All language subtitles for Black Books - S01E04 - The Blackout.eng

Fran! Fran! Fran!

Bernard, Bernard!

There you are.
Wait till you hear this.

No, me first. I can't hold onto
this one. My story goes first.

— No! I'm not backing down.
— Neither am I.

— You know what that means.
— Count.

One, two, three.

(Screaming)

— Say “peanuts”.
— Peanuts.

— I want Manny in on this.
— No, he's no good.

He stayed up all night
with his birthday present.

A complete set of The Sweeney
and an espresso machine.

(Phone)

Hello? What? Do me a favour.

It's a flamin' bookshop.
Course we got Jane Austen.

(Bell)

Right. OK, my story.

— Imagine, yeah?
- Yeah.

— Imagine you're a woman.
- OK.

— And now imagine...
— Wait! I'm still...

OK. And now imagine
you have a boyfriend.

(Giggling)

OK? And now imagine
you see that boyfriend...

with another woman.

(Whimpers)

— OK! My story!
— It's Peter I'm talking about.

Peter wouldn't do that to me...you.

He's scum. This morning,
I was getting into my car...

- I just feel so...
— Awww.

Now, my story.

— You know Gerald and Sarah?
— Gerald, er, your friend...

Friend? When I first came to London,

he put me up, he lent me money,

he helped me find a job, this place.

I was an incredibly
good friend to him.

And even though, even though
I fancied his girlfriend,

I did not make a pass at her.

Well, once. Twice. A few times.

But not after I realised
just how angry it made him.

— Once, but only...
— Get on with the story.

Well, they invited me to
a dinner party and I went,

had a good time, woke up
with a bit of a hangover.

Well, a big hangover.

So I went to the chemist
to get some fizzigood.

— Some what?
— Fizzigood — make feel nice.

— Oh, Alka—Seltzer.
- Yeah.

“Soluble.”

Mm. Mm. Make feel nice.

(Mumbling) Fizzigood feel nice.

Gerald! Sarah!
Thanks for the dinner party!

‘Completely blanked me.'

Well, maybe they didn't see you.

Could something have distracted them?

Like what?

Gunfire. Was somebody shooting?

Let's see. Was someone firing a gun?
Was someone firing...?

No, I don't think so.

Manny, you look like
you could use some sleep.

Yeah, yeah, in a little bit.

The thing is, this bloke behind me,

behind me, behind me...don"t look!

— I reckon he's got a shooter.
— He's a hundred years old.

You're wired on coffee and cops.

And so what? So they blanked you.

So what? So what? They blanked me.

That's a powerful
thing in civilised society.

It's like, it's like...

when the Mafia send each other
fish through the post.

You must've done something awful.

Something really awful.
Do you think?

Oh. You didn't do that thing?
Your Belly Savalas thing?

No, I didn't do Belly Savalas.

So, Bernard, being blanked
really made you feel that bad?

Yeah. Terrible!

Hmm.

Manny, get some sleep.

Something really awful.
God, what did I do?

What did I do? Think! Think!

Get down!

Thank you. Enjoy.

It's dreadful but it's quite short.

Manny! Come over here.

You want a case?
I'll give you a case.

Figure out what I did last night.

OK, the dinner party.

Ooh!

What?

Sat on myself.

All right. Let's start
by reconstructing the evening.

Who else was there?

Well, Gerald and Sarah, obviously.

— What's their D—407?
— Well... What?

— What do they do?
— Oh. Gerald's a food writer.

He had a big hit with
Basic Meals for the Ultra—Rich.

Sarah's an interior designer.
She's on that programme,

— Pet Surprise.
— Pet Surprise?

— What's that?
— Oh, you know.

They take the dog out,
he thinks it's a normal walk,

but when they come back...

the kennel has a patio
and French doors.

Yep. Yeah, yeah.

Then they take the blindfold off...

And he's like, "Ch, my God.”

— Right.
— And there were a few others,

people who talk about salad
for five hours.

(Bernard, drunkenly)
And then I won again.

He was smaller than me,
only eight, but I still won.

I won again and again
and again and again.

So. How much had you had to drink...

before you turned up?

— You assume I'd been drinking.
— How much?

— How much? How much?
— That I'd...have a...

— How much?
— A couple of bottles.

Right. So you were
in a bit of a state.

No, I was fine.

Oh, come on! Think!

(Doorbell)

(Police radio)

— Hiya.
— Is this yours?

— Er, yes.
— Misunderstanding.

Not her fault. She's young.
High spirits. Thanks!

Try and keep it indoors.

See what you did? You made
the police come to their house!

Wow. There's more.

Oh, God, Bernard, look at you!

I'm a happy—go—lucky scamp.

Exquisite gifts, as always.
You're very early, Bernard.

Oh. You remember Jimbo, don't you?

I'm not sure. What do you do?

— No, he's our son.
— Oh, thank God.

I thought you had a disease.
Oh, this is a child.

(Sarah) Gerald?
Can you help me, please?

