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00:00:03,100 --> 00:00:05,240
...between being a human
and a vampire.
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00:00:09,640 --> 00:00:11,710
"Not a human,
not yet a vampire,"
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00:00:11,710 --> 00:00:13,450
to paraphrase
one of your contemporary
7
00:00:13,450 --> 00:00:15,190
musical troubadours.
8
00:00:15,180 --> 00:00:17,680
Now, I've turned
my attention to isolating
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00:00:17,690 --> 00:00:20,430
the genetic marker which is
slowing his transformation.
10
00:00:21,360 --> 00:00:23,730
It's a very complex
scientific procedure
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00:00:23,720 --> 00:00:25,460
where I mix his DNA
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00:00:25,460 --> 00:00:28,030
with the DNA of stray animals
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00:00:28,030 --> 00:00:29,530
just to see what shakes.
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00:00:29,530 --> 00:00:32,300
So, I began by fusing him
with a swine.
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00:00:32,300 --> 00:00:33,640
All very good.
16
00:00:33,630 --> 00:00:36,130
And a frog--
Frog not so happy,
17
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- but it's just a frog.
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00:00:37,270 --> 00:00:39,340
This beaker for the dog,
19
00:00:39,340 --> 00:00:40,770
and this one for you.
20
00:00:43,210 --> 00:00:44,710
- Mm.
Oh, shit.
21
00:00:44,710 --> 00:00:46,210
I just realized I got those
the wrong way around.
22
00:00:46,210 --> 00:00:47,680
- My mistake.
- What do you mean, that--
23
00:00:47,680 --> 00:00:49,450
That's a big mistake.
Am I gonna be okay?
24
00:00:49,450 --> 00:00:52,050
You'll be fine. I just
need another urine sample.
25
00:00:52,050 --> 00:00:54,190
- Urine sample? For--
- To refill the beakers.
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00:00:54,190 --> 00:00:55,460
28
00:00:57,290 --> 00:00:59,330
- Ha-ha!
- Laszlo's been in there
for three days
29
00:00:59,330 --> 00:01:01,330
- and three nights now.
I think he's on the verge
- Success!
30
00:01:01,330 --> 00:01:02,370
- of a breakthrough.
- Aw, shit.
32
00:01:04,670 --> 00:01:06,270
Well?
33
00:01:07,030 --> 00:01:08,800
I don't know
how to put this lightly,
34
00:01:08,800 --> 00:01:10,200
but you're fucked.
35
00:01:10,200 --> 00:01:11,470
And while we're being blunt,
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00:01:11,470 --> 00:01:13,710
you are what
the scientific community
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00:01:13,710 --> 00:01:17,510
refer to as a lost cause
with no hope whatsoever.
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00:01:17,510 --> 00:01:20,580
So... that's it?
You're just gonna give up on me?
39
00:01:20,580 --> 00:01:22,050
I'm not gonna give up on you,
40
00:01:22,050 --> 00:01:23,420
I'm gonna give up
on the experiments.
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00:01:23,420 --> 00:01:25,420
And I'd like you
to do one thing for me.
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00:01:25,420 --> 00:01:26,650
Anything.
Whatever you want.
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00:01:28,490 --> 00:01:31,660
What are those?
44
00:01:31,660 --> 00:01:34,030
Those-- well, they're
just some of the results
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00:01:34,030 --> 00:01:35,670
of my experiments with your DNA.
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00:01:35,660 --> 00:01:37,390
Kill them.
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00:01:41,640 --> 00:01:44,240
? Don't sing if you want
to live long ?
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00:01:44,240 --> 00:01:46,640
? They have no use
for your song ?
50
00:01:46,640 --> 00:01:50,080
? You're dead, you're dead,
you're dead ?
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00:01:50,080 --> 00:01:52,320
? You're dead
and out of this world ?
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00:01:53,750 --> 00:01:56,790
? Now your hope and compassion
is gone ?
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00:01:56,780 --> 00:01:59,580
? You sold out your dream
to the world ?
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00:01:59,590 --> 00:02:02,060
? Stay dead, stay dead,
stay dead ?
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00:02:02,060 --> 00:02:04,160
? You're dead
and out of this world. ?
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00:02:14,200 --> 00:02:16,170
These are words for "money"
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00:02:16,170 --> 00:02:17,200
in America.
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00:02:17,200 --> 00:02:18,800
So I have been teaching a class
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00:02:18,810 --> 00:02:20,680
in Little Antipaxos on
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00:02:20,670 --> 00:02:23,140
assimilating to America.
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00:02:23,140 --> 00:02:25,640
I have been helping them master
everyday skills
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00:02:25,650 --> 00:02:27,450
such as language proficiency.
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00:02:27,450 --> 00:02:29,420
Whoa! Hey, I'm walkin' here!
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00:02:29,420 --> 00:02:31,690
Learn better driving etiquette,
you piece of shit!
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00:02:31,690 --> 00:02:33,730
I just spilled my coffee!
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00:02:33,720 --> 00:02:35,190
Write it down.
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00:02:35,190 --> 00:02:36,830
Typical American industries.
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00:02:36,820 --> 00:02:39,660
Films, newspapers, beef.
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00:02:39,660 --> 00:02:40,730
Write it down.
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00:02:40,730 --> 00:02:42,060
And I told them the words
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00:02:42,060 --> 00:02:43,730
to the colonial patriot hymn,
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00:02:43,730 --> 00:02:45,130
which is the song of the nation.
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00:02:45,130 --> 00:02:47,600
? Burgers and fries ?
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00:02:47,600 --> 00:02:49,170
? Mickey Mouse ?
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00:02:49,170 --> 00:02:51,140
? Mount Rushmore. ?
Yeehaw!
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00:02:51,140 --> 00:02:52,510
Also,
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00:02:52,510 --> 00:02:53,710
a very important day, which is
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00:02:53,710 --> 00:02:56,150
the annual turkey sacrifice.
