All language subtitles for Heels.S02E02.WEB

Previously on Heels...

I told Ace
about the Kleenex.

- What'd he say?
- The whole thing

was a little bit of a blur.

I'm gonna
fucking kill you!

I may not deserve it, but
if you give me another chance

I promise I'm never
gonna let you down again.

You wanna be seen?
You cannot rely on others

who want the focus on them.

Hey, Ace!

Your new DWL champion is

the valet,

Bunny Bombshell--according
to Jack Spade's logic,

I guess anybody
can just grab the belt.

Jack,
you need my expertise.

You don't know, really,
what the fuck you're doing.

You must introduce
me to Wild Bill.

Bill, this is Constance.
She booked us for the fair.

You are a wise woman,
Constance.

You got suspended?

You can't hit people
out of anger.

Dad hit Uncle Ace
at the hospital.

Jack, each action
and each situation,

you could've resisted.
You embraced 'em.

You fucking leaned in.

You act like
you're some kind of genius.

You ruined my fucking life.

Tomorrow's a new day.

You could talk to him more.

This is Ace.
Leave a message,

and I'll hit you back.

Thatta boy, Ace.

Thatta boy.

Hey, Willie,
it's Brian from Mayorca Beer.

Uh, couldn't make the show,
but heard the news.

Congratulations.

Now let's square up,
uh, accounts

now that you're flush.

I'm around all day.
Give me a call.

Oops, must've missed
your message, Brian,

you perky fake fuck.

Willie,
Reggie from Connors Roofing.

Tell Jack I gotta get paid.
It's been eight months.

Never a lid.
Never a lid.

Lids just vanish.

See you guys tonight.
No idea when.

Hey, hug.

In two years,
I'll be off to college,

- and you'll miss me.
- Really?

Get your grades up,
or you won't sniff a college

you can go away to.

Have fun at work, hon.

I thought
she was quittin' the DWL.

Me too, love.
Me too.

- What's wrong?
- Hey.

Sorry, no one died.

But I just got an alert
about a county highway meetin'

on the family calendar, so...

Sorry, I keep clicking

on the wrong calendar.

No worries.
We all do it.

The county's taking bids,

but they moved that meetin'
to the 11th.

Jack, today's the 11th.

Fuck!

Fuck, fuck, fuck!

Shit!
God damn it!

Just call
and say you overslept.

Jack, you're okay.

Jack, you there?

Yeah, no, I'm here,
in our home.

I'm just not where I should be,
which is selling

industrial fucking lawnmowers,
God damn it!

I'm sorry.
I love you.

Shit!

Jack, they love you there.

So don't rush.
Also, I wanna remind you

we gotta meet with
Thomas' principal tomorrow

to discuss
the punching incident.

It's also on
the shared family calendar--

the purple one.

Timmy's got me scheduled
to open the shop tomorrow

if I'm not fired today.

Thomas is suspended
until we meet with the school.

Well, do we both
have to be there?

Because I took off
too much time for the fair,

and my leverage has dwindled.

Both parents
need to be there.

Well, then I'll be there.

Jack, you sell more lawnmowers
than anyone else

at that company.

Chisel that onto my gravestone.

Drive safely.
Call me later.

I will.

So nice to go on a run
with you.

Sorry, I just--
I needed to run hard, think,

then run and not think.

You and Thomas can stay here
as long as you need.

What's up?

Oh, Jack just added
a work meeting

on the shared family calendar.

I was afraid he'd miss it,
so I called him.

You're nicer
than I would've been.

Not really.

Poor guy's always doing
three things at once.

He's--I feel for the guy.

He's...

he's my guy still.

We just...

gotta find our way
back to each other.

Hey, you and I need to talk.

Where are you?

Why?
You bringin' over croissants?

- You wish.
- That's why I suggested it.

I just wanna
make sure that last night,

when we were talking,
you weren't blackout drunk

or high as shit, because if you
and I are gonna work together,

we really need to be--you know.

No, I wasn't high last night.

You're whispering.

You've got some chippy
in your bed, don't ya?

A lady, not a chippy.
Her name's Constance.

I believe you've met.

You banged Constance,
the fair commissioner?

Perhaps I did.
Perhaps I did not.

Which would you prefer?

Oh, my God!
That dirty, dirty bird.

She's quite nice--
and the reason we got the fair.

Correction--
I'm the reason we got the fair.

Yeah, okay, well, she still
owes us our appearance fee.

So you tell that dirty bird--

Hey! Slut-shamer.
Stop calling her that.

I will call that trampy little
knob-gobbler whatever I want.

Get her to get me a check.

I've got countless overdue
bills I gotta pay today.

Happy to be of service.

You've serviced nothing
but that dirty Tweety's twat.

Get her up out of bed and get
her flapping her wings my way.

And if her check
doesn't bounce,

maybe you'll get
some goddamn croissants.

Chocolat, s'il vous plait.
Merci.

