All language subtitles for The.Ladies.Man.2000.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC5.1-[YTS.MX]

Along the Kennedy Expressway,

a truck overturned in the slow lane.

Along the Stevenson Expressway,
the traffic moving along nicely.

Another shadow traffic update
with TJ Burks in ten minutes.

You are listening to WRIX,

Chicago's number one news and financial networks.

- Now, back to Money Matters.
- Welcome back, I'm your host, Gil Stewart,

and we're almost out of time here on Money Matters,

but here's a quick wrap-up of the day's biggest stories.

The Dow closing out today at minus fifty-five,

while the NASDAQ was up seven points.

The S&P is down four.

Gold takes a big hit on the floor
as the International Monetary Fund...

unloads ten percent of its gold holdings,

causing ripples throughout the banking industry,

continuing the trend of
unloading the bulk of its holdings...

in favor of better-performing securities.

You've been listening to Money Matters.

I'm Gil Stewart, looking after your money.

It's now 2:00a.m. and time for...

What's happening? And welcome to The Ladies Man,

the love line with all the right
responses to your romantic queries.

My name is Leon Phelps, and to those
of you that are uninitiated,

I am an expert in the ways of love.

Um, I have made love to many fine ladies,

from the lowliest bus station skank...

to the classiest, most sophisticated,

educated, debutante, high society bus station skank.

But listen. I am doing good, if you were askin'.

I got my Courvoisier cognac right here,

and I'm ready to take your calls.

While I am not a psychiatrist
or a psychologist or whatever,

I have done it to a lot of ladies,

and that makes me somewhat like an expert.

I have a Ph.D. in tang, as it were.

So, if you have a romantic query
and you are under the age of fifty...

and you're not freaky or disgusting,
please give us a call.

My lovely producer, Julie Simmons,

she is over there and she is
awaiting with bated breath...

to hear what you got to say.

Okay, you're gonna have to hold anyway, sir. Yeah.

Susan from Oak Park. you have a question for Leon?

Oh, he left his clothes at your house.

The phone is lighting up, so let's take a call.

Hey, what's happening? This is
Leon Phelps. You got The Ladies Man.

- Hello, Ladies Man.
- Oh, it's a lady.

I'm new to this city.
and I don't know too many people.

And I am painfully shy.

Yeah, you sound painfully shy.
Listen, this is what you should do.

Go to the bus station or to a bowling alley...

and hang out with no underpants.

- Trust me. It works.
- What?

You'd be surprised at how many men
will approach you. I know that I would.

Next caller, go ahead. You got The Ladies Man.

Ladies Man, I've been feeling really confused.

Yeah, that sounds good.

No, it's not good.

I'm in a relationship, but
I don't know if he is for real.

How do you know when
you're really, truly in love?

Don't worry. When you're really, truly in love,

you will feel it deep down in your pants.

Unless, of course, you're not wearing any pants,

which is not uncommon in my case.

What are you talking about?
I asked you about finding true love.

Yeah, that's right. You did. Listen,
I hope whatever I said was helpful.

Next caller. You got The Ladies Man.

Next caller. You got The Ladies Man.

Ma'am, I'm gonna have to put
you on hold, okay? Ladies Man.

Listen, I don't care what you say.
Chlamydia is a soup.

It's my opinion. I can have that if I'd like.

You don't have to argue. I've seen
it on the grocery store shelves.

Yes, I know that clam chowder
is not a venereal disease.

Don't argue with me about it.
I don't care if you are a doctor.

No, we promise there won't be
any more vulgar material.

You gotta get a thumb and
just stick it up in there.

Actually, get two thumbs up
in there, you know, like the Fonz.

Like this, "Heyyy"

There may be weird smells afterwards,
but don't worry. just take a shower.

Hey, go ahead, caller. You got The Ladies Man.

No one knows where Leon came from exactly,

but he started out life on
the steps of a majestic mansion.

The master of the house was a great man...

who surrounded himself with
the world's most beautiful objects.

He had everything he wanted,

except a son.

Young Leon was taken into this world...

and raised as one of their own.

And in that warm family environment,

Leon developed into quite a stylish young man.

He learned everything a
bright kid would wanna know about,

stereo systems and, of course, love.

In this magical kingdom,

the king shared everything with him.

Only one thing was off-limits.

But Leon being Leon,

the day arrived when the benevolent
proprietor and Leon parted ways.

Poor little Leon was thrown out into the cold,

much like Moses in the days of old.

After that it wasn't easy for
the little man, but he got along.

He always did.

Not because he was smart
and not because he was rich,

but because...

the ladies loved Leon Phelps.

- How did he do it?
- Hey, Leon.

Well, I guess you'd better ask the man yourself.

Lester, how come you tell that story
every time we walk into this bar?

I don't know. Maybe there's somebody
out there who don't know you.

Yeah, right. It's the same five
or six people in this place.

- How'd your show go tonight?
- Oh, yeah, good question.

Um, same old, same old. Leon Phelps is a genius.

Yeah, same old angry calls from our listeners...

and same old threats from the boss.

But listen, for every hundred angry calls we get,

there is somebody that I helped.

Ain't that right, Scrap Iron?

Huh? Yeah.

Leon single-handedly saved
my second and fourth marriages.

- Mm-hmm.
- That's right. And it was Leon...

who taught me I didn't have to be ashamed of my body.

Thank you, Candy. You see, I like
to help people. That is what I do.

You know, I am like Mother Teresa,

but of boning, you see what I'm saying?

Listen, Julie, you are now
in the world of Leon Phelps, okay?

Everything will work out. Trust me.

Thank you, Scrap.

And besides that, Julie, you have to learn...

that there are more important
things in life than work.

- Can I help you?
- Martini with lemon.

So excuse me while Leon Phelps shows you...

how he brings home the bacon.

That's my cue. I'm out of here.

Yeah, I know. It's a heartbreak, ain't it, girlfriend?

I mean, when's it gonna be our turn, right?

You know, you and me are exactly alike. Eerie.

- See you later, Scrap Iron.
- Bye, baby.

- Bye, Lester. See you tomorrow, Leon.
- Bye, sweetie.

There goes Julie Simmons.

I bet you're wondering what a nice girl
like that is doing in a place like this.

That's exactly what I was wondering
one night about two years ago.

