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1
00:00:02,793 --> 00:00:04,732
You know, first the hair,
then the husband.
2
00:00:04,752 --> 00:00:08,170
- You hate it.
- I feel judged by this couch.
3
00:00:08,190 --> 00:00:10,155
- It fits in, you have to admit that.
- It does fit in,
4
00:00:10,175 --> 00:00:11,738
- it's incredibly uncomfortable.
- Oh come on.
5
00:00:11,758 --> 00:00:14,518
- Orlando, I'm thrilled.
- Dad, I don't want a tour.
6
00:00:14,538 --> 00:00:16,479
The place I call home, you know
the one I grew up in?
7
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Yeah, you sold to buy this notably
one bedroom cyberloft.
8
00:00:19,896 --> 00:00:22,978
Young people see
themselves as fat and ugly
9
00:00:23,012 --> 00:00:25,984
and old people see
themselves as attractive
10
00:00:26,004 --> 00:00:29,143
when in fact, they are old,
wrinkly and unattractive.
11
00:00:31,000 --> 00:00:37,074
Advertise your product or brand here
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12
00:00:39,286 --> 00:00:42,021
Would you mind if I..
ran in there?
13
00:00:42,041 --> 00:00:44,516
- I, I thought you quit?
- I'm quitting. Quit-ing.
14
00:00:44,536 --> 00:00:46,166
I'm reducing consumption. Would you mind?
15
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Why do you keep asking me?
Of course I mind.
16
00:00:47,789 --> 00:00:50,706
Because I know you do mind and the
humiliation of your judgement might
17
00:00:50,740 --> 00:00:53,141
- help motivate me to stop.
- Be quick.
18
00:01:02,585 --> 00:01:06,483
Do you have any cash? My uh, credit card,
19
00:01:06,503 --> 00:01:08,223
my new credit card hasn't come through
20
00:01:08,257 --> 00:01:11,225
and my... debit card was demagnetised
21
00:01:11,292 --> 00:01:13,227
- by my eel skin wallet.
- Mmhm.
22
00:01:13,294 --> 00:01:16,752
Stupid thing. Why do they even
bother skinning the eels
23
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in the first place? Can't be simple.
24
00:01:25,801 --> 00:01:28,442
- Hello.
- I'd like some cigarettes.
25
00:01:34,852 --> 00:01:37,751
Davina? Davina Davis?
26
00:01:37,917 --> 00:01:42,462
- Uh, yes?
- Ah, it's me. Tracy Vernon.
27
00:01:42,482 --> 00:01:46,036
Well, Tracy Witticker,
from Martin Frobisher High?
28
00:01:46,056 --> 00:01:48,394
- I...
- Oh, you don't remember?
29
00:01:48,462 --> 00:01:51,948
- No.
- Uh, I had a Dorothy Hamill haircut.
30
00:01:51,968 --> 00:01:54,333
Oh, I wore a neck-brace in grade 11.
31
00:01:54,401 --> 00:01:58,066
Oh, Tracy! Tracy, how are you? My God. Hi.
32
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I'm completely forgettable,
33
00:01:59,848 --> 00:02:01,574
- I know.
- Oh, no.
34
00:02:01,642 --> 00:02:03,676
Wow. I can't believe you're here.
35
00:02:03,744 --> 00:02:06,310
I thought you'd be in
Hollywood or something.
36
00:02:06,330 --> 00:02:09,408
- I was in Hollywood, briefly.
- Oh my God.
37
00:02:09,428 --> 00:02:12,151
I bet your life was absolutely amazing.
38
00:02:12,218 --> 00:02:16,747
- Well it's not over yet.
- You're still so beautiful.
39
00:02:16,767 --> 00:02:18,956
- Aw, no.
- Oh no, I remember.
40
00:02:18,976 --> 00:02:23,930
- You always got all the boys.
- I did? Well I...
41
00:02:23,950 --> 00:02:27,708
There was one and oh my God.
Well, he was like a God.
42
00:02:27,728 --> 00:02:30,458
Ah what was his name?
Uh, the butcher's son?
43
00:02:30,478 --> 00:02:33,460
- Mmhm, Frank La Rondi.
- Frank La Rondi!
44
00:02:33,480 --> 00:02:37,431
He was gorgeous.
He looked like a young John Travolta.
45
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Yes, he did.
46
00:02:39,077 --> 00:02:42,079
And he only had eyes for you. Ah! Ha! Ha!
47
00:02:43,949 --> 00:02:46,484
So... what did you end up doing?
48
00:02:46,519 --> 00:02:49,342
Oh well, I was, uh. I was a model.
49
00:02:49,362 --> 00:02:52,589
And I worked mostly in Milan and New York.
50
00:02:52,657 --> 00:02:58,148
Oh, you're killing me.
I wanted that life so badly,
51
00:02:58,168 --> 00:03:01,263
but I was short and ugly, and...
52
00:03:01,283 --> 00:03:04,275
Anyway my parents,
they were all about school.
53
00:03:04,796 --> 00:03:06,704
"Stay in school, you ugly thing!"
54
00:03:06,738 --> 00:03:09,587
- They would yell at me.
- Aw, parents.
55
00:03:09,822 --> 00:03:12,433
Oh no, no. They didn't actually say that.
56
00:03:12,453 --> 00:03:15,276
- It's just what I heard.
- Oh.
57
00:03:15,908 --> 00:03:19,276
Uh, so what, so what did you
end up doing?
58
00:03:19,296 --> 00:03:20,910
Oh, oh.
