All language subtitles for Maybe.Its.You.2023.1080p.WEBRip.DD5.1.x24

Okay.

I can't imagine spending
my life with anyone else.

You are the most beautiful,
sweet, kind-hearted person

I've ever met, and you make me
happier than I have ever been.

If you give me the chance,
I would love to spend

the rest of my life trying to
make you feel the same way.

Will... you marry me?

Oh, you're done?

- Yep.
- No, it was good. It was good.

- A little generic, but good.
- Generic?

Come on, that was
some top-tier shit.

It was shit, I'm
not arguing that.

Okay, and I'm going
to beat you to death.

Even your death threats
have gotten generic.

I'm not done yet, I'm
gonna kill you, chop you up

in little pieces and
throw you in a river.

Well, if it were me, I
would grind up your guts,

turn you into an aged
sausage, then feed you

to people I don't like
at dinner parties.

Two birds, one
stone, I like that.

- Thank you.
- I would-I would bleed you out.

And use your skin as a coat.

Oh, that doesn't
sound very warm.

- On a fall day with a cardigan?
- See, that's poetic.

Why don't you use
that in your proposal?

No, no, Taylor, I don't
think she'll go for that.

Well, if she doesn't
respond favorably

to the idea of you wearing
her skin on a fall day,

then I don't think
she's the girl for you.

She is, and you're
gonna meet her.

- And you're gonna love her.
- Mm, yeah.

I don't know about
that. You haven't had

great taste in
women since college.

Plus, if she's so great,
then why have you been

hiding her from me for the last
two times I've been out here?

I didn't want you
to scare her away.

Oh, by the way, I know
you like to snoop around,

I put all the good stuff
in the top sock drawer.

Thank you. Are
you sure it's cool

if I crash with you for so long?

I can always get an Airbnb.

Uh, I can't really
afford that, but...

Stop. You're always welcome,
okay? Breakup or not.

- Thank you. I appreciate it.
- Of course, dude.

Now, get out of my
car. I have to go.

- Okay.
- Oh, by the way.

Do you mind showering
before dinner

because you kinda smell
like an airplane toilet.

Thank you for noticing. You
know, this car makes you

look like a child molester,
in case you're wondering

why the cops are
knocking at your door.

- Okay.
- Awesome. Have a great day.

- Thank you do much. You too.
- Yep, have a good day at work.

- Thank you. Oh, your key.
- Oh, God, thanks.

- Bye, honey! Bye, sweetheart!
- Okay, bye! Bye, honey!

Half past the hour

on this snowy Chicago morning.

Here's some Aaron Espe
that'll weather the storm.

♪ I leave all the windows open ♪

♪ Let the light come through

♪ Sunshine warm and golden

♪ Morning making
all things new ♪

♪ Home where my heart is

♪ Home where my love lives

♪ Home my beginning and end

♪ Home

♪ Look at all the colors

♪ Wild wonderful and true

♪ Your breath light
as a feather ♪

♪ Like little
whispers in the room ♪

♪ Home where my heart is

♪ Home where my love lives

♪ Home my beginning and end

♪ Home

♪ Home where my heart is

♪ Home where my love lives

♪ Home my beginning...

Carl, what's up, dude?

- Hey!
- Oh, hi!

Funny seeing you here.

Actually, that's perfect because
I came back up to give you this.

You left it at my
place last night.

- What would I do without you?
- Get fired, I think.

- I can adapt.
- You're too old to adapt.

- That's true.
- Yeah, okay. I am late.

And my Stevens meeting
got moved uptown,

so I won't have time to
get the dry cleaning.

I got it. This elevator's
taking forever.

- The button. Right.
- Yeah.

- What would you do without me?
- See you tonight?

- 7:30. Thank you. I love you.
- I love you.

I don't think it went.

Okay. I'm buying a pretzel.

Hey, we're about to eat dinner.

You keep saying that
and I'm still starving.

I told you not to
smoke all of that.

You also said this bitch was

going to be here
twenty minutes ago.

Hey, you need to chill.
Taylor has a thing about pot,

and I want her to like
you, so please just...

- Here she comes. Here she comes.
- Hi!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. My,
my cab driver hit a pigeon

and he was inconsolable,
and I felt terrible

leaving him and it
was this whole thing.

Ah! Hey!

Do you think that
pigeon's up for grabs?

Uh, Taylor, Lexa. Lexa, Taylor.

- You're Lexa?
- Yes. Right? Yeah.

- Nice to meet you.
- Okay, let's eat.

Uh, yeah, yeah, we know a great
Italian bistro a few blocks out.

- What about this place?
- My place has great focaccia.

This place has a buffet.

Oh, it also has a,
a D health rating.

I've never even seen
a D before.

Don't.

Well, did you know that
there's enough alcohol

in one cocktail to kill
most food-borne illnesses?

That doesn't sound like science.

Come on. Hole In The
Walls have the best food.

Back me up on this, Pistol Pete.

- Okay, smell it.
- Yes, it's got nectar in it.

Passion fruit and
nectar. Do you smell it?

Yeah, but I also got
my lipstick on you.

- You guys are cute.
- Oh, thank you.

It's really sweet.
Uh, so what about you?

Peter tells me that you were
dating someone back in New York.

Luke. Yeah, I was. Past tense.

- Oh!
- No, it's fine.

I broke up with him actually.

Um, he had these
really big teeth.

It was like making
out with a Steinway.

I used to be like that, I
used to end things with guys

over the littlest things,
like they're going bald,

or they like ironic mugs, or
they have two first names.

And then she found me,
the perfect male specimen.

No. I, um, realized I
didn't want to be alone.

Ah, see, I just love the
idea of ending up alone.

Wait. You're
saying you settled?

No, bear, I didn't
mean it like that.

Kinda sounded like
it, but it's okay,

you're way out of my
league, it's all good.

So, so what about now? A-are you
trying to get back out there?

No, no, no, no, not quite.
Um, I'm just focusing on

launching this app
I've been designing.

Yeah. It's great. I can't

believe no one's thought
about this, tell her.

- No, it's not a big deal.
- Dude, come on.

Okay, um, so, it's helps you
find the closest dive bar.

So you know, like, when
you're out with your friends

and you're like, "Oh,
we don't wanna go home,

but where do we go?" That's
where my app comes in.

Oh, isn't that a
feature on Google Maps?

Yeah, but mine has, um,
pictures and reviews.

Oh, Yelp?

It-it might not work, but, um...

Honestly, I'm just trying to
finish something for once.

I have this really
bad habit of starting

things and then dropping them.

Ugh! I'm like that
with knitting.

You know, I can't tell
you the number of sweaters

that end up as scarves.

Are you guys ready to order
or do you need a minute?

Thank God! No,
no, no, I'm ready.

I'm gonna do the-the,
the spaghetti,

and the chicken marsala,
and the bruschetta.

Um, and more of this bread.

- Please.
- Oh, wow!

- Woof!
- Thanks.

Uh, yeah, we're
gonna share the Caesar salad,

and then, uh, the-the
veal par-ma-ji-yana.

Peter doesn't eat veal.

- Yeah, I do.
- He does.

What? Don't you remember that
video that we watched in college

about veal farming,
you had a panic attack.

You joined the
animal rights club.

- No, I didn't.
- You were dating that girl Pond.

- Her name was Lake.
- You ate hemp meat.

That was, like, no, that
was a long time ago.

Yeah. You went through a really
long phase with the hemp meat.

- Long time ago.
- It was a long time ago.

- No...
- Long time ago...

All right, sorry.
The-the first time I-I

cooked for you, I
made veal meatballs.

Yeah, that was.. They
were-they were delicious.

You cried. You cried and
you said that it was,

um, because you were
in love with me.

- It was mostly because of that.
- Because of the veal?

It was not because of the veal.

Honey, those cows are put in
little tiny cages with no light.

Peter, it's not about
the cows. You lied to me.