Oh, God damn it.

Thank you.

Oh, uh, I'd like
the restroom key, please.

You gotta buy something,
thank you.

Um, I'll get just the key--
would be great.

Key's for people
who buy something.

I bought four Cokes at a
Gas 'N' Break five hours back.

I didn't sell you those Cokes.

Each Gas 'N' Break's
a franchise.

Profits from those Cokes
are in the register

of the Gas 'N' Break
five hours back, not mine.

Well, yeah, but come on, man.

You guys draft off each other,
right?

Makes sense that
if I buy X amount of liquid

at Gas Break A, I should be
able to use the restroom

at Gas Break B.

People lie all the time.

I got the empty Cokes

and the receipt in my Volvo
to prove it.

I'm just tryin'
to piss it back out.

Y'all gotta come up with some
sort of sales QR tracking code

or some shit,
so we're not debatin'

a man's right
to relieve himself.

Sir, I'm not
in the restroom business.

If you wanna piss out
their Cokes,

drive back, piss out
their Cokes in their restroom,

or you could buy
a new Coke here.

I'll loan you my key.

I got Coke,
Cherry Coke, Coke Zero.

Stick 'em all up your ass, sir.

You gon' wash that all away.

This fucking...

That's it. Now git.

For good.

First time I kissed a man
with a moustache.

Ooh, so last night
was your first time

riding one too?

You took to it pretty well.

If you need me today,

I'll be at my chiropractor.

Don't tell Willie
I forgot the check

because you seduced me.

How 'bout we go to my big,
empty house next time?

Gets cold there, maybe you can
come by and warm me up.

I'll use my entire body
as a giant blanket.

Mmm. Mm.

Mmm.
Mmm!

Would you like to touch it
one more time before you go?

Not in a parking lot.

But definitely later.
Call me.

Will do.

Hey, guys,
we've got Jim Freeman

with us today, author of
one of my favourite books,

The Journey is the Obstacle.

Jim, please.

Tell the folks about your
inspiration for writing it.

Thanks, Alex.

So there's many an adage
that has led us astray.

Top of the list--

life's about the journey,
not the destination.

-I say bullshit.
-Right.

Many of us are stuck
on the wrong journey.

Yet we dawdle,
because we've been taught

that we don't deserve
the astonishing now.

You cannot create your own
version of the astonishing now

if you're mired
in making a foolish journey

seem meaningful.

The journey you've chosen
is your obstacle.

Yeah, totally.
I can see that.

If the journey you're on
is not astonishing

in its spectacularity,

you must abandon it
and start anew.

- Mm.
- Each of us are called

to ignite journeys sparked

with the transcendent power
of the astonishing now.

But so many of us
don't answer.

Wake up!

Hey, Siri,
define "transcendent."

Whoo, there's the champ!

Did you sleep

with that thing on?

Oh, I did not sleep.

I didn't want the feeling
of that moment to end.

Didn't end.
It is just starting.

Oh, thank you.

Hey, um,

Bobby,
I just wanted to say...

thank you
for being in my corner.

I've never had
anyone in my corner.

Not like you.

It's dope.

Well, your corner's
a fun corner.

- Hey!
- Hey!

Amazing job last night.

Well, last night's over.

Today,
the wolves are at the door.

People think
we're flush with cash now.

Money from the fair
is spoken for--

still got a mountain
of unpaid bills.

We always knew the state fair
was gonna be a loss leader.

We did it to capitalise
on the buzz that we'd get.

Don't tell me why we did it.
I know why we did it.

I also know a lot of that buzz
paints us as jabronis.

Gully's already cut two promos,
saying our finish was bogus.

I already blew off
all of Gully's heat.

Get on Instagram,

'cause half our comments are
Dystopia marks mockin' us

-on our own page.
-Let 'em.

Nobody ever gave a shit.
Now they do.

That's good.

Not if we don't know

what we are doing.

Look, I got 50 texts--
media, fans, sponsors--

possible momentum, but
I got no-mentum with no plan

because the fair's finish
was not our plan.

- We're back to square one.
- No.

Mystery plus confusion
equals ticket sales.

We're at, the very least,
at square two.

Ticket sales?
To what?

Look, I don't know
what I'm promotin'.

Is Crystal really champ?
Bunny?

Is someone calling
someone else out?

Maybe there's
an in-ring interview

with Bill's
shit-stained tights.

I don't need a full script,
just a gist,

just a sliver of a gist,
something to promote.

We gotta pack the house, dude.
We gotta pack it this week,

next week,
and the week after that.

We gotta pack it
over and over and over.

What the fuck is up with Ace?

'Cause he vanished last night.

I'm gonna go see him
this afternoon.

And do what, just have a laugh
about how y'all almost

killed each other in the ring?

He heard the cheers.
He knows what we achieved.

-It was greatness.
-Well, good.

Maybe greatness can be achieved
a second time

by inspiring some words
to come out of your mouth,

about what the fuck happens
next?

