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Subtitles by explosiveskull
www.OpenSubtitles.org
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Ladies and gentlemen,
Jesus Trejo!
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What's up, everybody?
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Yeah!
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Thanks for coming out,
you guys.
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Hey!
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Thanks for coming out, man.
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Oh, thank you.
Thank you.
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00:00:48,725 --> 00:00:50,686
Well, thank you, guys.
That's my time.
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00:00:51,812 --> 00:00:54,815
Man, thanks for coming out, man.
I'm excited, man.
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This is it.
Um, man... life's good.
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I can't complain.
I just got an hourglass, so...
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Very excited, man.
I ordered an hourglass
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and, man, it came
and I was so excited.
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I don't know
what I needed it for,
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but I was like, "I need one."
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Well, the problem was
I-I ordered a wrist watch
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and an hourglass came.
I'm like, "Oh, damn it."
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You know?
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Don't order stuff online high,
you know?
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But I use it.
It was great.
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I would use it
to time everything.
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I would time my showers.
I just...
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just go for it, you know?
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And I would check in with it.
Just...
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I'm like,
"I still got some sand."
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You know what I mean?
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I would time my number twos.
That was fun, you know?
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Just...
and just go for it.
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Like, "Ah, right."
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I learned something.
I learned that your legs
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fall asleep about the hour mark.
So...
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That was fun, you know?
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But I kept using it and I felt
like something was off.
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I did not know what it was,
you know?
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And, uh, so I used my phone
and I timed it
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'cause, hell, I got all day,
you know?
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So I timed it and it stopped
at 47 minutes.
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I'm like,
"Aw, that can't be right.
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So, let's try it again."
You know?
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00:02:06,303 --> 00:02:08,138
Timed it, stopped it,
47 minutes.
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I'm like,
"Damn... now what?"
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So I called customer service.
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And I said, "Excuse me,
I'm having a hard time
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with my hourglass.
It's... It seems to be defective."
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And she's like,
"Well, how can I help you?"
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I said, "Well, um...
I just need you to send me
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13 minutes worth of sand.
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Hello?"
And she's like, "I'm here.
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I'm here."
I'm like, "All right, cool."
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She's like,
"That seems very odd to me."
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I'm like, "Yeah,
you're telling me, you know?"
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She's like, "Well... Well,
like, how would I even do that?"
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I'm like, "Look, just send me
13 minutes worth of sand.
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Like, grab an hourglass,
turn it over,
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wait 13 minutes,
put your finger there...
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put that in the baggie
and send it to me."
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She goes, "This is the craziest
call I've ever had."
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She's like, "How much does
13 minutes worth of sand
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even weigh?"
I said, "Great question.
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Uh, let me look it up."
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So, I looked it up
on Google Conversion
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and I learned something.
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I found out that
you can't convert
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volume to time.
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Even Google was like,
"What the fuck did you mean?"
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So I told her.
I said, "I can't convert
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volume to time."
She's like, "You know what?
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Um...
I'm gonna put you on hold.
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I'm gonna talk to my manager."
I said, "Great.
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Thank you.
Appreciate it."
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So I'm on hold for an hour.
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I'm just waiting.
Listening to classical music.
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Some Chopin.
Who knows, right?
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She comes back.
She's like, "You know what?
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I have some answers for you.
I said, "I'm all ears."
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All right, she's like,
"Well, it turns out
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that sometimes the manufacturers
of hourglasses
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change the source from which
the sand comes from
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so there's some discrepancies
in the sand.
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Therefore, you know,
sometimes you get a different
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count on the hour."
And I said, "Well, I don't know
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what you just said, you know?"
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I said, "I was on hold
for an hour for that?"
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She's like, "Are you sure
it wasn't 47 minutes?"
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I'm like, "Game on, lady."
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And, uh, man,
we went back and forth.
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She wasn't happy
and then she hit me
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with the line
that I was so jealous...
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'cause I'm a comic
I love a good joke,
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but I wasn't ready for it.
She literally goes,
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"I don't know what to tell you.
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Maybe you got
the quicksand model."
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I'm like,
"Oh, you fucking bitch."
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Hung up.
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I was like,
"All right, I'm outta here."
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But thank you, guys,
for coming out, man.
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This is very exciting.
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Thank you.
Yeah.
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Very, very exciting, man.
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Uh, I'll introduce myself.
Uh, my name's Jesus Trejo.
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Uh, I'm from
Long Beach, California.
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Born and raised.
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Yeah, yeah!
Long Beach!
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Yeah, born and raised.
Uh, I'm a only child
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- which is great, you know?
- Yeah!
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Yeah, you, too?
Hell yeah.
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Trying to get attention.
I like it. Hell yeah.
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That's a only child right there.
For sure.
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Did you have imaginary friends?
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I did.
Hell yeah.
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You know what sucks
about having imaginary friends?
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When you run into them
as a grown up.
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I ran into one the other day
at the grocery store.
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I'm like,
"David, what's up, player?"
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He act like he didn't see me,
you know what I'm saying?
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I like being an only child.
Man, it was great.
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That's how I grew up.
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Um, you know, if you ever wonder
what it's like
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to be a only child and have fun,
go to any bar,
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wait till 2:00 a. m.,
look at that one drunk guy
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just standing there by himself
looking down
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and every two minutes
you just see him go,
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"Ha! That's funny."
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That's how I grew up.
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With great imagination.
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But Long Beach is beautiful.
It's a beautiful town, man.
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One of my, uh, fondest memories
is getting chased
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00:06:02,122 --> 00:06:04,833
by a crackhead, you know?
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00:06:04,916 --> 00:06:05,750
It was great, man.
If you know anything
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00:06:05,834 --> 00:06:08,003
about crackheads
you know that they have
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infinite amount of energy.
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They don't get tired,
they're skinny,
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and aerodynamic.
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So, I was walking home from
school and this crackhead
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started to chase me
and I'm trying to talk
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to the guy.
I'm like, "What do you want?"
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He's like, "I want your shoes."
I'm like, "But they're mine."
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He's like, "Give 'em to me!"
I'm like, "Aah..."
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00:06:24,644 --> 00:06:26,938
So I started running
and, uh, he chased me.
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And finally he grabbed me,
threw me on the ground,
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and look,
I don't know how to fight,
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so I didn't know
how this was gonna go down.
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He started taking my shoes off.
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My only defense was to curl my
toes inside the shoe.
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I thought I was a genius.
I was like in my head
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I'm gonna hold on to the shoe
a little longer.
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He kept pulling.
I kept arcing.
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00:06:51,129 --> 00:06:53,381
Took my shoes and left, man.
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00:06:53,465 --> 00:06:55,175
And I walked home in my socks
and that sucks
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'cause I didn't wanna
get 'em dirty.
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I would get a ass whooping
when I get home, you know?
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00:06:58,637 --> 00:07:01,264
So, I got home.
My dad was pissed.
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00:07:01,348 --> 00:07:03,600
He's like,
"Hey, I just bought those shoes.
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00:07:03,683 --> 00:07:05,936
Where are they?"
I'm like, "They took 'em."
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00:07:06,019 --> 00:07:09,439
He's like, "You didn't curl
your toes like I told you to?"
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I'm like,
"Dad, I tried,
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but the guy
tickled me and I let go."
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That's a true story.
I got tickled by a crackhead.
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You know how scary that is?
To fear for your life,
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00:07:21,368 --> 00:07:23,620
but also have a good time?
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00:07:23,703 --> 00:07:27,082
Like, "
No, those are my shoes."
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So my dad was like,
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00:07:28,458 --> 00:07:29,501
"You know what?
I'm gonna put you in karate."
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00:07:29,584 --> 00:07:30,835
He did.
He put me in karate.
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00:07:30,919 --> 00:07:32,295
He tried to toughen me up.
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00:07:32,379 --> 00:07:33,338
Make me, like,
a big, tough guy,
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00:07:33,421 --> 00:07:34,756
but, man, karate's a rip off.
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00:07:34,839 --> 00:07:37,968
Nobody stands still
in a real fight.
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They hit back.
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00:07:40,553 --> 00:07:42,514
I took it for five years.
I'll show you in two seconds
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everything I learned.
Ready?
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Here we go.
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That's it, you know?
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00:07:53,191 --> 00:07:56,361
Oh, thank you, guys.
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00:07:59,072 --> 00:08:00,532
Yeah, try doing that
in a real fight.
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00:08:00,615 --> 00:08:02,534
See how it goes, you know?
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00:08:02,617 --> 00:08:04,494
I don't wanna brag,
but I got a orange belt
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00:08:04,577 --> 00:08:06,663
in karate.
Just means perfect attendance.
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00:08:07,914 --> 00:08:10,375
My first fight
was in middle school.
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00:08:10,458 --> 00:08:12,544
I thought I was ready.
Some kid took my backpack.
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00:08:12,627 --> 00:08:14,462
I'm like, "Hey, that's mine."
He's like, "No, it's mine."
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00:08:14,546 --> 00:08:16,172
And I'm like,
"No, my name's on it."
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00:08:16,256 --> 00:08:18,258
He's all, "Fight me for it."
I'm like, "All right."
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00:08:18,341 --> 00:08:19,300
And he squared up
on me properly.
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00:08:19,384 --> 00:08:21,511
I'm like, "Oh, shit,
I don't know that one."
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00:08:24,097 --> 00:08:25,849
So I just did what I knew.
I went into my routine.
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00:08:25,932 --> 00:08:29,436
Just,
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00:08:29,519 --> 00:08:31,688
He didn't let me finish.
He just went for the hit.
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00:08:31,771 --> 00:08:33,940
I'm like, "Oh, shit.
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00:08:34,024 --> 00:08:35,567
Like that hurt, man.
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00:08:35,650 --> 00:08:38,194
You're going out of order,
man.
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00:08:39,654 --> 00:08:42,198
You're supposed to bow first,
man.
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00:08:44,451 --> 00:08:45,702
And your shoes are still on,
man.
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00:08:45,785 --> 00:08:48,204
This is concrete.
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00:08:48,288 --> 00:08:49,122
We need the blue mats
only, man."
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00:08:51,666 --> 00:08:52,542
Long Beach, I love it, man.
198
00:08:52,625 --> 00:08:54,836
I got held
at gunpoint three times
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00:08:54,919 --> 00:08:56,713
before the age of 18.
Yeah.
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00:08:56,796 --> 00:09:00,008
I'm getting good, you know?
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00:09:02,594 --> 00:09:04,596
I know it sounds weird,
but, man, I learned a lot
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00:09:04,679 --> 00:09:06,514
getting held at gunpoint.
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00:09:06,598 --> 00:09:08,892
Like, I found out
how religious I was.
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00:09:08,975 --> 00:09:12,062
I found out how well
I can follow directions.
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00:09:14,606 --> 00:09:16,399
Getting held at gunpoint
is like hot yoga,
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00:09:16,483 --> 00:09:18,902
but you sweat a lot more,
you know?
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00:09:18,985 --> 00:09:20,320
You think yoga poses are hard?
208
00:09:20,403 --> 00:09:21,488
Wait till
you have a gun to your head.
209
00:09:21,571 --> 00:09:22,405
"Don't move, motherfucker!"
You're like, "Oh, shit.
210
00:09:22,489 --> 00:09:24,324
All right."
211
00:09:26,701 --> 00:09:28,286
"Get on the ground!"
"That's downward dog.
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00:09:28,370 --> 00:09:29,913
Just so you know."
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00:09:29,996 --> 00:09:33,083
Yeah, man.
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00:09:33,166 --> 00:09:37,045
First time I got held
at gunpoint, um... I was a kid.
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00:09:37,128 --> 00:09:39,047
I probably was nine or ten.
Who knows?
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00:09:39,130 --> 00:09:40,340
And, uh, I was with my mom.
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00:09:40,423 --> 00:09:41,216
We were going
to the grocery store.
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00:09:41,299 --> 00:09:43,301
We're having
a great conversation.
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00:09:43,385 --> 00:09:44,302
Uh, probably talking about
something
220
00:09:44,386 --> 00:09:46,596
she wanted to talk about.
Like, Transformers
221
00:09:46,679 --> 00:09:48,723
or Ninja Turtles.
222
00:09:48,807 --> 00:09:51,226
So we're walking.
Having a good time.
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00:09:51,309 --> 00:09:52,852
And as we're walking
this guy turns the corner,
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00:09:52,936 --> 00:09:54,896
gun out, and, uh, he's like,
"Hey, give me the money.
225
00:09:54,979 --> 00:09:58,108
I'm not trying to hurt you guys.
Just give me the money."
226
00:09:58,191 --> 00:10:00,193
Now the problem is
my mother does not speak
227
00:10:00,276 --> 00:10:04,823
or understand English.
So I had to translate.
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00:10:04,906 --> 00:10:07,450
I was an accomplice
to the fucking robbery.
229
00:10:09,994 --> 00:10:11,621
You guys ever held mom
at gunpoint?
230
00:10:11,704 --> 00:10:13,456
'Cause I did.
231
00:10:13,540 --> 00:10:15,458
To look your sweet mother
in the eyes and go...
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00:10:17,000 --> 00:10:23,074
Advertise your product or brand here
contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today
233
00:10:25,301 --> 00:10:29,305
Dinero.
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00:10:29,389 --> 00:10:32,142
And she forked over the money.
He grabbed it and he took off.
235
00:10:32,225 --> 00:10:33,810
And he was a man of his word.
I respect that.
236
00:10:33,893 --> 00:10:35,603
He didn't hurt us,
you know?
237
00:10:35,687 --> 00:10:38,022
But when I got home
my dad was pissed, you know?
238
00:10:38,106 --> 00:10:40,233
My mom was upset.
My dad was upset.
239
00:10:40,316 --> 00:10:41,317
And my dad looks at me and goes,
240
00:10:41,401 --> 00:10:44,821
"So, what'd you do, karate guy?
What'd you do?"
241
00:10:44,904 --> 00:10:48,158
"I just translated."
242
00:10:48,241 --> 00:10:49,993
Second time I got held
at gunpoint, uh,
243
00:10:50,076 --> 00:10:51,619
I was about in middle school.
244
00:10:51,703 --> 00:10:54,247
I had a big 'ole fake chain
that I saved up for.
245
00:10:54,330 --> 00:10:55,039
Uh, they call them
dookie ropes.
246
00:10:55,123 --> 00:10:56,791
Beautiful fake chains,
you know?
247
00:10:56,875 --> 00:10:59,377
And, uh,
it was my pride and joy.
248
00:10:59,461 --> 00:11:01,087
I worked all summer.
And I'm going to school.
249
00:11:01,171 --> 00:11:03,006
This is about 7:00 a. m.
I'm walking to school
250
00:11:03,089 --> 00:11:05,258
and this Camaro pulls up...
251
00:11:05,341 --> 00:11:06,718
guy jumps out.
Gun out.
252
00:11:06,801 --> 00:11:08,178
He's like, "Hey,
give me the chain, home boy."
253
00:11:08,261 --> 00:11:10,472
And in my head I was like,
"Man, this is early
254
00:11:10,555 --> 00:11:12,724
for this shit.
255
00:11:12,807 --> 00:11:15,894
This is very early,
you know?"
256
00:11:15,977 --> 00:11:17,854
Well, you know what?
I really respect anyone
257
00:11:17,937 --> 00:11:20,190
who wakes up early
and goes to work, you know?
258
00:11:22,442 --> 00:11:24,194
Right?
I'm not here to judge.
259
00:11:24,277 --> 00:11:27,864
That's a family man
providing right there, you know?
260
00:11:27,947 --> 00:11:29,699
You got my respect, homie.
