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man: l.a.--what a town.

It's the only place
4 in the morning,

you got bumper-to-bumper
traffic.

We have the most careful
drivers in l.a.

They're always giving
hand signals.

Yeah--the finger.

I'll tell you
one thing about l.a.--

The population
never changes.

Yeah, every time
a kid is born,

some guy leaves town.

Oh, nowhere else on earth

are the people
more beautiful--

Gorgeous women,
handsome men.

Huh, the trouble is,

you can't tell
which is which.

Hey, look at that--
The santa monica pier.

I like to go fishing there.

Oh, I tell you--

I go fishing,
I catch nothing.

I go to orgies,
I catch everything.

Oh, I'll tell you,
this town is really booming,

and I helped build it.

I'm monte peterson,
land developer.

Hey, there's
one of my towers.

And there's a new office
building I'm erecting.

I also erected
a new sports complex.

I erected
a downtown library.

I get erections
all over this town.

And I started from scratch.

When I was a kid,
I had nothing.

We were poor.

We were so poor,
when my father died,

they asked my mother,
"paper or plastic?"

oh, now that I got
a few bucks,

i'm happy to say I can
help out where it's needed.

And I'm sorry to say

that I'm the number one
prize chump

when it comes to women.

[sigh]

where the hell
is he?

You can drop me off
right here, baby.

Oh, honey, park the car.
I won't be long.

And by the way,
the offer I made you--

It still goes--i'll give you
a thousand bucks.

Let me spend an hour
with you.

I'm sorry.
It's just not enough.

Ok, I'll spend
2 hours with you.

Aren't you afraid
of sexual harassment?

You know, kid, with me,
it's sexual embarrassment.

The last time I had sex,
I was arrested

for assault
with a dead weapon.

Come on.

Woman: well,
there's no way.

Man: whoa, I never expected
to see my 2 ex-wives here.

They're here as defense
witnesses for blanche,

your soon-to-be
new ex-wife.

Yeah, look at them.

First
there was louise.

What a relationship
we had.

Every time
I wanted sex,

she left the room
to give me privacy.

The only time
I heard her yell

"i'm coming"

is when I was holding
the elevator.

And number 2
was ginger.

ho,
She drove me nuts.

She couldn't
do nothing right.

Then why'd you marry her?

oh,
She did one thing right.

And now this one--
Blanche.

This was really love.

I opened my wallet,
and there she was.

As soon
as we got married,

she put everything
under both names--

Her and her mother's.

She played around plenty.

Before we got married,

she told me I was
one in a million.

I found out
she was right.

Well, here we go again.

Would, uh,
mrs. Peterson's attorney

please start
the opening arguments?

Ahem.

Your honor, my client,
blanche peterson,

is the casualty

of a cold-hearted,
negligent husband

who refused to acknowledge
her very existence.

Monte peterson polluted

this once-solid
rock of gibraltar marriage

by squandering
all of his time

on his construction business

and his wild,
extravagant ski weekends.

In the interim,

mrs. Peterson
showered Mr. Peterson

with loving devotion
and attention and affection,

only to be spurned.

Remember, she gave him

the best 3 months
of her life.

Thank you.

Monte peterson
is the victim here--

The victim of a woman

who was never in love
with the man,

but in love with his money.

I further understand

that this marriage
broke up

because
of another woman.

That's right, your honor.

I didn't even know
they were seeing each other.

Your honor,
I have to object.

Yeah, so did i.
That's why we're here.

Please, Mr. Peterson,
you're out of order.

You know, you never
satisfied me anyway.

You never satisfied
me, either.

Satisfy you? Ha.

With you, I never
had the chance.

Your honor,

she married my client
under false pretenses.

Yeah, I can start
with her chest.

Judge: Mr. Peterson!

Every time we had sex,

she kept calling out,
"rocky, rocky!"

your honor, I object

to Mr. Peterson's
insinuation

that my client slept
with another man.

Rocky's our dog!

Oh, ho-ho! When I am
through with you,

you're gonna be
in the poorhouse, baby.

Really, huh?

I'm sorry the dog
wasn't a pit bull, ok?

[all shouting at once]

[judge pounds gavel]

order! Order!

Order in this court!
Order!

[shouting continues]

well, I'm free again,
thanks to you, janet.

As always,
you're the best.

Can't you just date a woman
without saying, "i do"?

You know, believe it or not,
I like being married.

I just haven't found
the right one.

I guess what I really want
is the girl next door.

You want the girl
next door,

you want the girl
up the block,

you want the girl
across the street,

you want the girl
around the corner.

You're hopeless.

So where are you
off to today?

Utah. A little place
called redwood springs.

You better get some sleep.
You look exhausted.

I'll sleep on the plane.

Good luck. I can never
sleep on a plane.

You kidding?
I'll sleep like a baby.

[crying]

[crying]

[crying]

shh.

that's my daughter cissie.

And the little guy there,
that's ray junior.

I can't believe
this is you, ray--

A family man.

You loved the ladies
more than I did.

That was a long time
ago, monte.

My wild days are over.

I'm married now.
I got 2 little ones.

Yeah? I'm single, and
I've got one little one.

Hey, how far is this
redwood springs anyway?

Well, along these back
country roads,

about 2 hours
outside of salt lake city.

Hey, monte, remember
that week in aspen?

We met that wild chick
in the bar.

I went out with her
for 2 nights,

and you had her
for 2 nights,

then she went out with
the entire construction crew.

We nicknamed her bell
because everybody banged her.

Remember?

I wonder whatever
happened to her.

I married her.

Monte: hey, look at that--

"love thy neighbor
as thyself."

What am I supposed to do--
Jerk him off, too?

[both laugh]

man: I figured
if I could just get

one more season
of crops in,

then I might maybe
be able to pay you back

some of the money
I owe you.

Well, I'm sorry.
Your property already is

in the process
of foreclosure.

But I promise
to pay when I can.

Well, a promise is only
as good as your collateral.

Do you have any?

Well, sir,
the only collateral I gots

is these 2 good hands.

This one binds up
once in a while.

Well, uh,
I can't promise anything.

I'll talk it over
with my associate,

and I'll come back
with the answer shortly.

Thank you, Mr. Gates.

Can I wait here?

Sure. Make yourself
comfortable.

Sir, that important
phone call

you've
been waiting for

is on line 2.

You'll have to go now.

But what about
my loan extension?

You said you'd
give me an answer.

There's no loan extension.

The bank's foreclosing
immediately.

Go home and pack.

Yeah, but, Mr. Gates--

I know you got 2 good hands.

Why don't you use
one of them,

open that door,
and leave?

[gasping]

quick, quick, quick!

sir?

Thank you for banking
with federal trust.

Have a nice day.

Thank you.

Quick! Quick! Quick!

[horse neighs]

mr. Morano.

How are things
in sunny las vegas?

Watch what you say.
Maybe the lines are tapped.

Good, good!

You can tell your people
the auction is today.

And that land you wanted?

Well, as you say,
it's in the bag.

Right! Definitely,

at the same price
we discussed.

You have my word on it.

bye.

Sir, I'm a little nervous

about dealing
with these kind of people.

These kind of people?

Stewart, I think
you been watching

too many
gangster movies.

[whimpering]

ray: well,
what did I tell you?

Beautiful, isn't it?

You see that whole
side of the mountain?

As far as you can
see down the valley,

that could all be
your property.

We even got a log cabin
up the slope.

Hey! I'll tell you,
it's perfect.

I can picture the whole
layout, you know?

I'll put
the main ski lodge

right down at the base
of the mountain.

Then I'll put in
10 high-speed lifts.

Then I'll put the second lodge
right here at the top,

with a big fireplace

then, when the girls
come in to get warm,

who do you think will be
there waiting for them?

Mr. Wrong.

You know, ray, it's always
been one of my dreams

to have my own ski lodge,
you know?

Thanks to you, I got it.

Hey, just don't go
forgetting your old buddy

when it's time
to hire a foreman.

Oh, you got the job.
You kidding?

Hey, who do I make
the check out to?

Well, hold on.

This time,

it's a little more
complicated than that.

And now we come to the estate
of brother jethro wallace.

Brother jethro, of course,

is no longer...with us.

God rest his soul.

Let us now have
a moment of silence

in honor of him.

hmm.
hmm.

Ok! Let's get this show
on the ro-o-oad!

The wallace estate,

which consists of 100 acres
of prime farmland,

wallace mountain,
and a 2-story farm house.

Bidding starts at $500,000.

Do I hear 500,000?

500.

Mr. Gates starts
the bidding at 500,000.

Do I hear any more?

500,000 going once.

Told you--in the bag.

500,000 going twice.