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00:02:56,140 --> 00:02:58,510
Okay, so, welcome
to Thanksgiving.
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00:02:58,510 --> 00:03:00,510
When we are not eating
we are paying respects
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00:03:00,510 --> 00:03:02,780
to the bird--
touching it, blowing it kisses.
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00:03:02,780 --> 00:03:05,120
Keeping very low, on three.
84
00:03:05,120 --> 00:03:07,560
One, two, three.
85
00:03:07,550 --> 00:03:09,420
And then acknowledge the onion.
86
00:03:09,420 --> 00:03:11,460
It all started when The Guide
discovered a new detail
87
00:03:11,460 --> 00:03:14,330
about this ancient hex
that's been ruining my life.
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00:03:14,330 --> 00:03:15,430
Give me that.
90
00:03:18,330 --> 00:03:20,770
"For those you've burned,
you must atone."
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00:03:20,770 --> 00:03:23,440
And that's
when I figured it out.
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00:03:23,440 --> 00:03:25,680
So, back in my Antipaxos,
there was only
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00:03:25,670 --> 00:03:27,570
one school that
everyone went to.
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00:03:27,580 --> 00:03:31,220
School wasn't easy for anyone,
but especially not me.
95
00:03:31,210 --> 00:03:33,480
All the other children
said I was too noisy,
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00:03:33,480 --> 00:03:35,350
so I was always
made to sit outside.
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00:03:35,350 --> 00:03:36,520
And then one day,
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00:03:36,520 --> 00:03:39,190
somebody burned down the school.
99
00:03:39,190 --> 00:03:42,160
And that person was me.
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00:03:42,160 --> 00:03:45,130
Nobody died,
but no one ever learned
101
00:03:45,130 --> 00:03:46,370
anything ever again.
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00:03:46,360 --> 00:03:47,460
My fellow villagers
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00:03:47,460 --> 00:03:49,030
never forgave me.
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00:03:49,030 --> 00:03:51,400
Which is why I believe
doing a school
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00:03:51,400 --> 00:03:55,240
for my fellow little Antipaxons
will maybe be a way
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00:03:55,240 --> 00:03:57,510
to reverse
this motherfucking hex!
107
00:04:00,070 --> 00:04:02,340
- Whose...
- These freaks of nature
108
00:04:02,340 --> 00:04:04,280
are a result
of my DNA recombinations.
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00:04:04,280 --> 00:04:07,080
In layman's terms,
they're tiny Gizmos.
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00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:10,380
Created for the diagnosis
of your vampiratus interruptus.
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00:04:10,380 --> 00:04:13,180
These creatures are-are me?
112
00:04:13,190 --> 00:04:14,760
Pretty much, yeah, I mean,
113
00:04:14,760 --> 00:04:17,030
you can tell by the irritating
way in which they behave.
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00:04:17,020 --> 00:04:18,390
- Get the fuck off.
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00:04:18,390 --> 00:04:19,790
That one there
116
00:04:19,790 --> 00:04:21,790
came from one of your
stool samples and a pig.
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00:04:21,800 --> 00:04:24,670
This one,
from a cheek swab and a dog.
118
00:04:24,670 --> 00:04:26,440
And I believe you've met
these chaps before.
119
00:04:26,430 --> 00:04:28,400
- Oof.
- Ugh.
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00:04:28,400 --> 00:04:30,540
- Do we have to kill them?
- I'm afraid so.
121
00:04:30,540 --> 00:04:33,280
Their continuous existence
is too painful reminder
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00:04:33,270 --> 00:04:35,570
- of my failings as a scientist.
123
00:04:35,580 --> 00:04:38,050
Ah, and that one--
now that's a complete mistake.
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00:04:38,050 --> 00:04:40,090
Some wool from one of your
hideous sweaters
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00:04:40,080 --> 00:04:41,380
got in the petri dish,
126
00:04:41,380 --> 00:04:44,420
and there you go.
But between you and I,
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00:04:44,420 --> 00:04:46,290
kill that one first.
128
00:04:52,360 --> 00:04:56,060
In conclusion, the two steps
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00:04:56,060 --> 00:05:00,530
one, go to bank,
two, open account.
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00:05:00,530 --> 00:05:01,460
Write that down.
131
00:05:01,470 --> 00:05:03,340
- Ooh, ooh!
- Ooh.
132
00:05:03,340 --> 00:05:05,040
I asked Nandor
and Colin Robinson
133
00:05:05,040 --> 00:05:06,710
to come with me
on the first day because
134
00:05:06,710 --> 00:05:08,610
I didn't want the class
to look too empty.
135
00:05:08,610 --> 00:05:11,350
But now I cannot
get those two tits to leave.
136
00:05:11,350 --> 00:05:13,590
It's not the best school class
137
00:05:13,580 --> 00:05:14,750
I've ever attended,
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00:05:14,750 --> 00:05:16,820
even though it's the only one.
139
00:05:16,820 --> 00:05:19,090
How was your weekend?
140
00:05:19,090 --> 00:05:21,490
Same old, same old.
141
00:05:21,490 --> 00:05:22,830
I hear that, asshole.
142
00:05:22,820 --> 00:05:24,190
I thought we'd learn more
143
00:05:24,190 --> 00:05:26,060
about history, like warriors
144
00:05:26,060 --> 00:05:29,200
and killing and pillaging,
145
00:05:29,200 --> 00:05:32,800
but I guess we got to get
through the boring stuff first.
146
00:05:32,800 --> 00:05:35,670
I used to audit
a lot of night school
147
00:05:35,670 --> 00:05:39,040
classes. Fiction writing,
mostly. I once
148
00:05:39,040 --> 00:05:40,810
did a poem that I titled
149
00:05:40,810 --> 00:05:43,680
An Ode to My Father's
Masculinity.
150
00:05:43,680 --> 00:05:45,450
Easy drain.
