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1
00:00:09,954 --> 00:00:11,623
[engine shuts off]
2
00:00:13,561 --> 00:00:16,399
Hey, dude, I don't remember
the password. Let me in.
3
00:00:16,432 --> 00:00:17,669
I think someone's following me.
4
00:00:17,702 --> 00:00:19,439
Who?
5
00:00:19,472 --> 00:00:21,176
Get in here.
It's the doc crew.
6
00:00:21,209 --> 00:00:22,512
[sighs]
7
00:00:23,480 --> 00:00:24,617
You, too. Come on.
8
00:00:24,650 --> 00:00:26,186
When I ran away from Nandor,
9
00:00:26,219 --> 00:00:27,421
I didn't really know
where to go.
10
00:00:27,454 --> 00:00:30,294
[Nandor]
Guillermo!
11
00:00:30,327 --> 00:00:33,801
[Guillermo]
So I just flew
for hours and hours.
12
00:00:33,834 --> 00:00:35,404
Which was a little cool because
13
00:00:35,437 --> 00:00:37,208
that was the longest
I've ever stayed a bat.
14
00:00:37,241 --> 00:00:38,511
But also not cool
15
00:00:38,544 --> 00:00:40,214
because I knew Nandor was trying
16
00:00:40,247 --> 00:00:41,651
to track me down to kill me.
17
00:00:41,684 --> 00:00:43,788
Eventually, I just went
to Derek because...
18
00:00:43,821 --> 00:00:45,124
I had no one else to turn to.
19
00:00:45,157 --> 00:00:47,261
I've just been laying low,
20
00:00:47,294 --> 00:00:49,398
hiding for who knows how long.
21
00:00:50,768 --> 00:00:53,407
I wish they had Bravo here.
22
00:00:53,440 --> 00:00:55,545
["You're Dead"
by Norma Tanega playing]
23
00:00:55,578 --> 00:00:58,150
♪ Don't sing if you want
to live long ♪
24
00:00:58,183 --> 00:01:00,555
♪ They have no use
for your song ♪
25
00:01:00,588 --> 00:01:03,293
♪ You're dead, you're dead,
you're dead ♪
26
00:01:03,326 --> 00:01:06,232
♪ You're dead
and out of this world ♪
27
00:01:07,635 --> 00:01:10,675
♪ Now your hope and compassion
is gone ♪
28
00:01:10,708 --> 00:01:13,480
♪ You sold out your dream
to the world ♪
29
00:01:13,514 --> 00:01:15,752
♪ Stay dead, stay dead,
stay dead ♪
30
00:01:15,785 --> 00:01:17,856
♪ You're dead
and out of this world. ♪
31
00:01:17,889 --> 00:01:20,360
♪ ♪
32
00:01:27,942 --> 00:01:29,713
[door closes]
33
00:01:29,746 --> 00:01:31,282
I think there was a van
tailing me, they may have been
34
00:01:31,315 --> 00:01:32,284
-tailing you, too.
-Derek, that was them.
35
00:01:32,317 --> 00:01:33,921
Whoa.
36
00:01:33,954 --> 00:01:35,725
-You guys are good. Respect.
-Derek, just promise me
37
00:01:35,758 --> 00:01:37,562
you haven't told anyone else
that I'm here.
38
00:01:37,595 --> 00:01:39,499
Guillermo, who would I tell?
Literally. My neighbor Chad?
39
00:01:39,533 --> 00:01:41,469
Because... yes, actually,
I did tell Chad.
40
00:01:41,503 --> 00:01:42,839
This is serious, okay?
41
00:01:42,872 --> 00:01:44,308
My master is actively
trying to kill me.
42
00:01:44,341 --> 00:01:45,712
Did you bring my meat?
43
00:01:45,745 --> 00:01:47,649
Yes, burgers, extra rare,
just like you asked.
44
00:01:47,682 --> 00:01:49,820
I tried hypnosis on the cashier
so I could get them for free.
45
00:01:49,853 --> 00:01:51,524
Turns out, I'm bad at it.
46
00:01:51,557 --> 00:01:52,826
So, um,
I don't know if you use Venmo
47
00:01:52,859 --> 00:01:53,928
or maybe you're a Zelle guy...
48
00:01:53,961 --> 00:01:56,399
[retches]
These are not raw.
49
00:01:56,432 --> 00:01:58,303
I can taste that they've
kissed the grill, Derek.
50
00:01:58,336 --> 00:01:59,839
-[stammering]
-[knocking]
51
00:02:06,954 --> 00:02:08,691
-Sup, bitch?
-What the hell
are you doing here?
52
00:02:08,724 --> 00:02:10,227
Did anyone see you? Get inside.
53
00:02:10,260 --> 00:02:11,396
No, and it wouldn't
matter if they did
54
00:02:11,429 --> 00:02:13,935
because, hello,
I'm in disguise.
55
00:02:13,968 --> 00:02:15,170
Stop dancing, get inside.
56
00:02:15,203 --> 00:02:16,607
How did you find me?
57
00:02:16,640 --> 00:02:18,343
Your friend Derek told me
where you were hiding.
58
00:02:18,376 --> 00:02:19,613
[old-timey detective voice]
I paid him a little visit
59
00:02:19,646 --> 00:02:21,483
earlier today, see?
60
00:02:21,517 --> 00:02:22,719
So, that was you.
61
00:02:22,752 --> 00:02:24,288
-[laughs]
-Who did you think it was?
62
00:02:24,321 --> 00:02:26,359
She told me her name
was Detective Policeman.
63
00:02:26,392 --> 00:02:28,330
-[Nadja] That's funny.
-I'm gonna need you
to do me a favor, buddy.
64
00:02:28,363 --> 00:02:32,672
Can you go to the market and
get me some raw, raw meat
65
00:02:32,705 --> 00:02:34,610
and make sure you don't
tell anyone where I'm at.
66
00:02:34,643 --> 00:02:35,845
-Can you do that?
-Can do, can do.
67
00:02:35,878 --> 00:02:37,549
-Thank you, buddy.
-Okay, great.
68
00:02:37,582 --> 00:02:38,785
-Okay. Thanks so much.
-See you guys in a minute.
69
00:02:38,818 --> 00:02:40,522
Idiot.
70
00:02:40,555 --> 00:02:42,893
Guillermo. Sit.
71
00:02:42,926 --> 00:02:46,466
You simply cannot talk
to the vampire who turned you
72
00:02:46,499 --> 00:02:48,303
with such disrespect.
73
00:02:48,336 --> 00:02:50,340
That is a sacred relationship.
74
00:02:50,373 --> 00:02:51,844
You have to protect him.
75
00:02:51,877 --> 00:02:53,815
Like we protect the Baron
and the Sire.
76
00:02:53,848 --> 00:02:56,453
If anything was to happen
to that stupid man,
77
00:02:56,486 --> 00:02:58,958
the effects for you, my friend,
would be catastrophic.
78
00:02:58,991 --> 00:03:00,762
-Yes.
-[blows raspberry]
79
00:03:00,795 --> 00:03:02,599
I'm sorry, I shouldn't have
spoken to Derek like that.
80
00:03:02,632 --> 00:03:04,736
I'm just a little bit on edge
with the whole, you know--
81
00:03:04,769 --> 00:03:06,306
Nandor trying to kill you thing.
82
00:03:06,339 --> 00:03:08,511
-Awkward. [laughs]
-Which, by the way, um...
83
00:03:08,544 --> 00:03:09,713
Any progress on that end?
84
00:03:09,746 --> 00:03:11,817
Uh, yeah, um, a little.
85
00:03:11,850 --> 00:03:12,819
-You talked to him?
-Yeah.
86
00:03:12,852 --> 00:03:14,255
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
87
00:03:14,288 --> 00:03:15,390
What'd he say?
