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00:00:04,000 --> 00:00:08,000
Subtitles - Ripped (and Hacked)
by RavyDavy - Part of the [RL] Crew
1
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One night, four ladies in the east
met at Compass to discuss going west.
2
00:00:51,031 --> 00:00:54,899
I have to go to San Francisco
on a book tour.
3
00:00:55,769 --> 00:00:59,705
You wouldn't go to the Upper West Side.
Suddenly, you're going to San Francisco?
4
00:00:59,773 --> 00:01:03,300
They're making me.
Apparently, I'm very big in San Francisco.
5
00:01:03,377 --> 00:01:05,777
You mean, Big is in San Francisco.
6
00:01:05,846 --> 00:01:08,781
Okay, yes, perhaps I'll see Big.
7
00:01:09,282 --> 00:01:11,978
Guys, I need to have sex. It's been too long.
8
00:01:12,052 --> 00:01:14,520
Lately, I've been having these dreams
where I run.
9
00:01:14,588 --> 00:01:18,080
I run up to complete strangers...
10
00:01:18,358 --> 00:01:20,258
and just start kissing them.
11
00:01:20,327 --> 00:01:23,728
No need to go across the country for sex.
Go across the restaurant.
12
00:01:23,797 --> 00:01:27,096
Those guys have been checking us out
ever since they sat down.
13
00:01:28,068 --> 00:01:30,093
Cute.
14
00:01:32,105 --> 00:01:34,073
Boring, boring and boring.
15
00:01:34,674 --> 00:01:37,165
- Like these scallops.
- I love the food here.
16
00:01:37,244 --> 00:01:38,472
Same old, same old.
17
00:01:38,545 --> 00:01:40,137
Same old? It just opened last week.
18
00:01:40,213 --> 00:01:43,011
Scallops are scallops,
and bachelors are bachelors.
19
00:01:43,083 --> 00:01:45,142
Sounds to me
like you might be experiencing...
20
00:01:45,218 --> 00:01:47,846
a "been there, done them" existential crisis.
21
00:01:47,921 --> 00:01:51,152
It's not me, it's New York.
Nothing is ever really new.
22
00:01:51,224 --> 00:01:53,624
In fact, they should change the name
to "Same York."
23
00:01:53,693 --> 00:01:57,356
You're nuts. These scallops are fantastic,
and those guys are cute.
24
00:01:57,464 --> 00:01:59,762
You should go say hi. May I?
25
00:01:59,833 --> 00:02:02,028
No, I don't want to say hi. I want to say:
26
00:02:02,102 --> 00:02:04,502
"Could one of you lie on top of me
for a while?"
27
00:02:04,571 --> 00:02:07,904
I need to feel the weight of a man on me.
28
00:02:07,974 --> 00:02:10,875
At times like this,
I wish women could go to male prostitutes.
29
00:02:10,944 --> 00:02:12,002
Women do.
30
00:02:12,078 --> 00:02:15,104
No, only in bad screenplays and first novels.
31
00:02:15,182 --> 00:02:17,810
That is an incredible investment idea.
32
00:02:18,218 --> 00:02:20,709
We should open a brothel
where the men are cute...
33
00:02:20,787 --> 00:02:23,119
and the sheets
are 500-count Egyptian cotton.
34
00:02:23,190 --> 00:02:26,455
- Samantha, you can be the madam.
- At least it's something new.
35
00:02:26,526 --> 00:02:29,017
We could put one in every neighborhood,
like Starbucks.
36
00:02:29,095 --> 00:02:31,893
- Starfucks.
- Such a place doesn't exist in reality...
37
00:02:31,965 --> 00:02:34,024
because women don't think
about sex like that.
38
00:02:34,100 --> 00:02:36,864
It's not an animal urge.
We need to feel things.
39
00:02:36,937 --> 00:02:39,098
We need a connection.
Isn't that right, Carrie?
40
00:02:39,172 --> 00:02:40,400
No, Big is my male prostitute.
41
00:02:40,474 --> 00:02:43,568
I am mixing business
with much-needed pleasure.
42
00:02:43,643 --> 00:02:46,009
And my relief is just a train ride away.
43
00:02:46,079 --> 00:02:49,845
- A train? Why don't you just fly?
- No, flying makes me nervous.
44
00:02:49,916 --> 00:02:53,374
I get uneasy seeing the National Guard
go through my makeup case.
45
00:02:53,453 --> 00:02:55,011
Besides, it'll be fun.
46
00:02:55,088 --> 00:02:58,524
Especially if Samantha goes with me.
47
00:02:59,693 --> 00:03:01,991
Please, come on, it'll be hilarious.
48
00:03:02,062 --> 00:03:05,554
Two gals on a train. Very Some Like It Hot.
49
00:03:05,665 --> 00:03:10,102
And the whole trip ends
with a luxury suite...
50
00:03:10,437 --> 00:03:15,306
in a fabulous four-star San Francisco hotel.