151
00:05:45,450 --> 00:05:48,290
How many people did you
have sex with this weekend?
152
00:05:50,580 --> 00:05:52,620
- Seven.
- One.
153
00:05:52,620 --> 00:05:55,490
No!
Water cooler does not talk.
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00:05:55,490 --> 00:05:56,690
Write that down.
155
00:05:56,690 --> 00:05:58,530
Oh, so stupid. I give up.
156
00:05:58,530 --> 00:06:00,170
I'm starting to think that
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00:06:00,160 --> 00:06:04,030
maybe I'm not very good at this.
158
00:06:05,430 --> 00:06:08,470
No, I... I can't.
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00:06:08,470 --> 00:06:10,210
I can't do this.
I can't
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00:06:10,200 --> 00:06:12,270
hurt an innocent creature... Ew.
161
00:06:12,270 --> 00:06:14,170
- Get off, get off, get off.
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00:06:14,980 --> 00:06:16,750
I could just probably
call an exterminator
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00:06:16,740 --> 00:06:18,440
or animal control because, technically,
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00:06:18,450 --> 00:06:20,490
you are vermin, so...
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00:06:20,480 --> 00:06:23,480
Wow, you do look like me.
166
00:06:23,480 --> 00:06:25,480
Is teaching
167
00:06:25,490 --> 00:06:26,820
actually going to help me
168
00:06:26,820 --> 00:06:29,590
lift this fucking hex?
169
00:06:29,590 --> 00:06:32,460
- You are struggling.
170
00:06:32,460 --> 00:06:35,330
Oh, fantastic.
Another disgruntled student.
171
00:06:35,330 --> 00:06:37,400
You have a troubled
energy about you.
172
00:06:37,400 --> 00:06:39,570
A dark presence looms.
173
00:06:39,570 --> 00:06:42,340
Do you know about the hex?
174
00:06:42,340 --> 00:06:44,180
Ever since you have come here,
you have brought with you
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00:06:44,170 --> 00:06:47,340
a very dark, spectral
176
00:06:47,340 --> 00:06:48,580
specter.
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00:06:48,580 --> 00:06:50,720
It's like a hex, if you will.
178
00:06:50,710 --> 00:06:53,580
And what is your name,
179
00:06:53,580 --> 00:06:55,480
crispy, old, wizened crone?
180
00:06:55,480 --> 00:06:57,250
Oh, my name's Helen.
181
00:06:58,090 --> 00:07:01,330
Hel-- Oh, just Helen.
That's it. Just Helen?
182
00:07:01,320 --> 00:07:03,760
- Helen the Magic Woman.
- And you can help me
183
00:07:03,760 --> 00:07:07,030
rid myself
of this disgusting hex?
184
00:07:07,030 --> 00:07:09,170
- Yes.
185
00:07:09,160 --> 00:07:11,730
I am so sorry, class,
but something has come up.
186
00:07:11,730 --> 00:07:14,300
Colin, Nandor, one of you
is the teacher now! Go!
187
00:07:14,300 --> 00:07:16,700
- I can't say I am surprised
- I am the teacher
188
00:07:16,700 --> 00:07:18,700
- by this turn of events.
- and you will listen to me now.
189
00:07:18,710 --> 00:07:20,610
- I have been known to,
- I am an expert in--
190
00:07:20,610 --> 00:07:22,140
- um...
191
00:07:22,140 --> 00:07:23,280
Okay.
192
00:07:23,280 --> 00:07:25,080
I think I have gotten this.
193
00:07:25,080 --> 00:07:27,450
A gray egg from a red turkey,
194
00:07:27,450 --> 00:07:29,320
a petal of wolfsbane...
195
00:07:29,320 --> 00:07:31,420
Magic can be a very
196
00:07:31,420 --> 00:07:33,720
strange and confusing thing,
197
00:07:33,720 --> 00:07:36,190
which is why
I do not fuck with it.
198
00:07:36,190 --> 00:07:37,560
...a snake's nose...
199
00:07:37,560 --> 00:07:40,030
But if this sorceress
200
00:07:40,030 --> 00:07:44,270
can fix me, then hell yes,
I'm all in.
201
00:07:44,270 --> 00:07:47,310
Is there anything else you
require for this magic potion?
202
00:07:47,300 --> 00:07:49,070
I will need an eye of newt,
203
00:07:49,070 --> 00:07:50,740
a black cat's whisker
204
00:07:50,740 --> 00:07:55,410
and a chocolate glazed from
the Dunkin' on Forest Avenue.
205
00:07:55,410 --> 00:07:56,680
What is this, uh,
206
00:07:56,680 --> 00:07:58,550
an enchanted forest
or something?
207
00:07:58,550 --> 00:08:00,190
It is a pastry shop.
208
00:08:00,180 --> 00:08:02,150
- Oh.
- They sell what in these
modern times
209
00:08:02,150 --> 00:08:04,750
are called doughnuts.
210
00:08:04,750 --> 00:08:06,350
A doughnut?
211
00:08:06,350 --> 00:08:08,550
- Why would you need a doughnut?
- Normally,
212
00:08:08,560 --> 00:08:11,260
I would require you to
retrieve the sweetest flower
213
00:08:11,260 --> 00:08:14,600
- from the peak of Mount Juktas.
- Oh.
214
00:08:14,600 --> 00:08:16,740
But honestly, it tastes
a lot like a doughnut, so...
215
00:08:16,730 --> 00:08:19,270
I'll get on with this.
Goodbye, hex.
216
00:08:19,270 --> 00:08:21,070
- Come on, get inside.
Let's go. Okay.
217
00:08:21,070 --> 00:08:22,410
No, I don't know
what the next step is,
218
00:08:22,400 --> 00:08:23,400
but it's definitely not
killing them.
219
00:08:23,400 --> 00:08:25,200
Maybe to the zoo?
220
00:08:25,210 --> 00:08:27,610
Uh... the park? I could
drop you guys at the park, huh?
