All language subtitles for Premature 2014

[projector whirring]

[whimsical music]

II

[people moaning]

- All right, so here's how you
can tell,

in order of weirdness,

that this is a dream.

First off,
Pm having sex.

Second,
Pm on a heart-shaped bed

with red rubber sheets.

Nice.

Are those beakers?
Yep.

Pm in my chemistry class.

That's third.

" [moans]

- And this woman
is just perfect.

f mean, look at her.

Those eyes...

Those lips...

Those three tits. ..

I would tell you the fifth,

but this is about the time
Where I...

[rock music]

II

- I I'm a big ball player
in the story of my life I

I And I can't wake up, but
I just won't sleep at night I

I Well, maybe I'm alive,
or maybe I'm dead I

I The things you say
run around my head I

I Anti-words that sound
like shit to me I

I Tum around, round, round I

I Round, round, round I

I Turn it around I

I Hum around, round, round I

I Round, round, round I

[door creaks]

- Just...

throw the sheets in the laundry,
hon.

[water rushes]

[whooshing, brushing]

[whooshing]

- [slurping]

[indistinct television chatter]

- It's okay.

She's in the laundry room.

Sit down.

- I should probably be going
to school, so.

- We both know how important
today's interview is.

- Dad, I really don't need
another pep talk.

- When you were benched
in Little League

and your team
played with eight players,

I said nothing.

When you were bullied
by Sally Levinson,

I said nothing.

When you lost the class
presidency to a raccoon...

- He was the school mascot.

- I said nothing.

But this is too important to me

to just sit idly by
and say nothing.

[taps chair]
- [sighs]

- So come on, please.

- Okay, fine.

- I want you to wear this
during the interview.

This is my old headband from
when I rowed crew at Georgetown.

- But I don't row crew.

Oh, God.

It smells like crotch.

- That's the smell
of a champion.

Today you have
a huge opportunity.

Today you'll make me proud.

' [grunts]

It would save me time

if I would just put down
newspaper on his...

bed.

[playing Miracle Mile
by Cold War Kids]

II

- I I was supposed
to do great things I

I I know the road was long I

I But I wasn't raised
to shoot for fame I

I I had the safety on I

IOohl

I Ooh, ooh I

I I cut my ties,
I sold my rings I

I I wanted none of this I

I If you start from scratch,
you have to sing I

I Just for the fun of it I

- Cute dress.
- Hello, Lisa.

- I I'll be all rightl

I If I could just see you I

I Come up for air,
come up for air I

- Have a good day at school.
- Rob!

Yo, Rob!

[grunts]

- Ooh.

Hey, are you okay?
- Shh, shh.

So I'm about to blow my load

when Lisa says, "Wait."

She then stands up,
gets dressed,

turns to me and says,

"Okay.

Come now."

And boom.

I came.

- Huh.

- How does a high school chick
learn mind control like that?

- Maybe some sort
of magnet school

for the sexually advanced.

- You're gonna love sex.

It's like jerking off with
the best sock on the planet.

- Wait.
- What?

- Why are you dressed
like Ellen DeGeneres?

- I have my interview today.

I'm not dressed like Ellen.

- So what are you gonna do
if you don't get in?

- Hey, no.
Shut up.

Okay?

I have to get in.
Don't jinx me.

- So I'll kill a chicken.
Relax.

- Hey, man, you want to come
over tonight'?

- I'm playing Grand TheftAuto
online

with that kid
from the Balkans.

You know, he sent me
this fucked up YouTube clip.

Some MMA guy got punched
in the nuts so hard,

he shit himself
and came.

Wow, as much as
I'd love to see that,

Gabrielle and I are watching
the spelling bee tonight.

- Hi, guys.

- Your dork Super Bowl?

- No, dude,
it's like trembling kids

terrified of disappointing
their watching parents.

I mean, it's like watching
televised child abuse.

It's fucking awesome.

They don't get punched,
but they do shit themselves.

- Huh.

And a good morning to you both.
- Hey, Gabs.

- Thanks.
- Arthur.

- What time are you flying out,
Artie?

- Funny, Stanley.

Too bad the Special Olympics

doesn't have
a comedy competition.

So, Rob, Gabrielle told me your
Georgetown interview is today.

- Uh, yeah.
I'm a little nervous.

- Want me to put in a good word?

They've been on my chalk
about going there full-ride

since I was in middle school.

- Really?
Since middle school?

- It's a lot of pressure
for a seven-year-old.

- Good morning.

- Good morning, Mr. Hughes.
- Hey, Mr. Hughes.

- Arthur, I thought you were
gonna be here early.

- Excuse me for a second.

Get off my scrotum, Mr. Hughes.

I have your lesson plan.

But what I don't have
is my money.

- It's in my classroom.

- Then let's go.

I'm sorry, guys.
I have to handle this.

And, Rob, feel free to drop
my name in the interview.

- I can't believe
your prepube neighbor

sells homework to teachers.

- Yeah, and how is he
so confident?

He was one eyebrow,

and it's thicker
than Sam Elliott's mustache.

- Oh, he can't help the eyebrow.
He's Armenian.

- Yeah, poor kid.
- Poor kid?

No, he should mow that thing.
It's embarrassing.

- Says the guy who has been
not-so-subtly adjusting his cup.

- It's an athletic supporter.
It rides up sometimes.

- In his defense, Gabrielle,

a little discomfort
is far better

than getting kicked in the balls
every day for a semester.

- That happened
in the ninth grade.

It hasn't happened since.

- It's not something
onejust forgets, Gabrielle.

The ninth grade
was my ball-ocaust.

Never again.

- I got beer for tonight.
You excited?

- Oh, sweet.
How?

- Just threw it in the cart
at the Shop 'n Save.

My mom thought my dad put it in.

And my dad thought he put it in.

So it worked out perfectly.

- Hey, so it is your last chance
to change your bet.

Unless you really think that
Mona Panchal will take it all.

- Um, some stats.

- All right.
Hit me.

- She is a 13-year-old
up-and-comer

from Kansas via Mumbai

with a nervous twitch.

She placed 12th two years ago,
5th last year.

This is her year.

Also, it is too late to change
your bets

because the first round
has started.

- I'm just really excited
for Pongsaklet Wonjongkam

to eat Mona for L-U-N-C-H.

- Right.

Is Pongsaklet a boy
or a girl?

- Yeah, I have no idea.
- Exactly.

- But if it can spell
its own name,

it can spell anything.

- So I was thinking,
we could drink every time

somebody asks for alternate
pronunciations.

Or-or, every time someone asks
for alternate pronunciations,

we could cut ourselves.

- Yeah, sure.

- Yo, Rob!
Yo!

[water sq u I rts]

Hey, are you kidding me?

You're volleyball players.

You don't get to pick on people.

- Set me.

- No.

- Ooh.
Damn.

[laughs]

- It's piss.

Those assholes pissed on me.

. Okay"

Well, that'll dry
by the interview.

- Yeah, but he smells
like a urinal cake.

- I do.
I do smell like a urinal cake.

- [exhales]

Guys, I have my test
next period.

I got to go.
Um...

Stanley, go to the
lost and found.

Get Rob a new pair of pants.

- I won't let you down, buddy.

- Watch out,
pants emergency.

- And stay calm.

All right, take a deep breath.

Keep the recruiter's face
away from your junk.

- [laughs]

- And it's gonna be great.

Okay?
- Thanks, Gabs.

Just text me with bee updates,
okay?

- I will.

[bell ringing]

- Okay, these aren't ideal,

but they didn't have a lot
to choose from.

- Are these even men's pants?

- Try them on.
Maybe you'll look fabulous.

I feel like I'm gonna be sick.

- Hey, you know I have a test
next period, right?

- Shh.

Are all the people you tutor
this self-absorbed?

Hey, Artie.

Can you help this student,
please?

Rob's falling apart.

