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{\an8}Please welcome to the stage,
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{\an8}Jim Jefferies!
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Hello, Toronto.
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Alright.
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Alright, look at this.
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We're all out.
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No more fucking masks!
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I hated the masks.
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I'll tell you who's
gonna miss the masks:
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chicks with good bodies but shit faces.
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Haven't they been getting away
with murder the entire pandemic?
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In Australia, we call them prawns
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'cause you keep the body
and throw the head away.
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I just got back from touring Australia,
the whole place was flooded.
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Right?
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Remember three years ago,
the whole place was on fucking fire?
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Remember that? Just before Covid,
all of Australia was on fire
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and we're all like, "The world
can't get any worse than this."
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People died.
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People lost their homes.
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The only thing reported
in North America
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about the fires in Australia was...
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- Koalas.
- The koalas, yes.
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You all seemed very concerned
about the koalas.
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If you saw me, you'd say something.
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"I'm so sorry to hear
about your koalas."
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And I'm like...
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Pretty fucking cut up
about the whole thing.
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How did they get all the press?
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Imagine you're a fucking wombat
and your family's just burnt to death.
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Now I like koalas
as much as the next man...
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but if any animal deserves to die,
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it's the koala.
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The koala is the
laziest animal on Earth.
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It sleeps for 22 hours a day.
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The sloth sleeps for 21.
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It only eats eucalyptus leaves.
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Eucalyptus leaves
are its source of food and water.
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There is a chemical in eucalyptus
that reacts the same way to them
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that THC reacts to us.
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So they're stoned all fucking day.
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Eighty percent of koalas have chlamydia.
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So they're stoned with chlamydia.
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We all have a friend like this.
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And they're up in the tree
with their family,
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just sitting there.
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And the fire's blazing
through the Australian bush.
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And all the other animals
are running and jumping
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in the opposite direction of the flames.
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Not the koala.
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"It's gettin' a bit hot."
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"It's probably just your chlamydia,
love, go back to sleep."
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And then when we have
these natural disasters
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how do we rectify it as a society?
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We get a young Swedish girl
with a twitchy eye to tell us off.
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Fucking Greta gets up there
and she's like,
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"I should be in school."
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Now, I know,
as soon as I mention Greta Thunberg
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that's a triggering thing
for a lot of women.
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A lot of women get upset when
a man my age mentions Greta Thunberg.
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In your brain, a little loop's going on
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going, "How dare you pick
on a 16-year-old girl?
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Who do you think you are?"
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You know what? You're right.
That's wrong.
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But she's 19 now and I fucking waited.
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I waited three long years
to talk about this shit.
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I can say whatever the fuck I want
about a 19-year-old.
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Here's one for you:
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I can fuck Greta Thunberg
and I've done nothing wrong.
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And I wouldn't use a condom either.
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Out of respect for her
and the environment.
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Now,
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I don't have a problem
with Greta fundamentally.
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I agree with everything she's saying.
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I agree with the science.
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I just don't wanna fucking hear it.
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She's always picking on my generation.
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She's like, "Your generation
ruined it for my generation."
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Not "my generation", Greta.
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You're thinking of the cunts before me.
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The generation before me
did fucking nothing.
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My generation
invented the different colored bins.
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That's all I can do, Greta.
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I'm fucking flat out with the different
fucking colored bins.
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The generation before me had one bin
and they threw everything into it.
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They didn't give a fuck.
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And it was a small, steel
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fucking Oscar the Grouch
lookin' fucking bin.
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And it had a lid that fully detached.
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'Cause that generation
was so fucking stupid.
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They hadn't thought
to put a hinge on the bin.
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So the lid and the
bin could be one unit.
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Maybe they talked about it
in the bin factory.
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Someone threw out the idea of the hinge,
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"I reckon we should put on a hinge."
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And then one bloke puts up his hand,
"Yes, Neville?"
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And then Neville goes,
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"But what if the kid
wants to use the lid as a shield?"
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Oh!
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"You fucking got me there, Neville.
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Why would I wanna fuck around
with childhood magic?
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No hinge it is!"
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And then on garbage day...
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the bin company
conveniently put two handles,
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two steel handles,
on the side of the bin.
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So you have a couple
of options on garbage day.
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You can get the bin by one handle,
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and drag it along your driveway with
fucking sparks flying out of the cunt
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and take it out to the curb.
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Or...
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you can pick that bin up with the two
handles and put the wet garbage
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up against your body,
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and you could waddle out to the sidewalk
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like this.
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'Cause that generation
was so fucking stupid...
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they didn't think to put
man's first invention
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on the bottom of the fucking bin.
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They didn't see...
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a heavy object
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that had to be moved on the regular
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00:08:01,120 --> 00:08:04,250
and thought, "Fuck me,
the wheel would nail this one."
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They missed plenty
of these opportunities.
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We didn't have wheels on suitcases
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in any meaningful way
until like the mid-90s.
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No one had wheels on suitcases. I
remember my father being at the airport
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carrying two bags,
another one under his armpit,
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like,
"There's no better way to do this."
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We went to the airport in a fucking car.
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He saw wheels in motion.
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He was holding the wheel the entire
time, couldn't fucking piece it together.
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1971.
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1971 was the first time
the patent office got a patent
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for a suitcase with wheels on it.
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1971 was the first time
anyone on this planet
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thought...
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to put wheels on a suitcase.
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00:09:05,270 --> 00:09:06,940
To put that in context,
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we went to the moon in the 60s.
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00:09:17,490 --> 00:09:22,240
This means that Neil Armstrong
left his house...
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and he said to his wife,
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"Next time you see me,
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I'll be on the moon."
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And he got out to the launchpad,
looked at the rocket majestically.
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00:10:01,700 --> 00:10:02,780
"One day,
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one day they'll put rockets on bags."
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So,
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let's tell some stories.
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This first story
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involves my fried DJ Qualls.
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00:10:26,180 --> 00:10:30,775
Right. You might know him
as the skinny guy from Road Trip
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00:10:30,900 --> 00:10:34,315
or Hustle & Flow, or more importantly,
Billy from Legit.
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Right? So...
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00:10:37,650 --> 00:10:40,735
So DJ... DJ's gay.
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Right? I can tell this story. He knows.
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00:10:45,660 --> 00:10:47,245
He's well-aware. Also...
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00:10:47,370 --> 00:10:50,915
If there are any gay people
in the room this evening, welcome.
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00:10:51,040 --> 00:10:52,455
I...
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00:10:52,580 --> 00:10:54,630
Big fan of the gay community.
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00:10:54,960 --> 00:10:56,795
I've always been pro-gay.
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00:10:56,920 --> 00:10:59,880
I studied musical theater at university.
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00:11:02,720 --> 00:11:05,885
I grew up in Sydney,
one of the gayest cities on Earth.
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00:11:06,010 --> 00:11:08,430
Me and the gays, we're down.
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00:11:09,560 --> 00:11:11,650
In fact, I'd say I'm an advocate.
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They have not said that.
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I like the gays.
I like the LGBTQ community.
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00:11:21,910 --> 00:11:23,200
I like em' all!
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00:11:24,160 --> 00:11:29,040
I like the L, the B,
the G, the T, the Q.
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00:11:29,960 --> 00:11:32,750
In equal measures.
I don't even have a favorite!
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00:11:34,170 --> 00:11:35,710
I like em' all equally.
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00:11:36,460 --> 00:11:38,630
I support them all equally.
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00:11:39,380 --> 00:11:41,430
As individual groups.
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00:11:42,470 --> 00:11:45,850
I do not support them
as a collective group.
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Because they have fucking
nothing in common.
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You have one bloke who's like,
"I like sucking dicks!"
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Another guy goes,
"I wanna cut my dick off!
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00:12:01,530 --> 00:12:03,200
We should be a group!"
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00:12:12,830 --> 00:12:16,710
Which brings us to the trans... people.
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00:12:17,670 --> 00:12:21,595
Uh, look. Hot topic in comedy.
A lot of people are talking about it.
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00:12:21,720 --> 00:12:24,635
I've worked
with trans people for 20 years
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00:12:24,760 --> 00:12:28,055
in this business.
I have no issue with trans people.
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00:12:28,180 --> 00:12:32,685
I think it must be a very hard life.
You know, if there was a surgery
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that I could have for me to stop
hating myself, I'd fucking take it.
