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1
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We're not going out
2
00:00:03,500 --> 00:00:05,300
Not staying in
3
00:00:05,500 --> 00:00:08,458
Just hanging around
with my head in a spin
4
00:00:08,460 --> 00:00:11,009
But there is no need
to scream and shout
5
00:00:11,020 --> 00:00:13,660
We're not going out
6
00:00:14,460 --> 00:00:18,055
We are not going out.
7
00:00:20,700 --> 00:00:23,260
TRAIN HOOTS
8
00:00:30,980 --> 00:00:34,018
Wonder why people love
first-class so much.
9
00:00:34,020 --> 00:00:36,091
You wouldn't normally find me
in here.
10
00:00:36,100 --> 00:00:38,535
I think you've answered
your own question there.
11
00:00:41,660 --> 00:00:46,018
Well, I love it. I feel like the
heroine in a romantic film
12
00:00:46,020 --> 00:00:48,773
Like Brief Encounter
or Doctor Zhivago...
13
00:00:48,780 --> 00:00:50,168
Or Trainspotting.
14
00:00:50,180 --> 00:00:52,569
That's not a romantic film, Mum.
15
00:00:52,580 --> 00:00:54,412
No, but there is lots of heroin.
16
00:00:55,460 --> 00:00:58,168
Thank you so much for this.
It's 50 generous of you both.
17
00:00:58,340 --> 00:01:01,219
We thought a day out to remember
was better than just
18
00:01:01,220 --> 00:01:03,291
boring old flowers and chocolates.
19
00:01:03,780 --> 00:01:06,818
What did you get for Lucy
this year, Lee?
20
00:01:07,340 --> 00:01:09,456
I think, you know, Jeffrey.
21
00:01:09,700 --> 00:01:12,260
And thank you both
for coming along.
22
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Our pleasure.
23
00:01:13,500 --> 00:01:15,696
When I told Anna we were going
on a steam train trip,
24
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she was chuffed.
25
00:01:19,100 --> 00:01:22,138
In fact,
she was chuff, chuff, chuffed!
26
00:01:24,340 --> 00:01:27,378
Anyway, we thought we'd book the
last two seats in your compartment,
27
00:01:27,380 --> 00:01:30,179
otherwise you wouldn't know
who you might end up sharing with.
28
00:01:30,180 --> 00:01:32,649
Yes, you could have found yourself
spending the whole journey
29
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staring across at someone
who really irritates you.
30
00:01:36,100 --> 00:01:38,774
Wasn't that a lovely lunch
in the dining car?
31
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Unforgettable.
32
00:01:40,900 --> 00:01:43,369
I certainly won't forget
watching Lee eating.
33
00:01:43,380 --> 00:01:45,974
I know you. You can't
take him anywhere.
34
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And yet you have to.
35
00:01:47,900 --> 00:01:50,460
Well, I certainly
won't be forgetting lunch.
36
00:01:50,460 --> 00:01:52,098
Oh, for God's sake, Lee.
37
00:01:52,100 --> 00:01:53,738
Well, that's not like you.
38
00:01:53,740 --> 00:01:56,254
It's not theft.
39
00:01:56,260 --> 00:01:57,898
I mean using cutlery.
40
00:01:58,140 --> 00:02:00,416
At least put it in your bag, Lee.
41
00:02:12,780 --> 00:02:14,373
Oh...
42
00:02:20,700 --> 00:02:22,816
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
43
00:02:22,820 --> 00:02:24,777
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT AGAIN
44
00:02:28,820 --> 00:02:32,017
You might want to see a doctor
about that, mate, sounds nasty.
45
00:02:32,020 --> 00:02:34,409
Excuse me. I think you might...
46
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.might be in my seat.
47
00:02:35,820 --> 00:02:37,333
Sorry, I'll budge up one.
48
00:02:37,340 --> 00:02:39,729
Well, actually,
there's someone in that one as well
49
00:02:39,740 --> 00:02:41,413
Could you budge you up two, please?
50
00:02:41,420 --> 00:02:43,457
Then I'd be on the railway track.
51
00:02:43,460 --> 00:02:45,098
Budge up, Lucy.
52
00:02:45,460 --> 00:02:47,337
Oh, is that one reserved as well?
53
00:02:47,340 --> 00:02:48,489
Reserved?
54
00:02:48,500 --> 00:02:50,093
He's emotionally constipated.
55
00:02:52,740 --> 00:02:54,174
Sorry.
56
00:02:55,300 --> 00:02:57,610
Bit of an elephant in the room here.
57
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No wonder no-one can find a seat!
58
00:03:04,260 --> 00:03:08,094
I mean that this compartment,
it's, it's completely full.
59
00:03:08,100 --> 00:03:09,659
Lee?
60
00:03:09,660 --> 00:03:11,810
Oh, maybe he's allowed
to sit where he likes
61
00:03:11,820 --> 00:03:14,334
because of his, um, condition.
62
00:03:14,340 --> 00:03:15,933
Condition?
63
00:03:15,940 --> 00:03:19,171
You know, because you're...blind.
64
00:03:19,180 --> 00:03:20,898
Oh, thank God for that.
65
00:03:20,900 --> 00:03:23,494
I thought this tunnel
was going on a bit!
66
00:03:23,980 --> 00:03:26,256
Sorry, we haven't
even introduced ourselves.
67
00:03:26,260 --> 00:03:28,331
There are six of us in here.
68
00:03:28,820 --> 00:03:31,414
Three men and three women.
69
00:03:32,020 --> 00:03:35,411
I guessed it wasn't just two people
with multiple personalities.
70
00:03:35,420 --> 00:03:37,934
And you're in a train compartment,
71
00:03:37,940 --> 00:03:39,419
Good God!
72
00:03:42,100 --> 00:03:45,172
Jeffrey is putting his head
in his hands.
73
00:03:45,180 --> 00:03:47,057
What are you doing, woman?
74
00:03:47,060 --> 00:03:48,971
I'm trying to include our quest.
75
00:03:48,980 --> 00:03:50,698
Guest? He's not staying,
76
00:03:52,540 --> 00:03:55,054
It's a thing they do for people
with restricted vision.
77
00:03:55,060 --> 00:03:57,017
It's called audible subscription.
78
00:03:57,020 --> 00:03:58,897
Audio description.
79
00:03:59,140 --> 00:04:00,528
I'm Wendy.
