All language subtitles for Maron - 02x03 - Therapy.ABH.English.C.edit.Addic7ed.com

- corrected by lml -
- www.addic7ed.com -

Hey, birthday girl.
Having fun?

Yes. That's the third time
you asked me.

I-it's a great party.

I'm just not any happier
about turning 30.

You know,
don't worry about it.

When you hit my age, you're not
even gonna remember your 30s.

Wow. Okay. Here.
- What? That was a joke.

It was a joke.

Wow. Teach me, master.
- Oh, great. You guys.

30 years old.
Tick, tock, tick, tock.

You know what I'm saying?
- Come on, man. Whose side are you on?

Yeah, man,
give him a break.

If NPR wanted kids, he'd have
had them a long time ago.

I --
- What are you, like 70?

All right, okay, look,
the timing was just never right.

You know, give me a break.
- I think you'd be great with kids

'cause you're like a dad and a grandpa
all rolled into one. - Thank you.

A drandpa!
- Wow, that's clever.

You -- you proud of yourself?
- It is.

You better have some more
of this laying around

because, hey, come on. - Yeah, maybe
you better slow down, Belushi.

Tick, tock, tick, tock. Huh?
Want to hit a meeting?

Bluto, nice to see you.

That was completely uncalled
for, but also 100% true.

I think your, uh --

your friend with the bangs
threw up on the succulents.

That must mean it was
a pretty good party, right?

Yeah, it was good.

Well, it doesn't have to end,

'cause I got one more present.

Oh.

Hawaii.

Wow, that's...

Wow.

Really, that's it?

Kevin gave you
a new pair of headphones,

and you jumped up
and did a twerk thing.

I will give you
more than a twerk, mister.

Oh, yeah?

Ooh.

Look at that. Wow.

What's happening?
- Mmm.

Ohh.

How about tonight,
you cum inside of me?

Ooh.

Um...

I don't know.

Uh... N-no?

Oh, come on. Really?

Really?

♪ Won't fall for it ♪

♪ you can't see ♪

♪ and you can't tell ♪

♪ I just can't drink
from the poisoned well ♪

I-I-I just don't know
what to do anymore.

I mean, I give her "a,"
she gets pissed off

I don't give her
"b," "c," and "d,"

and I just don't know
where it stops.

I mean,
do the demands ever stop?

You're a family man.
Do they?

Yeah, sometime
after the fourth kid.

Oh, man.
Look, I-I'm not stupid.

I know what
the end game is.

I'm just not ready
to go there yet,

and she thinks
I'm stalling.

Are you?
- No, I'm -- I'm waiting.

For what?
- For her to grow up.

Okay, I think we should put
the focus on you, Marc.

I don't know what that means.
What does that mean exactly?

I don't know.

It's just something our marriage
counselor says all the time.

You have no idea.

I think it means you have
to be honest with yourself

because that's the only thing
you actually have control over.

All right, well, I g--
I guess I'm scared.

Right.
- You okay, buddy?

I hate to do this. I'm sorry.
I got to go to the john.

Really? We're about to wrap up.
Like two minutes?

I made a plate of huevos
rancheros for the kids this morning.

I ended up eating
the whole goddamn pan.

Shit, do I have to draw you
a picture? I'm sorry.

All right, all right, all right.
Let's go. Let's go.

Okay, man. All right.

Just -- just hang out here
for a second, buddy.

Let me give Jen
the heads-up, all right?

What? Just hang out.
Just hang out.

Ohh. Why don't you send out an
e-mail blast while you're at it?

Put up some fliers.
Ohh!

Jen.

Jesus. Don't you knock?

I did. Hey, look, Dave Koechner
has to use the bathroom.

Who?
- Dave Koechner.

He was in "Anchorman."

He was in...
The other "Anchorman."

He was on -- look, w-w-why are
you taking a-a bubble bath

in the middle of a Wednesday, anyways?

Ugh!

I'm just gonna grab
some napkins.

Ew!
What is he talking about?

You know what?
I don't even want to know.

