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1
00:00:03,226 --> 00:00:06,176
Maggie, what is that
you're wearing?
2
00:00:06,209 --> 00:00:09,376
I can't let you leave the
house
in that short little top.
3
00:00:09,409 --> 00:00:13,193
- Mr. Sheffield's not here.
- It's gorgeous.
4
00:00:14,293 --> 00:00:16,376
Don't make a stain.
I want to borrow.
5
00:00:18,873 --> 00:00:21,203
-Where is he?
-Oh, he's speaking
at Brighton's career day.
6
00:00:21,543 --> 00:00:23,873
I suppose they'll ask me
to speak when they have
7
00:00:23,159 --> 00:00:24,459
"Don't let this happen
to you," day.
8
00:00:24,493 --> 00:00:26,243
Aw.
9
00:00:27,243 --> 00:00:28,426
Hello, everyone.
10
00:00:28,459 --> 00:00:31,509
- Oh, so how'd it go?
- Oh, it was smashing.
11
00:00:32,043 --> 00:00:34,243
I reenacted
the history of musical
theater,
12
00:00:34,276 --> 00:00:35,459
from its operatic beginnings
13
00:00:35,493 --> 00:00:38,409
right through bring in da
noise,
bring in da punk.
14
00:00:38,443 --> 00:00:41,393
Oh, that must have
brought down da house.
15
00:00:41,426 --> 00:00:45,193
So did your old man deliver
or what, hey?
16
00:00:45,226 --> 00:00:47,143
Oh, look, I've got
that CD you wanted.
17
00:00:47,176 --> 00:00:49,176
There you go, Pearl Bailey.
18
00:00:49,209 --> 00:00:51,873
Pearl Bailey, cool.
19
00:00:51,159 --> 00:00:54,343
Hey, now I can
exchange it for Pearl Jam.
20
00:00:56,459 --> 00:00:58,193
I don't understand him,
Miss Fine.
21
00:00:58,226 --> 00:00:59,526
Brighton used to worship me.
22
00:01:00,203 --> 00:01:01,243
When?
23
00:01:02,443 --> 00:01:04,176
Oh, Mr. Sheffield,
24
00:01:04,209 --> 00:01:06,426
the boy's
just going through a phase.
25
00:01:06,459 --> 00:01:08,326
I remember myself
there was a time
26
00:01:08,359 --> 00:01:10,393
when I didn't even want to
speak to my mother.
27
00:01:10,426 --> 00:01:12,176
[PHONE RINGING]
28
00:01:12,209 --> 00:01:14,243
Then eventually you outgrow it.
29
00:01:14,276 --> 00:01:16,243
Ms. Fine, it's your mother
on the phone.
30
00:01:16,276 --> 00:01:17,526
Tell her I'm not here.
31
00:01:19,276 --> 00:01:21,143
Hello. Hello.
32
00:01:21,176 --> 00:01:24,873
C.C., how did Jay Leno
like our opening number?
33
00:01:24,159 --> 00:01:26,703
Loved it. We are this close
34
00:01:26,143 --> 00:01:27,376
to booking it on
The Tonight Show.
35
00:01:27,409 --> 00:01:30,703
We had an instant rapport.
36
00:01:30,143 --> 00:01:33,409
He had his dog Harley with him
and I had this little fellow.
37
00:01:33,443 --> 00:01:35,409
The hat?
38
00:01:35,443 --> 00:01:39,176
Oh, my God.
Do you know what this means?
39
00:01:39,209 --> 00:01:41,476
If this isn't my dog,
40
00:01:41,509 --> 00:01:45,476
I could have left
this valuable hat in the
cab.
41
00:01:47,543 --> 00:01:48,259
[DOORBELL RINGS]
42
00:01:51,443 --> 00:01:54,359
Was this supposed to be a tip?
43
00:01:55,393 --> 00:01:57,703
Why did you come back?
44
00:01:57,143 --> 00:01:58,426
Four martinis, and she'd be
45
00:01:58,459 --> 00:02:01,373
walking that hat
all over New York.
46
00:02:03,259 --> 00:02:06,243
Now here's the deal:
Leno's hotel doesn't accept
dogs
47
00:02:06,276 --> 00:02:07,426
and he refuses to board.
48
00:02:07,459 --> 00:02:10,293
I don't know why,
Chester loves the kennel.
49
00:02:10,326 --> 00:02:11,459
When I come to take him home,
50
00:02:11,493 --> 00:02:14,309
he just hangs onto
the little bars for dear
life.
51
00:02:15,343 --> 00:02:17,873
C.C., you're not telling me
52
00:02:17,159 --> 00:02:20,043
you've offered to take care
of Jay Leno's dog?
53
00:02:20,373 --> 00:02:23,243
It's bad enough having your dog
here, always begging to go out,
54
00:02:23,276 --> 00:02:25,873
jumping into my lap,
55
00:02:25,159 --> 00:02:27,276
rubbing up against me
all the time.