- I know you have a learning
disability, Stanley,

but can you grasp the fact

that I'm already working
with someone?

- How many people know about

your arrangement
with Mr. Hughes?

And I'm presuming
there are others.

- [speaking foreign language]

- Don't shout that witch
language at me.

I'll burn you at the stake.

Move.

Go.

I know what would help.

Take a deep breath.

- [inhales]

Okay, I am.
- Good.

Now go to the bathroom,

hita stall,

and rub one out to that.

It's a scientific fact

that your blood pressure drops
after you orgasm.

It's like your balls
are shooting yoga

through your veins.

- Oh, no.
Is she coming over here?

Yep.
She is. Shit.

Please stop talking now.

- Hi, Rob.

- Hey, Angela.

Um, good morning.

- Excuse me, Angela.

I have to update
my Wikipedia page.

. Okay"

So, Rob,
I know our tutoring session

isn't supposed to be
until Thursday,

but I was kind of hoping
we could schedule,

like, an emergency session.

Miss Marconi moved a test up.

She's getting a mammogram
tomorrow, so.

- Did you say mammogram?

- Yeah, and how'd you make it
sound so hot?

- I was thinking that we could
study tonight at my house.

- Tonight.

Um, actually,
I don't think I can.

- Oh, boo.
Really?

- No.
Not really.

- Yeah, ifsjust, um, I kind of
have plans I can't change, so.

- Do you?
- Yes.

I do have plans.

Maybe you can study
with Arthur instead?

- [speaking foreign language]

- [laughs]

Oh, you're serious?

That's okay.
I'll just-

I'll just fail it.

- No.
Angela, don't worry.

Rob will reassess his schedule

and get back to you
A-S-A-effing-P.

- Thanks.

By the way, Rob, that coat makes
you look so professorial.

[giggles]

- She wants to fuck you.

Her nickname is "After School
Special" for a reason.

- I know.

- Freshman year,
she cured Mike Dolan's stutter.

Her pussy inspired
The King's Speech.

- I just-l can't just bail
on Gabs, you know?

I mean, we watch
the spelling bee every year.

It's our thing.

- You've been borderline
stalking Angela

as long as we've been friends.

- We've been friends
since we were five.

- Not exactly.
You took time to grow on me.

I didn't consider you a friend
till 6 1/2.

- Wait, seriously?

- Look, Angela has sex
with grown men.

She hasn't slept
with a high school student

since elementary school.

She's making an exception
for you.

- This is too much pressure
for me today.

- Okay, well,
let me ask you this.

Has she ever invited you
over to her house before?

- No, and stop, okay?

Please, because I am panicking,

and I cannot shit
these gym shorts.

- Ew.

- The poem tells of a talking
raven's mysterious visit

to a distraught lover,

tracing the man's slow fall
into madness.

I'll start reading,

and then we'll go around
the room counterclockwise.

Okay.

As I recite the poem,

look for the repetition
of the word "nevermore."

"Once upon a midnight dreary,

"while I pondered weak
and weary,

over many a quaint and curious
volume of forgotten lore."

- You know, I looked
at last year's yearbook,

and her tits were not that big.

There's definitely been
a cosmetic enhancement

on at least two of them.

- Leave me alone.

- When I die,

I want to come back as
a top button, you know...

- Mm.

- Or a guy who's fucking her.

Thafd be cool.

- Yeah, that would be cool.

Dude, come on.

- I have something to add.

[knocking]

- I need Rob Crabbe
to the main office.

" Rob?

- [exhales]

Is that supposed to be
the Georgetown mascot?

'Cause you know
it's a bulldog.

- I can't draw bulldogs.

- "And the silken sad
and uncertain rustling

"of each purple curtain

filled me with fantastic terrors
never felt before."

- Didn't Stanley go to the lost
and found?

- They only had capri pants.

- Mm-hmm.

- Are you my escort?

- At your service.

- [laughs]

- Oh, I have bad news for you.

- What?

- Pongsaklek Wongjongkam,

who is a boy,
by the way,

misspelled endoradiosonde in
the second preliminary round.

- Are you serious?

Shit.

I did not see either of those
coming.

- [sighs]

- Well...

Here we are.

- You're gonna nail it.

I know it.
- You think?

- Yes.

I mean, who could resist
those legs?

- [laughs]

- Rob Crabbe?
- Yes.

- Jack Roth,
Georgetown Admissions.

Good to meet you.

Please take a seat.

- Before we begin,

allow me to apologize
for the shorts.

Some of my classmates thought it
might be amusing if...

- Bullies.

What was their weapon
of choice?

- A piss-filled water gun.

Direct hit.

- Say no more.
I'll pretend they're pants.

Look, everything I've read
about you is great.

So I'm really here just
to put a face with a name.

Are those your notes?

- Give them to me.

You don't need notes.

Just be yourself.

And it's okay if you don't know
who that is yet.

That's what college is for,

to figure out who you are,

all right, not what somebody
else wants you to be,

but who you...

really...

are.

Just answer the questions
honestly.

You're gonna do fine, all right?

- [chuckles]
Okay.

- I see that your parents both
graduated from Georgetown.

- Yeah, both my mom and dad.

They met there, actually.

Some kids grow up
hearing about Oz or Wonderland.

All my fairy tales took place in
the mythical land of Georgetown.

[both laughing]

- [crying]

I'm sorry.

I met my wife...

at Georgetown too.

But then...

lupus.

[sobbing]

I'm sorry.

Feels like it happened
yesterday.

It was ten months ago.
I'm just having a moment, okay?

- Yeah, no.

Please, take your time.

- No, no, no.
Let's do this.

Let's do this.

[clears throat]

[blubbering]

You know who the biggest bully
is?

- Lupus?

" No!

It's life!

Life is the biggest bully
of them all.

It'll shoot you
with a piss-filled water pistol

again and again and again.

You got to just get up,
carry on,

smell like piss.

Life is the biggest fucking
bully of them all.

I am sorry.

[Cries]

Whoa.
Detour.

Oh, look at here.

It says that you were a part

of the student-to-student
tutoring initiative.

- Mr. Roth?

- My wife was my tutor.

That is how we met.

[crying]

Now she's gone...

[crying]

- Um.

I have my dad's headband, so.

- Thank you.

- How'd it go?

- He cried.

Somehow, I reminded him of
the greatest loss of his life.

There goes Georgetown.

- It's not the end of the world.

It's just your dad talking.
There are other schools.

- Imagine for one second that
you had any goals whatsoever,

and then imagine
if they didn't happen.

- This is exactly why
I don't have goals.

Look, you can still get
into Georgetown.

And if you can't,

focus on one thing you can still
get into:

Angela.

- You're insane.

She doesn't want to...

- You could become a beautiful
nonvirgin butterfly.

Let's Angela's crotch
be your cocoon.

- Hey, Angela.

- Rob.

Nice shorts.

- Uh, thanks.

That-long story.

But, um,

I can tutor you tonight.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Oh, Rob,
you're such a lifesaver.

- Well, I can help you out
with your test,

but, you know, Miss Marconi's
on her own with her...

mammogram.

- Nice shorts.

- Hey, I've been looking
all over for you.

- Hey, how was your...

- Really?

- Uh, yeah.

L, um-l pulled a Wonjongkam.

- No.
What happened?

- I'd rather not relive it.

[chuckles]

Hey, so listen.

Um.

I don't think I can make it
tonight.

I'm just not feeling up to it.

- You sure?

Might cheer you up.

- Yeah, you know,
another time.

Um...

It's just my future's in doubt.

- Yeah.
Yeah. No, that's okay.

- I don't know
why you feel so bad.

- Because I just lied to Gabs.

I feel awful.

- Good, we can use that.

- What?

- Guilt is a blessing.

It will make you last longer.

You can only go four minutes

when it's just you
and the tissues.

- Yeah, and I'm feeling plenty
of guilt then too.

- Well, then we'll need
something stronger.