261
00:11:29,782 --> 00:11:31,201
He gets close,
he grabs my chains.
262
00:11:31,284 --> 00:11:32,118
Like, "Give me the chain,
motherfucker."
263
00:11:32,202 --> 00:11:34,162
I'm like, "Oh, it's fake."
He's like,
264
00:11:34,245 --> 00:11:35,663
"You think I give a fuck?"
265
00:11:35,747 --> 00:11:36,456
I'm like,
"I don't wanna waste your time."
266
00:11:39,083 --> 00:11:41,669
He took it, man, took the chain.
Pistol-whipped me.
267
00:11:41,753 --> 00:11:43,963
That sucked.
And, uh, he left.
268
00:11:44,047 --> 00:11:46,883
To this day I do not wear
any jewelry.
269
00:11:46,966 --> 00:11:47,842
No watches, rings, metal.
270
00:11:47,926 --> 00:11:50,303
Even my apartment keys
are plastic.
271
00:11:50,386 --> 00:11:53,056
Fuck it, you know?
272
00:11:53,139 --> 00:11:55,058
I'm not getting
a real ass whooping
273
00:11:55,141 --> 00:11:57,477
over a fake chain anymore.
274
00:11:59,312 --> 00:12:00,355
I enjoy those.
275
00:12:00,438 --> 00:12:01,898
They sound bad,
but I really enjoy those.
276
00:12:01,981 --> 00:12:03,900
It builds character,
you know?
277
00:12:03,983 --> 00:12:06,069
The third one was my favorite,
man.
278
00:12:06,152 --> 00:12:07,946
Yeah, it was good, man.
279
00:12:08,029 --> 00:12:10,740
It felt so good.
Uh, 18 years old.
280
00:12:10,823 --> 00:12:12,075
I was doing laundry.
281
00:12:12,158 --> 00:12:13,535
That laundromat
is still there, actually.
282
00:12:13,618 --> 00:12:14,744
7th and Magnolia.
Long Beach.
283
00:12:14,827 --> 00:12:17,580
And, uh,
I'm finished doing my laundry.
284
00:12:17,664 --> 00:12:20,291
Uh, I have one extra quarter.
I'm like, "My lucky day."
285
00:12:22,460 --> 00:12:23,711
So I put it
into a Pac-Man machine
286
00:12:23,795 --> 00:12:26,297
and I'm killing it.
I'm playing.
287
00:12:26,381 --> 00:12:28,841
I'm doing well
and, uh, before I know it
288
00:12:28,925 --> 00:12:30,552
this guy comes up.
Puts a gun to my head.
289
00:12:30,635 --> 00:12:32,220
He's like, "Hey, homie,
give me your money."
290
00:12:32,303 --> 00:12:35,098
And at first I thought
it was a friend.
291
00:12:41,688 --> 00:12:43,690
And at first I didn't think
it was a gun.
292
00:12:43,773 --> 00:12:45,483
I thought it was, like,
a cell phone or a stapler.
293
00:12:45,567 --> 00:12:47,777
Who know, you know?
I just felt it cold and, uh,
294
00:12:47,860 --> 00:12:50,113
I-I tried to make eye contact.
295
00:12:50,196 --> 00:12:52,240
I'm like, "Who is it?"
You know?
296
00:12:53,491 --> 00:12:55,285
That startled him and he's like,
"Look the fuck down."
297
00:12:55,368 --> 00:12:58,204
I'm like, "All right,
that's not a friend for sure."
298
00:12:58,288 --> 00:12:59,747
You know?
299
00:12:59,831 --> 00:13:02,667
He would've said something
by now, you know?
300
00:13:02,750 --> 00:13:06,004
So, I have the gun to my head
and, uh, now I'm scared.
301
00:13:06,087 --> 00:13:07,797
But at the same time
I'm flattered
302
00:13:07,880 --> 00:13:09,882
because, shit, he thinks
I have money, you know?
303
00:13:09,966 --> 00:13:11,968
That's pretty cool.
304
00:13:12,051 --> 00:13:14,679
Look, I don't think
there's bad people.
305
00:13:14,762 --> 00:13:15,763
I think there's bad choices.
306
00:13:15,847 --> 00:13:17,807
And I don't think
he was a bad guy.
307
00:13:17,890 --> 00:13:19,475
That fucker
saw potential in me.
308
00:13:22,478 --> 00:13:24,147
Right?
That's pretty good.
309
00:13:28,067 --> 00:13:28,693
Think about it.
A guy with a gun
310
00:13:28,776 --> 00:13:31,154
walks in, scans the room.
311
00:13:31,237 --> 00:13:31,988
Looks at me and is like,
"That's my man."
312
00:13:32,071 --> 00:13:34,657
It's like,
"Oh, thank you so much."
313
00:13:38,328 --> 00:13:40,496
I feel flattered, man.
314
00:13:40,580 --> 00:13:43,041
It's like,
"You picked me."
315
00:13:43,124 --> 00:13:46,085
So, gun to my head.
He starts patting me down.
316
00:13:46,169 --> 00:13:48,546
Nothing, man.
He moves over to my left side
317
00:13:48,629 --> 00:13:51,341
'cause my wallet was in
my front left pocket, right?
318
00:13:51,424 --> 00:13:53,343
So, when he moves over
to my left side there was
319
00:13:53,426 --> 00:13:56,346
enough suction built
up in the barrel of the gun
320
00:13:56,429 --> 00:13:58,848
that when he moved, like,
I heard a...
321
00:13:58,931 --> 00:14:02,852
- and it made him laugh.
- Like,
322
00:14:02,935 --> 00:14:05,521
And I laughed, too,
'cause his laugh made me laugh.
323
00:14:05,605 --> 00:14:08,232
Like, "
Did you hear that?"
324
00:14:08,316 --> 00:14:10,026
You know?
325
00:14:10,109 --> 00:14:12,278
Here's how stupid I was.
I thought we were
326
00:14:12,362 --> 00:14:14,864
sharing a moment there.
327
00:14:14,947 --> 00:14:16,366
Like, you know
when somebody's mad at you
328
00:14:16,449 --> 00:14:17,325
you make 'em laugh?
You're like, "Oh,
329
00:14:17,408 --> 00:14:19,202
you're not mad at me no more."
You know?
330
00:14:19,285 --> 00:14:22,121
In my head I'm like,
"You're not robbing me."
331
00:14:22,205 --> 00:14:24,832
He's like, "Shut the fuck up!"
I'm like, "Oh, he's robbing me."
332
00:14:24,916 --> 00:14:27,460
So, he gets to my left side,
pats me down.
333
00:14:27,543 --> 00:14:29,629
Nothing.
He gets to my wallet...
334
00:14:29,712 --> 00:14:31,172
he takes my wallet out, man.
335
00:14:31,255 --> 00:14:34,050
And I see his face
just drop.
336
00:14:34,133 --> 00:14:35,802
Like, I don't know if
you've ever let somebody down
337
00:14:35,885 --> 00:14:39,472
while they're robbing you...
338
00:14:39,555 --> 00:14:42,433
but he was disappointed
when he realized that my wallet
339
00:14:42,517 --> 00:14:45,812
had Velcro on it.
340
00:14:45,895 --> 00:14:48,898
Velcro on a wallet
is not a sign of wealth.
341
00:14:50,691 --> 00:14:54,404
They put that there for coins.
342
00:14:54,487 --> 00:14:55,822
I had no bills in my wallet.
343
00:14:55,905 --> 00:14:57,156
I just had a lot
of Canadian pennies
344
00:14:57,240 --> 00:14:59,534
I found interesting
over the years, you know?
345
00:15:03,996 --> 00:15:05,581
'Cause when you're young
that's fun.
346
00:15:05,665 --> 00:15:07,125
you find a Canadian penny
you're like, "Ohh, wow!
347
00:15:07,208 --> 00:15:08,918
Look at this.
That's different." You know?
348
00:15:09,001 --> 00:15:12,255
"Pot leaf?
No, maple. All right."
349
00:15:15,174 --> 00:15:17,427
And, uh, the guy's just
pissed off, man.
350
00:15:17,510 --> 00:15:18,302
He has a gun in one hand,
351
00:15:18,386 --> 00:15:20,930
my Spider-Man wallet
on the other...
352
00:15:22,265 --> 00:15:25,351
and he's pissed!
I'm wasting his time, you know?
353
00:15:25,435 --> 00:15:27,353
He goes,
"Really, motherfucker?"
354
00:15:27,437 --> 00:15:29,313
I go, " Yeah."
355
00:15:29,397 --> 00:15:31,107
And I used to think cartoons
made that in predicaments.
356
00:15:31,190 --> 00:15:33,359
You know,
when they're in trouble they go,
357
00:15:33,443 --> 00:15:35,278
"But if you're a human
358
00:15:35,361 --> 00:15:38,614
in a predicament,
You can make it, too.
359
00:15:38,698 --> 00:15:41,784
So, he shakes his head, man.
He's shaking his head
360
00:15:41,868 --> 00:15:44,495
and, uh, he... he starts
to open my wallet.
361
00:15:44,579 --> 00:15:46,789
Now, if you've ever owned
a Velcro wallet
362
00:15:46,873 --> 00:15:50,084
you know that you need these
four fingers free and clear
363
00:15:50,168 --> 00:15:51,961
to get in there and.
364
00:15:52,044 --> 00:15:55,089
Get a clean open.
365
00:15:55,173 --> 00:15:56,299
He didn't put the gun away.
366
00:15:56,382 --> 00:15:56,799
I thought that was very
interesting.
367
00:15:56,883 --> 00:15:59,051
Ballsy, you know?
368
00:15:59,135 --> 00:16:00,761
So, he's holding on
to the wallet.
369
00:16:00,845 --> 00:16:01,888
He's going...
370
00:16:01,971 --> 00:16:03,723
Finally he opens it.
371
00:16:03,806 --> 00:16:06,517
Pennies everywhere.
372
00:16:06,601 --> 00:16:08,019
It looked like
Sonic the Hedgehog
373
00:16:08,102 --> 00:16:11,147
had run into something.
374
00:16:11,230 --> 00:16:13,649
And I dropped down
to my hands and knees
375
00:16:13,733 --> 00:16:15,193
and started picking 'em up
376
00:16:15,276 --> 00:16:16,611
before they fade away.
377
00:16:16,694 --> 00:16:17,653
I've played the game before,
you know?
378
00:16:20,781 --> 00:16:21,991
And as I'm doing that,
the guy decides to grab
379
00:16:22,074 --> 00:16:24,827
my wallet
and just throws it at me
380
00:16:24,911 --> 00:16:25,995
and it hits me.
I'm like, "Ow."
381
00:16:26,078 --> 00:16:28,539
He's all,
"Look at me motherfucker!"
382
00:16:28,623 --> 00:16:30,291
I'm like, "Uh-huh."
He's all, "Do better next time,
383
00:16:30,374 --> 00:16:33,753
you broke motherfucker."
384
00:16:33,836 --> 00:16:37,048
And that hurt my feelings,
man.
385
00:16:37,131 --> 00:16:38,174
What I wanted to tell him
is like, "Hey, man,
386
00:16:38,257 --> 00:16:41,844
you're robbing people
at a laundromat.
387
00:16:44,430 --> 00:16:47,808
You're gonna get coins
every time, man."
388
00:16:47,892 --> 00:16:49,477
Maybe you should do better."
389
00:16:50,937 --> 00:16:53,356
Went to Vegas last year.
390
00:16:53,439 --> 00:16:54,524
Yeah, Vegas is fun.
391
00:16:54,607 --> 00:16:58,861
I went to old Vegas
'cause it's cheaper, you know?
392
00:16:58,945 --> 00:17:00,071
So I went to old Vegas,
It was my friend's birthday.
393
00:17:00,154 --> 00:17:02,490
We were having a great time,
you know?
394
00:17:02,573 --> 00:17:03,741
And, uh, we walk into this bar.
It's packed.
395
00:17:03,824 --> 00:17:06,786
It's at capacity.
396
00:17:06,869 --> 00:17:08,371
And, um, we want to get
to the bar, but it's so packed
397
00:17:08,454 --> 00:17:10,206
that we gotta do one of these.
Like, "Oh, excuse me.
398
00:17:10,289 --> 00:17:12,124
Excuse me. Pardon me.
Excuse me."
399
00:17:12,208 --> 00:17:13,709
And we're doing that
trying to get to the bar,
400
00:17:13,793 --> 00:17:16,045
but as we're doing that,
my homie makes a mistake
401
00:17:16,128 --> 00:17:18,214
of stepping on a guy's shoes
on accident.
402
00:17:18,297 --> 00:17:20,550
The guy pushes him
and I freak out.
403
00:17:20,633 --> 00:17:22,218
I don't know what to do.
404
00:17:22,301 --> 00:17:23,052
So I just started
cleaning the bar window
405
00:17:23,135 --> 00:17:25,680
like I work there.
Just...
406
00:17:31,811 --> 00:17:33,187
What the hell
am I gonna do in a fight?
407
00:17:33,271 --> 00:17:34,605
Cheer him on?
Like, "We got this, bro.
408
00:17:34,689 --> 00:17:37,191
Get him." You know?
409
00:17:37,275 --> 00:17:38,526
"You can do it, bro."
410
00:17:42,488 --> 00:17:45,241
So, fun fact about me.
I cry very easy, you know?
411
00:17:45,324 --> 00:17:48,369
I hate that about myself,
you know?
412
00:17:48,452 --> 00:17:51,330
It's like a super power
that sucks, you know?
413
00:17:51,414 --> 00:17:52,331
So I see my homie
arguing with the guy
414
00:17:52,415 --> 00:17:55,042
and already my breathing pattern
is changing.
415
00:17:55,126 --> 00:17:57,211
Just...
416
00:17:59,171 --> 00:18:02,258
Like, "Jacob, let's just
get outta here, man!"
417
00:18:02,341 --> 00:18:04,093
He turns around.
He's like, "Nah,
418
00:18:04,176 --> 00:18:05,386
- the hell with this guy!
- I'm like..."
419
00:18:05,469 --> 00:18:07,555
You don't even know him,
man!
420
00:18:08,514 --> 00:18:10,099
So, they're going at it.
I'm crying.
421
00:18:10,182 --> 00:18:12,393
And I'm crying more and more.
422
00:18:12,476 --> 00:18:14,437
Now they break into a fight.
They're fighting.
423
00:18:14,520 --> 00:18:17,189
I'm crying.
I'm wiping tears the long way.
424
00:18:17,273 --> 00:18:21,736
Like,
"Jacob!"
425
00:18:23,029 --> 00:18:24,196
I'll give it to Jacob.
426
00:18:24,280 --> 00:18:26,490
He knows how to fight
a little bit.
427
00:18:26,574 --> 00:18:28,242
You know,
he was like bobbin' and weavin'
428
00:18:28,326 --> 00:18:29,368
trying to do his thing,
but the guy he was fighting
429
00:18:29,452 --> 00:18:31,078
was like legit trained.
430
00:18:31,162 --> 00:18:32,830
'Cause my homie's
throwing punches,
431
00:18:32,914 --> 00:18:34,624
but the guy's like
getting out of the way.
432
00:18:34,707 --> 00:18:37,627
Out of every single punch.
Then he decides...
433
00:18:37,710 --> 00:18:40,963
my homie, decides to throw
a overhand right.
434
00:18:41,047 --> 00:18:43,424
And, uh, the guy dodges it,
gets underneath,
435
00:18:43,507 --> 00:18:45,885
and just hits him in the chin.
Boo!
436
00:18:45,968 --> 00:18:47,803
Just control, alt, deleted
his ass.
