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1
00:00:02,526 --> 00:00:04,326
Well, it's been five days
2
00:00:04,359 --> 00:00:07,426
and I haven't
lost a single pound
on this damn liquid diet.
3
00:00:07,459 --> 00:00:09,293
Maybe because it's gin.
4
00:00:10,703 --> 00:00:12,526
[mouthing]
5
00:00:13,203 --> 00:00:17,543
Nanny Fine,
how do you eat like that
and stay so thin?
6
00:00:17,873 --> 00:00:18,509
I have a very fast
metabolism.
7
00:00:19,043 --> 00:00:20,476
Every time I think
about how old I am
8
00:00:20,509 --> 00:00:23,293
and the fact
that I'm still single,
my heart starts racing.
9
00:00:24,443 --> 00:00:26,259
Niles, were you listening in
on the terrace
10
00:00:26,293 --> 00:00:28,543
when I had my meeting
with that accountant?
11
00:00:28,873 --> 00:00:30,043
I most certainly was not.
12
00:00:30,373 --> 00:00:31,509
Good, 'cause I just had
the French doors painted.
13
00:00:32,043 --> 00:00:33,476
Oh, well,
I'll warn the children.
14
00:00:37,459 --> 00:00:39,409
Good god, man.
15
00:00:39,443 --> 00:00:43,259
Is it so bloody important
for you to know
how much I'm worth?
16
00:00:43,293 --> 00:00:46,309
Niles, you have
paint on you.
17
00:00:49,243 --> 00:00:50,443
[chuckling] So do you.
18
00:00:51,443 --> 00:00:53,259
[phone ringing]
19
00:00:53,293 --> 00:00:56,459
Sir, I wasn't snooping.
I was cleaning.
20
00:00:56,493 --> 00:01:00,043
Honestly,
keeping this house in order
is a round-the-clock job.
21
00:01:00,373 --> 00:01:02,159
I hardly have time
to skulk about.
22
00:01:02,193 --> 00:01:04,443
Niles, it's the Spy Shop.
Your night vision goggles
are in.
23
00:01:07,243 --> 00:01:10,193
Let that be the last time
I catch you snooping.
24
00:01:10,226 --> 00:01:13,203
And tomorrow,
I'm disconnecting
that bloody intercom.
25
00:01:13,543 --> 00:01:14,426
Oh, sir, not the lifeline.
26
00:01:16,143 --> 00:01:18,376
Honestly, if I were
Mrs.Sheffield,
27
00:01:18,409 --> 00:01:21,376
my first act would be...
28
00:01:21,409 --> 00:01:27,543
Well, my second act
would be to fire
that no-good lint trap.
29
00:01:27,873 --> 00:01:29,143
If you were
Mrs. Sheffield?
30
00:01:29,176 --> 00:01:32,043
Please hang up
and dial again.
31
00:01:34,543 --> 00:01:36,276
Nanny Fine,
I am perfect for Maxwell.
32
00:01:36,309 --> 00:01:38,276
I am dependable,
respectable,
33
00:01:38,309 --> 00:01:41,509
and men are always drawn
to my classic Swedish features.
34
00:01:42,043 --> 00:01:43,176
So you're a Volvo.
35
00:01:45,143 --> 00:01:48,243
Unfortunately for you,
Mr. Sheffield wants
to get his hands
36
00:01:48,276 --> 00:01:52,703
on something a little sportier
that he can take the top down.
37
00:01:54,509 --> 00:01:58,226
Well, you know,
obviously we disagree.
What do you wanna do?
38
00:01:58,259 --> 00:02:00,459
Dress up like piñatas,
blindfold Maxwell,
39
00:02:00,493 --> 00:02:03,426
give him a stick
and see which one of us
he whacks first?
40
00:02:05,493 --> 00:02:07,526
No. I was going to say
41
00:02:08,203 --> 00:02:11,426
that we should get
an impartial third party
to be the judge.
42
00:02:11,459 --> 00:02:15,209
But, you know, your way
is a nice tip-of-the-hat
to Mexican culture.
43
00:02:16,293 --> 00:02:19,193
An impartial third party?
Like whom?
44
00:02:19,226 --> 00:02:23,203
Well, like
Dr. Joyce Brothers.
45
00:02:23,543 --> 00:02:24,243
I met her once.
46
00:02:24,276 --> 00:02:27,309
She's very smart.
She was onHollywood Squares.
47
00:02:27,343 --> 00:02:28,459
She knows things.
48
00:02:34,159 --> 00:02:35,226
Oh.
