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1
00:00:09,997 --> 00:00:11,666
[engine shuts off]
2
00:00:13,604 --> 00:00:16,442
Hey, dude, I don't remember
the password. Let me in.
3
00:00:16,475 --> 00:00:17,712
I think someone's following me.
4
00:00:17,745 --> 00:00:19,482
Who?
5
00:00:19,515 --> 00:00:21,219
Get in here.
It's the doc crew.
6
00:00:21,252 --> 00:00:22,555
[sighs]
7
00:00:23,523 --> 00:00:24,660
You, too. Come on.
8
00:00:24,693 --> 00:00:26,229
When I ran away from Nandor,
9
00:00:26,262 --> 00:00:27,464
I didn't really know
where to go.
10
00:00:27,497 --> 00:00:30,337
[Nandor]
Guillermo!
11
00:00:30,370 --> 00:00:33,844
[Guillermo]
So I just flew
for hours and hours.
12
00:00:33,877 --> 00:00:35,447
Which was a little cool because
13
00:00:35,480 --> 00:00:37,251
that was the longest
I've ever stayed a bat.
14
00:00:37,284 --> 00:00:38,554
But also not cool
15
00:00:38,587 --> 00:00:40,257
because I knew Nandor was trying
16
00:00:40,290 --> 00:00:41,694
to track me down to kill me.
17
00:00:41,727 --> 00:00:43,831
Eventually, I just went
to Derek because...
18
00:00:43,864 --> 00:00:45,167
I had no one else to turn to.
19
00:00:45,200 --> 00:00:47,304
I've just been laying low,
20
00:00:47,337 --> 00:00:49,441
hiding for who knows how long.
21
00:00:50,811 --> 00:00:53,450
I wish they had Bravo here.
22
00:00:53,483 --> 00:00:55,588
["You're Dead"
by Norma Tanega playing]
23
00:00:55,621 --> 00:00:58,193
♪ Don't sing if you want
to live long ♪
24
00:00:58,226 --> 00:01:00,598
♪ They have no use
for your song ♪
25
00:01:00,631 --> 00:01:03,336
♪ You're dead, you're dead,
you're dead ♪
26
00:01:03,369 --> 00:01:06,275
♪ You're dead
and out of this world ♪
27
00:01:07,678 --> 00:01:10,718
♪ Now your hope and compassion
is gone ♪
28
00:01:10,751 --> 00:01:13,523
♪ You sold out your dream
to the world ♪
29
00:01:13,557 --> 00:01:15,795
♪ Stay dead, stay dead,
stay dead ♪
30
00:01:15,828 --> 00:01:17,899
♪ You're dead
and out of this world. ♪
31
00:01:17,932 --> 00:01:20,403
♪ ♪
32
00:01:27,985 --> 00:01:29,756
[door closes]
33
00:01:29,789 --> 00:01:31,325
I think there was a van
tailing me, they may have been
34
00:01:31,358 --> 00:01:32,327
-tailing you, too.
-Derek, that was them.
35
00:01:32,360 --> 00:01:33,964
Whoa.
36
00:01:33,997 --> 00:01:35,768
-You guys are good. Respect.
-Derek, just promise me
37
00:01:35,801 --> 00:01:37,605
you haven't told anyone else
that I'm here.
38
00:01:37,638 --> 00:01:39,542
Guillermo, who would I tell?
Literally. My neighbor Chad?
39
00:01:39,576 --> 00:01:41,512
Because... yes, actually,
I did tell Chad.
40
00:01:41,546 --> 00:01:42,882
This is serious, okay?
41
00:01:42,915 --> 00:01:44,351
My master is actively
trying to kill me.
42
00:01:44,384 --> 00:01:45,755
Did you bring my meat?
43
00:01:45,788 --> 00:01:47,692
Yes, burgers, extra rare,
just like you asked.
44
00:01:47,725 --> 00:01:49,863
I tried hypnosis on the cashier
so I could get them for free.
45
00:01:49,896 --> 00:01:51,567
Turns out, I'm bad at it.
46
00:01:51,600 --> 00:01:52,869
So, um,
I don't know if you use Venmo
47
00:01:52,902 --> 00:01:53,971
or maybe you're a Zelle guy...
48
00:01:54,004 --> 00:01:56,442
[retches]
These are not raw.
49
00:01:56,475 --> 00:01:58,346
I can taste that they've
kissed the grill, Derek.
50
00:01:58,379 --> 00:01:59,882
-[stammering]
-[knocking]
51
00:02:06,997 --> 00:02:08,734
-Sup, bitch?
-What the hell
are you doing here?
52
00:02:08,767 --> 00:02:10,270
Did anyone see you? Get inside.
53
00:02:10,303 --> 00:02:11,439
No, and it wouldn't
matter if they did
54
00:02:11,472 --> 00:02:13,978
because, hello,
I'm in disguise.
55
00:02:14,011 --> 00:02:15,213
Stop dancing, get inside.
56
00:02:15,246 --> 00:02:16,650
How did you find me?
57
00:02:16,683 --> 00:02:18,386
Your friend Derek told me
where you were hiding.
58
00:02:18,419 --> 00:02:19,656
[old-timey detective voice]
I paid him a little visit
59
00:02:19,689 --> 00:02:21,526
earlier today, see?
60
00:02:21,560 --> 00:02:22,762
So, that was you.
61
00:02:22,795 --> 00:02:24,331
-[laughs]
-Who did you think it was?
62
00:02:24,364 --> 00:02:26,402
She told me her name
was Detective Policeman.
63
00:02:26,435 --> 00:02:28,373
-[Nadja] That's funny.
-I'm gonna need you
to do me a favor, buddy.
64
00:02:28,406 --> 00:02:32,715
Can you go to the market and
get me some raw, raw meat
65
00:02:32,748 --> 00:02:34,653
and make sure you don't
tell anyone where I'm at.
66
00:02:34,686 --> 00:02:35,888
-Can you do that?
-Can do, can do.
67
00:02:35,921 --> 00:02:37,592
-Thank you, buddy.
-Okay, great.
68
00:02:37,625 --> 00:02:38,828
-Okay. Thanks so much.
-See you guys in a minute.
69
00:02:38,861 --> 00:02:40,565
Idiot.
70
00:02:40,598 --> 00:02:42,936
Guillermo. Sit.
71
00:02:42,969 --> 00:02:46,509
You simply cannot talk
to the vampire who turned you
72
00:02:46,542 --> 00:02:48,346
with such disrespect.
73
00:02:48,379 --> 00:02:50,383
That is a sacred relationship.
74
00:02:50,416 --> 00:02:51,887
You have to protect him.
75
00:02:51,920 --> 00:02:53,858
Like we protect the Baron
and the Sire.
76
00:02:53,891 --> 00:02:56,496
If anything was to happen
to that stupid man,
77
00:02:56,529 --> 00:02:59,001
the effects for you, my friend,
would be catastrophic.
78
00:02:59,034 --> 00:03:00,805
-Yes.
-[blows raspberry]
79
00:03:00,838 --> 00:03:02,642
I'm sorry, I shouldn't have
spoken to Derek like that.
80
00:03:02,675 --> 00:03:04,779
I'm just a little bit on edge
with the whole, you know--
81
00:03:04,812 --> 00:03:06,349
Nandor trying to kill you thing.
82
00:03:06,382 --> 00:03:08,554
-Awkward. [laughs]
-Which, by the way, um...
83
00:03:08,587 --> 00:03:09,756
Any progress on that end?
84
00:03:09,789 --> 00:03:11,860
Uh, yeah, um, a little.
85
00:03:11,893 --> 00:03:12,862
-You talked to him?
-Yeah.
86
00:03:12,895 --> 00:03:14,298
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
87
00:03:14,331 --> 00:03:15,433
What'd he say?
