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Subtitles - Ripped (and Hacked)
by RavyDavy - Part of the [RL] Crew
1
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Everyone has a worst nightmare.
2
00:00:52,999 --> 00:00:55,331
For some, it's bathing-suit season.
3
00:00:55,402 --> 00:00:59,702
For others, it's that your birth certificate
can never be legally destroyed.
4
00:00:59,773 --> 00:01:03,334
For Miranda, it was family hour at her gym.
5
00:01:04,144 --> 00:01:05,168
What the...
6
00:01:11,618 --> 00:01:15,987
Kiddy Jazzercise,
Aerobics Room 1, five minutes.
7
00:01:16,490 --> 00:01:21,018
On Sundays, her neighborhood became
occupied territory under siege to children.
8
00:01:21,094 --> 00:01:22,322
They were everywhere...
9
00:01:22,396 --> 00:01:25,229
Movie theaters, restaurants,
bookstores, hair salons...
10
00:01:25,298 --> 00:01:28,290
Starbucks was basically
a stroller parking lot.
11
00:01:28,435 --> 00:01:32,599
Was it too much to hope
for one small space to call her own?
12
00:01:34,374 --> 00:01:36,433
Don't touch it, please!
13
00:01:37,811 --> 00:01:39,039
Is there a problem?
14
00:01:39,112 --> 00:01:42,047
No, it's just that
he really likes to push the button.
15
00:01:42,315 --> 00:01:44,408
Fine, I'm in kind of a rush. Push One.
16
00:01:44,785 --> 00:01:48,050
Simon, this pretty lady said
that you could push the button.
17
00:01:51,792 --> 00:01:54,784
- So sorry.
- I'm sure it's just a phase.
18
00:01:55,162 --> 00:01:59,360
Yeah, the guilty, overindulgent
phase of a D-l-V-O-R-C-E.
19
00:02:04,137 --> 00:02:07,937
- Daddy.
- Simon, we're not being very nice to...
20
00:02:11,511 --> 00:02:15,379
- That sounds like a princess name.
- Stop talking.
21
00:02:18,652 --> 00:02:20,552
I'm going to bite you.
22
00:02:20,620 --> 00:02:23,020
- Do you want to go to the toy store later?
- Yes.
23
00:02:23,089 --> 00:02:24,920
Then don't bite me.
24
00:02:26,693 --> 00:02:29,821
I am in violation
of every parenting book ever written.
25
00:02:31,598 --> 00:02:33,463
- Do you have kids?
- No.
26
00:02:33,533 --> 00:02:34,693
Married?
27
00:02:36,570 --> 00:02:38,936
- Here we are.
- At last.
28
00:02:40,874 --> 00:02:44,241
Any chance I could persuade you
to take another ride?
29
00:02:52,319 --> 00:02:54,150
His name was Roger Cobb.
30
00:02:54,221 --> 00:02:58,555
It only took him another floor and a half
to ask Miranda for her phone number.
31
00:02:58,625 --> 00:03:00,923
The whole thing might have been
very romantic...
32
00:03:00,994 --> 00:03:03,087
...if Simon hadn't peed in his pants.
33
00:03:03,163 --> 00:03:07,497
I don't wear vintage clothes,
I hate flea markets, I don't collect antiques.
34
00:03:07,567 --> 00:03:10,764
Is it too much to ask that he not be,
I don't know, used?
35
00:03:10,837 --> 00:03:15,171
Before it goes any further, just make sure
his parts are still under warranty.
36
00:03:15,408 --> 00:03:19,310
- It's like chewing somebody else's gum.
- Divorced men do come with baggage.
37
00:03:19,379 --> 00:03:22,007
Baggage is one thing.
But when they come with kids...
38
00:03:22,082 --> 00:03:24,346
Especially kids with bladder control issues.
39
00:03:24,518 --> 00:03:25,849
Here's what I think.
40
00:03:25,919 --> 00:03:29,082
Round up all the divorced men
and keep them in a pound.
41
00:03:29,155 --> 00:03:32,181
That way, you get their whole history
before you take one home.
42
00:03:32,259 --> 00:03:34,921
If a man is divorced,
it doesn't mean he has a problem.
43
00:03:34,995 --> 00:03:38,260
Like my brother Wesley.
He just separated from his wife, Leslie...
44
00:03:39,165 --> 00:03:44,467
- Wesley and Leslie? I don't think so.