56
00:02:27,309 --> 00:02:29,159
Shh!
57
00:02:30,209 --> 00:02:32,476
Does everybody need to know
our business?
58
00:02:35,509 --> 00:02:37,493
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
59
00:02:37,526 --> 00:02:40,393
♪♪ She was workingin a bridal shopin Flushing, Queens ♪♪
60
00:02:40,426 --> 00:02:42,873
♪♪ 'Til her boyfriendkicked her out ♪♪
61
00:02:42,159 --> 00:02:43,376
♪♪ in one of thosecrushing scenes ♪♪
62
00:02:43,409 --> 00:02:45,409
♪♪ What was she to do?Where was she to go? ♪♪
63
00:02:45,443 --> 00:02:48,393
♪♪ She was out on her fanny ♪♪
64
00:02:48,426 --> 00:02:51,293
♪♪ So over the bridgefrom Flushing to theSheffield's door ♪♪
65
00:02:51,326 --> 00:02:53,526
♪♪ She was thereto sell makeup,but the father saw more ♪♪
66
00:02:54,203 --> 00:02:56,176
♪♪ She had style!She had flair!She was there! ♪♪
67
00:02:56,209 --> 00:02:59,526
♪♪ That's howshe became the nanny! ♪♪
68
00:03:00,203 --> 00:03:02,476
♪♪ Who would have guessed thatthe girl we've described ♪♪
69
00:03:02,509 --> 00:03:05,143
♪♪ was just exactly whatthe doctor prescribed? ♪♪
70
00:03:05,176 --> 00:03:06,426
♪♪ Now the fatherfinds her beguiling ♪♪
71
00:03:06,459 --> 00:03:08,159
♪♪ Watch out, C.C.! ♪♪
72
00:03:08,193 --> 00:03:09,259
♪♪ And the kidsare actually smiling ♪♪
73
00:03:09,293 --> 00:03:10,476
♪♪ Such joie de vivre! ♪♪
74
00:03:10,509 --> 00:03:12,176
♪♪ She's the lady in red ♪♪
75
00:03:12,209 --> 00:03:16,243
♪♪ when everybody elseis wearing tan ♪♪
76
00:03:16,276 --> 00:03:18,343
♪♪ The flashy girlfrom Flushing ♪♪
77
00:03:18,376 --> 00:03:20,143
♪♪ The nanny named Fran! ♪♪
78
00:03:22,873 --> 00:03:24,476
[MUSIC PLAYING]
79
00:03:24,509 --> 00:03:27,703
Oh, Ms. Fine, I do appreciate
80
00:03:27,143 --> 00:03:29,176
you taking care of
Jay Leno's dog,
81
00:03:29,209 --> 00:03:31,393
what with your busy schedule
and all.
82
00:03:31,426 --> 00:03:34,476
You know, I don't appreciate
you taking a potshot at me.
83
00:03:34,509 --> 00:03:36,309
I mean, I work very hard
around here.
84
00:03:36,343 --> 00:03:39,309
- I was being serious.
- You're kidding?
85
00:03:41,043 --> 00:03:43,309
- Daddy?
- Not now, honey, we're busy.
86
00:03:43,343 --> 00:03:48,043
- But, Daddy--
- Sweetheart, we're working.
87
00:03:48,373 --> 00:03:51,426
- They're working, Mr. Leno.
- Oh, no. Oh, not Jay.
88
00:03:51,459 --> 00:03:53,373
Oh, so sorry.
89
00:03:53,703 --> 00:03:56,873
- Jay, please, do come in.
- Hi, how are you?
90
00:04:01,443 --> 00:04:04,043
I had no idea
you were already here.
91
00:04:04,373 --> 00:04:05,176
Oh, that's okay.
92
00:04:05,209 --> 00:04:06,193
Where's Niles?
93
00:04:06,226 --> 00:04:08,203
He taped letterman last night--
94
00:04:08,543 --> 00:04:10,409
No, yeah, thank you.
Thank you very much.
95
00:04:10,443 --> 00:04:15,193
Oh, Mr. Jay Leno, I'm Fran Fine.
96
00:04:15,226 --> 00:04:16,193
Nice to see you.
97
00:04:16,226 --> 00:04:18,873
Well, I can't tell you
98
00:04:18,159 --> 00:04:21,259
how many times
I've gone to bed with you.
99
00:04:21,293 --> 00:04:23,476
You know,
I used to get around a lot.
100
00:04:23,509 --> 00:04:25,509
And you don't remember
a lot of people...
101
00:04:26,043 --> 00:04:29,276
- No, not to bed like that.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
102
00:04:29,309 --> 00:04:31,373
Although I must admit,
103
00:04:31,703 --> 00:04:34,376
I have fallen asleep
before you were done.
104
00:04:34,409 --> 00:04:38,373
As long as you don't fake
a laugh. That's really....
105
00:04:38,703 --> 00:04:39,293
The guys hate that.