Goin' to round everyone up.

This is Ace.
Leave a message,

and I'll hit you back.

Ace, look, I know
we had an eventful endin'

to last night's show,
and we hadn't talked yet.

I've been trying to reach out

and I'm sure
you're still sleepin'.

Willie's been up my ass
for next week's show.

Look, just tell me
what you wanna do.

And we'll do it.
Okay?

Let's build off
of what we accomplished--

together.

I think these boys
got something here.

I'd cut back on the road dates,
build the business with them.

-You?
-Only if you promise

your possum drone
will puke in Jack's face.

I'll shake on that right now.

Look, a lot of upside here,
a lot of potential.

But they need a update--
announcers, big screens

so the live house
can watch promos, vignettes,

interviews, maybe a podcast--
gotta take it beyond the ring.

Look at you, Bill,
wakin' up with ideas.

Twitchin' her cottontail ass,

so she got the belt.

According to Jack
Spade's logic, I guess anybody

can just grab the belt.

They don't even need to be
in the back.

They could be a bunny,
a chipmunk,

or a palomino pony
with a braided tail.

That boy's neck
must be made of concrete.

Billy, you clobbered him.

Hurtin' him put a hop
in my step.

Gully's got
a good point, though.

It was a no-DQ match,
but Crystal still wasn't in it.

Crystal won.
They cheered.

You didn't seem this concerned

with Crystal winning
last night.

Eh, I just shotgunned
three beers, bro.

I'm just saying.

In the light of day,
we got some explainin' to do.

Hardcore fans won't respect us
if we don't.

Now boys,
it is what we make of it.

Maybe since Crystal's
Bill's valet,

she won it for Bill.

You fixed it even better,
Ricky.

Somebody bring
big daddy my belt.

How are the hangovers, y'all?

Round of applause
for all of us!

Yeah right!

Willie!
Debbie.

Everything that you did
behind the scenes--bravo.

You are seen.
You are appreciated.

Thank you.

- Whoo.
- Good job, ladies.

- That's right.
- Ricky!

It's good to have you with us
last night.

You lent us your fans
and your skillset.

- Thank you.
- Amen!

- Ricky!
- Whoo.

I hate that stupid heart thing,

almost as much as when
they bow with praying hands.

The Dad!

I-I didn't see your match,
but Willie says you did good.

Thank you and congrats.

- Yeah.
- All right, Dad.

Yo, he fucking killed it.

- All right, Dad.
- Big Jim.

Okay, he's back.

- Big Jim.
- Talk to your wife.

Make it official.
We're better with you here.

- Yes, sir.
- Welcome back, Jim.

Sure hope these guys like
gettin' paid in compliments,

'cause that's all we've got
left to pay 'em with.

Bill.

You swallowed
your embarrassment,

and you kept the show goin'
last night.

That gesture, that means a lot,

not just 'cause
it benefitted us,

but for what it says about you
as a friend to the DWL.

Says I shoulda took a enema.

Crystal.

You launched yourself
into the chaos last night

of some festering
Spade family drama.

And we only weathered it
'cause of you.

It's 'cause of your guts.
It's your instinct.

It's your heart.

I'm grateful for you.

Thank you.

That shit was amazing.

Last but not least
is Ace Spade,

who's still sleeping
apparently.

When everything was gettin'
crazy last night,

before Crystal saved the day,

Ace coulda climbed the ladder,
grab the belt, but he didn't.

Okay?

'Cause he cares about
this here promotion.

DWL was resuscitated,

because Ace and I shook hands

on a vow of loyalty.

And for real bad reasons,
I-I squandered that.

So if anyone here

has a problem
with Ace Spade...

...it started with me.

I deserve the blame,

because I put
y'all's hard work at risk.

I'm sorry.

I gotta write this week's show.

Crystal,

you're now a DWL wrestler.

Welcome to the roster.

Okay, for this week's card,

I gotta rewind a few things
just a little bit.

We're gonna invalidate
the results of the ladder match

due to technicalities,

build some heat,
promote the shit out of it,

deliver killer stories.

I want y'all to stay sharp,
stay tuned.

We survived.

Now, let's build on it.
Thank you.

Jack, come on!

That shit's not fair!

I think I deserve
way more than scraps.

It's bullshit that
I have to give up the belt

after holdin' it for one night.

I'm confused.

I should be able to defend
my title in the ring,

not relinquish it
on some fuckin' technicality.

You came to my house.

You said you'd do whatever
it takes for the DWL.

So there were conditions
you didn't disclose then?

Jack, I'm tryna talk
about my future in the DWL

in the present.

We were together in the past,
five seconds ago,

when I pronounced you
a DWL wrestler,

which, 24 hours ago,
you were not.

I'm not arguin' that.

No?
You were shoutin' after me

and calling bullshit.

Jack, I- I followed you
to talk to you.

A week ago, you cried to me,
saying that you would do

anything for the DWL.

