right.

[CLICKS TONGUE]

You know, when I was a boy,
much the same as you,

I could not face
the things I feared.

It was by sheer accident
I pulled the sword Excalibur
from the stone.

It's true, over the years
I grew into a strong king, but,

now, alas, I fear I've become
that cowering boy again.

I've lost all faith
in myself.

And if I cannot believe
in myself, who will?

You know, sire,
where I come from,

there are no swords
and stones

that turn dweebs
like me into heroes.

I used to think
I needed one.

But you know what?

I don't.

You're a good man,
Calvin Fuller.

[WOLF HOWLING IN DISTANCE]

[HORSE SNORTS]

CALVIN: This is impossible.
There's no way into this place.

ARTHUR:
How did you say it?
Chill out?

[HORSE WHINNIES]

-[ARTHUR GASPS]
-Cool.

-A secret passage.
-Ah.

Merlin showed it to me long ago,
when I played here as a boy.

[RAT SQUEAKING]

[GASPS IN FRIGHT]

[RAT SQUEAKING]

[SCREAMS]

[SHUSHES]

KATEY: Help!

He's got her
in the dungeon.

[KATEY SCREAMS]

Oi, you.
Oi, where do you
think you're going?

Bow to the king, you dork.

[CALVIN GRUNTS WITH EFFORT]

Father!

Katey!

Oh, I knew you'd come.

CALVIN: Hi.

You wouldn't happen
to have a key, would you?

I have something better, lad.

A father's love for a daughter,

and a king's shoulder.

[GROANS IN PAIN]

I'm sorry, lad. I'm no match
for Merlin's door.

Maybe not.

But this is.

What sorcery is this?

Swiss Army knife.

KATEY:
Swiss Army knife.

The very name
conjures up greatness.

Yeah, it's right up there
with Harley Davidson.

-[LOCK CLATTERS OPEN]
-Cool.

Come, daughter, come.
Quick, come.

Guards!

[GUARD GROANING]

CALVIN: Nice one.

[SHUSHES]

RATAN: Your Majesty.

Welcome.

We're in big trouble.

-What wouldn't I give
for Excalibur now.
-CALVIN: You got it.

[GUARDS YELLING]

[CALVIN YELLS]

[GUARD GRUNTS IN PAIN]

CALVIN: Behind you, Katey.

[GUARD YELLS IN PAIN]

Gee, this always works
in the movies.

[KATEY SCREAMS]

-[KATEY SCREAMING]
-ARTHUR: Katey!

KATEY: No!

ARTHUR: Katey!
After him, boy.

KATEY: Let me go!

Ratan, stay where you are.

-Let my daughter go.
-RATAN: Stop there,

or she flies like a bird.

No! Take me.

Stay put, or her blood
will be on your hands, boy.

-Come, we'll charge together.
-I have a better idea.

-Oh, I'm afraid rock n' roll
will not work this time.
-CALVIN: You're wrong.

It is the great equalizer.

[DEVICE WHIRRING]

[RATAN SCREAMS]

[WATER SPLASHING]

Oh, Calvin.

So, what about me?

-KATEY: Father.
-[LAUGHING]

CALVIN: Why are we
stopping here?

ARTHUR: Come.

This is as fine
a place as any.

For what, sire?

Kneel, lad.

Kneel?

Just do it.

Calvin Fuller of Reseda,

dost thou swear allegiance
to thy king and thy kingdom?

Dost thou swear to uphold
the laws of Camelot,

and to always follow
the paths of righteousness
and goodness?

I'll try, Your Highness.

I will.

Then let all who
witness this know,

it does not take a sword
in stone to make a hero.

By the sword, Excalibur,

I dub thee

Knight of the Round Table.

Arise,

Sir Calvin of Reseda.

We have some
unfinished business.

Thank you for coming.

Your wish is
my command, Princess.

You made your decision yet?
-Yes.

-And?
-I will consent to marry you.

I always knew you were
the smart one in the family.

[SARAH GASPS]

Oh, my God!

Oh, Father.

I see you have
your old friend with you.

You do indeed, dear daughter.

I, too, am delivered.

You're looking extremely
well, Your Highness.

If you'll just excuse me,
I'll go and get ready for
the tournament.

Welcome back, lad.

You're gonna let him walk
after all he's done?

-Well, I'm not.
-Wait, lad.

Remember, the people
believe me to be a coward.

And the guards
are still loyal to Belasco.

Bide thy time, young knight.

When the hour is nigh,
we'll nail him.

SARAH: Father.

[TRUMPETS PLAYING FANFARE]

My people...

My people.

You belong to the land,

and so do I.

I was but a stable boy
when I pulled Excalibur
from the stone,

and you made me your king.

For years, together,

we made Camelot great.

And then I turned
my back on you.

I betrayed your trust.

But, my people,

I shall fail you no longer.

From this day henceforth,

the tournament shall be open
to all free men.