80
00:04:00,820 --> 00:04:02,618
Next to you is my daughter, Lucy.
81
00:04:02,740 --> 00:04:04,572
We're all here for her birthday.
82
00:04:05,060 --> 00:04:07,097
Oh, happy birthday, Lucy.
83
00:04:07,100 --> 00:04:08,693
Special one, I assume?
84
00:04:08,700 --> 00:04:10,532
Let me guess. 212
85
00:04:10,540 --> 00:04:11,939
Charmer.
86
00:04:12,100 --> 00:04:14,489
That's only a compliment
if he can actually see you.
87
00:04:16,340 --> 00:04:18,729
Lucy is glaring at Lee.
88
00:04:19,420 --> 00:04:22,731
For heaven's sake, woman,
is there a button you can press
89
00:04:22,740 --> 00:04:24,777
to turn the audio description off?
90
00:04:24,780 --> 00:04:26,691
Apologies about Jeffrey.
91
00:04:26,700 --> 00:04:28,498
He lacks a certain je ne sais quoi.
92
00:04:28,500 --> 00:04:29,854
Great.
93
00:04:29,860 --> 00:04:33,057
Now someone's pressed
the foreign language button.
94
00:04:33,420 --> 00:04:36,936
I'm a little older than 21,
actually.
95
00:04:36,940 --> 00:04:38,658
Oh, surely not.
96
00:04:38,660 --> 00:04:40,697
You've got a very young voice.
97
00:04:40,700 --> 00:04:41,974
Maybe I should feel your face.
98
00:04:41,980 --> 00:04:43,129
No, thank you.
99
00:04:44,180 --> 00:04:47,377
So I'm assuming
that you're Lucy's dad?
100
00:04:47,380 --> 00:04:49,053
No, I'm her husband.
101
00:04:49,060 --> 00:04:50,175
Oh, sorry.
102
00:04:50,180 --> 00:04:52,808
I didn't realise you were blind
as well, Lucy.
103
00:04:55,900 --> 00:04:59,052
Lucy's dad, Jeffrey is
sitting next to me.
104
00:04:59,100 --> 00:05:02,456
That's directly opposite you
and one place to the right.
105
00:05:02,460 --> 00:05:05,578
We're saying a quick hello,
not playing battleships.
106
00:05:07,940 --> 00:05:12,457
Next door but one to you is Anna.
Sat opposite her is Toby.
107
00:05:12,460 --> 00:05:13,780
They're friends...
108
00:05:13,780 --> 00:05:15,578
Of Lucy, not each other.
109
00:05:15,580 --> 00:05:16,934
I'm Martin.
110
00:05:16,940 --> 00:05:18,658
Hello, Martin.
111
00:05:19,820 --> 00:05:21,299
Hello, Martin.
112
00:05:24,660 --> 00:05:28,574
Right, well, it has been
lovely meeting you.
113
00:05:28,580 --> 00:05:31,459
Yeah, I should leave you all
in peace, I suppose.
114
00:05:31,460 --> 00:05:33,133
Are you going to be OK?
115
00:05:33,140 --> 00:05:35,780
Maybe I can walk down the train
with you and help you find a seat.
116
00:05:35,780 --> 00:05:37,737
I'll be fine, thanks, Lucy.
117
00:05:37,740 --> 00:05:40,095
But maybe when we reach
the destination,
118
00:05:40,100 --> 00:05:41,659
you can get off with me.
119
00:05:44,140 --> 00:05:45,938
Lovely to chat with you all
120
00:05:45,940 --> 00:05:47,578
Thanks for your hospitality.
121
00:05:47,780 --> 00:05:49,851
Are you sure you'll be OK?
122
00:05:50,180 --> 00:05:52,410
Toby has stood up.
123
00:05:52,420 --> 00:05:54,058
I'll be fine.
124
00:05:54,340 --> 00:05:57,014
I'm sure there'll be some space
on the floor outside the toilet
125
00:05:57,020 --> 00:05:59,534
where I can sit, just so long
as I don't cause a nuisance
126
00:05:59,540 --> 00:06:01,611
and get in people's way.
127
00:06:02,460 --> 00:06:05,896
The last thing I want to be
is a nuisance.
128
00:06:05,900 --> 00:06:07,288
Lee, move!
129
00:06:07,300 --> 00:06:08,813
You're not going anywhere.
130
00:06:10,100 --> 00:06:13,331
Oh, no, there's absolutely no way
I can take this man's seat.
131
00:06:13,340 --> 00:06:14,978
There's no way we're going...
132
00:06:14,980 --> 00:06:16,971
Well, if you insist.
133
00:06:16,980 --> 00:06:18,971
There's room for everyone.
134
00:06:18,980 --> 00:06:20,539
Lee can sit on the floor.
135
00:06:26,100 --> 00:06:27,898
I hope you're all enjoying the views
136
00:06:28,220 --> 00:06:30,336
because I can't see anything
from down here.
137
00:06:31,100 --> 00:06:33,728
Maybe your mother�in-law
could describe it for you.
138
00:06:34,060 --> 00:06:35,539
A cow.
139
00:06:36,940 --> 00:06:38,294
Another cow.
140
00:06:40,140 --> 00:06:41,619
Three cows.
141
00:06:43,580 --> 00:06:45,730
Can I stow your bag for you,
Martin?
142
00:06:46,340 --> 00:06:49,298
No, it's OK.
I'm fine, thank you.
143
00:06:49,300 --> 00:06:50,529
Sure.
144
00:06:50,540 --> 00:06:52,736
Toby, the man doesn't want
your help.
145
00:06:52,740 --> 00:06:55,129
Don't give in to his relentless
passive aggression, Martin,
146
00:06:55,140 --> 00:06:56,733
You'll end up married to him.
147
00:06:57,020 --> 00:06:58,613
Four cows.
148
00:07:02,740 --> 00:07:04,253
A guard has entered.
149
00:07:06,100 --> 00:07:08,250
She is a woman.
150
00:07:08,740 --> 00:07:11,175
I wondered what these were.
151
00:07:11,180 --> 00:07:12,568
Tickets, please.
152
00:07:14,100 --> 00:07:16,489
Is this actually allowed?
153
00:07:16,980 --> 00:07:19,972
You know, seven people in here?
154
00:07:21,580 --> 00:07:25,892
No, actually, it's meant to be
just six to a compartment.