I wasn't crying to you.

I was trying to take
responsibility for my actions.

But it would seem
that "anything" meant

before you got the belt.

'Cause now you got the belt,

and you're the one
who's telling me what's next?

That's what you left out
when you were cryin'

and apologisin'.

You're real focused
on that day.

I gotta square that day with
what's happening right now.

And do not consider any part

of any event scraps.

So let me know if you wanna
be part of this promotion.

Follow me, fucko.

- Ah.
- You just got a gift.

I was just trying
to stick up for my--

Shut up!

I thought you were smart.

Jack just gave you more praise
than anyone in this buildin'.

I got two sentences.
You got a monologue.

He actually used the words,
"I am so grateful for you."

And you go marchin' after him,
stampin' and stompin'

in your little Care Bear boots,
whinin' "No fair"?

Jesus.

This promotion
is in the dark ages

when it comes
to women wrestlers.

You ever wrestled
a 30-minute match?

'Cause that's what it takes
to be at the top of the card

in this business--30 minutes.

How's your cardio, hmm?

And what's your gimmick?

'Cause as far
as the audience knows,

Bunny Bombshell
now has the DWL belt--

or whoever Bunny was,
before you tore your ears off.

We don't know.

So if you've got solutions,
share 'em.

Otherwise,
quit runnin' your mouth.

I wasn't tryin'
to run my mouth.

Really?
'Cause you opened it,

and you let words spew forth
without thinkin'.

-If you say so.
-Oh, I say so.

I fuckin' know so.

I've lost my life
to this business.

So listen to what I say.

I'm sorry.

I am listening.

Really.

Well, I have no idea
who your Mr. Miyagi is,

but clearly,
you've been practicin'.

You didn't learn all that on the
trampoline in your front yard.

Regardless,

there's a match
this Saturday night,

and before your hissy fit,
Jack was writin' you into it.

For all I know, now he's in
his office writin' you out.

Well, I will go
apologise to him.

You will sit in this room
for ten minutes

and do nothin' but reflect

on how you can better speak to
people about your aspirations.

Nobody owes you shit.

Today's Monday.

Your road to fairness
starts now.

Go get one of the boys,
who isn't tryin'

to stick his dick in you
to help and start workin'.

Get in the ring.

Get through five minutes
of action nonstop,

then ten minutes,
then 15, then 20.

And if you can't do that, well,
that's the story Jack writes--

you sidelined
before you even got started.

And whose fault is that?

- Hey, Ma.
- Hi.

What's with the rocks?

I'm bombarded
with junk mail.

I discovered if
I ship back a box of rocks

using the
postage-paid-by-addressee

envelope,
it'd cost them a lot of money,

and it stops.

-Respect.
-Mm-hmm.

I've been calling Ace
since last night.

Well, we--

the show went well, but we had
a little bit of a spat.

He's gone, Jack.

You make it sound ominous.

He left with food
and his sleeping bag.

Then just say he went camping.

He went camping, Jack.

You don't think
he went camping.

Took his Xbox.

Welcome.

Please be made aware that this
establishment is cash only.

No credit card, no Venmo,
no PayPal, no Apple Pay,

no crypto--cash only.

Seems pretty restrictive.

I'll just have some,
uh, white toast.

Hmm, tryna lose weight?

Just tryna enjoy some toast.

Let me buy you a meal, partner.

Man with your frame
needs protein.

I'm not tryin' to offend.

I've had days where
all I ate was toast.

I like toast.

Can't trust a man who doesn't.

-I usually--
-Buddy, I ain't lonely.

Go find some other runaway
to make s'mores with.

Mm.

Well, you seem kind of old
to be a runaway.

Hey!

So you dining and dashing
on me, you motherfucker?

What you mean?

- What?
- Pay.

Get--pay yo' bill.

Oh, God.

- Keep the change.
- Change?

Keep the fuck away from here,
you goddamn thief.

Hey.

Here.

I don't know why I did that.

I do.

You feel the world
owes it to you.

So you keep it.

- Okay.
- Come on.

Come on, Dad.

- Nice, nice, nice.
- Attagirl.

That was 12 minutes.

That was not 12 minutes.

That was 11 minutes,
46 seconds.

Ah, that sucked.

Diego, you think you can last
15 minutes with me?

Uh...

Okay.
All right.

In a bygone era,
I woulda had a great answer

to that question,
but I'll just say this.

Let's lock up.

Ah.

Hey, man, you work here?

Are you buying or complaining?

Buyin'.
Uh, is this, uh, jacket

good for the rain?

What do you mean
"good for the rain?"

If I'm in the rain,
will I be good?

Well, it is a raincoat.

So I think the answer is yes.

You ever gone camping
in Dover Springs?

Nah, I hate camping.

You work
at a camping store.

Alimony.
Don't ever get married.

So if you're hikin' and campin'
in Dover Springs,

I hope you're all geared up.
You got bear spray?