[PEOPLE CHEERING]

And let it be known,

the great sword,
Excalibur, Camelot,

my daughter's hand,

all shall belong
to my successor,

the last man unhorsed
in honorable combat.

Let the tournament begin.

[PEOPLE CHEERING]

That's your cue, Professor.

-I can't believe my ears.
-Go, son. Prepare thyself.

Thou deserveth
a place in my court.

Let's go, lover boy.
You still got to win
this turkey.

[HORSE WHINNIES]

[CROWD CHEERING]

Here. I've been
saving this for
a special occasion.

It's called
a candy bar.

Is it food?

Compared to
what you're used to,
it's gourmet dining.

You are truly
a great knight.

[CROWD APPLAUDING, CHEERING]

[NEIGHS]

[LOUD CHEERING]

You have defeated
all opponents.

Only one of you will leave
this field of honor

and one day rule
in my stead.

Kick his butt.

[NEIGHS]

[HORSE NEIGHS]

[GASPS]

[CROWD EXCLAIMS]

No!

I fear that Kane
is defeated.

Hey, you know the rules.
He's still on his horse.

He's right, father.

As long as
he's on his steed,
he's still in the game.

Stall him.
I'll be right back.

It is done.
I claim my victory.

As you've not
unhorsed Master Kane,
he is not yet defeated.

But, sire...

Rules are rules.

Very well, then.

I shall await
the allotted time.

Then you can
proclaim my legacy.

Ah, I can hardly wait.

Hurry.

Sir Kane,
how many fingers
am I holding up?

Just a little off the top.
Keep the sideburns.

He speaks in tongues.

Hey! Where are
you going?

To announce
Sir Kane's defeat.

He's not defeated.
He's...

He's meditating.

Oh, hurry, Calvin.

The time has passed,
Your Highness.

Please, declare my victory.

Wrong again, Dweeb.

[CROWD CHEERING]

[CROWD]
Oh!

It is black magic.

[GRUNTS]

[CROWD CHEERING]

You're history, Belasco.

Your blood is mine!

Hey, chill out, dude!

Agh!

Prepare to meet
thy ancestors.

[GRUNTING]

He's got my cloth!

[CROWD LAUGHING,
CHEERING]

[CROWD LAUGHING]

Thou hast won
the tournament,
Sir Knight.

Sarah's hand is thine.

Sarah? But I hardly know her.

Oh, it is
not a question
of familiarity.

It is a question
of victory.

Isn't it?

No, Father.
It is not.

Hmm.

Listen, I'm not
your knight
in shining armor.

He is.

It seems I owe thee
more than one debt
of gratitude, Sir Knight.

Reveal thyself, so that
we may all know thee.

-[PEOPLE MURMURING]
-Who is it?

[CROWD GASPS]

Hello, Father.

WOMAN: The princess!

Daughter.

Daughter,

thou hast won
the right to choose.

WOMAN: God bless
Princess Sarah
and Master Kane!

[CROWD CHEERS]

[GRUNTING]

As for thee,
Lord Belasco,

thou art banished from
my kingdom forever.

If I were thee,
I would not stop
until thou reachest...

Cucamonga.

Cucamonga.

Cucamonga?

You are
a great knight.

I had
a great teacher.

ARTHUR: Sir Calvin,

my kingdom
is thine.

What dost thou want?

A castle?
A dukedom?

I just wanna go home.

Godspeed,
Sir Calvin.

You've given
me so much.

Is there anything
I can give you?

No.

[CHUCKLES]

I wouldn't mind
that Swiss Army knife.

Is there nothing
I can say or do
to make you stay?

I have to
go back.

You won't
forget me?

How could I?

I'm ready, Merlin.

You have done well,
brave knight.

Thank you, Sir Calvin.

And now it's time
for me to keep my end
of the bargain.

Behold, your way home.

Are you sure about this?

MERLIN: Trust me.

I'm back.

[RUMBLING]

There wasn't
any earthquake.

COACH: You're up, Fuller.

Ventilate 'em, Calvin.

He brought me back
before I struck out.

Try swingin'
this time, Fuller.

Thanks, Hal.
I love your tan.

-[CROWD CHEERING]
-Come on! Whoo!

It's only a game, son.
Just give it your best shot.

WOMAN: Good luck, honey.
We're all rootin' for ya.

I get your room
if you get killed.

You got it.

Yes! Yes!

Relax. Just remember
what I told you.

Three things,
right, Coach?

-Go for it, kid.
-CROWD: Yeah!

-[CROWD CHEERING]
-Come on!

ARTHUR:
Calvin. Remember.

It does not take a sword
in a stone to make a hero.

You're dead meat, Fuller.

Not this time, Baker.

[ALL CHEERING]

[SHRIEKS] Run!

Nice going, Fuller.

Katey?

[CHUCKLING]

KATEY: You were great.

BOY: I knew
you could do it!

[ALL CLAMORING]

Taught the kid
everything he knows.