437
00:18:50,348 --> 00:18:51,807
It might've been an Alt F4,
who knows?
438
00:18:53,392 --> 00:18:55,519
And he just hits the ground.
I lose it.
439
00:18:55,603 --> 00:18:58,397
"Jacob!"
440
00:18:58,481 --> 00:19:01,108
The bouncer runs in.
He looks at me.
441
00:19:01,192 --> 00:19:02,818
He's like, "You're trouble, man!
Get outta here!"
442
00:19:02,902 --> 00:19:04,862
I'm like,
"I didn't do nothing, man!"
443
00:19:04,946 --> 00:19:06,322
He grabs my friend,
picks him up.
444
00:19:06,405 --> 00:19:08,115
He's like,
"You're outta here, bro!"
445
00:19:08,199 --> 00:19:10,409
And, uh, other bouncers come in.
They grab that guy
446
00:19:10,493 --> 00:19:13,162
and they start taking him out.
People start leaving the bar.
447
00:19:13,245 --> 00:19:14,830
They wanna see
what happens outside, you know?
448
00:19:14,914 --> 00:19:16,707
People have their phones out.
They're recording.
449
00:19:16,791 --> 00:19:18,000
It's scary.
Now, I can't get out
450
00:19:18,084 --> 00:19:20,336
'cause it bottlenecks, you know?
So, I'm in the back just crying.
451
00:19:20,419 --> 00:19:23,089
Just..."
452
00:19:23,172 --> 00:19:25,424
People are more concerned
for me then my friend.
453
00:19:26,384 --> 00:19:28,344
He's the one
that got knocked out.
454
00:19:28,427 --> 00:19:32,723
"What happened?"
"He knocked him out.
455
00:19:32,807 --> 00:19:34,642
It's his birthday,
by the way."
456
00:19:36,143 --> 00:19:39,105
He's all, "Really?"
"Yeah, he has a birthday hat."
457
00:19:40,898 --> 00:19:44,860
So, by the time I get outside,
the birthday hat's all crooked.
458
00:19:44,944 --> 00:19:48,614
He's all wobbly.
Still trying to fight the guy.
459
00:19:48,698 --> 00:19:51,117
And the guy just decides
to finish him off, man.
460
00:19:51,200 --> 00:19:52,994
He... He hits him with the right.
Drops him.
461
00:19:53,077 --> 00:19:54,704
Gets on top.
Starts choking him out
462
00:19:54,787 --> 00:19:56,330
UFC style
and it's scary.
463
00:19:56,414 --> 00:19:58,374
But the whole time
this is happening,
464
00:19:58,457 --> 00:20:01,168
the guy choking my friend
had a dude on the sidewalk
465
00:20:01,252 --> 00:20:03,045
coaching him through the fight.
466
00:20:03,129 --> 00:20:05,548
So, all I hear is,
"Left hand! There you go!
467
00:20:05,631 --> 00:20:07,758
Choke him out!
Make him tap out!"
468
00:20:07,842 --> 00:20:10,845
So I started coaching my friend.
I'm like, "Say you're sorry.
469
00:20:13,973 --> 00:20:16,892
Apologize!
470
00:20:16,976 --> 00:20:19,895
Play dead!
471
00:20:19,979 --> 00:20:23,149
Curl your toes!"
472
00:20:25,109 --> 00:20:27,194
Oh, thank you, guys.
473
00:20:32,491 --> 00:20:34,827
He got beat up, man.
474
00:20:34,910 --> 00:20:36,704
I realized something that day.
It's like the best thing
475
00:20:36,787 --> 00:20:38,914
I can do for someone in a fight
is maybe record it.
476
00:20:38,998 --> 00:20:42,585
Like, "Jacob, this is where
you messed up right here.
477
00:20:42,668 --> 00:20:44,086
Look, I paused
at a minute seven.
478
00:20:44,170 --> 00:20:45,921
He got you, bro.
479
00:20:46,005 --> 00:20:49,508
But look how clean
the windows are, you know?"
480
00:20:51,093 --> 00:20:52,595
I just wish I was tougher,
man.
481
00:20:52,678 --> 00:20:54,805
I'm just not that guy,
you know?
482
00:20:54,889 --> 00:20:57,141
It's like, uh,
about a year ago
483
00:20:57,224 --> 00:21:00,186
I do a show in L. A.
I do a show at The Comedy Store
484
00:21:00,269 --> 00:21:02,271
and I'm walking home.
It's about 1:00 a. m., right?
485
00:21:02,354 --> 00:21:04,690
I parked kinda far away.
So, I'm walking home.
486
00:21:04,774 --> 00:21:06,358
I'm just
minding my own business.
487
00:21:06,442 --> 00:21:08,319
Just being an only child going,
"Ha! That's funny."
488
00:21:08,402 --> 00:21:10,613
You know?
489
00:21:10,696 --> 00:21:13,532
And I'm walking and I'm about
to cross a corner
490
00:21:13,616 --> 00:21:14,784
and I see a guy on the corner
491
00:21:14,867 --> 00:21:16,202
I'm about to cross into,
right?
492
00:21:16,285 --> 00:21:18,704
And I see him.
Big pants, a tight wife beater,
493
00:21:18,788 --> 00:21:21,290
tattoos, muscles,
nice guy, you know?
494
00:21:23,125 --> 00:21:24,877
Approachable, you know?
495
00:21:24,960 --> 00:21:25,878
If I had to describe
what he looked like,
496
00:21:25,961 --> 00:21:27,254
I'd say he looked like
he was self-employed
497
00:21:27,338 --> 00:21:30,466
for sure, you know?
498
00:21:30,549 --> 00:21:34,220
He was doing well for himself,
you know?
499
00:21:34,303 --> 00:21:35,679
So, I see him.
I keep my head down.
500
00:21:35,763 --> 00:21:37,890
I want no smoke, you know?
501
00:21:37,973 --> 00:21:39,642
So, I keep walking.
I'm walking.
502
00:21:39,725 --> 00:21:41,852
Soon as I get in front of him,
the first thing he tells me,
503
00:21:41,936 --> 00:21:44,396
he goes,
"Hey, homie, you a bitch."
504
00:21:44,480 --> 00:21:45,481
And I didn't know
if it was an old friend
505
00:21:45,564 --> 00:21:48,776
or a psychic,
but this guy knew me.
506
00:21:51,904 --> 00:21:54,323
I'm like,
"Man, that's pretty good, bro."
507
00:21:56,534 --> 00:21:57,493
And I was stunned, man.
I didn't know what to do.
508
00:21:57,576 --> 00:21:59,495
Like,
I wasn't gonna fight the guy.
509
00:21:59,578 --> 00:22:02,289
I wasn't gonna, like,
run 'cause...
510
00:22:02,373 --> 00:22:04,208
my knees were a little wobbly.
511
00:22:04,291 --> 00:22:06,919
So my first instinct
was to give him a high five.
512
00:22:07,002 --> 00:22:08,587
I'm like,
"Okay. Thank you."
513
00:22:19,640 --> 00:22:20,724
No high five.
514
00:22:20,808 --> 00:22:24,311
So I try to walk away
'cause I learned that in karate.
515
00:22:24,395 --> 00:22:25,563
Believe it or not.
516
00:22:25,646 --> 00:22:27,857
If somebody fucks with you,
just walk away.
517
00:22:27,940 --> 00:22:29,817
Find an adult.
518
00:22:31,610 --> 00:22:32,903
So I try to walk away
519
00:22:32,987 --> 00:22:36,407
and the guy... So, I get about,
like, 25, 50 paces out.
520
00:22:36,490 --> 00:22:39,326
The guy runs over,
cuts me off,
521
00:22:39,410 --> 00:22:41,328
he gets in my face.
We're touching noses.
522
00:22:41,412 --> 00:22:43,122
My nose is scrunched back.
523
00:22:43,205 --> 00:22:45,791
He's swelling up on me
like a angry toad.
524
00:22:45,875 --> 00:22:48,127
And he's talking shit.
525
00:22:48,210 --> 00:22:50,129
He's like, "Hey, homie,
I say you a bitch."
526
00:22:50,212 --> 00:22:52,381
I was like, "
I heard you first time."
527
00:22:56,635 --> 00:23:00,556
I was scared.
I've never stood up for myself.
528
00:23:00,639 --> 00:23:04,018
I was like 32 years old
and I'm 33 now, but, you know?
529
00:23:05,644 --> 00:23:07,646
I was... I was younger,
you know?
530
00:23:09,315 --> 00:23:11,650
I was young, man.
531
00:23:11,734 --> 00:23:13,694
And, uh, I've... I've never
stood up for myself,
532
00:23:13,777 --> 00:23:14,778
but I felt like I had to.
I ha... I had no choice
533
00:23:14,862 --> 00:23:17,907
at that point.
And this is where I messed up.
534
00:23:17,990 --> 00:23:18,782
I got a little aggressive.
535
00:23:18,866 --> 00:23:21,410
I got really aggressive.
I fucked up.
536
00:23:21,493 --> 00:23:23,746
I looked the guy in the face
and I go,
537
00:23:23,829 --> 00:23:25,539
"Hey, man,
what's your problem?"
538
00:23:27,166 --> 00:23:29,335
He was quick. He's all,
"My problem is you a bitch."
539
00:23:29,418 --> 00:23:31,420
I'm like,
"But that's my problem."
540
00:23:34,840 --> 00:23:38,761
It was the best comeback
I had at the time, you know?
541
00:23:38,844 --> 00:23:42,431
I was scared, man.
I've never had a redhead
542
00:23:42,514 --> 00:23:44,058
talk to me that way,
you know?
543
00:23:45,351 --> 00:23:49,730
I've never seen a red-headed
thug, but they're out there.
544
00:23:49,813 --> 00:23:51,774
I didn't get his gang name.
I'm sure it's something special.
545
00:23:51,857 --> 00:23:53,776
Like Pico de Gallo
or something.
546
00:23:53,859 --> 00:23:56,779
Sriracha. I don't know.
547
00:23:56,862 --> 00:23:59,156
And then he throws me off,
right?
548
00:23:59,240 --> 00:24:00,574
He throws me off.
He's all, "Hey, homie,
549
00:24:00,658 --> 00:24:02,159
I'ma ask you again.
Are you a bitch?"
550
00:24:02,243 --> 00:24:06,330
And in my head I'm like,
"Why is it a question now?
551
00:24:06,413 --> 00:24:09,250
So now I can't even talk.
I have a knot in my throat,
552
00:24:09,333 --> 00:24:10,125
my knees are giving out on me,
553
00:24:10,209 --> 00:24:12,628
I'm crying for sure,
554
00:24:12,711 --> 00:24:14,296
but now there's a question
on the table
555
00:24:14,380 --> 00:24:16,632
I need to answer.
556
00:24:16,715 --> 00:24:20,886
So I just closed my eyes
and I say, "No."
557
00:24:20,970 --> 00:24:23,555
But he's so close to me
that when I said no,
558
00:24:23,639 --> 00:24:28,018
I gave him an Eskimo kiss.
559
00:24:28,102 --> 00:24:31,897
He didn't see it coming
and I didn't see it coming.
560
00:24:31,981 --> 00:24:33,816
I felt the exact moment
he felt it.
561
00:24:33,899 --> 00:24:36,360
He's like... Kinda did that.
I'm like...
562
00:24:36,443 --> 00:24:38,779
It made me open my eyes.
I'm like, "Whoa. What happened?"
563
00:24:38,862 --> 00:24:39,863
You know?
564
00:24:39,947 --> 00:24:43,492
And he got all embarrassed
and he just walked away.
565
00:24:47,246 --> 00:24:49,039
And I just saw him walk away.
I'm like, "Damn,
566
00:24:49,123 --> 00:24:52,167
I just won my first fight."
567
00:24:52,251 --> 00:24:55,379
Yeah!
568
00:24:59,174 --> 00:25:00,092
I won my first fight by default.
569
00:25:00,175 --> 00:25:02,761
Fucking got his ass,
you know what I mean?
570
00:25:03,971 --> 00:25:06,807
Yeah, man.
Life, man.
571
00:25:06,890 --> 00:25:09,310
Life, life.
You guys have parents?
572
00:25:10,644 --> 00:25:13,272
Oh, cool.
Me, too, man.
573
00:25:13,355 --> 00:25:16,025
We have a lot in common,
you guys.
574
00:25:16,108 --> 00:25:18,527
Yeah, man, I have parents.
They're beautiful people.
575
00:25:18,610 --> 00:25:20,946
My mom,
very adorable, man.
576
00:25:21,030 --> 00:25:23,407
Best way I can describe my mom,
she's the type of lady
577
00:25:23,490 --> 00:25:26,535
who has a fake flower
in a vase with real water.
578
00:25:28,287 --> 00:25:31,665
Like, hoping for a miracle.
"It's gonna happen." You know?
579
00:25:31,749 --> 00:25:33,625
She'll change the water
on the vase.
580
00:25:33,709 --> 00:25:35,377
I'm like, "Mom, you don't
find it weird that the water
581
00:25:35,461 --> 00:25:37,338
doesn't go down?"
582
00:25:37,421 --> 00:25:40,716
She's like, "It's a miracle."
I'm like, "Ah, you got me."
583
00:25:40,799 --> 00:25:42,885
My mom is the best, man.
She's so cool.
584
00:25:42,968 --> 00:25:45,304
Like, my mom claims
to have a psychic ability.
585
00:25:45,387 --> 00:25:48,182
It's just very delayed.
586
00:25:48,265 --> 00:25:49,516
Like, she knows exactly
what's gonna happen,
587
00:25:49,600 --> 00:25:53,062
but after the fact.
588
00:25:53,145 --> 00:25:54,146
Somebody stole a camera
out of my car
589
00:25:54,229 --> 00:25:56,440
and I told my mom.
I said, "Mom, somebody stole
590
00:25:56,523 --> 00:25:57,900
a camera out of my car."
She's like, "You know what?
591
00:25:57,983 --> 00:26:00,235
I had a dream last night.
592
00:26:00,319 --> 00:26:01,570
I knew it."
593
00:26:01,653 --> 00:26:04,073
I'm like,
"Why didn't you tell me?"
594
00:26:04,156 --> 00:26:05,074
"Because if I tell you,
you don't believe me.
595
00:26:05,157 --> 00:26:07,951
That's how you are."
I'm like, "All right...
596
00:26:08,035 --> 00:26:10,412
just let me
get robbed out here."
597
00:26:10,496 --> 00:26:11,914
She's like,
"What it the black camera?"
598
00:26:11,997 --> 00:26:15,042
I'm like, "Yeah."
"Yup, that's the one.
599
00:26:15,125 --> 00:26:17,753
For pictures?"
I'm like, "Yes, that's the one."
600
00:26:17,836 --> 00:26:20,839
"Yeah, I-I knew it.
That's the one.
601
00:26:20,923 --> 00:26:23,258
They took it?"
I'm like, "Yes, I know that."
602
00:26:26,470 --> 00:26:28,430
So sweet, you know?
603
00:26:28,514 --> 00:26:30,933
My dad... I love my dad,
just a lot of tough love,
604
00:26:31,016 --> 00:26:32,101
you know?
And I don't mind it.
605
00:26:32,184 --> 00:26:33,936
I love how he raised me,
but just a lot of tough love.
606
00:26:34,019 --> 00:26:38,107
Like I remember once my dad
telling me that I'm lazy
607
00:26:38,190 --> 00:26:40,109
and if I was a Transformer
I'd be a futon.
608
00:26:44,405 --> 00:26:46,865
It's like who writes that
on a birthday card, you know?