Just hand me a towel.

This is why we need a second bathroom.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it. I get it.

We need a bigger house. I understand.
I'm just not good with deadlines.

Life has deadlines, Marc.

Wow, tough talk from someone
whose amex bill I pay.

Remember how I applied to all
those grad schools? - I do.

Well, I got in. - Congratulations.
I'm so proud of you.

In Seattle -- starts this fall.

Is that a threat?
That sounds like a threat.

Are you threatening me?

Well, that ship has sailed.

Seattle peaked when I
was like your age.

Dave.

Dave, the, uh, bathroom's open.

Well, too late.

You just got yourself
some free fertilizer.

Oh, you might want to keep
your eye on that ficus.

It's about to get giant.

So you shit in my yard?
Okay. That's okay.

Not bad, to be honest.

This might be a new thing for me.
- Yeah?

Total ass freedom.
- Good for you.

I got to be honest with you --
I think that one

you had in the chamber might
have cost me a new house.

Hey, you want to be honest about this?
- Uh-huh.

My wife and I have
this marriage shrink.

Uh-huh.
- Guy works wonders.

Yeah? - My wife -- she doesn't nag
me about my drinking anymore.

Uh-huh. - I did not even have
to give her a sixth kid.

Wow. Good.

Can you imagine number six?
- Some therapy, huh?

That was good. The guy's amazing.
- Yeah?

Dr. Warren -- I'll get you his info, all right?
- Okay. Yeah.

He'll have you lovebirds back on track in no time.
- Yeah.

I mean, if that's what -- you know.
- Did you wash up?

Hey, you didn't wash up,
did you?

Good idea.
Where's the garden hose?

We -- we can just go
to the bathroom in the house.

Dave.
- Better idea.

Yeah. - Yeah, sure.
Why not?

I can't believe
we're not even married,

and we're already
going to couples counseling.

Koechner swears by this guy.
Just trust me. All right?

Oh, right, the guy
who took a shit in our yard.

So glad we're taking his advice.

I just don't think she can
handle the responsibility of a child.

I mean, she can barely
be responsible for herself.

What? Just because I can drink
alcohol and smoke a little weed

with my friends without losing complete
control of my life, like him --

you're a total buzz kill.
- Wow, that's sweet.

Ouch. I get it.
You see what I'm dealing with?

Did you ever consider you have
a father, and it's not me?

Oh, God.
This again.

Wow, o-okay.

Um, you know,
when a simple question like,

"why are you in therapy?"
elicits that kind of a response,

I-I think there's a lot on the table.
- That doesn't sound good.

No, no, no. E-everything's fine.
E-everything's great. Um...

You know what I like to do
in a situation like this?

I like to sometimes bring in
a second therapist, you know,

just to help us work through
some of the issues.

Now, you're in luck

because my wife also happens
to work out of our home.

So with your permission,

I'd like to see if she's
available to work with us.

What is this?
Therapy or a dinner party?

I know.

Seems a little odd,
but at the same time,

we can work through
our couples work,

and then you guys can work
through your personal issues

with her separately --
sound good?

Yeah.

Great! I'll get her right now.

It's weird.

This was your idea.

I hope it doesn't
cost double.

We actually met our first year
in the same doctorate program.

Oh, we did. We did.

Of course, I finished first.

Oh.
Guilty.

I'm slow.

Well, I was just so young,
you know? I had so much energy.

It's true.
- You can probably relate to that.

Yeah.

Age difference is fine.

I find that, actually,
we're -- we're very --

it works well. It works well.
- Sure. Sure.

This is --
no, this is good.

Oh, I can see
why you called me in.

She's good.
- Ahh.

You know, Delphine
really gets it.

I mean, you've had
two train-wreck marriages,

so naturally,
you're terrified of commitment.

Uh-huh.

Marc.

You're doing exactly what they
told us not to do, remember?

Empathetic listening?

Right.

Yes, right, okay.
All right.

I hear and accept
your concerns,

but I think
that my concerns

about you pushing me
into marriage

and into starting
a family are valid

and need to be addressed,
as does your dishes

and whatever that pile
of clothing is in the hallway.