59
00:03:20,930 --> 00:03:25,087
I'm uh...I'm clinical director of
neurology at Toronto Western hospital.
60
00:03:25,107 --> 00:03:29,493
you're a brain surgeon?
- Yeah. Sort of.
61
00:03:31,118 --> 00:03:35,077
Wow. That's... That's not too bad.
62
00:03:35,362 --> 00:03:38,735
Well, I never got to walk the
catwalk in Paris.
63
00:03:38,755 --> 00:03:42,001
- Oh it was actually Milan, that I...
- Yeah.
64
00:03:42,919 --> 00:03:44,562
- So tell me.
- Yes?
65
00:03:44,582 --> 00:03:47,517
Who did manage to catch you?
66
00:03:47,889 --> 00:03:50,222
- Um.
- Look at this!
67
00:03:50,619 --> 00:03:52,498
Heavily filtered cigarette holder.
68
00:03:52,518 --> 00:03:54,620
You puff and you puff,
you suck and you suck
69
00:03:54,640 --> 00:03:56,093
and you never get any smoke.
70
00:03:56,113 --> 00:03:58,854
And as a bonus,
you look like Harry Truman.
71
00:03:59,828 --> 00:04:02,961
Um, this is uh, this is my husband, Al.
72
00:04:02,981 --> 00:04:04,626
Hello, nice to meet you.
73
00:04:05,064 --> 00:04:07,911
S01E02
The Old Woman
74
00:04:07,931 --> 00:04:11,033
sync and corrected by ninh
www.addic7ed.com
75
00:04:44,764 --> 00:04:46,705
Excuse me? Could you tell me
76
00:04:46,725 --> 00:04:49,013
how much longer it'll be...
who's in charge?
77
00:04:49,033 --> 00:04:51,433
- Um, I'm sorry?
- Well it's obviously not you,
78
00:04:51,453 --> 00:04:53,605
so who is it?
79
00:04:53,625 --> 00:04:57,129
- Uh, he's in there.
- Go and get him. Now.
80
00:05:03,451 --> 00:05:05,384
- What is your name?
- I'm Colin.
81
00:05:05,804 --> 00:05:09,346
I'm not your friend.
What is your last name?
82
00:05:09,366 --> 00:05:12,163
- Powell.
- Colin Powell.
83
00:05:12,183 --> 00:05:14,682
Yeah. How can I help you?
84
00:05:14,702 --> 00:05:17,501
I have been waiting 45 minutes
85
00:05:17,521 --> 00:05:20,012
for a 10 minute appointment.
86
00:05:20,032 --> 00:05:24,035
So by my calculations, you now owe me $330
87
00:05:24,070 --> 00:05:26,372
which is what I would have
made had I been working,
88
00:05:26,439 --> 00:05:30,172
instead of sitting in there,
reading how to recognize
89
00:05:30,192 --> 00:05:33,348
the seven signs of a melanoma.
90
00:05:33,368 --> 00:05:34,747
I'm sorry, but we have...
91
00:05:34,814 --> 00:05:36,770
I will be back here next Monday
92
00:05:36,790 --> 00:05:41,138
and if I am made to wait again,
then I will bill you
93
00:05:41,158 --> 00:05:43,210
for the lost income.
94
00:05:43,230 --> 00:05:47,092
Do you understand that, Colin Powell?
95
00:05:47,160 --> 00:05:49,360
Uh, yes. I do.
96
00:05:50,585 --> 00:05:53,765
- Uh, Sarah? Sarah Thorn?
- Yes?
97
00:05:54,382 --> 00:05:56,852
It's me, Al.
98
00:05:57,199 --> 00:06:01,322
Al Jackson. We had a thing.
A little thing.
99
00:06:01,342 --> 00:06:04,404
Back in, oh God, 35 years ago.
100
00:06:04,424 --> 00:06:07,984
- A thing?
- Yeah we, we went out together.
101
00:06:08,456 --> 00:06:10,615
I had just written my
first book of short fiction
102
00:06:10,635 --> 00:06:13,366
and you interviewed me,
you were working at the...
103
00:06:13,386 --> 00:06:17,151
Alan! Jesus Christ, what happened to you?
104
00:06:17,171 --> 00:06:21,692
Oh, so many things I could go into...
105
00:06:21,726 --> 00:06:24,341
- When did it happen?
- It's difficult to tell.
106
00:06:24,361 --> 00:06:26,389
We think she had the stroke in her sleep.
107
00:06:26,409 --> 00:06:28,958
- The doctor is with her now.
- Is she conscious?
108
00:06:28,978 --> 00:06:31,092
She's in and out. Which is why it's best
109
00:06:31,112 --> 00:06:33,970
you come back when she's stabilized.
110
00:06:33,990 --> 00:06:37,494
I'm sorry,
you've been through this before?
111
00:06:37,866 --> 00:06:39,207
It's her fifth stroke.
112
00:06:39,227 --> 00:06:42,045
Well, the brain is remarkably resilient.
113
00:06:42,079 --> 00:06:44,055
Next time bring some old photographs,
114
00:06:44,075 --> 00:06:48,718
talk to her about the past.
It'll help her. You know?
115
00:06:48,752 --> 00:06:52,134
Ok. Thank you, Carol.
116
00:06:52,295 --> 00:06:55,410
I listen to your show, regularly.
117
00:06:55,430 --> 00:06:58,475
I'm a regular listener.
I sound like a fan.
118
00:06:58,495 --> 00:07:00,597
- Well, I am a fan, you know.
- Thank you.
