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1
00:00:03,937 --> 00:00:05,937
( theme music playing )
2
00:00:30,764 --> 00:00:32,442
MY WORD, HAVEN'T YOU LEFT YET?
3
00:00:32,466 --> 00:00:34,511
MR. THORPE'S TRAIN
ARRIVES IN 20 MINUTES.
4
00:00:34,535 --> 00:00:36,046
WE'RE WAITING FOR MR. HUMPHRIES.
5
00:00:36,070 --> 00:00:38,548
HE'S VERY KEEN TO PRACTICE
IN COUNTRY MATTERS,
6
00:00:38,572 --> 00:00:41,985
AND I PROMISED HE COULD HAVE
A GO ON THE WAY TO THE STATION.
7
00:00:42,009 --> 00:00:43,353
I'LL GIVE HIM AN HONK.
8
00:00:43,377 --> 00:00:44,743
( honking )
9
00:00:48,349 --> 00:00:50,793
MR. HUMPHRIES, NOW
APOLOGIZE TO MR. THORPE.
10
00:00:50,817 --> 00:00:52,129
EXPLAIN THAT WE'RE TRYING
11
00:00:52,153 --> 00:00:53,530
TO ECONOMIZE AND EVERYTHING,
12
00:00:53,554 --> 00:00:55,265
WHICH IS WHY WE
HAVEN'T SENT A TAXI.
13
00:00:55,289 --> 00:00:57,300
I'LL TELL HIM WE ONLY
USED A GALLON OF HAY.
14
00:00:57,324 --> 00:00:59,636
YOU LOOK EVER SO
SMART, MR. HUMPHRIES.
15
00:00:59,660 --> 00:01:01,271
OH, THANK YOU, MAVIS.
16
00:01:01,295 --> 00:01:03,473
I READ THAT MAGAZINE
CALLED "THE FIELD."
17
00:01:03,497 --> 00:01:05,409
DO YOU KNOW, THERE WAS
ABSOLUTELY NO ONE IN IT
18
00:01:05,433 --> 00:01:07,533
THAT WASN'T DRESSED LIKE THIS?
19
00:01:11,205 --> 00:01:13,850
SOMEBODY'S PUT TOO MUCH
STARCH IN THESE JODHPURS.
20
00:01:13,874 --> 00:01:15,185
I CAN'T GET ME LEG UP.
21
00:01:15,209 --> 00:01:17,220
OH, REALLY, MR. HUMPHRIES!
22
00:01:17,244 --> 00:01:18,364
THANK YOU.
23
00:01:21,815 --> 00:01:22,959
RIGHT.
24
00:01:22,983 --> 00:01:24,561
HERE'S YOUR WHIP,
25
00:01:24,585 --> 00:01:26,396
AND HERE ARE THE REINS.
26
00:01:26,420 --> 00:01:27,964
NOW, THE FIRST THING
27
00:01:27,988 --> 00:01:29,166
YOU MUST DO WITH HORSES
28
00:01:29,190 --> 00:01:31,201
IS TO LET THEM KNOW
WHO'S IN CHARGE.
29
00:01:31,225 --> 00:01:33,336
I SEE. GOOD MORNING, NEDDY.
30
00:01:33,360 --> 00:01:36,073
I'M MR. HUMPHRIES.
I'M THE DRIVER.
31
00:01:36,097 --> 00:01:37,207
NOW I'M IN CHARGE,
32
00:01:37,231 --> 00:01:39,776
SO DON'T DO ANYTHING
UNTIL I LET YOU KNOW.
33
00:01:39,800 --> 00:01:41,044
HE'S PRICKED HIS EARS UP.
34
00:01:41,068 --> 00:01:43,202
DO YOU KNOW, I'VE
NEVER SEEN THAT BEFORE?
35
00:01:44,238 --> 00:01:45,549
RIGHT, OFF YOU GO.
36
00:01:45,573 --> 00:01:48,385
RIGHT. WALKIES.
37
00:01:48,409 --> 00:01:50,620
OH, SIT! SIT!
38
00:01:50,644 --> 00:01:52,889
- TRY GEE-UP.
- OH, YEAH.
39
00:01:52,913 --> 00:01:54,546
GEE-UP!
40
00:02:06,393 --> 00:02:07,504
GOOD MORNING, MISS LOVELOCK.
41
00:02:07,528 --> 00:02:08,972
GOOD MORNING, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
42
00:02:08,996 --> 00:02:11,374
NO WONDER YOU HAVE
SUCH A TRIM FIGURE
43
00:02:11,398 --> 00:02:12,909
WITH ALL THAT EXERCISE.
44
00:02:12,933 --> 00:02:14,478
CAN I HELP YOU?
45
00:02:14,502 --> 00:02:15,812
THERE'S A FORK IN THERE.
46
00:02:15,836 --> 00:02:16,813
OH. RIGHT.
47
00:02:16,837 --> 00:02:18,215
OF COURSE. I SUPPOSE YOU
48
00:02:18,239 --> 00:02:20,183
MUST'VE DONE A BIT
OF THIS YOURSELF,
49
00:02:20,207 --> 00:02:22,486
WHEN YOU WERE ATTACHED
TO THE BENGAL LANCERS.
50
00:02:22,510 --> 00:02:24,154
WHEN DID I MENTION THAT?
51
00:02:24,178 --> 00:02:26,289
LAST NIGHT, SOMEWHERE BETWEEN
52
00:02:26,313 --> 00:02:29,126
YOUR FOURTH AND FIFTH MARTINI.
53
00:02:29,150 --> 00:02:31,328
YES, WELL, IT WAS A
SECRET OPERATION.
54
00:02:31,352 --> 00:02:32,562
I SHOULDN'T HAVE SPOKEN OF IT.
55
00:02:32,586 --> 00:02:34,864
IT MUST HAVE BEEN 50 YEARS AGO!
56
00:02:34,888 --> 00:02:36,833
OH, IT'S STILL VERY
SENSITIVE POLITICALLY.
57
00:02:36,857 --> 00:02:38,635
THEY WERE STIRRING TIMES,
58
00:02:38,659 --> 00:02:40,637
AND I WAS DESPERATELY YOUNG.
59
00:02:40,661 --> 00:02:42,927
THERE'S SO MUCH ABOUT
YOU THAT I DON'T KNOW.
60
00:02:47,234 --> 00:02:48,945
DID YOU DO ANY PIG-STICKING?
61
00:02:48,969 --> 00:02:50,980
ONLY WHEN THERE
WAS AN "R" IN THE MONTH.
62
00:02:51,004 --> 00:02:53,950
AND I SUPPOSE ALL THE GIRLS
WERE TERRIBLY ATTRACTIVE.
63
00:02:53,974 --> 00:02:55,018
OH, TERRIBLY.
64
00:02:55,042 --> 00:02:56,653
WERE THEY HUNGRY FOR MEN?
65
00:02:56,677 --> 00:02:58,688
WE WERE RATIONED.
66
00:02:58,712 --> 00:03:01,324
DID YOU HAVE BEARERS AND
PUNKAH WALLAHS AND EVERYTHING?
67
00:03:01,348 --> 00:03:03,193
PRACTICALLY EVERYTHING.
68
00:03:03,217 --> 00:03:04,894
WISH I'D KNOWN YOU THEN.
69
00:03:04,918 --> 00:03:06,663
WELL, YOU... YOU KNOW ME NOW.
70
00:03:06,687 --> 00:03:07,764
YES...
71
00:03:07,788 --> 00:03:10,455
BUT IT'S NOT QUITE
THE SAME THING, IS IT?
72
00:03:12,125 --> 00:03:13,703
WHERE'S CAPTAIN PEACOCK?
73
00:03:13,727 --> 00:03:16,339
OH, HE'S OUT PLAYING THE
COUNTRY GENT SOMEWHERE.
74
00:03:16,363 --> 00:03:17,474
HE'S REALLY PERKED UP
75
00:03:17,498 --> 00:03:19,209
SINCE WE COME TO THE COUNTRY.
76
00:03:19,233 --> 00:03:21,778
IF YOU ASK ME, IT'S SINCE
HE MET MISS LOVELOCK.
77
00:03:21,802 --> 00:03:23,180
HE'S REALLY GOT HIS TONGUE
78
00:03:23,204 --> 00:03:25,848
HANGING OUT AFTER
HER, HASN'T HE?