I hear and I accept
your concerns,

and I have been
proactive about it.

Ergo, I got
a robot vacuum cleaner.

Hey!

Hmm.
I don't know.

I think that's gonna scare
the shit out of the cats.

Wow.

All right, Marc, um,
before we start

our one-on-one session,
you have any questions?

Yes.
How does our team win?

Really? Nothing?

Look, don't get me
wrong, Marc.

I love humor, but do you really
see this as a competition?

I mean, 'cause it shouldn't be.

Oh, really? Well, maybe
you ought to tell her that.

Hold on.
Do you hear that?

Do you hear that?

I think it's coming through the
vent. I can hear Jen's laugh.

No, Marc, Marc, look, you shouldn't
just concentrate on that right now.

Just shut up for a second.

Marc, just look.
Marc, sit back. Stop listening.

Stop listening, okay?

Look, don't worry about them.

This is not a competition, okay?

Whatever you think, man,

but right now she's turning
your wife against me.

Okay, look, Delphine is a professional.
- Mm.

She's not turning anyone against anyone,
okay? - Mm-hmm.

So let's just stop
talking about them,

and let's concentrate
on this fella right here,

Mr. Marc Maron, okay?

Okay. Fine.
- Good.

So, uh,
where should we start?

How come, uh,
they got the better office?

Okay.

I come home late from the movie,
and he thinks I'm cheating.

And then
to prove I'm not lying,

I have to relate
the entire plot of "Looper,"

which is really difficult 'cause there's
parts of it that I didn't even understand.

Yeah, that's --
that does sound trying.

You know, s-she wants me to change,
but she's not willing to change.

He has
this insane temper.

I mean, you never know
when he's gonna blow up.

I mean, what's so wrong with
laughing at "The Big Bang Theory"?

You know, she works
with special-needs kids.

I mean, I-if that's the case, why
can't she deal with me better?

He has no problem ridiculing me
onstage just to get a laugh.

She's only interested in having
a baby, not being with me.

I'm -- I'm hearing
a lot of negatives.

Are there any positives?

Yeah, sure.

Uh, she can hold her own in an argument.
- Great.

Um, she says really funny shit
when she's pissed.

Angry.
- Yeah, yeah.

And the sex is...

Cathartic.

Oh, it's so intense.

Like, I feel like he's
gonna have a heart attack

inside of me.

You know those spiders
that kill and devour each other

right at climax?

Uh-huh. Mm-hmm.
- It's like that...

Only with crying.

Okay. Very good.

Wait.
What was the question?

Does not matter.

I am in the prime of my life.

I mean, why did I have
to fall in love

with a 50-year-old, twice-divorced
guy with anger issues?

I mean, what does that
say about me?

I know what it says.

It says I got to be out of my
mind to go through this again.

I mean,
what's wrong with me?

Um...

It's almost like my dick...

is a broken detector.

That's a good one.
- I know, right?

That was a good one.
- Well, it's true.

Look, Marc, the -- the thing we
all have to accept as couples

is that every couple
has growing pains.

Nobody's broken here.

Uh, it's just that you each have
your own issues, you know?

And -- and the --
the question is

how you deal
with those issues.

Now, Delphine and I --
you know, we excel

not because of these diplomas
on the wall,

but because we've had the exact
same issues that you have.

Does your chick have three bathroom
drawers full of nail polish?

No.

She does have four drawers full
of blow dryers, though.

Oh, I'm sorry, buddy.
- Huh? Come on. I know.

Is that a high-five, or was
that -- that's a high-five.

Yeah. - All right.
It's hard to tell midway through.

Did you notice
he was wearing socks

that matched her skirt
the other day?

I know. It's like,
"We get it. You're perfect."

You know, when I was walking
to the bathroom,

they had not one,
but two entire bookshelves

full of
tantric-sex books.

No.
- Yeah, they probably, like,

stare each other in the eyes
when they come.

Oh, God. I don't even want to
picture them doing that.

