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Hey, dude, I don't remember
the password. Let me in.

I think someone's following me.

Who?

Get in here.
It's the doc crew.

You, too. Come on.

When I ran away from Nandor,

I didn't really
know where to go.

Guillermo!

So I just
flew for hours and hours.

Which was a little cool because

that was the longest
I've ever stayed a bat.

But also not cool

because I knew Nandor was trying

to track me down to kill me.

Eventually, I just went
to Derek because...

I had no one else to turn to.

I've just been laying low,

hiding for who knows how long.

I wish they had Bravo here.

I think there was a van
tailing me, they may have been

- tailing you, too.
- Derek, that was them.

Whoa.

- You guys are good. Respect.
- Derek, just promise me

you haven't told
anyone else that I'm here.

Guillermo, who would I tell?
Literally. My neighbor Chad?

Because... yes,
actually, I did tell Chad.

This is serious, okay?

My master is actively
trying to kill me.

Did you bring my meat?

Yes, burgers, extra
rare, just like you asked.

I tried hypnosis on the cashier
so I could get them for free.

Turns out, I'm bad at it.

So, um, I don't know
if you use Venmo

or maybe you're a Zelle guy...

These are not raw.

I can taste that they've
kissed the grill, Derek.

- Sup, bitch?
- What the hell are you doing here?

Did anyone see you? Get inside.

No, and it wouldn't
matter if they did

because, hello, I'm in disguise.

Stop dancing, get inside.

How did you find me?

Your friend Derek told
me where you were hiding.

I paid him a little visit

earlier today, see?

So, that was you.

Who did you think it was?

She told me her name
was Detective Policeman.

- That's funny.
- I'm gonna need you to do me a favor, buddy.

Can you go to the market
and get me some raw, raw meat

and make sure you don't
tell anyone where I'm at.

- Can you do that?
- Can do, can do.

- Thank you, buddy.
- Okay, great.

- Okay. Thanks so much.
- See you guys in a minute.

Idiot.

Guillermo. Sit.

You simply cannot talk to
the vampire who turned you

with such disrespect.

That is a sacred relationship.

You have to protect him.

Like we protect the
Baron and the Sire.

If anything was to
happen to that stupid man,

the effects for you, my
friend, would be catastrophic.

Yes.

I'm sorry, I shouldn't have
spoken to Derek like that.

I'm just a little bit on edge
with the whole, you know...

Nandor trying to kill you thing.

- Awkward.
- Which, by the way, um...

Any progress on that end?

Yeah, um, a little.

- You talked to him?
- Yeah.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

What'd he say?

Nandor, come on.

I'm gonna murder him!

Maybe if I write him a letter...

Yeah, like if you wrote
him a suicide note,

and actually
followed through on it,

then that would
probably cool him down.

Wow. They're really
going at it, aren't they?

Why did I do this?

Look, relationships evolve.

Like me and those Antipaxon
people who work at the diner.

At first, I was just using
them to get rid of my hex.

But then it turned out...

I really like hanging
out with those guys.

I know you didn't mean...

I know you didn't mean

for things to turn out this way,

but I think it's time

you need to accept...
You know what?

Hang on, I cannot
take this anymore!

Yeah!

It's hard, you know.

To
Know that you've done something,

that you messed
up but you can't...

fix it and...

And she's joined them.

Night after night, I hunt.

I cannot rest until Guillermo
has taken his last breath

and I feel his bones
crunch under my boots.

So I've been
watching the one place

I know he will
return to eventually...

Panera Bread.

I've got you now.

He can run,

but he cannot run far.

Because he has very short legs.

Guillermo, now you will die.

I-I didn't do anything.

Those that betray me will pay
the ultimate price, Guillermo.

And this disguise

that has slightly
altered your appearance

does not fool me.

I'm not Guillermo!
I'm not Guillermo!

I'm Patton Oswalt. I'm an actor.

- Patton Oswalt?
- Yeah.

- An actor?
- Yes!

What would I know you from?

- I was in Ratatouille.
- Is that a movie?

It's... It was animated.