609
00:26:48,700 --> 00:26:52,037
Seems a little mean.
610
00:26:52,121 --> 00:26:53,163
Yeah, my dad's my hero, man.
611
00:26:53,247 --> 00:26:55,958
Oh, I read that book
The Five Love Languages.
612
00:26:56,041 --> 00:26:57,501
I thought it was a great book,
you know?
613
00:26:57,584 --> 00:26:59,128
And I asked my dad.
I said, "Dad,
614
00:26:59,211 --> 00:27:00,129
what's your love language?"
He's like, "Silence."
615
00:27:00,212 --> 00:27:02,798
I'm like, "All right, cool."
616
00:27:02,881 --> 00:27:04,466
I'm like,
"What do you mean?"
617
00:27:04,550 --> 00:27:06,718
He's all,
"Shh, shh, shh, shh."
618
00:27:06,802 --> 00:27:09,096
"Got it."
619
00:27:09,179 --> 00:27:10,139
Yeah, man.
620
00:27:10,222 --> 00:27:12,724
I have a phobia of dogs.
I can't be around dogs.
621
00:27:12,808 --> 00:27:14,768
I got attacked
when I was nine years old.
622
00:27:14,852 --> 00:27:17,896
I was working with my dad
and, uh, I was mowing lawns.
623
00:27:17,980 --> 00:27:20,649
And a dog came
and got my left kneecap,
624
00:27:20,732 --> 00:27:23,986
took off with it.
I'm like, "Hey, I need that."
625
00:27:24,069 --> 00:27:25,404
My dad saw
the whole thing go down.
626
00:27:25,487 --> 00:27:27,072
I'm like, "Dad!
What do I do?"
627
00:27:27,156 --> 00:27:29,158
He's like,
"Get back to work."
628
00:27:29,241 --> 00:27:31,493
And that's what I did.
Two weeks go by, right?
629
00:27:31,577 --> 00:27:32,911
And I'm in bed.
I'm recovering, you know?
630
00:27:32,995 --> 00:27:36,290
And my father woke me up
for school by grabbing
631
00:27:36,373 --> 00:27:39,293
my left knee and going,
632
00:27:41,712 --> 00:27:44,006
That'll get you
out of bed like that!
633
00:27:45,757 --> 00:27:47,676
I'm like, "Dad,
that why I pee the bed,
634
00:27:47,759 --> 00:27:50,596
you know that, right?"
635
00:27:50,679 --> 00:27:52,890
Like, I never woke up my father
with his fears.
636
00:27:52,973 --> 00:27:55,142
Like, "Bill collectors!"
You know?
637
00:27:57,769 --> 00:27:59,980
I don't know why
he would do that to me.
638
00:28:02,316 --> 00:28:04,943
He's a great guy, man.
Love him.
639
00:28:05,027 --> 00:28:07,988
Like... Like my dad
used to embarrass me
640
00:28:08,071 --> 00:28:10,073
'cause he had this huge
trophy case at the house
641
00:28:10,157 --> 00:28:12,993
full of trophies.
The thing is, he didn't earn
642
00:28:13,076 --> 00:28:15,078
not one of 'em.
643
00:28:15,162 --> 00:28:17,247
He just found 'em all.
644
00:28:17,331 --> 00:28:20,709
My friends would come over
and they would be impressed.
645
00:28:20,792 --> 00:28:22,294
Like, "Damn,
look at all these trophies."
646
00:28:22,377 --> 00:28:24,338
I'm like, "Yeah,
read the names, man.
647
00:28:25,964 --> 00:28:28,675
None of 'em match."
648
00:28:28,759 --> 00:28:31,428
But he was proud of one trophy.
Whenever they would come over
649
00:28:31,511 --> 00:28:32,429
he would start
taking trophies out.
650
00:28:32,512 --> 00:28:34,973
Guys, this is my favorite one
right here."
651
00:28:35,057 --> 00:28:38,352
I'm like, "Dad, no one's gonna
believe that you play lacrosse."
652
00:28:38,435 --> 00:28:40,062
He's like, "Yes, I did.
653
00:28:40,145 --> 00:28:41,730
They gave this to me
when I "lacrosse" the border.
654
00:28:41,813 --> 00:28:43,398
They said, 'Here you go.'"
655
00:28:46,026 --> 00:28:49,821
I don't think that's what
it means, but all right.
656
00:28:52,658 --> 00:28:55,577
I love him, man.
My mom, a couple years ago,
657
00:28:55,661 --> 00:28:57,246
got cancer.
Got a brain tumor.
658
00:28:57,329 --> 00:28:59,915
And, uh, things got a little...
a little weird, man.
659
00:28:59,998 --> 00:29:01,083
It's like when you...
Uh, the person you love,
660
00:29:01,166 --> 00:29:05,212
your mother, is, uh,
you know, facing life and death,
661
00:29:05,295 --> 00:29:07,714
it's tough, you know?
And that was a really...
662
00:29:07,798 --> 00:29:08,924
hard time for me
and, uh, during that time
663
00:29:09,007 --> 00:29:12,761
I got Power of Attorney.
You know, over my mother
664
00:29:12,844 --> 00:29:13,553
'cause we didn't know
what was gonna happen.
665
00:29:13,637 --> 00:29:15,764
And, uh, they told my mom.
666
00:29:15,847 --> 00:29:17,307
Like, "Your son
has Power of Attorney,"
667
00:29:17,391 --> 00:29:18,267
But I don't know what she heard,
but she thinks
668
00:29:18,350 --> 00:29:22,437
I'm a powerful attorney...
669
00:29:22,521 --> 00:29:24,731
and I don't wanna tell her
that I have Power of Attorney.
670
00:29:24,815 --> 00:29:26,483
I don't wanna let her down,
you know?
671
00:29:26,566 --> 00:29:29,861
She's so proud.
I'm like, "Damn it, I'm stuck."
672
00:29:29,945 --> 00:29:32,114
She's bragging about it
to her friends.
673
00:29:32,197 --> 00:29:34,783
"Oh, he's very powerful,
this guy.
674
00:29:36,201 --> 00:29:38,453
If you need something legal,
talk to him.
675
00:29:38,537 --> 00:29:41,665
Powerful!"
676
00:29:41,748 --> 00:29:43,166
And when you get Power
of Attorney over a loved one,
677
00:29:43,250 --> 00:29:45,669
they do this thing
where they do an appraisal
678
00:29:45,752 --> 00:29:48,672
of your family's estate.
And they did that with us.
679
00:29:48,755 --> 00:29:50,674
You know, and it turns out
that my family's estate
680
00:29:50,757 --> 00:29:53,844
is valued at sentimental.
Um, so...
681
00:29:53,927 --> 00:29:56,305
So I'm just
gonna inherit grudges
682
00:29:56,388 --> 00:29:58,807
and undeveloped film roll
apparently.
683
00:29:58,890 --> 00:30:01,143
Yeah.
684
00:30:01,226 --> 00:30:04,438
Years later, man.
Years later my father also got,
685
00:30:04,521 --> 00:30:06,398
uh, cancer as well, man.
686
00:30:06,481 --> 00:30:07,858
And, uh, I was there.
I was actually there
687
00:30:07,941 --> 00:30:10,277
when my dad got diagnosed,
you know?
688
00:30:10,360 --> 00:30:12,988
I was there and I'm sitting
beside my father,
689
00:30:13,071 --> 00:30:14,323
the doctor's there
and, uh, again,
690
00:30:14,406 --> 00:30:16,950
my father does not know how
to speak or understand English
691
00:30:17,034 --> 00:30:19,202
so I'm there to translate,
you know?
692
00:30:19,286 --> 00:30:22,581
And, uh, the doctor goes,
"Hey, can you tell your father
693
00:30:22,664 --> 00:30:25,167
that this is the diagnosis
and this is a picture."
694
00:30:25,250 --> 00:30:26,960
So I translate.
I say, "Hey, Dad, this is
695
00:30:27,044 --> 00:30:29,796
what's going on and, uh,
he said you have cancer."
696
00:30:29,880 --> 00:30:30,881
My dad's like,
"That's not mine."
697
00:30:30,964 --> 00:30:35,177
The doctor was like,
"What happened?"
698
00:30:35,260 --> 00:30:37,137
"Oh, he said it's not his."
699
00:30:37,220 --> 00:30:40,599
He said, "No, I can assure you
that it... it's his
700
00:30:40,682 --> 00:30:42,976
and this is the paperwork."
And I explained
701
00:30:43,060 --> 00:30:44,853
that to him and he goes,
"No, no, no, no.
702
00:30:44,936 --> 00:30:47,898
Tell him that this is the same
picture they give everybody.
703
00:30:49,274 --> 00:30:50,859
And they just
wanna get money outta me.
704
00:30:50,942 --> 00:30:52,986
Come on, let's go."
705
00:30:53,070 --> 00:30:55,030
And my dad beat cancer.
He's cancer free.
706
00:30:55,113 --> 00:30:57,074
He beat cancer
on denial alone.
707
00:30:57,157 --> 00:31:00,327
So, yeah!
708
00:31:00,911 --> 00:31:04,289
How amazing is that?
709
00:31:04,373 --> 00:31:06,750
I wish I could be
as stubborn as my dad one day.
710
00:31:06,833 --> 00:31:08,835
He's like, "Fuck it."
They say the mind is powerful.
711
00:31:08,919 --> 00:31:10,962
It is.
"How'd you beat cancer?"
712
00:31:11,046 --> 00:31:13,757
"I didn't have it."
713
00:31:13,840 --> 00:31:16,885
Like, "Wow. Hell yeah."
714
00:31:19,721 --> 00:31:21,014
But that was a tough time
for me, man,
715
00:31:21,098 --> 00:31:22,891
'cause I took over
the family business.
716
00:31:22,974 --> 00:31:25,894
My dad was out of, you know,
he couldn't work, you know?
717
00:31:25,977 --> 00:31:27,562
So I took over
the family business
718
00:31:27,646 --> 00:31:29,773
and I was happy to do so.
I stopped doing comedy
719
00:31:29,856 --> 00:31:32,317
for some time, too,
and I'm out there mowing lawns.
720
00:31:32,401 --> 00:31:34,528
I remember the day...
the day I had to go out
721
00:31:34,611 --> 00:31:36,071
there on my own.
So, I'm mowing lawns
722
00:31:36,154 --> 00:31:37,823
and this owner of the house
comes out.
723
00:31:37,906 --> 00:31:40,242
Good friends with my father
for years, you know?
724
00:31:40,325 --> 00:31:42,035
And he comes out.
He's like, "Hey, man,
725
00:31:42,119 --> 00:31:43,412
can I talk to you?"
I said, "Yeah, what's up?"
726
00:31:43,495 --> 00:31:44,496
So I go over there.
We're talking.
727
00:31:44,579 --> 00:31:46,706
He's like, "Hey, man,
I heard about your father.
728
00:31:46,790 --> 00:31:48,250
I'm really sorry."
I said, "Thank you, man."
729
00:31:48,333 --> 00:31:50,043
He's like,
"Man, I hope he gets better."
730
00:31:50,127 --> 00:31:50,919
I'm like, "Thanks, man."
But the whole time he's talking
731
00:31:51,002 --> 00:31:52,921
to me he's not
making eye contact.
732
00:31:53,004 --> 00:31:56,174
He's looking at his yard work.
733
00:31:56,258 --> 00:31:57,676
He's like, "Oh..."
734
00:31:57,759 --> 00:32:00,178
He's all, "I hope your father
gets better.
735
00:32:01,972 --> 00:32:04,766
And, um,
yeah, he's a good guy.
736
00:32:04,850 --> 00:32:06,560
And, um..."
737
00:32:06,643 --> 00:32:09,104
Now I'm like, "Oh, boy,
I'm getting fired today."
738
00:32:09,187 --> 00:32:11,565
He's like,
"Can I tell you something?"
739
00:32:11,648 --> 00:32:12,399
I said, "Yes, what's up?"
740
00:32:12,482 --> 00:32:14,067
He said,
"You can't tell your dad."
741
00:32:14,151 --> 00:32:15,402
I said, "I won't."
742
00:32:15,485 --> 00:32:16,403
He's like,
"Man, you're way better
743
00:32:16,486 --> 00:32:18,071
at this than your father."
I'm like, "What?"
744
00:32:18,155 --> 00:32:20,740
It's like that's when
I felt like I lived
745
00:32:20,824 --> 00:32:22,951
the American Dream
backwards.
746
00:32:23,034 --> 00:32:25,412
I went to college,
got educated,
747
00:32:25,495 --> 00:32:26,746
followed my dreams
of being a comic,
748
00:32:26,830 --> 00:32:28,623
then mow lawns.
749
00:32:28,707 --> 00:32:29,666
It's like, "Shit,
I don't wanna find out
750
00:32:29,749 --> 00:32:34,087
that this is my calling."
You know what I mean?
751
00:32:34,171 --> 00:32:35,714
This is what I should've
been doing the whole time.
752
00:32:35,797 --> 00:32:37,090
Damn it!
753
00:32:37,174 --> 00:32:39,885
But I worry about my parents
'cause, like,
754
00:32:39,968 --> 00:32:41,928
I'm a caregiver at this point.
I'm a caregiver to my parents.
755
00:32:42,012 --> 00:32:43,472
It feels like I'm raising 'em.
756
00:32:43,555 --> 00:32:45,307
Everything they told me
not to do as a kid,
757
00:32:45,390 --> 00:32:48,477
as they're getting older,
they're doing it.
758
00:32:48,560 --> 00:32:49,978
Staring? They love it.
They just stare for no reason.
759
00:32:50,061 --> 00:32:52,814
I remember once
eating with my mom.
760
00:32:52,898 --> 00:32:54,316
We were sitting there
and my mom out of nowhere
761
00:32:54,399 --> 00:32:55,859
stands up and goes,
"That's a ugly shirt
762
00:32:55,942 --> 00:32:58,528
that guy has."
I'm like, "Awesome. For sure.
763
00:32:58,612 --> 00:33:01,490
He heard you."
764
00:33:01,573 --> 00:33:03,366
I look over there.
The guy's giving me
765
00:33:03,450 --> 00:33:05,327
the "what the hell" hands.
766
00:33:05,410 --> 00:33:06,995
He's says,
"What the hell, man?"
767
00:33:07,078 --> 00:33:08,413
I'm like, "I'm sorry, sir.
She's little.
768
00:33:08,497 --> 00:33:10,749
She don't know.
769
00:33:10,832 --> 00:33:13,960
Trying to raise her right,
you know?"
770
00:33:14,044 --> 00:33:16,338
It's so crazy.
Like, my parents I-I...
771
00:33:16,421 --> 00:33:18,798
I want them to be around,
but if they keep eating
772
00:33:18,882 --> 00:33:20,133
the way they do,
they're not.
773
00:33:20,217 --> 00:33:21,635
You know, they're like kids.
They want to eat
774
00:33:21,718 --> 00:33:22,469
everything
they're not supposed to.
775
00:33:22,552 --> 00:33:25,180
Greasy foods, sweets,
all of it.
776
00:33:25,263 --> 00:33:27,349
The doctor told both of my
parents that they cannot
777
00:33:27,432 --> 00:33:30,602
eat red meat and greasy foods,
you know?
778
00:33:30,685 --> 00:33:32,437
And my dad loves it.
Chicharrónes?
779
00:33:32,521 --> 00:33:34,064
His favorite food ever.
780
00:33:34,147 --> 00:33:35,649
If you guys don't know
what chicharrónes are,
781
00:33:35,732 --> 00:33:38,860
they're, uh, pork fat
fried in pork... fat.
