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1
00:00:06,816 --> 00:00:08,452
[panting]
2
00:00:08,485 --> 00:00:09,820
[Laszlo]
As you know,
3
00:00:09,853 --> 00:00:11,555
Gizmo is in
a perpetual twilight...
4
00:00:11,588 --> 00:00:13,156
[screams]
5
00:00:13,189 --> 00:00:15,292
...between being a human
and a vampire.
6
00:00:15,325 --> 00:00:16,493
[grunts]
7
00:00:16,526 --> 00:00:18,428
[screeches]
8
00:00:19,696 --> 00:00:21,765
"Not a human,
not yet a vampire,"
9
00:00:21,798 --> 00:00:23,500
to paraphrase
one of your contemporary
10
00:00:23,533 --> 00:00:25,235
musical troubadours.
11
00:00:25,268 --> 00:00:27,738
Now, I've turned
my attention to isolating
12
00:00:27,771 --> 00:00:30,473
the genetic marker which is
slowing his transformation.
13
00:00:31,408 --> 00:00:33,777
It's a very complex
scientific procedure
14
00:00:33,810 --> 00:00:35,512
where I mix his DNA
15
00:00:35,545 --> 00:00:38,081
with the DNA of stray animals
16
00:00:38,114 --> 00:00:39,583
just to see what shakes.
17
00:00:39,616 --> 00:00:42,352
So, I began by fusing him
with a swine.
18
00:00:42,385 --> 00:00:43,687
All very good.
19
00:00:43,720 --> 00:00:46,189
And a frog--
Frog not so happy,
20
00:00:46,222 --> 00:00:47,324
-but it's just a frog.
-[frog ribbits]
21
00:00:47,357 --> 00:00:49,393
This beaker for the dog,
22
00:00:49,426 --> 00:00:50,827
and this one for you.
23
00:00:53,263 --> 00:00:54,765
-Mm.
-[Laszlo] Oh, shit.
24
00:00:54,798 --> 00:00:56,266
I just realized I got those
the wrong way around.
25
00:00:56,299 --> 00:00:57,734
-My mistake.
-What do you mean, that--
26
00:00:57,767 --> 00:00:59,503
That's a big mistake.
Am I gonna be okay?
27
00:00:59,536 --> 00:01:02,105
You'll be fine. I just
need another urine sample.
28
00:01:02,138 --> 00:01:04,241
-Urine sample? For--
-To refill the beakers.
29
00:01:04,274 --> 00:01:05,509
[retching]
30
00:01:05,542 --> 00:01:07,344
[door slams]
31
00:01:07,377 --> 00:01:09,379
-[Laszlo] Ha-ha!
-Laszlo's been in there
for three days
32
00:01:09,412 --> 00:01:11,381
-and three nights now.
I think he's on the verge
-Success!
33
00:01:11,414 --> 00:01:12,416
-of a breakthrough.
-[crash]
-Aw, shit.
34
00:01:12,449 --> 00:01:14,718
[door opens]
35
00:01:14,751 --> 00:01:16,319
Well?
36
00:01:17,087 --> 00:01:18,855
I don't know
how to put this lightly,
37
00:01:18,888 --> 00:01:20,257
but you're fucked.
38
00:01:20,290 --> 00:01:21,525
And while we're being blunt,
39
00:01:21,558 --> 00:01:23,760
you are what
the scientific community
40
00:01:23,793 --> 00:01:27,564
refer to as a lost cause
with no hope whatsoever.
41
00:01:27,597 --> 00:01:30,634
So... that's it?
You're just gonna give up on me?
42
00:01:30,667 --> 00:01:32,102
I'm not gonna give up on you,
43
00:01:32,135 --> 00:01:33,470
I'm gonna give up
on the experiments.
44
00:01:33,503 --> 00:01:35,472
And I'd like you
to do one thing for me.
45
00:01:35,505 --> 00:01:36,706
Anything.
Whatever you want.
46
00:01:38,541 --> 00:01:41,712
-[bleating]
-[Guillermo] What are those?
47
00:01:41,745 --> 00:01:44,081
[Laszlo] Those-- well, they're
just some of the results
48
00:01:44,114 --> 00:01:45,716
of my experiments with your DNA.
49
00:01:45,749 --> 00:01:47,450
Kill them.
50
00:01:49,586 --> 00:01:51,688
["You're Dead"
by Norma Tanega playing]
51
00:01:51,721 --> 00:01:54,291
♪ Don't sing if you want
to live long ♪
52
00:01:54,324 --> 00:01:56,693
♪ They have no use
for your song ♪
53
00:01:56,726 --> 00:02:00,130
♪ You're dead, you're dead,
you're dead ♪
54
00:02:00,163 --> 00:02:02,365
♪ You're dead
and out of this world ♪
55
00:02:03,800 --> 00:02:06,837
♪ Now your hope and compassion
is gone ♪
56
00:02:06,870 --> 00:02:09,640
♪ You sold out your dream
to the world ♪
57
00:02:09,673 --> 00:02:12,109
♪ Stay dead, stay dead,
stay dead ♪
58
00:02:12,142 --> 00:02:14,210
♪ You're dead
and out of this world. ♪
59
00:02:19,115 --> 00:02:21,150
♪ ♪
60
00:02:24,254 --> 00:02:26,223
[Nadja]
These are words for "money"
61
00:02:26,256 --> 00:02:27,257
in America.
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00:02:27,290 --> 00:02:28,859
So I have been teaching a class
63
00:02:28,892 --> 00:02:30,727
in Little Antipaxos on
64
00:02:30,760 --> 00:02:33,196
assimilating to America.
65
00:02:33,229 --> 00:02:35,699
I have been helping them master
everyday skills
66
00:02:35,732 --> 00:02:37,501
such as language proficiency.
67
00:02:37,534 --> 00:02:39,469
[New York accent]
Whoa! Hey, I'm walkin' here!
68
00:02:39,502 --> 00:02:41,738
Learn better driving etiquette,
you piece of shit!
69
00:02:41,771 --> 00:02:43,774
I just spilled my coffee!
70
00:02:43,807 --> 00:02:45,242
[regular accent]
Write it down.
71
00:02:45,275 --> 00:02:46,877
Typical American industries.
72
00:02:46,910 --> 00:02:49,713
Films, newspapers, beef.