I know. I love you.
I'm sorry I lied

'cause I love you, I didn't
wanna hurt your feelings.

I've made you veal like a
hundred times since then.

I know.

- Are you laughing at me?
- No, I'm laughing at him.

Um, that's so, like, Peter to

reinvent himself for the
girlfriend of the week.

Wow!

She's not the girlfriend
of the week, Lexa. Come on.

Oh, no. Sorry. I
didn't mean it like...

- It's fine.
- No, seriously.

Don't be mad at him.
Don't be mad at him.

He's perfect. Be mad at me.

- I'm the idiot. I'm stoned.
- Oh.

- She's not stoned. No, you're...
- Yes, I am.

Remember you gave me
that dry bag of weed?

Not stoned, you're not stoned.

- Yeah, it's just really funny.
- No, I'm sorry.

- Honey.
- I had a cough and itching.

No, no, hold me hand. Hold
me hand. Hold me hand.

I'm from Ireland.
Come on, hold my hand.

Lexa's great.

I didn't realize you
guys were so close.

Are we having a fight?

I don't know.
Should we be having a fight?

- Well, about what?
- I don't know.

You tell me. What are
we fighting about?

- Nothing?
- Okay.

Then we're not fighting.

Okay. I'm sorry that I
lied about the veal thing.

I know. But you
don't lie to her.

Well, it's because it's
impossible to hurt her feelings.

Her heart is buried behind

a Shawshank level
security system.

He famously escapes
in that movie.

I'm sorry that I lied. I just,

I hate being the person
to hurt your feelings.

I get why you did it. I just...

I'd rather you be honest
than spare my feelings.

- I'm sorry. I won't lie anymore.
- There's a window of amnesty.

Wanna get anything
off your chest?

- I hate your mom.
- Are you serious?

I have said that she's been a
nightmare for years and years,

and you always defend her.

- That's really weird.
- I know. I mean...

If she had a really hard
childhood, I would understand...

No, she doesn't.
There's like no reason.

She didn't come from a
broken home. She doesn't have

a weird uncle, she
just hates waiters

and puppies and Keanu
Reeves which is...

- I love Keanu Reeves.
- I know you do.

- You really love Keanu Reeves.
- Yeah, I love Keanu Reeves.

Yeah.

- Whoa! Sheryl doesn't.
- Yeah.

Yeah, she thinks he's
too good-looking,

which is like, "What, why?"

I can't unpack your
mom's sexual repression.

- That's a bridge too far.
- I know.

- Yeah.
- Anything else?

- No.
- Because the window's closing.

- That's all I got.
- Okay.

- That's it? Love you.
- I love you.

Wait, wait, wait, I actually
can't have sex with you

'cause I'm thinking
about your mom now.

That's weird. I'm
thinking about your dad.

But I'm, like,
I'm kinda into it.

- Okay. Wait.
- Okay.

- Okay. Wait. All right.
- Okay.

You're kidding now,
right? About my dad.

No.

Want to watch something?

I'm working and
not talking to you

because you were such
a dick at dinner.

Seriously?

You called my girlfriend,
who I'm proposing to,

a girl of the
week, like, really?

Not my finest moment, I'll admit
to that. I'm sorry, really.

You need to apologize
to her tomorrow.

Done. Totally. Got it.

- Dick.
- You love me.

Both can be true.
You're like my annoying

Chihuahua that pees on
the rug and eats my socks.

Well, I also fit in the purse
and love Taco Bell. Arf!

What's on?

E! network's movies
be all about love.

Sweet!

Oh, sorry, did I wake you?

I'm late. I'm late. I'm late!
I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine.

- You okay?
- Son of a mother!

- Morning! Yeah, there you go.
- Hi, there!

You look like you just
dropped out of an ad

for a well-balanced breakfast.

I mean, thank you.

Hey, sorry about
dinner last night.

Yeah, you know, Peter's
talked about you

since we started dating, you're
just not what I expected.

It's hard to capture

the magnitude of my
greatness in words.

Yeah, exactly. Don't get me
wrong, he sang your praises.

Talked about how funny
and smart you are.

What's happening? Are
you trying to smash?

No, no. I'm just
trying to understand

why the two of you
never got together.

- Me and Peter? No. Never.
- Mm-hmm.

I mean, maybe if the
circumstances were different,

but... no, the timing
was never right.

So it was just the, the
timing that stopped you two?

You're asking an
impossible question.

Well, haven't you
ever wondered, like...

I wonder about all
my life choices.

You're avoiding the question.

- It's an insane question.
- Maybe.

Well, um, this was
helpful. Thank you.

You're welcome.
Thank you for this.

- Mm-hmm.
- Mmm.

She was trying to smash.

- This place is really nice.
- Yeah, do you like it?

Can I get you started
with some drinks?

- Yes, um, champagne?
- Uh, I'll get a vodka soda.

Oh, come on, live a little.

Okay, I'll get a vodka, no soda.

She'll get a champagne
and vodka soda.

- I-I don't want champagne.
- We'll get the champagne.

I'm not sure what to do here...

Just bring, uh, two
champagnes, vodka soda,

and I'll just drink it
if you don't want it.

- You drove.
- Yeah, we can Uber.

Pick up the car
tomorrow. It's fine.

- You're acting deranged.
- Yeah, I feel deranged.

- So, yeah, no, I'm good though.
- Okay.

- Do I seem weird?
- Yeah, a little bit.

- No, I'm feeling good.
- Yeah, oh, wow!

That was really fast,
um...

- Good. Thank you. Perfect.
- You're welcome.

- Thank you so much. Yeah.
- You're welcome.

Honey, are you
okay? Are you okay?

There it is. I was
looking for it.

Um, okay, that was supposed
to be in the champagne,

but it came outta your mouth.

Um, it was supposed to
be in the champagne.

Oh, my God!

- Taylor...
- What?

Taylor, I know we've only
been together for three years,

but I feel like I've
known you my whole life.

My mornings don't start until
I'm waking up next to you

and they don't end until
you're laying in bed with me.

Oh God!

I just, I can't
believe I found you.

I would love to spend the
rest of my life with you.

So Taylor Bethesda Hamelin,

will you marry me?

I... I...
- Are you crying?

- Yeah. Yes, I...
- Yes? Yes? She said yes!

- No. No!
- Thank you.

- No!
- No.

Yes, thank you,
that's very talented

but we don't need music
right now, thank you.

You can all get back to
your dinner. Thank you.

Can you just get up?

Wait. I think I'm
having a panic attack.

- Hey, I do love you...
- Wait, wait. I can't breathe.

- Okay. Honey.
- I can't see.

- Just stop for a second?
- I'm having a pa-panic attack.

- I, I do love you...
- I am having a panic attack.

Hey, can you stop?

Okay, yep.

Peter, I love you more than
I can express in words,

but something about this
doesn't feel right...

You-you-you're not you're ready.

Well, what do you want
me to do to prove to you

that I am ready, like,
would you like me

to tattoo your name on my ass?

The fact that you'd
even suggest that

proves my point,
you're immature.

I thought you liked
that about me.

I like that you're
spontaneous and fun

and you get me out
of my own head.

But-but when I saw
you and Lexa together,

i-it proved to me that
it's more than that.

- You're-you're a child.
- Okay.

Well, let me be your
child bride then.

- My what? No! No!
- Like, I'll be your child bride.

I think there's just, like,
part of you i-i-is stuck in

your past, stuck in whatever
you and Lexa share together.

And until you put that behind
you, I can't be with you.

I don't understand why
you keep bringing up Lexa.

I just don't want you to wake
up in five years and realize

you married the wrong person.

It's not gonna happen, Taylor.

- Taylor?
- I'm really sorry, Peter.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

She was kidding.

She'll come back.

Peter?

Where's Taylor? I
thought you guys were

staying at The Drake tonight.

Peter?

- Do you wanna talk about it?
- No!

There's booze here.

I'll tell you what,
I'll start drinking,

in honor of you and
these tough times,

and if you wanna join me,
you're more than welcome to.