155
00:07:25,900 --> 00:07:27,459
Oh, no.
156
00:07:27,460 --> 00:07:29,497
I was hoping you wouldn't notice.
157
00:07:29,500 --> 00:07:31,013
What a shame.
158
00:07:31,020 --> 00:07:32,977
But I suppose, you know,
rules are rules.
159
00:07:32,980 --> 00:07:36,450
What? Not me.
160
00:07:36,460 --> 00:07:38,815
You're the one squatting
on the floor.
161
00:07:38,820 --> 00:07:40,857
Only cos he sat in my seat.
162
00:07:40,860 --> 00:07:42,817
No, it's OK.
163
00:07:42,820 --> 00:07:44,413
It's my fault.
164
00:07:44,420 --> 00:07:46,809
I'll go and find a space
in another compartment.
165
00:07:46,820 --> 00:07:48,857
Oh, but the train is packed.
You won't get one.
166
00:07:48,860 --> 00:07:50,089
It's fine, Lucy.
167
00:07:50,100 --> 00:07:53,218
People are always willing to give up
a seat for somebody less able.
168
00:07:53,220 --> 00:07:54,972
Well, most people.
169
00:07:55,380 --> 00:07:57,815
Enjoy your birthday, Lucy. Bye, all
170
00:08:01,700 --> 00:08:03,532
That wasn't very nice of you, Lee.
171
00:08:04,220 --> 00:08:06,609
You'd have done the same thing
if he was in your seat.
172
00:08:06,620 --> 00:08:08,452
I most certainly would not.
173
00:08:08,460 --> 00:08:10,337
I'd have moved Toby and sat there.
174
00:08:11,340 --> 00:08:13,331
Just need to give you all
a word of warning.
175
00:08:13,340 --> 00:08:15,013
Telling all our passengers.
176
00:08:16,180 --> 00:08:19,332
We've had some reports of a few
things going missing on the train.
177
00:08:19,340 --> 00:08:20,853
So we're on high alert.
178
00:08:20,860 --> 00:08:22,692
High alert for a spoon?
179
00:08:22,700 --> 00:08:25,010
Nothing.
180
00:08:26,100 --> 00:08:28,250
A passenger had an expensive watch
go missing.
181
00:08:28,340 --> 00:08:30,411
Another a large amount
of cash taken.
182
00:08:30,420 --> 00:08:32,457
It happens from time to time,
I'm afraid.
183
00:08:33,500 --> 00:08:36,538
Criminals board, mingle, help
themselves and then disembark.
184
00:08:36,540 --> 00:08:38,019
I knew it.
185
00:08:38,020 --> 00:08:40,011
Trains are just mobile slums.
186
00:08:41,500 --> 00:08:44,458
We're keeping an eye out
for anyone acting suspiciously.
187
00:08:48,260 --> 00:08:51,093
I presume some of you are thinking
what I'm thinking.
188
00:08:51,100 --> 00:08:53,137
I think we all are, Wendy.
189
00:08:53,940 --> 00:08:57,456
There's a criminal on board, and we
just let a vulnerable blind man
190
00:08:57,460 --> 00:08:59,815
go out there
to be taken advantage of.
191
00:08:59,820 --> 00:09:01,288
Seems very unfair.
192
00:09:01,300 --> 00:09:03,052
It doesn't feel right, does it?
193
00:09:03,060 --> 00:09:04,528
Poor man.
194
00:09:04,540 --> 00:09:06,213
What are you all talking about?
195
00:09:06,220 --> 00:09:08,291
You lot never seen a film?
196
00:09:08,300 --> 00:09:09,688
He's the thief.
197
00:09:09,700 --> 00:09:12,294
Don't be ridiculous, he's blind.
198
00:09:12,300 --> 00:09:14,769
And how do you know he's not
just pretending to be blind?
199
00:09:14,780 --> 00:09:16,214
Of course he's not pretending.
200
00:09:16,220 --> 00:09:17,733
You've only to look at him.
201
00:09:17,740 --> 00:09:19,174
That's all part of the ploy.
202
00:09:19,180 --> 00:09:21,091
Dark glasses, the stick, the hat?
203
00:09:21,100 --> 00:09:23,899
Yes, the well-known hat
that all blind people wear.
204
00:09:25,620 --> 00:09:29,136
It's a perfect excuse to bump
into people and pickpocket them.
205
00:09:29,140 --> 00:09:31,177
"Sorry, me darlin',
I didn't see you there,
206
00:09:31,180 --> 00:09:33,012
"the ole peepers ain't workin'.
207
00:09:33,020 --> 00:09:35,455
Police are on the lookout
for a man described as probably
208
00:09:35,460 --> 00:09:37,212
being in the cast of Oliver.
209
00:09:39,260 --> 00:09:41,854
There was something dodgy
about him that I didn't like,
210
00:09:41,860 --> 00:09:44,374
and he was holding on to that bag
very tightly.
211
00:09:44,380 --> 00:09:46,656
I bet you it's full of stolen stuff.
212
00:09:47,060 --> 00:09:49,859
Or perhaps he's already heard
about the thief and was feeling
213
00:09:49,860 --> 00:09:51,692
protective about his things.
214
00:09:51,780 --> 00:09:54,852
Yes, maybe he's got his favourite
spoon in there.
215
00:09:54,860 --> 00:09:56,578
Come on, then,
216
00:09:56,580 --> 00:09:58,412
What's he got that's so important
217
00:09:58,420 --> 00:10:00,855
that he would grip his bag
like that?
218
00:10:00,860 --> 00:10:02,897
A tuning fork?
219
00:10:02,900 --> 00:10:05,369
You know,
in case he needs to tune a piano.
220
00:10:08,500 --> 00:10:10,411
A railway timetable.
221
00:10:10,420 --> 00:10:11,979
And how is he supposed to read that?
222
00:10:12,140 --> 00:10:14,290
Yes.
223
00:10:14,300 --> 00:10:16,098
A Braille-way timetable.
224
00:10:20,180 --> 00:10:24,253
Or maybe that bag
is full of stolen cash.
225
00:10:24,260 --> 00:10:26,297
Ludicrous!
226
00:10:26,300 --> 00:10:28,291
He's not a criminal.
227
00:10:28,300 --> 00:10:30,450
So why has he not got
a seat reservation?
228
00:10:30,460 --> 00:10:32,451
Everyone else in first-class
seems to have.
