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1
00:02:35,405 --> 00:02:37,453
The October storm,
2
00:02:37,574 --> 00:02:39,497
caused by a double-barrel
low-pressure system
3
00:02:39,618 --> 00:02:40,619
in eastern Nebraska,
4
00:02:40,744 --> 00:02:44,089
is the most intense so far
of this winter season.
5
00:02:44,206 --> 00:02:46,959
Travelers' warnings
for flash flooding, high winds,
6
00:02:47,084 --> 00:02:48,506
and severe thunderstorms...
7
00:02:53,048 --> 00:02:54,891
Motorists are advised
to take extreme caution,
8
00:02:55,008 --> 00:02:56,806
as already the road conditions
have become treacherous,
9
00:02:56,927 --> 00:02:59,851
especially in those areas
where the highways cross
10
00:02:59,971 --> 00:03:02,941
or are near rivers
or other major bodies of water.
11
00:03:03,058 --> 00:03:07,404
I repeat, the Weather Bureau
has issued travelers' warnings
12
00:03:07,521 --> 00:03:11,697
for flash flooding, high winds,
and severe thunderstorms.
13
00:03:11,817 --> 00:03:14,445
The motorist is advised
to take extreme caution
14
00:03:14,569 --> 00:03:16,537
as road conditions
have already...
15
00:03:16,655 --> 00:03:18,703
Shut the hell up.
16
00:03:18,824 --> 00:03:20,371
Goddamn puppet.
17
00:03:20,492 --> 00:03:24,963
You're nothing but a puppet
for the Weather Bureau.
18
00:03:25,080 --> 00:03:30,632
And they pull the string that
makes your mouth go up and down.
19
00:03:32,879 --> 00:03:38,101
I'll bet you don't even know
what the hell an isobar is.
20
00:03:45,100 --> 00:03:51,324
And don't go telling me
it's some kind of a Popsicle.
21
00:03:51,440 --> 00:03:54,444
'Cause it ain't!
22
00:03:56,862 --> 00:04:00,036
I got schooling in me.
23
00:04:00,157 --> 00:04:03,377
I'm no dummy.
24
00:04:03,994 --> 00:04:06,372
Charlie saw to that.
25
00:04:10,375 --> 00:04:15,347
Charlie didn't want no dummy
for a wife.
26
00:04:19,301 --> 00:04:25,525
And I didn't want no Charlie
McCarthy for a husband either.
27
00:04:26,224 --> 00:04:29,649
I wanted Charlie Hammond.
28
00:04:29,770 --> 00:04:35,118
And I wanted to be
Mrs. Gert Hammond.
29
00:04:35,233 --> 00:04:38,783
Wife of Charlie.
30
00:04:38,904 --> 00:04:42,158
Charlie's woman.
31
00:04:42,282 --> 00:04:43,659
Forever.
32
00:04:43,784 --> 00:04:47,004
Not just till they came.
33
00:04:51,458 --> 00:04:55,838
Stinking windshield wipers don't
make a damn of a difference.
34
00:04:55,962 --> 00:04:59,091
I shouldn't be toting around
mammals on a night like this.
35
00:04:59,216 --> 00:05:01,719
Why the hell didn't
that crummy circus give me
36
00:05:01,843 --> 00:05:02,890
the amphibian cage?
37
00:05:04,054 --> 00:05:06,603
Pipe down, Samson!
38
00:05:06,723 --> 00:05:09,567
You might be king of the jungle
in Africa,
39
00:05:09,684 --> 00:05:12,733
but in this circus,
you're nothing but a bozo.
40
00:05:12,854 --> 00:05:16,233
Every time I see that trainer
putting the hula hoops on you
41
00:05:16,358 --> 00:05:18,031
and I see those kids screaming
42
00:05:18,151 --> 00:05:21,030
with the Cracker Jacks flying
out of their mouths
43
00:05:21,154 --> 00:05:23,828
and the cotton candy
sticking to their chins,
44
00:05:23,949 --> 00:05:25,951
it makes me sick!
45
00:05:26,076 --> 00:05:27,919
Sick, Samson!
46
00:05:28,036 --> 00:05:29,663
Yeah, sick.
47
00:05:29,788 --> 00:05:31,335
I want to puke on them.
48
00:05:31,456 --> 00:05:34,426
God knows it wouldn't make
any difference,
49
00:05:34,543 --> 00:05:37,296
what with the mustard
and ice cream
50
00:05:37,420 --> 00:05:40,299
dripping down
their fat little necks.
51
00:05:40,423 --> 00:05:42,471
God, you can't even tell
52
00:05:42,592 --> 00:05:46,438
between the freckles
and the mashed popcorn.
53
00:05:46,555 --> 00:05:49,980
--No, Medusa.
54
00:05:50,100 --> 00:05:52,603
I wasn't talking about you.
55
00:05:52,727 --> 00:05:55,697
Gorillas are different
from little children.
56
00:05:55,814 --> 00:05:58,283
They have more hair.
57
00:06:06,533 --> 00:06:08,206
Don't know what he's carrying,
58
00:06:08,326 --> 00:06:10,920
but whatever they are,
they sure are hungry.
59
00:06:11,037 --> 00:06:14,257
I don't have to worry
about hunger.
60
00:06:14,374 --> 00:06:16,092
Of the stomach.
61
00:06:16,209 --> 00:06:18,132
Just the other hunger.
62
00:06:18,253 --> 00:06:23,225
The one more ravishing
that I worry about.
63
00:06:24,384 --> 00:06:26,933
But why worry?
64
00:06:27,053 --> 00:06:30,899
Wasn't there something I read
or heard in church,
65
00:06:31,016 --> 00:06:33,110
something about birds.
66
00:06:33,226 --> 00:06:35,820
Birds don't worry about eating,
67
00:06:35,937 --> 00:06:40,283
and yet God provides
plenty of food.
68
00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:44,746
But I -- I'm not satisfied
with just worms!
69
00:06:44,863 --> 00:06:47,662
I need something
more substantial.
70
00:06:52,662 --> 00:06:54,630
Howdy, stranger.
71
00:06:54,748 --> 00:06:56,341
No need to ask
if you need a lift.
72
00:06:56,458 --> 00:06:58,301
We all need one
in this kind of weather.
73
00:06:58,418 --> 00:07:03,424
The real question
The $64,000 question is
74
00:07:03,548 --> 00:07:04,549
How high do you want to get?
75
00:07:04,674 --> 00:07:06,426
What are you -- a junkie?
76
00:07:06,551 --> 00:07:08,974
Only junk I carry
is on my wrist.
77
00:07:09,095 --> 00:07:11,473
And what do you have
in those two crates?
78
00:07:11,598 --> 00:07:12,724
Oh, it's just something
I picked up
79
00:07:12,849 --> 00:07:14,317
when I was hitchhiking
from Tucson.
80
00:07:14,434 --> 00:07:16,903
Well, you take your
two crates and you take yourself
81
00:07:17,020 --> 00:07:18,863
and you get yourself right
into this car
82
00:07:18,980 --> 00:07:20,232
before you drown in that rain.
83
00:07:20,357 --> 00:07:21,904
Yes, ma'am.
Right away.
84
00:07:22,025 --> 00:07:23,993
Sash,
pick up that lily-white butt
85
00:07:24,110 --> 00:07:25,657
and go help with Mr. Stranger
with his things.
86
00:07:25,779 --> 00:07:28,453
And just give him a hand,
you hear?
87
00:07:36,957 --> 00:07:40,302
I was ordered to lend you a hand
and nothing more.
88
00:07:40,418 --> 00:07:43,672
Those were the orders
from our general over there
89
00:07:43,797 --> 00:07:46,892
with her junk-jewelry medals.
90
00:07:47,008 --> 00:07:48,931
Why do you listen to her?
91
00:07:49,052 --> 00:07:51,180
Why did you bring what I was
told --the lily-white butt
92
00:07:51,304 --> 00:07:53,056
out in this rain?
93
00:07:53,181 --> 00:07:59,530
My butt's white from being so
numb after two days of driving.
94
00:07:59,646 --> 00:08:02,866
But it used to be red
when we used to live in Tucson.
95
00:08:02,983 --> 00:08:04,906
If only
you could have seen it then.
96
00:08:05,026 --> 00:08:07,700
Gee, ma'am, I ain't even seen
the white one yet.
97
00:08:07,821 --> 00:08:09,539
So quit jumping the gun.
98
00:08:09,656 --> 00:08:11,624
Oh, you'll see it all right.
99
00:08:11,741 --> 00:08:12,788
Just a matter of time.
100
00:08:12,909 --> 00:08:13,751
-Sash!
101
00:08:13,868 --> 00:08:15,336
And Ruta's whim.
102
00:08:15,453 --> 00:08:18,172
Sash, honey, your skirt's soaked
through to the skin.
103
00:08:18,289 --> 00:08:20,587
So please take it off
before sitting next to me.
104
00:08:21,835 --> 00:08:23,837
Now, come on in, you two,
105
00:08:23,962 --> 00:08:27,057
and Mister
What's your name again?
106
00:08:27,173 --> 00:08:28,720
Toydy. Toydy McNeil.
107
00:08:28,842 --> 00:08:31,391
"Toydy"? Is that Brooklyn?
108
00:08:31,511 --> 00:08:32,433
No. Why?
109
00:08:32,554 --> 00:08:33,976
Well, in Brooklyn,
110
00:08:34,097 --> 00:08:36,225
they say things like doydy
and boydy and toydy.
111
00:08:36,349 --> 00:08:38,226
I was educated in Brooklyn.
112
00:08:38,351 --> 00:08:40,274
Brooklyn Community College.
113
00:08:40,395 --> 00:08:42,818
It was quite a community
of fatsos.
114
00:08:42,939 --> 00:08:46,068
They really believed
in letting it all hang out.
115
00:08:46,192 --> 00:08:48,490
Hanging out
of their shirt sleeves
116
00:08:48,611 --> 00:08:50,409
and the collars of their suits
117
00:08:50,530 --> 00:08:52,828
and their two-piece
bathing suits.
118
00:08:52,949 --> 00:08:55,998
You know, people see whales
on the beach after a storm,
119
00:08:56,119 --> 00:08:57,837
and they think that's something.
120
00:08:57,954 --> 00:08:59,581
That's only because they've
never been to Brighton Beach.
121
00:08:59,706 --> 00:09:02,960
Well, I'm for letting it all
hang out.
122
00:09:03,084 --> 00:09:05,883
That's been my motto
since I was 17.
123
00:09:06,004 --> 00:09:07,221
I'm sure
what you have to hang out
124
00:09:07,338 --> 00:09:09,841
is well worth exposing
to the light of day.
125
00:09:09,966 --> 00:09:13,266
Or, for that matter,
a 6-watt overhead lamp.
126
00:09:13,970 --> 00:09:16,064
Care to surface
your breathing snorkel?
127
00:09:16,181 --> 00:09:18,183
Ruta, cut it out.
128
00:09:18,308 --> 00:09:19,730
Turn off that light.
129
00:09:19,851 --> 00:09:21,899
I've had enough of this filth.
130
00:09:22,020 --> 00:09:24,068
Who was she telling you about
back there?
131
00:09:24,189 --> 00:09:26,567
Oh, nothing much.
Something about Tucson.
132
00:09:26,691 --> 00:09:29,069
About how she used to have
a red butt?
133
00:09:29,194 --> 00:09:30,286
- Shut up, Ruta.
- That's it.
134
00:09:30,403 --> 00:09:32,246
She said she had a red butt
when she was in Arizona.
135
00:09:32,363 --> 00:09:33,706
Ruta!
136
00:09:33,823 --> 00:09:35,245
She didn't get it
from lying in too much sun.
137
00:09:35,366 --> 00:09:36,242
I can tell you that.
138
00:09:36,367 --> 00:09:37,744
You want to know how she got it?
139
00:09:37,869 --> 00:09:39,792
Shut up, Ruta.
I'm warning you.
140
00:09:39,913 --> 00:09:42,086
You want to know, stranger?
141
00:09:42,207 --> 00:09:44,960
Yeah, well, I don't know.
Sure.
142
00:09:45,085 --> 00:09:46,507
Roo, you keep your mouth shut!
143
00:09:46,628 --> 00:09:47,800
He wants to know, honey.
144
00:09:47,921 --> 00:09:48,843
Shut up!
145
00:09:48,963 --> 00:09:51,716
I'm not going to tell you
till you let it all hang out.
146
00:09:51,841 --> 00:09:53,218
Come on, now. Fair's fair.
147
00:09:53,343 --> 00:09:55,641
I let you see
her lily-white butt, didn't I?
148
00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:01,772
Ooh, baby doll.
149
00:10:01,893 --> 00:10:03,566
For that, I'd give you
150
00:10:03,686 --> 00:10:07,031
the formula to the atomic bomb
if I knew it.
151
00:10:07,148 --> 00:10:10,243
Didn't you learn that stuff
in Brooklyn Community College?
152
00:10:10,360 --> 00:10:14,240
They taught us about
atomic fission and fusion.
153
00:10:14,364 --> 00:10:16,787
And I was all hot for fusion,
baby.
154
00:10:16,908 --> 00:10:20,128
Red hot
like your friend's butt was?
155
00:10:20,245 --> 00:10:23,249
You didn't tell him, Roo,
did you?
156
00:10:23,373 --> 00:10:24,750
I have to tell him now, Sash.
157
00:10:24,874 --> 00:10:26,751
I can't leave him hanging
in the air
158
00:10:26,876 --> 00:10:29,880
when he's giving me what I want
right in the palm of my hand.
159
00:10:30,004 --> 00:10:31,802
You'll never live to tell him!
160
00:10:31,923 --> 00:10:32,924
Never!
161
00:10:47,647 --> 00:10:49,365
Hey, I saw something.
162
00:10:49,482 --> 00:10:50,984
An explosion or something.
163
00:10:51,109 --> 00:10:53,328
- What?
- I don't know.
164
00:10:53,444 --> 00:10:56,664
It was like a big ball of fire,
like something exploded.
165
00:10:56,781 --> 00:10:58,158
A gas tank or something.
166
00:10:58,283 --> 00:10:59,455
You're very observant.
167
00:10:59,576 --> 00:11:00,953
So are you.
168
00:11:01,077 --> 00:11:02,329
I've been noticing
169
00:11:02,453 --> 00:11:05,002
you scrutinizing me
for a long time now.
170
00:11:05,123 --> 00:11:06,375
What was it
you were scrutinizing?
171
00:11:06,499 --> 00:11:07,876
My nose?
172
00:11:08,001 --> 00:11:09,969
Was there a piece of snot
hanging from my nose?
173
00:11:10,086 --> 00:11:11,383
No.
174
00:11:11,504 --> 00:11:13,006
Well, I caught a cold, you know,
175
00:11:13,131 --> 00:11:15,179
waiting out there in the rain
until you picked me up.
176
00:11:15,300 --> 00:11:16,927
I'm mighty grateful to you,
177
00:11:17,051 --> 00:11:18,849
what, with all your sweet music
178
00:11:18,970 --> 00:11:21,348
and your fancy-smelling
pipe tobacco.
179
00:11:21,472 --> 00:11:23,645
What's the matter?
You don't like Tchaikovsky?
180
00:11:23,766 --> 00:11:25,484
I'm not complaining, Chandler.
181
00:11:25,602 --> 00:11:27,354
In fact, I said
I'm mighty grateful.
182
00:11:27,478 --> 00:11:29,025
-it's just that...
-What, Bond?
183
00:11:29,147 --> 00:11:31,070
Well, it's just...
184
00:11:31,191 --> 00:11:34,536
My gazes?
My admiring glances?
185
00:11:34,652 --> 00:11:37,872
At your rather extravagant torso
186
00:11:37,989 --> 00:11:39,616
put you ill at ease?
187
00:11:39,741 --> 00:11:41,743
Well, no.
188
00:11:41,868 --> 00:11:43,870
It's just that that's all
you're doing is just looking.
189
00:11:43,995 --> 00:11:46,248
You mean you were expecting me
to do something else?
190
00:11:46,372 --> 00:11:48,795
Me? Chandler Wilson?
191
00:11:48,917 --> 00:11:52,046
Heir to the Wilson fortune?
192
00:11:52,170 --> 00:11:54,047
And widower
of Sarah Lou Phillips
193
00:11:54,172 --> 00:11:56,174
from the House of Phillips
Unlimited?
194
00:11:56,299 --> 00:11:57,801
You mean the House of Phillips,
195
00:11:57,926 --> 00:12:00,145
that big girdle manufacturing
plant down in Waco?
196
00:12:00,261 --> 00:12:02,730
Yes.
That's exactly what I mean.
197
00:12:02,847 --> 00:12:05,475
That big girdle factory
in central Texas
198
00:12:05,600 --> 00:12:07,602
where everything grows big,
199
00:12:07,727 --> 00:12:09,775
especially a middle-age gut.
200
00:12:09,896 --> 00:12:11,648
I'm scared of that.
201
00:12:11,773 --> 00:12:13,195
Scared of what?
202
00:12:13,316 --> 00:12:14,784
Middle-age gut.
203
00:12:14,901 --> 00:12:18,405
Well, you've got nothing
to fret about, Bond.
204
00:12:18,529 --> 00:12:20,406
From the looks of things,
205
00:12:20,531 --> 00:12:24,377
your gut looks like
it's made out of coiled steel.
206
00:12:24,494 --> 00:12:26,087
You really think so, Chandler?
207
00:12:26,204 --> 00:12:27,330
Pull your shirt down!
208
00:12:27,455 --> 00:12:28,297
What's wrong?
209
00:12:28,414 --> 00:12:30,132
What did I do wrong, Chandler?
210
00:12:30,250 --> 00:12:33,754
That's the second time you've
flown off the handle tonight.
211
00:12:33,878 --> 00:12:35,846
The first time is when
I wanted to show you
212
00:12:35,964 --> 00:12:37,011
that tattoo on my thigh.
213
00:12:37,131 --> 00:12:40,260
I told you at the time that
I had no interest whatsoever
214
00:12:40,385 --> 00:12:42,638
in looking at a tattoo
of a dodo bird.
215
00:12:42,762 --> 00:12:43,729
But they're extinct.
216
00:12:43,846 --> 00:12:45,143
You can't see them anymore.
217
00:12:45,265 --> 00:12:46,482
I'm well aware of that, Bond,
218
00:12:46,599 --> 00:12:49,819
but I think that having one
tattooed on your hairy thigh
219
00:12:49,936 --> 00:12:51,688
is in extreme poor taste,
220
00:12:51,813 --> 00:12:54,612
especially considering that the
species has vanished forever.
221
00:12:54,732 --> 00:12:56,075
My thigh isn't hairy.
222
00:12:56,192 --> 00:13:00,038
Let's just skip the subject,
shall we?
223
00:13:01,322 --> 00:13:03,666
-Chandler?
-Yeah?
224
00:13:03,783 --> 00:13:05,376
Didn't your wife pass away
recently?
225
00:13:05,493 --> 00:13:07,587
I seem to remember reading
something about it somewhere.
226
00:13:07,704 --> 00:13:11,208
My wife, Sarah Lou Phillips,
daughter of Leland,
227
00:13:11,332 --> 00:13:14,757
the creator of the House
of Phillips Unlimited,
228
00:13:14,877 --> 00:13:17,676
died last year.
229
00:13:17,797 --> 00:13:20,300
Died a horrible death.
230
00:13:20,425 --> 00:13:21,893
I'm terribly sorry.
231
00:13:22,010 --> 00:13:23,011
For her or for me?
232
00:13:23,136 --> 00:13:24,683
For the both of you.
233
00:13:24,804 --> 00:13:27,478
Well, reserve your bleeding
heart strictly for her.
234
00:13:27,598 --> 00:13:30,602
Our marriage was going up
in smoke anyway.
235
00:13:30,727 --> 00:13:34,027
It's just that she turned
the expression into a reality.
236
00:13:34,147 --> 00:13:35,319
Wasn't there a fire?
237
00:13:35,440 --> 00:13:36,817
Wasn't your wife killed
in a fire?
238
00:13:36,941 --> 00:13:38,739
You're very observant Bond.
239
00:13:38,860 --> 00:13:41,488
Is that where you got
your good-looking body?
240
00:13:41,612 --> 00:13:44,115
From chasing fire engines
down the street?
241
00:13:44,240 --> 00:13:46,288
I work hard to get this body
looking the way it does.
242
00:13:46,409 --> 00:13:47,581
Well, I bet you have.
243
00:13:47,702 --> 00:13:49,170
And is the investment
paying off?
244
00:13:49,287 --> 00:13:52,291
Not tonight it isn't.
245
00:13:52,415 --> 00:13:55,510
Bond, I, uh...
246
00:13:56,753 --> 00:14:00,178
I find you very attractive.
247
00:14:00,298 --> 00:14:03,302
So attractive that I want to
throw you out of this car.
248
00:14:03,426 --> 00:14:04,552
Well, I don't get it.
249
00:14:04,677 --> 00:14:06,179
If you find me so attractive,
250
00:14:06,304 --> 00:14:09,308
why the hell would you
want to throw me out of the car?
251
00:14:09,432 --> 00:14:10,900
I mean, I'm the one
252
00:14:11,017 --> 00:14:12,269
that ought to be getting
out of this car voluntarily,
253
00:14:12,393 --> 00:14:13,770
knowing what's on your mind.
254
00:14:13,895 --> 00:14:16,944
I can't help what's on my mind,
Bond.
255
00:14:17,065 --> 00:14:18,408
It's been a year since I've had
256
00:14:18,524 --> 00:14:20,071
any worthwhile
sexual encounters.
257
00:14:20,193 --> 00:14:21,945
Is that when your wife died?
258
00:14:22,070 --> 00:14:23,242
Oh, the hell with her!
259
00:14:23,363 --> 00:14:25,866
When I mentioned
Sarah Lou Phillips,
260
00:14:25,990 --> 00:14:28,914
heiress to
the House of Phillips Unlimited,
261
00:14:29,035 --> 00:14:32,414
I'm not talking
about worthwhile sex.
262
00:14:32,538 --> 00:14:35,758
It wasn't sex that we shared
in the dark
263
00:14:35,875 --> 00:14:38,924
on that Castro Convertible sofa
her mother bought us.
264
00:14:39,045 --> 00:14:41,343
No.
265
00:14:41,464 --> 00:14:43,683
No, that was
infantile perversion!
266
00:14:43,800 --> 00:14:46,223
I want you
to tell me about it, Chandler.
267
00:14:46,344 --> 00:14:47,391
why?
268
00:14:47,512 --> 00:14:50,231
Why would a clean,
good-looking kid like you
269
00:14:50,348 --> 00:14:52,897
want to delve
into the filth of the rich?
270
00:14:53,017 --> 00:14:55,896
'Cause it's a dark,
stormy night
271
00:14:56,020 --> 00:14:59,650
and there ain't nothing
but this cigarette
272
00:14:59,774 --> 00:15:02,277
and the light on the radio dial
273
00:15:02,402 --> 00:15:05,952
and the rain
and your face in that light.
274
00:15:06,072 --> 00:15:08,245
You got a nice face, Chandler.
275
00:15:08,366 --> 00:15:10,334
You got a real nice face.
276
00:15:19,419 --> 00:15:22,423
Give me a puff
of that cigarette, kid.
277
00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:32,766
First it's a pipe.
Now it's a cigarette.
278
00:15:32,890 --> 00:15:35,734
What's it going to be next,
Chandler?
279
00:15:35,852 --> 00:15:37,604
White Owl cigar maybe?
280
00:15:37,728 --> 00:15:41,073
You've got an uncanny
way of getting under my skin.
281
00:15:41,190 --> 00:15:43,067
Wouldn't it be much nicer
282
00:15:43,192 --> 00:15:45,536
if I got into it
rather than under it?