Okay. I'm drinking alone
now. But it's in solidarity.

We're gonna get through
this together, you, me,

and this bottle of vodka.

Okay. Enough, Peter.

It's been days.

If you don't open this door,
I'm gonna break it down.

I'm gonna have the fire
department break it down.

It's open.

Okay. I'm here to help.

I didn't know what stage
of grief you would be in,

so I brought choices.

So we have low fat ice
cream and romantic comedies.

Pizza pockets and
kung fu movies.

Or whiskey and porn.

Okay, we'll start with
Sleepless in Seattle

and end with When
Harry bones Sally.

- Just give me a second.
- Okay.

- Okay, I'm ready.
- Here we go.

- Starting with a rom-com.
- I don't like it.

- This is your medicine.
- Uh!

Um, yum yum. Oooh!

I hate everyone in
the world except you.

Oh, yeah. Time for
Shaolin Soccer.

Yaah!

But I think they're
making dumplings

and then they're
soccer involved.

Open mouth and eat pizza.

This is gonna be
the sexiest time

that we've ever had right now.

- Oh, shit!
- Oh, my God! What the...

Look, keep looking at it.

I thought we were gonna spend
the rest of my life together.

And then it turned
out that I'm not now.

I just don't know
what to do anymore.

Emilio Estevez was our waiter
last night at Red Lobster.

- There's no way it was him.
- Oh! It was. Well...

You and me, tomorrow night,
Red Lobster, Emilio Estevez.

I'm not going to Red
Lobster with you.

Because I got better things
to do than stalk somebody

who probably doesn't even
resemble Emilio Estevez.

And also I don't want to get
banned at another Red Lobster.

What did you do?

- I don't wanna talk about it.
- I'd love you to talk about it.

Then fine, let's just say,
I realized you can actually

get seasick from just
eating from a shellfish.

Like, I-I-I knew it was a thing,
but I never realized, like,

you could, just don't mix
oysters, lobsters, shrimps,

and crabs all in one go.

- Oh, God!
- You look like shit.

Taylor left me.

- I proposed and she left.
- Yeah, I know.

Everyone at the office
heard you bathroom crying.

- Thank you.
- I don't know what to do, Doug.

I tried emailing,
calling, texting.

She's ignoring me at the office.

I even sent her an Edible
Arrangement and then an EpiPen

'cause she's allergic to
pineapples and I didn't want

to give her the wrong idea.

Hey! What can I do to help?

I don't know, man. How do
I stop feeling like this?

Oh, easy. Death is
the most immediate

option but second to that,
start dating someone else.

It's only been a week.

I know, but to get
over one person,

you got to get under another.

Sorry, I've been watching
a lot of Sex and the City.

I'm a Samantha.

What am I going to do?

Have you ever tried
online dating?

Yeah, I'm awful at it. My bios

are super awkward and
I'm bad at dick pics.

Dude, you need a ring
light and a low angle.

It's a good shot.
Trust. All right.

If online dating is a
no-go, why not try for

someone you already know?

I don't like most people I know.

Yeah, what about
Carol from accounting?

You know, now that she's
gotten her halitosis under

control, she's kind
of the office babe.

- Who? Never heard of Carol.
- Yeah, we saw her on Monday.

Ca-rol. We're always
like, "Oh, there's Carol!"

- Darryl?
- What?

- I have an awkward question.
- Okay.

How come we never went out?

I don't want to kick
you while you're down.

Having said that, I would rather

have sex with that couch
you had in college.

Oh, the one with the smells?

The one that had a
squirrel living in it.

- Right. Why? I'm a catch.
- You're not really my type.

- Unemployed?
- Touche.

You know, this is the
first time we've both

been single at the same
time since college.

- Where are you going with this?
- Let me just take you on a date.

Friends shouldn't
rebound with friends.

- Why? You're my favorite hang.
- Peter. Come on.

You're the only person I can
be completely honest with.

Your lumpy parts
don't disgust me.

- Wow, flattery. Uh-huh.
- All good things.

What if we're like Meg Ryan in
all those movies, where, like,

the answer has been right
there the entire time.

Or what if we're like those
porn actresses that kind of

look like Meg Ryan and the only
thing that's gonna come off

this is I get screwed
and you leave?

Well, have you never
thought about it at all?

- Not even for a second?
- Honestly...

Fine, yes, yes, of course
I've thought about it,

but there's a reason I
never did anything about it.

I mean, this kind of thing
only works out in the movies.

- And in real life it's a mess.
- Yeah, but...

we're already messes also.

What's the worst
that can happen?

A murder-suicide.

That's pretty bad. Second worst?

- We ruin the friendship.
- Not if we decide up front.

We go, "Hey, guess what, we're
not gonna ruin the friendship.

No matter what happens
or what does not happen."

That's what we'll
say. You got it.

I'll think about it.
Best and final offer.

- All right, I'll take it.
- Okay.

- Want to go bowling?
- No!

- As friends.
- Maybe, we'll see.

She's really
coming into her own.

- I know.
- So cute. Look at that bee.

I was so worried
she'd look like Doug.

Why? Doug's handsome.

Yeah, well, all the
parts that you can see,

but he has the
weirdest body hair.

He's got this patch on
his chest that looks like

the bat signal, and his ass
is hairier than his head.

- What? No.
- Yeah.

For our fifth anniversary,
he decided to shave himself

from the neck
down, huge mistake.

So, does he just
always have, like,

a full body 5 o' clock shadow?

Oh, yeah, I'm having
sex with a chubby cactus

for the rest of my life.

But, I love him, so
whatever. You know?

Anyways, that is enough
about me and Doug.

Are you gonna go out with Peter?

Oh, Peter told Doug
and Doug cannot

keep a secret to save his life.

Okay, well. I definitely
can't say yes.

He just got dumped by the woman
he thought he was gonna spend

the rest of his life with.

Oh, my God, you
think I should yes?

Okay, normally, I would say
no, but you're Lexa and Peter.

We all knew you'd end
up together eventually.

What do you mean,
"We all knew?"

It just seemed inevitable.
He was in love with you

all through college, and
you kept dating douche bags.

- They weren't douche bags.
- Wife-beater Kenny?

- Kenny never wore wife-beaters.
- No, Lexa.

He seemed like the kind of
guy that would beat his wife.

I'm not gonna argue that.

Greg stole all your underwear,

and Mark who had
sex with the ficus.

Mark was sleep walker.
He was sleep-humping.

I don't know, the point is,

we figured you two would
find each other eventually.

Why? Because a girl and a
guy can't just be friends?

No, because he's just better
than the other guys you dated.

And you two just always look
like you were having more

fun together than
everyone else in the room.

That's what it's about, right?

Damn it.

Are you worried it will
mess up the friendship?

I'm worried because
I think you're right.

Peter and I have something
great and if I can't make it

work out with him, then I
won't be able to make it

work out with anyone.

Yeah, all due
respect, that's dumb.

No, it isn't.

You're letting fear control you.

You are, if nothing
else, brave, Lexa.

You should give it a go.

Just take the time to figure out

if you and Peter
are meant to be.

- You know you want him.
- Maybe a little bit.

Someone's at the door!

Peter, could you grab the door?

- Hi!
- Hi!

- These are for you.
- What's happening?

I'm picking you up for our date.

Are we in a Hallmark movie?

Most girls say "Thank you"
when you get them flowers.

- I hate Hallmark movies.
- They say "Thank you."

And then they say, "I'll
go put them in some water."

- No, that's a lie.
- No, that's what they say.

No, I secretly love
Hallmark movies.

Oh, my God, same! Have
you seen Christmas Village

Town for the Christmas People?

- That's the best one.
- So good.

- You're early.
- Yeah, there's no traffic.

I'm not ready yet.

Okay, I'll just
make myself at home.

- Thank you.
- Welcome.

I'll go put them in some water.

Thank you.

Thank God I made a reservation.