51
00:03:15,375 --> 00:03:16,637
Why didn't you invite me?
52
00:03:16,710 --> 00:03:20,407
Because Samantha is the only one
who's bored enough to do it.
53
00:03:20,480 --> 00:03:22,971
So what time do we leave "Same York"?
54
00:03:23,517 --> 00:03:27,248
I'm gonna get laid.
55
00:03:30,690 --> 00:03:33,181
More and more single women
of a certain age...
56
00:03:33,260 --> 00:03:35,194
are looking for a certain thing.
57
00:03:35,262 --> 00:03:39,528
And that certain thing does not necessarily
involve a certain ring.
58
00:03:41,101 --> 00:03:44,332
We may have traded the little black book
for a little black dress...
59
00:03:44,404 --> 00:03:46,463
and replaced the Ferrari with a Fendi.
60
00:03:46,540 --> 00:03:49,976
But in view of certain evidence,
I had to wonder.'
61
00:03:51,244 --> 00:03:53,337
Are we the new bachelors?
62
00:04:01,254 --> 00:04:03,222
What did Big say when you told him?
63
00:04:03,290 --> 00:04:05,656
I haven't yet. I'm gonna wait till I get there.
64
00:04:05,725 --> 00:04:09,183
You know, "Hello, guess where I am."
Very casual, very...
65
00:04:09,262 --> 00:04:11,730
That's one approach.
I would have called and said:
66
00:04:11,798 --> 00:04:14,596
"I'm coming, and I won't be the only one."
67
00:04:15,201 --> 00:04:17,601
I think I'm getting a pimple.
Can you see anything?
68
00:04:17,671 --> 00:04:19,536
Right here, above my freckle.
69
00:04:20,140 --> 00:04:21,437
All clear.
70
00:04:21,508 --> 00:04:23,908
Good, the last thing I need
is a big, honking zit...
71
00:04:23,977 --> 00:04:25,205
when I meet my prostitute.
72
00:04:25,278 --> 00:04:29,374
This may be just what I needed,
if I can stand the train for three days.
73
00:04:29,683 --> 00:04:31,378
Think of it as an adventure.
74
00:04:31,451 --> 00:04:33,715
"It's not the destination, it's the journey."
75
00:04:33,787 --> 00:04:36,551
A journey in adjoining, first-class...
76
00:04:36,623 --> 00:04:38,955
deluxe sleeper berths.
77
00:04:39,025 --> 00:04:42,290
Truth be told, I've always wanted
to take a train. It's so sexy.
78
00:04:42,362 --> 00:04:46,093
You never know who's going
to be getting on and getting me off.
79
00:04:46,166 --> 00:04:47,963
All aboard.
80
00:04:48,635 --> 00:04:49,829
Hello, sir.
81
00:05:12,292 --> 00:05:15,625
We were supposed to have
the deluxe, first-class sleeper.
82
00:05:15,695 --> 00:05:17,390
This is the first-class sleeper.
83
00:05:17,464 --> 00:05:21,093
And I suppose the regular class
sleeps in what? A tuna can?
84
00:05:21,401 --> 00:05:24,495
Right here, you have your door
to the restroom.
85
00:05:29,442 --> 00:05:30,602
Wait.
86
00:05:30,910 --> 00:05:33,174
You shower over the toilet?
87
00:05:36,783 --> 00:05:40,514
I'm starting to understand why there was
a murder on the Orient Express.
88
00:05:40,587 --> 00:05:43,078
And in a far less crowded space...
89
00:05:43,356 --> 00:05:47,087
- Delivery from Bloom & Goldenblatt.
- I thought they'd send a messenger.
90
00:05:47,160 --> 00:05:50,789
Do you know what we'd charge you
for a messenger to make a 12-block drop?
91
00:05:50,864 --> 00:05:53,856
So, a partner personally delivers
my divorce papers?
92
00:05:53,933 --> 00:05:55,423
Sure, why not?
93
00:05:55,535 --> 00:05:57,867
- I needed the walk.
- Okay.
94
00:05:59,105 --> 00:06:01,938
I was just gonna go work out, but come in.
95
00:06:06,813 --> 00:06:08,110
It's hot.
96
00:06:08,481 --> 00:06:09,709
Excuse me?
97
00:06:09,783 --> 00:06:13,014
Outside. I'm schvitzing
like a pudding at a picnic.
98
00:06:16,690 --> 00:06:19,625
This is the pagoda we've been fighting over.
99
00:06:19,693 --> 00:06:23,390
It's impressive.
I can see why you'd never want to give it up.
100
00:06:23,496 --> 00:06:27,159
- Actually, I'm thinking about selling.
- After what we went through to get it?
101
00:06:27,233 --> 00:06:28,860
It's too big for one person.
102
00:06:28,935 --> 00:06:31,802
I'm putting the word out.
If anyone knows a great apartment...
103
00:06:31,871 --> 00:06:35,602
I got a buddy who has a place.