221
00:08:27,610 --> 00:08:30,680
A good run in the park
would do me a world of good.
222
00:08:32,480 --> 00:08:33,620
You can talk.
223
00:08:33,610 --> 00:08:35,550
Many of us can.
I apologize
224
00:08:35,550 --> 00:08:37,050
for not telling you
sooner, I just
225
00:08:37,050 --> 00:08:38,150
didn't want to...
226
00:08:38,150 --> 00:08:39,680
- shock you.
227
00:08:43,620 --> 00:08:46,320
A question
228
00:08:46,330 --> 00:08:49,570
knowledge...
229
00:08:49,560 --> 00:08:51,360
one can possess?
230
00:08:51,370 --> 00:08:53,170
History.
231
00:08:53,170 --> 00:08:55,210
And where did
human history begin?
232
00:08:55,200 --> 00:08:59,040
The great empire
of Al Qolnidar rose to power
233
00:08:59,040 --> 00:09:02,710
in what the Western world
calls 1262.
234
00:09:02,710 --> 00:09:04,650
But we're gonna
forget about that
235
00:09:04,650 --> 00:09:08,320
and just call it the year O.
236
00:09:08,320 --> 00:09:12,490
Whatever, man.
History is subjective.
237
00:09:12,490 --> 00:09:14,390
I mean, teach what you want,
238
00:09:14,390 --> 00:09:16,330
but just know that history
239
00:09:16,320 --> 00:09:18,520
is written by the oppressors.
240
00:09:18,530 --> 00:09:21,430
One of the biggest and most
241
00:09:21,430 --> 00:09:24,370
commonly-used
energy drains imaginable
242
00:09:24,370 --> 00:09:25,740
is being
243
00:09:25,730 --> 00:09:27,570
the cool teacher.
244
00:09:27,570 --> 00:09:30,240
I used to have
a bumper sticker that said,
245
00:09:30,240 --> 00:09:32,640
"I rather be reading Bukowski."
246
00:09:32,640 --> 00:09:34,110
It was pretty rad.
247
00:09:34,110 --> 00:09:36,210
Uh, I have a little gift
for you guys.
248
00:09:36,210 --> 00:09:37,710
Some condoms.
249
00:09:37,710 --> 00:09:40,210
I want you guys
to be healthy out there.
250
00:09:40,210 --> 00:09:43,080
You don't have to be in love
to wear the glove.
251
00:09:43,080 --> 00:09:44,580
- Right, Lorraine?
- Colin Robinson
252
00:09:44,590 --> 00:09:46,590
has tricked my pupils
into thinking
253
00:09:46,590 --> 00:09:48,790
- that they are learning.
254
00:09:48,790 --> 00:09:50,660
Meanwhile, I have not
heard the word "history"
255
00:09:50,660 --> 00:09:52,730
or Al Qolnidar mentioned once.
256
00:09:52,730 --> 00:09:54,330
Let me tell you about Hamlet.
257
00:09:54,330 --> 00:09:56,370
A prince of a castle.
258
00:09:56,360 --> 00:09:58,300
You wince,
but his hassle
259
00:09:58,300 --> 00:10:00,670
was the death of...
his daddy.
260
00:10:00,670 --> 00:10:02,070
A baddy? No.
261
00:10:02,070 --> 00:10:03,340
But sad he was
262
00:10:03,340 --> 00:10:04,740
- when the lad said, "Egad,"
263
00:10:04,740 --> 00:10:07,640
a prince driven mad,
ya boy got had.
264
00:10:07,640 --> 00:10:10,540
What is even worse
is that he keeps sitting up
265
00:10:10,540 --> 00:10:12,340
on the desk
with his legs crossed
266
00:10:12,350 --> 00:10:13,750
so that everyone can see his nut
267
00:10:13,750 --> 00:10:15,390
hanging out his short.
268
00:10:16,780 --> 00:10:18,480
You can talk?
269
00:10:18,490 --> 00:10:20,530
- You're, like, real people?
270
00:10:20,520 --> 00:10:22,160
Why didn't you tell me
you could talk?
271
00:10:22,160 --> 00:10:23,830
I guess we can be shy sometimes.
272
00:10:23,820 --> 00:10:25,790
What, you open up to people
right off the bat?
273
00:10:25,790 --> 00:10:28,260
Well, no, not usually, I guess
I take a second,
274
00:10:28,260 --> 00:10:29,660
yeah, but--
275
00:10:29,660 --> 00:10:32,500
- I made an oopsie, Daddy.
- No, no one's Daddy.
276
00:10:32,500 --> 00:10:34,470
But Daddy Gemerno,
277
00:10:34,470 --> 00:10:36,640
- the oopsie is getting bad.
Oh, shit.
278
00:10:36,640 --> 00:10:37,810
Ugh, what'd you eat?
279
00:10:37,810 --> 00:10:39,080
Uh, listen, Daddy, I kind of
280
00:10:39,070 --> 00:10:40,670
made the froggie pregnant.
281
00:10:40,670 --> 00:10:43,040
- What?
- I want raw meat.
- Da-da,
282
00:10:43,040 --> 00:10:44,680
- my oopsie's really bad.
Da-da.
- What's the plan, Daddy?
283
00:10:44,680 --> 00:10:47,080
- Come on!
- I want to go outside.
- Shh, shh, shh, shh!
284
00:10:47,080 --> 00:10:49,220
Stop talking.
I got to think, I got to think.
285
00:10:49,220 --> 00:10:52,460
Laszlo wants me to, you know,
get rid of you.
286
00:10:52,450 --> 00:10:54,690
What means "get rid of"?
287
00:10:54,690 --> 00:10:57,030
- Um...
- Our elders spoke of a prophecy
288
00:10:57,020 --> 00:10:59,320
of the one true Guillermo
who saves us.
289
00:10:59,330 --> 00:11:01,600
What are you talking about?
