subtitlecat.com

All language subtitles for The Killer Condom EN

Afrikaans Download

Albanian

Amharic

Arabic

Armenian

Azerbaijani

Basque

Belarusian

Bengali

Bosnian

Bulgarian

Catalan

Cebuano

Chichewa

Chinese (Simplified)

Chinese (Traditional)

Corsican

Croatian

Czech

Danish

Dutch Download

English Download

Esperanto

Estonian

Filipino

Finnish

French Download

Frisian

Galician

Georgian

German Download

Greek Download

Gujarati

Haitian Creole

Hausa

Hawaiian

Hebrew

Hindi

Hmong

Hungarian

Icelandic

Igbo

Indonesian

Irish

Italian

Japanese

Javanese

Kannada

Kazakh

Khmer

Korean

Kurdish (Kurmanji)

Kyrgyz

Lao

Latin

Latvian

Lithuanian

Luxembourgish

Macedonian

Malagasy

Malay

Malayalam

Maltese

Maori

Marathi

Mongolian

Myanmar (Burmese)

Nepali

Norwegian

Pashto

Persian

Polish

Portuguese

Punjabi

Romanian Download

Russian

Samoan

Scots Gaelic

Serbian

Sesotho

Shona

Sindhi

Sinhala

Slovak

Slovenian

Somali

Spanish Download

Sundanese

Swahili

Swedish

Tajik

Tamil

Telugu

Thai

Turkish

Ukrainian

Urdu

Uzbek

Vietnamese

Welsh

Xhosa

Yiddish

Yoruba

Zulu

Odia (Oriya)