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00:12:38,060 --> 00:12:41,445
So I get it. It's not an easy choice.
Right? And then...
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I've got no problems with trans people,
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00:12:44,360 --> 00:12:47,535
I see all the comedians,
there's Chapelle and Gervais
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00:12:47,660 --> 00:12:49,745
and they told those jokes, and, um...
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00:12:49,870 --> 00:12:52,705
Everyone got upset
and there was all this press.
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00:12:52,830 --> 00:12:56,670
And I have no problem with trans people.
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00:12:57,130 --> 00:12:58,465
But I do like press.
190
00:12:58,590 --> 00:13:00,420
So here we go!
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00:13:06,180 --> 00:13:10,435
As I said, I like trans people.
Do you know why I like trans people?
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00:13:10,560 --> 00:13:13,480
I like anyone who's got a good story.
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00:13:15,350 --> 00:13:18,645
If we're at a party and you tell me
you cut your dick off,
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00:13:18,770 --> 00:13:20,730
you've caught my attention.
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00:13:22,280 --> 00:13:24,615
I'll sit and chat to you for a while.
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00:13:24,740 --> 00:13:28,200
I feel like
you might have some tales to tell.
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00:13:31,280 --> 00:13:34,785
Can I empathize completely
with a trans person?
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00:13:34,910 --> 00:13:37,245
I try to, but I can't, really.
199
00:13:37,370 --> 00:13:40,005
Because I'll never know what it's like
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00:13:40,130 --> 00:13:43,505
to hate the body I'm living in so...
Oh, hang on, I do.
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00:13:43,630 --> 00:13:45,215
I...
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00:13:45,340 --> 00:13:49,180
I've never understood this argument.
"I hated the body I live in."
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00:13:49,550 --> 00:13:51,760
That's like 98% of us.
204
00:13:52,100 --> 00:13:54,805
Ninety-eight percent of us
get out of the shower
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00:13:54,930 --> 00:13:57,940
and see ourselves in the mirror
and go, "Aww..."
206
00:14:01,270 --> 00:14:05,650
But I've never wanted to cut my dick off
and that's a fundamental difference.
207
00:14:08,200 --> 00:14:10,785
I do consider myself
a bloke with a six pack
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00:14:10,910 --> 00:14:13,410
and I'd like you to see me
that way as well.
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00:14:16,750 --> 00:14:18,125
I like trans people.
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00:14:18,250 --> 00:14:21,710
I often think
they shouldn't stop transitioning.
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00:14:22,790 --> 00:14:23,770
Keep going!
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00:14:27,010 --> 00:14:28,470
Transition more.
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00:14:30,510 --> 00:14:33,470
You ever see a trans person
and think to yourself,
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00:14:36,600 --> 00:14:38,140
"They could do with more."
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00:14:41,350 --> 00:14:42,770
Let me explain.
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00:14:44,070 --> 00:14:47,365
So when a man becomes a woman
and I will call you a woman
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00:14:47,490 --> 00:14:51,240
or them, they, her, whatever
you wanna be called. I got all day.
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00:14:52,620 --> 00:14:55,865
I'll call you whatever you want,
I regard you as a woman,
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00:14:55,990 --> 00:14:59,415
you've made the decision to change,
I regard you as a woman.
220
00:14:59,540 --> 00:15:03,005
So the surgery, first thing they do
is take the hormones,
221
00:15:03,130 --> 00:15:06,215
it lowers the bone density,
it raises the voice a bit.
222
00:15:06,340 --> 00:15:08,045
Then they go get the surgery.
223
00:15:08,170 --> 00:15:11,465
So the first thing they do is,
they cut the dick off
224
00:15:11,590 --> 00:15:13,800
and they put that on a plate.
225
00:15:15,810 --> 00:15:17,895
I don't... for the life of me,
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00:15:18,020 --> 00:15:21,980
I don't know why people laugh
when I say, "You put that on a plate."
227
00:15:23,100 --> 00:15:26,195
What did you want me to do
in this scenario?
228
00:15:26,320 --> 00:15:29,400
They cut the dick off and they chuck it!
229
00:15:31,320 --> 00:15:33,780
Of course there's a fucking plate!
230
00:15:36,660 --> 00:15:38,705
So they cut the dick off,
231
00:15:38,830 --> 00:15:40,830
now they have to make a hole.
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00:15:41,960 --> 00:15:43,630
So they get a spoon...
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00:15:45,420 --> 00:15:49,170
at this stage, I should mention
that I'm not a doctor.
234
00:15:51,550 --> 00:15:54,340
I have no formal medical training
to speak of.
235
00:15:55,180 --> 00:15:57,470
So I just know this happens. So...
236
00:15:58,680 --> 00:16:00,100
They shovel a hole.
237
00:16:04,150 --> 00:16:06,900
But that's just a hole.
That's not realistic.
238
00:16:07,900 --> 00:16:09,110
You need flaps.
239
00:16:11,400 --> 00:16:14,240
And that's where
the dick meat comes into play.
240
00:16:16,450 --> 00:16:17,430
So they...
241
00:16:17,910 --> 00:16:20,040
They julienne some dick strips...
242
00:16:24,370 --> 00:16:27,210
and they get some 3M double-sided tape.
243
00:16:30,510 --> 00:16:32,510
And they put two on this side
244
00:16:33,340 --> 00:16:35,215
and one on that side.
245
00:16:35,340 --> 00:16:38,970
I don't know a lot about cunts,
but they're not symmetrical.
246
00:16:43,060 --> 00:16:44,310
So...
247
00:16:45,900 --> 00:16:47,735
So then they've made it, right?
248
00:16:47,860 --> 00:16:50,980
That's all really...
That's good now, it's good.
249
00:16:51,740 --> 00:16:56,075
So they grow their hair long,
make sure they're clean shaven, right?
250
00:16:56,200 --> 00:16:58,075
Then they get the fake tits.
251
00:16:58,200 --> 00:17:01,830
Now, here is my problem
where they don't transition enough.
252
00:17:02,750 --> 00:17:05,750
They always get perfect tits.
253
00:17:06,920 --> 00:17:08,080
Believe me.
254
00:17:08,960 --> 00:17:11,460
They always get perfect tits.
255
00:17:12,550 --> 00:17:15,760
And that's not the real
female experience.
256
00:17:16,510 --> 00:17:18,055
They wanna be a real woman,
257
00:17:18,180 --> 00:17:21,560
they gotta get one titty
slightly bigger than the other.
258
00:17:22,270 --> 00:17:24,980
And a nipple covering one for no reason.
259
00:17:26,440 --> 00:17:29,810
You do that, you can play
any sport you want, I reckon.
260
00:17:35,490 --> 00:17:38,870
Then the next one,
so a woman becoming a man.
261
00:17:40,120 --> 00:17:41,530
How would they...
262
00:17:42,620 --> 00:17:43,870
They would have to...
263
00:17:44,500 --> 00:17:47,460
You'd fill that in, wouldn't you?
You'd fill it in?
264
00:17:50,960 --> 00:17:52,210
Cement?
265
00:17:55,170 --> 00:17:57,010
So they cement that in.
266
00:17:59,640 --> 00:18:03,600
Then they have to build a new fresh dick
with that new dick smell.
267
00:18:06,020 --> 00:18:08,900
Maybe that's what
all the excess dick bits...
268
00:18:09,100 --> 00:18:13,695
They build a new dick. A beautiful dick.
You'd ask for a good one, wouldn't ya?
269
00:18:13,820 --> 00:18:17,070
You wouldn't go small.
You'd go, "Give me a nice dick."
270
00:18:17,360 --> 00:18:20,445
Then they take the hormones,
they always grow a beard.
271
00:18:20,570 --> 00:18:23,455
I'd grow a beard too.
I understand that completely.
272
00:18:23,580 --> 00:18:24,870
They cut off the tits.
273
00:18:26,660 --> 00:18:29,420
But they always keep
the full head of hair.
274
00:18:34,050 --> 00:18:36,300
That is not the real male experience.
275
00:18:36,970 --> 00:18:38,965
Whoa!
276
00:18:39,090 --> 00:18:41,215
If they wanna be a real man,
277
00:18:41,340 --> 00:18:42,850
just one of them.
Just one.