Elders? Who-who are your elders?
290
00:11:01,600 --> 00:11:03,540
He was born
15 minutes before me.
291
00:11:03,530 --> 00:11:05,100
Hello, young one.
292
00:11:05,100 --> 00:11:07,370
Rest easy, all.
Guillermo will save us.
293
00:11:07,370 --> 00:11:09,170
- Daddy, Daddy.
- Ain't that right, Daddy?
- I don't want to die.
294
00:11:09,170 --> 00:11:11,340
Shh! Stop, stop, stop,
stop talking.
295
00:11:11,340 --> 00:11:12,510
Fine. I'll save you.
296
00:11:12,510 --> 00:11:14,150
- Yeah!
- Thank you, Daddy.
297
00:11:14,140 --> 00:11:15,680
- But you can't
tell Laszlo, okay?
- Agreed.
298
00:11:15,680 --> 00:11:17,320
Is this all of you guys?
299
00:11:17,310 --> 00:11:18,680
- Where's-where's Binky?
- Who?
300
00:11:18,680 --> 00:11:20,250
Binky's the most
fragile among us.
301
00:11:20,250 --> 00:11:21,450
He lives in the koi pond.
302
00:11:21,450 --> 00:11:22,790
Find him, Guillermo.
303
00:11:22,780 --> 00:11:24,420
Okay, fine, I'll find him.
I'll find Binky.
304
00:11:24,420 --> 00:11:26,060
And you're all gonna stay put
305
00:11:26,050 --> 00:11:27,620
a-and not make a noise.
306
00:11:27,620 --> 00:11:29,190
All right?
307
00:11:29,190 --> 00:11:31,360
Do not think your bravery
will go unnoticed.
308
00:11:31,360 --> 00:11:32,800
- See her? This fetching bitch
309
00:11:32,790 --> 00:11:35,590
is my beautiful daughter.
You may lay with her.
310
00:11:35,600 --> 00:11:37,800
- No, I'm good.
I'm gonna take this gun.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
311
00:11:37,800 --> 00:11:40,170
- We love you, Daddy.
- I'll be back.
- Daddy!
312
00:11:42,300 --> 00:11:44,370
Helen, I'm home!
313
00:11:44,370 --> 00:11:46,110
So, I think I got everything.
314
00:11:46,110 --> 00:11:47,380
One monkey paw.
315
00:11:47,370 --> 00:11:50,340
- Great...
- Tears on a woman's love letter.
316
00:11:50,340 --> 00:11:54,180
Oh. Okay, so we're going
straight for the doughnut.
317
00:11:54,180 --> 00:11:56,150
Oh, I'm so sorry, they only had
318
00:11:56,150 --> 00:11:58,620
vanilla glazed
with rainbow sprinkles.
319
00:11:58,620 --> 00:12:01,060
What am I supposed
to do with this?
320
00:12:01,060 --> 00:12:02,700
Could you not use that for your
321
00:12:02,690 --> 00:12:03,720
magic potion?
322
00:12:03,720 --> 00:12:05,290
Has to be chocolate or...
323
00:12:05,290 --> 00:12:07,590
You think I can
put this in my big bowl?
324
00:12:07,600 --> 00:12:09,100
Do you mean a cauldron?
325
00:12:09,100 --> 00:12:11,170
Yes. That is the word.
326
00:12:11,170 --> 00:12:12,470
You're gonna
have to go back out.
327
00:12:12,470 --> 00:12:14,040
Of course, yes.
328
00:12:14,030 --> 00:12:17,330
And why don't you also grab me
329
00:12:17,340 --> 00:12:19,640
three Boston creams,
330
00:12:19,640 --> 00:12:22,340
three chocolate glazed,
four jelly
331
00:12:22,340 --> 00:12:25,510
and five glazed crullers.
332
00:12:25,510 --> 00:12:27,250
- What else?
- Do you think you might want
333
00:12:27,250 --> 00:12:29,350
more of witchy, spooky stuff?
334
00:12:29,350 --> 00:12:31,550
Uh, maybe, after we
get the Dunkin' sorted.
335
00:12:31,550 --> 00:12:33,620
I don't know much about hexes
336
00:12:33,620 --> 00:12:35,560
or how to get rid of them, obviously.
337
00:12:35,560 --> 00:12:39,060
Maybe the doughnut is something
to do with the circle of life?
338
00:12:39,060 --> 00:12:42,130
Also, Helen said
she had this magic wand
339
00:12:42,130 --> 00:12:43,600
for thousands of years.
340
00:12:43,600 --> 00:12:46,070
But I'm pretty sure
I saw her go outside
341
00:12:46,070 --> 00:12:47,810
and pick up a stick
from the ground.
342
00:12:47,800 --> 00:12:50,040
- It was, like, a "crullan."
- Cruller.
343
00:12:50,040 --> 00:12:52,440
- "Crewlour."
- Cr-uller.
344
00:12:52,440 --> 00:12:54,780
"Crew-row-row... row-row-ler."
345
00:12:54,780 --> 00:12:55,810
Close enough.
348
00:12:59,510 --> 00:13:02,380
What the fuck... Gizmo?
What are you
349
00:13:02,380 --> 00:13:04,180
doing in there--
are you wanking?
350
00:13:04,180 --> 00:13:06,820
- No! What?
- Well, I wouldn't
judge you if you were.
351
00:13:06,820 --> 00:13:09,390
I wank in there all the time.
30 minutes ago, to be precise.
352
00:13:09,390 --> 00:13:11,490
No. Actually, I'm trying to
catch one of your abominations.
353
00:13:11,490 --> 00:13:13,090
Listen, I understand
this kind of thing
354
00:13:13,090 --> 00:13:14,430
is not for the faint of heart.
355
00:13:14,430 --> 00:13:15,630
So if you don't
have the balls for it,
356
00:13:15,630 --> 00:13:17,330
- I don't mind stepping in.
- No.