119
00:07:00,617 --> 00:07:03,612
What's with the, uh, Truman Capote look?
120
00:07:03,632 --> 00:07:06,502
Oh, I uh, I was going for Harry... um.
121
00:07:06,976 --> 00:07:10,946
- It's a filter. I'm trying to quit.
- Oh it looks like an affectation.
122
00:07:10,966 --> 00:07:12,907
- It is an affectation.
- Is it?
123
00:07:12,927 --> 00:07:13,632
Mmhm.
124
00:07:13,652 --> 00:07:17,342
- Oh God, am I a hipster?
- You always made me laugh,
125
00:07:17,362 --> 00:07:20,938
I remember that.
All the stupid things you do.
126
00:07:20,958 --> 00:07:24,586
Ah, me and my charming idiocy.
127
00:07:24,971 --> 00:07:27,868
You, you don't pull any punches.
128
00:07:27,888 --> 00:07:30,058
You're very vicious with
the guests on the show,
129
00:07:30,093 --> 00:07:32,865
all those politicians and poor,
helpless celebrities.
130
00:07:32,885 --> 00:07:36,097
Well I hate arrogance. I hate pretention.
131
00:07:36,164 --> 00:07:38,846
Ah, thank God I was never on the show.
132
00:07:38,866 --> 00:07:41,226
Well, why would you be?
133
00:07:41,246 --> 00:07:45,072
Well I write a little column
for the Toronto register,
134
00:07:45,107 --> 00:07:48,809
kind of pop-culture critique.
People find it quite funny.
135
00:07:49,032 --> 00:07:52,690
I do, and others.
Not to sound arrogant, but.
136
00:07:52,710 --> 00:07:54,651
Why are you here?
137
00:07:55,371 --> 00:07:58,352
I...
Oh, I have a little tickle in my throat,
138
00:07:58,387 --> 00:08:01,088
- I'm afraid it might be cancer.
- A tickle?
139
00:08:01,156 --> 00:08:06,118
Well tickle's not the right word.
More like I sense the hint of a tumour.
140
00:08:06,138 --> 00:08:08,918
It's probably nothing,
but might be devastating.
141
00:08:08,938 --> 00:08:11,276
So they're running some tests. You?
142
00:08:11,296 --> 00:08:16,637
Botox. A tickle of cancer, ha!
You haven't changed.
143
00:08:16,657 --> 00:08:18,510
You were always afraid of everything.
144
00:08:18,530 --> 00:08:21,908
You let your fears control you,
that's what held you back.
145
00:08:22,345 --> 00:08:25,531
- Oh, well...
- 'Course, you were always
146
00:08:25,551 --> 00:08:29,453
a great fuck. I remember that, too.
147
00:08:31,984 --> 00:08:34,154
Well uh, thank you.
148
00:08:35,152 --> 00:08:37,101
You, uh... you too.
149
00:08:47,715 --> 00:08:49,669
(Phone rings)
150
00:08:58,553 --> 00:09:01,270
Hello? Oh, hi.
151
00:09:01,290 --> 00:09:03,463
Uh, no, no, it's good.
152
00:09:03,947 --> 00:09:05,429
Oh, you did?
153
00:09:05,449 --> 00:09:08,894
Oh that's great. Yeah, when?
154
00:09:09,229 --> 00:09:12,418
Ok, well I'll just run it
by the old ball and chain.
155
00:09:12,438 --> 00:09:16,866
The old... ball and chain. My, my wife.
156
00:09:16,886 --> 00:09:20,211
No, no, no, she is. I know.
Yes, yes I'm sure. Yeah.
157
00:09:20,231 --> 00:09:22,159
So where?
158
00:09:22,482 --> 00:09:26,118
Uh, ok. I'll see you in an hour.
159
00:09:26,838 --> 00:09:29,069
Ok, thank you. Bye.
160
00:09:30,558 --> 00:09:34,000
Shit. That was Sarah Thorn,
you know of urban warfare,
161
00:09:34,020 --> 00:09:39,208
CKBD Radio? She read my stuff,
she wants me on the show.
162
00:09:39,228 --> 00:09:41,536
- Well that's great.
- Shit.
163
00:09:41,556 --> 00:09:44,490
- Why do you keep saying shit?
- Well you've heard her.
164
00:09:44,510 --> 00:09:46,581
She eviscerates everyone
who comes on the show.
165
00:09:46,601 --> 00:09:49,493
- Not everyone.
- Well no, only those who show fear.
166
00:09:49,528 --> 00:09:52,128
She wants me to meet her for lunch,
do you mind?
167
00:09:52,148 --> 00:09:54,411
You're asking my permission again. Why?
168
00:09:54,431 --> 00:09:57,902
- Well, because of your mother.
- Well... I'm alright.
169
00:09:57,936 --> 00:10:00,103
Anyway I'm going to
have lunch with Orlando.
170
00:10:00,138 --> 00:10:01,782
- Uh huh.
- He's gonna give me
171
00:10:01,802 --> 00:10:04,872
- the death talk again.
- Well don't let him upset you.
172
00:10:04,892 --> 00:10:06,759
He will though, that's his thing.
173
00:10:06,779 --> 00:10:08,720
Remember when my Uncle Peter died
174
00:10:08,740 --> 00:10:11,549
and he gave us that bosch print?
175
00:10:11,569 --> 00:10:13,965
Could I borrow a little more money?
My credit card
176
00:10:13,985 --> 00:10:15,913
- hasn't come through yet.
- How much?
177
00:10:15,933 --> 00:10:19,185
Well, lunch is at that place on king.