782
00:33:40,779 --> 00:33:43,406
And if you've never had 'em,
yes, they're delicious.
783
00:33:43,490 --> 00:33:45,951
It's so good, man,
but it's like my dad goes
784
00:33:46,034 --> 00:33:48,203
on these walks, you know?
He goes on these walks
785
00:33:48,286 --> 00:33:50,705
and he'll be out walking
and, uh, he comes back home,
786
00:33:50,789 --> 00:33:53,917
his lips all shiny.
787
00:33:56,086 --> 00:33:57,128
I'm like, "What happened?"
788
00:33:57,212 --> 00:33:59,297
"What?
I went for a walk."
789
00:33:59,381 --> 00:34:01,007
I'm like, "Your lips
are all shiny."
790
00:34:01,091 --> 00:34:03,009
He's all, "Oh, shit."
"Chicharrónes?"
791
00:34:03,093 --> 00:34:05,762
He's like,
"Yeah, you know."
792
00:34:05,845 --> 00:34:07,389
Loves chicharrónes.
I remember one time
793
00:34:07,472 --> 00:34:09,391
I came home,
I was out on a road trip,
794
00:34:09,474 --> 00:34:11,393
I was out doing shows
and I come back home
795
00:34:11,476 --> 00:34:14,563
and as soon as I walk
into... into the apartment,
796
00:34:14,646 --> 00:34:17,190
I look towards the kitchen
and there's a red bag
797
00:34:17,274 --> 00:34:19,234
on top of the refrigerator.
And it was a paper bag
798
00:34:19,317 --> 00:34:21,111
and it looked wet
from, like, oil.
799
00:34:21,194 --> 00:34:24,072
I'm like, "Dang it, man."
That's what's so crazy about,
800
00:34:24,155 --> 00:34:25,407
like,
my dad eating chicharrónes.
801
00:34:25,490 --> 00:34:27,242
Like,
one time my dad got so mad
802
00:34:27,325 --> 00:34:29,327
that I poured hot grease
down the drain.
803
00:34:29,411 --> 00:34:30,245
He said it was gonna clog up.
804
00:34:30,328 --> 00:34:33,331
I'm like,
"You have no problem eating it."
805
00:34:35,333 --> 00:34:36,501
He's like, "It's expensive
to unclog a drain!"
806
00:34:36,585 --> 00:34:39,629
"It's a lot more expensive
to unclog a artery.
807
00:34:39,713 --> 00:34:41,381
I'll tell you that,
you know?"
808
00:34:41,464 --> 00:34:45,385
But I saw the paper bag there
and I was so let down, man.
809
00:34:45,468 --> 00:34:47,721
One, my parents are not
supposed to eat that.
810
00:34:47,804 --> 00:34:50,432
Two,
my parents are five foot.
811
00:34:51,933 --> 00:34:55,103
I'm 6'3".
I'm gonna see it.
812
00:34:57,355 --> 00:34:58,899
That hurt.
That means my parents
813
00:34:58,982 --> 00:35:01,735
worked together...
814
00:35:03,320 --> 00:35:07,282
to hide chicharrónes
in plain sight.
815
00:35:07,365 --> 00:35:10,118
"Okay, you get the chair."
"All right, let's do it."
816
00:35:11,953 --> 00:35:14,122
My mom helped
my dad get on top,
817
00:35:14,205 --> 00:35:16,958
kept his balance, and hid it
from me in plain sight.
818
00:35:17,042 --> 00:35:18,460
That hurt, man.
819
00:35:18,543 --> 00:35:20,128
'Cause if you're gonna hide
something from me,
820
00:35:20,211 --> 00:35:22,756
put it underneath
the refrigerator.
821
00:35:24,466 --> 00:35:27,218
So, I grabbed the bag
and they were in the bedroom
822
00:35:27,302 --> 00:35:28,637
and I go in there.
I kick the door open.
823
00:35:28,720 --> 00:35:31,640
And both of my parents are like,
824
00:35:31,723 --> 00:35:33,391
"Oh."
Like, "What happened?"
825
00:35:33,475 --> 00:35:35,810
My dad looks down,
sees the bag of chicharrón
826
00:35:35,894 --> 00:35:37,979
- in my hand.
- He's like, ""
827
00:35:41,358 --> 00:35:42,400
I'm like, "Guys, do you guys
know what this is?"
828
00:35:42,484 --> 00:35:46,029
And they're both up against
the wall scared.
829
00:35:46,112 --> 00:35:48,490
Like, it looked like I caught
two seventh graders
830
00:35:48,573 --> 00:35:51,201
sharing a pack of cigarettes,
you know?
831
00:35:51,284 --> 00:35:52,577
They're scared.
I'm like, "Dad, do you know
832
00:35:52,661 --> 00:35:54,120
what this is?"
He's like, "No.
833
00:35:54,204 --> 00:35:58,166
It's not mine."
834
00:35:58,249 --> 00:35:59,542
I'm like, "Are you sure, Dad?"
He's like, "Yeah.
835
00:35:59,626 --> 00:36:00,919
I'm holding them for a friend."
You know?
836
00:36:03,254 --> 00:36:05,924
It's like, "You're lying
to me, Dad."
837
00:36:06,007 --> 00:36:08,510
And my mom has this
super power, man.
838
00:36:08,593 --> 00:36:10,470
It's called Catholic guilt.
839
00:36:10,553 --> 00:36:14,182
She'll lie for my father
right in front of me.
840
00:36:14,265 --> 00:36:17,143
She slid out with an excuse
like the Temptations.
841
00:36:17,227 --> 00:36:20,271
Just,
842
00:36:20,355 --> 00:36:22,190
"Listen, he told you
they're not his,
843
00:36:22,273 --> 00:36:25,235
but if you wanna act that way,
be that way."
844
00:36:27,404 --> 00:36:30,240
I'm like, "Whoa."
845
00:36:30,323 --> 00:36:32,283
Like, how do I feel
like the bad person now,
846
00:36:32,367 --> 00:36:35,161
you know?
847
00:36:35,245 --> 00:36:36,788
I don't know what to do.
I think I gotta start
848
00:36:36,871 --> 00:36:39,040
searching my apartment
for snack contraband
849
00:36:39,124 --> 00:36:41,960
like it's a prison cell.
850
00:36:42,043 --> 00:36:44,713
Bring the neighbor's kid,
Arturo, little chubby kid.
851
00:36:44,796 --> 00:36:46,840
He can smell snacks
from a mile away.
852
00:36:47,674 --> 00:36:49,384
Like, "Mom, Dad,
this is Arturo."
853
00:36:49,467 --> 00:36:50,885
"Wait, hold on, bro.
854
00:36:50,969 --> 00:36:53,763
Hold on. Hold on.
855
00:36:53,847 --> 00:36:57,434
He can smell snacks
from a mile away.
856
00:36:57,517 --> 00:36:59,728
If there's anything in here
you want me to know about,
857
00:36:59,811 --> 00:37:02,439
tell me now
'cause if he finds it...
858
00:37:02,522 --> 00:37:04,441
Hold on, bro! Hold on!
859
00:37:04,524 --> 00:37:07,110
I will call
your primary care physician.
860
00:37:07,193 --> 00:37:11,573
Okay?"
861
00:37:11,656 --> 00:37:13,366
I don't know
how to get through to them.
862
00:37:13,450 --> 00:37:15,744
I want them to be around,
but I don't want them
863
00:37:15,827 --> 00:37:17,037
to keep eating unhealthy.
864
00:37:17,120 --> 00:37:18,997
I saw this show called
Scared Straight.
865
00:37:19,080 --> 00:37:19,748
I don't know
if you guys seen it.
866
00:37:19,831 --> 00:37:21,416
It's been around
for a long time.
867
00:37:21,499 --> 00:37:24,210
Um, Scared Straight.
The premise of the show
868
00:37:24,294 --> 00:37:25,587
is kids
who are messing up in life,
869
00:37:25,670 --> 00:37:27,756
they take 'em to a prison,
they scare 'em
870
00:37:27,839 --> 00:37:29,549
in hopes of them
turning their life around.
871
00:37:29,632 --> 00:37:31,259
And most of the time
it works.
872
00:37:31,342 --> 00:37:34,721
I wanna do a TV show like that
for elderly people
873
00:37:34,804 --> 00:37:37,515
where you take 'em to a ER...
874
00:37:39,017 --> 00:37:41,061
and scare 'em a little bit.
875
00:37:41,144 --> 00:37:42,854
I would love to do that,
you know?
876
00:37:42,937 --> 00:37:45,190
Take my parents.
Like, "This is not McDonald's."
877
00:37:45,273 --> 00:37:46,941
I'm like, "I know it's not.
878
00:37:47,025 --> 00:37:49,611
This is a ER."
879
00:37:49,694 --> 00:37:51,362
Just to see the look
on my father's face.
880
00:37:51,446 --> 00:37:52,989
Like, "Why is that guy
missing his ears?"
881
00:37:53,073 --> 00:37:54,741
"'Cause he wouldn't
eat vegetables, Dad.
882
00:37:54,824 --> 00:37:56,034
That's why."
883
00:37:56,117 --> 00:37:57,327
"Why is that guy
missing his legs?"
884
00:37:57,410 --> 00:37:59,037
"'Cause he only
ate chicharrónes.
885
00:37:59,120 --> 00:38:01,581
Your choice, Dad."
886
00:38:01,664 --> 00:38:04,125
My dad sometimes
likes to compare me
887
00:38:04,209 --> 00:38:05,627
to other people which is...
fine.
888
00:38:05,710 --> 00:38:09,464
He uses it as a mechanism
for tough love, you know?
889
00:38:09,547 --> 00:38:11,674
He wants...
He wants to inspire me.
890
00:38:11,758 --> 00:38:14,302
Do better, you know?
Push me to do great things.
891
00:38:14,385 --> 00:38:16,888
Like, to this day he compares
me to this friend of mine.
892
00:38:16,971 --> 00:38:18,973
His name Jesse
and I grew up with him.
893
00:38:19,057 --> 00:38:22,560
His father was a mechanic
and, uh, my dad a gardener
894
00:38:22,644 --> 00:38:24,437
and we grew up working
with our fathers
895
00:38:24,521 --> 00:38:25,647
and that's how we bonded.
We became good friends.
896
00:38:25,730 --> 00:38:29,651
The thing about Jesse
is that he's now a gynecologist.
897
00:38:29,734 --> 00:38:32,320
You know, and he put himself
through medical school
898
00:38:32,403 --> 00:38:33,947
working as a mechanic.
899
00:38:34,030 --> 00:38:36,533
And I still think
he has mechanic tendencies.
900
00:38:36,616 --> 00:38:40,411
You just can't get rid of that.
901
00:38:40,495 --> 00:38:42,330
And my dad's like, "How come
you can't be like him?"
902
00:38:42,413 --> 00:38:44,124
It's like, "We don't know
if he's a good gynecologist
903
00:38:44,207 --> 00:38:45,166
or not.
904
00:38:45,250 --> 00:38:47,919
I gotta go to his office
to see how it goes down."
905
00:38:48,002 --> 00:38:48,670
Like, "Hi, Mrs. Smith.
How are you?
906
00:38:48,753 --> 00:38:49,671
What brings you in?
Check up?
907
00:38:49,754 --> 00:38:52,006
Okay, let's take a look
under the hood.
908
00:38:52,090 --> 00:38:55,468
Have a seat here.
909
00:38:55,552 --> 00:38:57,178
Excuse me,
can you lift your legs up?
910
00:38:57,262 --> 00:38:59,264
All right, here we go.
911
00:39:03,268 --> 00:39:05,186
All right, let's take a look
under the hood.
912
00:39:05,270 --> 00:39:07,981
See, . All right,
let's take a look here.
913
00:39:08,857 --> 00:39:12,902
What year is this?
'86? No way.
914
00:39:12,986 --> 00:39:14,279
They don't make 'em
like this anymore.
915
00:39:14,362 --> 00:39:16,364
I'll tell you that.
916
00:39:16,447 --> 00:39:18,992
You American?
Nice, with Mexican parts.
917
00:39:19,075 --> 00:39:21,327
I like it, man.
918
00:39:21,411 --> 00:39:23,621
Got some water damage in here.
We can fix it.
919
00:39:23,705 --> 00:39:28,209
When was the last time
you changed the filter, huh?
920
00:39:28,293 --> 00:39:29,669
Thanks for coming in.
They'll take care of you
921
00:39:29,752 --> 00:39:31,838
right over here.
Thanks for coming."
922
00:39:34,382 --> 00:39:36,593
I will say this,
if I can tell you one thing
923
00:39:36,676 --> 00:39:39,095
to take away tonight
it's to don't do anything
924
00:39:39,179 --> 00:39:41,139
to impress other people.
Do it to impress yourself.
925
00:39:41,222 --> 00:39:42,765
I learned that the hard way,
man.
926
00:39:42,849 --> 00:39:45,727
I ran the L. A. Marathon
trying to impress my dad.
927
00:39:45,810 --> 00:39:47,103
Uh...
928
00:39:47,187 --> 00:39:49,063
That's a long way to go
for respect, man.
929
00:39:51,733 --> 00:39:53,276
Holy moly.
930
00:39:53,359 --> 00:39:55,570
But I wanted to impress my dad.
I-I've never done
931
00:39:55,653 --> 00:39:57,530
anything like that
and it's like, look,
932
00:39:57,614 --> 00:40:00,742
there's some things I can't
explain to immigrant parents.
933
00:40:00,825 --> 00:40:02,911
My dad is from Mexico
and there's certain things
934
00:40:02,994 --> 00:40:03,995
I can't explain to him.
Like, one time I bought
935
00:40:04,078 --> 00:40:06,414
a pair of ripped jeans.
I thought I looked great.
936
00:40:06,497 --> 00:40:08,583
I put 'em on,
about to leave.
937
00:40:08,666 --> 00:40:09,709
I'm like, "All right."
938
00:40:09,792 --> 00:40:11,336
And my dad
stopped me at the door.
939
00:40:11,419 --> 00:40:12,587
"Hey, Jesus! Jesus!
Don't go nowhere, man.
940
00:40:12,670 --> 00:40:14,255
Your pants are ripped."
941
00:40:14,339 --> 00:40:15,882
He scared me.
942
00:40:15,965 --> 00:40:18,384
I'm like, "What?
No, I-I bought 'em this way."
943
00:40:18,468 --> 00:40:20,011
He's like, "That's okay.
Keep the receipt.
944
00:40:20,094 --> 00:40:22,055
That happened to me one time."
945
00:40:25,058 --> 00:40:28,061
I'm like, "No, Dad, I bought 'em
bought 'em this way."
946
00:40:28,144 --> 00:40:30,605
"What?"
947
00:40:30,688 --> 00:40:33,024
He's like, "So, you bought pants
to make it seem
948
00:40:33,107 --> 00:40:37,195
like you have a harder job
than you do?"
949
00:40:37,278 --> 00:40:39,364
He's all, "No one's gonna
believe you ripped the pants
950
00:40:39,447 --> 00:40:41,741
telling jokes."
951
00:40:43,785 --> 00:40:45,787
"Good point."
952
00:40:45,870 --> 00:40:47,956
He's all, "That's the problem
with your generation.
953
00:40:48,039 --> 00:40:50,583
Millennials, you do things
to impress other people."
954
00:40:50,667 --> 00:40:52,710
He's all, "Would you buy
a brand new car
955
00:40:52,794 --> 00:40:53,711
that's already dented?"
956
00:40:53,795 --> 00:40:56,714
I'm like, "If it's cool,
hell yeah I would."
957
00:40:57,799 --> 00:41:00,051
He told me.