Remember when I accidentally
exposed my baldy?

' [groans]

Yeah, you looked like
my grandpa's elbow.

- Yeah, use that.

That'll ruin things
for a little while.

- That is good.

- You know what you should do?

Buy the Magnums too.

Then use the regular-size condom

but leave behind
the Magnum wrapper.

- What's that gonna do?

Besides make her feel like
she has a giant vagina.

Um, I'll have the Trojan Ecstasy
Ultra-Ribbed, please.

[upbeat rock music]

- I Whoo, whoo, whoo, ooh I

I Whoo, whoo, whoo, ooh I

I Whoo, whoo, whoo, ooh I

IOohl

- # I love youl

I You do too I

- [screams]

[tires screeching]

[groaning]

[tires squealing]

I'm fine, you asshole!

- I Whoo, whoo, whoo, ooh I

I Whoo, whoo, whoo, ooh I

I Whoo, whoo, whoo, ooh I

IOohl

- # I love youl

I You do too I

I You love you I

- Pussy?

- Excuse me?

- Are you here for pussy?

- I'm Angela's tutor.

Is she home?

- I don't know.

- Mind if I check?

- Do as you wish.

[door opens]

. HEY-

. HEY-

- Uzi, you know you can smoke
inside.

- Oh, no, thank you.

- Uzi's from Israel.

He's staying with us for
the rest of the school year, so.

- Cool.

- When it's this quiet
back home,

a cafe explodes.

- Come on in.
- Okay.

- Ka-boom.

- Uh, so...

Quadratic equations.

Believe me, it is a lot
more exciting than it sounds.

- What are you doing?

Sit on the bed.

- Oh, yeah.
Uh, right, of course.

- So would you like some wine?

It's white Zinfandel.

It's my mom's favorite.

It's absolutely delish.

- No, thanks.

Math pairs better
with a robust red.

[both laughing]

- Is your mom home?

- No, she works at night.

It's just me and Uzi.

- [gasps]

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry.

- Don't worry about it.

- So, uh...

What-what exactly is your test
on tomorrow?

- Can I confess something
to you?

- You don't have a dead wife
or anything, do you?

'Cause I can't take that again
today.

- [giggles]
No.

I don't really have a test
tomorrow.

- You don't?

- No.

I just really like studying
with you.

- I really like studying
with you too.

Your grades
are really improving.

- Yeah, the studying sessions
are, like,

the highlight of my week.

- They are?

- Yeah.

When I'm with you,

I don't know, you don't treat me
like everyone else.

I just feel...

I don't know.
Safe.

- I was captain of the Safety
Patrol Team in eighth grade.

Wait.
Maybe we should...

[sighs]
That-That is nice.

[shuddering]

- Just throw the sheets
in the laundry, hon.

- What the f-

- [slurping]

It's okay.
She's in the laundry room.

Sit down.

[sighs]

We both know how important
today's interview is.

Rob?

- The interviews today.

- Don't eff with me, Robert.

When you were benched
in Little League

and your team played
with eight players,

I said nothing.

When you were bullied
by Sally Levinson,

I said nothing.

When you lost the class
presidency to a raccoon,

I said nothing.

But this interview
is far too important

for me to sit idly by
and say nothing.

I want you to wear this
during the interview.

- The headband.

- This is my old headband

from when I rowed crew
at Georgetown.

Today's the day
you'll make me proud.

' [grunts]

It would save me time

if I would just put down
newspaper on his...

bed.

- Rob!

Yo, Rob.

[grunts]

So I'm about to blow my load
when she says,

"Wait."

She then stands up,
gets dressed, and leaves.

But before she goes,

she turns to me and says,

"Okay, come now."

And boom.
I came.

What the fuck are you doing?

Why are you dressed
like Ellen DeGeneres?

[crashing]

No, he sent me this fucked up
YouTube clip.

Some MMA guy got punched
in the nuts so hard,

he shit himself and came.

Hey, are you pissed at me
or something'?

- What?
No.

I just...

I'm really out of it.

I don't think I slept so good.

I was having a crazy dream.

- And a good morning
to you both.

- Hey, Gabs.

Arthur.

- What time are you flying out,
Artie?

- Funny, Stanley.

Too bad the Special Olympics

doesn't have
a comedy competition.

So, Rob, Gabrielle told me your
Georgetown interview is today.

Does anyone know the warning
signs of a stroke?

- Good morning.

- Hi, Mr. Hughes.

- Arthur, I thought you were
gonna be here early.

- Excuse me for a second.

- You know,
I kind of feel bad for him.

- Why?

- It's probably
'cause he has one eyebrow,

and it's thicker than...

both: Sam Elliott's mustache.

- So I was thinking,

every time they ask
for alternate pronunciations,

we could drink.

- Rob!
Yo, Rob!

[squirting]

Hey!

Are you kidding me?
You're volleyball players.

You don't get to pick on people.

- Set me.

- No.

- Ooh, damn.

- It's piss.

- Okay, um...

Well, that'll dry
by the interview, right?

- Yeah, but he smells
like a urinal cake.

- I have my test next period,
so I got to go.

Um...

Stanley, go to the lost
and found.

- No, it's fine.

I'll just wear the shorts
in my gym locker.

- Really?
You sure?

Stay calm.

Take a deep breath.

- No, seriously.
I'm good.

This was the dream.

[bell ringing]

- You dreamed about today?

- Yeah.

Lisa's telling you to come,

the piss gun,

and...

Angela Yearwood
wants to have sex with me.

- Bullshit.

- Hey, I have a test
next period.

- Shh.

Are all the people you tutor
this self-absorbed?

- Hi, Rob.

So I know our tutoring session
wasn't supposed to be

until Thursday,

but I was kind of, like, hoping

that we could schedule
an emergency session.

Miss Marconi moved a test up.

She's getting a mammogram
tomorrow.

[laughs]

Mammogram.

- How could you even focus
on your interview right now?

- In the dream,
I bombed it.

- Who cares?

Angela will make everything
in the world right again.

[knocking]

- I need Rob Crabbe
to the main office.

" Rob?

- You know,
I bomb the Angela thing too.

That's right.

- What?

- Nothing.

Are you ready?

- Do I look ready?

- The outfit weirdly works
for you.

- No, it doesn't.

- Nope, not at all.

Oh, I have bad news for you.

- Yeah, Pongsaklek Wonjongkam
misspelled endoradiosonde.

- My wife was my tutor.
That's how we met.

[crying]
Oh, God. Jesus.

[crying]

She's gone.

- So?

Hey, don't shut me out!

- Hey, Rob.

Are you okay?

- Yeah, why?

- I just thought you'd be more
excited to come over tonight.

That's all.

You know, if you have other
plans...

- You know what?
I can tutor you tonight.

- You're a lifesaver.

- [laughs]

[timer ticking]

Um, help me?

I'm sick.

- What's wrong?

- I have no idea.

I'm having d?j? vu or, like,
a psychotic episode.

And I really need your help
because I'm falling apart.

- Okay, put this under
your tongue.

[timer dings]

That's your timer, Neil.

No fever, Neil.

You're not sick, honey.

You can go back to class.

- [retches]

- Yeah, you know what?
I'll just figure it out.

Feel better, Neil.

- There's never a bad time to
get an STD from Angela Yearwood.

Even if she gave you
a fatal one,

your doctor would still
high-five you.

[cell phone pings]

- Shit.

I never cancelled
with Gabs.

- Who cares?

Angela's about to deflower you.

Please smile.

- Could I have the Trojan
Ecstasy Ultra-Ribbed, please?

- I Whoo, whoo, whoo, ooh I

- # I love youl

I You do too I

- Oh, shit.
This is where...

[screams]

[grunts]

- Are you here for pussy?

. HEY-

Can I confess something to you?

I don't really have a test
tomorrow.

- I know.

Oh, no.