79
00:03:25,872 --> 00:03:28,851
ISN'T IT SAD THE WAY
MEN OF A CERTAIN AGE
80
00:03:28,875 --> 00:03:33,190
GO A BIT STUPID WHEN SOME
BIT OF A GIRL SMILES AT THEM?
81
00:03:33,214 --> 00:03:35,814
I THOUGHT SHE WAS
LAUGHING AT HIM.
82
00:03:37,184 --> 00:03:38,495
THAT'S NOT WHAT HE THOUGHT.
83
00:03:38,519 --> 00:03:40,530
I MEAN, IMAGINE YOU AND I
84
00:03:40,554 --> 00:03:42,599
GOING GAGA OVER SOME YOUNG MAN
85
00:03:42,623 --> 00:03:44,334
JUST BECAUSE HE GIVES US A BIT
86
00:03:44,358 --> 00:03:45,835
OF COME HITHER.
87
00:03:45,859 --> 00:03:48,805
OH, WELL, I STILL
GET A BIT OF, UH...
88
00:03:48,829 --> 00:03:50,340
COME HITHER.
89
00:03:50,364 --> 00:03:51,708
WELL, SO DO I.
90
00:03:51,732 --> 00:03:53,543
IN FACT I GET QUITE A LOT OF...
91
00:03:53,567 --> 00:03:55,166
COME HITHER.
92
00:03:56,437 --> 00:03:58,615
BUT I DON'T GO GAGA ABOUT IT.
93
00:03:58,639 --> 00:03:59,949
WOULD YOU EVER CONSIDER
94
00:03:59,973 --> 00:04:01,451
TAKING A YOUNGER LOVER?
95
00:04:01,475 --> 00:04:03,720
CERTAINLY NOT, MISS BRAHMS.
96
00:04:03,744 --> 00:04:05,664
WHAT WOULD THE NEIGHBORS SAY?
97
00:04:07,180 --> 00:04:08,891
MIND YOU, I WOULDN'T SAY NO
98
00:04:08,915 --> 00:04:12,429
TO A BIT OF DALLIANCE
WHEN ON HOLIDAY.
99
00:04:12,453 --> 00:04:15,265
I'VE ALWAYS HAD A
PREFERENCE FOR OLDER MEN.
100
00:04:15,289 --> 00:04:17,166
THEY HAVE MORE TO OFFER.
101
00:04:17,190 --> 00:04:21,293
YES, MISS BRAHMS,
ONLY NOT SO OFTEN.
102
00:04:24,398 --> 00:04:27,677
THIS IS VERY FAR FROM THE
MADDING CROWD, ISN'T IT?
103
00:04:27,701 --> 00:04:31,047
HAS ANYONE EVER TOLD
YOU YOU'VE GOT GOOD HANDS?
104
00:04:31,071 --> 00:04:32,382
NOT IN THIS CONTEXT.
105
00:04:32,406 --> 00:04:33,717
WHEN YOU'VE GOT A
BIT MORE PRACTICE,
106
00:04:33,741 --> 00:04:36,022
I'LL TEACH YOU HOW
TO HANDLE A PAIR.
107
00:04:37,244 --> 00:04:39,444
( ringing bell )
108
00:04:41,715 --> 00:04:43,793
STILL SETTING YOUR
CAP AT MY WOMAN, I SEE.
109
00:04:43,817 --> 00:04:46,396
I AM NOT YOUR WOMAN,
MALCOLM HEATHCLIFF!
110
00:04:46,420 --> 00:04:48,498
ARE YOU STILL TRYING
TO COME BETWEEN US?
111
00:04:48,522 --> 00:04:50,367
I'M JUST HERE TO
HANDLE THE HORSE.
112
00:04:50,391 --> 00:04:52,034
IF YOU'D JUST COME
UP ON THE OTHER SIDE,
113
00:04:52,058 --> 00:04:53,303
NONE OF THIS WOULD
HAVE HAPPENED.
114
00:04:53,327 --> 00:04:55,872
YOU REMEMBER MY WARNING TO YOU?
115
00:04:55,896 --> 00:04:57,274
YES, I DO. YOU SAID,
116
00:04:57,298 --> 00:04:59,175
"NEVER GO ALONE
DOWN A DARK LANE,"
117
00:04:59,199 --> 00:05:01,745
AND I SWEAR TO YOU, I
HAVEN'T BEEN NEAR ONE.
118
00:05:01,769 --> 00:05:04,947
DO YOU WANT TO GET
DOWN AND HAVE IT OUT NOW?
119
00:05:04,971 --> 00:05:06,616
WELL, ACTUALLY,
I'M MEETING A TRAIN.
120
00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:08,752
HE'S NOT AFRAID OF YOU,
MALCOLM HEATHCLIFF!
121
00:05:08,776 --> 00:05:09,753
OH, NO?
122
00:05:09,777 --> 00:05:12,989
HE COULD HAVE YOU FOR BREAKFAST!
123
00:05:13,013 --> 00:05:15,158
I'M ON A DIET.
124
00:05:15,182 --> 00:05:17,427
YOU NAME THE TIME AND THE PLACE,
125
00:05:17,451 --> 00:05:19,050
AND I'LL BE THERE!
126
00:05:21,888 --> 00:05:23,466
SORRY TO BARGE IN
127
00:05:23,490 --> 00:05:26,335
WHEN YOU GOT YOUR
SNOUTS IN THE TROUGH.
128
00:05:26,359 --> 00:05:28,071
I BROUGHT YOU SOME EGGS.
129
00:05:28,095 --> 00:05:31,006
MR. MOULTERD, HOW DARE YOU
COME IN WITHOUT KNOCKING?
130
00:05:31,030 --> 00:05:32,408
I'M IN MY DRESSING GOWN.
131
00:05:32,432 --> 00:05:34,910
I'VE SEEN YOU IN A
SIGHT LESS THAN THAT.
132
00:05:34,934 --> 00:05:37,513
NO, MR. MOULTERD, YOU HAVE NOT!
133
00:05:37,537 --> 00:05:39,415
THIS IS ALL IN YOUR IMAGINATION.
134
00:05:39,439 --> 00:05:41,750
WAS IT ALL IN ME IMAGINATION
135
00:05:41,774 --> 00:05:44,820
WHEN YOU WAS IN THE MISS
LOVELY LEGS COMPETITION
136
00:05:44,844 --> 00:05:48,958
IN 1942 IN TIVERTON?
137
00:05:48,982 --> 00:05:50,893
I DON'T REMEMBER
ANYTHING ABOUT THAT.
138
00:05:50,917 --> 00:05:54,785
WHO WON A LOBSTER
FOR COMING IN THIRD?
139
00:05:56,923 --> 00:05:59,102
HOW MANY WAS IN THE COMPETITION?
140
00:05:59,126 --> 00:06:00,225
FOUR.
141
00:06:02,095 --> 00:06:03,428
IT WAS 16!
142
00:06:05,865 --> 00:06:07,577
MIND YOU,
143
00:06:07,601 --> 00:06:11,046
SHE HAD A FIGURE
ON HER IN THEM DAYS.
144
00:06:11,070 --> 00:06:12,515
I BET IT'S STILL THERE
145
00:06:12,539 --> 00:06:14,172
SOMEWHERE UNDERNEATH.
146
00:06:15,375 --> 00:06:16,952
WHY COULDN'T YOU HAVE BEEN
147
00:06:16,976 --> 00:06:18,887
LIKE THE OTHER YOUNG
MEN OF YOUR ERA
148
00:06:18,911 --> 00:06:21,390
AND HAD AN OBSESSION
ABOUT BETTY GRABLE?
149
00:06:21,414 --> 00:06:24,127
OOH, I DID HAVE.
150
00:06:24,151 --> 00:06:26,311
BUT YOU WAS MORE AVAILABLE.
151
00:06:27,787 --> 00:06:30,699
MRS. SLOCOMBE, I THINK IT'S
ABOUT TIME YOU GOT READY.
152
00:06:30,723 --> 00:06:32,034
MR. THORPE'LL BE HERE SHORTLY.
153
00:06:32,058 --> 00:06:33,936
OH, WHAT DOES HE WANT THIS TIME?
154
00:06:33,960 --> 00:06:36,038
WELL, THERE'S SOME
QUERY ABOUT A CHECK
155
00:06:36,062 --> 00:06:37,740
FOR A BOOKING
MADE SOME TIME AGO.