Ah, Jim.
Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim.

Come here. We'll do the thing. Ah!

Here.

Here...there we go.

Take it. Shh... Take it.

Now... Actually, Jim,
can I have that back?

Shh. Thanks.

Jim, have I told you
about the old country?

The songs, Jim.
Oh, they'd melt your face.

# Oh, I live in a shoe
on Moore Street

# I'm a prostitute from Newry #

The child's involved somehow.

He's done something
and pinned it on me.

Huh. It's always the children,
isn't it, Bernard?

Manny, if you have
one more sip of coffee...

(Old woman) Help! Help! Help!

I got it!

— Help! Help!
— Wait! Stop!

(# Cop show chase music)

(Music stops)

(Music resumes)

All right?

(Old woman) And my keys!
My house keys, they were in it.

How will I get into
my house without my keys?

It was a plainclothes policeman?

Yes. Oh, officer, officer...

Bernard!

Bernard!

No questions, OK?
Can you do my shoelace?

No can do, neckface.

— What happened to you?
— What happened to you?

You first.

No, come on.
Are you the next Bond villain?

You should have
"Dorset — 5 miles” on you.

Come on, you tell. Tell me.

Don't mind this.
It's a very dull story. Come on.

No, no. You first, come on.

— Tell me.
— No.

Oww!

— Tell me.
— Tell me.

— Ah, ah, ah!
— (Laughing) No, no, no!

Ahh! OK, OK, OK, OK, OK.

OK.

You remember when I told you
I saw Peter with that girl?

Mm—hmm.

I couldn't get it out of my head
so I shut the shop,

went down the beauty parlour
and got myself done.

‘When the next thing, who walks
by the window but Peter?”

Then I remembered what you said

about the awesome power of the blank.

‘And I knew I might not get
a second chance.'

So you dealt with this
in a mature, reason...

Shut up. Anyway...

Fran?

Fran?

Fran?

Fran!

(Tyres screeching)

(Thud)

You were knocked down and...

No, that's not how I got this.

The way I got this was...

No, it's too embarrassing.
You next, what happened?

— Well, I was...
— (Phone)

— We're closed.
— We're closed!

(Quietly) Hello? Hello? Hello?!

Yeah, yeah. Hello...Raiders.

You'd just better watch it!

Or I'll be down your manor
with all the other policemen!

And we'll arrest your arse. Goodbye.

You know, I thought
you might want some coffee.

— No, I've gotta go.
— No, wait.

We need you.
Look, got a favour to ask.

We got someone
who isn't turning over.

Could you sit in
on the interview?

— Hey?
— What's with the face fungus?

Er...undercover. Undercover work.

Gotta blend in
with a heavy metal group

who stole some...furniture.

— Right.
— Bastards!

So anyway, can you help us out?

No, I-1 can't, I really can't.
They need me on the job.

Hang on. Who's your governor?
I'll ask him.

— Oh, what the hell.
— Good lad.

— Grab your coffee.
— Right.

(Gulping)

OK, so far,
we've been going at him hard.

It might be time he found that
sympathetic ear he needs.

Know what I mean?
So I'm nasty, you're nice. OK?

— (Mumbles)
— What?

— You're not so bad.
— No, no. In the interview.

Oh, yeah, yeah. I was, er...
making a police joke.

Yeah, right.
It's Barry, by the way.

— Carter.
— Carter? Yeah, lovely.

We'll let him sweat it out
for a few minutes, OK?

Finish your coffee.
It's not bad, is it?

(Squeaking unintelligibly)

Bernard! Come on!

(Bernard groans, cork pops)

So, what happened?

All right. After you left,

I remembered something about
the dinner party.

I did do Belly Savalas.

Dooby, dooby, dooby, dooby.

What's that?
I can't hear you, Belly Savalas.

(Pop!)

Who loves you, baby?

Ha ha. What about that, eh?

But I also realised it wasn't
Belly Savalas that upset them.

It was something else.

Something much, much worse.

Oh, you didn't do Cobumbo, did you?

No. I didn't have any cigars.

All right,
so you were knocked down.

Even though I wasn't badly hurt,
I went to hospital for checks.

And Peter insisted on coming with me.

OK.

I blanked him in the ambulance.

How do you blank somebody
in an ambulance?

Come on, Fran. Keep your eyes
fixed on mine. Come on!

Fran? Your eyes on mine.

Keep your eyes fixed on mine!

(Cracking)

Fran! Fran! Hurry, man, hurry!

Did you ever get to tell him
why you were blanking him?

I certainly did.

I spent some time explaining
in very clear terms

why he was a scumbag

and the fancy lady
he was with was a slut.

— It was his sister.
— Yes.

He was comforting her.

Just lost her job.

Ah. He won't be seeing you again?

He says he wants to see other,
less mad women.

All right, now you, come on.

I want to know how you
became the little teapot.

I don't want to tell it again
for Manny. Where is he?

Remember, I'm nasty, you're nice.