88
00:03:15,423 --> 00:03:17,495
-[screaming]
-Nandor, come on.
89
00:03:17,529 --> 00:03:18,831
I'm gonna murder him!
90
00:03:19,866 --> 00:03:21,504
Maybe if I write him a letter...
91
00:03:21,537 --> 00:03:24,242
Yeah, like if you wrote him
a suicide note,
92
00:03:24,275 --> 00:03:25,879
and actually followed through
on it,
93
00:03:25,912 --> 00:03:28,751
then that would
probably cool him down.
94
00:03:28,784 --> 00:03:31,824
-[faint moaning]
-[springs creaking]
95
00:03:31,857 --> 00:03:34,596
Wow. They're really
going at it, aren't they?
96
00:03:34,629 --> 00:03:35,732
[exhales]
97
00:03:35,765 --> 00:03:37,936
[sighs] Why did I do this?
98
00:03:37,969 --> 00:03:39,807
Look, relationships evolve.
99
00:03:39,840 --> 00:03:41,744
Like me and those Antipaxon
people who work at the diner.
100
00:03:41,777 --> 00:03:45,518
At first, I was just using them
to get rid of my hex.
101
00:03:45,551 --> 00:03:47,454
But then it turned out...
102
00:03:47,487 --> 00:03:49,560
I really like hanging out
with those guys.
103
00:03:49,593 --> 00:03:51,296
-[loud moaning]
-I know you didn't mean...
104
00:03:51,329 --> 00:03:52,699
[clears throat]
I know you didn't mean
105
00:03:52,732 --> 00:03:54,068
for things to turn out this way,
106
00:03:54,101 --> 00:03:56,005
-[loud moaning]
-but I think it's time
107
00:03:56,038 --> 00:03:57,441
you need to accept--
You know what?
108
00:03:57,474 --> 00:03:59,278
Hang on,
I cannot take this anymore!
109
00:03:59,311 --> 00:04:00,748
[man]
Yeah!
110
00:04:00,781 --> 00:04:02,418
-[springs creaking wildly]
-[door crashes open]
111
00:04:02,451 --> 00:04:04,489
-It's hard, you know.
-[woman moaning loudly]
112
00:04:04,523 --> 00:04:05,925
-[indistinct conversation]
-To know that
you've done something,
113
00:04:05,958 --> 00:04:08,664
that you messed up
but you can't...
114
00:04:08,697 --> 00:04:10,802
-[moaning resumes]
-...fix it and...
115
00:04:10,835 --> 00:04:13,039
-[Nadja moaning]
-And she's joined them.
116
00:04:13,072 --> 00:04:14,510
-[moaning]
-[thudding]
117
00:04:14,543 --> 00:04:18,316
[Nandor]
Night after night, I hunt.
118
00:04:18,349 --> 00:04:22,692
I cannot rest until Guillermo
has taken his last breath
119
00:04:22,725 --> 00:04:25,632
and I feel his bones
crunch under my boots.
120
00:04:25,665 --> 00:04:27,736
So I've been watching
the one place
121
00:04:27,769 --> 00:04:30,909
I know he will
return to eventually...
122
00:04:30,942 --> 00:04:32,979
Panera Bread.
123
00:04:33,012 --> 00:04:34,983
I've got you now.
124
00:04:35,016 --> 00:04:36,720
He can run,
125
00:04:36,753 --> 00:04:38,524
but he cannot run far.
126
00:04:38,557 --> 00:04:40,661
Because he has very short legs.
127
00:04:43,099 --> 00:04:45,838
-[gasps]
-Guillermo, now you will die.
128
00:04:45,871 --> 00:04:48,043
-I-I didn't do anything.
-[roaring]
129
00:04:48,076 --> 00:04:51,784
Those that betray me will pay
the ultimate price, Guillermo.
130
00:04:51,817 --> 00:04:53,119
And this disguise
131
00:04:53,152 --> 00:04:54,823
that has slightly altered
your appearance
132
00:04:54,856 --> 00:04:56,125
does not fool me.
133
00:04:56,158 --> 00:04:57,862
I'm not Guillermo!
I'm not Guillermo!
134
00:04:57,895 --> 00:05:00,067
I'm Patton Oswalt. I'm an actor.
135
00:05:00,100 --> 00:05:02,037
-Patton Oswalt?
-Yeah.
136
00:05:02,070 --> 00:05:03,507
-An actor?
-Yes!
137
00:05:03,540 --> 00:05:04,877
What would I know you from?
138
00:05:04,910 --> 00:05:06,680
-I was in Ratatouille.
-Is that a movie?
139
00:05:06,713 --> 00:05:08,584
It's... It was animated.
140
00:05:08,617 --> 00:05:09,786
I was the voice of a rat.
141
00:05:09,819 --> 00:05:12,091
-I prefer live action.
-Uh...
142
00:05:12,124 --> 00:05:13,694
Do you know John Slattery?
143
00:05:13,727 --> 00:05:15,531
I don't know him personally,
I know of him.
144
00:05:15,564 --> 00:05:17,535
-He seems really cool.
-He is.
145
00:05:17,568 --> 00:05:20,040
Yes, I-I'm gonna pass out...
146
00:05:20,073 --> 00:05:21,543
[groans]
147
00:05:21,576 --> 00:05:23,648
[coughing, gasping]
148
00:05:23,681 --> 00:05:24,917
Oh...
149
00:05:24,950 --> 00:05:27,154
My apologies, Patton Oswalt.
150
00:05:27,187 --> 00:05:29,458
You are respectful,
unlike Guillermo.
151
00:05:29,491 --> 00:05:30,962
I have been lying
in wait for him
152
00:05:30,995 --> 00:05:32,899
on the top of
that building there.
153
00:05:32,932 --> 00:05:34,035
It's only a matter of time
154
00:05:34,068 --> 00:05:36,072
before he returns
to Panera Bread,
155
00:05:36,105 --> 00:05:38,410
like a gazelle
to his watering hole.
156
00:05:38,443 --> 00:05:41,850
And when he does, I will strike.
157
00:05:41,883 --> 00:05:43,921
Are you sure it's
that Panera Bread?
158
00:05:43,954 --> 00:05:45,592
-What do you mean?
-There's a lot of Panera Breads.
159
00:05:45,625 --> 00:05:47,562
They're... They're all
over the city.
160
00:05:47,595 --> 00:05:48,630
Shit.
161
00:05:52,939 --> 00:05:54,576
-[knocking]
-Who is it?
-[Colin] Gigi?
162
00:05:54,609 --> 00:05:56,580
-Hello.
-What are you doing here?
163
00:05:56,613 --> 00:05:58,149
-How did you find me?
-Oh, I just...
164
00:05:58,182 --> 00:06:01,624
took a map of Staten Island
and laid it over a grid
165
00:06:01,657 --> 00:06:03,159
and looked for any motel
that shared a square
166
00:06:03,192 --> 00:06:05,865
with an Arby's, a party store
or a sweater shop.
167
00:06:05,898 --> 00:06:07,736
Well, I'm not near
any of those things.
168
00:06:07,769 --> 00:06:09,773
Yeah, I know,
so I just asked Nadja.
169
00:06:09,806 --> 00:06:11,977
Great. What do you want?
170
00:06:12,010 --> 00:06:14,148
First off, I just want
to wish you good luck.
171
00:06:14,181 --> 00:06:17,154
You're a nice enough guy
caught in a bad sitch.
172
00:06:17,187 --> 00:06:20,127
I-I don't think any of us were
hoping for this outcome for you.
173
00:06:20,160 --> 00:06:21,864
-[briefcase unlocks]
-Thank you.
174
00:06:21,897 --> 00:06:26,005
Secondly, I am here to conduct
your exit interview,
175
00:06:26,038 --> 00:06:28,143
from your job as a familiar.
