All language subtitles for Yours.Sincerely.Kanan.Gill.2020.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC5.1-[YTS.MX]

Please welcome to the stage
Kanan Gill!

Good evening.

Hello. How are you?

It's great to be back in India. I've been
traveling the world a lot this year,

so it's good to be back in Bangalore,
where we have no need for small talk.

Not a single...
The best thing about India

is you can
look someone you don't know in the eyes

and just fucking walk right past them.

"You don't deserve interaction."

Not so the case in other countries.

I was in the North America
getting a coffee,

which is the national sport.

And it's a whole... When you walk in,
you have to first say, "Hi. How are you?"

"I'm good, thanks. How are you?"

"I'm good as well. Hot outside, isn't it?"

"It is hot."

Then you can begin speaking.

In this much time,
the population of India has doubled.

Don't do small talk.
We do only big talk. Talk to an aunty.

-"Hello, beta. "
-"Hello."

"What is your yearly salary?"

Haven't been away that long.
Came back. Everything's different.

All the airports now
are "silent airports."

Yeah, they don't make any announcements
at the airport anymore.

Reason I know that
is because they made an announcement...

to say that there will not be...

announcements.

"Ladies and gentlemen,
we just want to let you know

that this will not happen."

"Except for this one..."

"which we will do every three minutes."

They do this to prevent noise pollution.

India's biggest problem.

Country's running out of water.
They're, "At least they'll die quietly."

"So now, to prevent noise pollution,
no announcements."

People still have to catch their flight,
so they send the guy from the airlines

to personally come
and scream in your face.

Noise pollution prevented!

Before, a simple announcement.

"GoAir Goa passengers,
report to gate number three."

Now there's one guy
walking around, "GoAir!"

"GoAir!"

"Goa!"

Doesn't even say he's from GoAir.

Seems like a fan of the airlines. "GoAir!"

"Whoo!"

Sometimes they're looking for
a particular passenger.

Because just a man standing and yelling,
looks like a couple having a fight.

Standing like, "Mr. Patel!"

"Hey! We are leaving!"

"Oh, you said you were coming!"

"Well, don't make promises
you can't keep, Mr. Patel!"

But thank you all
for coming to watch this show.

It's good time pass, no?

To watch comedy? Yeah.

That's an Indian concept... time pass.

Time pass is both an activity
and a review...

of an activity.

Works both ways.

"What are you doing?"
"Time pass."

"How was the show?"
"Oh, time pass."

That is the worst thing
you can say about a show.

"How did the show feel?"

"Like the passage of time."

But in India, we do time pass.

Shows you how we think.
That means I am there.

Time will pass. Just have to do.

Don't worry about it.

In the West, they don't have time pass.
They have pastime.

Whole different thing.

Pastime is like a hobby.
It's something you do to pass time.

People are like,
"My pastime, it's writing, actually."

We're like, "Well, we read your writing,
and it's time pass."

"First of all,
you're late for our meeting."

"That's because time is relative."

"It's my uncle."

Yeah. Ha ha. Right, yeah.

That's a PJ. I'll admit.

Also an Indian concept, by the way.

PJs. Poor jokes...

are an embodiment of how much
we as a country enjoy suffering.

What is a PJ?

It's when you tell someone,
"I'll make you laugh,"

and then you don't do it.

The other person becomes angry,

and you derive enjoyment
from their disappointment.

It's usually some awful pun, right?

"What's the city you can't enter?

Ethnicity."

"I was expecting laughter."

"That'll teach you to expect."

Let's get to it.

You're probably wondering why
I have this blackboard here.

I keep this blackboard here
so Indian people will pay attention.

Yeah.

Before no blackboard, everyone's texting.

Now I have this, you guys are thinking,
"Will this be on the exam?"

So what is this show about?
This show is basically about...

I found a letter...
that I had written to myself when I was 15

with a list of goals
and things I had to accomplish by now

that I am a different age.

I'll read it out to you
in the voice I had then. Okay.

"To..."

"Kanan."

"Brackets future."

You know when you find something
you did in the past?

Is there anything lamer
than how you used to be?

Remember previous versions
of your personality?

That summer
you shook hands with everyone like this?

And when they came in,
you were like, "Ho ho ho."

It's an area
you don't even wanna think about, no?

It's like walking into a public toilet
to find the lid closed.

Something terrible has happened.

Because the previous person,
while leaving, was like,

"Even I can't face what I've done."

Found letter. Goes like this, "To Kanan."

"Brackets future."

"Subject..."

"Goals." Yeah, subject.

It's a formal letter.

You guys remember? Two kinds of letters...

Formal letters, informal letters,

distinguished by their format.

What's the format of a formal letter?

It's "To" and then a comma,

then fucking below the comma...

the address.

Which is inside the letter.

How is it reaching?

Then subject. Heh.

Can't forget subject.
Two marks for subject.

The body of the letter, we can write
whatever fucked-up shit you want.

No matter what you write,
at the end, "Yours Sincerely."

If you want to make it romantic,
just take off the word "sincerely."

"Yours." Oh.

You're not even sincere about it.

That's a formal letter. Informal letters,
letters you write to your friends,

also have a correct way and a wrong way.

Date has to be on the left.
Ooh, date has to be on the left.

What kind of friends do you have...

that are going to scrutinize,

"A letter from Kanan.
I wonder what this is.

Ahh. The date is on the right?"