156
00:06:37,764 --> 00:06:39,742
OH, WELL, I'D BETTER
GO AND RUN A BATH.
157
00:06:39,766 --> 00:06:42,133
WANT YOUR BACK SCRUBBED?
158
00:06:43,170 --> 00:06:45,781
MR. MOULTERD, ONE
MORE REMARK LIKE THAT
159
00:06:45,805 --> 00:06:47,750
AND YOU CAN TAKE A
WEEK'S WAGES AND GO.
160
00:06:47,774 --> 00:06:50,986
WELL, I AIN'T HAD A
WEEK'S WAGES YET.
161
00:06:51,010 --> 00:06:53,322
RIGHT. HERE'S THE
SCRAPS FOR THE GOAT.
162
00:06:53,346 --> 00:06:56,192
NOW BE OFF WITH YOU AND
WE'LL HAVE NO MORE OF YOUR LIP.
163
00:06:56,216 --> 00:06:57,376
YES, MISS.
164
00:06:59,519 --> 00:07:02,298
SEE, I RESPECT HER.
165
00:07:02,322 --> 00:07:04,634
HOW COME HE DOES
WHAT YOU TELL HIM?
166
00:07:04,658 --> 00:07:06,658
I'VE ALWAYS HAD A
WAY WITH ANIMALS.
167
00:07:14,834 --> 00:07:17,613
THAT WAS VERY
CHILLY AND VERY BUMPY.
168
00:07:17,637 --> 00:07:19,048
WHERE'S MR. HUMPHRIES?
169
00:07:19,072 --> 00:07:21,105
OH, HE HAD TO LIE DOWN.
170
00:07:22,642 --> 00:07:25,020
MAVIS HAS GOT A VERY
JEALOUS BOYFRIEND.
171
00:07:25,044 --> 00:07:26,422
THERE'S A NOTE ON IT.
172
00:07:26,446 --> 00:07:29,058
YOU READ IT, MISS BRAHMS.
MY HANDS ARE STILL SHAKING.
173
00:07:29,082 --> 00:07:30,926
YOU DON'T WANT TO PAY
NO HEED TO MALCOLM.
174
00:07:30,950 --> 00:07:32,461
HE'S JUST LARKING ABOUT.
175
00:07:32,485 --> 00:07:34,230
YOU KNOW WHAT BOYS ARE.
176
00:07:34,254 --> 00:07:35,864
I'M BEGINNING TO REMEMBER.
177
00:07:35,888 --> 00:07:38,701
"DON'T GO DOWN ANY
LANES, EVEN IN DAYLIGHT,
178
00:07:38,725 --> 00:07:40,503
OR YOU'LL FIND SOME ROUGH LADS
179
00:07:40,527 --> 00:07:42,026
WAITING FOR YOU."
180
00:07:43,029 --> 00:07:44,762
DECISIONS, DECISIONS.
181
00:07:47,234 --> 00:07:48,544
COME IN, MR. THORPE.
182
00:07:48,568 --> 00:07:49,712
SIT YOURSELF DOWN.
183
00:07:49,736 --> 00:07:52,748
MISS LOVELOCK, POUR
MR. THORPE A DRINK.
184
00:07:52,772 --> 00:07:55,918
WHAT'LL IT BE, MR. THORPE, A
WHISKEY, VODKA, GIN, BRANDY?
185
00:07:55,942 --> 00:07:58,421
YES, I'LL HAVE ONE OF THOSE.
186
00:07:58,445 --> 00:08:00,489
WITH A TWIST OF LEMON.
187
00:08:00,513 --> 00:08:03,158
OH, I HOPE I HAVEN'T KEPT
YOU WAITING, MR. THORPE,
188
00:08:03,182 --> 00:08:05,528
BUT I'VE HAD SUCH A SHOCK.
189
00:08:05,552 --> 00:08:06,995
I HEARD SUCH A MEOWING
190
00:08:07,019 --> 00:08:09,699
WHEN I WAS PUTTING
MY NIGHTCLOTHES AWAY,
191
00:08:09,723 --> 00:08:12,602
AND DO YOU KNOW, I
FOUND MY PUSSY TRAPPED
192
00:08:12,626 --> 00:08:14,169
IN MY DRAWERS!
193
00:08:14,193 --> 00:08:17,139
MAKE THAT A DOUBLE,
MISS LOVELOCK.
194
00:08:17,163 --> 00:08:19,108
NOW, AS I UNDERSTAND IT,
195
00:08:19,132 --> 00:08:21,210
A BOOKING WAS MADE
SOME MONTHS AGO,
196
00:08:21,234 --> 00:08:23,446
AND A CHECK WAS PAID
FOR A CULTURAL VISIT
197
00:08:23,470 --> 00:08:25,514
FOR A PARTY FROM...
WHERE WAS IT?
198
00:08:25,538 --> 00:08:26,815
OUTER MONGOLIA.
199
00:08:26,839 --> 00:08:27,916
WHERE'S THAT?
200
00:08:27,940 --> 00:08:30,419
NEXT TO INNER MONGOLIA.
201
00:08:30,443 --> 00:08:31,754
WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
202
00:08:31,778 --> 00:08:34,123
WELL, THE CURRENCY FROM
THAT PART OF THE WORLD
203
00:08:34,147 --> 00:08:35,491
FLUCTUATES A LOT.
204
00:08:35,515 --> 00:08:36,992
WHAT'S THE RATE OF EXCHANGE?
205
00:08:37,016 --> 00:08:38,661
WELL, AT THE TIME
OF THE BOOKING,
206
00:08:38,685 --> 00:08:42,531
THE MONGOLIAN DUNG
WAS 200 TO THE POUND,
207
00:08:42,555 --> 00:08:46,769
UNFORTUNATELY,
THE DUNG HAS FALLEN.
208
00:08:46,793 --> 00:08:48,738
WELL, WHERE DOES THAT LEAVE US?
209
00:08:48,762 --> 00:08:51,128
DEEP IN THE MONGOLIAN CURRENCY.
210
00:08:52,231 --> 00:08:55,678
IT STANDS TODAY
AT 500 TO THE POUND.
211
00:08:55,702 --> 00:08:58,347
YES, I HAD HOPED, MR. THORPE,
212
00:08:58,371 --> 00:08:59,615
THAT THE GRACE TRUST FUND
213
00:08:59,639 --> 00:09:01,216
WOULD MAKE UP THE SHORTFALL.
214
00:09:01,240 --> 00:09:03,152
NO, I'M AFRAID
THAT'S NOT POSSIBLE.
215
00:09:03,176 --> 00:09:05,354
A COUPLE OF CLAUSES
WERE TYPED IN
216
00:09:05,378 --> 00:09:07,456
SHORTLY BEFORE HIS DEMISE.
217
00:09:07,480 --> 00:09:08,724
WERE THEY WITNESSED?
218
00:09:08,748 --> 00:09:11,193
YES, BY MISS LOVELOCK.
219
00:09:11,217 --> 00:09:14,029
I WAS THERE. I HAD TO TYPE
THEM AT 3:00 IN THE MORNING.
220
00:09:14,053 --> 00:09:16,299
MR. GRACE TOOK OUT HIS
PORTABLE THERE AND THEN
221
00:09:16,323 --> 00:09:17,966
AND MADE ME TAKE THEM DOWN.
222
00:09:17,990 --> 00:09:21,103
AHH, THE ENERGY OF THE MAN.
223
00:09:21,127 --> 00:09:23,706
HE ALSO INITIALED THEM.
224
00:09:23,730 --> 00:09:25,675
IN A VERY SHAKY HAND.
225
00:09:25,699 --> 00:09:27,209
WELL, IT'S PERFECTLY SIMPLE.
226
00:09:27,233 --> 00:09:28,477
WE JUST GIVE THEM
BED AND BREAKFAST.
227
00:09:28,501 --> 00:09:30,279
IT'S NOT AS SIMPLE AS ALL THAT,
228
00:09:30,303 --> 00:09:32,281
WE CONTRACTED FOR FULL BOARD.
229
00:09:32,305 --> 00:09:34,617
ALSO, WHAT YOU MIGHT CALL A...
230
00:09:34,641 --> 00:09:36,285
A CULTURAL EVENT.
