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1
00:00:05,672 --> 00:00:08,907
CAPTIONS PAID FOR BY ABC, INC.
AND 20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION
2
00:00:11,511 --> 00:00:13,812
NO.
3
00:00:13,848 --> 00:00:14,880
NO.
4
00:00:14,915 --> 00:00:17,983
W-W-WAIT. GO BACK. GO BACK.
5
00:00:18,018 --> 00:00:19,117
NO.
6
00:00:19,153 --> 00:00:22,520
THERE'S NOTHIN' ON.
WANNA RENT A MOVIE?
7
00:00:22,556 --> 00:00:23,621
SURE.
8
00:00:23,657 --> 00:00:25,858
ANYTHING BUT "MAD MAX."
9
00:00:25,893 --> 00:00:27,893
NO.
10
00:00:27,928 --> 00:00:29,261
WE COULD GO FOR ICE CREAM.
11
00:00:29,296 --> 00:00:31,541
MM, I DON'T WANNA GO
OUT LOOKIN' LIKE THIS.
12
00:00:31,565 --> 00:00:32,698
YEAH. YOU'RE RIGHT.
13
00:00:36,002 --> 00:00:38,148
HEY, WE COULD
ALWAYS FOOL AROUND.
14
00:00:38,172 --> 00:00:39,705
YOU FEEL LIKE IT?
15
00:00:39,740 --> 00:00:40,740
NO.
16
00:00:40,774 --> 00:00:42,941
ME NEITHER.
17
00:00:42,976 --> 00:00:45,288
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M GONNA GO TO BED.
18
00:00:45,312 --> 00:00:47,011
OKAY. SEE YA IN A BIT.
19
00:00:47,047 --> 00:00:49,281
[ PIG OINKING]
20
00:00:49,316 --> 00:00:50,849
[ MUSIC PLAYS]
21
00:00:50,885 --> 00:00:53,685
HA. "TELETUBBIES."
22
00:00:57,258 --> 00:01:00,259
OOH, "TELETUBBIES."
23
00:01:00,294 --> 00:01:03,595
WINKY'S GOOD IN THIS ONE.
24
00:01:08,335 --> 00:01:09,301
WHERE'S ASHLEY?
25
00:01:09,336 --> 00:01:10,336
SHE WENT TO BED.
26
00:01:10,371 --> 00:01:12,731
OH. I THOUGHT I
HEARD A COFFIN CLOSE.
27
00:01:18,946 --> 00:01:20,946
YOU KNOW, THIS... THIS IS WEIRD.
28
00:01:20,981 --> 00:01:22,347
HELP ME OUT HERE, PETE.
29
00:01:22,383 --> 00:01:24,682
EVER SINCE ASHLEY
OFFICIALLY MOVED IN,
30
00:01:24,718 --> 00:01:26,084
WE DON'T ARGUE AS MUCH.
31
00:01:26,120 --> 00:01:27,519
WE'VE GOTTEN SORT OF...
32
00:01:27,554 --> 00:01:30,422
COMFORTABLE, SETTLED,
TOTALLY AT PEACE.
33
00:01:30,457 --> 00:01:33,491
DO YOU REMEMBER HOW
SHE AND I USED TO BE?
34
00:01:33,527 --> 00:01:37,262
YEAH... LOUD, VOLATILE,
UNCOMFORTABLE TO BE AROUND.
35
00:01:37,298 --> 00:01:40,632
YEAH. THAT WAS GOOD.
36
00:01:40,667 --> 00:01:44,436
NOW SHE... NOW SHE JUST...
SHE'S GOTTEN SO... TRANQUIL.
37
00:01:44,471 --> 00:01:48,373
I GOTTA PUT THE FIRE BACK IN
THIS RELATIONSHIP SOMEHOW.
38
00:01:48,408 --> 00:01:49,607
[SIGHS]
39
00:01:49,642 --> 00:01:52,911
WE COULD DRUG HER AND
DUMP HER BODY IN MEXICO.
40
00:01:56,116 --> 00:01:57,983
NO.
41
00:02:05,759 --> 00:02:07,871
BERG, I THOUGHT
YOU WERE TAKING ME
42
00:02:07,895 --> 00:02:09,973
TO A ROMANTIC BED-AND-BREAKFAST.
43
00:02:09,997 --> 00:02:12,042
DOESN'T THIS SEEM
A LITTLE RESIDENTIAL?
44
00:02:12,066 --> 00:02:14,800
BELIEVE ME, THIS IS A GREAT
PLACE TO SPICE THINGS UP.
45
00:02:14,835 --> 00:02:16,734
THERE'S MY BABY BOY!
46
00:02:18,539 --> 00:02:20,705
I TOOK YOU TO MY
PARENTS' HOUSE! SURPRISE!
47
00:02:22,809 --> 00:02:25,543
OKAY, LOOK, WHATEVER HAPPENS
BETWEEN YOU AND MY MOM,
48
00:02:25,579 --> 00:02:27,712
JUST REMEMBER, I'M
THE ONE TO BLAME.
49
00:02:27,748 --> 00:02:29,314
SWEETIE!
50
00:02:29,349 --> 00:02:31,049
MOM, HEY!
51
00:02:31,084 --> 00:02:32,584
DAD, HOW YOU DOIN'?
52
00:02:32,619 --> 00:02:35,587
I WANT TO INTRODUCE YOU
TO MY GIRLFRIEND, ASHLEY.
53
00:02:35,622 --> 00:02:37,234
HI, IT'S REALLY A
PLEASURE TO MEET...
54
00:02:37,258 --> 00:02:38,790
JUST A MINUTE, ANGIE.
55
00:02:38,825 --> 00:02:40,926
LET ME LOOK AT YOU.
56
00:02:40,961 --> 00:02:41,994
HI, I'M PHIL.
57
00:02:42,029 --> 00:02:43,773
HI, IT'S REALLY
NICE TO MEET YOU.
58
00:02:43,797 --> 00:02:46,798
MOM, UH, SAY HI TO ASHLEY.
59
00:02:46,833 --> 00:02:47,799
HI, MRS. BERGEN.