I-I bet you that she, like,
makes him clean the oven

and probably, like --

like, puts, like, a --
like, a strap-on on,

you know, and just stands
behind him going,

"You want this?
You want this?"

But he can't do anything

'cause it's like
a dirty-diaper-scenario thing.

So he's just like,
"I don't know if I want it.

I don't know."

You haven't thought
about this at all.

No, not at all.
I haven't thought about it.

Oh, God.
- All right.

So, this is amazing.
Dinner -- dinner's almost done,

and no fights.

Maybe therapy's,
uh, panning out.

You know...
- What?

...You're not so far away

from a dirty-diaper scenario
yourself, mister.

Does that mean you're gonna
put a strap-on on and --

That's weird.
- Is that what you want?

No, no, I don't even know
why I said that.

So, look, uh, we're sorry we're
gonna miss next week's session,

but we're gonna be
riding sea turtles in Kauai.

Oh!
- Yeah.

And also, uh,
I'm pretty happy to report

that I think we've been making
some progress since last week.

Huh. Well, before we get
too optimistic,

um, I think we should get
specific about the issues.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Like, um --

like, what's holding Marc back?
- Yeah.

One of the things
that's holding Marc back

is being spoken about
like he's not in the room.

Fair enough.
- Oops.

Fair enough.

No, no.
- Little hostile, okay.

Marc, you say that
you want to move forward,

but you still refer
to Jen as broken.

Let's talk about that.

I didn't say that.

I'm sorry. I was under
the impression that you --

you said your penis was, uh,

some sort of detection device
for broken women.

I'm broken?
You think that I'm broken?

No, no, I -- no.

I don't -- I don't think
you're broken.

I think we all have issues.

Well, that's not what you said.

Uh, I think there's
been some confusion here.

Um...

Warren, can we talk
privately for a second?

You know, I think we're better
off talking all this --

I think now is what
I'm talking about!

Sure, yeah, me too. Okay.
Right in here, right in here.

What the hell, man?!
You sold me out!

Come on, keep your voice down.
Keep your voice down.

It was a joke, for Christ's
sake! You knew that!

I mean, did you tell her
about the Jon Hamm dream, too?

No, no, no, Marc, look.
It's like all therapists --

we consult with each other
on a professional level.

Oh, is that what you call it?
"Consulting"?

Well, that's weird, because it sounds a lot like
gossiping to me. - Marc, come on.

What, you're gonna stand there and bullshit
me to my face? You didn't need to repeat that.

So, are you excited
about Hawaii?

One night, I was trying to fill

the silence and the void
with her, you know, by --

by just kind of being
entertaining,

and it slipped out.

I didn't even think
she heard me, you know?

I mean, she's so busy I.M.ing
with old flames on Facebook,

I didn't think it registered.

All right, man. All right.
Okay. Okay. Cool.

Okay. Hey, look, the -- the
most important thing is

we just don't derail
the progress we've been making

by going out there
and harping on this

in front of Delphine, right?
- Yeah.

I just think it'd be best
for everyone,

when we get out there, you just
dropped it, you know what I mean?

I-I-if you bring it up,

it's gonna be worse
for all of us.

All right, okay.
- Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Okay? Cool? - Yeah, yeah, I'm okay.
Yeah, I'm cool, I'm cool.

Okay. Good.
All right.

Thanks, pal.
Thanks.

Oh! Here we go.

Hey. Hello.
- Hello, hello.

All right? You know what?
Here's what we'll do.

Let's go over a few skills that
the two of you can practice

between your limbos and luaus.

Oh, great idea because,
of course, vacation

is such a great time to start
new, better habits, right?

Yeah, it is.
Mm-hmm.

Marc, instead of focusing
on Jen's shortcomings,

I want you to focus on being the
best partner that you can be.

Great idea.
- All right? So then, if a conflict --

Everyone in this room is a liar.

Excuse me?
- Here we go.

Look, I know you two
are having personal issues,

but how about attempting
a little professionalism?

What is he --
- No, you know what?