49
00:02:41,543 --> 00:02:42,409
♪ She was workingin a bridal shop ♪
50
00:02:42,443 --> 00:02:44,703
♪ In Flushing, Queens ♪
51
00:02:44,143 --> 00:02:45,276
♪ Till her boyfriendkicked her out ♪
52
00:02:45,309 --> 00:02:46,459
♪ In one of thosecrushing scenes ♪
53
00:02:46,493 --> 00:02:48,409
♪ What was she to do?Where was she to go? ♪
54
00:02:48,443 --> 00:02:51,443
♪ She was out on her fanny ♪
55
00:02:51,476 --> 00:02:53,243
♪ So over the bridgefrom Flushing ♪
56
00:02:53,276 --> 00:02:55,203
♪ To the Sheffield's door ♪
57
00:02:55,543 --> 00:02:57,159
♪ She was there to sell makeupbut the father saw more ♪
58
00:02:57,193 --> 00:02:59,159
♪ She had style, she had flairshe was there ♪
59
00:02:59,193 --> 00:03:00,276
♪ That's how she became ♪
60
00:03:00,309 --> 00:03:03,203
♪ The Nanny ♪
61
00:03:03,543 --> 00:03:06,373
♪ Who would have guessedthat the girl we described ♪
62
00:03:06,703 --> 00:03:08,703
♪ Was just exactlywhat the doctor prescribed? ♪
63
00:03:08,143 --> 00:03:09,326
♪ Now, the fatherfinds her beguiling ♪
64
00:03:09,359 --> 00:03:10,459
♪ Watch out C.C. ♪
65
00:03:10,493 --> 00:03:12,193
♪ And the kidsare actually smiling ♪
66
00:03:12,226 --> 00:03:13,393
♪ Such joie de vivre ♪
67
00:03:13,426 --> 00:03:15,543
♪ She's the lady in red ♪
68
00:03:15,873 --> 00:03:19,176
♪ When everybody elseis wearing tan ♪
69
00:03:19,209 --> 00:03:21,193
♪ The flashy girlfrom Flushing ♪
70
00:03:21,226 --> 00:03:22,426
♪ The Nanny named Fran ♪
71
00:03:25,459 --> 00:03:28,426
Oh, thank you,
Dr. Joyce Brothers. Thank you.
72
00:03:28,459 --> 00:03:30,159
It's all set.
73
00:03:30,193 --> 00:03:32,276
She's gonna come over and
observe us with Mr. Sheffield
74
00:03:32,309 --> 00:03:34,343
and determine
who will make the better wife.
75
00:03:34,376 --> 00:03:36,543
-You're kidding.
-No.
76
00:03:36,873 --> 00:03:38,443
She has a great deal of respect
for our experiment.
77
00:03:38,476 --> 00:03:41,203
She has a musical she wants
to pitch to Maxwell?
78
00:03:41,543 --> 00:03:42,343
Wrote a score forNuts.
79
00:03:44,443 --> 00:03:48,493
Well, let's just keep this
between us because
if Maxwell finds out,
80
00:03:48,526 --> 00:03:50,209
neither of us
will have a shot at him.
81
00:03:50,243 --> 00:03:51,393
He'll think
we're both morons.
82
00:03:51,426 --> 00:03:54,259
Good. I couldn't agree more.
Oh, and you know what?
83
00:03:54,293 --> 00:03:58,176
In case he does find out,
let's just tell him that
Val thought of it.
84
00:03:58,209 --> 00:03:59,459
That won't be a tough sell.
85
00:04:01,426 --> 00:04:04,703
-What are you doing?
-Nothing.
86
00:04:06,376 --> 00:04:10,259
And with my Vinnie Barbarino
glass from Chevron?
87
00:04:10,293 --> 00:04:12,443
You see, this is why
we cannot have nice things.
88
00:04:15,176 --> 00:04:18,209
You know, even if I could
keep Dr. Brothers
coming here a secret...
89
00:04:18,243 --> 00:04:20,703
And I wouldn't
take those odds
to Vegas...
90
00:04:22,203 --> 00:04:25,203
How do you plan
to explain her presence
to Mr. Sheffield?
91
00:04:25,543 --> 00:04:27,459
The woman deals with
the psychologically deranged.
92
00:04:27,493 --> 00:04:31,276
She could be here
for Ma, me, Gracie.
93
00:04:31,309 --> 00:04:34,343
And let me tell you something,
mister, you ain't far
from the top of the list.
94
00:04:36,443 --> 00:04:40,159
And don't you blab.
I will know,
because Mr. Sheffield
95
00:04:40,193 --> 00:04:42,359
always acts self-conscious
when he knows
he's being watched.