Kinyarwanda

Turkmen

Tatar

Uyghur

Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:59,960 --> 00:01:02,000 Come on, Phyllis 2 00:01:09,313 --> 00:01:12,607 Where are we? I thought you were taking me home? 3 00:01:14,143 --> 00:01:15,531 Evening. What can I do for you? 4 00:01:16,058 --> 00:01:18,376 We'd like a double room 5 00:01:18,705 --> 00:01:20,859 With shower and toilet? - Yes 6 00:01:21,539 --> 00:01:23,651 Room 308. - Thanks 7 00:01:24,000 --> 00:01:25,080 Come on - But... 8 00:01:25,752 --> 00:01:27,411 Hello, Rebecca ! 9 00:01:27,712 --> 00:01:29,186 Hi, Robinson 10 00:01:30,212 --> 00:01:33,185 Got a room? Lover boy wants to show me his dick 11 00:01:34,159 --> 00:01:37,391 Excuse me for asking, but is there a... 12 00:01:38,332 --> 00:01:41,474 Where in this hotel... 13 00:01:41,875 --> 00:01:45,392 is there a contraceptive dispenser? 14 00:01:45,606 --> 00:01:48,015 There are rubbers on every bedside table 15 00:01:48,192 --> 00:01:50,388 It's part of the service 16 00:01:51,119 --> 00:01:52,354 How thoughtful 17 00:01:54,731 --> 00:01:57,566 I'm sure you're wondering what all this is about 18 00:01:58,024 --> 00:01:59,594 You see, my dear... 19 00:02:00,210 --> 00:02:04,297 I'm afraid I was lying this morning when I said you'd passed your exams 20 00:02:05,503 --> 00:02:07,699 Lying? - Yes, Phyllis 21 00:02:08,244 --> 00:02:10,287 You're 9 points short: 22 00:02:10,744 --> 00:02:13,817 4 in sociology and 5 in psychology 23 00:02:15,951 --> 00:02:19,626 - But that's terrible! - No, it isn't 24 00:02:20,091 --> 00:02:23,156 You know why? Because I'm your examiner 25 00:02:24,239 --> 00:02:26,642 You're a hard-working girl, Phyllis 26 00:02:27,171 --> 00:02:28,863 You deserve to graduate 27 00:02:30,138 --> 00:02:33,589 I'll just add 9 points to your grade. Nobody will know. 28 00:02:34,540 --> 00:02:36,355 It'll be our little secret 29 00:02:37,163 --> 00:02:39,899 But you have to do something for me 30 00:02:41,257 --> 00:02:44,080 I'm crazy for you - Vice-principal! 31 00:02:44,272 --> 00:02:47,921 I've worshipped you for years. Please take your blouse off. 32 00:02:48,606 --> 00:02:52,382 You can't imagine how long I've waited for this moment. 33 00:02:52,662 --> 00:02:55,213 The years of suffering... 34 00:02:55,808 --> 00:02:57,142 Don't touch me! 35 00:03:03,471 --> 00:03:04,600 Very well. 36 00:03:04,951 --> 00:03:07,116 I don't want to force you, 37 00:03:07,752 --> 00:03:12,105 but under the circumstances I can't help you either. 38 00:03:12,506 --> 00:03:16,379 You're parents will be very disappointed. But you wanted it that way. 39 00:03:22,125 --> 00:03:25,983 I see you're being sensible. That's good, Phyllis. 40 00:03:27,905 --> 00:03:30,436 Don't cry. Please. 41 00:03:31,547 --> 00:03:35,641 Hey, did you know that hotels give out free condoms? 42 00:03:36,860 --> 00:03:37,860 What? 43 00:03:37,861 --> 00:03:40,835 This safer sex campaign must be costing the government billions 44 00:03:45,143 --> 00:03:47,705 There... Now just lie down and relax. 45 00:03:50,280 --> 00:03:51,280 But... 46 00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:53,000 What... ? 47 00:04:09,740 --> 00:04:16,000 The Killer Condom 48 00:04:38,874 --> 00:04:41,603 This is a non-smoking elevator, you jerk! 49 00:04:43,551 --> 00:04:45,061 Stinks like an ashtray 50 00:04:56,709 --> 00:04:57,990 Morning, Detective! 51 00:05:00,360 --> 00:05:05,312 Hey, Macaroni! Some pimp over on 42nd Street put his mother in a clothes dryer 52 00:05:05,478 --> 00:05:08,196 and threw it out the window. You want the case? 53 00:05:08,408 --> 00:05:10,722 Give him a bottle of aspirin and a coffee first. 54 00:05:12,460 --> 00:05:15,998 That isn't my department. You think I'm a fireman or something? 55 00:05:16,547 --> 00:05:18,331 Damn right! Precisely! 56 00:05:19,590 --> 00:05:22,800 Well, well, well. If it isn't Mr Macaroni! 57 00:05:23,183 --> 00:05:25,619 Morning, Captain - Don't change the subject! 58 00:05:26,364 --> 00:05:29,551 If I send for you, you're to move your ass getting here. 59 00:05:29,805 --> 00:05:30,821 Is that clear? 60 00:05:31,098 --> 00:05:32,448 It's my day off, sir. 61 00:05:35,297 --> 00:05:36,270 See them? 62 00:05:37,070 --> 00:05:40,884 I thought I'd seen everything but this takes the cake! 63 00:05:41,773 --> 00:05:44,638 - Any motive? - No. One had a little coke, 64 00:05:44,809 --> 00:05:47,100 one stinks of advocaat. Nothing major 65 00:05:47,260 --> 00:05:50,129 Fact is, they bit off their clients... 66 00:05:51,484 --> 00:05:53,166 ... genitalia 67 00:05:53,565 --> 00:05:57,044 There's a line of four pricks down the lab 68 00:05:57,221 --> 00:05:59,010 but these girls are playing dumb. 69 00:05:59,311 --> 00:06:02,574 - You said four pricks? - There's a fourth girl 70 00:06:02,796 --> 00:06:06,474 She's no whore, mind. A clean kid from Oklahoma. 71 00:06:07,608 --> 00:06:10,275 There was... all that blood... 72 00:06:10,720 --> 00:06:14,080 and the p... p... penis... 73 00:06:14,180 --> 00:06:17,080 jumped on the floor... and ran under the bed. 74 00:06:17,120 --> 00:06:18,829 It's your case, Macaroni. 75 00:06:19,004 --> 00:06:22,791 I want a report on my desk by this evening, OK? 76 00:06:23,977 --> 00:06:26,194 Is sex always like that? 77 00:06:32,583 --> 00:06:35,411 Look, we've been waiting for over half an hour. 78 00:06:36,040 --> 00:06:38,073 Why are you holding our daughter? 79 00:06:38,410 --> 00:06:40,993 We're not really sure what happened. 80 00:06:41,512 --> 00:06:42,620 Oh my god... 81 00:06:43,201 --> 00:06:46,742 Is she hurt? - Don't worry. Phyllis is OK. 82 00:06:47,444 --> 00:06:50,901 It's just that the whole thing is a little delicate. You see... 83 00:06:51,062 --> 00:06:53,754 Get to the point! What happened to her? 84 00:06:54,173 --> 00:06:57,102 I don't want to worry you but... - Listen, Detective: 85 00:06:57,698 --> 00:07:02,392 We didn't fly in from Farmville Oklahoma to listen to your lame excuses. 86 00:07:02,678 --> 00:07:06,480 Either tell us what happened to her or let me speak to your superior! 87 00:07:08,048 --> 00:07:11,415 In a sleazy hotel in one of the worst areas of New York, 88 00:07:11,575 --> 00:07:14,361 your daughter bit off her college professor's penis. 89 00:07:16,949 --> 00:07:18,016 Cigarette? 90 00:07:22,951 --> 00:07:24,201 What was that? 91 00:07:25,093 --> 00:07:27,360 It's a clear-cut case: 92 00:07:28,004 --> 00:07:31,560 When we broke the door down to get in, Phyllis was on the bed screaming. 93 00:07:32,184 --> 00:07:34,416 A man was found unconscious on the floor. 94 00:07:34,710 --> 00:07:37,640 His penis was found under the bed. 95 00:07:42,155 --> 00:07:44,413 There must be some mistake. 96 00:07:45,335 --> 00:07:48,256 That isn't possible... Detective! 97 00:07:49,280 --> 00:07:53,610 It might interest you to know that this isn't anything unusual. 98 00:07:55,825 --> 00:07:59,213 Four penises bit the dust in that hotel last night. 99 00:07:59,396 --> 00:08:03,233 And a guy out on 42nd Street put his mother-in-law in a clothes dryer 100 00:08:03,407 --> 00:08:05,109 and threw it out the window. 101 00:08:05,906 --> 00:08:08,160 This is New York, sir. 102 00:08:10,114 --> 00:08:12,950 Things are a little different than in Farmville Oklahoma. 103 00:08:13,751 --> 00:08:17,676 Take Phyllis home with you. She'll only pick up bad habits here. 104 00:08:17,836 --> 00:08:21,298 You know what kids are like. They have to try everything. 105 00:08:51,417 --> 00:08:53,658 What is it people like about this city? 106 00:08:54,030 --> 00:08:58,715 I mean, some people go starry-eyed just at the mention of "New York". 107 00:08:59,026 --> 00:09:02,495 New York: The city of cities, the ultimate metropolis. 108 00:09:02,917 --> 00:09:05,840 Then they'll tell you about shitty museums and restaurants. 109 00:09:07,085 --> 00:09:11,553 I spent my childhood in Sicily on my family's run-down plot of land. 110 00:09:11,980 --> 00:09:14,846 It was quiet and peaceful and the wind blew through the trees. 111 00:09:15,460 --> 00:09:19,209 I often think about those days when I'm stuck in traffic in New York, 112 00:09:19,392 --> 00:09:21,985 caught between the pedestrians, the fumes and the busy streets. 113 00:09:22,747 --> 00:09:26,269 The streets are a stinking cesspool, a playground for perverts. 114 00:09:26,498 --> 00:09:30,942 Even good girls from Oklahoma end up biting off some guy's dick. 115 00:09:31,800 --> 00:09:34,370 As a cop, you lose touch with reality. 116 00:09:34,553 --> 00:09:36,788 You see nothing but filth and scum. 117 00:09:37,519 --> 00:09:40,286 There may well be good things in this city, 118 00:09:40,854 --> 00:09:44,209 but it's my job to rummage deep down in the dirt. 119 00:10:39,593 --> 00:10:41,834 - Hi, Luigi. - Hi, Robinson. 120 00:10:42,046 --> 00:10:43,800 Where did it happen? 121 00:10:44,110 --> 00:10:47,500 Room 308. What's with these whores, 122 00:10:47,705 --> 00:10:51,458 biting their Johns' dicks off? They live off those dicks. 123 00:10:51,622 --> 00:10:53,477 OK. Give me the key to 308. 124 00:10:54,006 --> 00:10:55,800 You'll find nothing but blood. 125 00:10:55,963 --> 00:10:58,474 There's blood everywhere. It's going to cost me a fortune. 126 00:10:58,816 --> 00:11:00,470 There's a trail of blood 127 00:11:00,990 --> 00:11:05,759 from the bed to the bathroom, and there's gobs of it up the wall! 128 00:11:06,118 --> 00:11:07,965 I can't leave it like that, can I? 129 00:11:08,686 --> 00:11:11,370 I've seen a lot of things in my time, 130 00:11:11,690 --> 00:11:14,416 but this really beats everything! 131 00:11:24,429 --> 00:11:25,801 You've still got one, haven't you? 132 00:11:35,542 --> 00:11:37,696 I'll send the D. A. the bill. What d'you think? 133 00:11:39,071 --> 00:11:41,182 Who's the boy? - What boy? 134 00:11:43,070 --> 00:11:46,440 That's Billy. Quite a good earner, that boy. 135 00:11:46,855 --> 00:11:49,312 Brings in a lot of customers. 136 00:11:49,691 --> 00:11:51,819 By the way, have you found the prick yet? 137 00:11:52,098 --> 00:11:55,273 I looked everywhere: Under the cupboards, behind the toilet. 138 00:11:55,643 --> 00:11:58,934 Quit yacking, Robinson. Give me the key. 139 00:12:00,170 --> 00:12:02,120 What do you want in there, Luigi? 140 00:12:02,363 --> 00:12:03,705 I already told you... 141 00:12:04,010 --> 00:12:07,167 Did you know the little dick-chomper was under age? 142 00:12:10,592 --> 00:12:14,159 If she hadn't bitten down so hard I'd have thought she had baby teeth. 143 00:12:26,543 --> 00:12:27,549 Loogi! 144 00:12:28,935 --> 00:12:31,436 Hi, Bob! What are you doing here? 145 00:12:32,300 --> 00:12:33,193 I'm singing. 146 00:12:33,862 --> 00:12:36,090 And I'm not Bob anymore. My name's Babette now. 147 00:12:36,888 --> 00:12:41,646 This isn't exactly Broadway, but I heard that a famous producer screws here 148 00:12:42,432 --> 00:12:47,029 He'll discover me, take me to Hollywood and I'll end up bathing in champagne. 149 00:12:47,901 --> 00:12:50,058 - Good luck. - Loogi! 150 00:12:50,910 --> 00:12:53,152 Don't call me Loogi. It's Luigi! 151 00:12:54,864 --> 00:12:58,008 - Loogi doesn't exist anymore. - I always call you Loogi! 152 00:12:59,166 --> 00:13:01,742 In our night, it drove you wild. 153 00:13:02,067 --> 00:13:03,782 But you want to forget all that. 154 00:13:04,392 --> 00:13:07,091 Exactly. And so should you, Bob. 155 00:13:07,812 --> 00:13:09,184 Don't even think about it. 156 00:13:09,672 --> 00:13:12,386 But I do! Loogi, we've got to talk! 157 00:13:14,081 --> 00:13:16,398 I didn't know we had anything to talk about. 