Just one guy.

Luke used to hate
places like this.

Why did you guys
really break up?

So sorry, but if this
was just a friend hang,

you could totally
ask about my ex.

- Lexa, come on.
- Show me a magic trick.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

First-date-Peter would
never leave the house

without a magic
trick up his sleeve.

- There's no magic trick.
- Okay, I get it.

You don't want to bring
out your closer too early.

- There's no magic trick.
- Really?

- Okay, there's a magic trick.
- That's what I thought.

If you casually lean forward
so I can see down your shirt.

Excuse me.

I mean it won't work in this
dress, but I know your moves.

- I do not do that.
- Oh, really?

Oh, that's so interesting.

I didn't know coconuts
weren't really nuts.

Oh, wait. Hold on. Weren't
really nuts. Huh, boob.

Okay, I have never talked
about nuts on a first date.

Uh, I wonder what other
nuts are not really nuts.

Okay.

I read a-an article in the
New Yorker the other day,

it was fascinating.

I just wanna talk about nuts.

I know this artist in Cambodia,

he makes sculptures
out of shoes.

I love nuts.

He reminds me of this artist
that we talked about in class.

- Uh, the Ivy League.
- I love nuts so much.

But not as much
as having no job.

I think you're less
interesting than a gum ball.

- Will you marry me? Screw you.
- What? Wait, what?

If you think I'm such a loser,
then why are we even doing this?

I-I-I don't think
you're a loser.

Then what is that,
why are you making fun

of the fact I don't
have a job right now?

- I was just joking.
- It's not funny. Joke funnier.

Ho! Ho! Ho!
Looking through the glass.

Ho! Ho! Ho!
Looking over fence!

Ho! Ho! Ho!

I can't see anything except
my dad's friend Jacob.

-Jacob! Jacob! Jacob!

- Where are you, Jacob?
- Oh, my God, he's on fire!

- He's burning!
- Oh, no! Jacob's on fire!

- Call the fireman!
- Ding-dong!

- Wee-ooh! Wee-ooh! Wee-ooh!
- I'm a fire...

Please... You're disturbing
the other patrons.

- I'm so sorry. Sorry.
- Totally zoned out.

- Sorry about that!
- Thank you.

Well, we'll never
doing this again.

- Never again.
- Could not have gone worse.

- What?
- Oh, I think I feel sick.

- Oh, no, you don't.
- Yeah, no, yeah I do. Oh!

- It's the other way.
- Ooh! Ooh! Oh!

- Help!
- What? Help, how?

Uh, we'll just get the bill.

Oh, my God!

Damn that Hole In
The Wall restaurant!

Was it the restaurant
or the donut you ate

out of the trash this morning?

- You saw that?
- Yeah, unfortunately.

I thought it was so good.

But it did make me thirsty
enough to get like four chugs

into that milk carton in
the back of your fridge

before I realized
it had spoiled.

It's amazing to me that
you're still alive.

I'm a little cockroach.

So is this the, um, worst
first date you've ever had or..

Don't flatter yourself.

This doesn't even make top five.

- I'll get you water.
- Okay. Thank you.

-Great place. Love the d

- How was the date?
- Bodily fluids were involved...

- No, not the good ones.
- Ew. Tell me more. No. Less.

Ah, I'm torn.
Hold that thought.

- Ah. Hey! Nice fit.
- Hi!

She's going through
De Niro phase.

She's obsessed with his style.

Never seen the movies. I don't
know, kid TikTok is hell.

Do you remember me? Last
time we saw each other

was at the Rainforest Cafe?

I got you that stuffed giraffe.

No, not really, no.

Can you get your finger
out of your mouth?

Um, can you get your
nose out of my business?

- Watch it.
- Oh, you're bleeding.

Honey, don't suck your
blood. It's not healthy.

Why won't anyone
just let me live?

Are you sure you can handle that
'cause she can be a handful?

- Good thing I have two hands.
- Okay.

We'll be fine. I know CPR.
I'll Google everything else.

Amazing! You're a life
saver. I really owe you one.

Yeah, I was thinking
20 bucks an hour.

- Oh.
- $18?

Yeah, I...

Sorry, I didn't realize this
was like a job for you, so.

But that's fine. How
about 30 dollars an hour?

- I... No!
- No, you know CPR.

- I don't CPR, it's...
- I don't know CPR.

I was saying that for effects.

- I think you've earned it.
- I haven't done anything.

I'm trying to end
this conversation

the least awkward way possible.

Got it! Thank you!

- Be good!
- Love you!

Blake?

Blake?

Don't come in.

Okay!

- What are you doing?
- Just working on something.

An app that helps adults
find elite establishments

in which to imbibe.

What are you doing?

Enjoying the slow
march to death,

one level of Candy
Crush at a time.

Nice!

♪ We are born here
from another ♪

♪ We are sisters...

- Hello!
- Hello!

Oh, don't be mad.

I flushed a bunch of
candy corn down the toilet

and it's making a weird noise.

Why? Why would you do that?

'Cause I thought it was
looking at me funny and I...

- I have a surprise.
- What?

- Can you get dressed? Yeah.
- Right now?

♪ We were homeless

♪ Like no other
alive smells... ♪

- He-he-he-he!
- What are you... Whoa!

Are we going to the
zoo? Or the planetarium?

Well, I'm not taking you on
a middle school field trip.

- Oh! Are we going to Spain?
- Yeah, we are walking to Spain.

- Ha! I knew it.
- It's gonna take two years.

Okay? Stop it.
Don't guess anymore.

You're gonna love it, I promise.

- Oh, are we going to Benihana?
- No!

Okay, wait, keep
your eyeballs shut.

Well, okay.

Do not open your eyeball.
Ready? Keep going.

Then what would be the point
of putting your hand there?

- I can do it without your hand.
- Yeah, you're right.

- Okay.
- Okay, ta-da!

- What am I looking at?
- This is where we first met.

- We first met in a lecture hall.
- No! Tha-that was Psych 102.

This was the first spot. Okay,

I was leaving a party
upstairs, remember?

You were sitting literally
right there, drunk off your ass.

I came up to you, I was like,
"Hey! Where do you live?"

Because I wanted to make
sure you got home okay.

- Such a freshman.
- But you forgot your address.

You were like, "I forget!
I don't know where I live."

And I was like, "Wait,
what?" But then,

you did the entire speech
at the end of Rocky...

Rocky 4, yes.

And when you finished,
I was like, "Whoa!

This person is the coolest,"
and so we became friends.

- High five!
- Aww!

Well, that story's
both sweet and creepy.

How is it creepy?

Because apparently I didn't
remember any of that night,

and you were in the back of
the lecture hall leering at me.

- Were you also pining?
- I wasn't pining.

Leering and pining and lusting.

Okay, you ruined a moment
we were supposed to have.

- It smells like farts in here.
- We're done.

- Oh.
- Off to tonight's spot?

Oh, there's another spot
on this train of fun?

- Yes. Miniature golf.
- Yay!

Right, are you prepared
to have your masculinity

challenged by a girl?

Oh, you think you
can beat me at this?

Oh, I know I can beat
you in this game.

- Really?
- Oh, yeah.

Every time I have played
you at this game, I won.

Yeah, but I have
grown into my muscles,

an-and you have withered with...

Yeah? I don't even need to look.

A gopher in roller skates
could beat you at this game.

Well, I could beat a gopher

with this golf club,
so, circle of life.

I'm going to beat you so bad,
you'll think my name is Kenny.

Jesus! Everyone hated him

so much and no one said
anything about him?

Oh, I said things. You're
just really stummer, stubborn.

So you're just really stummer.

- That does sound like me. Tink!
- That was a terrible shot.

But you looked
really cute doing it.

Oh, thanks.

The best thing about
miniatures golf is that

even when you're
losing, you're winning.

Oh, son!

- Ah! God, I love sports.
- I know you do.

- Okay, hole two?
- Hole two, bitch!