Bourbon, up.

Let me help you with that. There you go.

Listen, I was wondering, can I ask you a question?

Was your father a meat burglar?

Here's why I ask. Because it looks like somebody...

stole two fine hams and shoved them
down the back of your dress.

And then it happened. She started laughing.

Kept on laughing. I thought she was crazy.

They talked and laughed on into the night.

Leon didn't go home with her,
but he took home her business card.

She said she was in radio. Said
she wanted to put Leon on the radio.

That was two years ago.

I guess she packed her wedding dress away...

for another day.

Listen, seriously, Lester.
Can you take a break for a second?

I'm trying to concentrate over here.

Leon, I think she gonna be a tough shoe to polish.

Au contraire, bonjour.

Let me give you the play-by-play.

I will probably begin with
a very classy first line.

Something like...

Say, sweet thing, can I buy you a fish sandwich?

Mm-hmm.

And then I will commence to
whisper sweet words in her ear.

Something like...

Man, I'd like to take a bite out of your butt.

And then I will close the deal
by giving her a preview of...

the goods.

The day you pick up that pretty woman,

that's the day I believe
a wet bird don't fly at night.

Yeah? Well, get ready to see
a wet bird fly at night, my friend.

Say there, sweet thing.

Uh, I have a question. Could I--

- Hey, swinger. I've got an idea.
- Yeah?

My husband's away.

Let's go back to my place.

So you don't want a fish sandwich?

Okay, that's cool, I guess. But listen.

- My car doesn't exist, so- Yes.
- Shut up.

The bus is what we'll be taking.

Hey! Hey, man! Hey!

- To the left. Yeah. Just like that.
- Like that?

Honey, the front door.

Barney, is that you?

Well, it isn't the Orkin man.

I'll be right there.

You'll never guess what happened.

I was cleaning up the broom closet,

and it was so stuffed with crap.

So I opened the door...

and it was like, "Uh-uh-uh-uh.

Don't open that door, McGee."

'Cause all that stuff...

just came tumbling down all over me.

- Do you have a man in there with you?
- Oh, yes!

Oh, yes! Oh, yes! Don't stop.

Cheryl?

Oh, don't stop! Oh, don't--

Listen baby, that was cool, but I gotta go.

No!

Wake up!

It is 2:30 in the a.m., and you
are listenin' to The Ladies Man.

All right. So let's take some
more calls. Go ahead, caller.

Hello? Am I on?

Yes, you are. What seems to be your query?

Uh,

Well, look, I've never called
a show like this before,

but I'm in- I'm in really bad shape.

I was, uh- I was kind of hoping
that you'd help me out.

Well, we'll see what we can do.

So, I came home last night,

and what do you know.

My wife of seven years was
in the sack with another guy.

- Yeah, that sounds good.
- No, it's not good.

I-I saw the guy.

I saw him running--
running down the street.

He had this, like, smiley...

tattoo thing on his, uh, on his, uh-

Okay, sir, listen.

We're gonna take a break right now.

We'll be back in a few moments
with the answer to our survey,

"What is your favorite hole?" Thanks for calling.

I don't wanna talk. I just came to pick up my-

Barney!

No! No!

It's not what you think.

Way to go, Leon. You really are a class act.

Well, what can I say, baby?
The ladies, they love Leon Phelps.

What ladies? Who are these women?

And why do you feel like you
have to sleep with all of them?

Um, let me see. Have you ever had sex?

Yes, Leon, I've had sex.

Yes, well, there you go.

That's delightful.

- Yeah.
- It's exactly that kind of language...

that's gonna get you kicked off the air-

- Mr. Kent.
- Yes!

You certainly seem in good spirits today.

I didn't think it showed.

I just got a letter from the F.C.C.

So I suppose you could say I'm
"full of contentment and cheer."

What do you mean?

I'm sure you're aware
your little friend, Leon Phelps,

has always been a thorn in my side.

He's unprofessional. He drinks on the air.

He has a little sip of cognac now and then, but-

I would have fired him years ago if he wasn't such a-

such a favorite with the owner of the station.

I don't know what she sees in him.

But I finally decided to go
over her head about this...

and straight to the F.C.C.

And if Leon Phelps is responsible for even one more...

tiny little fine,

I get to fire him.

Well, we haven't had a fine in weeks.

Leon's completely cleaned up his act.

- Oh, is that a fact?
- Caller, you got The Ladies Man.

Yeah, you see, what your problem is...

is that you suffer from,

um, "homo-un-erectus."

Which means, basically,
that your wang is "hugeified"

not by a woman but by a man.

Well, you never know. I mean, some
nights the F.C.C. doesn't even listen.

- Really?
- No!

They listen all the time. Probably listening now.

What's up? Bucky Kent is visiting us
in the station. How you doing?

Well, I guess he can't stick around.

But you still got Leon Phelps.
I'm sticking it out here.

We gonna take a break.
We gonna be right back.

- Leon--
- Don't let Bucky get you all upset.

- He is just jealous.
- Leon, I think he's serious this time.

He said that the radio station
won’t pay for any more of your fines.

I tell you what I'm gonna do. We only
got three minutes left for the show.

I'm just gonna ease my way out. Play
a little music. No more phone calls.

And you'll see by tomorrow
Bucky Kent will be all cooled down.

- You promise?
- Julie, come on.

The one person you can trust is Leon Phelps.

- Okay.
- Kiss me. Kiss me!

Stop it.

What's happening? You got The Ladies Man,

Leon Phelps here, and I am looking
at a half-empty bottle of Courvoisier,

which means that we are just about out of time.

But before I go, I'd like to
leave you with just one more thought.

This is a little something that I wrote.

And I read:

"What is love?

What is this longing in our
hearts for togetherness?

Is it not the sweetest flower?

Does not this flower of love...

have the fragrant aroma
of fine, fine diamonds?

Does not the wind love the dirt?

Is not love not unlike the
unlikely not it is unlikened to?

Are you with someone tonight?

Do not question your love.

Take your lover by the hand.

Release the power within yourself

You heard me, release the power.

Tame the wild cosmos with a whisper.

Conquer heaven with one intimate caress.

That's right. Don't be shy.

Whip out everything you've got...

and do it in the butt."

By Leon Phelps.

Let's go. Come on.

- Good distance.
- Yeah, not bad.