- What is that, marriage by Mother Goose?
45
00:03:44,971 --> 00:03:46,905
Definitely a candidate for the pound.
46
00:03:46,973 --> 00:03:51,501
I was going to ask you to meet him 'cause
he's coming to visit, and now forget it.
47
00:03:51,578 --> 00:03:55,014
We want to meet Wesley
of Wesley and Leslie.
48
00:03:55,115 --> 00:03:57,549
And p.s., does he work for Nestl�?
49
00:03:59,119 --> 00:04:00,916
My brother's very important to me.
50
00:04:00,987 --> 00:04:03,717
I won't have him subjected
to scrutiny and ridicule.
51
00:04:04,591 --> 00:04:07,924
- I'll be Scrutiny. You be Ridicule.
- I always have to be Ridicule.
52
00:04:07,994 --> 00:04:09,825
Why can't you be Ridicule for once?
53
00:04:09,896 --> 00:04:10,885
I know.
54
00:04:12,265 --> 00:04:15,234
As for me, rather than sort through the
hard option...
55
00:04:15,335 --> 00:04:17,860
...I was dating
someone brand-spanking new.
56
00:04:18,505 --> 00:04:21,474
I met Vaughn Weisel at a P.E.N. Luncheon
a month ago.
57
00:04:21,641 --> 00:04:25,099
It's amazing how much better looking
fiction writers have become.
58
00:04:25,178 --> 00:04:26,406
Still up for a movie?
59
00:04:26,479 --> 00:04:30,472
I just gotta drop these books
by my parent's place. It's on the way.
60
00:04:31,651 --> 00:04:34,711
- GQ called.
- They want you to write something?
61
00:04:34,788 --> 00:04:36,813
They want me to wear something.
62
00:04:36,890 --> 00:04:40,553
It's so great to be a writer these days,
there's so little writing involved.
63
00:04:40,627 --> 00:04:42,857
Don't be photographed
in anything sleeveless.
64
00:04:42,929 --> 00:04:45,625
No one who went sleeveless
ever won a Pulitzer.
65
00:04:45,699 --> 00:04:48,167
It's just a little tip from me to you.
66
00:04:50,937 --> 00:04:52,268
Nice townhouse.
67
00:04:52,405 --> 00:04:55,863
- Come on in, this will only take a second.
- I'm not dressed for family.
68
00:04:55,942 --> 00:04:58,376
Can you just drop them
through the mail slot?
69
00:04:58,445 --> 00:05:00,470
If I'm here and I don't say hello...
70
00:05:00,513 --> 00:05:03,277
...l'm looking at two months minimum
hard family time.
71
00:05:03,350 --> 00:05:05,580
All right. Yeah, okay.
72
00:05:08,455 --> 00:05:09,479
Thank you.
73
00:05:09,556 --> 00:05:13,287
Mother, I swear, you are the only person
who can kill a cactus.
74
00:05:14,961 --> 00:05:16,019
This is Carrie.
75
00:05:16,096 --> 00:05:20,396
Tell your sister to stop bringing me plants.
They get suicidal around me.
76
00:05:20,467 --> 00:05:23,027
I have to talk them down from the ledge.
77
00:05:23,837 --> 00:05:28,137
- Those books you asked me to sign...
- Duncan, Vaughn's here.
78
00:05:28,475 --> 00:05:29,772
And he brought a girl!
79
00:05:30,410 --> 00:05:33,402
- Hi. Wallis Weisel...
- Hi.
80
00:05:33,713 --> 00:05:37,672
- Have we met?
- No, I don't think so. Carrie Bradshaw.
81
00:05:37,884 --> 00:05:41,684
My God. Duncan, get your ass in here.
82
00:05:41,755 --> 00:05:45,282
I just love your column.
83
00:05:46,493 --> 00:05:48,620
I love to hear that.
84
00:05:48,695 --> 00:05:51,596
- Mom, we can't stay.
- The hell you can't.
85
00:05:51,698 --> 00:05:54,963
You know what you should write about?
Re-virginization.
86
00:05:55,201 --> 00:05:57,965
Did you know there are women
who are actually having...
87
00:05:58,038 --> 00:06:01,667
...their vaginas re-stitched
to make them like new again?
88
00:06:02,509 --> 00:06:03,737
Aren't they clever?