It may be a little too bachelor for your taste.
104
00:06:35,675 --> 00:06:38,337
I can change that.
You should've seen this place earlier.
105
00:06:38,411 --> 00:06:40,743
It was where plaid furniture came to die.
106
00:06:40,814 --> 00:06:44,147
- I could set it up so you can get a first look.
- Okay.
107
00:06:44,217 --> 00:06:46,913
Done. So let's get you divorced.
108
00:06:47,087 --> 00:06:49,078
Sit, and sign.
109
00:07:04,537 --> 00:07:08,200
Do you have a handkerchief or something?
You're still sweating.
110
00:07:08,808 --> 00:07:11,208
Sorry. This never happens.
111
00:07:13,413 --> 00:07:14,607
Thanks.
112
00:07:18,685 --> 00:07:20,016
That's it?
113
00:07:20,086 --> 00:07:23,249
That's it.
You are no longer Mrs. Trey MacDougal.
114
00:07:25,992 --> 00:07:27,789
How do you like that?
115
00:07:28,661 --> 00:07:29,992
I like it.
116
00:07:33,700 --> 00:07:37,796
- You have some tissue stuck to you.
- I'm a fucking mess today.
117
00:07:40,039 --> 00:07:41,939
Somewhere outside of Pittsburgh...
118
00:07:42,008 --> 00:07:44,568
Samantha and I decided
to get out of our twin cans...
119
00:07:44,644 --> 00:07:47,841
and go for a classic train dinner
in the club car.
120
00:07:54,687 --> 00:07:56,052
This is it?
121
00:07:56,256 --> 00:08:00,852
I thought there'd be white linen tablecloths
and Bing Crosby singing at a piano.
122
00:08:06,099 --> 00:08:10,160
- Excuse me, table for two, please.
- Just sit anywhere that's open.
123
00:08:19,779 --> 00:08:21,906
Sorry, the train zigged.
124
00:08:24,150 --> 00:08:25,242
Okay.
125
00:08:26,686 --> 00:08:28,313
Excuse me. Sorry.
126
00:08:37,397 --> 00:08:38,591
Really?
127
00:08:41,534 --> 00:08:42,831
Hello.
128
00:08:44,838 --> 00:08:46,203
Thank you.
129
00:08:46,639 --> 00:08:48,664
I'm eating with the Amish?
130
00:08:50,443 --> 00:08:53,879
Are you aware, every time we stop,
good-looking people get off...
131
00:08:53,947 --> 00:08:56,040
and more ugly people get on?
132
00:08:56,416 --> 00:08:58,941
I'm serious, this is the train to ugly.
133
00:08:59,018 --> 00:09:02,010
There isn't one man on this train I'd fuck.
What about you?
134
00:09:02,088 --> 00:09:03,715
Don't ask me. I'm horny.
135
00:09:03,790 --> 00:09:06,816
And nine hours of train-rocking
hasn't helped.
136
00:09:08,194 --> 00:09:09,354
Sorry.
137
00:09:10,864 --> 00:09:13,992
If she has a problem,
next time she can take a buggy.
138
00:09:16,870 --> 00:09:17,996
Thanks.
139
00:09:18,071 --> 00:09:20,403
How would the Zagat Guide rate a place...
140
00:09:20,473 --> 00:09:22,532
that lists potato chips as an appetizer?
141
00:09:22,609 --> 00:09:27,012
Don't even say "potato chip" to me.
This zit is getting bigger by the hour.
142
00:09:27,080 --> 00:09:28,877
Can you see it now?
143
00:09:30,116 --> 00:09:33,449
Let's just say you're starting to look
like you belong on a train.
144
00:09:33,553 --> 00:09:34,747
Really?
145
00:09:35,188 --> 00:09:38,453
- What can I get you?
- A martini and an airplane.
146
00:09:39,826 --> 00:09:42,624
- What's safe to order?
- The club sandwich.
147
00:09:43,963 --> 00:09:45,487
And a martini.
148
00:09:47,000 --> 00:09:49,434
God, I need a big old drink.
149
00:09:52,272 --> 00:09:53,933
Again, sorry.
150
00:09:58,411 --> 00:10:00,436
And speaking of martinis...
151
00:10:00,513 --> 00:10:03,812
- A zebra-skin rug.
- I told you he was a bachelor.
152
00:10:04,183 --> 00:10:07,949
- But a bar in the bedroom?
- You ain't seen nothing yet.
153
00:10:17,463 --> 00:10:19,363
You seem to know your way around here.
154
00:10:19,432 --> 00:10:22,060
I sublet while I was going through
my divorce.
155
00:10:22,135 --> 00:10:23,397
Wait.
156
00:10:25,738 --> 00:10:27,330
Surround sound.
157
00:10:28,775 --> 00:10:30,640
I can't believe that men think...
158
00:10:30,710 --> 00:10:33,804
it takes all this stuff
to get a woman into bed.