158 00:13:17,020 --> 00:13:18,499 I'm in therapy. 159 00:13:19,940 --> 00:13:21,205 Good. And I'm on duty. 160 00:13:22,363 --> 00:13:24,329 Is that all you have to say? 161 00:13:25,412 --> 00:13:27,691 Look at me, Loogi. You made me what I am. 162 00:13:28,347 --> 00:13:31,027 My therapist says you need me. 163 00:13:31,260 --> 00:13:34,752 That you love me, but you're too proud to show me your real feelings. 164 00:13:35,417 --> 00:13:38,207 He says I remind you of your mother 165 00:13:38,467 --> 00:13:41,737 and that you are plagued by the thought of having slept with your mother. 166 00:13:42,190 --> 00:13:43,392 But Loogi... 167 00:13:43,927 --> 00:13:46,002 I'm not your mother! 168 00:13:46,187 --> 00:13:47,940 - Really? - I'm your boyfriend, 169 00:13:48,155 --> 00:13:50,934 your girlfriend, even your mother, if you want. 170 00:13:51,245 --> 00:13:54,047 Many men have sexual fantasies about their mother. 171 00:13:54,250 --> 00:13:56,802 That's Psychology 101 172 00:13:57,228 --> 00:14:01,399 - What sort of a therapist is he? - Remember how wonderful it all was... 173 00:14:01,574 --> 00:14:06,080 What are you talking about, Bob? - You showed me what sex really means. 174 00:14:08,442 --> 00:14:12,376 It was euphoria, ecstasy, passion, lust, pain and happiness! 175 00:14:13,085 --> 00:14:14,320 It was the meaning of life! 176 00:14:16,338 --> 00:14:19,585 It lasted 3 minutes maximum. I fell asleep halfway through. 177 00:14:19,746 --> 00:14:20,999 I was wrong, Bob. 178 00:14:21,759 --> 00:14:24,199 I'm not Bob anymore. My name's Babette. 179 00:14:25,812 --> 00:14:26,729 And I love you. 180 00:14:27,083 --> 00:14:27,906 Listen, Bob... 181 00:14:28,087 --> 00:14:28,932 Babette! 182 00:14:29,294 --> 00:14:30,560 OK, Babette. 183 00:14:31,631 --> 00:14:33,650 Whatever happened that night, 184 00:14:33,844 --> 00:14:36,435 I can't remember it, and I didn't want it to happen. 185 00:14:36,954 --> 00:14:39,546 You should just forget me and try to get your act together. 186 00:14:42,252 --> 00:14:43,643 You're not a transvestite... 187 00:14:44,464 --> 00:14:46,482 I look like you mother and you love me. 188 00:14:46,674 --> 00:14:48,705 My therapist told me that and it's true! 189 00:14:51,671 --> 00:14:53,562 I've got work to do, Bob. See you. 190 00:14:57,002 --> 00:14:58,739 Loogi! Who is that? 191 00:14:59,997 --> 00:15:01,263 Leave me alone. 192 00:15:01,657 --> 00:15:03,898 Are you having an affair with him? 193 00:15:04,218 --> 00:15:07,424 - I pity you. - Oh, yeah? Well I pity you! 194 00:15:07,586 --> 00:15:09,952 You're just afraid of your feelings! 195 00:15:10,112 --> 00:15:12,195 Stronger personalities intimidate you! 196 00:15:12,355 --> 00:15:14,786 You're nothing but a little Sicilian faggot! 197 00:15:15,706 --> 00:15:18,060 if you call me a faggot again, 198 00:15:18,238 --> 00:15:22,510 I'll squeeze the artificial hormones out of these pathetic tits, got it? 199 00:15:23,568 --> 00:15:24,956 Go on, hit me! 200 00:15:31,712 --> 00:15:33,603 I know you love me. 201 00:15:33,980 --> 00:15:35,281 Who was that? 202 00:15:35,773 --> 00:15:37,701 My mother. Didn't you hear? 203 00:15:38,037 --> 00:15:40,370 Are you a cop or something? 204 00:15:41,448 --> 00:15:42,607 Why? 205 00:15:43,568 --> 00:15:45,055 Don't you screw cops? 206 00:15:45,218 --> 00:15:47,929 Don't know. Never been asked before. 207 00:15:48,894 --> 00:15:50,800 So are you a cop or not? 208 00:15:53,574 --> 00:15:57,405 I have a dick like a cop, I screw like a cop, maybe I am a cop. 209 00:15:57,574 --> 00:16:01,238 Imagine I'm an insurance salesman if it turns you on. 210 00:16:44,771 --> 00:16:45,807 That's... 211 00:16:47,282 --> 00:16:48,120 That's... 212 00:16:48,291 --> 00:16:50,288 Exactly 32 centimetres. 213 00:16:53,840 --> 00:16:54,884 Hey, can we get started? 214 00:16:55,744 --> 00:16:57,879 - That's a real turn-on. - What? 215 00:16:58,611 --> 00:17:00,440 Getting laid by a cop. 216 00:17:28,327 --> 00:17:29,875 That rubber moved. 217 00:17:30,820 --> 00:17:33,240 - I swear it did! - Bullshit! 218 00:17:33,583 --> 00:17:34,533 Wait, 219 00:17:35,033 --> 00:17:36,190 I've got some myself. 220 00:17:36,548 --> 00:17:37,782 Black ones are sexier anyway. 221 00:17:38,206 --> 00:17:40,966 Does it matter? You can't feel the difference. 222 00:17:41,403 --> 00:17:42,875 I just don't trust these hotel ones. 223 00:17:51,709 --> 00:17:53,554 What was that? - Some kind of bug. 224 00:17:53,714 --> 00:17:55,085 - Really? - Yes. 225 00:17:55,245 --> 00:17:59,172 A bug? That was the rubber. It hissed at us and ran away. 226 00:17:59,332 --> 00:18:02,078 - You saw it too! - I didn't. 227 00:18:02,238 --> 00:18:05,766 - I'm not stupid. It was the rubber. - Give me my lighter, will you? 228 00:18:05,937 --> 00:18:08,506 - Where is it? - In my pants: right pocket. 229 00:18:13,331 --> 00:18:14,596 - Here. - Thanks. 230 00:18:45,437 --> 00:18:46,411 Hi Luigi. 231 00:18:47,538 --> 00:18:48,449 Hi, Sam. 232 00:18:52,339 --> 00:18:53,869 How's it hanging? 233 00:18:54,550 --> 00:18:55,663 Crookedly. 234 00:18:58,059 --> 00:18:59,929 The beast bit off my right ball. 235 00:19:00,850 --> 00:19:02,662 What? That gay guy? 236 00:19:02,905 --> 00:19:05,591 No! It was a condom, Sam. 237 00:19:06,306 --> 00:19:09,789 There is a prick-eating rubber up there in that hotel room. 238 00:19:10,224 --> 00:19:11,024 Really? 239 00:19:11,725 --> 00:19:15,782 Well it looks like one anyway. The moment you roll it on, it bites you. 240 00:19:20,301 --> 00:19:23,914 OK, Luigi. I'll tell you what I think: 241 00:19:25,121 --> 00:19:28,080 You've got involved with a drug-crazed criminal call-boy again 242 00:19:28,786 --> 00:19:31,515 who took a good bite in his frenzy. 243 00:19:31,698 --> 00:19:34,599 Or else it was some sick sado-masochistic game. 244 00:19:35,082 --> 00:19:37,517 - Something like that. - No! 245 00:19:37,800 --> 00:19:38,418 No? 246 00:19:38,419 --> 00:19:42,154 Robinson saw him running half-naked out the elevator into the street. 247 00:19:42,401 --> 00:19:43,416 He panicked. 248 00:19:43,717 --> 00:19:45,756 Have you ever seen a carnivorous condom? 249 00:19:46,210 --> 00:19:47,829 It was hell Sam. You'd have run too. 250 00:19:48,500 --> 00:19:52,000 OK, Luigi. 251 00:19:54,392 --> 00:19:56,572 Oh, sorry. I just wanted to... 252 00:19:57,348 --> 00:20:00,245 Detective Macaroni, smoking is not permitted in here. 253 00:20:00,572 --> 00:20:04,278 If you do not put it out immediately, I shall get very unpleasant. 254 00:20:05,915 --> 00:20:08,721 And that's a pill-box, not an ashtray. 255 00:20:09,552 --> 00:20:12,817 Take the blue ones this evening and the red ones in the morning. 256 00:20:14,012 --> 00:20:16,702 You've passed water. That's a good sign. 257 00:20:17,137 --> 00:20:20,522 It means you're over the worst. - Thanks, Dr Riffleson. 258 00:20:21,347 --> 00:20:23,070 That's what I'm here for. 259 00:20:28,342 --> 00:20:30,909 No, I won't! And definitely not without a rubber. 260 00:20:31,780 --> 00:20:34,357 You're so drunk you won't get a boner anyway. 261 00:20:35,077 --> 00:20:37,000 Oh yeah? I always get a hard-on. 262 00:20:38,343 --> 00:20:42,280 Are you serious? D'you really think I'm going to touch your filthy cock? 263 00:21:11,566 --> 00:21:13,118 13 pricks, Sam! 264 00:21:13,568 --> 00:21:17,493 When I was in hospital, 13 guys lost their pricks in that hotel. 265 00:21:17,681 --> 00:21:21,989 - What d'you think is going on? - How do I know? Could be anything. 266 00:21:22,173 --> 00:21:25,649 We've searched the entire hotel. There's nothing there! 267 00:21:26,014 --> 00:21:29,756 It's a condom, Sam. I'm telling you it's a goddamn condom! 268 00:21:29,921 --> 00:21:32,315 The place is full of them! 269 00:21:32,542 --> 00:21:36,020 I refuse to talk about man-eating rubbers. 270 00:21:36,188 --> 00:21:40,179 We have to talk about it, Sam! I saw it! 271 00:21:40,342 --> 00:21:43,273 It's because of that condom that I'm missing my right nut! 272 00:21:43,434 --> 00:21:45,269 And I was damn lucky too! 273 00:21:50,490 --> 00:21:53,037 There's no such thing as killer condoms. 274 00:21:53,591 --> 00:21:54,612 Really? 275 00:21:55,078 --> 00:21:56,283 Then look at this. 276 00:21:59,305 --> 00:22:00,555 What are you doing? 277 00:22:00,841 --> 00:22:02,104 Look at it, Sam. 278 00:22:03,763 --> 00:22:06,315 I've had a hard day, Macaroni. 279 00:22:06,477 --> 00:22:09,281 Spare me the sight of your genitalia. 280 00:22:09,621 --> 00:22:12,080 What do you think did this? A dust mite? 281 00:22:12,881 --> 00:22:14,219 That boy... 282 00:22:14,921 --> 00:22:16,096 It wasn't him! 283 00:22:16,599 --> 00:22:19,240 It was the condom, Sam! The condom! 284 00:22:19,844 --> 00:22:21,662 It's got 13 pricks on its conscience. 285 00:22:21,915 --> 00:22:24,751 13 pricks and one ball. 286 00:22:37,853 --> 00:22:39,896 What do you think I should be doing? 287 00:22:40,437 --> 00:22:43,014 Sending officers out to frisk condoms? 288 00:22:43,349 --> 00:22:45,024 I can see the headlines now: 289 00:22:45,247 --> 00:22:48,682 "Police Hunt for Crazed Contraceptive. " 290 00:22:48,864 --> 00:22:52,234 That's OK, Sam. You keep on doing what you always do: nothing! 291 00:22:53,074 --> 00:22:55,514 I'll just have to deal with this psycho myself. 292 00:22:56,652 --> 00:22:57,923 That's not bad: 293 00:22:58,474 --> 00:23:01,158 "One on One: Cop vs. Condom. " 294 00:23:05,166 --> 00:23:09,421 If someone had told me about biting rubbers 3 weeks ago, 295 00:23:09,595 --> 00:23:13,758 I'd have said he was nuts. Now I have no problem with the idea. 296 00:23:14,451 --> 00:23:17,943 We are constantly being confronted by new concepts: 297 00:23:18,128 --> 00:23:19,471 "Internet", "cyberspace", 298 00:23:20,131 --> 00:23:23,379 "BSE", "high-risk groups", "Take That". 299 00:23:23,759 --> 00:23:26,335 Why not "killer condom"? 300 00:23:27,499 --> 00:23:30,884 I order them from a wholesaler in Queens. 301 00:23:32,073 --> 00:23:34,055 Why? Is there something wrong with them? 302 00:23:35,626 --> 00:23:38,277 These rubbers aren't wrapped individually. 303 00:23:38,546 --> 00:23:40,400 That's why they're so cheap! 304 00:23:41,114 --> 00:23:44,280 Did all the incidents happen in the same room? 305 00:23:44,547 --> 00:23:46,427 It began in 308. 306 00:23:46,792 --> 00:23:49,296 But after the sixth guy lost his pecker 307 00:23:49,460 --> 00:23:51,959 I stopped giving the key out. 308 00:23:52,200 --> 00:23:53,616 And it moved to 309! 309 00:23:54,257 --> 00:23:56,890 That boy I was with... 310 00:23:57,050 --> 00:24:00,071 - The one who bit your ball off? - He didn't! 311 00:24:00,232 --> 00:24:02,421 - But the cops said... - Bullshit! 312 00:24:03,045 --> 00:24:04,202 Have you seen him again? 313 00:24:04,454 --> 00:24:05,773 He hasn't come back. 314 00:24:06,992 --> 00:24:08,761 Loogi! You're out of the hospital! 315 00:24:10,078 --> 00:24:11,243 Looks like it. 316 00:24:11,845 --> 00:24:13,632 I was so worried about you 317 00:24:14,376 --> 00:24:16,430 - Please, Bob... - It's Babette! 318 00:24:17,010 --> 00:24:20,524 What did that little bastard do to you? Is your dick OK? 319 00:24:21,861 --> 00:24:22,959 It's gone. 320 00:24:25,842 --> 00:24:27,090 Oh my God. I'm so sorry. 321 00:24:27,510 --> 00:24:29,993 That's OK. There's more important things than sex. 322 00:24:30,251 --> 00:24:32,040 Sam said it was one ball... 323 00:24:32,801 --> 00:24:36,011 It bit the dick too. Now it's in some hospital trash can. 324 00:24:36,638 --> 00:24:37,812 That's terrible... 