88
00:03:15,466 --> 00:03:17,538
-[screaming]
-Nandor, come on.
89
00:03:17,572 --> 00:03:18,874
I'm gonna murder him!
90
00:03:19,909 --> 00:03:21,547
Maybe if I write him a letter...
91
00:03:21,580 --> 00:03:24,285
Yeah, like if you wrote him
a suicide note,
92
00:03:24,318 --> 00:03:25,922
and actually followed through
on it,
93
00:03:25,955 --> 00:03:28,794
then that would
probably cool him down.
94
00:03:28,827 --> 00:03:31,867
-[faint moaning]
-[springs creaking]
95
00:03:31,900 --> 00:03:34,639
Wow. They're really
going at it, aren't they?
96
00:03:34,672 --> 00:03:35,775
[exhales]
97
00:03:35,808 --> 00:03:37,979
[sighs] Why did I do this?
98
00:03:38,012 --> 00:03:39,850
Look, relationships evolve.
99
00:03:39,883 --> 00:03:41,787
Like me and those Antipaxon
people who work at the diner.
100
00:03:41,820 --> 00:03:45,561
At first, I was just using them
to get rid of my hex.
101
00:03:45,594 --> 00:03:47,497
But then it turned out...
102
00:03:47,530 --> 00:03:49,603
I really like hanging out
with those guys.
103
00:03:49,636 --> 00:03:51,339
-[loud moaning]
-I know you didn't mean...
104
00:03:51,372 --> 00:03:52,742
[clears throat]
I know you didn't mean
105
00:03:52,775 --> 00:03:54,111
for things to turn out this way,
106
00:03:54,144 --> 00:03:56,048
-[loud moaning]
-but I think it's time
107
00:03:56,081 --> 00:03:57,484
you need to accept--
You know what?
108
00:03:57,517 --> 00:03:59,321
Hang on,
I cannot take this anymore!
109
00:03:59,354 --> 00:04:00,791
[man]
Yeah!
110
00:04:00,824 --> 00:04:02,461
-[springs creaking wildly]
-[door crashes open]
111
00:04:02,494 --> 00:04:04,532
-It's hard, you know.
-[woman moaning loudly]
112
00:04:04,566 --> 00:04:05,968
-[indistinct conversation]
-To know that
you've done something,
113
00:04:06,001 --> 00:04:08,707
that you messed up
but you can't...
114
00:04:08,740 --> 00:04:10,845
-[moaning resumes]
-...fix it and...
115
00:04:10,878 --> 00:04:13,082
-[Nadja moaning]
-And she's joined them.
116
00:04:13,115 --> 00:04:14,553
-[moaning]
-[thudding]
117
00:04:14,586 --> 00:04:18,359
[Nandor]
Night after night, I hunt.
118
00:04:18,392 --> 00:04:22,735
I cannot rest until Guillermo
has taken his last breath
119
00:04:22,768 --> 00:04:25,675
and I feel his bones
crunch under my boots.
120
00:04:25,708 --> 00:04:27,779
So I've been watching
the one place
121
00:04:27,812 --> 00:04:30,952
I know he will
return to eventually...
122
00:04:30,985 --> 00:04:33,022
Panera Bread.
123
00:04:33,055 --> 00:04:35,026
I've got you now.
124
00:04:35,059 --> 00:04:36,763
He can run,
125
00:04:36,796 --> 00:04:38,567
but he cannot run far.
126
00:04:38,600 --> 00:04:40,704
Because he has very short legs.
127
00:04:43,142 --> 00:04:45,881
-[gasps]
-Guillermo, now you will die.
128
00:04:45,914 --> 00:04:48,086
-I-I didn't do anything.
-[roaring]
129
00:04:48,119 --> 00:04:51,827
Those that betray me will pay
the ultimate price, Guillermo.
130
00:04:51,860 --> 00:04:53,162
And this disguise
131
00:04:53,195 --> 00:04:54,866
that has slightly altered
your appearance
132
00:04:54,899 --> 00:04:56,168
does not fool me.
133
00:04:56,201 --> 00:04:57,905
I'm not Guillermo!
I'm not Guillermo!
134
00:04:57,938 --> 00:05:00,110
I'm Patton Oswalt. I'm an actor.
135
00:05:00,143 --> 00:05:02,080
-Patton Oswalt?
-Yeah.
136
00:05:02,113 --> 00:05:03,550
-An actor?
-Yes!
137
00:05:03,583 --> 00:05:04,920
What would I know you from?
138
00:05:04,953 --> 00:05:06,723
-I was in Ratatouille.
-Is that a movie?
139
00:05:06,756 --> 00:05:08,627
It's... It was animated.
140
00:05:08,660 --> 00:05:09,829
I was the voice of a rat.
141
00:05:09,862 --> 00:05:12,134
-I prefer live action.
-Uh...
142
00:05:12,167 --> 00:05:13,737
Do you know John Slattery?
143
00:05:13,770 --> 00:05:15,574
I don't know him personally,
I know of him.
144
00:05:15,607 --> 00:05:17,578
-He seems really cool.
-He is.
145
00:05:17,611 --> 00:05:20,083
Yes, I-I'm gonna pass out...
146
00:05:20,116 --> 00:05:21,586
[groans]
147
00:05:21,619 --> 00:05:23,691
[coughing, gasping]
148
00:05:23,724 --> 00:05:24,960
Oh...
149
00:05:24,993 --> 00:05:27,197
My apologies, Patton Oswalt.
150
00:05:27,230 --> 00:05:29,501
You are respectful,
unlike Guillermo.
151
00:05:29,534 --> 00:05:31,005
I have been lying
in wait for him
152
00:05:31,038 --> 00:05:32,942
on the top of
that building there.
153
00:05:32,975 --> 00:05:34,078
It's only a matter of time
154
00:05:34,111 --> 00:05:36,115
before he returns
to Panera Bread,
155
00:05:36,148 --> 00:05:38,453
like a gazelle
to his watering hole.
156
00:05:38,486 --> 00:05:41,893
And when he does, I will strike.
157
00:05:41,926 --> 00:05:43,964
Are you sure it's
that Panera Bread?
158
00:05:43,997 --> 00:05:45,635
-What do you mean?
-There's a lot of Panera Breads.
159
00:05:45,668 --> 00:05:47,605
They're... They're all
over the city.
160
00:05:47,638 --> 00:05:48,673
Shit.
161
00:05:52,982 --> 00:05:54,619
-[knocking]
-Who is it?
-[Colin] Gigi?
162
00:05:54,652 --> 00:05:56,623
-Hello.
-What are you doing here?
163
00:05:56,656 --> 00:05:58,192
-How did you find me?
-Oh, I just...
164
00:05:58,225 --> 00:06:01,667
took a map of Staten Island
and laid it over a grid
165
00:06:01,700 --> 00:06:03,202
and looked for any motel
that shared a square
166
00:06:03,235 --> 00:06:05,908
with an Arby's, a party store
or a sweater shop.
167
00:06:05,941 --> 00:06:07,779
Well, I'm not near
any of those things.
168
00:06:07,812 --> 00:06:09,816
Yeah, I know,
so I just asked Nadja.
169
00:06:09,849 --> 00:06:12,020
Great. What do you want?
170
00:06:12,053 --> 00:06:14,191
First off, I just want
to wish you good luck.
171
00:06:14,224 --> 00:06:17,197
You're a nice enough guy
caught in a bad sitch.
172
00:06:17,230 --> 00:06:20,170
I-I don't think any of us were
hoping for this outcome for you.
173
00:06:20,203 --> 00:06:21,907
-[briefcase unlocks]
-Thank you.
174
00:06:21,940 --> 00:06:26,048
Secondly, I am here to conduct
your exit interview,
175
00:06:26,081 --> 00:06:28,186
from your job as a familiar.