96
00:04:42,393 --> 00:04:44,373
Mmm.
97
00:04:46,326 --> 00:04:47,409
What?
98
00:04:49,509 --> 00:04:51,209
-Nothing.
-Nothing.
99
00:04:51,243 --> 00:04:53,873
Well, why are you
staring at me?
100
00:04:53,159 --> 00:04:56,193
What? Go about your business.
Do what you're doing.
101
00:04:56,226 --> 00:04:58,373
Well, I can't now.
You're watching me.
102
00:04:58,703 --> 00:04:59,443
Makes me feel
very uncomfortable.
103
00:05:01,343 --> 00:05:04,209
So much
for making amateur videos
on our honeymoon.
104
00:05:08,526 --> 00:05:11,243
I just hate
these credit applications.
105
00:05:11,276 --> 00:05:14,703
Date of birth?
Not applicable.
106
00:05:14,143 --> 00:05:15,193
Mmm-hmm.
107
00:05:17,243 --> 00:05:21,543
Sex? Five years ago,
Tuesday.
108
00:05:21,873 --> 00:05:23,426
Well, what do you need
another credit card for
anyway?
109
00:05:23,459 --> 00:05:26,343
Oh, I wanna get credit
so I can buy
some new outfits
110
00:05:26,376 --> 00:05:28,476
to impress
Dr. Joyce Brothers.
111
00:05:28,509 --> 00:05:31,409
I mean, look at me, Val.
I look like a cheap tart.
112
00:05:31,443 --> 00:05:34,476
And not in the good way.
113
00:05:34,509 --> 00:05:38,873
Yeah, but I think
under "salary,"
you made a mistake.
114
00:05:38,159 --> 00:05:41,193
Well, that's because
last time I put my real salary
on an application,
115
00:05:41,226 --> 00:05:44,276
they sent me food stamps
and a box of government cheese.
116
00:05:46,043 --> 00:05:48,373
You know,
I remember that.
117
00:05:48,703 --> 00:05:50,493
It had a surprisingly tangy
aftertaste.
118
00:05:53,359 --> 00:05:56,543
You know,
maybe I shouldn't put
50 grand down.
119
00:05:56,873 --> 00:05:58,159
It sounds like
I'm trying too hard.
120
00:05:58,193 --> 00:06:00,203
Yeah, 50 is too much.
121
00:06:00,543 --> 00:06:02,176
Make it 49.99.
122
00:06:02,209 --> 00:06:04,493
That's how they sucked me
in on the Abdomenizer.
123
00:06:04,526 --> 00:06:06,276
Yeah, that's good.
124
00:06:13,476 --> 00:06:15,159
[sighs]
125
00:06:29,209 --> 00:06:31,493
♪ And when I get that feeling ♪
126
00:06:31,526 --> 00:06:34,376
♪I want, ow, sexual healing
127
00:06:34,409 --> 00:06:37,459
♪ Sexual healing ♪
128
00:06:37,493 --> 00:06:40,143
♪Something that'sgood for me
129
00:06:44,493 --> 00:06:46,159
[sighs]
130
00:06:48,309 --> 00:06:51,143
Oh, crap.I dusted through Rosie.
131
00:06:53,209 --> 00:06:57,226
I can't believe she's applyingfor another credit card.
132
00:06:57,259 --> 00:06:59,443
No, I really shouldn't snoop.
133
00:06:59,476 --> 00:07:02,493
But maybe I'm a reference,in which caseI have a right to know.
134
00:07:04,476 --> 00:07:07,526
Where's age? Age, age, age.
135
00:07:08,203 --> 00:07:10,159
Hmm, this musthave been age.
136
00:07:13,209 --> 00:07:16,373
Let's see. Salary...
137
00:07:18,276 --> 00:07:20,526
Sir, I demand a raise.
138
00:07:21,203 --> 00:07:22,459
Niles, I am actually
in the room.
139
00:07:22,493 --> 00:07:25,209
So you might want
to rehearse this
somewhere else.
140
00:07:27,326 --> 00:07:29,226
I am saying it
to your face this time.
141
00:07:29,259 --> 00:07:33,143
I demand a salary increase
and I demand it now.
142
00:07:33,176 --> 00:07:37,703
Well, that certainly took
a lot of backbone, I must say.
143
00:07:37,143 --> 00:07:39,209
You know, normally my answer
would be no.
144
00:07:39,243 --> 00:07:43,426
But based
on your bold approach,
my answer is, "Hell, no!"
145
00:07:46,543 --> 00:07:49,376
How dare you come
barging in here like that,
making demands.