325 00:24:38,437 --> 00:24:39,505 I feel so sorry for you... 326 00:24:40,441 --> 00:24:43,308 It must have been horrible... 327 00:24:45,851 --> 00:24:48,115 You're lying. What's that in your pants? 328 00:24:49,446 --> 00:24:50,635 The bandage. 329 00:24:52,625 --> 00:24:55,554 Very funny! But you won't get rid of me that easily. 330 00:24:56,603 --> 00:24:57,580 See you, Bob. 331 00:24:58,102 --> 00:24:59,851 It's Babette. Babette! 332 00:25:18,442 --> 00:25:21,400 For a moment I thought about going to see Billy. 333 00:25:21,583 --> 00:25:23,401 I couldn't get him out of my head, 334 00:25:23,571 --> 00:25:26,677 Even though I'm not sentimental. 335 00:25:27,706 --> 00:25:30,265 I don't kid myself about love anymore. 336 00:25:30,471 --> 00:25:33,793 I mean, what is love? It all boils down to sex anyway. 337 00:25:34,901 --> 00:25:35,755 It's not about me, 338 00:25:36,517 --> 00:25:39,140 but this enormous thing between my legs. 339 00:25:39,613 --> 00:25:40,680 Still, 340 00:25:41,267 --> 00:25:43,158 I sometimes long for something else. 341 00:25:43,638 --> 00:25:44,904 A little warmth. 342 00:25:45,413 --> 00:25:48,135 Someone who's there when you come home. 343 00:25:53,878 --> 00:25:55,160 Am I disturbing you? -What? 344 00:25:57,225 --> 00:25:58,674 No, I... 345 00:25:59,893 --> 00:26:01,387 I'm a little... 346 00:26:01,764 --> 00:26:04,737 - I can go if you like. - No, it's OK. Come in. 347 00:26:14,272 --> 00:26:16,056 So why are you here? 348 00:26:18,038 --> 00:26:20,592 If we... I mean... 349 00:26:21,015 --> 00:26:24,678 If it hadn't been for that condom... 350 00:26:24,988 --> 00:26:26,910 and we'd... well, you know... - What then? 351 00:26:27,094 --> 00:26:29,397 - I wouldn't have charged you. - Oh yeah? 352 00:26:29,683 --> 00:26:31,256 I don't charge if I enjoy it. 353 00:26:32,706 --> 00:26:36,263 It's your job. You live off that shit. I'd have given you a few dollars for it. 354 00:26:37,596 --> 00:26:39,110 If you want... 355 00:26:39,794 --> 00:26:41,349 I'd like to see you again sometime. 356 00:26:43,888 --> 00:26:44,803 Well... 357 00:26:46,154 --> 00:26:47,920 My nut needs R&R at the moment. 358 00:26:48,286 --> 00:26:50,875 I don't mean sex. We could... - Do what? 359 00:26:51,757 --> 00:26:53,681 Go dancing? Hold hands? 360 00:26:54,005 --> 00:26:56,808 Exchange perfumed love letters? - Well... 361 00:26:56,970 --> 00:26:57,832 Listen, kid: 362 00:26:58,237 --> 00:27:00,683 I'm too old for this sort of thing. 363 00:27:01,186 --> 00:27:03,333 I've given up on great love stories. 364 00:27:03,660 --> 00:27:06,206 - But I only wanted to... - Precisely! 365 00:27:07,307 --> 00:27:08,786 You're hot stuff, Billy. 366 00:27:09,670 --> 00:27:11,851 But I'm tired of burning my fingers. 367 00:27:12,883 --> 00:27:15,220 We can have another go when I'm better. 368 00:27:15,427 --> 00:27:16,728 But that's all, OK? 369 00:27:19,364 --> 00:27:20,401 OK... 370 00:27:21,019 --> 00:27:22,330 I'm out of here. 371 00:27:27,125 --> 00:27:28,506 You're pretty cool, aren't you? 372 00:27:29,731 --> 00:27:31,515 I've been through too much shit. 373 00:27:32,689 --> 00:27:33,833 I'm sorry. 374 00:27:34,702 --> 00:27:35,861 Now go. 375 00:28:09,243 --> 00:28:13,304 How d'you like that, you filthy queen? - Not bad. I've had better. 376 00:28:13,871 --> 00:28:16,756 I don't want to watch two psychos getting it off. 377 00:28:18,125 --> 00:28:21,774 What's the point? - Shut up, I�m trying to concentrate. 378 00:28:22,244 --> 00:28:26,329 I want to hit you. How much is that? - A dollar per slap with the hand, 379 00:28:26,803 --> 00:28:30,447 2 dollars with a belt or whip, and it's cheaper by the dozen. 380 00:28:30,625 --> 00:28:31,434 Damn! 381 00:28:32,379 --> 00:28:34,436 That's Bob! - That's Babette. 382 00:28:35,764 --> 00:28:36,680 Babette? 383 00:28:37,108 --> 00:28:39,291 Do you see that? It's Bob! 384 00:28:39,985 --> 00:28:41,527 What's he doing? 385 00:28:42,049 --> 00:28:45,000 That's disgusting! I don't believe it! 386 00:28:45,326 --> 00:28:47,599 This guy used to be a cop, and now... 387 00:28:48,029 --> 00:28:51,342 That's gross! - The rubber moved. 388 00:28:52,151 --> 00:28:55,845 - Is that all you can say? That's Bob in there! 389 00:28:56,005 --> 00:28:59,423 Pull yourself together, Sam! Yes, it's Bob alright. But so what? 390 00:29:00,060 --> 00:29:03,785 I bet that condom on the bedside table is about to show us it's teeth! 391 00:29:05,877 --> 00:29:07,889 How do you like that, slut? 392 00:29:08,464 --> 00:29:11,546 Let me down. I can't put the rubber on from up here. 393 00:29:11,881 --> 00:29:14,646 I'm a pig! A filthy piece of shit! 394 00:29:15,032 --> 00:29:16,187 OK, forget it. 395 00:29:17,602 --> 00:29:19,770 You chase rubbers. 396 00:29:19,956 --> 00:29:22,519 I'm going to solve this my way: In the office. 397 00:29:27,578 --> 00:29:30,555 Hey! I just got a new delivery of rubbers. 398 00:29:30,732 --> 00:29:33,602 You want to check them? - Shut up! 399 00:29:38,392 --> 00:29:39,156 Bye. 400 00:29:39,344 --> 00:29:41,676 I'm a lowdown little faggot! 401 00:29:42,257 --> 00:29:43,627 Say I'm a lowdown little faggot! 402 00:29:45,435 --> 00:29:49,375 - I'm a lowdown little faggot. - Not you, me! I'm the lowdown little faggot! 403 00:29:49,537 --> 00:29:50,689 Say it! 404 00:29:51,505 --> 00:29:52,644 You're a lowdown... 405 00:29:52,809 --> 00:29:54,446 Now get on with it! 406 00:29:55,522 --> 00:29:57,870 I'm a pig! I'm a pile of shit! 407 00:29:58,557 --> 00:30:00,822 I'm a filthy pig! 408 00:30:02,671 --> 00:30:03,611 Take it off! 409 00:30:03,771 --> 00:30:06,820 - What? - Take the rubber off your knob! Quickly! 410 00:30:06,987 --> 00:30:08,408 - Don't shoot. - Shut up! 411 00:30:15,514 --> 00:30:17,416 Good, now drop it. C'mon! 412 00:30:30,411 --> 00:30:32,370 Shit. Must've been a normal condom. 413 00:30:33,153 --> 00:30:35,216 Sorry to disturb you. 414 00:30:35,683 --> 00:30:37,076 Do carry on. 415 00:30:38,289 --> 00:30:40,692 And don't use that one. There's a hole in it. 416 00:30:41,570 --> 00:30:45,290 Are you nuts? Are you completely out of your mind? 417 00:30:45,450 --> 00:30:47,472 I'm doing my job! - I'm a filthy pig... 418 00:30:47,632 --> 00:30:49,305 - A dirty pig. - Shut up! 419 00:31:20,236 --> 00:31:21,385 Where is it? 420 00:31:32,141 --> 00:31:33,279 Out of the way! 421 00:31:45,501 --> 00:31:46,848 That's a cock! 422 00:31:54,718 --> 00:31:55,845 Congratulations! 423 00:31:56,171 --> 00:31:59,045 Great job! I'm dead impressed with your work! 424 00:31:59,416 --> 00:32:02,255 Maybe they got the story from Robinson or some whore. 425 00:32:02,664 --> 00:32:06,781 I know who tipped the press off: A former policeman called Bob Miller. 426 00:32:07,045 --> 00:32:09,519 who works in that brothel 427 00:32:09,760 --> 00:32:13,040 as a bar slut and curbside hooker! - I've seen it, sir. 428 00:32:13,298 --> 00:32:17,000 It's some kinda goddamn animal. We should take the hotel apart. 429 00:32:17,323 --> 00:32:19,035 I didn't hear that! 430 00:32:19,454 --> 00:32:22,552 I think we've made big enough fools of ourselves as it is 431 00:32:22,886 --> 00:32:25,131 Dick McGouvern's visiting us tomorrow. 432 00:32:25,315 --> 00:32:27,880 I don't want him to see a police force, 433 00:32:28,325 --> 00:32:30,960 that nobody takes seriously anymore 434 00:32:31,133 --> 00:32:33,598 because it's looking for a killer condom! 435 00:32:34,605 --> 00:32:37,680 Then give me permission to investigate on my own, sir. 436 00:32:37,962 --> 00:32:39,555 No, Macaroni. 437 00:32:39,756 --> 00:32:42,714 Forget it! You're to keep your hands off it! 438 00:32:43,194 --> 00:32:45,160 - I can't. - What? 439 00:32:45,863 --> 00:32:48,790 I come from an ancient Sicilian family. 440 00:32:50,501 --> 00:32:53,894 Nobody bites off a Macaroni's jewels and gets away with it. 441 00:32:54,287 --> 00:32:55,881 Nothing and nobody. 442 00:32:56,226 --> 00:32:57,941 I'm warning you, Macaroni: 443 00:32:58,112 --> 00:33:01,360 If you chase rubbers in that hotel one more time 444 00:33:01,934 --> 00:33:03,879 I'm taking your badge away. 445 00:33:04,050 --> 00:33:05,030 Is that clear? 446 00:33:09,973 --> 00:33:12,434 If this costs me my promotion, 447 00:33:12,594 --> 00:33:15,068 you won't need a killer condom to get castrated! 448 00:33:24,296 --> 00:33:25,612 What�s that? 449 00:33:31,452 --> 00:33:32,722 I'm talking to you. 450 00:33:35,439 --> 00:33:37,138 What does this mean? 451 00:33:38,065 --> 00:33:40,240 I've issued an arrest warrant. 452 00:33:40,562 --> 00:33:42,666 He chewed your plums. 453 00:33:42,837 --> 00:33:45,787 Who knows what he'll do to his next client. 454 00:33:46,185 --> 00:33:48,759 Are you all deaf or something? 455 00:33:49,983 --> 00:33:51,680 Billy's clean! 456 00:33:52,162 --> 00:33:54,247 And you can let the hookers go too. 457 00:33:54,477 --> 00:33:57,496 That damn condom is out there somewhere, 458 00:33:58,089 --> 00:34:02,032 and if someone doesn't do something we'll have more pricks on our hands! 459 00:34:09,260 --> 00:34:10,360 OK, OK... 460 00:34:11,110 --> 00:34:12,000 I'll... 461 00:34:13,000 --> 00:34:14,400 Fine... 462 00:34:14,960 --> 00:34:15,440 I'll... 463 00:34:22,985 --> 00:34:25,281 Maybe they were right. 464 00:34:25,523 --> 00:34:27,608 Maybe I do need a vacation. 465 00:34:29,632 --> 00:34:33,183 So what if this thing strikes again. It's not my problem. 466 00:34:36,077 --> 00:34:38,618 And Billy? What do I want with a call-boy? 467 00:34:39,132 --> 00:34:42,065 A guy who bares his ass to anyone for a few bucks? 468 00:34:48,503 --> 00:34:51,007 - What's going on here? - Hello, detective. 469 00:34:51,361 --> 00:34:52,160 Well? 470 00:34:52,320 --> 00:34:54,697 - We're looking for the boy. - But he isn't here. 471 00:34:55,319 --> 00:34:57,471 Seems to have left in a hurry. 472 00:34:57,812 --> 00:34:59,254 Did Sam Hanks order this search? 473 00:35:00,085 --> 00:35:00,912 Yeah. 474 00:35:01,111 --> 00:35:04,729 Sir, he said we should find that hustler... The one that bit off... 475 00:35:05,017 --> 00:35:06,521 your ball. 476 00:35:07,723 --> 00:35:10,003 It's been sorted out, now clear off. 477 00:35:10,720 --> 00:35:13,640 - But we're not finished. - Clear off! I'm dealing with it. 478 00:35:47,860 --> 00:35:51,764 Hi, Billy. It's Jack. You know, from the newspaper ad. 479 00:35:52,154 --> 00:35:55,426 I just wanted to say you were great. Give us a call. 480 00:35:55,780 --> 00:35:58,474 But not on the weekend because of my wife. Bye! 481 00:36:00,341 --> 00:36:04,030 Hi, This is Robert. Can I see you again? I really fancy your sweet ass. 482 00:36:05,222 --> 00:36:07,885 Hi, Billy, it's Carl. How are you doing? 483 00:36:08,226 --> 00:36:10,748 Like to go for a coffee some time? 484 00:36:11,278 --> 00:36:15,558 I've thought about my sexual fantasies. Can we meet? 485 00:36:16,058 --> 00:36:19,664 I've bought myself an army uniform. Give me a call. Bye! 486 00:36:23,267 --> 00:36:27,644 I felt like an idiot. What the hell did I want with the boy? 487 00:36:28,362 --> 00:36:32,349 Instead of dreaming about romantic love I should be out there solving the case. 488 00:36:34,368 --> 00:36:36,746 Sure, New York can get damn cold sometimes. 489 00:36:37,082 --> 00:36:41,130 But I'm Sicilian. I don't need this emotional crap. 490 00:36:42,339 --> 00:36:44,513 If I think about it, I don't even need sex. 491 00:36:53,580 --> 00:36:56,828 I watch a porno video, have a relaxed jerk-off and take a shower. 