"Well, this is the end of our friendship."

And they make you write practice letters
in school, right?

And all the practice letters you write
are addressed to a fictional friend

who lives in boarding school.

And they have a tone of moral superiority.

Right? It's always, "Write a letter
to your friend in boarding school..."

"encouraging them to focus..."

"on their studies."

Who is that kind of friend...

who knows you're doing badly,
but is then writing letters?

"Dear friend..."

"your mother told me
you were doing poorly."

"Yes, she writes to me."

"You don't need to know why."

"Oh, me? I'm doing great."

"So perhaps focus on your education.

Be more like me. Yours Sincerely."

Sometimes it's not clear
what the tone of your letter should be.

I remember one exam, we had an option
of two letters, very different.

Option A... "Write a letter
to your friend in boarding school

wishing them a happy birthday,
giving them a present." Sweet.

Option B...

"Write a letter of condolence..."

"to your friend who has just lost
both of their parents."

These are options?

For the same amount of marks.

It's like, "How do you choose?"

So I thought I would do
is I'll combine them.

Write one letter
that happens to cover both subjects...

so it's not clear which one I picked.
Get double marks.

In the letter, I wrote, "Dear friend,

I am writing this letter
to wish you a happy birthday."

"Now that your parents are dead."

"As a present..."

"I am enclosing two cigarettes..."

"that you can smoke in peace
now that they are off your back."

"I would encourage you
to focus on your studies."

"Slightly more important now...

that you have no parents."

"I miss writing to your mother."

"Yours Sincerely."

Okay, so this formal letter
I've written to myself.

It says, "Subject..."

"Goals for Life."

Okay. People have many goals.

These days, more recently,
people have hydration goals.

That's a new thing that's started.

I have a friend. On his iPhone, he has
a drinking-water reminder application.

Every two hours,
his phone makes this sound...

and then he drinks water...

like a Pavlovian dog.

It's a piece of software
for people who are secretly plants.

That they feel thirsty,
and they don't know what the next step is.

My goals are different, of course.
I will read them out to you presently.

Ahem. "Subject... Goals for Life."

"Dear sir..."

That's a reflex more than anything.

"Goal one..."

"focus... on your health."

I don't know if you've noticed
because I'm wearing black and black...

Black floor, blackboard, black stool.

I've put on
a considerable amount of weight.

I weighed myself today.

I weigh 100 kgs. Yeah.

Which is not even a weight anymore.

That's a shipment.

It's like a standard you can use
to measure other things.

"How much does that car weigh?"

"About 37 Gills."

What can I do?
I'm medically not allowed to exercise.

This is true. Yeah. See,
I don't normally go to the doctor

because I feel if I go, they'll tell me
I have some terminal disease, right?

And if I don't go, they can't tell me.

Safe.

I feel like I'll go to the doctor,
they'll be, "Tsk tsk.

Mr. Gill, you have AIDS cancer."

"What is AIDS cancer?"

"Well, you have cancer,

and inside the cancer, a little bit AIDS."

"But if we cure the cancer,
you'll get the AIDS."

"We're all impressed
by how you've done this."

I was living with a symptom for a while.
Went to the hospital.

This is how long
I haven't been to a hospital.

I went in. They're like,
"Which doctor would you like to see?"

"Medical. I don't know."

"What are the other kinds?"

They're like, "No. Which specific doctor
that deals with your specific problem?"

So I was like,
"So I have to study and come."

"Shouldn't all of you know everything?"

I looked at the name of the hospital...
Vikrant Hospital.

I was like,
"I would like to see Dr. Vikrant."

They had one.

Walked into his cabin.
I was like, "Sir, first of all, big fan."

"Love what you've done with the hospital."

He's like, "What's the problem?"

"Sir, I have a pain in my groin area

for the last many years."

He's like, "Okay.
So, I am an ENT... surgeon."

"What would you like me to do?"

I was like, "Sir,
then what if I stood upside down?"

"You treat this as an ENT area..."

"where there's two ears..."

"then there's a nose for sure."

"Yeah, and a big nose...

with a bend in the middle.

Nose hairs on the outside."

- "Did you come because my name's Vikrant?"
- I was like, "Yes, yes."

"Get out."

He sent me to the actual doctor
I was supposed to go to.

I go to his cabin.
He's like, "Take off your pants."

After I told him...

about the pain.

It's not the first thing he says.
"Hello. Welcome. Take off your pants."

"What seems to be the problem?"

"I'm not wearing pants."

I told him, "Pain."
He says, "Take off your pants."

Then he does this... after which,

nothing good has ever followed.

Unless you are distributing prasad...

no one should be approaching you like...

"Come."

He does this, and he's like,
"Place your testicles in my palm."

Yeah. I was like,
"How about you place your palm..."

"underneath?"

"What do you think is more mobile?"

"Testicles or your full hand?"

What, are you gonna stand
in one corner of the room like this,

and I have to navigate,
"Sir, please, sir. Sir, come on."

"Sir, give me one chance. Sir."

He's standing in the middle
like a matador. Ho ho.

After some running...

contact was established.

Then he's like, "Cough."

"Cough properly."

I don't fucking practice coughing.

"Nice cough."

He's like, "Okay, just wait here.
I will go get the doctor."

"Then who were you?"

"Are you the last patient?"

Who was on his way out and said,
"Doctor..." He's like, "Let me try."