283
00:15:50,074 --> 00:15:53,374
Something the matter, Officer?
Something wrong?
284
00:15:53,494 --> 00:15:55,337
Officer? Oh, no.
I'm nothing like that.
285
00:15:55,455 --> 00:15:58,129
I'm just a housewife.
That's all I am.
286
00:15:58,249 --> 00:15:59,421
See my badge.
287
00:15:59,542 --> 00:16:01,795
That was given to me
by my husband.
288
00:16:01,919 --> 00:16:04,843
He's the country rock singer
Simon Cassidy.
289
00:16:04,964 --> 00:16:06,807
Perhaps you've heard of him.
290
00:16:06,924 --> 00:16:08,926
I've got his pictures
right here,
291
00:16:09,051 --> 00:16:11,804
and they're all personally
autographed by Simon.
292
00:16:11,929 --> 00:16:13,397
Would you like one?
293
00:16:13,514 --> 00:16:14,936
I'm his secretary,
294
00:16:15,057 --> 00:16:17,810
and Simon personally autographs
every 8x10 glossy
295
00:16:17,935 --> 00:16:18,936
for his friends.
296
00:16:19,061 --> 00:16:20,233
You, young fella.
297
00:16:20,354 --> 00:16:22,448
You look like
a country rock fan.
298
00:16:22,565 --> 00:16:24,033
-Are you not?
-Sort of.
299
00:16:24,150 --> 00:16:26,403
My, my, my.
Aren't you a wet noodle?
300
00:16:26,527 --> 00:16:28,495
He's no wet noodle, lady.
I can testify to that.
301
00:16:28,613 --> 00:16:29,956
Well, I'm becoming one
302
00:16:30,072 --> 00:16:31,745
just standing out here
in all this rain.
303
00:16:31,866 --> 00:16:33,334
Listen, I just stopped
to converse
304
00:16:33,451 --> 00:16:34,373
with my fellow travelers
305
00:16:34,494 --> 00:16:35,837
about the explosion I just saw
down the road a bit.
306
00:16:35,953 --> 00:16:37,296
I told you, Chandler.
307
00:16:37,413 --> 00:16:39,086
I told you
I saw something blow up.
308
00:16:39,207 --> 00:16:42,086
Maybe a bolt of lightning hit
a tree or something like that.
309
00:16:42,210 --> 00:16:44,338
I didn't see
no lightning, mister.
310
00:16:44,462 --> 00:16:47,432
There was a big yellow flash and
then an orange sheet of fire.
311
00:16:47,548 --> 00:16:48,800
Chandler,
maybe somebody got hurt.
312
00:16:48,925 --> 00:16:50,051
Listen, kid.
313
00:16:50,176 --> 00:16:53,305
I vowed before embarking
on this trip
314
00:16:53,429 --> 00:16:58,105
that once I started,
I was never looking back.
315
00:16:58,226 --> 00:17:01,230
Now, I'm going to Waco, Texas,
316
00:17:01,354 --> 00:17:04,073
to that great giant
girdle factory
317
00:17:04,190 --> 00:17:07,034
that stands
like a mammoth mausoleum
318
00:17:07,151 --> 00:17:10,496
to the memory of my dead wife,
Sarah Lou Phillips.
319
00:17:10,613 --> 00:17:11,865
You mean Sarah Lou Phillips
320
00:17:11,989 --> 00:17:13,787
of the House of Phillips
Unlimited?
321
00:17:13,908 --> 00:17:15,410
Yeah.
That's what he's talking about.
322
00:17:15,535 --> 00:17:16,752
And I don't intend
to water down my mission,
323
00:17:16,869 --> 00:17:18,997
the only mission
I've got in life,
324
00:17:19,121 --> 00:17:22,500
just because some ball of fire
lights up the night sky
325
00:17:22,625 --> 00:17:24,844
in this godforsaken
nowhere land.
326
00:17:26,504 --> 00:17:29,348
No, the ball of fire
I've got planned
327
00:17:29,465 --> 00:17:32,639
is going to rival
the sun itself.
328
00:17:32,760 --> 00:17:35,263
You mark my words, Bond.
329
00:17:35,388 --> 00:17:37,356
It's gonna turn night into day!
330
00:17:37,473 --> 00:17:38,770
You scare me, mister.
331
00:17:38,891 --> 00:17:40,564
You're talking
like some sort of beatnik.
332
00:17:40,685 --> 00:17:42,187
And supposing I am,
333
00:17:42,311 --> 00:17:44,063
what have you got
against beatniks?
334
00:17:44,188 --> 00:17:46,111
Well, for one thing,
their bongo drums.
335
00:17:46,232 --> 00:17:48,405
I can't stand
all that stupid pounding.
336
00:17:48,526 --> 00:17:51,655
Listen, I don't know how we got
on this hypotrical subject.
337
00:17:51,779 --> 00:17:52,951
"Hypothetical."
338
00:17:53,072 --> 00:17:54,119
Well, that's what I said.
339
00:17:54,240 --> 00:17:55,537
Now, we ought to go back.
340
00:17:55,658 --> 00:17:57,251
There might be people dying
back there.
341
00:17:57,368 --> 00:17:59,370
There are people up ahead
who are dying, too.
342
00:18:00,788 --> 00:18:02,711
Look, Chandler.
343
00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:07,880
I gave you that cigarette,
and you put it in your mouth.
344
00:18:08,004 --> 00:18:11,554
How about
that White Owl Cigar?
345
00:18:14,218 --> 00:18:15,561
I saw some lights up ahead.
346
00:18:15,678 --> 00:18:17,680
There's probably a farmhouse
up there.
347
00:18:17,805 --> 00:18:20,479
So I'll go and check and see
if they have a telephone
348
00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:22,944
just in case
you find someone injured.
349
00:18:23,060 --> 00:18:23,982
All right, lady.
350
00:18:24,103 --> 00:18:26,481
We'll meet you there.
351
00:18:28,024 --> 00:18:29,526
God bless you and keep you,
352
00:18:29,650 --> 00:18:34,406
for the devil walks about
on nights such as this.
353
00:18:43,289 --> 00:18:45,291
Who is it?
354
00:18:48,419 --> 00:18:52,174
Who's that knocking at my door?
355
00:18:56,218 --> 00:18:59,848
Is that you, Mr. Maple Tree?
356
00:19:02,099 --> 00:19:07,356
ls the wind making you bang
your branches against my door?
357
00:19:08,773 --> 00:19:12,368
Hello in there.
Anybody home?
358
00:19:12,485 --> 00:19:14,533
Oh, my God.
359
00:19:14,654 --> 00:19:18,659
That was a human voice.
360
00:19:19,700 --> 00:19:25,048
That was a woman's voice calling
from behind that door!
361
00:19:25,748 --> 00:19:29,719
Who is it that speaks to me
with the voice of a woman'?!
362
00:19:29,835 --> 00:19:31,678
My name is Mrs. Cassidy.
363
00:19:31,796 --> 00:19:34,015
Sorry to bother you,
but I need your help.
364
00:19:34,131 --> 00:19:36,884
Well, just a minute,
Mrs. Cassidy!
365
00:19:37,009 --> 00:19:41,765
Mrs. Gert Hammond will be
with you in a minute!
366
00:19:41,889 --> 00:19:44,142
Please be patient.
367
00:19:55,695 --> 00:20:01,293
Why couldn't she have telephoned
before coming over?
368
00:20:01,409 --> 00:20:05,130
It isn't fair
after all these years
369
00:20:05,246 --> 00:20:08,170
that someone should knock
on my door
370
00:20:08,290 --> 00:20:11,294
and not even warn me
of their visit.
371
00:20:12,378 --> 00:20:14,346
Thirty minutes' warning.
372
00:20:14,463 --> 00:20:16,261
That's all I ask.
373
00:20:16,382 --> 00:20:21,559
One half-hour to bathe
and scent my body
374
00:20:21,679 --> 00:20:25,183
in preparation
for the ensuing visitation.
375
00:20:27,226 --> 00:20:30,275
Just a moment, Mrs. Cassidy!
376
00:20:30,396 --> 00:20:33,946
Mrs. Gert Hammond will be
with you in a moment.
377
00:20:34,066 --> 00:20:37,445
Please forgive the delay.
378
00:20:37,570 --> 00:20:40,244
My hair.
379
00:20:40,364 --> 00:20:44,870
She mustn't see my hair
like this.
380
00:20:47,246 --> 00:20:49,840
Oh, my God.
381
00:20:49,957 --> 00:20:53,837
I'm seeing double.
382
00:20:53,961 --> 00:20:55,884
I'm so drunk,
383
00:20:56,005 --> 00:21:02,854
I can't possibly hold
an audience with Mrs. Cassidy.
384
00:21:02,970 --> 00:21:06,395
Oh, what'll she think of me?
385
00:21:06,515 --> 00:21:10,065
She'll pity me.
386
00:21:10,186 --> 00:21:16,990
I'll be a disgrace to the memory
of my dead husband.
387
00:21:22,031 --> 00:21:23,658
Oh.
388
00:21:23,741 --> 00:21:25,789
Oh.
389
00:21:25,910 --> 00:21:30,381
I got to get this alcohol
out of my system.
390
00:21:35,336 --> 00:21:36,508
[eassl
391
00:21:59,777 --> 00:22:04,954
Oh, why did you have to come
without calling, Mrs. Cassidy?
392
00:22:06,659 --> 00:22:10,459
Please don't go away!
I'm coming!
393
00:22:10,579 --> 00:22:12,957
Please, I'm coming right now!
394
00:22:38,399 --> 00:22:39,491
My goodness!
395
00:22:39,608 --> 00:22:42,487
Noah himself never had it
so bad.
396
00:22:42,611 --> 00:22:43,863
If it keeps up like this,
397
00:22:43,988 --> 00:22:46,116
we're gonna have to build
ourselves a
398
00:22:46,240 --> 00:22:48,334
Have you been sick or something,
ma'am?
399
00:22:49,493 --> 00:22:55,091
My name is Mrs. Gert Hammond.
400
00:22:55,207 --> 00:22:58,632
Welcome to Prairie Blossom,
401
00:22:58,752 --> 00:23:01,847
the name my husband and I chose
402
00:23:01,964 --> 00:23:05,969
for the estate
you are now standing on.
403
00:23:06,093 --> 00:23:08,221
What happened to your head?
404
00:23:08,345 --> 00:23:11,269
Please, let me finish.
405
00:23:11,390 --> 00:23:17,488
Our home, built upon
a stretch of prairie
406
00:23:17,605 --> 00:23:21,951
between the Chickasaw
and Thunderbird Rivers,
407
00:23:22,067 --> 00:23:27,289
was built by hand
with loving care
408
00:23:27,406 --> 00:23:30,785
by my husband, Charlie,
409
00:23:30,910 --> 00:23:38,044
who now lies buried in the wine
cellar beneath our very feet.
410
00:23:38,167 --> 00:23:42,764
The stones that comprise
the outer wall
411
00:23:42,880 --> 00:23:45,850
of this stately mansion
412
00:23:45,966 --> 00:23:51,439
were shipped
by horse and cart...
413
00:23:51,555 --> 00:23:53,978
Uh...
414
00:23:54,099 --> 00:23:59,230
The wonderful granite stones
415
00:23:59,355 --> 00:24:03,861
from the quarry
in the state of Connecticut
416
00:24:03,984 --> 00:24:10,663
were shipped
by horse and cart in, uh...
417
00:24:20,918 --> 00:24:26,925
By four white horses
pulling a huge cart
418
00:24:27,049 --> 00:24:32,806
made from the hardwood oak
of Kensington County.
419
00:24:32,930 --> 00:24:37,231
The date of departure
420
00:24:37,351 --> 00:24:40,525
listed at the county courthouse
421
00:24:40,646 --> 00:24:48,451
is April 13, 1918.
422
00:24:49,697 --> 00:24:51,870
Friday.
423
00:24:54,201 --> 00:24:57,705
Friday the 13th.
424
00:24:57,830 --> 00:25:04,258
The same date as the death
of my husband,
425
00:25:04,378 --> 00:25:10,431
when that hideous nightmare
swept down from the Rockies.
426
00:25:10,551 --> 00:25:12,895
Oh, my dear wretched woman!
427
00:25:13,012 --> 00:25:18,314
How could God in his mercy leave
you alone in this wilderness?
428
00:25:19,685 --> 00:25:22,484
I'm gonna cleanse you
with the waters
429
00:25:22,604 --> 00:25:25,357
that are in
such profusion tonight.
430
00:25:26,025 --> 00:25:29,370
How many days and nights
has your womanly body
431
00:25:29,486 --> 00:25:31,488
been deprived of a washcloth?
432
00:25:33,323 --> 00:25:36,497
What do the widows of the world
need with a washcloth?
433
00:25:36,618 --> 00:25:39,747
Well, soap, for one thing.
434
00:25:39,872 --> 00:25:44,469
And a soothing body oil
for special occasions.
435
00:25:46,712 --> 00:25:50,467
Who are you?!
436
00:25:52,092 --> 00:25:58,020
Coming into my house with your
talk of soap and bath oils?
437
00:25:58,640 --> 00:26:02,690
If you're trying to sell
something, get out!
438
00:26:02,811 --> 00:26:05,735
I have no money!
439
00:26:05,856 --> 00:26:09,531
Only memories.
440
00:26:11,111 --> 00:26:13,489
I'm not selling anything.
441
00:26:13,614 --> 00:26:15,116
I'm giving away for free
442
00:26:15,240 --> 00:26:18,289
the charity that was instilled
in me in my girlhood
443
00:26:18,410 --> 00:26:23,632
as a First Baptist
in the First Church of Christ.
444
00:26:23,749 --> 00:26:27,253
The same church that my husband
and I were married in.
445
00:26:27,377 --> 00:26:29,254
Do you know who my husband is?
446
00:26:29,379 --> 00:26:31,131
No.
447
00:26:31,256 --> 00:26:33,054
Simon Cassidy.
448
00:26:33,175 --> 00:26:34,427
Who's he?
449
00:26:34,551 --> 00:26:36,144
Do you mean to tell me
450
00:26:36,261 --> 00:26:39,515
you don't know who Simon Cassidy
is, a country rock singer?
451
00:26:39,640 --> 00:26:41,642
You, one of the lonely women
452
00:26:41,767 --> 00:26:46,398
who's allowed my husband to come
into your room via the radio
453
00:26:46,522 --> 00:26:49,742
to dispel the gloom
of your empty rooms?
454
00:26:49,858 --> 00:26:51,485
Don't you get jealous?
455
00:26:51,610 --> 00:26:55,205
My husband and I are
as true to each other as we were
456
00:26:55,322 --> 00:26:58,792
three years ago when we were
married in Kentucky.
457
00:26:58,909 --> 00:27:01,003
The wedding was perfect.
458
00:27:03,122 --> 00:27:06,626
There was something new
my snow-white virginity.
459
00:27:06,750 --> 00:27:09,549
[Wagner's "Bridal Chorus"
PIHYSI
460
00:27:13,966 --> 00:27:15,843
Something old
461
00:27:15,968 --> 00:27:20,064
Simon's mother who came
in the most god-awful satin rag.
462
00:27:20,180 --> 00:27:22,182
She looked like
a bag of potatoes
463
00:27:22,307 --> 00:27:23,775
that was oozing margarine.
464
00:27:23,892 --> 00:27:26,020
Then there was
something borrowed
465
00:27:26,145 --> 00:27:29,490
Simon's credit card.
466
00:27:33,235 --> 00:27:35,033
And something blue
467
00:27:35,154 --> 00:27:38,408
the bluegrass of Kentucky
moving up and down the hills
468
00:27:38,532 --> 00:27:40,125
like the Pacific Ocean.
469
00:27:40,242 --> 00:27:43,917
One of these days, I'm gonna see
the Pacific Ocean for real
470
00:27:44,037 --> 00:27:45,960
when Simon makes it
to Hollywood.
471
00:27:46,081 --> 00:27:48,755
Does Hollywood
want your husband?
472
00:27:48,876 --> 00:27:50,048
Why, hell, yes.
473
00:27:50,169 --> 00:27:51,341
Of course
Hollywood wants my husband.
474
00:27:51,461 --> 00:27:53,463
But the parts have just not been
475
00:27:53,589 --> 00:27:56,092
up to Simon's
true creative capacity.
476
00:27:56,216 --> 00:27:58,935
Don't stop.
477
00:27:59,052 --> 00:28:01,521
Keep talking.
478
00:28:01,638 --> 00:28:04,642
Well, of course,
you've heard of Hal B. Wallis,
479
00:28:04,766 --> 00:28:07,690
the big movie producer who
produces all of Elvis' movies?
480
00:28:07,811 --> 00:28:09,484
Yes.
481
00:28:09,605 --> 00:28:10,356
Oh, yes.
482
00:28:10,480 --> 00:28:13,700
Mr. Hal B. Wallis sent
my husband's agent a script
483
00:28:13,817 --> 00:28:17,697
for a small singing part in
the film "Bazookas For Peace."
484
00:28:17,821 --> 00:28:19,038
Oh.
485
00:28:19,156 --> 00:28:22,956
I'd give my piece for a bazooka
any time.
486
00:28:23,076 --> 00:28:25,750
After a little conference
with my husband and his agent,
487
00:28:25,871 --> 00:28:28,624
in which I served some homemade
brownies and Turkish coffee,
488
00:28:28,749 --> 00:28:31,343
we all decided that
the part would be detrimental
489
00:28:31,460 --> 00:28:32,586
to Simon's career,
490
00:28:32,711 --> 00:28:34,839
since it was
a gruesome sequence.
491
00:28:34,963 --> 00:28:37,261
Simon was to be a private
in the infantry
492
00:28:37,382 --> 00:28:41,353
who sings a song to his troops
about life in beautiful Ohio.
493
00:28:41,470 --> 00:28:43,564
Well, that part's all right.
494
00:28:43,680 --> 00:28:44,647
Would you
495
00:28:44,765 --> 00:28:49,020
Would you mind washing me
a little lower, please?
496
00:28:49,144 --> 00:28:51,021
Oh, there. That's fine.
497
00:28:51,146 --> 00:28:55,151
Anyhow, he was to be
singing about beautiful Ohio
498
00:28:55,275 --> 00:28:58,449
when suddenly, a bazooka shell
hits my husband, hits Simon,
499
00:28:58,570 --> 00:28:59,947
who plays a private,
500
00:29:00,072 --> 00:29:02,666
and hits him, of all places,
in his privates.
501
00:29:02,783 --> 00:29:04,911
He was talking about shooting it
in slow motion,
502
00:29:05,035 --> 00:29:07,254
and I tell you, it made me sick
just thinking about it.
503
00:29:08,622 --> 00:29:11,546
That's just the way I felt.
504
00:29:11,667 --> 00:29:13,135
Oh, it's painful.
505
00:29:13,252 --> 00:29:16,882
Imagine my husband,
in his motion-picture debut,
506
00:29:17,005 --> 00:29:20,100
being violently emasculated
in wide-screen color
507
00:29:20,217 --> 00:29:22,936
in front of millions
of screaming females.
508
00:29:25,389 --> 00:29:26,982
That's right, honey.
509
00:29:27,099 --> 00:29:29,443
Screaming just like that.
510
00:29:29,559 --> 00:29:31,937
Why, that would be absolutely
the end of his career
511
00:29:32,062 --> 00:29:35,862
as an all-singin',
all-actin', all-lovin' he-man.
512
00:30:12,102 --> 00:30:16,608
Thank you.
513
00:30:16,690 --> 00:30:20,411
Thank you.
514
00:30:20,527 --> 00:30:22,780
Willene is my name.
515
00:30:22,904 --> 00:30:24,531
And you are, uh, Gert?
516
00:30:24,656 --> 00:30:27,956
Yes.
517
00:30:28,076 --> 00:30:31,046
I'm Gert.
518
00:30:31,997 --> 00:30:37,094
But I'm a Gert reborn.
519
00:30:39,379 --> 00:30:40,881
Every day is a rebirth.
520
00:30:41,006 --> 00:30:44,010
Every day is Easter.
521
00:30:44,134 --> 00:30:46,978
Just remember to color your eggs
happy colors,
522
00:30:47,095 --> 00:30:49,439
like yellow and baby blue.
523
00:30:49,556 --> 00:30:52,309
By the way, honey,
where is your telephone?
524
00:30:52,434 --> 00:30:54,436
it's in the other room.
525
00:30:54,561 --> 00:30:56,234
Thank you.
526
00:31:06,615 --> 00:31:09,414
There's no sound on this thing.
527
00:31:09,534 --> 00:31:11,787
The lines must be down.
528
00:31:22,130 --> 00:31:26,180
The storm has no mercy
for the telephone company.
529
00:31:26,301 --> 00:31:28,895
Anyway, it's dangerous
to talk on the phone
530
00:31:29,012 --> 00:31:31,106
when there's lightning
in the sky.
531
00:31:33,809 --> 00:31:36,278
Oh, you're very good luck
for my, Willene!
532
00:31:36,395 --> 00:31:39,194
Those doors have not felt
human knuckles for a long time.
533
00:31:39,314 --> 00:31:40,861
I think I know who it is.
534
00:31:40,982 --> 00:31:43,485
It's probably the two men I left
in the road awhile ago.
535
00:31:45,445 --> 00:31:46,822
Gracious!
536
00:31:46,947 --> 00:31:50,668
What sort of mischief
has the storm been up to?
537
00:31:50,784 --> 00:31:52,786
Then there was a crash!
538
00:31:52,911 --> 00:31:55,380
You bet there was.
539
00:31:56,289 --> 00:31:59,509
A real bad one, too.
540
00:32:00,710 --> 00:32:02,428
Here we go.
541
00:32:02,546 --> 00:32:03,843
Yeah, they were lucky
542
00:32:03,964 --> 00:32:05,762
they managed to crawl away
from the wreck
543
00:32:05,882 --> 00:32:07,304
before the gas tank exploded.
544
00:32:07,426 --> 00:32:09,645
Why is that woman
partially disrobed?
545
00:32:09,761 --> 00:32:12,264
Was it the impact of the crash
that did that?
546
00:32:12,389 --> 00:32:14,016
My skirt was wet.
547
00:32:14,141 --> 00:32:19,113
That witch over there didn't
want me to stain the upholstery.
548
00:32:19,229 --> 00:32:22,699
I should have had you leave
the dress on.
549
00:32:22,816 --> 00:32:25,615
A wet stain is better
than a smelly brown one.
550
00:32:25,735 --> 00:32:27,203
Now, cut it out, you two.
551
00:32:27,320 --> 00:32:29,243
There's no more upholstery,
period.
552
00:32:29,364 --> 00:32:32,083
Yeah, that car ain't nothing
but a smoldering wreck.
553
00:32:32,200 --> 00:32:33,747
Instead of fighting,
554
00:32:33,869 --> 00:32:36,167
you three ought to get down
on your knees
555
00:32:36,288 --> 00:32:37,756
and thank the God Almighty.
556
00:32:37,873 --> 00:32:39,216
Listen, sister.
557
00:32:39,332 --> 00:32:42,131
I get down on my knees
for only one thing,
558
00:32:42,252 --> 00:32:44,380
and it's the men who thank
the Almighty I'm doing it.
559
00:32:44,504 --> 00:32:45,471
Whoo!
560
00:32:45,589 --> 00:32:48,388
She's a sassy one, ain't she?
561
00:32:48,508 --> 00:32:50,681
Your zipper's open, young man.
562
00:32:50,802 --> 00:32:51,974
Mnh, sorry.
563
00:32:52,095 --> 00:32:54,097
Fresh mouth over there
wasn't satisfied
564
00:32:54,222 --> 00:32:55,974
with handling her stick shift.
565
00:32:56,099 --> 00:32:59,273
It wasn't my fault
the goddamn crash happened.
566
00:32:59,394 --> 00:33:01,237
Angel puss over there
was to blame.