Listen, Julie, I just wanna say...

thank you for sticking up for me.

- Yeah, okay. Leon-
- Listen. You always stick up for me.

- Yeah, but Leon--
- You're the greatest, you know?

- Thank you.
- And another thing.

No matter what they do to me, they can
fire me from their radio station,

they can call me all kinds of names,

they can make me get down
on my knees and beg for my job,

but the one thing that they cannot take away...

from sweet Leon...

is his dignity.

So this is my fabulous yacht.

Or as I like to call it,
my personal "skankuary."

I told you before, Leon,
it's not a yacht if you get mail there.

It's more like a trailer park of the sea.

Yeah, well, even so,

this is what I like to call the L.A. Forum,

because this is where the magic happens.

And the magic just happened once
on that chair that you're touching.

I have performed the magic
once in that wastepaper basket.

You know, I actually had to get the
magic cleaned from out of this curtain.

That was a long shot. Wore me out.

Let's get you into bed, okay?

- Here.
- Officer, no.

Come on. Let's see if we can get you into bed.

Watch it. Ow!

- I'm sorry, Julie.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait. Come on.

- I'm sorry.
- It's okay.

Listen, I handle my drink better than today.

- I've seen you. I know.
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry about the firing.

- It's okay just lie down.
- You deserve better.

- It's okay. We're gonna be fine.
- You should be with a professional.

Mrs. Robinson, are you trying to seduce me?

No, I'm not.

In fact, I'm looking around this place...

and I can't understand why anyone
would ever want to seduce you.

That is why.

You've gotta be kidding.

Mm-mmm.

- "Pina Colada Butt Lotion"?
- Mm-hmm.

Where do you even find this stuff?

Mostly at K-Mart and Wal-Mart.

And why do you have a water bed
when you live on a boat?

Oh, it's because there's
more motion in the ocean.

Come on in, baby. The water's fine.

- So Julie?
- Huh?

Are we going to do it?

No, we are not going to do it.

I would hate to see you as an old man, Leon.

You are gonna be one sorry sight.

- Where you going?
- I'm going home.

The job search starts tomorrow.

Oh, boy.

Smiley...

ass tattoo.

"Victims of the smiling ass."

"Have you seen this ass?"

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

"Welcome to the V.S.A."

"Victims of the Smiling Ass."

"We will have our revenge."

Well, let me tell you a little bit about WRQE.

We play all the biggest names
in soft rock and light jazz.

Folks like Enya, Yanni, Tesh.

I don't know if you've heard of a lady
who goes by the name of Celine Dion.

No, who is that?

I have to say I've heard of you,
but I'm not too familiar with your show.

I don't stay up that late anymore.

- Do you have a tape I could listen to?
- I'm afraid we don't-

Yeah, actually, we do. This should give you...

a good idea of what we can bring to your station.

Fantastic.

Let's see what we've got here.

You know, clinically speaking,
doing it doggy style has-

There's some racy stuff at the beginning,
but you can speed through it.

All right.

Yeah.

Sounds like the answer for you
is doing it doggy style.

Just speed through. Same stuff.

Boy, excuse me. Anyways, doggy style--

You can speed right through that part too.

Yeah, see, you was kicked in the scrotum.

Or as they say in the medical
profession, the ball sac.

You can skip through that part.

Well, you know, the scientific
name is the "Hershey Highway."

Speed on through.

Hey. But that is the only tape.

The tape is important. There's people looking.

That's not- Don't-

- Miss, uh, Simmons?
- Yes.

Uh, let's see.

Oh, very nice. Very nice.

- Thank you.
- And, uh-

Mr. Phelps.

Yeah, that's me.

I'm presently in the process of getting
my resume typed up over at Kinko's.

- Kinko's. Good people. Nice.
- Yeah.

I see under interests, you've written "Debit"?

No, that's "da butt".

- "Da butt"?
- Yeah. And I also like tennis.

Good, good.

Well, Mr. Phelps, today might be your lucky day.

Our morning anchor quit, out of the blue.

And we are desperate for
someone to fill her old slot.

Well, that's no problem,

'cause I have a lot of experience
at filling other people’s slots.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

You mean you've filled
other people's slots before?

- Yeah, this morning.
- Fantastic. You got the job.

Really?

Yeah, absolutely.

Well, welcome to WPJT Radio.

Well, welcome to WPT Radio.

What's happening? And welcome to The Ladies--

Uh, The Lord's Man Show.

Um- So, I understand that you are a nun?

- Yes, that's right.
- Yeah, that's cool.

And how long have you been, uh, "nunning" it up?

For about thirty years now.

Yeah. Well, congratulations. That's good.

Now, I understand that your work...

takes you all around the world, is that right?

Yes, that is correct. In fact,
I'll be leaving the country...

very soon to assume a missionary position.

I'm sorry. What was that?

I'm going to assume a missionary position,

and I'll probably be holding it for a very longtime.

Yeah, well, that's-- that's interesting.

Um- So, where will you be holding this-

- Missionary position? In Bangkok.
- Yeah.

Bangkok. Yeah. That's, uh, cool.

So why don't we talk about something else.

Bangkok is lovely. In fact,
I'm looking forward to taking it all in.

Hmm.

But it can get a little steamy.

Have you ever gone down the Yellow River?

Yeah, once in the '80s, but I did not enjoy it.

What about a missionary position?

Have you ever known the joys
of a missionary position?

Yeah, okay.

Here's a story I'm gonna tell you.
It goes a little something like this.

I was with these two girls, right?

And so I was doing the twin sisters
and then her mother walks in,

and her mother has a video camera.

So she puts it on the tripod
and she starts to ram it.

It was sort of a missionary position--

Yeah? Well, up yours too.

Oh, well, on to the next one.

Next one? There is no next one.

That's nonsense, Julie. There's
that kiddie station up in Wilmette.

Leon, we may never work in radio again.

No, listen, Julie. That is where you are wrong.

We'll get out of this mess. Trust me.

Last time I trusted you, you told the
city of Chicago to do it in the butt.

Yeah. Well, there was no way to predict
that that was gonna end up so badly.

- But look, it'll be different this time.
- Whatever, Leon.

I need to think this through.
You call me when you come back to reality.

Don't you worry, Julie. I'm a man of action.