89
00:06:03,810 --> 00:06:07,541
If you're wondering, Mom just finished
a documentary on genital mutilation.
90
00:06:07,614 --> 00:06:09,775
Which I still haven't gotten your notes on.
91
00:06:09,849 --> 00:06:12,511
I told you, I can't bring myself
to look at that thing.
92
00:06:12,585 --> 00:06:17,420
And I typed all his short stories for him
when he was 12. Duncan, look.
93
00:06:17,624 --> 00:06:20,024
Do you know who this is?
Carrie Bradshaw.
94
00:06:20,093 --> 00:06:23,756
- She writes that column we love.
- What are you doing Thursday night?
95
00:06:25,031 --> 00:06:25,998
Laundry.
96
00:06:26,199 --> 00:06:29,726
I teach a seminar at Columbia
on Cultural Zeitgeist.
97
00:06:29,869 --> 00:06:31,564
I'd love to have you come speak.
98
00:06:31,638 --> 00:06:34,732
Mr. Self-lnvolved here
didn't tell us he was dating an icon.
99
00:06:34,808 --> 00:06:37,971
- Icon?
- You are an icon. You are.
100
00:06:38,244 --> 00:06:41,873
- Who brought a girl?
- This is my other sister.
101
00:06:41,948 --> 00:06:43,677
Franny, this is Carrie.
102
00:06:43,883 --> 00:06:46,443
- What's up?
- What's up?
103
00:06:46,553 --> 00:06:48,077
- Hey, mom.
- Hi, sweetie.
104
00:06:48,321 --> 00:06:49,913
Franny and Zooey?
105
00:06:50,190 --> 00:06:53,284
What can I say?
J.D. Salinger used to get me high.
106
00:06:53,426 --> 00:06:57,328
And then she'd call me at 3:00 a.m.,
"I love you."
107
00:06:58,164 --> 00:07:01,292
Good for you.
Beautiful and she thinks I'm funny.
108
00:07:01,367 --> 00:07:05,963
You're hilarious. Put your tongue back
in your head and the lox on the table.
109
00:07:06,039 --> 00:07:08,599
Come on, everybody,
let's have something to eat.
110
00:07:09,142 --> 00:07:13,135
- We have to go.
- Come on, please.
111
00:07:14,981 --> 00:07:16,346
We'll stay.
112
00:07:17,317 --> 00:07:20,081
I mean, really,
within the space of five minutes...
113
00:07:20,186 --> 00:07:24,885
...I had next week's column, an invitation
to speak at an Ivy League university...
114
00:07:24,958 --> 00:07:28,018
...and access
to the entire Zabar's fish counter.
115
00:07:28,194 --> 00:07:30,128
Leave now? Was he nuts?
116
00:07:34,100 --> 00:07:37,797
Have you ever gone out
with someone who had a kid?
117
00:07:37,871 --> 00:07:41,398
No, but I've never gone out with someone
I met on an elevator either.
118
00:07:41,474 --> 00:07:42,941
That's a first for me, too.
119
00:07:43,009 --> 00:07:46,035
I met a woman on an escalator once,
but it didn't last long.
120
00:07:46,112 --> 00:07:48,706
It was over by the time
we got to Ladies Lingerie.
121
00:07:48,782 --> 00:07:51,717
I dated a man once
who wore ladies' lingerie.
122
00:07:51,785 --> 00:07:55,448
That was kind of the problem there.
I'm kidding.
123
00:07:56,256 --> 00:08:00,625
- 'Cause I'm wearing panties now.
- You're kidding, right?
124
00:08:02,362 --> 00:08:03,556
Look what I found.
125
00:08:03,630 --> 00:08:05,860
- Can you say you're sorry?
- No!
126
00:08:05,932 --> 00:08:07,160
Are you okay?
127
00:08:08,201 --> 00:08:11,227
Fortunately, I mostly use
the right side of my brain.
128
00:08:16,476 --> 00:08:19,604
It must be hard,
having a social life as a single parent.
129
00:08:19,846 --> 00:08:22,576
It is, I got to buy protective helmets
for all my dates.
130
00:08:23,316 --> 00:08:25,045
Where's mine, by the way?
131
00:08:25,151 --> 00:08:28,882
The truth is, I didn't really have
a great social life before Simon either.
132
00:08:29,489 --> 00:08:34,153
I'm just one of those weird male
aberrations who prefers to be married.