278
00:18:43,680 --> 00:18:45,640
Shave the horse-shoe shape in,
279
00:18:47,680 --> 00:18:51,100
and grow a bit out the side
and fuck it, whip it across.
280
00:18:54,270 --> 00:18:58,525
'Cause they will never know the
full pain of male pattern baldness.
281
00:18:58,650 --> 00:19:01,825
It's fucking killer.
If you watch my early specials
282
00:19:01,950 --> 00:19:03,745
I think I've done nine, maybe...
283
00:19:03,870 --> 00:19:06,200
You watch them,
I get hairier and hairier
284
00:19:07,040 --> 00:19:09,330
as I go along.
'Cause I had a transplant
285
00:19:09,910 --> 00:19:10,955
I've had fucking...
286
00:19:11,080 --> 00:19:13,795
I take a tablet every day
for the last 15 years
287
00:19:13,920 --> 00:19:16,050
to keep my hair looking this shitty.
288
00:19:18,550 --> 00:19:22,965
Hey, every single fucking day
I have to take this tablet,
289
00:19:23,090 --> 00:19:25,265
if I stop, my hair falls out.
290
00:19:25,390 --> 00:19:27,095
Gotta keep taking it.
291
00:19:27,220 --> 00:19:30,565
But I have to only take it
every four days now.
292
00:19:30,690 --> 00:19:33,440
If I take it everyday,
my dick doesn't work.
293
00:19:36,820 --> 00:19:39,030
So I have a couple of options in life.
294
00:19:40,650 --> 00:19:43,615
Either I have hair
and I can't fuck anyone,
295
00:19:43,740 --> 00:19:46,280
or I'm bald and no one wants to fuck me.
296
00:19:53,790 --> 00:19:56,130
And people, you mock the bald.
297
00:19:56,540 --> 00:19:59,425
You tease them,
it's like the last physical...
298
00:19:59,550 --> 00:20:02,255
We can't knock the fat anymore,
or this or that.
299
00:20:02,380 --> 00:20:05,475
But it's the last physical thing
people tease about.
300
00:20:05,600 --> 00:20:07,635
"Hey baldy."
They don't give a fuck.
301
00:20:07,760 --> 00:20:11,560
My friend, someone polished his head
at a party with a tea towel.
302
00:20:13,190 --> 00:20:15,395
Right? Fucking terrible shit.
303
00:20:15,520 --> 00:20:16,815
It really hurts.
304
00:20:16,940 --> 00:20:19,855
Losing your hair as
a man is devastating.
305
00:20:19,980 --> 00:20:21,025
Devastating.
306
00:20:21,150 --> 00:20:23,405
So you can't joke about it anymore.
307
00:20:23,530 --> 00:20:27,115
And you're thinking I'm a comedian,
I should have thicker skin.
308
00:20:27,240 --> 00:20:29,535
But no. It's over.
309
00:20:29,660 --> 00:20:34,295
You cannot knock or tease
male pattern baldness anymore.
310
00:20:34,420 --> 00:20:36,915
And these are your rules,
not fucking mine.
311
00:20:37,040 --> 00:20:38,630
And I'll tell you why.
312
00:20:39,090 --> 00:20:40,710
I'll tell you why.
313
00:20:41,260 --> 00:20:43,805
Because one woman once
314
00:20:43,930 --> 00:20:46,760
had her baldness mentioned in jest...
315
00:20:48,470 --> 00:20:51,850
and you all lost your fucking shit,
didn't ya?
316
00:20:52,640 --> 00:20:56,105
Fuck Jada Pinkett Smith
and her bald ass fucking head!
317
00:20:56,230 --> 00:20:58,565
I have zero sympathy!
318
00:20:58,690 --> 00:21:00,940
I hope it never grows back!
319
00:21:04,320 --> 00:21:06,030
She has it easy!
320
00:21:07,990 --> 00:21:13,285
A woman losing their hair is easier
than a man losing their hair.
321
00:21:13,410 --> 00:21:16,290
And I know you don't think it is,
but it fucking is.
322
00:21:17,920 --> 00:21:20,880
First of all,
sympathy out the fucking wazoo.
323
00:21:22,710 --> 00:21:24,880
They get called brave.
324
00:21:26,970 --> 00:21:30,180
Sir, did anyone ever call you brave?
325
00:21:32,640 --> 00:21:34,430
Not fucking one! Not one!
326
00:21:39,440 --> 00:21:41,315
She could've worn a wig.
327
00:21:41,440 --> 00:21:44,315
She could've worn a wig.
No one would've cared.
328
00:21:44,440 --> 00:21:48,575
Men aren't allowed to cover
their baldness up in any fucking way,
329
00:21:48,700 --> 00:21:52,290
and if they do,
they're considered a loser by society.
330
00:21:54,200 --> 00:21:57,415
If a man has a comb over,
as soon as he leaves the room,
331
00:21:57,540 --> 00:21:59,830
you're all making little comments.
332
00:22:00,790 --> 00:22:03,460
"You see the fucking cunt
with the comb over?"
333
00:22:06,050 --> 00:22:07,635
How dare he.
334
00:22:07,760 --> 00:22:11,600
How dare he try to look like
he has hair like everyone else.
335
00:22:16,350 --> 00:22:18,015
Not allowed to wear a wig.
336
00:22:18,140 --> 00:22:21,275
If a man wears a wig and
is found out, that's fucking...
337
00:22:21,400 --> 00:22:23,440
There's no country you can move to.
338
00:22:25,570 --> 00:22:27,235
If a man wears a wig,
339
00:22:27,360 --> 00:22:32,280
and he's not found out,
his entire life is lived in fear.
340
00:22:33,700 --> 00:22:36,950
All day's he's like this.
"Oh, for fuck's sake!
341
00:22:38,000 --> 00:22:40,460
The weatherman said
it wouldn't be windy!"
342
00:22:47,300 --> 00:22:49,465
Yet women are allowed to wear wigs.
343
00:22:49,590 --> 00:22:53,010
Women are allowed to wear wigs
over full heads of hair,
344
00:22:54,220 --> 00:22:56,390
and they're just having a bit of fun.
345
00:22:59,730 --> 00:23:01,350
Wigs for everyone,
346
00:23:02,400 --> 00:23:03,940
or wigs for no one!
347
00:23:10,030 --> 00:23:11,445
While I'm at it,
348
00:23:11,570 --> 00:23:13,905
fake ponytails, hair extensions.
349
00:23:14,030 --> 00:23:16,790
If you can't grow it,
you can't fucking have it!
350
00:23:18,160 --> 00:23:19,995
Do you know how disgusting it is
351
00:23:20,120 --> 00:23:23,965
that a part of our society with hair
who are allowed to wear wigs
352
00:23:24,090 --> 00:23:25,420
when the bald is not?
353
00:23:26,250 --> 00:23:28,255
That is the equivalent
354
00:23:28,380 --> 00:23:31,260
of a woman who can walk
getting in a wheelchair...
355
00:23:34,010 --> 00:23:35,680
and wheeling herself up
356
00:23:36,560 --> 00:23:40,060
to a legless man trying to crawl
his way home from the pub...
357
00:23:42,270 --> 00:23:44,900
and she just keeps up with him
and laughs.
358
00:23:52,360 --> 00:23:53,570
So my point is...
359
00:23:54,700 --> 00:23:56,285
DJ's gay, right?
360
00:23:56,410 --> 00:23:58,290
So...
361
00:24:00,620 --> 00:24:05,165
Now, this is the story of how
DJ Qualls came out of the closet.
362
00:24:05,290 --> 00:24:08,835
His friends and I knew he was gay,
but it wasn't public.
363
00:24:08,960 --> 00:24:13,595
Me and DJ went to see Elton John
in concert at his Farewell Tour, right?
364
00:24:13,720 --> 00:24:16,015
So we're sittin' there...
365
00:24:16,140 --> 00:24:17,135
Yeah.
366
00:24:17,260 --> 00:24:19,975
I'll take any cheer I can get.
Anyway, so...
367
00:24:20,100 --> 00:24:22,645
We went to the concert,
we're sitting there,
368
00:24:22,770 --> 00:24:26,525
and Elton's at the piano
and the band leaves the stage
369
00:24:26,650 --> 00:24:30,485
and now it's just Elton, the piano,
and a spotlight. Nothing else.