176
00:06:28,219 --> 00:06:30,791
And also your life, so...
177
00:06:30,824 --> 00:06:34,198
Have a seat. I don't want to
take up too much of your time,
178
00:06:34,231 --> 00:06:36,937
I know it's valuable. [chuckles]
179
00:06:36,970 --> 00:06:39,541
Because
there's so little of it left.
180
00:06:39,575 --> 00:06:40,745
-Okay.
-[clicks]
181
00:06:40,778 --> 00:06:44,251
Familiar exit interview,
10:47 p.m.,
182
00:06:44,284 --> 00:06:47,057
Colin Robinson
conducting interview.
183
00:06:47,090 --> 00:06:48,594
Um, Mr. de la "Cruzz,"
184
00:06:48,627 --> 00:06:51,933
what's prompting you
to leave your job?
185
00:06:51,966 --> 00:06:53,604
Nandor trying to kill me.
186
00:06:53,637 --> 00:06:56,843
And... what was your salary
as a familiar?
187
00:06:56,876 --> 00:06:58,580
Oh, I don't get paid.
188
00:06:58,613 --> 00:07:01,686
[chuckles] No, but honestly,
for this to work,
189
00:07:01,719 --> 00:07:03,724
I kind of need
a ballpark figure.
190
00:07:03,757 --> 00:07:05,226
$500, $550 a week?
191
00:07:05,259 --> 00:07:06,830
-I don't get paid.
-Uh-huh.
192
00:07:06,863 --> 00:07:08,600
And do you think
we can get away with
193
00:07:08,633 --> 00:07:10,571
not paying the next person?
194
00:07:10,604 --> 00:07:12,842
Okay. This interview's over.
195
00:07:12,875 --> 00:07:16,015
Interview concluded by subject
196
00:07:16,048 --> 00:07:19,756
who was cooperative
and at times almost articulate.
197
00:07:19,789 --> 00:07:21,092
-[recorder clicks]
-Okay, thank you.
198
00:07:21,125 --> 00:07:23,129
This is just from me.
199
00:07:23,162 --> 00:07:25,568
It was nice having you
in the house.
200
00:07:25,601 --> 00:07:27,003
Thanks, Colin.
201
00:07:27,036 --> 00:07:30,644
"Jay Sturkel, Quarter Four
Sales Leader, 1977."
202
00:07:30,677 --> 00:07:34,552
I got it at estate sale,
but y-you get the drift.
203
00:07:35,888 --> 00:07:37,958
-Congratulations.
-Thank you.
204
00:07:39,060 --> 00:07:42,769
I think what bugs me the most
205
00:07:42,802 --> 00:07:44,939
is that I have given
Guillermo my friendship.
206
00:07:44,972 --> 00:07:47,879
This is a gift
I do not give to just anyone.
207
00:07:47,912 --> 00:07:51,586
Uh, you know, friendship
has to be... earned.
208
00:07:51,619 --> 00:07:53,156
How is your, um...
209
00:07:53,189 --> 00:07:54,659
-Turkey Bacon Bravo.
-Yes.
210
00:07:54,692 --> 00:07:56,061
It is, it's good.
211
00:07:56,094 --> 00:07:57,264
And I usually get
the bread bowls here--
212
00:07:57,297 --> 00:07:59,001
I think what it is
213
00:07:59,034 --> 00:08:02,106
is that I thought Guillermo
had earned it.
214
00:08:03,844 --> 00:08:06,750
You are a good listener,
Patton Oswalt.
215
00:08:06,783 --> 00:08:08,352
You know, it's funny
because something like this
216
00:08:08,385 --> 00:08:10,891
happened with me a couple years
ago with my manager, we--
217
00:08:10,924 --> 00:08:13,029
-Shh. Just listen.
-Oh... [grunts]
218
00:08:13,062 --> 00:08:15,333
We are not talking
about you right now,
219
00:08:15,366 --> 00:08:17,070
are we, Patton Oswalt?
220
00:08:17,103 --> 00:08:18,907
-No, we're not.
-Mm.
221
00:08:18,940 --> 00:08:21,078
-So, go on.
-Thank you.
222
00:08:22,648 --> 00:08:25,754
[knocking]
223
00:08:27,825 --> 00:08:29,629
Who is it?
224
00:08:29,662 --> 00:08:31,298
[Laszlo]
Housekeeping.
225
00:08:31,331 --> 00:08:33,302
-I should ask how you
found out where--
-Shh, shh.
226
00:08:33,335 --> 00:08:34,337
What?
227
00:08:35,841 --> 00:08:38,045
I'm guessing you're content
with your...
228
00:08:38,078 --> 00:08:39,816
toilet paper situation?
229
00:08:39,849 --> 00:08:41,252
Yes, thank you.
230
00:08:41,285 --> 00:08:43,055
All right.
231
00:08:43,088 --> 00:08:44,792
Then I will...
232
00:08:44,825 --> 00:08:47,397
leave you to watch
the television for the evening.
233
00:08:47,430 --> 00:08:50,203
And I will say... goodbye.
234
00:08:50,236 --> 00:08:51,940
-[quietly] Sit down.
-What's going on?
235
00:08:51,973 --> 00:08:54,913
I must apologize, Gizmo,
I feel like I've let you down.
236
00:08:54,946 --> 00:08:56,248
All those science experiments,
237
00:08:56,281 --> 00:08:57,919
they were nothing
but a blind alley.
238
00:08:57,952 --> 00:08:59,722
Laszlo, you tried your best.
239
00:08:59,755 --> 00:09:01,325
No, there's been something I...
240
00:09:01,358 --> 00:09:02,929
You-you should probably
put something on
241
00:09:02,962 --> 00:09:04,331
that's a bit louder than this.
242
00:09:04,364 --> 00:09:06,335
Otherwise, it won't
drown our voices out.
243
00:09:06,368 --> 00:09:08,072
-[airplanes whirring]
-That's better.
244
00:09:08,105 --> 00:09:11,212
I've known you since
you were a young familiar.
245
00:09:11,245 --> 00:09:13,082
And I may have been hard
on you in the past,
246
00:09:13,115 --> 00:09:15,220
-and, uh...
-[gunfire on TV]
247
00:09:15,253 --> 00:09:16,823
Could you put something that...
248
00:09:16,856 --> 00:09:18,827
is as loud but less percussive?
249
00:09:18,860 --> 00:09:20,296
-[engines roaring]
-Sport, yes, that's better.
250
00:09:20,329 --> 00:09:22,267
And I say,
does that thing have any...
251
00:09:22,300 --> 00:09:24,672
programs of the adult variety?
252
00:09:25,741 --> 00:09:27,244
Uh, I suppose, yeah.
253
00:09:27,277 --> 00:09:29,749
-[giggling]
-[Laszlo gasps]
-There you go.
254
00:09:29,782 --> 00:09:31,987
[clears throat] You were saying?
255
00:09:32,020 --> 00:09:33,089
Sorry?
256
00:09:33,122 --> 00:09:34,358
-You were saying?
-Yes.
257
00:09:34,391 --> 00:09:35,961
I was saying...
258
00:09:35,994 --> 00:09:38,700
I've known you since you were...
259
00:09:38,733 --> 00:09:40,370
-a young fa...
-[moaning on TV]
260
00:09:40,403 --> 00:09:42,107
What do you think
they're gonna do?
261
00:09:42,140 --> 00:09:43,710
-Yeah, Laszlo--
-Yes, yes,
262
00:09:43,743 --> 00:09:46,315
s-sorry, since you
were a young familiar.
263
00:09:46,348 --> 00:09:49,021
And, uh, I'm about
to tell you something now
264
00:09:49,054 --> 00:09:50,791
that I've never told
anyone else before.