106
00:04:39,326 --> 00:04:41,359
[FAKE LAUGHTER]
107
00:04:41,393 --> 00:04:42,476
- Jay.
- Yeah?
108
00:04:42,509 --> 00:04:44,873
- Please, why don't you
sit down?
- Thank you.
109
00:04:44,159 --> 00:04:46,343
I can't tell you how thrilled
I am to have you here.
110
00:04:46,376 --> 00:04:48,176
You I'm still not sure about.
111
00:04:48,209 --> 00:04:51,873
Hey, listen, thanks
for taking care of my dog.
112
00:04:51,159 --> 00:04:54,443
Oh, no problem. You know,
my mom had one just like that.
113
00:04:54,476 --> 00:04:56,159
Lived in the wall.
114
00:04:57,873 --> 00:04:58,376
Mr. Leno, would you mind
115
00:04:58,409 --> 00:05:00,326
autographing your book for me?
116
00:05:00,359 --> 00:05:02,326
I can't tell you
how classy it is
117
00:05:02,359 --> 00:05:05,343
that you don't go hawking it
like other celebrities.
118
00:05:05,376 --> 00:05:07,143
Oh, yeah. I hate that.
119
00:05:08,376 --> 00:05:13,373
Meanwhile, have you read
this one? It is a riot.
120
00:05:13,703 --> 00:05:15,443
Plus it just came out
on audiocassette.
121
00:05:17,243 --> 00:05:20,209
I can't believe
they put this voice on audio.
122
00:05:20,243 --> 00:05:23,293
You know,
some people find it soothing.
123
00:05:28,343 --> 00:05:31,526
Look, it's just like
Lady and the Tramp.
124
00:05:32,203 --> 00:05:33,703
Only Tramp had the taste
125
00:05:33,143 --> 00:05:36,543
not to lick himself
in front of Lady.
126
00:05:36,873 --> 00:05:39,703
He reminds me of my dog, Al.
127
00:05:39,143 --> 00:05:42,703
I couldn't stand to have him
sleep on the bed
128
00:05:42,143 --> 00:05:45,373
with his stupid pug face,
129
00:05:45,703 --> 00:05:47,359
always drooling,
130
00:05:47,393 --> 00:05:51,493
and the gas
that emanated from that
animal.
131
00:05:53,373 --> 00:05:55,509
Yetta, that was grandpa.
132
00:05:59,376 --> 00:06:03,176
- Oh, Ms. Fine,
here's your mail.
- Oh, thank you.
133
00:06:03,209 --> 00:06:07,276
Oh, my God, the IRS.
What do they want from me?
134
00:06:07,309 --> 00:06:12,359
Oh, a tax audit.
Oh, why are they picking on me?
135
00:06:12,393 --> 00:06:15,873
Could it be because you
declared
an adopted foreign child
136
00:06:15,159 --> 00:06:16,526
named Haagen-Dazs?
137
00:06:20,443 --> 00:06:23,276
Listen, I have spent
a lot of quality time
138
00:06:23,309 --> 00:06:25,873
with that little bundle of joy.
139
00:06:27,043 --> 00:06:28,426
Mama loves you, baby.
140
00:06:30,703 --> 00:06:32,293
- So, what are you going to
do?
- I don't know.
141
00:06:32,326 --> 00:06:35,276
I wonder if my accountant knows
about this.
142
00:06:35,309 --> 00:06:37,373
Do you know about this?
143
00:06:38,293 --> 00:06:39,376
So, Brighton,
144
00:06:39,409 --> 00:06:42,209
you ready to teach me
how to roller blade?
145
00:06:42,243 --> 00:06:44,209
Oh, you know that girl you like?
146
00:06:44,243 --> 00:06:47,243
I thought we maybe
could cruise by her house.
147
00:06:47,276 --> 00:06:50,373
Oh, great, and on the way
we can stop by the duck pond
148
00:06:50,703 --> 00:06:51,409
so I can drown myself.
149
00:06:53,143 --> 00:06:54,393
Alright, actually, Dad,
you know what, I'd love to,
150
00:06:54,426 --> 00:06:56,226
but I already have some plans
with friends.
151
00:06:56,259 --> 00:06:58,359
- Yeah.
- Who?
152
00:06:58,393 --> 00:07:00,309
Ah...
153
00:07:00,343 --> 00:07:02,509
Weren't you gonna
get burgers at Arnold's
154
00:07:03,043 --> 00:07:06,373
- with Ralph and Potsey?
- Right, right.
155
00:07:06,703 --> 00:07:09,176
Oh, well, maybe
I could join you at
Arnold's.
156
00:07:12,193 --> 00:07:17,476
- Well, maybe some other time.
- Yeah. Sorry.
157
00:07:17,509 --> 00:07:21,243
- Who's Potsey?
- Oh, shut up.
158
00:07:22,459 --> 00:07:26,159
Ingrate.
I hated to do that to him.
159
00:07:26,193 --> 00:07:27,426
What's the big deal?