133
00:08:35,295 --> 00:08:40,289
I like stability and routine. I like knowing
there's people waiting for me at home.
134
00:08:42,202 --> 00:08:45,433
- I guess that makes me sound pretty dull.
- Are you kidding?
135
00:08:45,505 --> 00:08:47,439
You're the Heterosexual Holy Grail.
136
00:08:49,442 --> 00:08:53,708
Miranda wondered how a vintage man
might look on her modern couch.
137
00:08:56,049 --> 00:08:59,541
- Here.
- Thank you.
138
00:09:00,453 --> 00:09:02,978
Probably not the best time
to ask you to dinner.
139
00:09:03,156 --> 00:09:05,556
While Miranda was dealing
with queasiness...
140
00:09:05,625 --> 00:09:07,684
...Charlotte was handling depression...
141
00:09:07,760 --> 00:09:10,991
...which she felt could be solved
with a homemade muffin.
142
00:09:11,064 --> 00:09:13,464
Here you go. Just like Nana used to make.
143
00:09:13,666 --> 00:09:17,432
Charlie, the muffins are great,
but I'd much prefer a nice dry martini.
144
00:09:17,503 --> 00:09:19,903
But Nana always made muffins
to cheer you up.
145
00:09:20,173 --> 00:09:24,303
That was pre-Leslie. Post-Leslie,
I need a cocktail. Where's your vodka?
146
00:09:24,544 --> 00:09:27,536
- I don't have any.
- And you call yourself a Wasp.
147
00:09:28,214 --> 00:09:32,514
I don't see why you two can't work it out,
you had the most beautiful wedding.
148
00:09:32,652 --> 00:09:34,517
We'll have an even lovelier divorce.
149
00:09:34,587 --> 00:09:38,250
I can't believe you're willing
to just throw it all away so easily.
150
00:09:38,358 --> 00:09:42,385
Relationships take work.
You need patience and understanding.
151
00:09:43,630 --> 00:09:45,894
When was your last
long-term relationship?
152
00:09:47,967 --> 00:09:49,764
Just eat your muffin.
153
00:09:59,412 --> 00:10:02,540
The afternoon had been
like six hours of foreplay.
154
00:10:07,453 --> 00:10:10,445
Some men seduce
with dim lights and soft music.
155
00:10:12,058 --> 00:10:15,687
Vaughn seduced
with chocolate chip cookies and relatives.
156
00:10:18,464 --> 00:10:20,898
It was inevitable this would happen.
157
00:10:26,506 --> 00:10:29,498
I just didn't know
it would happen so quickly.
158
00:10:32,946 --> 00:10:34,470
I'll get a tissue.
159
00:10:45,959 --> 00:10:48,223
Get out now,
before he stains all your sheets.
160
00:10:48,294 --> 00:10:51,491
Come on, that's harsh.
It could be he was just nervous.
161
00:10:51,564 --> 00:10:53,031
First time is always weird.
162
00:10:53,099 --> 00:10:56,694
- He probably had something to drink.
- We'd spent the day with his family.
163
00:10:57,370 --> 00:10:59,930
The guy could not get
his Cadillac into the garage.
164
00:11:00,006 --> 00:11:02,907
I'm sorry, I hate being right about this.
165
00:11:02,976 --> 00:11:05,376
Samantha was the General Patton of sex.
166
00:11:05,812 --> 00:11:09,248
She didn't send her troops
into battle if she thought they would lose.
167
00:11:09,482 --> 00:11:10,471
I like him.
168
00:11:10,650 --> 00:11:13,483
That's swell, but it doesn't
get the cream in the cupcake.
169
00:11:13,553 --> 00:11:16,021
But the thing I like best about him
is his family.
170
00:11:16,089 --> 00:11:17,488
Anyone there you can fuck?
171
00:11:18,891 --> 00:11:20,984
What? I'm trying to be helpful.
172
00:11:21,160 --> 00:11:25,620
I'm telling you, this family is like...
They got charisma.
173
00:11:25,765 --> 00:11:28,290
Like Tom Cruise,
they're the Tom Cruise of families.
174
00:11:28,368 --> 00:11:31,769
I'm sure the family is supposed
to be the obstacle to a relationship...
175
00:11:31,838 --> 00:11:33,135
...not the attraction.
176
00:11:33,206 --> 00:11:35,674
I fucked a guy once
because his family had a pool.