229
00:10:32,460 --> 00:10:34,929
Look, it doesn't matter
if he's blind or not.
230
00:10:34,940 --> 00:10:36,135
He's gone now.
231
00:10:36,140 --> 00:10:37,778
So it's not our problem.
232
00:10:37,780 --> 00:10:41,091
Well, it is our problem
if he's now the victim of a theft
233
00:10:41,100 --> 00:10:42,977
because Lee threw him out.
234
00:10:42,980 --> 00:10:45,096
Well, I'm sure he'll be fine.
235
00:10:45,100 --> 00:10:47,694
He'll have been offered a seat
by a nice group of people
236
00:10:47,700 --> 00:10:50,692
and be laughing and joking
and having a wonderful time.
237
00:10:50,700 --> 00:10:53,055
He'll be shewing them all
his tuning fork.
238
00:10:55,860 --> 00:10:59,455
Oh, here he comes,
prowling for victims.
239
00:10:59,460 --> 00:11:02,213
Or maybe he was flirting
with someone else's wife
240
00:11:02,220 --> 00:11:03,654
and they threw him out.
241
00:11:03,660 --> 00:11:06,413
Grow up, Lee.
He wasn't flirting with me.
242
00:11:06,420 --> 00:11:07,615
This way.
243
00:11:07,620 --> 00:11:10,738
Oh, thank you.
244
00:11:10,740 --> 00:11:13,778
I was just in a compartment
with a very annoying pillock.
245
00:11:14,420 --> 00:11:16,616
His wife was a bit of all right,
though.
246
00:11:17,580 --> 00:11:19,093
It's us, Martin.
247
00:11:20,060 --> 00:11:22,449
Oh. I thought there was ne space
in here.
248
00:11:22,460 --> 00:11:23,894
There is now.
249
00:11:23,900 --> 00:11:25,220
Allow me.
250
00:11:25,540 --> 00:11:26,769
There you go.
251
00:11:27,220 --> 00:11:28,893
Same seat as you had before.
252
00:11:32,420 --> 00:11:33,933
Have you heard about the thief?
253
00:11:34,780 --> 00:11:37,056
Thief? What thief?
254
00:11:37,460 --> 00:11:40,054
Things have gone missing
on the train,
255
00:11:40,060 --> 00:11:42,495
We've been warned
to keep an eye out.
256
00:11:42,500 --> 00:11:45,014
Not, eye, just...
257
00:11:45,020 --> 00:11:46,772
Just be wary.
258
00:11:46,780 --> 00:11:48,612
See it, say it, sort it.
259
00:11:48,620 --> 00:11:50,293
No, no, not see it.
260
00:11:51,660 --> 00:11:53,697
Hear it and
261
00:11:53,700 --> 00:11:55,293
feel it.
262
00:11:56,580 --> 00:11:58,218
He who smelt it, dealt it.
263
00:11:59,220 --> 00:12:00,528
Sorry about my husband,
264
00:12:00,820 --> 00:12:02,538
He lives quite a closeted life.
265
00:12:02,740 --> 00:12:04,697
He's never met anyone who's...
266
00:12:04,700 --> 00:12:06,338
You know?
267
00:12:06,420 --> 00:12:08,457
This devilishly good looking?
268
00:12:08,860 --> 00:12:10,055
It's fine.
269
00:12:11,820 --> 00:12:14,653
The biggest problem is people
skirting around my blindness.
270
00:12:14,660 --> 00:12:16,810
You CAN talk openly about it.
271
00:12:16,820 --> 00:12:18,379
OK, I've got a question,
272
00:12:18,740 --> 00:12:20,970
If you're blind, where's your dog?
273
00:12:22,180 --> 00:12:23,693
Bessie!
274
00:12:25,740 --> 00:12:28,050
Bessie! Where have you gone, Bessie?
275
00:12:28,700 --> 00:12:30,179
Yeah, I'm only joking.
276
00:12:30,340 --> 00:12:31,774
I haven't got a dog.
277
00:12:33,060 --> 00:12:34,653
Anyone else?
278
00:12:36,180 --> 00:12:39,457
Does being blind mean you've got
exceptional hearing?
279
00:12:39,460 --> 00:12:41,337
Pardon?
280
00:12:42,020 --> 00:12:45,729
Does being blind mean
you've got exceptional hearing?
281
00:12:45,740 --> 00:12:47,936
I think that was a joke.
282
00:12:47,940 --> 00:12:50,136
You saying pardon.
283
00:12:50,140 --> 00:12:52,575
Ne, I genuinely didn't hear
what she said.
284
00:12:52,580 --> 00:12:56,016
She said, "Does being blind mean
you have exceptional hearing?"
285
00:12:56,020 --> 00:12:57,419
Pardon?
286
00:12:57,540 --> 00:12:59,895
0K, that one was a joke.
287
00:13:00,460 --> 00:13:03,418
No, I think I just rely
on my hearing more,
288
00:13:03,460 --> 00:13:06,373
There are loads of misconceptions
about blind people, you know?
289
00:13:06,380 --> 00:13:08,098
We all read Braille.
290
00:13:08,100 --> 00:13:09,738
We all tune pianos.
291
00:13:12,140 --> 00:13:15,258
We all make
exceptionally sensitive lovers.
292
00:13:15,260 --> 00:13:17,092
Well, it's not completely true.
293
00:13:17,100 --> 00:13:18,977
Can't read Braille or tune pianos.
294
00:13:22,420 --> 00:13:24,969
I notice you're wearing a watch.
295
00:13:24,980 --> 00:13:26,971
Just wondering how that works?
296
00:13:26,980 --> 00:13:29,335
I don't know.
I'm not a watch expert.
297
00:13:29,340 --> 00:13:31,570
Pardon?
298
00:13:31,580 --> 00:13:33,218
I'm not falling for it again.
299
00:13:33,820 --> 00:13:37,017
I'm just wondering
why you wear a watch,
300
00:13:37,020 --> 00:13:40,058
especially when you consider
it's called a watch.
301
00:13:40,060 --> 00:13:42,973
What's a watch
but a thing you watch?
302
00:13:42,980 --> 00:13:45,449
I'm sorry.
Am I in the Dr Seuss carriage here?
303
00:13:45,780 --> 00:13:47,453
It was my dad's.
304
00:13:47,780 --> 00:13:49,976
Is that right?
305
00:13:50,300 --> 00:13:52,735
Are you questioning
whether I am actually blind?