Okay, let's go! Oh,
my God! Watch out!

Oh, my God! My God!

What are you doing here?

♪ When I feel myself

♪ When it feels like I was
18 I'm a cat walking... ♪

♪ My money don't
slap those weekend ♪

♪ So rich that my currency
reaching too like ♪

♪ A bus with a ceiling

♪ Stretch your honey Kool-Aid

♪ Shed that shoe lace

♪ Like kicks fresh on
the new Range Rover ♪

♪ Fresh on the coupe

♪ Watch me go like this

♪ Watch me go like this

♪ Honey talk to the ceiling

♪ Wake me up think
I'm dreaming ♪

♪ Watch me go like this

♪ Watch me go like this

- Ooh!
- All right, okay, okay.

- We're one with the wall.
- They can't see us.

They can't see us if
we're part of the wall.

Take me home.

It's nicer.

Okay, I'll look
out for your cat.

Goodnight, Mrs. Yang.

Are you gonna freak me up?

Yeah, um, do you-do
you want me to...

- Put on some music.
- Okay. Um...

- Lexa.
- What's up?

Yeah!

Yeah!

♪ I don't know why...

♪ We're wasting time

♪ You're all I need

♪ Come away with me

♪ We're in your eyes

♪ Where am I

♪ Make me believe

♪ Come away with me...

that if we continue
on this trajectory...

Psst.

Thank you.

- Hey, home is this way.
- You have gymnastics.

No! Gymnastics literally
makes me want to die.

Why do I have to go?

Because the family
calendar says so.

- So?
- Good point.

All right, if you wanna
skip I'm good with that.

But if your mom asks,
you were feeling sick.

You cool lying to your mom?

I'm eight. Of course
I lie to my mother.

All right.

- You're so good.
- Practice makes perfect.

There we go again.

You should be at gymnastics.

- She twisted her ankle.
- My appendix exploded.

Okay. How about you go
get ready for dinner?

Fine.

- Wash your hands.
- Yep, yep!

Sorry, I know I shouldn't
encourage her but...

Oh, it's fine. I've seen
her on the balance beams,

she's no Simone Biles.

Okay, can you tell me about
what's happening with Peter?

Everything is going good-ish.

I mean, there's a reason why
we are best friends, right?

He's sweet, he's funny but...

I don't know, we've been
on a couple of dates

and he still just feels
like he is my best friend

who I sometimes make out with.

This is very PG-13.
Have you had sex?

No.

So you haven't
seen his dick yet?

I've seen his dick.

- What? Okay.
- Through his jeans.

I've not had sex with
him, so, I don't know.

Oh.

What if he is
really weird in bed?

Even better.

I dated a guy once,
he kept saying

I'm having a very nice time,
while he was inside of me.

- That's sweet.
- Ew! Sweet? No.

That's what you say when you're
having tea with your Aunt Milred

not when you're balls
deep in an 18-year-old.

The best sex I ever
had was with this guy

who used to collect my
hairs from the drain

and make these little
dolls with them.

He would make them
and then line them up,

and he would name them
too, and they'd be like

his neighbors and the baker

and things like that,
but the sex was good.

I promise, I promise, it
sounds weird. And it was weird.

- Was it kinky?
- It was pretty kinky.

Can you please have
sex with Peter?

You obviously want to or we

wouldn't be having
this conversation.

- Hi.
- Hey.

Uh, what are you doing here?

Oh, um, I'm here to
get things that I left.

Oh, okay. Uh, yeah, I didn't
see your stuff lying around.

- My hair dryer?
- Hair dryer?

- Yeah.
- Um, okay.

Yeah, it's in the
bottom drawer...

Okay.

- That's... yeah, that's the one.
- Yeah.

Um, is there
anything else here?

Uh, how are you?

I'm fine.

- It's good.
- Yeah. Well, not particularly.

Right. Yeah.

Are you, you're okay?

I'm fine.

Okay.

I'm double parked,
so, I should go.

Taylor...

Thanks.

Don't know what I'd do,
it's my favorite device.

Okay.

- Were you talking to me?
- What?

- I thought I heard voices.
- Uh, no.

It was just like group of
men walking up the road.

But I'm gonna take a quick
showie, shower.

Okay.

Peter! Your phone's ringing!

It's okay,
just pick it up. Okay.

Hello.

What?

For next weekend?

Yep, I'll let him
know. Thank you.

Lakeside Pines called earlier.

- Oh, God, don't be mad.
- No, no, no.

I'm not mad, I just don't
want this to be awkward.

It makes sense that
you would wanna plan

a great vacation
like that for her...

-It's not for her. It's for us.

- Really?
- Yeah, yeah.

I thought it would be nice to
get away for a couple of days.

- Just us. Yeah.
- Yeah. Okay.

- Okay.
- We should go horseback riding.

Well, it's dead of
winter but yeah.

Then what are we
supposed to do out there?

Kind of eliminates all
outdoor activities.

I don't know.
There's lots to do.

- Wait. Oh, my God.
- What?

You didn't plan us a sex
vacation for us, did you?

- What? No! No, no, I know that.
- Because we haven't even...

That'd be like going
from zero to...

You know,
a 100. Yeah, no.

It was just... that-that
was like a break.

It was a nice break,
I thought in my mind.

This will be fun and the
photos were so idyllic.

You do love Nora Ephron moment.

- I do. Yeah. Okay.
- Okay. Okay. Mm.

- Okay. Oh, God!
- No, it's not a sex vacation.

I know, I know, I know, sorry.
It's just that, now that

we said it, I can't
even really ignore it.

- You want me to call and cancel?
- Uh-uh.

- Uh-uh. No.
- I'll call and cancel.

- Put the phone down. Stop.
- Excuse me.

It's fine. This is
what we're gonna

do, I'm going to
leave and we're gonna

pretend like this
conversation never happened.

Where are you going? What?

- Your purse. Your beer?
- I'm moving.

- You can have it.
- You're just leaving. Okay.

♪ Trying to carry on

♪ Time to radio life

Oh, bird house.

That's cute.

♪ Burning inside out

♪ Coming fast...

Right.

Welcome to The Lakeside Pines!

- Hear that?
- What was that?

- Oh! They're here.
- We're right here.

Are we in the right
spot? We parked here?

- That's firm.
- The bed, yeah. It's nice.

Bed.

Oh, Jesus, we're about
to scissor, aren't we?

Okay, don't... Okay,
take a-take a breath.

And then you're going to
want to be the little spoon.

Well, what if I want
to be the little...

- You're freaking out. Yeah.
- No, I'm not.

- You're freaking out a little...
- No, I'm not.

- Just a little bit.
- I'm not. You're freaking out.

I'm not freaking out.

What if it's bad?

Okay, worst things have
happened to better people.

You're my best friend.

So, whatever does or
doesn't happen here...

it won't change that.

- Okay. Okay.
- It won't. Okay?

Sex has destroyed
civilizations, I think

it could take us
down if it wanted to.

Well, you aren't Helen of Troy.

You use that
line on all the girls?

Only the ones that I like.

♪ When I find
we're out of time ♪

♪ Gather around on the floor

♪ We're burning it inside out ♪

♪ Seasonal

♪ Wind singing now

♪ You may hear us
let our head down ♪

♪ We're burning inside out ♪

♪ On the count to five

♪ ...lying strong

♪ Here we are

♪ Turn Your radio

♪ On

- Whoo!
- Wow!

- You are Helen of Troy.
- Thank you.

- That was... yeah.
- Thank you.

All those years of field work
have made you quite a contender.

Sounds like you just used
a bunch of fancy words

to call me a slut in a nice way.

No, it's good. I
had a good time.

- Hm, yeah, me too.
- Yeah.

- You're strong and bendy.
- Yoga.

I wanna start doing that.

You were great, but I can send
you some videos if you want.

- Really? Yeah, send 'em.
- Yeah.

- Okay, I will.
- Okay.

- I'm hungry, you hungry?
- I'm hungry.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Let's get something to eat.