73
00:02:49,746 --> 00:02:50,781
Write it down.
74
00:02:50,814 --> 00:02:52,115
And I told them the words
75
00:02:52,148 --> 00:02:53,784
to the colonial patriot hymn,
76
00:02:53,817 --> 00:02:55,185
which is the song of the nation.
77
00:02:55,218 --> 00:02:57,654
♪ Burgers and fries ♪
78
00:02:57,687 --> 00:02:59,222
♪ Mickey Mouse ♪
79
00:02:59,255 --> 00:03:01,191
♪ Mount Rushmore. ♪
Yeehaw!
80
00:03:01,224 --> 00:03:02,559
Also,
81
00:03:02,592 --> 00:03:03,760
a very important day, which is
82
00:03:03,793 --> 00:03:06,196
the annual turkey sacrifice.
83
00:03:06,229 --> 00:03:08,565
Okay, so, welcome
to Thanksgiving.
84
00:03:08,598 --> 00:03:10,567
When we are not eating
we are paying respects
85
00:03:10,600 --> 00:03:12,836
to the bird--
touching it, blowing it kisses.
86
00:03:12,869 --> 00:03:15,172
Keeping very low, on three.
87
00:03:15,205 --> 00:03:17,607
One, two, three.
88
00:03:17,640 --> 00:03:19,476
And then acknowledge the onion.
89
00:03:19,509 --> 00:03:21,511
It all started when The Guide
discovered a new detail
90
00:03:21,544 --> 00:03:24,381
about this ancient hex
that's been ruining my life.
91
00:03:24,414 --> 00:03:25,482
Give me that.
92
00:03:25,515 --> 00:03:28,385
[speaking Greek]
93
00:03:28,418 --> 00:03:30,821
"For those you've burned,
you must atone."
94
00:03:30,854 --> 00:03:33,490
And that's
when I figured it out.
95
00:03:33,523 --> 00:03:35,726
So, back in my Antipaxos,
there was only
96
00:03:35,759 --> 00:03:37,628
one school that
everyone went to.
97
00:03:37,661 --> 00:03:41,264
School wasn't easy for anyone,
but especially not me.
98
00:03:41,297 --> 00:03:43,533
All the other children
said I was too noisy,
99
00:03:43,566 --> 00:03:45,402
so I was always
made to sit outside.
100
00:03:45,435 --> 00:03:46,570
And then one day,
101
00:03:46,603 --> 00:03:49,239
somebody burned down the school.
102
00:03:49,272 --> 00:03:52,209
And that person was me.
103
00:03:52,242 --> 00:03:55,178
Nobody died,
but no one ever learned
104
00:03:55,211 --> 00:03:56,413
anything ever again.
105
00:03:56,446 --> 00:03:57,514
My fellow villagers
106
00:03:57,547 --> 00:03:59,082
never forgave me.
107
00:03:59,115 --> 00:04:01,451
Which is why I believe
doing a school
108
00:04:01,484 --> 00:04:05,289
for my fellow little Antipaxons
will maybe be a way
109
00:04:05,322 --> 00:04:07,557
to reverse
this motherfucking hex!
110
00:04:10,126 --> 00:04:12,396
-Whose...
-These freaks of nature
111
00:04:12,429 --> 00:04:14,331
are a result
of my DNA recombinations.
112
00:04:14,364 --> 00:04:17,134
In layman's terms,
they're tiny Gizmos.
113
00:04:17,167 --> 00:04:20,437
Created for the diagnosis
of your vampiratus interruptus.
114
00:04:20,470 --> 00:04:23,240
[stammers]
These creatures are-are me?
115
00:04:23,273 --> 00:04:24,808
Pretty much, yeah, I mean,
116
00:04:24,841 --> 00:04:27,077
you can tell by the irritating
way in which they behave.
117
00:04:27,110 --> 00:04:28,445
-Get the fuck off.
-[screeches]
118
00:04:28,478 --> 00:04:29,846
That one there
119
00:04:29,879 --> 00:04:31,848
came from one of your
stool samples and a pig.
120
00:04:31,881 --> 00:04:34,718
This one,
from a cheek swab and a dog.
121
00:04:34,751 --> 00:04:36,486
And I believe you've met
these chaps before.
122
00:04:36,519 --> 00:04:38,455
-Oof.
-Ugh.
123
00:04:38,488 --> 00:04:40,590
-Do we have to kill them?
-I'm afraid so.
124
00:04:40,623 --> 00:04:43,327
Their continuous existence
is too painful reminder
125
00:04:43,360 --> 00:04:45,629
-of my failings as a scientist.
-[bleating]
126
00:04:45,662 --> 00:04:48,098
Ah, and that one--
now that's a complete mistake.
127
00:04:48,131 --> 00:04:50,133
Some wool from one of your
hideous sweaters
128
00:04:50,166 --> 00:04:51,435
got in the petri dish,
129
00:04:51,468 --> 00:04:54,471
and there you go.
But between you and I,
130
00:04:54,504 --> 00:04:56,339
kill that one first.
131
00:05:02,412 --> 00:05:06,116
In conclusion, the two steps
132
00:05:06,149 --> 00:05:10,587
one, go to bank,
two, open account.
133
00:05:10,620 --> 00:05:11,521
Write that down.
134
00:05:11,554 --> 00:05:13,390
-Ooh, ooh!
-Ooh.
135
00:05:13,423 --> 00:05:15,092
[Nadja]
I asked Nandor
and Colin Robinson
136
00:05:15,125 --> 00:05:16,760
to come with me
on the first day because
137
00:05:16,793 --> 00:05:18,662
I didn't want the class
to look too empty.
138
00:05:18,695 --> 00:05:21,398
But now I cannot
get those two tits to leave.
139
00:05:21,431 --> 00:05:23,634
It's not the best school class
140
00:05:23,667 --> 00:05:24,801
I've ever attended,
141
00:05:24,834 --> 00:05:26,870
even though it's the only one.
142
00:05:26,903 --> 00:05:29,139
How was your weekend?
143
00:05:29,172 --> 00:05:31,541
Same old, same old.
144
00:05:31,574 --> 00:05:32,876
I hear that, asshole.
145
00:05:32,909 --> 00:05:34,244
[Nandor]
I thought we'd learn more
146
00:05:34,277 --> 00:05:36,113
about history, like warriors
147
00:05:36,146 --> 00:05:39,249
and killing and pillaging,
148
00:05:39,282 --> 00:05:42,853
but I guess we got to get
through the boring stuff first.