567
00:33:01,354 --> 00:33:03,322
And for good reason,
to shut you up!
568
00:33:03,440 --> 00:33:05,408
Well, you shut me up this time,
baby,
569
00:33:05,525 --> 00:33:08,199
but maybe next time
you won't be so lucky.
570
00:33:08,320 --> 00:33:11,369
Hush, you two.
You'll wake the dead.
571
00:33:11,490 --> 00:33:14,118
You leave my husband
out of this.
572
00:33:14,242 --> 00:33:16,040
My husband was a decent man.
573
00:33:16,161 --> 00:33:17,879
Who is this woman?
574
00:33:17,996 --> 00:33:20,044
She's, um, Mrs...uh...
575
00:33:20,165 --> 00:33:24,090
My name is Mrs. Gert Hammond.
576
00:33:24,211 --> 00:33:27,181
Welcome to Prairie Blossom,
577
00:33:27,297 --> 00:33:29,299
the name my husband and I chose
578
00:33:29,424 --> 00:33:31,301
for the estate
you are now standing on.
579
00:33:31,426 --> 00:33:33,178
Lady...
580
00:33:33,303 --> 00:33:37,854
Why don't you just cut the crap
and get me something to drink?
581
00:33:37,974 --> 00:33:40,068
Please forgive my manners.
582
00:33:40,185 --> 00:33:43,735
It's been so long
since I've entertained.
583
00:33:43,855 --> 00:33:47,985
Well, you're doing pretty good
in that shorty kimono, miss.
584
00:33:48,109 --> 00:33:50,703
it's Mrs.
585
00:33:50,820 --> 00:33:52,697
Mrs. Hammond is a widow.
586
00:33:52,822 --> 00:33:56,201
Her husband is buried
in the wine cellar.
587
00:33:56,326 --> 00:33:57,953
Oh, really?
588
00:33:58,078 --> 00:33:59,796
Well, then why don't you just
forget about those drinks.
589
00:33:59,913 --> 00:34:01,790
Afraid of the dead, Roo?
590
00:34:01,915 --> 00:34:03,588
No, I just don't like things
591
00:34:03,708 --> 00:34:06,837
that lie on their backs all
the time without turning over.
592
00:34:06,962 --> 00:34:09,056
I couldn't agree with you more.
593
00:34:09,172 --> 00:34:11,425
Not me.
I always sleep on my back.
594
00:34:11,550 --> 00:34:12,972
And why is that?
595
00:34:13,093 --> 00:34:16,768
'Cause in the back,
everything lies down flat.
596
00:34:16,888 --> 00:34:18,310
Nothing pokes up.
597
00:34:18,431 --> 00:34:21,150
There's nothing flat
about your back.
598
00:34:21,268 --> 00:34:23,066
In fact,
it's damn nice and round.
599
00:34:23,186 --> 00:34:25,405
If you're so
accustomed to eyeing buttocks,
600
00:34:25,522 --> 00:34:27,650
what's keeping you
from straining your peepers
601
00:34:27,774 --> 00:34:29,742
on this bottomless broad
over here?
602
00:34:29,859 --> 00:34:31,361
I'm not a broad!
603
00:34:31,486 --> 00:34:34,114
I resent that male chauvinist
slur to my femininity.
604
00:34:34,239 --> 00:34:35,866
You shut up!
Shut your fat mouth,
605
00:34:35,991 --> 00:34:38,210
and quit talking like the ghost
of my dead wife!
606
00:34:38,326 --> 00:34:40,795
Chandler, your wife's dead!
She's dead!
607
00:34:40,912 --> 00:34:42,664
Yeah, but not forgotten.
608
00:34:42,789 --> 00:34:44,132
No.
609
00:34:44,249 --> 00:34:46,297
Women like her
that won't let me forget.
610
00:34:46,418 --> 00:34:48,591
You want to know how she died,
the stupid fool?!
611
00:34:48,712 --> 00:34:50,464
Let go of my throat!
612
00:34:50,589 --> 00:34:52,683
Stop that childish nonsense
this instant!
613
00:34:52,799 --> 00:34:55,302
She died at a garden party
one afternoon.
614
00:34:55,427 --> 00:34:57,020
She took her girdle off,
615
00:34:57,137 --> 00:34:58,889
and she held a match to it
as a sign of her liberation.
616
00:34:59,014 --> 00:35:01,233
Chandler, let go of her throat!
617
00:35:01,349 --> 00:35:04,728
Yeah, but what she didn't know
is that the girdle was flammable
618
00:35:04,853 --> 00:35:06,526
and blow up in her goddamn face!
619
00:35:06,646 --> 00:35:07,863
Stop it!
620
00:35:07,981 --> 00:35:10,234
-I'm gonna be sick!
-Oh, not again.
621
00:35:10,358 --> 00:35:11,905
It blew up right in her face,
622
00:35:12,027 --> 00:35:14,871
and her head was covered
with flaming liquid rubber.
623
00:35:14,988 --> 00:35:17,116
God have mercy.
624
00:35:17,240 --> 00:35:20,870
Cheesy cow,
you almost strangled me.
625
00:35:22,787 --> 00:35:26,007
Everyone at the garden party
started screaming.
626
00:35:26,124 --> 00:35:30,595
Then they threw their drinks
on her to douse out the flames.
627
00:35:30,712 --> 00:35:33,135
Only, they forgot it was alcohol
they were drinking.
628
00:35:33,256 --> 00:35:35,429
Oh, my dear God.
629
00:35:35,550 --> 00:35:38,679
The horror of the moment
was so great,
630
00:35:38,803 --> 00:35:40,430
to all extents and purposes,
631
00:35:40,555 --> 00:35:41,772
we were just staring
632
00:35:41,890 --> 00:35:44,143
at this flaming,
screaming Scarecrow
633
00:35:44,267 --> 00:35:47,066
running across the green lawn
in a panic.
634
00:35:53,860 --> 00:35:57,034
And we all started laughing.
635
00:35:58,406 --> 00:36:03,333
I laughed so hard that tears
were running down my cheeks.
636
00:36:06,247 --> 00:36:11,925
We all roared hysterically until
there was this hideous hiss.
637
00:36:12,045 --> 00:36:15,515
And then a white column of steam
that boiled skyward
638
00:36:15,632 --> 00:36:18,556
from the swimming pool
where she fell in.
639
00:36:21,680 --> 00:36:25,480
Then there was silence.
640
00:36:27,811 --> 00:36:29,154
Dead silence.
641
00:36:29,270 --> 00:36:31,898
I'm sorry.
642
00:36:32,023 --> 00:36:35,368
I didn't know that your wife
was Sarah Lou Phillips,
643
00:36:35,485 --> 00:36:37,453
the daughter of Leland Phillips,
644
00:36:37,570 --> 00:36:39,868
creator of House of Phillips
Unlimited.
645
00:36:39,989 --> 00:36:41,616
In Waco, Texas.
646
00:36:41,741 --> 00:36:45,791
Well, I didn't realize that
I'd married into such notoriety.
647
00:36:45,912 --> 00:36:48,961
To us,
the women of North America,
648
00:36:49,082 --> 00:36:51,961
your wife was a martyred saint.
649
00:36:52,085 --> 00:36:55,840
She was a stupid idiot,
a sick nitwit.
650
00:36:55,964 --> 00:36:58,888
You wanted to hear about our
love life, didn't you, Bond?
651
00:36:59,008 --> 00:37:01,511
Well, I'm gonna tell you
all the filthy details.
652
00:37:01,636 --> 00:37:03,980
I'm gonna tell you right here
and right now.
653
00:37:04,097 --> 00:37:06,475
Shut up, Chandler. This isn't
the time or the place.
654
00:37:06,599 --> 00:37:09,443
No.
No, it wouldn't be for you!
655
00:37:09,561 --> 00:37:11,734
You'd rather I told you
at midnight
656
00:37:11,855 --> 00:37:14,654
behind the trash cans
at a Greyhound bus depot.
657
00:37:14,774 --> 00:37:18,870
You cheap, rotten hustler.
658
00:37:25,160 --> 00:37:27,128
You brute!
659
00:37:27,245 --> 00:37:28,872
I'm sorry, Chandler,
660
00:37:28,997 --> 00:37:31,671
but you tried to cheapen me
in front of all these people
661
00:37:31,791 --> 00:37:34,385
by suggesting that I'd sell
my body to you for money!
662
00:37:34,502 --> 00:37:35,970
And that's an outright lie!
663
00:37:36,087 --> 00:37:39,808
When I give my body,
it's like a gift from God
664
00:37:39,924 --> 00:37:41,972
without any monteary reward.
665
00:37:42,093 --> 00:37:43,094
"Monetary."
666
00:37:43,219 --> 00:37:44,436
That's what I said.
667
00:37:44,554 --> 00:37:45,897
It's like a gift from God
668
00:37:46,014 --> 00:37:48,108
without any kind
of monetary reward.
669
00:37:48,224 --> 00:37:49,601
Amen.
670
00:37:50,185 --> 00:37:52,688
Well, tell me, O divined one,
671
00:37:52,812 --> 00:37:56,737
can I light a candle
at your altar sometime
672
00:37:56,858 --> 00:38:00,203
and pray that you will bestow
your blessings on me some night?
673
00:38:00,320 --> 00:38:01,663
Who are you kidding?
674
00:38:01,780 --> 00:38:06,206
Everyone is welcome
at Prairie Blossom.
675
00:38:06,326 --> 00:38:10,251
Come, take off your wet clothes
676
00:38:10,371 --> 00:38:14,296
and get into something
dry and warm.
677
00:38:14,417 --> 00:38:20,800
You are welcome to don
the apparel hanging before you.
678
00:38:28,181 --> 00:38:32,561
To your right,
you'll find the clothing
679
00:38:32,685 --> 00:38:35,655
that adorned me in my youth.
680
00:38:35,772 --> 00:38:41,996
To your left, there hang the
garments of my deceased husband.
681
00:38:42,111 --> 00:38:49,245
They hang there in the exact
condition in which he left them.
682
00:38:49,369 --> 00:38:55,422
For your convenience
and privacy while changing,
683
00:38:55,542 --> 00:39:03,427
may I suggest that you use the
far bedroom down that hallway?
684
00:39:03,550 --> 00:39:06,850
And now that you have
your instructions,
685
00:39:06,970 --> 00:39:11,100
may I wish you all
a hearty welcome
686
00:39:11,224 --> 00:39:13,977
for the duration of your stay.
687
00:39:14,102 --> 00:39:16,230
Look, lady.
You're very nice and all that.
688
00:39:16,354 --> 00:39:18,652
But, hell, I don't want to stick
around here.
689
00:39:18,773 --> 00:39:20,366
I don't think
we have much choice.
690
00:39:20,483 --> 00:39:22,781
You notice the level of
the river when we crossed it?
691
00:39:22,902 --> 00:39:25,155
How could we remember
with the accident and all?
692
00:39:25,280 --> 00:39:28,033
Believe me. We were lucky to
make it with the water so high.
693
00:39:28,157 --> 00:39:29,750
Yeah, that's right.
694
00:39:29,868 --> 00:39:32,291
Why, it was all foggy when
I looked out the car window
695
00:39:32,412 --> 00:39:33,959
and seen that swirling water.
696
00:39:34,080 --> 00:39:35,923
I sobered up really quick.
697
00:39:36,040 --> 00:39:37,713
That bridge is gone by now.
698
00:39:37,834 --> 00:39:40,883
And likewise, the bridge
that crosses the Chickasaw.
699
00:39:41,004 --> 00:39:41,721
Uh-huh.
700
00:39:41,838 --> 00:39:43,306
No, my friends.
701
00:39:43,423 --> 00:39:46,802
You must not, you cannot go
into that purgatory
702
00:39:46,926 --> 00:39:49,054
out those front doors.
703
00:39:49,178 --> 00:39:53,524
Please avail yourself
of my hospitality
704
00:39:53,641 --> 00:39:57,396
until the good Lord sees fit
to turn off his faucet.
705
00:39:59,397 --> 00:40:01,445
I will leave you for a while
706
00:40:01,566 --> 00:40:05,537
to prepare some goodies
from the kitchen.
707
00:40:05,653 --> 00:40:14,004
Remember, please, to use that
far bedroom down the hallway.
708
00:40:14,120 --> 00:40:19,092
And please be patient
with one another.
709
00:40:19,208 --> 00:40:23,930
The night is always long
on the prairie.
710
00:40:24,923 --> 00:40:26,800
Thank you, Mrs. Hammond.
711
00:40:26,925 --> 00:40:28,518
On behalf of us all,
712
00:40:28,635 --> 00:40:32,481
may I wish you God's blessings
in your charitable work.
713
00:40:32,597 --> 00:40:36,977
She is a wonderful woman
of vigorous pioneer stock.
714
00:40:37,101 --> 00:40:39,695
She's got some pair of boobs.
I'll say that much!
715
00:40:39,812 --> 00:40:41,860
I think you've said
just about enough.
716
00:40:41,981 --> 00:40:44,109
I bet her butt's seen
a lot of plowing.
717
00:40:44,233 --> 00:40:46,201
Never mind about her,
718
00:40:46,319 --> 00:40:49,539
you and I've got some unfinished
business to take care of later.
719
00:40:49,656 --> 00:40:50,953
Don't hold your breath.
720
00:40:51,074 --> 00:40:53,076
I'd hate to see that nice face
turn blue.
721
00:40:54,035 --> 00:40:55,457
You're gonna get it.
722
00:40:55,578 --> 00:40:57,501
One of these days,
you're gonna get it so big,
723
00:40:57,622 --> 00:41:00,000
it's gonna turn you
black and blue for a week.
724
00:41:00,124 --> 00:41:01,717
I give it, Mack.
725
00:41:01,834 --> 00:41:02,801
I don't take it.
726
00:43:25,603 --> 00:43:26,775
Oh, boy.
727
00:43:34,445 --> 00:43:38,370
Ah.
728
00:43:38,491 --> 00:43:40,243
Ohh.
729
00:43:43,579 --> 00:43:45,252
Oh.
730
00:43:50,628 --> 00:43:54,883
Oh, darn you.
731
00:46:48,597 --> 00:46:50,691
Darn you.
732
00:47:03,946 --> 00:47:05,948
-Come on! Hurry up!
733
00:47:06,073 --> 00:47:08,201
What are you doing,
playing with yourself'?!
734
00:47:23,674 --> 00:47:25,893
I think the person
that decorated this room
735
00:47:26,010 --> 00:47:28,058
had you in mind.
736
00:47:36,437 --> 00:47:38,815
Hmm.
737
00:47:43,027 --> 00:47:45,530
Ugh.
738
00:48:00,503 --> 00:48:03,302
Ooh.
739
00:50:15,721 --> 00:50:18,315
I hear that noise in there, Roo.
740
00:50:18,432 --> 00:50:21,151
Don't be shaving your legs
with an electric razor
741
00:50:21,268 --> 00:50:23,942
when I'm freezing out here
in these wet clothes.
742
00:50:43,749 --> 00:50:47,049
Here, zip me up, will you?
743
00:50:59,557 --> 00:51:02,561
Have fun, baby.
744
00:52:41,283 --> 00:52:42,500
Oh.
745
00:53:36,004 --> 00:53:37,722
Turn around.
746
00:53:37,840 --> 00:53:40,719
Ohh, come on.
747
00:53:40,843 --> 00:53:42,891
Turn around.
748
00:53:48,058 --> 00:53:50,481
Ohh.
749
00:53:50,602 --> 00:53:53,321
Oh, my God.
750
00:53:53,439 --> 00:53:55,862
Oh, that's a big one.
751
00:54:52,247 --> 00:54:53,624
Oh, boy.
752
00:56:37,269 --> 00:56:38,737
Ohh.
753
00:56:56,246 --> 00:56:59,876
I heard this was the melon
season, and now I believe it.
754
00:57:00,000 --> 00:57:03,425
Melons have seeds and I don't.
755
00:57:03,545 --> 00:57:04,671
Not even after that encounter
756
00:57:04,796 --> 00:57:06,264
with Johnny Appleseed
over there?
757
00:57:06,381 --> 00:57:09,510
Gyrate, buster.
758
00:57:16,892 --> 00:57:19,611
Wow!
Would you get a load of this?
759
00:57:19,728 --> 00:57:23,153
Who would have thought that old
bugger was into graphic art?
760
00:57:23,273 --> 00:57:26,197
Yeah, get a load of this stuff.
761
00:57:26,318 --> 00:57:28,320
It's really graphic.
762
00:57:48,215 --> 00:57:50,593
Check this dude out.
763
00:59:09,254 --> 00:59:12,303
Get in there, god damn it!
764
01:00:10,690 --> 01:00:12,283
Oh! Oh!
765
01:00:12,400 --> 01:00:14,573
So, that's your game,
you batty bozo!
766
01:00:15,570 --> 01:00:17,618
You should be ashamed
of yourself,
767
01:00:17,739 --> 01:00:20,583
telling everybody you're
in the kitchen making goodies.
768
01:00:20,700 --> 01:00:23,419
And you ain't doing
nothing of the kind.
769
01:00:23,537 --> 01:00:26,006
In fact, you've got the gall
770
01:00:26,123 --> 01:00:28,751
to hide behind someone
who never lied in his life!
771
01:00:35,090 --> 01:00:37,388
Toydy, it's Mrs. Cassidy.
772
01:00:37,509 --> 01:00:38,852
Are you finished yet?
773
01:00:38,969 --> 01:00:40,767
Yeah, sure.
Come on in.
774
01:00:41,763 --> 01:00:44,516
Don't you ever do that to me
again!
775
01:00:49,688 --> 01:00:52,942
I ain't done nothing to you yet,
lady.
776
01:00:54,317 --> 01:00:56,115
You have no sense
of common decency!
777
01:00:56,236 --> 01:00:58,614
Here's a toothpick for you!
778
01:00:58,738 --> 01:01:01,912
And if it's decency you want,
don't come in this room.
779
01:01:03,410 --> 01:01:05,412
That filthy man.
780
01:01:05,537 --> 01:01:08,131
I'm afraid you've opened
your doors as well as your heart
781
01:01:08,248 --> 01:01:09,465
to the scum of this planet.
782
01:01:09,583 --> 01:01:13,338
Here on spaceship Earth,
there is no scum.
783
01:01:13,461 --> 01:01:16,761
There are just
malfunctioning circuits.
784
01:01:16,882 --> 01:01:19,226
Well, someone's sure
malfunctioning in your bedroom.
785
01:01:19,342 --> 01:01:20,935
That isn't my bedroom.
786
01:01:21,052 --> 01:01:24,602
Well, whose is it,
then, your husband's?
787
01:01:24,723 --> 01:01:28,227
It was our son's bedroom.
788
01:01:28,351 --> 01:01:29,773
Was?
789
01:01:29,895 --> 01:01:32,273
You mean he's gone, moved away?
790
01:01:32,397 --> 01:01:33,944
No.
791
01:01:34,065 --> 01:01:36,818
Well, where is he, then?
792
01:01:36,943 --> 01:01:40,789
My son -- Our son
793
01:01:40,906 --> 01:01:42,533
no longer exists.
794
01:01:42,657 --> 01:01:45,331
Oh, Mrs. Hammond.
795
01:01:45,452 --> 01:01:46,624
I'm really sorry.
796
01:01:46,745 --> 01:01:50,340
I didn't realize that tragedy
had struck you twice.
797
01:01:50,457 --> 01:01:51,674
Is he dead, then?
798
01:01:51,791 --> 01:01:53,338
No.
799
01:01:53,460 --> 01:01:56,384
He does not exist.
800
01:01:56,504 --> 01:01:59,257
Well, I'm afraid I
don't understand what you mean,
801
01:01:59,382 --> 01:02:02,306
but I certainly
wouldn't be callous enough
802
01:02:02,427 --> 01:02:04,054
to dwell on the subject.
803
01:02:04,179 --> 01:02:06,557
May I have something to eat?
804
01:02:06,681 --> 01:02:08,524
By all means.
805
01:02:08,642 --> 01:02:10,690
Help yourself.
806
01:02:10,810 --> 01:02:13,609
This looks refreshing.
807
01:02:15,106 --> 01:02:17,529
Oh, it's a cucumber.
808
01:02:17,651 --> 01:02:20,575
Are you in the habit of peeling
your cucumbers in advance?
809
01:02:20,695 --> 01:02:24,745
Yes, it ages the flavor.
810
01:02:24,866 --> 01:02:26,243
It certainly does.
811
01:02:26,368 --> 01:02:28,166
Boy, does this taste odd.
812
01:02:28,286 --> 01:02:30,380
Eat up.
813
01:02:30,497 --> 01:02:34,252
You'll soon acquire a taste
for it.
814
01:02:34,376 --> 01:02:36,799
I'd like for you to.
815
01:02:36,920 --> 01:02:40,925
It would make for a much closer
friendship between us.
816
01:02:41,049 --> 01:02:42,972
I'm afraid I can't finish it.
817
01:02:43,093 --> 01:02:44,936
Would you like to share it?
818
01:02:45,053 --> 01:02:47,897
No, I've already had it.
Thank you.
819
01:02:48,014 --> 01:02:51,188
Do you mind if I throw it away?
820
01:02:51,309 --> 01:02:53,186
Not at all, my dear.
821
01:02:53,311 --> 01:02:56,064
Most things of that nature
are disposable.
822
01:02:56,189 --> 01:02:59,784
Just throw it in that bag
under the sink.
823
01:02:59,901 --> 01:03:01,403
Why, Mrs. Hammond.
824
01:03:01,528 --> 01:03:04,998
You've got a whole pile of them
in here.
825
01:03:05,865 --> 01:03:08,539
Call me Gert, Willene.
826
01:03:08,660 --> 01:03:13,507
I feel that you've gotten to
know me more intimately.
827
01:03:13,623 --> 01:03:15,000
Yes.
828
01:03:15,125 --> 01:03:18,755
Those cucumbers
did not age properly enough
829
01:03:18,878 --> 01:03:21,427
to suit my hungry lips.
830
01:03:21,548 --> 01:03:23,801
So I had to get rid of them.
831
01:03:23,925 --> 01:03:24,847
Oh.
832
01:03:24,968 --> 01:03:27,721
The smell is really terrible.
833
01:03:27,846 --> 01:03:29,473
I'll take out the trash
834
01:03:29,597 --> 01:03:32,441
if you pick up
that thing in the hallway.
835
01:03:32,559 --> 01:03:34,436
What thing in the hallway?
836
01:03:34,561 --> 01:03:37,235
Well,
it looks like a banana slug,
837
01:03:37,355 --> 01:03:39,323
but don't let that fool ya.
838
01:03:39,441 --> 01:03:41,114
Banana slugs wiggle,
839
01:03:41,234 --> 01:03:44,454
and the only thing wiggling at
the end of that thing was Toydy.
840
01:03:44,571 --> 01:03:47,620
He's quite a man, isn't he?
841
01:03:47,741 --> 01:03:49,789
Well, part of him is a man.
842
01:03:49,909 --> 01:03:52,128
The other part,
I'm not too sure about.
843
01:03:52,245 --> 01:03:57,502
The coin of sexuality
always has two faces.
844
01:03:57,625 --> 01:04:00,754
That's what my son
always used to say.
845
01:04:00,879 --> 01:04:04,179
Are those your son's toys
in the bedroom?
846
01:04:04,299 --> 01:04:09,396
My son was rather grown up
for a boy of 16.
847
01:04:09,512 --> 01:04:13,983
That's when he started to order
those divertissements
848
01:04:14,100 --> 01:04:16,603
through the mail.
849
01:04:16,728 --> 01:04:21,484
They always came
in a plain brown wrapper.
850
01:04:21,608 --> 01:04:23,406
And every morning,
851
01:04:23,526 --> 01:04:28,123
I'd bring them in along
with his breakfast tray.