492 00:36:56,996 --> 00:36:59,474 What more do I need? 493 00:37:09,234 --> 00:37:10,908 That's all I need. 494 00:37:17,900 --> 00:37:19,639 Come out, Macaroni! 495 00:37:27,045 --> 00:37:29,432 Are you nuts? What do you want? 496 00:37:29,635 --> 00:37:31,869 I want you to get out of the bath and sleep with me. 497 00:37:32,787 --> 00:37:34,646 Are you out of your mind? 498 00:37:35,083 --> 00:37:36,304 Throw the goddamn knife away! 499 00:37:36,471 --> 00:37:37,272 No! 500 00:37:37,585 --> 00:37:38,819 You want to kill me or something? 501 00:37:39,941 --> 00:37:41,784 - Throw the knife away! - Shut up! 502 00:37:46,629 --> 00:37:47,444 OK, OK. Listen Bob... 503 00:37:48,226 --> 00:37:49,096 Babette! 504 00:37:49,386 --> 00:37:51,733 Listen, I don't know what your therapist said... 505 00:37:51,893 --> 00:37:53,923 Bullshit! I know what I want. 506 00:37:54,144 --> 00:37:55,543 I want you, and you want me. 507 00:37:55,860 --> 00:37:57,439 Do you really believe... ? 508 00:37:59,927 --> 00:38:01,344 What was that? - Don't try it. 509 00:38:02,415 --> 00:38:04,200 You've brought the goddamn condom! 510 00:38:04,440 --> 00:38:06,153 Of course I've brought condoms. 511 00:38:06,922 --> 00:38:09,244 - Where did you get them? - The hotel. They've got plenty. 512 00:38:10,387 --> 00:38:13,160 Babette, you've brought the killer condom! 513 00:38:18,190 --> 00:38:20,272 Now stay cool. 514 00:38:20,931 --> 00:38:24,742 Forget our affair. Let's deal with this first. 515 00:38:27,618 --> 00:38:29,011 I don't believe you. 516 00:38:37,555 --> 00:38:38,884 Stay cool, Babette. 517 00:39:01,318 --> 00:39:03,694 Are you crazy? That's real crocodile leather! 518 00:39:25,636 --> 00:39:26,459 Damn! 519 00:39:26,689 --> 00:39:28,869 - What was it? - The killer condom. 520 00:39:29,092 --> 00:39:32,311 My God, it was after your prick! And it was in my handbag! 521 00:39:32,495 --> 00:39:34,338 Shut up and help me. 522 00:39:37,156 --> 00:39:39,529 It was all so terrible... Forgive me... 523 00:39:40,924 --> 00:39:42,516 I only wanted... 524 00:39:42,944 --> 00:39:44,613 Come here, you bastard. 525 00:40:29,358 --> 00:40:30,997 Are you there, Bob? 526 00:40:31,468 --> 00:40:32,953 The name's Babette. 527 00:40:33,167 --> 00:40:36,194 OK, Bob... Babette. You've got to help me. 528 00:40:36,361 --> 00:40:39,067 - Give me that hose behind you. - What hose? 529 00:40:39,635 --> 00:40:44,118 The hose behind the stove. Connect it to the gas and give it to me. 530 00:40:48,108 --> 00:40:49,806 What are you waiting for? 531 00:40:52,056 --> 00:40:54,543 - I'm sorry. - Forget it. 532 00:40:54,967 --> 00:40:55,947 Just help me. 533 00:40:59,124 --> 00:41:01,872 You know... I thought about you all night and... 534 00:41:02,127 --> 00:41:03,726 That's touching, 535 00:41:03,886 --> 00:41:06,994 but if you don't hurry, we'll never get this thing. Understand?! 536 00:41:07,154 --> 00:41:08,815 Don't shout at me! 537 00:41:15,945 --> 00:41:18,639 - You got it? - Yes, I've got it. 538 00:41:19,115 --> 00:41:21,294 OK, get in position. 539 00:41:25,776 --> 00:41:26,710 Ready? 540 00:41:27,169 --> 00:41:28,026 Ready. 541 00:41:33,610 --> 00:41:34,514 Come on. 542 00:41:36,589 --> 00:41:38,441 Time for din-din. 543 00:41:44,040 --> 00:41:46,360 I'd get castration anxiety if I were you. 544 00:41:47,260 --> 00:41:49,724 I'd penis envy if I were you. 545 00:41:56,134 --> 00:41:57,244 Come and get it. 546 00:41:58,059 --> 00:41:59,804 Nice penis... 547 00:42:00,477 --> 00:42:01,916 Yum, yum! 548 00:42:17,821 --> 00:42:18,633 Turn it on! 549 00:42:21,112 --> 00:42:21,959 Turn it on! 550 00:42:22,119 --> 00:42:23,348 OK! It's coming. 551 00:42:26,367 --> 00:42:27,480 Right, that's enough. 552 00:42:29,443 --> 00:42:31,568 How d'you like that, you bastard? 553 00:42:33,674 --> 00:42:34,879 I said that's enough, Bob. 554 00:42:35,083 --> 00:42:36,105 It won't go off! 555 00:42:36,320 --> 00:42:38,771 Turn the damn gas off, Bob! 556 00:42:43,360 --> 00:42:47,073 - Turn the gas off! - You'll have to fix the faucet first. 557 00:42:47,233 --> 00:42:50,582 - Look at it, Bob ! - I can't help it... 558 00:42:54,730 --> 00:42:56,512 So what is it, Wilma? 559 00:42:56,889 --> 00:42:59,638 It's made of human epithelial cells 560 00:42:59,880 --> 00:43:02,453 underlaid with peritropic membranes. 561 00:43:02,714 --> 00:43:05,774 Although it looks like normal rubber, 562 00:43:06,760 --> 00:43:09,791 it's actually a complex organism 563 00:43:09,959 --> 00:43:12,898 with a subcutaneous layer of chitin. 564 00:43:15,985 --> 00:43:18,250 It has everything it needs: 565 00:43:18,936 --> 00:43:21,018 Microscopic nerves... 566 00:43:21,385 --> 00:43:24,742 a mass of brain tissue spread evenly throughout the body... 567 00:43:26,676 --> 00:43:27,916 That's disgusting. 568 00:43:28,789 --> 00:43:29,906 It's teeth... 569 00:43:30,320 --> 00:43:33,300 are sharp as razor blades, but apparently flexible. 570 00:43:34,616 --> 00:43:37,785 So what does it mean? Is it some kind of animal, or what? 571 00:43:38,241 --> 00:43:42,243 Hard to say. it isn't really an animal because it doesn't eat the dicks. 572 00:43:42,437 --> 00:43:44,187 No guts. 573 00:43:44,785 --> 00:43:49,001 It gets the energy for forward motion from its own body cells. 574 00:43:49,626 --> 00:43:51,004 It's artificial. 575 00:43:53,031 --> 00:43:55,801 Artificial? You mean someone made that thing? 576 00:43:56,457 --> 00:43:57,786 Probably. 577 00:43:57,967 --> 00:44:01,493 I'd say it was a cross between a giant worm, a jellyfish and a piranha. 578 00:44:02,382 --> 00:44:05,562 Geneticists make a new discovery every few weeks. 579 00:44:05,860 --> 00:44:08,588 Only recently an ancient professor 580 00:44:08,748 --> 00:44:10,940 won the Columbus Prize for his work. 581 00:44:11,207 --> 00:44:14,156 All I can say is: Consult an expert. 582 00:44:15,150 --> 00:44:18,971 I prefer conventional cases like the guy behind you. 583 00:44:19,284 --> 00:44:23,716 His 400-pound girlfriend suffocated him when she sat on his face. 584 00:44:24,798 --> 00:44:28,731 Was it sex or murder? She's playing innocent. 585 00:44:29,235 --> 00:44:32,838 But luckily he got some pubic hairs in his mouth. 586 00:44:32,998 --> 00:44:35,232 Thanks for your help, Wilma. 587 00:44:36,333 --> 00:44:39,491 Look at this! It's full of pubes! 588 00:44:40,528 --> 00:44:42,753 We should show it to the professor. 589 00:44:43,089 --> 00:44:46,140 Luigi, I'm sorry I didn't believe you. 590 00:44:46,731 --> 00:44:49,115 That's OK. I wouldn't have either. 591 00:44:49,283 --> 00:44:53,101 - But I don't like how you treated Billy. - The boy's a hustler! 592 00:44:53,301 --> 00:44:55,944 He steals and he does drugs. 593 00:44:56,105 --> 00:45:00,182 - A little grass... - Was he really so good that you want to marry him? 594 00:45:00,425 --> 00:45:04,134 You can do a darn sight better than sticking money up his ass. 595 00:45:04,504 --> 00:45:06,034 You're a real man! 596 00:45:06,310 --> 00:45:08,637 Women adore you! You should give it a try. 597 00:45:08,805 --> 00:45:12,044 Quit bugging me, Sam! I'm not interested in women. 598 00:45:12,222 --> 00:45:14,892 I like firm male asses, not pissflaps. 599 00:45:15,059 --> 00:45:17,760 And let's get this clear: I want to be tolerated! 600 00:45:18,219 --> 00:45:21,173 To be accepted and understood! Got it? 601 00:45:22,050 --> 00:45:24,720 OK, OK... 602 00:45:24,848 --> 00:45:27,971 Serious? You'll never say that shit again? 603 00:45:28,386 --> 00:45:31,845 I'll never mention it again. Promise. 604 00:45:32,720 --> 00:45:35,000 OK. 605 00:45:55,869 --> 00:46:00,578 I've lived in this town for 20 years. I still don't know if it's right for me. 606 00:46:01,598 --> 00:46:03,742 Sure, I had to leave Sicily back then. 607 00:46:04,599 --> 00:46:07,873 If I'd stayed, I'd be the Macaroni family butcher now 608 00:46:08,104 --> 00:46:11,257 spending all my days turning donkeys into salami. 609 00:46:11,470 --> 00:46:15,414 My only leisure activity would be shooting birds with a shotgun. 610 00:46:18,283 --> 00:46:19,431 Mama! 611 00:46:20,107 --> 00:46:24,845 She really wants a Sicilian wedding. Of course the bride must be a virgin. 612 00:46:26,617 --> 00:46:29,801 OK, so I've got myself a career in New York. 613 00:46:30,220 --> 00:46:32,746 I've worked my way up to detective. 614 00:46:33,193 --> 00:46:37,272 Even so, Mama wouldn't be very happy if she knew how I live my life. 615 00:46:47,439 --> 00:46:49,597 And me? Am I happy? 616 00:49:04,041 --> 00:49:05,250 America 617 00:49:05,954 --> 00:49:09,459 must regain its values, 618 00:49:10,801 --> 00:49:12,592 it's belief in God 619 00:49:13,318 --> 00:49:15,543 and it's morals. 620 00:49:22,383 --> 00:49:24,331 I want to take office 621 00:49:24,932 --> 00:49:27,871 to heal our society again. 622 00:49:28,779 --> 00:49:32,044 I want people to realize 623 00:49:32,365 --> 00:49:36,283 what a wonderful country God has given us. 624 00:49:36,574 --> 00:49:40,523 In order to thank him for this 625 00:49:41,135 --> 00:49:45,684 we must make this country strong again. 626 00:49:52,240 --> 00:49:55,133 Each of us who has healthy hands 627 00:49:55,746 --> 00:49:58,197 is called upon to do his share. 628 00:49:59,800 --> 00:50:01,008 We've had enough! 629 00:50:01,334 --> 00:50:05,323 Enough of scandals, drugs and perversity! 630 00:50:05,777 --> 00:50:09,755 We stand for the politics of order 631 00:50:10,245 --> 00:50:12,633 and of peace. 632 00:50:13,513 --> 00:50:14,572 United! 633 00:50:14,923 --> 00:50:17,577 For a clean America! 634 00:50:35,865 --> 00:50:38,537 - What is this? - Buy your own! 635 00:50:38,698 --> 00:50:42,240 I don't see why everyone here should help themselves to my make-up. 636 00:50:42,400 --> 00:50:44,980 Look what you've done! I'm on in a moment. 637 00:50:49,981 --> 00:50:51,303 Hi, Babette. 638 00:50:55,858 --> 00:50:57,771 I was just passing... 639 00:50:58,174 --> 00:50:59,412 So I thought I'd stop by... 640 00:50:59,795 --> 00:51:03,451 See how you were doing after that nightmare. 641 00:51:04,399 --> 00:51:07,843 We've both seen a lot as policemen... I mean we've been through things... 642 00:51:08,195 --> 00:51:11,916 But that was something else! 643 00:51:14,523 --> 00:51:16,863 And I... I just wanted to thank you. You were real cool. 644 00:51:17,023 --> 00:51:18,676 - Is that for me? - Yes... 645 00:51:19,608 --> 00:51:22,970 Tamara, darling: Would you open it? My nails aren't dry yet. 646 00:51:27,866 --> 00:51:29,634 You know what used to be here? 647 00:51:31,031 --> 00:51:32,714 - What? - A church. 648 00:51:34,490 --> 00:51:38,240 - And what does that mean? - Don't ask me. You're the cop! 649 00:51:39,343 --> 00:51:41,639 It's a travel iron. 650 00:51:49,355 --> 00:51:53,645 You have so many clothes now. I thought that if you ever went on tour... 651 00:51:53,805 --> 00:51:54,574 Thanks. 652 00:51:55,133 --> 00:51:57,563 I hadn't expected such a romantic present. 653 00:51:57,919 --> 00:52:00,539 - I can exchange it... - No. 654 00:52:01,355 --> 00:52:04,416 It's really lovely. 655 00:52:05,182 --> 00:52:06,123 Honestly. 656 00:52:06,781 --> 00:52:09,910 Now my stuff won't get wrinkled. Thanks a lot. 657 00:52:12,389 --> 00:52:15,511 I'll be off, then. 658 00:52:16,062 --> 00:52:19,109 Well I'm busy too. I'm on in a bit. 659 00:52:20,446 --> 00:52:22,344 - See you, Bob. - Babette! 660 00:52:24,706 --> 00:52:25,711 Of course: Babette. 