149
00:05:42,886 --> 00:05:45,722
[Colin]
I used to audit
a lot of night school
150
00:05:45,755 --> 00:05:49,092
classes. Fiction writing,
mostly. I once
151
00:05:49,125 --> 00:05:50,861
did a poem that I titled
152
00:05:50,894 --> 00:05:53,730
An Ode to My Father's
Masculinity.
153
00:05:53,763 --> 00:05:55,499
Easy drain.
154
00:05:55,532 --> 00:05:58,334
How many people did you
have sex with this weekend?
155
00:06:00,637 --> 00:06:02,673
-Seven.
-One.
156
00:06:02,706 --> 00:06:05,542
No!
Water cooler does not talk.
157
00:06:05,575 --> 00:06:06,743
Write that down.
158
00:06:06,776 --> 00:06:08,578
[quietly]
Oh, so stupid. I give up.
159
00:06:08,611 --> 00:06:10,213
I'm starting to think that
160
00:06:10,246 --> 00:06:14,083
maybe I'm not very good at this.
[exclaims]
161
00:06:15,485 --> 00:06:18,522
No, I... I can't.
162
00:06:18,555 --> 00:06:20,257
I can't do this.
I can't
163
00:06:20,290 --> 00:06:22,326
hurt an innocent creature...
Ew.
164
00:06:22,359 --> 00:06:24,227
-Get off, get off, get off.
-[screeching]
165
00:06:25,028 --> 00:06:26,797
I could just probably
call an exterminator
166
00:06:26,830 --> 00:06:28,498
or animal control because,
technically,
167
00:06:28,531 --> 00:06:30,534
you are vermin, so...
168
00:06:30,567 --> 00:06:33,537
Wow, you do look like me.
169
00:06:33,570 --> 00:06:35,539
[Nadja]
Is teaching
170
00:06:35,572 --> 00:06:36,873
actually going to help me
171
00:06:36,906 --> 00:06:39,643
lift this fucking hex?
172
00:06:39,676 --> 00:06:42,512
-[hisses]
-You are struggling.
173
00:06:42,545 --> 00:06:45,382
Oh, fantastic.
Another disgruntled student.
174
00:06:45,415 --> 00:06:47,451
You have a troubled
energy about you.
175
00:06:47,484 --> 00:06:49,620
A dark presence looms.
176
00:06:49,653 --> 00:06:52,389
Do you know about the hex?
177
00:06:52,422 --> 00:06:54,224
Ever since you have come here,
you have brought with you
178
00:06:54,257 --> 00:06:57,394
a very dark, spectral
179
00:06:57,427 --> 00:06:58,629
specter.
180
00:06:58,662 --> 00:07:00,764
It's like a hex, if you will.
181
00:07:00,797 --> 00:07:03,634
[sighs]
And what is your name,
182
00:07:03,667 --> 00:07:05,535
crispy, old, wizened crone?
183
00:07:05,568 --> 00:07:07,303
Oh, my name's Helen.
184
00:07:08,138 --> 00:07:11,375
Hel-- Oh, just Helen.
That's it. Just Helen?
185
00:07:11,408 --> 00:07:13,810
-Helen the Magic Woman.
-And you can help me
186
00:07:13,843 --> 00:07:17,080
rid myself
of this disgusting hex?
187
00:07:17,113 --> 00:07:19,216
-Yes.
-[chuckles]
188
00:07:19,249 --> 00:07:21,785
I am so sorry, class,
but something has come up.
189
00:07:21,818 --> 00:07:24,354
Colin, Nandor, one of you
is the teacher now! Go!
190
00:07:24,387 --> 00:07:26,757
-I can't say I am surprised
-I am the teacher
191
00:07:26,790 --> 00:07:28,759
-by this turn of events.
-and you will listen to me now.
192
00:07:28,792 --> 00:07:30,661
-I have been known to,
-I am an expert in--
193
00:07:30,694 --> 00:07:32,195
-um...
-[growls softly]
194
00:07:32,228 --> 00:07:33,330
[Nadja]
Okay.
195
00:07:33,363 --> 00:07:35,132
I think I have gotten this.
196
00:07:35,165 --> 00:07:37,501
A gray egg from a red turkey,
197
00:07:37,534 --> 00:07:39,369
a petal of wolfsbane...
198
00:07:39,402 --> 00:07:41,471
Magic can be a very
199
00:07:41,504 --> 00:07:43,774
strange and confusing thing,
200
00:07:43,807 --> 00:07:46,243
which is why
I do not fuck with it.
201
00:07:46,276 --> 00:07:47,611
...a snake's nose...
202
00:07:47,644 --> 00:07:50,080
But if this sorceress
203
00:07:50,113 --> 00:07:54,318
can fix me, then hell yes,
I'm all in.
204
00:07:54,351 --> 00:07:57,354
Is there anything else you
require for this magic potion?
205
00:07:57,387 --> 00:07:59,122
I will need an eye of newt,
206
00:07:59,155 --> 00:08:00,791
a black cat's whisker
207
00:08:00,824 --> 00:08:05,462
and a chocolate glazed from
the Dunkin' on Forest Avenue.
208
00:08:05,495 --> 00:08:06,730
What is this, uh,
209
00:08:06,763 --> 00:08:08,598
an enchanted forest
or something?
210
00:08:08,631 --> 00:08:10,233
It is a pastry shop.
211
00:08:10,266 --> 00:08:12,202
-Oh.
-They sell what in these
modern times
212
00:08:12,235 --> 00:08:14,805
are called doughnuts.
213
00:08:14,838 --> 00:08:16,406
A doughnut?
214
00:08:16,439 --> 00:08:18,608
-Why would you need a doughnut?
-Normally,
215
00:08:18,641 --> 00:08:21,311
I would require you to
retrieve the sweetest flower
216
00:08:21,344 --> 00:08:24,648
-from the peak of Mount Juktas.
-Oh.
217
00:08:24,681 --> 00:08:26,783
But honestly, it tastes
a lot like a doughnut, so...
218
00:08:26,816 --> 00:08:29,319
I'll get on with this.
Goodbye, hex.
219
00:08:29,352 --> 00:08:31,121
-Come on, get inside.
Let's go. Okay.