160
00:07:27,459 --> 00:07:30,043
He just wants to spend
a little time with his son.
161
00:07:30,373 --> 00:07:33,259
Fran, we have nothing in common.
We're not even
from the same country.
162
00:07:34,276 --> 00:07:36,703
[HARRY NILSSON'S
"BEST FRIEND" PLAYING]
163
00:07:36,143 --> 00:07:39,509
♪♪ People, let me tell you'bout my best friend ♪♪
164
00:07:40,043 --> 00:07:41,443
♪♪ He's awarm-hearted person ♪♪
165
00:07:41,476 --> 00:07:44,309
♪♪ Who'll love metill the end... ♪♪
166
00:07:44,343 --> 00:07:48,459
Stay back, stay back. I'm
done.
I'm totally done.
167
00:07:48,493 --> 00:07:50,226
♪♪ One boy cuddly toy ♪♪
168
00:07:50,259 --> 00:07:52,326
♪♪ My up, my down,my pride and joy ♪♪
169
00:07:52,359 --> 00:07:54,226
♪♪ People,let me tell you... ♪♪
170
00:07:54,259 --> 00:07:57,176
[MAN SINGING OPERA]
171
00:08:10,526 --> 00:08:13,376
[HARRY NILSSON'S
"BEST FRIEND" PLAYING]
♪♪ Best friend ♪♪
172
00:08:13,409 --> 00:08:17,493
♪♪ Da-da-da-da-da da-dada-da-da-da-da da-da ♪♪
173
00:08:17,526 --> 00:08:20,209
♪♪ Da-da-da-da-da da-da ♪♪
174
00:08:21,393 --> 00:08:25,476
♪♪ Rubbie de boopie,boop, boop, bang ♪♪
175
00:08:25,509 --> 00:08:30,043
♪♪ Rubbie de boopie,boop, bang, bang ♪♪
176
00:08:30,373 --> 00:08:34,193
♪♪ Rubbie de boopie,boop, bang, bang... ♪♪
177
00:08:35,393 --> 00:08:37,309
[MUSIC PLAYING]
178
00:08:39,159 --> 00:08:41,373
[TOILET FLUSHES]
179
00:08:43,276 --> 00:08:48,043
What is this unnatural
obsession
Maxwell has with his children?
180
00:08:48,373 --> 00:08:51,476
I can count the number of days
I spent with my father
on one hand.
181
00:08:51,509 --> 00:08:53,343
Seven?
182
00:08:56,326 --> 00:09:00,509
- You know, that's funny.
- Oh, thank you very much.
183
00:09:01,043 --> 00:09:03,373
No. I mean the fact
that I'm really rich
184
00:09:03,703 --> 00:09:05,703
and you're cleaning toilets
in a suit, tie,
185
00:09:05,143 --> 00:09:06,476
and rubber gloves.
186
00:09:08,309 --> 00:09:10,293
Well, you got me that time.
187
00:09:17,373 --> 00:09:18,459
[DOORBELL RINGS]
188
00:09:20,493 --> 00:09:22,309
- Yes?
- Hi.
189
00:09:22,343 --> 00:09:24,359
I'm here to audit Ms. Fran Fine.
190
00:09:24,393 --> 00:09:26,393
Ms. Fine, the IRS man is here.
191
00:09:26,426 --> 00:09:30,193
Is that today?
192
00:09:30,226 --> 00:09:33,409
- Hi, I'm Fran.
- Hi. Josh Bassin.
193
00:09:33,443 --> 00:09:35,543
- How you been?
- Oh.
194
00:09:35,873 --> 00:09:37,409
You bought that dress
for the audit, didn't you?
195
00:09:37,443 --> 00:09:41,193
- Well...
-I hope you don't try
to write it off.
196
00:09:45,143 --> 00:09:49,543
I'd like to introduce to you
one of my dependents.
197
00:09:49,873 --> 00:09:50,243
All right. I admit it.
198
00:09:50,276 --> 00:09:52,176
I helped her with her taxes,
but you know what?
199
00:09:52,209 --> 00:09:55,243
I had a solar calculator
and we did them in the shade.
200
00:09:56,226 --> 00:09:57,376
Relax, kid. It would take
201
00:09:57,409 --> 00:09:59,343
a flagrant violation
of the tax code.
202
00:09:59,376 --> 00:10:02,203
For me to actually
put someone in jail.
203
00:10:02,543 --> 00:10:04,409
- What's your name?
- Potsey?
204
00:10:06,443 --> 00:10:09,526
I don't know why people get
so nervous when I audit them.
205
00:10:10,203 --> 00:10:11,309
I just did Pearl Jam
last week.
206
00:10:11,343 --> 00:10:13,309
Oh, my God.
You know Pearl Jam?
207
00:10:13,343 --> 00:10:16,409
Potsey,
you're blocking the view.
208
00:10:19,493 --> 00:10:22,703
All right, so, you actually
went to Eddie Vedder's house?