852
01:04:28,239 --> 01:04:31,209
He was strictly forbidden
to open them
853
01:04:31,326 --> 01:04:35,672
until he had eaten
all of his breakfast.
854
01:04:36,664 --> 01:04:38,883
There was usually prune juice.
855
01:04:39,000 --> 01:04:40,593
Why prune juice?
856
01:04:40,710 --> 01:04:46,262
Gerald always wanted his system
cleaned out regularly.
857
01:04:46,383 --> 01:04:49,432
Well, I can see why,
after that thing in the hallway.
858
01:04:49,552 --> 01:04:52,476
Who'd want to keep washing
their toys all the time?
859
01:04:52,597 --> 01:04:54,349
And after the prune juice,
860
01:04:54,474 --> 01:05:01,028
there'd be two eggs sunny side
up and four sausage links.
861
01:05:01,147 --> 01:05:03,070
And after the sausage,
862
01:05:03,191 --> 01:05:06,946
there'd be three pieces
of buttered toast,
863
01:05:07,070 --> 01:05:11,200
along with a steaming hot
cup of coffee.
864
01:05:11,324 --> 01:05:15,079
I bet he'd take plenty of cream
in his coffee.
865
01:05:15,203 --> 01:05:16,796
My son loved cream.
866
01:05:16,913 --> 01:05:19,291
He licked it up like a cat.
867
01:05:19,416 --> 01:05:21,669
But a cat has nine lives,
868
01:05:21,793 --> 01:05:25,764
and your son unfortunately had
only one.
869
01:05:25,880 --> 01:05:28,383
So, now he joins your husband
in death.
870
01:05:28,508 --> 01:05:31,352
My husband is dead.
871
01:05:31,469 --> 01:05:35,474
My son is no more.
872
01:05:35,598 --> 01:05:40,650
He no longer exists.
873
01:05:41,146 --> 01:05:43,490
Come, Willene.
874
01:05:43,606 --> 01:05:45,950
Shall we prepare a little dinner
for our guests?
875
01:05:47,110 --> 01:05:48,953
Damn it, I need a drink!
876
01:05:49,070 --> 01:05:51,744
The wine is in the cellar!
877
01:05:51,865 --> 01:05:53,242
Please help yourselves
878
01:05:53,366 --> 01:05:56,119
to whatever vintage
the occasion calls for.
879
01:05:56,244 --> 01:05:58,872
Go ahead, Roo.
Go get us some wine.
880
01:05:58,997 --> 01:06:02,422
I ain't going down there
with no dead man lying around.
881
01:06:02,542 --> 01:06:05,295
I'll go get the wine
if Bond comes with me.
882
01:06:05,420 --> 01:06:08,799
I don't like cellars, Chandler.
They smell funny.
883
01:06:08,923 --> 01:06:11,767
Do they smell fishy?
Is that what it is?
884
01:06:11,885 --> 01:06:13,979
Well, hell, kid, with Chandler,
885
01:06:14,095 --> 01:06:18,020
it's not gonna smell fishy,
just strong and musky.
886
01:06:18,141 --> 01:06:21,736
Mrs. Hammond, is there a light
down in the basement?
887
01:06:21,853 --> 01:06:25,949
No, but there's a large
flashlight over by the window.
888
01:06:26,065 --> 01:06:27,533
Well, that's real good.
889
01:06:27,650 --> 01:06:30,199
In case you can't get it up,
Chandler,
890
01:06:30,320 --> 01:06:32,743
you got something
to fall back on.
891
01:06:37,327 --> 01:06:39,170
What's going on?
892
01:06:39,287 --> 01:06:40,038
Stop it!
893
01:06:40,163 --> 01:06:41,506
Stop it, you two!
894
01:06:43,208 --> 01:06:45,256
You're nothing
but a troublemaker.
895
01:06:45,376 --> 01:06:47,845
I don't make trouble.
I just make whoopee.
896
01:06:47,962 --> 01:06:49,134
You make me sick!
897
01:06:49,255 --> 01:06:51,474
You make me sick!
That's what you make me!
898
01:06:51,591 --> 01:06:53,218
When I put the make on you,
Chandler,
899
01:06:53,343 --> 01:06:55,141
you may choke and gag a little,
900
01:06:55,261 --> 01:06:56,729
but you're not gonna feel sick.
901
01:06:56,846 --> 01:06:58,564
Who do you think
you're talking to,
902
01:06:58,681 --> 01:07:00,775
one of those life-size dolls
in the bedroom?
903
01:07:00,892 --> 01:07:04,146
No. Their mouths are operated
on air power.
904
01:07:04,270 --> 01:07:05,613
His operates on lust.
905
01:07:07,315 --> 01:07:09,192
That's what you can expect
from my mouth, Toydy.
906
01:07:09,317 --> 01:07:11,490
Save that spit
for Bond's flashlight.
907
01:07:11,611 --> 01:07:14,660
By the look of the bulge in
his pants, you're gonna need it.
908
01:07:14,781 --> 01:07:15,657
My God!
909
01:07:15,782 --> 01:07:17,375
Back there in the kitchen,
910
01:07:17,492 --> 01:07:19,085
it sounded like a tornado
911
01:07:19,202 --> 01:07:21,625
had decided to join
our little party.
912
01:07:21,746 --> 01:07:24,841
Sorry about the lamp.
913
01:07:24,958 --> 01:07:27,211
Look, I'll give you 6 bucks
for it.
914
01:07:27,335 --> 01:07:28,552
Will that be enough?
915
01:07:28,670 --> 01:07:30,798
I don't want your money.
916
01:07:30,922 --> 01:07:36,395
You people have lit up my life
more brightly
917
01:07:36,511 --> 01:07:39,890
than that lamp
could ever have done.
918
01:07:40,014 --> 01:07:43,609
And if you'll just wait
15 minutes,
919
01:07:43,726 --> 01:07:46,650
Willene and I will prepare you
920
01:07:46,771 --> 01:07:50,742
a tangible example
of my gratefulness.
921
01:07:50,858 --> 01:07:52,235
Come, Willene.
922
01:07:52,360 --> 01:07:56,115
The pots and pans are waiting.
923
01:07:56,239 --> 01:07:57,786
I hope
she wasn't referring to us.
924
01:08:06,457 --> 01:08:08,551
Here.
925
01:08:10,920 --> 01:08:12,388
Give me that flashlight.
926
01:08:12,505 --> 01:08:13,597
You've got your hands full.
927
01:08:13,715 --> 01:08:15,843
Full of the wrong stuff.
928
01:08:15,967 --> 01:08:17,184
What do you mean?
929
01:08:17,302 --> 01:08:21,808
I'd rather have them wrapped
around you.
930
01:08:21,931 --> 01:08:23,478
What brought that on?
931
01:08:23,600 --> 01:08:27,525
The way you handled yourself
in that room back there.
932
01:08:27,645 --> 01:08:30,649
How do you know what I was doing
in the bedroom?
933
01:08:30,773 --> 01:08:33,117
I don't mean the bedroom.
934
01:08:33,234 --> 01:08:35,862
I mean the way you acted
in the living room.
935
01:08:35,987 --> 01:08:38,035
Oh, that.
936
01:08:38,156 --> 01:08:40,534
Well, he had it coming.
937
01:08:40,658 --> 01:08:43,377
I don't mean
just the rough stuff.
938
01:08:43,494 --> 01:08:46,748
I mean the thoughtfulness
and the tenderness
939
01:08:46,873 --> 01:08:49,672
that you exhibited
to Mrs. Hammond.
940
01:08:51,002 --> 01:08:53,175
What, you mean the $6?
941
01:08:53,296 --> 01:08:55,390
Well, I was willing
to give it to her,
942
01:08:55,506 --> 01:08:57,008
but she just wouldn't take it.
943
01:08:57,133 --> 01:09:01,229
You won't find
that problem with me.
944
01:09:01,346 --> 01:09:03,519
Huh.
945
01:09:03,640 --> 01:09:06,484
What do you want, $6?
946
01:09:06,601 --> 01:09:09,821
$6, plus interest.
947
01:09:10,605 --> 01:09:14,200
And what's the interest?
948
01:09:14,317 --> 01:09:20,700
To put it bluntly,
my interest in your body.
949
01:09:20,823 --> 01:09:22,951
Not my thoughtfulness
and tenderness,
950
01:09:23,076 --> 01:09:25,124
just my body?
951
01:09:25,244 --> 01:09:29,215
I'm playing by the rules
of your own game, Chandler.
952
01:09:29,332 --> 01:09:30,754
I want you to get excited
about me
953
01:09:30,875 --> 01:09:33,503
the same way that you would
towards your friend Bond.
954
01:09:33,628 --> 01:09:36,051
He's not my friend.
955
01:09:36,172 --> 01:09:39,676
I picked him up when it was dark
and he was alone.
956
01:09:41,386 --> 01:09:43,935
Like we are here?
957
01:09:44,055 --> 01:09:45,557
We're not alone here.
958
01:09:45,682 --> 01:09:49,061
You're forgetting
about Mrs. Hammond's husband.
959
01:09:49,185 --> 01:09:50,437
He doesn't count.
960
01:09:50,561 --> 01:09:52,905
He's lifeless and limp.
961
01:09:53,022 --> 01:09:54,865
Well, I'm afraid
there's something else
962
01:09:54,982 --> 01:09:56,450
that you'll find
in the same condition.
963
01:09:56,567 --> 01:10:00,492
So, don't be getting
your hopes up too high.
964
01:10:00,613 --> 01:10:03,287
I don't want to get
my hopes up high.
965
01:10:03,408 --> 01:10:07,003
It's your 'something else'
I'm trying to raise.
966
01:10:07,120 --> 01:10:11,091
Well, knowing the way that I am,
good luck.
967
01:10:11,207 --> 01:10:12,834
Luck is supposed to be a lady,
968
01:10:12,959 --> 01:10:15,428
so that cuts the odds down
just a bit.
969
01:10:15,545 --> 01:10:20,301
Just a very little bit,
I'm afraid.
970
01:10:23,344 --> 01:10:26,097
I forgot to ask whether
she was serving meat or fish.
971
01:10:26,222 --> 01:10:28,224
This would be great with meat.
972
01:10:28,349 --> 01:10:33,025
Well, save it for down here
because I want meat.
973
01:10:35,356 --> 01:10:37,700
What are you wearing?
974
01:10:37,817 --> 01:10:39,069
Aren't those Bond's clothes?
975
01:10:39,193 --> 01:10:41,821
Yes, they are.
976
01:10:41,946 --> 01:10:44,324
What's that thing pressed
into your pants?
977
01:10:44,449 --> 01:10:48,579
Something I picked up
in the bedroom.
978
01:10:48,703 --> 01:10:53,049
Look at me, Chandler,
just for tonight.
979
01:10:53,166 --> 01:10:55,919
In dim lighting, I'm Bond.
980
01:10:56,043 --> 01:10:59,968
And this cellar
is the bus depot.
981
01:11:00,089 --> 01:11:04,014
Come on.
You can have me for $6.
982
01:11:07,054 --> 01:11:08,647
You were right.
983
01:11:08,765 --> 01:11:10,563
About what?
984
01:11:10,683 --> 01:11:12,276
Luck is a lady.
985
01:11:12,393 --> 01:11:16,443
Not tonight, she isn't.
986
01:11:19,192 --> 01:11:21,695
Where do you want me, Mack?
987
01:11:21,819 --> 01:11:27,167
Just get down on the table
and pull your trousers down.
988
01:11:30,328 --> 01:11:31,830
Make that louder!
989
01:11:31,954 --> 01:11:35,629
That's my husbands new song
on the radio.
990
01:11:35,750 --> 01:11:37,718
I I can tell you,
'cause I heard it today J'
991
01:11:37,835 --> 01:11:39,212
He just cut that record.
992
01:11:39,337 --> 01:11:41,556
Well, good for him.
993
01:11:41,672 --> 01:11:46,303
I'm more interested in somebody
who can cut the mustard.
994
01:11:46,427 --> 01:11:50,227
You looking for a frankfurter
to go along with that mustard?
995
01:11:51,849 --> 01:11:54,898
Sure am, but I've come equipped
with my own
996
01:11:55,019 --> 01:11:56,862
if it turns out
you aren't kosher.
997
01:11:56,979 --> 01:11:58,652
My frankfurter don't care
998
01:11:58,773 --> 01:12:00,901
whether your buns
are large or small.
999
01:12:01,025 --> 01:12:04,074
It ain't fussy.
1000
01:12:04,195 --> 01:12:04,991
J' Honest to God J'
1001
01:12:05,112 --> 01:12:08,241
J' That's the lyrics
to "A Lovebird's Song" J'
1002
01:12:08,366 --> 01:12:09,913
Hey, what's your name?
1003
01:12:10,034 --> 01:12:12,913
It's Willene.
Mrs. Willene Cassidy.
1004
01:12:13,037 --> 01:12:16,291
And that's my husband Simon's
record on the radio.
1005
01:12:16,415 --> 01:12:19,134
You got any idea what's inside
this locked door?
1006
01:12:19,252 --> 01:12:21,880
I know it's gonna be a hit.
1007
01:12:22,004 --> 01:12:23,221
I just know it.
1008
01:13:13,973 --> 01:13:16,601
How many hours you been waiting
at this depot?
1009
01:13:16,726 --> 01:13:18,569
Three.
1010
01:13:18,686 --> 01:13:20,814
What bus am I taking?
1011
01:13:20,938 --> 01:13:24,067
10:25 to Houston.
1012
01:13:41,417 --> 01:13:43,761
Is it the Silver Eagle Service?
1013
01:13:43,878 --> 01:13:47,052
Yeah. You even get a hostess
on board.
1014
01:13:47,173 --> 01:13:49,426
With a big lavatory
and a mirror?
1015
01:13:49,550 --> 01:13:52,929
A real big mirror.
1016
01:13:56,974 --> 01:13:58,396
You know what time it is now?
1017
01:13:58,517 --> 01:14:00,235
No! No!
1018
01:14:00,353 --> 01:14:02,651
Ll:'s 1 0225!
1019
01:14:02,772 --> 01:14:04,319
It's coming in fast.
1020
01:14:04,440 --> 01:14:05,407
No!
1021
01:14:05,524 --> 01:14:06,992
Here it comes!
1022
01:14:07,109 --> 01:14:09,237
Oh, God! No!
1023
01:14:09,362 --> 01:14:10,989
So soon!
1024
01:14:11,113 --> 01:14:14,834
My watch says it's 10:24.
1025
01:14:17,995 --> 01:14:20,874
It's ahead of schedule,
and it's coming in fast.
1026
01:14:20,998 --> 01:14:22,500
Here it comes!
1027
01:15:08,546 --> 01:15:11,299
Has anybody ever told you
1028
01:15:11,424 --> 01:15:16,271
you have a nice body
for a woman so mature?
1029
01:15:16,387 --> 01:15:19,015
Why, yes, young man.
1030
01:15:19,140 --> 01:15:23,441
My husband, Charlie, used to
compliment me on my torso.
1031
01:15:23,561 --> 01:15:28,692
He said it reminded him
of a classical Greek sculpture.
1032
01:15:28,816 --> 01:15:33,788
You do remind me of something
Greek, but it ain't sculpture.
1033
01:15:33,904 --> 01:15:35,156
Sculpture's too cold.
1034
01:15:35,281 --> 01:15:39,878
You remind me more
of a nice juicy piece
1035
01:15:39,994 --> 01:15:41,871
of shish kebab meat.
1036
01:15:41,996 --> 01:15:44,715
Flattery will get you nowhere.
1037
01:15:44,832 --> 01:15:46,834
Would you like me to turn you
1038
01:15:46,959 --> 01:15:49,428
into a piece
of shish kebab meat?
1039
01:15:49,545 --> 01:15:52,594
And how are you
going to do that?
1040
01:15:52,715 --> 01:15:55,309
It's real simple.
1041
01:15:55,426 --> 01:15:58,270
There's the oven,
and here is the meat.
1042
01:15:58,387 --> 01:16:04,144
Now all we need is a long,
hard rod to run you through.
1043
01:16:04,268 --> 01:16:06,521
What about the vegetables?
1044
01:16:06,645 --> 01:16:09,023
Oh.
1045
01:16:09,148 --> 01:16:10,400
Your head.
1046
01:16:10,524 --> 01:16:13,027
Your head's a cabbage.
1047
01:16:14,695 --> 01:16:17,118
What about the potatoes?
1048
01:16:17,239 --> 01:16:18,912
Don't forget the potatoes.
1049
01:16:19,033 --> 01:16:24,415
Ahh, here they are.
Two lumpy 10-pound bags.
1050
01:16:24,538 --> 01:16:26,791
You're very cruel.
1051
01:16:26,916 --> 01:16:29,510
I should pull away.
1052
01:16:29,627 --> 01:16:30,628
But I can't.
1053
01:16:30,753 --> 01:16:32,221
Why not?
1054
01:16:34,757 --> 01:16:38,387
Because I would fall
into the oven
1055
01:16:38,511 --> 01:16:42,141
like the witch
in "Hansel and Gretel."
1056
01:16:42,264 --> 01:16:46,144
That would leave you alone
in this gingerbread house
1057
01:16:46,268 --> 01:16:49,989
to eat all the cookies
and peppermint sticks.
1058
01:16:50,106 --> 01:16:53,076
And what's wrong with that?
1059
01:16:53,192 --> 01:16:55,411
You would get sick.
1060
01:16:55,528 --> 01:16:59,704
And no one would be around
to give you an enema.
1061
01:16:59,824 --> 01:17:01,451
You like giving enemas?
1062
01:17:01,575 --> 01:17:05,625
My son Gerald liked them.
1063
01:17:05,746 --> 01:17:09,296
I bet it was a nice,
fire-engine-red enema bag.
1064
01:17:09,416 --> 01:17:12,010
I didn't use an enema bag.
1065
01:17:12,128 --> 01:17:14,597
My son Gerald always requested
1066
01:17:14,713 --> 01:17:18,217
that I hook up a heavy garden
hose to the kitchen faucet.
1067
01:17:18,342 --> 01:17:20,595
He was used to bigger things,
wasn't he?
1068
01:17:20,719 --> 01:17:23,893
My son was big for his age.
1069
01:17:24,014 --> 01:17:28,611
He was to be doomed
with bigness.
1070
01:17:28,727 --> 01:17:32,231
Are you ready for the rod,
Miss Shish Kebab?
1071
01:17:32,356 --> 01:17:33,778
Oh, yes.
1072
01:17:33,899 --> 01:17:36,027
Hurry, please.
1073
01:17:36,152 --> 01:17:38,405
It's getting so hot
by this oven.
1074
01:17:38,529 --> 01:17:42,454
Hand me that tin of
grease on the stove over there.
1075
01:17:46,036 --> 01:17:47,253
What is it?
1076
01:17:47,371 --> 01:17:49,123
It's bacon fat.
1077
01:17:50,875 --> 01:17:53,048
I bet when you fart,
it's gonna sound like a pig.
1078
01:17:53,169 --> 01:17:54,921
Oink! Oink!
1079
01:17:55,045 --> 01:17:58,094
Have you no respect for me?
1080
01:17:58,215 --> 01:18:02,015
No. None at all.
1081
01:18:02,136 --> 01:18:05,481
That would ruin the whole thing.
1082
01:18:05,598 --> 01:18:09,819
What is it that you
and your generation are seeking?
1083
01:18:09,935 --> 01:18:12,438
I don't know
about my generation,
1084
01:18:12,563 --> 01:18:14,236
but I would like to know
1085
01:18:14,356 --> 01:18:18,987
what you have
behind that locked door.
1086
01:18:19,111 --> 01:18:23,036
There's too much talk
in this kitchen
1087
01:18:23,157 --> 01:18:26,081
and not enough action.
1088
01:18:26,202 --> 01:18:30,582
Start cooking me now, honey,
before I go rotten.
1089
01:18:30,706 --> 01:18:34,961
Sorry. No deal, baby.
1090
01:18:36,420 --> 01:18:40,141
Not until you give me
those keys.
1091
01:18:40,257 --> 01:18:46,105
You are a slimy,
slippery reptile!
1092
01:18:46,222 --> 01:18:48,941
Don't you be calling me
slimy and slippery
1093
01:18:49,058 --> 01:18:52,232
with all that bacon fat oozing
down your thighs.
1094
01:18:55,564 --> 01:19:01,697
You have degraded
my sacredness as a woman.
1095
01:19:01,820 --> 01:19:06,200
You defiled with ugly fat
1096
01:19:06,325 --> 01:19:10,000
the Grecian classicism
of my body!
1097
01:19:10,120 --> 01:19:12,999
Your body was nothing
but ugly fat to begin with.
1098
01:19:13,123 --> 01:19:14,966
A little extra never hurt none.
1099
01:19:21,590 --> 01:19:25,640
If thy eyes offend thee,
1100
01:19:25,761 --> 01:19:27,263
pluck them out.
1101
01:19:27,388 --> 01:19:30,733
If thy hand offends thee,
1102
01:19:30,849 --> 01:19:33,318
cut it off.
1103
01:19:33,435 --> 01:19:38,908
May God give me strength
with His terrible swift sword!
1104
01:19:52,037 --> 01:19:53,539
That's it, sweetheart.
1105
01:19:53,664 --> 01:19:55,291
Just a little longer,
1106
01:19:55,416 --> 01:19:59,296
and we'll have mustard and
ketchup and mayonnaise galore.
1107
01:21:19,875 --> 01:21:20,842
-Hey!
1108
01:21:20,959 --> 01:21:22,711
What the hell are you doing?
1109
01:21:22,836 --> 01:21:24,759
That gave you a lift, didn't it?
1110
01:21:24,880 --> 01:21:25,802
Look, lady.
1111
01:21:25,923 --> 01:21:27,550
I give it.
I don't take it.
1112
01:21:27,674 --> 01:21:30,223
Give and take is a fact of life,
like in and out, lover boy.
1113
01:21:30,344 --> 01:21:31,812
Well, you may like it in,
1114
01:21:31,929 --> 01:21:34,023
but I want out when it comes
to this kind of hanky-panky_
1115
01:21:35,432 --> 01:21:37,025
What the hell
is she cooking in there?
1116
01:21:37,142 --> 01:21:38,359
A pot of Mexican jumping beans?
1117
01:21:38,477 --> 01:21:40,320
I don't know.
We'd better go and see.
1118
01:21:40,437 --> 01:21:41,780
Hell, yeah.
1119
01:21:41,897 --> 01:21:43,774
I had my protein.
1120
01:21:43,899 --> 01:21:46,618
Now I want me some starch.
1121
01:21:46,735 --> 01:21:49,363
Aah! Aah!
1122
01:21:49,488 --> 01:21:51,661
Tovdy,
what the hell are you up to?!
1123
01:21:53,951 --> 01:21:57,956
I was rubbing up the pubic hair
with bacon fat.
1124
01:21:58,080 --> 01:21:59,878
Then she went crazy!
1125
01:21:59,998 --> 01:22:01,295
Aah!
1126
01:22:01,417 --> 01:22:04,136
If I could get control
of this meat Cleaver,
1127
01:22:04,253 --> 01:22:07,507
that's all you'd end up with
down there is pubic hair!
1128
01:22:07,631 --> 01:22:10,555
This is crazy!
Stop it!
1129
01:22:23,730 --> 01:22:26,074
Did you like that?
1130
01:22:26,191 --> 01:22:27,113
Yes.
1131
01:22:27,234 --> 01:22:30,579
Then what's that tear doing
on your cheek?
1132
01:22:30,696 --> 01:22:35,827
It's tickling me,
but I don't want to laugh
1133
01:22:35,951 --> 01:22:40,127
because it's not
a laughing matter.
1134
01:22:40,247 --> 01:22:41,248
What isn't?