There's bears in Dover Springs?

Oh, yeah, lots of 'em.

They passed a law
you can't kill 'em anymore,

but bears don't seem
to be thankful about that

when you run into 'em,
so watch out.

You got hiking boots?

Uh, naw, I was just--
I was just gonna wear these.

You're gonna hike
in soccer shoes?

It's pretty rough terrain.

They're broken in.
I'll be good.

Hey, I just wanna make sure

you know what you're doin'
up there.

I mean, you're asking me about
the efficacy of a raincoat.

This--
this particular raincoat.

Raincoats always work, man.
That's why they're raincoats.

Do you sell tents?

Oh, my God.

Every time,
just keeps making the bus.

I don't understand...

I don't think
it's too bad.

I'll smile more to offset it.

Thank you
for waking me up yesterday.

Think we're gonna get that
contract with the county--

a lot of mowers.

Jack, that's so great.

Ace left town.

I have no idea where.

I think the idea is he don't
want me havin' any idea,

'cause he hates me.

He doesn't.
He's not gone far.

He took his Xbox.

I never shoulda
told him the truth.

Staci, we were cookin'.

We had arrived.

Let's just have this meeting,
get Thomas back in school.

Ace will be back.

Hello there,
Mr. Spade, Mrs. Spade.

-Good to see you again.
-Hey, good to see you.

Despite the circumstances.
Um...

-This is Jennifer Stone.
-Hi.

Pleasure to meet you,
Ms. Stone.

- Hi.
- She works with

the district
as a school psychologist.

Uh, sorry we kept you waiting.

Uh, no worries at all.

The amount of time I spent
in this here office as a boy

makes me nostalgic to be back.

Usually,
the principal's office

brings up scary memories.

I hope you weren't
a troublemaker, Mr. Spade.

Well, I didn't
necessarily make any trouble--

didn't shy away from it
when it found me,

certainly wasn't scared of it.

Violence sometimes suggests
a deeper issue going on

with a child, and the proximity
to professional wrestling

may even normalise it.

It's boys.
We handled it at home.

Tell us.
We're concerned.

No need for a concern.
It's handled.

Thomas understands he can't use
his fists to express himself.

Well, not at school, anyways.

School, their rules.

School rules say you can't
defend yourself that way.

Noted.

There's no need
for a deeper dive.

Okay, well, the video evidence
of the incident

might amend
your feelings about it.

You got any audio evidence?

Audio evidence
would amend your feelings,

because audio evidence would

reveal what provoked Thomas
that day.

Thomas broke the boy's nose.

We want to make every effort
to de-escalate the situation.

I-I-It's over.

It's de-escalated.

You think this is funny?

No, I don't.

But I was just recalling
when I was in fifth grade here.

A kid named Dave Curley

pulled down Becky Colquit's
pants at recess.

Becky's brother, Todd,
stepped up.

He broke Dave's nose,

and then he broke
Dave's left arm.

And Dave learned something
that day about bullying.

Now, guess what?

Dave turned into
a pretty good guy.

He's working as a social worker
now up in Raleigh.

Thomas is a sensitive boy,

who responded in a way
we don't prefer.

Thomas got told
to go fuck himself.

That's bullying.

Thomas taught that bully
a life lesson

about using threats
and fightin' words.

There's no such thing

as fighting words, Mr. Spade.

Fighting words escalate
into a school shooting,

and you don't want that,
do you?

Did you just ask me
if I wanted this to escalate

to a school shootin'?

I did.

Until Congress legislates an
approved list of fighting words

that justifiably
provoke physical retribution,

we're just gonna draw the line
at no punching,

no kicking, no scratching,
no pulling hair too,

but top on the list
is no punching.

Make sense?

Totally. Completely.

Well, mission accomplished.

That was one of
the worst routes ever taken

to accomplish any mission ever.

It's a miracle
we got out of that meetin'

with them agreein'
to let Thomas back in school.

Well, Staci, it's over and done
with, and he's unsuspended,

so what is the deal
for tonight?

You gon' drive to Alpharetta,
grab Thomas,

and just come on back,
'cause that's a--

That's a lot of driving
for one day.

I don't even know what to s--

Staci, I came to the meetin'.

Me, it's Jack.
It's my point of view.

I figure since
we were invited--

Summoned.
We were summoned.

They had the district
school psychologist there.

This wasn't a meetin'
about detention and writin'

"I'm sorry for punching"
200 times.

They think our son might
have mental health issues.

They...

They're concerned

that the school district's
gonna get sued.

They're just tryin'
to cover their ass.

They wanted us to acknowledge
punching as wrong.

How could you not read that?

'Cause punchin'
is not always wrong.

Listen, are we supposed to live
according to principle,

or we just supposed
to suck it up?

We're supposed to live
according to principle

and common sense.

Well, let me know
when to use which.

And hey, how- how is it that
I'm here talkin' 'bout Thomas,

and you're clearly
tryin' to talk about me?