I was the voice of a rat.

I prefer live action.

Do you know John Slattery?

I don't know him
personally, I know of him.

- He seems really cool.
- He is.

Yes, I-I'm gonna pass out...

My apologies, Patton Oswalt.

You are respectful,
unlike Guillermo.

I have been lying
in wait for him

on the top of that
building there.

It's only a matter of time

before he returns
to Panera Bread,

like a gazelle to
his watering hole.

And when he does, I will strike.

Are you sure it's
that Panera Bread?

- What do you mean?
- There's a lot of Panera Breads.

They're... They're
all over the city.

Shit.

- -Who is it?
- Gigi?

- Hello.
- What are you doing here?

- How did you find me?
- I just...

took a map of Staten
Island and laid it over a grid

and looked for any
motel that shared a square

with an Arby's, a party
store or a sweater shop.

Well, I'm not near
any of those things.

Yeah, I know, so
I just asked Nadja.

Great. What do you want?

First off, I just want
to wish you good luck.

You're a nice enough
guy caught in a bad sitch.

I-I don't think any of us were
hoping for this outcome for you.

Thank you.

Secondly, I am here to
conduct your exit interview,

from your job as a familiar.

And also your life, so...

Have a seat. I don't want to
take up too much of your time,

I know it's valuable.

Because there's
so little of it left.

Okay.

Familiar exit
interview, 10:47 p.m.,

Colin Robinson
conducting interview.

Um, Mr. de la "Cruzz,"

what's prompting
you to leave your job?

Nandor trying to kill me.

And... what was your
salary as a familiar?

I don't get paid.

No, but
honestly, for this to work,

I kind of need
a ballpark figure.

$500, $550 a week?

I don't get paid.

And do you think
we can get away with

not paying the next person?

Okay. This interview's over.

Interview concluded by subject

who was cooperative and
at times almost articulate.

Okay, thank you.

This is just from me.

It was nice having
you in the house.

Thanks, Colin.

"Jay Sturkel, Quarter
Four Sales Leader, 1977."

I got it at estate sale,
but y-you get the drift.

- Congratulations.
- Thank you.

I think what bugs me the most

is that I have given
Guillermo my friendship.

This is a gift I do not
give to just anyone.

You know, friendship
has to be... earned.

How is your, um...

- Turkey Bacon Bravo.
- Yes.

It is, it's good.

And I usually get the
bread bowls here...

I think what it is

is that I thought
Guillermo had earned it.

You are a good
listener, Patton Oswalt.

You know, it's funny
because something like this

happened with me a couple
years ago with my manager, we...

Shh. Just listen.

We are not talking
about you right now,

are we, Patton Oswalt?

No, we're not.

- So, go on.
- Thank you.

Who is it?

Housekeeping.

-I should ask how you
found out where... -Shh, shh.

What?

I'm guessing you're
content with your...

toilet paper situation?

Yes, thank you.

All right.

Then I will...

leave you to watch the
television for the evening.

And I will say... goodbye.

- Sit down.
- What's going on?

I must apologize, Gizmo,
I feel like I've let you down.

All those science experiments,

they were nothing
but a blind alley.

Laszlo, you tried your best.

No, there's been something I...

You-you should
probably put something on

that's a bit louder than this.

Otherwise, it won't
drown our voices out.

That's better.

I've known you since
you were a young familiar.

And I may have been
hard on you in the past,

and...

Could you put something that...

is as loud but less percussive?

Sport, yes, that's better.

And I say, does
that thing have any...

programs of the adult variety?

I suppose, yeah.

There you go.

You were saying?

Sorry?

- You were saying?
- Yes.

I was saying...

I've known you since you were...

a young fa...

What do you think
they're gonna do?

- Yeah, Laszlo...
- Yes, yes,

s-sorry, since you
were a young familiar.

And, I'm about to
tell you something now

that I've never told
anyone else before.

- L-Laszlo?
- Good grief.

You were going to
tell me something

- you never told anyone before...?
- Shh.

You might have to
give me a minute.

So, yeah, even Laszlo came by.