1135
01:22:41,373 --> 01:22:43,717
The whole Charade
in this house of illusions.
1136
01:22:43,834 --> 01:22:46,087
You wanted to play
this game, Sash.
1137
01:22:46,211 --> 01:22:47,758
It wasn't my idea.
1138
01:22:47,880 --> 01:22:49,177
I know.
1139
01:22:49,298 --> 01:22:53,929
To me, it's like going into
those fun houses
1140
01:22:54,052 --> 01:22:55,645
to look at ourselves
1141
01:22:55,762 --> 01:22:58,106
through those distorted mirrors
1142
01:22:58,223 --> 01:23:04,526
and everything
is so ugly and grotesque.
1143
01:23:04,646 --> 01:23:06,694
But no one really minds
1144
01:23:06,815 --> 01:23:11,742
because it's a fun house
and you're supposed to have fun.
1145
01:23:11,862 --> 01:23:14,240
Everything's distorted in here.
1146
01:23:14,364 --> 01:23:16,037
But I don't care.
1147
01:23:16,158 --> 01:23:19,458
Just so long as I can clearly
see the road to my mission.
1148
01:23:19,578 --> 01:23:22,798
And what road is that, Chandler?
1149
01:23:22,915 --> 01:23:27,341
Highway 135 to Waco, Texas.
1150
01:23:27,461 --> 01:23:30,715
The road to that giant
girdle factory
1151
01:23:30,839 --> 01:23:34,844
with the neon lettering
branding the Texas sky.
1152
01:23:34,968 --> 01:23:37,721
Branding it
with fiery red letters
1153
01:23:37,846 --> 01:23:41,066
that spell
"House of Phillips Unlimited."
1154
01:23:41,183 --> 01:23:44,232
Why would you want to go
back to that place
1155
01:23:44,353 --> 01:23:48,074
after the terrible tragedy
that happened to your wife,
1156
01:23:48,190 --> 01:23:49,817
Sarah Lou Phillips?
1157
01:23:49,942 --> 01:23:53,492
Because I want to forget
Sarah Lou Phillips
1158
01:23:53,612 --> 01:23:56,035
and her father, Leland Phillips,
1159
01:23:56,156 --> 01:23:59,376
creator of
the House of Phillips Unlimited.
1160
01:23:59,493 --> 01:24:00,961
But how can I,
1161
01:24:01,078 --> 01:24:01,920
when they're still manufacturing
those girdles
1162
01:24:02,037 --> 01:24:03,163
by the tens of thousands?
1163
01:24:03,288 --> 01:24:05,586
But hasn't the government
put a stop
1164
01:24:05,707 --> 01:24:08,426
to the production
of those flammable things?
1165
01:24:08,544 --> 01:24:12,014
Well, there's a movement in the
courts now to halt production
1166
01:24:12,130 --> 01:24:16,351
until the company chemists
take out the volatile element.
1167
01:24:16,468 --> 01:24:17,594
But until that time,
1168
01:24:17,719 --> 01:24:19,266
those giant wooden looms
1169
01:24:19,388 --> 01:24:22,187
are still churning out
those stretchable death traps.
1170
01:24:22,307 --> 01:24:25,026
Has Leland Phillips no heart?
1171
01:24:25,143 --> 01:24:27,521
What of all the women
who don't realize
1172
01:24:27,646 --> 01:24:30,695
that they're purchasing
a potentially deadly weapon?
1173
01:24:30,816 --> 01:24:34,571
Leland Phillips is said to have
a heart of gold, and it's true.
1174
01:24:34,695 --> 01:24:38,871
But they fail to mention that
he's also got lungs of silver,
1175
01:24:38,991 --> 01:24:41,619
a stomach of copper,
1176
01:24:41,743 --> 01:24:44,041
and kidneys made
out of tungsten.
1177
01:24:44,162 --> 01:24:47,416
There's not
an authentic human organ
1178
01:24:47,541 --> 01:24:49,543
in his entire decrepit body.
1179
01:24:49,668 --> 01:24:54,469
The man is a maniac living off
the energy of the U.S. treasury,
1180
01:24:54,590 --> 01:24:57,013
created by corporate capitalism.
1181
01:24:57,134 --> 01:24:59,387
Chandler,
he sounds like a menace
1182
01:24:59,511 --> 01:25:00,979
to the Sisterhood of women.
1183
01:25:01,096 --> 01:25:03,064
Oh, he's more than that.
1184
01:25:03,181 --> 01:25:06,310
He's a fiend that robbed me
of my manhood.
1185
01:25:06,435 --> 01:25:10,690
Why do you think I deviate
towards men?
1186
01:25:11,273 --> 01:25:17,030
Some experts say that
it's an imbalance in hormones.
1187
01:25:17,154 --> 01:25:18,747
No.
1188
01:25:18,864 --> 01:25:21,287
It's because practically
every woman I undress
1189
01:25:21,408 --> 01:25:23,160
is wearing
a House of Phillips girdle.
1190
01:25:23,285 --> 01:25:24,457
Oh, God, no!
1191
01:25:24,578 --> 01:25:26,251
Yes.
1192
01:25:26,371 --> 01:25:28,965
They just stand there
by the edge of the bed,
1193
01:25:29,082 --> 01:25:32,052
waiting for me to pull
the rest of their clothes off.
1194
01:25:32,169 --> 01:25:35,548
And then they ask me
what the hell am I staring at,
1195
01:25:35,672 --> 01:25:38,141
as if I've never seen a girdle
before.
1196
01:25:38,258 --> 01:25:39,851
Oh, Chandler.
1197
01:25:39,968 --> 01:25:41,641
Do you know how it feels
1198
01:25:41,762 --> 01:25:43,309
to relive the most
hideous moment of your life
1199
01:25:43,430 --> 01:25:46,434
again and again?
1200
01:25:48,852 --> 01:25:53,824
And then those half-naked women
wonder why my face turns wet
1201
01:25:53,940 --> 01:25:56,489
and why my eyes pop
out of my head
1202
01:25:56,610 --> 01:26:00,660
instead of something else
popping out of my shorts.
1203
01:26:05,285 --> 01:26:08,789
But it doesn't pop out.
1204
01:26:08,914 --> 01:26:11,793
Not anymore.
1205
01:26:16,004 --> 01:26:19,304
Can you blame me
for turning my back on women
1206
01:26:19,424 --> 01:26:21,802
and giving what I have up front
to men?
1207
01:26:21,927 --> 01:26:23,895
No, darling, no,
1208
01:26:24,012 --> 01:26:29,644
but what can free you
of this crippling disorder?
1209
01:26:29,768 --> 01:26:33,568
The destruction of
the House of Phillips Unlimited.
1210
01:26:35,482 --> 01:26:42,832
All it would take is a Coca-Cola
bottle filled with gasoline.
1211
01:26:42,948 --> 01:26:45,371
That's Dr. Pepper country
down there.
1212
01:26:45,492 --> 01:26:47,039
Well, then,
1213
01:26:47,160 --> 01:26:49,788
a Dr. Pepper bottle filled
with gasoline.
1214
01:26:49,913 --> 01:26:52,837
And a fuse made
from the fragment
1215
01:26:52,958 --> 01:26:55,086
of a com petitor's product.
1216
01:26:55,210 --> 01:26:59,431
You mean a chunk
of another girdle
1217
01:26:59,548 --> 01:27:01,141
of a different brand name?
1218
01:27:01,258 --> 01:27:02,931
That's right.
1219
01:27:03,051 --> 01:27:06,681
It'll make it all the more
ritualistic and prophetic.
1220
01:27:08,640 --> 01:27:13,771
Chandler, let me go down
Highway 135 with you.
1221
01:27:14,271 --> 01:27:16,820
To Waco, Texas.
1222
01:27:16,940 --> 01:27:19,534
To the House of Phillips
Unlimited
1223
01:27:19,651 --> 01:27:23,622
with its red neon sign
branding the Texas sky
1224
01:27:23,739 --> 01:27:24,956
with the mark of death.
1225
01:27:25,073 --> 01:27:27,792
Do you want to help me shatter
that sign
1226
01:27:27,909 --> 01:27:31,004
until it reads
"The House of Phillips Limited"?
1227
01:27:31,121 --> 01:27:35,001
And then just "The House," until
finally there's no sign at all,
1228
01:27:35,125 --> 01:27:37,093
just a massive flaming debris?
1229
01:27:37,210 --> 01:27:41,056
Your mission in life
is my mission.
1230
01:27:41,173 --> 01:27:44,848
I love you.
1231
01:28:03,445 --> 01:28:05,789
Be careful with that!
1232
01:28:05,906 --> 01:28:09,752
It cost me an arm and a leg
to upholster that chair!
1233
01:28:10,911 --> 01:28:12,288
If an elephant walks in here,
1234
01:28:12,412 --> 01:28:13,664
it's gonna be you
that's going to be upholstered
1235
01:28:13,789 --> 01:28:15,132
all over this house.
1236
01:28:15,248 --> 01:28:17,421
What is that thing in the jug
down there?!
1237
01:28:17,542 --> 01:28:19,636
It's like a man
the remains of a man.
1238
01:28:19,753 --> 01:28:22,381
Who told you to go snooping
around behind the shelves?
1239
01:28:22,506 --> 01:28:25,305
You were just supposed to get
the right vintage wine
1240
01:28:25,425 --> 01:28:26,927
and bring it up for supper.
1241
01:28:27,052 --> 01:28:29,601
We're gonna be for supper
if you don't stop chattering
1242
01:28:29,721 --> 01:28:31,689
and start blocking
those windows!
1243
01:28:31,807 --> 01:28:33,024
What are you talking about?
1244
01:28:33,141 --> 01:28:34,393
What's going on?
1245
01:28:34,518 --> 01:28:36,111
It's not only
the elephant out there.
1246
01:28:36,228 --> 01:28:38,196
I just saw a lion head straight
for your chicken coop,
1247
01:28:38,313 --> 01:28:39,064
Mrs. Hammond.
1248
01:28:39,189 --> 01:28:40,156
Good Lord!
1249
01:28:40,273 --> 01:28:42,401
Beulah and Pinky are in there!
1250
01:28:42,526 --> 01:28:43,869
Who's Beulah and Pinky?
1251
01:28:43,985 --> 01:28:45,282
They're my prize hens.
1252
01:28:45,403 --> 01:28:46,700
Come on. Come on.
1253
01:28:46,822 --> 01:28:48,324
What the hell is all this?
1254
01:28:48,448 --> 01:28:50,917
All this talk about elephants
and lions and hens?
1255
01:28:51,034 --> 01:28:53,753
You'd better add a gorilla
to that list, too.
1256
01:28:53,870 --> 01:28:55,372
Well, Chandler, we don't know
anything about it either,
1257
01:28:55,497 --> 01:28:58,797
but there's a herd of dangerous
animals out in that rain,
1258
01:28:58,917 --> 01:29:01,261
and they ain't shopping
for umbrellas.
1259
01:29:01,378 --> 01:29:02,925
Well, for your information,
1260
01:29:03,046 --> 01:29:04,889
there's a corpse down there
in the wine cellar
1261
01:29:05,006 --> 01:29:06,303
floating in a jug of liquid!
1262
01:29:06,424 --> 01:29:07,926
Ew.
Cut it out, Chandler.
1263
01:29:08,051 --> 01:29:09,519
I'm a nervous wreck as it is.
1264
01:29:09,636 --> 01:29:11,058
He's not kidding, Roo.
1265
01:29:11,179 --> 01:29:12,806
I was the first to see it.
1266
01:29:12,931 --> 01:29:14,649
What's your game,
you stinking nut?
1267
01:29:14,766 --> 01:29:16,109
It's called pickling.
1268
01:29:16,226 --> 01:29:17,102
What?!
1269
01:29:17,227 --> 01:29:19,150
I pickle things to preserve them
1270
01:29:19,271 --> 01:29:22,115
like onions,
cauliflower, peppers.
1271
01:29:22,232 --> 01:29:23,529
And men?
1272
01:29:23,650 --> 01:29:25,323
That's not just any man.
1273
01:29:25,443 --> 01:29:27,036
That's my husband!
1274
01:29:27,153 --> 01:29:29,531
You're crazier
than I thought you were.
1275
01:29:29,656 --> 01:29:30,748
Why?
1276
01:29:30,866 --> 01:29:34,541
Because I refuse to cover the
tangible remains of my husband
1277
01:29:34,661 --> 01:29:36,663
with a curtain of soil?
1278
01:29:36,788 --> 01:29:38,335
Yeah, but he was all eaten away,
1279
01:29:38,456 --> 01:29:41,084
as if something had been
gnawing away at his bones.
1280
01:29:41,209 --> 01:29:42,552
Didn't your mother
ever teach you
1281
01:29:42,669 --> 01:29:44,262
the proper way
to pickle something?
1282
01:29:44,379 --> 01:29:45,596
Oh, Sash, please.
1283
01:29:45,714 --> 01:29:47,808
I pickled him right.
1284
01:29:47,924 --> 01:29:52,100
That was the way he looked
when he died.
1285
01:29:52,721 --> 01:29:55,224
They didn't leave much flesh
on him, did they?
1286
01:29:55,348 --> 01:29:56,725
Who's "they"?
1287
01:29:56,850 --> 01:29:59,478
Who are you talking about?
1288
01:30:04,816 --> 01:30:08,366
I'm talking about
that buzzing cloud
1289
01:30:08,486 --> 01:30:15,210
that came down from the Rockies
on that awful Friday.
1290
01:30:16,119 --> 01:30:19,419
It was a Friday the 13th.
1291
01:30:19,539 --> 01:30:22,509
And it was noontime.
1292
01:30:22,626 --> 01:30:27,803
I was in the kitchen fixing
some lunch for Charlie,
1293
01:30:27,923 --> 01:30:31,973
who was working in the grain bin
all morning.
1294
01:30:33,428 --> 01:30:36,477
It was a cheerful morning.
1295
01:30:36,598 --> 01:30:40,569
Only, there were no birds
singing.
1296
01:30:40,685 --> 01:30:45,907
The birds had all flown away
the night before.
1297
01:30:51,321 --> 01:30:57,954
Seemed like there was
just me and Charlie
1298
01:30:58,078 --> 01:31:03,426
and that hot noonday sun
there on the farm.
1299
01:31:04,668 --> 01:31:08,298
And then it was just me
and Charlie.
1300
01:31:08,421 --> 01:31:15,396
'Cause the sun disappeared
in a buzzing, screaming shadow.
1301
01:31:15,512 --> 01:31:18,561
I looked out the window.
1302
01:31:18,682 --> 01:31:23,279
And I saw Charlie running
from the grain bin,
1303
01:31:23,395 --> 01:31:28,822
all white and covered
with wheat powder.
1304
01:31:28,942 --> 01:31:32,116
He froze dead in his tracks
1305
01:31:32,237 --> 01:31:36,242
as he looked up at the sky.
1306
01:31:36,366 --> 01:31:39,870
And that's when
they swooped down on him,
1307
01:31:39,995 --> 01:31:43,966
like a black hail
of winged devils.
1308
01:31:44,082 --> 01:31:46,050
Locusts.
1309
01:31:48,253 --> 01:31:54,351
They covered my husband
with a shroud of hungry mouths,
1310
01:31:54,467 --> 01:32:00,349
each one chomping away
like there was no tomorrow.
1311
01:32:00,849 --> 01:32:04,820
They also covered
the field where he fell,
1312
01:32:04,936 --> 01:32:11,160
until the whole earth looked
like a pot of boiling caviar.
1313
01:32:11,276 --> 01:32:13,370
Oh, my God.
1314
01:32:17,824 --> 01:32:20,794
The wind caused by the beating
of their wings
1315
01:32:20,910 --> 01:32:23,379
had slammed
the kitchen window shut.
1316
01:32:23,496 --> 01:32:27,751
And that's what probably saved
my life.
1317
01:32:27,876 --> 01:32:35,510
I lay unconscious on that floor
for a day and a night.
1318
01:32:35,633 --> 01:32:40,981
When I awoke, the morning sun
1319
01:32:41,097 --> 01:32:46,228
was beginning to bleach
the bones of my husband.
1320
01:32:46,352 --> 01:32:48,400
But locusts
aren't supposed to eat people.
1321
01:32:48,521 --> 01:32:50,023
You're forgetting something.
1322
01:32:50,148 --> 01:32:52,947
She said her husband was
all covered with wheat powder.
1323
01:32:53,068 --> 01:32:55,617
Wasn't there anyone around
that could have helped?
1324
01:32:55,737 --> 01:32:59,367
My son was in Borneo
at the time.
1325
01:32:59,491 --> 01:33:06,545
I remember praying to God
on that night after I awoke
1326
01:33:06,664 --> 01:33:11,295
how grateful I was that my son
had been spared the death
1327
01:33:11,419 --> 01:33:14,639
that descended on his father.
1328
01:33:14,756 --> 01:33:16,850
Little was I to know
1329
01:33:16,966 --> 01:33:21,847
that God was to have no mercy
on my son, either,
1330
01:33:21,971 --> 01:33:27,728
only a hideous,
swelling vengeance.
1331
01:33:27,852 --> 01:33:30,025
Hey, there's a man out there.
1332
01:33:30,146 --> 01:33:31,318
A man?
1333
01:33:31,439 --> 01:33:34,318
You'd better hurry up, Toydy,
and open that door
1334
01:33:34,442 --> 01:33:37,412
before the lion gets bored
with his chicken dinner!
1335
01:33:37,529 --> 01:33:40,078
Oh, my Beulah and Pinky!
1336
01:33:40,198 --> 01:33:41,745
I'm so sorry.
1337
01:43:54,520 --> 01:43:56,067
-Shut the door. Quick!
-Oh!
1338
01:43:56,188 --> 01:43:58,657
Don't worry about that, mister.
I hate zoos myself.
1339
01:43:58,774 --> 01:44:01,072
Those ain't the tenants
of a zoo, Mack.
1340
01:44:01,193 --> 01:44:01,944
You all right?
1341
01:44:02,069 --> 01:44:03,321
Those specimens out there
1342
01:44:03,446 --> 01:44:04,948
are under contract
to Phineas Harlan.
1343
01:44:05,072 --> 01:44:06,369
You mean the circus impresario?
1344
01:44:06,490 --> 01:44:07,867
The one and only.
1345
01:44:07,992 --> 01:44:09,539
Well, what are they doing
running around outside
1346
01:44:09,660 --> 01:44:11,003
door-to-door advertising?
1347
01:44:11,120 --> 01:44:14,795
No, I lost control of my truck.
1348
01:44:14,915 --> 01:44:18,795
She went over the embankment
about 50 yards from the bridge
1349
01:44:18,919 --> 01:44:20,796
and rolled over into the mud.
1350
01:44:20,921 --> 01:44:22,673
You mean the bridge is out?
1351
01:44:22,798 --> 01:44:25,267
No, my truck.
The bridge is still there.
1352
01:44:25,384 --> 01:44:26,681
-Above water?
-High and dry.
1353
01:44:26,802 --> 01:44:29,555
Then maybe we can get
out of here and hit Highway 135?
1354
01:44:29,680 --> 01:44:31,273
No way, sister.
1355
01:44:31,390 --> 01:44:33,392
Not with all those four-legged
buggers running around.
1356
01:44:33,517 --> 01:44:35,315
It's not the quadrupeds
that are dangerous.
1357
01:44:35,436 --> 01:44:38,815
It's that gargantuan biped.
1358
01:44:38,939 --> 01:44:40,486
What the hell is a biped?
1359
01:44:40,608 --> 01:44:42,485
You're a biped, dummy.
1360
01:44:42,610 --> 01:44:44,408
Now, look, Chandler, I don't
mind you calling me a dummy,
1361
01:44:44,528 --> 01:44:46,997
but don't be calling me
any dirty Italian names.
1362
01:44:47,114 --> 01:44:48,866
A biped is a creature
with two legs!
1363
01:44:48,991 --> 01:44:51,414
You mean the gorilla I saw?
He's the dangerous one?
1364
01:44:51,535 --> 01:44:53,287
Uh-huh. Yeah.
Phineas Harlan pulled
1365
01:44:53,412 --> 01:44:55,335
all the teeth
out of the lion's mouth
1366
01:44:55,456 --> 01:44:57,458
and he pulled the claws out.
1367
01:44:57,583 --> 01:45:00,132
The circus is a fake,
a waste of money!
1368
01:45:00,252 --> 01:45:02,129
You mean that lion's harmless?
1369
01:45:02,254 --> 01:45:04,302
As harmless
as a toothless old lady.
1370
01:45:04,423 --> 01:45:07,552
Well, I don't know if I agree
with that saying, young man.
1371
01:45:07,676 --> 01:45:09,599
Mrs. Connor has no teeth,
1372
01:45:09,720 --> 01:45:11,188
yet she blasted her husband
1373
01:45:11,305 --> 01:45:13,649
with six rounds of buckshot
last spring.
1374
01:45:13,766 --> 01:45:17,020
Why don't you go take a walk
and find something to pickle?
1375
01:45:17,144 --> 01:45:20,193
I almost had me
a real nice pickle
1376
01:45:20,314 --> 01:45:21,907
if only you hadn't jumped away.
1377
01:45:22,024 --> 01:45:24,072
Let's cut the bickering, huh?
1378
01:45:24,193 --> 01:45:27,914
Now we have a very dangerous
situation here.
1379
01:45:28,030 --> 01:45:29,577
Only, if I understand you right,
mister...
1380
01:45:29,698 --> 01:45:30,540
Call me Bing.
1381
01:45:30,658 --> 01:45:32,501
All right, Bing.
1382
01:45:32,618 --> 01:45:34,086
But if I understand you right,
1383
01:45:34,203 --> 01:45:36,501
then the situation really is
not that grave.
1384
01:45:36,622 --> 01:45:38,670
Do you have to use
that word -- "grave"?
1385
01:45:38,791 --> 01:45:40,259
Oh, my God.
1386
01:45:40,376 --> 01:45:41,844
All I've been hearing in
this house is talk of death.
1387
01:45:41,961 --> 01:45:43,963
What about
that elephant out there?
1388
01:45:44,088 --> 01:45:46,432
Minnie's so old,
she's practically blind.
1389
01:45:46,549 --> 01:45:49,098
Minnie's got to use her trunk
like a silver cane.
1390
01:45:49,218 --> 01:45:52,313
So, then, it's just
the gorilla that's dangerous?
1391
01:45:52,429 --> 01:45:55,023
Don't minimize the danger, Mack.
1392
01:45:55,140 --> 01:45:58,189
Medusa didn't get that name
for nothing.
1393
01:45:58,310 --> 01:46:01,063
One look
at those blazing red eyes
1394
01:46:01,188 --> 01:46:06,410
surrounded
by that black matted hair
1395
01:46:06,527 --> 01:46:11,078
can freeze a man to a block
of stone on the spot.
1396
01:46:11,198 --> 01:46:12,916
She made me hard one night.
1397
01:46:13,033 --> 01:46:15,035
Well, what's she after?
1398
01:46:15,160 --> 01:46:17,583
-Bananas.
-Come again?
1399
01:46:17,705 --> 01:46:18,831
She's crazy about bananas.
1400
01:46:18,956 --> 01:46:20,674
Well, aren't we all?
1401
01:46:20,791 --> 01:46:23,294
Is that all she wants, bananas?
1402
01:46:23,419 --> 01:46:24,716
No. No.
1403
01:46:24,837 --> 01:46:26,134
She's...
1404
01:46:26,255 --> 01:46:28,599
She wants...
1405
01:46:28,716 --> 01:46:31,595
She needs sex.
1406
01:46:31,719 --> 01:46:33,312
You'd think that Phineas
whatever his name is
1407
01:46:33,429 --> 01:46:34,851
would get her a mate.
1408
01:46:34,972 --> 01:46:37,691
She doesn't like other gorillas.
They're too hairy.