5 and a quarter.

[all gasp]

I hear 5 and a quarter

from the gentleman
in the back row.

Who is that?
I don't know, sir.

He's not
from around here.

5 and a quarter going once.

5 and a quarter
going twice.

600.

6! 6!

6 and a quarter.

6 and a quarter.
6 and a quarter. 6.

700.

700. And 7?

7 and a quarter.

7. 7. 7. 7 and a quarter.
7 and a quarter.

800!

8!

8 and a quarter!

8! 8! 8!

$1 million!

Let's see him
top that.

$1 million going once.

$1 million going twice!

And a quarter.

1 million and a quarter
going once.

Sir, you can't
go any higher.

It's not your money.

1 million and a quarter
going twice!

I told tony morano
it was in the bag.

We'll be in the bag--
In body bags!

And sold to the gentleman
for $1,250,000!

Congratulations.

Monte, your dream
is becoming a reality.

It's great, isn't it?

[whimpering]

monte:
beautiful, huh?

Boy, I think you made
an enemy there.

Ah, forget him.
Let's go celebrate.

Here you go, gentlemen.

I'll be right back
with your menus.

Oh, wait a minute. Bring me
a double scotch and water.

And ray, what do you want?

I'm sorry. We don't
serve liquor here.

No liquor? What kind
of joint is this?

Sorry.
I forgot to tell you.

It's against
their religion

to drink or sell liquor
in this community.

How am I gonna open
a ski lodge with no booze?

Don't worry. Almost
all your property

is outside
the city limits

of redwood springs.

You see,
only the farm house

and a couple acres
right around it

are under the town's
jurisdiction,

and the--monte,
monte, monte, monte.

They don't smoke,
either.

Thank you.

It's against
their religion.

What if I have to go
to the bathroom?

Or is that against
their religion, huh?

Hey, ray, the table there.
Check it out, will you?

What a lucky guy.

His daughters
all take him out

and show him a great time
on his birthday, you know?

Those aren't his daughters.

They're his wives.

His wives?

He's a polygamist.

Almost all the people
in redwood springs are.

You see,
in their religion,

it's perfectly acceptable

for a man to have
all the wives he wants.

I heard about that,
you know?

And in some cases,
when a man dies,

he can leave
all his possessions,

including his wives,

to whomever he wants.

How do the women
feel about that?

It's the way
they were brought up.

They don't know
any other way.

Look how young
they all are.

How come they all got married
to an old guy like that?

In their religion,
they believe

the older you are,

the closer you are
to god.

Closer to god, huh?

Well, that guy
could be his roommate.

The more wives
a man has,

the more important
he is, hmm?

Even the famous
brigham young

was a polygamist.

He had 27 wives.

I remember the words
of brigham young--

He said, "i don't care
how you bring 'em,

but bring 'em young."

Now, wait a minute.
I have an idea.

Maybe we should break
the bad news

to tony morano
over the phone.

We could get in the cab

and go back
to the airport.

That's a great idea,
stewart.

I mean, here we are,

standing right at
the entrance of his hotel,

and you want to fly back
and call him from utah.

I was thinking australia.

Come on. You got
nothing to worry about.

Get it through your head--

Tony morano is
a legitimate businessman.

♪ la donna eÉ mobile ♪

♪ qual piuma al vento...

Tony, I swear
on my mother's grave,

I didn't take the money.

You got to believe me.
I didn't do it.

You go south
with my money.

You made me
reach out for you.

Now you want
to sit here.

You want to lie
to me?

[telephone rings]

[ring]

morano: talk fast.

Oh, they are?

Ok, send 'em right in.

Shuffles, friends
from utah are here.

Mr. Morano, how very nice
to see you again.

Fellas, fellas,
how you doing?

This is my associate
stewart.

Mr. Morano.

Nice to meet you

here, take a seat.
Take a load off.

Go ahead. Relax.

I'll tell you what.

Shuffles, why don't you
finish this conversation

with romeo, uh, outside?

Come on. It's ok.
Come on.

Wow. Did you see
the scar on that guy?

He must be tough.

He ain't tough. The guy
that gave him the scar--

Now, he's tough.

So what can I do you for
guys while you're in town?

You want something
to eat, drink,

take in a show?

Romeo: what are you doing?

Don't throw me off! Aah!

Maybe go see that, uh,
ziegfried and ray

with the zebras,
whatever.

I got it--broads.

Shuffles:
he didn't have much to say.

Oh, by the way,

this is my associate--
Shuffles.

You can see how he
got his name, huh?

Word of advice--

If shuffles starts shuffling
a little slower,

you gotta
start talking fast.

If shuffles should
stop shuffling,

well, you don't
got to be einstein

to figure that one
out, huh?

Keep shuffling.

All right, let's get
down to business.

My boss,
for various reasons,

wants to invest

in your rinky-dink
little town, right?

So we go,
we make a deal.

What do you guys do?
You break it.

Well, the guy
that was in here

a few minutes ago,
romeo,

we had a deal,
and he broke it.

Now all the king's horses
and all the king's men,

well, they can't put romeo
back together again, eh?

Like humpty-dumpty.

Exactly. So I'm gonna
give you a chance

to fix this problem,

and if your problem

should become
my problem, well...

[whimpers]

then you got
a real problem.

And don't take it
as a threat,

'cause
i'm the nicest guy

you'd ever want
to get to know.

The problem is...

You might not be
around long enough

to get to know me.

[bicycle bell rings]

monte:
the federal trust bank...

"where trust is everything."

Then how come all the pens
are chained down?

After this, we got to go
over to the church.

You can sign the final
papers for your property.

Why the church?

They're handling
the previous owner's estate.

But that's how I got you
into the auction, remember?

You have to become
a member of the church.

Ok, all right,
all right.

Now, honey, you get
the right lawyer,

he'll get you
out of here, you know?

May I help you, sir?

Yeah, I want to open
a new account, ok?

Here. Start with this.

I'll have to get this
approved.

Where is he?

Stewart, it's him.

The guy
from the auction.

En garde!
Hey, hey!

Monte peterson.

Miss jennings, you go
open his account.

Tell him there's gonna
be a hold on his funds

till I can
verify his check

with the bank
in los angeles.

Yes, sir. Wow.

$5 million.

wow.
Quick, quick, quick.

First he outbid you
on the land.

Now he makes
this big deposit.

Do you think he really knows
what the land is worth?

no,
I doubt that very much,

but I don't want
to take any chances.

You find out
what you can about him.

You got it.

Stewart, don't ask him.

And what church
do you attend now,

mr. Peterson?

I don't know.
It's all according

to where the bingo game is,
you know?

[nervous laughter]

we don't have
bingo here.

You don't have bingo
here, huh?

I guess there's no time.

You're too busy
with bango, huh?

Bingo, bango.

Well, everything
seems to be in order,

mr. Peterson.

Now, as a new member
of our community,

you must abide by
the strict doctrines

and beliefs
of our religion.

Oh, I got no problem
with that.

And it is expected
of all our members

to make periodic
donations to the church.

Hey, boys, it's
my pleasure, you know?

In fact, right now,

is there anything special
you may need, huh?

Oh. Well, we could
use a new organ.

Mm-hmm.

A new organ, huh?
I'll tell you, boys,

at my age, I know
exactly how you feel.

You know? Here.
Take this, ok?

Get a new organ
for you, ok?

And as long as you're at it,
i'll tell you what.

Get a violin. Here.
Get a second fiddle.

Get a cello, ok? A harp.

Here. Take it all.

Get the whole string
section, all right?

Oh, thank you.
You're most generous.

That's all right.

Now that you're
officially

a member of the church,

you can take over
your property.

Oh, beautiful,
beautiful.

And your new wives.

Did I hear you say
something about wives?

Yes, 3, to be precise.

Brother jethro had just
recently acquired them

before his demise.

The estate consists
of the mountain property,

the existing home,

and your 3 new wives.

New wives? I'm still trying
to forget the old ones.

But the land
comes with the wives.

Everyone at the auction
knew that.

I didn't know it.
I swear.

Whoa. Look, I can't
get married again.

I'm over my limit.

The whole deal
is off, you hear?

Your wives are over here.
Would you like to meet them?

The answer is no.

Ray, I gotta
stop the check.

Brother monte, say hello
to your new wives.

There's no way
in the whole world

you could make me
marry 3--

Stephanie, virginia,
and emily.

Hey, ray, I think I just
found religion, you know?

Do you, stephanie,
take monte as your husband?

I do.

And do you, monte,
take stephanie for your wife?

Oh, you bet I do.

Do you, emily,
take monte?

I do.

Do you, monte,
take emily?

What do you think,
i'm nuts?

I definitely do.