-[bleating]
220
00:08:31,154 --> 00:08:32,456
No, I don't know
what the next step is,
221
00:08:32,489 --> 00:08:33,457
but it's definitely not
killing them.
222
00:08:33,490 --> 00:08:35,258
Maybe to the zoo?
223
00:08:35,291 --> 00:08:37,661
Uh... the park? I could
drop you guys at the park, huh?
224
00:08:37,694 --> 00:08:40,730
A good run in the park
would do me a world of good.
225
00:08:42,532 --> 00:08:43,667
You can talk.
226
00:08:43,700 --> 00:08:45,602
Many of us can.
I apologize
227
00:08:45,635 --> 00:08:47,104
for not telling you
sooner, I just
228
00:08:47,137 --> 00:08:48,205
didn't want to...
229
00:08:48,238 --> 00:08:49,739
-shock you.
-[screeches]
230
00:08:53,677 --> 00:08:56,380
A question
231
00:08:56,413 --> 00:08:59,616
knowledge...
232
00:08:59,649 --> 00:09:01,418
one can possess?
233
00:09:01,451 --> 00:09:03,220
History.
234
00:09:03,253 --> 00:09:05,255
And where did
human history begin?
235
00:09:05,288 --> 00:09:09,092
The great empire
of Al Qolnidar rose to power
236
00:09:09,125 --> 00:09:12,763
in what the Western world
calls 1262.
237
00:09:12,796 --> 00:09:14,698
But we're gonna
forget about that
238
00:09:14,731 --> 00:09:18,368
and just call it the year O.
239
00:09:18,401 --> 00:09:22,539
Whatever, man.
History is subjective.
240
00:09:22,572 --> 00:09:24,441
I mean, teach what you want,
241
00:09:24,474 --> 00:09:26,376
but just know that history
242
00:09:26,409 --> 00:09:28,578
is written by the oppressors.
243
00:09:28,611 --> 00:09:31,481
One of the biggest and most
244
00:09:31,514 --> 00:09:34,418
commonly-used
energy drains imaginable
245
00:09:34,451 --> 00:09:35,786
is being
246
00:09:35,819 --> 00:09:37,621
the cool teacher.
247
00:09:37,654 --> 00:09:40,290
I used to have
a bumper sticker that said,
248
00:09:40,323 --> 00:09:42,693
"I rather be reading Bukowski."
249
00:09:42,726 --> 00:09:44,161
It was pretty rad.
250
00:09:44,194 --> 00:09:46,263
Uh, I have a little gift
for you guys.
251
00:09:46,296 --> 00:09:47,764
Some condoms.
252
00:09:47,797 --> 00:09:50,267
I want you guys
to be healthy out there.
253
00:09:50,300 --> 00:09:53,136
You don't have to be in love
to wear the glove.
254
00:09:53,169 --> 00:09:54,638
-Right, Lorraine?
-[Nandor] Colin Robinson
255
00:09:54,671 --> 00:09:56,640
has tricked my pupils
into thinking
256
00:09:56,673 --> 00:09:58,842
-that they are learning.
-[chuckles]
257
00:09:58,875 --> 00:10:00,711
Meanwhile, I have not
heard the word "history"
258
00:10:00,744 --> 00:10:02,779
or Al Qolnidar mentioned once.
259
00:10:02,812 --> 00:10:04,381
[Colin]
Let me tell you about Hamlet.
260
00:10:04,414 --> 00:10:06,416
A prince of a castle.
261
00:10:06,449 --> 00:10:08,352
You wince,
but his hassle
262
00:10:08,385 --> 00:10:10,721
was the death of...
his daddy.
263
00:10:10,754 --> 00:10:12,122
A baddy? No.
264
00:10:12,155 --> 00:10:13,390
But sad he was
265
00:10:13,423 --> 00:10:14,791
-when the lad said, "Egad,"
-[growls]
266
00:10:14,824 --> 00:10:17,694
a prince driven mad,
ya boy got had.
267
00:10:17,727 --> 00:10:20,597
[Nandor]
What is even worse
is that he keeps sitting up
268
00:10:20,630 --> 00:10:22,399
on the desk
with his legs crossed
269
00:10:22,432 --> 00:10:23,800
so that everyone can see his nut
270
00:10:23,833 --> 00:10:25,435
hanging out his short.
271
00:10:26,836 --> 00:10:28,538
[Guillermo]
You can talk?
272
00:10:28,571 --> 00:10:30,574
-You're, like, real people?
-[bleating]
273
00:10:30,607 --> 00:10:32,209
Why didn't you tell me
you could talk?
274
00:10:32,242 --> 00:10:33,877
I guess we can be shy sometimes.
275
00:10:33,910 --> 00:10:35,846
What, you open up to people
right off the bat?
276
00:10:35,879 --> 00:10:38,315
Well, no, not usually, I guess
I take a second,
277
00:10:38,348 --> 00:10:39,716
yeah, but--
278
00:10:39,749 --> 00:10:42,552
-I made an oopsie, Daddy.
-No, no one's Daddy.
279
00:10:42,585 --> 00:10:44,521
But Daddy Gemerno,
280
00:10:44,554 --> 00:10:46,690
-the oopsie is getting bad.
-[Guillermo] Oh, shit.
281
00:10:46,723 --> 00:10:47,858
Ugh, what'd you eat?
282
00:10:47,891 --> 00:10:49,126
Uh, listen, Daddy, I kind of
283
00:10:49,159 --> 00:10:50,727
made the froggie pregnant.
284
00:10:50,760 --> 00:10:53,096
-What?
-I want raw meat.
-Da-da,
285
00:10:53,129 --> 00:10:54,731
-my oopsie's really bad.
-[bleating] Da-da.
-[dog] What's the plan, Daddy?
286
00:10:54,764 --> 00:10:57,134
-Come on!
-I want to go outside.
-Shh, shh, shh, shh!
287
00:10:57,167 --> 00:10:59,269
Stop talking.
I got to think, I got to think.
288
00:10:59,302 --> 00:11:02,506
Laszlo wants me to, you know,
get rid of you.
289
00:11:02,539 --> 00:11:04,741
What means "get rid of"?
290
00:11:04,774 --> 00:11:07,077
-Um...
-Our elders spoke of a prophecy
291
00:11:07,110 --> 00:11:09,379
of the one true Guillermo
who saves us.