176
00:06:28,176 --> 00:06:30,748
And also your life, so...
177
00:06:30,781 --> 00:06:34,155
Have a seat. I don't want to
take up too much of your time,
178
00:06:34,188 --> 00:06:36,894
I know it's valuable. [chuckles]
179
00:06:36,927 --> 00:06:39,498
Because
there's so little of it left.
180
00:06:39,532 --> 00:06:40,702
-Okay.
-[clicks]
181
00:06:40,735 --> 00:06:44,208
Familiar exit interview,
10:47 p.m.,
182
00:06:44,241 --> 00:06:47,014
Colin Robinson
conducting interview.
183
00:06:47,047 --> 00:06:48,551
Um, Mr. de la "Cruzz,"
184
00:06:48,584 --> 00:06:51,890
what's prompting you
to leave your job?
185
00:06:51,923 --> 00:06:53,561
Nandor trying to kill me.
186
00:06:53,594 --> 00:06:56,800
And... what was your salary
as a familiar?
187
00:06:56,833 --> 00:06:58,537
Oh, I don't get paid.
188
00:06:58,570 --> 00:07:01,643
[chuckles] No, but honestly,
for this to work,
189
00:07:01,676 --> 00:07:03,681
I kind of need
a ballpark figure.
190
00:07:03,714 --> 00:07:05,183
$500, $550 a week?
191
00:07:05,216 --> 00:07:06,787
-I don't get paid.
-Uh-huh.
192
00:07:06,820 --> 00:07:08,557
And do you think
we can get away with
193
00:07:08,590 --> 00:07:10,528
not paying the next person?
194
00:07:10,561 --> 00:07:12,799
Okay. This interview's over.
195
00:07:12,832 --> 00:07:15,972
Interview concluded by subject
196
00:07:16,005 --> 00:07:19,713
who was cooperative
and at times almost articulate.
197
00:07:19,746 --> 00:07:21,049
-[recorder clicks]
-Okay, thank you.
198
00:07:21,082 --> 00:07:23,086
This is just from me.
199
00:07:23,119 --> 00:07:25,525
It was nice having you
in the house.
200
00:07:25,558 --> 00:07:26,960
Thanks, Colin.
201
00:07:26,993 --> 00:07:30,601
"Jay Sturkel, Quarter Four
Sales Leader, 1977."
202
00:07:30,634 --> 00:07:34,509
I got it at estate sale,
but y-you get the drift.
203
00:07:35,845 --> 00:07:37,915
-Congratulations.
-Thank you.
204
00:07:39,017 --> 00:07:42,726
I think what bugs me the most
205
00:07:42,759 --> 00:07:44,896
is that I have given
Guillermo my friendship.
206
00:07:44,929 --> 00:07:47,836
This is a gift
I do not give to just anyone.
207
00:07:47,869 --> 00:07:51,543
Uh, you know, friendship
has to be... earned.
208
00:07:51,576 --> 00:07:53,113
How is your, um...
209
00:07:53,146 --> 00:07:54,616
-Turkey Bacon Bravo.
-Yes.
210
00:07:54,649 --> 00:07:56,018
It is, it's good.
211
00:07:56,051 --> 00:07:57,221
And I usually get
the bread bowls here--
212
00:07:57,254 --> 00:07:58,958
I think what it is
213
00:07:58,991 --> 00:08:02,063
is that I thought Guillermo
had earned it.
214
00:08:03,801 --> 00:08:06,707
You are a good listener,
Patton Oswalt.
215
00:08:06,740 --> 00:08:08,309
You know, it's funny
because something like this
216
00:08:08,342 --> 00:08:10,848
happened with me a couple years
ago with my manager, we--
217
00:08:10,881 --> 00:08:12,986
-Shh. Just listen.
-Oh... [grunts]
218
00:08:13,019 --> 00:08:15,290
We are not talking
about you right now,
219
00:08:15,323 --> 00:08:17,027
are we, Patton Oswalt?
220
00:08:17,060 --> 00:08:18,864
-No, we're not.
-Mm.
221
00:08:18,897 --> 00:08:21,035
-So, go on.
-Thank you.
222
00:08:22,605 --> 00:08:25,711
[knocking]
223
00:08:27,782 --> 00:08:29,586
Who is it?
224
00:08:29,619 --> 00:08:31,255
[Laszlo]
Housekeeping.
225
00:08:31,288 --> 00:08:33,259
-I should ask how you
found out where--
-Shh, shh.
226
00:08:33,292 --> 00:08:34,294
What?
227
00:08:35,798 --> 00:08:38,002
I'm guessing you're content
with your...
228
00:08:38,035 --> 00:08:39,773
toilet paper situation?
229
00:08:39,806 --> 00:08:41,209
Yes, thank you.
230
00:08:41,242 --> 00:08:43,012
All right.
231
00:08:43,045 --> 00:08:44,749
Then I will...
232
00:08:44,782 --> 00:08:47,354
leave you to watch
the television for the evening.
233
00:08:47,387 --> 00:08:50,160
And I will say... goodbye.
234
00:08:50,193 --> 00:08:51,897
-[quietly] Sit down.
-What's going on?
235
00:08:51,930 --> 00:08:54,870
I must apologize, Gizmo,
I feel like I've let you down.
236
00:08:54,903 --> 00:08:56,205
All those science experiments,
237
00:08:56,238 --> 00:08:57,876
they were nothing
but a blind alley.
238
00:08:57,909 --> 00:08:59,679
Laszlo, you tried your best.
239
00:08:59,712 --> 00:09:01,282
No, there's been something I...
240
00:09:01,315 --> 00:09:02,886
You-you should probably
put something on
241
00:09:02,919 --> 00:09:04,288
that's a bit louder than this.
242
00:09:04,321 --> 00:09:06,292
Otherwise, it won't
drown our voices out.
243
00:09:06,325 --> 00:09:08,029
-[airplanes whirring]
-That's better.
244
00:09:08,062 --> 00:09:11,169
I've known you since
you were a young familiar.
245
00:09:11,202 --> 00:09:13,039
And I may have been hard
on you in the past,
246
00:09:13,072 --> 00:09:15,177
-and, uh...
-[gunfire on TV]
247
00:09:15,210 --> 00:09:16,780
Could you put something that...
248
00:09:16,813 --> 00:09:18,784
is as loud but less percussive?
249
00:09:18,817 --> 00:09:20,253
-[engines roaring]
-Sport, yes, that's better.
250
00:09:20,286 --> 00:09:22,224
And I say,
does that thing have any...
251
00:09:22,257 --> 00:09:24,629
programs of the adult variety?
252
00:09:25,698 --> 00:09:27,201
Uh, I suppose, yeah.
253
00:09:27,234 --> 00:09:29,706
-[giggling]
-[Laszlo gasps]
-There you go.
254
00:09:29,739 --> 00:09:31,944
[clears throat] You were saying?
255
00:09:31,977 --> 00:09:33,046
Sorry?
256
00:09:33,079 --> 00:09:34,315
-You were saying?
-Yes.
257
00:09:34,348 --> 00:09:35,918
I was saying...
258
00:09:35,951 --> 00:09:38,657
I've known you since you were...
259
00:09:38,690 --> 00:09:40,327
-a young fa...
-[moaning on TV]
260
00:09:40,360 --> 00:09:42,064
What do you think
they're gonna do?
261
00:09:42,097 --> 00:09:43,667
-Yeah, Laszlo--
-Yes, yes,
262
00:09:43,700 --> 00:09:46,272
s-sorry, since you
were a young familiar.
263
00:09:46,305 --> 00:09:48,978
And, uh, I'm about
to tell you something now
264
00:09:49,011 --> 00:09:50,748
that I've never told
anyone else before.