60
00:02:47,834 --> 00:02:50,502
SO, YOU'RE KEEPING
MY SON FROM ME.
61
00:02:51,405 --> 00:02:53,104
WHY IS THAT?
62
00:02:54,308 --> 00:02:57,809
WE TRIED TO COME SOONER,
BUT SHE WOULDN'T LET ME.
63
00:02:59,179 --> 00:03:02,313
YOU KNOW, YOU LOOK LIKE
THAT WOMAN ON TELEVISION.
64
00:03:02,349 --> 00:03:03,515
WHAT'S HER NAME?
65
00:03:03,550 --> 00:03:04,950
OH. MARY TYLER MOORE?
66
00:03:04,985 --> 00:03:07,986
MY, DON'T WE HAVE A HIGH
OPINION OF OURSELVES.
67
00:03:09,890 --> 00:03:11,289
WELL, NO, IT'S JUST THAT
68
00:03:11,324 --> 00:03:14,259
A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE
COMMENTED ON THE RESEMBLANCE.
69
00:03:14,294 --> 00:03:17,161
WELL, THEY WERE JUST
BLOWIN' HOT AIR UP YOUR ASS.
70
00:03:19,967 --> 00:03:22,567
I KNOW. I KNOW... THE ONE
THAT YELLS AT EVERYBODY...
71
00:03:22,602 --> 00:03:23,602
JUDGE JUDY.
72
00:03:25,872 --> 00:03:27,584
COME ON NOW. DON'T START, MOM.
73
00:03:27,608 --> 00:03:29,819
YOU'RE JUST GONNA GET
ASHLEY ALL MAD AT ME,
74
00:03:29,843 --> 00:03:32,243
AND THE NEXT THING YOU
KNOW, WE'LL BE FIGHTIN',
75
00:03:32,279 --> 00:03:33,489
AND NOBODY WANTS THAT.
76
00:03:33,513 --> 00:03:36,481
WE ARE GOING TO
GET ALONG JUST FINE.
77
00:03:36,516 --> 00:03:38,116
WHY DON'T WE GO IN THE HOUSE?
78
00:03:38,151 --> 00:03:40,919
I AM DYING TO FIND OUT
WHAT MY BOY SEES IN YOU.
79
00:03:44,458 --> 00:03:46,936
WHY DON'T WE SAVE SOMETHIN'
TO TALK ABOUT DURING DINNER?
80
00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:48,037
BERG, IS THIS YOUR IDEA
81
00:03:48,061 --> 00:03:49,672
OF SPICING UP
OUR RELATIONSHIP...
82
00:03:49,696 --> 00:03:51,741
WATCHING YOUR MOM
TICK ME OFF ALL WEEKEND?
83
00:03:51,765 --> 00:03:52,931
NO, NO, NO, NO.
84
00:03:52,966 --> 00:03:54,811
YOU JUST GOT OFF TO A
BUMPY START, ALL RIGHT?
85
00:03:54,835 --> 00:03:58,369
HEY, MOM, DID I TELL YOU
ASHLEY'S A REPUBLICAN?
86
00:04:05,412 --> 00:04:07,712
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. SHARON,
SHOULDN'T YOU KNOCK?
87
00:04:07,748 --> 00:04:09,759
HA HA HA HA. SINCE WHEN?
88
00:04:09,783 --> 00:04:12,551
SINCE I HAVE THE APARTMENT
TO MYSELF THIS WEEKEND,
89
00:04:12,586 --> 00:04:14,253
AND I MIGHT HAVE A GIRL OVER.
90
00:04:14,288 --> 00:04:16,321
PETE, YOU'RE FOLDING LAUNDRY.
91
00:04:16,356 --> 00:04:18,990
YEAH, WELL, MAYBE
SHE'S INTO HIDING
92
00:04:19,026 --> 00:04:20,825
AND WATCHING ME BE TIDY.
93
00:04:21,995 --> 00:04:23,662
OH, WAIT, SHARON,
TELL ME SOMETHING...
94
00:04:23,697 --> 00:04:25,463
WHAT DOES THIS REMIND YOU OF?
95
00:04:25,498 --> 00:04:27,266
OH!
96
00:04:27,301 --> 00:04:31,303
THE TIME I GOT MACED
AT CHIPPENDALES'?
97
00:04:31,338 --> 00:04:33,871
MY COMPANY WANTS ME
TO COME UP WITH A NAME
98
00:04:33,907 --> 00:04:35,574
FOR OUR NEW UNISEX COLOGNE.
99
00:04:35,609 --> 00:04:36,908
HOW ABOUT "CROWD CONTROL"?
100
00:04:39,947 --> 00:04:41,112
SO, WHERE'S BERG?
101
00:04:41,147 --> 00:04:43,292
OH, HE TOOK ASHLEY
AWAY FOR THE WEEKEND.
102
00:04:43,316 --> 00:04:45,183
YOU KNOW, TO SPICE THINGS UP.
103
00:04:45,218 --> 00:04:47,418
[SIGHS] MUST BE NICE.
104
00:04:47,454 --> 00:04:48,419
WHAT?
105
00:04:48,455 --> 00:04:49,855
WHAT?
106
00:04:49,890 --> 00:04:51,923
YOU SIGHED.
107
00:04:51,958 --> 00:04:54,003
I DID NOT SIGH. I EXHALED.
108
00:04:54,027 --> 00:04:56,160
YOU EXHALED WITH
MEANING. THAT'S A SIGH.
109
00:04:56,196 --> 00:04:58,363
IS THERE PROBLEMS
WITH YOU AND JOHNNY?
110
00:04:58,398 --> 00:05:01,700
[SIGHS] NO.
111
00:05:01,735 --> 00:05:03,735
THERE IT IS AGAIN.
112
00:05:03,770 --> 00:05:05,948
I AM BREATHING! I'M A MAMMAL!
113
00:05:05,972 --> 00:05:08,073
I CAN'T BELIEVE
YOU WON'T TELL ME.
114
00:05:08,108 --> 00:05:10,875
THERE ARE CERTAIN THINGS YOU
AND I SHOULD NOT TALK ABOUT,
115
00:05:10,910 --> 00:05:12,955
SO PLEASE JUST MIND
YOUR OWN BUSINESS.