265
00:09:50,824 --> 00:09:52,728
[moaning on TV]
266
00:09:52,761 --> 00:09:54,766
-L-Laszlo?
-Good grief.
267
00:09:54,799 --> 00:09:56,335
You were going
to tell me something
268
00:09:56,368 --> 00:09:58,406
-you never told
anyone before...?
-Shh. [laughs]
269
00:09:58,439 --> 00:10:00,043
You might have
to give me a minute.
270
00:10:00,076 --> 00:10:01,846
[Guillermo]
So, yeah, even Laszlo came by.
271
00:10:01,879 --> 00:10:03,382
If I would've known how...
272
00:10:03,415 --> 00:10:05,053
my last couple of days
would play out,
273
00:10:05,086 --> 00:10:06,756
how the last couple of months...
274
00:10:06,789 --> 00:10:08,259
I would've never asked
Derek to turn me.
275
00:10:08,292 --> 00:10:10,163
It's not that
I don't want to die,
276
00:10:10,196 --> 00:10:12,033
and trust me, I really,
really don't want to die,
277
00:10:12,066 --> 00:10:15,741
but I'm just more afraid
of losing the vampires.
278
00:10:15,774 --> 00:10:17,143
My friends.
279
00:10:17,176 --> 00:10:18,914
I always figured if I got
turned into a vampire
280
00:10:18,947 --> 00:10:21,485
that it would...
bring me closer to them.
281
00:10:21,518 --> 00:10:24,457
But it's just left me
feeling more alone than ever.
282
00:10:25,226 --> 00:10:28,032
Nandor, can I ask you
a question?
283
00:10:28,065 --> 00:10:29,802
Yes, Patton Oswalt.
284
00:10:29,835 --> 00:10:33,209
Your friendship with Guillermo
is very special, right?
285
00:10:33,242 --> 00:10:35,413
I thought it was.
286
00:10:35,446 --> 00:10:38,152
And I bet...
287
00:10:38,185 --> 00:10:40,791
killing a friend...
288
00:10:40,824 --> 00:10:42,227
would really hurt.
289
00:10:42,260 --> 00:10:44,431
I imagine it would be
one of the worst feelings
290
00:10:44,464 --> 00:10:46,201
a person could have.
291
00:10:46,234 --> 00:10:48,439
So, what if you...
292
00:10:48,472 --> 00:10:50,443
repair the friendship?
293
00:10:50,476 --> 00:10:52,180
-You repair it--
-So you're saying
294
00:10:52,213 --> 00:10:55,186
that I should not kill
my former friend?
295
00:10:55,219 --> 00:10:57,457
-Uh, yes, you-you--
-This is your suggestion?
296
00:10:57,490 --> 00:10:59,127
Well, you know, you rebuild--
297
00:10:59,160 --> 00:11:01,800
After hearing my tale
of deceit and betrayal?
298
00:11:01,833 --> 00:11:05,273
All that betray me
must be destroyed.
299
00:11:05,306 --> 00:11:07,277
-Wait, wait--
-Goodbye, Patton Oswalt.
300
00:11:07,310 --> 00:11:09,314
[screaming]
301
00:11:09,347 --> 00:11:10,818
[body thudding, crashing]
302
00:11:10,851 --> 00:11:12,087
-[loud thud]
-[sighs]
303
00:11:12,120 --> 00:11:14,290
He does make
a good point, though.
304
00:11:18,867 --> 00:11:20,937
-[on video] ...arm,
and a block of--
-[knocking loudly]
305
00:11:22,006 --> 00:11:23,409
Of course.
306
00:11:23,442 --> 00:11:27,818
Hi. I just came by
to pay you my condolences.
307
00:11:27,851 --> 00:11:31,225
"Sorry for your loss
of your life."
308
00:11:31,258 --> 00:11:33,797
Is there anyone who doesn't
know that I'm here?
309
00:11:33,830 --> 00:11:36,201
Well, I'm usually the last one
to know, so probably not.
310
00:11:36,234 --> 00:11:37,504
-Thank you.
-Yeah.
311
00:11:37,537 --> 00:11:39,174
And then I also brought
some friends
312
00:11:39,207 --> 00:11:40,811
who wanted to say goodbye.
313
00:11:40,844 --> 00:11:42,380
Hiya, Daddy.
314
00:11:42,413 --> 00:11:44,418
-Hey.
-Guide lady said
you're going off
315
00:11:44,451 --> 00:11:45,486
-to a big, beautiful...
-Hey, big guy.
316
00:11:45,519 --> 00:11:47,490
...farm in the sky.
317
00:11:47,523 --> 00:11:49,328
-Can we come?
-[Guillermo] Oh...
318
00:11:49,361 --> 00:11:50,931
-No, buddy.
-Aw.
319
00:11:50,964 --> 00:11:55,106
-There's no room at the farm.
-[sniffling]
320
00:11:55,139 --> 00:11:56,910
"In the death of a good man,
321
00:11:56,943 --> 00:11:59,047
eternity is seen looking
through time."
322
00:11:59,080 --> 00:12:00,884
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe.
323
00:12:00,917 --> 00:12:03,255
-[sobbing]
-Okay.
324
00:12:03,288 --> 00:12:04,992
-So-- Oh.
-[phone buzzing]
325
00:12:05,025 --> 00:12:06,095
Sorry.
326
00:12:06,128 --> 00:12:07,932
Hola, Ma.
327
00:12:07,965 --> 00:12:09,902
[Nandor]
Hello, Guillermo.
328
00:12:09,935 --> 00:12:11,940
I've been looking for you.
329
00:12:11,973 --> 00:12:13,610
Where are you?
330
00:12:13,643 --> 00:12:16,916
Oh, I'm right here having a nice
conversation with your mother.
331
00:12:16,949 --> 00:12:19,488
In her apartment.
Where she lives.
332
00:12:19,521 --> 00:12:21,058
My mother has nothing
to do with this.
333
00:12:21,091 --> 00:12:22,561
If you touch her, I swear...
334
00:12:24,130 --> 00:12:25,901
[Silvia speaking Spanish]
335
00:12:25,934 --> 00:12:27,605
Well, you know where I am.
Why don't you come over here
336
00:12:27,638 --> 00:12:29,408
and we can discuss
what happens next.
337
00:12:29,441 --> 00:12:30,543
[phone beeps]
338
00:12:30,577 --> 00:12:32,447
-I have to go.
-Bye, Daddy.
339
00:12:32,480 --> 00:12:34,084
Have you checked out already?
Or is it okay if we hang here?
340
00:12:34,117 --> 00:12:35,854
[Dog Guillermo]
He's not coming back.
341
00:12:37,591 --> 00:12:39,260
-Ah, come on, you stupid...
-[dings]
342
00:12:42,433 --> 00:12:44,572
-Get away from her.
-Guillermo.
343
00:12:44,605 --> 00:12:47,076
[speaking Spanish]
344
00:12:48,646 --> 00:12:49,882
I'll be back, okay?
345
00:12:49,915 --> 00:12:50,951
¿Cómo está, mijo?
346
00:12:50,984 --> 00:12:52,922
-Hey, Mami.
-Mwah.
347
00:12:52,955 --> 00:12:54,625
Don't be long, Sylvia.
348
00:12:54,658 --> 00:12:56,462
Still want to see
the photographs of Guillermo
349
00:12:56,495 --> 00:12:58,466
in this gotico phase.
350
00:12:58,499 --> 00:12:59,902
You can kill me if you want,
351
00:12:59,935 --> 00:13:01,038
but you leave her
out of this, okay?
352
00:13:01,071 --> 00:13:02,474
Oh, I know I could kill you.
353
00:13:02,507 --> 00:13:04,377
And you'd deserve it.