265
00:09:50,781 --> 00:09:52,685
[moaning on TV]
266
00:09:52,718 --> 00:09:54,723
-L-Laszlo?
-Good grief.
267
00:09:54,756 --> 00:09:56,292
You were going
to tell me something
268
00:09:56,325 --> 00:09:58,363
-you never told
anyone before...?
-Shh. [laughs]
269
00:09:58,396 --> 00:10:00,000
You might have
to give me a minute.
270
00:10:00,033 --> 00:10:01,803
[Guillermo]
So, yeah, even Laszlo came by.
271
00:10:01,836 --> 00:10:03,339
If I would've known how...
272
00:10:03,372 --> 00:10:05,010
my last couple of days
would play out,
273
00:10:05,043 --> 00:10:06,713
how the last couple of months...
274
00:10:06,746 --> 00:10:08,216
I would've never asked
Derek to turn me.
275
00:10:08,249 --> 00:10:10,120
It's not that
I don't want to die,
276
00:10:10,153 --> 00:10:11,990
and trust me, I really,
really don't want to die,
277
00:10:12,023 --> 00:10:15,698
but I'm just more afraid
of losing the vampires.
278
00:10:15,731 --> 00:10:17,100
My friends.
279
00:10:17,133 --> 00:10:18,871
I always figured if I got
turned into a vampire
280
00:10:18,904 --> 00:10:21,442
that it would...
bring me closer to them.
281
00:10:21,475 --> 00:10:24,414
But it's just left me
feeling more alone than ever.
282
00:10:25,183 --> 00:10:27,989
Nandor, can I ask you
a question?
283
00:10:28,022 --> 00:10:29,759
Yes, Patton Oswalt.
284
00:10:29,792 --> 00:10:33,166
Your friendship with Guillermo
is very special, right?
285
00:10:33,199 --> 00:10:35,370
I thought it was.
286
00:10:35,403 --> 00:10:38,109
And I bet...
287
00:10:38,142 --> 00:10:40,748
killing a friend...
288
00:10:40,781 --> 00:10:42,184
would really hurt.
289
00:10:42,217 --> 00:10:44,388
I imagine it would be
one of the worst feelings
290
00:10:44,421 --> 00:10:46,158
a person could have.
291
00:10:46,191 --> 00:10:48,396
So, what if you...
292
00:10:48,429 --> 00:10:50,400
repair the friendship?
293
00:10:50,433 --> 00:10:52,137
-You repair it--
-So you're saying
294
00:10:52,170 --> 00:10:55,143
that I should not kill
my former friend?
295
00:10:55,176 --> 00:10:57,414
-Uh, yes, you-you--
-This is your suggestion?
296
00:10:57,447 --> 00:10:59,084
Well, you know, you rebuild--
297
00:10:59,117 --> 00:11:01,757
After hearing my tale
of deceit and betrayal?
298
00:11:01,790 --> 00:11:05,230
All that betray me
must be destroyed.
299
00:11:05,263 --> 00:11:07,234
-Wait, wait--
-Goodbye, Patton Oswalt.
300
00:11:07,267 --> 00:11:09,271
[screaming]
301
00:11:09,304 --> 00:11:10,775
[body thudding, crashing]
302
00:11:10,808 --> 00:11:12,044
-[loud thud]
-[sighs]
303
00:11:12,077 --> 00:11:14,247
He does make
a good point, though.
304
00:11:18,824 --> 00:11:20,894
-[on video] ...arm,
and a block of--
-[knocking loudly]
305
00:11:21,963 --> 00:11:23,366
Of course.
306
00:11:23,399 --> 00:11:27,775
Hi. I just came by
to pay you my condolences.
307
00:11:27,808 --> 00:11:31,182
"Sorry for your loss
of your life."
308
00:11:31,215 --> 00:11:33,754
Is there anyone who doesn't
know that I'm here?
309
00:11:33,787 --> 00:11:36,158
Well, I'm usually the last one
to know, so probably not.
310
00:11:36,191 --> 00:11:37,461
-Thank you.
-Yeah.
311
00:11:37,494 --> 00:11:39,131
And then I also brought
some friends
312
00:11:39,164 --> 00:11:40,768
who wanted to say goodbye.
313
00:11:40,801 --> 00:11:42,337
Hiya, Daddy.
314
00:11:42,370 --> 00:11:44,375
-Hey.
-Guide lady said
you're going off
315
00:11:44,408 --> 00:11:45,443
-to a big, beautiful...
-Hey, big guy.
316
00:11:45,476 --> 00:11:47,447
...farm in the sky.
317
00:11:47,480 --> 00:11:49,285
-Can we come?
-[Guillermo] Oh...
318
00:11:49,318 --> 00:11:50,888
-No, buddy.
-Aw.
319
00:11:50,921 --> 00:11:55,063
-There's no room at the farm.
-[sniffling]
320
00:11:55,096 --> 00:11:56,867
"In the death of a good man,
321
00:11:56,900 --> 00:11:59,004
eternity is seen looking
through time."
322
00:11:59,037 --> 00:12:00,841
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe.
323
00:12:00,874 --> 00:12:03,212
-[sobbing]
-Okay.
324
00:12:03,245 --> 00:12:04,949
-So-- Oh.
-[phone buzzing]
325
00:12:04,982 --> 00:12:06,052
Sorry.
326
00:12:06,085 --> 00:12:07,889
Hola, Ma.
327
00:12:07,922 --> 00:12:09,859
[Nandor]
Hello, Guillermo.
328
00:12:09,892 --> 00:12:11,897
I've been looking for you.
329
00:12:11,930 --> 00:12:13,567
Where are you?
330
00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:16,873
Oh, I'm right here having a nice
conversation with your mother.
331
00:12:16,906 --> 00:12:19,445
In her apartment.
Where she lives.
332
00:12:19,478 --> 00:12:21,015
My mother has nothing
to do with this.
333
00:12:21,048 --> 00:12:22,518
If you touch her, I swear...
334
00:12:24,087 --> 00:12:25,858
[Silvia speaking Spanish]
335
00:12:25,891 --> 00:12:27,562
Well, you know where I am.
Why don't you come over here
336
00:12:27,595 --> 00:12:29,365
and we can discuss
what happens next.
337
00:12:29,398 --> 00:12:30,500
[phone beeps]
338
00:12:30,534 --> 00:12:32,404
-I have to go.
-Bye, Daddy.
339
00:12:32,437 --> 00:12:34,041
Have you checked out already?
Or is it okay if we hang here?
340
00:12:34,074 --> 00:12:35,811
[Dog Guillermo]
He's not coming back.
341
00:12:37,548 --> 00:12:39,217
-Ah, come on, you stupid...
-[dings]
342
00:12:42,390 --> 00:12:44,529
-Get away from her.
-Guillermo.
343
00:12:44,562 --> 00:12:47,033
[speaking Spanish]
344
00:12:48,603 --> 00:12:49,839
I'll be back, okay?
345
00:12:49,872 --> 00:12:50,908
¿Cómo está, mijo?
346
00:12:50,941 --> 00:12:52,879
-Hey, Mami.
-Mwah.
347
00:12:52,912 --> 00:12:54,582
Don't be long, Sylvia.
348
00:12:54,615 --> 00:12:56,419
Still want to see
the photographs of Guillermo
349
00:12:56,452 --> 00:12:58,423
in this gotico phase.
350
00:12:58,456 --> 00:12:59,859
You can kill me if you want,
351
00:12:59,892 --> 00:13:00,995
but you leave her
out of this, okay?
352
00:13:01,028 --> 00:13:02,431
Oh, I know I could kill you.
353
00:13:02,464 --> 00:13:04,334
And you'd deserve it.