I have a plan for this type of thing.

There's only one thing to do.

I'm must go and have sex...

and wait for something to randomly happen.

It'll work out, you’ll see.

It will randomly work out!

Score! Score! Score!

Yeah. Whoo!

Well, I just had sex, and-

- U.S. Mail!
- There's the random occurrence.

I hate the houseboat guy.

Hey, what's happenin'?

Shh. I was bonin' a lady inside.

Say, look at this.
It's a telegram from Jimmie Walker.

- Really?
- Ooh, it says, "Urgent."

"Dear Leon. Stop. The '70s are over. Stop."

Let me see that.

Here's your- Oops.

I seem to be dropping all your mail.

- I guess I'm a clumsy mailman.
- You're a bad mailman.

And this is not from Jimmie Walker.

Let's see here.

Gas bill.

Houseboat bill. Electrical bill.

Ooh, what is this?

Ooh. It's a lady.

"Dearest Leon, I know it's been a long-"

"My back pressed against the washing machine-"

"Money-"

This is it!

"Dearest Leon,"

"I know it has been a longtime since
we parted ways that fateful night,"

"but I still remember the
tender moments we spent together."

"The feeling of your skin pressed up against mine."

"The feeling of my back pressed up
against the wall of the Laundromat."

"I remember how you said I was your one true love."

"Time has changed nothing."

"I want you even more."

"And I have all the money we'll
ever need to make a fresh start."

"Come back to me, Leon. I'm waiting for you-"

"and I've never stopped thinking of myself-"

"the way you always used to describe me-"

"as your very special Sweet Thing."

- You gotta be kidding me.
- Uh-uh.

This is the answer to all your unemployment problems?

- Who is she?
- I don't know.

- You don't know?
- Uh-uh.

As you can see, she did not sign her name,

so I guess she thought I knew who she was.

Cuckoo, cuckoo. Yeah.

All I know is that all my
problems, they are now solved.

Leon, all your problems will be solved
when you get a job like normal people.

How am I supposed to do that?
We tried every radio station in town.

Not every one. I can still
pull a favor, hopefully,

over at WAMS from Cyrus.

Cyrus Cunningham? Your ex-fiance?

The one that dumped you?

The one with the three-inch penis?

No, Julie, listen. I can't stand the idea of you...

crawling back to that jerk
just because I got both of us fired.

Listen, baby, the answer to all of our troubles...

is in this rich lady's letter and her money.

Her money. Leon, this is a love
letter, not a lottery ticket.

This is a woman who cared for you,

who you called by a special pet name.

- Who you called-
- Hey, Sweet Thing.

Hi. Can I get some more
waffles down here? Thank you.

I'm sorry. What were you saying, sweet thing?

I'm, uh- I'm sorry about the door.

Do I have the right place? I was just-

Wow! You're huge.

We know who you are, Barney.

I think you'll be glad that you decided to come.

What-What is this?

- These are people just like you, Barney.
- Hi, Barney.

They, too, have had their lives shattered...

by the sight of that man's ass.

I caught this mysterious tattooed
guy and my wife going at it...

in July 1992.

Spring of '89.

December 1994.

November of '95.

And then April of '96.

And then again in June of '96.

And then twice more on January 15,1997.

And three more times in the spring of '99-

Arbor Day, Cinco de Mayo, and Flag Day.

That's Hal. Don't make any sudden moves around him.

It's all right, man.

What about you? I mean, what's your story?

It was April 1990.

I was in training for the U.S. Olympic Team.

My Sport:

Greco-Roman wrestling.

My wife and I didn't have a perfect marriage.

Maybe I didn't understand her needs.

But she definitely didn't understand my passion...

for wrestling.

She didn't understand why Brian,
my wrestling partner, and I...

trained constantly.

She didn't understand the thrill any man would feel...

after grabbing a big, husky guy like Brian...

and pinning him down to the ground...

until he squirms and squeals like a little piglet.

One night, I went out to train...

at-at Brian's.

I returned home only to find my wife lying there...

with a faraway look.

I noticed an open window,

and out of it I saw our man
running through the parking lot.

I would’ve chased after him, but I was too sore.

From the training.

Of course, the training.

Right. After that, I discovered
there were others like me,

and I formed this group.

The point is,

we may not know his name, but we're onto him.

And one day, he'll slip up.

And when he does, we're gonna be there to nail him,

and cut his balls off!

Okay, sorry. Sorry, everyone.

Maybe we won't actually go that far.

That's yucky.

Well, you don't have to wait for him to slip up.

He already has.

'Cause when he ran out of my apartment-

Look! He's a circus clown!

Yeah, we already know about the clothes.

He runs out of all of our
houses bare-assed, you know.

The clothes really haven't given us anything.

What?

Damn it!

I mean, there must be some way
to catch this woman's dude.

Gentlemen,

prepare for battle.

Listen up, everybody. This will be...

our general area of our search, okay?

Now, years ago I was in the army,

and we spent a lot of time in this area here.

The army, they called it Asia,

but I like to call it Freaky-Deeky Sex World.

Scrap Iron, you're my man.

This will be your area. I suggest that

you stick to the back streets and the whorehouses.

- I'm right on it.
- Good'.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Scrap, wait a minute. Leon.

This postmark is from Chicago.

- Hey.
- Let me see that, Lester.

If the lady lives right here
in Chicago, that ought to be easy.

I mean, you could find all the women
you been with in town, right?

That's a very good question, Candy. Yes, I can,

because I have written the names of all
of my very special sweet ladies down...

in this, my black book.

- Look at that thing.
- And in addition to that,

I have made these photocopies
for you all to take a look at.

- That's for you, Lester.
- You have any idea who this woman is?

Yes, I do, because when I read this letter,

I hear a voice that I connect to a face.

And because I have what is called 20-20 memory,

that tells me that this is
my very special Sweet Thing.

Leon Phelps.

- You miserable, fatheaded jackass.
- Theresa!

What the hell are you doing here?
I hoped you were dead.

No, I'm not dead. Surprise.

- Ew!
- What?

You expect me to let you stick your
tongue in my mouth after two years?

Yes, I do. Ooh, Courvoisier.

Let's have a drink. Come on in, baby.

This is nice.

Leon, why haven't you called me?

This is the thing. They kept changing
all those collect call phone numbers,

so it became really difficult
for me to use the telephone.