116
00:05:12,979 --> 00:05:15,179
OKAY, OKAY. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?
117
00:05:15,214 --> 00:05:18,015
I'M NOT THE PERSON
ENGAGED TO THE GUY...
118
00:05:18,051 --> 00:05:19,550
WHO DRINKS TOO MUCH?
119
00:05:22,222 --> 00:05:24,089
NO!
120
00:05:24,124 --> 00:05:26,925
IS HE A KLEPTO? 'CAUSE
I'M MISSIN' A PAIR OF PANTS.
121
00:05:26,960 --> 00:05:28,327
NO!
122
00:05:28,362 --> 00:05:30,429
WELL, IT CAN'T BE SEX.
123
00:05:30,464 --> 00:05:31,530
[SIGHS]
124
00:05:31,565 --> 00:05:33,532
I KNEW IT!
125
00:05:33,567 --> 00:05:38,303
SO, OUR LITTLE EAGLE SCOUT
IS GOIN' FOR HIS FREAKY BADGE!
126
00:05:40,173 --> 00:05:43,041
NO. GOD, YOU COULDN'T BE
FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH.
127
00:05:43,076 --> 00:05:45,510
IF ANYTHING, JOHNNY'S
FROM THE SCHOOL
128
00:05:45,546 --> 00:05:47,690
OF "YOU DO ONE THING,
AND YOU DO IT WELL."
129
00:05:47,714 --> 00:05:50,148
WHAT ARE YOU SAYING,
HE'S A ONE-TRICK PONY?
130
00:05:50,183 --> 00:05:52,703
IT'S A KNEE-WOBBLER.
DON'T GET ME WRONG.
131
00:05:54,221 --> 00:05:56,854
I'M JUST SAYIN' THAT I FEEL LIKE
132
00:05:56,890 --> 00:06:00,926
WE'RE STARTIN' TO OWE THE
MISSIONARY SOME COMMISSION.
133
00:06:00,961 --> 00:06:04,229
LOOK, I MEAN, YOU KNOW WHAT?
IT'S NOTHIN' TO BE ASHAMED OF.
134
00:06:04,264 --> 00:06:06,331
MAYBE HE DOESN'T
KNOW ANY BETTER.
135
00:06:06,366 --> 00:06:09,200
YOU KNOW, WE CAN'T
ALL BE STUDENTS
136
00:06:09,236 --> 00:06:10,869
OF THE "KAMA SUTRA."
137
00:06:10,904 --> 00:06:14,306
[Laughing] EW.
138
00:06:16,143 --> 00:06:17,776
YOU STILL HAVE THAT BOOK?
139
00:06:17,811 --> 00:06:21,612
YOU THINK IT'S EMBARRASSING
CHECKING IT OUT OF THE LIBRARY?
140
00:06:21,648 --> 00:06:23,982
TRY RETURNING IT
FOUR YEARS OVERDUE.
141
00:06:24,017 --> 00:06:25,683
HAND ME THAT PILLOW.
142
00:06:27,754 --> 00:06:31,089
[LAUGHING]
143
00:06:31,124 --> 00:06:33,124
FOR EASY REFERENCE.
144
00:06:34,795 --> 00:06:36,305
MAYBE YOU SHOULD
SHOW THIS TO JOHNNY.
145
00:06:36,329 --> 00:06:37,406
ARE YOU CRAZY?!
146
00:06:37,430 --> 00:06:38,997
I DON'T WANT JOHNNY TO THINK
147
00:06:39,032 --> 00:06:41,967
I'M THE KIND OF GIRL THAT
WOULD DO THAT STUFF!
148
00:06:42,002 --> 00:06:42,768
BUT YOU ARE.
149
00:06:42,803 --> 00:06:43,702
WELL, YEAH!
150
00:06:43,737 --> 00:06:46,071
WELL, SHARON...
151
00:06:46,106 --> 00:06:47,472
JUST FORGET I SAID ANYTHING.
152
00:06:47,507 --> 00:06:49,886
DON'T MENTION ANYTHING
ABOUT THIS TO JOHNNY.
153
00:06:49,910 --> 00:06:51,142
LIKE I'M GONNA.
154
00:06:51,178 --> 00:06:53,678
DON'T YOU THINK THAT WOULD
PUT ME IN AN AWKWARD POSITION?
155
00:06:53,713 --> 00:06:56,648
WELL, I WOULDN'T KNOW
ABOUT AWKWARD POSITIONS.
156
00:06:59,319 --> 00:07:01,319
GO! GO! GO! GO! GO! GO!
157
00:07:01,354 --> 00:07:02,431
TOUCHDOWN!
158
00:07:02,455 --> 00:07:03,488
OH! I AM TELLIN' YOU,
159
00:07:03,523 --> 00:07:06,224
BOSTON COLLEGE IS
GOIN' TO A BOWL THIS YEAR.
160
00:07:06,259 --> 00:07:09,260
I WOULDN'T DOUBT IT. TIM
HASSELBECK CAN MOVE.
161
00:07:09,296 --> 00:07:10,761
MAN!
162
00:07:10,797 --> 00:07:13,431
I BET HE KNOWS OVER 40 WAYS
TO MAKE LOVE TO A WOMAN!
163
00:07:15,802 --> 00:07:17,969
I NEVER REALLY THOUGHT ABOUT IT.
164
00:07:18,004 --> 00:07:19,737
HEY, CAN I GET YOU A BEER?
165
00:07:19,773 --> 00:07:21,205
YEAH, SURE. SURE.
166
00:07:21,240 --> 00:07:22,307
HEY, JOHNNY...
167
00:07:22,342 --> 00:07:26,278
DID YOU KNOW THE TINY
ISLAND NATION OF TONGA
168
00:07:26,313 --> 00:07:31,917
HAS FIVE NFL PLAYERS,
YET ALL OF INDIA NONE?
169
00:07:31,952 --> 00:07:33,518
I THINK IT'S BECAUSE
170
00:07:33,553 --> 00:07:36,454
THEY KNOW OVER
300 SEXUAL POSITIONS.
171
00:07:40,460 --> 00:07:43,761
I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT, PETE.