209
00:10:22,143 --> 00:10:23,426
Well, by the time
I'm finished with him,
210
00:10:23,459 --> 00:10:25,409
it'll be
Uncle Sam's house but...
211
00:10:25,443 --> 00:10:27,409
[FRAN LAUGHS]
212
00:10:27,443 --> 00:10:30,243
Good looking
and a sense of humor.
213
00:10:30,276 --> 00:10:33,443
I'll tell you if I wasn't
married with six kids...
214
00:10:38,209 --> 00:10:39,309
If you'll just excuse me,
215
00:10:39,343 --> 00:10:42,043
I have to go
feed my chinchillas.
216
00:10:42,373 --> 00:10:43,209
What chinchillas?
217
00:10:43,243 --> 00:10:47,703
The ones we breed
at a considerable loss.
218
00:10:47,143 --> 00:10:49,873
Schedule C, Item 15.
219
00:10:50,293 --> 00:10:53,293
Brighton, I'm just off
to a final call-back
220
00:10:53,326 --> 00:10:55,159
to my play about Gertrude Stein.
221
00:10:55,193 --> 00:10:58,193
It's between Maureen Stapleton
and Sada Thompson.
222
00:10:58,226 --> 00:11:01,526
It's gonna be a hot one.
Care to come along?
223
00:11:02,203 --> 00:11:04,259
Well, first of all, Dad, who?
224
00:11:06,873 --> 00:11:08,043
This guy knows Pearl Jam.
225
00:11:10,409 --> 00:11:13,043
Ms. Fine, are you sure
this thing with my son
226
00:11:13,373 --> 00:11:14,703
is just a phase?
227
00:11:14,143 --> 00:11:15,343
I mean, he prefers
to spend more time
228
00:11:15,376 --> 00:11:17,209
with the tax man than with me.
229
00:11:17,243 --> 00:11:20,243
Oh, well, first of all
you're trying too hard.
230
00:11:20,276 --> 00:11:22,293
I mean, nothing makes a person
look more desperate
231
00:11:22,326 --> 00:11:25,326
than trying so hard
to win somebody over.
232
00:11:26,293 --> 00:11:27,509
Hungry, Josh?
233
00:11:29,476 --> 00:11:32,526
Now, listen, next time you go
through the living room, limp.
234
00:11:33,203 --> 00:11:35,176
You're my husband
and you got a disability.
235
00:11:39,293 --> 00:11:42,543
[♪♪♪]
236
00:12:04,443 --> 00:12:06,226
What is this?
237
00:12:06,259 --> 00:12:09,873
An annoying yapping dog...
238
00:12:09,159 --> 00:12:10,476
holding a Chihuahua.
239
00:12:14,373 --> 00:12:16,293
Oh, there's the doggy.
240
00:12:16,326 --> 00:12:19,209
Nanny Fine, this mutt
is your responsibility.
241
00:12:19,243 --> 00:12:21,543
Well, I just put it down
for a second,
242
00:12:21,873 --> 00:12:23,426
and it was only 'cause Grace was
gonna scald herself in the tub.
243
00:12:23,459 --> 00:12:25,276
Oh, blah blah blah.
244
00:12:25,309 --> 00:12:27,276
It's not like those children
you take care of,
245
00:12:27,309 --> 00:12:29,159
this is a valuable animal.
246
00:12:30,259 --> 00:12:32,373
Meanwhile, I was looking
all over for you.
247
00:12:32,703 --> 00:12:34,203
Now, you're gonna go
and play with Chester.
248
00:12:34,543 --> 00:12:36,326
Boy, what amishpocheh
249
00:12:36,359 --> 00:12:38,509
Good thing
she's got a rich father.
250
00:12:39,043 --> 00:12:42,543
Oh, Ms. Fine, here's another
letter from your friend
at the IRS.
251
00:12:42,873 --> 00:12:45,259
Oh, wow,this must be a thank
you for that gorgeous,
midnight blue
252
00:12:45,293 --> 00:12:48,276
double-breasted Armani blazer
I gave him.
253
00:12:50,703 --> 00:12:53,143
Oh, well, like you were
ever gonna fit in that
again.
254
00:12:54,426 --> 00:12:58,143
Well, he liked the blazer
but he wants something else.
255
00:12:58,176 --> 00:13:00,359
- What?
- An arm and a leg.
256
00:13:00,393 --> 00:13:04,326
This is a $5,000 tax bill.
257
00:13:04,359 --> 00:13:06,543
Fran, I think you
better come see
258
00:13:06,873 --> 00:13:09,703
what Chester and Jay Leno's dog
are doing in the dining room.
259
00:13:09,143 --> 00:13:11,526
Sweetie, just pick it up.
How big can it be?
260
00:13:12,526 --> 00:13:15,276
No, remember
what we saw two lions doing
261
00:13:15,309 --> 00:13:16,493
on the Discovery channel?
262
00:13:21,259 --> 00:13:23,526
I don't suppose
they're eating a zebra.