- Shut it up. I can't believe this.
- Okay.

I meet you under the stands at a dog
track. You sweet-talk me into leaving.

Next thing, I'm busting slobs with you
in a bathroom of a Chuck E. Cheese.

You called me your sweet thing.

Wait a second. It says here
we did it in a laundromat.

- What?
- Yeah.

Didn't you send me a note about getting
together and sharing your money, love?

Mistakes are sometimes funny.

Listen, I could really use that drink now.

All right, that's nice.
I got everything but the glass.

- Rot in hell, Leon.
- Yes, I heard you the first time.

No, no, no, no, no. I hope you burn in hell.

- Yes, duly noted.
- Rotting and burning.

- Yes, in hell. I got you.
- Your mother looks like Florida Evans!

Listen, there's no reason to go there.

You mud duck! Quack on.

Hey, Sandra, it's me, Leon. What's happening?

- Hey, Margie. What's up? It's Leon.
- Hi.

How you doing? Good to see you.

I'm sorry to interrupt you.
Yeah, I know you gotta go.

- Listen, did you write this letter?
- What?

No? Okay. Go on up there.
Have a good time tonight.

Play some Al Green and smack her
on the ass. She likes that.

Hey. How you doin'?

Hey, what's happening, Evelyn? I remember-

That was not a good idea.

What's happening, Chicago?

Ladies, if you are rich and I boned you,

could you please meet me at the nacho cart?

Also, if you are rich and you want to be boned,

would you please meet me at the nacho cart?

- Hey, Lester.
- I stepped in a time machine.

Look at this place. This place is disgusting.

You don't have to stay long.
just long enough to meet Leon.

I'm telling you, he's just what your station needs.

- Leon, this is Cyrus.
- Cyrus Cunningham.

Yeah, this is the guy that dumped you.

You're a lot shorter than I expected.
But the hair and the shoes help out.

Well, Julie, sweetheart, I said
I would meet your friend, and I have.

I wasted a lot of my time in the process.

Obviously, you haven't grown up
much since our little mistake.

Look, Cyrus, why don't you
just listen for a second?

WAMS has done quite well
without the help of rejects...

and winos and ditsy women who think
they can run with the big boys.

If you need a temp job, let me know,
okay? Gotta go. Love your place.

Listen, don't talk to Julie like that.

Excuse me. What was that, little man?

I said that you don't talk to Julie like that.

Don't push up on me in front of your peeps, okay?

Don't let the smooth taste
fool you. I'm from the streets.

Oh, yeah? Well, I still live in the streets,

and will occasionally find
myself waking up in the streets.

That's right. That's right.

Gentlemen, there will be no fighting in this bar.

All right, fine. We can take it outside.

Listen, I'm sorry.
We-We got off on the wrong foot here.

Um, why don't we just let bygones be bygones?

Whatever you say, sugar. That's fine with me.

Listen, how about you have a-
I'd like to offer you a pickled pig's feet.

I don't think so.

Come on, Johnny Mathis.

- You said you from the streets.
- Yeah.

Yeah, well, Julie told me
that while they were datin',

there were some things that
Cyrus didn't have a taste for.

- Interesting.
- Hey, hey, hey.

It ain't no thing, all right? It ain't no thing.

I was raised on pig's feet.

I can eat this. Fine. I can eat it.
If this is what you want, fine.

- This is what you want me to do?
- Mm-hmm.

Just to impress you and the rest
of the Sunshine Band, I'll eat it.

That's fine.

See? I'll eat it here. Cut it up a
little bit and eat it like that. See?

There.

Perhaps you thought I'd recoil
from your bar food, but-

- You want some pickled eggs?
- I'd love some pickled eggs.

One pickled dish at a time. Why are we gonna--

Okay, I'll stay for one pickled egg.

Look, everybody. People are
actually eating the bar food.

All right, boys, eat up. The food is free.

- It disappears.
- Pickled egg you want, you got.

This ain't the welfare. This is the good stuff.

- Hey, how about some prairie oysters?
- Ooh, prairie oysters!

- They are really good.
- Come on. Bring it on. Let's go.

- Look like a chitlin to me.
- Prairie oysters. Mmm!

Oh, yeah, look at that. Oh, yeah, it's fresh.

This is gonna be so good. I haven't
had these since yesterday.

- Mmm!
- It's an acquired taste.

Take your time.

Hmm? Good, huh?

Spicy hog balls.

Not the hog balls.

Spicy hog balls. Where'd you find these?

Ooh, look at that. They got two balls.

And they going right down here.

Oh! Yes, indeed. Look at them.

Eat all you want, boys. Eat all you want.

Show him how to do it, Leon.

How you boys doing?

So, is that it?

I've eaten more exotic foods than that.

- How about a piece de resistance?
- Hmm.

- Back-bottom gristle lumps.
- Special of the house.

Practically nobody eats these.

- I don't remember those on the menu.
- Oh, these are good.

These are new. The best!

- These are mine.
- No, no, no. No way. No way!

- They're mine.
- Get the hell off of them!

Jeez!

Don't be fighting over
gristle lumps. Come on, now.

There you go, now. That's a
nice one. That's a nice one.

- just some gristle lumps.
- Gristle lump you want, you got.

I got your gristle lump.

Savor the flavor.

Got some hot sauce to go with that too.

- Mmm. I did it.
- That's right. You sure did.

- I did it.
- You did it. I'm proud of you.

I did it. I did it!

I've never seen anything like this in my life.

Boy, you just done ate some shit.

- Some what?
- You just ate some human shit.

Human shit? Human shit?

Why would you bottle human shit?

What possible holiday would
you bottle human shit for?

- Funniest idea yet!
- You people are sick!

That's the first time it's ever worked.

We scored so big.

You know that that was our
last chance at a steady paycheck.

- Mm-hmm.
- But I feel good. I feel real good.

Well, that's good,
because listen, there's no way...

that I was gonna let that dude
disrespect my Julie twice.

So, listen, excuse me.

I will be going to the bathroom
to puke up a hog ball.

Gentlemen, we've been waiting
for this day for a longtime.

This man, this "Ladies Man,"

thought he could take something
from us, something we hold sacred.

- Our manhood. Was he successful?
- No!

No, he was not. Why?
Because we're men among men.