661 00:52:43,844 --> 00:52:45,193 Hey Luigi! Did you see? 662 00:52:45,354 --> 00:52:47,615 That boy that bit your ball off... 663 00:52:47,775 --> 00:52:50,760 - What room is he in? - 302. Should I call him? 664 00:52:57,554 --> 00:52:59,120 Hi, Billy! Are you guys still following me? 665 00:52:59,423 --> 00:53:02,240 I'm not following you. I just want to talk. 666 00:53:02,805 --> 00:53:04,075 I'm busy. 667 00:53:04,886 --> 00:53:06,946 - Wait downstairs for me. - Not now! 668 00:53:08,198 --> 00:53:09,637 OK. I'll be down at the bar. 669 00:53:47,597 --> 00:53:49,765 Hey, what are you playing at? 670 00:54:11,372 --> 00:54:12,910 Damn place is full of crazies! 671 00:54:40,920 --> 00:54:45,920 Now it's going up again! - Up, down... - I wish they'd make up their minds. 672 00:55:04,561 --> 00:55:07,794 - Yes, here in the elevator! - How do I know? 673 00:55:09,164 --> 00:55:12,887 It isn't coming down anymore! I'm damned if I'm walking! 674 00:56:06,008 --> 00:56:08,147 What's going on? 675 00:56:08,400 --> 00:56:12,262 - Hey, Robinson! Your brothel's falling apart, man! - Shut up! 676 00:56:48,180 --> 00:56:49,120 Well done. 677 00:56:51,000 --> 00:56:52,800 Yeah. Well done! 678 00:57:15,526 --> 00:57:19,293 It gets worse every night. I hardly know where to put them all, 679 00:57:19,679 --> 00:57:20,924 but you can see that yourself. 680 00:57:21,092 --> 00:57:24,661 - Detective Macaroni? - Bulowski. Frank Bulowski. 681 00:57:42,279 --> 00:57:46,801 I was tired. I couldn't work it out. Couldn't put the pieces together. 682 00:57:47,752 --> 00:57:51,288 Every morning when I wake up, it all seems like a bad nightmare. 683 00:57:51,891 --> 00:57:55,809 But then I reach for my groin and face the absurd facts once more. 684 00:58:04,282 --> 00:58:08,390 I now realize just how lucky I am that the condom only got my nut. 685 00:58:08,862 --> 00:58:11,189 I mean, what can a man do in New York 686 00:58:11,385 --> 00:58:13,915 if he's lonely and hasn't got a dick? 687 00:58:26,560 --> 00:58:28,839 When my baby's President, 688 00:58:29,661 --> 00:58:31,927 will he still have time for me? 689 00:58:34,854 --> 00:58:38,864 When your baby's President, he'll take you on every state visit. 690 00:59:19,621 --> 00:59:21,244 What's that? 691 00:59:31,232 --> 00:59:32,715 Isn't it cute? 692 00:59:34,192 --> 00:59:36,073 Maybe it's one of those things 693 00:59:36,355 --> 00:59:38,696 we read about in the newspaper. 694 01:00:13,488 --> 01:00:15,371 Read all about it! 695 01:00:16,807 --> 01:00:19,042 Killer condom strikes again! 696 01:00:20,336 --> 01:00:21,989 This time it's McGouvern! 697 01:01:01,360 --> 01:01:02,630 Morning, Luigi. 698 01:01:03,112 --> 01:01:04,980 You look terrible. 699 01:01:05,209 --> 01:01:07,222 I've got a foul taste in my mouth. 700 01:01:07,883 --> 01:01:09,368 Here, smell this. 701 01:01:11,671 --> 01:01:14,807 - Anything new? - I'm working on it. Give me 10 minutes. 702 01:01:15,500 --> 01:01:16,500 OK. 703 01:01:18,244 --> 01:01:19,782 - Hi, Sally. - Luigi! 704 01:01:19,976 --> 01:01:22,745 - What brings you here? - The captain asked me 705 01:01:22,908 --> 01:01:25,015 to come over and have a chat with our mutual friend. 706 01:01:25,237 --> 01:01:28,351 Isn't that right, Porky? You love talking to me. 707 01:01:28,763 --> 01:01:29,792 I'm not saying anything. 708 01:01:32,551 --> 01:01:34,373 I don't rat on my friends. 709 01:01:49,373 --> 01:01:54,086 OK! OK! It was Jack Collin's idea, but he wanted to work with Rich Bitch. 710 01:01:54,276 --> 01:01:56,536 So Bruce Winnegan shot Frank Collins. 711 01:01:56,718 --> 01:01:59,007 Killer Angel's also in on the deal. 712 01:01:59,171 --> 01:02:01,389 Only he's working for Larry King. 713 01:02:01,552 --> 01:02:04,137 They're packing the stuff in bags... 714 01:02:04,665 --> 01:02:06,747 Went quicker than I thought. 715 01:02:06,907 --> 01:02:09,483 I hear you're chasing contraceptives. 716 01:02:10,562 --> 01:02:13,584 Would you do me a favor before you go? 717 01:02:13,803 --> 01:02:16,213 - You know I don't touch condoms. - I know. 718 01:02:16,867 --> 01:02:19,705 There used to be a church where the Hotel Quickie now stands. 719 01:02:19,800 --> 01:02:20,600 - Really? 720 01:02:20,658 --> 01:02:24,650 - I need to know how long it was there, who had it bulldozed and why. 721 01:02:24,890 --> 01:02:28,969 - And get me a photo of the church. - Sure, his balls were pretty fat, 722 01:02:30,336 --> 01:02:32,688 but his weenie wasn't all that big. 723 01:02:33,030 --> 01:02:35,678 In fact, it was pretty small. 724 01:02:36,260 --> 01:02:40,600 He once confessed that was the reason he was running for President! 725 01:02:40,781 --> 01:02:42,203 Isn't that funny? 726 01:02:49,291 --> 01:02:50,928 Good idea. Ciao! 727 01:02:51,467 --> 01:02:52,843 What is this? 728 01:02:53,731 --> 01:02:55,234 You mean you don't know? 729 01:02:55,951 --> 01:02:57,620 What don't I know? 730 01:02:58,117 --> 01:03:01,981 Fear of castration is growing among the people of New York. 731 01:03:02,145 --> 01:03:06,798 In the past few days a number of cases have been reported to the police. 732 01:03:07,046 --> 01:03:10,344 All the male victims speak of contraceptives 733 01:03:10,511 --> 01:03:14,309 that turn out to be unknown and dangerous creatures. 734 01:03:14,783 --> 01:03:19,299 Eye witnesses say they initially look like condoms. 735 01:03:19,675 --> 01:03:22,347 They can be rolled on like a condom. 736 01:03:22,509 --> 01:03:26,370 It's now come to light that the police were not surprised 737 01:03:26,559 --> 01:03:29,627 by the recent attack in the hotel room of Republican candidate McGouvern. 738 01:03:29,791 --> 01:03:32,210 McGouvern lost almost all his genitalia 739 01:03:32,373 --> 01:03:36,556 under unknown circumstances. 740 01:03:36,800 --> 01:03:40,397 You knew about it? You knew about this killer condom? 741 01:03:40,654 --> 01:03:42,687 Well, not exactly... 742 01:03:42,874 --> 01:03:45,052 We've had a few cases like this... 743 01:03:45,526 --> 01:03:48,589 But they involved queers and hookers... 744 01:03:49,887 --> 01:03:51,895 I never thought... 745 01:03:52,090 --> 01:03:53,279 I mean... 746 01:03:54,010 --> 01:03:57,780 - It won't affect his campaign, will it? - Campaign? What campaign? 747 01:03:58,061 --> 01:03:59,066 Do you think 748 01:03:59,227 --> 01:04:02,562 that the people will elect a man without reproductive organs 749 01:04:02,742 --> 01:04:04,935 as the President of the United States? 750 01:04:08,131 --> 01:04:11,428 What have you found out about these little monsters 751 01:04:11,616 --> 01:04:13,698 that apparently look like condoms? 752 01:04:14,948 --> 01:04:16,130 Well... 753 01:04:16,733 --> 01:04:19,848 They're made of a sort of rubber... 754 01:04:20,201 --> 01:04:22,613 But of course it isn't really rubber... 755 01:04:23,058 --> 01:04:24,253 And they... 756 01:04:24,535 --> 01:04:28,802 They've got a very thin skin... And they're... 757 01:04:29,049 --> 01:04:29,917 Lubricated? 758 01:04:35,157 --> 01:04:37,167 And banana-flavored! 759 01:04:42,760 --> 01:04:46,582 What's the police doing at the moment to tackle these killer condoms? 760 01:04:49,770 --> 01:04:51,464 Professor Boris Smirnoff 761 01:04:51,626 --> 01:04:54,240 was born in 1923 in Vaclavitiv, Russia. 762 01:04:54,731 --> 01:04:58,199 He immigrated to the US in 1943 and studied natural sciences here. 763 01:04:58,629 --> 01:04:59,960 In 1956, 764 01:05:00,200 --> 01:05:03,666 he was awarded an honorary doctorate for his work in biochemistry. 765 01:05:03,861 --> 01:05:06,012 3 years later he became the head 766 01:05:06,181 --> 01:05:07,472 of a rubber and plastics lab. 767 01:05:07,635 --> 01:05:10,514 In '62 he won the Science Academy Award for developing 768 01:05:10,774 --> 01:05:13,180 a special rubber solution 769 01:05:13,520 --> 01:05:17,725 used mainly to produce false limbs but also for contraceptive sheaths. 770 01:05:18,691 --> 01:05:21,232 For several years, he's been concentrating on genetics. 771 01:05:21,895 --> 01:05:24,489 His family doesn't know where he is. 772 01:05:24,800 --> 01:05:29,400 Publishers wait in vain for his papers. He's failed to turn up at lectures. 773 01:05:30,417 --> 01:05:33,023 He's sent postcards from the Bahamas. 774 01:05:33,186 --> 01:05:36,326 But they just say that the weather's nice and he's feeling good. 775 01:05:36,578 --> 01:05:39,631 His daughter says he always hated nice weather 776 01:05:40,258 --> 01:05:42,036 and only felt good when he was working. 777 01:05:43,526 --> 01:05:45,083 Look at that. 778 01:05:46,510 --> 01:05:49,476 - So? - Look at the guy behind him. 779 01:05:50,320 --> 01:05:51,985 - Who is he? - Exactly. 780 01:05:52,480 --> 01:05:54,788 Nobody knows, but he's always behind Smirnoff. 781 01:05:55,651 --> 01:05:57,655 - Bodyguard? - Negative. 782 01:05:57,978 --> 01:06:00,986 Smirnoff's daughter thought he was the cook. 783 01:06:01,284 --> 01:06:03,800 The party guests thought he was a colleague. 784 01:06:05,532 --> 01:06:07,481 But nobody knows this man. 785 01:06:10,537 --> 01:06:12,145 What is this? 786 01:06:12,400 --> 01:06:15,392 - There's this professor who may have been kidnapped... - Really? 787 01:06:16,042 --> 01:06:17,800 And you play Cluedo? 788 01:06:19,449 --> 01:06:22,520 A presidential candidate got his dong bitten off 789 01:06:22,698 --> 01:06:24,680 and you're watching videos! 790 01:06:25,255 --> 01:06:26,673 - Sir... 791 01:06:26,840 --> 01:06:29,068 - We had a total of 18 cases last night. 792 01:06:29,409 --> 01:06:32,120 Some in brothels, but most on the gay scene. 793 01:06:32,556 --> 01:06:36,280 that means the knob-eaters are multiplying. 794 01:06:36,520 --> 01:06:40,239 Before they get someone on the Upper East Side 795 01:06:40,565 --> 01:06:43,297 I want you to get to grips with it! - That's what we're doing. 796 01:06:43,921 --> 01:06:47,200 Starting tonight I want a plant on the gay scene 797 01:06:47,441 --> 01:06:50,401 checking out what's going on. That's your job, Macaroni. 798 01:06:50,588 --> 01:06:53,241 - That's not a good idea. - Really? 799 01:06:53,722 --> 01:06:56,707 And why not? You know your way around. 800 01:06:57,122 --> 01:07:01,036 That's the problem: I'm well known. Everyone knows I'm a cop. 801 01:07:01,664 --> 01:07:02,730 Then you do it, Sam. - What? 802 01:07:05,938 --> 01:07:09,397 You get dressed up like a homosexual and check the scene out. 803 01:07:09,875 --> 01:07:11,932 Or are you well known too? 804 01:07:12,103 --> 01:07:13,654 - No, sir... - Good! 805 01:07:13,961 --> 01:07:17,144 I don't want to see any more hookers or drug addicts. 806 01:07:17,321 --> 01:07:19,920 I want reliable witnesses. Is that clear? 807 01:07:21,880 --> 01:07:24,106 Macaroni, get him dressed up. 808 01:07:26,060 --> 01:07:29,574 - The boys will love you. - I don't want anyone loving me. 809 01:07:29,761 --> 01:07:31,439 This is ridiculous! 810 01:07:31,705 --> 01:07:34,772 You want me to walk around dressed like this and ask: 811 01:07:34,976 --> 01:07:38,904 "Excuse me, have you seen a rubber that bares it's teeth from time to time?" 812 01:07:39,281 --> 01:07:42,245 Be careful who you have sex with 813 01:07:42,634 --> 01:07:44,943 and always check the condom first. 814 01:07:45,105 --> 01:07:47,712 - What? - It happens faster than you think. 815 01:07:49,747 --> 01:07:52,468 Won't they ask me if I want to? 816 01:07:52,643 --> 01:07:56,163 If one of them wants you, you haven't got a chance. 