159
00:10:35,348 --> 00:10:37,009
What does it take?
160
00:10:38,384 --> 00:10:39,976
- Charlotte.
- What?
161
00:10:40,353 --> 00:10:43,550
I think you are the sexiest woman I ever met.
162
00:10:43,923 --> 00:10:46,824
Harry, don't be ridiculous,
I'm wearing my glasses.
163
00:10:46,893 --> 00:10:49,487
It makes me crazy when you say my name.
164
00:10:49,562 --> 00:10:51,530
Then I'm definitely gonna stop saying it.
165
00:10:51,597 --> 00:10:53,497
What a putz your ex-husband must be.
166
00:10:53,566 --> 00:10:55,431
- Trey was not a putz.
- He was a putz.
167
00:10:55,501 --> 00:10:59,597
If I was lucky enough to have you in my bed,
I wouldn't take my hands off you.
168
00:10:59,672 --> 00:11:01,071
Stop, Harry.
169
00:11:01,140 --> 00:11:04,974
Ever since the first moment I saw you,
I can't think about anything else.
170
00:11:05,044 --> 00:11:07,171
I'm fucking Romeo over here.
171
00:11:07,280 --> 00:11:09,908
God, it's hot, I'm sweating.
Can you open the window?
172
00:11:09,983 --> 00:11:12,577
I fantasize about your lips...
173
00:11:12,652 --> 00:11:15,519
your perfect pink lips.
174
00:11:28,935 --> 00:11:31,165
Two days, two toilet showers...
175
00:11:31,237 --> 00:11:33,899
and too many club sandwiches later...
176
00:11:44,050 --> 00:11:46,985
- Hello?
- It's me, and it's still bad.
177
00:11:47,053 --> 00:11:49,317
- The trip or the pimple?
- Both.
178
00:11:49,389 --> 00:11:52,483
I tried to squeeze it
somewhere outside Oklahoma.
179
00:11:52,558 --> 00:11:56,585
Here's a helpful hint:
Never give yourself a train facial.
180
00:11:56,662 --> 00:11:57,686
Got it.
181
00:11:57,764 --> 00:12:01,700
If this thing doesn't deflate by Colorado,
I'm not even calling Big.
182
00:12:02,902 --> 00:12:05,393
Hold on, someone who used
to be Samantha just came in.
183
00:12:05,471 --> 00:12:08,804
Rumor has it a group of guys
not resembling the Elephant Man...
184
00:12:08,875 --> 00:12:13,244
just got on, and are having a bachelor party
in the bar car. Get dressed.
185
00:12:13,312 --> 00:12:15,143
I can't go anywhere with this pimple.
186
00:12:15,214 --> 00:12:19,810
I got on a train for you.
You are going to the bar car with me.
187
00:12:22,055 --> 00:12:24,455
I have to go to a bachelor party.
188
00:12:25,324 --> 00:12:28,157
And back in New York,
Charlotte found herself sandwiched...
189
00:12:28,227 --> 00:12:30,752
between some confirmed bachelors.
190
00:12:31,431 --> 00:12:34,923
How can a person have really hot S-E-X...
191
00:12:35,001 --> 00:12:36,730
with someone they don't even like?
192
00:12:36,803 --> 00:12:39,829
You're spelling "sex" in a place
with a go-go boy on the bar?
193
00:12:39,906 --> 00:12:41,931
- I'm serious.
- Why?
194
00:12:43,176 --> 00:12:46,043
Oh, my God, Char. You?
195
00:12:46,112 --> 00:12:49,604
I don't know what happened. He's
my divorce lawyer. I don't even like him!
196
00:12:49,682 --> 00:12:52,344
Some of the best sex I've had
is with people I can't stand.
197
00:12:52,418 --> 00:12:54,283
Details. This is so exciting.
198
00:12:54,353 --> 00:12:56,253
He was showing me
this bachelor apartment.
199
00:12:56,322 --> 00:12:59,723
- I think it was all the leather and music.
- Leather, I get it. Go.
200
00:12:59,792 --> 00:13:02,454
Suddenly, out of nowhere,
we were kissing and then we...
201
00:13:02,528 --> 00:13:05,691
Fucking? Oh, my God, Char!
This is so exciting.
202
00:13:05,932 --> 00:13:08,662
- How was it?
- Unbelievable.
203
00:13:09,635 --> 00:13:11,102
Cosmos for everyone!
204
00:13:11,170 --> 00:13:13,434
No, it's not good. I don't want to date him.
205
00:13:13,506 --> 00:13:16,407
- He's not very attractive.
- Ugly sex is hot.
206
00:13:16,476 --> 00:13:19,377
No, he's sweaty and pushy.
207
00:13:19,445 --> 00:13:21,538
No, I could never date him.
208
00:13:23,182 --> 00:13:25,207
But maybe just for the sex.
209
00:13:25,418 --> 00:13:28,444
- How does that work, exactly?