[moaning]

- Just throw the sheets
in the laun-

- Today's the day
you'll make me proud.

- Rob!

[squirting]

- She's getting a mammogram
tomorrow.

- "Nevermore."

- I have some more bad news
for you.

- [crying]

- Not this time.

[tires screech]

- Pussy?

- Can I confess something
to you?

_ [gasping]

- Just throw the sheets
in the laundry, hon.

- What the fuck is happening?

- Is everything okay?

- [laughs]
Yeah.

Yeah, I'll just-l'll throw
the sheets in the laundry.

- Do you want this to end?

'Cause I think you're getting
a pretty good deal here.

- We're having sex.

The least you could do
is hold my hand in school.

- Look,

the whole reason that this works
is because I get to practice

for when I meet the right guy
in college, okay'?

'Cause as far as anyone who
really matters is concerned,

you don't exist.

_ [grunting]

- The hell are you doing here?

- I have something I need
to tell you.

- There's only one explanation.

Your virginity
is driving you insane.

It's like one of those videos
we saw

in Mr. Panarici's health class.

You know, where little Timmy
went berserk

'cause he masturbated too much.

- No, I know, ifsjust...

lswear,
this all feels too real.

Way too real.

- Sounds like
a delusional disorder.

Unlike hallucinations,

your actual belief
in these events

is clearly pathological.

An antipsychotic will help
reduce your dopamine levels.

You'll be fine.

My dad's a psychiatrist.

- I know what will help.

- What?

- A threesome.

- With me?
- Yeah, with you.

It's a win-win-win.

Look, you get
some pre-college practice.

Rob has sex

and is no longer driven mad
by his virginal status.

And I bust a nut before 8:00
in the morning.

What do you say?

- Yeah, but what actually
happens in a threesome?

Does that mean that you and I
are gonna be-

- Rob, you and I will not be
having sex.

We'd be boning Lisa.

- At the same time?

- It all depends.
There are different methods.

You know, we could take turns,
or you could-

. Okay"

Do you really think

that I would have a threesome
with the two of you?

- Maybe.
- Okay, look.

Threesomes are special.

They're specifically reserved

for when I find the man
that I'm going to marry.

And then a friend of his choice,
of course.

You know, that's how you make
marriages work.

Oh, and, Stanley,
you can come now.

- [whimpers]

- You too, Rob.

[both whimpering]

- Just throw the sheets
in the laundry, hon.

Are you kidding me with this?
Jesus.

It's like he's regressing
right before our eyes.

- He has a big day.

Probably just needed to relieve
some tension.

- That was a lot of tension.

Our son is turning
into this pervert.

- When I was that age,
I could fill a bucket.

- Yeah, well, sweetie,
you can still fill a bucket.

- It's just a little squirt.

- A little squirt?

- Okay, okay, okay, okay.

So I went to Angela's house
one, two, three times.

And then I went and saw
Stanley and Lisa.

And then we almost had
a threesome.

And then...

[computer pinging]

- Is that a 48-inch iaHywacker?

- It sure is.

- I'm gonna do my own laundry
from now on.

Hey!

Hey! Gabs!
Gabrielle, stop!

Gabrielle!

- Rob, are you okay?
You look insane.

- Did you see Gabrielle?

- Yeah, she went inside.

Dude, I called your phone, like,
athousand times.

The most amazing thing happened
to me this morning.

- I know, Lisa's totally become
a master at jizz-ekinesis.

Jizz-ekinesis!

Gabs!

Gabs!

Hey, Gabs.

- That's what you're wearing
to your interview?

" Huh?

No, no, no, no, no.

Hey, um, I need to talk to you.
It's really important.

- Sure.
Are you okay?

- Not really.
Let's go somewhere, maybe?

[water sq u I rts]

[laughter]

Oh, yeah!
You think that's funny!

You think that's funny!

[banging and yelling]

- That wasn't yours to touch.

- Rob, I think we should go now.

- Yeah, you should really listen
to your girlfriend.

- You guys are taller,
and you're better looking.

But that's not enough, is it?

I mean, why do you pick on guys
like me?

You know what I think?

I think you're gay, and you
don't know how to handle it.

So you pick on me because,
inside, society picks on you.

- That's not cool.

Tommy's 93V-

- Oh, you are?

- Yeah, it's not
that big of a deal.

The guys are super supportive.

- Oh, that's so nice.
- Yeah.

- Yeah, I guess it would have
been worse

if YOU guys played a real
sport, right?

That came out wrong.

Gabs, I got to go.
- Probably for the best.

- [screaming]

- Oh, Rob, can you-

- Go, 90, 90, 90, 90!

- Where is he?

- Oh, shit.
Oh, no.

No, no, no, no, no!

- Come on!
- Get it open.

[slamming]

- Let's go.

[all yelling]

- One, two, three.

[door banging]

- Can you guys just stop banging
for, like, two seconds?

- Oh.
- He's whacking.

_ [gasping]

AH: Oh!

- Just throw the sheets
in the laundry, hon.

- Nothing happened.

- [slurping]

Mm.
Good morning.

Sit down.
I want to talk to you.

" Dad?

Why is it so important to you
that I go to Georgetown?

- Well, I guess because
that's where I met your mother

and my life really began.

- And you want that for me?

- Yes, of course.

- Well, what if I don't need
Georgetown to get that?

- You don't want to go
to Georgetown?

- No, I'm just kidding.

No, I just don't need
a pep talk, that's all.

I got this.

[laughs]

You know,
why don't you just focus on

planning your trip
to parents' weekend?

. Okay"

- All right,
have a good day.

- I prove the existence
of a sex Jedi,

and you're just speechless
and smiling.

Do you think about anything
besides sex?

- Yeah.

I think about a lot of stuff,

like why we're still relying
on foreign oil,

what I'd look like
with a ponytail,

why the sudden uptick
in peanut allergies?

- You know, there are other
things in this world

besides sex,

other things to see or do
in this world...

in this school, even.

- What the hell
are you talking about?

- I'm talking about living
a life without repercussions.

- Hi, guys.
- Hey, Gabs.

Hey, didn't your cousin
get admitted to South Oaks?

- Yeah, he had a psychotic break

and burned down
his neighbor's shed.

Thank you for bringing that up.

- Uh-huh, we need to get
Rob admitted there stat.

He's fucking lost it.

- You know, I just woke up this
morning and, long story short,

I feel like I can do anything.

- Okay, can we talk about that
on the way to class?

- Yeah, let's go.
I need to make a poo.

- Yeah, you 9W59�-

I don't really feel
like walking.

- Yeah, you're right.
He's acting weird.

- Yeah, he's, like,
the Douche-y Lama.

[bell ringing]

- Stop that golf cart.

[tires screech]

Show me your hall pass.

- Is there a hall pass
for golf carts?

- I'm gonna have
to write you up.

- You poor soul.

You don't know the power
that you possess.

I mean, you get beaten up
every day, and for what?

A line on a college r?sum??

I mean, what if,
instead of writing people up,

you used your position
to your advantage,

got something out of it, like,

tell me that you won't write me
up if I give you the golf cart.

- You would do that?

- Maybe.

Or...
Excuse me, miss?

Do you have a hall pass?

- Shit.

No.

Ah, I'm not sure what we can do.

You see, my friend here
is a hall monitor,

and it is his job to write up
students who roam the halls

without the necessary paperwork.

- Please don't write me up.

I'll get suspended
if I get written up again.

- Will you French kiss him?

- [sighs]

Okay, but he can't tell anyone.

- Deal.

But give him something
to remember.

- [sighs]

[slamming]

- This is what you're doing
with your day?

- Yeah, totally.

Check this out.

- Where'd you get that?

- You know that creepy janitor'?

It turns out
he's not a pedophile.

He's just a drug dealer.

- Huh.
- Hop in.

- Should we be out here?

- Nope.

- But that's what makes it fun?

- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.

- And if we get caught?