Finally, doctor comes. He's like,
"That's an assistant. Don't worry."

Thank God.

Doctor says, "Go get an ultrasound."

Sitting at the ultrasound clinic.
Nineteen pregnant ladies.

"Why are you here?"

"I am expecting something."

Walk in the ultrasound clinic,
they're, "Take off your pants."

Why do I wear pants, then?

Nurse says,
"Take off your pants. Lie on this bed.

Take this cold transparent jelly,

rub it on yourself, and then wait..."

"for the doctor."

I was like, "What an erotic situation..."

"you are creating and abandoning."

"When the doctor comes,
will he know you told me to do this shit?"

"Or is it his birthday?"

"This is the surprise."

He walks in.
I'm like, "Hello, doctor. Hello."

Too weird. I took off my shirt, also.
I was like, "Fuck it. Fuck it."

Right? It's less weird...

to take off your shirt.

I was wearing a formal shirt
and then nothing...

and then socks.

Felt like I was flashing someone.

Take off your shirt,
you're like, "Oh, he planned this."

Doctor comes in,
he's like, "Oh, Kanan Gill."

"I am a fan of your comedy."

I was like, "Great.

You are in it now."

"Welcome to the comedy."

He sees I'm a little uncomfortable,

so he's like, "Kanan, don't worry.
I see lots of guys naked."

I don't know why this hurt my ego.

Even I can see, if I try.

I can.

Starts doing the test.
You know that thing doctors do,

which is like, "Does it hurt here?" "No."
"Does it hurt here?" "No."

"Does it hurt here? Yeah?

Now?

Still?"

"Yes!"

"Why would it hurt less
if you press it more?"

His hand is halfway through my body,
and he's like, "Cough."

- "That's a great cough."
- "Thanks.

I got practice earlier...
in your hospital."

"Kanan, it looks like you have a hernia."

"What's that?"
"That's when your small intestine

enters a different part of your body
where it does not belong."

"I did not know this was
a feature of the human body."

"Organs can just go
wherever they feel like?"

"What causes a hernia?"

"Ah, you can get a hernia
if you lift something heavy incorrectly.

You're supposed to lift with your legs,
not your back.

You can get a hernia if you
lift with your back, not your legs."

"Well, this is the mistake
I've been making, doctor.

You see, this whole time,
I've been lifting with my hands."

When someone says,
"Do you want to move a table?"

I say, "Yes."
Not, "Of course. Let us lift."

No hernia.

He's like, "Okay.
Well, you'll need surgery.

And until then, don't exercise."

I was like, "No problem."

"Anything else?"

He's like, "Yes.
You should drink enough water."

"Goal number two..."

"Focus..."

"on your education."

Brackets studies.

Big difference.

Education makes you a better person.
Studies gets you job.

Studies is the way to be a great man.

We were studying about a great man
at the time.

At the time, we were studying
William Shakespeare's Julius Caesar,

which, if you...

Okay.

If you haven't read,
is time pass.

At the starting of the play,
they're like, "We should kill Caesar."

Then they kill him.

No twist. Nobody jumps in front, "No."
Nothing.

Or in the end, they're like, "Actually,
it's all one guy. It's like Fight Club."

Regular. What happens in the play?

Seven people stab Julius Caesar 23 times.

Yeah. Which is
such a strange distribution.

Everyone stabs him three times,
that's 21.

Means one person comes back,
"Hi. Sorry."

"Can I get two more, please?"

"I didn't enjoy earlier.

I have a hernia, so I can't..."

Now, the last person who stabbed Caesar
is his best friend Brutus,

and Brutus stabs Caesar in the back

for a metaphor.

That was the first time
that had ever happened.

Yeah. He stabbed him in the back
by stabbing him in the back.

You understand?

Even when Caesar got stabbed,
he's like, "Ahh."

"Oh."

"Very clever."

"Thanks, man."

When Caesar gets stabbed,
he says the famous lines in the play.

He says, "Et tu, Brute?"

Which is Latin for, "You too, Brutus?"

No one speaks in Latin
at any other point...

in the whole play.

It's only one line.

Which means if you get stabbed,
you have to quickly make a choice.

"Ach. What's something cool I can say..."

"so people will write plays about me?"

Last words are important. Choose wisely.

If you get stabbed,
you're like, "Arre yaar."

No plays.

So if you get stabbed...
Some of you will get stabbed...

tonight.

Just be ready with your last words.

So when someone stabs you
and you say something amazing,

they're like,
"Wow, you thought of that now?

Man, I'm so glad I stabbed you."

They don't know you've been
holding on to it for ten years.

So it's best to die in a dead language.

So Latin is good.

Otherwise, Sanskrit, if you know...

Get stabbed, like, "Ach."

"Plays. Write plays about this guy.
He's fucking interesting."

Yeah. That is correct Sanskrit
for, "I am going." Yeah.

Aham...I.
Gacchami...am going.

Gacchama...Let's both go.

Gamishyati...I will go tomorrow.

Yeah. I don't want to remember this stuff.

I just can't forget it.

'Cause I made a song
to memorize it in seventh standard.

That thing we did
like prisoners of war, sitting...

Now it's the soundtrack of my nightmares.

I wake up at 2:00 in the morning
to pee, I'm like...

Because so much of our education
was based on memorization, right?

But they call it "learning by heart."

'Cause the ultimate goal
of the education system

is to replace your heart
with a textbook...

so that you can never die.