817 01:07:56,807 --> 01:07:59,366 Haven't got a chance? What do you mean? 818 01:08:00,068 --> 01:08:03,133 Gay men are still real men. They know what they want, Sam. 819 01:08:05,873 --> 01:08:08,341 Here, take this hanky. 820 01:08:10,165 --> 01:08:12,279 Leave it hanging out of your right back pocket. 821 01:08:14,226 --> 01:08:16,755 What? Why should I? 822 01:08:17,169 --> 01:08:18,426 It's code. 823 01:08:18,809 --> 01:08:23,413 It means, "I don't want sex tonight, so leave me alone." 824 01:08:24,666 --> 01:08:26,015 And that works? 825 01:08:27,108 --> 01:08:29,391 It's the only thing that works, Sam. 826 01:09:05,380 --> 01:09:06,920 Holger, darling! 827 01:09:39,400 --> 01:09:41,647 I'm a pig... 828 01:10:05,372 --> 01:10:07,994 Sometimes this city is like a cancer 829 01:10:08,154 --> 01:10:11,820 that grows and grows, ever nearer to its own destruction. 830 01:10:12,437 --> 01:10:17,090 Maybe I'll always be a stranger here because I spent my childhood in Sicily 831 01:10:17,627 --> 01:10:19,363 right by the sea 832 01:10:19,716 --> 01:10:23,295 with my loving Mama singing sad songs by the fire... 833 01:10:25,348 --> 01:10:28,321 Where are you, you Sicilian faggot! 834 01:10:39,102 --> 01:10:41,921 Yellow hanky in the right pocket, eh? 835 01:10:42,174 --> 01:10:46,130 That perverse gorilla pissed up my leg because he thought that's what I like! 836 01:10:46,398 --> 01:10:48,973 I'm married! I have a kid! 837 01:10:49,184 --> 01:10:51,561 I'm not used to that shit! 838 01:10:52,320 --> 01:10:55,030 Stop laughing, damn you! It isn't funny! 839 01:10:55,870 --> 01:10:57,648 Calm down, Sam! 840 01:10:57,998 --> 01:11:00,045 I'm sorry. 841 01:11:00,237 --> 01:11:04,898 It was a joke. How was I to know it would really happen? 842 01:11:06,227 --> 01:11:08,893 Thank God I didn't give you a red hanky. 843 01:11:09,152 --> 01:11:11,368 - A red hanky? What does that mean? 844 01:11:11,923 --> 01:11:13,409 - Fist fucking. 845 01:11:14,099 --> 01:11:16,520 Let's get a coffee. - I don't want any! 846 01:11:17,171 --> 01:11:19,140 You can solve this case by yourself. 847 01:11:19,416 --> 01:11:20,964 This scene is too... 848 01:11:21,384 --> 01:11:22,777 Damn, I want out! 849 01:11:24,486 --> 01:11:26,134 You can't leave me now! 850 01:11:26,661 --> 01:11:30,719 And whatever you think of those boys, they only want to have fun. 851 01:11:30,886 --> 01:11:33,018 Now they're being attacked by rubbers 852 01:11:33,178 --> 01:11:34,628 and we have to stop it! 853 01:11:38,569 --> 01:11:40,423 I need you, damn it! 854 01:11:47,492 --> 01:11:49,500 OK, but no more yellow hankies. 855 01:11:50,511 --> 01:11:52,090 - No more yellow hankies, OK. 856 01:11:52,574 --> 01:11:55,654 And no red ones either. No hankies at all! 857 01:11:56,374 --> 01:11:57,861 OK, no hankies at all. 858 01:12:10,608 --> 01:12:12,386 What are you all staring at? 859 01:12:12,591 --> 01:12:14,963 Never heard of male bonding? 860 01:12:29,491 --> 01:12:32,332 Nobody pisses up my leg. Nobody! 861 01:12:33,453 --> 01:12:34,541 I know. 862 01:12:56,302 --> 01:12:59,183 What's wrong with her? - Can anyone translate this? 863 01:13:03,345 --> 01:13:04,877 Something about a condom. 864 01:13:06,792 --> 01:13:08,381 Where? Where? Where? 865 01:13:09,321 --> 01:13:11,205 Where condom, Senora? 866 01:13:11,563 --> 01:13:13,724 Listen to me! Where condom? 867 01:13:17,360 --> 01:13:18,255 Hospital? 868 01:13:19,363 --> 01:13:21,202 Condom in hospital? 869 01:13:22,490 --> 01:13:25,473 Show me where it is, Senora. Come on, get up! 870 01:13:27,783 --> 01:13:29,429 I'm going over there. - But why? 871 01:13:29,591 --> 01:13:31,213 - I've got a strange feeling. 872 01:13:36,125 --> 01:13:39,407 Can't anyone here translate what this woman is saying!? 873 01:13:41,920 --> 01:13:43,376 What's she saying? 874 01:14:10,093 --> 01:14:11,595 Detective Macaroni. 875 01:14:14,086 --> 01:14:16,783 Even dedicated policemen have to sleep now and again. 876 01:14:16,943 --> 01:14:19,712 It isn't good for their health if they don't. 877 01:14:26,807 --> 01:14:27,985 Is Cop here? 878 01:14:30,198 --> 01:14:31,998 - Who? - You know who I mean. 879 01:14:32,700 --> 01:14:37,391 Detective Macaroni just left. And he won't be back for some time. 880 01:14:37,885 --> 01:14:38,827 Where did he go? 881 01:14:44,671 --> 01:14:48,345 Listen, boy. Your cop's already got his hands full 882 01:14:48,590 --> 01:14:51,235 without you waving your ass in front of his nose. 883 01:14:57,814 --> 01:14:59,745 What is it? What about this man? 884 01:15:01,048 --> 01:15:02,665 What about the man? 885 01:15:02,992 --> 01:15:05,076 Doesn't anyone here understand her? 886 01:15:05,239 --> 01:15:08,236 She says she saw the Asian man in the hospital chapel. 887 01:15:08,506 --> 01:15:11,008 He had one of the condoms with him. 888 01:15:11,495 --> 01:15:13,140 Right, come with me. 889 01:15:13,408 --> 01:15:15,185 O'Brian! We're going to the hospital. 890 01:15:15,915 --> 01:15:17,037 Come on! 891 01:15:17,402 --> 01:15:19,669 And you're coming to translate. 892 01:15:20,977 --> 01:15:24,320 Ellie, make us two coffees, please. Take a seat. 893 01:15:25,935 --> 01:15:29,316 Sorry to disturb you at this hour, 894 01:15:29,690 --> 01:15:30,900 but that woman 895 01:15:31,372 --> 01:15:34,903 whose nose was bitten off by a condom... 896 01:15:35,882 --> 01:15:36,771 Yes? 897 01:15:37,920 --> 01:15:40,327 She turned up at my precinct office this evening. 898 01:15:41,104 --> 01:15:44,162 She was very upset, so I thought I'd come by. 899 01:15:44,322 --> 01:15:45,961 What did she say? 900 01:15:47,094 --> 01:15:50,400 I'm not really sure. I think she saw a condom. 901 01:15:52,833 --> 01:15:53,584 Here? 902 01:15:53,850 --> 01:15:56,348 In the chapel, if I'm not mistaken. 903 01:15:59,996 --> 01:16:03,209 Detective, every night this woman dreams about condoms jumping in her face. 904 01:16:03,369 --> 01:16:07,246 She desperately needs her medication and tranquilizers. 905 01:16:07,440 --> 01:16:08,458 Where is she? 906 01:16:12,893 --> 01:16:16,280 Does an Asian man, a Chinese man, work here? 907 01:16:17,875 --> 01:16:20,116 Not that I know of. Why? 908 01:16:22,173 --> 01:16:23,605 Nothing special. 909 01:16:24,083 --> 01:16:26,560 I just thought I saw a Chinese person. 910 01:16:28,650 --> 01:16:31,792 There are over a billion Chinese living on this planet, Detective. 911 01:16:32,570 --> 01:16:35,189 You may well have seen one of them. 912 01:16:40,176 --> 01:16:42,748 She says we should go to the chapel. 913 01:16:42,933 --> 01:16:45,274 How can you understand her? 914 01:16:54,763 --> 01:16:56,920 Are you married? 915 01:16:57,620 --> 01:16:59,176 Me? No. 916 01:17:06,806 --> 01:17:09,144 Maybe you should consider getting yourself a wife. 917 01:17:10,062 --> 01:17:13,894 It is very important for a man like you to have someone who cares for him 918 01:17:14,343 --> 01:17:17,020 when he comes home at night. 919 01:17:18,715 --> 01:17:20,178 I prefer to live alone. 920 01:17:22,060 --> 01:17:25,555 But the good Lord created two types of being 921 01:17:25,715 --> 01:17:29,675 that they may find one another and share their lives. 922 01:17:30,384 --> 01:17:31,786 That may well be. 923 01:17:35,426 --> 01:17:37,397 I have to go. 924 01:17:37,826 --> 01:17:39,510 You're very lonely, aren't you? 925 01:17:40,802 --> 01:17:42,696 Good night, Dr Riffleson. 926 01:17:42,882 --> 01:17:46,071 I'll accompany you out. I have to go that way anyhow. 927 01:17:54,670 --> 01:17:56,411 I'll send the woman back to you. 928 01:17:58,439 --> 01:18:02,321 But don't let her escape again. - Don't worry, it won't happen again. 929 01:18:29,060 --> 01:18:30,832 What was that? - What? 930 01:18:31,148 --> 01:18:34,491 - I heard a shot. - A shot? I didn't hear anything. 931 01:18:45,464 --> 01:18:49,238 - What's that screaming? - Probably the woman on the first floor. 932 01:18:49,916 --> 01:18:52,106 Whenever the pain is too much... 933 01:20:38,344 --> 01:20:40,100 Professor Smirnoff? 934 01:20:42,750 --> 01:20:44,598 You've arrived at last! 935 01:20:45,147 --> 01:20:47,797 Have you brought me my red jelly? 936 01:20:48,367 --> 01:20:50,970 Red what? - Red jelly. 937 01:20:51,460 --> 01:20:53,925 Don't pretend you don't understand. 938 01:20:55,804 --> 01:20:58,630 You're a policeman, aren't you? 939 01:20:59,071 --> 01:21:01,967 Promise me you won't harm her. 940 01:21:02,292 --> 01:21:06,174 I need my red jelly. I can't live without my red jelly. 941 01:21:06,728 --> 01:21:08,567 Who shouldn't I harm? 942 01:21:08,866 --> 01:21:12,161 Want to know what I do here? 943 01:21:13,034 --> 01:21:14,174 I'm all ears. 944 01:21:15,553 --> 01:21:17,510 I'm Professor Smirnoff! 945 01:21:17,841 --> 01:21:18,744 I know. 946 01:21:19,252 --> 01:21:21,592 Tell me, who's keeping you here? 947 01:21:22,406 --> 01:21:24,255 I created all of this! 948 01:21:24,440 --> 01:21:26,504 Look: 949 01:21:26,881 --> 01:21:29,485 This trusting little creature. 950 01:21:29,752 --> 01:21:31,842 Bon voyage, Boris! 951 01:21:34,159 --> 01:21:36,200 Want to know how 952 01:21:36,446 --> 01:21:38,790 - I created it all? - Yes, Professor. 953 01:21:39,332 --> 01:21:44,373 I simply crossed larvae of the species Psammechinus Miliaris, Cetalia Simplex 954 01:21:44,533 --> 01:21:47,803 and an extremely halophilic Ikosaeder virus. 955 01:21:48,720 --> 01:21:51,215 When their pronuclei fuse, 956 01:21:51,376 --> 01:21:54,539 the strongly acidic phospho-ribosilic 957 01:21:54,701 --> 01:21:58,004 formimino-amido-imidazol carboxamide 958 01:21:58,282 --> 01:22:00,754 phospho-ribosilic isomerase... 959 01:22:14,920 --> 01:22:19,093 ...and centripedal laticin filaments, thus producing artificial beings 960 01:22:19,260 --> 01:22:22,399 capable of independent, deliberate movement 961 01:22:22,640 --> 01:22:24,324 and, just like human beings, 962 01:22:24,484 --> 01:22:28,218 enjoy taking in food such as red jelly. 963 01:22:28,735 --> 01:22:32,760 By biting off the genitals of innocent men. Why, Professor? 964 01:22:33,934 --> 01:22:36,060 They give me red jelly for it. 965 01:22:38,228 --> 01:22:40,493 Who does? Who gives you red jelly, Professor? 966 01:22:41,477 --> 01:22:44,142 I give the professor red jelly! 967 01:22:44,388 --> 01:22:46,249 Any other questions, Detective? 968 01:22:46,425 --> 01:22:50,097 - Dr Riffleson! - Precisely. Now give me your gun. 969 01:22:51,436 --> 01:22:55,310 If you don't give me your gun he'll blow your sick little brain out! 970 01:22:57,162 --> 01:22:58,224 Search him! 971 01:23:08,266 --> 01:23:09,558 The game's over! 972 01:23:09,800 --> 01:23:12,039 The police have come to rescue me! 973 01:23:12,466 --> 01:23:16,568 - Shut up and get on with your work! - No, I won't carry on! 974 01:23:17,005 --> 01:23:18,274 They'll rescue me 975 01:23:18,481 --> 01:23:20,398 and then I, Professor Smirnoff... 976 01:23:20,640 --> 01:23:24,161 back to work, or there'll be no red jelly! 977 01:23:40,323 --> 01:23:43,281 Over there. And no funny business. 978 01:23:43,876 --> 01:23:44,954 Go! Go! Go! 979 01:23:48,406 --> 01:23:51,715 I'm very pleased you've come to visit us, Detective. 980 01:23:53,573 --> 01:23:57,627 - May I ask what this is all about? - I'm preparing for His arrival! 981 01:23:58,956 --> 01:24:02,400 - Whose arrival? - The arrival and return of the Lord! 982 01:24:04,579 --> 01:24:07,079 - I don't understand. - How could you? 983 01:24:07,323 --> 01:24:09,555 The Lord doesn't speak to the fallen. 