357
00:13:18,130 --> 00:13:20,470
- I-I have the balls for it.
- Good.
358
00:13:20,470 --> 00:13:22,340
- Get out of my shed.
- Oh, you're gonna go and...
359
00:13:22,340 --> 00:13:23,470
- And wank.
- Yeah.
360
00:13:23,470 --> 00:13:24,770
- Yes!
- Okay.
361
00:13:24,770 --> 00:13:26,740
- And shut the door.
- Shut the door.
362
00:13:27,710 --> 00:13:29,380
Okay.
363
00:13:29,380 --> 00:13:31,550
Binky.
364
00:13:31,550 --> 00:13:34,320
Hey, buddy.
Come on.
365
00:13:34,320 --> 00:13:35,420
Come on.
366
00:13:35,420 --> 00:13:37,390
Whoa, Nelly!
368
00:13:39,750 --> 00:13:42,690
Daddy, what is "wank"?
369
00:13:46,660 --> 00:13:49,430
out of tun
370
00:13:49,430 --> 00:13:51,260
I almost have it.
371
00:13:52,300 --> 00:13:53,800
Oh, I'm in the wrong spot.
372
00:13:53,800 --> 00:13:55,240
- Hold on.
373
00:13:55,240 --> 00:13:57,080
- There.
374
00:13:57,070 --> 00:14:00,210
So, what did we just learn
about sound waves?
375
00:14:00,210 --> 00:14:01,480
Yeah. Lenore.
376
00:14:01,480 --> 00:14:02,750
When will learn about, uh,
377
00:14:02,740 --> 00:14:04,610
starting mortgage?
378
00:14:04,610 --> 00:14:07,150
Right after I play
379
00:14:07,150 --> 00:14:08,820
"Nightswimming" by R.E.M.
380
00:14:08,820 --> 00:14:10,460
- Uh, let's see--
- Colin Robinson,
381
00:14:10,450 --> 00:14:12,520
what are we doing outside?
382
00:14:12,520 --> 00:14:14,660
Having class on the quad, man.
383
00:14:14,660 --> 00:14:16,530
Kind of a college tradition.
384
00:14:16,520 --> 00:14:18,220
I catch your drift, though.
385
00:14:18,230 --> 00:14:21,370
How about we get
the old blood pumpin'
386
00:14:21,360 --> 00:14:25,260
- with some hacky sack?
387
00:14:25,270 --> 00:14:26,700
- That's not cool.
- We are going
388
00:14:26,700 --> 00:14:28,200
- to the history museum.
389
00:14:28,200 --> 00:14:30,170
- Who's with me?
- Museum? Is inside?
390
00:14:30,170 --> 00:14:33,240
Yes. Very much so.
Follow me!
391
00:14:33,240 --> 00:14:35,280
- Oh.
- Who here has seen Garden State?
392
00:14:35,280 --> 00:14:37,720
There's a song in it
that I'd love for you guys
393
00:14:37,710 --> 00:14:39,750
to listen to by The Shins.
394
00:14:42,280 --> 00:14:43,780
This is from the Dunkin'
395
00:14:43,780 --> 00:14:46,220
on Forest and Broadway.
I said it must be
396
00:14:46,220 --> 00:14:49,560
- Forest and South.
- What? How can you even tell?
397
00:14:49,560 --> 00:14:52,200
Hello! I'm a magic woman.
I can tell everything.
398
00:14:52,190 --> 00:14:53,790
- I will need a dozen more
399
00:14:53,790 --> 00:14:55,530
from the Forest and South location.
400
00:14:55,530 --> 00:14:56,800
Are you kidding me?
401
00:14:56,800 --> 00:14:59,100
How many donuts
do you need, lady?
402
00:14:59,100 --> 00:15:00,670
- Oh!
403
00:15:00,670 --> 00:15:02,470
Oh, Magic Woman,
what is happening?
404
00:15:02,470 --> 00:15:05,170
Oh, the hex.
It grows more powerful
405
00:15:05,170 --> 00:15:06,770
with each passing moment.
406
00:15:06,770 --> 00:15:09,210
- Oh, no.
- Oh, you must fetch me
one last thing.
407
00:15:09,210 --> 00:15:11,010
Yes, yes, anything.
408
00:15:12,750 --> 00:15:15,220
A dozen powdered Munchkins.
409
00:15:15,220 --> 00:15:18,620
Powder represents
the ashes of your ancestors.
410
00:15:18,620 --> 00:15:22,160
I will get you
a dozen powdered Munchkins.
411
00:15:22,160 --> 00:15:23,830
Stay with me, Helen!
412
00:15:23,820 --> 00:15:26,090
- Oh.
413
00:15:26,090 --> 00:15:28,460
- Piss!
414
00:15:28,460 --> 00:15:31,100
What are you doing?! Come on!
415
00:15:31,100 --> 00:15:33,600
And you will not
call the police about us
416
00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:36,370
being here while
the museum is closed.
418
00:15:38,140 --> 00:15:42,310
The entire history
of Staten Island!
419
00:15:42,310 --> 00:15:44,080
- Look at this.
- This is a recreation
420
00:15:44,080 --> 00:15:47,720
of the 19th century
immigrant experience,
421
00:15:47,720 --> 00:15:49,720
based on old travel chests
422
00:15:49,720 --> 00:15:52,290
that were never claimed
from the customs house.
423
00:15:52,290 --> 00:15:54,560
This fellow
is wearing traditional
424
00:15:54,560 --> 00:15:57,130
Al-Qolnidarian gown.
425
00:15:57,120 --> 00:15:59,660
This is exactly
the kind of outfit I wore
426
00:15:59,660 --> 00:16:02,030
on my journey to America.
427
00:16:02,030 --> 00:16:04,230
And I do so love
428
00:16:04,230 --> 00:16:08,030
that this is from
the immigrant's perspective.
429
00:16:08,040 --> 00:16:11,740
So accurate,
down to the underwear.