Virginia,
do you take monte?

I do.

Monte,
do you take virginia?

I do. Oh, you have no idea
what I want to do.

Then I now pronounce you
man and wives.

Oh, don't worry, honey.

I'll take it nice and slow
and easy.

Ooh, I'm ready for you,
monte.

Maybe
we should talk first--

You know, get to know
each other, you know?

Hee hee hee hee hee!

Boy, now I know what
a rock star goes through.

Janet: you idiot!
You jackass! You moron!

I know, janet, I know.

You told me not to get
married again, and I did.

I couldn't help it.

But 3--3 wives?

Look at it this way--
When I get divorced,

you'll get paid for
3 settlements at once.

The hell with that.

You're lucky you don't
end up in prison.

Monte,
bigamy is a felony.

Stop worrying, ok?

Look, I can't deal
with this right now.

I'll call you tomorrow.

Is there
a time difference

between l.a.
And redwood springs?

Yeah, about 100 years.

Ray: you ok?

You look,
uh, dead.

Ray, my wives
are killing me.

All they want
is sex, sex, sex.

I believe when god made me,
he made a mistake.

He gave me 2 eyes,
2 ears, 2 hands.

What I really need 2 of,
he only gave me 1.

Ray, I can't
keep up with 'em.

I mean, they're thinking
i'm don juan.

After one, I'm done.

I'll tell you right now,
in the condition I'm in,

i'm envious
of a stiff wind.

I'm sorry,

but the whole thing
sounds ridiculous.

Well, ray, you know,

I really wanted
that property, you know?

And you saw
how beautiful they are.

Yeah, it must be nice

to have 3 women
to wait on you.

Don't worry.
I got my problems.

I got 3 wives.
Not one of them can cook.

Last night,
they made me a hamburger.

I used it
to scrub the sink.

Man: number 5.

I'll tell you, ray,
i'm not a kid anymore.

It takes me all night

to do what I used to do
all night.

I mean, I'm getting old.

Well, last night,
they all asked me

if I wanted to have
some super sex.

I took the soup.

You got to pace
yourself, man.

I tell you, I don't know
what I'm gonna do, you know?

Number 6.

Hey, that's me--
Number 6.

oh.

That's me.

Monte: let's go. I'm waiting
3 minutes already.

[accordion playing]

all right, girls,
you're on your own.

If you behave yourself,

i'll take you on
the merry-go-round.

But I'm gonna go over
to the baking contest

'cause I'm gonna
enter my kumquat.

Your what?

My pie.

Oh. Pie.
Yeah. Ok. Right.

I got the recipe
from martha stewart.

I hope I get lucky.

You wait till you get home.
Then you'll get lucky.

Monte, emily and I are gonna
enter the wheelbarrow race.

Emily:
you want to join us?

I'll wait till we get home.
Then I'll join you.

Hee hee hee hee!

Did you find out anything?

He owns a construction
company in los angeles.

He bought the property
so he could build a ski lodge.

Damn it, he knows.

He probably got
tipped off

like tony morano's
boss.

It could be
a coincidence.

Oh, rubbish. I stand to make
a lot of money on this deal,

and now this peterson
character comes along and--

It's a wonderful
picnic, isn't it?

Wonderful picnic.
The best in years.

We're looking forward
to hearing you call

the square dance.

Well, I hate
to toot my own horn,

but I think this year's
gonna be my best ever.

It's a gates family
tradition, you know.

Hey, who are they?

That's Mr. Gates'
great-great-grandparents.

They were the founders
of our town.

Founders, huh? I don't
know where he found her.

He should have
left her there.

Brother monte!

Hey, boys!
How are you, huh?

You know this man?

Oh, yes. Brother monte
just became

a member of our church.

What?

And he's been most generous
with his donations.

[laughter]

how are you getting along
with your new wives?

Is it working out?

I don't know.
It's never out. [laughs]

brother andrew and I have
to be getting along.

We're judging
the pie-baking contest.

Oh, by the way, one
of my wives, virginia,

she's entered in that
contest, you know?

Boy, she'd do anything

if she could win
the blue ribbon.

Sorry, brother monte,

but the lord forbids us
to be biased.

Oh, I understand.
I mean,

I don't mean anything
by it, you know?

Of course.

Speaking of the lord,

there's one donation
I forgot to make.

ok?

That's for the lord, eh?

Oh, of course.
[laughs]

the lord.

What was her name again?

Virginia.
And if she wins,

that's only
half of it, ok?

All right, baby.

Hey, boys, monte peterson.
How are you, huh?

Yes, I know. You were
at the land auction.

Right. Oh!
You were there too.

hey,
No hard feelings, huh?

[clapping]

huh. Hey.

You opened an account
at my bank.

That's right, yeah.

Hey, gates, this is
some nice little town

you got here, you know?

Yeah. What made you decide
to settle down

in redwood springs,
mr. Peterson?

Well, I got a hot tip
on a piece of land,

you know?

A hot tip?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
To my surprise,

I bought the land,
and I found out...

[laughter]

it's worth much more
than I bargained for,

if you know what I mean.

Boys, I'll see you
around, huh?

Stewart, I think we have
a real problem.

Next contestant
is virginia peterson.

That's me!

And what is
your entry, my dear?

Kumquat pie.

[indistinct chatter]

mmm.

mmm-mmm.
[chuckles]

mmm. Mmm.

Is something wrong?
[spits]

I think it needs
less kum and more quat.

[merry-go-round
music playing]

oh, thanks.

You know,
this punch has no punch.

[laughs]

hi. I'm monte.
I'm gwen gates.

Oh, you're stephanie's
big sister.

Well,
that makes you my--

Sister-in-law.

Right.
How about that, huh?

Gwendolyn? What on earth
are you doing?

I was just
saying hello.

Well, you go
with the others. Now!

Quick, quick, quick!

Hey, gates.

I bet when you have sex,
it's the same way, huh?

Quick, quick, quick!

I find you
very offensive.

Ah, gates,
take it easy, will you?

It turns out I'm married
to gwen's sister stephanie.

And that makes
you and I related.

Oh, I'll tell you,
it's nice to have

a banker in the family,
you know?

And gates,

watch out for those
early withdrawals, huh?

[chuckles]

[indistinct talking]

[laughing]

hi!

emily: ha ha ha! My toe.
Oh, you're--

You're light on my toes.

ooh!

Hey, stephanie,
your turn.

Oh, I didn't forget
you, virginia.

Thank you, brothers.

As you all know,
it's customary,

whenever we have a new
member of our church,

to introduce them,
to let them say a few words.

Please give a big warm
redwood springs welcome

for brother monte peterson.

How you doing?
What do you say, folks?

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Well, thank you,
brother andrew,

and thank you,
ladies and gentlemen.

I'm here tonight
with my 3 lovely wives--

Stephanie, virginia,
and emily.

I'll tell you. The best part
about having 3 wives--

I mean, they all can't
have a headache.

[laughter]

but they are
3 lovely young girls.

They keep me on my toes,

and I love
the new position.

Some of you know why I'm
here in redwood springs.

I'm about to embark
on a new project

that's gonna bring a lot of
jobs and money to this town--

A new ski lodge.

[playing turkey in the straw]

what's this?

Oh. Well, it's time
for the square dance.

oh.

Hey, why don't you
let brother monte

call
the square dance?

Oh, now--

Yeah, let brother monte
call it.

boo!

All right, here we go.

Hey, wait, wait!
I'm supposed to do this!

Just treat her right.
She won't say no.

She'll show you
her do-si-do.

Hee-haw! Well, I knew a girl.
Her name was hannah.

She'll show you
how to eat a banana.

Tally-ho!

Yee-ha!

So when you make love
and you can't make it,

do what she does--
You can fake it.

Yahoo!

So come on, ladies,
grab your dates.

Just be glad
his name ain't gates.

I'm supposed
to do that.

[telephone dialing]

[women weeping]

mr. Morano,
I've got good news.

It's about time.

A new parcel of land
twice the size of the one

you were originally
interested in

just became available.

Oh, yeah?
How'd that happen?

The owner died.

The family got a lot of
its property that way...

Right after
a guy died.

Man: uhh!
Ha ha ha!

Nevertheless,
I assure you,

nothing will go wrong
this time.

It better not.

Once indian gambling is
legalized in utah,

the family expects to get
a big piece of that action.

I guarantee by tomorrow
at this time,

you'll be the proud owner
of 200 acres

of the most valuable
reservation land...

Hey! Wanna keep it down
out there?

I'm on the phone
over here!

man:
No, no, no! Aah!

I'll talk to you later.
Go get something to eat.

[pool water splashing]

he's a splasher.