1409
01:46:37,808 --> 01:46:43,065
Medusa likes the naked,
virile flesh of young men.
1410
01:46:43,188 --> 01:46:45,862
And how, pray tell,
did she get a taste for that?
1411
01:46:45,983 --> 01:46:46,984
That's unimportant now!
1412
01:46:47,109 --> 01:46:47,905
Wait a second.
1413
01:46:48,027 --> 01:46:50,029
Wait just one minute.
1414
01:46:50,154 --> 01:46:52,282
You said she got you hard
one night.
1415
01:46:52,406 --> 01:46:53,453
What the hell did you mean
by that?
1416
01:46:53,574 --> 01:46:55,918
Look, I don't like being grilled
by the cops or anyone else!
1417
01:46:56,035 --> 01:46:59,915
Speaking of grilled, I'd better
check on those pork chops.
1418
01:47:00,039 --> 01:47:01,916
Excuse me, please.
1419
01:47:02,041 --> 01:47:04,169
Look, mister.
1420
01:47:04,293 --> 01:47:06,546
We're no angels,
and we have weird tastes, too.
1421
01:47:06,670 --> 01:47:08,547
What's so weird
about pork chops?
1422
01:47:08,672 --> 01:47:09,719
I wasn't talking
about pork chops!
1423
01:47:09,840 --> 01:47:11,262
I was talking about you
1424
01:47:11,383 --> 01:47:14,478
and that big, black,
red-eyed female out there!
1425
01:47:14,595 --> 01:47:17,223
Toydy, that female is a gorilla.
1426
01:47:17,348 --> 01:47:18,645
Shut up, Sash,
and let him finish.
1427
01:47:18,766 --> 01:47:19,483
He's got something there.
1428
01:47:19,600 --> 01:47:20,897
Well, you ought to know,
1429
01:47:21,018 --> 01:47:23,692
being that you had it
in your hand a couple hours ago.
1430
01:47:23,812 --> 01:47:26,235
Now, just a minute,
Miss Wine Cellar Virgin.
1431
01:47:26,357 --> 01:47:29,577
Don't you go talking back to me,
or I'm gonna spill the beans.
1432
01:47:29,693 --> 01:47:31,741
We're not having beans tonight!
1433
01:47:31,862 --> 01:47:33,580
We're having corn on the cob.
1434
01:47:33,697 --> 01:47:36,075
You know where you can shove
that corn on the cob,
1435
01:47:36,200 --> 01:47:37,167
Mrs. Hammond!
1436
01:47:37,284 --> 01:47:38,786
Shut up, everybody,
and let me finish!
1437
01:47:38,911 --> 01:47:42,006
I have a score to settle
with this little cellar tramp!
1438
01:47:42,122 --> 01:47:44,420
You're talking
about the woman I love.
1439
01:47:44,541 --> 01:47:47,010
You, Chandler, and that woman?
1440
01:47:47,127 --> 01:47:48,253
Surprised, muscles?
1441
01:47:48,379 --> 01:47:50,427
You didn't think I had it in me,
huh?
1442
01:47:52,299 --> 01:47:53,642
I sort of knew you didn't have
it in you for a long time.
1443
01:47:53,759 --> 01:47:55,636
Maybe that's why
you were messing with her.
1444
01:47:55,761 --> 01:47:58,105
Because you didn't put it in me
back there in the car?
1445
01:47:58,222 --> 01:48:01,192
Well, I was sort of edgy.
1446
01:48:01,308 --> 01:48:04,278
But I'm not edgy anymore.
1447
01:48:04,395 --> 01:48:06,147
Thanks to Sash.
1448
01:48:06,271 --> 01:48:07,773
No, of course not.
1449
01:48:07,898 --> 01:48:10,617
She manages to take
the sharp edge off everything,
1450
01:48:10,734 --> 01:48:11,906
don't you, Sash?
1451
01:48:12,027 --> 01:48:14,576
You can't threaten me anymore,
Roo.
1452
01:48:14,697 --> 01:48:16,449
I don't care what you say.
1453
01:48:16,573 --> 01:48:20,203
For the first time in my life,
I'm in love with a man.
1454
01:48:20,327 --> 01:48:21,749
You sure about his credentials?
1455
01:48:21,870 --> 01:48:23,463
I'm in love with a man.
1456
01:48:23,580 --> 01:48:26,800
Well, it sure beats a cactus,
don't it, Sash?
1457
01:48:26,917 --> 01:48:29,670
What are you two talking about?
1458
01:48:29,795 --> 01:48:31,797
You wanted to know
why she had a red butt
1459
01:48:31,922 --> 01:48:34,050
when we lived in Tucson,
didn't you, Toydy?
1460
01:48:34,174 --> 01:48:37,178
Go ahead, Roo.
I'm not afraid.
1461
01:48:37,302 --> 01:48:39,350
Yeah, go ahead.
1462
01:48:39,471 --> 01:48:42,975
I'd like to know
how she got a red butt.
1463
01:48:44,393 --> 01:48:46,521
It's because...
1464
01:48:46,645 --> 01:48:50,741
It's because
it was lonely there in Tucson,
1465
01:48:50,858 --> 01:48:54,738
and she was as horny
as a desert lizard.
1466
01:48:54,862 --> 01:48:59,709
And there was nothing
for miles around but cactus,
1467
01:48:59,825 --> 01:49:03,455
a forest of juicy, stumpy cactus
1468
01:49:03,579 --> 01:49:08,756
that rose 9 inches high
into the desert air.
1469
01:49:08,876 --> 01:49:11,095
Why, it was so boring,
1470
01:49:11,211 --> 01:49:15,762
that Sash over here would pull
up those cactus with ice tongs
1471
01:49:15,883 --> 01:49:19,558
and sit for hours plucking out
the needles
1472
01:49:19,678 --> 01:49:22,022
with her silver tweezers.
1473
01:49:22,139 --> 01:49:26,269
Only, you couldn't get them
all out, could you, Sash?
1474
01:49:26,393 --> 01:49:28,441
Yes, I could.
1475
01:49:28,562 --> 01:49:30,109
I got them all out.
1476
01:49:30,230 --> 01:49:32,858
The doctor said
that the rash in my buttocks
1477
01:49:32,983 --> 01:49:36,829
was caused by a type of
chlorophyll poisoning.
1478
01:49:36,945 --> 01:49:40,540
And she got that rash
by gyrating for hours
1479
01:49:40,657 --> 01:49:43,831
on the stumpy shaft
of a Tucson cactus.
1480
01:49:45,412 --> 01:49:48,632
How come there was no red rash
further down,
1481
01:49:48,749 --> 01:49:50,547
like on the private parts?
1482
01:49:50,667 --> 01:49:55,389
Because her private parts
were reserved
1483
01:49:55,506 --> 01:49:58,931
for that stuffed Gila monster
her father kept on the mantel.
1484
01:50:00,344 --> 01:50:03,644
Are you disappointed in me,
Chandler?
1485
01:50:05,516 --> 01:50:09,237
How could I be disappointed
in the woman I love?
1486
01:50:09,353 --> 01:50:10,730
Well, all right.
1487
01:50:10,854 --> 01:50:14,358
Now that you've got that
off your chest
1488
01:50:14,483 --> 01:50:17,783
and out of your buttocks,
what next?
1489
01:50:17,903 --> 01:50:20,531
What the heck is going on here?
1490
01:50:20,656 --> 01:50:22,704
Is this some sort of
communal therapy group?
1491
01:50:22,825 --> 01:50:24,168
Is that what this is?!
1492
01:50:24,284 --> 01:50:26,958
Well, I'd have to be speaking
only for myself
1493
01:50:27,079 --> 01:50:28,422
if I said that it was.
1494
01:50:28,539 --> 01:50:30,086
Well, whose turn is it now?
1495
01:50:30,207 --> 01:50:32,426
Who's gonna pull their skeleton
out of their closet
1496
01:50:32,543 --> 01:50:34,386
and pull them
out of the moth balls?
1497
01:50:34,503 --> 01:50:36,426
I was kind of hoping
it would be Gert,
1498
01:50:36,547 --> 01:50:39,221
seeing as how she hasn't
unlocked that door over there.
1499
01:50:39,341 --> 01:50:44,063
Gert's already bared her soul.
1500
01:50:44,179 --> 01:50:47,524
And don't go mentioning
moth balls or skeletons
1501
01:50:47,641 --> 01:50:50,611
or any other type of bug
when she comes in.
1502
01:50:50,727 --> 01:50:52,149
Well, I bared myself.
1503
01:50:52,271 --> 01:50:53,568
Oh, you did? When?
1504
01:50:53,689 --> 01:50:55,908
Back there under the staircase.
1505
01:50:56,024 --> 01:50:57,526
Bond and I indulged
in a little soul searching.
1506
01:50:57,651 --> 01:50:59,324
Didn't we, honey?
1507
01:50:59,444 --> 01:51:01,788
It didn't take you long to find
what you were looking for.
1508
01:51:01,905 --> 01:51:04,784
That's because your zipper
didn't get stuck.
1509
01:51:04,908 --> 01:51:06,876
Let's skip the details,
shall we?
1510
01:51:06,994 --> 01:51:08,086
Sure.
1511
01:51:08,203 --> 01:51:11,207
There's no sense in getting them
to licking their chops
1512
01:51:11,331 --> 01:51:13,379
before the real chops
are out of the oven.
1513
01:51:13,500 --> 01:51:14,717
Where's Willene?
1514
01:51:14,835 --> 01:51:16,678
I don't know,
but last time I seen her,
1515
01:51:16,795 --> 01:51:18,047
she was sitting on the floor
1516
01:51:18,172 --> 01:51:19,970
swooning over the voice
of her master.
1517
01:51:20,090 --> 01:51:22,468
Check that crazy bedroom
down the hall.
1518
01:51:22,593 --> 01:51:24,971
While the cat's away,
the mice do play,
1519
01:51:25,095 --> 01:51:28,725
even if the cat howls
over the radio once in a while.
1520
01:51:28,849 --> 01:51:30,897
Well, I guess it's your turn,
Bing.
1521
01:51:31,018 --> 01:51:35,398
My turn to what?
1522
01:51:35,522 --> 01:51:37,695
Bare your soul.
1523
01:51:37,816 --> 01:51:39,534
Oh, phooey.
1524
01:51:39,651 --> 01:51:42,825
Couldn't he bare something
a little more external?
1525
01:51:42,946 --> 01:51:44,163
I'll drink to that.
1526
01:51:44,281 --> 01:51:47,034
-Well, get yourself a glass.
-Get me one, too.
1527
01:51:47,159 --> 01:51:48,376
Get your own.
1528
01:51:48,493 --> 01:51:50,370
This house is full
of liquor glasses.
1529
01:51:50,495 --> 01:51:52,668
What did she call this place?
1530
01:51:52,789 --> 01:51:56,089
I heard her say something
like Prairie Blossom.
1531
01:51:56,210 --> 01:51:59,180
Lush Gardens
would be more fitting.
1532
01:52:14,561 --> 01:52:16,234
Here you are, my friend.
1533
01:52:16,355 --> 01:52:18,028
You're gonna need this.
1534
01:52:18,148 --> 01:52:22,619
To what, bare my soul?
1535
01:52:22,736 --> 01:52:25,785
Just consider it a form
of psychological enema.
1536
01:52:25,906 --> 01:52:27,533
Shh! Don't say that word!
1537
01:52:27,658 --> 01:52:29,535
Old Gert will come running in
with a rubber garden hose!
1538
01:52:29,660 --> 01:52:31,082
How thrilling!
1539
01:52:31,203 --> 01:52:33,171
Well, if you like things
like that, honey,
1540
01:52:33,288 --> 01:52:34,756
maybe I can get
Minnie the elephant
1541
01:52:34,873 --> 01:52:37,797
to grope around
in your peanut bag.
1542
01:52:37,918 --> 01:52:40,797
My bags been getting some nuts,
honey,
1543
01:52:40,921 --> 01:52:42,639
but they ain't been
peanut sized.
1544
01:52:42,756 --> 01:52:44,554
Where were they?
They from the kid?
1545
01:52:44,675 --> 01:52:45,767
Jealous?
1546
01:52:45,884 --> 01:52:48,182
Mnh-mnh. Just hungry.
1547
01:52:48,303 --> 01:52:52,524
Well, we'll be having pork chops
soon and corn on the cob.
1548
01:52:52,641 --> 01:52:58,444
But first, let's sink our teeth
into your background, Bing.
1549
01:52:58,563 --> 01:53:00,156
Come on.
1550
01:53:00,274 --> 01:53:03,699
Why don't you tell us about
Minnie, and Medusa, and...
1551
01:53:03,819 --> 01:53:05,662
-Samson.
-Yeah.
1552
01:53:05,779 --> 01:53:08,908
The lion's named Samson.
1553
01:53:09,032 --> 01:53:11,000
He had the strength of 10 men
1554
01:53:11,118 --> 01:53:13,120
until, like the biblical hero,
1555
01:53:13,245 --> 01:53:16,419
they clipped his toenails
and his teeth.
1556
01:53:16,540 --> 01:53:19,293
You said they took out
his teeth?
1557
01:53:19,418 --> 01:53:22,046
That's a terrible thing to do.
1558
01:53:22,170 --> 01:53:26,050
Sometimes men wish mine were
gone, but that's another story.
1559
01:53:26,174 --> 01:53:28,017
A dirty one.
1560
01:53:28,135 --> 01:53:31,856
Minnie is clean.
And so is Samson.
1561
01:53:31,972 --> 01:53:35,442
What about Medusa?
1562
01:53:35,559 --> 01:53:38,233
1563
01:53:43,775 --> 01:53:49,032
I -- I made Medusa dirty.
1564
01:53:53,702 --> 01:53:56,876
Did you tell your husband
about all this hocus-pocus?
1565
01:53:56,997 --> 01:53:58,749
My husband is a religious man,
1566
01:53:58,874 --> 01:54:02,174
and he's doing all he can
to rid my body of this curse.
1567
01:54:02,294 --> 01:54:03,591
How?
1568
01:54:03,712 --> 01:54:05,180
By not copulating with me
1569
01:54:05,297 --> 01:54:07,925
until Sister Geneva
flushes out the vileness
1570
01:54:08,050 --> 01:54:10,644
with her elephant syringe.
1571
01:54:10,761 --> 01:54:13,105
Holy cow!
1572
01:54:13,221 --> 01:54:17,146
You mean you let some nun stick
an elephant syringe
1573
01:54:17,267 --> 01:54:18,564
in your organ
1574
01:54:18,685 --> 01:54:22,735
while your husband
beats his meat and waits?
1575
01:54:22,856 --> 01:54:26,360
My husband
does not beat his meat.
1576
01:54:26,485 --> 01:54:28,487
He fluctuates his firmness.
1577
01:54:30,030 --> 01:54:31,703
Sister Geneva told us
before we were married
1578
01:54:31,823 --> 01:54:37,956
that we'd have to wait until
she could perform this ritual.
1579
01:54:39,289 --> 01:54:41,041
Oh, she did, did she?
1580
01:54:41,166 --> 01:54:44,295
Well, we could use that old dyke
and her syringe
1581
01:54:44,419 --> 01:54:48,140
just in case
Minnie gets constipated tonight.
1582
01:54:48,256 --> 01:54:49,929
Who's Minnie?
1583
01:54:50,050 --> 01:54:52,644
Didn't you hear that elephant
trumpeting out in the storm?
1584
01:54:52,761 --> 01:54:55,685
There's wild animals out there,
Willene.
1585
01:54:55,806 --> 01:54:58,400
Aren't there enough of them here
in this house?
1586
01:54:58,517 --> 01:55:01,566
Is that what you consider me,
an animal?
1587
01:55:01,686 --> 01:55:05,111
I consider you all debased
by yearnings of the flesh.
1588
01:55:05,232 --> 01:55:07,860
Do you see that vile object
over there?
1589
01:55:07,984 --> 01:55:10,578
You mean that dildo
with a fork in it?
1590
01:55:12,322 --> 01:55:15,792
I picked up that object 'cause
it was lying in the hall
1591
01:55:15,909 --> 01:55:17,911
as a stimulus to deviltry.
1592
01:55:18,036 --> 01:55:20,209
Am I a devil?
1593
01:55:20,330 --> 01:55:23,083
You're an animal.
1594
01:55:25,210 --> 01:55:29,260
And you're still a virgin
after how long?
1595
01:55:29,381 --> 01:55:30,633
Three years.
1596
01:55:30,757 --> 01:55:32,851
Sister Geneva's
trying to hurry it up,
1597
01:55:32,968 --> 01:55:34,686
but it takes a long time.
1598
01:55:34,803 --> 01:55:36,100
Three years.
1599
01:55:36,221 --> 01:55:38,974
Bride to an elephant syringe.
1600
01:55:39,099 --> 01:55:43,445
Sister Geneva
was a bride of Jesus.
1601
01:55:44,688 --> 01:55:46,690
Jesus didn't have no bride,
1602
01:55:46,815 --> 01:55:50,285
just widows in black
with a green elephant syringe.
1603
01:55:50,402 --> 01:55:52,279
It was pink.
1604
01:55:52,404 --> 01:55:53,781
Oh.
1605
01:55:53,905 --> 01:55:56,909
Well, you're right
about one thing.
1606
01:55:57,033 --> 01:55:58,876
What?
1607
01:56:06,877 --> 01:56:08,720
What was I right about?
1608
01:56:08,837 --> 01:56:10,714
I am an animal.
1609
01:56:28,315 --> 01:56:30,067
What kind?
1610
01:56:30,192 --> 01:56:32,035
A rhinoceros!
1611
01:56:32,152 --> 01:56:34,496
Can't you tell by my horn?
1612
01:56:34,613 --> 01:56:36,957
What are you gonna do with it?
1613
01:56:37,073 --> 01:56:43,080
I'm gonna prove to you that your
womanhood will not be fruitless.
1614
01:56:43,205 --> 01:56:49,588
That the tree of your body
will not be barren next spring.
1615
01:56:49,711 --> 01:56:54,888
Oh, Sister Mercy, forgive me,
for I know not what I do.
1616
01:56:56,593 --> 01:57:00,063
The tree of your body
may be losing a cherry,
1617
01:57:00,180 --> 01:57:04,230
but it's gaining two plums
and a banana!
1618
01:57:04,351 --> 01:57:07,571
And so needing a job and having
a great fondness for animals
1619
01:57:07,687 --> 01:57:10,941
led me into accepting a position
in Phineas Harlan's circus.
1620
01:57:11,066 --> 01:57:12,318
Did you enjoy the circus?
1621
01:57:12,442 --> 01:57:14,365
I enjoyed working
with the animals.
1622
01:57:14,486 --> 01:57:15,829
It was the people I hated.
1623
01:57:15,946 --> 01:57:17,038
You mean your co-workers?
1624
01:57:17,155 --> 01:57:18,532
Them and the audience.
1625
01:57:18,657 --> 01:57:20,455
You see, the animals' fatness
1626
01:57:20,575 --> 01:57:23,704
was a result of confinement
rather than gluttony.
1627
01:57:23,828 --> 01:57:24,954
Yeah, sure.
1628
01:57:25,080 --> 01:57:27,629
But what about you
and that gorilla?
1629
01:57:27,749 --> 01:57:29,422
I was coming to that.
1630
01:57:29,543 --> 01:57:32,262
You see, my co-workers were
very fond of practical jokes.
1631
01:57:32,379 --> 01:57:35,349
So, one night,
on my 31st birthday,
1632
01:57:35,465 --> 01:57:37,638
they got me drunk
during the celebration.
1633
01:57:37,759 --> 01:57:39,807
Stinking drunk.
1634
01:57:39,928 --> 01:57:41,054
That's a shame!
1635
01:57:41,179 --> 01:57:42,431
A shame you weren't there.
1636
01:57:42,556 --> 01:57:43,853
You like animals so much
1637
01:57:43,974 --> 01:57:45,772
you'd really get off
on that booze hound.
1638
01:57:45,892 --> 01:57:47,565
Do you want me to continue
1639
01:57:47,686 --> 01:57:50,280
or do you just feel like making
wisecracks all night?
1640
01:57:50,397 --> 01:57:51,694
I'm sorry. Go on.
1641
01:57:51,815 --> 01:57:55,945
Like I was saying,
I was real drunk.
1642
01:57:56,069 --> 01:57:59,164
And since we had been
on the road for two weeks,
1643
01:57:59,281 --> 01:58:00,783
I was horny as hell.
1644
01:58:00,907 --> 01:58:05,162
My friends said that they had
lined up a hooker for me
1645
01:58:05,287 --> 01:58:09,087
and that she was behind
the calliope in a tent.
1646
01:58:10,625 --> 01:58:12,218
I staggered across
the muddy fairgrounds,
1647
01:58:12,335 --> 01:58:14,884
tossing my clothes off
as I approached the two tents.
1648
01:58:15,005 --> 01:58:16,678
I was seeing double
by that time.
1649
01:58:16,798 --> 01:58:18,892
One of my friends got
on the Calliope,
1650
01:58:19,009 --> 01:58:20,431
and there was all this music
1651
01:58:20,552 --> 01:58:22,020
as I tore open the tent flap
1652
01:58:22,137 --> 01:58:24,686
and jumped upon the thing
in the sleeping bag.
1653
01:58:24,806 --> 01:58:28,060
I knew she was black and
that her skin was kind of puffy
1654
01:58:28,184 --> 01:58:29,527
and she smelled funny,
1655
01:58:29,644 --> 01:58:32,113
but I didn't care
after two weeks on the road.
1656
01:58:32,230 --> 01:58:35,109
Two weeks
of driving past billboards
1657
01:58:35,233 --> 01:58:38,783
with their bikini-clad models
holding up suntan lotions.
1658
01:58:38,903 --> 01:58:43,784
There was something jangling
on her wrist and feet,
1659
01:58:43,908 --> 01:58:46,206
but I could hardly hear
1660
01:58:46,328 --> 01:58:50,174
because of the loud
Calliope music.
1661
01:58:52,917 --> 01:58:57,423
Anyhow, I thought they were
bracelets like you're wearing.
1662
01:58:57,547 --> 01:58:58,924
They weren't?
1663
01:58:59,049 --> 01:59:02,019
The morning light revealed
their true nature.
1664
01:59:02,135 --> 01:59:06,561
They were chains
that held down the gorilla.
1665
01:59:06,681 --> 01:59:09,935
Someone had shaven her
from head to foot.
1666
01:59:10,060 --> 01:59:11,607
Dear Lord!
1667
01:59:11,728 --> 01:59:15,904
We lay there in the dim light,
1668
01:59:16,024 --> 01:59:20,370
her black stubby fingers
around my pecker.
1669
01:59:57,774 --> 02:00:02,075
Then she turned that massive
pointed head toward me
1670
02:00:02,195 --> 02:00:07,952
and bared those giant, yellow
teeth in a smile of affection.
1671
02:00:08,076 --> 02:00:10,078
I screamed!
1672
02:00:10,203 --> 02:00:15,551
I screamed so loud that every
creature in the circus went wild
1673
02:00:15,667 --> 02:00:18,045
in their cages.
1674
02:00:18,169 --> 02:00:24,927
Maintenance men found me lying
by the Calliope
1675
02:00:25,051 --> 02:00:29,557
trying to sing
"l Love You Truly."
1676
02:00:29,681 --> 02:00:34,653
Medusa was lying there
in the sleeping bag
1677
02:00:34,769 --> 02:00:37,318
massaging her breasts.
1678
02:00:37,439 --> 02:00:44,038
They said it took four men
from the loony bin
1679
02:00:44,154 --> 02:00:46,748
to carry me away.
1680
02:00:49,075 --> 02:00:51,123
You were put under observation?
1681
02:00:51,244 --> 02:00:53,918
For a whole week.
1682
02:00:54,038 --> 02:00:57,759
Then I was set free,
and I went back to work.