430
00:16:11,740 --> 00:16:14,710
Those look very much
like a pair I used to own.
431
00:16:14,710 --> 00:16:16,550
Wait a minute.
432
00:16:16,540 --> 00:16:18,610
Those are a pair I used to own!
433
00:16:18,610 --> 00:16:22,080
How did these fuckers
get my stuff?!
434
00:16:22,880 --> 00:16:25,180
Donut wench, I need
a dozen powdered Munchkins,
435
00:16:25,190 --> 00:16:26,590
and make it quick.
436
00:16:26,590 --> 00:16:29,330
- A hex is killing my friend.
- Okey dokey.
437
00:16:29,320 --> 00:16:31,390
$5.07 for the Munchkins,
438
00:16:31,390 --> 00:16:33,490
and I'll ignore the other stuff.
439
00:16:33,490 --> 00:16:36,260
Wait--
Wait, hang on, that is her.
440
00:16:36,260 --> 00:16:38,560
That is my friend.
How do you know Helen?
441
00:16:38,570 --> 00:16:40,470
Um, I guess
I know her from, like,
442
00:16:40,470 --> 00:16:42,770
harassing me and my co-workers.
443
00:16:42,770 --> 00:16:44,440
That's mainly how.
444
00:16:44,440 --> 00:16:46,610
Hang on. Helen Johnson?
445
00:16:46,610 --> 00:16:49,610
I thought her name
was Helen the Magic Woman.
447
00:16:52,180 --> 00:16:54,750
Something here stinks
of a snake's shit.
448
00:16:54,750 --> 00:16:56,620
I have your Munchkins.
449
00:16:57,620 --> 00:16:59,360
We need to have a little chat.
450
00:16:59,350 --> 00:17:03,190
What is this?
Why does it say Helen Johnson
451
00:17:03,190 --> 00:17:04,690
when your name
is Helen the Magic Woman?
452
00:17:04,690 --> 00:17:08,530
I, um, never
told you my full name,
453
00:17:08,530 --> 00:17:12,400
which is
Helen "the Magic" Johnson.
454
00:17:12,400 --> 00:17:13,770
The hex
is playing tricks on you.
455
00:17:13,770 --> 00:17:15,340
This is textbook hex.
456
00:17:15,340 --> 00:17:17,080
The solution is a strawb--
457
00:17:17,070 --> 00:17:19,110
No! Ugh!
458
00:17:19,110 --> 00:17:20,280
Wait!
459
00:17:22,280 --> 00:17:24,750
You have no idea what it's like
460
00:17:24,750 --> 00:17:27,750
to not be allowed back
to the one place
461
00:17:27,750 --> 00:17:29,820
you feel at home.
463
00:17:31,150 --> 00:17:32,350
I do know what it is like
464
00:17:32,350 --> 00:17:34,220
to be driven from the only place
465
00:17:34,220 --> 00:17:35,720
you have ever called home,
466
00:17:35,720 --> 00:17:38,290
just as I was
driven out of my village.
467
00:17:38,290 --> 00:17:39,520
It ain't great.
468
00:17:39,530 --> 00:17:41,530
My hex may not have been lifted,
469
00:17:41,530 --> 00:17:44,100
but with a little hypnosis,
470
00:17:44,100 --> 00:17:46,400
at least Helen's has been.
471
00:17:46,400 --> 00:17:51,370
Welcome home, sweet freak,
Helen "the Magic" Johnson.
472
00:17:51,370 --> 00:17:54,510
You "doughnut"
need to be sad anymore.
473
00:17:55,280 --> 00:17:58,620
"This immigrant probably
came from a small village
474
00:17:58,610 --> 00:18:01,150
"in the Near Middle East, one
475
00:18:01,150 --> 00:18:03,490
"with a particularly
weak army, based
476
00:18:03,480 --> 00:18:05,220
on their inferior weaponry."
477
00:18:05,220 --> 00:18:08,190
What?
Those are my travel weapons.
478
00:18:08,190 --> 00:18:11,730
"Also inside was
a well-worn good-luck amulet.
479
00:18:11,730 --> 00:18:15,670
"The Atlantic Crossing was
terrifying to most uneducated
480
00:18:15,660 --> 00:18:18,530
"travelers of the day,
and they sought comfort
481
00:18:18,530 --> 00:18:20,100
in superstitions--"
482
00:18:20,100 --> 00:18:22,200
I was not terrified of shit.
483
00:18:22,200 --> 00:18:24,600
And I don't even know
what an amulet is.
484
00:18:24,610 --> 00:18:27,080
That is a key chain
given to me by my mommy.
485
00:18:27,070 --> 00:18:29,610
It also says that the immigrant
486
00:18:29,610 --> 00:18:32,410
was a talented writer.
487
00:18:32,410 --> 00:18:35,750
- It does?
- "Stories about sexual escapades
488
00:18:35,750 --> 00:18:37,490
while flying in the sky."
489
00:18:37,480 --> 00:18:40,220
That's right-- sky fucking.
490
00:18:40,220 --> 00:18:41,560
Glad to see they've acknowledged
491
00:18:41,560 --> 00:18:43,430
some of the cool shit
that I've done.
492
00:18:43,420 --> 00:18:46,420
"It's a rare example
of early erotic fiction."
493
00:18:46,430 --> 00:18:48,500
Fiction?
This is not fiction.
494
00:18:48,500 --> 00:18:51,700
- This is my diary!
- "It is likely
that, unable
495
00:18:51,700 --> 00:18:54,100
"to find a sexual partner,
496
00:18:54,100 --> 00:18:57,200
"the immigrant
bided his time imagining one.
497
00:18:57,200 --> 00:18:59,700
"The crude
and improbable descriptions
498
00:18:59,710 --> 00:19:01,250
"of his intercourse
499
00:19:01,240 --> 00:19:02,810
- "furthermore suggests
500
00:19:02,810 --> 00:19:04,580
- "this individual
- Don't say it!