354
00:13:04,367 --> 00:13:07,407
[Guillermo panting]
355
00:13:09,545 --> 00:13:12,484
But I have decided not to.
356
00:13:12,518 --> 00:13:14,021
Yeah, well, I don't believe you.
357
00:13:14,054 --> 00:13:16,358
No, of course you don't.
358
00:13:16,391 --> 00:13:19,398
But something happened
recently and...
359
00:13:19,431 --> 00:13:21,202
it's made me change my mind.
360
00:13:21,235 --> 00:13:24,509
-Oh, yeah? What?
-My friend Patton Oswalt.
361
00:13:24,542 --> 00:13:27,515
He passed away quite suddenly.
And, um...
362
00:13:27,548 --> 00:13:31,021
it didn't feel good
losing a friend.
363
00:13:31,054 --> 00:13:33,059
How do I know
you're telling the truth?
364
00:13:33,092 --> 00:13:34,863
Because I give you
my word as a vampire.
365
00:13:34,896 --> 00:13:38,637
-[scoffs] Not good enough.
-Then I give you my word...
366
00:13:38,670 --> 00:13:40,206
as a warrior.
367
00:13:40,239 --> 00:13:42,578
-[hisses]
-[grunts]
368
00:13:43,947 --> 00:13:45,984
[speaking Persian]
369
00:13:46,986 --> 00:13:49,324
Translation:
370
00:13:49,357 --> 00:13:51,161
"If I'm lying...
371
00:13:52,698 --> 00:13:54,502
...then kill me now."
372
00:14:04,354 --> 00:14:05,490
Then it is settled.
373
00:14:05,524 --> 00:14:07,494
You'll come home with me, alive.
374
00:14:07,528 --> 00:14:08,630
Mami, no!
375
00:14:08,663 --> 00:14:11,302
[speaks Spanish]
376
00:14:11,335 --> 00:14:12,471
Wow, that worked.
377
00:14:12,505 --> 00:14:14,108
-Mm?
-Hmm?
378
00:14:14,141 --> 00:14:15,644
[owl hoots]
379
00:14:15,677 --> 00:14:17,147
We return with news.
380
00:14:17,180 --> 00:14:19,686
I no longer plan
to kill Guillermo.
381
00:14:19,719 --> 00:14:21,222
-Yay.
-[Nadja] Yay.
382
00:14:21,255 --> 00:14:22,592
He will live here
in this house, with us,
383
00:14:22,625 --> 00:14:24,394
-as an equal.
-[Laszlo laughs]
384
00:14:24,427 --> 00:14:26,098
As a vampire.
385
00:14:26,131 --> 00:14:29,138
-Boo.
-Where once we were four,
we are now five.
386
00:14:29,171 --> 00:14:30,541
I think your math is off.
387
00:14:30,574 --> 00:14:32,578
If I had known Gizmo was
going to stay with us,
388
00:14:32,611 --> 00:14:34,949
I would've said just kill him
and be done with it.
389
00:14:34,982 --> 00:14:36,586
[Colin]
Where is he going to sit?
390
00:14:36,619 --> 00:14:38,422
I-I'm not giving up my seat.
So where is he going to sit?
391
00:14:38,455 --> 00:14:42,030
Hold on a second. Gizmo cannot
fully become a vampire
392
00:14:42,063 --> 00:14:43,667
due to his Van Helsing blood.
393
00:14:43,700 --> 00:14:45,270
[Nandor]
Laszlo, Laszlo,
394
00:14:45,303 --> 00:14:47,407
with all your experiments
and your notetaking,
395
00:14:47,440 --> 00:14:49,679
and your weird-ass,
hybrid freaks,
396
00:14:49,712 --> 00:14:52,217
you never thought of
the simplest solution.
397
00:14:52,250 --> 00:14:55,724
-Which is?
-You never got Guillermo
to drink human blood.
398
00:14:55,757 --> 00:15:00,132
-Wait. Y-You never
thought of that?
-Shut up.
399
00:15:01,503 --> 00:15:03,640
-I don't think I can do this.
-You must.
400
00:15:03,673 --> 00:15:05,243
Or else you'll be
eternally frozen
401
00:15:05,276 --> 00:15:07,581
in this painful, unending limbo.
Now drink.
402
00:15:09,017 --> 00:15:10,453
Come on, Guillermo.
403
00:15:10,486 --> 00:15:12,224
-Drink, bitch.
-[Colin] Yeah, drink it, bitch.
404
00:15:12,257 --> 00:15:14,194
-[Laszlo] Yes.
-Drink it.
-[Nadja] Swallow it all.
405
00:15:14,227 --> 00:15:15,664
-Drink. Drink.
-[Nadja] Suck on it, baby.
Come on, drink!
406
00:15:15,697 --> 00:15:17,568
-Swallow it.
-Drink. Drink.
-Oi, drink.
407
00:15:17,601 --> 00:15:18,636
-Drink. Drink.
-[Nadja] Drink it.
Take it like a man.
408
00:15:20,373 --> 00:15:21,576
[gasps]
409
00:15:21,609 --> 00:15:23,246
[Laszlo]
Fangs.
410
00:15:23,279 --> 00:15:25,718
-[laughs]
-Wow
-Ah.
411
00:15:25,751 --> 00:15:27,354
I've never felt more alive.
412
00:15:27,387 --> 00:15:29,258
I really should've
thought of that.
413
00:15:29,291 --> 00:15:30,393
I'm a vampire. [laughs]
414
00:15:30,426 --> 00:15:31,696
I'm a vampire!
415
00:15:31,729 --> 00:15:35,170
-I'm a vampire!
-[Laszlo] Yahoo.
416
00:15:35,203 --> 00:15:36,238
Yep.
417
00:15:36,271 --> 00:15:37,742
-Nicely done.
-[laughs]
418
00:15:37,775 --> 00:15:41,081
[whooshing]
419
00:15:41,114 --> 00:15:44,154
-One sip of blood and he's
like Cornholio over here.
-[Laszlo laughs]
420
00:15:44,187 --> 00:15:45,356
Yes.
421
00:15:45,389 --> 00:15:46,526
-[Laszlo] He likes that.
422
00:15:46,559 --> 00:15:48,229
-[glass shatters]
-[Nadja] Ooh.
423
00:15:48,262 --> 00:15:51,202
Behold what I've become.
424
00:15:51,235 --> 00:15:53,306
Yes, yes, we've all been there.
425
00:15:53,339 --> 00:15:55,076
Why are we all
sitting on our asses?
426
00:15:55,109 --> 00:15:56,746
Let's do something!
What do we do next?
427
00:15:56,779 --> 00:15:57,782
Get a broom.
428
00:15:57,815 --> 00:15:59,752
Now, we hunt!
429
00:15:59,785 --> 00:16:02,558
-[cheering]
-[Nadja] I'm sorry,
Mommy needs to eat.
430
00:16:02,591 --> 00:16:04,294
-[Nandor] Hunt, hunt, hunt!
-[sighs]
431
00:16:04,327 --> 00:16:05,496
Hunt, hunt!
432
00:16:05,530 --> 00:16:07,266
FOMO.
433
00:16:10,439 --> 00:16:12,410
[Colin speaking quietly]
434
00:16:12,443 --> 00:16:14,014
Which reminds me,
435
00:16:14,047 --> 00:16:16,653
what's the fastest way
to become a millionaire?
436
00:16:16,686 --> 00:16:20,460
You start as a billionaire
and buy a winery.
437
00:16:20,493 --> 00:16:23,099
[chuckles] Just a little
wine humor for you.
438
00:16:23,132 --> 00:16:24,434
Oh. [belches]
439
00:16:24,467 --> 00:16:25,671
[Colin] Sommeliers are
a dying breed...
440
00:16:25,704 --> 00:16:28,309
Oh. I've eaten too much.