- Okay, listen up.
210
00:13:28,521 --> 00:13:31,115
You have to be very clear about the rules.
211
00:13:31,190 --> 00:13:33,750
It's just sex. You can't act romantic at all.
212
00:13:33,826 --> 00:13:36,954
You have to talk just sex talk.
"Fuck me, and get out."
213
00:13:37,864 --> 00:13:40,128
- Isn't that rude?
- No, it's hot.
214
00:13:40,533 --> 00:13:42,467
Hello! Where's my drink?
215
00:13:52,778 --> 00:13:55,941
Things are looking up. They are pretty cute.
216
00:13:56,015 --> 00:13:57,539
This blush is worse than a pimple.
217
00:13:57,617 --> 00:13:59,949
I look like I'm in a high-school play
or something.
218
00:14:00,019 --> 00:14:01,680
Come on, follow my lead.
219
00:14:04,757 --> 00:14:05,985
Hello.
220
00:14:16,235 --> 00:14:18,863
Aren't you boys a sight for sore eyes?
221
00:14:22,508 --> 00:14:24,976
So, what are we drinking?
222
00:14:25,044 --> 00:14:27,877
- Light beer.
- We can do better than that.
223
00:14:28,181 --> 00:14:30,649
Sir, a bottle of champagne, please.
224
00:14:31,384 --> 00:14:34,876
I'm sure one of you gentlemen
will help me pop my cork.
225
00:14:36,889 --> 00:14:38,481
And just like that...
226
00:14:38,558 --> 00:14:42,153
we went from Some Like It Hot
to Some Like Us Not.
227
00:14:42,228 --> 00:14:45,254
- I thought I was looking pretty hot.
- You are pretty hot.
228
00:14:45,331 --> 00:14:47,731
- Not according to them.
- Champagne.
229
00:14:56,576 --> 00:15:00,842
Excuse me,
but what kind of bachelor party is this?
230
00:15:00,913 --> 00:15:03,711
We're not really bachelors. We're all married.
231
00:15:03,783 --> 00:15:06,445
Except Bri,
he's the last one in the gang to bite it.
232
00:15:06,519 --> 00:15:09,784
Yeah, we're taking him to the Giants game
in San Francisco.
233
00:15:12,525 --> 00:15:16,791
My friend over there has come
on this very long trip as a favor to me...
234
00:15:16,862 --> 00:15:20,127
and I was hoping that one of you fellows...
235
00:15:20,700 --> 00:15:24,397
could oblige her
in a little harmless male flirtation.
236
00:15:24,870 --> 00:15:27,771
We're trying to be good.
Promised our wives.
237
00:15:28,040 --> 00:15:31,441
As far as a pimp, I was a total train wreck.
238
00:15:33,746 --> 00:15:35,611
They love their wives.
239
00:15:37,583 --> 00:15:39,483
You were right, Carrie.
240
00:15:40,019 --> 00:15:43,079
It's not New York that's the problem, it's me.
241
00:15:43,789 --> 00:15:46,781
I am having an...
242
00:15:48,828 --> 00:15:50,853
The midlife thing, you know.
243
00:15:51,597 --> 00:15:52,859
This thing has roots.
244
00:15:52,932 --> 00:15:56,925
And I don't know what I'm gonna do.
I mean, I already fuck younger guys...
245
00:15:57,003 --> 00:15:58,994
and I don't want a sports car.
246
00:15:59,071 --> 00:16:01,699
Oh, God, parking in New York is a bitch.
247
00:16:01,774 --> 00:16:05,210
I'm sorry about the train.
This was a terrible idea.
248
00:16:06,612 --> 00:16:10,673
It's all my fault. All because I had to get laid.
249
00:16:11,751 --> 00:16:14,117
There. Popped it.
250
00:16:14,353 --> 00:16:16,821
All right!
251
00:16:16,956 --> 00:16:19,584
Let's get another bottle to celebrate.
252
00:16:20,926 --> 00:16:23,520
One very long trip later...
253
00:16:23,596 --> 00:16:27,760
Samantha and I dragged our cabooses
into a bookstore near the Golden Gate.
254
00:16:27,833 --> 00:16:31,769
Impressive turnout.
I guess you are big in San Francisco.
255
00:16:31,837 --> 00:16:32,826
My publisher.
256
00:16:32,905 --> 00:16:36,033
- Hi!
- You made it in one piece.
257
00:16:36,609 --> 00:16:38,133
That's debatable.
258
00:16:38,210 --> 00:16:43,170
Wow! I can't believe it.
All these people came to hear me read?
259
00:16:44,750 --> 00:16:47,981
They're not all just for you.
Mr. Winkle's here.
260
00:16:48,521 --> 00:16:50,011
Who's Mr. Winkle?
261
00:16:54,126 --> 00:16:56,617
He's making an appearance right after you.
262
00:16:57,963 --> 00:16:59,897
You're opening for a dog?