- That's right! Yeah!
- Super men!

And from this moment on,
I declare our supreme manliness!

♪ I feel like this is something really special ♪

♪ Something tells me this is truly grand ♪

♪ I've got a brand-new lease on life now ♪

♪ And it's all because we're gonna get The Ladies Man ♪

That's right!

♪ All at once the search is truly over ♪

♪ Everything is happening as planned ♪

♪ I hope he's naked and good-looking ♪

♪ And it's all because we're gonna get this Ladies Man ♪

♪ That's right! ♪

♪ When we catch him, we're gonna cut his balls off. ♪

♪ I don't know what I'm feeling ♪

♪ I never felt like this before ♪

♪ I want to sing from a mountaintop ♪

♪ And let my true heart soar ♪

♪ I can't believe it's finally over ♪

♪ All of my dreams are near at hand ♪

♪ I'm gonna kill that dirty bastard ♪

♪ I'm gonna kill that dirty bastard ♪

♪ The time has come to kill The Ladies Man ♪

♪ The time has come to kill The Ladies Man ♪

His name is Leon Phelps. I fired him a week ago.

Say, is that a picture of him over there?

Yes. Yes, it is. That's your man.

That's, uh- That's Leon Phelps.

Leon Phelps.

Where might we find this Leon Phelps?

Oh, you might try his houseboat,

or that gin tank called Lester's Lounge.

And when you find him, tell him
to come in and pick up this crap.

- What's this?
- Fan mail...

from all the sluts he's been banging
for the past couple of years.

A lot of these are from my wife.

- You thought I wrote this?
- Yeah, I did.

Sorry, Leon. I'm not really
interested in settling down right now.

You're on in ten minutes.

Excuse me. I'll just be a minute changing.

This is a nice place. It looks like
you've finally made the big-time.

Yeah, my work is everything to me right now.

That's why I couldn’t dream of settling down.

In fact, the only thing that ever compared,

to the thrill of my performances,

were those wild nights we had together in bed.

Yeah, we did some pretty messed-up junk.

- Hey, Leon.
- Yes?

I've got a crazy idea.

I've got a few minutes before I go on.

Let's have a quickie for old time's sake.

That's not a crazy idea.
I like that idea and I will support it.

Let's do it like we used to- real nasty!

Listen, maybe it's not a good idea.
We don't have the time to do this.

We'll do it real quick. Come on,
baby. You know what Bloopy likes.

Okay, listen, Bloopy?

I'm about to go on. I have to stay in character.

Now, give it to me, you stud.

- Take it easy there, Bloopy.
- Bloopy's gonna lick you all over.

Okay, listen. I don't know.

Oh, what the hell.

♪ I can't believe it's finally over ♪

♪ All of my dreams are near at hand ♪

♪ I'm gonna kill that dirty bastard ♪

♪ The time has come to kill The Ladies Man ♪

♪ The time has come to kill The Ladies Man ♪

♪ That's right! ♪

- Hal, why don't you just-
- Yeah.

He's not here, guys.

This stinks.

♪ This stinks, he's not here and this stinks ♪

♪ And we know why he's not here because he's not ♪

♪ He's gone ♪

So, this is where he lives.

Well, tasteful.

Gentlemen, let's torch it.

- Hey,
- Let’s go!

We really didn't think that through.

That place was full of pleather and cologne.

It was quite a thrill,
though, when it went up in flames.

Ah, gentlemen, can I help you?

- A round of beers for my men.
- Yeah!

- There something else I can help with?
- I think there is. My card.

We're also looking for this man.

His name is Leon Phelps.

He also goes by "The Ladies Man."

- You guys friends of his?
- You might say that.

We want to kill him.

Well, he doesn't hang out here.

What would you want to kill
a guy like that for anyway?

He's a dangerous thief of hearts.

He seduced my wife. He screwed all our women!

Yeah!

- That's why you want to kill Phelps.
- Oh, yeah.

Yeah, that's why we wanna
kill him. And we're going to.

We're going to catch him and
cut off his tiny little pecker.

- Tiny little pecker? You're not talking about Leon-
- That's him!

Get him!

- See you later!
- How does he do it?

- He's outsmarted us again.
- Lance, his little black book.

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes, this is good.

This is very good!

- Why is it very good?
- It's the book of all of his numbers.

This is not cool. This is unfair.

I did not do anything to deserve this.

My houseboat. It's my houseboat!

Why?

This is how my uncle taught us to drink tea.

You put your pinkie up.
Then take it to your lips, like this.

Julie. Come on in.

Your friend Leon has made some suggestions...

pertaining to us and our love life.

I'm so glad you invited Leon here
to spend this time with us.

I didn't invite Leon-

As far as I'm concerned,
he can stay as long as he wants.

- I'll drink to that.
- I do too.

If you got some Courvoisier,
we could pour some of that in here too.

Julie, when am I gonna see your room?

Julie, when am I gonna see your room?

♪ I am Julie's piano ♪

♪ I am Julie's piano ♪

That's a song I wrote for you.

Look, you got your nice
little stuffed animals there.

And look at that nice poster of Rick Astley.

Okay, I told you this was temporary.

- You don't have to tease me.
- Yes, I do.

I'd like to remind you, young lady,

about the “trailer park of the sea“
line, my houseboat...

which I don't have anymore.

Oh, man.

You know something, Julie?
I'm realizing that my life really sucks.

You know whose fault it is, don't you?

It is the fault of the Wang.
I should cut this thing off.

- You're not gonna cut it off.
- I know.

That's the craziest thing I've ever thought of.

But I just can't live like this anymore.

I'm so tired of being "The Ladies Man."

You know, you were never "The Ladies Man" to me.

- Really?
- Really.

No, to me you've always been
just plain old Leon Phelps.

A lonely, misguided...

idiot.

You know something Julie? Hmm?

I think that you wrote the mystery letter.

Yeah! Leon, I've never had sex with you,

especially not in a laundromat.

Yeah, that is true.

You know what?

It would’ve been really nice
if you had written this letter.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

You know, a girl like you, that's what I need.

I don't need some crazy mystery lady.

Well, how could you find a girl like me?

Yeah, how can I find a girl like you?

She'd have to be single.

- That would be really nice this time.
- Yeah.

And she'd have to be attractive.