- We'll eat.
- Again.

- Oh, that was a good one.
- Thanks.

Basket's over
there. Yeah.

- You want to get it?
- You go get it.

Okay.

Jam?

No, actually, this is
a marmalade, not a jam.

Here, try it.

You almost stabbed
me in the eye.

But I didn't, and
that's what matters.

Oh, anyway, a jam's usually made
of crushed or chopped fruits,

sugar, pectin, lemon juice,

marmalades are made
with citrus fruits.

And pieces of peel.
Oh, God. Oh, stop it.

That is the most boring thing
I have ever heard in my life.

Just wait till we
get to compote.

Isn't that a movie with
Philip Seymour Hoffmann?

- That's Copote.
- Right.

Too much sugar.

What's that?

Don't fight me, don't fight.

Is there a fight coming?

Yeah, it depends on
the next ten seconds.

Okay. Lexa.

Um, I was gonna bring Taylor
here and then we broke up.

- And I forgot to cancel...
- Of course.

This was for Taylor. We
both hate stuff like this.

W-wait. Actually, no, actually
I did cancel, I tried to cancel.

Peter, I even asked you if it
was for her. I gave you the out.

Would you prefer, I
told you the truth?

Yes, no, I-I don't
know. We just,

we never lie to each other ever.

Really? So the real reason
you broke up with Luke

was 'cause of his big teeth?

If you had told me the truth,
it would've been weird.

But I still would've
wanted to come because

I would've been with you and
we always have fun together.

- But, this changes things.
- Okay, wait. Lexa, wait.

- Ooh, ooh, ooh! Do it with me.
- No.

Just one time. Looking
through the glass...

- Peter, stop.
- Ooh, ooh! Over things?

Your turn. Chime in. Please.

You can't just
sing the Jacob Song

and expect everything
to be better.

Not this time.

I feel gross.

Hey!

- Oh, hey.
- Hey.

- Came to get a paper clip. Yeah.
- Oh, cool. Nice.

Last week would've
been our anniversary.

- You know? Yeah.
- I know. Yeah. Yeah.

So, I know that things
are weird between us

but I was wondering if
you wanted to come over

for dinner Thursday?

That night that you
proposed, I said some things

that I shouldn't have and...

I-I just would
really like to talk.

- Because, I, I miss you.
- Yeah. Um, well, I gotta...

- I gotta get these to Dave.
- Mm-mm.

- 'Cause Dave said he needed...
- Yeah. Dave.

Oh, you're gonna do
it right now? Okay.

Yeah. Except, Dave's
the other way.

No, I know, I know,
I was just looking.

Okay.

Uh, Thursday, invitation's open.

Yeah, not for you.
No offense. Yeah.

Yeah.

Hey!

- Yeah?
- You're ready to go?

Doug and Ella? Dinner?

Oh God, yeah, I forgot.
Can you just make up a lie?

I don't want to deal with them
asking questions about our trip.

You're gonna make
me face them alone.

Seems like the least
you can do, yeah.

No, don't do this to me.

Ella's gonna figure out
that we got in a fight.

- She's gonna yell at me.
- She's a great friend that way.

And then Doug gonna drink
too many wine spritzers

and start crying about
how much he loves Blake.

Phew! That sounds
awful. God speed.

Lexa?

Please.

I'm just a poor boy.

Fine.

Give me like five
minutes to get dressed.

Okay.

Welcome to Casa de
Doug y Ella y Blake!

- Wow, take it down a notch.
- What? It's Fiesta Night.

I made fiesta fajitas.
Come on, feel the music.

- Okay, all right.
- Would you give us a minute?

Oh!

- What're you doing?
- Let's make up.

I'm over this fight. Yeah. I
thought about it and what you

did wasn't that bad, plus,
I think we're gonna need

each other to get through
this Fiesta night.

You know, the
door isn't sound proof.

If we're fighting, they're
gonna pick up on it.

It's gonna make
this even weirder.

- Okay, um...
- Super thin.

It's definitely gonna get weird.

Okay, so you wanna just
skip to the end where

we make up like we always do?

Yeah, if that's how you
wanna look at it, sure.

- But it feels so easy.
- Take the win, Lambida.

- Ole.
- Hey.

- Hi!
- Hi, wow!

- Did you hear us fighting?
- I heard everything.

- Thank you.
- You doing okay?

Yeah. Hi.

Welcome.

I was kidding.

No, it's so horrible, they
like suck up your blood,

you're their food source.

Argh! I'm gotta throw up.

This was delicious
Doug, thank you.

Taylor gave us the
recipe actually, sorry.

Oh, that's okay, you
can say her name.

Yeah. That's not awkward at all.

- Don't make that noise.
- What?

That noise. That's
gross, we have guests.

- I don't care.
- I'm fine.

See, they don't care.

I think you're being polite
because it's disgusting.

I think, they all remember you
slipping on your own vomit.

- I remember that.
- I remember that.

And, it doesn't matter.

What? Gosh, does it count?

- Yes, it does.
- Those are tense.

- Mm-hm.
- Hm.

- Are you...
- Are you, what?

- In AA?
- No. Why would you ask that?

- You're pregnant.
- Oh! No, um...

- I was going to some meetings.
- You're pregnant.

- Because you stopped drinking.
- I'm not pregnant.

Wait a minute, I haven't
seen you smoke in weeks.

- You were smoking?
- You're in the family way.

- With child.
- I had to give up my cigars.

And this whole time
you've been smoking?

Hey, okay. First of all,

I don't big, not
even metaphorically.

- I know that.
- Second of all.

When you smoke cigars
you smell like my father.

I was starting to have
very complicated dreams.

And third of all,
I am not pregnant.

- Hm.
- Mm. Mm-hm.

- Hm.
- Hm. Ahem!

- She's pregnant!
- Doug!

- I'm sorry. What?
- Oh, God!

I'm sorry. I had to
tell. I'm so excited.

- Yaay! Congratulations.
- Jesus, um, I'm at ten weeks.

We just had agreed
not to tell anyone

because we've had some
false starts, so...

Yeah.

- And we're moving to suburbs.
- Damnit, Doug.

I told you, I'm bursting.

- Wow!
- Yeah!

Good schools, the kids
will have a backyard...

I guess they know
what the suburbs are.

But I thought you guys
were such city people.

Where're you
thinking? Like, Evanston?

Well, we've just put an
offer on a place in Oak Park.

- Oak Park, that's on my list.
- Your "list?"

I mean, it just
makes sense. Right?

Quick commute for work,
the kids will have fun.

We're going up.
Moving to the suburbs!

- Nice.
- Yes, really nice.

And you're excited?

- Yes, I'm excited.
- Yes!

I'll drink to that. Cheers.

- Congratulations, guys.
- Thank you, thank you.

So happy for you guys.

Please drink my
wine. Happy for you.

I could cry right
now. But I'm not gonna.

You look
little jealous today.

Please don't. You
haven't even had dessert yet.

- I'm too big a screw up for you.
- You are not a screw up.

A baby called me a screw up at
the supermarket the other...

A baby did not call
you a screw up.

- He did. With his eyes.
- You're a lunatic.

- But you aren't a screw up.
- I am.

Okay, if you're a screw
up, then I'm a screw up.

- That's adorable.
- I pee in the shower.

- Not sometimes, every day.
- That's all you got?

Sometimes I pee in the shower
when I'm not taking a shower.

Why? It's really weird.

I lost my neighbor's cat
and instead of telling him,

I replaced it with a
cat from the shelter.

I forgot to pay my bills,

so I didn't have hot water
or power for three weeks.

I sometimes go to soup kitchens
just to watch homeless people

and feel better about myself.

Well, you know what?
You're a bad person.

But you're not a screw up.

Who cares?

You should. You want
to move to the suburbs.

- Yeah, one day.
- Yeah. With a wife and kids...

Well, I don't need the
picket fence thing.