263
00:13:27,309 --> 00:13:30,293
Chester, how'd you get
your little shirt off?
264
00:13:34,043 --> 00:13:37,443
You are going right upstairs,
Mister and taking a cold
shower.
265
00:13:37,476 --> 00:13:41,209
And you, miss,
you only know him a week.
266
00:13:41,243 --> 00:13:43,043
What's your secret?
267
00:13:44,159 --> 00:13:48,509
Oh, Niles, what am I gonna do?
I don't have $5,000.
268
00:13:49,043 --> 00:13:52,509
The government is gonna do to me
what Chester
just did to Harley.
269
00:13:55,373 --> 00:13:58,259
- Oh, Mr. Sheffield,
it's terrible.
- Oh, what happened?
270
00:13:58,293 --> 00:14:00,359
Mr. Mooney fired
from the bank again?
271
00:14:00,393 --> 00:14:04,373
[LAUGHS] Good looking and funny.
272
00:14:04,703 --> 00:14:07,176
- How much do you owe?
- Five thousand dollars.
273
00:14:07,209 --> 00:14:10,443
Oh, calm down, Ms. Fine.
We'll just file an appeal.
274
00:14:10,476 --> 00:14:13,193
What kind of records
have you kept?
275
00:14:13,226 --> 00:14:14,293
Oh, I don't know.
276
00:14:14,326 --> 00:14:16,143
A couple of Bee Gees,
277
00:14:16,176 --> 00:14:18,426
Captain and Tennille,
The White Album.
278
00:14:18,459 --> 00:14:21,193
No. Tax records, Ms. Fine.
279
00:14:21,226 --> 00:14:23,143
[MUSIC PLAYING]
280
00:14:23,176 --> 00:14:24,509
SYLVIA:Don't take the box.
281
00:14:25,443 --> 00:14:28,703
Don't take the box!
282
00:14:30,159 --> 00:14:31,209
Schmuck!
283
00:14:33,193 --> 00:14:36,209
Ma, when are you gonna stop
torturing yourself by
watching
284
00:14:36,243 --> 00:14:39,509
that old tape of you and daddy
onLet's Make a Deal?
285
00:14:40,043 --> 00:14:42,203
You traded Paris
for the ostrich.
286
00:14:42,543 --> 00:14:43,359
It's never gonna change.
287
00:14:46,159 --> 00:14:50,043
Meanwhile,
it's the best stew we ever
had.
288
00:14:50,373 --> 00:14:51,343
TV:Now, Sylvia and Mort Fine,
289
00:14:51,376 --> 00:14:53,159
let me tell you somethingyou've won the trip toParis:
290
00:14:53,193 --> 00:14:55,373
it's the greatest thingthat has happened on thisshow.
291
00:14:55,703 --> 00:14:56,476
You can keep the trip to Paris
292
00:14:56,509 --> 00:14:58,309
or you can trade
293
00:14:58,343 --> 00:15:00,376
for what's in that big boxon the floor.
294
00:15:00,409 --> 00:15:03,393
- Box!- Box!
295
00:15:06,409 --> 00:15:08,359
We'll take the box.
296
00:15:10,209 --> 00:15:12,703
I can't watch this.
297
00:15:12,143 --> 00:15:14,276
I am sick to my stomach.
298
00:15:17,459 --> 00:15:21,476
Now, it's a good thing that
I
have a very organized
filing system.
299
00:15:23,409 --> 00:15:30,203
'95. '94. '93?
300
00:15:30,543 --> 00:15:34,043
Oh, look at this,
there's an old Rolo in here.
301
00:15:34,373 --> 00:15:38,703
Look, it's all white.
It's still good.
302
00:15:41,209 --> 00:15:43,343
These receipts are a disaster.
303
00:15:43,376 --> 00:15:45,209
I mean,
how can this be possible?
304
00:15:45,243 --> 00:15:48,226
You have 18 certified
public accountants
305
00:15:48,259 --> 00:15:49,526
on your father's side alone.
306
00:15:51,373 --> 00:15:52,443
Well, we have 17 urologists,
307
00:15:52,476 --> 00:15:54,476
but daddy still has
three of something
308
00:15:54,509 --> 00:15:56,443
that he's only supposed
to have two of.
309
00:15:59,376 --> 00:16:03,426
[MUSIC PLAYING]
310
00:16:05,459 --> 00:16:08,393
Now, listen, if we're found
guilty is there any chance
311
00:16:08,426 --> 00:16:12,703
I could do community service
at a home for wayward girls?
312
00:16:12,143 --> 00:16:14,326
Don't talk to him.
313
00:16:14,359 --> 00:16:17,393
He comes into my home,
drinks my champagne,
314
00:16:17,426 --> 00:16:21,276
that expressly says
"send to Lauren Bacall"
and...
315
00:16:21,309 --> 00:16:24,309
Oh, well,
what are you looking at,
mister?
316
00:16:24,343 --> 00:16:26,226
You think that's supposed
to scare me?