Yeah, well, you have that.

She'd have to have parents that
wouldn’t throw you off the porch.

Yeah, that would be really nice.

And she'd have to have
known you long enough...

to finally realize what a wonderful
person you're capable of being.

Julie, can you do that again?

That's it.

- That is it.
- What? What?

Delanue.

DeLune!

DeLune, DeLune.

Honey DeLune!

Sweet Thing is Honey DeLune!

That is it!

Oh, my God!

I am rich!

Look out, Chicago! The Ladies Man is back!

Yes!

Well, there goes Leon Phelps,
chasing his dream.

But here's a funny thing
about running after a dream-

sometimes what you were dreaming
about was in front of you all along.

Lester, could you just shut up and
give me the number for Honey DeLune?

Right.

Just thought you could use a little advice.

Okay.

- Hello?
- Guess who, Sweet Thing!

Leon? Leon Phelps?

That's right, baby.
It's your laundromat love machine.

Oh, my God! It is!

- So you got my letter, right?
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, when so much time went by, I thought...

maybe you didn't want to have
anything to do with me.

- I guess that was silly, huh?
- Yes, it was.

It was downright stupid, baby.

Ever since we last saw each other,

- I have had this aching in my soul.
- Oh, you did?

Yeah. How about I come over there and
go to town on your money and your ass?

Oh! Heh-heh!

Oh, uh, Leon, you're gonna have
to give me a little bit of time.

- What the hell for?
- To tie up some loose ends.

Baby, I want to leave my whole life
behind and run away with you.

How does a trip around
the world sound for starters?

- Are you paying for it?
- Of course.

- Well, that sounds good.
- Wonderful.

Um, come by and pick me up
tomorrow night. Okay?

All right. Sure, Sweet Thing. Ha ha!

- You talking on the phone just now?
- No, sweetheart.

Good.

- Nice try, my friend.
- Hello, Mrs. DeLune.

Hi, Brian.

Here comes the pterodactyl. Hope you like it.

Hey!

- Yo!
- What's up, Aloysius?

- My main man!
- I need some new stuff.

- Man, I got you covered, baby.
- This is all right.

- This is the darkest brown you got?
- Yeah.

- German chocolate. Can't get no deeper.
- Yeah. Aloysius...

- I think you got a deal.
- Yeah. Mm!

Mm!

Yeah.

That's fight.

Mm-hmm. Player of the year.

You the man now.

Cleaner than a broke-dick dog.

- Hey, Leon!
- Yeah, that's right. It's me.

Hey, there, Leon!

- You like that?
- I don't believe this.

Custom-made, $100.

- You look like Monkey D.
- Thank you very much.

I just got off the phone with my Sweet Thing.

She is gonna take me on a trip around the world.

Wow! Where you gonna go, Leon?

Well, basically, around the world, you know.

We'll go to Paris, of course. We might go to France.

Acapulco, Sweden, maybe the Solomon Islands.

- You know.
- Well, Leon, you finally made good.

That's the way I like to look at it, you know.

When a man works hard all his life,

and dorks hundreds of ladies,
many of whom he don't even remember,

you'd like to think that at the end of the day,

he'll be given a lot of money
without having to earn it.

I believe that, yes.

So, yes, I think I have found
true happiness. And I raise my glass.

- To happiness.
- To happiness.

- Happiness.
- Thank you.

That is good Courvoisier.

I would love to stay and have
another one, like I usually do,

but I cannot keep the future
Mrs. Leon Phelps waiting.

So I bid you adieu. See you
on the other side of the tracks.

- Take care of yourself.
- All right, Scrap.

Julie, you made it just in time.

I'm on my way to see the girl of my dreams.

Yeah. Now, that's what I'm talkin' about.

Leon Phelps.

- Damn!
- Baby, what happened to your face?

This is nothin'. It's just one
of those Biore patches, that's all.

Sorry about that. I brought you some flowers.

They look and feel plastic, but they smell real.

And also I bought you a box
of my favorite Mexican wine.

It's a little heavy.

Well, you've always been so... giving.

Why don't you come on in?

I will. This is my house, after all. Right?

I mean, this is my statue, and this is my carpet.

This is my mirror.

That's my urn.

And that is my frieze.

Why don't you go have a seat in the
living room, and I'll fix you a drink.

Yeah, that sounds good.

Let me see if I remember- Cour-

Courvoisier, yes. That is the drink.

Yeah. This is a nice place you got here.

It's no houseboat, but it's nice.

Can we sell it? Just kiddin'.

My God, this is a butt-load of cash you got here.

- Is this ours?
- Well, it's ours now.

Well, that's nice, but you should
put that in a safer place,

like a bank or somethin'.

Stop talking.

- I want you to take me, wild man.
- Now?

Yes, now. My husband won't be back for hours.

- Your husband.
- Yeah. It's no big deal.

You might have to kill him,
but I don't think it'll come to that.

You better be sure it's safe, because
I can guarantee if it was not safe...

I would never do something of this nature.

Because over the years I have learned to not do

unsafe things, you understand.

- Because-
- Shut up and kiss me.

Okay, listen, this is very nice, but-

Okay-- Hey, macarena.

Listen, this is not cool.

Why don't we talk first?
We never get to really- Whoa!

- We're never gonna catch this guy.
- Calm down, Barney.

You've gotta take that
defeatist attitude and subdue it.

Wrestle it to the ground.

Pin its-its well-oiled and...

musky form down hard.

Let it feel your-your...

soft breath on- on the back of its neck.

I mean- You know what I'm

trying to get at.

- Oh, yeah. Oh, sure.
- You bet.

- Yes! Yes! Yes!
- No, no. No.

- Listen, I can't do it.
- What?

- I can't do it. It's not workin'.
- It looks fine.

Oh, no, that is workin'. Yeah.

But I can't do it. Somethin' is wrong.

You see, I--

I know I'm in control of my personal world.

Nothing will ever violate my-

my personal space.

That's for sure. Whoops. Butterfingers.

Let me just grab these keys,
and we'll be right inside.

Something is wrong. I can't do this.

- You know, I think that I'm in love.
- What?

Yeah. When you sent that letter,
all I could think about was the money.

But then when we started to do it, all
I could think about was Julie's face.

I don't mean like thinkin' about some
hot chick when you're bonin' a skank.