231
00:09:36,309 --> 00:09:37,787
NOW, WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
232
00:09:37,811 --> 00:09:39,822
I THINK YOUNG
MR. GRACE'S INTENTION
233
00:09:39,846 --> 00:09:42,024
WAS TO HIRE PEOPLE
FROM THE ROYAL BALLET,
234
00:09:42,048 --> 00:09:44,560
THE ENGLISH NATIONAL OPERA,
AND STRATFORD-UPON-AVON
235
00:09:44,584 --> 00:09:46,161
TO PERFORM EXTRACTS.
236
00:09:46,185 --> 00:09:48,063
WELL, WE CERTAINLY
CAN'T AFFORD THAT.
237
00:09:48,087 --> 00:09:51,900
MIND YOU, I ONCE SOLD
VANESSA REDGRAVE A RED BERET.
238
00:09:51,924 --> 00:09:55,137
AND A MACKINTOSH
AND A PAIR OF PLIMSOLLS.
239
00:09:55,161 --> 00:09:57,873
I WONDER IF SHE'D REMEMBER.
240
00:09:57,897 --> 00:10:00,042
THAT'S RATHER A
LONGSHOT, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
241
00:10:00,066 --> 00:10:01,906
WELL, SHE OFTEN WEARS THEM.
242
00:10:03,035 --> 00:10:05,047
WELL, DO WE HAVE ANY
OTHER CONNECTIONS
243
00:10:05,071 --> 00:10:07,015
WITH THEATER OR MUSIC?
244
00:10:07,039 --> 00:10:09,574
WELL, I ONCE TURNED OVER
FOR SIR MALCOLM SERGEANT.
245
00:10:11,043 --> 00:10:12,355
WELL, THEY'VE PAID THEIR MONEY,
246
00:10:12,379 --> 00:10:14,189
SO THEY'LL EXPECT SOMETHING,
247
00:10:14,213 --> 00:10:15,458
BE IT EVER SO HUMBLE.
248
00:10:15,482 --> 00:10:17,626
WELL, YOU CAN FORGET
THE NATIONAL OPERA
249
00:10:17,650 --> 00:10:18,894
AND THE ROYAL BALLET.
250
00:10:18,918 --> 00:10:20,128
LET'S SEE WHAT WE CAN FIND
251
00:10:20,152 --> 00:10:21,997
IN THE LOCAL AMATEUR SOCIETIES.
252
00:10:22,021 --> 00:10:24,299
WELL, TIME IS ON OUR SIDE.
253
00:10:24,323 --> 00:10:26,758
I SHALL PUT AN ADVERTISEMENT
IN THE LOCAL PAPER.
254
00:10:31,097 --> 00:10:33,376
I'VE BROUGHT THE POST.
255
00:10:33,400 --> 00:10:34,944
SIT YOURSELF DOWN, MR. RUMBOLD,
256
00:10:34,968 --> 00:10:36,946
I'M JUST MAKING SOME COFFEE.
257
00:10:36,970 --> 00:10:38,881
MOSTLY BILLS, I'M AFRAID.
258
00:10:38,905 --> 00:10:40,950
ANY REPLIES TO
YOUR ADVERTISEMENT
259
00:10:40,974 --> 00:10:43,252
ABOUT CULTURAL TALENT?
260
00:10:43,276 --> 00:10:44,753
WELL... THERE'S A MAN HERE
261
00:10:44,777 --> 00:10:47,323
WHO OFFERS TO PUT
FERRETS DOWN HIS TROUSERS
262
00:10:47,347 --> 00:10:49,459
TO THE STRAINS OF
HANDEL'S WATER MUSIC.
263
00:10:49,483 --> 00:10:51,416
OH. HOW MANY FERRETS?
264
00:10:52,552 --> 00:10:54,697
HIS RECORD IS SEVEN.
265
00:10:54,721 --> 00:10:56,065
MY DAD USED TO DO THAT.
266
00:10:56,089 --> 00:10:57,766
HE USED TO PUT SIX FERRETS
267
00:10:57,790 --> 00:10:58,968
DOWN HIS TROUSERS,
268
00:10:58,992 --> 00:11:00,536
AND THEN DO A CLOG DANCE,
269
00:11:00,560 --> 00:11:01,670
BUT HE HAD TO GIVE IT UP
270
00:11:01,694 --> 00:11:04,134
'CAUSE THE FERRETS
WENT ON STRIKE.
271
00:11:05,932 --> 00:11:08,144
I'M NOT SURPRISED.
272
00:11:08,168 --> 00:11:10,701
I THINK THE NOISE OF THE
CLOGS GIVE THEM AN HEADACHE.
273
00:11:12,905 --> 00:11:14,939
WELL, THAT'S ALL WE HAVE SO FAR.
274
00:11:16,676 --> 00:11:18,954
WHAT HAVE YOU GOT IN
YOUR PARCEL, MR. HUMPHRIES?
275
00:11:18,978 --> 00:11:20,923
ME MOTHER'S SENT
ME ME PHOTO ALBUM.
276
00:11:20,947 --> 00:11:22,625
OH, LET'S HAVE A LOOK.
277
00:11:22,649 --> 00:11:24,360
OH, NO, NO, IT'S
TOO EMBARRASSING.
278
00:11:24,384 --> 00:11:26,895
- OH GO ON.
- OH, ALL RIGHT.
279
00:11:26,919 --> 00:11:27,896
OH, LOOK AT THAT.
280
00:11:27,920 --> 00:11:29,132
LOOK, LOOK AT THAT.
281
00:11:29,156 --> 00:11:30,500
THAT'S ME, STARK NAKED,
282
00:11:30,524 --> 00:11:32,468
EXCEPT FOR A NAPPY
ON A HEARTH RUG.
283
00:11:32,492 --> 00:11:33,536
AWW.
284
00:11:33,560 --> 00:11:34,970
HOW OLD WERE YOU?
285
00:11:34,994 --> 00:11:36,761
27.
286
00:11:39,832 --> 00:11:42,512
I'D BEEN TO A FANCY DRESS PARTY.
287
00:11:42,536 --> 00:11:45,615
I PASSED OUT IN THE PARLOR.
288
00:11:45,639 --> 00:11:46,715
NOW, LET ME SEE...
289
00:11:46,739 --> 00:11:49,252
THERE'S ME AS A
LITTLE BABY, LOOK.
290
00:11:49,276 --> 00:11:53,656
THERE'S ME GRANDDAD
THROWING ME IN THE AIR.
291
00:11:53,680 --> 00:11:55,760
THERE'S ME GRANDDAD MISSING ME.
292
00:11:59,219 --> 00:12:00,618
THERE'S THE AMBULANCE.
293
00:12:02,121 --> 00:12:03,533
AND THERE'S ME GRANDMA
294
00:12:03,557 --> 00:12:06,001
STANDING ON ME
LIFE SUPPORT SYSTEM.
295
00:12:06,025 --> 00:12:09,205
OH, DON'T TELL ME
YOU NEARLY DIED?
296
00:12:09,229 --> 00:12:11,641
WELL, IT WAS TOUCH AND GO.
297
00:12:11,665 --> 00:12:12,908
I WAS UNCONSCIOUS,
298
00:12:12,932 --> 00:12:14,677
I WAS GOING DOWN
THIS LONG TUNNEL,
299
00:12:14,701 --> 00:12:16,445
AND THERE WAS A MAN AT THE END
300
00:12:16,469 --> 00:12:18,747
WAGGING HIS FINGER LIKE THAT.
301
00:12:18,771 --> 00:12:21,484
HE SAID, "WE'RE NOT
READY FOR YOU YET.
302
00:12:21,508 --> 00:12:24,175
AND WE'RE NOT SURE
WHEN WE WILL BE."
303
00:12:26,012 --> 00:12:27,923
DID HE HAVE WINGS LIKE AN ANGEL?
304
00:12:27,947 --> 00:12:30,315
NO, HE WAS DRESSED
AS A BUS CONDUCTOR.
305
00:12:31,918 --> 00:12:33,262
DO YOU KNOW, I BELIEVE
306
00:12:33,286 --> 00:12:34,997
THERE IS A LIFE
AFTER WE POP OFF?
307
00:12:35,021 --> 00:12:36,932
I BELIEVE IT'S JUST
LIKE CHURCH WINDOWS
308
00:12:36,956 --> 00:12:38,634
WITH LOVELY MUSIC PLAYING
309
00:12:38,658 --> 00:12:40,703
AND EVERYONE BEING
KIND TO EACH OTHER.