Because you've never lived.

Someone stabs you, you're like,
"Krkk. Ah. Oh, page four."

"Aha."

"Cannot take life. I have none."

The next goal...

"Take care..."

"of the dog."

Not like a mafia,
like... poof... take care of the...

We used to have our dog
when I was, like, 15,

and he had a skin condition

which the vet said
is because he licks himself too much.

Because he's bored.

Then our family looked at each other like,
"What is happening in our house...

that we have bored a dog?"

Doctor's like,
"No, no, he's just frustrated..."

"so... because he wants to mate.

So either you neuter him,
i.e. cut off his balls,

or get him mated."

Obviously not a decision
the children take.

We're sitting, me and the dog,
outside parents' room.

Dog is also there.

Mom comes out.
They've made a decision.

She says the most gangster sentence
she's said in her life.

She said, "Kanan, tomorrow,
we have to find some bitches."

Which is... biologically accurate.

Next day, Gill family gets in the car...
Mom, Dad, two kids, one dog.

Go out... looking for bitches.

"Nahi, nahi, not you."

Now, some people provide a service
where, if you give them money,

they will "mate" your dog with their dog.

Went there, we're like...

"Is this ethical?"

"Are we encouraging dog prostitution?"

Then we have to have
another uncomfortable conversation,

which is like...

"How much?"

"And for how long?"

"What is the unit of a sex?"

He says, "5,000 rupees,"
and we have no reference.

Is this a great deal?

Or an exorbitant amount?

What if we pay, and someone be like,
"I could've got it for 20 bucks."

Paid 5,000. You think for five grand,
you'd get some arrangements, right?

Like a bed with rose petals and...

glass of warm milk, almonds.

R&B music.

♪ Ba-ba ♪

Nothing. Takes us to the garden.

A small white dog.
He's like, "This is my dog Samantha."

I'm like, "What a fucking human name...
to give a dog."

"Well, this is our dog Caesar."

Turn to leave,
and I see he's put out chairs.

"Why?"

"In a semi-circle, why?"

"Don't you want to see?"

"No!"

"Do people normally see?"

"Oh, yeah."
What the fuck?

"We will wait in the car, and you tell us

when this horrible experience
has finished."

He's like, "I will supervise."

"Better not participate, dude."

"You're way too into this."

We go sit in the car.
Thirty minutes goes by.

Already? All right.

It's quite impressive.

This is 30 minutes. My dog.

Then that guy comes,
"What's wrong with your dog?"

Takes us to the garden where we see
Samantha is chasing my dog...

who is running away
from sex that we have purchased.

Samantha's like, "Come on."
My dog is like, "Chi, aunty, yuck. No."

Tried to motivate him.
We were like, "Come on.

How about you run in a different order?
How about that? Try that.

One thrust. Come on."

He's not doing anything,
so we take him back.

That guy won't return our money
because you "pay for Samantha's time."

"All right, creepy. Okay."

We come home.

It becomes my responsibility
to entertain the dog.

Not in the way...

you creeps are assuming.

What I tried
was simple negative motivation. Yeah.

Dog was licking himself.
Every time he did, I'd go, "Bah."

Stopped licking himself.
I'd follow him around all day.

Bah.

He got clever.

I'm fucking right there.

"Do it."

"Do it."

- Bah.
- Ah.

And he always resented me,

but I was like,"Small price to pay
for a fully-functional dog."

Not like I had so much time.
I'm sitting and writing letters to myself.

You think I have free time
to be entertaining a dog?

You know, if you read the letter,
the tone of it is quite miserable.

It was written by a very sad person.

I used to be
very, like, melancholic child.

And the day I wrote the letter
was a really, really bad day.

I was 15. Feeling like shit, anyway.
Went to school.

First thing in the morning,
got birthday bumps, okay?

Which, after traveling the world,
I have realized other countries do not do.

And while explaining what it was to them,

the true cruelty of the activity came out.

I'm like, "Okay,
so when it's your birthday,

your friends, who you love and trust..."

"accost you and hold you in the air."

"Then they take turns kicking you..."

"as punishment for not dying yet."

One kick you for each year
you could have died but did not.

And one more for good luck...

which, if you had,
people would not be kicking you.

Important detail...
Not my birthday that day.

But whenever it was anyone's birthday,

they got birthday bumps and then me...

and there are a lot of birthdays
in a calendar year.

As a kid, I was like,
"I'm just so happy to be included. Ha ha."

As an adult, I'm like,
"That's bullying, dude."

But don't worry. I make a lot more money
than those guys now.

That... That's fun to say,
but it's not true.

Uh... sometimes nothing good
happens to anybody.

Was getting birthday bumps.
I was worried they would break my watch.

So I found one guy standing close by.
You know how every class has a thief...

that is just known?

That's Rohit. He's a thief.

Everybody knows.
Rohit? Thief. Yeah.

Even Rohit's like,
"Gotta do what you gotta do, man."

Rohit is standing there.

I was like, "Rohit, hold my watch.
Two minutes, I will be back, Rohit.

I will get kicked and come.
Please give me my watch then."

Rohit is like, "No problem."

Get kicked. Come back.
"Rohit, where is my watch?"

"It is not there."

Not, "I don't have it."
"It is not there."

The watch is gone out of existence.

He's like, "Why don't you check
the lost-and-found department?"

Fuck, man.
Go to the lost-and-found department.

That's an overexplained name.