- [laughs]
Don't worry about it.

Just trust me.

It's like that time
that you told me

to tell my gym teacher

I couldn't run the mile
because of my menstrual cramps.

Did I do it?
- Yep.

Mr. Zanek still calls you
"tampon."

Hey, I didn't say
I'm not smoking with you.

Come on.

Light that thing up.

Let us see if it is
really a gateway drug.

- Oh, it is.

A gateway to awesome.

[coughs]

- [laughs]

- Oh, thank you.

[laughs]

Hey, you-would you like
to hear something

that I've never told anyone
ever?

- Yes.

- Freshman year, I though that
parent-teacher night meant

that Mrs. Wylie was going to be
staying at my house for a night

while my parents went away.

- [laughs]

You would have
to bomb your house

to get rid of the stench
of her perfume.

- [laughs]
Oh, God.

How did we become friends?

- You don't remember?

- No, it's not
that I don't remember.

It just...

It feels
like you've always been here.

Sorry.

Weed must make me
uncomfortably deep.

- Uh-huh.

Um, I was in the third grade.

And I was the new girl,
the giant 5'3" new girl.

And you were the only one
who didn't laugh at me.

- I was too scared to laugh.

YOU were enormous.

- Oh.

_ He)',

no matter where we end up
next year,

we have to watch
the spelling bee together.

- Of course we will.

- I'm really sorry
that I blew you off this time.

I'll never do it again.

- When did you blow me off?

- I meant...

Uh, I meant to say
I would never blow you off.

Sorry.

This stuff must really be
killing brain cells.

- It's nice to get out like this
once in a while.

You know, get out of class,
live a little.

- Yeah.

We should have done something
like this sooner.

I always wanted to.

- Mm-hmm.

- You know what?

Come on.

- Where are we going?

- There's something else
I've always wanted to do.

- [snoring]

- Here.

It's pretty good
but kind of illegal.

[knocking]

- Oh, God.

[grunting]

[knocking]

Hold on.

[toilet flushes]

Oh, hi, Mr. Hughes.

- Rob.

This is the teachers' lounge.

- Yeah, I know.

Hey, you wouldn't happen to have
a match or anything?

Would you?
No?

All right.
Cool.

Well, um,
I should probably get going.

But you should probably flush
again, just in case.

- What was it like in there?

- It was very comfortable.

There's a great selection
of reading material.

- Hmm.

I fucking love doughnuts.

- All I'm saying is that
you have an inner strength

that, one day, I hope to have.

- Thank you.
- Shh, hey.

Don't thank me.

Okay, because I am not important
right now.

My interview,
that is not important.

- I'm never gonna forget you.

- I know.

- [laughing]

- Hey!

- Whoo!

- What the fuck was that?

- Two men connecting.

- Okay, cut the shit.
What is up with you today?

- Gabs and I are worried.
- I'm not worried.

- Dude, I've told you.
You don't get it.

- When did you tell me?

- Three this mornings ago.
It's okay, okay?

Because I didn't really get it
either.

But I do now.

Today is a gift.

Come on.
I just got an idea.

- Okay, so as I told you guys
yesterday,

tomorrow's quiz will be on
chapters five through seven.

And what you want to look-

Mr. Crabbe,
your class was two periods ago.

You missed it.

- I know.
I was taking a shit.

- Excuse me?

- Oh, my God.
- What is he doing?

- They're very firm, Stanley.

Like, SPOnQY-

Does that mean they're fake?

Thank you.

- I think I smoked
too much weed.

Did hejust feel up
Miss Hartnett?

- Mm-hmm.
I think she called the cops.

- It was worth it.

Are these seats taken, Sally?

It has been a long time.

' [groans]

- That was for the fourth grade.

[laughing]
Right?

Oh, shit.

- [shrieking]

[grovws]

[shrieks]

[growling]

[crowd cheering]

- Save yourself, Rob!
Grab her tit!

- [groans]
I'm grabbing your tit!

I'm grabbing
your tit!

- Squeeze it
till milk comes out!

- [screaming]

- L'r'n sorry!

' [Screaming]
- Fm sorry!

- I'm sorry, Sally.
I'm a big fan.

- [grovws]
' [groans]

All: Ooh!

- [groaning]
- [screaming]

' [grunts]

- [shrieking]

- Sally!

- [shrieking]

[knocking]

- Have a seat, Rob.

I don't know what to say.

You're one of my favorite
students.

- Really?

We've barely met.

- Yeah, exactly.

I love the students
I don't have to meet.

Meeting you guys
is the worst part of my job.

Do you mind if I eat?

It's gonna be a while
before the cops get here.

- The Cops?

- Yes.
The cops.

- Jeez.

- You grabbed Miss Hartnetfs
breast.

That's sexual assault.

I mean, don't flatter yourself.

They're also coming
for some moron bus driver

who's toking it up
in one of the parked vehicles.

But you're the main focus.

So I don't mean to be flippant
about your situation,

but in an overcrowded
public school like this,

if one of you students wants

to flush your future
down the crapper

and I get to expel you,

lam not losing my appetite
overthat.

- Shit.

- Fuck.

All right, let's run down
the hit list.

You molested a teacher,

you sexually harassed
a female freshman student

and a male hall monitor,

and then-

[laughs]
This is funny-

You got in a fight with a girl
and you lost.

- She curb-stomped my genitals
with her shoes.

- Mm-hmm.

And then I called your mom.

Your mom and dad
are on their way, by the way.

And she says she caught you
masturbating this morning.

- It was a wet dream.
I wasn't masturbating.

- Whatever.

Seems like, to me,

you're going for a varsity
letter in sexual deviancy.

- Can I go to the bathroom?

- Yeah, in your pants.

'Cause you're not leaving
this office.

All right.

Let's take a look.

I can't figure out what'd make
a boy like you snap.

I mean, up to this point,
no missteps.

What would make a boy like you
do what you did?

I mean, it's big question.

Is society at fault?

Probably.

Have you got bad wiring?

Were you not hugged enough
as a kid?

Rob, Rob, Robbie...

I mean, what is it?

You take Paxil or something?

Maybe it's your home life.

I don't know.

Maybe you have horrible parents.

But here is the hard truth

that America is not prepared
to admit:

We're all just filthy animals.

And to expect us to play
by the prude rules...

That's ri-goddamn-diculous!

I mean, what you did
to Miss Hartnett...

We're all thinking about it.

As long as you don't sell crack
or burn the campus down,

I really don't care if you play
a little ass-grab.

But I mean, hell,
if I had the budget,

I would build us
a windowless room

where you perverts
could just go in there

and poke and grab all day long.

And I'd make it all out
of cement,

you know, so you could hose down
all the fluids.

Come on.

Is that semen?

- It's just little mayo.

[bell ringing]

- My daughter made me
that sandwich!

That's a special sandwich,
you little pervert!

- Oh.

' [grunts]

- Oh.
- Cops are here.

- Yeah, I know.

Dude, you got to get me
out of here.

- Come on.

- Uh, you do know

that you're in the girls' locker
room, don't you?

- Tell that
to your Adam's apple.

- Uh, sorry.

- Hide here
till it's safe to leave.

- What?
- Don't go anywhere.

- Come on.

What the fuck
is wrong with you?

- Are you talking to me?

- No, I was yelling at my dick
because it won't get hard.

- There's a guy in there.
I think he's-

- Molesting himself?

It sure sounds like it.

You want to watch?

[whispering] Hey, man.
What the fuck are you doing?

- I really need to jerk off,
but it's not working.

And I think I might have
broken it.

- Wait.
Why do you need to jerk off?

- Dude, I really don't have time
to explain right now.

Just help me
or get the fuck away.

- [in falsetto]
You want to fuck me, sir?

I fuck you first one free.

I give you all my holes.

Even brown one.

- Stanley?

- Yeah?

- What the fuck are you doing?

- I'm trying to help.