172
00:07:47,567 --> 00:07:50,368
ARE YOU WEARING PERFUME?
173
00:07:50,403 --> 00:07:52,703
NO!
174
00:07:54,474 --> 00:08:00,145
BUT IF I WERE... WHAT
WOULD YOU CALL IT?
175
00:08:00,180 --> 00:08:03,181
CREEPY.
176
00:08:07,988 --> 00:08:11,489
OH. HEY. WHAT IS... WHAT THE...
177
00:08:11,524 --> 00:08:14,826
HEY! LOOK AT THAT!
178
00:08:14,861 --> 00:08:16,193
THE "KAMA SUTRA." HUH.
179
00:08:16,229 --> 00:08:18,708
NOT ONLY DOES THIS BOOK
MAKE A HANDY COASTER,
180
00:08:18,732 --> 00:08:21,899
IT'S ALSO AN ILLUSTRATED GUIDE
TO PLEASURING YOUR PARTNER
181
00:08:21,935 --> 00:08:24,135
IN WAYS YOU COULD NEVER IMAGINE.
182
00:08:28,341 --> 00:08:30,174
ARE YOU HITTING ON ME?
183
00:08:30,844 --> 00:08:31,976
NO!
184
00:08:32,011 --> 00:08:34,379
NO, NO, NO.
185
00:08:34,414 --> 00:08:35,425
JOHNNY, NO.
186
00:08:35,449 --> 00:08:37,014
I'M JUST SAYIN' THAT
187
00:08:37,050 --> 00:08:41,252
IF I WAS GONNA SPEND THE REST
OF MY LIFE WITH ONE PERSON,
188
00:08:41,287 --> 00:08:44,556
I'D WANNA KNOW DIFFERENT
WAYS OF, YOU KNOW,
189
00:08:44,591 --> 00:08:46,591
RUNNIN' THE OLD OFFENSE.
190
00:08:46,626 --> 00:08:48,560
PETE, I DON'T WANT
TO TALK TO YOU
191
00:08:48,595 --> 00:08:51,495
ABOUT SHARON AND ME DOIN' IT.
192
00:08:51,531 --> 00:08:55,000
SEE, LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME SAY.
193
00:08:55,035 --> 00:08:57,902
JOHNNY, THERE IS NO SHAME
IN ASKIN' SHARON TO TRY
194
00:08:57,937 --> 00:09:00,872
THE OLD "COBRA IN THE
HEN'S MOUTH" POSITION.
195
00:09:05,779 --> 00:09:06,878
YOU DON'T... NO.
196
00:09:06,913 --> 00:09:09,058
YOU DON'T BRING UP
KINKY STUFF LIKE THAT.
197
00:09:09,082 --> 00:09:12,217
IF SHE THINKS IT'S WEIRD, THEN
FOR THE REST OF OUR MARRIAGE,
198
00:09:12,252 --> 00:09:16,187
I'M KNOWN AS THE...
PERVO COBRA MAN.
199
00:09:20,060 --> 00:09:21,426
WAIT A MINUTE.
200
00:09:21,461 --> 00:09:24,696
DID... DID SHARON TALK
TO YOU ABOUT ANY OF THIS?
201
00:09:24,731 --> 00:09:26,664
WHAT?! NO! NO! GOD!
202
00:09:26,700 --> 00:09:30,134
LOOK, JOHNNY, SHARON
WOULD NEVER TALK TO ME
203
00:09:30,170 --> 00:09:32,603
ABOUT YOUR SEXUAL PROBLEMS.
204
00:09:32,638 --> 00:09:34,973
I DIDN'T SAY "PROBLEMS."
205
00:09:37,377 --> 00:09:40,277
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU
CALLED MY MOTHER A SHREW.
206
00:09:40,313 --> 00:09:42,013
SHE IS!
207
00:09:42,048 --> 00:09:45,016
AFTER DINNER, SHE TOLD ME SHE
ALWAYS COUNTS THE SILVERWARE,
208
00:09:45,051 --> 00:09:47,819
SO IF I WANTED TO RETURN
ANYTHING, NOW'S THE TIME.
209
00:09:47,854 --> 00:09:49,131
SHE DIDN'T WANT YOU
TO BE EMBARRASSED.
210
00:09:49,155 --> 00:09:51,323
BERG, I DIDN'T TAKE ANYTHING!
211
00:09:51,358 --> 00:09:53,858
YOU CROSSED THE
LINE. SHE'S MY MOTHER!
212
00:09:53,893 --> 00:09:55,638
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO TAKE MY SIDE.
213
00:09:55,662 --> 00:09:57,239
OR MAYBE YOU
DON'T HAVE THE GUTS.
214
00:09:57,263 --> 00:09:59,631
THIS IS A REALLY
UGLY SIDE OF YOU.
215
00:09:59,666 --> 00:10:02,233
WELL, AT LEAST I'M
NOT A MAMA'S BOY.
216
00:10:02,268 --> 00:10:04,903
YOU KNOW WHAT? STOP THAT!
YOU SAY THAT WORD ONE MORE...
217
00:10:04,938 --> 00:10:07,216
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO,
RUN AND TELL YOUR MOMMY?
218
00:10:07,240 --> 00:10:09,074
HEY, I DON'T NEED MY MOMMY
219
00:10:09,109 --> 00:10:11,909
TO TELL ME THAT
I'M DATING A NUT JOB!
220
00:10:13,113 --> 00:10:13,745
QUIT THAT.
221
00:10:13,780 --> 00:10:15,013
MAKE ME.
222
00:10:15,048 --> 00:10:16,528
I AM SORRY I EVER EVEN MET YOU!
223
00:10:16,581 --> 00:10:17,349
ME TOO!
224
00:10:17,384 --> 00:10:18,650
WHERE YOU GOIN'?
225
00:10:18,685 --> 00:10:20,863
TO PUT ON MY
SEE-THROUGH NIGHTIE,
226
00:10:20,887 --> 00:10:23,488
AND YOU BETTER BE
READY WHEN I GET BACK!
227
00:10:23,523 --> 00:10:25,490
[DOOR CLOSES]
228
00:10:25,525 --> 00:10:28,126
AND THE FLAME IS LIT.