317
00:16:26,259 --> 00:16:29,373
I'm going to the big house.
318
00:16:29,703 --> 00:16:30,376
I was just doing my job.
319
00:16:30,409 --> 00:16:32,459
Shame on you for using
your sex appeal
320
00:16:32,493 --> 00:16:34,326
to get out of paying your
back taxes.
321
00:16:34,359 --> 00:16:37,143
I most certainly did not.
322
00:16:37,176 --> 00:16:39,703
And shame on you
for acting like it was
working.
323
00:16:39,143 --> 00:16:40,376
It was.
324
00:16:40,409 --> 00:16:44,203
When you get out of prison,
would you like to have dinner?
325
00:16:44,543 --> 00:16:47,176
No. Where?
326
00:16:47,209 --> 00:16:49,393
Ms. Fine,
don't waste your time with
him.
327
00:16:49,426 --> 00:16:51,293
He has nothing to do with it.
328
00:16:51,326 --> 00:16:54,373
It's gonna be all up
to the Appeals Officer.
329
00:17:00,493 --> 00:17:03,526
I would like to start off by
saying that I have never seen
330
00:17:04,203 --> 00:17:07,493
such a total disregard
for the tax laws.
331
00:17:07,526 --> 00:17:11,209
Excuse me, sir,
but is this gonna take long?
332
00:17:11,243 --> 00:17:13,243
I have to get back
to the theater.
333
00:17:13,276 --> 00:17:16,393
- Who are you?
- Maxwell Sheffield, I'm....
334
00:17:16,426 --> 00:17:18,176
The Broadway producer.
335
00:17:18,209 --> 00:17:20,043
[MAXWELL LAUGHS]
336
00:17:20,373 --> 00:17:26,293
♪♪ A kiss on the handmay be quite continental ♪♪
337
00:17:26,326 --> 00:17:32,476
♪♪ But diamondsare a girl's best friend♪♪
338
00:17:32,509 --> 00:17:34,526
I always wanted
to be in show business.
339
00:17:35,203 --> 00:17:38,873
Would you like to see
another one?
340
00:17:38,159 --> 00:17:41,276
Oh, did I mention
that I'm the Appeals Officer?
341
00:17:41,309 --> 00:17:43,293
- Oh!
- Oh!
342
00:17:45,209 --> 00:17:46,226
- Yeah.
- Okay.
343
00:17:46,259 --> 00:17:47,243
If you insist.
344
00:17:47,276 --> 00:17:48,443
[ALL LAUGH]
345
00:17:48,476 --> 00:17:50,543
George Burns.
346
00:17:50,873 --> 00:17:52,293
Oh. Great.
347
00:17:53,426 --> 00:17:59,243
You know, I got into heaven
and I saw God.
348
00:17:59,276 --> 00:18:01,293
And He wasn't feeling well.
349
00:18:01,326 --> 00:18:05,703
He sneezed.
I didn't know what to say.
350
00:18:05,526 --> 00:18:08,543
[ALL CHEER AND LAUGH]
351
00:18:08,873 --> 00:18:09,293
That's good.
352
00:18:09,326 --> 00:18:11,326
All right.
Let's get down to business.
353
00:18:11,359 --> 00:18:13,426
Now, I have reviewed the case
354
00:18:13,459 --> 00:18:17,203
and I agree with my colleague,
Mr. Bassin,
355
00:18:17,543 --> 00:18:21,203
that you look
very fetching in that
skirt.
356
00:18:22,443 --> 00:18:24,409
Oh, thanks. You can go.
You can go.
357
00:18:24,443 --> 00:18:28,176
However, that does not
have an impact
358
00:18:28,209 --> 00:18:29,409
on my decision about your taxes.
359
00:18:29,443 --> 00:18:32,326
Where you running?
Where are you running?
360
00:18:35,393 --> 00:18:36,493
Where do you think you're going?
361
00:18:36,526 --> 00:18:39,309
Fran, this is inside of me.
362
00:18:40,143 --> 00:18:45,043
Gee, I see here $86
363
00:18:45,373 --> 00:18:48,043
for apricot facial scrub.
364
00:18:49,193 --> 00:18:50,326
Yes.
365
00:18:50,359 --> 00:18:54,159
Well, you see,
as a professional care-giver,
366
00:18:54,193 --> 00:18:58,443
Ms. Fine needs to glow
and be dewy.
367
00:19:00,276 --> 00:19:03,343
Why don't you
just slap the cuffs on me now?
368
00:19:03,376 --> 00:19:06,043
Relax. I've still got
something
up my sleeve.
369
00:19:06,373 --> 00:19:08,143
Unless it's five grand tied
to your forearm,
370
00:19:08,176 --> 00:19:09,493
I ain't interested.
371
00:19:11,159 --> 00:19:14,426
Max, you made me schlep all the
way down here to pick up my dog.
372
00:19:14,459 --> 00:19:17,243
Then your driver says,
"The dog's already at my
house."