177
00:11:36,075 --> 00:11:40,341
He was pretty much of a nerd, but I'd go
over there and get all cocoa-buttered up.
178
00:11:40,413 --> 00:11:43,746
His mom loved me. She was always
serving me Kool-Aid and chips.
179
00:11:43,816 --> 00:11:46,649
- Kool-Aid?
- Yeah, Kool-Aid, I was 13.
180
00:11:46,719 --> 00:11:49,279
And honey, you should have seen my tan.
181
00:11:50,857 --> 00:11:54,224
In my mind, the complications of making
a relationship work...
182
00:11:54,293 --> 00:11:56,693
...had just expanded exponentially.
183
00:11:57,230 --> 00:12:01,428
When you date someone, how many
people become emotionally involved?
184
00:12:02,035 --> 00:12:05,596
When you sleep with someone,
are you screwing the family?
185
00:12:06,873 --> 00:12:09,239
While I was still on the fence
about Vaughn...
186
00:12:09,308 --> 00:12:11,970
...I had no doubt about
my feeling for his mother.
187
00:12:12,045 --> 00:12:13,706
I was in love with her.
188
00:12:13,780 --> 00:12:16,943
Then we were in Nicaragua
with the Peace Corps.
189
00:12:17,183 --> 00:12:18,912
That's where Vaughn was born.
190
00:12:18,985 --> 00:12:22,352
I can't get over it. You've had five lives.
191
00:12:22,622 --> 00:12:24,419
I can barely make one happen.
192
00:12:25,158 --> 00:12:28,355
Don't pull that self-effacing shit with me.
193
00:12:28,494 --> 00:12:31,952
I see you. I know what you've got going.
194
00:12:32,031 --> 00:12:34,761
What? What do I do?
I write this little column.
195
00:12:34,867 --> 00:12:38,234
It's a contribution.
You are putting it out there.
196
00:12:39,138 --> 00:12:40,935
You're part of a dialogue.
197
00:12:41,007 --> 00:12:42,531
If it wasn't for you...
198
00:12:42,608 --> 00:12:47,204
...we wouldn't know half the things we do
about other people's sex lives.
199
00:12:47,613 --> 00:12:49,581
- Thanks a lot.
- I'm teasing.
200
00:12:51,150 --> 00:12:55,211
No, it's wonderful
to be frank and honest about sex.
201
00:12:55,321 --> 00:12:59,985
That's how I raised my kids.
Sex was always a part of the discussion.
202
00:13:00,126 --> 00:13:04,586
When they were 2 years old, they knew
the proper names for their body parts.
203
00:13:04,664 --> 00:13:06,996
None of this "pee-pee"
and "wee-wee" crap.
204
00:13:08,034 --> 00:13:11,595
And as a result,
they can talk to me about anything.
205
00:13:11,971 --> 00:13:14,030
When Franny told me she was a lesbian...
206
00:13:14,107 --> 00:13:17,099
...I said, "Great, just as long
as you're not a Republican."
207
00:13:18,444 --> 00:13:24,110
- May I just say I like you very much.
- That's dear, thank you.
208
00:13:27,220 --> 00:13:28,812
Did you talk to Leslie today?
209
00:13:28,888 --> 00:13:31,755
No. I talked to her lawyer.
Do you want to know about that?
210
00:13:31,824 --> 00:13:34,884
I'm giving her the house
and she's giving me an ulcer.
211
00:13:34,994 --> 00:13:38,521
I'm sorry I brought it up.
Tonight we'll have fun.
212
00:13:38,598 --> 00:13:40,532
You'll finally meet my friend Carrie.
213
00:13:40,600 --> 00:13:43,034
We'll go out, have dinner,
maybe go to a club...
214
00:13:43,102 --> 00:13:44,091
Shit.
215
00:13:51,777 --> 00:13:54,109
This is my wonderful brother, Wesley.
216
00:13:55,648 --> 00:13:58,583
- Nice to meet you.
- Good looks run in the family.
217
00:13:59,852 --> 00:14:02,116
- Can I get you ladies a drink?
- Cosmopolitan.
218
00:14:02,255 --> 00:14:03,244
Ditto.
219
00:14:03,456 --> 00:14:06,550
- How are you enjoying New York?
- Excuse us.
220
00:14:08,694 --> 00:14:09,956
Why is she here?