I feel sick.
441
00:16:28,342 --> 00:16:29,746
Go on, Guillermo.
442
00:16:29,779 --> 00:16:32,785
I bonked this one on the head
just for you.
443
00:16:32,818 --> 00:16:34,454
They're much easier
to drain and kill
444
00:16:34,487 --> 00:16:36,225
when they're not
wriggling around.
445
00:16:36,258 --> 00:16:38,296
Oh, no, I-I'm actually
not that hungry.
446
00:16:38,329 --> 00:16:41,068
Okay, well, FYI, if you leave
them hanging around too long
447
00:16:41,101 --> 00:16:44,742
when they're unconscious,
their blood, it loses its zing.
448
00:16:44,775 --> 00:16:47,047
[growling, slurping]
449
00:16:47,080 --> 00:16:49,351
[Guillermo]
I've never killed anyone before.
450
00:16:49,384 --> 00:16:52,157
I mean, I guess dozens
of vampires.
451
00:16:52,190 --> 00:16:53,760
And I did bring humans
452
00:16:53,793 --> 00:16:55,598
to the vampires
so they could kill them.
453
00:16:55,631 --> 00:16:56,833
And I've dismembered,
454
00:16:56,866 --> 00:16:58,704
like, a ton of dead bodies.
455
00:16:58,737 --> 00:17:01,275
But back at the restaurant,
that was a real living person.
456
00:17:01,308 --> 00:17:03,513
And when I leaned in to take...
457
00:17:03,546 --> 00:17:04,515
I could...
458
00:17:04,548 --> 00:17:07,220
smell their shampoo
459
00:17:07,253 --> 00:17:09,157
and all I kept thinking was
460
00:17:09,190 --> 00:17:10,561
this guy was at CVS
461
00:17:10,594 --> 00:17:12,497
just sniffing away
all these shampoos
462
00:17:12,531 --> 00:17:14,434
and says, "Eh, I think
I'll get this one
463
00:17:14,467 --> 00:17:16,573
because it reminds me of where
I used to go camping as a kid."
464
00:17:16,606 --> 00:17:18,209
[whimpers]
465
00:17:18,242 --> 00:17:20,113
I can't do this, I'm sorry.
Could we...
466
00:17:20,146 --> 00:17:22,316
-I can't--
-[audio cuts out]
467
00:17:25,189 --> 00:17:27,460
[door closes]
468
00:17:27,493 --> 00:17:29,531
[approaching footsteps]
469
00:17:34,542 --> 00:17:36,646
Just as I feared.
470
00:17:38,148 --> 00:17:41,555
Guillermo is not cut out
to be a vampire.
471
00:17:42,658 --> 00:17:45,129
I will fix.
472
00:17:48,503 --> 00:17:50,106
[whooshes]
473
00:17:50,139 --> 00:17:51,308
You summoned me?
474
00:17:51,341 --> 00:17:53,379
Yes, I wish for Guillermo--
475
00:17:53,412 --> 00:17:56,118
Eh, eh, you ran out
of wishes a long time ago.
476
00:17:56,151 --> 00:17:57,588
Have you just been
carrying me around?
477
00:17:57,621 --> 00:17:59,291
Maybe.
478
00:17:59,324 --> 00:18:00,728
-Yeah.
-[groans]
479
00:18:00,761 --> 00:18:02,230
Okay, well...
480
00:18:02,263 --> 00:18:04,535
Nice to see you again.
You can, uh...
481
00:18:04,568 --> 00:18:06,271
Can't I stretch
my legs a little?
482
00:18:06,304 --> 00:18:08,342
I wish I could help you,
but, uh...
483
00:18:08,375 --> 00:18:10,379
-That's very funny.
-Get in the fucking lamp.
484
00:18:14,855 --> 00:18:17,427
I didn't even know there
was a special ceremony for...
485
00:18:17,460 --> 00:18:19,565
Wait, what was the ceremony
called again?
486
00:18:19,598 --> 00:18:22,370
The Ceremony
of Vampiric Transmogrification.
487
00:18:22,403 --> 00:18:23,472
-Oh.
-Don't be nervous,
488
00:18:23,506 --> 00:18:24,742
we have all been through it.
489
00:18:24,775 --> 00:18:26,880
Well, is it scary?
490
00:18:26,913 --> 00:18:28,884
Nothing you cannot handle.
491
00:18:28,917 --> 00:18:31,589
The ancient ceremony will help
hasten you along your path.
492
00:18:31,622 --> 00:18:34,662
[ominous music playing]
493
00:18:34,695 --> 00:18:35,931
It is time.
494
00:18:35,964 --> 00:18:37,601
Are you ready?
495
00:18:37,634 --> 00:18:39,437
I am.
496
00:18:41,876 --> 00:18:43,479
♪ ♪
497
00:18:43,513 --> 00:18:44,949
Hey.
498
00:18:44,982 --> 00:18:46,653
Derek is here, too?
499
00:18:46,686 --> 00:18:48,957
Yes. Fucking guy.
500
00:18:48,990 --> 00:18:52,230
But ancient ritual dictates
that he must be present.
501
00:18:52,263 --> 00:18:54,702
-Come on.
-[Guillermo] Hey, everyone.
502
00:18:54,735 --> 00:18:56,472
Hello.
503
00:18:56,506 --> 00:18:57,641
-Derek.
-Hey.
504
00:18:57,674 --> 00:18:59,311
[music shuts off]
505
00:18:59,344 --> 00:19:00,848
-[Nandor clears throat]
-[stomps, bell tolls]
506
00:19:00,881 --> 00:19:04,555
Vampires all, gather we here
in the dark of night?
507
00:19:04,588 --> 00:19:05,824
[vampires]
We do.
508
00:19:05,857 --> 00:19:08,429
We have made of ourselves
a circle?
509
00:19:08,462 --> 00:19:10,266
-The circle--
-The circle unbroken.
-Unbroken.
510
00:19:10,299 --> 00:19:12,872
[Nandor]
We gather here
in a circle unbroken
511
00:19:12,905 --> 00:19:15,410
at the crossroads
between life and death.
512
00:19:15,443 --> 00:19:18,984
Guillermo de la Cruz,
are you prepared?
513
00:19:19,017 --> 00:19:20,621
I am.
514
00:19:20,654 --> 00:19:23,459
Guillermo de la Cruz,
are you of sound mind
515
00:19:23,492 --> 00:19:24,896
and strong of body?
516
00:19:24,929 --> 00:19:26,398
I am.
517
00:19:26,431 --> 00:19:27,701
A choice will be made.
518
00:19:27,734 --> 00:19:29,972
This choice can only
be made by you.
519
00:19:30,005 --> 00:19:33,279
We vampires here
are only witnesses.
520
00:19:33,312 --> 00:19:36,351
Mistress of Ceremony,
prepare the flames.
521
00:19:36,384 --> 00:19:37,821
[clears throat] That's me.
522
00:19:38,923 --> 00:19:40,694
Nicely done.
523
00:19:40,727 --> 00:19:44,702
Guillermo de la Cruz,
I will now ask you one question.
524
00:19:44,735 --> 00:19:47,608
The answer must come
from your heart.
525
00:19:47,641 --> 00:19:49,545
For this is the last time
526
00:19:49,578 --> 00:19:51,583
you get to make
this final choice.
527
00:19:51,616 --> 00:19:53,687
-Do I make myself clear?
-Mm-hmm.
528
00:19:53,720 --> 00:19:57,661
The question is:
Would you rather be a human...
529
00:19:59,430 --> 00:20:01,000
...or vampire?
530
00:20:09,685 --> 00:20:11,287
A human.
531
00:20:14,962 --> 00:20:16,566
As I predicted.