Nogsy.

You miss me?

I was just thinking, "When's
Inspector Norris coming back?”

Oi! Smart lip doesn't work
with me, Nogsy.

I don't react well to it.

Now, you better start
giving me something solid

or I'll feed you to the sharks.

(Clearing throat)

You have...

beautiful eyes.

You're going away, understand me?
This is the end of the line.

Shall I phone Hong Kong Kitchen
and get us all some crispy duck?

Sorry? Listen.

You better speak up or else
we'll be talking to your missus.

How do you like that, family man?

Hey. When this has blown over,
let's go see Les Miserables.

Have you been to the zoo?
It's brilliant.

What's, er... What's going on?

Carter.

Listen. I don't know what you're
doing but it's working.

He's getting shaky.
You take over. Offer him a deal.

— What sort of deal?
- You call it.

Don't give away too much.
He's looking at two years minimum.

— I'll be back in ten.
— Huh?

— Ten minutes.
— Oh.

Hey? Right.

I'm locking the door, Nogsy.

It doesn't open again
until you give my partner something!

Yeah, that's definitely locked.

— I'm not a policeman!
— What?

I'm not,
I've just had too much coffee!

What are you talking about?

— What'lLL I do?
— I want Norris back.

I"lUL talk to him,
I ain't talking to you!

Ahhhh!

— (Cork
po
— Ah! pel

It's a boy!

So, come on, back to the story.

I knew I'd done something
heinous so I went to see them.

(Doorbell)

— What do you want?
— To say I'm sorry.

— I'm very, very sorry.
— Oh. Well.

Please accept my gifts.

Maybe then we could
clear the deck somehow

and—and you could actually tell me

what it was that I actually...

- ..did.
— (Phone)

(Screams)

Bernard? Fran?

Well, you did it.

I don't know how you did it,
but you did it.

Well, you know, Barry,
I'm just a cop.

Ooh.

Just one copper
tryin to make a difference.

Yeah.

Fell off a chair to some extent.

You know, Barry,
I been doing this job for tw...

20 min...years, since I was...15.

And you know,
it doesn't get any easier.

So that's why I've made
my decision to retire.

That's right, I'm retiring.
Nogsy was my last case.

I've had 100% success rate,
I'm only getting older and slower.

It's time for this old warhorse
to be put out to pasture.

Well, that's a shame. I been
on the job nearly 20 years too.

And you are the best bloody
copper I have ever worked with.

— It's been a privilege.
— OK, fair enough.

— All right.
- Yeah.

Oh, God.

(Bernard) Anyway. Where was 1?

You went to Gerald and Sarah's
to ask what you did.

— You mean you don't remember?
— Not as such, no.

You don't remember asking
for about the 100th time

where the toilet was,
drunk out of your skull?

You went to the toilet and you
were gone an awful long time...

Get him out.
Get him out. Get him out.

- 1 will.
— Out. Get him out now.

- 1 will.
— Get him out. Out.

Gerald.

— Could I ask you a question?
— What?

You know the thing, the thing
that cleans these things.

— Why is that in your bathroom?
— (Mouths)

I'm not Coco Chanel
but I think that's a bit weird.

Bernard, why don't I call you a cab?

I don't want a cab.
It's only half one.

Anyway, listen. Why do you have
a toaster in your bathroom?

We haven't got a toaster
in our bathroom.

Well, you should put a lock
on the door anyway

because I was on the toilet,
little Jimmy comes in,

he's drinking milk from the
fridge and that's all wrong.

It's unhygienic.

And what was going through your brain

when you thought,
"Oh, yeah, I'll buy a wicker toilet"?

(Sarah screams)

I thought I did something bad.

So I go to the toilet in your
wicker chair, it's a faux pas.

Faux pas?

I thought I drank
all the booze or something.

- You did drink all the booze.
— Look at Jimmy.

What? What? What? He looks surprised.

All children look surprised.
Everything's new to them.

Have I told you, by the way,
that he...he, er...

he smokes?

— He does not smoke.
— Well, he's up to something.

I've never said this
because I was being nice.

But your son has the, er...

the cold, dead eyes of a killer.

I come to your house,
I bring a bottle of wine...

— A policewoman.
— Policewoman, bottle of wine,

the point is I made an effort.

And OK,
I was slightly indiscreet.

And I'm sorry! I am.

But you...you blanked me. So...

— (Sarah) So what?
— I think I deserve an apology.

(Both) Out.

I came all the way across town
to apologise,

I don't even have the fare
for a taxi back.

I behaved with dignity, honour
and grace. I'm a bit upset now.

You wouldn't understand —
I'm talking about dignity!

Hence...

So why were you
embarrassed to tell me?

Oh, well, I fell, you know.
It was so...undashing.

And going to the toilet
through a chair,

well, we've all been there.

What happened to you?

Oh, I have had some day.

— What happened?
— Well, it started off...

What happened to you?

Ooh!

(High voice)
That was a particularly bad one.