No, I'm talkin' about
all of us.

This is exactly my point.

I think
we're doin' this together,

and then you go rogue,
arguing about fighting words.

No, goin' rogue's fightin'

in the absence
of fightin' words.

Those people
have master's degrees.

If they think we should
reframe our son's behaviour,

maybe we should just listen.

I listened,
then I responded.

You talked.
You schooled the school people.

What the hell, man?

You have one gear lately--
confrontational.

I was in there
defendin' our son,

who did not have
mental health issues--

I don't wanna argue.

I just wanna hold your hand

and walk through
this life together.

But I...

I sure can't imagine
anyone observin' us

and thinking,
"Wow, what a great marriage."

But it's what I want.

It's what we deserve,
and it's not this.

And I'm not
in a hurry to come home

if this is the way
we're gonna treat a--

Go ahead.

Say something else

about how I'm no longer
the man that you married.

Stop provoking me.
I wasn't going--

I did what you asked.
I told Ace the truth.

I'm here at this meetin'
listening to those two

fucking idiots tell us
that our son is a bully,

which is not true.

I conceded the point.
I did not think it true,

but I did for you,
for Thomas, for us.

I can play by the rules,
but you're here,

and you're threatenin' me,
Staci.

You're threatenin'
to stay separated!

No, I am telling you

I am so disoriented
and--and--and unfamiliar

by this way you now seem
to express your unhappiness.

And that it has to change,
Jack,

because I can't do it
like this.

Well, I don't know

when you got so conditional,
but there it is.

-Don't say it's conditional.
-That's fine.

-No, it is!
-Who the fuck are you?

It is!

And look,
may- maybe it should be.

I get--I get it.

I'm--I'm gonna stop
asking you to come home,

because clearly,
I haven't earned it.

Who am I?

I disappeared

the day my dad
shot himself in the head.

And Daddy's final words
to me were,

"Jack, take care of Ace,"
and I thought that I was.

I'm a man
who's desperate to provide,

who's tryin' to build a home
for all of us.

And, Staci,
I'm failin' at all that.

So n--so I'm--so I'm a man

who doesn't know
where his brother is,

and--and whose wife and son
have left him

alone in our home.

Now what's that make me?
Who's that make me?

I'm just a dude.

I'm just...

I'm just a dude who's tryin'.

And all I'm doin' instead
is I'm fuckin' everything up.

I'm a disaster.

I don't know

what I have to do

to find the guy
that I was before.

I don't know the first thing.

I'ma figure it out.

This is Ace.
Leave a message,

and I'll hit you back.

Ace, hey, listen to me, man.

I don't know how far
you went or where,

but I know that
you took your Xbox with you.

So just tell me what I gotta do
to get you back here.

You want me to run down
Main Street naked

with a pumpkin head?

Done! All right?

I messed up,
but I need you with me,

and I want you to know
that I won't keep on working

to build this thing
until you decide to come back.

You know that
you gon' come back,

because you were
born to wrestle!

So just reach out,
and let's fix this!

Okay, okay.

Naked lady walks into a bar.

Poodle under one hand.

There's no way, dude.

Ace has gone away,
no idea where.

New plan--Crystal,
you're gon' be on the card.

Where?
I don't know.

But we're gonna throw you
in the deep end.

That way, if you drown,

we will not have wasted
any time.

Don't ask me how it ends.
Don't ask me how it begins.

I'm gonna write a promo.
We're gonna shoot it tonight.

Brew some coffee.

Jesus, the minute
we get some momentum--

these fucking brothers, man.

Now Ace quit?
Rooster defected.

Pock's gone AWOL.
Bobby's leg's broke.

It's fucking great.

Actually,
I'm healing really fast.

Doctor said that
I make more calcium

than the average person.

How's that work, exactly?

You got, like,
a milk titty in your leg?

Hey, Jack.

Want you to know I'm here

to relieve some pressure,
here to help.

Bill, if you're gonna
tell me that I don't know

what the fuck I'm doing again,
no, thank you.

"You don't know
what the fuck you're doin'"

is not an insult.

It isn't.

Look, you can't be judged on
your ability to do something

if you haven't been
properly taught how--

no disrespect to your dad.

Hey, you wanna go
where he never went

and where I've been.

Sometimes my turns of phrase
misfire.

I own that.
I offer an apology.

And I am here to help.

Not to disrupt.

Now, look.

We are, right now,
what we call in the business,

butt-fucked.

The finish to the title match
gave us a huge pop,

but we booked ourselves
into a corner.

We gotta figure out
how to make you whole again

while still pushing Crystal
without emasculatin'

your sausage party
of a talent roster.

Look, you can write.

Write.

But I got some ideas--

some good ones.

I'd like to share 'em
with you.

In this...

...battered notebook,
one of about 100,

there lies the scribbled wisdom
born out of 7,000 nights

in 6,000 motels.

Let's put our heads together
and get this shit goin'.