146
00:07:49,409 --> 00:07:51,509
-Can't you see I'm busy?
-Yes, I know how much effort
147
00:07:52,043 --> 00:07:55,193
goes into ordering
an air conditioned pith helmet
from the Sharper Image.
148
00:07:58,209 --> 00:08:02,343
Niles, what exactly brought
on this sudden surge
of greed, anyway?
149
00:08:02,376 --> 00:08:06,703
Well, I was upstairs looking
through Ms...Ms. Magazine.
150
00:08:07,409 --> 00:08:11,203
Did you know that
like many women
in today's marketplace...
151
00:08:11,543 --> 00:08:12,443
I too am underpaid?
152
00:08:14,259 --> 00:08:18,873
Well, I happen to think
you're very well paid
for drinking my brandy,
153
00:08:18,159 --> 00:08:21,143
smoking my cigars
and giving conducted
tours of the house,
154
00:08:21,176 --> 00:08:24,143
when I'm not here,
saying it belongs
to Jacqueline Onassis.
155
00:08:27,143 --> 00:08:29,143
Bouvier.
Before she was married.
156
00:08:30,376 --> 00:08:32,226
Look,
if it wasn't for me,
157
00:08:32,259 --> 00:08:35,543
you'd still have
that summer job
playing ukulele
158
00:08:35,873 --> 00:08:38,703
on some London sidewalk
with your partner, Larry.
159
00:08:38,143 --> 00:08:40,373
Well, at least Larry
treated me like a human.
160
00:08:40,703 --> 00:08:43,243
Well, of course
he treated you like a human.
He was a bloody monkey!
161
00:08:50,176 --> 00:08:52,459
Look, if you're not happy here,
perhaps it's time
you made other arrangements.
162
00:08:52,493 --> 00:08:56,703
All right, then,
you repressed tightwad.
163
00:08:56,143 --> 00:08:57,509
-I quit!
-Oh, good.
164
00:08:58,043 --> 00:08:59,343
Go and quit then. Go!
165
00:08:59,376 --> 00:09:01,543
By the way,
there was a call
166
00:09:01,873 --> 00:09:03,259
from someone who wants
to back your new show.
167
00:09:03,293 --> 00:09:05,376
-Well, who was it?
-It was...
168
00:09:13,376 --> 00:09:15,543
Oh, my god, Niles.
169
00:09:15,873 --> 00:09:17,159
-Did I just hear you quit?
-Hmm.
170
00:09:17,193 --> 00:09:20,293
How can you,
after all you two have
been through together?
171
00:09:20,326 --> 00:09:24,343
Do you remember
when Mr. Sheffield had
that horrible contagious flu?
172
00:09:24,376 --> 00:09:27,343
You were the only one
that he would let
in his room.
173
00:09:29,209 --> 00:09:31,526
Yes. It's memories like that
that will sustain me
174
00:09:32,203 --> 00:09:33,409
until I get
to the curb outside.
175
00:09:36,343 --> 00:09:40,176
Oh, Mr. Sheffield,
you can't just let Niles go.
176
00:09:40,209 --> 00:09:43,226
You're making a big mistake.
He's my best friend.
177
00:09:43,259 --> 00:09:46,393
[sniffing] Oh, god...
Do you smell delicious...
178
00:09:48,493 --> 00:09:51,209
What is that?
179
00:09:51,243 --> 00:09:53,259
Are you wearing Aramis?
180
00:09:55,873 --> 00:09:58,476
You can forget it, Ms. Fine.
My mind is made up.
181
00:09:58,509 --> 00:10:02,326
Niles is
nosy, greedy, surly,
and he's gone.
182
00:10:02,359 --> 00:10:04,476
Now... [clears throat]
as lady of the house,
183
00:10:04,509 --> 00:10:07,703
I want you to start finding
a replacement immediately.
184
00:10:07,143 --> 00:10:08,376
Oh, come on.
185
00:10:08,409 --> 00:10:11,443
You want me
to replace my best...
Lady of the house?
186
00:10:13,526 --> 00:10:18,159
You know,
that Niles could be surly
from time to time.
187
00:10:23,543 --> 00:10:24,259
What's going on?
188
00:10:24,293 --> 00:10:26,226
Niles quit.
189
00:10:32,326 --> 00:10:34,043
Thank you.
190
00:10:39,409 --> 00:10:40,409
[doorbell rings]
191
00:10:40,443 --> 00:10:42,259
I'll get it.
192
00:10:46,193 --> 00:10:48,226
Hi, Ma. What are you
doing here?