Food...
178
00:10:19,205 --> 00:10:20,878
- 80?
- 80, seriously?
179
00:10:20,898 --> 00:10:22,124
Oh, 100 with tip.
180
00:10:22,144 --> 00:10:24,727
Just because they deconstruct
a sandwich and serve it
181
00:10:24,762 --> 00:10:26,429
in a shot glass doesn't
mean they can charge
182
00:10:26,463 --> 00:10:28,598
four times the price. I will take 80.
183
00:10:28,632 --> 00:10:31,668
- Better take 100.
- Thank you.
184
00:10:31,688 --> 00:10:35,085
- Traffic will be bad.
- Which is why I'm going to take
185
00:10:35,105 --> 00:10:38,407
the streetcar.
That's the glory of living downtown.
186
00:10:38,475 --> 00:10:41,051
Public transit at your doorstep.
Good for the environment,
187
00:10:41,071 --> 00:10:43,471
good for your soul.
188
00:10:47,082 --> 00:10:49,179
Wish me luck!
189
00:10:52,645 --> 00:10:54,966
Ah, there he is.
190
00:10:56,107 --> 00:10:58,594
Frank La Rondi.
191
00:11:05,051 --> 00:11:08,426
'Scuse me, is this normal?
It's been 20 minutes.
192
00:11:08,446 --> 00:11:10,474
Well yeah, it never comes.
193
00:11:10,494 --> 00:11:12,066
What do you mean it never comes?
194
00:11:12,086 --> 00:11:13,978
Heh. It never comes.
You wait, and you wait,
195
00:11:13,998 --> 00:11:16,546
and you wait, and it never comes.
196
00:11:16,566 --> 00:11:18,948
- It's a joke.
- Well it must come eventually,
197
00:11:18,968 --> 00:11:20,648
there are tracks here.
198
00:11:20,668 --> 00:11:23,999
See, here's the thing.
Yuppies from the burbs,
199
00:11:24,019 --> 00:11:27,480
they come here and they move
into their high-price glass boxes
200
00:11:27,500 --> 00:11:30,396
now the core is crammed
full with these rich idiots
201
00:11:30,416 --> 00:11:32,860
and, naaa, it doesn't function anymore.
202
00:11:32,894 --> 00:11:36,497
Ok. Fine. I'll, uh, walk.
203
00:11:45,546 --> 00:11:47,110
Booth?
204
00:11:57,711 --> 00:12:01,024
It's supposed to be tomato, mozzarella
205
00:12:01,044 --> 00:12:03,983
basil leaves with just
a drizzle of olive oil.
206
00:12:04,003 --> 00:12:07,093
It is the chef's interpretation
of a caprese salad.
207
00:12:07,128 --> 00:12:09,335
Well it's a misinterpretation, then.
208
00:12:09,355 --> 00:12:12,214
Mango? Has he been to Capri?
209
00:12:12,234 --> 00:12:14,665
Does he have fond memories
of sitting underneath
210
00:12:14,685 --> 00:12:17,705
the mango trees there?
Because I'll tell you right now,
211
00:12:17,725 --> 00:12:21,355
he was in Jamaica and he was high.
212
00:12:22,210 --> 00:12:23,798
Hi, I'm sorry I'm late, I...
213
00:12:23,818 --> 00:12:27,547
Don't worry about it,
we're skipping the appetizers anyway.
214
00:12:29,409 --> 00:12:31,692
Well we all die, it's inevitable.
215
00:12:31,712 --> 00:12:33,839
- She's not dead.
- Oh, for chrissakes,
216
00:12:33,859 --> 00:12:36,511
she's as good as dead.
I mean, let's face it.
217
00:12:36,531 --> 00:12:38,174
I'm just saying it's natural, you know.
218
00:12:38,194 --> 00:12:40,941
We start dying as soon as we're born.
If you think about it,
219
00:12:40,961 --> 00:12:43,386
it's amazing our hearts
beat as long as they do.
220
00:12:43,406 --> 00:12:45,685
Well you were never
particularly ambitious.
221
00:12:45,686 --> 00:12:47,131
I welcome death.
222
00:12:47,132 --> 00:12:50,168
It's the only way to remove its power.
Bring on the empty chilling
223
00:12:50,203 --> 00:12:51,906
silence of death. Bring it on.
224
00:12:51,926 --> 00:12:53,929
Well you should be a grief counselor,
you have a gift.
225
00:12:53,949 --> 00:12:56,261
Oh ok. Would you like me to speak
about heaven? Because you know
226
00:12:56,281 --> 00:12:57,941
if there's a heaven,
that means there's a hell
227
00:12:57,961 --> 00:12:59,463
and I don't want to think about that.
228
00:12:59,483 --> 00:13:02,517
Do you remember the bosch prints?
No, I'm a realist.
229
00:13:02,537 --> 00:13:04,937
You should be, too.
When you're gone, you're gone.
230
00:13:04,957 --> 00:13:06,841
That's it. God, imagine that.
231
00:13:06,861 --> 00:13:10,254
- No more Orlando.
- Mmm, imagine that.
232
00:13:10,703 --> 00:13:12,328
Oh, that would a relief to you, I suppose?
233
00:13:12,348 --> 00:13:13,967
One less lunch a month to pay for?
234
00:13:13,987 --> 00:13:15,629
- What is with that accent?
- What's up?
235
00:13:15,649 --> 00:13:17,844
That accent, what is it?
Pretend British?
236
00:13:17,864 --> 00:13:19,060
It's Larry's idea.