310
00:12:40,727 --> 00:12:42,538
IT SOUNDS VERY BORING.
311
00:12:42,562 --> 00:12:45,441
DON'T TELL ME YOU'RE
AN HEATHEN UNBELIEVER?
312
00:12:45,465 --> 00:12:47,343
MR. RUMBOLD!
313
00:12:47,367 --> 00:12:50,246
WELL, I DID HAVE A VERY
STRANGE EXPERIENCE ONCE.
314
00:12:50,270 --> 00:12:52,781
I REGRESSED TO A PREVIOUS LIFE.
315
00:12:52,805 --> 00:12:54,049
IT WAS MY DENTIST THAT DID IT.
316
00:12:54,073 --> 00:12:55,818
HE SAID I WENT INTO A TRANCE
317
00:12:55,842 --> 00:12:57,922
WHILE I WAS HAVING
GAS FOR THESE CAPS.
318
00:12:59,646 --> 00:13:02,714
OH, YES, SOME OF
THEM ARE QUITE LIFELIKE.
319
00:13:04,718 --> 00:13:06,995
APPARENTLY, DURING THE TRANCE,
320
00:13:07,019 --> 00:13:09,932
I REMEMBERED BEING
SOMETHING BIG IN ANCIENT EGYPT.
321
00:13:09,956 --> 00:13:11,822
OH. A SPHINX?
322
00:13:13,293 --> 00:13:15,438
NONE OF WHICH
BRINGS US ANY CLOSER
323
00:13:15,462 --> 00:13:18,140
TO SOLVING OUR CULTURAL
ENTERTAINMENT PROBLEM.
324
00:13:18,164 --> 00:13:20,175
WELL, I'M SURPRISED
THAT SO FEW PEOPLE
325
00:13:20,199 --> 00:13:21,977
HAVE REPLIED TO
OUR ADVERTISEMENT.
326
00:13:22,001 --> 00:13:23,346
WELL, FOLKS ROUND HERE
327
00:13:23,370 --> 00:13:25,948
DON'T LIKE TO PUSH
THEMSELVES AND SHOW OFF.
328
00:13:25,972 --> 00:13:27,750
BUT WE'VE HAD SOME FINE SHOWS
329
00:13:27,774 --> 00:13:29,418
DOWN THE VILLAGE.
330
00:13:29,442 --> 00:13:31,186
OH, DAD KNOWS ALL THE PEOPLE.
331
00:13:31,210 --> 00:13:33,322
IF YOU TELL HIM WHAT YOU WANT,
332
00:13:33,346 --> 00:13:35,157
HE'LL FIND THEM FOR YOU.
333
00:13:35,181 --> 00:13:37,460
HELLO?
334
00:13:37,484 --> 00:13:39,828
THIS IS MAURICE MOULTERD.
335
00:13:39,852 --> 00:13:42,431
IS YOUR MOTHER IN?
336
00:13:42,455 --> 00:13:44,233
I CAN'T SPEAK NO LOUDER.
337
00:13:44,257 --> 00:13:45,968
I'M HAVING TO SPEAK QUIET
338
00:13:45,992 --> 00:13:48,137
'CAUSE I'M AT THE MANOR.
339
00:13:48,161 --> 00:13:49,338
ASK YOUR MOTHER
340
00:13:49,362 --> 00:13:51,574
IF SHE CAN STILL GET HER LEGS
341
00:13:51,598 --> 00:13:52,963
ROUND THAT CELLO.
342
00:13:54,801 --> 00:13:57,513
HE DON'T HEAR TOO GOOD.
343
00:13:57,537 --> 00:14:00,483
OH, THE POOR LITTLE
LAD. HOW OLD IS HE?
344
00:14:00,507 --> 00:14:01,572
62.
345
00:14:03,777 --> 00:14:05,321
SHE CAN?
346
00:14:05,345 --> 00:14:07,690
WELL, ASK HER TO GET
ROUND TO THE MANOR
347
00:14:07,714 --> 00:14:09,314
THIS AFTERNOON AT 3:00.
348
00:14:11,818 --> 00:14:13,763
WELL, THAT'S A FEW I GOT FOR YA.
349
00:14:13,787 --> 00:14:15,687
THERE'S THE LIST.
350
00:14:16,989 --> 00:14:18,401
WELL, THAT'S REALLY VERY GOOD.
351
00:14:18,425 --> 00:14:19,402
NOW THEN,
352
00:14:19,426 --> 00:14:21,771
WHO'S GOING TO AUDITION THEM?
353
00:14:21,795 --> 00:14:23,739
WELL, I WAS AT THE BALLET SCHOOL
354
00:14:23,763 --> 00:14:24,807
AS A CHILD.
355
00:14:24,831 --> 00:14:26,542
I'LL HAVE A LOOK AT THE DANCERS.
356
00:14:26,566 --> 00:14:28,744
AND I KNOW QUITE
A BIT ABOUT SINGING.
357
00:14:28,768 --> 00:14:32,948
OH, I'M SUCH A FAN OF
THAT NEW ZEALAND SINGER,
358
00:14:32,972 --> 00:14:35,139
KIRI TIRI WHIRRY
WHAT'S-HER-NAME.
359
00:14:36,142 --> 00:14:37,620
YOU AND MRS. AXELBY
360
00:14:37,644 --> 00:14:39,221
USED TO DO DUETS, DIDN'T YOU?
361
00:14:39,245 --> 00:14:41,424
"NELLIE DEAN" DOWN
THE DUCK AND FEATHER.
362
00:14:41,448 --> 00:14:43,192
WELL, ON OCCASION.
363
00:14:43,216 --> 00:14:45,961
BUT OF COURSE WE DID THE
CLASSICS AS WELL, YOU KNOW.
364
00:14:45,985 --> 00:14:48,997
I REMEMBER ONE NIGHT
AFTER CLOSING TIME,
365
00:14:49,021 --> 00:14:50,966
WE DID THE "BARBER OF SEVILLE"
366
00:14:50,990 --> 00:14:52,468
IN THE SNUG.
367
00:14:52,492 --> 00:14:56,071
I'LL BET HE WISHED HE'D
SUPPED UP AND GONE HOME.
368
00:14:56,095 --> 00:14:58,541
I'LL VOLUNTEER TO
AUDITION ANYBODY
369
00:14:58,565 --> 00:15:01,076
WHO ASPIRES TO
RENDER SHAKESPEARE.
370
00:15:01,100 --> 00:15:04,714
OH, YES, CAPTAIN PEACOCK,
YOU HAVE SUCH A MELLOW TONE.
371
00:15:04,738 --> 00:15:07,817
I'M SURPRISED YOU DIDN'T
BECOME A BBC ANNOUNCER.
372
00:15:07,841 --> 00:15:10,686
SURELY YOU MUST'VE BEEN AT
SOME TIME, CAPTAIN PEACOCK?
373
00:15:10,710 --> 00:15:13,021
IT WAS BETWEEN ME AND ROBIN DAY.
374
00:15:13,045 --> 00:15:15,680
UNFORTUNATELY,
I WAS TOO LIKABLE.
375
00:15:17,183 --> 00:15:19,362
WELL, I USED TO HAVE
ELOCUTION LESSONS
376
00:15:19,386 --> 00:15:24,066
BUT YOU FEEL SUCH A BERK
TALKING POSH IN CATFORD.
377
00:15:24,090 --> 00:15:25,401
YOU KNOW, THAT'S A SIDE OF YOU
378
00:15:25,425 --> 00:15:27,737
I'M NOT ACQUAINTED
WITH, MISS BRAHMS?
379
00:15:27,761 --> 00:15:29,938
( posh accent ) THE
LAZY BROWN FOX
380
00:15:29,962 --> 00:15:31,574
JUMPED OVER THE BROWN COW
381
00:15:31,598 --> 00:15:33,765
AND THE DOG RAN
AWAY WITH THE SPOON.
382
00:15:35,435 --> 00:15:37,145
DO YOU OFTEN USE THAT SENTENCE
383
00:15:37,169 --> 00:15:38,313
IN CONVERSATION?
384
00:15:38,337 --> 00:15:40,048
( posh accent ) ONLY
WHEN SOMEONE
385
00:15:40,072 --> 00:15:41,506
GETS UP MY HOOTER.
386
00:15:43,877 --> 00:15:45,020
WHO'S THAT?