292
00:11:09,412 --> 00:11:11,648
What are you talking about?
Elders? Who-who are your elders?
293
00:11:11,681 --> 00:11:13,583
He was born
15 minutes before me.
294
00:11:13,616 --> 00:11:15,152
Hello, young one.
295
00:11:15,185 --> 00:11:17,421
Rest easy, all.
Guillermo will save us.
296
00:11:17,454 --> 00:11:19,222
-Daddy, Daddy.
-[dog] Ain't that right, Daddy?
-I don't want to die.
297
00:11:19,255 --> 00:11:21,391
Shh! Stop, stop, stop,
stop talking.
298
00:11:21,424 --> 00:11:22,559
Fine. I'll save you.
299
00:11:22,592 --> 00:11:24,194
-Yeah!
-Thank you, Daddy.
300
00:11:24,227 --> 00:11:25,729
-But you can't
tell Laszlo, okay?
-Agreed.
301
00:11:25,762 --> 00:11:27,364
Is this all of you guys?
302
00:11:27,397 --> 00:11:28,732
-Where's-where's Binky?
-Who?
303
00:11:28,765 --> 00:11:30,300
Binky's the most
fragile among us.
304
00:11:30,333 --> 00:11:31,501
He lives in the koi pond.
305
00:11:31,534 --> 00:11:32,836
Find him, Guillermo.
306
00:11:32,869 --> 00:11:34,471
Okay, fine, I'll find him.
I'll find Binky.
307
00:11:34,504 --> 00:11:36,106
And you're all gonna stay put
308
00:11:36,139 --> 00:11:37,674
a-and not make a noise.
309
00:11:37,707 --> 00:11:39,242
All right?
310
00:11:39,275 --> 00:11:41,411
Do not think your bravery
will go unnoticed.
311
00:11:41,444 --> 00:11:42,846
-See her? This fetching bitch
-[whines]
312
00:11:42,879 --> 00:11:45,649
is my beautiful daughter.
You may lay with her.
313
00:11:45,682 --> 00:11:47,851
-No, I'm good.
I'm gonna take this gun.
-Whoa, whoa, whoa.
314
00:11:47,884 --> 00:11:50,219
-[pig] We love you, Daddy.
-I'll be back.
-[dog] Daddy!
315
00:11:52,355 --> 00:11:54,424
Helen, I'm home!
[chuckles]
316
00:11:54,457 --> 00:11:56,159
So, I think I got everything.
317
00:11:56,192 --> 00:11:57,427
One monkey paw.
318
00:11:57,460 --> 00:12:00,397
-Great...
-Tears on a woman's love letter.
319
00:12:00,430 --> 00:12:04,234
Oh. Okay, so we're going
straight for the doughnut.
320
00:12:04,267 --> 00:12:06,203
Oh, I'm so sorry, they only had
321
00:12:06,236 --> 00:12:08,672
vanilla glazed
with rainbow sprinkles.
322
00:12:08,705 --> 00:12:11,108
What am I supposed
to do with this?
323
00:12:11,141 --> 00:12:12,743
Could you not use that for your
324
00:12:12,776 --> 00:12:13,777
magic potion?
325
00:12:13,810 --> 00:12:15,345
Has to be chocolate or...
326
00:12:15,378 --> 00:12:17,648
You think I can
put this in my big bowl?
327
00:12:17,681 --> 00:12:19,149
Do you mean a cauldron?
328
00:12:19,182 --> 00:12:21,218
Yes. That is the word.
329
00:12:21,251 --> 00:12:22,519
You're gonna
have to go back out.
330
00:12:22,552 --> 00:12:24,087
Of course, yes.
331
00:12:24,120 --> 00:12:27,391
And why don't you also grab me
332
00:12:27,424 --> 00:12:29,693
three Boston creams,
333
00:12:29,726 --> 00:12:32,396
three chocolate glazed,
four jelly
334
00:12:32,429 --> 00:12:35,565
and five glazed crullers.
335
00:12:35,598 --> 00:12:37,301
-What else?
-Do you think you might want
336
00:12:37,334 --> 00:12:39,403
more of witchy, spooky stuff?
337
00:12:39,436 --> 00:12:41,605
Uh, maybe, after we
get the Dunkin' sorted.
338
00:12:41,638 --> 00:12:43,674
[Nadja]
I don't know much about hexes
339
00:12:43,707 --> 00:12:45,609
or how to get rid of them,
obviously.
340
00:12:45,642 --> 00:12:49,112
Maybe the doughnut is something
to do with the circle of life?
341
00:12:49,145 --> 00:12:52,182
Also, Helen said
she had this magic wand
342
00:12:52,215 --> 00:12:53,650
for thousands of years.
343
00:12:53,683 --> 00:12:56,119
But I'm pretty sure
I saw her go outside
344
00:12:56,152 --> 00:12:57,854
and pick up a stick
from the ground.
345
00:12:57,887 --> 00:13:00,090
-It was, like, a "crullan."
-Cruller.
346
00:13:00,123 --> 00:13:02,492
-"Crewlour."
-Cr-uller.
347
00:13:02,525 --> 00:13:04,828
"Crew-row-row... row-row-ler."
348
00:13:04,861 --> 00:13:05,862
Close enough.
349
00:13:05,895 --> 00:13:07,497
[humming a tune]
350
00:13:07,530 --> 00:13:09,566
[clattering in distance]
351
00:13:09,599 --> 00:13:12,436
What the fuck... Gizmo?
What are you
352
00:13:12,469 --> 00:13:14,237
doing in there--
are you wanking?
353
00:13:14,270 --> 00:13:16,873
-No! What?
-Well, I wouldn't
judge you if you were.
354
00:13:16,906 --> 00:13:19,443
I wank in there all the time.
30 minutes ago, to be precise.
355
00:13:19,476 --> 00:13:21,545
No. Actually, I'm trying to
catch one of your abominations.
356
00:13:21,578 --> 00:13:23,146
Listen, I understand
this kind of thing
357
00:13:23,179 --> 00:13:24,481
is not for the faint of heart.
358
00:13:24,514 --> 00:13:25,682
So if you don't
have the balls for it,
359
00:13:25,715 --> 00:13:27,383
-I don't mind stepping in.
-No.
360
00:13:28,184 --> 00:13:30,520
-I-I have the balls for it.