193
00:10:48,259 --> 00:10:51,226
Don't you remember?
We're having lunch
with Aunt Freida.
194
00:10:51,259 --> 00:10:53,376
It's the anniversary
of her husband's death.
195
00:10:53,409 --> 00:10:55,143
Oh, which husband?
196
00:10:55,176 --> 00:10:57,543
Well, since she's
buried seven,
197
00:10:57,873 --> 00:11:00,376
she decided to lump them all
together like Presidents' Day.
198
00:11:04,259 --> 00:11:08,703
Well, you know,
as much as I'd love
to watch you and Freida
199
00:11:08,143 --> 00:11:10,209
fight over who
gets the chicken butt,
200
00:11:11,359 --> 00:11:14,226
I've really gotta find
a replacement for Niles.
201
00:11:14,259 --> 00:11:17,326
-I can't believe he quit.
It's so sad.
-I know, I know.
202
00:11:17,359 --> 00:11:20,309
I can still smell
his chicken cacciatore.
203
00:11:20,343 --> 00:11:23,526
It's like when you lose a limb
and you swear it's still there.
204
00:11:24,203 --> 00:11:25,309
Yeah.
205
00:11:25,343 --> 00:11:29,373
-[doorbell rings]
-Oh, that's Freida.
Ma, you be nice.
206
00:11:29,703 --> 00:11:32,143
Well, now that
my sister-in-law Freida
is a millionaire,
207
00:11:32,176 --> 00:11:36,409
let's see if, God forbid,
she brings cake.
208
00:11:36,443 --> 00:11:40,276
Ma, you're going out to lunch.
What do you need a cake...
Oh, for the cab ride.
209
00:11:43,293 --> 00:11:45,359
-Aunt Freida.
-Frannie.
210
00:11:45,393 --> 00:11:47,176
[kissing]
211
00:11:47,209 --> 00:11:48,259
Hi, Syl.
212
00:11:48,293 --> 00:11:49,443
[kissing]
213
00:11:56,143 --> 00:12:00,209
Oh, Sylvia, I love
the lighter rinse
you're putting on your hair.
214
00:12:00,243 --> 00:12:04,143
You know, it's nice
when you get a little older
to go a little softer.
215
00:12:05,203 --> 00:12:06,359
Like your tuchus.
216
00:12:08,703 --> 00:12:10,326
So where's
Mr. Hunky Butler?
217
00:12:10,359 --> 00:12:12,459
Oh, Hunky
went out the door.
218
00:12:12,493 --> 00:12:15,543
You mean, he quit?
219
00:12:15,873 --> 00:12:19,459
Oh, well, maybe he left
a little chicken cacciatore
in a ziplock?
220
00:12:19,493 --> 00:12:22,459
Been there, done that.
221
00:12:22,493 --> 00:12:26,476
You know, Freida,
I was just gonna say, I mean,
it's kind of awkward for me...
222
00:12:26,509 --> 00:12:30,193
but since you're so loaded
and you've got
so much money...
223
00:12:30,226 --> 00:12:33,193
Franella, say no more.
224
00:12:33,226 --> 00:12:35,209
You're mishpachah.
225
00:12:35,243 --> 00:12:37,143
Here, doll.
226
00:12:37,176 --> 00:12:39,359
Oh, no, Freida.
227
00:12:39,393 --> 00:12:42,309
I just meant
I thought you
should hire Niles.
228
00:12:42,343 --> 00:12:43,493
Oh.
229
00:12:45,393 --> 00:12:47,443
I don't know, a butler?
230
00:12:47,476 --> 00:12:50,359
You know,
I'm just not comfortable
bossing people around.
231
00:12:50,393 --> 00:12:52,203
Sylvia, a cold drink.
232
00:12:52,543 --> 00:12:53,243
[snapping fingers]
Move it.
233
00:12:55,373 --> 00:12:57,176
I'll dance
on your grave someday.
234
00:12:58,326 --> 00:13:00,873
You know, maybe I could
use some help.
235
00:13:00,159 --> 00:13:03,276
I've got all that
Lardo porcelain to dust.
236
00:13:05,259 --> 00:13:07,343
Freida, it's Lladró.
237
00:13:10,373 --> 00:13:12,526
If you can pronounce it,
I can afford it.
238
00:13:14,376 --> 00:13:16,459
-Ms. Fine.
-Yeah? What's the matter?
239
00:13:16,493 --> 00:13:18,343
I want to let you know,
you can call off the search.
240
00:13:18,376 --> 00:13:22,309
C.C.'s found the perfect butler
with sterling credentials,
I might add.