Ha ha! Yeah! Yeah!

Ladies, I can't tell you
how sorry I am about your loss.

Jacob boorman
was a good man.

I'm sure
he'll walk with god.

He always spoke of you
so highly, Mr. Gates.

He regarded you as one
of his closest friends.

I often thought
of jacob, too,

whenever he was behind
on the mortgage.

I'm afraid he was
in a lot of debt.

So unless you ladies
can come up with back taxes,

second and third mortgage,

i'm afraid
i'll have to foreclose.

What about jacob's
insurance policy?

Discontinued.

He never kept up
his policy payments.

His will?

Nothing. Oh!

This is for you.

It's an eviction notice.

[both
weeping]

how much time
do we have?

Well, since jacob was
such a dear, dear friend,

you don't have to get out
until noon tomorrow.

[weeping]

hey, hi, virginia.

I'd ask you
what's cooking,

but I'm afraid.

Well, tonight
i'm making pot roast.

Oh! Great. Beautiful.
I wish you good luck.

'cause last night's dinner,
something went wrong.

Is my cooking that bad?

Well, I'll put it
this way--

If we go on a picnic,

i'm bringing tums
for the ants.

Well, tonight the pot roast
will make up for it.

I hope so.
I love pot roast.

Are you kidding?

Let me take a quick
look at it, all right?

Hey, martha stewart.

Your pot roast.

It turned out
to be roast pot.

But I still love ya,
honey. It's all right.

That reminds me.
We have a date tonight at 8:00.

8:00, I know.

And I got emily at 6:00
and stephanie at 10:00.

I tell ya, I think
i'll take a carrot.

I might as well eat like
a rabbit, too, you know?

Monte, there's a little
favor I want to ask you.

Oh, sure, honey, anything.

I want you
to marry my sister.

Marry your sister?

I can't keep up with
what I got now.

Please?

She's very sweet.

She's my younger sister
sarah,

and her husband's
just died.

Look, I told ya,

i'm not looking
for any more wives.

I guess it wouldn't hurt
to meet the girl, huh?

Hi. I'm monte.
You must be sarah, huh?

Oh, yes.
Please, come in.

Oh, thank you.

I just dropped by
to say hello, you know?

Maybe this is
a bad time, huh?

Would you like
to see the body?

Oh, yeah!

Maybe we should
be alone, huh?

Oh, you mean
the dead guy.

Oh, no, thanks.

Stephanie just wanted me
to come over and meet you,

and I'm glad she did.

Maybe 4 wives
isn't too bad, you know?

One for each season.

We really appreciate
what you're doing for us.

We? Us? What are you
talking about?

This is megan.

We're both jacob's wives.

If you marry one,
you have to marry the other.

What you're saying is
I can't break up the set.

Jacob never thought
of himself.

He always came last.

Ooh. I guess
he'll be remembered

for his willpower, huh?

Look, girls,
if I marry any,

I can only
marry one, ok?

[both crying]

I guess it was fun
while it lasted, huh?

Jake, I don't know
what to say.

This is the first time I ever
spoke to a dead stranger.

Hey, I'd like
to help you out,

but I already have
3 wives.

Two more would
probably kill me.

No offense.

But I can understand

why you married
both of them, you know?

They are gorgeous,
i'll tell you that.

Boy, oh, boy.

Oh, no!

[blows]

[grunting]

water!
I need water!

Oh, no.
I can't do that.

Oh! Flowers!

You know, jake, you look
much better without the beard.

You know you're not getting
a wake-up call.

Girls, I gotta go.

But I don't know
what we're gonna do.

Mr. Gates is gonna
take away our home.

We'll have to think
of something.

[women crying]

come on.
Stop crying, huh?

I mean,
I can't stand criers.

Screamers I like.

hey.

Look at the food
over there. Jesus.

Boy, it looks great.

We prepared some of
jacob's favorite dishes.

Oh, yeah? Boy,
that looks pretty good.

I didn't have my dinner
tonight, you know?

Ooh, a turkey leg.
I love that, you know?

Roast beef! Hey! Boy!

Rosemary potatoes. Whoo!

Two starches.
Who cares, huh?

This food is delicious!

What did jacob die of,
overeating?

Sarah,
do you take monte?

I do.

Monte,
do you take sarah?

I'll do what I can do.

I'm not as strong
as I used to be...

In a lot af areas.

[breathing heavily]

megan,
will you have monte?

I do.

Monte,
will you have megan?

I want her, too,
but no can do.

Then I now pronounce you
man and wife.

Honey, be gentle with me.

This is my first time.

Well, it's not mine!

Yeah!

That was awfully sweet
of peterson

to marry the widows
and pay off the debt.

Oh, shut up, stewart.

Don't you realize this
is the second promise

we've made
to tony morano

we haven't been
able to keep?

Remember what he said
he'd do to us.

I remember.
Humpty-dumpty.

That's why we gotta
find some way

to get rid of
peterson for good.

How do we do that?

Well, a good start

would be to have him
excommunicated.

If he's kicked out
of the church,

he loses all his holdings,
including his land.

Follow him, stewart.
Watch his every move.

Sooner or later, he's bound
to smoke or drink

or do whatever else
he'll do, and...

Just get me some proof!

Yes, sir.

Proof.

Proof.

Hey, brother wilbur,
how are ya?

Girls, how ya doing, huh?

You're happy,
aren't you?

Why shouldn't I be happy?

You're doing a great job
with the groundbreaking

at the ski lodge.

No, no, no.

You're happy

because you got
5 women who love you.

You're right.
I am happy.

I mean, I live
in this wonderful town,

and I got 5 gorgeous wives
who'd do anything for me.

They were brought up

to serve and please
their husband.

Well, I tell you, I'm gonna
do something special for them.

Since we never had a honeymoon,
i'm gonna take 'em all with me

to the builder's convention
in las vegas.

Show 'em a real good time,
you know?

Great idea.
Yeah.

Yeah, ray,
i'm doing good,

but I have my moments.

I mean,
this religion is tough.

So many times, I've thought
about sneaking a smoke

or having a drink,
you know?

I gotta go to the john.
I'll be right back.

[indistinct chatter]

[cell phone dialing]

anybody here?

I'm busy here.

I'm right in
the middle of something.

Well, do yourself
a favor--

Don't light a match.

Mr. Gates, I just saw peterson
going to the men's room.

I know it's no big deal,
but I also heard him say

he's thinking
about smoking and drinking.

Yes. Yes.

Ok. Yes.

This is great.

He's drinking
and smoking!

I got you!

oh.

I'm sorry.

This--I can explain.

You're not going
to hit me, are you?

Oh, I'm not going
to hit you.

But I am going
to take that camera.

Wait a minute!

And shove it
right up your...

I can explain!

Oh, that's very good,
stewart.

You certainly have got
a future in photography.

Keep after him.

Oh, stewart, uh,

whatever happened
to my camera?

I'd rather not say, sir.

[groaning]

valet: good evening, sir.

How are you?
Thank you, sir.

Hey, girls, keep close.

I know how the guys
are around here.

Good evening,
mr. Peterson.

We've been
expecting you.

Your rooms are ready.

Six honeymoon suites
on the ninth floor.

901 to 906.

And of course
you're welcome to gamble

in our v.i.p. Room.

Thank you.

Honey, if get any calls
from 9:00 to 10:00,

i'll be in room 901.

From 10:00 to 11:00,
i'll be in room 902.

11:00 to 12:00,
i'll be in room 903.

And if get any calls
after 12:00,

i'll be in traction.

Come on, girls.

I'll show you how
to roll the dice.

Lucky 6, can't miss!

Dealer: 7! 7 up!

Oh, girls,
you're learning things here

you won't learn
in redwood springs.

Sarah, come here.

I want you to throw
the dice for me.

Lady luck. Bring me
some luck, ok?

Go ahead, throw the dice.

Second dealer: 6!

Yeah!
[laughs]

I didn't throw yet!

Security.

What--no! I didn't throw--

Security.

Read my lips,
I didn't throw!

[chiming]

[clinking]

monte! Monte!

Good heavens! Monte!

i--
oh!

I think
I broke the machine!

All the money fell out.

Oh, boy.

I think we've had enough
gambling, girls.

Scoop up the money,
will you?

[horns honking]

[panting]

you bastard!

Take that!
oh!

Oh, yeah!

What, are you trying
to kill me?

Ball girl.

Fifth game straight.

mmm.

All right.
Get out of here.

Mmm. You. Come here.

What?
Come over here.

I want to talk to you.

That banker gates broke
his promise to me again.

I feel like smacking his head
through the pavement.

Yeah. I hear
he's having trouble

with some big-shot
land developer in l.a.