If I would've known how...

my last couple of
days would play out,

how the last couple of months...

I would've never
asked Derek to turn me.

It's not that I
don't want to die,

and trust me, I really,
really don't want to die,

but I'm just more afraid
of losing the vampires.

My friends.

I always figured if I got
turned into a vampire

that it would... bring
me closer to them.

But it's just left me feeling
more alone than ever.

Nandor, can I ask
you a question?

Yes, Patton Oswalt.

Your friendship with
Guillermo is very special, right?

I thought it was.

And I bet...

killing a friend...

would really hurt.

I imagine it would be
one of the worst feelings

a person could have.

So, what if you...

repair the friendship?

- You repair it...
- So you're saying

that I should not
kill my former friend?

- Yes, you-you...
- This is your suggestion?

Well, you know, you rebuild...

After hearing my tale
of deceit and betrayal?

All that betray me
must be destroyed.

-Wait, wait... -Goodbye,
Patton Oswalt.

He does make a
good point, though.

arm, and a
block of... -

Of course.

Hi. I just came by to
pay you my condolences.

"Sorry for your
loss of your life."

Is there anyone who
doesn't know that I'm here?

Well, I'm usually the last
one to know, so probably not.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

And then I also
brought some friends

who wanted to say goodbye.

Hiya, Daddy.

- Hey.
- Guide lady said you're going off

- to a big, beautiful...
- Hey, big guy.

Farm in the sky.

Can we come?

- No, buddy.
- Aw.

There's no room at the farm.

"In the death of a good man,

eternity is seen
looking through time."

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe.

Okay.

So...

Sorry.

Hola, Ma.

Hello, Guillermo.

I've been looking for you.

Where are you?

I'm right here having a nice
conversation with your mother.

In her apartment.
Where she lives.

My mother has
nothing to do with this.

If you touch her, I swear...

Well, you know where I am.
Why don't you come over here

and we can discuss
what happens next.

- I have to go.
- Bye, Daddy.

Have you checked out already?
Or is it okay if we hang here?

He's not coming back.

Come on, you stupid...

- Get away from her.
- Guillermo.

I'll be back, okay?

¿Cómo está, mijo?

- Hey, Mami.
- Mwah.

Don't be long, Sylvia.

Still want to see the
photographs of Guillermo

in this gotico phase.

You can kill me if you want,

but you leave her
out of this, okay?

I know I could kill you.

And you'd deserve it.

But I have decided not to.

Yeah, well, I don't believe you.

No, of course you don't.

But something
happened recently and...

it's made me change my mind.

- Yeah? What?
- My friend Patton Oswalt.

He passed away quite
suddenly. And, um...

it didn't feel good
losing a friend.

How do I know
you're telling the truth?

Because I give you
my word as a vampire.

- Not good enough.
- Then I give you my word...

as a warrior.

Translation:

"If I'm lying...

then kill me now."

Then it is settled.

You'll come home with me, alive.

Mami, no!

Wow, that worked.

We return with news.

I no longer plan
to kill Guillermo.

- Yay.
- Yay.

He will live here in
this house, with us,

as an equal.

As a vampire.

- Boo.
- Where once we were four, we are now five.

I think your math is off.

If I had known Gizmo
was going to stay with us,

I would've said just kill
him and be done with it.

Where is he going to sit?

I-I'm not giving up my seat.
So where is he going to sit?

Hold on a second. Gizmo
cannot fully become a vampire

due to his Van Helsing blood.

Laszlo, Laszlo,

with all your experiments
and your notetaking,

and your weird-ass,
hybrid freaks,

you never thought of
the simplest solution.

- Which is?
- You never got Guillermo to drink human blood.

- Wait. Y-You never thought of that?
- Shut up.

- I don't think I can do this.
- You must.

Or else you'll be
eternally frozen

in this painful, unending
limbo. Now drink.

Come on, Guillermo.

- Drink, bitch.
- Yeah, drink it, bitch.

- Yes. -Drink it.
- Swallow it all.

- Drink. Drink.
- Suck on it, baby. Come on, drink!