370
00:24:30,610 --> 00:24:31,945
And Elton says,
371
00:24:32,070 --> 00:24:35,075
"This will be the final song
I perform this evening."
372
00:24:35,200 --> 00:24:36,660
Now of course, it wasn't.
373
00:24:38,740 --> 00:24:41,750
He was doing that cunty thing
that musicians do.
374
00:24:42,960 --> 00:24:46,205
Like fucking how long as a society
375
00:24:46,330 --> 00:24:48,920
are we gonna play their fucking game?
376
00:24:49,670 --> 00:24:52,550
Every single concert we go to,
377
00:24:54,590 --> 00:24:56,180
"No.
378
00:24:59,100 --> 00:25:00,850
Don't go."
379
00:25:02,640 --> 00:25:04,315
You know they're coming back.
380
00:25:04,440 --> 00:25:06,730
And we always act surprised.
381
00:25:09,690 --> 00:25:10,690
"We did it!"
382
00:25:12,150 --> 00:25:15,325
I was next to a young fella.
Maybe his first concert.
383
00:25:15,450 --> 00:25:17,035
He was maybe 15-years-old.
384
00:25:17,160 --> 00:25:20,035
Elton said, "This'll be the final song."
385
00:25:20,160 --> 00:25:22,540
And the kid lost his mind.
"No, Elton!
386
00:25:23,580 --> 00:25:24,660
No!"
387
00:25:25,670 --> 00:25:28,130
And I was like,
"Calm the fuck down, mate.
388
00:25:29,170 --> 00:25:31,130
He hasn't sung 'Rocket Man' yet."
389
00:25:33,090 --> 00:25:34,070
So we're there,
390
00:25:35,590 --> 00:25:39,265
it's a three-hour mark and Elton, right?
391
00:25:39,390 --> 00:25:43,810
He says, he gives a ten minute speech.
A beautiful speech, Farewell Tour.
392
00:25:44,350 --> 00:25:47,895
He says, "Thank you so much
for following my 50 year career.
393
00:25:48,020 --> 00:25:51,895
Thank you so much for buying the albums
and hearing the music.
394
00:25:52,020 --> 00:25:56,195
Without you listening to the songs,
me writing them is inconsequential.
395
00:25:56,320 --> 00:25:59,445
And I love you.
You're the greatest fans I could have."
396
00:25:59,570 --> 00:26:01,205
A beautiful speech, right?
397
00:26:01,330 --> 00:26:03,740
Very long, but it was
a beautiful speech.
398
00:26:04,580 --> 00:26:07,750
And I turned to DJ and I went,
"I should do that."
399
00:26:09,130 --> 00:26:10,455
And he said, "Do what?"
400
00:26:10,580 --> 00:26:13,425
"I should thank the people
who come to see me.
401
00:26:13,550 --> 00:26:16,630
I never do that.
I tell my jokes and I piss off.
402
00:26:17,550 --> 00:26:18,555
I don't do that."
403
00:26:18,680 --> 00:26:21,765
And he goes,
"Yeah, but with your fanbase
404
00:26:21,890 --> 00:26:24,600
someone would just yell out, 'Fag!'
Like that."
405
00:26:25,770 --> 00:26:29,850
And as he said that,
Elton John had stopped talking.
406
00:26:32,230 --> 00:26:34,980
And the word "fag" just sang out.
407
00:26:37,320 --> 00:26:40,070
Everyone in the room's
freaking the fuck out.
408
00:26:40,780 --> 00:26:44,080
They're all turning around.
Of course they think it's me.
409
00:26:46,120 --> 00:26:48,995
I'm elbowing DJ,
"Probably a good time to come out.
410
00:26:49,120 --> 00:26:51,000
I'd come out right fucking now."
411
00:26:53,630 --> 00:26:55,840
Elton John looks up from his piano.
412
00:26:56,670 --> 00:26:58,795
Stares at us, the room goes silent.
413
00:26:58,920 --> 00:27:01,550
Now let's break down
what just happened there.
414
00:27:02,470 --> 00:27:05,645
Elton John's at the three-hour mark
of his Farewell Tour
415
00:27:05,770 --> 00:27:07,605
and he gave a lovely speech,
416
00:27:07,730 --> 00:27:10,730
and someone yelled out "fag."
417
00:27:13,770 --> 00:27:17,230
Who must've Elton
thought that person was?
418
00:27:18,530 --> 00:27:21,490
Did he think it was someone
who really hated him
419
00:27:21,950 --> 00:27:26,490
and had come to show after show,
and was like,
420
00:27:28,450 --> 00:27:31,080
"If I don't say it now,
I'll never say it!"
421
00:27:33,500 --> 00:27:36,335
Or did he think it was someone
422
00:27:36,460 --> 00:27:38,210
who had just figured it out?
423
00:27:40,800 --> 00:27:41,885
Maybe...
424
00:27:42,010 --> 00:27:46,015
Maybe someone who'd bought the albums,
listened to the music,
425
00:27:46,140 --> 00:27:48,100
never seen the outfits.
426
00:27:50,390 --> 00:27:52,810
And he's sitting
with his wife like this.
427
00:28:00,150 --> 00:28:02,780
"He wears an awful lot
of sequins, doesn't he?
428
00:28:08,790 --> 00:28:10,120
"You know what I think?
429
00:28:12,460 --> 00:28:14,295
I think he might be a...
430
00:28:14,420 --> 00:28:15,400
fag!"
431
00:28:21,220 --> 00:28:22,930
So the next day...
432
00:28:23,800 --> 00:28:25,640
I'm performing in San Diego,
433
00:28:26,220 --> 00:28:28,470
and DJ came along with me to my show.
434
00:28:30,640 --> 00:28:33,355
And so he's, he's sitting in the wings
435
00:28:33,480 --> 00:28:35,985
and I tell the Elton John story
that night.
436
00:28:36,110 --> 00:28:39,195
I'm on the stage,
and I don't mention DJ's name
437
00:28:39,320 --> 00:28:41,485
because I don't want them
to know it's him.
438
00:28:41,610 --> 00:28:44,410
And then he walked on stage
out of nowhere.
439
00:28:44,610 --> 00:28:48,035
He came on, and I looked at him,
"What the fuck's he doing?"
440
00:28:48,160 --> 00:28:49,290
And he...
441
00:28:53,080 --> 00:28:55,830
And he took the microphone from me,
and he went,
442
00:28:56,380 --> 00:28:57,590
"It was me!
443
00:29:00,050 --> 00:29:01,050
I'm gay!"
444
00:29:02,210 --> 00:29:04,010
And the whole place erupted.
445
00:29:04,720 --> 00:29:06,550
And he just waved goodnight.
446
00:29:08,600 --> 00:29:11,095
And then he tweeted about it right away.
447
00:29:11,220 --> 00:29:13,725
Tweeted it so he couldn't take it back.
448
00:29:13,850 --> 00:29:15,145
That's how he came out.
449
00:29:15,270 --> 00:29:19,025
Then we went out that night
and everyone was so excited for him.
450
00:29:19,150 --> 00:29:20,815
People from the show came up,
451
00:29:20,940 --> 00:29:23,065
gave him drinks and hugs, took photos.
452
00:29:23,190 --> 00:29:26,695
Everyone... It was one of
the best nights I've ever had.
453
00:29:26,820 --> 00:29:28,075
Coming out
454
00:29:28,200 --> 00:29:29,705
looks like a lot of fun.
455
00:29:29,830 --> 00:29:31,040
Like...
456
00:29:32,080 --> 00:29:35,500
Like, I was gettin' jealous.
457
00:29:36,920 --> 00:29:39,590
'Cause you know, as a hetero,
458
00:29:40,170 --> 00:29:41,585
we've got nothin'.
459
00:29:41,710 --> 00:29:42,710
You know...
460
00:29:43,550 --> 00:29:44,670
Like...
461
00:29:45,840 --> 00:29:49,475
I have no bit of information
that will really ruin
462
00:29:49,600 --> 00:29:51,470
an elderly relative's Christmas.
463
00:29:57,140 --> 00:29:58,650
So I thought about it,
464
00:30:00,060 --> 00:30:02,820
what have I got
that's close to coming out?
465
00:30:04,440 --> 00:30:07,155
I thought about it
and I've come up with this.
466
00:30:07,280 --> 00:30:08,735
It's hard to say publicly,
467
00:30:08,860 --> 00:30:10,240
but I have to...