237
00:13:19,080 --> 00:13:20,363
- Who's Larry?
- He's my healer therapist.
238
00:13:20,383 --> 00:13:22,137
Healer therapist? Since when?
239
00:13:22,157 --> 00:13:24,003
Since I started sorting out my life.
240
00:13:24,023 --> 00:13:26,473
Oh God. What's next?
T-shirts for me and your father
241
00:13:26,493 --> 00:13:28,309
that say "we failed"
written on the front of it?
242
00:13:28,329 --> 00:13:31,101
- He's just encouraging me to self-create.
- To what?
243
00:13:31,121 --> 00:13:33,929
To self-create.
Create myself, re-create myself.
244
00:13:33,949 --> 00:13:36,580
Because we screwed it up so
badly the first time round?
245
00:13:36,600 --> 00:13:38,577
Would you like me to say yes?
Is that the word you'd like to hear?
246
00:13:38,597 --> 00:13:41,643
Because I'm prepared to answer
that question definitively.
247
00:13:41,663 --> 00:13:43,033
But that would be petty.
- Mmm-hmm.
248
00:13:43,053 --> 00:13:45,192
Point is, we all die. When the end comes,
249
00:13:45,212 --> 00:13:47,259
we may as well be comfortable
in our own skin otherwise
250
00:13:47,326 --> 00:13:49,593
what the hell's the point of any of this?
Right? Good.
251
00:13:51,653 --> 00:13:53,490
There's bacon in that.
252
00:13:55,177 --> 00:13:57,652
- And that's it, we'll chat.
- Chat, chat.
253
00:13:57,672 --> 00:13:59,861
Yeah, chat about the world,
what's going on.
254
00:13:59,881 --> 00:14:03,319
Exchange a half a dozen or so
witty observations, you know.
255
00:14:03,339 --> 00:14:05,900
And then that's it. How about Friday?
256
00:14:05,920 --> 00:14:09,412
Ok, sure. Uh, wow.
That's only two days away.
257
00:14:09,432 --> 00:14:11,478
Is there a problem with that?
258
00:14:11,498 --> 00:14:15,573
No, no no. Of course. Ok, great.
259
00:14:15,593 --> 00:14:17,980
Wow, you just do,
you don't hesitate, you just do.
260
00:14:18,000 --> 00:14:20,735
- Ha! Ha!
- Ahem, you're short.
261
00:14:20,755 --> 00:14:23,901
- Uh, what?
- The bill is $83.65,
262
00:14:23,921 --> 00:14:28,314
- you've given me 80.
- Oh, sorry. Um, ah.
263
00:14:29,456 --> 00:14:33,407
No wait.
I only had 100 in my wallet and it's gone
264
00:14:33,427 --> 00:14:35,827
so I must have given you five 20's.
265
00:14:35,847 --> 00:14:37,961
No, no, no. You gave me four 20's.
266
00:14:37,981 --> 00:14:41,895
No. I definitely put 100 in there
because that's all the money I had.
267
00:14:41,915 --> 00:14:44,581
This is about that caprese salad remark,
isn't it.
268
00:14:44,615 --> 00:14:47,860
- No, he's short, that's all.
- No, that is not all.
269
00:14:47,880 --> 00:14:50,143
- I don't think you understand.
- I think I do understand.
270
00:14:50,163 --> 00:14:52,377
No, you don't and I'll tell you why.
271
00:14:52,397 --> 00:14:54,987
If you continue to try to defraud us,
272
00:14:55,007 --> 00:14:57,059
I'll have to have a chat with your boss.
273
00:14:57,079 --> 00:15:00,000
And then you'll be fired
and your desperate attempt
274
00:15:00,020 --> 00:15:03,676
to find new employment in this
economy will catch the eye
275
00:15:03,696 --> 00:15:06,741
of immigration and one morning,
a rather humourless man
276
00:15:06,761 --> 00:15:10,104
will show up on your doorstep
and take you to the airport.
277
00:15:10,124 --> 00:15:13,232
And as you're sitting there waiting
to be deported you'll think, "oh,
278
00:15:13,252 --> 00:15:16,040
I could really use a latte right now."
279
00:15:16,060 --> 00:15:19,179
Because a latte's gonna be so hard to find
280
00:15:19,199 --> 00:15:23,511
in my war-torn homeland.
That is the very moment,
281
00:15:23,531 --> 00:15:26,775
as you slap your pockets and
realize that you don't have
282
00:15:26,795 --> 00:15:30,287
a fucking penny to your name.
283
00:15:30,307 --> 00:15:33,246
That's when you'll truly understand
284
00:15:33,266 --> 00:15:36,489
what it is to be short.
285
00:15:38,809 --> 00:15:40,447
The soup was great.
286
00:15:42,681 --> 00:15:45,729
(Sarah):
Well if you put down the croquet mallet,
287
00:15:45,749 --> 00:15:50,060
took off the lense-less glasses
and really looked at the world,
288
00:15:50,080 --> 00:15:52,492
you would see that your particular brand
289
00:15:52,512 --> 00:15:57,050
of pointless irony is
not a lifestyle choice,
290
00:15:57,084 --> 00:16:00,484
- as you put it, but a headlong...
- She's terrifying.
291
00:16:00,504 --> 00:16:02,021
So what happened to the cigarette holder?
292
00:16:02,041 --> 00:16:04,022
Oh, people were assuming it was
an affectation.
293
00:16:04,057 --> 00:16:06,024
- It wasn't?
- See?