501
00:19:04,580 --> 00:19:06,080
never had sex."
503
00:19:11,120 --> 00:19:14,220
Violence is the last
refuge of the incompetent.
505
00:19:19,660 --> 00:19:21,730
I know it's tough,
Gizmo, but it must be done.
506
00:19:21,730 --> 00:19:24,230
Steady thy hand
and become death.
507
00:19:24,230 --> 00:19:25,670
But wait till I'm gone.
I don't want to be covered
508
00:19:25,670 --> 00:19:27,270
in brains and shit.
509
00:19:27,270 --> 00:19:28,600
- Au revoir.
510
00:19:28,600 --> 00:19:30,100
Bye.
511
00:19:30,100 --> 00:19:32,070
- Shh.
512
00:19:32,070 --> 00:19:34,670
- There we go.
513
00:19:37,240 --> 00:19:39,040
Thank you so much, Guillermo.
514
00:19:39,050 --> 00:19:41,050
- Hey, no one's dying on my wa--
515
00:19:42,120 --> 00:19:43,490
Oh!
516
00:19:43,480 --> 00:19:45,280
- No. No, drop it. Drop it!
517
00:19:45,290 --> 00:19:47,560
Sorry about that.
518
00:19:49,520 --> 00:19:50,690
Hello.
519
00:19:50,690 --> 00:19:53,590
I thought you might want this
520
00:19:53,590 --> 00:19:55,490
key ring that
your mommy gave you.
521
00:19:55,500 --> 00:19:57,140
I stole it from the museum.
522
00:19:57,130 --> 00:19:59,130
Is this how history
is going to remember me,
523
00:19:59,130 --> 00:20:00,530
Colin Robinson,
524
00:20:00,530 --> 00:20:03,030
if it is going
to remember me at all?
525
00:20:03,040 --> 00:20:06,380
Well, I also took the liberty
526
00:20:06,370 --> 00:20:09,410
of rearranging
the museum display.
527
00:20:09,410 --> 00:20:11,280
"This immigrant
was a very feared
528
00:20:11,280 --> 00:20:13,620
"and very cool ancient warrior
529
00:20:13,610 --> 00:20:17,210
"who set the world's record
for having the most constant
530
00:20:17,220 --> 00:20:19,390
- sexual intercourse"?
- Sexual intercourse.
531
00:20:19,390 --> 00:20:23,290
"Often while flying, and he was
never scared of boat rides."
532
00:20:23,290 --> 00:20:24,760
You're shitting me.
533
00:20:24,760 --> 00:20:28,330
Whatever, you know?
Uh, history is a construct.
534
00:20:28,330 --> 00:20:30,030
Thank you, Colin Robinson.
535
00:20:30,030 --> 00:20:31,370
You are not just a cool teacher.
536
00:20:31,370 --> 00:20:33,740
You are also a cool friend.
537
00:20:33,730 --> 00:20:35,570
Awkward moment.
538
00:20:36,840 --> 00:20:39,210
- Okay.
539
00:20:39,210 --> 00:20:41,780
Just remember:
never be seen by the staff.
540
00:20:41,780 --> 00:20:44,280
You're only safe
with the old people.
541
00:20:44,280 --> 00:20:46,680
- Okay.
- I understand.
- Yes, we understand.
542
00:20:46,680 --> 00:20:49,050
So I just dropped them off
at a retirement home
543
00:20:49,050 --> 00:20:50,450
that my t?a works at.
544
00:20:50,450 --> 00:20:52,090
She's always saying
the residents
545
00:20:52,090 --> 00:20:53,460
are really lonely
and love company.
546
00:20:53,450 --> 00:20:57,020
- Who has B-1? B-1?
- Yeah. B-1.
547
00:20:57,020 --> 00:20:58,760
And it was super easy
to get the paperwork
548
00:20:58,760 --> 00:21:00,300
for an emotional support animal.
550
00:21:03,060 --> 00:21:04,500
They'll be happy here,
551
00:21:04,500 --> 00:21:06,170
I think.
552
00:21:06,170 --> 00:21:09,240
I hope.
553
00:21:09,240 --> 00:21:11,710
? Born free ?
554
00:21:11,710 --> 00:21:15,550
? As free as the wind blows ?
555
00:21:15,540 --> 00:21:18,740
? As free
as the grass grows... ?
556
00:21:18,750 --> 00:21:22,620
I decided to keep Binky
because he's happy here.
557
00:21:22,620 --> 00:21:25,320
Gizmo, what are you
doing out there?
558
00:21:25,320 --> 00:21:27,320
Having a wank?
559
00:21:27,320 --> 00:21:31,060
Ah, good man. Carry on.
560
00:21:31,060 --> 00:21:33,530
- Hey, buddy.
561
00:21:33,530 --> 00:21:36,270
? Live free ?
562
00:21:36,260 --> 00:21:40,200
? And beauty surrounds you ?
563
00:21:40,200 --> 00:21:43,240
? The world still astounds you ?
564
00:21:43,240 --> 00:21:45,410
? Each time you look at ?
565
00:21:45,410 --> 00:21:49,580
? A star ?
566
00:21:49,580 --> 00:21:52,550
? Stay free ?
567
00:21:52,550 --> 00:21:56,490
? Where no walls divide you ?
568
00:21:56,480 --> 00:21:59,380
? You're free
as the roaring tides ?
569
00:21:59,390 --> 00:22:01,390
? So there's no need ?
570
00:22:01,390 --> 00:22:06,030
? To hide ?
571
00:22:06,030 --> 00:22:10,100
? Born free ?
572
00:22:10,100 --> 00:22:13,500
? Born free... ?
573
00:22:13,500 --> 00:22:17,540
? Born free ?
574
00:22:17,540 --> 00:22:19,540
? Born. ?
575
00:22:19,540 --> 00:22:23,070
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org
39668
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