263
00:16:59,965 --> 00:17:02,832
They had a chance to get Mr. Winkle,
and they jumped at it.
264
00:17:02,902 --> 00:17:04,631
He's huge on the Internet.
265
00:17:05,771 --> 00:17:09,172
Lily, I can't be the opening act for a dog.
266
00:17:09,241 --> 00:17:12,642
What can I say? The West Coast sales rep
totally fucked me on this.
267
00:17:12,712 --> 00:17:14,179
Lily, hi!
268
00:17:14,547 --> 00:17:16,515
One sec, I'll be right back.
269
00:17:17,950 --> 00:17:21,078
- You know, maybe...
- Thanks, but don't even waste your energy.
270
00:17:21,153 --> 00:17:25,283
You know, go back to the hotel,
and get in that giant tub and relax.
271
00:17:25,358 --> 00:17:29,294
- I'll see you later, we'll have a meal.
- Later? Aren't you going to call Big?
272
00:17:29,362 --> 00:17:31,796
Between the pimple and the puppy,
I'm not up for it.
273
00:17:31,864 --> 00:17:35,129
- Are you sure?
- Yeah, go. Take a long bath.
274
00:17:35,201 --> 00:17:36,964
I may never get out.
275
00:17:38,037 --> 00:17:39,026
Bye.
276
00:17:50,583 --> 00:17:52,517
This book tour stuff is rough.
277
00:17:56,055 --> 00:17:57,454
That's a cute top.
278
00:18:02,561 --> 00:18:05,530
"As I walked home,
I couldn't help but wonder.'
279
00:18:06,031 --> 00:18:09,125
"'Was it Mr. Big, was it New York...
280
00:18:09,735 --> 00:18:11,362
"'or was it me?"'
281
00:18:15,274 --> 00:18:17,174
Does anyone have a question?
282
00:18:18,210 --> 00:18:19,234
Yes?
283
00:18:19,311 --> 00:18:21,211
When is Mr. Winkle coming out?
284
00:18:23,282 --> 00:18:24,840
In a mere moment.
285
00:18:24,917 --> 00:18:28,648
So, if there are no other questions
about my book...
286
00:18:30,856 --> 00:18:33,484
Yes, I see a hand, but I can't see the man.
287
00:18:33,559 --> 00:18:35,891
Could you shift? Sorry.
288
00:18:38,097 --> 00:18:39,997
Yes, I have a question.
289
00:18:41,033 --> 00:18:44,161
This Mr. Big character,
does he have a real name?
290
00:18:45,738 --> 00:18:50,198
Yes, but I can't reveal it.
I have to protect his privacy.
291
00:18:52,144 --> 00:18:56,137
I no longer cared about Mr. Winkle.
I had Mr. Big.
292
00:19:02,087 --> 00:19:04,078
I'm taking a bubble bath.
293
00:19:05,257 --> 00:19:08,556
You have to get out.
Big's here, I need to have sex.
294
00:19:08,727 --> 00:19:09,955
I'm taking a bath.
295
00:19:10,029 --> 00:19:13,430
I got you a smaller room
all to yourself downstairs.
296
00:19:13,499 --> 00:19:15,694
I can't get in another small room.
297
00:19:15,768 --> 00:19:18,896
Please. I have to get laid.
298
00:19:23,075 --> 00:19:27,444
You better fuck him good. I'm not gonna go
through this again in another six months.
299
00:19:27,513 --> 00:19:30,880
Can you hurry?
I told him to come up in about half an hour.
300
00:19:30,950 --> 00:19:34,408
So, snap it up. Faster.
Okay, bye-bye. Thank you, sweets.
301
00:19:39,658 --> 00:19:40,647
God.
302
00:19:51,737 --> 00:19:52,897
Hey, you.
303
00:19:53,038 --> 00:19:55,165
- So, did you hide the body?
- What body?
304
00:19:55,241 --> 00:19:57,072
Or whatever it was you had to do...
305
00:19:57,142 --> 00:20:01,135
that kept me wandering around
the hotel gift shop for half an hour.
306
00:20:11,757 --> 00:20:13,349
I got you some gum.
307
00:20:14,760 --> 00:20:17,456
Big Red. The clerk recommended it.
308
00:20:18,931 --> 00:20:20,626
Aren't you something?
309
00:20:23,202 --> 00:20:24,829
- Want some?
- Sure.
310
00:20:41,987 --> 00:20:43,318
Nice digs.
311
00:20:44,723 --> 00:20:47,556
- This will set your publisher back.
- Yeah.
312
00:20:50,129 --> 00:20:52,996
- You look good.
- So do you, kid.
313
00:20:57,303 --> 00:21:01,000
- What?
- My gum. Christ. You surprised me.
314
00:21:05,010 --> 00:21:07,308
- I swallowed it.
- Sorry.
315
00:21:07,846 --> 00:21:10,747
Here, let me kiss it and make it all better.