294
00:16:06,059 --> 00:16:08,026
Anyway that was the last one, I promise.
295
00:16:08,094 --> 00:16:11,997
Oh God, she's tough.
You know where it comes from?
296
00:16:12,065 --> 00:16:16,453
Complete confidence in herself.
I so admire that.
297
00:16:16,473 --> 00:16:19,337
- She's going to humiliate me.
- Yeah...
298
00:16:21,656 --> 00:16:24,610
- How's your mother?
- Oh, in and out.
299
00:16:24,630 --> 00:16:27,212
I'm going to see her
on Friday just in case.
300
00:16:27,279 --> 00:16:28,862
Oh, should I...? Do you want me to...
301
00:16:28,882 --> 00:16:30,785
Oh no, there's no point.
She didn't recognize you
302
00:16:30,805 --> 00:16:32,349
the last time, she thought you were...
303
00:16:32,369 --> 00:16:35,948
Cesar Romero.
Yeah, it was funny in a sad kind of way.
304
00:16:36,522 --> 00:16:39,457
Orlando says it's amazing
our hearts beat this long.
305
00:16:39,491 --> 00:16:42,493
I think I have to come out swinging.
306
00:16:42,561 --> 00:16:45,014
I have to throw the first punch,
I have to show her
307
00:16:45,034 --> 00:16:47,707
that I'm strong or she'll eat me alive.
308
00:16:47,727 --> 00:16:50,801
I'm just going to run out and grab, uh...
309
00:16:50,869 --> 00:16:54,785
last time.
Do you have any cash, dearest?
310
00:16:55,604 --> 00:16:59,744
You know, what Orlando said was
beyond insensitive.
311
00:16:59,811 --> 00:17:01,879
You should have slapped him in the face.
312
00:17:01,947 --> 00:17:04,079
Well, he's wrestling with it too,
you know.
313
00:17:04,099 --> 00:17:08,852
You're afraid of him.
You're controlled by your fears.
314
00:17:08,919 --> 00:17:11,587
We both are.
That's what's holding us back.
315
00:17:18,301 --> 00:17:20,669
Oh, shit.
316
00:17:21,947 --> 00:17:23,767
Never mind.
317
00:17:55,341 --> 00:17:57,307
She's still unconscious,
she has been for 48 hours.
318
00:17:57,327 --> 00:17:59,032
Oh, I was told that she was in and out.
319
00:17:59,052 --> 00:18:00,769
- No, who told you that? Carol?
- Yes...
320
00:18:00,789 --> 00:18:02,343
No, she's just been out, not in at all.
321
00:18:02,363 --> 00:18:04,402
- Oh well that's disappointing.
- Well she's had five strokes
322
00:18:04,422 --> 00:18:06,301
over the past year and
strokes take their toll.
323
00:18:06,321 --> 00:18:07,914
- Yes,...
- That's a lot of damage
324
00:18:07,934 --> 00:18:09,552
to the brain tissue.
- I understand.
325
00:18:09,572 --> 00:18:11,615
Blood tears through the synapses,
there's nothing we can do.
326
00:18:11,635 --> 00:18:12,869
Carol should have told you.
327
00:18:12,889 --> 00:18:16,058
I'm not trying to blame you,
I'm just disappointed.
328
00:18:16,078 --> 00:18:19,230
Right... would you like to see her anyway?
329
00:18:19,250 --> 00:18:22,190
- Of course I would, yes.
- Alright.
330
00:18:28,701 --> 00:18:30,860
- Alan!
- Hi.
331
00:18:30,880 --> 00:18:33,206
- Are you all ready?
- Oh I'm ready, let's do it.
332
00:18:33,226 --> 00:18:35,667
Ha! Ha! Ok.
333
00:18:37,491 --> 00:18:38,943
- That was, um...
- Alright, come on.
334
00:18:38,963 --> 00:18:42,778
He's a pop culture critic,
he writes a very funny column
335
00:18:42,798 --> 00:18:45,847
for the Toronto Register
and here he is looking
336
00:18:45,881 --> 00:18:49,115
very, very handsome in his
Herringbone tweed,
337
00:18:49,150 --> 00:18:51,785
- Alan Jackson.
- Hello, Sarah.
338
00:18:51,820 --> 00:18:54,296
And you're looking sufficiently botoxed.
339
00:18:54,316 --> 00:18:56,227
- Excuse me?
- For listeners at home,
340
00:18:56,247 --> 00:18:58,994
I should explain that her face
has been chemically paralysed
341
00:18:59,014 --> 00:19:01,339
into a neutral mask.
342
00:19:01,359 --> 00:19:05,439
Uh, Alan! You recently wrote a column
343
00:19:05,459 --> 00:19:08,065
- defending penny loafers.
- Did you find that one funny?
344
00:19:08,085 --> 00:19:10,803
- Yes, I did.
- Well, that means nothing to me.
345
00:19:10,838 --> 00:19:12,805
I don't exist for you amusement.
346
00:19:12,840 --> 00:19:15,408
Anyway I'm surprised you're
still physically capable
347
00:19:15,442 --> 00:19:17,831
of laughter.
Are those muscles still active?
348
00:19:17,851 --> 00:19:20,300
Or when you find something funny,
does your mouth
349
00:19:20,320 --> 00:19:23,282
just drop open like the
ghost of Jacob Marley?
350
00:19:23,554 --> 00:19:26,731
Here's you and dad. Wedding day!
351
00:19:28,183 --> 00:19:30,206
So handsome.
352
00:19:30,529 --> 00:19:33,140
I always loved that polka-dot dress.