Just "found" is sufficient.

"Found," by definition, means it was lost.

If you find things that aren't lost,
that's stealing.

Two teachers run the lost and found.
I was, "Hello. Have you seen my watch?"

"No. Where did you see it last?"

"Well, I'd given it to Rohit."
"Why you gave it to him? He's a thief."

Got kicked, watch gone, super-upset.

Come home. I was,
"I need to take my mind off."

Start playing video games.
Played Street Fighter.

Losing at Street Fighter.

And when you lose at Street Fighter,
it's extremely harsh...

because on the screen in big letters,
it says, "You lose."

It doesn't say, "You lost."

It's making a general statement...

about the kind of person you are.

"Oh, you? You lose."

"People do many things.
Rohit steals, and you lose."

"Continue?"

Thought I'd play a different game.

That year, landmark game had come out
called Grand Theft Auto III.

Oh, fans of GTA.

First time in a video game
you could do anything you felt like.

You could do whatever the fuck.
Go, steal guns.

Steal a car. Can run over people.

The police comes, you can kill the police.

Then they send the army,
which you can also kill.

And if in the middle of that
by mistake if you die,

you're just alive again...
in the hospital, but without guns.

Go back to stealing guns.

But it was too much freedom
for my mentality at the time.

"You can do anything."
"Yes, but what are you supposed to do?"

"Anything. Go wild."

"Yes, but what is objective?"

I look it up, and I found exactly the shit
you needed to do.

Did all that. Finished the game.

End of the game, you get statistics,

which is how many times you've died,
how many people you've killed...

and a very interesting thing
called completion percentage.

And it said, "Completion
Percentage... 12%."

"Huh?"

"I finished the game.
That's a hundred percent."

Said, "No, no, no.
You've just reached the ending..."

"but you only did 12%
of all the things you could've done."

Well, fuck.

What if life is like that?

What if you die, go to the afterlife,
and they give you a report card?

Three percent?

"You didn't do any of the side missions."

"Like-Like what?"

"Like, see here at a party,
someone gave you a joint.

You said, 'No, thanks.' 15%."

"You loved someone.
You wanted to tell them.

Instead, you said, 'Aah, bye.'"

"'It was a dare.'"

It wasn't a dare.

Then I realized... Maybe it was how
the day was going. I was feeling so shit.

I was, "This is the problem with my life.
I don't do any of the side missions."

So from that day, I decided,
"From now on, I will finish life at 100%.

Will do everything I need to do
hundred percent.

Live life to the fullest."

The first thing I did
was got a motivational book. Open it.

You know what motivational books say,
"Don't stop. Never stop. You can do it.

Don't stop. Fuck. Don't stop."

"This book will finish at some point."

"I'll have to stop."

It said, "If you don't have goals,
how will you achieve goals?"

Which is true.

If you don't have rice,
how will you eat rice?

So it said, "Write down your goals."

So I wrote down all of my goals.
Made two copies.

Put one in a letter to my future self.
That's the one I found.

This is only one page. There are ten more.

I have just brought one for convenience.

Then started achieving goals.

Writing, achieving,
writing, achieving, success.

Next goal.

"If possible..."

That's not a good starting to a goal.

"If possible...

find love."

That's the goal.
"Work your way towards if possible."

That time, I used to believe
the Bollywood idea

that there's someone for everyone.

God has made people in pairs.

Then I realized
this is an easily testable thesis.

Look up the total population of the world,
see if it's divisible by two.

'Cause if it's an odd number,
there is no love.

Or there is no God.

The great thing about odd numbers is
if you subtract one from any odd number,

get an even number...

which means there's someone for everyone
except for one person.

That could be you.

But I thought, "Let's try."

I really liked this girl.

Let's call her Neha
because that was her name.

Um...

Good reason to call her Neha.

This is pre-cell phone,
so I call her landline.

Who picks up? Mom. Fucking always.

"Hello?" "Hell-a."

"Hell-a."

"Hell-a."

You kind of act like
you're from a good family.

"Hi."

"Namaste."

"Please can I Neha speaking?"

"Please Neha speaking, can I?"

"Neha speaking, I can..."

"I am Neha." That's not it.

"Please can I speak to Neha?"
That's the one.

Mom asks a question
you have not yet considered...

Why?

"Notes?"

Notes.

"Why don't you have notes?"

"Ahh."

"I don't have hands."

"And so therefore..."

"I am unable to write notes,

and Neha, she has hands..."

"and she uses those hands to write notes,

I'm given to believe."

"If you don't have hands,
how you holding the phone?"

"Like this, aunty.
What the... You can't see me."

Mom says, "Okay."
Puts the phone off the hook.

Here's the thing that no parent knows.
If you put a phone off the hook,

person who's called
can still hear everything.

So don't unfold your family dynamics
at that chosen instance.

"Okay, beta, one minute. Neha!"

"Neha!"

"Neha!"

"Neha!"

Twenty more minutes.

Finally find Neha,
who was "in the bathroom."

Yeah, sure, Neha.

She gets to the phone.
Right before she picks up the phone,

her mom will say
the most embarrassing thing.

She's been saving up
so people don't call the house anymore.

She picks up the phone, gets it to here.
Mom be like, "Pick up your panties first."

"Shut up!"

"I'm on the phone."

Mom goes away. Finally, my time.

"Hi. Um..."

"Would you like to go to a party?"