316
00:21:13,953 --> 00:21:18,117
- How's that?
- We better go. Dinner reservations.
317
00:21:18,190 --> 00:21:20,124
- I'm not hungry.
- We have to go.
318
00:21:20,192 --> 00:21:22,922
I promised my partners
I'd make a vineyard connection...
319
00:21:22,995 --> 00:21:24,257
with the restaurant owner.
320
00:21:24,330 --> 00:21:27,561
So let's go.
We'll have a nice meal and catch up.
321
00:21:29,501 --> 00:21:30,490
Okay.
322
00:21:32,404 --> 00:21:35,601
So, I'm walking through the mall,
and I see your book.
323
00:21:35,674 --> 00:21:37,539
Wait, you were in a mall?
324
00:21:38,077 --> 00:21:39,806
I live in America now.
325
00:21:39,878 --> 00:21:42,642
You've gotta go through them
to get to the outside.
326
00:21:42,715 --> 00:21:47,049
Anyway, I pass a bookstore,
and there you are, right in the window...
327
00:21:47,186 --> 00:21:50,314
- next to the real books.
- Sir, you are too kind.
328
00:21:50,856 --> 00:21:54,383
Good cover. Cute. Sexy.
329
00:21:54,593 --> 00:21:55,821
Sexy?
330
00:21:57,029 --> 00:22:00,658
So, I go in. I bought it, drove right home...
331
00:22:01,000 --> 00:22:05,869
sat on my porch, lit up a cigar,
and I read it cover to cover.
332
00:22:06,271 --> 00:22:08,762
- Porch?
- Screen doors and everything.
333
00:22:10,709 --> 00:22:12,370
What do you think?
334
00:22:15,047 --> 00:22:17,675
I had no idea that I hurt you so much.
335
00:22:18,684 --> 00:22:20,948
I gotta say, it was tough to see it in print.
336
00:22:21,020 --> 00:22:24,478
- You've read my columns.
- Not all at one sitting, one reading...
337
00:22:24,556 --> 00:22:26,285
one right after the other.
338
00:22:29,261 --> 00:22:31,195
I really got how much I hurt you.
339
00:22:31,263 --> 00:22:34,699
Come on, that's fiction.
340
00:22:35,300 --> 00:22:38,758
- I embellished.
- No, some of that stuff really happened.
341
00:22:38,837 --> 00:22:43,103
- Word for word.
- It's just writing. It's all in the past.
342
00:22:43,475 --> 00:22:47,411
Let's forget all that
and talk about something else.
343
00:22:50,582 --> 00:22:52,413
How's the wine business?
344
00:22:52,785 --> 00:22:54,184
- Great.
- Yeah?
345
00:22:56,255 --> 00:22:58,450
You know that chapter
about my apartment key?
346
00:22:58,524 --> 00:23:00,719
Was I really that big of an asshole?
347
00:23:02,027 --> 00:23:03,392
Oh, my God.
348
00:23:05,064 --> 00:23:07,089
"He was like the city itself...
349
00:23:07,166 --> 00:23:10,294
"cold, infuriating and exhausting."
350
00:23:10,369 --> 00:23:14,100
Suddenly, it became clear to me.'
This was not my best-laid plan.
351
00:23:14,173 --> 00:23:16,368
See, that's what I'm talking about.
352
00:23:16,442 --> 00:23:20,071
- When have I ever been cold? Am I cold?
- No.
353
00:23:20,913 --> 00:23:24,280
You're hot. Very hot.
354
00:23:24,383 --> 00:23:28,285
- What about Chapter 3?
- That was all years ago.
355
00:23:29,788 --> 00:23:31,881
Can we please stop talking?
356
00:23:34,426 --> 00:23:36,553
- Wait.
- What?
357
00:23:37,029 --> 00:23:40,521
- I just don't want you to get hurt again.
- I won't.
358
00:23:40,599 --> 00:23:41,964
It's just sex.
359
00:23:42,034 --> 00:23:44,764
According to this book, it is not just sex.
360
00:23:44,837 --> 00:23:49,035
What happened in New York
was all my fault. I didn't read the signs.
361
00:23:49,108 --> 00:23:52,771
You were unavailable,
and very clear about that.
362
00:23:52,845 --> 00:23:54,540
It was all me.
363
00:23:54,747 --> 00:23:57,307
Now, please, kiss me.
364
00:23:57,916 --> 00:24:00,407
Or at least lie on top of me.
365
00:24:00,686 --> 00:24:03,678
Carrie, I think it's very clear
from this book...
366
00:24:03,756 --> 00:24:06,691
that when it comes to me,
you do not have good judgment.
367
00:24:06,759 --> 00:24:08,090
Now, look at Chapter 3.
368
00:24:08,160 --> 00:24:11,391
That's fiction. And it's not even a bestseller.
369
00:24:11,463 --> 00:24:15,058
- Here, page 39.
- Oh, God. I can't believe this is happening.