353
00:19:36,068 --> 00:19:38,873
Ah, here's me. In a show.
354
00:19:42,681 --> 00:19:45,994
Oh, do you remember Frank?
355
00:19:46,801 --> 00:19:48,451
We dated for a while.
356
00:19:48,471 --> 00:19:51,210
He used to work in his father's
butcher shop, but he hated it.
357
00:19:52,013 --> 00:19:54,766
He wanted to be a marine biologist.
358
00:19:55,970 --> 00:19:57,724
Sure liked to swim.
359
00:19:58,638 --> 00:20:01,211
(Sighs) What else?
360
00:20:01,231 --> 00:20:02,821
I'm a little bit fascinated
361
00:20:02,889 --> 00:20:05,385
by what you do for a living:
Rape journalism.
362
00:20:05,405 --> 00:20:07,692
It's core component is humiliation.
363
00:20:07,712 --> 00:20:10,627
Now I'm not so interested in
the psychology of the audience
364
00:20:10,647 --> 00:20:13,233
as I am in the pathology
of the practitioner.
365
00:20:13,253 --> 00:20:16,916
Because if we were able to
identify early behavioural
366
00:20:16,936 --> 00:20:19,957
aberrations...
a toddler trapping and humiliating
367
00:20:19,977 --> 00:20:21,372
her stuffed animals for instance...
368
00:20:21,392 --> 00:20:24,842
we might be able to stream
potential rape journalists
369
00:20:24,910 --> 00:20:27,745
into specifically designed
re-training programs.
370
00:20:27,779 --> 00:20:31,842
We are going to have to take
a short commercial break.
371
00:20:31,862 --> 00:20:35,316
But don't worry,
we'll be right back with Al Jackson
372
00:20:35,336 --> 00:20:38,369
and his worldview.
373
00:20:38,790 --> 00:20:41,960
What in the hell are you doing?
374
00:20:41,980 --> 00:20:45,862
- It's a first strike tactic.
- Against who?
375
00:20:46,030 --> 00:20:49,333
Against you.
You're going to eviscerate me, aren't you?
376
00:20:49,367 --> 00:20:51,403
You're not a corrupt politician, are you?
377
00:20:51,423 --> 00:20:53,503
You're not some b-grade celebrity
378
00:20:53,537 --> 00:20:57,335
pushing some potentially fatal diet,
are you?
379
00:20:57,355 --> 00:21:01,377
- N... no.
- No. You're a humourist.
380
00:21:01,411 --> 00:21:03,155
At least, that's what I thought you were.
381
00:21:03,175 --> 00:21:05,463
I am. I am.
382
00:21:05,483 --> 00:21:08,909
You totally misread this situation, Alan.
383
00:21:08,929 --> 00:21:11,937
I didn't have you on
here to eviscerate you.
384
00:21:11,957 --> 00:21:15,714
I had you on here because
you're slightly amusing.
385
00:21:15,734 --> 00:21:20,931
And... I thought it might
be fun to fuck you again.
386
00:21:21,787 --> 00:21:23,921
What? What?
387
00:21:23,941 --> 00:21:26,254
And we are back.
388
00:21:26,274 --> 00:21:30,506
So, Alan Jackson,
you stand up for penny loafers
389
00:21:30,540 --> 00:21:33,074
and stand up in penny loafers, I assume...
390
00:21:33,255 --> 00:21:35,390
We're liking the new neighbourhood.
391
00:21:35,410 --> 00:21:38,597
Parking's a problem,
so we're walking more.
392
00:21:38,617 --> 00:21:42,134
And we're getting used to the loft.
It's nice but it's...
393
00:21:42,154 --> 00:21:44,504
It's very open.
394
00:21:44,901 --> 00:21:47,147
Privacy's an issue.
395
00:21:47,631 --> 00:21:52,527
Not that I wanted to hide from Al,
but sometimes I do.
396
00:21:52,689 --> 00:21:57,082
Not hide, but I wanna be alone, I mean.
397
00:21:59,448 --> 00:22:02,637
I'm spending more time in the bathroom.
398
00:22:03,444 --> 00:22:06,534
Maybe I am hiding.
399
00:22:07,589 --> 00:22:10,912
It depends how you define hide.
400
00:22:11,169 --> 00:22:14,615
Oh it's hiding, don't kid yourself.
401
00:22:15,178 --> 00:22:16,096
Excuse me?
402
00:22:16,116 --> 00:22:20,220
I used to hide from my husband.
In the basement.
403
00:22:20,551 --> 00:22:23,347
I told him I was making candles.
404
00:22:23,367 --> 00:22:26,913
Well, I was, really.
But nothing I was doing
405
00:22:26,933 --> 00:22:28,295
took anywhere near the amount of time...
406
00:22:28,315 --> 00:22:30,597
- um...
- I claimed it did.
407
00:22:30,631 --> 00:22:34,401
It just... melt the wax.
Pour it into moulds
408
00:22:34,436 --> 00:22:37,938
and then sit and waaaait.
Until it gets hard.
409
00:22:37,972 --> 00:22:41,608
- That's... that's nice.
- It is not nice!
410
00:22:41,676 --> 00:22:45,111
It's horrible.
The candles were just a ploy.
411
00:22:45,179 --> 00:22:47,948
I would like to spend a
little time with my mother
412
00:22:47,982 --> 00:22:50,023
- if you, if you don't mind.
- She can't process what
413
00:22:50,043 --> 00:22:53,760
you're saying to her because
of her brain damage. Ha! Ha!