229
00:10:34,101 --> 00:10:35,233
WOW.
230
00:10:35,268 --> 00:10:38,136
ASHLEY'S REALLY
SOMETHIN' SPECIAL.
231
00:10:38,171 --> 00:10:39,337
SHE SURE IS.
232
00:10:39,372 --> 00:10:41,372
LOOK, UH, DON'T TELL MOM,
233
00:10:41,407 --> 00:10:45,576
BUT ASHLEY DIDN'T SLEEP IN
THE GUEST ROOM LAST NIGHT.
234
00:10:45,611 --> 00:10:47,178
SHE SLEPT WITH ME.
235
00:10:47,213 --> 00:10:50,148
AFTER ALL THAT NOISE, I WAS
HOPING THAT WAS THE CASE.
236
00:10:50,183 --> 00:10:53,451
YOU KNOW, ASHLEY
REALLY TEED OFF YOUR MOM.
237
00:10:53,486 --> 00:10:56,187
SHE ENDED UP
TAKIN' IT OUT ON ME.
238
00:10:56,222 --> 00:10:57,399
OH, I'M SORRY.
239
00:10:57,423 --> 00:10:58,389
DON'T BE.
240
00:10:58,424 --> 00:10:59,758
WE HAVEN'T FOUGHT LIKE THAT
241
00:10:59,793 --> 00:11:01,726
SINCE THE NIGHT
YOU WERE CONCEIVED.
242
00:11:01,762 --> 00:11:03,762
d LA LA LA LA LA d
243
00:11:03,797 --> 00:11:07,431
[In singsong voice]
GOOD MORNING... TIGER.
244
00:11:07,467 --> 00:11:08,667
GRRRRR.
245
00:11:08,702 --> 00:11:10,334
HIYA, BABY.
246
00:11:10,370 --> 00:11:12,169
GOOD MORNING, MIKEY.
247
00:11:15,709 --> 00:11:18,309
HO! THAT WAS TOO EASY.
248
00:11:18,344 --> 00:11:20,278
BUT THEN AGAIN,
249
00:11:20,313 --> 00:11:22,914
I GUESS THE GIRL IN THE
MASCOT SUIT NEVER GETS TO PLAY.
250
00:11:24,951 --> 00:11:26,896
OKAY, YOU WANNA
PLAY A LITTLE HORSE?
251
00:11:26,920 --> 00:11:28,163
OR WAIT A MINUTE, SORRY.
252
00:11:28,187 --> 00:11:30,468
HAVE YOU HAD YOUR
MORNING CAN OF ENSURE?
253
00:11:33,860 --> 00:11:36,194
OH, SHE'S REALLY
MAD. THIS IS GREAT.
254
00:11:36,229 --> 00:11:38,562
I WAS HOPIN' TO GET
IN ONE MORE FIGHT
255
00:11:38,597 --> 00:11:40,031
BEFORE YOU KIDS LEFT.
256
00:11:40,066 --> 00:11:42,800
OH, MAN, YOU SOUND
EXACTLY LIKE ASHLEY AND ME.
257
00:11:42,836 --> 00:11:46,470
SEE, WE GET VERY, UH,
PASSIONATE WHEN WE'RE FIGHTING.
258
00:11:46,506 --> 00:11:47,872
[CLEARS THROAT]
259
00:11:47,907 --> 00:11:49,907
WE WOULDN'T HAVE
YOUR OLDER BROTHER
260
00:11:49,942 --> 00:11:51,442
IF I HADN'T TOLD YOUR MOTHER
261
00:11:51,478 --> 00:11:54,712
TO GET HER ASS IN THE KITCHEN
AND RUSTLE ME UP SOME DINNER.
262
00:11:56,716 --> 00:11:59,249
[Sarcastically]
SWEET STORY, DAD.
263
00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:01,952
HO! HA HA HA!
264
00:12:01,988 --> 00:12:04,956
DID YOU SEE THAT? I
DIDN'T EVEN WARM UP.
265
00:12:04,991 --> 00:12:06,891
YOU CAN QUIT NOW, IF YOU'D LIKE.
266
00:12:06,926 --> 00:12:09,004
NO, NO, I REALLY LIKE
YOUR SHOOTING STYLE.
267
00:12:09,028 --> 00:12:12,096
IT REMINDS ME OF NEWSREELS
WE USED TO WATCH IN P.E. CLASS.
268
00:12:18,538 --> 00:12:21,906
OH, LOOK, ONE OF US HAS AN "H."
269
00:12:21,941 --> 00:12:23,141
HA HA!
270
00:12:23,176 --> 00:12:25,876
NIKE DOES A COUPLE
COMMERCIALS FOR WOMEN,
271
00:12:25,911 --> 00:12:27,723
AND EVERY FLOOZY
WITH A SPORTS BRA
272
00:12:27,747 --> 00:12:29,146
THINKS SHE CAN PLAY BALL.
273
00:12:30,517 --> 00:12:32,016
TAKE ANOTHER TURN.
274
00:12:32,051 --> 00:12:34,252
JUST SHOOT THE DAMN BALL.
275
00:12:34,287 --> 00:12:37,088
YEAH, SHOOT THE
DAMN BALL, YOU OLD BAG.
276
00:12:39,392 --> 00:12:42,827
SO, UH, DAD, HOW DO YOU
GUYS KEEP THE FIGHTING FRESH
277
00:12:42,863 --> 00:12:44,729
AFTER ALL THESE YEARS?
278
00:12:44,764 --> 00:12:46,731
WE DON'T FIGHT ALL THAT MUCH.
279
00:12:46,766 --> 00:12:48,099
YOU DON'T?
280
00:12:48,134 --> 00:12:51,168
W-WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN
YOU'RE NOT FIGHTING?
281
00:12:51,204 --> 00:12:53,238
I MEAN, DON'T YOU GET BORED?
282
00:12:53,273 --> 00:12:54,305
NO, NO.
283
00:12:54,340 --> 00:12:56,473
AS A MATTER OF
FACT, LAST TUESDAY,
284
00:12:56,509 --> 00:12:58,176
WE WENT DOWN TO THE PARKERS'.