You know, if he can't
handle this guy,

we should step in.

Yeah, well,
i'll tell you what,

if I ever run
into this guy,

I hope
i'm driving a truck.

[laughs]

a ball, please?

Here you go, pal.

Oh, thanks, baby.

Excuse me. Excuse me.
I wasn't done talking.

I mean,
I couldn't help notice

you're with them
5 chicks over there.

Yeah.

You know, that might be

a little too hot
for you to handle.

No, no, no.
That's all right.

Thank you.
I got an idea.

Maybe after the game,
we take these chicks out,

we get them
all liquored up,

they get sloppy for us
on the dance floor. Eh?

Oh, no, no. We don't
drink, you know?

Drink, don't drink--

Hey, you're
my kind of guy.

You know
what I'm saying? Hey,

you hire
5 chicks at once,

you put them
in them costumes.

Hey, let me ask you--

What are you, like, into
that fantasy trip thing?

Oh, no. These girls here?
They're all my wives.

Oh, they're your wives.

Yeah. Yeah.

They're your wives, huh.
Look at me.

What are you,
a wise guy? Eh?

What, do you need
a smack or something?

Get out of here,
you creep.

Get out of here.

Oh, boy.

Oh, someone should
straighten that guy out.

But not me.

Mr. Gates.
Stewart here.

I followed peterson
and his wives

to las vegas
just like you said.

He hasn't done anything
out of the ordinary.

I'll let you know if he does
anything inappropriate.

Yes. Good-bye, sir.

There's no alcohol
in that, right?

Virgin.

Yes, I am.

Oh--oh,
you meant the drink.

Ok, girls, we'll take these
chairs right over here.

Ok. I want you now just
to relax, enjoy yourself,

enjoy the las vegas sun,
and have a good time.

Who made your outfits,
betsy ross?

Come on. We gotta do
some shopping, huh?

We gotta do
a complete makeover.

Ok, girls, we'll take
the same chairs.

Wait 'till Mr. Gates
gets a load of this.

I would call that
inappropriate.

You know,
I've changed my mind.

I'm gonna hit the casino.

I feel lucky.

I also feel a breeze.

I'll see you later.

He's quite a character.

Is he your husband?

All: yes.

[both laugh]

so are you girls here for
the Dr. Van dyke seminar?

Seminar?

Dr. Van dyke.
She's the greatest.

I'd still be married to that
louse of a second husband

if it weren't
for Dr. Van dyke.

You know what the book
is called, ironically?

Kick him
where it hurts.

And that's exactly what
I did to my ex-husband.

Sir. Stewart here
from sunny las vegas.

I'm faxing you something

that may be of
interest to you.

Yeah, there's something
coming in now.

What the hell?

Is that a pumpkin?

Well, what do you think?

Stewart, I don't know
why you have this

sudden fixation with
the male posterior,

but please try
to control yourself!

Ooh! Nice butt.

By the way,
I have seen better.

[applause]

we still live in a world
where most people,

including women,
believe

that a wife belongs
and wants to belong

exclusively in the home.

Do not wed and waste
yourself on a man, ladies.

Come on!
[applause]

come on!

Give it to me!

Men are like fine wine.

They all start out
like grapes,

and it's our job

to stomp on them
and keep them in the dark

until they mature into

something that we would
like to have dinner with.

[applause]

come on!

Come on!

It's in the book!

If he doesn't
treat you right,

then turn it into
an on/off relationship.

Every time he gets on,
you tell him to get off!

[applause]

huh? Come on!

How about it?
How about it?

If he has the nerve to tell you
that you are lousy in bed,

then go out and get
a second opinion, ok?

It's in the book.

It's all in the book
so go out and buy it.

There should be
equality in marriage.

If he goes out one night
a week with the boys,

then you should go out

one night a week
with the boys, huh?

It's in the book!

Come on!

It's in the book!

Van dyke!
Van dyke!

It's in the book!

Van dyke! Van dyke!
Van dyke! Van dyke!

How about it?

It's in the book!

Hey, honey,
you're real cute.

A girl like you could
start me smoking again.

I'm only kidding.
I'm a happily married man.

Happily married man,
huh?

that's right.

I wonder how
you would carry on

if you were
unhappily married.

What's that
supposed to mean?

Well, every married man

claims to be
happily married,

but we women know

what a wandering eye
leads to.

It's in the book.

What makes you
such an authority?

I happen to be
dr. Barbara van dyke.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I mean, Dr. Dyke,
I meant no harm.

It's van dyke.

Honey, I'm sorry.

Look, I'm not
your honey, ok?

Or your baby
or your sweetie.

Jeez, why do all men
think that they can just

take away
a women's identity

and dehumanize her with
a juvenile nickname, huh?

Toots, take it easy,
will you?

When are you men
gonna learn

that a woman
needs to be respected?

A woman needs
to be appreciated

for who she is.

A woman needs to be
understood.

You must stimulate
her brain, ok?

Her brain.

Stimulate her brain?

I've been working
all the wrong areas.

[buzzer]
ok, girls, I'm here.

Stephanie? Virginia?

I'm here, girls.
Emily?

Sarah?

Megan?

Girls, we had a date.

I've been stood up before,
never 5 at a time.

Evening, Mr. Peterson.

Hi. Say, have you seen
my 5 wives around?

Yeah, I put all
the Mrs. Petersons

in a limo with
a couple other ladies.

They said they were
going to the studs club.

The studs club?

It's a male review show.

Male review?

I need a taxi.

Follow that cab!

Step on it!

[tires screech]

[techno music playing
and women screaming]

whoo!

Monte: look at that.
They're drinking.

Monte: I gotta get them
outta here.

Where do you think
you're going?

No, I just wanna
see someone.

No men allowed in here.

Rules.

I just wanna let
someone know I'm here.

I mean, can't you change
the rules a little bit?

No, I can't
change the rules...

But I can change
your face.

Get out of here.

Bouncer: stay out!

Hey, where's
my tip?

Monte: stewart.

I don't need him now.

Coming through.
Liquor here. Coming through.

[women cheering
and yelling]

ooo-hoo.
The incredible hulk.

[cheering and yelling]

hey! Hey, hey! Hey!

It looks like monte.

Hey, girls. What are you doing
in a joint like this, huh?

Don't you know
it's improper?

Mr. Gates,
I can see peterson.

He's right
in front of me,

and he's about
to take his clothes off.

Would you like me
to take pictures?

Come on. I want you girls
to come with me.

We're going back
to the hotel right now.

Come on.

It's you.

I'm gonna kill you.

Girls, come on.
We gotta get out of here.

Come on, will ya?

Monte?

You leave him alone.

Let's kick him
where it hurts!

Here we come, monte.

Where is that guy?

Kill him!

Find him!

[cheering and yelling]

oh, my god.

♪ ouch

♪ I said "ouch"

♪ ouch

♪ I said "ouch"

♪ I said "ouch"

♪ baby, can't you hear me?

♪ I said "ouch"

♪ have you gone deaf?

♪ if you looked in my heart
you would see ♪

♪ I'm crying,
i'm crying ♪

♪ believe

♪ Mr. Unknown

♪ let's take things slow...

Ham and cheese.

Peanut butter
and jelly.

Chicken
cacciatore.

All: thank you, monte.

Monte: look at that.

They didn't even notice
my new hairdo.

♪ ouch...

There's your dining room
with the valley view...

And there's the pool.

I'll tell you, ray. I'm in
no mood for this, you know?

Oh. Well,

we're already a few days
ahead of schedule...

And...

Hey, what's
with you today?

I'm sorry. I got
a lot on my mind, you know?

It's the girls.

They're not the same since
we came back from vegas.

They're becoming
less dependent on me, you know?

I mean, they all
went out and got jobs.

And who do you think they left
in charge of the house?

Whoa.

I tell ya, they won't even
sleep with me anymore.

I got a water bed.
I call it the dead sea.

It's changed.

It's all because
of this book.

They're all reading it,
you know?

Dr. Van dyke.
Yeah.

ooh.
I heard of her.

I know how these relationship
experts think.

They think rather than be
with the wrong man,

you're better off being
with the right machinery.

I'll tell you, ray,

i'm no competition for
black and decker, you know?

Did you read the book?

Who wants to read it?

Well, maybe you should.

I mean, then
you'll understand

what the girls
are going through.

huh?

Yo, ray!

Can I speak at you
over here for a minute?

What's going on?

Look what we got here.

Oh, for...

Hey, what's wrong?
Is there a problem?

No, no.
It's a--no.

I, uh...

Think we might have
been digging on a...

Ancient burial ground.

What makes you think that?

Oh...

'cause they dug up bones?

Human bones.