He's like, "Hey, have a seat.
958
00:41:00,134 --> 00:41:02,053
I wanna talk to you."
I'm all, "All right."
959
00:41:02,136 --> 00:41:03,429
He goes to his closet,
opens it up,
960
00:41:03,513 --> 00:41:04,806
he showed me stacks
of ripped jeans
961
00:41:04,889 --> 00:41:06,724
he doesn't wear anymore
because they're ripped.
962
00:41:06,808 --> 00:41:08,601
He's all, "Look at this.
You don't see me wearing them."
963
00:41:08,685 --> 00:41:10,019
And I was like,
"What size are they?"
964
00:41:10,103 --> 00:41:11,145
He's like,
"Shut the hell up, man."
965
00:41:13,940 --> 00:41:15,733
My mom felt bad...
My mom felt bad
966
00:41:15,817 --> 00:41:18,444
that my dad was giving me
a hard time
967
00:41:18,528 --> 00:41:20,488
about the jeans
so, again, I go on the road,
968
00:41:20,571 --> 00:41:21,906
I come back like a week later.
969
00:41:21,990 --> 00:41:23,825
You know what
my adorable mom did?
970
00:41:23,908 --> 00:41:26,160
She got all my ripped jeans
and just sewed them up.
971
00:41:29,080 --> 00:41:31,332
What do you say to that?
"Thank you."
972
00:41:32,709 --> 00:41:35,586
Certain things
you can't explain, man.
973
00:41:35,670 --> 00:41:39,007
Abstract art.
974
00:41:39,090 --> 00:41:42,635
To my parent's generation,
art looked like art,
975
00:41:42,719 --> 00:41:43,553
They don't have an appreciation
for other things.
976
00:41:43,636 --> 00:41:46,431
They're like, "What is this?"
You know?
977
00:41:46,514 --> 00:41:49,017
So I have a friend,
Talented, talented artist,
978
00:41:49,100 --> 00:41:51,561
his name's Taylor
and I went to one of his shows.
979
00:41:51,644 --> 00:41:55,440
And he sold out on all
his abstract art
980
00:41:55,523 --> 00:41:57,025
and it was beautiful, man.
I was so happy.
981
00:41:57,108 --> 00:41:59,360
I was, like, cheering for him.
Like, "Man, this is awesome."
982
00:41:59,444 --> 00:42:00,695
But he had one piece left.
983
00:42:00,778 --> 00:42:02,655
He's like,
"No, I didn't sell one.
984
00:42:02,739 --> 00:42:03,698
I'm left with one piece."
I said, "Oh, that's awesome."
985
00:42:03,781 --> 00:42:06,159
He's all,
"I'm gonna give it to you."
986
00:42:06,242 --> 00:42:07,368
I said, "No, you don't...
you don't have to.
987
00:42:07,452 --> 00:42:08,995
I couldn't afford it."
988
00:42:09,078 --> 00:42:10,038
He's like,
"No, I'm giving it to you.
989
00:42:10,121 --> 00:42:12,206
Thank you for coming out."
I'm like, "Ah, shit.
990
00:42:12,290 --> 00:42:13,708
Thank you, man."
991
00:42:13,791 --> 00:42:14,584
So, I was so happy.
This is my first ever art piece.
992
00:42:14,667 --> 00:42:17,462
You know, I grab it,
I go home,
993
00:42:17,545 --> 00:42:19,088
and I put it up on my wall.
994
00:42:19,172 --> 00:42:20,798
And I'm so proud, man.
This is my first art piece.
995
00:42:20,882 --> 00:42:24,218
And all it is,
it's a big, white square
996
00:42:24,302 --> 00:42:27,180
red triangle,
997
00:42:27,263 --> 00:42:28,389
uh, yellow rectangle,
998
00:42:28,473 --> 00:42:32,060
red circle,
squiggly line.
999
00:42:32,143 --> 00:42:35,063
Abstract art,
you know what I mean?
1000
00:42:35,146 --> 00:42:36,022
And I'm proud.
I'm just soaking it in.
1001
00:42:36,105 --> 00:42:38,900
I'm like, "Wow,
this is beautiful, man."
1002
00:42:38,983 --> 00:42:40,568
And then I hear my dad's
slippers walk into the room.
1003
00:42:40,651 --> 00:42:45,656
Just...
1004
00:42:45,740 --> 00:42:47,658
And I don't even wanna
turn around
1005
00:42:47,742 --> 00:42:50,411
'cause I can feel the heat
from my dad's eyes on my neck.
1006
00:42:50,495 --> 00:42:52,663
Just burning a hole.
1007
00:42:52,747 --> 00:42:55,583
Just... shh...
1008
00:42:55,666 --> 00:42:56,751
I don't know what it is.
1009
00:42:56,834 --> 00:42:58,002
My dad's always
chewing something.
1010
00:42:58,086 --> 00:42:59,420
Just...,
you know?
1011
00:43:01,214 --> 00:43:05,927
And I can hear it behind me.
Just, shhhh and then.
1012
00:43:07,178 --> 00:43:09,555
But I don't wanna turn around.
Just letting him wait.
1013
00:43:09,639 --> 00:43:11,099
Finally,
he can't take it no more.
1014
00:43:11,182 --> 00:43:14,394
He's like,
"Wha... What the hell is this?"
1015
00:43:14,477 --> 00:43:15,686
Like, "Dad! I didn't
even know you were there."
1016
00:43:15,770 --> 00:43:19,107
You know?
He's all, "What is this?"
1017
00:43:19,190 --> 00:43:22,360
I'm like, "Oh, this is, uh...
this is abstract art."
1018
00:43:22,443 --> 00:43:23,444
He's like,
"Who gave you that?"
1019
00:43:23,528 --> 00:43:25,863
I'm like, "Oh, oh, oh,
my friend gave it to me."
1020
00:43:25,947 --> 00:43:27,281
He's all,
"How old's your friend? Five?"
1021
00:43:30,159 --> 00:43:32,870
"Ha ha! Yeah, I can see
why you think that,
1022
00:43:32,954 --> 00:43:34,789
but, uh, no he's like
30-something years old."
1023
00:43:34,872 --> 00:43:37,959
"Oh, okay. So he did this
when he was younger
1024
00:43:38,042 --> 00:43:39,085
or something?"
1025
00:43:39,168 --> 00:43:40,711
"No."
1026
00:43:40,795 --> 00:43:43,131
He's like,
"Is he gonna finish it?"
1027
00:43:43,214 --> 00:43:43,881
I'm like, "It's done, Dad.
It's done.
1028
00:43:43,965 --> 00:43:48,386
This is it."
1029
00:43:48,469 --> 00:43:50,054
So there's certain things
I can't explain to my father.
1030
00:43:50,138 --> 00:43:52,974
So, I don't know why I tried,
but in my heart I'm like,
1031
00:43:53,057 --> 00:43:55,143
"You know what?
I'm gonna run a marathon
1032
00:43:55,226 --> 00:43:56,352
and I'm gonna make
my father proud."
1033
00:43:56,436 --> 00:43:59,689
'Cause we don't have any
trophies or medals in our name.
1034
00:43:59,772 --> 00:44:02,567
In our last name.
1035
00:44:02,650 --> 00:44:03,943
So I'm like,
"He's gonna be really proud.
1036
00:44:04,026 --> 00:44:05,695
This is gonna be our first one.
1037
00:44:05,778 --> 00:44:07,155
He's gonna get rid of all of 'em
and this is gonna be it."
1038
00:44:07,238 --> 00:44:09,157
So I train for a year.
Uh, for a year straight
1039
00:44:09,240 --> 00:44:12,827
every day rain or shine.
In the morning I would wake up
1040
00:44:12,910 --> 00:44:14,996
and run three miles a day
and I did that
1041
00:44:15,079 --> 00:44:17,623
for a whole year to train.
I felt good.
1042
00:44:17,707 --> 00:44:21,335
Uh, I now know that
that was incorrect, you know?
1043
00:44:21,419 --> 00:44:24,380
'Cause at some point you gotta
run more than three miles.
1044
00:44:26,841 --> 00:44:29,051
And, um, but I ran
it with a friend of mine
1045
00:44:29,135 --> 00:44:31,512
and my friend was very gracious
and saying that he was
1046
00:44:31,596 --> 00:44:34,515
meet me at the race.
1047
00:44:34,599 --> 00:44:37,018
Uh, at the start line
the day of, you know?
1048
00:44:37,101 --> 00:44:38,811
So, I get there
and I'm stretching.
1049
00:44:38,895 --> 00:44:40,396
I'm, like, in a good mood,
and he shows up.
1050
00:44:40,480 --> 00:44:41,939
He's like,
"Hey, man, good to see you."
1051
00:44:42,023 --> 00:44:43,191
I'm like, "Man, good to see you,
too. Are you ready?"
1052
00:44:43,274 --> 00:44:45,902
He's like, "Yeah, I'm ready."
He's all, "Did you train?"
1053
00:44:45,985 --> 00:44:47,695
I'm like, "I did.
Three miles a day."
1054
00:44:47,778 --> 00:44:50,531
He's like, "What the fuck?"
1055
00:44:50,615 --> 00:44:52,450
He's all, "You're kidding!"
I said, "No!
1056
00:44:52,533 --> 00:44:55,203
That's pretty good, right?"
He's like, "No, that's bad."
1057
00:44:55,286 --> 00:44:57,872
He's all, "You're gotta run
more than three miles a day."
1058
00:44:57,955 --> 00:44:59,499
He's like, "Ah,
but it's too late now."
1059
00:44:59,582 --> 00:45:03,377
I'm like, "I guess."
1060
00:45:03,461 --> 00:45:05,546
I'm like, "Do you have
any tips for me?"
1061
00:45:05,630 --> 00:45:07,715
He's like, "Uh...
1062
00:45:07,798 --> 00:45:10,843
go home, maybe? I don't..."
1063
00:45:10,927 --> 00:45:12,553
Like, "No, I'm gonna stay."
He's all, "All right.
1064
00:45:12,637 --> 00:45:15,598
No, I'm kidding.
I'm... I'm glad you're here.
1065
00:45:15,681 --> 00:45:17,391
He's all, "The biggest tip
I can give you..."
1066
00:45:17,475 --> 00:45:19,685
He's like, "Look, you're gonna
be running for so long
1067
00:45:19,769 --> 00:45:22,271
that if you don't eat stuff,
you can faint
1068
00:45:22,355 --> 00:45:24,565
and, like, die."
He's like, "People, like,
1069
00:45:24,649 --> 00:45:26,025
poop themselves
and all kinds of stuff.
1070
00:45:26,108 --> 00:45:27,902
And they throw up."
He's all, "You gotta eat."
1071
00:45:27,985 --> 00:45:31,072
I'm like, "Oh, no,
I'll eat for sure."
1072
00:45:31,155 --> 00:45:33,241
And I did.
I ate everything they gave me.
1073
00:45:33,324 --> 00:45:35,910
I ate cookies,
donuts, sandwiches.
1074
00:45:35,993 --> 00:45:38,079
Brownies.
I ate everything, man.
1075
00:45:38,162 --> 00:45:41,374
I'm the first marathon runner
ever to weigh more at the end...
1076
00:45:43,084 --> 00:45:46,087
than the beginning
of the marathon.
1077
00:45:46,170 --> 00:45:48,548
"Mr. Trejo, would you run
the marathon again?"
1078
00:45:48,631 --> 00:45:50,424
"Absolutely.
It was delicious."
1079
00:45:54,679 --> 00:45:57,932
But I ran it, man.
It was... It was so cool.
1080
00:45:58,015 --> 00:45:59,725
Uh, L. A. Marathon,
it's, uh, Dodger Stadium
1081
00:45:59,809 --> 00:46:02,937
all the way to
Santa Monica Pier.
1082
00:46:03,020 --> 00:46:04,730
- Wow.
- Yeah, 26.2 miles.
1083
00:46:04,814 --> 00:46:07,483
Like, that's far in a car,
you know what I mean?
1084
00:46:07,567 --> 00:46:09,944
It took me five hours,
44 minutes,
1085
00:46:10,027 --> 00:46:11,737
39 seconds, you know?
1086
00:46:11,821 --> 00:46:13,239
I still got the quicker
had I driven through
1087
00:46:13,322 --> 00:46:16,200
L.A. traffic, you know?
1088
00:46:16,284 --> 00:46:19,287
But I did it, man.
Biggest accomplishment, man.
1089
00:46:19,370 --> 00:46:22,582
And, uh, I remember running
and... and just enjoying it.
1090
00:46:22,665 --> 00:46:24,083
'Cause I had never
run a marathon.
1091
00:46:24,166 --> 00:46:26,669
I was having a great time.
I'm running, and, uh,
1092
00:46:26,752 --> 00:46:28,588
I didn't know what "goo" was.
Maybe you guys know
1093
00:46:28,671 --> 00:46:30,089
- what "goo" is.
- Yeah.
1094
00:46:30,172 --> 00:46:31,591
Uh, yeah, like little packets
of caffeine.
1095
00:46:31,674 --> 00:46:33,342
100 mg, you know?
1096
00:46:33,426 --> 00:46:34,802
And I was killin' 'em
'cause I didn't know it was,
1097
00:46:34,885 --> 00:46:36,804
like, caffeine.
1098
00:46:36,887 --> 00:46:38,806
It was just delicious.
So I'm killing 'em.
1099
00:46:38,889 --> 00:46:40,141
Killin' 'em.
1100
00:46:40,224 --> 00:46:42,184
And I-I felt, like,
a energy boost.
1101
00:46:42,268 --> 00:46:45,396
And, uh, my homie was like,
"Hey, you know those have
1102
00:46:45,479 --> 00:46:47,773
caffeine?"
I'm like, "No, way."
1103
00:46:47,857 --> 00:46:49,317
You know, I'm probably
running faster.
1104
00:46:49,400 --> 00:46:51,652
In my head I'm, like,
jetting, you know?
1105
00:46:54,488 --> 00:46:56,365
The reality was
I was just like, "Oh."
1106
00:46:56,449 --> 00:46:58,159
Like, "Oh, no.
1107
00:46:58,242 --> 00:47:00,828
Oh, this is not good, man."
1108
00:47:00,911 --> 00:47:02,747
I looked like a crackhead
from Long Beach,
1109
00:47:02,830 --> 00:47:04,999
you know what I mean?
"Give me your shoes.
1110
00:47:05,082 --> 00:47:07,209
Give me your shoes.
1111
00:47:07,293 --> 00:47:11,005
Stop curling your toes, bro."
1112
00:47:11,088 --> 00:47:13,215
But I ran it, man.
1113
00:47:13,299 --> 00:47:14,342
And I kept eating 'em,
eating 'em.
1114
00:47:14,425 --> 00:47:18,012
And then at one point
I was just so excited, man.
1115
00:47:18,095 --> 00:47:20,848
I was just so excited that,
uh, people give you stuff,
1116
00:47:20,931 --> 00:47:22,558
like, along the way.
They give you, like, little cups
1117
00:47:22,642 --> 00:47:25,019
of Gatorades
at the water station,
1118
00:47:25,102 --> 00:47:27,396
uh, they give you, like,
water, and then at one point
1119
00:47:27,480 --> 00:47:29,357
I see this woman.
She has a Popsicle stick out
1120
00:47:29,440 --> 00:47:32,693
with a big chunk of goo.
Big ole thing like this
1121
00:47:32,777 --> 00:47:34,570
and she's holding it up
and I'm like, "Oh,
1122
00:47:34,654 --> 00:47:37,365
I haven't had the vanilla one.