221
00:14:11,297 --> 00:14:14,630
That's our friend.
I believe you remember Samantha.
222
00:14:16,102 --> 00:14:18,866
You know how she gets.
Look! She's doing it already.
223
00:14:18,971 --> 00:14:20,529
They're talking.
224
00:14:23,342 --> 00:14:27,176
Samantha says there's
a great jazz bar that we should go to.
225
00:14:28,281 --> 00:14:32,547
- I just don't think I'm up for it tonight.
- Then maybe we'll just go.
226
00:14:35,154 --> 00:14:37,486
Talking and going to hear jazz.
227
00:14:39,659 --> 00:14:42,992
I think I have your son's Slinky
embedded in my back.
228
00:14:44,697 --> 00:14:47,029
I like to brand my women.
229
00:14:50,436 --> 00:14:54,065
I'm going to use the bathroom,
and then I really will go.
230
00:15:03,649 --> 00:15:05,241
- Daddy?
- No, Simon!
231
00:15:06,352 --> 00:15:07,876
Daddy!
232
00:15:08,387 --> 00:15:09,376
Shit.
233
00:15:12,058 --> 00:15:15,221
I'm sorry. I was peeing,
and I didn't want him to see me.
234
00:15:16,729 --> 00:15:18,321
I was afraid he'd see me...
235
00:15:18,397 --> 00:15:22,925
...and then he'd be drawing pictures for
a child psychologist and nobody's happy.
236
00:15:23,002 --> 00:15:26,062
- I'll get a Band-Aid.
- He's hurt. He might need a stitch.
237
00:15:26,272 --> 00:15:28,900
- I'll go with you to the emergency room.
- No!
238
00:15:29,775 --> 00:15:31,037
Just go.
239
00:15:31,911 --> 00:15:35,745
Please, just go.
240
00:15:36,849 --> 00:15:38,578
One thing about families...
241
00:15:38,651 --> 00:15:42,849
...if no one's sorry to see you go,
then you're probably not coming back.
242
00:15:43,856 --> 00:15:47,189
The next morning,
Charlotte was in for a rude awakening.
243
00:15:47,326 --> 00:15:49,294
Where do you keep your coffee filters?
244
00:15:51,163 --> 00:15:52,858
Just tell me if I'm warm.
245
00:15:54,800 --> 00:15:57,826
My brother? You slept with my brother?
246
00:15:58,537 --> 00:16:01,995
Honey, what a doll. He really...
247
00:16:02,141 --> 00:16:04,575
Is your vagina
in the New York City guidebooks?
248
00:16:04,644 --> 00:16:08,546
It should be, it's the hottest spot in town!
It's always open!
249
00:16:15,721 --> 00:16:17,382
What's going on?
250
00:16:21,827 --> 00:16:22,885
What did you say?
251
00:16:23,162 --> 00:16:26,359
She was in my kitchen,
she was wearing your shirt, I snapped.
252
00:16:26,766 --> 00:16:31,169
Who asked you to butt your nose
into my... Samantha, wait! Don't go!
253
00:16:35,741 --> 00:16:38,904
I didn't know your mom
was nominated for an Oscar.
254
00:16:38,978 --> 00:16:40,809
Best Documentary Short.
255
00:16:42,181 --> 00:16:45,981
I just love that she still has
so many ambitions for herself.
256
00:16:47,520 --> 00:16:50,580
I'm not really in the mood
to talk about my mom.
257
00:16:51,924 --> 00:16:54,791
I'm not really in the mood to talk at all.
258
00:17:06,439 --> 00:17:08,600
Don't touch it!
259
00:17:31,097 --> 00:17:34,032
What was the documentary short
about anyway?
260
00:17:37,803 --> 00:17:39,498
Good, you're back.
261
00:17:40,339 --> 00:17:43,900
I swear to God, if you hand me a muffin,
I'm out of here.
262
00:17:44,143 --> 00:17:46,611
You don't know Samantha. I do.
263
00:17:46,679 --> 00:17:50,638
She has so many notches on her bedpost,
it's almost whittled down to a toothpick.
264
00:17:50,716 --> 00:17:52,081
It was fun.
265
00:17:52,651 --> 00:17:53,675
I know.
266
00:17:53,753 --> 00:17:57,450
You had your little fling, now you can
go back to Leslie and work it out.
267
00:17:57,523 --> 00:18:01,289
We're not working it out.