306
00:13:53,060 --> 00:13:55,688
Yes, stop being so rude, Lee.
307
00:13:55,940 --> 00:13:58,693
This man is clearly
as blind as a bat.
308
00:13:58,700 --> 00:14:00,657
Sorry, no of fence.
309
00:14:01,380 --> 00:14:04,054
None taken, I've had to make up
for it in other ways.
310
00:14:04,060 --> 00:14:05,448
Exceptional hearing.
311
00:14:05,460 --> 00:14:07,337
Massive penises.
312
00:14:07,340 --> 00:14:08,853
Really?
313
00:14:09,860 --> 00:14:13,251
Of course, if you were a bat,
you'd be able to hang upside down
314
00:14:13,260 --> 00:14:15,171
from the luggage rack.
315
00:14:15,180 --> 00:14:17,569
Then we wouldn't have
all these seating problems.
316
00:14:17,580 --> 00:14:19,332
Not trying to be rude.
317
00:14:19,340 --> 00:14:21,456
Yes, it comes effortlessly with Lee.
318
00:14:21,460 --> 00:14:24,851
So, just to clarify, mate,
319
00:14:25,420 --> 00:14:29,254
you do accept
that I am actually blind, right?
320
00:14:43,220 --> 00:14:44,779
Yeah, of course.
321
00:14:46,740 --> 00:14:48,458
It doesn't mean you're not a thief.
322
00:14:48,460 --> 00:14:50,292
Pardon?
323
00:14:50,740 --> 00:14:52,936
You don't get blind thieves.
324
00:14:53,700 --> 00:14:56,579
That's like saying you don't get
dyslexic serial killers.
325
00:14:56,580 --> 00:14:59,015
You mean kerial sitters.
326
00:14:59,180 --> 00:15:02,218
I'm not saying you are a thief,
of course I'm not.
327
00:15:02,220 --> 00:15:05,212
I'm just simply making the point
that just because somebody is blind,
328
00:15:05,220 --> 00:15:07,336
you shouldn't then make
the prejudicial comment
329
00:15:07,340 --> 00:15:09,729
that they wouldn't be able
to be a thief.
330
00:15:09,740 --> 00:15:11,856
Oh, well, I mean,
that's a fair point, I suppose.
331
00:15:11,860 --> 00:15:13,134
Thank you.
332
00:15:13,140 --> 00:15:15,814
I mean, I do like
an equal opportunities arsehole.
333
00:15:17,380 --> 00:15:19,576
Can we talk about
something else, please?
334
00:15:19,580 --> 00:15:21,457
Are you married, Martin?
335
00:15:21,460 --> 00:15:23,371
No.
336
00:15:25,860 --> 00:15:28,136
Not...not see, um...
337
00:15:28,140 --> 00:15:30,211
I mean, feeling.
338
00:15:31,940 --> 00:15:33,453
Smelling?
339
00:15:35,060 --> 00:15:36,778
No, I'm not seeing anyone either.
340
00:15:36,940 --> 00:15:38,897
I'm young, free and single.
341
00:15:40,620 --> 00:15:42,452
So what's in the bag, mate?
342
00:15:44,180 --> 00:15:46,012
Nothing.
343
00:15:46,020 --> 00:15:47,340
Just stuff,
344
00:15:47,340 --> 00:15:48,694
Like what?
345
00:15:48,700 --> 00:15:50,179
Four pairs of underpants.
346
00:15:51,660 --> 00:15:53,094
And what colour are they?
347
00:15:55,380 --> 00:15:59,010
Two red, one blue, one green.
348
00:15:59,020 --> 00:16:02,490
Interesting that you know
the colour of your underpants.
349
00:16:03,620 --> 00:16:07,329
Not as interesting as you wanting
to know the colour of my underpants.
350
00:16:25,340 --> 00:16:27,775
Is this man bothering you, sir?
351
00:16:27,780 --> 00:16:29,453
I'm fine, thanks.
352
00:16:29,460 --> 00:16:31,098
I wasn't talking to you.
353
00:16:31,100 --> 00:16:32,215
What's going on?
354
00:16:32,780 --> 00:16:35,533
This gentleman had his hand
in your bag.
355
00:16:35,540 --> 00:16:37,770
Oh, so you don't describe that,
then?!
356
00:16:37,900 --> 00:16:39,777
Only because I was locking
for the thief.
357
00:16:40,140 --> 00:16:42,051
What, you were looking for the thief
in my bag?
358
00:16:42,660 --> 00:16:45,254
Who do you think's doing it -
the Borrowers?!
359
00:16:45,260 --> 00:16:47,490
Ne. But I think it might be you.
360
00:16:48,820 --> 00:16:52,688
Lee is pointing his finger
at Martin,
361
00:16:52,700 --> 00:16:55,852
Sir, can I ask why you returned
to this carriage?
362
00:16:55,860 --> 00:16:58,295
That is a very good question.
363
00:16:58,300 --> 00:16:59,768
I didn't return.
364
00:17:00,460 --> 00:17:03,771
They dragged me in here,
and then he made a grab for my bag.
365
00:17:04,380 --> 00:17:08,089
Well, it's easy to make things
look bad by describing
366
00:17:08,100 --> 00:17:10,011
exactly what happened.
367
00:17:10,020 --> 00:17:12,136
I'm not the thief.
These lot will tell you.
368
00:17:12,140 --> 00:17:13,335
Right?
369
00:17:13,340 --> 00:17:14,660
In his defence...
370
00:17:17,580 --> 00:17:19,856
No, I can't think of anything.
371
00:17:19,860 --> 00:17:21,692
He's many things,
372
00:17:21,700 --> 00:17:23,498
but my husband is not a thief.
373
00:17:23,540 --> 00:17:25,929
Yeah. Unlike him.
374
00:17:25,940 --> 00:17:28,090
Lucy...
375
00:17:28,660 --> 00:17:31,459
I felt loads of cash in his bag.
376
00:17:31,460 --> 00:17:33,690
There's no cash in here.
377
00:17:33,700 --> 00:17:36,055
Well, you might want to start
using fabric conditioner,
378
00:17:36,060 --> 00:17:38,700
because those underpants felt
very crispy.
379
00:17:38,700 --> 00:17:41,214
Oh, I've had enough of this.
I'm getting out of here.
380
00:17:42,940 --> 00:17:44,328
Oh!