354
00:13:04,410 --> 00:13:07,450
[Guillermo panting]
355
00:13:09,588 --> 00:13:12,527
But I have decided not to.
356
00:13:12,561 --> 00:13:14,064
Yeah, well, I don't believe you.
357
00:13:14,097 --> 00:13:16,401
No, of course you don't.
358
00:13:16,434 --> 00:13:19,441
But something happened
recently and...
359
00:13:19,474 --> 00:13:21,245
it's made me change my mind.
360
00:13:21,278 --> 00:13:24,552
-Oh, yeah? What?
-My friend Patton Oswalt.
361
00:13:24,585 --> 00:13:27,558
He passed away quite suddenly.
And, um...
362
00:13:27,591 --> 00:13:31,064
it didn't feel good
losing a friend.
363
00:13:31,097 --> 00:13:33,102
How do I know
you're telling the truth?
364
00:13:33,135 --> 00:13:34,906
Because I give you
my word as a vampire.
365
00:13:34,939 --> 00:13:38,680
-[scoffs] Not good enough.
-Then I give you my word...
366
00:13:38,713 --> 00:13:40,249
as a warrior.
367
00:13:40,282 --> 00:13:42,621
-[hisses]
-[grunts]
368
00:13:43,990 --> 00:13:46,027
[speaking Persian]
369
00:13:47,029 --> 00:13:49,367
Translation:
370
00:13:49,400 --> 00:13:51,204
"If I'm lying...
371
00:13:52,741 --> 00:13:54,545
...then kill me now."
372
00:14:04,397 --> 00:14:05,533
Then it is settled.
373
00:14:05,567 --> 00:14:07,537
You'll come home with me, alive.
374
00:14:07,571 --> 00:14:08,673
Mami, no!
375
00:14:08,706 --> 00:14:11,345
[speaks Spanish]
376
00:14:11,378 --> 00:14:12,514
Wow, that worked.
377
00:14:12,548 --> 00:14:14,151
-Mm?
-Hmm?
378
00:14:14,184 --> 00:14:15,687
[owl hoots]
379
00:14:15,720 --> 00:14:17,190
We return with news.
380
00:14:17,223 --> 00:14:19,729
I no longer plan
to kill Guillermo.
381
00:14:19,762 --> 00:14:21,265
-Yay.
-[Nadja] Yay.
382
00:14:21,298 --> 00:14:22,635
He will live here
in this house, with us,
383
00:14:22,668 --> 00:14:24,437
-as an equal.
-[Laszlo laughs]
384
00:14:24,470 --> 00:14:26,141
As a vampire.
385
00:14:26,174 --> 00:14:29,181
-Boo.
-Where once we were four,
we are now five.
386
00:14:29,214 --> 00:14:30,584
I think your math is off.
387
00:14:30,617 --> 00:14:32,621
If I had known Gizmo was
going to stay with us,
388
00:14:32,654 --> 00:14:34,992
I would've said just kill him
and be done with it.
389
00:14:35,025 --> 00:14:36,629
[Colin]
Where is he going to sit?
390
00:14:36,662 --> 00:14:38,465
I-I'm not giving up my seat.
So where is he going to sit?
391
00:14:38,498 --> 00:14:42,073
Hold on a second. Gizmo cannot
fully become a vampire
392
00:14:42,106 --> 00:14:43,710
due to his Van Helsing blood.
393
00:14:43,743 --> 00:14:45,313
[Nandor]
Laszlo, Laszlo,
394
00:14:45,346 --> 00:14:47,450
with all your experiments
and your notetaking,
395
00:14:47,483 --> 00:14:49,722
and your weird-ass,
hybrid freaks,
396
00:14:49,755 --> 00:14:52,260
you never thought of
the simplest solution.
397
00:14:52,293 --> 00:14:55,767
-Which is?
-You never got Guillermo
to drink human blood.
398
00:14:55,800 --> 00:15:00,175
-Wait. Y-You never
thought of that?
-Shut up.
399
00:15:01,546 --> 00:15:03,683
-I don't think I can do this.
-You must.
400
00:15:03,716 --> 00:15:05,286
Or else you'll be
eternally frozen
401
00:15:05,319 --> 00:15:07,624
in this painful, unending limbo.
Now drink.
402
00:15:09,060 --> 00:15:10,496
Come on, Guillermo.
403
00:15:10,529 --> 00:15:12,267
-Drink, bitch.
-[Colin] Yeah, drink it, bitch.
404
00:15:12,300 --> 00:15:14,237
-[Laszlo] Yes.
-Drink it.
-[Nadja] Swallow it all.
405
00:15:14,270 --> 00:15:15,707
-Drink. Drink.
-[Nadja] Suck on it, baby.
Come on, drink!
406
00:15:15,740 --> 00:15:17,611
-Swallow it.
-Drink. Drink.
-Oi, drink.
407
00:15:17,644 --> 00:15:18,679
-Drink. Drink.
-[Nadja] Drink it.
Take it like a man.
408
00:15:20,416 --> 00:15:21,619
[gasps]
409
00:15:21,652 --> 00:15:23,289
[Laszlo]
Fangs.
410
00:15:23,322 --> 00:15:25,761
-[laughs]
-Wow
-Ah.
411
00:15:25,794 --> 00:15:27,397
I've never felt more alive.
412
00:15:27,430 --> 00:15:29,301
I really should've
thought of that.
413
00:15:29,334 --> 00:15:30,436
I'm a vampire. [laughs]
414
00:15:30,469 --> 00:15:31,739
I'm a vampire!
415
00:15:31,772 --> 00:15:35,213
-I'm a vampire!
-[Laszlo] Yahoo.
416
00:15:35,246 --> 00:15:36,281
Yep.
417
00:15:36,314 --> 00:15:37,785
-Nicely done.
-[laughs]
418
00:15:37,818 --> 00:15:41,124
[whooshing]
419
00:15:41,157 --> 00:15:44,197
-One sip of blood and he's
like Cornholio over here.
-[Laszlo laughs]
420
00:15:44,230 --> 00:15:45,399
Yes.
421
00:15:45,432 --> 00:15:46,569
-[Laszlo] He likes that.
422
00:15:46,602 --> 00:15:48,272
-[glass shatters]
-[Nadja] Ooh.
423
00:15:48,305 --> 00:15:51,245
Behold what I've become.
424
00:15:51,278 --> 00:15:53,349
Yes, yes, we've all been there.
425
00:15:53,382 --> 00:15:55,119
Why are we all
sitting on our asses?
426
00:15:55,152 --> 00:15:56,789
Let's do something!
What do we do next?
427
00:15:56,822 --> 00:15:57,825
Get a broom.
428
00:15:57,858 --> 00:15:59,795
Now, we hunt!
429
00:15:59,828 --> 00:16:02,601
-[cheering]
-[Nadja] I'm sorry,
Mommy needs to eat.
430
00:16:02,634 --> 00:16:04,337
-[Nandor] Hunt, hunt, hunt!
-[sighs]
431
00:16:04,370 --> 00:16:05,539
Hunt, hunt!
432
00:16:05,573 --> 00:16:07,309
FOMO.
433
00:16:10,482 --> 00:16:12,453
[Colin speaking quietly]
434
00:16:12,486 --> 00:16:14,057
Which reminds me,
435
00:16:14,090 --> 00:16:16,696
what's the fastest way
to become a millionaire?
436
00:16:16,729 --> 00:16:20,503
You start as a billionaire
and buy a winery.
437
00:16:20,536 --> 00:16:23,142
[chuckles] Just a little
wine humor for you.
438
00:16:23,175 --> 00:16:24,477
Oh. [belches]
439
00:16:24,510 --> 00:16:25,714
[Colin] Sommeliers are
a dying breed...
440
00:16:25,747 --> 00:16:28,352
Oh. I've eaten too much.