- But, yeah, that's the idea.
- Well, you can't do that.

With someone who's life is a
mess. I mean, I guess you could,

like my mom did. But
look how that turned out.

You're not a mess.
You turned out great.

What're you talking about?

I didn't break up with
Luke because of his teeth.

I actually really
loved his beaver teeth.

But he started
bringing up the future.

The wife and the kids, and I
felt myself pushing him away.

And then, Luke
met Kimberly Mint.

Kimberly's are bitches.

Maybe, but she was
ready for all that.

And Luke fell in love
with her instead.

And when that
happened, I fell apart.

I drank too much, and
I smoked too much.

And, I messed up at
work and got fired.

- The sandwich place?
- Yeah.

- Free sandwiches?
- Yeah.

And then my landlord
threatened to evict me

so I moved back here.

You're ready for
something serious.

And that's great.

But I don't know if I'm ever
gonna be a Kimberly Mint.

♪ I love thunder

Why're you looking
at me like that?

- Try it.
- Well, now, I don't want to.

- Just try it.
- You try it.

I didn't do anything
weird to it.

I don't know.

You're seriously going to ruin
this right now, aren't you?

Ruin what? Your
assassination attempt?

It's only an assassination

attempt if you're of
international significance.

But you don't denying
you're trying to kill me?

It's eggplant parmigiana,
Peter. Eggplant.

- Oh! So, I'm the butthole.
- Mm-hm. Yeah.

Hm.

- It's good.
- You hate it.

I want to like it,
but it's not me.

I went to the dark side
and I can't come back.

- You're unbelievable.
- Actually, yeah, no.

The tastes are kicking in
at the end and it's now

forming a beautiful
thing that you've done.

Thank you, I'm gonna
keep eating it, watch.

Watch this. Ready? Hm!

When I said "No" to
your proposal, I said

it was because you weren't
ready but I wasn't ready.

You-you weren't who
I was expecting to

end up with, you
think farts are funny.

Well, objectively they
are. Like scientifically.

You didn't have
health insurance until

I gave it to you
for your birthday.

You're a man-child, it
freaked me out and...

Wait, did you just invite me
over to insult my personality?

I invited you over to
ask you to marry me.

What?

- Oh, my God! Are you dying?
- Why would I be dying?

I don't know. Why would
you ask me to marry you?

- You annoy the shit out of me.
- Okay.

And, there are so many things
that, that drive me crazy

about you, like, you-you leave

your dirty socks
in my living room.

And-and you put the empty
milk carton back in the fridge

instead of throwing it
out, and you've made

the 11 o'clock news
into a drinking game,

for God's sake but
for some stupid reason

you're the first person I
think about in the morning,

and the last person I
think about at night.

I'm just a little bit confused

because 90 percent
of that was insult.

And a ten percent stalker.

Well, I love you so
much I can look past

all of your glaring flaws.

Thank you.

You're the person that
I can't live without

that I don't want
to live without.

- You broke up with me, Taylor.
- I know.

I just, I-I was
nervous that, that you

and I could never have
what you and Lexa have.

I broke up with you
because I was scared

and dumb, not because
I stopped loving you.

I never stopped
loving you either.

Then let's get married.

I can't.

Why? Give me one
good reason why.

I'm dating Lexa.

Oh! That's a good reason.

- Yeah.
- Is it serious?

I don't know, it's complicated,
it's been a month only but...

Yeah, I don't, I don't know
what else to say, Taylor.

Say you'll marry me.

♪ In the night...

Lexa?

I need to talk to you.

Lexa?

♪ Oh

♪ And the night comes still

♪ Seeing all

♪ And the night comes our way

♪ Wide awake

♪ The night comes down...

Can you just... I don't know.

Call her a cab to
go somewhere else?

We can't kick her out.

I'm not saying to
kick her out. I'm just saying

at a certain point,
you're too old to be

crashing at people's places.

She's going through
a really rough time.

We're all going through
a rough time, sweetie.

That's literally what being
an adult is, a rough time.

Jeez! When did you
become so hard-hearted?

I just want my living
room, is that so wrong?

She's our friend.

You ever wonder if we
met some of the people

we're friends with now,

we'd still want to
be friends with them?

- Journal about it. Okay.
- Oh, I will.

- Wife was rude.
- Wife is hot as shit.

Aren't you old to-old
to be a babysitter?

- No.
- My last babysitter was 14.

Oh, so your parents made
two bad decisions I see.

Yeah, well, Lexa's my babysitter
for now but she also has an app.

- So...
- Yeah. That's right.

So do you still have to
live with your parents?

Listen. Being an adult is hard.

Harder than people
tell you, and sometimes

your plans don't work
out and your whole life

goes to hell and the
worst part about it is

nobody is even surprised
because you're just fulfilling

this little prophecy that they
had in their head for you.

So, basically everything
about being an adult sucks.

Shit! I'm sorry.

- Please, don't do that. Um...
- Being an adult sucks?

Lexa, fix it, fix it, fix it!

It's just gonna suck for a
long time and then you die?

- That's it?
- No! No, no, no. No, no.

That's not what's gonna happen.

You seem like a great kid
with rich enough parents

so, you're probably
gonna be totally fine

even if you have a
run for a few years,

it's gonna be cool,
you're gonna be cool.

So, just relax.

And here, have a string cheese.

I'm not supposed to have dairy.

I won't tell if you don't.

Thank you.

Okay, listen, you
guys. You're great.

And, I'm a screw-up.

You guys don't have
anything to worry about.

- Oh, my God! Stop.
- What?

Your biggest problem is
you. You're so mopey.

But your life is pretty
good. You kind of have a job,

you get to hang out with me all
day which is obviously sick.

You have an app which
could totally fail,

but at least you're
trying to do something.

Most adults don't even try.

They settle down and get
a 9 to 5, like my dad.

- Your dad's great.
- No shit.

He's the best, but
he's not brave.

Ugh, all this motivational
speaking made me tired

and hungry, I'm gonna
take a snack break.

Olivia?

Hey, Lex. I wanted
to talk to you in person

but I think you're avoiding me.

Which I totally understand.

But um, Taylor asked
me to marry her.

And, I think I might say yes.

Um, I know, it's awkward
over a voice message,

but I don't know how
to get a hold of you.

Uh, so, I don't know
what else to say.

But I-I hope you are
doing good, uh, yeah.

Take care.

Hey, how's it going?

- What?
- You like music?

- What?
- Music?

- This music?
- Yeah.

- My ears are bleeding.
- I know. It's great.

Whoo!

- Oh!
- Oh, that was new.

- Good new? Yeah?
- Yeah. Like, great! Great!

Where'd you learn that?

- Hm, um...
- Right. Mm-hm. Yeah, yeah.

- I'm gonna shower.
- Mm-hm.

Oh, my God!

Pete, so like... what
was it like dating her?

Peter? I know you can hear me.

This is a trap. This
whole conversation is a trap.

- It's a simple question.
- Okay.

I-I'm not the bad guy here.
I played by the rules.

You broke up with me.

I didn't tell you to sleep
with your best friend!

I know that you're hurt
right now but I did not

cheat on you, I was depressed

and I was looking for
someone to feel better.

- So wait, it was a rebound?
- Yes. No, a 100 percent.

It was a mistake. She's
gasoline, I'm a match.

You're the person
I'm meant to be with.

And it's over?

It's complicated.
I'll, I'll fix...

You didn't fix it already?
Like, what does that mean?

And why is your junk
covered? What are you doing?

'Cause this is a
hostile situation.

"Hostile?" It's not
hostile, Peter. I love you.

I'm in no hostility towards
him. He's my... I love him.

- I deserve him.
- You deserve it.

I deserve to see
him at all times.

Yes, you do.

Come on.

Okay, don't-don't pee
in the shower, please.

Huh?

How have you been?

I slept with a kid named River.

- No.
- Yep.

I screwed a River,
you nailed a Pond.

Her name was Lake.