And then I hung up the phone.

And then she went to a party...

and I did not get permission.

Also did not specify who I was.

She just knows a mysterious angel
told her to go to a party.

Met her boyfriend there.
It was a great turn.

Next goal...

"Try to be..."
Yeah, it gets a little ambiguous.

"Try to be an athlete."

Goal is to try. Why can't you try?

How can you be hundred percent
without athletics?

Until then, I was lazy as fuck, okay?

I was the kind of kid who would...

In-In games of gully cricket,
I would declare.

Which, if you don't know,
is the best rule in any game.

Built into the fabric of cricket
is a means for you to say,

"I would like to stop playing now."

"I have played enough.
Now your turn. You play."

I took this concept,
applied it to other games.

We were playing hide-and-seek.

I am supposed to look for them.
"Guys, declare."

Go home.

Now, of course, everything is different.
Hundred percent.

Went to school the next day.
I was like, "Yo, put me in athletics."

Said, "It doesn't work like that."

"You can't just come and shout,
'Put me in athletics, ' and we put you."

"Please."

Now, luckily that day, there was
a race happening, okay. A relay.

Four into hundred meters relay.

First of all, finish the equation, right?
It's 400. Why suspense?

You know four into hundred meters relay?
Four people run a hundred meters each.

Number three,
luckily, had diarrhea. Right.

He still wanted to run. Right.

They're like,
"We've just marked the field."

"Don't now re-mark it."

Put me in his place.

Motivated as shit.

At number three.
Get the baton from the previous guy.

Poof. Set off.

Start running as fast as I can,
as fast as my legs would take me.

In my head,
"Goals. Don't stop. Never stop.

You can do it. Sweat is good."

Whatever they say on... Instagram.

Just running, running.
Saw the finish line, tunnel vision. Poof.

Ran right towards the finish line.

Which you shouldn't do
if you're number three.

You should run to the next person
and stop.

Instead, I went right past that dude...

past the finish line...

smashed into a table...

and passed out.

I woke up. I was like, "Did we win?"

"Nobody won."

"Why didn't you stop?"

"Never stop."

"Well, technically,
the race is still going on.

Would you like to go back and finish it?"

"No, I think we should declare."

"You hit your head pretty hard, dude."

"Are you feeling all right?"

"Yeah. Actually,
just a little... thirsty."

Last goal I'll read for you,
and this one you can all apply.

It says, "Be good..."

"to your friends."

Should be good to your friends.

Do you guys have a friend in your life
whose life is worse than yours?

No, but that's, like,
the reason for your friendship.

It's the perspective
that they unknowingly provide.

Anytime you come home,
you're like, "What a shit life I have."

Your friend is like, "Hi."
You're like, "Oh, yeah."

"Could've been that."

If you don't have a friend like that,
it's you.

It's important to have friendships.
Because why do we have friendships?

Friendships are created
for the even distribution of sadness.

Sadness
is a fundamental quantity in nature.

It's not created or destroyed.
Can only be transferred.

You're feeling sad. You go find someone,
"Hey, I'm feeling sad."

Now they're sad.

Say shit to somebody else, they're sad.
Do something else, make you sad again.

It's a law of conservation of sadness.

Came home one day.
Friend is sitting inside my house already.

"Hey, man, Kanan."

"Feeling sad."

"Okay, that's what I'm here for.

Talk to me, textbook to textbook.
Let's do this."

Our friendship is we make fun of
each other until someone laughs,

then you heal.

He's like, "I took some online test, man,
and it says I have extreme depression."

Was like, "Fuck, dude."

"Is that bad?"

"How could it be good?"

"Well, because there are two extremes.
So then..."

"Really?"

"A PJ?"

"I'm sorry, man.
I'm just trying to make you laugh.

Explain to me. What is it like?"

He's like, "That's the problem.
You won't understand."

"I feel like I have a pain inside me

that's everywhere I go,
no matter what I do.

I don't feel like
there's a point to doing anything.

No matter what experience I'm having,

it's always colored
by the pain that I feel inside.

There's no way
you know what that's like, Kanan."

"Sounds like a hernia, actually,
what you say."

And then he laughed, so we keep talking.

He's like,
"Do you ever think about suicide?"

"Yours or mine?"

What's wrong with thinking?

I didn't say that to him, of course.
Heh heh.

I gave him the classic line,
"Hey, if you ever need anything..."

"just let me know."

Ever say that to someone?

Pretty dangerous statement.

You're volunteering
all of your services...

at any time.

What if they call you now?

Four o'clock in the morning,
"Hey, can you rub almond oil on my butt?"

Pro tip.

If you ever rub almond oil
on someone's butt,

you should rub inwards.

If you rub out, they're gonna...

I'm a good friend!

That's all I'm really saying. He says,
"Kanan, sometimes I feel like a failure."

You know what they say? That failure
is a stepping stone to eventual suicide.

Yeah? They don't say that?

Well, that's what happens
in Julius Caesar.

Spoilers. If you haven't read...

When they kill Caesar,
they're, "What a great idea this is."

But by the end,
it's the fall of the Roman Republic.

And by the end, every single person
who stabbed Caesar

gets killed or kills themselves,

including Brutus...

who's in a unique dilemma.

'Cause he wants to kill himself.

But if he kills himself,
no one will remember him as being noble.

He's like, "What the fuck do I do?"

He calls his friend, "Hey, man."

"Feeling sad."