285
00:12:58,211 --> 00:13:00,945
THEY HAVE A SUNFLOWER
THE SIZE OF A HUBCAP.
286
00:13:00,980 --> 00:13:03,113
HAD A GREAT TIME.
287
00:13:05,118 --> 00:13:08,319
LISTEN, SON, I DON'T KNOW
ABOUT YOU AND ASHLEY,
288
00:13:08,354 --> 00:13:10,788
BUT MY BEST TIMES
WITH YOUR MOTHER
289
00:13:10,823 --> 00:13:12,524
ARE THE QUIET MOMENTS.
290
00:13:12,559 --> 00:13:13,958
THEN WHY DO YOU...
291
00:13:13,994 --> 00:13:16,728
WHY ARE YOU TRYIN'
TO KEEP MOM MAD?
292
00:13:16,763 --> 00:13:21,632
WELL, I DON'T ALWAYS
WANNA MAKE SWEET LOVE.
293
00:13:26,306 --> 00:13:28,139
I'M JUST REMEMBERING
294
00:13:28,174 --> 00:13:32,276
WHY WE STOPPED HAVING
THOSE FATHER-SON TALKS.
295
00:13:33,913 --> 00:13:36,314
YOUR TURN.
296
00:13:36,349 --> 00:13:39,317
IS THAT AS HARD AS YOU
CAN THROW THE BALL?
297
00:13:39,352 --> 00:13:41,119
NO, NO. I WAS JUST
TAKIN' IT EASY ON YOU
298
00:13:41,154 --> 00:13:44,455
BECAUSE I KNOW HOW
BRITTLE YOUR BONES MUST BE.
299
00:13:44,490 --> 00:13:45,634
HA HA HA HA.
300
00:13:45,658 --> 00:13:46,924
YOU KNOW WHAT?
301
00:13:46,960 --> 00:13:49,993
YOU REMIND ME OF
ME WHEN I WAS 40.
302
00:13:51,364 --> 00:13:54,299
I'M SURE YOU NEED TO BE
REMINDED ABOUT A LOT AT YOUR AGE.
303
00:13:58,037 --> 00:13:59,582
MRS. BERGEN, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
304
00:13:59,606 --> 00:14:00,571
OW.
305
00:14:00,607 --> 00:14:01,973
MRS. BERGEN?
306
00:14:02,008 --> 00:14:03,641
YOU'RE OKAY.
307
00:14:03,676 --> 00:14:06,511
ASHLEY, I'LL START
PACKING. YOU JUST RUN.
308
00:14:06,546 --> 00:14:09,447
SHE DOESN'T HAVE
TO GO. I HAD IT COMING.
309
00:14:09,482 --> 00:14:11,716
WAIT A MINUTE. SHE THREW
THAT BALL PRETTY HARD.
310
00:14:11,751 --> 00:14:12,884
DAD!
311
00:14:12,919 --> 00:14:14,352
SHE'S A FIGHTER.
312
00:14:14,387 --> 00:14:17,255
AND YOU NEED A WOMAN LIKE THAT.
313
00:14:17,290 --> 00:14:19,557
LET ME SEE IF YOUR
NOSE IS BROKEN.
314
00:14:19,592 --> 00:14:20,558
THANK YOU.
315
00:14:20,593 --> 00:14:21,959
AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
316
00:14:21,994 --> 00:14:24,173
YOU DO LOOK A LITTLE
LIKE MARY TYLER MOORE...
317
00:14:24,197 --> 00:14:27,164
"ORDINARY PEOPLE" MARY
TYLER MOORE, BUT STILL...
318
00:14:35,508 --> 00:14:36,508
[SNIFFS]
319
00:14:36,543 --> 00:14:39,577
EXCITEMENT! EXCITE! EXCITING!
320
00:14:39,612 --> 00:14:43,648
EXERCISE! EXAMEN!
EX... EXISTENTIAL!
321
00:14:43,683 --> 00:14:44,649
OOH.
322
00:14:44,684 --> 00:14:47,351
WHAT'S THAT SCENT
YOU'RE WEARING?
323
00:14:47,386 --> 00:14:50,788
[French accent] WHO
CARES? EXISTENTIAL.
324
00:14:50,823 --> 00:14:52,735
TELL HIM! TELL HIM
I DID NOT ASK YOU
325
00:14:52,759 --> 00:14:54,637
TO TALK TO HIM
ABOUT OUR SEX LIFE.
326
00:14:54,661 --> 00:14:56,505
DIDN'T WE TALK ABOUT KNOCKING?
327
00:14:56,529 --> 00:14:57,539
OH, GOD, I'M SORRY.
328
00:14:57,563 --> 00:14:59,408
KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK. HELLO!
329
00:14:59,432 --> 00:15:02,266
ALL RIGHT, COME IN.
330
00:15:02,302 --> 00:15:03,368
TELL HIM!
331
00:15:03,403 --> 00:15:04,602
THAT'S TRUE.
332
00:15:04,637 --> 00:15:06,315
SHE DIDN'T ASK
ME TO TALK TO YOU.
333
00:15:06,339 --> 00:15:09,039
SEE? WELL, I'VE
MOVED ON. LET'S GO.
334
00:15:09,074 --> 00:15:10,341
W-WAIT A MINUTE.
335
00:15:10,376 --> 00:15:12,877
THEN WHY DID WATCHING FOOTBALL
336
00:15:12,912 --> 00:15:16,080
SUDDENLY BECOME THE TALK I
NEVER HAD WITH MY FATHER?!
337
00:15:16,115 --> 00:15:19,717
WHAT IS SO STRANGE ABOUT TWO
GROWN MEN WATCHING FOOTBALL
338
00:15:19,752 --> 00:15:22,820
TALKING ABOUT EASTERN
LOVEMAKING TECHNIQUES?!
339
00:15:22,855 --> 00:15:24,154
YOU'RE RIGHT.
340
00:15:24,190 --> 00:15:26,990
WHY DON'T YOU GO DISCUSS
IT WITH SOME LONGSHOREMEN?
341
00:15:27,026 --> 00:15:29,593
OH, BRING A LITTLE
JAR FOR YOUR TEETH.