Oh, I saw your app in the
app store. It's really great.

Oh, were you one
of the nine people

that have downloaded it so far?

- Well, these things take time.
- Yeah, I tried.

There's something
to that, right?

Exactly. Yeah. You should
be proud of yourself.

- I am.
- Good.

Can we not do this
anymore? This sucks.

- Can we just go back to normal?
- That's not that easy.

Yes, it is. We agreed that
if dating didn't work out,

we would go back
to being friends

just like nothing had changed.

- Things did change.
- Why? Because we had sex?

No, because I'm engaged.

- Bro's before hoes. Yes, I am.
- You're not my bro.

I don't sleep with
my other bro's.

So this is because we had sex.

No, it's because
I'm getting married

and I can't put our friendship
above everything else anymore.

I'm not asking you to do that.

I can't hurt Taylor anymore.

I'm not asking you
to do that either.

I think we just need
to take some space.

How much space do you need? We
already haven't spoken in weeks.

Well, as much as it takes
to make her feel okay.

Wait, are, are you
friend-dumping me right now?

I wish there was another way,
but I-I-I just can't see it.

Okay, so not only can we not
go back to being best friends

like you agreed we would, but
we can't be friends at all?

I don't know what else to say.

I want to kill you right now.

How? By tying me to two horse

drawn carts and
having them run...

Oh, Lex!

Okay, um, these...
Your butt looks

really good in this.

- Keep?
- Yes.

- Are you okay?
- Yeah. Totally.

You excited about tonight?

Not really, you know.

Bachelorettes are a
rite of passage, right?

- I suppose.
- What are you boys doing?

Oh. Well, if there
is a God, nothing.

- Keep box.
- Yes.

I just want to get a giant
family size box of White Castle.

You know what women think? Let
me tell you what women think.

Yeah, I love that.

Women think that men on
their final nights of freedom

they just want
strippers and beer

but really, I just want
a place to fart endlessly

into the sunset without
anybody knowing.

- They say romance is dead but...
- Nope.

- Proved me wrong.
- Not with me.

Anyway. Should I
keep this clock?

Yeah.

- Yeah.
- And...

Let's start with these ones.

Oh, I need tape.

- Is she coming today?
- No. No.

I ended it with
her platonically.

Oh. You didn't have to do that.

We are starting a new
chapter in our life.

And when we are
together, not good.

I don't want anything to
jeopardize what we have.

- I love you.
- I love you too.

- I need tape. Okay.
- Then get tape.

Lexa!

Lexa! Lexa! I know
you're in there.

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Ta-da!

I was at my bachelorette party.

- You don't say.
- Yeah.

What is that? What are you...

- Oh!
- I think I did it.

- Wow!
- I can't marry Peter.

So, Taylor, as lovely
as it is to see you...

- I needed to talk to someone.
- And you thought of me.

- Oh!
- I broke him.

When I met him, his kitchen
cabinets were filled with Legos

and only two days ago

his walls were covered
with unframed band posters.

- Sounds about right.
- And now, no more Legos.

- No more Sublime.
- I can buy you Sublime poster.

I took this wonderful
strange man of a boy,

and I-I-I changed him.

And he did and he
was perfect before.

- He wasn't perfect.
- No, he was perfectly imperfect.

And then I, I-I made him
dull, I made him like me.

Oh, Taylor, look.
I barely know you.

But I can say one thing for
certain is, you are not dull.

Well, we're not
fun like you two.

Fun gets you sent
to Disneyland jail.

Look, when Peter
and I are together,

we become the people we
were when we were 20.

But the two of you,
when you're together,

you make each other better.

Do you think he's making
a mistake marrying me?

You're putting me in a
really weird position.

If the two of you get
married, I lose Peter forever.

But if I stop thinking about
myself for like 30 seconds...

I do think you two
belong together.

Really?

Yeah, really.

I really love you, I think.

- Thank you. Oh! Hm!
- Be my maid of honor?

I think you belong together
too, like not romantically.

'Cause, that would be weird.
But you know, as friends.

You should stay friends because
just because I can't give him

what you give him doesn't mean
that part of him should die.

Yeah, well, uh, I dumped him
and he friend-dumped me. So...

I'm gonna fix this, I'm gonna
throw up and I'm gonna fix it.

What would you say if I
wanted to make out with you?

Huh, who?

Okay, all right, hold on.

- Wake up.
- What is it?

You left a random
woman in my room.

Yeah, she was too... Uh,
I'll take care of it.

Don't bother. She's gone.

- I don't know, it's kind of...
- He's got this.

Ah, you want to
protect your face, bro?

Okay, I'll, I'll be back.

I can leave if you want me to.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Taylor told me about last night.
Thank you for talking her down.

- It was nothing.
- Also... I'm sorry. I panicked.

I thought I had to lose you
to save my relationship.

- And I was a dick.
- You were.

Do you wanna punch
me in the other eye?

I feel really bad about
that so, I want to change

the subject really quickly?

Sorry, I missed
your bachelor party.

Oh, it's okay, you were
uninvited by some jerk.

- Me, I was a jerk. You got that?
- No, yeah, I got that. Yeah.

You missed quite a night, I mean
I can't remember most of it,

but apparently I did
a karaoke duet version

of My Heart Will Go On with
a stripper named Cobra.

- A female stripper named Cobra?
- I'm not sure.

- Yeah, undetermined. So...
- How you feeling?

Honestly, I wasn't nervous until
I saw the church and everything.

- I'm nervous, whoo!
- You'll do great.

- You think so?
- Yeah. I know so.

I want you to pay attention,
because what I'm about to

tell you just might be the
greatest thing that anyone

has told another human being
in the history of this planet.

- Wow!
- Are you ready?

Yes. No. Yes.

"I
came here tonight,

I didn't know what to expect."

"I seen a lot of
you people hatin' me

"and I didn't know what
to feel about that,

so I guess they didn't
like you much not either."

"During this fight, I've
seen a lot of changing,

the way yous feel about me, and
in the way I felt about you."

"In here, we were two
guys killing each other...

but I guess that's
better than 20 million."

Love that line.

"What I'm trying to say
is, if I can change,

and you can change, then
everybody can change!"

- Rocky 4.
- Rocky 4.

- You still got it.
- Yeah.

Okay.

- You coming? Okay.
- Yeah, in a second.

- Good luck.
- Thank you.

♪ You told me 'boy
look the other way' ♪

♪ You told me 'boy
bite your tongue' ♪

♪ Yes that's not the way

♪ Yeah that's not the way

♪ Ah that's just not the way

♪ That friends behave

♪ Ah that's just not the way

♪ That friends behave

♪ Oh no no no

♪ No no no no

♪ You lined me up

♪ Across the room

♪ Two falling sparks

♪ One willing fool

♪ And I I always knew

♪ That I would love
you from afar ♪

♪ You told me 'boy
look the other way' ♪

♪ You told me 'boy
hide those hands' ♪

♪ Well I've been living on
the crumbs of your love ♪

♪ And I'm starving now

♪ And that is just the way

♪ That we remain

♪ Ah that will be the way

♪ That we remain

♪ Oh no no no

♪ No no no no

♪ You lined me up

♪ Across the room

♪ Two falling sparks

♪ One willing fool

♪ And I I always knew

♪ That I would love
you from afar ♪

♪ You lined me up

♪ Across the room

♪ Two falling sparks

♪ One willing fool

♪ And I I always knew

♪ That I would love
you from afar ♪

♪ It shouldn't come
as a surprise ♪

♪ What I'm feeling
what I'm feeling now ♪

♪ It shouldn't come
as a surprise ♪

♪ She got darling hazel eyes

♪ It shouldn't come
as a surprise ♪

♪ What I'm feeling
what I'm feeling now ♪

♪ It shouldn't come
as a surprise ♪

♪ What I'm feeling
what I'm feeling now ♪

♪ It shouldn't come
as a surprise ♪

♪ What I'm feeling
what I'm... ♪♪