As president
of the Duffy Wrestling League

board of directors,
I called this press conference

to address
the recent controversy.

Last week,
in an overzealous moment,

our referee erroneously awarded
the title to Bunny Bombshell,

who was not a legal competitor
in the title match,

and therefore,
was ineligible to win.

- Huh.
- 'Scuse me.

This referee

is now suspended without pay,
pending an investigation.

There's no need.
There's no need.

I'm retiring from reffing.

Praise the Lord.

Nice passing the heat
to the ref.

Time-tested good shit.

Shut the fuck up, Kevin.

Bill Hancock was incapacitated
during the match

and left unattended,

a grievous oversight
by our entire promotion.

I want to apologise
to Mr. Hancock

for our mishandling of your
gastrointestinal complication

and offer you Jack Spade
in a ladder match rematch

for the DWL title.

This is only happenin',

'cause he's threatenin'
to sue the DWL!

Eddie.

I accept your completely
unmotivated apology.

But if you're looking
for who to blame,

look at who might gain
through sabotage.

Jack Spade.

Ace Spade.

I was poisoned!

And who had better access

than my so-called valet,
Bunny freakin' Bombshell?

A valet that had just come off
workin' with Ace Spade.

Maybe they never stopped
working together.

Keep on using them
fightin' words, Bill,

and you're gonna find yourself
in a world of hurt.

You got your money,
and you got your lawyers,

but what you also have
is a mouth writin' checks

that your leaky ass
can't cash!

Let's go right now, big Jack!

Please!
Leave it for the ring,

where we will all gladly pay

to see you spill
one another's blood.

And now, Ms. Bombshell--

Whoa, check yourself.

My name is not Bunny Bombshell
or Tits McGee

or any other
cartoon stage name

this hairy, syphilitic sack
of skin tried pinnin' on me.

You will call me Crystal Tyler.

I am a grown, damn woman.

Oh, you think it's funny,
Jack Spade, huh?

I do.

What's funny was that look
on your face

after I kicked your ass
and took your title!

-You wanna go right now?
-I'll do whatever...

-Whoa, whoa, whoa.
-Ms. Tyler!

I am impressed
by your competitive fire,

but this belt and the title
are gonna be held in abeyance

until Saturday's match

between Jack Spade
and Wild Bill Hancock.

And Ace Spade, you're invited
to return to Duffy

and challenge
for the belt again.

If not, your spot'll be taken
by another challenger.

See you all Saturday,
7:30 p.m.,

live from the Duffy Dome.

- Cut.
- Good!

Hey, good job.

- Nice job.
- Very well done!

Ain't nothin'
without the words, Shakespeare.

Hey.
Standing room only.

Field of fucking Dreams
out there.

Promo worked so good.

Merch is moving.
Beer is flowing.

We're gonna make
some money tonight.

Yeah, they still gotta buy
what we're sellin' in the ring.

Okay, one victory at a time.

You sure about the finish?
Just confirming.

This is Ace.
Leave a message,

and I'll hit you back.

Hey, if you show up here

in the next ten minutes or so,
just slide in the back,

and I'll fill you in
once we're in the ring.

Otherwise,
I'm gon' keep reachin' out,

and I'm gon' keep leavin'
these messages.

I need you back here.

Let's go.

Ace! Ace! Ace!

Ace! Ace! Ace!

Folks,
I'm sorry to say this,

but Ace Spade is a no-show.

But you were promised
a triple threat ladder match

for the DWL strap, and that's
exactly what you're gonna get.

Ace Spade's sudden
and mysterious absence

has provided
the opportunity of a lifetime.

I am makin' an open challenge

to any other man
on the DWL roster.

Now, who's it gonna be?

How 'bout a woman?

I got a DWL contract
right here,

which means I'm on the roster.

No, no, no, no!

And I came here
for what's mine--

to win back my belt!

Oh, don't encourage her
now, folks.

She's a spectator
just like yourselves tonight.

Look at this
typical male bull crap.

Woman comes in, beats three men

only to have a fourth man

manufacture some technicality

to dismiss her.

They're lookin' at me like,

"Who's this bitch
think she is?"

Shut up!

You guys see that
look on Jack Spade's face?

Yeah, he don't like a lady

using such language in the DWL,
but you know what?

You're actually right
about me, Jack.

My name is Crystal Tyler,

and I am the baddest bitch

the DWL has ever seen!

Nice.

I am the real goddamn champ

till one of you has got
the balls to take it from me.

Your job is to hop around
and fetch my robe.

So quit twitching
your little bunny tail here

and hop on out!

This match is no place
for a woman.

Crystal Tyler,
you want in the match?

You got it!

But!
But don't you come crying to me

'cause you got bit trying
to play with the big dogs.

Ring that bell, Eddie!

I am officially protestin--

Shit!

That's a living legend
right there!

How dare you!

All right, folks.
We are under way.