You think you know Wesley and Leslie?
268
00:18:01,494 --> 00:18:03,553
Let me tell you about Wesley and Leslie.
269
00:18:04,130 --> 00:18:08,294
Leslie's frigid and before last night,
Wesley hadn't gotten laid in two years.
270
00:18:09,135 --> 00:18:11,467
- My God.
- I was going out of my mind.
271
00:18:11,537 --> 00:18:13,596
I've seen a pastor. I've seen a shrink.
272
00:18:13,672 --> 00:18:18,302
But until I saw Samantha,
I didn't realize what I really needed: Sex.
273
00:18:18,677 --> 00:18:22,306
- So it was a good thing.
- It was a frigging great thing.
274
00:18:22,415 --> 00:18:23,746
That Samantha...
275
00:18:24,483 --> 00:18:26,474
You've really got a good friend there.
276
00:18:35,628 --> 00:18:37,186
It's Charlotte.
277
00:18:41,967 --> 00:18:45,903
- That was a terrible thing I said.
- Yes, it was.
278
00:18:46,272 --> 00:18:47,569
If you'll excuse me...
279
00:18:47,640 --> 00:18:50,973
...I have another tour group coming
through my vagina in 10 minutes.
280
00:18:51,043 --> 00:18:52,340
I'm so sorry.
281
00:18:52,912 --> 00:18:55,506
- You said what you came to say?
- Wait!
282
00:18:58,584 --> 00:19:00,449
I wanted to give you this.
283
00:19:05,191 --> 00:19:07,091
Samantha was touched.
284
00:19:08,661 --> 00:19:11,255
She realized
this was Charlotte's way of saying...
285
00:19:11,497 --> 00:19:13,897
"...Thank you for fucking my brother."
286
00:19:13,966 --> 00:19:15,331
Get in there.
287
00:19:18,571 --> 00:19:21,233
Hey, kidsl Funtastics on Three.
288
00:19:23,676 --> 00:19:28,272
Miranda decided she had ceded
enough territory to the invading troops.
289
00:19:30,049 --> 00:19:32,847
Do you mind?
He really loves to push the button.
290
00:19:32,918 --> 00:19:35,614
Yeah? So do I.
291
00:19:42,528 --> 00:19:45,497
That is so sexy.
292
00:19:46,398 --> 00:19:48,992
You in bed with my book.
293
00:19:50,636 --> 00:19:52,297
It's really great.
294
00:19:57,476 --> 00:20:01,242
- Do that again.
- What, turn the page?
295
00:20:04,350 --> 00:20:05,442
Baby.
296
00:20:09,855 --> 00:20:10,844
Again.
297
00:20:17,296 --> 00:20:18,854
Wait, stop.
298
00:20:20,666 --> 00:20:23,430
Let's just take this nice and slow.
299
00:20:24,603 --> 00:20:29,597
You tell me if you're feeling too excited
and we'll take a little break.
300
00:20:30,676 --> 00:20:31,836
Why?
301
00:20:32,344 --> 00:20:35,836
Because I think we both
really want this to work.
302
00:20:39,351 --> 00:20:42,445
I love that you get so turned on by me...
303
00:20:42,755 --> 00:20:45,588
...and I am very turned on by you.
304
00:20:46,258 --> 00:20:49,694
Maybe we've just been
in too much of a rush.
305
00:20:51,530 --> 00:20:55,728
- Forget it.
- No, I don't want to forget it. Come here.
306
00:20:56,602 --> 00:21:00,368
- Let's talk about it.
- No! I don't want to talk about it.
307
00:21:00,873 --> 00:21:02,431
I think we have to.
308
00:21:02,775 --> 00:21:06,404
Why does everything have to be about sex!
I am so sick of talking about sex.
309
00:21:06,478 --> 00:21:09,072
I've been talking about it since I was 2.
310
00:21:09,949 --> 00:21:11,143
So let's go.
311
00:21:12,418 --> 00:21:14,545
My parents are expecting us.
312
00:21:17,356 --> 00:21:21,816
Duncan and I went down to
the Neil Simon Theater and spent $65...
313
00:21:21,894 --> 00:21:22,918
$75.
314
00:21:23,162 --> 00:21:26,256
To see a British movie star
simulate a blowjob.
315
00:21:26,498 --> 00:21:28,989
I wonder if that's what Neil had in mind.