- Swallow it.
- Drink. Drink. -Oi, drink.

- Drink. Drink.
- Drink it. Take it like a man.

Fangs.

Wow.

I've never felt more alive.

I really should've
thought of that.

I'm a vampire.

I'm a vampire!

- I'm a vampire!
- Yahoo.

Yep.

Nicely done.

One sip of blood and he's
like Cornholio over here.

Yes.

He likes that.

Ooh.

Behold what I've become.

Yes, yes, we've all been there.

Why are we all
sitting on our asses?

Let's do something!
What do we do next?

Get a broom.

Now, we hunt!

I'm sorry, Mommy needs to eat.

Hunt, hunt, hunt!

Hunt, hunt!

FOMO.

Which reminds me,

what's the fastest way
to become a millionaire?

You start as a billionaire
and buy a winery.

Just a little
wine humor for you.

Sommeliers are a dying breed...

I've eaten too
much. I feel sick.

Go on, Guillermo.

I bonked this one on
the head just for you.

They're much
easier to drain and kill

when they're not
wriggling around.

No, I-I'm actually
not that hungry.

Okay, well, FYI, if you leave
them hanging around too long

when they're unconscious,
their blood, it loses its zing.

I've never killed anyone before.

I mean, I guess
dozens of vampires.

And I did bring humans

to the vampires so
they could kill them.

And I've dismembered,

like, a ton of dead bodies.

But back at the restaurant,
that was a real living person.

And when I leaned in to take...

I could...

smell their shampoo

and all I kept thinking was

this guy was at CVS

just sniffing away
all these shampoos

and says, "I
think I'll get this one

because it reminds me of where
I used to go camping as a kid."

I can't do this, I'm
sorry. Could we...

I can't...

Just as I feared.

Guillermo is not cut
out to be a vampire.

I will fix.

You summoned me?

Yes, I wish for Guillermo...

You ran out of
wishes a long time ago.

Have you just been
carrying me around?

Maybe.

Yeah.

Okay, well...

Nice to see you
again. You can...

Can't I stretch
my legs a little?

I wish I could help you, but...

- That's very funny.
- Get in the fucking lamp.

I didn't even know there
was a special ceremony for...

Wait, what was the
ceremony called again?

The Ceremony of
Vampiric Transmogrification.

Don't be nervous,

we have all been through it.

Well, is it scary?

Nothing you cannot handle.

The ancient ceremony will
help hasten you along your path.

It is time.

Are you ready?

I am.

Hey.

Derek is here, too?

Yes. Fucking guy.

But ancient ritual dictates
that he must be present.

- Come on.
- Hey, everyone.

Hello.

- Derek.
- Hey.

Vampires all, gather we
here in the dark of night?

We do.

We have made of
ourselves a circle?

- The circle... -The circle unbroken.
- Unbroken.

We gather
here in a circle unbroken

at the crossroads
between life and death.

Guillermo de la Cruz,
are you prepared?

I am.

Guillermo de la Cruz,
are you of sound mind

and strong of body?

I am.

A choice will be made.

This choice can
only be made by you.

We vampires here
are only witnesses.

Mistress of Ceremony,
prepare the flames.

That's me.

Nicely done.

Guillermo de la Cruz, I will
now ask you one question.

The answer must
come from your heart.

For this is the last time

you get to make
this final choice.

Do I make myself clear?

Would you rather be a human...

or vampire?

A human.

As I predicted.

It's not that I don't
want to be a vampire,

- I really, really do.
- Sure.

It's all the killing.

You can spare us
the details, it's fine.

You want to be a human,
there's no shame in that.

- We're gonna make it happen.
- Wait, what?

Mistress of Ceremony,
distribute the hoods.

That's me again.

- You're doing a great job.
- Thank you, Derek.

- Can I get a smaller...
- They're unisex.

- It's a one size fits all situation? Okay.
- Yep.

Do I get a hood, or...

- Hurry it up.
- I have one for you, too.

Thank you.

We blind ourselves
that none may witness.

Hoods on, everyone.

Very nice.
Proceed to position two.