381
00:17:45,700 --> 00:17:48,533
A large amount of money falls
from the bag.
382
00:17:48,660 --> 00:17:50,776
You know damn well it does.
383
00:17:51,340 --> 00:17:53,729
Can I ask where you got this cash
from, sir?
384
00:17:53,740 --> 00:17:55,492
Well, if you must know,
it's the same reason
385
00:17:55,500 --> 00:17:57,013
that Lucy's married to you -
386
00:17:57,940 --> 00:18:01,171
Even worse!
Stealing from a charity.
387
00:18:01,180 --> 00:18:03,410
Not from a charity - FOR a charity.
388
00:18:03,580 --> 00:18:05,617
It's called Helpers For Hedgehogs.
389
00:18:06,980 --> 00:18:09,096
What, do you think
I'm making that up as well?
390
00:18:09,660 --> 00:18:12,334
Who knows? Somebody Google it.
391
00:18:12,340 --> 00:18:14,570
We had a fundraiser last night.
392
00:18:14,580 --> 00:18:17,140
A fundraiser, for hedgehogs?
393
00:18:17,140 --> 00:18:19,370
Was it a garden party?
394
00:18:19,380 --> 00:18:21,212
Some of the guests donated cash.
395
00:18:21,220 --> 00:18:23,416
I've got �800 here to bank.
396
00:18:25,980 --> 00:18:31,009
So why did you just deny
that there was cash in your bag?
397
00:18:31,020 --> 00:18:33,819
In case somebody tried to steal it.
398
00:18:33,820 --> 00:18:36,016
And why should we believe that?
399
00:18:36,020 --> 00:18:38,773
Because somebody did try
to steal it.
400
00:18:38,780 --> 00:18:40,100
You!
401
00:18:40,100 --> 00:18:42,057
I'm not the thief! He's the thief.
402
00:18:42,060 --> 00:18:43,573
I am not the thief.
403
00:18:43,940 --> 00:18:47,456
Oh. There's a photograph
on this website that proves it.
404
00:18:47,460 --> 00:18:49,929
Oh, not about bats' penises.
405
00:18:52,740 --> 00:18:54,174
Oh, that's incredible.
406
00:18:55,900 --> 00:18:57,777
The charity is real, too.
407
00:18:58,460 --> 00:19:01,134
There's even a photo of Martin
on the About Us section.
408
00:19:01,140 --> 00:19:03,211
Well, anyone can make
a fake website.
409
00:19:03,700 --> 00:19:06,852
You shouldn't believe everything
you read online.
410
00:19:06,900 --> 00:19:09,892
Toby's LinkedIn profile says
he's got good interpersonal skills
411
00:19:09,900 --> 00:19:11,413
and a great sense of humour.
412
00:19:11,420 --> 00:19:13,969
You should see what it says
on my Tinder.
413
00:19:16,420 --> 00:19:20,254
Yes, please.
414
00:19:20,260 --> 00:19:22,695
Oh, please don't. I'm sorry.
415
00:19:22,700 --> 00:19:25,613
I promise no-one in here
is trying to steal from you.
416
00:19:25,620 --> 00:19:28,373
Stay. There's a thief on the train,
417
00:19:28,380 --> 00:19:30,371
You're much safer in here.
418
00:19:30,380 --> 00:19:32,132
But am 17
419
00:19:32,140 --> 00:19:34,017
We'll help you keep an eye on Lee.
420
00:19:34,020 --> 00:19:36,330
Not eye, not eye! Um...
421
00:19:36,340 --> 00:19:37,933
A lookout! Oh...
422
00:19:37,940 --> 00:19:39,169
A sniff-out.
423
00:19:43,380 --> 00:19:46,372
I can stow your bag in the guard
secure room if you like, sir.
424
00:19:46,380 --> 00:19:47,575
We keep it locked.
425
00:19:47,580 --> 00:19:49,059
No, it's OK.
426
00:19:49,060 --> 00:19:50,653
But thank you for the offer.
427
00:19:50,660 --> 00:19:53,095
Well, I'm just at the end
of the carriage.
428
00:19:53,100 --> 00:19:54,659
If anyone bothers you.
429
00:19:56,260 --> 00:19:58,570
I can only apologise, Martin.
430
00:20:01,060 --> 00:20:05,611
In fact, I'd like to make
a donation to your charity.
431
00:20:05,620 --> 00:20:08,328
Oh, Lucy, I could never ask you
to do that.
432
00:20:08,340 --> 00:20:09,660
Not on your birthday.
433
00:20:09,660 --> 00:20:11,890
Actually, I haven't got
any cash on me anyway.
434
00:20:11,900 --> 00:20:13,811
That's OK. I take card.
435
00:20:14,300 --> 00:20:17,213
Just �100 can help keep
ten hedgehogs safe.
436
00:20:17,220 --> 00:20:18,893
OK!
437
00:20:18,900 --> 00:20:21,130
CARD READER CHIMES
438
00:20:21,140 --> 00:20:22,813
That's actually a joint account.
439
00:20:22,820 --> 00:20:24,970
We are supposed to consult
about things like that.
440
00:20:26,100 --> 00:20:30,173
I'm sure Lucy is capable of making
her own financial decisions.
441
00:20:30,180 --> 00:20:33,491
We'd like to contribute as well,
please.
442
00:20:33,500 --> 00:20:35,411
Well, hang on a minute.
443
00:20:35,420 --> 00:20:37,536
�100, please.
444
00:20:37,540 --> 00:20:40,658
We already donate �5 a month
to English Heritage!
445
00:20:40,660 --> 00:20:42,139
I'm not a communist.
446
00:20:43,100 --> 00:20:45,489
Well, that's very generous of you.
The hedgehogs thank you.
447
00:20:45,500 --> 00:20:46,808
�100, please.
448
00:20:46,820 --> 00:20:48,254
CARD READER CHIMES
449
00:20:48,260 --> 00:20:50,410
See? Anna didn't complain.
450
00:20:50,660 --> 00:20:53,379
Oh, Toby and I manage our finances
separately.
451
00:20:53,380 --> 00:20:55,815
What he does with his allowance is
up to him,
452
00:20:58,420 --> 00:21:01,697
So does that mean you would like
to donate separately?
453
00:21:01,700 --> 00:21:04,294
Oh! Er...
454
00:21:04,300 --> 00:21:05,449
Yes, of course.