316
00:21:29,835 --> 00:21:33,771
- Did she show her tits?
- No. How's the pickled herring?
317
00:21:34,173 --> 00:21:35,640
It's very good.
318
00:21:35,708 --> 00:21:38,871
Franny tells me that you two
are going camping this weekend.
319
00:21:39,578 --> 00:21:43,571
- Where's the scallion cream cheese?
- It's out there on the table.
320
00:21:44,617 --> 00:21:45,811
I don't see it.
321
00:21:46,485 --> 00:21:48,680
Then check the refrigerator.
322
00:21:50,356 --> 00:21:53,689
- Why is he so edgy?
- I have no idea.
323
00:21:54,193 --> 00:21:57,856
- Don't let him pull that moody shit on you.
- I know. It's such a pose.
324
00:21:57,930 --> 00:22:01,696
Since he got published,
he's suddenly this tortured artist.
325
00:22:01,800 --> 00:22:04,997
- Where's the cream cheese?
- It's out there.
326
00:22:17,082 --> 00:22:21,280
Why buy this shit if you can't remember
the one thing that holds it all together?
327
00:22:22,821 --> 00:22:26,348
Let's deal with what's really upsetting you.
Shall we?
328
00:22:27,860 --> 00:22:32,024
If everything's on the table, why don't we
start with some scallion cream cheese?
329
00:22:35,200 --> 00:22:39,432
Jenna and I looked at each other
like two foreigners without visas.
330
00:22:42,775 --> 00:22:47,542
You know what, I think I'd better go.
I've got a deadline.
331
00:22:52,284 --> 00:22:56,653
I'll go. Thank you for lunch, for everything.
332
00:23:08,367 --> 00:23:11,029
What happened?
Everything was going so well.
333
00:23:11,470 --> 00:23:12,994
It really wasn't.
334
00:23:13,172 --> 00:23:16,801
I know what it is.
His last girlfriend wasn't as discreet.
335
00:23:16,909 --> 00:23:19,742
I don't want to get in the irony.
He writes short stories.
336
00:23:21,180 --> 00:23:24,013
This has officially become too weird.
337
00:23:24,216 --> 00:23:27,242
Really, in a situation like this,
you gotta laugh.
338
00:23:27,419 --> 00:23:32,254
All right, it's a problem.
But you'll work it out.
339
00:23:34,560 --> 00:23:36,687
He won't even talk about it.
340
00:23:36,929 --> 00:23:40,023
- You want me to talk to him?
- No.
341
00:23:40,933 --> 00:23:46,496
- I can't discuss this with you.
- You can! You and I can discuss anything.
342
00:23:47,372 --> 00:23:50,000
So your sex life isn't so great. So what?
343
00:23:51,043 --> 00:23:54,604
Seventy-seven percent
of all marriages are sexless.
344
00:23:54,747 --> 00:23:58,945
Other things are so much more important,
like family.
345
00:24:00,586 --> 00:24:04,249
Then I saw that the person I really
had to break up with wasn't Vaughn.
346
00:24:04,323 --> 00:24:06,052
It was his mother.
347
00:24:07,292 --> 00:24:12,559
I would still like us to be friends.
No, I mean that.
348
00:24:13,365 --> 00:24:16,334
And what happens
when you meet somebody else?
349
00:24:16,502 --> 00:24:19,869
I can tell you now, they won't have
a mother like me. You know that.
350
00:24:21,473 --> 00:24:26,536
You know that we have something.
What we have is very special.
351
00:24:30,682 --> 00:24:32,309
All right, well.
352
00:24:36,255 --> 00:24:37,813
Call me sometime.
353
00:24:38,757 --> 00:24:40,657
- I will.
- Sweetie.
354
00:24:45,798 --> 00:24:49,962
Wallis was right. The most
important thing in life is your family.
355
00:24:50,636 --> 00:24:53,867
There are days you love them,
and others you don't.
356
00:24:53,939 --> 00:24:57,807
But in the end, they're the people
you always come home to.
357
00:24:57,876 --> 00:25:00,344
Sometimes it's the family you're born into.
358
00:25:00,445 --> 00:25:04,074
And sometimes it's the one
you make for yourself.
359
00:25:08,153 --> 00:25:11,316
- What are you doing here?
- Come here.
360
00:25:31,000 --> 00:25:38,000
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361
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