"If you ever need anything..."

"Glad you asked, actually.

Can you hold my sword over there
for one minute?"

The guy's like, "Yeah."

"Why you want me
to hold your sword? Weird."

And then Brutus runs on the sword...

stabs himself...

and dies that way.

And his friend is like, "Dude, fuck!"

"What's wrong with you?"

"You've just made me murder you."

"You said if I ever needed..."

"Yeah, not anything anything."

Eh...

I know this is a comedy show,

but you should never joke about suicide
because life is a gift...

and suicide is a return gift.

"No, thank you."

"I wasn't using it."

"Says on the box, 'Fun.' It's not."

No, but I am legally required to say
that if you know someone who is suicidal,

you should recommend professional help.

Not to do it.

Do not.

Just so I'm being very clear.

Came home with my friend,
I'm like, "Let's find you a therapist."

Went online, looking at therapists
in Mumbai, where we live.

Dude, therapists there so expensive.

Found this lady, highly recommended.

Per session, per hour,
she charges 5,000 rupees.

Yeah. I was like, "Dude,
you can fuck a dog for that much."

"You see what you like."

"I don't judge."

"Never judge."

'Cause I'm invested in his well-being.
Of course I am.

We've been friends for ages.
We've been friends from school.

We were in the same band together,
in the same play together

in the theatrical production
of Julius Caesar.

He was there. I was the director.

Made a mistake in casting.

Caesar and Brutus
played by identical twins.

So it was a confusing play.

For the audience.

"Why is that guy stabbing himself?"

"Oh, is it like Fight Club?
It's actually one guy?"

It's not like Fight Club.

And the part
people are supposed to feel sad,

they're laughing
'cause it looks so ridiculous.

I fixed this as a director.

I played sad music so people know,
"We're supposed to feel sad."

Sad music composed by my band...

Rubber Band.

I know it's a PJ.

It's better than our original name...
The Knee Thing.

Yeah. You know when... It's like
when you're sitting and chilling,

and someone comes up to you,
puts their hand on your knee...

and then they do this-s-s-s-s.

They look in your eyes
when they do it, right?

"Feels weird, right?"

"Yeah."

People had theories also for this feeling.

Someone was, "If someone
does this to you and you feel ticklish,

that means you're a virgin."

Right? And you feel nothing,
that means you had sex.

One thing's for sure... if you're doing
this to test other people's virginities,

you are a virgin.

It was the entry criteria for our band.

We'd call people, "Extend your knee."

"Welcome to the band."

There were four of us in Rubber Band.

Can I play you one of our songs, actually?
Would that be okay?

All right, great. Okay.

So, this is an original song
by my band... Rubber Band.

Ahem. I don't know why I clear my throat
before playing something from the phone.

Original song, my band... Rubber Band.

Right, sorry.
We had only one instrument...

between the four of us.

So, like, one guy used to play the piano,
and then we would stand around him...

to provide emotional support.

"You play, man."
"Thanks, guys."

I used to try to get shows for my band.
"Can you please give my band a show?"

People would say, "No, we only hire
cover bands that play cover songs."

Came back home. Told the guys,
"Hey, we need to be doing cover songs."

Now we should've looked up
what that means.

Instead, we wrote a song
about covering things.

Like to play you that song.

So we're an instrumental band.

It's not super-clear
what the song is about...

because there are no lyrics,
but... you feel covered, right?

Later, someone told us,

"Idiots, a cover song is a song
written by different band that you play.

Cover bands play songs of other bands."

I'm like, "Okay, that's much easier."

Right? So we did the obvious thing
is we made one more band...

called Rubber Band Cover Band...

where we used to cover the songs
that we only wrote...

in Rubber Band.

Like to play you one of those songs.

We added a clap.

It's a cover, after all.

First, can I say I think we're the best
cover band in the entire world?

Sound exactly like the original.

And what cover band
also has the original members of the band?

And because we were teenagers, we were,
"We want to do art, not commerce."

Art.

Pure, true art.

Who knows what art is
better than teenagers?

We're like, "The name of our album
should be, like, a metaphor."

You know, like stabbing in the back?
Like a metaphor. Like a metaphor.

So then we called it "A Metaphor."

Like literally, it was...

'Cause we weren't sure
what a metaphor was exactly.

I remember asking my English teacher.
I was like, "What is a metaphor?"

He was, "Kanan, a metaphor is kind of like
a simile, but, like, without 'like.'"

"One more time."

"Kanan, it's like a measure used to weigh
two concepts against each other.

Now that, of course, is a simile,

but the meaning of it
is what a metaphor is."

"One more time with different words."

"Kanan, why aren't you understanding?"

Now, because our English teacher
was also our maths teacher.

How it is sometimes.

He's like, "You know how in maths class,
I explain to you problems on the board?

Well, the purpose that the board serves
as a tool of explanation

is the same purpose that a metaphor serves
as a part of speech in conversation."

"Now do you understand?"

"I think I'm having a stroke, actually."

"Kanan, why are you an idiot?
Go home. Sleep on it.

Come tomorrow."

Went home.

Came back the next day.
I was like, "Got it.

Sir, the conversation we had yesterday

is a metaphor
for how bad you are as a teacher."

"Now you understand."

Still don't.

Best thing is many of you
came to this show

knowing what a metaphor was,
and now you're not so sure anymore.

This is the only show you leave
with less information...

than you came with.