I'm an Asian.
Asian seems right, no?

[in falsetto] Put your egg roll
in my sticky bun.

Ooh, we do fuckie-fuckie.

Fuckie now.
Let's do fuckie-fuckie.

- Shut the heH up!

- You shut the hell up!

- Stanley, come on.
Stop, man.

I really need to focus.

- [in falsetto] No, no.
Do me!

Do me doggy-style!

Then we eat dog!

Woof.

- Come on, man, please, stop.
You're ruining it.

- [in falsetto]
No, you stop, Mr. American.

Choke me!

Choke me.

Choke me.

[in low voice]
You fuck her from the front, G.

L'ma fuck her from the back.

Yeah.

- What the hell is that?

- It's the only other voice
loan do.

- I'm gonna go find the cops.

Maybe getting raped in jail's
gonna do the trick.

Oh, no.

- [grovws]

_ [groaning]

[whimpering]

- Just throw the sheets
in the laundry, hon.

- You've got to be fucking
kidding me!

- What was that, Robert?

You got to be fucking
kidding me!

Look at yourself!

- I'm sorry, Mom.

- [sighs]

I can't believe
this is my fucking life.

- [screaming]

- You're not gonna lock
your bike up?

- Hey, GUYS-

- What time are you flying out,
Artie?

- Funny, Stanley.

Too bad the Special Olympics

doesn't have
a comedy competition.

So, Rob, Gabrielle told me
your Georgetown interview is...

both: Today.

- And, no,
I don't want to drop your name.

I mean, I could, but, you know,

I'd rather not be associated
with you.

- Rob.

What's wrong?
Is it...

- It's not the interview.

- You want to talk about it?

- I'm good.

- Well, it's bee day, right?

- Yeah, about that,
I have to cancel.

- Really?

Just like that?

- Yes, just like that.

- Aw.

- I don't know
what's going on here,

but promise me you'll turn the
darkness off for your interview.

- Why?

- 'Cause you worked
your ass off for it.

And I need to know you're
not going to throw it away.

If I have to do the interview
with you, I will.

- Stop fucking around, man.

I'm not-

I'm not in a good place
right now.

- I'm not fucking around.

You're my best friend.

I'd do anything for you.

- Do you mean that?
- Yeah, I mean that.

- I mean, 'cause you've never
really told me that before.

- Well, I never knew I had to.

- I don't know.

You're just...

You're always so vulgar,
you know?

- I bury my emotions.

It's a defense mechanism.

- I'm gonna hug you now.

- I know.

- Hey, GUYS-

- Oh, hey.
- Hi, Angela.

- Angela, how are you?

- Why are you guys hugging?

- It's 2013, Angela.
Men hug now, you know.

Deal with it.

- So, Rob.

Um, I was gonna come find you
later,

but since you're here,

I know our tutoring session
isn't technically

supposed to be until Thursday,
but-

- Tonight, um...

Yeah, sure.

- Great.

And could we do it at my house?

- If we have to.

- Perfect.

Come over around 7:00.

- Great.
- Nice hoodie.

- Tracing the man's slow fall
into madness.

I'll start reading,

and then we'll go around
the room counterclockwise.

Okay, let's get started.

Mr. Crabbe, would you mind
taking your seat

so we can begin?

- Oh, no.

If it's okay,
I'm going to stand.

- No, it's not okay.

- [exhales]

[knocking]

- I need Rob Crabbe
to the main office.

- Oh, wow.
Aren't you glad I took my seat?

- As I recite the poem out loud,

listen for the repetition
of the word...

- Gabs?

Hmm.

- Mr. Crabbe, good to meet you,
young man.

How's your day going?

- Not gonna lie.

This day has been a never-ending
clusterfuck.

- Well, I'm sorry to hear that.

- But as I've learned

in the light of some recent
difficult events,

each day is a gift.

- Yeah.

It is a gift you can't return.

- You have a very impressive
application.

- Everything on there
was designed to solicit

that exact response.

- What?

- I've lived to get
into this school.

You know, I even have a set
of perfectly scripted responses

to virtually every question
you could ever ask?

Hell, at one point,

I was so nervous,

I might have even overperformed.

But not now.

- Why?
Why not now?

- I could tell you,
but you'd never believe me.

- Is it the pressure?

Because I can tell you,
you're a lock for our school.

Is it a girl?

Is it a girl?

I can tell you,
there's gonna be others.

There will, and when the right
one presents herself,

she will-

- Oh, God.

I was really hoping
you wouldn't cry this time.

- [sniffles]

What?
- Nothing.

Here's the problem.

There are certain things
that I thought I wanted,

like getting into Georgetown

or fucking Angela Yearwood,

but then I realized

I don't actually want
any of those things.

- Uh.

- Other people just want them
for me.

- Having sex is nothing
you should take lightly.

- I know that.

I've had, like, seven orgasms so
far today, so.

- Holy shit.

- How'd it go?

Look on the bright side.

Tonight you get to have sex
with Angela Yearwood.

- No, the worst part is,
I don't.

[doorbell rings]

. HEY-

I thought you had to cancel.

- Can I come in?

I'm not good.

And I don't even get
to actually have sex.

I just orgasm prematurely,

and then I wake up
back in my room.

And then my mom comes in
to find me

sitting on a massive wet spot.

Do you believe me?

- Only the part about
you waking up

with a massive wet spot
every morning.

- Gabs.

I know that this sounds
fucking crazy,

but I'm serious.

- Okay.
What am I gonna say now?

- Well, I don't know.

I haven't done this part yet.

- Oh, okay.
So every day is not the same.

You can do different things.

- Yes, but, inevitably,

I have...

an orgasm.

- Okay. All right.
That's great.

- You got to believe me.

- I don't, but I'm worried
about you now,

so walk me through
this never-ending day.

- Okay.
Well, I wake up.

- Just throw the sheets in...
- Smell of a champion.

- Rob.
- Hi, guys.

[water sq u I rts]

- A mammogram.
- Nevermore.

- Rob Crabbe.
- Wongjongkam.

- [snif?ing]
- No.

[tires screeching]

- Can {confess something
to you?

- Nice.
- Kaboom.

- And that's
all you can think of?

- Well, one time, Sally Levinson
kicked an orgasm out of me.

But those are the constants.

- Right.

- Look, it's getting late,

and I have a test tomorrow.

- Gabs, come on.
Okay, please.

Please help me.

- Look, if you're just gonna
live this day over again,

you got to tell me earlier,
like, third period.

- And have you not believe me
again?

Thanks.

- Okay, look.

Just-if you want me
to believe you,

when you tell me your story,

just mention the Abraham Lincoln
sex fantasy.

And I will believe you.

- Ew.

You have an Abraham Lincoln
sex fantasy?

- I had a dream where
he emancipated my G-spot.

It was unforgettable.

- Oh, my God.

- Okay, do you want my help
or not?

- Just forget it.

- We do have one other option.

We can talk to the smartest
person I know.

- You've come to me for help.

Pardon me while I savor
this moment.

- I told you
this was a bad idea.

- Just wait.

Arthur,
we really need your help.

- While I applaud your decision
to discuss the matter with me,

I have little experience
with mental illness.

Also, he's a dick.

- [speaking foreign language]

- [speaking foreign language]

- [speaking foreign language]

[both speaking foreign language]

- I'm sorry, guys,

but my mom says you have to
leave before my nana sees you.

- Why?
What's up with your nana?

- [speaking foreign language]

[all screaming]

- [screaming]
Mama!

- [speaking foreign language]

' [groans]

- Mama?

- Is she dead?

[all screaming]

- No!
Get her off of me!

Get her off of me!

[all screaming]

- Get her off!

Get her, oh...

[moaning]

Jadoogar.

- [slurping]

Where are you going?
- School.

- Not like that.

- It's okay.
I get a do-over.

- Hey, Arthur.

- Oh, hey, Rob,
lgot beer for tonight.