Oh, he's giving her
a police escort

right into
the turnbuckle there.

She don't belong
in this ring!

Witchcraft!

Burn her!

There's just two left
in the dance contest now.

Okay, here we go.

Now this is
some great action here.

You don't
turn your back on a girl

with that kind of agility,
I'll tell ya.

Looks like she's tryin'
to maybe choke him.

Whoa!

Crystal just lands
on her feet like a housecat.

Stuck the dismount.

Uh-uh. She means business.

Oh!

Well, that done backfired
on him, didn't it?

Ow!
Come on!

- Did it hurt?
- Yes!

Yeah?

She just keeps slappin'
with her open hand.

I don't understand that.

I would use a rock
or a closed fist.

Closed fist is illegal
in professional wrestling,

Eddie Earl.

Oh!

He threw her for distance.

Oh, he's fixin' to end

this girl's career
before it starts.

Oh, she's jumping up
to the top pole.

Appliances.
Here she goes.

Oh! That is some kind
of superkick right there.

Every time Jack
takes his eyes off the prize,

Crystal does
something fantastic.

Oh!

-Good lord!
-Oh!

Like a young Nadia Comaneci,

right with an elbow
to the face.

For anybody under 75
right now,

he means Simone Biles.

He's working
the outside of the ring here.

- Thanks very much.
- Hey!

He's stealing a $7-beer.
That's not all right.

Remember,
this is a ladder match.

You need to use the ladder
to climb and grab the belt.

You need the ladder
to win the match,

but it can also
be used against you.

Look at her.

She's been
to a Home Depot before.

All right, well,
he's back in the ring.

He's a little--oh.
Little do-si-do there.

She didn't plan
to land on that elbow.

Hot dog, kids these days
call that a cutter.

It's a Crystal Cutter,
Eddie Earl!

That's a rich country
in the Middle East as well.

All right,
that ladder's twice the size

of that little girl.

Well, she's gotta
get up to the top floor

and get that belt.

Oh, Crystal's gonna win

this match right here,
right now.

Hold up, Ricky.

Have you ever seen
a ladder match

where someone
climbed the ladder

with a sense of urgency
or alacrity?

Oh!

He's got a hold of her--
an impolite hold of her.

Could be prosecuted
in some states.

He's gonna throw her
into the second row.

Oh, wait!

She's reversed it on him.

Oh.
Oh, she is--

Jade Spade might
be in trouble here.

She is twisting
the life out of his neck.

Like a boa constrictor.

- Use those thighs!
- Choke him out!

You got it!

She's locked in
a triangle choke.

He's very much in trouble.

I would think a lot of men

would want to be
in his position.

He's tapping out.
He can't breathe.

He don't wanna be there.

He's out.
Jack's unconscious.

It's all over
but the climbin' now.

Come on, Crystal!

When she grabs that belt,

no one can say that
she won on a technicality.

She beat these men
fair and square.

We are all eyewitnesses.

She's this close
to winning the belt again.

Wait a minute!
He's comin' from the side!

Wild Bill is back.
He has self-released himself.

Crystal! Crystal! Crystal!

She's made it!

She has won the belt again.

Yeah! Whoo!

Crystal! Crystal! Crystal!

Crystal! Crystal! Crystal!

It's CrystalMania,
is what it is.

That's what's broken out here.

What a sport.
Hey, look it--

look at how dejected
Jack Spade is.

He's upset.

Well, he should be.

Yeah, absolutely.

He just lost
to a 101-pound girl.

Crystal! Crystal! Crystal!

Great piece of business, Jack.

One hell of a sacrifice
for a top guy

to put over
a five-foot-nothing female--

and clean, at that.

It was the right thing to do.

And judging by those cheers,

it was a good call.

Thank you.

You helped put her over too.

"Therefore, Saul took a sword
and fell on it.

"And when his armourbearer
saw that Saul was dead,

he also fell on his sword
and died with him."

I'll be fine.

I once lost to Vanilla Ice
and a Ninja Turtle.

There she is!

Way to go, Crystal Tyler.

Willie, I just--

All right.

Good job.

Go ahead and grab yourself
a beer or a shot,

you know, to celebrate.

Oh.

Hey.

All righty then.

Hey,
a few more shows like that,

and you might actually
make some money.

I know.

This guy did it.
He was--

- This guy.
- Yeah.

This guy! This guy!

Hey.

Ace, hey,
listen to me, man.

I don't know
how far you went or where,

but I know that you took
your Xbox with you.

So just tell me what I gotta
do to get you back here.

Do you want me to run down
Main Street naked

with a pumpkin head?

Done! All right?

I messed up,
but I need you with me.

I want you to know that
I'm gon' keep on working

to build this thing.

Until you decide to come back.

You were born to wrestle!

So just reach out,
and let's fix this!

Jack, look.

Turns out the DWL
didn't need Ace after all.

Now we got...

CrystalMania!

Help?

Can anyone hear me?

Help!

Help!