370
00:24:15,134 --> 00:24:17,500
- Are you involved with someone else?
- No.
371
00:24:18,237 --> 00:24:20,034
It's the pimple, isn't it?
372
00:24:20,105 --> 00:24:24,269
I just don't want to do something here
that I'll be sorry for later.
373
00:24:25,043 --> 00:24:26,601
I'm fine.
374
00:24:26,812 --> 00:24:29,838
Look at me. Put the book down...
375
00:24:30,315 --> 00:24:31,839
and look at me.
376
00:24:32,684 --> 00:24:35,744
I'm fine. Just fine.
377
00:24:37,756 --> 00:24:39,246
Don't I look fine?
378
00:24:44,096 --> 00:24:48,157
Let's talk just a little more.
Now, look, page 39.
379
00:24:48,734 --> 00:24:50,133
This part.
380
00:24:55,707 --> 00:24:58,175
I love making love to you.
381
00:24:58,944 --> 00:25:02,573
No. That was not love. That was just sex.
382
00:25:04,349 --> 00:25:07,682
Charlotte, you are so beautiful.
383
00:25:08,320 --> 00:25:11,687
Your skin is so soft. So smooth.
384
00:25:13,525 --> 00:25:14,856
And you...
385
00:25:16,228 --> 00:25:17,855
have a hard dick.
386
00:25:18,197 --> 00:25:21,826
Now, put your pants on and go.
387
00:25:24,503 --> 00:25:27,666
- Is that okay?
- Whatever you say.
388
00:25:31,543 --> 00:25:35,673
There they were.'
The bachelorette and the beast.
389
00:25:35,781 --> 00:25:39,615
What about dinner Saturday night?
390
00:25:42,754 --> 00:25:45,848
This is just sex. We're not a couple.
You're just...
391
00:25:46,825 --> 00:25:48,190
a great fuck.
392
00:25:49,228 --> 00:25:51,628
- Is that clear?
- Clear.
393
00:25:59,071 --> 00:26:01,699
- Hello?
- Good morning, it's your wake-up call.
394
00:26:01,907 --> 00:26:03,807
- What time is it?
- 7.'30.
395
00:26:04,476 --> 00:26:06,603
- What time did I say?
- 7:30.
396
00:26:08,547 --> 00:26:10,310
Okay. Thank you.
397
00:26:14,653 --> 00:26:17,747
After my wake-up call,
I got my real wake-up call.
398
00:26:19,024 --> 00:26:22,619
Thanks to my book,
nothing was ever going to happen with Big.
399
00:26:30,736 --> 00:26:32,067
Where are you going?
400
00:26:32,137 --> 00:26:36,096
I have two book readings this morning,
before I head back to New York.
401
00:26:37,142 --> 00:26:38,871
Not so fast.
402
00:26:39,544 --> 00:26:41,671
- Come here.
- Now?
403
00:26:42,447 --> 00:26:46,008
What about last night? All that talk?
All those concerns?
404
00:26:46,585 --> 00:26:50,248
Fuck it. You'll need material for the sequel.
405
00:26:56,328 --> 00:27:00,162
"Like that freckle on my face
that he once told me he loved...
406
00:27:00,332 --> 00:27:03,301
"I could do my best to cover it
during the day...
407
00:27:03,502 --> 00:27:07,097
"but at night,
after I washed the city off my face...
408
00:27:07,839 --> 00:27:09,170
"there it was...
409
00:27:09,308 --> 00:27:12,277
"a tiny brown dot near the tip of my lip.
410
00:27:13,078 --> 00:27:16,241
"And I wondered how something so small...
411
00:27:16,882 --> 00:27:19,214
"could suddenly seem so big."
412
00:27:31,863 --> 00:27:33,694
- Here you go.
- Thank you.
413
00:27:36,601 --> 00:27:38,933
Luggage in the car. Car at the curb.
414
00:27:39,504 --> 00:27:41,062
Thanks for doing all that.
415
00:27:41,139 --> 00:27:45,303
- So, how did it go with Big?
- We had sex.
416
00:27:45,644 --> 00:27:47,009
Hallelujah.
417
00:27:47,145 --> 00:27:50,137
Yeah, but it was not as simple
as I had hoped.
418
00:27:50,382 --> 00:27:51,940
What does that mean?
419
00:27:52,284 --> 00:27:56,414
The question-and-answer section
of this reading is now over.
420
00:27:56,722 --> 00:27:59,691
- I'll tell you on the train.
- Train? Get real.
421
00:28:00,325 --> 00:28:04,489
American Airlines, first-class,
and some Valium.
422
00:28:09,401 --> 00:28:11,767
I cannot wait to get to New York.
423
00:28:11,837 --> 00:28:15,295
- What about the midlife crisis?
- Honey, who's midlife?
424
00:28:18,310 --> 00:28:22,440
And sometimes it's not the journey.
It's the destination.
425
00:28:52,000 --> 00:29:52,000
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