1123
00:47:37,448 --> 00:47:40,451
This is gonna be good."
So I'm, like, going over there,
1124
00:47:40,534 --> 00:47:41,327
you know?
1125
00:47:41,410 --> 00:47:43,162
More like...
just going over there.
1126
00:47:43,245 --> 00:47:46,916
And, um, so I get closer.
It's like you know when you,
1127
00:47:46,999 --> 00:47:49,043
like, about to eat something
and in your head you're like,
1128
00:47:49,126 --> 00:47:51,921
"Oh, this is a flavor
that I'm about to get into"?
1129
00:47:52,004 --> 00:47:55,424
So, I'm like, "Oh, this is
gonna be so good." You know?
1130
00:47:55,508 --> 00:47:58,135
I grab it and I eat it.
It was all Vaseline,
1131
00:47:58,219 --> 00:47:59,762
so...
1132
00:47:59,845 --> 00:48:02,890
One of the most disgusting
things I've ever eaten
1133
00:48:02,973 --> 00:48:04,892
in my life.
1134
00:48:04,975 --> 00:48:07,103
It's so hard to get Vaseline
out of your mouth, man.
1135
00:48:07,186 --> 00:48:10,564
Water doesn't help.
It just glides off.
1136
00:48:10,648 --> 00:48:12,358
"Aah... aah..."
1137
00:48:14,735 --> 00:48:17,738
And then about 30 minutes later
I'm running, I'm running,
1138
00:48:17,822 --> 00:48:19,490
I'm having a good time,
and then I just hear my stomach
1139
00:48:19,573 --> 00:48:21,492
go,.
1140
00:48:21,575 --> 00:48:25,913
I'm like, "Oh, no,
the Goo Gods are talking."
1141
00:48:25,996 --> 00:48:29,333
So I had to go to the restroom
1142
00:48:29,417 --> 00:48:31,711
and I went to the restroom.
I took the most immaculate
1143
00:48:31,794 --> 00:48:33,838
number two
I've ever taken in my life.
1144
00:48:33,921 --> 00:48:36,716
- Easy, no pressure.
- Just...
1145
00:48:36,799 --> 00:48:39,468
Done.
1146
00:48:39,552 --> 00:48:42,763
Not a trace.
Just like, "Really? Nothing?
1147
00:48:49,520 --> 00:48:52,898
That was pretty cool."
Like a little phantom deuce,
1148
00:48:52,982 --> 00:48:55,609
you know?
1149
00:48:55,693 --> 00:48:58,904
So I got back out there, man,
and I'm just running, man.
1150
00:48:58,988 --> 00:49:01,782
I'm doing my thing.
And it feels good, you know?
1151
00:49:01,866 --> 00:49:04,118
So about mile 11
I broke off from my friend.
1152
00:49:04,201 --> 00:49:05,786
I'm like,
"Hey, man, I'm gonna go ahead."
1153
00:49:05,870 --> 00:49:07,621
He's like, "Hey, man, do you.
Do you"
1154
00:49:07,705 --> 00:49:09,415
I'm like, "All right."
So, you know, I started
1155
00:49:09,498 --> 00:49:11,959
getting ahead
and then around mile 16
1156
00:49:12,042 --> 00:49:14,211
my body starts to break down.
I feel it.
1157
00:49:14,295 --> 00:49:16,922
My knees sound like,
just, uh, empty water bottles
1158
00:49:17,006 --> 00:49:18,257
being crushed.
It's just...
1159
00:49:18,340 --> 00:49:21,927
"This is not good, you know?"
But I'm going.
1160
00:49:22,011 --> 00:49:23,304
Um, I started getting pain
in my lower back.
1161
00:49:23,387 --> 00:49:25,639
You know, it feels
like somebody's tasering me.
1162
00:49:25,723 --> 00:49:27,141
I got a headache
from all the caffeine goo
1163
00:49:27,224 --> 00:49:29,894
I've been eating,
but I'm going.
1164
00:49:29,977 --> 00:49:33,606
So it's now mile 26, right?
Mile 26.
1165
00:49:33,689 --> 00:49:36,192
I'm .2 miles away
from the finish line
1166
00:49:36,275 --> 00:49:37,818
and I can see it!
I'm right there.
1167
00:49:37,902 --> 00:49:40,112
I'm about to be done,
but I take what I think
1168
00:49:40,196 --> 00:49:42,865
is gonna be my last step
ever in life.
1169
00:49:42,948 --> 00:49:44,200
I take the last step.
1170
00:49:44,283 --> 00:49:47,620
I'm like,
"Ugh, I can't go anymore."
1171
00:49:47,703 --> 00:49:49,205
I'm like, "I-I have to take
another step."
1172
00:49:49,288 --> 00:49:51,332
So I take another step.
I'm like, "
1173
00:49:51,415 --> 00:49:54,752
That hurts so much."
And if you've ever run
1174
00:49:54,835 --> 00:49:56,712
a marathon, you know
how supportive people can be.
1175
00:49:56,796 --> 00:49:58,881
They're very supportive
and that's what's beautiful
1176
00:49:58,964 --> 00:50:00,216
about a marathon, you know?
People supporting people
1177
00:50:00,299 --> 00:50:03,511
to accomplish
a life-long dream or a goal.
1178
00:50:03,594 --> 00:50:06,347
And I'm there and I'm just like,
"I don't know what to do."
1179
00:50:06,430 --> 00:50:08,974
And this elderly woman
runs past me and she's like,
1180
00:50:09,058 --> 00:50:10,392
"Baby, you can do it."
I'm like, "Ah!
1181
00:50:10,476 --> 00:50:14,021
That hurt so much!
1182
00:50:14,104 --> 00:50:17,900
You're not helping!"
1183
00:50:17,983 --> 00:50:19,318
That hurt a lot.
1184
00:50:19,401 --> 00:50:21,070
And I thought about quitting
at that moment.
1185
00:50:21,153 --> 00:50:23,405
I said, "You know what?
I'm done.
1186
00:50:23,489 --> 00:50:24,281
I don't wanna do this no more.
I'm done."
1187
00:50:24,365 --> 00:50:26,867
But I remind myself
why I'm there.
1188
00:50:26,951 --> 00:50:28,619
I'm like, "You know, don't you
wanna make your dad proud?"
1189
00:50:28,702 --> 00:50:31,205
I'm like, "Yeah, I do."
So I stay, you know?
1190
00:50:31,288 --> 00:50:34,667
And I take another step
and I'm like,
1191
00:50:34,750 --> 00:50:36,168
"I think I can do this."
1192
00:50:36,252 --> 00:50:36,877
So I started taking
my little steps and I'm just
1193
00:50:36,961 --> 00:50:38,254
going for it, you know?
1194
00:50:38,337 --> 00:50:40,256
My shoulder blades hurt
so much at this point.
1195
00:50:40,339 --> 00:50:42,842
They're all cramped up
that I can't, like,
1196
00:50:42,925 --> 00:50:45,219
keep my arms straight to run.
They're like coiled up.
1197
00:50:45,302 --> 00:50:47,054
And I'm like,
"That's not stopping me."
1198
00:50:47,137 --> 00:50:49,932
I'm just going for it.
I'm going.
1199
00:50:50,015 --> 00:50:51,934
And then as I'm going,
people start clapping for me.
1200
00:50:52,017 --> 00:50:52,977
They're like, "You can do it!"
I'm like, "All right,
1201
00:50:53,060 --> 00:50:55,354
thank you, man.
1202
00:50:55,437 --> 00:50:58,983
- Appreciate y'all.
- All right."
1203
00:51:03,445 --> 00:51:05,948
And I keep going.
I'm getting, like, more energy.
1204
00:51:06,031 --> 00:51:07,491
I'm like,
"Yeah! Hell yeah, man!"
1205
00:51:07,575 --> 00:51:09,410
And then I look back
and everyone's cheering.
1206
00:51:09,493 --> 00:51:10,327
They're like, "Keep going!"
I'm like, "All right!
1207
00:51:10,411 --> 00:51:12,246
All right! Sorry, man.
1208
00:51:12,329 --> 00:51:16,000
I didn't know you can't stop,
you know?"
1209
00:51:16,083 --> 00:51:18,836
I looked to my left,
this woman is crying, man.
1210
00:51:18,919 --> 00:51:20,212
I look to my left
and she's crying.
1211
00:51:20,296 --> 00:51:23,007
She's like, "Keep going, baby!"
I'm like, "I am. Are you okay?"
1212
00:51:23,090 --> 00:51:25,092
She's like, "Yeah, keep going!
This is beautiful!"
1213
00:51:25,175 --> 00:51:26,927
I'm like, "What is?
1214
00:51:29,930 --> 00:51:33,475
What's beautiful?
1215
00:51:33,559 --> 00:51:36,353
The sky?
I know that one."
1216
00:51:36,437 --> 00:51:39,273
So I just keep going, man.
1217
00:51:39,356 --> 00:51:41,275
And I'm getting closer.
I'm like, "Oh, hell yeah!"
1218
00:51:41,358 --> 00:51:42,776
You know?
1219
00:51:42,860 --> 00:51:44,820
And then I look to my right
and I see this woman.
1220
00:51:44,904 --> 00:51:46,447
She's crying, too, but I can't
hear 'cause it's so loud.
1221
00:51:46,530 --> 00:51:50,034
People are cheering,
but I can read her lips.
1222
00:51:50,117 --> 00:51:52,202
I look at her.
I'm like, "What is she saying?"
1223
00:51:52,286 --> 00:51:54,079
She's like,
"You are an inspiration to me."
1224
00:51:54,163 --> 00:51:56,081
I go, "Oh, no...
1225
00:51:56,165 --> 00:51:59,418
Oh, man.
This is not good."
1226
00:51:59,501 --> 00:52:01,378
They think
this is something else.
1227
00:52:06,383 --> 00:52:09,762
I am now embarrassed
off my ass.
1228
00:52:10,888 --> 00:52:14,224
I want this whole thing
to be over, you know?
1229
00:52:14,308 --> 00:52:17,144
I'm not having a good time.
1230
00:52:17,227 --> 00:52:19,605
So I just keep going.
1231
00:52:21,899 --> 00:52:22,983
And then I realized something.
1232
00:52:23,067 --> 00:52:25,694
I realized something, man,
1233
00:52:25,778 --> 00:52:27,488
and, I think, um,
we all have a moment
1234
00:52:27,571 --> 00:52:30,491
as an adult
that... that... that changed you.
1235
00:52:30,574 --> 00:52:32,159
This was this moment for me
as an adult.
1236
00:52:32,242 --> 00:52:34,828
This changed me
'cause I realized that they
1237
00:52:34,912 --> 00:52:36,705
were not cheering for me.
1238
00:52:36,789 --> 00:52:39,458
They were cheering
for a gentleman in front of me.
1239
00:52:39,541 --> 00:52:42,670
And, um... I get goosebumps
to this day telling this story
1240
00:52:42,753 --> 00:52:44,880
because, uh, I didn't know
what condition he had,
1241
00:52:44,964 --> 00:52:46,507
but he had a condition.
I'm no doctor.
1242
00:52:46,590 --> 00:52:48,634
I don't know what that was,
but it was very beautiful
1243
00:52:48,717 --> 00:52:51,178
'cause I don't care who you are,
you cannot wake up one day
1244
00:52:51,261 --> 00:52:52,721
and say,
"I'm running a marathon."
1245
00:52:52,805 --> 00:52:55,140
You have to train at least
incorrectly, like I did
1246
00:52:55,224 --> 00:52:58,185
you know?
1247
00:52:58,268 --> 00:53:01,188
And I'm looking at him
and he's, like, going for it.
1248
00:53:01,271 --> 00:53:04,441
Like, no one's cheering for him.
Well, they were, you know?
1249
00:53:06,151 --> 00:53:08,988
But it was so cool 'cause he
wasn't trying to impress nobody.
1250
00:53:09,071 --> 00:53:10,030
He was trying
to impress himself.
1251
00:53:10,114 --> 00:53:13,701
And here I was trying to impress
my dad, you know?
1252
00:53:13,784 --> 00:53:16,495
And this is how I know
I'm not a good person.
1253
00:53:16,578 --> 00:53:20,374
'Cause my second thought was,
"How the hell
1254
00:53:20,457 --> 00:53:24,336
is he in front of me?"
1255
00:53:24,420 --> 00:53:27,047
So I had one more packet of goo.
I took the hit.
1256
00:53:27,131 --> 00:53:29,258
I said, "Let's do it, bro."
1257
00:53:31,301 --> 00:53:35,222
And I'm going.
I can't catch up, man.
1258
00:53:35,305 --> 00:53:37,224
I'm trying so hard to catch up.
I cannot.
1259
00:53:37,307 --> 00:53:39,184
I get close,
but I don't catch up.
1260
00:53:39,268 --> 00:53:41,687
- And I'm going and I'm going.
- And I-I...
1261
00:53:41,770 --> 00:53:44,398
you know, he looks at me,
I look at him.
1262
00:53:46,358 --> 00:53:48,402
And I say, "Hey, can I
just talk to you for a minute?"
1263
00:53:48,485 --> 00:53:50,404
He's all, "What's up?"
I'm like,
1264
00:53:50,487 --> 00:53:51,405
"Hey, you're impressive, man,
I've been behind you
1265
00:53:51,488 --> 00:53:55,034
for a while now apparently
and, um...
1266
00:53:55,117 --> 00:53:57,494
You're really good, man."
1267
00:53:57,578 --> 00:53:58,912
He's like,
"Yeah, did you train?"
1268
00:53:58,996 --> 00:54:00,873
I said, "I did. Three miles."
And he laughed.
1269
00:54:00,956 --> 00:54:03,042
I'm like, "Oh, screw you, man.
All right...
1270
00:54:03,125 --> 00:54:04,585
you can lead, bro."
1271
00:54:04,668 --> 00:54:05,878
And then I realized
something as well.
1272
00:54:05,961 --> 00:54:10,049
That when you run a marathon
and you cross the finish line,
1273
00:54:10,132 --> 00:54:12,051
they take a picture.
1274
00:54:12,134 --> 00:54:15,429
I'm like, "Man, I can't have
this dude anywhere near me."
1275
00:54:18,140 --> 00:54:20,059
Not that I care.
I don't care.
1276
00:54:20,142 --> 00:54:21,268
I think it's really impressive,
but I just won't be able
1277
00:54:21,351 --> 00:54:24,396
to explain this to my father.
1278
00:54:26,774 --> 00:54:29,735
So I go and I'm going
and I'm going.
1279
00:54:29,818 --> 00:54:31,612
I cross the finish line.
1280
00:54:31,695 --> 00:54:32,988
Race is done.
1281
00:54:33,072 --> 00:54:35,407
Twenty six-point-two miles.
Five hours, forty four minutes,
1282
00:54:35,491 --> 00:54:37,451
thirty nine seconds.
Freaking done.
1283
00:54:37,534 --> 00:54:40,454
Biggest accomplishment
of my life, man.
1284
00:54:40,537 --> 00:54:43,040
Oh, thank you.
1285
00:54:43,123 --> 00:54:47,336
So great.
So, I sit down and I'm like...
1286
00:54:47,419 --> 00:54:49,546
I'm tired of course.
I'm in a lot of pain,
1287
00:54:49,630 --> 00:54:51,548
but I start getting really cold
and I don't know why.
1288
00:54:51,632 --> 00:54:52,299
I start shaking, you know?
1289
00:54:52,382 --> 00:54:55,093
And then, uh...
I know this now,
1290
00:54:55,177 --> 00:54:56,720
that if you've been moving
for so long
1291
00:54:56,804 --> 00:55:00,182
and then you stop,
you can catch hypothermia.