387
00:15:45,044 --> 00:15:46,889
OH, THAT'S ME AND
THE GIRL NEXT DOOR.
388
00:15:46,913 --> 00:15:48,924
SHE LOOKS QUITE NICE.
389
00:15:48,948 --> 00:15:50,793
WAS THERE ANYTHING
BETWEEN YOU TWO?
390
00:15:50,817 --> 00:15:52,428
ONLY THE FENCE.
391
00:15:52,452 --> 00:15:54,463
WHEN I WAS LITTLE,
SHE USED TO PLAY
392
00:15:54,487 --> 00:15:55,865
WITH MY HORNBY.
393
00:15:55,889 --> 00:15:57,466
AND I USED TO SPRING CLEAN
394
00:15:57,490 --> 00:15:58,934
HER DOLL'S HOUSE.
395
00:15:58,958 --> 00:16:01,103
THAT'S PROBABLY
WHY YOU'RE SO TIDY.
396
00:16:01,127 --> 00:16:03,205
YOU KEEP OUR ROOM LOVELY.
397
00:16:03,229 --> 00:16:04,740
WELL, ME MOTHER ALWAYS SAYS,
398
00:16:04,764 --> 00:16:07,342
"A PLACE FOR EVERYTHING
AND EVERYTHING IN ITS PLACE."
399
00:16:07,366 --> 00:16:09,211
YOU OUGHT TO LET ME
TAKE CARE OF ALL THAT.
400
00:16:09,235 --> 00:16:11,447
GIVE YOU TIME FOR
MORE MANLY THINGS,
401
00:16:11,471 --> 00:16:13,382
LIKE HAVING A
SCRAP WITH MALCOLM.
402
00:16:13,406 --> 00:16:14,617
MAVIS, I'VE BEEN MEANING
403
00:16:14,641 --> 00:16:15,984
TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT THIS.
404
00:16:16,008 --> 00:16:17,887
COULDN'T YOU WRITE HIM
A LETTER OR SOMETHING
405
00:16:17,911 --> 00:16:19,054
AND SAY THERE'S NOTHING IN IT?
406
00:16:19,078 --> 00:16:21,490
WELL, I DID TRY
TO EXPLAIN TO HIM.
407
00:16:21,514 --> 00:16:23,726
I TOLD HIM THAT ALL WE
DO IS SLEEP TOGETHER,
408
00:16:23,750 --> 00:16:25,795
AND HE HIT THE ROOF.
409
00:16:25,819 --> 00:16:28,397
COULDN'T YOUR DAD
TALK TO HIS MOM?
410
00:16:28,421 --> 00:16:30,065
MALCOLM WON'T START NOTHING.
411
00:16:30,089 --> 00:16:33,135
UNLESS HE'S HAD
TOO MUCH TO DRINK.
412
00:16:33,159 --> 00:16:36,138
OR HE'S HAD A BAD DAY
ON HIS OLD TRACTOR...
413
00:16:36,162 --> 00:16:38,841
OR HE'S GOT THAT
RINGING IN HIS EARS...
414
00:16:38,865 --> 00:16:40,543
OR HE LOSES AT DARTS!
415
00:16:40,567 --> 00:16:42,144
WHAT'S HE LIKE WHEN IT RAINS?
416
00:16:42,168 --> 00:16:43,378
TERRIBLE!
417
00:16:43,402 --> 00:16:44,547
WHAT YOU DOING?
418
00:16:44,571 --> 00:16:47,204
I'M LOOKING FOR THE
WEATHER FORECAST.
419
00:16:48,908 --> 00:16:51,186
ARE YOU READY FOR
MRS. CLEGHAMPTON?
420
00:16:51,210 --> 00:16:52,688
OH, YES, YES, YES.
421
00:16:52,712 --> 00:16:54,623
SHE'S ROSINED HER BOW.
422
00:16:54,647 --> 00:16:56,291
SHE'S GOING TO GIVE
US HER IMPERSONATION
423
00:16:56,315 --> 00:16:57,693
OF JULIAN LLOYD WEBBER.
424
00:16:57,717 --> 00:16:59,194
I HOPE SHE'S NOT GOING TO DO
425
00:16:59,218 --> 00:17:00,829
ANYTHING TOO DIFFICULT.
426
00:17:00,853 --> 00:17:02,297
WELL, AT HER AGE,
427
00:17:02,321 --> 00:17:05,723
GETTING HER LEGS ROUND
THE CELLO AIN'T EASY.
428
00:17:07,560 --> 00:17:09,293
MRS. CLEGHAMPTON!
429
00:17:21,741 --> 00:17:23,318
WHY ARE WE APPLAUDING HER?
430
00:17:23,342 --> 00:17:24,942
GETTING THERE.
431
00:17:26,546 --> 00:17:29,157
THANK YOU FOR COMING
ALONG, MRS. CLEGHAMPTON.
432
00:17:29,181 --> 00:17:31,192
I THINK AS I'M ORGANIZING THIS,
433
00:17:31,216 --> 00:17:32,961
I'D BETTER DO THE TALKING.
434
00:17:32,985 --> 00:17:36,031
COULD YOU GIVE US A RESUME
OF YOUR PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE?
435
00:17:36,055 --> 00:17:40,168
YOU MAY NOT BELIEVE
THIS, BUT 40 YEARS AGO,
436
00:17:40,192 --> 00:17:42,827
I PLAYED WITH SIR
THOMAS BEECHAM.
437
00:17:44,363 --> 00:17:47,476
STRANGELY ENOUGH I'VE
JUST READ HIS AUTOBIOGRAPHY.
438
00:17:47,500 --> 00:17:48,811
DID HE MENTION...?
439
00:17:48,835 --> 00:17:51,046
- MENTION WHAT?
- MRS. CLEGHAMPTON?
440
00:17:51,070 --> 00:17:52,347
NOT THAT I RECALL.
441
00:17:52,371 --> 00:17:55,083
I'M SURPRISED HE FORGOT.
442
00:17:55,107 --> 00:17:57,786
WHERE IS YOUR INSTRUMENT,
MRS. CLEGHAMPTON?
443
00:17:57,810 --> 00:17:59,621
OH, I CAN'T CARRY IT,
444
00:17:59,645 --> 00:18:03,124
I HAVE ENOUGH TROUBLE
PLAYING IT. IT'S OUTSIDE.
445
00:18:03,148 --> 00:18:06,829
MR. MOULTERD, MRS.
CLEGHAMPTON'S CELLO, PLEASE.
446
00:18:06,853 --> 00:18:08,564
WHEN DID YOU MAKE YOUR DEBUT?
447
00:18:08,588 --> 00:18:10,098
BEG PARDON?
448
00:18:10,122 --> 00:18:13,156
WHEN WAS THE FIRST TIME
YOU PERFORMED IN PUBLIC?
449
00:18:16,028 --> 00:18:17,988
THAT'D BE TELLING, WOULDN'T IT?
450
00:18:19,765 --> 00:18:22,110
I THINK IT'S BETTER IF I
HANDLE THIS, PEACOCK.
451
00:18:22,134 --> 00:18:25,146
WHEN DID YOU GIVE UP
PLAYING PROFESSIONALLY?
452
00:18:25,170 --> 00:18:27,115
WHEN MY G-STRING BROKE
453
00:18:27,139 --> 00:18:29,485
ON THE LAST NIGHT OF THE PROMS.
454
00:18:29,509 --> 00:18:32,943
I WONDER IF THAT WAS
UNDER SIR THOMAS?
455
00:18:33,980 --> 00:18:35,713
YOUR CELLO.
456
00:18:50,095 --> 00:18:52,997
IS SHE GOING TO
PLAY IT OR RIDE IT?
457
00:18:56,402 --> 00:18:59,102
SIR THOMAS MUST'VE
BEEN A VERY PATIENT MAN.
458
00:19:01,874 --> 00:19:04,085
I'VE GIVEN HER 10 POINTS ALREADY
459
00:19:04,109 --> 00:19:06,221
AND SHE HASN'T PLAYED ANYTHING.
460
00:19:06,245 --> 00:19:09,257
SHALL I START?
461
00:19:09,281 --> 00:19:11,192
MAY WE KNOW WHAT
THE PIECE IS CALLED?
462
00:19:11,216 --> 00:19:14,129
"THE DYING SWAN,"
BY SAINT-SAENS.
463
00:19:14,153 --> 00:19:16,064
SAINSBURY'S?