455
00:21:09,540 --> 00:21:12,453
WENDY: The train has entered
a tunnel. It is dark.
456
00:21:12,460 --> 00:21:14,098
JEFFREY:
457
00:21:14,100 --> 00:21:15,852
WENDY: I was telling Martin.
458
00:21:16,260 --> 00:21:18,456
MARTIN:
459
00:21:18,900 --> 00:21:21,369
WENDY: The train has cleared
the tunnel.
460
00:21:21,380 --> 00:21:23,053
It is light again.
461
00:21:23,780 --> 00:21:25,612
That's strange.
462
00:21:26,420 --> 00:21:29,048
My purse. It's not here.
463
00:21:29,060 --> 00:21:31,449
Oh, that's a good idea, Toby,
464
00:21:31,460 --> 00:21:33,451
I'll look properly.
I knew you had a purpose.
465
00:21:34,060 --> 00:21:36,017
It's not here.
466
00:21:36,140 --> 00:21:38,131
It must have been taken.
467
00:21:39,300 --> 00:21:40,779
I see.
468
00:21:40,780 --> 00:21:42,134
I thought you did.
469
00:21:44,580 --> 00:21:46,412
Blame the blind guy.
470
00:21:47,140 --> 00:21:49,768
Just because
we went into a dark tunnel
471
00:21:49,780 --> 00:21:51,532
and I'm the only one
with the experience
472
00:21:51,820 --> 00:21:54,539
to operate in total darkness...
I'll stop talking now.
473
00:21:55,140 --> 00:21:57,097
NOW do you all believe me?
474
00:21:58,260 --> 00:22:00,410
Well, I don't know
what's happened exactly.
475
00:22:00,420 --> 00:22:01,569
Well, I do.
476
00:22:01,820 --> 00:22:03,970
You've robbed her blind,
you thieving bastard!
477
00:22:04,460 --> 00:22:07,293
Lee. Think of the language
you're using.
478
00:22:08,620 --> 00:22:12,568
He means
you've robbed her blatantly,
479
00:22:12,580 --> 00:22:14,412
you thieving...
480
00:22:14,420 --> 00:22:15,649
.bastard.
481
00:22:15,660 --> 00:22:17,856
Open your bag.
482
00:22:17,860 --> 00:22:20,170
Yeah, well, that was before
you took Anna's purse.
483
00:22:20,340 --> 00:22:23,253
No, you're not.
484
00:22:23,260 --> 00:22:24,534
Hey, get off it!
485
00:22:24,540 --> 00:22:25,769
Let go of that bag!
486
00:22:25,780 --> 00:22:27,771
Get off it now,
or I'll punch your lights out!
487
00:22:27,780 --> 00:22:29,179
I'll punch YOUR lights out!
488
00:22:29,180 --> 00:22:31,808
They're already out, you dickhead!
489
00:22:31,820 --> 00:22:33,413
I'll punch them back on again!
490
00:22:33,420 --> 00:22:34,933
BOTH SHOUT
491
00:22:34,940 --> 00:22:36,499
Happy birthday, Lucy.
492
00:22:37,340 --> 00:22:39,854
Don't worry.
I always knew if Lee was with us,
493
00:22:40,220 --> 00:22:42,769
it would probably end with him
fighting a blind man.
494
00:22:43,860 --> 00:22:45,851
Guard, seize him!
495
00:22:47,140 --> 00:22:50,292
You've always wanted to say that,
haven't you?
496
00:22:50,460 --> 00:22:53,851
We think this man
may have stolen a purse.
497
00:22:53,860 --> 00:22:55,419
Why do you think that?
498
00:22:55,420 --> 00:22:57,730
Well, search me! In fact, no.
499
00:22:57,740 --> 00:22:59,538
Search him. I bet you he took it
500
00:22:59,660 --> 00:23:02,049
Anna s looking suspiciously at Lee.
501
00:23:02,060 --> 00:23:04,017
Is she?!
502
00:23:04,020 --> 00:23:06,296
Fine. Me first, then.
503
00:23:08,740 --> 00:23:10,731
Oh! What have we got here, then?
504
00:23:11,060 --> 00:23:13,370
Don't tell me. A purse.
505
00:23:13,460 --> 00:23:14,814
It's a spoon.
506
00:23:17,420 --> 00:23:19,934
I said don't tell me - that was
going to be my second guess.
507
00:23:20,940 --> 00:23:23,489
That must have fallen in my bag
earlier when I was...
508
00:23:23,500 --> 00:23:24,808
.Nicking it.
509
00:23:26,580 --> 00:23:28,730
Don't listen to him.
510
00:23:29,140 --> 00:23:31,768
Doesn't mean I've taken a purse
just because I've taken a spoon,
511
00:23:31,780 --> 00:23:34,010
Yes. He's just stirring things.
512
00:23:34,380 --> 00:23:36,132
It's not this purse, is it?
513
00:23:36,140 --> 00:23:37,369
Yes...
514
00:23:37,380 --> 00:23:38,939
Ha!
515
00:23:39,260 --> 00:23:41,171
It was found in the toilets earlier.
516
00:23:42,260 --> 00:23:45,218
I'm afraid whoever took it
removed any cash and credit cards.
517
00:23:45,220 --> 00:23:47,097
When did you last remember
having it?
518
00:23:47,100 --> 00:23:48,977
Well, now you mention it,
519
00:23:48,980 --> 00:23:50,937
it was at lunch in the dining car.
520
00:23:50,940 --> 00:23:52,738
Anna has an expression like
521
00:23:52,740 --> 00:23:55,095
she realises she has been foolish.
522
00:23:56,140 --> 00:23:58,689
But he could have stolen it
in the dining car at lunchtime.
523
00:23:58,940 --> 00:24:01,693
Oh, come on. Then, why weren't the
cards in my bag when you emptied it?
524
00:24:02,420 --> 00:24:04,457
Where are you going?
525
00:24:04,460 --> 00:24:05,768
Not with this bag of cash.
526
00:24:06,580 --> 00:24:09,538
Not in case old Sticky Fingers here
tries to get his hands on it again,
527
00:24:09,540 --> 00:24:11,178
I'm not the one with sticky fingers.
528
00:24:11,180 --> 00:24:13,854
That at least is true.
I had to witness him at lunchtime,
529
00:24:13,860 --> 00:24:15,578
licking and sucking them clean.