I-I think we're just about out of
time, so we can -- but what --

You think just because you
color-coordinate your outfits

that you can judge us?
- Marc, what the hell are you doing?

They're no better off than us.
They're worse than us.

He's terrified of her, and she's
trolling for dick on Facebook.

Oh, boy.
- What are you --

please tell me you were
not discussing our marriage.

with a client?!
Jesus Christ.

Yeah, how does
that feel, Warren,

to be someone else's
gossip fodder?

Look, I barely said anything.

You are jeopardizing
our entire practice right now.

Oh, wait, I'm acting unprofessionally?
Is that what's going on?

Because I hear you flirting
with your Friday at 4:00

through the wall, and it sounds
like you're on a goddamn date!

Oh, my God. How do you know
what goes on in my sessions?

A-are you eavesdropping?
- Gee, I don't think I'm deaf,

because I certainly can't not
hear you laughing hysterically

at everything he says!

Why don't you just
marry the guy?!

"Why don't you
just marry the guy?!"

Listen to yourself! Do you
know how effeminate you sound?

I -- I think this has been
a great session.

You've made
a lot of progress.

What?

Screw this.

Jen, come on.

Well, that's awesome.
- Thank you. Thank you.

Good luck with everything.

That's great. We got
birthday presents to buy.

We will talk to you after your
vacation! Have a good one!

I knew this double-therapy thing
was weird.

They should pay us
for that session.

Hey, Jen.
Unlock the door.

Jen.

What's happening?

Come on!

Hey, baby.

I think I walked off
my entire childhood.

It's a great idea angrily
leaving me without a ride.

It's very cathartic.

Hello?

So, uh --
so, did you cool down?

What, are you getting a head
start on the packing, or --

Yes, I am packing.

Uh, are we okay?

I mean, I-I think Hawaii's
gonna be, you know,

more help to us
than therapy, actually.

I'm not going, Marc.

What are you
talking about?

Come on. I mean, therapy
was a disaster, but I think --

No, it wasn't a disaster.
It was really helpful.

It made us both realize that
we don't want a future together.

That is not true for me.
I mean, you're projecting here.

I just wanted to wait
until we worked some stuff out.

No, you need to work
some stuff out.

I am fine.
I know exactly what I want.

You're a child, and I'm not
gonna have a child with a child.

Come on, why can't we
talk about this?

This all goes away in Hawaii.
That's what Hawaii's for.

Fine. Go to Hawaii.
Have a great time.

I'll be in Seattle.

Can't we talk about it?

What's there
to talk about, Marc?

It's an all-paid vacation.
It's an all-inclusive resort.

I mean, I can't go down there
alone with all those buffets.

What do you want from me? What, do you
want me to put a baby in you right now?

Is that what you want?

Yes, Marc!
Put a baby in me, okay?!

Come on! Right now!
Let's go! Let's do it!

Come on. Is this sexy?

Put a baby in me!

Exactly.

Look, I'm not what anyone would
call the easiest fellow, okay?

And as some of you can tell
from my voice,

there is some shit
going down with me.

I don't want to get
into specifics,

but my relationship is, uh --
is over.

And I feel horrible.

And the saddest part about it

is that we both
still love each other.

We just couldn't make it work.

We -- we -- we --
we tried everything,

and we just couldn't
make it work.

I mean,
it's nobody's fault.

You know,
it takes two to toxic,

so we had to end it.

And I miss her.

And I feel like, you know,

not only is -- is part
of my life missing,

but part of my brain is missing,
part of my heart is missing.

I mean, I haven't felt this sad
and alone in --

I-I mean, I don't --
I don't know how long.

I-I just don't know

if I'm ever gonna get
this relationship thing right.

I mean,
how much time do I have left?

I mean, that's cynical,
but, I mean, seriously.

I mean, it'll --
it'll get better, right?

Right?

Hey, look, if you're in the
market for, uh, condoms, lube,

or things that go buzz
and hum in the night,

I have got a deal for you.

My sponsor will
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I can't do this now.

Damn.