468
00:30:10,530 --> 00:30:11,870
live my truth.
469
00:30:18,620 --> 00:30:22,090
My favorite TV show
is The Bachelor and The Bachelorette.
470
00:30:28,260 --> 00:30:30,050
I love that shit!
471
00:30:30,890 --> 00:30:36,020
I don't work on Monday nights
'cause I like to follow the live tweets.
472
00:30:36,770 --> 00:30:39,100
I'm part of Bachelor Nation!
473
00:30:39,770 --> 00:30:41,565
I fuckin' love that shit.
474
00:30:41,690 --> 00:30:44,900
A lot of you might think
I'm an idiot for enjoying that.
475
00:30:45,650 --> 00:30:48,030
Well, I'm not an idiot!
476
00:30:48,700 --> 00:30:52,115
I'm not stupid.
I don't like reality shows.
477
00:30:52,240 --> 00:30:55,285
I don't watch Selling Sunset,
or Below Deck,
478
00:30:55,410 --> 00:30:57,410
or any of that fuckin' shit.
479
00:30:58,330 --> 00:31:00,835
I like game shows.
480
00:31:00,960 --> 00:31:04,175
And The Bachelor is a game show,
481
00:31:04,300 --> 00:31:07,340
where the prize is a person.
482
00:31:09,630 --> 00:31:13,305
It's a lot of people who just want
to get famous.
483
00:31:13,430 --> 00:31:16,100
And we force two of them
to get married.
484
00:31:19,690 --> 00:31:21,145
It's fuckin' belter.
485
00:31:21,270 --> 00:31:25,065
If you've never seen it,
I'll walk you through The Bachelorette.
486
00:31:25,190 --> 00:31:26,815
It's a 28-year-old girl.
487
00:31:26,940 --> 00:31:29,405
She lives in a house
you never really see.
488
00:31:29,530 --> 00:31:31,235
She's in this house over here.
489
00:31:31,360 --> 00:31:35,785
And there's a mansion
that literally has 30 guys in it
490
00:31:35,910 --> 00:31:38,625
that are all fighting
for her attention, right?
491
00:31:38,750 --> 00:31:41,665
She comes over and visits occasionally.
492
00:31:41,790 --> 00:31:42,920
Oh!
493
00:31:44,920 --> 00:31:48,295
There's a petition,
going around the internet,
494
00:31:48,420 --> 00:31:49,920
for a gay bachelor.
495
00:31:50,340 --> 00:31:51,800
No!
496
00:31:54,970 --> 00:31:59,770
The Bachelor is a heterosexual show
for heterosexual people,
497
00:32:00,350 --> 00:32:04,270
and it will remain that way,
thank you very much.
498
00:32:05,980 --> 00:32:08,195
I'm not being homophobic.
499
00:32:08,320 --> 00:32:10,860
It just wouldn't logistically work.
500
00:32:11,400 --> 00:32:14,325
Say you got a gay bachelor,
his name's Darren.
501
00:32:14,450 --> 00:32:16,740
Darren lives in a house over here.
502
00:32:18,620 --> 00:32:22,120
Then there's a mansion over here...
503
00:32:23,460 --> 00:32:25,420
with 30 guys.
504
00:32:25,960 --> 00:32:29,170
You're getting ahead of me, Toronto,
don't do that.
505
00:32:32,970 --> 00:32:35,885
And the producers come over
to meet Darren.
506
00:32:36,010 --> 00:32:38,635
They go,
"We've got a great group of guys.
507
00:32:38,760 --> 00:32:41,180
They're very excited to meet you."
508
00:32:44,230 --> 00:32:46,480
"I'm excited to meet them."
509
00:32:47,650 --> 00:32:50,070
And then Darren walks over there.
510
00:32:50,480 --> 00:32:55,280
With all of his hopes and wishes
and dreams inside this house.
511
00:32:55,780 --> 00:32:58,990
And he gets to the doorknob,
and takes a breath...
512
00:33:00,910 --> 00:33:04,620
and then he opens the door
and they're all fuckin' each other.
513
00:33:06,750 --> 00:33:09,085
And the producers,
514
00:33:09,210 --> 00:33:11,920
they know this isn't good for the show.
515
00:33:12,510 --> 00:33:15,385
So they roll up a newspaper
and start wackin' 'em.
516
00:33:15,510 --> 00:33:19,345
"Get out of it!
Stop fuckin' each other!"
517
00:33:19,470 --> 00:33:21,935
They get a spray bottle.
518
00:33:22,060 --> 00:33:24,975
They get on of 'em
and rub their nose in their cum.
519
00:33:25,100 --> 00:33:27,980
"Bad gay! Bad gay!"
520
00:33:35,200 --> 00:33:37,160
So no gay Bachelor.
521
00:33:47,040 --> 00:33:49,795
Let's do The Bachelorette.
522
00:33:49,920 --> 00:33:53,335
The bachelorette will be
a 28-year-old girl,
523
00:33:53,460 --> 00:33:57,715
she's known she'll be the bachelorette
for, like, four months.
524
00:33:57,840 --> 00:34:00,555
She does what most
women do before marriage.
525
00:34:00,680 --> 00:34:03,555
She's working out every day.
She's eating well.
526
00:34:03,680 --> 00:34:07,060
If she does eat something naughty,
she vomits it back up.
527
00:34:10,310 --> 00:34:14,775
This is a comedy show, so if there are
any bulimic women in the room,
528
00:34:14,900 --> 00:34:16,900
don't think it goes unnoticed.
529
00:34:18,280 --> 00:34:21,580
Us boys appreciate
that you're keeping it tight.
530
00:34:22,330 --> 00:34:25,790
You're doing what the fat girls
aren't willing to do.
531
00:34:26,790 --> 00:34:28,210
So...
532
00:34:31,290 --> 00:34:33,550
She's at the front of this mansion,
533
00:34:34,710 --> 00:34:38,090
She's all bulimic,
ripped and bulimic, sexy...
534
00:34:39,800 --> 00:34:43,015
She's had her hair
and makeup done professionally
535
00:34:43,140 --> 00:34:46,355
She's in a $10,000 dress
that the show has given her.
536
00:34:46,480 --> 00:34:50,270
This woman is in her prime.
537
00:34:50,690 --> 00:34:55,820
She will never look better than she does
at this exact moment.
538
00:34:57,190 --> 00:35:00,280
What a good time to fall in love, eh?
539
00:35:01,530 --> 00:35:05,410
I can't see any disappointment
in the future.
540
00:35:06,750 --> 00:35:09,495
So she stands at the front of the house,
541
00:35:09,620 --> 00:35:12,795
then 30 limos, one by one,
will drive up,
542
00:35:12,920 --> 00:35:15,625
and 30 different men will come out
of their car.
543
00:35:15,750 --> 00:35:18,385
They'll walk up,
they'll introduce themselves,
544
00:35:18,510 --> 00:35:20,885
then they'll say some line
they pre-rehearsed
545
00:35:21,010 --> 00:35:23,095
they think will sweep her off her feet.
546
00:35:23,220 --> 00:35:26,645
This line will be some
innocuous bit of rubbish
547
00:35:26,770 --> 00:35:29,350
that fuckin' means nothing.
Now...
548
00:35:30,690 --> 00:35:33,435
They show up in the car,
good lookin' guys,
549
00:35:33,560 --> 00:35:35,525
wearing a beautiful, tailored suit.
550
00:35:35,650 --> 00:35:37,945
Right?
But because they're in their 20's,
551
00:35:38,070 --> 00:35:40,030
the leg's up to here.
552
00:35:41,490 --> 00:35:45,450
It's very important to that generation
that we see their ankles.
553
00:35:46,490 --> 00:35:49,040
You look like cunts.
Anyways...
554
00:35:56,880 --> 00:35:59,090
So the limousines show up,
555
00:35:59,670 --> 00:36:01,805
and out steps this guy, right?
556
00:36:01,930 --> 00:36:05,175
He'll be handsome,
wrinkly forehead handsome.
557
00:36:05,300 --> 00:36:08,600
And he'll walk up to her, he'll be...
558
00:36:18,940 --> 00:36:20,990
"Hi, my name's Kevin.
559
00:36:23,740 --> 00:36:25,285
I believe...