I feel sick.
441
00:16:28,385 --> 00:16:29,789
Go on, Guillermo.
442
00:16:29,822 --> 00:16:32,828
I bonked this one on the head
just for you.
443
00:16:32,861 --> 00:16:34,497
They're much easier
to drain and kill
444
00:16:34,530 --> 00:16:36,268
when they're not
wriggling around.
445
00:16:36,301 --> 00:16:38,339
Oh, no, I-I'm actually
not that hungry.
446
00:16:38,372 --> 00:16:41,111
Okay, well, FYI, if you leave
them hanging around too long
447
00:16:41,144 --> 00:16:44,785
when they're unconscious,
their blood, it loses its zing.
448
00:16:44,818 --> 00:16:47,090
[growling, slurping]
449
00:16:47,123 --> 00:16:49,394
[Guillermo]
I've never killed anyone before.
450
00:16:49,427 --> 00:16:52,200
I mean, I guess dozens
of vampires.
451
00:16:52,233 --> 00:16:53,803
And I did bring humans
452
00:16:53,836 --> 00:16:55,641
to the vampires
so they could kill them.
453
00:16:55,674 --> 00:16:56,876
And I've dismembered,
454
00:16:56,909 --> 00:16:58,747
like, a ton of dead bodies.
455
00:16:58,780 --> 00:17:01,318
But back at the restaurant,
that was a real living person.
456
00:17:01,351 --> 00:17:03,556
And when I leaned in to take...
457
00:17:03,589 --> 00:17:04,558
I could...
458
00:17:04,591 --> 00:17:07,263
smell their shampoo
459
00:17:07,296 --> 00:17:09,200
and all I kept thinking was
460
00:17:09,233 --> 00:17:10,604
this guy was at CVS
461
00:17:10,637 --> 00:17:12,540
just sniffing away
all these shampoos
462
00:17:12,574 --> 00:17:14,477
and says, "Eh, I think
I'll get this one
463
00:17:14,510 --> 00:17:16,616
because it reminds me of where
I used to go camping as a kid."
464
00:17:16,649 --> 00:17:18,252
[whimpers]
465
00:17:18,285 --> 00:17:20,156
I can't do this, I'm sorry.
Could we...
466
00:17:20,189 --> 00:17:22,359
-I can't--
-[audio cuts out]
467
00:17:25,232 --> 00:17:27,503
[door closes]
468
00:17:27,536 --> 00:17:29,574
[approaching footsteps]
469
00:17:34,585 --> 00:17:36,689
Just as I feared.
470
00:17:38,191 --> 00:17:41,598
Guillermo is not cut out
to be a vampire.
471
00:17:42,701 --> 00:17:45,172
I will fix.
472
00:17:48,546 --> 00:17:50,149
[whooshes]
473
00:17:50,182 --> 00:17:51,351
You summoned me?
474
00:17:51,384 --> 00:17:53,422
Yes, I wish for Guillermo--
475
00:17:53,455 --> 00:17:56,161
Eh, eh, you ran out
of wishes a long time ago.
476
00:17:56,194 --> 00:17:57,631
Have you just been
carrying me around?
477
00:17:57,664 --> 00:17:59,334
Maybe.
478
00:17:59,367 --> 00:18:00,771
-Yeah.
-[groans]
479
00:18:00,804 --> 00:18:02,273
Okay, well...
480
00:18:02,306 --> 00:18:04,578
Nice to see you again.
You can, uh...
481
00:18:04,611 --> 00:18:06,314
Can't I stretch
my legs a little?
482
00:18:06,347 --> 00:18:08,385
I wish I could help you,
but, uh...
483
00:18:08,418 --> 00:18:10,422
-That's very funny.
-Get in the fucking lamp.
484
00:18:14,898 --> 00:18:17,470
I didn't even know there
was a special ceremony for...
485
00:18:17,503 --> 00:18:19,608
Wait, what was the ceremony
called again?
486
00:18:19,641 --> 00:18:22,413
The Ceremony
of Vampiric Transmogrification.
487
00:18:22,446 --> 00:18:23,515
-Oh.
-Don't be nervous,
488
00:18:23,549 --> 00:18:24,785
we have all been through it.
489
00:18:24,818 --> 00:18:26,923
Well, is it scary?
490
00:18:26,956 --> 00:18:28,927
Nothing you cannot handle.
491
00:18:28,960 --> 00:18:31,632
The ancient ceremony will help
hasten you along your path.
492
00:18:31,665 --> 00:18:34,705
[ominous music playing]
493
00:18:34,738 --> 00:18:35,974
It is time.
494
00:18:36,007 --> 00:18:37,644
Are you ready?
495
00:18:37,677 --> 00:18:39,480
I am.
496
00:18:41,919 --> 00:18:43,522
♪ ♪
497
00:18:43,556 --> 00:18:44,992
Hey.
498
00:18:45,025 --> 00:18:46,696
Derek is here, too?
499
00:18:46,729 --> 00:18:49,000
Yes. Fucking guy.
500
00:18:49,033 --> 00:18:52,273
But ancient ritual dictates
that he must be present.
501
00:18:52,306 --> 00:18:54,745
-Come on.
-[Guillermo] Hey, everyone.
502
00:18:54,778 --> 00:18:56,515
Hello.
503
00:18:56,549 --> 00:18:57,684
-Derek.
-Hey.
504
00:18:57,717 --> 00:18:59,354
[music shuts off]
505
00:18:59,387 --> 00:19:00,891
-[Nandor clears throat]
-[stomps, bell tolls]
506
00:19:00,924 --> 00:19:04,598
Vampires all, gather we here
in the dark of night?
507
00:19:04,631 --> 00:19:05,867
[vampires]
We do.
508
00:19:05,900 --> 00:19:08,472
We have made of ourselves
a circle?
509
00:19:08,505 --> 00:19:10,309
-The circle--
-The circle unbroken.
-Unbroken.
510
00:19:10,342 --> 00:19:12,915
[Nandor]
We gather here
in a circle unbroken
511
00:19:12,948 --> 00:19:15,453
at the crossroads
between life and death.
512
00:19:15,486 --> 00:19:19,027
Guillermo de la Cruz,
are you prepared?
513
00:19:19,060 --> 00:19:20,664
I am.
514
00:19:20,697 --> 00:19:23,502
Guillermo de la Cruz,
are you of sound mind
515
00:19:23,535 --> 00:19:24,939
and strong of body?
516
00:19:24,972 --> 00:19:26,441
I am.
517
00:19:26,474 --> 00:19:27,744
A choice will be made.
518
00:19:27,777 --> 00:19:30,015
This choice can only
be made by you.
519
00:19:30,048 --> 00:19:33,322
We vampires here
are only witnesses.
520
00:19:33,355 --> 00:19:36,394
Mistress of Ceremony,
prepare the flames.
521
00:19:36,427 --> 00:19:37,864
[clears throat] That's me.
522
00:19:38,966 --> 00:19:40,737
Nicely done.
523
00:19:40,770 --> 00:19:44,745
Guillermo de la Cruz,
I will now ask you one question.
524
00:19:44,778 --> 00:19:47,651
The answer must come
from your heart.
525
00:19:47,684 --> 00:19:49,588
For this is the last time
526
00:19:49,621 --> 00:19:51,626
you get to make
this final choice.
527
00:19:51,659 --> 00:19:53,730
-Do I make myself clear?
-Mm-hmm.
528
00:19:53,763 --> 00:19:57,704
The question is:
Would you rather be a human...
529
00:19:59,473 --> 00:20:01,043
...or vampire?
530
00:20:09,728 --> 00:20:11,330
A human.
531
00:20:15,005 --> 00:20:16,609
As I predicted.