But let's try it.

I liked the way my English
slash Math teacher tried to explain.

If I explain something to you on a board,

purpose that that board serves
is the same as a metaphor.

If you can understand that,
you can understand a metaphor.

Let's try it.

Full disclosure. It's never worked.

Not even once.
Maybe you guys are the Chosen Ones.

This part...

You're clapping for yourself? Wow.

The hubris is strong.

For this part, I'd like to explain
my favorite riddle, okay?

I'll say what it is in Hindi
and then in English.

In Hindi, it goes...

In English, first of all,
what the fuck is a teetar?

Teetar is a partridge.

Partridge is a bird.

Bird is a... caw.

Sky.

That's how much I can explain.

So in English, the puzzle goes,
"Two partridge in front of partridge.

Two partridge behind partridge.

How many partridge?" All right?

So what's the answer?
Audience, what do you think?

- Three.
- Six.

Three, four, five. Okay, don't worry.
That's why I'm here. Let us understand.

Consider a teetar.

T zero.

Because this is computer science.

First one is zero.

"What's the 50th one?"
"49, idiot."

So it says, "Two teetars
in front of teetar."

So you need one over here. This T one.
This one over here. This is T2.

First thing you realize at this point

is when I do this, you were like,
"Oh, he's good at drawing."

By the end, you're like,
"It was a fluke."

Two teetars in front of teetar.

When they say two behind,
behind which one?

That's the trick.

If it's behind T2,
the condition is satisfied with three.

If it's behind T one,
need another guy over here.

Can't be T minus one.
We're not savages.

It's Ta.

Two behind this one.
We need another guy over here. This is Tb.

That means a general solution
for the total number of teetars, Tn...

lies between the inclusive limits...

Sorry. Ha ha ha.

I used to work in the software industry.

Some habits are hard to shake.

I started doing software,
like, ten years ago,

but for the passion, you know.

Yeah. There was
no money in software at the time.

Like, four of us.
We used to meet once a week.

Go to, like, software open mic.

See whose software
could get the most laughs. Exciting time.

All of us hated our jobs,

so we're like, "We can quit our jobs.
Do software full time." Exciting.

Just kept doing.
Kept getting better at software.

Started making software YouTube videos.
That was a good idea.

Quit my job. Doing software full time now.

Now it's amazing.
Before, my software shows,

one person used to come,
two people used to come.

Now it's sold out.
Doing auditoriums full of software.

It's fucking exciting. What a time.

Setting goals, achieving.
Setting goals, achieving.

This year, did a software world tour.

Now I'm shooting a software special.

Setting goals, achieving.

But in the middle of that,
I found this letter.

It reminded me
how miserable I used to be.

I was like,
"Well, I'm miserable now as well.

What the fuck has changed?"

Thought I would achieve all these goals,
then it would be fine, but it's not fine.

I've done this.
Done everything on the ten other sheets.

I've done notebooks full of goals.

I keep setting. I keep achieving.
It never feels like anything.

I was like,
"Is my whole point of view on life wrong?"

"Have I wasted my time trying to use it?

Have I somehow
stabbed myself in the back?"

The rest of the letter
also is so fucking sad.

"Hey, man,
I hope you do all the things."

"Hope you can be happy one day."

"I'm doing my part starting tomorrow."

"Tomorrow, I'm going to run the relay."

"Hope I don't smash into a table..."

"'cause that would be relay-table."

All that for this.

Got so mindfucked.
Came home. Didn't know what to think.

Friend is sitting at home. "Hey, man."
I was, "No today, "Hey, man."

"I'm feeling sad."

"If you ever need anything,
you know I'm here.

Talk to me textbook to textbook."

I was like, "Read this letter.
Isn't this fucked up?"

"Yeah, dude."

"You know the date is on the left, right?"

"I have a genuine problem."

"Don't make fun."

He's like, "I'm very sorry, Kanan.

And can I just tell you?
Never told you this before.

Watching you get through life
gives me so much hope."

Because I'm, 'If Kanan can get through it,
what right do I have...'"

"'to complain?'"

"You don't fucking... I, for you, do that."

"My life is worse?"

"I'm just trying to finish life
at a hundred percent

and live life to the fullest."

He's like, "Hey, how much have you
live life? It's full.

You're not gonna die and someone say,
'Hey, you left little bit.'"

"'Two sips.'"

"'Finish. I don't wanna put it
in the fridge. Finish.'"

"Yeah, man, but where are goals
supposed to end?"

"Kanan, you can do whatever you want
for however long you want,

and then you can declare."

"The answer's not out there.
It's in here in your textbook."

"Thanks, I guess, man.
Here I am, trying to climb Mount Everest."

"You know what's at the top
of Mount Everest?

It's the bodies
of the people who failed...

and the garbage
of the people who succeeded."

"It's not a smart endeavor, on the whole."

"So Mount Everest is a metaphor?"

"Right?"

"No, idiot. The letter is a metaphor.

The whole thing, that was the metaphor."

"Letterphor."

"PJ."

"How you know so much
about the letter?"

"I'm not even real.

I'm just someone you made up in the show
to talk about your own depression."

"So this is like Fight Club?"

"Yeah, I mean, I guess."

"That's not the moral you should be
taking away from this piece of art."

"This is not art."

This isn't art.

This is... time pass.

Thank you.

That's the show.

Subs: Sladjan Lazarevic (Beli Manastir)