414
00:22:53,780 --> 00:22:56,689
My God! Whatever happened to sensitivity?
415
00:22:56,756 --> 00:22:59,481
I'm too old for sensitivity, my dear.
416
00:22:59,741 --> 00:23:01,060
I'm at death's door.
417
00:23:01,095 --> 00:23:03,478
Well, well that's fine.
But my mother here,
418
00:23:03,498 --> 00:23:06,977
she's had five strokes and
I am upset about that, ok?
419
00:23:06,997 --> 00:23:10,436
I mean, she's at death's door, too.
420
00:23:10,504 --> 00:23:14,493
Oh! Ho! We all are, my dear.
It's just that,
421
00:23:14,513 --> 00:23:18,236
some of us have our hand on the doorknob,
as it were.
422
00:23:18,256 --> 00:23:20,730
Ha... ha... you sound like my son.
423
00:23:20,750 --> 00:23:23,749
Oh, Orlando.
424
00:23:24,002 --> 00:23:26,476
He should be medicated,
if you want my opinion.
425
00:23:26,496 --> 00:23:27,923
How do you know about him?
426
00:23:27,943 --> 00:23:32,122
You cannot be responsible
for someone else's happiness.
427
00:23:32,142 --> 00:23:34,559
Only your own.
428
00:23:34,627 --> 00:23:36,599
Well, I'm happy enough.
429
00:23:36,619 --> 00:23:40,160
Ohhhh! Go make a candle.
430
00:23:40,180 --> 00:23:42,928
Who do you think you are?
I'm... I am trying
431
00:23:42,948 --> 00:23:47,947
to have what might very well be
the last conversation I ever...
432
00:23:47,967 --> 00:23:49,692
(wheezes) (Heart monitor flat line)
433
00:23:49,712 --> 00:23:52,571
And now, I'm dead.
434
00:23:52,945 --> 00:23:55,939
See how quickly it can happen?
435
00:24:10,562 --> 00:24:12,396
Look, my dear.
436
00:24:12,430 --> 00:24:16,867
If happy enough is good enough for you,
then relax.
437
00:24:17,215 --> 00:24:20,491
Put a TV in the bathroom
so you have something to do
438
00:24:20,511 --> 00:24:25,616
while you're hiding.
But I suggest you find out
439
00:24:25,636 --> 00:24:29,422
what you want and get it
440
00:24:29,442 --> 00:24:32,115
as quickly as possible.
441
00:24:32,135 --> 00:24:36,252
We're all at death's door, my dear.
442
00:24:58,876 --> 00:25:00,960
So... what about it?
443
00:25:00,980 --> 00:25:03,777
- Uh, what about what?
- Do you want
444
00:25:03,797 --> 00:25:07,516
to go somewhere and screw?
- Oh ah...
445
00:25:07,550 --> 00:25:09,951
I live just about 20
minutes from here by cab.
446
00:25:09,985 --> 00:25:12,621
But, I've got a 4 o'clock meeting.
So, if we're going
447
00:25:12,655 --> 00:25:14,623
to do something,
we're going to have to do it now.
448
00:25:14,657 --> 00:25:18,666
I am... I am...
screwing someone, thank you.
449
00:25:18,686 --> 00:25:21,896
And I have been screwing
them for many years now
450
00:25:21,931 --> 00:25:25,496
and well, it's kind of an
exclusive thing. So...
451
00:25:25,516 --> 00:25:28,593
Ok. All right. Bye bye, now.
452
00:25:29,015 --> 00:25:31,139
Ok. Any chance at
another shot at the show?
453
00:25:31,207 --> 00:25:34,839
Oh no, no.
This was... All about sex. Ha! Ha!
454
00:25:34,859 --> 00:25:37,184
Ok. Bye.
455
00:26:23,467 --> 00:26:26,694
- What can I get you?
- Um...
456
00:26:27,103 --> 00:26:31,344
A quarter pound of ground beef, please.
457
00:26:31,364 --> 00:26:34,366
- E... extra lean.
- Ok.
458
00:27:09,822 --> 00:27:12,043
(Cellphone rings)
459
00:27:15,357 --> 00:27:18,497
- Hey.
- Hey, how did it go?
460
00:27:18,517 --> 00:27:20,712
Mmm, not so good.
461
00:27:20,855 --> 00:27:22,915
It was a, a one-sided conversation
462
00:27:23,386 --> 00:27:25,657
How did, how did the show go?
463
00:27:25,677 --> 00:27:30,599
Oh... I came off as insane. I adjusted.
464
00:27:30,619 --> 00:27:32,623
I'm sure it sounded
like my meds kicked in
465
00:27:32,643 --> 00:27:36,531
about halfway through.
I completely misjudged the situation.
466
00:27:36,551 --> 00:27:38,358
I'm an idiot, basically.
467
00:27:38,378 --> 00:27:41,646
And I think my cancer
tickle's getting worse
468
00:27:42,366 --> 00:27:44,240
Hey, you know that thing I said
469
00:27:44,260 --> 00:27:47,007
about us being held back by our fears?
470
00:27:47,950 --> 00:27:50,144
Well, I'm glad.
471
00:27:50,164 --> 00:27:53,076
It means we can keep up with each other.
472
00:27:53,495 --> 00:27:55,753
I love you.
473
00:27:58,618 --> 00:28:00,751
I'll be home soon.
474
00:28:17,188 --> 00:28:20,961
sync and corrected by ninh
www.addic7ed.com
475
00:28:21,305 --> 00:28:27,910
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