342
00:15:29,629 --> 00:15:30,595
YEAH, A JAR.
343
00:15:30,630 --> 00:15:35,300
I WAS JUST OFFERING SOME ADVICE.
344
00:15:35,335 --> 00:15:37,179
WELL, WE DON'T NEED YOUR ADVICE.
345
00:15:37,203 --> 00:15:39,804
WHAT SHARON AND I DO IN
OUR BEDROOM IN THE DARK
346
00:15:39,839 --> 00:15:42,373
AFTER TED KOPPEL IS
PRETTY DARN SPECIAL.
347
00:15:42,409 --> 00:15:43,374
YEAH.
348
00:15:43,409 --> 00:15:44,475
OKAY.
349
00:15:44,510 --> 00:15:46,210
DARN SPECIAL.
350
00:15:46,245 --> 00:15:47,211
OKAY.
351
00:15:47,246 --> 00:15:49,947
WHAT'S GOIN' ON HERE?
352
00:15:53,252 --> 00:15:55,953
SHARON, DID YOU
DISCUSS THIS WITH PETE?
353
00:15:55,989 --> 00:15:58,523
I CANNOT BELIEVE
NO, NO, NO. OKAY.
354
00:15:58,558 --> 00:16:00,302
BUT I DID NOT TELL
HIM TO TALK TO YOU.
355
00:16:00,326 --> 00:16:01,570
YOU GOTTA BELIEVE ME.
356
00:16:01,594 --> 00:16:03,505
I BETRAYED YOUR
TRUST IN CONFIDENCE.
357
00:16:03,529 --> 00:16:05,396
CAN I INTERJECT?
358
00:16:05,431 --> 00:16:06,508
NO! NO!
359
00:16:06,532 --> 00:16:07,798
WILL YOU DO US A FAVOR?
360
00:16:07,833 --> 00:16:10,267
FOR ONCE, CAN YOU STAY
OUT OF OUR BUSINESS?
361
00:16:10,303 --> 00:16:11,447
STAY OUT OF OUR BUSINESS.
362
00:16:11,471 --> 00:16:12,870
FINE!
363
00:16:12,905 --> 00:16:15,606
YOU DON'T HAVE TO HIT PETE
DUNVILLE OVER THE HEAD!
364
00:16:15,641 --> 00:16:17,075
SHARON?
365
00:16:17,110 --> 00:16:18,142
YEAH?
366
00:16:18,177 --> 00:16:20,778
DO YOU REALLY HAVE A PROBLEM
367
00:16:20,813 --> 00:16:22,313
WITH WHAT WE DO?
368
00:16:22,348 --> 00:16:24,348
NO, BABY. I LOVE WHAT WE DO.
369
00:16:24,383 --> 00:16:25,383
IT'S GREAT.
370
00:16:26,753 --> 00:16:28,686
WE'VE GOTTEN REALLY GOOD AT IT.
371
00:16:28,722 --> 00:16:31,723
IF ANYTHING, I THINK WE
PRETTY MUCH PERFECTED IT.
372
00:16:31,758 --> 00:16:36,694
SO, YOU'RE SAYING YOU
WANNA TRY OTHER STUFF?
373
00:16:36,729 --> 00:16:39,764
I DON'T KNOW. DO YOU?
374
00:16:39,799 --> 00:16:45,970
IF I SAID I DID, WOULD
YOU THINK I WAS A PERVO?
375
00:16:46,005 --> 00:16:51,108
NOT IF YOU WON'T THINK I'M ONE
FOR WANTING YOU TO SAY YES.
376
00:16:53,546 --> 00:16:55,780
SO, ARE WE GONNA?
377
00:16:55,815 --> 00:16:58,715
[Giggling] WHY NOT?
378
00:16:58,751 --> 00:16:59,716
WHERE DO WE START?
379
00:16:59,752 --> 00:17:00,885
I DON'T KNOW.
380
00:17:00,920 --> 00:17:04,155
Pete: PAGE 11! AND
YOU'RE WELCOME!
381
00:17:10,663 --> 00:17:11,807
I HAD A GREAT TIME.
382
00:17:11,831 --> 00:17:13,909
WE SHOULD SEND
YOUR MOM SOMETHING.
383
00:17:13,933 --> 00:17:15,600
YEAH, HOW ABOUT ONE OF THOSE
384
00:17:15,635 --> 00:17:19,069
FTD "SORRY I SMASHED
YOUR FACE" BOUQUETS?
385
00:17:19,105 --> 00:17:23,241
FOR A WEEKEND THAT STARTED
OUT AS A TOTAL DISASTER,
386
00:17:23,276 --> 00:17:24,976
IT WAS REALLY FUN.
387
00:17:25,011 --> 00:17:29,546
I ESPECIALLY LIKED IT WHEN
WE WERE ALL DOIN' THE PUZZLE,
388
00:17:29,582 --> 00:17:32,027
AND MY DAD SAID,
"THIS IS PUZZLING."
389
00:17:32,051 --> 00:17:34,185
HA!
390
00:17:34,220 --> 00:17:37,921
AND WE ALL LAUGHED.
391
00:17:41,827 --> 00:17:44,996
ASHLEY, LET ME
ASK YOU SOMETHING.
392
00:17:45,031 --> 00:17:46,631
ARE YOU HAPPY?
393
00:17:46,666 --> 00:17:48,066
YEAH. WHY?
394
00:17:48,101 --> 00:17:51,502
WELL, IT'S JUST THAT I
WAS, UH, TALKIN' TO MY DAD,
395
00:17:51,538 --> 00:17:55,239
AND HE WAS SAYING THAT THE
BEST TIMES IN A RELATIONSHIP
396
00:17:55,275 --> 00:17:57,742
SHOULD BE IN THE QUIET MOMENTS.
397
00:17:57,777 --> 00:18:00,155
HE'S RIGHT... LIKE
THE OTHER NIGHT.
398
00:18:00,179 --> 00:18:01,879
I HAD A REALLY NICE TIME.
399
00:18:01,914 --> 00:18:05,616
WE WERE SITTIN' AROUND,
FLIPPIN' THROUGH THE CHANNELS.