532
00:20:16,599 --> 00:20:17,868
It's not that I don't
want to be a vampire,
533
00:20:17,901 --> 00:20:19,337
-I really, really do.
-Sure.
534
00:20:19,370 --> 00:20:20,741
It's all the killing.
535
00:20:20,774 --> 00:20:22,443
You can spare us the details,
it's fine.
536
00:20:22,476 --> 00:20:24,615
You want to be a human,
there's no shame in that.
537
00:20:24,648 --> 00:20:26,051
-We're gonna make it happen.
-Wait, what?
538
00:20:26,084 --> 00:20:29,692
Mistress of Ceremony,
distribute the hoods.
539
00:20:29,725 --> 00:20:31,328
That's me again.
540
00:20:31,361 --> 00:20:34,434
-You're doing a great job.
-Thank you, Derek.
541
00:20:34,467 --> 00:20:36,038
-Can I get a smaller--
-They're unisex.
542
00:20:36,071 --> 00:20:37,808
-It's a one size fits all
situation? Okay.
-Yep. Mm-hmm.
543
00:20:37,841 --> 00:20:39,779
Do I get a hood, or...
544
00:20:39,812 --> 00:20:40,781
-[Nandor] Hurry it up.
-[Baron] I have one
for you, too.
545
00:20:40,814 --> 00:20:42,383
[Sire]
Thank you.
546
00:20:42,416 --> 00:20:45,657
We blind ourselves
that none may witness.
547
00:20:45,690 --> 00:20:47,460
Hoods on, everyone.
548
00:20:47,493 --> 00:20:50,066
♪ We blind ourselves ♪
549
00:20:50,099 --> 00:20:55,577
[together]
♪ That none may see. ♪
550
00:20:55,610 --> 00:20:58,315
[Nandor] Very nice.
Proceed to position two.
551
00:20:58,348 --> 00:20:59,819
[bell tolling]
552
00:20:59,852 --> 00:21:01,355
[Derek]
I'm sorry,
w-what's position two?
553
00:21:01,388 --> 00:21:02,791
Just as you are, Derek,
that's fine.
554
00:21:02,824 --> 00:21:05,564
-Wait, what?
-It is the only way, Guillermo.
555
00:21:05,597 --> 00:21:07,601
-W-Won't I die, too?
-No.
556
00:21:07,634 --> 00:21:09,805
You'll go back to how you were
when you were turned.
557
00:21:09,838 --> 00:21:12,410
You'll just get a month older
really quickly.
558
00:21:12,443 --> 00:21:13,813
There's got to be another way.
559
00:21:13,846 --> 00:21:15,751
There's no other way.
560
00:21:15,784 --> 00:21:17,921
It is the only way.
561
00:21:33,920 --> 00:21:35,389
[exhales]
562
00:21:38,495 --> 00:21:40,099
-I can't do this.
-[coughs] Knew it.
563
00:21:40,132 --> 00:21:42,036
[Derek]
I'm sorry, can't do what?
What am I missing?
564
00:21:42,069 --> 00:21:43,038
[Nandor]
Just keep that hood on, Derek.
You're doing great.
565
00:21:43,071 --> 00:21:44,040
[Derek]
Thank you.
566
00:21:44,073 --> 00:21:46,010
You want me to do it?
567
00:21:47,948 --> 00:21:50,119
-I don't know.
-I do.
568
00:21:50,152 --> 00:21:51,722
Give me that.
569
00:21:53,091 --> 00:21:55,731
[Derek grunts]
570
00:21:55,764 --> 00:21:58,837
[Nandor]
Guillermo, you okay?
571
00:21:58,870 --> 00:22:00,607
-[Colin] Whoa!
[Laszlo] Um...
-[Nandor] Oh, shit.
572
00:22:00,640 --> 00:22:02,443
[Guillermo]
Everything's kind of blurry.
573
00:22:02,476 --> 00:22:04,013
I think I need my old glasses.
574
00:22:05,617 --> 00:22:07,487
-Here.
-Thank you.
575
00:22:07,521 --> 00:22:08,957
Well, that was fun.
576
00:22:08,990 --> 00:22:10,594
Can we turn the regular lights
on now, please?
577
00:22:10,627 --> 00:22:12,865
Oh, sure. Can somebody
help me pick up all these
578
00:22:12,898 --> 00:22:15,002
hoods and robes?
579
00:22:15,035 --> 00:22:16,906
Eh, just leave them.
Garfield will pick 'em up later.
580
00:22:16,939 --> 00:22:20,112
I must say, the, uh,
the banners are a lovely touch.
581
00:22:20,145 --> 00:22:21,583
You know, I like them, too.
582
00:22:21,616 --> 00:22:22,851
What do they mean?
583
00:22:22,884 --> 00:22:24,622
I don't know,
to be honest, Baron.
584
00:22:24,655 --> 00:22:26,926
I just wanted something
that looked cool and creepy.
585
00:22:26,959 --> 00:22:28,462
Very nice, yes.
586
00:22:28,495 --> 00:22:30,132
[speaking vampiric language]
587
00:22:30,165 --> 00:22:32,504
We have a sitter waiting at
home, so we're gonna head out.
588
00:22:32,537 --> 00:22:34,107
-Good evening.
-Kalinychta.
-[Guide] Bye.
589
00:22:34,140 --> 00:22:36,613
[Nandor] Anyone up for
a game of parcheesi?
590
00:22:36,646 --> 00:22:38,082
[Nadja] Maybe a movie.
591
00:22:38,115 --> 00:22:39,518
-I'm zonked.
-[Colin] The Brothers McMullin?
592
00:22:39,551 --> 00:22:40,821
That wasn't even
a real ceremony, was it?
593
00:22:40,854 --> 00:22:42,558
No.
594
00:22:42,591 --> 00:22:45,631
I found the robes in a box
in the attic and, uh...
595
00:22:45,664 --> 00:22:48,034
the candles I think we got
from a Home Depot?
596
00:22:50,674 --> 00:22:52,578
I'm sorry, Guillermo.
597
00:22:52,611 --> 00:22:53,880
It was the only way
for you to figure out
598
00:22:53,913 --> 00:22:55,717
what you actually wanted.
599
00:22:55,750 --> 00:22:58,489
It was a horrible
and hard decision.
600
00:22:58,523 --> 00:23:00,058
I think you made
the right choice.
601
00:23:01,629 --> 00:23:03,198
I know.
602
00:23:03,231 --> 00:23:05,102
Now, if you wouldn't mind
clearing up Derek's corpse
603
00:23:05,135 --> 00:23:07,874
before sunrise,
that would be great.
604
00:23:14,521 --> 00:23:17,528
Its alright i"ll give you a hand.
605
00:23:17,561 --> 00:23:18,929
Thanks, Laszlo.
606
00:23:20,199 --> 00:23:22,871
♪ ♪
607
00:23:26,044 --> 00:23:28,182
-You take the bag,
I'll take Derek.
-Okay.
608
00:23:28,215 --> 00:23:30,486
Come on, old chap.
You better get the door.
609
00:23:30,520 --> 00:23:31,622
[Guillermo]
Mr. Necromancer?
610
00:23:31,655 --> 00:23:33,058
[knocking]
611
00:23:34,661 --> 00:23:36,833
And you have the necessary
items required
612
00:23:36,866 --> 00:23:38,503
for the procedure to succeed?
613
00:23:38,536 --> 00:23:40,540
He means the cash.
614
00:23:40,573 --> 00:23:41,943
[Guillermo]
Yeah, it was almost all
the money I gave Derek
615
00:23:41,976 --> 00:23:43,913
to turn me into a vampire.
616
00:23:43,946 --> 00:23:46,853
He only spent like $270
on "vampire clothes"
617
00:23:46,886 --> 00:23:49,190
that he got from Hot Topic.
618
00:23:49,223 --> 00:23:52,196
You don't need to count it.