1683
02:00:57,876 --> 02:01:04,760
Only, this time, Medusa
was observing me every second.
1684
02:01:04,883 --> 02:01:08,683
And she'd make little lewd
gestures with her toes.
1685
02:01:08,803 --> 02:01:10,430
Made my flesh crawl.
1686
02:01:10,555 --> 02:01:15,026
So, why is she so dangerous
if she loves you that much?
1687
02:01:15,143 --> 02:01:19,364
Her love was forcibly repressed
by the bars of her cage.
1688
02:01:19,481 --> 02:01:24,032
When she realized she wasn't
getting anywhere with me,
1689
02:01:24,152 --> 02:01:28,703
she tried making love
to SeF\or Tostada, her trainer.
1690
02:01:44,839 --> 02:01:48,184
He beat her with his whip,
and she became enraged.
1691
02:01:48,301 --> 02:01:51,305
Senior Tostada was literally torn
limb from limb.
1692
02:01:51,429 --> 02:01:55,024
His arms and legs had been
tossed 15 feet into the air
1693
02:01:55,141 --> 02:01:57,894
andlanded
into the concession stand,
1694
02:01:58,019 --> 02:02:01,649
falling into a bin of popcorn.
1695
02:02:01,773 --> 02:02:04,902
And they found his head tossed
not far away,
1696
02:02:05,026 --> 02:02:08,906
embedded
in the cotton-candy machine.
1697
02:02:09,030 --> 02:02:12,625
Aren't animals
as dangerous as that destroyed?
1698
02:02:13,827 --> 02:02:17,252
Phineas Harlan
couldn't destroy Medusa.
1699
02:02:17,372 --> 02:02:18,840
His wife loved that ape.
1700
02:02:18,957 --> 02:02:22,211
When he had brought
the baby Medusa from the jungle,
1701
02:02:22,335 --> 02:02:23,962
it was sick and near death.
1702
02:02:24,087 --> 02:02:28,217
Mrs. Harlan nursed it with
the milk from her own breasts.
1703
02:02:28,341 --> 02:02:30,218
On that hideous morning
1704
02:02:30,343 --> 02:02:34,393
when it was found shaven
and chained in the tent,
1705
02:02:34,514 --> 02:02:39,190
it was Mrs. Harlan who donated
her mink coat to Medusa
1706
02:02:39,310 --> 02:02:41,984
so she wouldn't catch pneumonia.
1707
02:02:43,982 --> 02:02:48,203
A mother's love is the strongest
thing in the world.
1708
02:02:48,319 --> 02:02:50,117
Like those chains
that held down the gorilla.
1709
02:02:50,238 --> 02:02:51,490
So, what happened?
1710
02:02:51,614 --> 02:02:52,957
The gorilla was kept on
in the circus?
1711
02:02:53,074 --> 02:02:56,169
Having tasted the flesh
and then the blood of men,
1712
02:02:56,286 --> 02:02:58,755
Medusa became
a murderous psychopath
1713
02:02:58,872 --> 02:03:00,374
obeying only Mrs. Harlan.
1714
02:03:00,498 --> 02:03:03,718
She later put on
Seior Tostada's boots and whip
1715
02:03:03,835 --> 02:03:05,257
and a leopard bikini.
1716
02:03:05,378 --> 02:03:07,597
And then Mrs. Harlan
took control of it.
1717
02:03:07,714 --> 02:03:10,058
Well, then, we women here
tonight are safe
1718
02:03:10,174 --> 02:03:13,144
if that gorilla
only goes ape over men.
1719
02:03:13,261 --> 02:03:14,604
No, you're not.
1720
02:03:14,721 --> 02:03:15,938
You see, the relationship soured
rather quickly
1721
02:03:16,055 --> 02:03:17,557
when Mrs. Harlan got
into the ring.
1722
02:03:17,682 --> 02:03:19,309
Why was that?
1723
02:03:19,434 --> 02:03:20,276
The bikini.
1724
02:03:24,731 --> 02:03:28,781
Mrs. Harlan was going on
59 years of age.
1725
02:03:28,902 --> 02:03:33,658
Her flesh was bloated
and sagging considerably.
1726
02:03:45,418 --> 02:03:47,386
When she ran out
into the arena,
1727
02:03:47,503 --> 02:03:50,222
the audience screamed
their disapproval at her.
1728
02:03:50,340 --> 02:03:52,593
She was always visibly shaken
by the reception,
1729
02:03:52,717 --> 02:03:55,687
and she began to take out
her feelings on Medusa.
1730
02:03:55,803 --> 02:03:58,056
-By the whip?
- Yes.
1731
02:03:58,181 --> 02:03:59,979
She was like a female
Captain Bligh.
1732
02:04:00,099 --> 02:04:04,570
And in tent number 3,
1733
02:04:04,687 --> 02:04:09,409
Mrs. Courtney Harlan and Medusa!
1734
02:04:45,228 --> 02:04:48,528
Then, one night, under
the big top in Dayton, Ohio,
1735
02:04:48,648 --> 02:04:50,616
Medusa grabbed hold of the whip
1736
02:04:50,733 --> 02:04:52,906
and pulled Mrs. Harlan
within reach.
1737
02:04:53,027 --> 02:04:54,904
She stripped off
the old lady's bikini
1738
02:04:55,029 --> 02:04:56,497
in front of the horrified crowd.
1739
02:04:56,614 --> 02:04:58,241
I don't know what they were
more horrified at --
1740
02:04:58,366 --> 02:05:02,667
the enraged gorilla or Mrs.
Harlan's completely naked body.
1741
02:05:06,833 --> 02:05:08,301
In any case,
1742
02:05:08,418 --> 02:05:10,261
the gorilla tied one end
of the whip around her neck,
1743
02:05:10,378 --> 02:05:12,380
and then grabbing on
to the other end,
1744
02:05:12,505 --> 02:05:16,601
Medusa whirled her around
up high in the air.
1745
02:05:26,227 --> 02:05:29,447
Then the gorilla let go
of that whip
1746
02:05:29,564 --> 02:05:34,320
and that blasted, bloated body
went sailing over the cage
1747
02:05:34,444 --> 02:05:38,074
and hit the tent
and bounced back
1748
02:05:38,197 --> 02:05:40,416
and dropped into the arena
1749
02:05:40,533 --> 02:05:42,911
where the dancing hippos
were in ring number 2.
1750
02:05:43,036 --> 02:05:45,004
Were the hippos dancing
at the time?
1751
02:05:45,121 --> 02:05:48,125
Yes. The Mexican Hat Dance.
1752
02:05:48,249 --> 02:05:52,629
Young man, I took a heck of
a long time preparing this meal.
1753
02:05:52,754 --> 02:05:54,472
Now, don't go ruining it for us.
1754
02:05:54,589 --> 02:05:56,011
I'm just about finished.
1755
02:05:56,132 --> 02:05:57,805
There's not much more to say.
1756
02:05:57,925 --> 02:06:00,144
And yet,
after all these tragedies,
1757
02:06:00,261 --> 02:06:02,935
the gorilla
was still allowed to perform?
1758
02:06:03,056 --> 02:06:05,024
Killing old lady Harlan
was the best thing
1759
02:06:05,141 --> 02:06:07,360
that Medusa could have done
for Phineas Harlan.
1760
02:06:07,477 --> 02:06:11,698
He was now rolling
in insurance money.
1761
02:06:11,814 --> 02:06:13,532
Her act was kept on --
1762
02:06:13,649 --> 02:06:16,027
The one with Medusa was kept on,
1763
02:06:16,152 --> 02:06:19,031
but it was downgraded
considerably.
1764
02:06:19,155 --> 02:06:23,831
Her feet were chained
to a garishly painted platform.
1765
02:06:23,951 --> 02:06:28,673
A semi-naked woman was hired
to throw hula hoops on her.
1766
02:06:28,790 --> 02:06:31,509
Medusa was taught to mimic
the woman's hip movement
1767
02:06:31,626 --> 02:06:35,301
so that the hula hoops
would twirl.
1768
02:07:40,361 --> 02:07:42,739
From the way that gorilla looked
at me,
1769
02:07:42,864 --> 02:07:46,459
I knew exactly what she was
thinking while she was gyrating.
1770
02:07:46,576 --> 02:07:48,704
And so you say bananas
are the only thing
1771
02:07:48,828 --> 02:07:51,081
that diverts her mind
from rape and murder?
1772
02:07:51,205 --> 02:07:52,206
Yes, it's uncanny.
1773
02:07:52,331 --> 02:07:54,004
And so are these vegetables.
1774
02:07:54,125 --> 02:07:58,426
These are fresh vegetables from
my garden, not from a can.
1775
02:07:58,546 --> 02:07:59,468
So, come on.
1776
02:07:59,589 --> 02:08:01,512
Eat up and stop your talking.
1777
02:08:01,632 --> 02:08:03,634
Why are you looking
at that door, Toydy?
1778
02:08:08,514 --> 02:08:11,233
It's locked, and I'm curious.
1779
02:08:11,350 --> 02:08:14,650
Curiosity killed the cat.
1780
02:08:14,770 --> 02:08:17,023
A cat's a pussy,
and I'm no pussy!
1781
02:08:17,148 --> 02:08:18,491
No.
1782
02:08:18,608 --> 02:08:20,656
But when the time comes
for you to be one,
1783
02:08:20,776 --> 02:08:22,904
I'm sure you'll make do
with what you have.
1784
02:08:23,029 --> 02:08:24,906
Where's Bond?
His food's getting cold.
1785
02:08:25,031 --> 02:08:26,123
So is Willene's.
1786
02:08:26,240 --> 02:08:27,742
Don't worry about Bond.
1787
02:08:27,867 --> 02:08:30,245
I bet his friction
is making his meat real hot.
1788
02:08:30,369 --> 02:08:31,416
I suppose you're right.
1789
02:08:31,537 --> 02:08:35,383
And as for Willene, there's
nothing like a good pounding
1790
02:08:35,499 --> 02:08:37,467
to get your chops tenderized.
1791
02:08:37,585 --> 02:08:41,840
You'll never find
more tender chops than these.
1792
02:08:41,964 --> 02:08:44,843
No, but there's no harm
in looking.
1793
02:08:49,764 --> 02:08:53,189
Wasn't that better
than an elephant syringe?
1794
02:08:53,309 --> 02:08:55,311
Oh, it sure was.
1795
02:08:55,436 --> 02:08:58,690
It wasn't so much air pumped
in my body.
1796
02:08:58,814 --> 02:09:02,739
You mean there's just air
in that syringe?
1797
02:09:02,860 --> 02:09:05,955
No, there was seltzer
and milk of magnesia,
1798
02:09:06,072 --> 02:09:08,166
but then Seltzer got
too expensive,
1799
02:09:08,282 --> 02:09:10,034
and she started using Fizzies.
1800
02:09:10,159 --> 02:09:12,207
Fizzies? What's that?
1801
02:09:12,328 --> 02:09:15,172
Oh, it's kind of
a bubbling Kool-Aid.
1802
02:09:15,289 --> 02:09:16,211
Mnh.
1803
02:09:16,332 --> 02:09:18,084
You want I should inject you
1804
02:09:18,209 --> 02:09:20,962
with some more
of my special cocktail mix?
1805
02:09:21,087 --> 02:09:22,634
Sure.
Go ahead, baby.
1806
02:09:22,755 --> 02:09:27,181
The shaker's all ready.
1807
02:09:37,270 --> 02:09:39,568
I love you, Bond!
1808
02:09:39,689 --> 02:09:42,488
What about
your Songbird husband?
1809
02:09:42,608 --> 02:09:45,953
Oh, he's hit a sour note.
1810
02:09:48,281 --> 02:09:51,251
Divorce is
a messy business, Willene.
1811
02:09:51,367 --> 02:09:55,497
Oh, there doesn't
have to be one.
1812
02:09:59,333 --> 02:10:01,552
Marriage can be annulled
1813
02:10:01,669 --> 02:10:06,095
on the grounds that it hasn't
been consummated.
1814
02:10:06,215 --> 02:10:08,593
I don't know about that.
1815
02:10:08,718 --> 02:10:12,222
That syringe has opened you up
pretty wide.
1816
02:10:13,389 --> 02:10:16,689
My brother Edgar, the lawyer
who lives in Kansas City
1817
02:10:16,809 --> 02:10:18,152
with his wife, Flora,
1818
02:10:18,269 --> 02:10:20,738
and their two children,
ages 9 and 13.
1819
02:10:20,855 --> 02:10:23,699
My brother Edgar
could win me that case.
1820
02:10:25,693 --> 02:10:30,039
He'd just tell them while I was
working at Flaherty's Bakery,
1821
02:10:30,156 --> 02:10:35,834
I accidentally squatted
on a loaf on French bread.
1822
02:10:35,953 --> 02:10:38,172
Oh! Oh! Tell me!
1823
02:10:38,289 --> 02:10:39,381
Say it!
1824
02:10:39,498 --> 02:10:42,377
I need a woman
as big and wide as you.
1825
02:10:42,501 --> 02:10:45,880
Everyone else, it's like
squeezing into a pinhole.
1826
02:10:46,005 --> 02:10:48,633
Oh, and I need you.
1827
02:10:48,758 --> 02:10:53,104
You probably about the closest
in size I'll ever find
1828
02:10:53,220 --> 02:10:56,224
to replace
that elephant syringe.
1829
02:10:56,349 --> 02:11:00,570
Working up some gravy to squirt
on your mashed potatoes?
1830
02:11:00,686 --> 02:11:03,235
Yeah, they're kind of dry.
1831
02:11:03,356 --> 02:11:08,533
Any objections to putting
cream gravy on baked potatoes?
1832
02:11:08,652 --> 02:11:11,246
Yeah, especially when they got
their jackets on.
1833
02:11:12,406 --> 02:11:13,874
Is that better?
1834
02:11:13,991 --> 02:11:17,495
They're kind of starchy.
Why don't you just beat it?
1835
02:11:17,620 --> 02:11:21,250
Well, take your hand away
from it and I will.
1836
02:11:21,374 --> 02:11:23,877
You don't excite me, Roo.
1837
02:11:24,001 --> 02:11:24,752
Why not?
1838
02:11:26,212 --> 02:11:28,510
You and me,
we're too much alike.
1839
02:11:28,631 --> 02:11:29,974
We're two of a kind
1840
02:11:30,091 --> 02:11:32,514
and negative charges
don't attract each other.
1841
02:11:32,635 --> 02:11:36,139
I don't consider myself
as negative.
1842
02:11:36,263 --> 02:11:41,110
Well, that's what I am --
a great, big, fat minus sign.
1843
02:11:41,227 --> 02:11:43,571
Well, you can say that again.
1844
02:11:44,897 --> 02:11:46,740
Will this change your mind?
1845
02:11:46,857 --> 02:11:48,484
Where were those keys?
1846
02:11:48,609 --> 02:11:51,738
I found them in the kitchen when
I went to get the horseradish.
1847
02:11:51,862 --> 02:11:55,036
I bet you one of them opens that
locked door in the living room.
1848
02:11:55,157 --> 02:11:56,534
Give me those keys!
1849
02:11:56,659 --> 02:11:58,161
Not till I get some gravy, baby.
1850
02:11:58,285 --> 02:12:01,414
You want an equal amount
on each potato?
1851
02:12:01,539 --> 02:12:03,212
Forget about potatoes.
1852
02:12:03,332 --> 02:12:07,178
Just concentrate on this piece
of boiled tongue.
1853
02:13:09,690 --> 02:13:12,159
Give it to me.
1854
02:13:26,707 --> 02:13:29,210
Give me those keys.
1855
02:13:29,335 --> 02:13:32,839
Here they are,
and it's very well deserved.
1856
02:13:32,963 --> 02:13:35,091
Perhaps you'll change your mind
about me.
1857
02:13:35,216 --> 02:13:36,433
In what way?
1858
02:13:36,550 --> 02:13:39,724
Birds of a feather
stick together.
1859
02:13:39,845 --> 02:13:42,098
I'm not ready to build no nest.
1860
02:13:42,223 --> 02:13:45,477
But when I do,
I don't want it to be foul.
1861
02:13:45,601 --> 02:13:49,105
I can take an insult and a hint.
1862
02:13:49,230 --> 02:13:53,986
But I don't give up so easily.
1863
02:13:54,109 --> 02:13:57,204
Oh, Bond.
Take me away from here.
1864
02:13:57,321 --> 02:14:02,248
I've got a car, money, and a
body, and they're all yours.
1865
02:14:02,368 --> 02:14:06,123
Maybe I can get you a job in my
husband's publicity department
1866
02:14:06,247 --> 02:14:09,296
stamping his signature
on all those 8xlos.
1867
02:14:09,416 --> 02:14:11,009
Stamping his signature?
1868
02:14:11,126 --> 02:14:14,596
I thought you told me
they were all hand signed?
1869
02:14:14,713 --> 02:14:16,010
Well, they are.
1870
02:14:16,131 --> 02:14:17,223
But you'll be needing a job
pretty soon,
1871
02:14:17,341 --> 02:14:20,185
and that's the only labor
I can think of at the moment.
1872
02:14:21,387 --> 02:14:23,264
You're good to me, Willene.
1873
02:14:23,389 --> 02:14:26,814
Nobody's ever offered me so much
for so little.
1874
02:14:26,934 --> 02:14:30,814
What you offered me
wasn't little.
1875
02:14:33,274 --> 02:14:36,153
Let's get dressed
and go eat dinner
1876
02:14:36,277 --> 02:14:39,121
so we can depart
on a full stomach.
1877
02:14:39,238 --> 02:14:43,334
There's complications out there
in the rain, Willene.
1878
02:14:43,450 --> 02:14:47,751
Well, if you truly love me,
you will guide us past them.
1879
02:14:47,871 --> 02:14:53,799
From now on, you're the captain
of the ship I call my life.
1880
02:14:56,589 --> 02:14:58,011
Oh!
1881
02:14:58,132 --> 02:14:59,475
I didn't know there was anyone
standing there.
1882
02:14:59,592 --> 02:15:01,515
Couldn't you smell
the pork chops?
1883
02:15:01,635 --> 02:15:03,854
Yeah.
We didn't smell the rat.
1884
02:15:03,971 --> 02:15:06,520
Boy, that sounds like
our lovesick Chandler.
1885
02:15:06,640 --> 02:15:08,187
There's nothing sick about love.
1886
02:15:08,309 --> 02:15:10,152
Come on.
1887
02:15:10,269 --> 02:15:12,021
Just a minute, muscles.
1888
02:15:12,146 --> 02:15:13,819
I want to talk to you!
1889
02:15:13,939 --> 02:15:15,987
I'll be right with you, Willene.
1890
02:15:16,108 --> 02:15:17,655
Start eating without me!
1891
02:15:17,776 --> 02:15:20,780
Do you want to get out of
this place with that woman?
1892
02:15:20,904 --> 02:15:22,372
Have you been spying on us?
1893
02:15:22,489 --> 02:15:23,661
Spying?
1894
02:15:23,782 --> 02:15:24,533
That's an old story
for this room.
1895
02:15:24,658 --> 02:15:25,955
Now, listen to me, and shut up!
1896
02:15:26,076 --> 02:15:27,578
The only way you
and that girlfriend of yours
1897
02:15:27,703 --> 02:15:29,205
are gonna get out of here
1898
02:15:29,330 --> 02:15:32,504
is by flinging bananas
at that gorilla to distract him.
1899
02:15:32,625 --> 02:15:33,968
Who told you that?
1900
02:15:34,084 --> 02:15:36,507
That guy at the circus.
He wasn't kidding.
1901
02:15:36,629 --> 02:15:38,973
That gorilla
is a sex-crazed killer!
1902
02:15:39,089 --> 02:15:40,682
Well, what's that got to do
with me?
1903
02:15:40,799 --> 02:15:42,927
Well, don't you
and that little lady
1904
02:15:43,052 --> 02:15:44,178
want to get out of here?
1905
02:15:44,303 --> 02:15:45,850
Yeah, very much.
She loves me.
1906
02:15:45,971 --> 02:15:48,099
That's sweet and touching.
1907
02:15:48,223 --> 02:15:51,352
It just so happens that I've got
a crate of bananas.
1908
02:15:51,477 --> 02:15:54,526
Where the heck did you get
a crate of bananas from?
1909
02:15:54,647 --> 02:15:57,992
I had two crates, but I burned
one up in a car accident.
1910
02:15:58,108 --> 02:16:00,202
I was hitchhiking to Sioux City,
1911
02:16:00,319 --> 02:16:02,447
and I swiped them
off this truck.
1912
02:16:02,571 --> 02:16:05,575
But I'll let you in on it,
though.
1913
02:16:05,699 --> 02:16:08,122
I'll give you the bananas,
for a price.
1914
02:16:08,243 --> 02:16:09,870
You know I got no money.
1915
02:16:09,995 --> 02:16:12,623
All your wealth is in your body.
1916
02:16:12,748 --> 02:16:14,591
And I want your body.
1917
02:16:14,708 --> 02:16:16,585
You drive a real hard bargain.
1918
02:16:16,710 --> 02:16:18,587
That's just what I want to do.
1919
02:16:18,712 --> 02:16:21,261
I want to drive it real hard
into you.
1920
02:16:21,382 --> 02:16:25,228
Listen, give me a second
to think it over, huh, Toydy?
1921
02:16:25,344 --> 02:16:27,346
Why don't you loosen
your trousers up
1922
02:16:27,471 --> 02:16:29,894
and give yourself
a little more room to think?
1923
02:16:30,015 --> 02:16:32,894
You've told us about a whole
assortment of people, Bing.
1924
02:16:33,018 --> 02:16:35,237
But you've told us nothing
about yourself.
1925
02:16:35,354 --> 02:16:36,901
Get off my back, mister.
1926
02:16:37,022 --> 02:16:39,366
He's not trying to get on it,
not after meeting me.
1927
02:16:39,483 --> 02:16:40,860
I think you're holding
something back.
1928
02:16:40,984 --> 02:16:41,985
Listen, young fellow!
1929
02:16:42,111 --> 02:16:43,704
If the food didn't agree
with you,
1930
02:16:43,821 --> 02:16:45,289
I got a toilet
just down the hallway.
1931
02:16:45,406 --> 02:16:46,623
Now, don't be shy.
1932
02:16:46,740 --> 02:16:49,710
Come on, Bing!
Let's have it out now!
1933
02:16:49,827 --> 02:16:51,329
Not in my living room,
you don't!
1934
02:16:51,453 --> 02:16:52,796
Gert, please.
I'm eating!
1935
02:16:52,913 --> 02:16:54,210
Let's have it, Bing.
1936
02:16:54,331 --> 02:16:56,208
All right, God damn it!
All right!
1937
02:16:56,333 --> 02:16:57,676
It wasn't an accident!
1938
02:16:57,793 --> 02:16:59,511
I ran that truck off the road
on purpose!
1939
02:16:59,628 --> 02:17:00,754
But why?
1940
02:17:00,879 --> 02:17:04,383
Because I couldn't see
those animals suffer anymore
1941
02:17:04,508 --> 02:17:06,101
and me along with them.
1942
02:17:06,218 --> 02:17:07,265
Suicide?
1943
02:17:07,386 --> 02:17:09,605
Yes.
We were on our way
1944
02:17:09,722 --> 02:17:11,770
to St. Barnaby's School
for Crippled Children.
1945
02:17:11,890 --> 02:17:13,437
In Nebraska City?
1946
02:17:13,559 --> 02:17:15,061
That's right!
1947
02:17:15,185 --> 02:17:16,687
Have you ever been there
when the circus was in town?!
1948
02:17:16,812 --> 02:17:17,938
Did you ever see the kids poking
at the animals
1949
02:17:18,063 --> 02:17:19,656
with their crutches?!