And then you have
the unmitigated gall

to walk in here and give me
this line of crap?

Let me explain
how I work, ok?

I--i'm not looking
to get crazy,

but I gotta tell you...

You borrow, you pay!

How many times
do I gotta tell you?!

You borrow, you pay!

Is that understood?!

Yes or no?!

Anthony, don't talk to me
like this.

I'm sorry, mommy.

Baby boy's got a lot
on his plate.

I'm just a little
stressed out lately.

I mean, I missed
a leg-breaking

at noon today.

I gotta crush some guy's
skull in at 3:00.

Those aren't
your problems, right?

Bring mommy a flower.

I'll come over sunday.

We'll have a little
penne arrabiata, huh?

Come on. Show her out.
Here you go, ma.

Ok. Show mommy out.

You got it.
Come on.

Mom: aah!
Not that way!

Oh, sorry,
mrs. Morano.

You know,
force of habit.

Sorry, boss.

[telephone rings]

what am I gonna do with her?

That's what you get
for being a sweet person.

go!

Man: buongiorno,tony.

Don giovanni.
Come stai?

Bene. Bene.

Did you take care
of that thing for me?

Yeah, yeah. Sure.
Um...it's nearly done.

That's not
what I heard.

I heard things...

Things that do not
make me happy.

Well, to be quite
honest with you, uh...

We've been having some problems
with our friends in utah.

There's this guy from l.a.
That's causing a lot of trouble.

Maybe this
troublemaker

should get a visit
from me and the boys.

No, no, no, no.
Believe me, I'll handle it.

Me and shuffles will
take care of the situation.

Don't disappoint me,
tony.

Remember,
it's the family.

Tony, on phone:
this is unbelievable.

You think I have time
for this?

What do you think I am,

some kind of five-and-dime
little hustler?

I'm a businessman!

And you're
a dead man, gates!

You get
the plane tickets yet?

Yes, sir.

We leave for sydney, australia,
at 6:00 tonight.

Whew.

Excuse me, Mr. Gates.

I think I've found

another counterfeit
hundred.

Well, bring it to me,
miss jennings.

Quick, quick, quick.

These counterfeit
bills, boy.

They've been passing around
the county all month.

Haven't the feds
caught anyone yet?

No, but...

I know who
i'd like them to catch.

That's right.
5.

Ooh! I know
what you're thinking.

[both laugh]

good afternoon,
mr. Peterson.

Hey, stewey.
How are ya?

Can I help you with
anything today?

No, I just came over to cash
a check for $600, that's all.

Well, let me do that.

We can't have
our best customer

waiting
in such a long line.

Ok, sure.

I'll be with you
in a minute.

I'll be waiting
right here.

There you go.

Hey, thanks, stewart.
You're all right, you know?

My pleasure.

All right. Thank you.

Have a nice day.
Thank you.

[bell rings
and door opens]

hi.

i'd like to buy
everything you have

on redwood springs'
history and geography

and anything
you may have

on indian tribes
and reservations.

Oh, and by the way, do
you have a book called

how to make
your wife say yes?

No, I don't think so.

Well, do you have
a book called

how to make someone
else's wife say yes?

Here, this should
cover it, ok?

[bell rings
and door opens]

[singing off-key]
♪ I once was lost

♪ but now I'm found

♪ was blind,
but now I see ♪

here.

Bless you
brother monte.

Yeah, never mind that,
just get her some songs

with no high notes.

Girls, I know
this last month,

things have different
between us, you know?

But I just read
dr. Van dyke's book,

and it helped me
see things

from a woman's
point of view.

I found
my feminine side.

And the way
things are going,

I may use it.

There you are, sir.

Oh, here.
Take that, ok?

And here, take that
for yourself, too, ok?

It's all right.

Thanks, Mr. Peterson.

Monte, you know
we all love you,

but since
our trip to vegas,

we've been exposed

to a whole new
way of life.

All of our lives,

we've been raised
to think one way.

Now we'd just like

to have the chance
to choose.

Well, you know,
if the time ever comes

when you girls wanna
venture out on your own,

i'll understand.

I want whatever makes
you happy, you know?

I mean, you girls,

you all brought out
the best in me.

Not lately, though.

[laughter]

now, I know
you're all concerned

because some of
our local businesses

have been
coming into contact

with this
counterfeit money.

Crowd: yeah!

And I know you all
want an answer.

Well, through extensive
investigative work

by myself and stewart,

we have narrowed all
the counterfeit money

down to one source,

and we believe
that someone

is monte peterson.

Crowd: no!

He was in my store
the other day.

Mine, too.

He gave me
a counterfeit tip,

but the thought
was there.

Brothers, brothers, please.

We're all
children under god.

How can you condemn
a wonderful, giving man

like brother monte peterson?

Have you forgotten
how generous he was

to the church?

By the way, that money
he donated to you,

counterfeit.

Uh, hang the bastard.

[cheering]

in your face, sheriff.

Ha ha ha.

I can't believe
they locked you up.

Monte, I hate
seeing you like this.

Are you ok?
Are you feeling all right?

Ray, you gotta
get me out of here.

I'm innocent.

Monte, this is
a very serious offense.

They're holding
a special hearing tomorrow

to decide your fate
with the church.

If you're excommunicated,
you could lose everything.

And then they're
talking about

handing you over
to the feds

on those
counterfeiting charges.

I didn't do anything.
I was set up.

I got that money
from the bank.

Gates says the bank
has no record

of your making
a withdrawal.

That's a lie.

I bet gates is behind
this whole thing.

Call my lawyer
janet in l.a.

Tell her
the mess I'm in.

Oh, I forgot
to give you these.

They're from
the county records.

You were right
about the human bones.

We've been building

on an ancient
indian burial site.

I knew it.
I knew it.

I'll do what I can.

And do it
in a hurry, will ya?

I don't wanna
end up in prison

sharing a cell
with a guy named bubba.

[booing]

sorry, women
are not allowed.

To be mistreated.

Get out of
the way, stewart.

We wanna
see our husband.

Don't tell them
I let you in!

Well, ray,
i'm glad you're here.

Listen,
I just found out

that they appointed you
a local lawyer.

Hoo, I hope he's good.

I think this is him now.

That's no lawyer.
He's a waiter.

He waited on me
the other night.

Are you sure?

Am I sure? Look.

Mr. Peterson, good day.
I'm paul, your lawyer.

How do you do?

Hey, kid, no offense.

Have you ever
represented anyone

in court before?

Actually, no.
This is my first case.

But don't worry,
i'm feeling lucky.

[banging]

gentlemen...and ladies,

let us please
begin the proceedings.

You know, I could
use some water, too,

but this may not
be his station.

It is the duty
of this court

to determine the fate
of monte peterson.

Should a man
who has deceived

the fellow members
of his community

be allowed to remain
a member of our church?

Or should
he be excommunicated?

[gasping]

don't just sit there,
do something.

Ahem.

Gentlemen...

My customer--client
monte peterson

is a very decent man.

Not only is he
a good husband,

he's also
a very good tipper,

although sometimes
it is counterfeit.

Thank you.
You're welcome.

But let's look at
the inner workings

of monte peterson,

a man that has
come into our community

and brought a beauty

that we have never
seen before.

A man who has
a heart of gold.

I rest my case.

I'm sorry, monte.
He's ridiculous.

I know,

he forgot to tell him
the daily special.

Monte peterson
has been found guilty.

You can't do that!
no!

[la donna e mobile
playing over radio]

this town looks dead.

Small town.

The local hooker's
a virgin.

Oh, look at this now.

Young feller, you can't
park your car here.

The sign says it's
a no parking zone.

Now, you'll have
to move it.

Oh, you want us
to move it, huh?

Shuffles, move.

Oh, look at this one.
Built for speed, eh?

Yeah, not bad, tony.

Excuse me, sister?
Mr. Gates around?

I'm sorry, sir.

Mr. Gates is not here
at the moment.

Can I be of assistance?

I doubt it. Heh heh.

What's that, his lunch?
yes.

He's got
your favorite. Chicken.

Hey, good for him.

Now good for me
'cause I'm gonna eat it.

Hey, look, maybe later

me and you could have
a few laughs, you know?.

Watch a couple reruns
of little house.

Hey, tony, some bank, eh?
Talk about a dream job.

Miss jennings,
who are those men?

I'm not sure,

but I think they might
be from out of town.

Just like these guys,
with their cigarettes

and their sunglasses,
acting so macho, you know?

And just one little
bit of trouble

comes along,
oh, they cry.

They've never dealt with
the likes of you, sir.

I tell ya, I'd give
2 weeks of your salary

just to see
the look on his face.

Shuffles,
let me ask you.