560
00:36:25,410 --> 00:36:26,995
that a woman's heart
561
00:36:27,120 --> 00:36:28,740
should be protected."
562
00:36:30,870 --> 00:36:32,920
What the fuck does this mean?
563
00:36:35,580 --> 00:36:38,340
But she will think this is amazing.
564
00:36:38,840 --> 00:36:40,460
She'll just be like,
565
00:36:40,880 --> 00:36:44,890
"I also believe that a woman's heart
needs protecting."
566
00:36:50,180 --> 00:36:53,565
"Well maybe we should talk
about that inside."
567
00:36:53,690 --> 00:36:55,690
And then he walks off,
568
00:36:56,270 --> 00:36:57,645
and she loses her shit.
569
00:36:57,770 --> 00:37:01,155
She goes to the presenter,
"Oh, my God, it's Kevin.
570
00:37:01,280 --> 00:37:02,820
Kevin's the one."
571
00:37:03,650 --> 00:37:06,820
She doesn't know fuckin' jack shit
about Kevin.
572
00:37:07,570 --> 00:37:11,035
Kevin arrived in a car he doesn't own,
in a suit he's been given
573
00:37:11,160 --> 00:37:14,080
walking into a mansion
he's never fucking been in.
574
00:37:15,000 --> 00:37:18,255
Kevin could be unemployed,
living with his mom in Regina.
575
00:37:18,380 --> 00:37:20,590
He doesn't know fuckin' Kevin.
576
00:37:25,970 --> 00:37:30,435
Now on the show
you need to get a rose, alright?
577
00:37:30,560 --> 00:37:34,395
And if you're one of the guys...
I don't watch the Canadian version.
578
00:37:34,520 --> 00:37:36,475
I live in America, they give roses.
579
00:37:36,600 --> 00:37:40,820
I assume with you guys it's, "I
really like you, here's a beaver pelt."
580
00:37:46,950 --> 00:37:49,830
In the USA they give a rose, right?
581
00:37:51,410 --> 00:37:53,375
If you're one of these guys going,
582
00:37:53,500 --> 00:37:56,495
"I won't get a rose this week,
she doesn't like me,"
583
00:37:56,620 --> 00:37:59,420
What you do,
you tell her a sob story, alright?
584
00:38:00,290 --> 00:38:02,465
Cause she can't fuck you off that week.
585
00:38:02,590 --> 00:38:04,255
Can't get rid of you that week.
586
00:38:04,380 --> 00:38:07,095
She's a bitch if she kicks you off
that week.
587
00:38:07,220 --> 00:38:09,765
So a sob story will buy you
about a week.
588
00:38:09,890 --> 00:38:10,925
Now...
589
00:38:11,050 --> 00:38:15,185
it's amazing how they just weave them
into conversations out of nowhere.
590
00:38:15,310 --> 00:38:18,435
And 'cause they're in their 20's,
some of these sob stories
591
00:38:18,560 --> 00:38:20,435
are as weak as balls.
592
00:38:20,560 --> 00:38:24,195
And it always happens...
They'll be playing touch football,
593
00:38:24,320 --> 00:38:27,525
the girl comes by, they say,
"Hey, Katie, how are you?"
594
00:38:27,650 --> 00:38:29,950
And one guy will stand back...
595
00:38:30,280 --> 00:38:32,660
and he'll wait
'til he makes eye contact.
596
00:38:39,460 --> 00:38:43,340
She'll come up, and she'll be like,
"What's wrong?"
597
00:38:49,130 --> 00:38:50,890
"Oh, no.
598
00:38:51,760 --> 00:38:53,850
No, no. It's...
599
00:38:55,310 --> 00:38:57,765
It's nothing, it's nothing.
600
00:38:57,890 --> 00:38:59,940
It's just that...
601
00:39:01,360 --> 00:39:04,105
we're having such a good time today,
602
00:39:04,230 --> 00:39:06,320
I just wish that...
603
00:39:11,030 --> 00:39:13,450
my grandmother was here
to see it."
604
00:39:14,830 --> 00:39:16,575
And you're like,
605
00:39:16,700 --> 00:39:20,420
"You're 28, mate, you're grandmother's
meant to be dead, cunt."
606
00:39:23,710 --> 00:39:25,755
There was a guy last season,
607
00:39:25,880 --> 00:39:28,925
he was raising a four-year-old boy,
right?
608
00:39:29,050 --> 00:39:31,930
'Cause his wife had died
two years earlier.
609
00:39:35,970 --> 00:39:38,310
That's roses all day!
610
00:39:42,940 --> 00:39:44,360
I...
611
00:39:53,070 --> 00:39:54,120
I...
612
00:39:54,870 --> 00:39:57,410
I got married in Covid.
613
00:39:59,830 --> 00:40:01,160
I...
614
00:40:01,830 --> 00:40:04,375
I would've waited a little longer
615
00:40:04,500 --> 00:40:06,795
but, I said to my wife,
616
00:40:06,920 --> 00:40:10,720
"I'm worried that Covid's going to end,
we must get married now."
617
00:40:12,340 --> 00:40:15,635
She said, "Why?" 'Cause my
wife's British, I'm Australian.
618
00:40:15,760 --> 00:40:17,555
We live in Los Angeles, right?
619
00:40:17,680 --> 00:40:20,685
I said, "Covid will end,
we have to get married."
620
00:40:20,810 --> 00:40:22,355
She's like, "Why?"
I go,
621
00:40:22,480 --> 00:40:24,735
"'Cause if we wait 'til after Covid,
622
00:40:24,860 --> 00:40:28,110
I have to fly cunts in
from all over the world.
623
00:40:29,190 --> 00:40:32,445
See people I don't want
to fuckin' know."
624
00:40:32,570 --> 00:40:34,865
So we went to Vegas, just did it,
625
00:40:34,990 --> 00:40:38,240
and rang everyone up,
"It wasn't the same without you.
626
00:40:39,740 --> 00:40:41,910
Damn you, Covid!"
627
00:40:43,830 --> 00:40:45,705
It was the fuckin' best, man.
628
00:40:45,830 --> 00:40:48,715
I love my wife,
I'm lovin' being married.
629
00:40:48,840 --> 00:40:50,135
I'm loving it.
630
00:40:50,260 --> 00:40:51,340
I know.
631
00:40:53,300 --> 00:40:54,680
I believe...
632
00:40:55,010 --> 00:40:57,925
I believe in the term,
"Happy wife, happy life."
633
00:40:58,050 --> 00:41:00,975
These are words to live by.
634
00:41:01,100 --> 00:41:04,725
There's never been a truer sentence
in the English language
635
00:41:04,850 --> 00:41:07,815
than "Happy wife, happy life."
636
00:41:07,940 --> 00:41:11,905
If your wife is happy, you'll be happy,
the kids will be happy,
637
00:41:12,030 --> 00:41:13,900
everyone will be happy.
638
00:41:14,200 --> 00:41:17,070
It does surprise me, however,
639
00:41:17,780 --> 00:41:21,290
that there's no saying
that goes the other way.
640
00:41:24,460 --> 00:41:27,045
If my wife had a saying, it would be,
641
00:41:27,170 --> 00:41:29,630
"Happy husband, we'll see about that."
642
00:41:32,880 --> 00:41:37,760
Or, "Happy husband,
what's he been up to?"
643
00:41:42,850 --> 00:41:43,830
So...
644
00:41:44,730 --> 00:41:46,650
We get married in Vegas,
645
00:41:47,310 --> 00:41:50,820
and then my wife gets pregnant
on the wedding night.
646
00:41:51,780 --> 00:41:53,190
Probably mine.
647
00:41:56,660 --> 00:42:00,325
So she gets pregnant,
it wasn't expected.
648
00:42:00,450 --> 00:42:02,455
We have a little boy now.
649
00:42:02,580 --> 00:42:04,785
Um...
650
00:42:04,910 --> 00:42:07,120
Thanks.
651
00:42:12,130 --> 00:42:14,260
I'm not fuckin' having another one.
652
00:42:15,090 --> 00:42:16,510
I'm not doing it.
653
00:42:17,130 --> 00:42:19,720
I'm actually having a vasectomy
on Monday.
654
00:42:23,430 --> 00:42:26,105
I had to time it after this.
I'm having one on Monday.
655
00:42:26,230 --> 00:42:28,225
My wife doesn't want me to get one.