530
00:24:16,060 --> 00:24:19,212
I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask
you all to stay in this compartment
531
00:24:19,220 --> 00:24:21,530
just for a few minutes
while I get to the bottom of this.
532
00:24:21,540 --> 00:24:23,178
I'll check the CCTV.
533
00:24:23,180 --> 00:24:25,490
We'll soon find out who took
your purse in the dining car.
534
00:24:25,500 --> 00:24:27,377
And then we'll have our culprit.
535
00:24:27,380 --> 00:24:29,053
Suits me.
536
00:24:29,060 --> 00:24:30,414
I've got nothing to hide.
537
00:24:30,780 --> 00:24:34,216
But I think I will take you up
on that offer
538
00:24:34,220 --> 00:24:35,699
to lock this up.
539
00:24:43,900 --> 00:24:45,652
Are you having a nice day, Lucy?
540
00:24:49,540 --> 00:24:52,259
Everybody stares at Wendy
in disbelief.
541
00:24:52,980 --> 00:24:54,891
Yeah, figured that one out myself.
542
00:24:54,900 --> 00:24:56,493
TRAIN COMES TO A HALT
543
00:24:57,580 --> 00:25:00,732
Look, perhaps you two should
shake hands and make up.
544
00:25:01,820 --> 00:25:03,219
It's my birthday.
545
00:25:03,420 --> 00:25:04,899
Shake, Lee.
546
00:25:04,940 --> 00:25:06,578
SHAKE Lee.
547
00:25:06,580 --> 00:25:08,173
See, Martin?
548
00:25:08,980 --> 00:25:11,256
All this time you didn't realise
he was Arabic.
549
00:25:15,460 --> 00:25:17,053
You hear that silence, Toby?
550
00:25:17,700 --> 00:25:18,849
You did that.
551
00:25:24,220 --> 00:25:29,169
I will shake his hand after the
guard has checked that CCTV footage.
552
00:25:29,180 --> 00:25:30,659
Suits me.
553
00:25:30,900 --> 00:25:33,494
The guard enters. A man.
554
00:25:33,500 --> 00:25:35,138
The guard enters a man?!
555
00:25:37,340 --> 00:25:39,058
Afternoon, folks.
556
00:25:39,900 --> 00:25:42,494
Just to let you know, we've had
some reports of a few things
557
00:25:42,500 --> 00:25:44,173
going missing on the train.
558
00:25:44,460 --> 00:25:47,054
So do keep an eye
on your belongings.
559
00:25:47,140 --> 00:25:50,098
Thank you.
The other guard's already told us.
560
00:25:50,100 --> 00:25:52,250
The woman.
561
00:25:52,260 --> 00:25:53,455
What woman?
562
00:25:53,460 --> 00:25:56,213
The we man who took my bag
and locked it in the secure room?
563
00:25:56,220 --> 00:25:58,177
There IS no secure room.
564
00:25:58,180 --> 00:26:00,410
And there's no female guards
on this train.
565
00:26:03,660 --> 00:26:05,617
Anyway, I've got to go.
566
00:26:05,620 --> 00:26:07,452
Someone's nicked my hat.
567
00:26:09,980 --> 00:26:11,414
Oh, my God!
568
00:26:16,020 --> 00:26:19,172
The woman they thought was the guard
is standing beside a car.
569
00:26:19,220 --> 00:26:21,211
She turns
towards the confused people
570
00:26:21,460 --> 00:26:23,497
looking out of the train window,
571
00:26:23,700 --> 00:26:25,896
a smile playing over her lips.
572
00:26:28,500 --> 00:26:32,130
She waves the bag,
mocking them and blows a kiss.
573
00:26:32,140 --> 00:26:34,689
She gets into the car
and drives away.
574
00:26:34,700 --> 00:26:36,771
LEE AND MARTIN:
575
00:26:38,820 --> 00:26:42,859
All of that charity money gone,
and it's all his fault!
576
00:26:43,900 --> 00:26:45,379
Credit card.
577
00:26:49,540 --> 00:26:51,656
CARD READER CHIMES
578
00:26:51,660 --> 00:26:53,537
That should just about cover it.
579
00:26:53,540 --> 00:26:54,860
I bloody hate hedgehogs!
580
00:26:56,340 --> 00:26:59,014
I could have sworn blind
she was a real guard.
581
00:26:59,020 --> 00:27:00,533
Bit offensive, mate.
582
00:27:05,300 --> 00:27:07,052
Well, I'd like to say it's been
583
00:27:07,380 --> 00:27:09,257
a pleasure, but I'd be lying.
584
00:27:12,940 --> 00:27:14,453
TRAIN HOOTS
585
00:27:16,180 --> 00:27:18,251
I hope you've learned something
from all this, Lee.
586
00:27:18,780 --> 00:27:21,249
Of course I have.
587
00:27:21,340 --> 00:27:23,968
Hedgehogs are vulnerable,
and bats have got large penises.
588
00:27:25,060 --> 00:27:26,971
Oh, dear.
589
00:27:26,980 --> 00:27:28,493
There goes poor Martin,
590
00:27:28,500 --> 00:27:30,173
This must be his stop.
591
00:27:32,100 --> 00:27:34,410
I feel awful
He hasn't got his bag or anything.
592
00:27:35,300 --> 00:27:36,813
Wait a minute.
593
00:27:36,820 --> 00:27:38,140
The fake guard's back.
594
00:27:41,060 --> 00:27:44,257
She's giving Martin his bag back.
595
00:27:44,260 --> 00:27:45,819
I don't believe it!
596
00:27:46,660 --> 00:27:49,413
I know. Isn't that lovely?!
597
00:27:51,780 --> 00:27:54,852
Even criminals know
when they've gone too far.
598
00:27:54,860 --> 00:27:56,612
Returning the blind man's bag
599
00:27:56,620 --> 00:27:58,611
and giving him a lift, that's nice.
600
00:28:02,380 --> 00:28:03,859
Oh!
601
00:28:10,780 --> 00:28:14,535
We're not going out,
not staying in
602
00:28:14,540 --> 00:28:17,498
Just hanging around
with my head in a spin
603
00:28:17,500 --> 00:28:19,889
But there is no need to scream
and shout
604
00:28:19,900 --> 00:28:22,528
We're not going out
605
00:28:22,620 --> 00:28:25,339
We are not going out.
606
00:28:25,389 --> 00:28:29,939
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