- I need to talk to you.

- I'm pretty busy.

- Are you okay?

- No, I'm not okay.

I'm stuck in the same day,

and it's a fucking hell
that you can't even fathom,

and it just keeps happening.

I wake up,

life kicks the shit out of me,

and then I have an orgasm,

and then I live the same day
all over again,

and I know that that sounds
crazy, but it's true,

and I think that this little
fucker can explain it to me.

- Wow, I've never seen
a mid-life crisis before.

- He's 'I 7.

- I always saw him going young,

drugs or a plane crash.

Anyway, I hope it works out,
Rob.

- Whoa, whoa, okay.
- Watch it.

These fibers are delicate.

- All right, so he's,
like, five.

- Hey, no!
- Hey!

- Hey, get back here!
- Rob!

- Get back here,
you little shit!

Arthur!

Arthur!

Oh, God.
Oh, God.

Mm.

- He's in there.

I'll give you two minutes.

But make it rough on him.

I'm talking "slamming balls
on the toilet seat" rough.

Hey, whoa, whoa.

Uh, maintenance.
Keep it moving.

- But it's an emergency.

- I'll fucking kill you.

[water gurgling]

- Please stop!
Someonejust pooped in here.

I can smell it!

- What does a jadoogar mean?

- Wait, what?

[water gurgling]

- What does jadoogar mean?

- "Curse."
I think it means "curse"!

- What kind of curse?

- Like ajinx.

[water gurgling]

- How do I get rid of one?

- How should I know?

- Because your grandma
put it on me.

- That's crazy.

My nana doesn't even know
who you are.

- Your nana put a fucking
jadoogar on me!

- No, no way.

[panting]

Please don't dunk me again.

I can feel sores opening up
on my lips and in my mouth.

[crying]

- Here.

- If I had a knife, I'd
stab you in the fucking throat.

- Have you checked
your voice-mail?

- Are you okay?

- The most amazing thing
happened to me this morning.

- I'm cursed.

- What do you mean,
you're cursed?

- That first generation asshole
just told me that I'm cursed

and that this fucking shit storm
of a day

is just gonna keep repeating.

- That's ridiculous.
- You know what's ridiculous?

Is wanting to have
sexual intercourse

with Abraham Lincoln.

- How do you know about that?

- Because I have been through
every nook and cranny

today has to offer.

You told me to say it
at 9:00 tonight, yesterday.

And then I blew a load
on Arthur's mom's ample chest,

and then I woke up
back where I started.

- Whatever.
Dude, listen, this morning-

- Lisa's Jizz Jedi.
Nobody cares right now.

- Not like a curse
is such a big deal.

- Well, if it's not,
then solve it for me.

- Okay.
It's pretty simple.

A curse is the universe trying

to make you right
a cosmic wrong.

You have to figure out what made
the curse start and fix it.

- And how do you know that?

- Duh.
The Curse of the Bambino.

By some sort of divine
intervention,

the Boston Red Sox
got Babe Ruth.

And they traded him
to the Yankees.

To break the curse,
they had to beat the Yanks.

It took them over 8O fucking
years, but they fixed it.

The universe is a cruel bitch.

- You know, Stanley,

you can always say,
"I don't know"

every once in a while.

You don't always have
to bullshit

every time there's a pause
in the conversation.

- Oh, well,
if you have a better idea,

why are you still stuck
in the same fucking day?

Curses are bullshit.

Now say sorry and go conquer

that which has been
unconquerable.

- Angela.

[bell ringing]

I got to go.
- Hey!

- Dude, I'm still waiting
for the apology.

- Kids, tomorrow I'm going to be
outwith a substitute.

And the next day,
I'm going to have a big story

to tell you
all about my mammogram.

- Uh, Miss Marconi?
- Rob?

- Angela is wanted down
at the main office.

- Do you have a pass?

- No.

- Then she can't go with you.

- Uh, fine.

Angela, tonight...

lam coming over
and not for tutoring.

- Rob.

- What?

- Spelling bee.

- Seriously?
The spelling bee?

You okay with that?

- Sure.

- You may continue your class
now.

Okay, I need you to tell me
everything you know

about pleasing a woman.

Jesus.

It's like the Bill Belichick
of lady parts.

Promise me you won't watch.

- I can make no such promises.

Oh, motherfucker.

- What made you do this?

- You know, I wanted to for,
like, the longest time.

And it felt like you were
finally starting to notice me.

You know?

Like, maybe the universe
wanted this to happen.

- [laughs]

This is really nice.

Usually, I'm with older guys,
so.

- Yeah, well, I am more romance,
less body hair, so.

- [laughs]

You know what could be
really fun'?

If we stopped studying
altogether and just did this.

- [laughs]
Okay.

- That way, I mean,
you just have to, like,

hook me up with cheat sheets

and write my papers for me.

- [laughs]

But I tutor you.

- Yeah, but isn't this better?

I mean, we can have fun
during our study sessions,

and then you can go home
and do my work after.

- Okay, but...

You don't ever have to act cool
around me.

- What?

- I thought
that's why you like me.

That, and I make you feel safe.

- I never said that.

- You're right.

Um...

Look, Angela,

you are obviously very,
very hot.

But you know what?

This never works out.

I mean, I have tried to have sex
with you, like, six times.

And I'm done.

I mean, I don't know
where I'm supposed to be,

but it is definitely not here.

And, I'm sorry,
white Zinfandel?

What are you,
like, 45?

- Okay, then you can
get the fuck out of here.

- Will do.

- Dick.

White zin's delish.

- That was quick.
- Go fuck yourself.

- [whimpers]

- [sighs]

- I talked to my buddies
in Admissions.

You don't think
I would have found out

that you blew off the interview?

- How'd you even find me?

- I went to Gabrielle's to tear
you away from the spelling bee.

She told me you went over
to "What's-Her-Slut's,"

her words.

- Dad, it has been
a really long day.

- Well, it's not over yet.

Here.

Put this on.

- There he is.

- Oh, Jesus.

Okay.

Get your game face on.

Jack Roth?

- Yeah?

- I'm Jim Crabbe.

This is my son, Rob.

We talked on the phone before.

- Right.

Right.

Have a seat.

- Great.

Thanks for seeing us
before you left town.

- Jim,
could you go get us some scotch?

Couple scotches?

Service here is shit.

- Oh, sure.
Okay.

What'll you have?

- Dewar's on the rocks
with a twist.

Make it a double.

Your dad really wants you
to go to Georgetown.

- Yeah.

- Do you?

What's going through your mind
right now?

- Just that I can't wait
for this day to be over.

- You and me both.

My cat shits outside of the box.

Not down the hall
or in the basement

or in my bed,

just right outside of the box.

It's a big fuck you.

- Yeah, what's up with that?

- My wife passed away
a few months ago.

And the cat really loved her.

He wishes I had died
instead of her.

That's what he's saying.

- Have you ever considered

that maybe your cat's
just an asshole?

- He is an asshole.

Thank you.

- There we go.

- Jim, I was just asking
your son

why he wants to go
to Georgetown,

but I would like to hear it
from you?

Why do you want him to go
to Georgetown?

- Well, my going there

was the transformative
experience of my life.

- And you just assumed
that what was best for you

is also the best for him?

- Let me put it this way.

I had a choice.

It was either Georgetown
or Yale.

- Why did you choose Georgetown?

- I actually-

I didn't choose it.

Georgetown gave me
a scholarship.

Sometimes the universe
has a way of helping

when you're about to make
a mistake.

- You're on fire tonight.

Let's get some more drinks.

- Yeah, I'll get them.
I'll get them.

. Okay"

- Is it French?

- Yes.

- Can I have the definition,
please?

Can you use it in a sentence,
please?

- ft has been debated whether
the events of our fives

are foreordained or the product
of our own free Will.

- I don't want to go
to Georgetown.

- But...

- Don't react.

Just feel.