This was sensitive.

Gentlemen, please step into the serenity...

of my beautiful foyer.

- All right.
- All right.

Listen- Listen, Honey,
I don't think this is a good idea.

- I'm telling you--
- Remember how--

Yeah, I know-- Gettin' it together.

Hi, sweetheart. Have you met Leon Phelps?

Yeah, what's happenin'?

- Son of a bitch!
- Don't say "son of a bitch."

That's not nice. What's wrong with you fellas?

Oh, my God!

- My wife had that?
- Yeah, she did.

I can understand you bein' angry,

but you can't blame the wang.

- Well, he's got a point.
- I mean, that's a beauty.

Kill him!

- Yeah!
- Yeah! No!

Yeah, you heard what he said. No!

I've waited longer for this than anyone.

Gentlemen... he's mine.

And he's dead.

♪ Don't drink so much whiskey, girl ♪

♪ It ain't no good for you
You know you're too pretty, girl ♪

♪ You don't know what whiskey can do to you ♪

Talk to her, Lord. Please talk to her.

I told you we were a lot alike.

It's all right, baby. Men are pigs.

The only way to deal with them is booze.

Booze... and penicillin.

I swear, I never thought
I could be taken in again...

by another insincere man.

Easy. Easy, girl. That's one
rambunctious guzzle you got there.

I drank that one for Leon's one true love.

Rot in hell, Honey DeLune.

In hell!

Did you say that woman's name was Honey DeLune?

That's what she said.

If that's her name,
Leon is in a whole lot of trouble.

Why is that?

That's the wife of the dude who wants to kill Leon.

- Somebody wants to kill Leon?
- Mm-hmm.

- My Leon?
- Yup.

Lance! Lance! Lance! Lance!

Lance! Lance! Lance! Lance!

Lance! Lance! Lance! Lance!

Lance! Lance! Lance! Lance!

- Lance! Lance! Lance! Lance!
- I am going to wrestle you.

You really don't have to do this.

I was just saying to your wife
Honey that I'm a changed man.

And if I can have the self-control
to not bone a lady as fine as she is-

She can do that amazing thing with her tongue--

that should be reason enough to let me go.

Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill!

Oh, yes. I'm going to enjoy this.

Oil?

- No, that's all right.
- Oh.

Well, I- I'm still going to enjoy this.

But definitely not as much.
And that makes me angry.

I am a master of Greco-Roman wrestling.

I will crush you,

and you will learn a new definition of pain!

Sure you don't want a dab? It's
a lemon essence, and it is delightful.

You'd better take the oil, Leon.
It's pretty rough without the oil.

- No, that's all right. I’m good.
- Okay. Suit yourself.

And Lance, dear, can you kick ass quietly?

10-4, apricot.

Now, Leon Phelps, prepare to meet your doom.

Cry havoc, and set free the dogs of war!

Vengeance is mine!

- Ow! You punched me.
- Yeah.

That is not wrestling! Hello!

Boss, you want us to let him go now, or-

- He's got a gun!
- What, are you crazy, round boy?

No, we don't let him go! Get back in there!

This guys ruined my life!

Get me the bolt cutters.

- This man has stolen our manhood
- Cuckoo!

It's time to take it back.

- Cut his balls off!
- Wait a second!

- Aarrgh!
- Before you do what you're about to do,

there's something I want to say, all right?

Now listen. All you men here
with wives or girlfriends,

or sisters or mothers,

yes, I did sex them up a little bit.

- Kill him!
- There's something else I wanna say.

In most cases, it was really good.

- Kill!
- No, hold on!

I didn't force myself onto your women.

I simply gave them somethin'
that you all wasn't givin' them.

- Like Frank. You, for instance.
- Yeah?

- Your wife, she loves you, man.
- She does?

Yes. She always used to call your name
when I was rockin' on top of her.

- She did?
- Yeah. And Hal.

- Me?
- Hal, Hal, Hal.

All your old lady ever wanted was you
to spend time gettin' her in the mood.

- Really?
- Yeah. And you never did, did you?

- Say it loud.
- No.

You see?

And Lance. Well, Lance, you're clearly gay.

There's nothing really else to say
about that. I think you all know that.

That's cool. But you were tryin' to
oil me up, and that's not really cool.

You all need to listen to your ladies.

You need to say to her,
"Baby, what is it that you want?"

Or, "Do you want to do it in the butt?"

"No? Well, let's move onto somethin'
else." You just need to listen.

I know that now, because I,
too, have a woman that I love.

Her name is Julie, and I never listened to her.

I was too busy trying to be
Leon Phelps, The Ladies Man,

instead of Leon Phelps, the man.

- Leon-
- Just a second, Julie, I got- Julie!

That was beautiful.

You're not getting off the hook this time.

- No, Lance, no!
- Lance, Lance.

Nuts! Al's right.

- Hey, hey! Watch it!
- He's not the problem.

I-I'm the problem.

Look what it's done to us.

- It's turned us crazy!
- Whoa! Whoa!

I'm sorry, Lance. I'm going home.

No-o-o!

No!

Lance!

Lance!

Lance!

I'm sorry. That was way too dramatic.

I'm actually with these guys.
You're all right in my book.

- See you later.
- Take care.

Well, there goes Leon Phelps.

His days as the fastest and loosest
wang in town may be over,

but it's not the end of
his story by a long shot.

In fact, he got-

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Let's go.
- Yes. Let's.

In fact, Leon got his show back.

His popularity grew and grew until he
was one of the biggest deejays in town.

His face appeared on the nation's
most popular brand of hog balls.

Ladies Man became America's
number-one radio talk show.

Your husband is a little insecure
because he's retirin', that's all.

Don't worry. It's a passing thing. Okay, Hillary?

Now, I will see you and Bill
this weekend. Okay? Bye-bye.

You're listening to The Ladies Man,
the coast-to-coast love line...

with all the right responses
to your romantic queries.

And I think we got time for one more call.

- Hello? Ladies Man?
- Hey, it's a lady.

How do you know when
you're really, truly in love?

That's a good question.

I can tell you how I felt
when I knew I was truly in love.

It happened when I met someone...

that made everything that I enjoy in life

a little bit more special.

Plus, I felt it in my pants.

Well. that is all the time we have.

Until next time, this has been The Ladies Man.