1950
02:17:19,773 --> 02:17:23,528
Have you ever seen an ostrich
run down by a wheelchair?!
1951
02:17:23,652 --> 02:17:26,326
Did you ever hear
what it sounds like
1952
02:17:26,447 --> 02:17:28,449
to hear a tiger's head crushed
1953
02:17:28,574 --> 02:17:31,544
by the blows of a broken arm
in a cast?!
1954
02:17:31,660 --> 02:17:32,957
Lord have mercy!
1955
02:17:33,078 --> 02:17:35,331
If it was an attempt
at a mercy killing,
1956
02:17:35,456 --> 02:17:37,879
why did you try
and kill yourself, as well?
1957
02:17:38,000 --> 02:17:41,630
Because God help me!
1958
02:17:41,754 --> 02:17:44,849
I have the hots
for that gorilla!
1959
02:17:44,965 --> 02:17:49,721
No woman has ever satisfied me
like she has.
1960
02:17:49,845 --> 02:17:53,224
Lord have mercy on your soul.
1961
02:17:53,348 --> 02:17:55,851
I've tried to forget her,
but I can't.
1962
02:17:55,976 --> 02:17:58,229
It's killing me.
1963
02:17:58,353 --> 02:17:59,445
I want her.
1964
02:17:59,563 --> 02:18:02,066
Yeah, I know that it's wrong.
1965
02:18:02,191 --> 02:18:03,989
Easy, kid! Easy!
1966
02:18:04,109 --> 02:18:07,033
They say that all is fair
in love and war.
1967
02:18:07,154 --> 02:18:08,872
Take it from there.
1968
02:18:08,989 --> 02:18:11,663
Sash, give him another drink.
1969
02:18:11,784 --> 02:18:14,458
I'm gonna go check on Bond.
1970
02:18:14,578 --> 02:18:17,457
Here, you tortured soul.
1971
02:18:17,581 --> 02:18:19,254
Drink this up
1972
02:18:19,374 --> 02:18:23,424
with the knowledge
that you may be the beauty
1973
02:18:23,545 --> 02:18:26,173
to soothe that savage beast.
1974
02:18:29,760 --> 02:18:33,481
Well, kid.
What's the answer?
1975
02:18:33,597 --> 02:18:36,191
You better use this.
1976
02:18:36,308 --> 02:18:39,152
I had a feeling it would come
in handy sometime.
1977
02:18:51,156 --> 02:18:54,626
Hey, take it easy,
will you, Toydy?
1978
02:18:54,743 --> 02:19:00,000
Remember, I'm used to giving it,
not getting it.
1979
02:19:01,542 --> 02:19:04,671
The slower the better,
beautiful.
1980
02:22:25,412 --> 02:22:28,131
You should really wait
at least two hours after eating
1981
02:22:28,248 --> 02:22:30,421
before indulging
in any vigorous exercise.
1982
02:22:30,542 --> 02:22:32,670
Get the hell out of here,
Chandler!
1983
02:22:32,794 --> 02:22:34,216
Not on your life, Bond.
1984
02:22:34,337 --> 02:22:37,682
I've been waiting
a long, long time for this one.
1985
02:22:37,799 --> 02:22:39,267
Here.
1986
02:22:40,510 --> 02:22:42,012
Have a whiff of this.
1987
02:22:42,137 --> 02:22:45,266
It may get you more
into the festivities.
1988
02:22:48,560 --> 02:22:51,939
You said you wanted to hear
about my wife's love life,
1989
02:22:52,064 --> 02:22:53,156
didn't you, Bond?
1990
02:22:53,273 --> 02:22:57,574
Yeah. Sure. Tell me.
1991
02:22:57,694 --> 02:23:01,790
My wife, Sarah Lou Phillips,
1992
02:23:01,907 --> 02:23:05,332
used to have me undress alone
in the living room
1993
02:23:05,452 --> 02:23:06,999
with the lights off.
1994
02:23:08,288 --> 02:23:10,586
And then she'd have me
fold myself up
1995
02:23:10,707 --> 02:23:14,132
into the Castro Convertible
that her mother had bought us.
1996
02:23:14,252 --> 02:23:17,677
And then she'd want me
to close myself in
1997
02:23:17,798 --> 02:23:19,300
like a human sardine sandwich.
1998
02:23:19,424 --> 02:23:21,142
Sound good, doesn't it, Bond?
1999
02:23:21,259 --> 02:23:22,806
Oh, yeah. Great!
2000
02:23:22,928 --> 02:23:24,271
That's great.
2001
02:23:24,387 --> 02:23:28,017
Then she'd come in,
turn on the light,
2002
02:23:28,141 --> 02:23:30,143
unfold the Castro Convertible,
2003
02:23:30,268 --> 02:23:34,239
and there'd be a parakeet
on her finger.
2004
02:23:36,233 --> 02:23:39,533
Then, when I was stiff
from all the massaging,
2005
02:23:39,653 --> 02:23:41,326
she'd have me kneel on the bed.
2006
02:23:41,446 --> 02:23:43,198
And she'd bring
the parakeet over
2007
02:23:43,323 --> 02:23:45,621
and put it on my pecker
as if it were a perch.
2008
02:23:45,742 --> 02:23:47,540
Go faster, Chandler!
Faster!
2009
02:23:47,661 --> 02:23:51,040
Hurry up. Hurry up!
I feel a punch line coming!
2010
02:23:51,164 --> 02:23:54,259
Then she'd lay on her back,
underneath my pecker,
2011
02:23:54,376 --> 02:23:57,004
lay on her back
with her mouth open.
2012
02:23:57,129 --> 02:23:58,130
Go ahead! Go ahead!
2013
02:23:58,255 --> 02:24:01,429
And then the goddamn parakeet
drops a stool into her mouth,
2014
02:24:01,550 --> 02:24:02,517
and she swallowed it!
2015
02:24:02,634 --> 02:24:03,760
-Ugh!
2016
02:24:30,120 --> 02:24:33,249
Bond!
What's the meaning of this?
2017
02:24:33,373 --> 02:24:36,923
I was just receiving
our passport out of this place.
2018
02:24:37,043 --> 02:24:39,546
If that kind of passport
sends you,
2019
02:24:39,671 --> 02:24:41,264
then I'm afraid you're
just gonna have to go along
2020
02:24:41,381 --> 02:24:42,257
without me.
2021
02:24:42,382 --> 02:24:43,850
The crate's all yours, kid!
2022
02:24:43,967 --> 02:24:45,310
I'm sorry to see you go.
2023
02:24:45,427 --> 02:24:47,475
No more sorry than I am
to see you come.
2024
02:24:47,596 --> 02:24:49,314
What crate
are you talking about?
2025
02:24:49,431 --> 02:24:51,934
There's a crate of bananas
behind the sofa.
2026
02:24:52,058 --> 02:24:55,107
Your boyfriend bargained
his butt off for that fruit.
2027
02:24:55,228 --> 02:24:56,946
It's usually
the other way around.
2028
02:24:57,063 --> 02:24:59,532
Fruits are always bargaining off
their butts for me.
2029
02:24:59,649 --> 02:25:02,653
Well, I'm glad I was here
for the historic occasion.
2030
02:25:02,777 --> 02:25:06,782
Well, Willene,
now all you and Bond have to do
2031
02:25:06,907 --> 02:25:09,501
is run out those doors
with the crate of bananas.
2032
02:25:09,618 --> 02:25:14,499
And if the gorilla follows,
then just toss him a bunch.
2033
02:25:17,000 --> 02:25:19,469
You did that for me?
2034
02:25:19,586 --> 02:25:20,963
That's no big deal.
2035
02:25:21,087 --> 02:25:22,805
Besides, I need that job.
2036
02:25:22,923 --> 02:25:24,470
I saw Toydy's naked body,
2037
02:25:24,591 --> 02:25:27,561
so don't go telling me
it wasn't any big deal.
2038
02:25:27,677 --> 02:25:30,647
There's no greater love
that a man can show a woman
2039
02:25:30,764 --> 02:25:33,392
than to give his body
to the enemy.
2040
02:25:39,105 --> 02:25:41,654
Ah, come on, Willene.
2041
02:25:41,775 --> 02:25:45,905
I had to get broken in sometime.
2042
02:25:48,323 --> 02:25:52,123
This way, if things
don't work out with you,
2043
02:25:52,244 --> 02:25:56,215
maybe something will click
with your husband.
2044
02:25:57,791 --> 02:26:01,341
It's a good thing I had it
stashed away in the attic.
2045
02:26:01,461 --> 02:26:03,680
The smell of mothballs
is stifling.
2046
02:26:03,797 --> 02:26:06,175
If you think that's strong,
wait until you smell Medusa.
2047
02:26:06,299 --> 02:26:07,926
What the hell is going on here?
2048
02:26:08,051 --> 02:26:10,645
That's my wedding dress,
Chandler.
2049
02:26:10,762 --> 02:26:13,390
There's going be a marriage
at Prairie Blossom.
2050
02:26:13,515 --> 02:26:16,314
Don't you think we'd better cut
the top off, Gert,
2051
02:26:16,434 --> 02:26:19,278
so that when she comes in, she
won't mistake him for a woman?
2052
02:26:19,396 --> 02:26:20,693
-Well, who's she?
-I'm a he.
2053
02:26:20,814 --> 02:26:23,363
I know what you are, Bing, but
who's the she that's coming in?
2054
02:26:23,483 --> 02:26:25,030
Tell me when to open the door.
2055
02:26:25,151 --> 02:26:27,199
-Open the door for who?
-The gorilla.
2056
02:26:27,320 --> 02:26:29,698
Evidently, true love
cannot be quashed
2057
02:26:29,823 --> 02:26:33,043
by religious
or traditional taboos.
2058
02:26:33,159 --> 02:26:36,379
Bing has expressed his love
for the gorilla.
2059
02:26:36,496 --> 02:26:40,501
And she, in turn, has pursued
him across four continents
2060
02:26:40,625 --> 02:26:43,128
and will not be tamed
until she gets him.
2061
02:26:43,253 --> 02:26:44,926
I can sympathize with her.
2062
02:26:46,631 --> 02:26:48,508
So, when everything is ready,
we'll all --
2063
02:26:48,633 --> 02:26:49,725
Hey, everybody!
2064
02:26:49,843 --> 02:26:52,471
There is something scraping and
snorting by the outside door.
2065
02:26:52,595 --> 02:26:55,644
That's it.
We'll all hide in the shadows,
2066
02:26:55,765 --> 02:26:58,143
and I'll go out and open
the outside door.
2067
02:26:58,268 --> 02:27:00,020
And then, when the ape sees Bing
2068
02:27:00,145 --> 02:27:03,490
standing in the brightly lit
doorway with white clothes on,
2069
02:27:03,606 --> 02:27:04,983
she'll come in.
2070
02:27:05,108 --> 02:27:06,155
And that's when we all run out!
2071
02:27:06,276 --> 02:27:08,028
What about
those goddamn bananas?
2072
02:27:08,153 --> 02:27:09,325
I've got a crate of bananas.
2073
02:27:09,446 --> 02:27:11,574
After she sees Bing,
she won't need them.
2074
02:27:11,698 --> 02:27:12,620
Bing's top banana.
2075
02:27:12,741 --> 02:27:14,334
I'll believe that when I see it.
2076
02:27:14,451 --> 02:27:18,831
The bananas can remain here
as a wedding gift, if you wish.
2077
02:27:18,955 --> 02:27:20,832
You really gave me the shaft,
Mack.
2078
02:27:20,957 --> 02:27:22,459
The pleasure was all mine.
2079
02:27:22,584 --> 02:27:23,710
And what about you, Gert?
2080
02:27:23,835 --> 02:27:25,212
Where are you going to run to?
2081
02:27:25,337 --> 02:27:27,886
I'm running nowhere.
2082
02:27:28,006 --> 02:27:29,974
It's been a long time
2083
02:27:30,091 --> 02:27:34,096
since this house
has seen happiness and love.
2084
02:27:34,220 --> 02:27:39,568
Once, these walls did echo
with the gayest of laughter.
2085
02:27:39,684 --> 02:27:46,533
But that was when my husband
was alive and my son existed.
2086
02:27:46,649 --> 02:27:53,749
It is my honor now to be hostess
to a courageous man
2087
02:27:53,865 --> 02:28:00,168
and the animal he loves and
who also shares his sentiment.
2088
02:28:00,288 --> 02:28:04,043
She's in no danger
as long as Medusa sees me first.
2089
02:28:04,167 --> 02:28:06,920
After I've given myself
to the gorilla again,
2090
02:28:07,045 --> 02:28:10,265
I expect great psychological
transformations to occur
2091
02:28:10,382 --> 02:28:12,055
in the skull of that primate.
2092
02:28:12,175 --> 02:28:13,347
You'll see.
2093
02:28:16,054 --> 02:28:17,681
Get back in there
with those others.
2094
02:28:17,806 --> 02:28:19,729
Whatever loot
she's hiding in here is mine.
2095
02:28:19,849 --> 02:28:21,522
Like hell it is.
2096
02:28:21,643 --> 02:28:24,146
If I hadn't gone in the kitchen
for that horseradish,
2097
02:28:24,270 --> 02:28:26,068
you never would have got
those keys.
2098
02:28:26,189 --> 02:28:27,862
Look, you got your horseradish
2099
02:28:27,982 --> 02:28:29,780
and you got an extra helping
of creamed gravy.
2100
02:28:29,901 --> 02:28:31,118
What the hell else do you want?
2101
02:28:31,236 --> 02:28:32,112
A chicken in every pot
2102
02:28:32,237 --> 02:28:33,830
and creamed gravy
seven nights a week.
2103
02:28:33,947 --> 02:28:35,870
I found it.
I found the key! I found it!
2104
02:28:35,990 --> 02:28:37,537
Aah!
2105
02:28:39,119 --> 02:28:41,542
You see, there's really no sense
in fighting
2106
02:28:41,663 --> 02:28:42,835
if you only live once.
2107
02:28:42,956 --> 02:28:47,177
Oh, it will be a pleasure
to cater to your honeymoon
2108
02:28:47,293 --> 02:28:50,217
with bananas, bonbons,
and a change of linens!
2109
02:28:50,338 --> 02:28:52,966
--Oh!
2110
02:28:53,091 --> 02:28:55,014
Lay low! Lay low!
2111
02:28:55,135 --> 02:28:57,433
His testicles are enormous!
2112
02:29:05,979 --> 02:29:07,196
Who was that'?!
2113
02:29:07,313 --> 02:29:10,487
He who does not exist.
2114
02:29:10,608 --> 02:29:13,202
Let me out! Let me out!
2115
02:29:13,319 --> 02:29:16,414
Let me out of here!
God have mercy!
2116
02:29:19,742 --> 02:29:22,416
Oh, my God!
It's her!
2117
02:29:22,537 --> 02:29:24,380
-The gorilla!
-She busted down the door!
2118
02:29:24,497 --> 02:29:26,044
Oh, Chandler!
What do we do?!
2119
02:29:26,166 --> 02:29:29,887
When she smashes her way in,
we'll make a dash for freedom.
2120
02:29:44,809 --> 02:29:48,734
Will you take this man to be
your lawfully wedded husband?
2121
02:29:48,855 --> 02:29:51,028
Run!
2122
02:29:51,149 --> 02:29:55,029
In sickness and in health.
2123
02:29:55,153 --> 02:30:00,375
Till death do us part.
2124
02:30:04,787 --> 02:30:07,256
I told a lie.
2125
02:30:07,373 --> 02:30:09,751
A little white lie.
2126
02:30:12,170 --> 02:30:16,471
You see, he does exist
behind this door.
2127
02:30:16,591 --> 02:30:20,812
But not out here
in the world of sanity.
2128
02:30:20,929 --> 02:30:26,231
Behold thy marriage chamber
and thy mate for eternity.
2129
02:31:28,121 --> 02:31:31,466
The parasites that have sucked
the juices from your body
2130
02:31:31,583 --> 02:31:34,462
have not all belonged
to the insect population.
2131
02:31:34,586 --> 02:31:37,806
Many shrewd businessmen
have fattened their wallets
2132
02:31:37,922 --> 02:31:42,018
by exhibiting your animalism.
2133
02:31:42,135 --> 02:31:45,230
It's not my wallet
that I want fattened.
2134
02:31:45,346 --> 02:31:47,849
It's you.
2135
02:31:47,974 --> 02:31:52,901
Fattened with our first child.
2136
02:31:53,021 --> 02:31:56,366
Our first newborn child.
2137
02:31:56,482 --> 02:32:03,161
The first of a race of supermen.
2138
02:32:14,250 --> 02:32:16,753
For God's sake have mercy!
2139
02:32:16,878 --> 02:32:19,927
God has no mercy!
2140
02:32:20,048 --> 02:32:23,018
You see what he's done
to my son!
2141
02:32:23,134 --> 02:32:28,140
Gerald had gone to Borneo to
collect some erotic artifacts.
2142
02:32:28,264 --> 02:32:32,189
That was all --
a harmless excursion
2143
02:32:32,310 --> 02:32:36,690
into the steaming tropics
in the name of art.
2144
02:32:36,814 --> 02:32:43,493
But he was smitten with a vile
and swelling tropical disorder.
2145
02:32:43,613 --> 02:32:47,789
A malignancy
of glandular grotesqueness
2146
02:32:47,909 --> 02:32:50,879
that struck at the very root
of his manhood.
2147
02:32:53,831 --> 02:32:56,880
You see him now
2148
02:32:57,001 --> 02:33:02,758
at the pinnacle of his disorder,
2149
02:33:02,882 --> 02:33:09,015
repulsive to both man
and woman alike.
2150
02:33:10,014 --> 02:33:14,360
And what is more important --
2151
02:33:14,477 --> 02:33:18,357
repulsive to himself.
2152
02:33:19,691 --> 02:33:23,195
So self-revolting,
2153
02:33:23,319 --> 02:33:28,371
his mind became unbalanced.
2154
02:33:28,991 --> 02:33:34,339
Knowing that the one thing
that made his life worth living
2155
02:33:34,455 --> 02:33:41,509
was being crushed by the weight
of his own testicles.
2156
02:33:43,673 --> 02:33:49,146
For his safety and mine
2157
02:33:49,262 --> 02:33:54,018
and for the safety
of Beulah and Pinky,
2158
02:33:54,142 --> 02:33:58,648
I had to lock him up
behind this door!
2159
02:33:59,981 --> 02:34:07,456
The weight of that malignancy
on our fragile bodies
2160
02:34:07,572 --> 02:34:14,296
would have crushed
the very life out of us.
2161
02:34:16,080 --> 02:34:19,880
You two are strong.
2162
02:34:20,001 --> 02:34:23,631
You'll survive.
2163
02:34:23,755 --> 02:34:29,387
You'll give Gerald
a taste of the sweetness
2164
02:34:29,510 --> 02:34:32,935
that was once his whole life.
2165
02:34:33,055 --> 02:34:36,605
You'll survive.
2166
02:34:36,726 --> 02:34:39,650
And I pity you!
2167
02:34:47,987 --> 02:34:49,204
The storm is over,
2168
02:34:49,322 --> 02:34:51,791
and God has given me
the sun and you
2169
02:34:51,908 --> 02:34:54,627
on this, the first morning
of our lives.
2170
02:34:54,744 --> 02:34:57,714
Now, don't you go putting
all your eggs in one basket,
2171
02:34:57,830 --> 02:34:59,082
Willene.
2172
02:34:59,207 --> 02:35:03,508
I've got my hand in your basket,
and it feels nice and firm.
2173
02:35:03,628 --> 02:35:06,507
-Yeah?
-I'm not worried about no eggs.
2174
02:35:06,631 --> 02:35:09,726
Well, just as long as you don't
go losing your marbles over me.
2175
02:35:09,842 --> 02:35:12,470
I'm young, and I'm restless.
2176
02:35:12,595 --> 02:35:13,938
And I'm not to be trusted.
2177
02:35:14,055 --> 02:35:16,808
A lot of energy in this body,
Willene,
2178
02:35:16,933 --> 02:35:20,233
and it hops around
from bed to bed like a flea.
2179
02:35:20,353 --> 02:35:22,151
To be bit by a Iovebug like me
2180
02:35:22,271 --> 02:35:24,649
could be a pretty scratchy
situation.
2181
02:35:24,774 --> 02:35:26,117
I don't care, my love.
2182
02:35:26,234 --> 02:35:29,864
All I ask is that when I start
itching, you start scratching.
2183
02:35:29,987 --> 02:35:32,581
Bond?
2184
02:35:32,698 --> 02:35:34,371
Yes?
2185
02:35:34,492 --> 02:35:35,744
I'm starting to itch.
2186
02:35:35,868 --> 02:35:37,836
Where do you want me to scratch?
2187
02:35:39,080 --> 02:35:42,675
The rain is stopping, Chandler.
2188
02:35:42,792 --> 02:35:46,672
Perhaps the road to Texas
will not be muddy.
2189
02:35:46,796 --> 02:35:50,266
Do you see that sliver
of rosy light over there?
2190
02:35:50,383 --> 02:35:52,556
That's where we're going, Sash.
2191
02:35:52,677 --> 02:35:57,148
We're getting out of the mud
and into a bed of roses.
2192
02:35:57,265 --> 02:35:59,984
That rosy light is the dawn,
Chandler.
2193
02:36:00,101 --> 02:36:02,103
Texas is to the south, not east.
2194
02:36:02,228 --> 02:36:06,153
My heart is towards the east,
towards the glow of a new day --
2195
02:36:06,274 --> 02:36:10,324
a day without vengeance
and a day without hate.
2196
02:36:10,444 --> 02:36:12,913
Will your heart lead you
to that bed of roses,
2197
02:36:13,030 --> 02:36:14,623
or are you relying on your nose?
2198
02:36:14,740 --> 02:36:17,744
I'm relying on the sign
we just passed.
2199
02:36:17,869 --> 02:36:24,252
Rose Haven Motel,
6 miles east down Route 18.
2200
02:36:24,375 --> 02:36:29,006
That's where we'll find our bed,
Sash.
2201
02:36:36,012 --> 02:36:39,892
I'm pouring myself a drink,
Charlie!
2202
02:36:40,016 --> 02:36:44,487
Only, it ain't to forget
my loneliness.
2203
02:36:44,604 --> 02:36:47,027
We have company now.
2204
02:36:47,148 --> 02:36:50,743
And the house
is full of human voices.
2205
02:36:50,860 --> 02:36:53,864
Like it was 15 years ago.
2206
02:36:57,074 --> 02:37:01,045
There are also the voices
of the inhuman
2207
02:37:01,162 --> 02:37:04,041
and those that suffer.
2208
02:37:04,165 --> 02:37:07,009
But they suffer no more.
2209
02:37:09,921 --> 02:37:11,764
Ahh!
2210
02:37:14,425 --> 02:37:20,649
Remind me to go shopping today
for some chopped meat,
2211
02:37:20,765 --> 02:37:26,067
vegetables, milk, and honey.
2212
02:37:26,187 --> 02:37:29,566
And I'll need
at least three dozen bananas
2213
02:37:29,690 --> 02:37:32,944
and some heads of lettuce.
2214
02:37:33,069 --> 02:37:36,869
And, of course, my cucumbers.
2215
02:37:36,989 --> 02:37:40,789
I mustn't forget my cucumbers.
2216
02:37:40,910 --> 02:37:44,460
People come and go,
2217
02:37:44,580 --> 02:37:49,677
but the cucumbers must stay.
2218
02:37:55,257 --> 02:37:59,933
Join me in a toast, Charlie.
2219
02:38:03,099 --> 02:38:10,108
A toast to love and happiness.
2220
02:38:10,231 --> 02:38:15,408
And to a life that won't go sour
2221
02:38:15,528 --> 02:38:21,035
and turn every cucumber
into a pickle.
2222
02:38:23,528 --> 02:38:26,035
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