241
00:13:22,343 --> 00:13:23,393
-I'm very pleased.
-Oh.
242
00:13:23,426 --> 00:13:25,873
-Thank you, C.C.
-[chuckles]
243
00:13:25,159 --> 00:13:27,203
You're welcome, honey.
244
00:13:29,209 --> 00:13:31,143
Did you hear that?
245
00:13:31,176 --> 00:13:33,409
He is pleased
with the help I hired.
246
00:13:33,443 --> 00:13:36,193
I think Dr. Brothers
would approve.
247
00:13:37,176 --> 00:13:39,226
All right, you win.
248
00:13:39,259 --> 00:13:42,203
When me and Mr. Sheffield
get married,
you can hire all the help.
249
00:13:44,526 --> 00:13:48,143
All right, girls, well,
it looks like I can have lunch
with you after all.
250
00:13:48,176 --> 00:13:50,373
Ooh! How about Mexican?
251
00:13:50,703 --> 00:13:52,203
Nah, I'm in the mood
for matzo ball soup.
252
00:13:52,543 --> 00:13:55,203
-[sighs]
-Have you tried
Casa de Hadassah?
253
00:13:55,543 --> 00:13:57,326
No, I hear
they have great fajitas.
Kosher fajitas.
254
00:13:57,359 --> 00:14:01,243
Oh, my God, they've got
a Tequila Sunrise Sunset.
255
00:14:01,276 --> 00:14:02,359
I love it.
256
00:14:06,426 --> 00:14:09,409
And finally, Trevor,
this is the kitchen,
your domain.
257
00:14:09,443 --> 00:14:13,176
We have
the butler's pantry on the left,
the wine cellar on the right
258
00:14:13,209 --> 00:14:15,209
and the trampy nanny
on her ass.
259
00:14:20,293 --> 00:14:24,143
Listen, Trevor.
Let's just get one thing
straight right off the bat.
260
00:14:24,176 --> 00:14:29,276
You took my best friend's job,
so you and I are not gonna
be compadres.
261
00:14:29,309 --> 00:14:33,493
As long as we're being honest,
I don't want your mother
dropping by incessantly.
262
00:14:33,526 --> 00:14:37,873
A woman her age
should be retired
and living in a warm climate.
263
00:14:40,359 --> 00:14:42,409
You know, I got two tickets
forRent
264
00:14:42,443 --> 00:14:44,243
What do you say
we go together?
265
00:14:46,203 --> 00:14:50,373
And as for your attire,
it is inappropriate
for the nanny
266
00:14:50,703 --> 00:14:51,459
to be seen
in such revealing outfits
267
00:14:51,493 --> 00:14:53,343
in front of the master
and his children.
268
00:14:53,376 --> 00:14:55,176
Please. If I wanted
to be revealing,
269
00:14:55,209 --> 00:14:57,209
I could have
unbuttoned these buttons
270
00:14:57,243 --> 00:15:00,343
and I wouldn't
have worn a bra.
Ooh! Whoo! Peekaboo.
271
00:15:04,343 --> 00:15:06,276
Oh, how can
you stand him?
272
00:15:06,309 --> 00:15:09,276
I mean,
he's so cold, stuffy
and repressed.
273
00:15:09,309 --> 00:15:13,359
I know, honey,
but he is your father.
Oh, you meant Trevor.
274
00:15:13,393 --> 00:15:16,243
Why are you children
still here?
You should be in school.
275
00:15:16,276 --> 00:15:20,226
Oh, Fran's taking us
to Maury Povich to see
that 80-pound baby.
276
00:15:20,259 --> 00:15:22,259
[chuckling]
277
00:15:22,293 --> 00:15:24,359
Here. Dad doesn't
need to know.
278
00:15:24,393 --> 00:15:26,443
Excuse me,
but I cannot be bribed.
279
00:15:28,326 --> 00:15:30,443
This one's
gonna be trouble.
280
00:15:41,159 --> 00:15:43,443
Oh, my god, Freida.
281
00:15:45,409 --> 00:15:50,459
I know. It took forever
to paper over those
carved mahogany walls.
282
00:15:51,443 --> 00:15:54,159
But don't judge it now.
283
00:15:54,193 --> 00:15:57,426
When I get my furniture
out of storage, it'll fill
in all those bare spots.
284
00:16:00,176 --> 00:16:03,393
Listen, Freida, I wanna
talk to you about Niles.
I want him back.
285
00:16:03,426 --> 00:16:06,043
And you can get anyone
to do what he does
around here.
286
00:16:06,373 --> 00:16:09,393
-[Niles] Oh, Freida.