984 01:24:09,970 --> 01:24:11,706 He will arrive on December 31st 1999 985 01:24:11,869 --> 01:24:15,860 together with His earthly counterpart 986 01:24:16,680 --> 01:24:18,876 on the 11:30 flight from Rome to New York. 987 01:24:19,765 --> 01:24:22,591 He's coming to pass judgement on 988 01:24:22,756 --> 01:24:25,493 the greatest, most sinful Babel in the world! 989 01:24:25,662 --> 01:24:27,640 This city is Sodom and Gomorrah! 990 01:24:28,040 --> 01:24:32,602 I have the sacred duty and divine honor of preparing the way for Him 991 01:24:32,823 --> 01:24:36,372 by judging and punishing the most reprehensible of all sinners 992 01:24:36,543 --> 01:24:39,808 in advance of His coming! 993 01:24:40,640 --> 01:24:43,252 - Well... - Don't deny it, Detective! 994 01:24:43,412 --> 01:24:46,359 I know everything about your unnatural activities! 995 01:24:46,519 --> 01:24:48,075 The Bible says: 996 01:24:48,448 --> 01:24:50,843 "Man shall not lie with another man. " 997 01:24:51,009 --> 01:24:54,596 But you know that, don't you? It also says: "Be fruitful and multiply." 998 01:24:54,756 --> 01:24:57,220 Not: "Give in to lust. " 999 01:24:57,380 --> 01:25:01,594 There's nothing in the Holy Scriptures about condoms or contraception. 1000 01:25:01,778 --> 01:25:04,342 Nothing about useless ejaculations 1001 01:25:04,539 --> 01:25:09,527 or those disgusting orgies you engage in with your perverse friends. 1002 01:25:15,462 --> 01:25:17,818 Go on, Detective. Go on, have a look. 1003 01:25:34,799 --> 01:25:37,440 A nice little group, don't you think? 1004 01:25:38,533 --> 01:25:42,155 Brothel owners, pimps, men who wear women's clothes, 1005 01:25:42,315 --> 01:25:44,235 policemen who let evil men go free, 1006 01:25:44,406 --> 01:25:48,319 and tourists who stick their noses into other people's business... 1007 01:25:48,741 --> 01:25:51,176 I shall conquer evil! 1008 01:25:51,598 --> 01:25:53,105 I will not rest 1009 01:25:53,265 --> 01:25:57,049 until every last sinner out there has been judged! 1010 01:25:57,510 --> 01:25:58,893 So that was it. 1011 01:25:59,240 --> 01:26:04,032 A neurotic, man-hating religious fanatic had transformed a brilliant scientist 1012 01:26:04,912 --> 01:26:07,223 into an instrument of her deranged plan. 1013 01:26:08,369 --> 01:26:10,087 Smirnoff's new method 1014 01:26:10,339 --> 01:26:14,553 for binding silicon latex with centripedal lacitin filaments 1015 01:26:14,718 --> 01:26:16,462 is a sign from God 1016 01:26:16,751 --> 01:26:20,792 that we must put an end to all these perverse sinners! 1017 01:26:26,859 --> 01:26:28,584 Come here, Detective. 1018 01:26:29,215 --> 01:26:30,809 Come! Come! Come! 1019 01:26:33,019 --> 01:26:37,476 You're so fond of boasting that you need extra-large condoms. 1020 01:26:52,520 --> 01:26:54,014 Detective Macaroni: 1021 01:26:54,509 --> 01:26:56,681 this model's especially for you. 1022 01:26:57,198 --> 01:27:01,334 - It's nice of you to think of me. - I've waited for this moment for weeks! 1023 01:27:01,569 --> 01:27:05,276 Now pull out your sinful Babel penis! 1024 01:27:06,902 --> 01:27:08,535 You're insane! 1025 01:27:10,278 --> 01:27:11,294 Move it. 1026 01:27:12,296 --> 01:27:14,930 Get it out. 1027 01:28:03,534 --> 01:28:07,044 - Come on Detective: It's feeding time. - Listen, Dr Riffleson. 1028 01:28:07,296 --> 01:28:10,068 I'm sure the creator wouldn't approve. 1029 01:28:10,299 --> 01:28:13,448 After all, He gave me this lovely big penis... 1030 01:28:13,608 --> 01:28:18,116 To be fruitful! To marry a woman and bring children into the world! 1031 01:28:18,490 --> 01:28:22,057 But what do you do? You stick it in young men's behinds! 1032 01:28:22,217 --> 01:28:25,196 No, Detective. That's not what the Lord intended 1033 01:28:25,398 --> 01:28:27,581 when he gave you this penis. 1034 01:28:29,520 --> 01:28:32,062 Now pull it out! 1035 01:29:33,488 --> 01:29:34,646 I'm free! 1036 01:29:35,155 --> 01:29:37,758 Professor Smirnoff is free! 1037 01:30:17,055 --> 01:30:20,024 - Red jelly! - What do you want, Professor? 1038 01:30:20,676 --> 01:30:24,427 Everyone dies unless I get red jelly! 1039 01:30:24,633 --> 01:30:29,193 - Not now, Professor! - I can't go on without red jelly! 1040 01:30:32,720 --> 01:30:34,076 You stupid old man! 1041 01:31:30,900 --> 01:31:34,559 - I guess you saved my pecker. - I love you, Cop. 1042 01:31:36,727 --> 01:31:37,712 Here... 1043 01:31:40,006 --> 01:31:41,415 Use this to bandage your hand. 1044 01:31:41,585 --> 01:31:43,151 Excuse me, you love-birds! 1045 01:31:43,311 --> 01:31:45,560 - Get me down! - Please, Macaroni! 1046 01:31:45,880 --> 01:31:47,734 Get us down from here! 1047 01:31:59,133 --> 01:32:00,451 Watch out, Luigi! 1048 01:32:03,535 --> 01:32:05,837 Macaroni, do you have a moment to spare? 1049 01:32:06,897 --> 01:32:08,939 The game's over, Riffleson. 1050 01:32:09,281 --> 01:32:13,132 How wrong you are! God is on my side! Come! Come! Come! 1051 01:32:15,375 --> 01:32:18,497 What do you hope to achieve? Let the boy go. 1052 01:32:19,051 --> 01:32:21,079 The Lord's will must be obeyed! 1053 01:32:21,286 --> 01:32:25,588 And the Lord wants you to jump into the condoms! 1054 01:32:27,564 --> 01:32:28,900 Anybody there? 1055 01:32:31,739 --> 01:32:32,746 Jump! 1056 01:32:41,850 --> 01:32:42,760 No. 1057 01:32:43,542 --> 01:32:44,830 I won't jump. 1058 01:32:46,762 --> 01:32:48,307 Look around you. 1059 01:32:48,996 --> 01:32:50,606 This is your work. 1060 01:32:51,332 --> 01:32:53,592 Do you really think that God will forgive you? 1061 01:32:53,857 --> 01:32:58,160 You've created a hell full of creatures that could never be the work of God. 1062 01:32:59,437 --> 01:33:01,351 You talk about sin and depravity, 1063 01:33:01,511 --> 01:33:03,013 and you may be right... 1064 01:33:03,428 --> 01:33:06,251 But look at the boy you're pointing a gun at. 1065 01:33:06,640 --> 01:33:09,698 He's young and deserves the right to live. 1066 01:33:10,892 --> 01:33:13,522 There aren't any condoms in heaven, Dr Riffleson. 1067 01:33:14,066 --> 01:33:15,838 Nor any that bite. 1068 01:33:16,513 --> 01:33:19,556 You speak of a God who will judge all of mankind. 1069 01:33:19,971 --> 01:33:22,591 I say God will protect all lovers. 1070 01:33:22,807 --> 01:33:25,871 He doesn't care of its two men or a man and a woman. 1071 01:33:26,182 --> 01:33:30,088 He doesn't care if a man dresses like a woman and sings in a bar. 1072 01:33:30,549 --> 01:33:32,160 It's quite possible 1073 01:33:32,400 --> 01:33:35,353 that these people haven't always done the right thing, 1074 01:33:35,656 --> 01:33:38,103 but we're all human beings. 1075 01:33:38,593 --> 01:33:41,734 We're all responsible for the way we live our lives. 1076 01:33:42,099 --> 01:33:44,703 If God does ever pass judgment over us, 1077 01:33:44,963 --> 01:33:48,202 He won't need anyone to do it for Him. 1078 01:33:48,581 --> 01:33:51,880 Each and every one of us here, whether homosexual or heterosexual, 1079 01:33:52,333 --> 01:33:55,552 whether transvestite or atheist professor, 1080 01:33:55,932 --> 01:34:00,038 brothel owner or policeman, Serb, Croat or Chinese... 1081 01:34:00,441 --> 01:34:03,076 I don't know where the words came from. 1082 01:34:03,451 --> 01:34:07,137 I was giving a sermon and realising my words were having an effect... 1083 01:34:07,878 --> 01:34:10,944 May he who is free of sin cast the first stone! 1084 01:34:11,126 --> 01:34:15,205 Only the strange light bothered me. 1085 01:34:16,239 --> 01:34:19,099 That and the angels singing around me. 1086 01:34:21,750 --> 01:34:23,130 It's all so... 1087 01:34:23,948 --> 01:34:25,036 dirty! 1088 01:34:29,711 --> 01:34:33,036 You're all... so... dirty! 1089 01:34:36,791 --> 01:34:38,284 It's all over, Doctor. 1090 01:34:39,439 --> 01:34:40,761 You're all alone. 1091 01:36:02,239 --> 01:36:03,509 you know, Loogi... 1092 01:36:05,847 --> 01:36:09,031 I'm fed up playing your mother. The job's much too tiring. 1093 01:36:11,124 --> 01:36:14,951 - You kept your cool, Babette. - I was a cop once. I know the score. 1094 01:36:16,099 --> 01:36:18,825 What will you do now? - Dunno. 1095 01:36:18,985 --> 01:36:24,047 My bra is killing me, my wig itches and my balls are still tight as a fist. 1096 01:36:31,638 --> 01:36:32,971 You were great! 1097 01:36:33,224 --> 01:36:37,425 - Just like old times! - Except you weren't so pretty then. 1098 01:36:37,683 --> 01:36:41,030 I think you've earned yourself a break, Macaroni. 1099 01:36:42,200 --> 01:36:45,635 I don't want to see you at work for at least 4 weeks. 1100 01:36:47,990 --> 01:36:50,067 I won't be back at all, sir. 1101 01:36:51,360 --> 01:36:55,784 I've had enough of this job. - but you're the best man I've got. 1102 01:36:56,243 --> 01:36:58,267 You just have to know when to stop. 1103 01:36:58,520 --> 01:37:02,494 Has anyone told you how sexy you look hanging over a condom-filled pool? 1104 01:37:02,654 --> 01:37:06,479 - Don't give me that, Bob. - Sorry, I forgot you're homophobic. 1105 01:37:06,677 --> 01:37:08,700 - Homo what? - Homophobic! 1106 01:37:09,123 --> 01:37:13,233 After Luigi's sermon on the Mount, nobody can have anything against gays. 1107 01:37:14,666 --> 01:37:18,447 We should all be happy to have something between our legs, whatever we do. 1108 01:37:19,161 --> 01:37:21,695 Take a few days off and we'll talk about it then. 1109 01:37:22,112 --> 01:37:23,070 Look out, sir! 1110 01:37:27,977 --> 01:37:30,980 You're a cop through and through! 1111 01:37:32,012 --> 01:37:33,287 You'll be back. 1112 01:37:33,769 --> 01:37:34,990 Who knows, sir? 1113 01:37:40,488 --> 01:37:44,288 Either way, I'm outta here. I could use a relaxing bath. 1114 01:37:44,448 --> 01:37:45,828 Great idea! 1115 01:37:46,528 --> 01:37:50,608 I have an enormous bathtub at home and pine-scented bath oil. 1116 01:38:08,327 --> 01:38:10,017 What now? 1117 01:38:11,428 --> 01:38:13,406 I'm hungry. Let's get something to eat. 1118 01:38:13,998 --> 01:38:16,339 OK, but not Italian. 1119 01:38:16,738 --> 01:38:20,764 But I know a great place to eat, with the world's best pasta and sauces. 1120 01:38:21,185 --> 01:38:25,123 Really? - Yes, it isn't far from here. Just straight across the ocean. 1121 01:38:25,677 --> 01:38:29,165 Sicily is closer than you think. - Are you serious? 1122 01:38:29,913 --> 01:38:31,556 Sure I am. 1123 01:38:32,239 --> 01:38:33,851 We have enough time. 1124 01:38:35,233 --> 01:38:36,908 Ever been to Europe before? 1125 01:38:37,667 --> 01:38:38,520 - No. 1126 01:38:38,930 --> 01:38:42,289 There you go. I'll show you my home. 1127 01:38:43,189 --> 01:38:44,786 I'll show you Etna 1128 01:38:45,189 --> 01:38:46,421 and my mother. 1129 01:38:47,227 --> 01:38:48,514 Will she like that? 1130 01:38:48,950 --> 01:38:49,803 No. 1131 01:38:50,746 --> 01:38:53,857 But we needn't tell her you're not a virgin anymore! 1132 01:38:56,448 --> 01:38:58,370 You really wanna resign from the force? 1133 01:38:59,081 --> 01:39:00,184 I'm not sure. 1134 01:39:01,204 --> 01:39:04,460 It would have one disadvantage, though. - What's that? 1135 01:39:05,209 --> 01:39:08,713 You'd never call me Cop again, and I like it when you do. 1136 01:39:09,114 --> 01:39:11,626 I promise I'll always call you Cop. 1137 01:39:12,332 --> 01:39:13,401 Really? 1138 01:39:15,138 --> 01:39:16,341 Say it again. 1139 01:39:16,688 --> 01:39:17,537 Cop. 1140 01:39:19,735 --> 01:39:20,727 Again. 1141 01:39:21,285 --> 01:39:22,215 Cop. 1142 01:39:25,770 --> 01:39:26,795 Again! 1143 01:39:27,722 --> 01:39:28,650 Cop. 1144 01:39:30,601 --> 01:39:31,691 Again. 1145 01:39:32,497 --> 01:39:33,939 Kiss me, Cop! 86769