532
00:20:16,642 --> 00:20:17,911
It's not that I don't
want to be a vampire,
533
00:20:17,944 --> 00:20:19,380
-I really, really do.
-Sure.
534
00:20:19,413 --> 00:20:20,784
It's all the killing.
535
00:20:20,817 --> 00:20:22,486
You can spare us the details,
it's fine.
536
00:20:22,519 --> 00:20:24,658
You want to be a human,
there's no shame in that.
537
00:20:24,691 --> 00:20:26,094
-We're gonna make it happen.
-Wait, what?
538
00:20:26,127 --> 00:20:29,735
Mistress of Ceremony,
distribute the hoods.
539
00:20:29,768 --> 00:20:31,371
That's me again.
540
00:20:31,404 --> 00:20:34,477
-You're doing a great job.
-Thank you, Derek.
541
00:20:34,510 --> 00:20:36,081
-Can I get a smaller--
-They're unisex.
542
00:20:36,114 --> 00:20:37,851
-It's a one size fits all
situation? Okay.
-Yep. Mm-hmm.
543
00:20:37,884 --> 00:20:39,822
Do I get a hood, or...
544
00:20:39,855 --> 00:20:40,824
-[Nandor] Hurry it up.
-[Baron] I have one
for you, too.
545
00:20:40,857 --> 00:20:42,426
[Sire]
Thank you.
546
00:20:42,459 --> 00:20:45,700
We blind ourselves
that none may witness.
547
00:20:45,733 --> 00:20:47,503
Hoods on, everyone.
548
00:20:47,536 --> 00:20:50,109
♪ We blind ourselves ♪
549
00:20:50,142 --> 00:20:55,620
[together]
♪ That none may see. ♪
550
00:20:55,653 --> 00:20:58,358
[Nandor] Very nice.
Proceed to position two.
551
00:20:58,391 --> 00:20:59,862
[bell tolling]
552
00:20:59,895 --> 00:21:01,398
[Derek]
I'm sorry,
w-what's position two?
553
00:21:01,431 --> 00:21:02,834
Just as you are, Derek,
that's fine.
554
00:21:02,867 --> 00:21:05,607
-Wait, what?
-It is the only way, Guillermo.
555
00:21:05,640 --> 00:21:07,644
-W-Won't I die, too?
-No.
556
00:21:07,677 --> 00:21:09,848
You'll go back to how you were
when you were turned.
557
00:21:09,881 --> 00:21:12,453
You'll just get a month older
really quickly.
558
00:21:12,486 --> 00:21:13,856
There's got to be another way.
559
00:21:13,889 --> 00:21:15,794
There's no other way.
560
00:21:15,827 --> 00:21:17,964
It is the only way.
561
00:21:33,963 --> 00:21:35,432
[exhales]
562
00:21:38,538 --> 00:21:40,142
-I can't do this.
-[coughs] Knew it.
563
00:21:40,175 --> 00:21:42,079
[Derek]
I'm sorry, can't do what?
What am I missing?
564
00:21:42,112 --> 00:21:43,081
[Nandor]
Just keep that hood on, Derek.
You're doing great.
565
00:21:43,114 --> 00:21:44,083
[Derek]
Thank you.
566
00:21:44,116 --> 00:21:46,053
You want me to do it?
567
00:21:47,991 --> 00:21:50,162
-I don't know.
-I do.
568
00:21:50,195 --> 00:21:51,765
Give me that.
569
00:21:53,134 --> 00:21:55,774
[Derek grunts]
570
00:21:55,807 --> 00:21:58,880
[Nandor]
Guillermo, you okay?
571
00:21:58,913 --> 00:22:00,650
-[Colin] Whoa!
[Laszlo] Um...
-[Nandor] Oh, shit.
572
00:22:00,683 --> 00:22:02,486
[Guillermo]
Everything's kind of blurry.
573
00:22:02,519 --> 00:22:04,056
I think I need my old glasses.
574
00:22:05,660 --> 00:22:07,530
-Here.
-Thank you.
575
00:22:07,564 --> 00:22:09,000
Well, that was fun.
576
00:22:09,033 --> 00:22:10,637
Can we turn the regular lights
on now, please?
577
00:22:10,670 --> 00:22:12,908
Oh, sure. Can somebody
help me pick up all these
578
00:22:12,941 --> 00:22:15,045
hoods and robes?
579
00:22:15,078 --> 00:22:16,949
Eh, just leave them.
Garfield will pick 'em up later.
580
00:22:16,982 --> 00:22:20,155
I must say, the, uh,
the banners are a lovely touch.
581
00:22:20,188 --> 00:22:21,626
You know, I like them, too.
582
00:22:21,659 --> 00:22:22,894
What do they mean?
583
00:22:22,927 --> 00:22:24,665
I don't know,
to be honest, Baron.
584
00:22:24,698 --> 00:22:26,969
I just wanted something
that looked cool and creepy.
585
00:22:27,002 --> 00:22:28,505
Very nice, yes.
586
00:22:28,538 --> 00:22:30,175
[speaking vampiric language]
587
00:22:30,208 --> 00:22:32,547
We have a sitter waiting at
home, so we're gonna head out.
588
00:22:32,580 --> 00:22:34,150
-Good evening.
-Kalinychta.
-[Guide] Bye.
589
00:22:34,183 --> 00:22:36,656
[Nandor] Anyone up for
a game of parcheesi?
590
00:22:36,689 --> 00:22:38,125
[Nadja] Maybe a movie.
591
00:22:38,158 --> 00:22:39,561
-I'm zonked.
-[Colin] The Brothers McMullin?
592
00:22:39,594 --> 00:22:40,864
That wasn't even
a real ceremony, was it?
593
00:22:40,897 --> 00:22:42,601
No.
594
00:22:42,634 --> 00:22:45,674
I found the robes in a box
in the attic and, uh...
595
00:22:45,707 --> 00:22:48,077
the candles I think we got
from a Home Depot?
596
00:22:50,717 --> 00:22:52,621
I'm sorry, Guillermo.
597
00:22:52,654 --> 00:22:53,923
It was the only way
for you to figure out
598
00:22:53,956 --> 00:22:55,760
what you actually wanted.
599
00:22:55,793 --> 00:22:58,532
It was a horrible
and hard decision.
600
00:22:58,566 --> 00:23:00,101
I think you made
the right choice.
601
00:23:01,672 --> 00:23:03,241
I know.
602
00:23:03,274 --> 00:23:05,145
Now, if you wouldn't mind
clearing up Derek's corpse
603
00:23:05,178 --> 00:23:07,917
before sunrise,
that would be great.
604
00:23:14,564 --> 00:23:17,571
Its alright i"ll give you a hand.
605
00:23:17,604 --> 00:23:18,972
Thanks, Laszlo.
606
00:23:20,242 --> 00:23:22,914
♪ ♪
607
00:23:26,087 --> 00:23:28,225
-You take the bag,
I'll take Derek.
-Okay.
608
00:23:28,258 --> 00:23:30,529
Come on, old chap.
You better get the door.
609
00:23:30,563 --> 00:23:31,665
[Guillermo]
Mr. Necromancer?
610
00:23:31,698 --> 00:23:33,101
[knocking]
611
00:23:34,704 --> 00:23:36,876
And you have the necessary
items required
612
00:23:36,909 --> 00:23:38,546
for the procedure to succeed?
613
00:23:38,579 --> 00:23:40,583
He means the cash.
614
00:23:40,616 --> 00:23:41,986
[Guillermo]
Yeah, it was almost all
the money I gave Derek
615
00:23:42,019 --> 00:23:43,956
to turn me into a vampire.
616
00:23:43,989 --> 00:23:46,896
He only spent like $270
on "vampire clothes"
617
00:23:46,929 --> 00:23:49,233
that he got from Hot Topic.
618
00:23:49,266 --> 00:23:52,239
You don't need to count it.