464
00:19:16,088 --> 00:19:17,399
SAINT-SAENS.
465
00:19:17,423 --> 00:19:18,867
AH. OH, GOOD.
466
00:19:18,891 --> 00:19:21,992
BUT I DON'T DO THE
TWIDDLY BITS NO MORE.
467
00:19:23,563 --> 00:19:25,996
( playing amateurishly )
468
00:19:31,170 --> 00:19:32,803
( meowing along )
469
00:19:41,047 --> 00:19:43,124
( playing high note )
470
00:19:43,148 --> 00:19:45,783
( playing I Want To Be Happy )
471
00:19:50,823 --> 00:19:52,990
( all applauding )
472
00:19:57,563 --> 00:19:59,908
All: NEXT!
473
00:19:59,932 --> 00:20:02,410
VERY POLITE, THESE
MONGOLIANS, AREN'T THEY?
474
00:20:02,434 --> 00:20:04,179
WITH ALL THEIR BOWING AND THAT.
475
00:20:04,203 --> 00:20:05,981
I THOUGHT THEY'D
HAVE BIG MOUSTACHES
476
00:20:06,005 --> 00:20:07,482
AND SPIKES ON THEIR HELMETS
477
00:20:07,506 --> 00:20:08,951
LIKE YUL BRYNNER.
478
00:20:08,975 --> 00:20:11,019
INSTEAD OF WHICH, THE
ONE WITH THE GUCCI BOOTS
479
00:20:11,043 --> 00:20:12,955
LOOKS JUST LIKE LIONEL BLAIR.
480
00:20:12,979 --> 00:20:14,623
NOW, THEY SAY THEY'RE VERY KEEN
481
00:20:14,647 --> 00:20:15,791
ON RICE IN MONGOLIA,
482
00:20:15,815 --> 00:20:17,726
SO I'M STEAMING
LONG RICE IN THIS POT,
483
00:20:17,750 --> 00:20:19,127
AND SHORT RICE IN THIS ONE.
484
00:20:19,151 --> 00:20:20,462
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?
485
00:20:20,486 --> 00:20:23,231
OH, ABOUT THAT MUCH.
486
00:20:23,255 --> 00:20:26,334
THEY'VE SENT A BOX OF
FOOD DOWN FOR THEM TO EAT.
487
00:20:26,358 --> 00:20:27,535
OH. WHAT'S IN IT?
488
00:20:27,559 --> 00:20:29,437
DON'T KNOW. I CAN'T
READ MONGOLIAN.
489
00:20:29,461 --> 00:20:31,539
THERE'S A PICTURE
ON THE TIN, THOUGH,
490
00:20:31,563 --> 00:20:33,723
LOOKS LIKE A FROG WITH ANTLERS.
491
00:20:34,600 --> 00:20:36,333
OH! WHO'S DONE THAT?
492
00:20:37,469 --> 00:20:38,914
IT'S THAT MALCOLM!
493
00:20:38,938 --> 00:20:40,816
IF YOU DO THAT AGAIN,
MALCOLM HEATHCLIFF,
494
00:20:40,840 --> 00:20:44,385
MR. HUMPHRIES'LL
GIVE YOU WHAT FOR!
495
00:20:44,409 --> 00:20:46,655
HE'S RUN OFF. HE'S
FRIGHTENED OF YOU.
496
00:20:46,679 --> 00:20:48,490
HAS HE SENT YOU A MESSAGE?
497
00:20:48,514 --> 00:20:50,225
HE OBVIOUSLY COULDN'T
AFFORD A STAMP.
498
00:20:50,249 --> 00:20:51,827
WHAT'S IT SAY?
499
00:20:51,851 --> 00:20:54,863
"IF YOU GO DOWN IN
THE WOODS TODAY,
500
00:20:54,887 --> 00:20:56,898
YOU'RE IN FOR A BIG SURPRISE."
501
00:20:56,922 --> 00:20:59,735
YOU'LL HAVE TO GO,
JUST TO CALL HIS BLUFF.
502
00:20:59,759 --> 00:21:01,892
IF I GO, I'LL HAVE TO
CALL AN AMBULANCE.
503
00:21:02,895 --> 00:21:04,239
THEY'LL BE DOWN ANY MINUTE NOW.
504
00:21:04,263 --> 00:21:06,341
NOW, ARE WE QUITE CLEAR
WHAT WE'RE GOING TO DO?
505
00:21:06,365 --> 00:21:07,909
WELL, WE DIDN'T HAVE MUCH LUCK
506
00:21:07,933 --> 00:21:09,144
WITH THE LOCAL TALENT,
507
00:21:09,168 --> 00:21:10,679
BUT I THINK WE CAN GIVE THEM
508
00:21:10,703 --> 00:21:12,213
A TASTE OF BRITISH CULTURE,
509
00:21:12,237 --> 00:21:13,314
ONE WAY OR ANOTHER.
510
00:21:13,338 --> 00:21:15,383
WELL, AS NONE OF
THEM SPEAK ENGLISH,
511
00:21:15,407 --> 00:21:16,852
I EXPECT WE CAN
GET AWAY WITH IT.
512
00:21:16,876 --> 00:21:18,654
ONE HOPES THAT
THEY'RE GOING TO GET
513
00:21:18,678 --> 00:21:20,310
THEIR DUNG'S WORTH.
514
00:21:25,117 --> 00:21:26,628
GOOD HEAVENS! WHAT'S THIS?
515
00:21:26,652 --> 00:21:28,797
OH, CAPTAIN PEACOCK
AND MRS. SLOCOMBE
516
00:21:28,821 --> 00:21:30,532
ARE GOING TO PERFORM AN EXTRACT
517
00:21:30,556 --> 00:21:31,733
FROM AN OPERETTA.
518
00:21:31,757 --> 00:21:33,501
THEY'RE GOING TO
SING "THE DONKEY SONG"
519
00:21:33,525 --> 00:21:34,703
FROM VERONIQUE.
520
00:21:34,727 --> 00:21:36,304
WHAT DOES THE DONKEY DO?
521
00:21:36,328 --> 00:21:37,861
NOTHING, I HOPE.
522
00:21:39,865 --> 00:21:44,146
I JUST WALKS HIM ON, THEY SINGS,
523
00:21:44,170 --> 00:21:46,481
THEN I WALKS HIM OFF.
524
00:21:46,505 --> 00:21:48,216
I THINK IT WILL BE BETTER
525
00:21:48,240 --> 00:21:49,951
IF YOU KEPT HIM AT
THE BACK OUT OF SIGHT
526
00:21:49,975 --> 00:21:51,820
UNTIL I GIVE YOU THE
CUE, MR. MOULTERD.
527
00:21:51,844 --> 00:21:54,556
OH, I'LL TETHER HIM. COME ON.
528
00:21:54,580 --> 00:21:56,357
THE INTERPRETER
GAVE ME THE MUSIC
529
00:21:56,381 --> 00:21:58,259
FOR THE OUTER MONGOLIAN
NATIONAL ANTHEM,
530
00:21:58,283 --> 00:21:59,828
SO WE'RE OFF TO A GOOD START.
531
00:21:59,852 --> 00:22:03,464
AH, THIS IS MISS LONG WEE,
532
00:22:03,488 --> 00:22:05,400
THE INTERPRETER.
533
00:22:05,424 --> 00:22:06,724
YES, WE'VE ALREADY MET.
534
00:22:07,727 --> 00:22:08,904
SO?
535
00:22:08,928 --> 00:22:10,072
SO.
536
00:22:10,096 --> 00:22:11,073
SO?
537
00:22:11,097 --> 00:22:12,074
SO.
538
00:22:12,098 --> 00:22:14,109
SO, WHAT HAPPENS?
539
00:22:14,133 --> 00:22:16,311
SO, I THINK WE'RE
NEARLY READY TO BEGIN.
540
00:22:16,335 --> 00:22:18,335
AH. MISS WEE?
541
00:22:21,506 --> 00:22:23,874
( playing fanfare )
542
00:22:33,185 --> 00:22:36,264
TO BEGIN WITH, THE
MONGOLIAN NATIONAL ANTHEM,
543
00:22:36,288 --> 00:22:39,201
PLAYED BY MR. RUMBOLD
ON THE PIANO,
544
00:22:39,225 --> 00:22:41,025
AND MY DAD ON THE GONG.