656
00:42:28,350 --> 00:42:30,770
- But I said, "My body, my choice."
- Do it!
657
00:42:33,650 --> 00:42:35,815
I see why you guys
like throwing that out.
658
00:42:35,940 --> 00:42:38,860
That seems like a fun sentence,
"My body, my choice."
659
00:42:39,450 --> 00:42:41,325
I told my dad a couple weeks ago,
660
00:42:41,450 --> 00:42:45,075
I said, "Dad, I'm getting a vasectomy."
He's 81 years old.
661
00:42:45,200 --> 00:42:49,040
I said, "Dad, I'm getting a vasectomy."
He said, "Don't do it."
662
00:42:50,000 --> 00:42:53,335
I said, "Why not?"
He goes, "Because most women,
663
00:42:53,460 --> 00:42:55,885
not all women, but most women
664
00:42:56,010 --> 00:42:57,920
they like to see the cum."
665
00:43:04,220 --> 00:43:06,305
And I said, "Dad,
666
00:43:06,430 --> 00:43:09,105
when you have a vasectomy,
you still ejaculate,
667
00:43:09,230 --> 00:43:10,935
it just doesn't work anymore."
668
00:43:11,060 --> 00:43:13,230
And he went,
"Oh, get one, then."
669
00:43:17,940 --> 00:43:20,865
That's the fastest
I've ever seen anyone
670
00:43:20,990 --> 00:43:24,370
change their opinion
on fucking anything.
671
00:43:25,950 --> 00:43:28,375
He's 81 years old, and all that time
672
00:43:28,500 --> 00:43:32,750
he thought blokes with vasectomies
were shooting dust out of their dicks.
673
00:43:39,340 --> 00:43:41,965
So the wife gets pregnant, right?
674
00:43:42,090 --> 00:43:44,095
Now, we had a baby shower.
675
00:43:44,220 --> 00:43:46,555
We had a little boy,
we had a baby shower.
676
00:43:46,680 --> 00:43:48,855
Before I tell this, I have to mention,
677
00:43:48,980 --> 00:43:51,395
my wife is British, very posh accent,
678
00:43:51,520 --> 00:43:54,235
sounds like Mary Poppins,
my wife, right?
679
00:43:54,360 --> 00:43:56,735
She's British, but visually...
680
00:43:56,860 --> 00:43:58,900
she's, um... she's Indian.
681
00:43:59,820 --> 00:44:03,530
I feel like I said that weird, didn't I?
Said that a bit weird.
682
00:44:03,950 --> 00:44:05,830
How do I fix that?
683
00:44:07,080 --> 00:44:10,660
British talky talky,
Indian looky looky.
684
00:44:12,500 --> 00:44:14,670
Alright, nailed it.
Anyway...
685
00:44:16,920 --> 00:44:18,670
So my wife's Indian,
686
00:44:20,470 --> 00:44:24,510
she's walking around the baby shower
holding her stomach, going,
687
00:44:26,720 --> 00:44:29,100
"I hope he's brown.
688
00:44:31,390 --> 00:44:33,770
I want a brown baby.
689
00:44:34,690 --> 00:44:37,730
Not a stupid White baby."
690
00:44:40,400 --> 00:44:42,400
Now, I wasn't offended.
691
00:44:43,110 --> 00:44:46,200
But imagine if the shoe
was on the other foot.
692
00:44:47,910 --> 00:44:51,710
Imagine if I was walking around
the baby shower with my friends...
693
00:44:59,380 --> 00:45:01,920
and I pointed at my wife's stomach,
694
00:45:02,420 --> 00:45:03,550
and went,
695
00:45:04,180 --> 00:45:05,930
"I hope he's White.
696
00:45:08,760 --> 00:45:10,810
I want a White baby,
697
00:45:11,680 --> 00:45:14,690
not a stupid brown baby."
698
00:45:18,650 --> 00:45:21,190
Anyway, so the baby's born.
699
00:45:22,440 --> 00:45:25,110
This thing's white as fuck, man.
700
00:45:26,660 --> 00:45:29,030
It's so fuckin' white.
701
00:45:29,660 --> 00:45:33,620
This is whiter than the kid I had
with the blonde Canadian woman.
702
00:45:36,420 --> 00:45:38,255
I don't know what happened.
703
00:45:38,380 --> 00:45:40,550
I was at the cunt-end of the birth,
704
00:45:41,130 --> 00:45:43,385
and I saw the baby crowning,
705
00:45:43,510 --> 00:45:46,630
I was like, "She's not gonna be happy
about this!"
706
00:45:51,390 --> 00:45:53,395
My mother-in-law... So at this stage
707
00:45:53,520 --> 00:45:55,765
they take baby out,
my mother-in-law has it.
708
00:45:55,890 --> 00:45:59,360
My wife's being stitched up.
She's being stitched up.
709
00:45:59,940 --> 00:46:02,860
Could have done more.
Anyway, so...
710
00:46:06,910 --> 00:46:10,155
She's being stitched up,
the reason I'm telling you this,
711
00:46:10,280 --> 00:46:11,865
she's in no mood to make a joke,
712
00:46:11,990 --> 00:46:15,370
she's not joking when she says
this next thing, she's not joking.
713
00:46:16,710 --> 00:46:19,755
This baby that came out of the woman
looks just like me.
714
00:46:19,880 --> 00:46:23,000
It has thin hair and one eyebrow.
715
00:46:25,470 --> 00:46:28,925
My mother-in-law's there,
she holds the baby next to my head,
716
00:46:29,050 --> 00:46:31,470
and she goes, "Oh, my God.
717
00:46:32,350 --> 00:46:34,810
He looks exactly the same as Jim."
718
00:46:35,480 --> 00:46:37,145
And my wife said,
719
00:46:37,270 --> 00:46:39,850
"So you don't think he'll be
good looking?"
720
00:46:45,070 --> 00:46:48,155
You can't argue with a woman
when her cunt's being stitched up.
721
00:46:48,280 --> 00:46:49,530
You just can't!
722
00:46:50,910 --> 00:46:53,660
So I just stand there
and take it like this.
723
00:47:02,130 --> 00:47:06,420
"Maybe he'll grow up to be one of
those people who pays for everything."
724
00:47:15,470 --> 00:47:20,395
So my wife... I'd never seen her hornier
than the last trimester of her pregnancy.
725
00:47:20,520 --> 00:47:24,275
Don't know if it happens to others,
something to do with hormones.
726
00:47:24,400 --> 00:47:27,190
She wanted to fuck non-stop
in the last trimester.
727
00:47:27,820 --> 00:47:29,950
So we go to the obstetrician.
728
00:47:30,240 --> 00:47:33,825
And the obstetrician says to us,
my wife's asking the doctor,
729
00:47:33,950 --> 00:47:38,205
and the doctor's talking about
medicine things.
730
00:47:38,330 --> 00:47:42,375
She's like, "And the baby
will turn around,
731
00:47:42,500 --> 00:47:45,175
expect this to happen,
your ankles will do this,"
732
00:47:45,300 --> 00:47:49,005
she's telling her all these things,
and my wife's so single-minded,
733
00:47:49,130 --> 00:47:51,465
she's like, "But can we still have sex?
734
00:47:51,590 --> 00:47:53,725
Are we still allowed to have sex?"
735
00:47:53,850 --> 00:47:57,475
And the doctor's like, "Of course!
We encourage it.
736
00:47:57,600 --> 00:48:00,515
It's healthy to have sex
during the pregnancy."
737
00:48:00,640 --> 00:48:03,610
And I went, "Uh...
738
00:48:07,730 --> 00:48:09,400
I don't know.
739
00:48:11,780 --> 00:48:14,660
Feels like it might hurt the baby."
740
00:48:17,870 --> 00:48:21,080
That wasn't the real reason
I didn't want to have sex.
741
00:48:22,120 --> 00:48:24,130
The real reason was...
742
00:48:27,920 --> 00:48:29,920
I thought she looked weird.
743
00:48:32,260 --> 00:48:35,010
Now, I know that's not
a nice thing to say,
744
00:48:35,850 --> 00:48:39,020
but I can't...
The dick wants what the dick wants.
745
00:48:40,180 --> 00:48:41,395
The dick didn't want.
746
00:48:41,520 --> 00:48:45,020
I told him he should want,
but he's in charge, man.