It's booty call.
-[gasps]
287
00:16:17,509 --> 00:16:21,443
Niles, you hussy you.
288
00:16:23,176 --> 00:16:24,226
Don't knock it, baby.
289
00:16:24,259 --> 00:16:26,459
[gasps] You got
a diamond ring?
290
00:16:27,426 --> 00:16:29,193
And a dental plan?
291
00:16:31,159 --> 00:16:33,176
I'm shag-a-delic, baby.
292
00:16:36,426 --> 00:16:40,373
Oh, Frannie, it's so nice
to have a man
around the house.
293
00:16:40,703 --> 00:16:43,873
Nilesy, I'm gonna
start the bath.
294
00:16:44,343 --> 00:16:48,043
Don't be long,
my private dancer.
295
00:16:51,359 --> 00:16:54,703
Niles,
I don't believe you.
296
00:16:54,143 --> 00:16:58,326
Dressing up in sexy clothes,
throwing yourself at your boss.
It's sick.
297
00:16:58,359 --> 00:17:01,393
Sick, sick, sick, sick.
298
00:17:01,426 --> 00:17:04,373
Well, it seems the only way
I can make your high salary,
299
00:17:04,703 --> 00:17:06,326
is to shake my groove thing
with Aunt Freida.
300
00:17:07,393 --> 00:17:09,509
What do you mean,
my high salary?
301
00:17:10,043 --> 00:17:11,226
I saw your
credit card application.
302
00:17:11,259 --> 00:17:14,373
You put down that you make
50,000 dollars a year.
303
00:17:14,703 --> 00:17:15,459
Oh, I had to.
304
00:17:15,493 --> 00:17:19,543
That's the same thing
when I tell Mr. Sheffield
that I'm 29.
305
00:17:19,873 --> 00:17:21,459
I'm seeking "approval."
306
00:17:22,509 --> 00:17:24,309
Now, come on,
I'm taking you home.
307
00:17:24,343 --> 00:17:28,243
No, no. I will not have
Mr. Sheffield constantly
calling me a snoop.
308
00:17:28,276 --> 00:17:30,703
I have my dignity.
309
00:17:30,143 --> 00:17:31,326
[Freida] Nilesy!
310
00:17:31,359 --> 00:17:34,143
Put on the velvet Speedo
with the bull's-eye.
311
00:17:39,443 --> 00:17:42,373
Look, it's too late
to come back now.
312
00:17:42,703 --> 00:17:45,393
I've made Freida's bed
and now I have to lie in it.
313
00:17:48,493 --> 00:17:50,359
Well, fine.
314
00:17:50,393 --> 00:17:54,176
Just remember, I've been
working for Mr. Sheffield
almost five years
315
00:17:54,209 --> 00:17:56,343
and still I haven't
slept with him.
316
00:17:56,376 --> 00:17:58,309
It's official.
I'm a schmuck.
317
00:18:03,873 --> 00:18:05,203
I fixed you a drink,
Ms.Babcock.
318
00:18:05,543 --> 00:18:07,526
I thought you might
be nervous about
Dr. Brothers' visit.
319
00:18:08,203 --> 00:18:09,443
I hope she picks you.
320
00:18:09,476 --> 00:18:11,526
Oh.
321
00:18:12,203 --> 00:18:15,443
Trevor, it doesn't matter.
I'm not going anywhere.
322
00:18:15,476 --> 00:18:18,459
Nanny Fine
may be dumb enough
to honor our deal,
323
00:18:18,493 --> 00:18:22,259
but I'm in show business.
My promises don't mean squat.
324
00:18:30,443 --> 00:18:34,443
Oh, Nanny Fine,
that is low.
325
00:18:36,426 --> 00:18:40,443
Well, I had
to pull out the big guns.
You went to finishing school.
326
00:18:40,476 --> 00:18:42,393
I had trouble finishing school.
327
00:18:42,426 --> 00:18:44,043
[doorbell rings]
328
00:18:45,193 --> 00:18:48,276
Well, you look
ridiculous.
329
00:18:48,309 --> 00:18:53,873
That is a cheap, dowdy,
matronly sack.
330
00:19:02,409 --> 00:19:05,509
On you, it sings.
331
00:19:07,509 --> 00:19:10,043
Hello. C.C. Babcock.
332
00:19:10,373 --> 00:19:14,203
Everyone's choice
for Mrs.Sheffield.
333
00:19:14,543 --> 00:19:17,426
Hi, Dr. Brothers.
Good to see you again.