All I ever
see you do is shuffle.

Do you know one trick?

no.

They way he looked when--

Mr. Morano, Mr. Shuffles,
what a surprise.

What brings you
to redwood springs?

I don't know,
let's try multiple choice.

One: we came by
for this beautiful picnic,

or "b", you guys
screwed up,

and we're here to take care
of your problem.

Then you came
all the way for nothing.

I mean, I've already
taken care of it.

We framed peterson
for counterfeiting.

Shuffles.
[snaps fingers]

it's not bad.

It's almost as good
as one of ours.

Gates: so, you see,
with peterson incarcerated,

he's out of
the picture for good.

Oh, yeah? Well,
I got orders to make a hit.

Oh, please don't kill us!

I don't wanna
sleep with the fishes!

Not you,
horsemeat. Peterson.

Come here. Who loves
you more than me, huh?

Tell me now.
Be a man! Be a man!

Is it necessary
to kill him?

Well, you see,
my boss doesn't like

any loose ends.

Now, you don't got
a problem with that,

do ya, bowtie?

Oh, no. No.
I just wondered.

I mean, he's in prison
surrounded by police.

I just wondered how
you'd do it, that's all.

So you were
wondering, huh?

He'd like some of
the intricate details.

How's this look, huh?

Oh, that's an opportunity
right there.

Yeah, huh? Why don't you
go play with the dogs?

Get out of here,
both of youse.

And you, shuffles.

Why don't you
shuffle along,

get me some more
of that chicken?

Let's move.

This is the jailhouse
where they're holding monte.

At 0900 hours,
the garbage truck

makes its scheduled run
down main street.

When the drivers
enter the diner

for their morning coffee,

sarah, virginia,
take out the truck.

After we pick up monte,
we rendezvous up at the cabin.

Any questions?

All right, girls.

Let's kick 'em
where it hurts.

Yeah!whoo!

[harmonica being played]

won't take long, marty.
Be a minute.

Okay, Mr. Gates.

Well, well, well,

what a pretty
picture this is.

What are you
doing here, gates?

Oh, I just thought
i'd stop by to tell you

that it's over.

You being
a big city slicker,

thought you'd come in here

and beat me
to that property.

So that's what
this is all about, huh?

My ski lodge.

Yeah, soon as you're
out of the picture,

the land will be mine,
and so will your wives.

That land belongs
to the indians.

Well, I applaud
your knowledge

of redwood springs
history,

but you should also know
that the yellow squash tribe

was wiped out by
my great-great-grandfather

many years ago.

There must
be some descendants.

You're right again.

There's one ancestor
remaining.

Did you know that
my great-great-grandma

was 10% yellow squash?

Automatically making me 2%.

Now, if I'm 2%
yellow squash,

you know what
that makes me?

A side dish?

No. Part indian.

Living on reservation land.

Now that the vote
has cleared the path

for indian
casino gambling,

my business partners
and I intend to make

redwood springs
the next las vegas, nevada,

which will make me

the richest man
in this state.

You won't get away
with this, gates.

Oh, I think I will.

In about 10 minutes,

the sheriff's gonna be
bringing you down

to the federal agents
in salt lake city.

And they lock up
counterfeiters

for a long, long time.

Gates, I wanna say
just one thing to you.

You can cancel
my christmas club.

Ouch. Marty,
we're through in here.

Ok, I'll drive.

But, stephanie,

you don't have
your driver's license.

I'm a quick learner.
Let's go.

Morano: what's
going on down there?

I think he's
giving me the signal.

Either that or
he's having

some kind
of spastic attack.

Let me tell you,

when the cops
take peterson out,

you take him out,
you got that?

Consider it done.

Look at this.

It looks like
i'm finished.

Psst. Monte.

Stand back,
we're busting you out.

[truck beeping]

oh, geez!

Stephanie: just get in!

Is he in yet?
Is he in?

He's in! He's in!
Go, steph, go! Go!

Go, steph! Go!

Monte! Monte!
Are you ok?

Oh, wow.
What a hole.

That reminds me,

I gotta see
my proctologist.

Come on, stephanie!
Let's go! Let's go!

Hang on, monte!

Holy shoot!

They broke our jail!

Marty, it's a jailbreak!

They broke our jail.

Come on!

Well, it's about
time you got here.

Did they kill him yet?

No, but any minute now,
it's gonna be all over.

Marty, head up
main street!

Set up a roadblock
up by the bridge!

What's going on?

Peterson escaped!

He broke our jail!

[police sirens blaring]

well, something
must be wrong, right?

"something must be wrong."

And people wonder

why you didn't
go to harvard.

Of course
something's wrong! Come on.

Hey, girls, slow down!

I don't wanna be
identified by my teeth!

Stephanie, you've
gotta downshift.

I know
what I'm doing.

We gotta turn left
on elm street.

I feel like white trash.

They're right behind us.

Marty! Marty!
Can you see 'em?

Yes! I think
they're turning left.

Whoa, what a ride!

I should've gone
in a ferris wheel.

They're going by
your house!

Ok, I got 'em.

Go faster, stephanie!

I'm going
as fast as I can!

All right, peterson!
This is the police!

Pull over right now!

If we get caught,
we're gonna go to jail.

Don't say that!
Don't say that!

We're not going to jail.

That's for the parking
ticket you gave me!

This is for when you
picked me up for jaywalking.

This is for when you frisked
me and copped a feel!

I'll go through barnes'
field, cut 'em off!

Here he comes.

Megan, emily,
are you in position? Over.

Here he comes.
Roger that.

Holy silicone valley.

[screaming]

hey, good work, girls.

yes!

Nice booby trap.

You broke my car!

[siren]

step on it!

I'm stepping on it,
lame-brain.

All right,
peterson.

I'm gonna shoot!

Hey, I didn't know
redwood springs

had chinese food.

Here's some
moo goo gai pan.

Yeah, no msg.

No msg!

Oh, not the old
banana thing.

[laughs]

aah!

[women cheering]

wow, you can't
beat the oldies.

All right, girls,
head for the hills.

Who would have guessed
the guy would escape?

He's gonna
kill us for sure.

Oh, I just know it.

Legitimate
businessman.

Mr. Morano, we have
a slight problem.

Morano:
you screwed up, gates.

You let him
get away.

Now, you find him
and you find him quick,

or I'll kill both
of you 2 personally.

[owl hooting]

well, girls,

I want to thank you
for breaking me out,

but we can't
stay here forever.

Tomorrow I want you all

to go back into town
and find ray.

Tell him to get
the sheriff

and have 'em both meet me
at the construction site.

Why the construction site?

I think maybe
I have a way

that I can clear myself of
this whole mess, you know?

Are you sure
you're gonna be ok

up here by yourself?

I'll be fine.

Listen, as long as
we're all up here alone

in this cozy
little cabin,

maybe you girls might
be in the mood for...

Well, you know, after all,
we aremarried.

And you're looking
at a guy

who just got out
of prison.

So, girls, what do you say,
for old times' sake?

Come on, who wants
to be first, huh?

[snoring]

look at this.

My sex life
is on hold,

and I got no one
to hold it.

[chattering]

let's go.

[engine starts]

I know that little troll
peterson's in there,

'cause all the chicks
are leaving.

Give me the rifle.

Come on,
give me the rifle.

What are you doing?

We're up here.

I thought I'd
make a snowman.

Get over here!

Get over here!

Just give me the rifle.

Hey, just talking,

what do you like better,
pillsbury or sara lee?

Well, I mean, nobody
doesn't like sara lee.

Yeah, you're right.
Give me this.

Give me this.

Let him just show
his little head

so I can just
blow it off.

Where is he already?

Excuse me, but...

What do you think
of pepperidge farm?

Pepperidge farm knows.

Pepperidge farm
remembers.

Na-na. Na-na,
i'm over here now.

Pepperidge farm
knows.

Na-na, I'm over herenow.

Pepperidge farm
remembers.

Oh, wait a minute now.

You're everybody.
I'm nobody.

You're the big shot now.

Excuse me. We'll talk
about this later.

Right now I got
to kill somebody.

There he is.

Oh, no!

Missed him!
Take this.

Let's get him.
Come on.

Come on!

Stewart, maybe
we'll get lucky

and an avalanche
will bury all of 'em.

That's right, ray.

Get the sheriff and meet us
at the construction site.

Megan, give me
the phone.

I think I know
someone

who can help us.

Gwen, it's stephanie.

I think it's time
you kick your husband

where it hurts.

It's all slush.
Slushy.

I'm ruining
my best shoes.

Do you understand?

Bugsy siegel
owned these shoes.

How do you know, now?

My friend told me.
That's how I know.