-Good.
361
00:13:30,553 --> 00:13:32,389
-Get out of my shed.
-Oh, you're gonna go and...
362
00:13:32,422 --> 00:13:33,523
-And wank.
-Yeah.
363
00:13:33,556 --> 00:13:34,825
-Yes!
-Okay.
364
00:13:34,858 --> 00:13:36,793
-And shut the door.
-Shut the door.
365
00:13:37,761 --> 00:13:39,429
Okay.
366
00:13:39,462 --> 00:13:41,598
Binky. [smooches]
367
00:13:41,631 --> 00:13:44,368
Hey, buddy.
Come on.
368
00:13:44,401 --> 00:13:45,469
Come on.
369
00:13:45,502 --> 00:13:47,437
Whoa, Nelly!
370
00:13:48,405 --> 00:13:49,806
[gasping]
371
00:13:49,839 --> 00:13:52,742
Daddy, what is "wank"?
[gasps]
372
00:13:56,713 --> 00:13:59,483
-[out of tun
373
00:13:59,516 --> 00:14:01,317
I almost have it.
374
00:14:02,352 --> 00:14:03,854
Oh, I'm in the wrong spot.
375
00:14:03,887 --> 00:14:05,289
-[sighs]
-Hold on.
376
00:14:05,322 --> 00:14:07,124
-[in-tune chord]
-There.
377
00:14:07,157 --> 00:14:10,260
So, what did we just learn
about sound waves?
378
00:14:10,293 --> 00:14:11,528
Yeah. Lenore.
379
00:14:11,561 --> 00:14:12,796
When will learn about, uh,
380
00:14:12,829 --> 00:14:14,665
starting mortgage?
381
00:14:14,698 --> 00:14:17,200
Right after I play
382
00:14:17,233 --> 00:14:18,869
"Nightswimming" by R.E.M.
383
00:14:18,902 --> 00:14:20,504
-Uh, let's see--
-Colin Robinson,
384
00:14:20,537 --> 00:14:22,572
what are we doing outside?
385
00:14:22,605 --> 00:14:24,708
Having class on the quad, man.
386
00:14:24,741 --> 00:14:26,576
Kind of a college tradition.
387
00:14:26,609 --> 00:14:28,278
I catch your drift, though.
388
00:14:28,311 --> 00:14:31,415
How about we get
the old blood pumpin'
389
00:14:31,448 --> 00:14:35,319
-with some hacky sack?
-[grunts]
390
00:14:35,352 --> 00:14:36,753
-That's not cool.
-[thud]
-We are going
391
00:14:36,786 --> 00:14:38,255
-[car alarm blaring]
-to the history museum.
392
00:14:38,288 --> 00:14:40,223
-Who's with me?
-Museum? Is inside?
393
00:14:40,256 --> 00:14:43,293
Yes. Very much so.
Follow me!
394
00:14:43,326 --> 00:14:45,329
-Oh. [mutters]
-Who here has seen Garden State?
395
00:14:45,362 --> 00:14:47,764
There's a song in it
that I'd love for you guys
396
00:14:47,797 --> 00:14:49,799
to listen to by The Shins.
397
00:14:52,335 --> 00:14:53,837
This is from the Dunkin'
398
00:14:53,870 --> 00:14:56,273
on Forest and Broadway.
I said it must be
399
00:14:56,306 --> 00:14:59,609
-Forest and South.
-What? How can you even tell?
400
00:14:59,642 --> 00:15:02,245
Hello! I'm a magic woman.
I can tell everything.
401
00:15:02,278 --> 00:15:03,847
-[sighs]
-I will need a dozen more
402
00:15:03,880 --> 00:15:05,582
from the Forest and South
location.
403
00:15:05,615 --> 00:15:06,850
Are you kidding me?
404
00:15:06,883 --> 00:15:09,152
How many donuts
do you need, lady?
405
00:15:09,185 --> 00:15:10,721
-[groans]
-Oh!
406
00:15:10,754 --> 00:15:12,522
Oh, Magic Woman,
what is happening?
407
00:15:12,555 --> 00:15:15,225
Oh, the hex.
It grows more powerful
408
00:15:15,258 --> 00:15:16,827
with each passing moment.
409
00:15:16,860 --> 00:15:19,262
-Oh, no.
-Oh, you must fetch me
one last thing.
410
00:15:19,295 --> 00:15:21,064
Yes, yes, anything.
411
00:15:22,799 --> 00:15:25,268
A dozen powdered Munchkins.
412
00:15:25,301 --> 00:15:28,672
Powder represents
the ashes of your ancestors.
413
00:15:28,705 --> 00:15:32,209
I will get you
a dozen powdered Munchkins.
414
00:15:32,242 --> 00:15:33,877
Stay with me, Helen!
415
00:15:33,910 --> 00:15:36,146
-[whimpering]
-Oh.
416
00:15:36,179 --> 00:15:38,515
-Piss!
-[stops whimpering]
417
00:15:38,548 --> 00:15:41,151
What are you doing?! Come on!
418
00:15:41,184 --> 00:15:43,654
[Nandor] And you will not
call the police about us
419
00:15:43,687 --> 00:15:46,423
being here while
the museum is closed.
420
00:15:46,456 --> 00:15:48,191
[quiet chatter]
421
00:15:48,224 --> 00:15:52,362
The entire history
of Staten Island!
422
00:15:52,395 --> 00:15:54,131
-Look at this.
-[Colin] This is a recreation
423
00:15:54,164 --> 00:15:57,768
of the 19th century
immigrant experience,
424
00:15:57,801 --> 00:15:59,770
based on old travel chests
425
00:15:59,803 --> 00:16:02,339
that were never claimed
from the customs house.
426
00:16:02,372 --> 00:16:04,608
This fellow
is wearing traditional
427
00:16:04,641 --> 00:16:07,177
Al-Qolnidarian gown.
428
00:16:07,210 --> 00:16:09,713
This is exactly
the kind of outfit I wore
429
00:16:09,746 --> 00:16:12,082
on my journey to America.
430
00:16:12,115 --> 00:16:14,284
And I do so love
431
00:16:14,317 --> 00:16:18,088
that this is from
the immigrant's perspective.
432
00:16:18,121 --> 00:16:21,792
So accurate,
down to the underwear.
433
00:16:21,825 --> 00:16:24,761
Those look very much
like a pair I used to own.