1292
00:55:00,265 --> 00:55:02,935
So, I was like potentially
catching hypothermia.
1293
00:55:03,018 --> 00:55:04,561
I'm so cold.
So, a lady runs over
1294
00:55:04,645 --> 00:55:06,480
with, like, an aluminum blanket.
She has a yellow shirt.
1295
00:55:06,563 --> 00:55:08,607
It says "Staff."
And, uh, she wraps me up
1296
00:55:08,690 --> 00:55:11,276
in this thing
and I think it's a bad prank,
1297
00:55:11,360 --> 00:55:13,487
you know?
1298
00:55:13,570 --> 00:55:15,489
Wrap the Mexican guy
in aluminum foil?
1299
00:55:15,572 --> 00:55:16,657
Good.
1300
00:55:16,740 --> 00:55:21,036
I'm just there shaking
like, "Oh, no. All right."
1301
00:55:21,119 --> 00:55:24,331
And, um, she leaves,
but then the woman comes over
1302
00:55:24,414 --> 00:55:28,293
and, uh, she... she's from
the marathon.
1303
00:55:28,377 --> 00:55:30,170
"Staff" shirt
and she's like, "Hey, baby.
1304
00:55:30,254 --> 00:55:32,506
Congratulations."
She's like, "You finished
1305
00:55:32,589 --> 00:55:35,676
the L. A. Marathon.
The 33rd annual L. A. Marathon."
1306
00:55:35,759 --> 00:55:37,219
I said, "Awesome.
Thank you."
1307
00:55:37,302 --> 00:55:40,097
She's like, "Look,
I have something for you."
1308
00:55:40,180 --> 00:55:41,849
She puts the medal on.
I feel the weight of it.
1309
00:55:41,932 --> 00:55:43,851
I'm a mess.
I'm crying, you know?
1310
00:55:43,934 --> 00:55:45,519
She's like, "Congratulations."
She's like, "You finished in
1311
00:55:45,602 --> 00:55:48,981
under six hours
so that means everyone
1312
00:55:49,064 --> 00:55:51,233
from first place
all the way to...
1313
00:55:51,316 --> 00:55:53,026
I don't know
what place you got."
1314
00:55:53,110 --> 00:55:55,195
I'm like, "Ah, don't say it like
that, you know what I'm saying?"
1315
00:55:55,279 --> 00:55:56,822
She's all,
"But you get the medal.
1316
00:55:56,905 --> 00:55:58,407
I said, "Thank you so much."
She's like, "Congratulations.
1317
00:55:58,490 --> 00:55:59,867
We'll see you next year."
1318
00:55:59,950 --> 00:56:01,618
I'm like,
"No, you will never see me.
1319
00:56:02,286 --> 00:56:05,372
I don't like it here."
1320
00:56:08,417 --> 00:56:09,877
And then she's like, "Oh,
before I forget.
1321
00:56:09,960 --> 00:56:11,044
This is yours."
And so she goes over
1322
00:56:11,128 --> 00:56:15,007
and hands me this, like,
cardboard folder thing, right?
1323
00:56:15,090 --> 00:56:16,091
And then she leaves.
I'm like, "Oh, thank you."
1324
00:56:16,174 --> 00:56:18,594
And I unwrap my aluminum foil
costume, you know?
1325
00:56:18,677 --> 00:56:22,556
And I open it and it's a picture
of the marathon.
1326
00:56:22,639 --> 00:56:24,516
Me crossing the finish line.
I'm like, "Wow.
1327
00:56:24,600 --> 00:56:28,145
I can... Fuck!
He's right there!
1328
00:56:31,315 --> 00:56:35,527
Damn it!
Now what, man?!"
1329
00:56:35,611 --> 00:56:39,364
I'm tired! I'm tired.
I wanna go home, you know?
1330
00:56:39,448 --> 00:56:41,783
And, uh, so I gotta take
a Uber from Santa Monica
1331
00:56:41,867 --> 00:56:44,202
all the way to Long Beach
and, um...
1332
00:56:44,286 --> 00:56:48,332
so I take the Uber, but the
whole way that I'm headed home
1333
00:56:48,415 --> 00:56:50,417
I'm, like, praying that
my father isn't home.
1334
00:56:50,500 --> 00:56:53,253
'Cause... Look, tough love.
It's fine, but, like...
1335
00:56:53,337 --> 00:56:56,590
like, I just imagine, like,
my dad is like that kinda guy.
1336
00:56:56,673 --> 00:56:57,883
If he was to walk in on me
about to commit suicide
1337
00:56:57,966 --> 00:57:00,719
with a gun in my mouth,
first thing he would say,
1338
00:57:00,802 --> 00:57:02,596
"Hey, put some plastic up
or some shit, man.
1339
00:57:02,679 --> 00:57:06,350
You're gonna make
a big fucking mess here!
1340
00:57:06,433 --> 00:57:08,185
Look, I don't wanna lose my son
and the deposit.
1341
00:57:08,268 --> 00:57:11,104
That's not good."
1342
00:57:14,942 --> 00:57:17,152
So that's what
I gotta go home to.
1343
00:57:17,235 --> 00:57:21,448
So I get home and I just wanna
beeline to my room and lay down.
1344
00:57:21,531 --> 00:57:23,283
So I open the door.
My dad's watching the game.
1345
00:57:23,367 --> 00:57:25,702
I'm just like, going over.
1346
00:57:25,786 --> 00:57:28,538
He goes, "Jesus!"
I'm like, "Ah, shit."
1347
00:57:28,622 --> 00:57:30,707
I'm like, "Hey. What's up?"
1348
00:57:30,791 --> 00:57:33,085
He's all,
"Why you look like that?"
1349
00:57:36,338 --> 00:57:37,464
"What are you talking about?"
1350
00:57:37,547 --> 00:57:39,174
He's like,
"You look like that."
1351
00:57:39,257 --> 00:57:40,634
He's all, "Don't tell me.
Don't tell me."
1352
00:57:40,717 --> 00:57:41,718
He's all, "You finally
got a real man job?
1353
00:57:41,802 --> 00:57:45,514
A real man job, um,
you know, where your pants
1354
00:57:45,597 --> 00:57:48,392
can rip working and stuff?"
1355
00:57:48,475 --> 00:57:50,769
Like, "No, I still tell jokes,
but I ran the marathon, Dad."
1356
00:57:50,852 --> 00:57:53,939
He's all, "Oh, that's cute."
1357
00:57:54,022 --> 00:57:55,607
I'm like, "What do you mean?
'That's cute'?"
1358
00:57:55,691 --> 00:57:57,234
He's like,
"Yeah, that's nothing, man."
1359
00:57:57,317 --> 00:57:58,819
He's all,
"How many miles is that?"
1360
00:57:58,902 --> 00:58:02,155
I'm like, "26.2."
He's all, "That's cute."
1361
00:58:02,239 --> 00:58:05,492
I'm like, "What are you
talking about, Dad?"
1362
00:58:05,575 --> 00:58:06,785
He's like,
"Look, man, have a seat.
1363
00:58:06,868 --> 00:58:08,620
I wanna talk to you, man."
1364
00:58:08,704 --> 00:58:11,498
He's all, "When I ran
100 miles over the border..."
1365
00:58:13,709 --> 00:58:16,628
He's all, "Nobody gave me
Gatorade I want you to know."
1366
00:58:19,715 --> 00:58:21,383
How can
I compete with that line?
1367
00:58:21,466 --> 00:58:23,260
"When I ran 100 miles..."
I'm like, " I'm done.
1368
00:58:23,343 --> 00:58:24,553
Here."
1369
00:58:24,636 --> 00:58:27,222
He's all,
"Nobody gave me nothing.
1370
00:58:27,305 --> 00:58:28,765
I just have a trophy
I gave to myself
1371
00:58:28,849 --> 00:58:30,976
when I 'lacrosse' the border.
1372
00:58:39,317 --> 00:58:41,987
He's like, "I gave that
to myself because I did that."
1373
00:58:42,070 --> 00:58:44,364
He's all, "That's the problem
with your generation.
1374
00:58:44,448 --> 00:58:45,532
Again..." He's like, "That's
a problem with you Millennials.
1375
00:58:45,615 --> 00:58:47,367
Man, you do stuff
to impress people.
1376
00:58:47,451 --> 00:58:48,869
You want people to like you
1377
00:58:48,952 --> 00:58:52,372
and you upload the pictures
on Instaface."
1378
00:58:54,207 --> 00:58:55,042
I'm like, "I don't have
that one yet,
1379
00:58:55,125 --> 00:58:58,420
but I'll be sure to sign up,"
you know?
1380
00:58:58,503 --> 00:59:00,213
He's all, "You want people
to like you, man."
1381
00:59:00,297 --> 00:59:02,507
He's like, "You know why I ran
100 miles over the border?
1382
00:59:02,591 --> 00:59:03,550
'Cause I have responsibilities."
1383
00:59:03,633 --> 00:59:05,886
He's all,
"You know what that is?"
1384
00:59:05,969 --> 00:59:08,722
I'm like, "I think so.
I don't know..."
1385
00:59:08,805 --> 00:59:11,058
He's all,
"I had responsibilities, man.
1386
00:59:11,141 --> 00:59:13,727
I had a wife, I had kids.
1387
00:59:13,810 --> 00:59:14,561
I had a side chick and a kid."
1388
00:59:14,644 --> 00:59:17,355
I'm like,
"Get the hell outta here.
1389
00:59:17,439 --> 00:59:18,732
You had a side chick
1390
00:59:18,815 --> 00:59:20,358
and a kid?"
He's all, "Bro, that's you.
1391
00:59:20,442 --> 00:59:22,235
You know that, right?"
I'm like, "Oh..."
1392
00:59:23,070 --> 00:59:26,406
All right.
1393
00:59:26,490 --> 00:59:28,241
Is that why you always
had two jobs?"
1394
00:59:28,325 --> 00:59:31,328
"Two families,
that's right."
1395
00:59:31,411 --> 00:59:32,579
Like, "Oh, man."
He's all, "So now you tell me
1396
00:59:32,662 --> 00:59:36,541
why you ran the marathon."
1397
00:59:36,625 --> 00:59:39,336
I'm like, "Oh, man,
I did it to impress you
1398
00:59:39,419 --> 00:59:42,172
and, uh, to get,
uh, free Vaseline.
1399
00:59:42,255 --> 00:59:44,091
I don't know.
1400
00:59:44,174 --> 00:59:46,885
A medal
with our last name on it."
1401
00:59:46,968 --> 00:59:51,723
He's all, "Oh, I see that.
That's pretty cool, man."
1402
00:59:51,807 --> 00:59:53,934
And this is the part
where I almost got disowned.
1403
00:59:54,017 --> 00:59:56,770
He looks at me and he goes,
"Did you pay to run?"
1404
00:59:56,853 --> 01:00:00,857
I'm like, "
1405
01:00:00,941 --> 01:00:02,734
Yeah."
1406
01:00:02,818 --> 01:00:03,777
He's all,
"How much did you pay?"
1407
01:00:03,860 --> 01:00:07,280
I'm like, "$150 dollars."
He's all, "$150 dollars!
1408
01:00:07,364 --> 01:00:09,491
You're stupid, right?"
1409
01:00:09,574 --> 01:00:12,285
He's all, "You couldn't run
on the sidewalk for free
1410
01:00:12,369 --> 01:00:13,120
following everybody?"
1411
01:00:13,203 --> 01:00:15,705
I'm like, "Oh, man.
1412
01:00:15,789 --> 01:00:19,084
I didn't even think about that."
1413
01:00:23,588 --> 01:00:27,217
And I'm just there feeling bad
for myself, you know?
1414
01:00:27,300 --> 01:00:29,386
Bad, but proud, you know?
1415
01:00:29,469 --> 01:00:30,887
It's like, "I did it."
You know?
1416
01:00:30,971 --> 01:00:33,640
And then my dad goes,
"What's that in your hand?"
1417
01:00:33,723 --> 01:00:37,269
I'm like, "Oh, nothing."
1418
01:00:37,352 --> 01:00:39,604
He's all, "What is it?"
I'm like, "Oh, nothing."
1419
01:00:39,688 --> 01:00:40,647
"Tell me."
I'm like, "It's a picture."
1420
01:00:40,730 --> 01:00:43,275
He's all,
"I would love to see that."
1421
01:00:45,026 --> 01:00:46,570
"I don't wanna show you, Dad."
1422
01:00:46,653 --> 01:00:49,823
"I really wanna see it now."
1423
01:00:49,906 --> 01:00:52,659
Now, I don't have the energy
to run from my father
1424
01:00:52,742 --> 01:00:55,162
or rip the picture.
1425
01:00:55,245 --> 01:00:57,289
He just goes over there
just takes it from me.
1426
01:00:57,372 --> 01:00:58,999
Just... shht!
"Give me that."
1427
01:00:59,082 --> 01:01:01,334
And he takes the picture,
goes to the dinner table,
1428
01:01:01,418 --> 01:01:03,003
sets it down,
opens it up.
1429
01:01:03,086 --> 01:01:04,880
He puts on his little
Walgreens glasses
1430
01:01:04,963 --> 01:01:06,339
that come in the...
1431
01:01:06,423 --> 01:01:09,217
He puts on those glasses
that come in the tube, you know?
1432
01:01:09,301 --> 01:01:11,595
Sit right here like Santa Claus,
you know?
1433
01:01:12,929 --> 01:01:14,014
Like, to this day I feel like
my dad doesn't,
1434
01:01:14,097 --> 01:01:17,100
like, need glasses.
He always looks over 'em
1435
01:01:17,184 --> 01:01:18,810
like this, you know?
1436
01:01:23,273 --> 01:01:24,357
"You don't know what
prescription you are."
1437
01:01:24,441 --> 01:01:27,444
"No, I don't know."
1438
01:01:27,527 --> 01:01:31,072
He probably had 20/20
this whole time.
1439
01:01:31,156 --> 01:01:32,032
Puts the picture down.
He opens it
1440
01:01:32,115 --> 01:01:34,951
and he just looks
at the picture, you know?
1441
01:01:48,548 --> 01:01:50,175
"Who the fuck is this guy?"
1442
01:01:52,677 --> 01:01:54,763
So now I gotta go over there
and look, you know?
1443
01:01:54,846 --> 01:01:56,890
It's like,
and I look.
1444
01:01:56,973 --> 01:01:58,058
I'm like, "Dad, that's me."
He's like, "I know that's you.
1445
01:01:58,141 --> 01:02:00,727
Look at the guy next to you.
He's making fun of you.
1446
01:02:00,810 --> 01:02:02,562
What the hell's going on here?"
1447
01:02:04,522 --> 01:02:06,066
I'm like, "Oh, man."
1448
01:02:06,149 --> 01:02:08,818
He's all, "Don't embarrass me
like that no more."
1449
01:02:08,902 --> 01:02:12,030
My last name's on your bib,
man.
1450
01:02:12,113 --> 01:02:13,698
He's all,
"Don't do athletic things.
1451
01:02:13,782 --> 01:02:14,741
Can you just be
a stay-at-home son?
1452
01:02:14,824 --> 01:02:16,201
Can you do that?"
I'm like, "Yeah.
1453
01:02:16,284 --> 01:02:17,369
Hell yeah, I can do that."
1454
01:02:20,830 --> 01:02:22,540
My name's Jesus Trejo.
That's my time.
1455
01:02:22,624 --> 01:02:23,750
Thank you, guys, so much!
1456
01:02:46,519 --> 01:02:51,519
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1456
01:02:52,305 --> 01:03:52,170
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