545
00:22:45,397 --> 00:22:47,731
( translating )
546
00:22:56,408 --> 00:22:57,408
( pauses )
547
00:22:58,410 --> 00:23:00,677
( continues speaking )
548
00:23:06,018 --> 00:23:08,230
HAVE YA DONE?
549
00:23:08,254 --> 00:23:09,619
YES.
550
00:23:11,891 --> 00:23:13,891
( playing piano )
551
00:23:19,698 --> 00:23:20,964
( song ends )
552
00:23:26,272 --> 00:23:27,548
Mavis: THANK YOU.
553
00:23:27,572 --> 00:23:29,951
AND NOW, FROM THE WORLD
OF ENGLISH LIGHT OPERA,
554
00:23:29,975 --> 00:23:32,821
AN EXTRACT FROM
VERONIQUE BY MASSINGER,
555
00:23:32,845 --> 00:23:35,757
SUNG BY THEM WORLD
RENOWNED DUETTISTS,
556
00:23:35,781 --> 00:23:37,959
PEACOCK AND SLOCOMBE.
557
00:23:37,983 --> 00:23:40,217
( says three words )
558
00:23:43,755 --> 00:23:46,501
HAH! GOT YA THAT TIME.
559
00:23:46,525 --> 00:23:48,992
( begins song on piano )
560
00:23:54,166 --> 00:23:56,711
( whispered )
MR. MOULTERD, THE DONKEY!
561
00:23:56,735 --> 00:23:58,969
( vamping on piano )
562
00:24:04,576 --> 00:24:06,087
WHEN DO WE START?
563
00:24:06,111 --> 00:24:07,231
I'LL TELL YOU.
564
00:24:09,448 --> 00:24:10,992
NOW!
565
00:24:11,016 --> 00:24:13,761
Both: ♪ TROT HERE AND
THERE, TAKE CARE, TAKE CARE ♪
566
00:24:13,785 --> 00:24:17,098
♪ NEVER SLIPPING,
NEVER TRIPPING ♪
567
00:24:17,122 --> 00:24:18,599
♪ DEAR LITTLE DONKEY ♪
568
00:24:18,623 --> 00:24:20,768
♪ TROTTING HERE AND
THERE, TAKE CARE, TAKE CARE ♪
569
00:24:20,792 --> 00:24:23,805
♪ A BUNCH OF CARROTS
SOON SHALL BE YOUR FARE ♪
570
00:24:23,829 --> 00:24:25,473
♪ TROT HERE AND THERE ♪
571
00:24:25,497 --> 00:24:27,175
♪ TAKE CARE, TAKE CARE ♪
572
00:24:27,199 --> 00:24:30,145
♪ NEVER SLIPPING,
NEVER TRIPPING ♪
573
00:24:30,169 --> 00:24:31,813
♪ DEAR LITTLE DONKEY ♪
574
00:24:31,837 --> 00:24:33,648
♪ TROTTING HERE AND
THERE, TAKE CARE, TAKE CARE ♪
575
00:24:33,672 --> 00:24:35,583
♪ A BUNCH OF CARROTS
SOON SHALL BE ♪
576
00:24:35,607 --> 00:24:38,619
♪ YOUR FARE ♪
♪ YOUR FARE ♪
577
00:24:38,643 --> 00:24:40,621
♪ YOUR FARE ♪
578
00:24:40,645 --> 00:24:42,545
( applause )
579
00:24:53,125 --> 00:24:56,371
AND NOW, FROM THE WORLD
OF ENGLISH CLASSICAL DRAMA,
580
00:24:56,395 --> 00:24:59,440
A RECITEMENT OF SHAKESPEARE'S
"MERCHANT OF VENICE,"
581
00:24:59,464 --> 00:25:02,710
BY A WELL-KNOWN
ELECTROCUTIONIST,
582
00:25:02,734 --> 00:25:04,346
SHIRLEY BRAHMS.
583
00:25:04,370 --> 00:25:06,336
( piano plays Greensleeves )
584
00:25:12,611 --> 00:25:15,056
I WOULD LIKE TO
GIVE YOU MY PORTIA.
585
00:25:15,080 --> 00:25:17,147
( translating )
586
00:25:20,552 --> 00:25:22,552
( speaking Chinese )
587
00:25:24,856 --> 00:25:28,103
HEAD OF DELEGATION SAID
HE WAS GOING TO BUY BMW,
588
00:25:28,127 --> 00:25:32,774
BUT WILL GLADLY ACCEPT
YOUR OFFER OF A PORSCHE.
589
00:25:32,798 --> 00:25:35,310
I'VE GOT A RIGHT BUNCH HERE!
590
00:25:35,334 --> 00:25:36,766
JUST IGNORE THEM.
591
00:25:42,041 --> 00:25:45,453
THE QUALITY OF
MERCY IS NOT STRAINED.
592
00:25:45,477 --> 00:25:48,011
( translating )
593
00:25:49,448 --> 00:25:53,528
IT DROPPETH... ( translates )
594
00:25:53,552 --> 00:25:54,796
( sharply ) IT DROPPETH.
595
00:25:54,820 --> 00:25:56,453
( translates with sharp tone )
596
00:25:57,656 --> 00:25:59,067
CONSIDER IT DROPPTETH, RIGHT?
597
00:25:59,091 --> 00:26:01,058
( translates )
598
00:26:02,428 --> 00:26:05,440
IT FALLS AS THE GENTLE
RAIN FROM HEAVEN.
599
00:26:05,464 --> 00:26:07,464
( translating )
600
00:26:13,939 --> 00:26:14,916
HOW'S SHE DOING?
601
00:26:14,940 --> 00:26:17,085
SHE'S JUST COMING
TO THE END OF IT.
602
00:26:17,109 --> 00:26:18,486
SURPRISINGLY ENOUGH,
603
00:26:18,510 --> 00:26:20,488
SHE'S USED SOME OF
THE ORIGINAL WORDS.
604
00:26:20,512 --> 00:26:21,489
WELL, OF COURSE,
605
00:26:21,513 --> 00:26:23,325
WE WERE A VERY
HARD ACT TO FOLLOW.
606
00:26:23,349 --> 00:26:24,625
( applause )
607
00:26:24,649 --> 00:26:26,561
TA EVER SO.
608
00:26:26,585 --> 00:26:28,051
( playing Greensleeves )
609
00:26:30,122 --> 00:26:32,200
AND NOW FROM THE WORLD OF DRAMA
610
00:26:32,224 --> 00:26:33,668
TO THE WORLD OF BALLET,
611
00:26:33,692 --> 00:26:36,204
WITH AN EXTRACT FROM
"ROMEO AND JULIET,"
612
00:26:36,228 --> 00:26:40,608
PLEASE WELCOME NATASHA LOVELOCK
613
00:26:40,632 --> 00:26:42,944
AND SERGEI HUMPHRIES.
614
00:26:42,968 --> 00:26:45,202
( piano plays )
615
00:27:09,094 --> 00:27:10,438
WHAT HAPPENING?
616
00:27:10,462 --> 00:27:12,374
IT'S ROMEO.
617
00:27:12,398 --> 00:27:14,742
HE'S LOOKING FOR JULIET.
618
00:27:14,766 --> 00:27:18,079
( translating )
619
00:27:18,103 --> 00:27:20,148
( speaking Chinese )
620
00:27:20,172 --> 00:27:21,349
CAN I HELP?
621
00:27:21,373 --> 00:27:23,284
THEY WANT TO KNOW
WHICH ONE IS JULIET.
622
00:27:23,308 --> 00:27:27,122
THE VERY... THE VERY PRETTY ONE.
623
00:27:27,146 --> 00:27:29,079
( translating )
624
00:28:05,117 --> 00:28:06,683
AAH!
625
00:28:27,206 --> 00:28:29,072
( playing Rule, Britannia )
626
00:28:36,348 --> 00:28:38,359
All: ♪ RULE, BRITANNIA ♪
627
00:28:38,383 --> 00:28:40,528
♪ BRITANNIA RULES THE WAVES ♪
628
00:28:40,552 --> 00:28:42,797
♪ BRITONS NEVER, NEVER, NEVER ♪
629
00:28:42,821 --> 00:28:46,934
♪ SHALL BE SLAVES. ♪
630
00:28:46,958 --> 00:28:48,891
( applause )
631
00:28:51,130 --> 00:28:54,731
( theme music playing )
43857
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