434
00:16:24,794 --> 00:16:26,596
Wait a minute.
435
00:16:26,629 --> 00:16:28,665
Those are a pair I used to own!
436
00:16:28,698 --> 00:16:32,135
How did these fuckers
get my stuff?!
437
00:16:32,936 --> 00:16:35,238
Donut wench, I need
a dozen powdered Munchkins,
438
00:16:35,271 --> 00:16:36,640
and make it quick.
439
00:16:36,673 --> 00:16:39,376
-A hex is killing my friend.
-Okey dokey.
440
00:16:39,409 --> 00:16:41,445
$5.07 for the Munchkins,
441
00:16:41,478 --> 00:16:43,547
and I'll ignore the other stuff.
442
00:16:43,580 --> 00:16:46,316
Wait--
Wait, hang on, that is her.
443
00:16:46,349 --> 00:16:48,619
That is my friend.
How do you know Helen?
444
00:16:48,652 --> 00:16:50,520
Um, I guess
I know her from, like,
445
00:16:50,553 --> 00:16:52,823
harassing me and my co-workers.
446
00:16:52,856 --> 00:16:54,491
That's mainly how.
447
00:16:54,524 --> 00:16:56,660
Hang on. Helen Johnson?
448
00:16:56,693 --> 00:16:59,663
I thought her name
was Helen the Magic Woman.
449
00:16:59,696 --> 00:17:02,232
[speaks Greek]
450
00:17:02,265 --> 00:17:04,801
Something here stinks
of a snake's shit.
451
00:17:04,834 --> 00:17:06,669
I have your Munchkins.
452
00:17:07,671 --> 00:17:09,406
We need to have a little chat.
453
00:17:09,439 --> 00:17:13,243
What is this?
Why does it say Helen Johnson
454
00:17:13,276 --> 00:17:14,745
when your name
is Helen the Magic Woman?
455
00:17:14,778 --> 00:17:18,582
I, um, never
told you my full name,
456
00:17:18,615 --> 00:17:22,452
which is
Helen "the Magic" Johnson.
457
00:17:22,485 --> 00:17:23,820
The hex
is playing tricks on you.
458
00:17:23,853 --> 00:17:25,389
This is textbook hex.
459
00:17:25,422 --> 00:17:27,124
The solution is a strawb--
460
00:17:27,157 --> 00:17:29,159
No! Ugh!
461
00:17:29,192 --> 00:17:30,326
Wait!
462
00:17:32,329 --> 00:17:34,798
You have no idea what it's like
463
00:17:34,831 --> 00:17:37,801
to not be allowed back
to the one place
464
00:17:37,834 --> 00:17:39,870
you feel at home.
465
00:17:39,903 --> 00:17:41,204
[sighs]
466
00:17:41,237 --> 00:17:42,406
I do know what it is like
467
00:17:42,439 --> 00:17:44,274
to be driven from the only place
468
00:17:44,307 --> 00:17:45,776
you have ever called home,
469
00:17:45,809 --> 00:17:48,345
just as I was
driven out of my village.
470
00:17:48,378 --> 00:17:49,579
It ain't great.
[short chuckle]
471
00:17:49,612 --> 00:17:51,581
My hex may not have been lifted,
472
00:17:51,614 --> 00:17:54,151
but with a little hypnosis,
473
00:17:54,184 --> 00:17:56,453
at least Helen's has been.
474
00:17:56,486 --> 00:18:01,425
Welcome home, sweet freak,
Helen "the Magic" Johnson.
475
00:18:01,458 --> 00:18:04,560
You "doughnut"
need to be sad anymore.
476
00:18:05,328 --> 00:18:08,665
"This immigrant probably
came from a small village
477
00:18:08,698 --> 00:18:11,201
"in the Near Middle East, one
478
00:18:11,234 --> 00:18:13,537
"with a particularly
weak army, based
479
00:18:13,570 --> 00:18:15,272
on their inferior weaponry."
480
00:18:15,305 --> 00:18:18,241
What?
Those are my travel weapons.
481
00:18:18,274 --> 00:18:21,778
"Also inside was
a well-worn good-luck amulet.
482
00:18:21,811 --> 00:18:25,716
"The Atlantic Crossing was
terrifying to most uneducated
483
00:18:25,749 --> 00:18:28,585
"travelers of the day,
and they sought comfort
484
00:18:28,618 --> 00:18:30,153
in superstitions--"
485
00:18:30,186 --> 00:18:32,255
I was not terrified of shit.
486
00:18:32,288 --> 00:18:34,658
And I don't even know
what an amulet is.
487
00:18:34,691 --> 00:18:37,127
That is a key chain
given to me by my mommy.
488
00:18:37,160 --> 00:18:39,663
[Colin]
It also says that the immigrant
489
00:18:39,696 --> 00:18:42,466
was a talented writer.
490
00:18:42,499 --> 00:18:45,802
-It does?
-"Stories about sexual escapades
491
00:18:45,835 --> 00:18:47,537
while flying in the sky."
492
00:18:47,570 --> 00:18:50,273
That's right-- sky fucking.
493
00:18:50,306 --> 00:18:51,608
Glad to see they've acknowledged
494
00:18:51,641 --> 00:18:53,477
some of the cool shit
that I've done.
495
00:18:53,510 --> 00:18:56,480
"It's a rare example
of early erotic fiction."
496
00:18:56,513 --> 00:18:58,548
Fiction?
This is not fiction.
497
00:18:58,581 --> 00:19:01,752
-This is my diary!
-[Colin] "It is likely
that, unable
498
00:19:01,785 --> 00:19:04,154
"to find a sexual partner,
499
00:19:04,187 --> 00:19:07,257
"the immigrant
bided his time imagining one.
500
00:19:07,290 --> 00:19:09,760
"The crude
and improbable descriptions
501
00:19:09,793 --> 00:19:11,295
"of his intercourse
502
00:19:11,328 --> 00:19:12,863
-[low growling]
-"furthermore suggests
503
00:19:12,896 --> 00:19:14,631
-"this individual
-Don't say it!
504
00:19:14,664 --> 00:19:16,133
never had sex."
505
00:19:16,166 --> 00:19:17,500
[Nandor groaning, yelling]
506
00:19:21,171 --> 00:19:24,274
[Colin] Violence is the last
refuge of the incompetent.