373
00:19:17,276 --> 00:19:20,243
Look, I'm not one for star
treatment. Do you know who I am?
374
00:19:20,276 --> 00:19:23,259
Jay Leno! Jay.
375
00:19:23,293 --> 00:19:26,326
Hey, I watchThe Tonight Show
all the time.
376
00:19:26,359 --> 00:19:29,476
- Great.
- Oh, watch, watch, watch.
377
00:19:31,326 --> 00:19:37,143
Ah. It was so cold
in Los Angeles this morning.
378
00:19:37,176 --> 00:19:41,159
- And how cold was it?
- How cold was it?
379
00:19:41,193 --> 00:19:45,143
An exhibitionist came up to me
on Wilshire Boulevard
380
00:19:45,176 --> 00:19:46,426
and described himself to me.
381
00:19:46,459 --> 00:19:50,259
MAXWELL AND FRAN:
[FAKE LAUGHTER]
382
00:19:50,293 --> 00:19:52,409
Don't quit the day job,
all right?
383
00:19:52,443 --> 00:19:54,426
Ever been audited?
384
00:19:54,459 --> 00:19:57,873
You know, I heard something
in your voice.
You are very good.
385
00:19:57,159 --> 00:20:00,309
You know, we haven't
had an impressionist on the
show
in a long time.
386
00:20:00,343 --> 00:20:02,703
-Really?
-Yeah, why don't we have
a cup of coffee?
387
00:20:02,143 --> 00:20:05,393
- Let's talk about it
a little more.
- Oh, okay. Great.
388
00:20:05,426 --> 00:20:08,376
Um. Case dismissed.
389
00:20:11,426 --> 00:20:15,426
This is outrageous.
You should have gone to jail.
390
00:20:15,459 --> 00:20:19,143
Using show business connections
to make fools of the government.
391
00:20:19,176 --> 00:20:20,326
I hope you're proud
of yourself, Sheffield.
392
00:20:20,359 --> 00:20:23,426
Yeah, thank you.
Yes, as a matter of fact, I
am.
393
00:20:23,459 --> 00:20:27,393
Go, Dad.
Bad boy of Broadway. Okay.
394
00:20:27,426 --> 00:20:29,443
So, you like your old man now,
huh.
395
00:20:29,476 --> 00:20:33,226
Listen, what do you say
we take in a movie?
396
00:20:33,259 --> 00:20:34,443
Oh, gee, Dad, I'd love to
397
00:20:34,476 --> 00:20:36,443
but I'm going to the movies
with Julie from my class.
398
00:20:36,476 --> 00:20:39,459
Oh, well, I can join you.
399
00:20:42,373 --> 00:20:44,373
- See you guys later.
- Bye, sweetie.
400
00:20:44,703 --> 00:20:45,426
Thank you, Miss Fine.
Well, you know,
401
00:20:45,459 --> 00:20:49,176
I cleared the whole afternoon
for this and it's still early.
402
00:20:49,209 --> 00:20:51,409
So I thought maybe you and I
403
00:20:51,443 --> 00:20:54,509
could do something
really sinful.
404
00:20:55,043 --> 00:21:00,873
Oh, Mr. Sheffield.
You are clairvoyant.
405
00:21:00,159 --> 00:21:03,376
What do you say about a pizza
with everything on it?
406
00:21:04,359 --> 00:21:05,493
That's uncanny.
407
00:21:12,226 --> 00:21:13,443
Ms. Fine, what do you know
408
00:21:13,476 --> 00:21:16,873
about Jay Leno's dog
getting pregnant?
409
00:21:19,426 --> 00:21:23,159
That depends.
Are you happy about it or
angry?
410
00:21:23,193 --> 00:21:27,193
He canceled my cast's appearance
on his show.
411
00:21:27,226 --> 00:21:28,476
Then I don't know anything
about it.
412
00:21:30,203 --> 00:21:31,393
Ms. Fine, that dog
was in your care.
413
00:21:31,426 --> 00:21:33,159
How could you let this happen?
414
00:21:33,193 --> 00:21:35,293
Well, I tried to pull them
apart
as fast as I can,
415
00:21:35,326 --> 00:21:38,376
but I guess I came too late
and Chester too early.
416
00:21:40,373 --> 00:21:41,309
Ms. Fine.
417
00:21:41,343 --> 00:21:44,873
Well, this may come as a shock
to you, Mister, but sometimes,
418
00:21:44,159 --> 00:21:46,476
there is just no controlling
animalistic passion.
419
00:21:46,509 --> 00:21:50,143
Yes. Well, that's the
difference
between us and animals.
420
00:21:50,176 --> 00:21:51,459
- Oh, yeah?
- Oh, yeah.
421
00:21:51,493 --> 00:21:55,243
- Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah?
- Oh, yeah. Stop that!
422
00:21:55,276 --> 00:21:59,243
[MUSIC PLAYING]
423
00:22:05,209 --> 00:22:09,243
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
33069
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