- Maybe I'll want to go,
maybe not.

It doesn't matter.

I'll go to a good school
no matter what.

But the only thing I know
right now is

that I really like Gabrielle.

Like, a lot.

And every time today plays out,

I fuck it up.

And I'm not gonna let it happen
again.

Gabrielle is my Georgetown.

- I have no idea what that
means, but I support you.

- [exhales]

- It's gonna be okay.

- Can I have my headband back?

- Yeah.

- Looks better on you.

- Thanks, Jack.

- Let's go get
that fucking girl!

- Okeydoke.
- Yeah.

- Get in.

- Can you drive?

- Sure.
- Okay.

- Why don't we get some fries
too?

- Okay, so what do I do?

- It's too late to knock.
- Which one is her window?

The light's still flickering.

Okay.

Yes.

During your darkest time,

why was there only one set
of footprints in the sand?

- What?

- Because I carried you,
brother.

Get over here.

- What are we doing?

- You're gonna need a boost.

- What are you doing?

- I need to talk to you.

I didn't have sex
with Angela.

- O-N-O-

- Did you hear me?

- Yeah.
- U-S.

- You didn't bang
the school slut.

What a hero.
- Autochthonous.

- Get the fuck out of my room.
- That is correct.

- Gabs, come on.

Stop it.
Okay?

- Really?

- I'll buy you a new one.

Just listen,
okay?

When I woke up this morning,

I expected to be here tonight.

I mean,
I couldn't imagine a scenario

where I wouldn't have been.

But I lost sight of that.

But I'm here now,

curse OF no curse.

- Rob.

How's it going up there?

- Who's that?

- That is my Georgetown
interviewer.

- Rob, how's it going?

With the girl?

- What are they doing here?

- We had a drink at the hotel.
Shit got deep.

Just listen, okay?

I thought that I had feelings
for Angela.

- Rob, leave.

- Well, just let me finish.
Angela is-

- [growls]
This isn't about Angela.

Just get out.

- I'm not going anywhere.

- Okay, fine.

I can end this.
I just have to finish you off.

Then you're out of my room,
and you're back in yours.

Okay?
- What?

- Let's go.
Come on.

Come on.
- Whoa.

Don't do that.

Hey, whoa.
Hold on.

Don't do that.
- It'll be over really fast.

- Gabs, seriously, stop.
Don't touch me!

- 'Cause that's not hurtful.

- Well, if you would just-
Gabrielle, what are you doing?

- Take off your pants
so I can be alone.

- Gabrielle!
Oh, shit.

- Hi, Dad.

- Oh, thank God, sir.

Please don't leave

because your daughter...

She was trying to take advantage
of me.

And, uh,
I just want to assure you

that I do not wish to do
anything physical

with or to her...

right now.

- I would feel a lot better
about this

if you put your shirt back on,
dear.

- Yeah, sure.

Here you go.

So, look, I'll leave
if that's what you want,

but I just want to say,

um...

I don't know what I'd do
without you.

I mean, you're like the only way

that I can get through the day.

Every night,
before I go to sleep,

I check to see
if you've texted me.

I mean,
you were the one who told me

to stop wearing white socks
with black pants.

- It's not a good look.

- You give me raisins
in third period

so my blood sugar
doesn't go low.

- You don't eat properly.

- You download Hall and Oates
songs onto my phone.

- That started as a joke,

but now I like them.

- Me too.

- I love H and O.

- Look, today has been terrible,
Gabrielle,

each version of it,

but it's been worth it

because today's the day

I finally realized
how much I like you.

And now all I want to do

is just sit

several feet away from you

and watch the spelling bee.

But I obviously ruined all that.

So...

I'm just going to leave the way
lcame in

and hope I get another shot
at it.

Oh, shit.

- So...

You're at that age,

you're gonna start
having feelings.

- Dad, I'd really be
more comfortable

talking to Mom about this.

- Great.
She'll be home later.

- Just go ahead and jump.

Just count to three and do it.

- Yeah, but you're gonna want
to tuck and roll when you hit.

Go for a break,
not a sprain.

Heals faster.

- That's reassuring.

Okay, three...

Two...

- You want to watch the rest
of the spelling bee?

- Yeah.

Can you help me up now, please?

- Yeah, yes, I can.
- Thank you.

[both laughing]

- Love is alive!

- Use it in a sentence?

- Ooh, this one looks young.

- Yeah, yeah,
it's his first bee.

- Is the language of origin
French?

- Origin.

That is a great stall.

Don't spell it till you know it.

- Oh, no, he's imploding.

- Oh, God.
I can't watch.

- Oh, don't be such a pussy.
Come on.

- Mm-mm.
No, I'm not gonna watch.

- Come on, don't be so-
Oh, wow.

No, okay.
You know what?

That's really bad.

[laughs]

[indistinct television chatter]

- Does anyone know
Where his mother is?

- I've liked you
since we first met.

- When I had my lisp?

- [lisping]
Yes.

I was gonna tell you tonight,

and then I was hoping
that the beer would help

and not make me burp.

[laughs]

I was always hoping that we'd be
each other's firsts.

- Me too.

- What do you think's going on
in there?

- It feels kind of weird.

- Shush.

Did you hear that?

- This feels awkward.

- I feel unusually comfortable.

. Okay"

- [laughs]

- Should we?

- Yes.

- I mean, like, now?

- Okay, but you should know I
haven't had the best luck with-

- Rob, just try and relax.

- Oh, no.
Oh, God.

[moaning]

I'm sorry.

[moans]

[shuddering]

[shuddering]

[gasps]

- Rob.

What happened?

I mean, besides the obvious.

- I'm not in my bed.

I'm in your bed.

And my mom's not here.

- Do you need raisins?

- No.

I don't need anything.

I am right
where I'm supposed to be.

- You know what?

- What?

- We should have done something
like this sooner.

- I've always wanted to.

- [laughs]

Let's try it again.

[cheers and applause]

[Waving Tongue Tied
by Grouplove]

II

- That is correct.
We have a champion!

[cheers and applause]

- Ya y!

- I Take me to
your best friend's house I

I Go around �us roundabout I

I Oh, yeah I

I Take me to your best ff ends
house I

I I loved you then,
and I love you nowl

I Oh, yeah I

I Don't take me tongue-tied I

I Don't wave I

- So why do you want to go
to Georgetown?

- George who?

- Smart, beautiful-

You're exactly what Georgetown
needs.

- Are you married?

- No, not anymore.

My wife is dead.

[laughing]

- I We're making out I

I Oh, yeah I

I Take me to your best ff ends
house I

- She curb-stomped my genitals
with her shoes.

- You should have punched her
in the pussy.

- [laughing]

Herder!

- Do it!

- Give her a tit bruise!

- Give her a tit bruise!

- Squeeze her tit
until milk comes out!

- [in falsetto]
Hi, Daddy.

[laughing]

No, I can do this.

[in falsetto] Hi, Daddy.
Welcome to my pu-pu platter.

[laughing]
Fuck.

[in falsetto]
I do anything.

Anything.

Put finger in my butt
and make me puppet.

I help you jerk off.

I make you explode.

- [in falsetto]
Do me doggy-style.

Then We eat dog.

- [laughing]

- I've had, like, seven orgasms
so far today.

- Seven?

That's three more than me.

Seven?

You have to come to Georgetown.

You can make a lot of money,
young man.

That is so-
wow.

[laughing]
Selling it?

[both moaning and whimpering]

[both laughing]

- I Oh, yeah I

I Take me to your best ff ends
house I

I I loved you then,
and I love you nowl

I Don't leave me tongue-tied I

I Don't wave no good-byes I

I Don't leave me tongue-tied I

I Don't I

I Don't leave me tongue-tied I

I Don't wave no good-bye I

I Don't leave me tongue-tied I

I Don't I

I Yeah, yeah, yeah I

II

I Yeah, yeah I

II