400
00:18:05,651 --> 00:18:06,617
YES, YES!
401
00:18:06,652 --> 00:18:08,152
AND I WAS THINKIN' NEXT WEEK,
402
00:18:08,187 --> 00:18:11,355
WE COULD GO IN THE KITCHEN
AND WATCH THE TOASTER.
403
00:18:14,260 --> 00:18:16,861
IS SOMETHING WRONG?
404
00:18:16,896 --> 00:18:19,063
WELL, MAYBE IT'S JUST ME,
405
00:18:19,098 --> 00:18:22,266
BUT IT SEEMS LIKE
OUR RELATIONSHIP
406
00:18:22,301 --> 00:18:26,370
IS ONLY REALLY INTERESTING
WHEN THERE'S DRAMA.
407
00:18:26,405 --> 00:18:28,473
THAT'S NOT TRUE.
408
00:18:28,508 --> 00:18:30,374
WELL, MAYBE IT'S JUST ME AGAIN,
409
00:18:30,409 --> 00:18:33,310
BUT, UH, IT SEEMED
TO BE MORE EXCITING
410
00:18:33,346 --> 00:18:36,146
WHEN YOU HATED
ME, AND I CHASED YOU.
411
00:18:36,182 --> 00:18:39,450
AND THEN, I HATED YOU,
AND YOU CHASED ME.
412
00:18:39,485 --> 00:18:41,886
AND NOW, WE'RE LIVING TOGETHER,
413
00:18:41,921 --> 00:18:44,355
AND EVEN MY MOM LIKES YOU.
414
00:18:44,390 --> 00:18:46,724
WHERE'S THE FUN IN THAT?
415
00:18:46,759 --> 00:18:50,094
WELL, GOSH, BERG, YOU COULD
PUT ON A MOUNTIE COSTUME,
416
00:18:50,129 --> 00:18:53,097
AND I COULD TIE MYSELF
TO THE RAILROAD TRACKS.
417
00:18:53,132 --> 00:18:55,766
WOULD THAT BE DRAMATIC
ENOUGH FOR YOU?
418
00:18:55,801 --> 00:18:57,679
YOU'RE NOT UNDERSTANDING
WHAT I'M TRYIN' TO SAY.
419
00:18:57,703 --> 00:18:59,637
NO, BERG, I THINK I
UNDERSTAND YOU QUITE WELL.
420
00:18:59,672 --> 00:19:02,240
WHAT YOU'RE SAYING
IS YOU LIKE FIGHTING.
421
00:19:02,275 --> 00:19:04,742
YOU LIKE IT WHEN
WE'RE AT EACH OTHER.
422
00:19:04,777 --> 00:19:06,978
I DO.
423
00:19:07,013 --> 00:19:09,146
I DO.
424
00:19:09,182 --> 00:19:10,222
I DID.
425
00:19:10,249 --> 00:19:12,750
LOOK, I DON'T WANT THAT ANYMORE.
426
00:19:12,785 --> 00:19:15,353
THEN WHAT DO YOU WANT?
427
00:19:15,388 --> 00:19:18,022
I WANT WHAT MY PARENTS HAVE.
428
00:19:18,057 --> 00:19:19,690
YEAH, AND WHAT'S THAT?
429
00:19:19,725 --> 00:19:22,827
I WANNA BE HAPPY IN
THE QUIET MOMENTS.
430
00:19:22,862 --> 00:19:25,829
YEAH, WELL, SO DO I. SO
WHAT IS THE PROBLEM?
431
00:19:28,334 --> 00:19:30,668
I'M NOT HAPPY.
432
00:19:37,176 --> 00:19:38,620
WHAT ARE YOU
DOIN'? I AM LEAVING.
433
00:19:38,644 --> 00:19:39,821
DON'T DO THAT.
434
00:19:39,845 --> 00:19:41,679
BERG, WHAT IS THE POINT?
435
00:19:41,714 --> 00:19:43,780
SO YOU CAN SIT THERE
WITH ME AND BE UNHAPPY?
436
00:19:44,850 --> 00:19:46,317
ENJOY THE QUIET MOMENTS.
437
00:19:46,352 --> 00:19:49,153
YOU'LL HAVE A LOT OF
THEM... ALL TO YOURSELF.
438
00:19:49,188 --> 00:19:50,721
ASH, COME ON!
439
00:19:50,757 --> 00:19:53,490
YOU D... [LAUGHS]
440
00:19:53,526 --> 00:19:54,625
GOD!
441
00:19:54,661 --> 00:19:56,460
[SIGHS]
442
00:20:02,968 --> 00:20:06,136
I SUBLET MY APARTMENT.
I HAVE NOWHERE TO GO.
443
00:20:23,790 --> 00:20:26,290
WHAT THE HELL IS GOIN' ON?
444
00:20:26,325 --> 00:20:29,193
ASHLEY AND I JUST BROKE UP.
445
00:20:29,228 --> 00:20:31,895
I'M SORRY, MAN.
446
00:20:33,733 --> 00:20:36,434
HEY, CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHIN'?
447
00:20:36,469 --> 00:20:38,369
YEAH.
448
00:20:38,404 --> 00:20:42,305
HOW LONG DO YOU NEED
BEFORE I START CELEBRATING?
449
00:20:53,319 --> 00:20:56,287
MORNING DEW.
450
00:20:56,322 --> 00:21:00,291
MOUNTAIN MIST.
451
00:21:00,326 --> 00:21:03,027
OOH, OOH. MOUNTAIN
DEW! MOUNTAIN DEW!
452
00:21:11,037 --> 00:21:13,337
IN... [INSECT BUZZES]
453
00:21:13,373 --> 00:21:15,272
INNOCENCE.
454
00:21:15,308 --> 00:21:18,442
TRAN... TRANQUILITY.
455
00:21:18,478 --> 00:21:23,014
SER... SERENITY.
456
00:21:23,049 --> 00:21:26,083
[BUZZING STOPS]
457
00:21:26,119 --> 00:21:29,220
TOXIC!
458
00:21:29,255 --> 00:21:31,322
[BLOWS]
459
00:21:34,322 --> 00:21:38,322
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