334
00:19:17,459 --> 00:19:21,243
[high-pitched laugh]
335
00:19:21,276 --> 00:19:25,203
You know, I don't want you
to feel any pressure at all
to pick me.
336
00:19:25,543 --> 00:19:27,476
You know,
just because I could
get Mr. Sheffield
337
00:19:27,509 --> 00:19:30,443
to listen
to your score forNuts.
338
00:19:30,476 --> 00:19:32,309
I'm a professional, dear.
339
00:19:32,343 --> 00:19:35,543
You can't play
passive-aggressive
with me.
340
00:19:35,873 --> 00:19:37,203
Oh, well,
what do you say to this?
341
00:19:37,543 --> 00:19:39,476
I got a rich aunt.
There's more where
that came from.
342
00:19:41,543 --> 00:19:42,143
No?
343
00:19:42,176 --> 00:19:45,543
Dr. Brothers,
you don't need her.
344
00:19:45,873 --> 00:19:49,203
I am in show business.
345
00:19:49,543 --> 00:19:53,226
I can arrange
that pitch meeting
with Maxwell.
346
00:19:53,259 --> 00:19:54,376
I promise.
347
00:19:56,703 --> 00:19:59,203
Ma, where did
you come from?
348
00:20:00,259 --> 00:20:03,176
Der Weisse Engel
wouldn't let me in.
349
00:20:03,209 --> 00:20:05,509
The boy had to
help me up the trellis.
350
00:20:09,309 --> 00:20:11,309
The Sheffield line
ends here,okay?
351
00:20:13,293 --> 00:20:16,426
-I wanna come back.
Hide me. Please.
-What... What happened?
352
00:20:16,459 --> 00:20:19,509
I can handle the jacuzzis
and giving the oil massages.
353
00:20:20,043 --> 00:20:22,276
I can suck
on a big toe the size
of a Louisville Slugger.
354
00:20:22,309 --> 00:20:25,226
But I will not do windows.
355
00:20:27,873 --> 00:20:30,143
-[Freida] Nilesy!
-Oh, god. Sasquatch.
356
00:20:34,209 --> 00:20:36,176
[indistinct conversations]
357
00:20:37,476 --> 00:20:41,193
-I heard what they said
about you.
-Quiet!
358
00:20:42,309 --> 00:20:45,226
Trevor,
what the hell is going on
in my house?
359
00:20:45,259 --> 00:20:48,526
I wouldn't know.
I don't get involved
in other people's business.
360
00:20:49,203 --> 00:20:51,176
Well, that's not much
bloody good to me, is it?
361
00:20:52,143 --> 00:20:53,276
You're fired.
362
00:20:55,276 --> 00:20:58,703
-You, you're rehired.
-Do I get a raise?
363
00:20:58,143 --> 00:20:59,526
-No.
-I'll take it.
364
00:21:03,426 --> 00:21:05,426
-Hello.
-Hello.
365
00:21:05,459 --> 00:21:09,443
Ms. Fine, what is
Dr. Joyce Brothers doing
in my sittingroom?
366
00:21:09,476 --> 00:21:12,293
Well, if you must know,
she's here to decide
whether me
367
00:21:12,326 --> 00:21:14,309
or Ms. Babcock
is more right for you.
368
00:21:14,343 --> 00:21:16,176
Not that it's any
of your business.
369
00:21:17,326 --> 00:21:20,373
What? You can't be serious.
370
00:21:20,703 --> 00:21:23,393
Hey, you two have
turned into a couple
of complete morons.
371
00:21:23,426 --> 00:21:25,376
-It was Val's idea.
-It was Val's idea.
372
00:21:27,393 --> 00:21:31,393
Dr. Brothers, I don't know
under what pretense
these two got you here,
373
00:21:31,426 --> 00:21:34,373
but I do apologize
for their lunacy.
374
00:21:34,703 --> 00:21:35,393
No problem.
375
00:21:35,426 --> 00:21:40,543
Act one.
A lone schizophrenic
prostitute sings.
376
00:21:42,176 --> 00:21:44,409
♪ I stabbed a man in the guts ♪
377
00:21:46,159 --> 00:21:48,309
♪Now they're calling me nuts
378
00:21:48,343 --> 00:21:52,143
♪But I can't help it
379
00:22:03,176 --> 00:22:06,143
Yes, and this is the room
where Ms. Bouvier first met
Jack Kennedy.
380
00:22:06,176 --> 00:22:08,359
-Niles!
-Tour's over. No refunds.
381
00:22:21,393 --> 00:22:24,703
[theme music playing]
382
00:22:38,426 --> 00:22:40,376
[theme music ends]
30794
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