It's all there, necromancer.
619
00:23:52,272 --> 00:23:53,709
I should trust you
620
00:23:53,742 --> 00:23:55,547
when you when you show me
no respect for me
621
00:23:55,580 --> 00:23:57,584
or my beguiling powers?
622
00:23:57,617 --> 00:23:58,986
Respect? For a fraud?
623
00:23:59,019 --> 00:24:01,157
But you've seen
my methods succeed.
624
00:24:01,190 --> 00:24:03,896
I've seen your magic.
It has a fraudulent vibe.
625
00:24:03,929 --> 00:24:05,633
Okay, okay.
Boys, why don't we focus?
626
00:24:05,666 --> 00:24:07,937
[chanting]
627
00:24:10,142 --> 00:24:12,914
He's doing his scatting shit.
628
00:24:12,947 --> 00:24:15,787
-[chanting]
-[bell tolls]
629
00:24:15,820 --> 00:24:19,226
-[thunder crashing]
-[manic chanting]
630
00:24:22,834 --> 00:24:25,305
Yah! [spits]
631
00:24:25,338 --> 00:24:27,209
Get in, you dirty bastard!
632
00:24:27,242 --> 00:24:28,980
[gasps]
633
00:24:29,013 --> 00:24:30,182
[gurgling]
634
00:24:30,215 --> 00:24:31,317
Derek...
635
00:24:31,350 --> 00:24:33,656
[gasping]
636
00:24:33,689 --> 00:24:35,860
[raspy]
What's up, dude?
637
00:24:35,893 --> 00:24:37,731
All right. Begone with ya.
638
00:24:37,764 --> 00:24:39,267
He's all yours.
639
00:24:39,300 --> 00:24:41,739
But, uh, if you're worried
about taking care of him,
640
00:24:41,772 --> 00:24:43,141
we do have a new offer.
641
00:24:43,174 --> 00:24:44,645
Of course you do.
642
00:24:44,678 --> 00:24:45,947
-For a nominal fee...
-Here he goes.
643
00:24:45,980 --> 00:24:47,316
...a rehousing option.
644
00:24:47,349 --> 00:24:48,786
-[whistles] Topher!
-No.
645
00:24:48,819 --> 00:24:50,355
[snarling]
646
00:24:50,388 --> 00:24:51,759
[Laszlo]
What the fuck?
647
00:24:51,792 --> 00:24:55,065
[guttural]
Who calls... Topher?
648
00:24:55,098 --> 00:24:56,702
What's this "Thriller" shit?
649
00:24:56,735 --> 00:24:59,340
-[gasping]
-[screaming]
650
00:24:59,373 --> 00:25:00,910
[normal voice]
JK.
651
00:25:00,943 --> 00:25:02,079
-[laughter]
-[Laszlo] Oh, it's that guy.
652
00:25:02,112 --> 00:25:04,317
-Topher!
-Yeah, baby. Sup, guys?
653
00:25:04,350 --> 00:25:05,954
How you doing, Guillermo?
654
00:25:05,987 --> 00:25:07,791
[Guillermo]
Topher, you look, uh...
655
00:25:07,824 --> 00:25:09,360
-You look like shit.
-Well, I'm au naturel, babe.
656
00:25:09,393 --> 00:25:11,064
I've had some work done.
657
00:25:11,097 --> 00:25:12,634
You know, I'm still undead,
658
00:25:12,667 --> 00:25:14,170
but I'm making
the most of it, man.
659
00:25:14,203 --> 00:25:16,040
Once you get used
to the zombie body,
660
00:25:16,073 --> 00:25:18,211
you can actually learn
to talk normal again.
661
00:25:18,244 --> 00:25:20,215
Like this. Pretty cool, huh?
662
00:25:20,248 --> 00:25:21,986
-He just does the accent
for the tourists.
-Eh, you know.
663
00:25:22,019 --> 00:25:23,723
Take 'em for an arm and a leg.
664
00:25:23,756 --> 00:25:25,325
-[laughter]
-Yeah, man.
665
00:25:25,358 --> 00:25:26,795
Who we got here?
666
00:25:26,828 --> 00:25:29,000
-Der. Ek.
-[Topher] Oh, hey, look at that.
667
00:25:29,033 --> 00:25:30,737
Yeah, he's trying.
668
00:25:30,770 --> 00:25:32,106
It's gonna take him
a couple months
669
00:25:32,139 --> 00:25:33,709
to learn how to use
the ol' mouth again.
670
00:25:33,742 --> 00:25:35,713
But in the meantime,
the more the merrier.
671
00:25:35,746 --> 00:25:38,185
Hey, Derek. How would you
like to join a gang
672
00:25:38,218 --> 00:25:40,255
of crazy motherfuckers
just like yourself?
673
00:25:40,288 --> 00:25:41,992
There's always room
for a new friend.
674
00:25:42,025 --> 00:25:44,397
-Friend?
-Yeah. Friend!
675
00:25:44,430 --> 00:25:46,134
High five! [laughs]
676
00:25:46,167 --> 00:25:47,938
Oh, yeah, takes a second.
677
00:25:47,971 --> 00:25:49,340
-Come on, buddy.
-Whoa!
678
00:25:49,373 --> 00:25:51,411
-Easy, Derek.
-[laughs]
679
00:25:51,444 --> 00:25:54,852
Hey, boys, set a place at the
table for our new friend Derek!
680
00:25:54,885 --> 00:25:56,387
-[zombies cheering]
-[laughter]
681
00:25:56,420 --> 00:25:58,158
Hey, you like eating
human flesh?
682
00:25:58,191 --> 00:26:00,697
-[growls]
-Oh, you will.
683
00:26:00,730 --> 00:26:02,099
Very... cool.
684
00:26:02,132 --> 00:26:04,437
-Bye, Derek.
-[Laszlo] Bye, Derek.
685
00:26:04,470 --> 00:26:06,708
["Infidel Zombie"
by The Dickies playing]
686
00:26:10,148 --> 00:26:12,086
♪ Well, I've been running
for a while ♪
687
00:26:12,119 --> 00:26:16,094
♪ And I know that
the I'm next in line... ♪
688
00:26:16,127 --> 00:26:17,697
Do you take Venmo?
689
00:26:17,730 --> 00:26:20,837
Venmo? I take cash,
hard cash or gold coin.
690
00:26:20,870 --> 00:26:22,106
Or Zelle.
691
00:26:22,139 --> 00:26:24,711
♪ She's an infidel zombie ♪
692
00:26:24,744 --> 00:26:27,249
♪ And she gets depressed
with duress ♪
693
00:26:27,282 --> 00:26:29,253
♪ A love that cannot find me ♪
694
00:26:29,286 --> 00:26:31,926
♪ She's an infidel zombie ♪
695
00:26:31,959 --> 00:26:34,397
♪ And she gets depressed
with duress ♪
696
00:26:34,430 --> 00:26:36,401
♪ A love that cannot find me ♪
697
00:26:36,434 --> 00:26:39,006
♪ She's an infidel zombie ♪
698
00:26:39,039 --> 00:26:41,444
♪ Let me tell you,
I don't believe it ♪
699
00:26:41,477 --> 00:26:44,116
♪ There's a bullet
with my name on it now ♪
700
00:26:44,149 --> 00:26:45,887
♪ I don't believe it ♪
701
00:26:45,920 --> 00:26:47,156
♪ There's a bullet
with my name on it ♪
702
00:26:47,189 --> 00:26:49,060
♪ I said I don't believe it ♪
703
00:26:49,093 --> 00:26:51,999
♪ There's a bullet
with my name on it now. ♪
704
00:26:52,032 --> 00:26:54,236
♪ ♪
705
00:27:07,797 --> 00:27:11,300
Captioned by
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