I'm sorry,
w-what's position two?

Just as you are,
Derek, that's fine.

- Wait, what?
- It is the only way, Guillermo.

- W-Won't I die, too?
- No.

You'll go back to how you
were when you were turned.

You'll just get a month
older really quickly.

There's got to be another way.

There's no other way.

It is the only way.

- I can't do this.
- Knew it.

I'm sorry, can't do
what? What am I missing?

Just keep that hood
on, Derek. You're doing great.

Thank you.

You want me to do it?

- I don't know.
- I do.

Give me that.

Guillermo, you okay?

- Whoa! Um...
- Shit.

Everything's kind of blurry.

I think I need my old glasses.

- Here.
- Thank you.

Well, that was fun.

Can we turn the regular
lights on now, please?

Sure. Can somebody
help me pick up all these

hoods and robes?

Just leave them.
Garfield will pick 'em up later.

I must say, the, the
banners are a lovely touch.

You know, I like them, too.

What do they mean?

I don't know, to
be honest, Baron.

I just wanted something
that looked cool and creepy.

Very nice, yes.

We have a sitter waiting at
home, so we're gonna head out.

- Good evening.
- Kalinychta. - Bye.

Anyone up
for a game of parcheesi?

Maybe a movie.

- I'm zonked.
- The Brothers McMullin?

That wasn't even a
real ceremony, was it?

No.

I found the robes in a
box in the attic and...

the candles I think we
got from a Home Depot?

I'm sorry, Guillermo.

It was the only way
for you to figure out

what you actually wanted.

It was a horrible
and hard decision.

I think you made
the right choice.

I know.

Now, if you wouldn't mind
clearing up Derek's corpse

before sunrise,
that would be great.

Its alright i"ll
give you a hand.

Thanks, Laszlo.

- You take the bag, I'll take Derek.
- Okay.

Come on, old chap.
You better get the door.

Mr. Necromancer?

And you have the
necessary items required

for the procedure to succeed?

He means the cash.

Yeah, it was almost
all the money I gave Derek

to turn me into a vampire.

He only spent like $270
on "vampire clothes"

that he got from Hot Topic.

You don't need to count it.
It's all there, necromancer.

I should trust you

when you when you
show me no respect for me

or my beguiling powers?

Respect? For a fraud?

But you've seen my
methods succeed.

I've seen your magic.
It has a fraudulent vibe.

Okay, okay. Boys,
why don't we focus?

He's doing his scatting shit.

Yah!

Get in, you dirty bastard!

Derek...

What's up, dude?

All right. Begone with ya.

He's all yours.

But, if you're worried
about taking care of him,

we do have a new offer.

Of course you do.

- For a nominal fee...
- Here he goes.

A rehousing option.

- Topher!
- No.

What the fuck?

Who calls... Topher?

What's this "Thriller" shit?

JK.

It's that guy.

- Topher!
- Yeah, baby. Sup, guys?

How you doing, Guillermo?

Topher, you look...

- You look like shit.
- Well, I'm au naturel, babe.

I've had some work done.

You know, I'm still undead,

but I'm making
the most of it, man.

Once you get used
to the zombie body,

you can actually learn
to talk normal again.

Like this. Pretty cool?

- He just does the accent for the tourists.
- You know.

Take 'em for an arm and a leg.

Yeah, man.

Who we got here?

- Der. Ek.
- Hey, look at that.

Yeah, he's trying.

It's gonna take him
a couple months

to learn how to use
the ol' mouth again.

But in the meantime,
the more the merrier.

Hey, Derek. How would
you like to join a gang

of crazy motherfuckers
just like yourself?

There's always
room for a new friend.

- Friend?
- Yeah. Friend!

High five!

Yeah, takes a second.

- Come on, buddy.
- Whoa!

Easy, Derek.

Hey, boys, set a place at the
table for our new friend Derek!

Hey, you like
eating human flesh?

You will.

Very... cool.

- Bye, Derek.
- Bye, Derek.

Do you take Venmo?

Venmo? I take cash,
hard cash or gold coin.

Or Zelle.

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