507
00:19:25,809 --> 00:19:27,710
-[bleating]
-[squealing]
508
00:19:29,713 --> 00:19:31,782
[Laszlo]
I know it's tough,
Gizmo, but it must be done.
509
00:19:31,815 --> 00:19:34,284
Steady thy hand
and become death.
510
00:19:34,317 --> 00:19:35,719
But wait till I'm gone.
I don't want to be covered
511
00:19:35,752 --> 00:19:37,321
in brains and shit.
512
00:19:37,354 --> 00:19:38,655
-Au revoir.
-[bleats]
513
00:19:38,688 --> 00:19:40,157
Bye.
514
00:19:40,190 --> 00:19:42,125
-[whimpering]
-Shh.
515
00:19:42,158 --> 00:19:44,727
-[gunshots]
-[bleating]
-There we go.
516
00:19:47,297 --> 00:19:49,099
Thank you so much, Guillermo.
517
00:19:49,132 --> 00:19:51,100
-Hey, no one's dying on my wa--
-[creatures exclaiming]
518
00:19:52,168 --> 00:19:53,537
Oh! [grunts]
519
00:19:53,570 --> 00:19:55,339
-No. No, drop it. Drop it!
-[growling]
520
00:19:55,372 --> 00:19:57,607
Sorry about that.
521
00:19:59,576 --> 00:20:00,744
[Colin]
Hello.
522
00:20:00,777 --> 00:20:03,647
I thought you might want this
523
00:20:03,680 --> 00:20:05,549
key ring that
your mommy gave you.
524
00:20:05,582 --> 00:20:07,184
I stole it from the museum.
525
00:20:07,217 --> 00:20:09,186
Is this how history
is going to remember me,
526
00:20:09,219 --> 00:20:10,587
Colin Robinson,
527
00:20:10,620 --> 00:20:13,090
if it is going
to remember me at all?
528
00:20:13,123 --> 00:20:16,426
Well, I also took the liberty
529
00:20:16,459 --> 00:20:19,463
of rearranging
the museum display.
530
00:20:19,496 --> 00:20:21,331
"This immigrant
was a very feared
531
00:20:21,364 --> 00:20:23,667
"and very cool ancient warrior
532
00:20:23,700 --> 00:20:27,270
"who set the world's record
for having the most constant
533
00:20:27,303 --> 00:20:29,439
-sexual intercourse"?
-Sexual intercourse.
534
00:20:29,472 --> 00:20:33,343
"Often while flying, and he was
never scared of boat rides."
535
00:20:33,376 --> 00:20:34,811
[Nandor]
You're shitting me.
536
00:20:34,844 --> 00:20:38,382
Whatever, you know?
Uh, history is a construct.
537
00:20:38,415 --> 00:20:40,083
Thank you, Colin Robinson.
538
00:20:40,116 --> 00:20:41,418
You are not just a cool teacher.
539
00:20:41,451 --> 00:20:43,787
You are also a cool friend.
540
00:20:43,820 --> 00:20:45,622
[singsongy] Awkward moment.
[short chuckle]
541
00:20:46,890 --> 00:20:49,259
-[brakes squeaks]
-Okay.
542
00:20:49,292 --> 00:20:51,828
Just remember:
never be seen by the staff.
543
00:20:51,861 --> 00:20:54,331
You're only safe
with the old people.
544
00:20:54,364 --> 00:20:56,733
-Okay.
-[bleating] I understand.
-Yes, we understand.
545
00:20:56,766 --> 00:20:59,102
[Guillermo]
So I just dropped them off
at a retirement home
546
00:20:59,135 --> 00:21:00,504
that my tía works at.
547
00:21:00,537 --> 00:21:02,139
She's always saying
the residents
548
00:21:02,172 --> 00:21:03,507
are really lonely
and love company.
549
00:21:03,540 --> 00:21:07,077
-Who has B-1? B-1?
-[man] Yeah. B-1.
550
00:21:07,110 --> 00:21:08,812
[Guillermo]
And it was super easy
to get the paperwork
551
00:21:08,845 --> 00:21:10,347
for an emotional support animal.
552
00:21:10,380 --> 00:21:13,116
[chuckling, sighing]
553
00:21:13,149 --> 00:21:14,551
[Guillermo]
They'll be happy here,
554
00:21:14,584 --> 00:21:16,219
I think.
555
00:21:16,252 --> 00:21:19,289
I hope.
556
00:21:19,322 --> 00:21:21,758
♪ Born free ♪
557
00:21:21,791 --> 00:21:25,595
♪ As free as the wind blows ♪
558
00:21:25,628 --> 00:21:28,799
♪ As free
as the grass grows... ♪
559
00:21:28,832 --> 00:21:32,669
I decided to keep Binky
because he's happy here.
560
00:21:32,702 --> 00:21:35,372
[Laszlo]
Gizmo, what are you
doing out there?
561
00:21:35,405 --> 00:21:37,374
Having a wank?
562
00:21:37,407 --> 00:21:41,111
Ah, good man. Carry on.
563
00:21:41,144 --> 00:21:43,580
-Hey, buddy.
-[gurgles]
564
00:21:43,613 --> 00:21:46,316
♪ Live free ♪
565
00:21:46,349 --> 00:21:50,253
♪ And beauty surrounds you ♪
566
00:21:50,286 --> 00:21:53,290
♪ The world still astounds you ♪
567
00:21:53,323 --> 00:21:55,459
♪ Each time you look at ♪
568
00:21:55,492 --> 00:21:59,630
♪ A star ♪
569
00:21:59,663 --> 00:22:02,599
♪ Stay free ♪
570
00:22:02,632 --> 00:22:06,536
♪ Where no walls divide you ♪
571
00:22:06,569 --> 00:22:09,439
♪ You're free
as the roaring tides ♪
572
00:22:09,472 --> 00:22:11,441
♪ So there's no need ♪
573
00:22:11,474 --> 00:22:16,079
♪ To hide ♪
574
00:22:16,112 --> 00:22:20,150
♪ Born free ♪
575
00:22:20,183 --> 00:22:23,553
♪ Born free... ♪
576
00:22:23,586 --> 00:22:27,591
♪ Born free ♪
577
00:22:27,624 --> 00:22:29,593
♪ Born. ♪
578
00:22:29,626 --> 00:22:33,126
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org
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