It's all there, necromancer.
619
00:23:52,229 --> 00:23:53,666
I should trust you
620
00:23:53,699 --> 00:23:55,504
when you when you show me
no respect for me
621
00:23:55,537 --> 00:23:57,541
or my beguiling powers?
622
00:23:57,574 --> 00:23:58,943
Respect? For a fraud?
623
00:23:58,976 --> 00:24:01,114
But you've seen
my methods succeed.
624
00:24:01,147 --> 00:24:03,853
I've seen your magic.
It has a fraudulent vibe.
625
00:24:03,886 --> 00:24:05,590
Okay, okay.
Boys, why don't we focus?
626
00:24:05,623 --> 00:24:07,894
[chanting]
627
00:24:10,099 --> 00:24:12,871
He's doing his scatting shit.
628
00:24:12,904 --> 00:24:15,744
-[chanting]
-[bell tolls]
629
00:24:15,777 --> 00:24:19,183
-[thunder crashing]
-[manic chanting]
630
00:24:22,791 --> 00:24:25,262
Yah! [spits]
631
00:24:25,295 --> 00:24:27,166
Get in, you dirty bastard!
632
00:24:27,199 --> 00:24:28,937
[gasps]
633
00:24:28,970 --> 00:24:30,139
[gurgling]
634
00:24:30,172 --> 00:24:31,274
Derek...
635
00:24:31,307 --> 00:24:33,613
[gasping]
636
00:24:33,646 --> 00:24:35,817
[raspy]
What's up, dude?
637
00:24:35,850 --> 00:24:37,688
All right. Begone with ya.
638
00:24:37,721 --> 00:24:39,224
He's all yours.
639
00:24:39,257 --> 00:24:41,696
But, uh, if you're worried
about taking care of him,
640
00:24:41,729 --> 00:24:43,098
we do have a new offer.
641
00:24:43,131 --> 00:24:44,602
Of course you do.
642
00:24:44,635 --> 00:24:45,904
-For a nominal fee...
-Here he goes.
643
00:24:45,937 --> 00:24:47,273
...a rehousing option.
644
00:24:47,306 --> 00:24:48,743
-[whistles] Topher!
-No.
645
00:24:48,776 --> 00:24:50,312
[snarling]
646
00:24:50,345 --> 00:24:51,716
[Laszlo]
What the fuck?
647
00:24:51,749 --> 00:24:55,022
[guttural]
Who calls... Topher?
648
00:24:55,055 --> 00:24:56,659
What's this "Thriller" shit?
649
00:24:56,692 --> 00:24:59,297
-[gasping]
-[screaming]
650
00:24:59,330 --> 00:25:00,867
[normal voice]
JK.
651
00:25:00,900 --> 00:25:02,036
-[laughter]
-[Laszlo] Oh, it's that guy.
652
00:25:02,069 --> 00:25:04,274
-Topher!
-Yeah, baby. Sup, guys?
653
00:25:04,307 --> 00:25:05,911
How you doing, Guillermo?
654
00:25:05,944 --> 00:25:07,748
[Guillermo]
Topher, you look, uh...
655
00:25:07,781 --> 00:25:09,317
-You look like shit.
-Well, I'm au naturel, babe.
656
00:25:09,350 --> 00:25:11,021
I've had some work done.
657
00:25:11,054 --> 00:25:12,591
You know, I'm still undead,
658
00:25:12,624 --> 00:25:14,127
but I'm making
the most of it, man.
659
00:25:14,160 --> 00:25:15,997
Once you get used
to the zombie body,
660
00:25:16,030 --> 00:25:18,168
you can actually learn
to talk normal again.
661
00:25:18,201 --> 00:25:20,172
Like this. Pretty cool, huh?
662
00:25:20,205 --> 00:25:21,943
-He just does the accent
for the tourists.
-Eh, you know.
663
00:25:21,976 --> 00:25:23,680
Take 'em for an arm and a leg.
664
00:25:23,713 --> 00:25:25,282
-[laughter]
-Yeah, man.
665
00:25:25,315 --> 00:25:26,752
Who we got here?
666
00:25:26,785 --> 00:25:28,957
-Der. Ek.
-[Topher] Oh, hey, look at that.
667
00:25:28,990 --> 00:25:30,694
Yeah, he's trying.
668
00:25:30,727 --> 00:25:32,063
It's gonna take him
a couple months
669
00:25:32,096 --> 00:25:33,666
to learn how to use
the ol' mouth again.
670
00:25:33,699 --> 00:25:35,670
But in the meantime,
the more the merrier.
671
00:25:35,703 --> 00:25:38,142
Hey, Derek. How would you
like to join a gang
672
00:25:38,175 --> 00:25:40,212
of crazy motherfuckers
just like yourself?
673
00:25:40,245 --> 00:25:41,949
There's always room
for a new friend.
674
00:25:41,982 --> 00:25:44,354
-Friend?
-Yeah. Friend!
675
00:25:44,387 --> 00:25:46,091
High five! [laughs]
676
00:25:46,124 --> 00:25:47,895
Oh, yeah, takes a second.
677
00:25:47,928 --> 00:25:49,297
-Come on, buddy.
-Whoa!
678
00:25:49,330 --> 00:25:51,368
-Easy, Derek.
-[laughs]
679
00:25:51,401 --> 00:25:54,809
Hey, boys, set a place at the
table for our new friend Derek!
680
00:25:54,842 --> 00:25:56,344
-[zombies cheering]
-[laughter]
681
00:25:56,377 --> 00:25:58,115
Hey, you like eating
human flesh?
682
00:25:58,148 --> 00:26:00,654
-[growls]
-Oh, you will.
683
00:26:00,687 --> 00:26:02,056
Very... cool.
684
00:26:02,089 --> 00:26:04,394
-Bye, Derek.
-[Laszlo] Bye, Derek.
685
00:26:04,427 --> 00:26:06,665
["Infidel Zombie"
by The Dickies playing]
686
00:26:10,105 --> 00:26:12,043
♪ Well, I've been running
for a while ♪
687
00:26:12,076 --> 00:26:16,051
♪ And I know that
the I'm next in line... ♪
688
00:26:16,084 --> 00:26:17,654
Do you take Venmo?
689
00:26:17,687 --> 00:26:20,794
Venmo? I take cash,
hard cash or gold coin.
690
00:26:20,827 --> 00:26:22,063
Or Zelle.
691
00:26:22,096 --> 00:26:24,668
♪ She's an infidel zombie ♪
692
00:26:24,701 --> 00:26:27,206
♪ And she gets depressed
with duress ♪
693
00:26:27,239 --> 00:26:29,210
♪ A love that cannot find me ♪
694
00:26:29,243 --> 00:26:31,883
♪ She's an infidel zombie ♪
695
00:26:31,916 --> 00:26:34,354
♪ And she gets depressed
with duress ♪
696
00:26:34,387 --> 00:26:36,358
♪ A love that cannot find me ♪
697
00:26:36,391 --> 00:26:38,963
♪ She's an infidel zombie ♪
698
00:26:38,996 --> 00:26:41,401
♪ Let me tell you,
I don't believe it ♪
699
00:26:41,434 --> 00:26:44,073
♪ There's a bullet
with my name on it now ♪
700
00:26:44,106 --> 00:26:45,844
♪ I don't believe it ♪
701
00:26:45,877 --> 00:26:47,113
♪ There's a bullet
with my name on it ♪
702
00:26:47,146 --> 00:26:49,017
♪ I said I don't believe it ♪
703
00:26:49,050 --> 00:26:51,956
♪ There's a bullet
with my name on it now. ♪
704
00:26:51,989 --> 00:26:54,193
♪ ♪
705
00:27:07,754 --> 00:27:11,257
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org
48057
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