Don't worry
how I know.

Peterson!

Yeah, come on out.

We're gonna
negotiate.

Don't worry
about nothing, huh?

Maybe we have some
hot chocolate

with some marshmallows
or something

and talk this
whole thing out.

Blow his brains out

when he walks
out that door.

You understand me?
You blow his brains out.

Can I use
your bathroom, maybe?

Oh, I really got to use
the bathroom really bad.

Please, don't make me--

Don't make me
pee on your car!

Morano:
peterson, get out here!

Whoa, heads up, boys.

Shoot him.

Whoa!

He's getting away.

Take this
jet ski thing.

It's a toboggan.

Toboggans don't
have no engines.

Help me up.

I'm driving.

What kind of
helmet you like?

Which--white or--?

I look good
in black.

All right.

Come on.

Don't get too close.

Come on. We'll cut 'em
off at the bottom.

Ah, look at him
go everywhere.

He's all over
the place.

Hold on. Hold on.

Ooh-whee. Wow.

I'm a little rusty.

Whoa-oh-oh!

Oh, man,
look at this guy go.

Hold still.

I can't hold still.

Ok, you guys
want a fight?

I'll give you a fight.

Are you ready?
Here's my screwball.

Oh, you're out.
Take a shower.

Shuffles!

Monte:
hey, no tailgating.

I'll get my hands
on you, peterson.

Nobody hits
shuffles.

Nobody hit shuffles
but me.

Whoa!

Whoa!

oh!
Where'd you come from?

Hey, what's
the difference?

I'm just happy
you're not behind me.

By the way,
before I kill you,

I never got to
introduce myself.

Tony.oh, yeah? Monte.

Yeah, how you
doing there?

Hey, let me off here.
This is my stop, ok?

oh!

Whoa-oh-oh-oh!

Whoa!

You're going down,
peterson.

Almost home.

Hey, where'd
the snow go?

Aah! Oh!

Oh! Ow! Ooh!

Ooh! Holy cow! Ow!

[morano screaming]

whoa!

ooh!

Holy jeez.

Whoa.

oh!

Whoa!

[men clamoring]

[groaning]

somebody get me
out of here!

hey!

Anybody takes
a picture of this...

[groans]

[siren blaring]

wow.

I was dreaming,
you know?

All right, monte,
you're coming with us.

You broke our jail.

Well, arrest him, sheriff.

He's a fugitive
from the law.

You leave him alone.
He didn't do anything.

Sheriff, monte
peterson's innocent.

We got proof.

Proo--proof?
That's absurd.

You're the proof,
preston.

My husband is to blame
for this whole thing,

and I'm not gonna
stand by

and watch you hurt these
innocent people anymore.

Gwen, stop. You don't
know what you're saying.

Oh, yes, she does.
We both do.

You go, girl!

Sheriff,
monte peterson's

not a counterfeiter.

That money was
planted on him

by Mr. Gates
and stewart.

They've been trying
to get rid of him

ever since he came
to redwood springs.

That's a mighty
serious accusation.

You got anything
to back that up?

Yeah.
yes.

How 'bout this?

Gwen: my husband
was so greedy,

he wanted to buy up
all of the land for himself.

That's why he wouldn't
approve any of the loans.

Monte: yeah, turns out he's
part yellow squash indian.

That gives him the right
to open up casinos.

Well, I was gonna
tell everybody

at the right time.

Isn't that right,
stewart?

He made me do it.

I didn't want to
lie to all of you,

but he threatened
my job.

Sheriff:
marty, take 'em away.

Yeah! Quick,
quick, quick!

Monte, you're
free to go.

Come on. Come on.

[applause]

holy mackerel,

what I been through
already today.

How do I look, huh?

Handsome.
Very handsome.

Yeah? Come on.
Come on.

Hey, boss.

When you had your head
stuck in here,

kinda looked like
you were giving him a blow--

Whoa, whoa.
What'd you just say?

Oh, you're telling
a little joke, right?

A little joke?
Come here.

How'd you like me to
smack your head in

with an old fire
hydrant, huh?

You like that, huh?

Never talk to--

Oh, wait a minute.
It's the boss.

Straighten up.
Come on. Let's go.

Don giovanni.

What a surprise.

Where's the
troublemaker?

Look, he's over there
right now,

but you don't want
to go over there.

There's too much
heat around.

You understand.

You want to take care
of something...

You have to do it
yourself.

Ok, emily, right.

[women chuckling]

monte?

Vinny!

hey!
hey!

Both: boom-dida-boom-dida-
Boom-dida-boom.

Boom-dida-boom-dida-
Boom-dida-boom. Ay!

Ha-hey, vinny!

hey!

Wait, wait a minute.

You--you know him?

Sure.
He's monte peterson.

He built my house
in l.a. Years ago.

Hey, how's your
sister marie?

I used to like her,
you know?

You liked
all my sisters.

I think you had your eye
on my brother too.

Hey, your father,
he's all right?

Next birthday,
he's gonna be 96.

Hey, your father
was something, you know?

Why, in our neighborhood

he was the first one
to start acupuncture...

With an icepick.

Hey, I think
you and me

are finally gonna do
some business together.

you.

You I want to talk to!

Monte and I are friends
for 50 years.

We were kids together.

We were brought up
in the same neighborhood,

and he's the one
you want to whack?

Please, don giovanni,
forgive me.

I didn't know.

You're supposed to know!

Stupido!

Oh, my sister
had to have a son.

Get the hell
out of here.

Get out of here.

Get the car.
Get the car!

Hey...

All right.

Hey, I'll call ya.
I'll see you soon, huh?

Soon. Sooner.

Boy, oh, boy.

[women chuckling]

hey.

well, girls,

have you thought about
what we spoke about?

About staying together?

Before you give me
your answer,

whatever your
decision is,

I can take it.

I'm a big boy.

Well, you know how
I feel about you,

and I'm sure I know how
you all feel about me.

Ray, I can't believe
they kicked me out, you know?

Don't worry, monte.

I think it all turned
out for the best.

I mean, look,
they're liberated

and able to make
their own decisions.

Yeah, I guess so.

It was fun
while it lasted.

But I'll tell you,

i'm gonna Miss all
of them, you know?

I really got used
to a 5-on-1 relationship,

and after 5 great
wives like that,

where am I ever
gonna meet one woman

who's gonna
make me happy, you know?

Man: congratulations,
mr. Peterson.

It was a beautiful
wedding.

Oh, thanks.

You know, I always wanted
to get married at sea.

All right, hawaii
here we come, huh?

Let's shove off,
and keep it at 10 knots.

And if the ride
gets bumpy,

you'll know it's
not from the water.

Oh, Mrs. Peterson,

the champagne and me
are waiting for you.

Ooh! Here I am,
darling.

Are you ready
for a woman like me?

Oh, are you kidding?

I want you to
show me a few things

that are not in the book.

Oh, I never thought
i'd meet a man

who could fully
understand

the complex nature
of a woman.

Oh, monte.

Tonight's our night.

Let's go for
the whole 9 yards.

Ooh. Hey, let's
be accurate.

We'll go for the whole
inch and a half.

[camera shutter]

♪ why did god
make boogie woogie? ♪

♪ to get you crazy people
out of your seats ♪

♪ soon you will
begin to dance ♪

♪ when you hear
that boogie beat ♪

♪ why did god
make boogie woogie? ♪

♪ so I can do
the very thing I do ♪

♪ boogie keeps me
in my fashion ♪

♪ picks me up
when I feel blue ♪

♪ here's the scoop,
get in the loop ♪

♪ blow your worries away

♪ get real loose
and don't refuse ♪

♪ boogie in the woogie
to make your day ♪

♪ why did god
make boogie woogie? ♪

♪ stick around
and I'll show you why ♪

♪ guarantee
your satisfaction ♪

♪ when you see
my fingers fly ♪

♪ tell me, man,
tell me, man ♪

♪ what you got
in your left hand ♪

♪ tell me, man,
tell me, man ♪

♪ what you got
in your right hand ♪

♪ oh, here's the scoop,
get in the loop ♪

♪ blow your worries away

♪ get real loose
and don't refuse ♪

♪ boogie in the woogie
to make your day ♪

♪ why did god
make boogie woogie? ♪

♪ stick around
and I'll show you why ♪

♪ guarantee
your satisfaction ♪

♪ when you see
my fingers fly ♪

♪ tell me, man,
tell me, man ♪

♪ what you got
in both your hands ♪

[rhythmic clapping]

♪ why did god
make boogie woogie? ♪

♪ why did god
make boogie woogie? ♪

captioning made possible by
lions gate entertainment

captioned by the national
captioning institute
--www.ncicap.org--