747
00:48:46,230 --> 00:48:47,610
He didn't want.
748
00:48:48,650 --> 00:48:51,485
I love my wife.
I'm very attracted to my wife.
749
00:48:51,610 --> 00:48:54,325
But when she was really pregnant,
she was like...
750
00:48:54,450 --> 00:48:57,655
She's five foot two,
she's under a hundred pounds.
751
00:48:57,780 --> 00:48:59,285
She gained no weight.
752
00:48:59,410 --> 00:49:02,210
All she gained was
a big fuckin' pot belly.
753
00:49:03,330 --> 00:49:06,500
She looked like fuckin' ET, man.
754
00:49:10,170 --> 00:49:13,840
So, I had this fuckin' horny ET,
755
00:49:16,050 --> 00:49:18,345
just following me around
the house, like,
756
00:49:18,470 --> 00:49:21,225
"Are we going to fuck today?
Are we going to fuck today?"
757
00:49:21,350 --> 00:49:22,770
I'm like, "Oh, my God, no!"
758
00:49:34,070 --> 00:49:35,530
It's...
759
00:49:36,700 --> 00:49:38,745
Over the course of my career,
760
00:49:38,870 --> 00:49:42,325
I've told a lot of jokes,
a lot of sex jokes. Lot of sex jokes.
761
00:49:42,450 --> 00:49:45,245
Normally they're about cocaine,
one-night stands,
762
00:49:45,370 --> 00:49:48,040
threesomes, prostitutes,
things like that.
763
00:49:50,000 --> 00:49:52,960
I'm sorry, you'll not hear that
this evening.
764
00:49:53,590 --> 00:49:56,715
Because, I'm a happily married
father of two,
765
00:49:56,840 --> 00:49:58,305
I'm 45 years old,
766
00:49:58,430 --> 00:50:00,685
and it's just not my life anymore.
767
00:50:00,810 --> 00:50:03,435
But I still want to do
some sex jokes for you.
768
00:50:03,560 --> 00:50:07,815
But these sex jokes
are for all the people in the room
769
00:50:07,940 --> 00:50:09,730
who are just like me.
770
00:50:10,820 --> 00:50:14,690
And they have to fuck
the same person every day.
771
00:50:17,530 --> 00:50:22,120
When you fuck the same person every day,
you get good at it.
772
00:50:22,580 --> 00:50:26,335
You get good or you get efficient.
You know each other's buttons,
773
00:50:26,460 --> 00:50:28,960
and how to get them
out of the room quickly.
774
00:50:31,590 --> 00:50:35,050
Now I should mention
something about myself. Um...
775
00:50:35,920 --> 00:50:38,965
I haven't had a drink in 18 months.
776
00:50:39,090 --> 00:50:42,345
Right, I don't...
777
00:50:42,470 --> 00:50:44,140
I don't drink anymore.
778
00:50:44,560 --> 00:50:46,645
I think if you've watched my career,
779
00:50:46,770 --> 00:50:48,900
you've seen that I've had struggles.
780
00:50:49,600 --> 00:50:52,485
I did some of my specials
completely drunk,
781
00:50:52,610 --> 00:50:55,815
there were some specials
where I blacked out afterwards,
782
00:50:55,940 --> 00:50:57,865
and I don't remember the special.
783
00:50:57,990 --> 00:50:59,735
I just... I had a problem.
784
00:50:59,860 --> 00:51:01,495
I had years that I was good,
785
00:51:01,620 --> 00:51:03,825
I had a handle on it, then I didn't,
786
00:51:03,950 --> 00:51:07,495
then it got away from me.
It's been a struggle for many years.
787
00:51:07,620 --> 00:51:10,505
So I want to talk to you
about something important.
788
00:51:10,630 --> 00:51:13,540
I know a lot of you
won't like me talking about it.
789
00:51:14,050 --> 00:51:16,255
I had... something...
790
00:51:16,380 --> 00:51:19,760
come into my life
which I've always rejected.
791
00:51:20,260 --> 00:51:23,050
And this change has given me...
792
00:51:24,060 --> 00:51:26,975
Weed! How fucking good is weed?
793
00:51:27,100 --> 00:51:31,025
I had no idea!
794
00:51:31,150 --> 00:51:34,735
It was a drug I never did.
I was doing cocaine, and all...
795
00:51:34,860 --> 00:51:36,235
pills and all that shit.
796
00:51:36,360 --> 00:51:38,905
I never used weed.
I thought, "I might get..."
797
00:51:39,030 --> 00:51:40,910
It's the fucking best!
798
00:51:42,530 --> 00:51:45,115
I never want to drink again, man!
799
00:51:45,240 --> 00:51:47,955
I don't want to drink.
I much prefer being high.
800
00:51:48,080 --> 00:51:49,625
I don't drink anymore.
801
00:51:49,750 --> 00:51:51,665
I'm high and dry, baby!
802
00:51:51,790 --> 00:51:53,130
High and dry!
803
00:51:54,130 --> 00:51:55,250
I fucking...
804
00:51:55,840 --> 00:51:57,585
I get stoned,
805
00:51:57,710 --> 00:51:59,215
I take an edible,
806
00:51:59,340 --> 00:52:00,970
every fucking day.
807
00:52:02,180 --> 00:52:04,470
I'm a fucking koala, man!
808
00:52:11,350 --> 00:52:12,980
So every day...
809
00:52:14,110 --> 00:52:17,235
I drop my kid at school,
and I take an edible.
810
00:52:17,360 --> 00:52:20,030
And I play Call of Duty
for about five hours.
811
00:52:22,360 --> 00:52:25,655
Alright, play Call of Duty,
and my wife will come in,
812
00:52:25,780 --> 00:52:27,915
I'll be there, stoned,
playing Call of Duty,
813
00:52:28,040 --> 00:52:29,995
and she'll come in, sit next to me,
814
00:52:30,120 --> 00:52:32,085
and she'll go,
"Do you wanna fuck?"
815
00:52:32,210 --> 00:52:35,590
And I'll be like, "Uh...
816
00:52:38,750 --> 00:52:40,420
Team Deathmatch."
817
00:52:44,090 --> 00:52:46,015
And then she'll look up at me.
818
00:52:46,140 --> 00:52:49,020
I can't say no to her.
So I'm like this...
819
00:52:52,060 --> 00:52:53,690
Now get out of here, you!
820
00:52:56,310 --> 00:52:57,900
And she's happy with that.
821
00:52:58,980 --> 00:53:01,530
That helps her move on with her day.
822
00:53:06,490 --> 00:53:09,455
My wife hasn't watched me
do standup for over a year
823
00:53:09,580 --> 00:53:11,415
because we have a kid and she's...
824
00:53:11,540 --> 00:53:12,785
Look, life is busy.
825
00:53:12,910 --> 00:53:15,125
She hasn't come to my shows in a year.
826
00:53:15,250 --> 00:53:17,625
And I said to her before this special,
827
00:53:17,750 --> 00:53:23,550
I said, "Uh...
There's a couple of jokes about you."
828
00:53:25,800 --> 00:53:26,965
And she was like,
829
00:53:27,090 --> 00:53:29,225
"Don't tell me, don't tell me."
830
00:53:29,350 --> 00:53:32,390
She says, "I want to watch them
on Netflix with you."
831
00:53:36,230 --> 00:53:37,230
So...
832
00:53:39,270 --> 00:53:40,905
right now...
833
00:53:41,030 --> 00:53:45,610
if you're watching this on Netflix,
know that I'm next to my wife like this.
834
00:53:53,410 --> 00:53:56,045
When you're in a long-term relationship,
835
00:53:56,170 --> 00:53:57,955
you settle in to four positions.
836
00:53:58,080 --> 00:53:59,710
You start out with more,
837
00:54:00,000 --> 00:54:01,875
but as the relationship gets on,
838
00:54:02,000 --> 00:54:04,090
you settle down to your core four.
839
00:54:04,720 --> 00:54:06,965
The four positions you always use.
840
00:54:07,090 --> 00:54:08,845
You both know your core four,
841
00:54:08,970 --> 00:54:11,055
but you've never talked to each other
842
00:54:11,180 --> 00:54:12,350
about the core four.
843
00:54:13,390 --> 00:54:16,190
Right now you're thinking
about your core four.
844
00:54:17,940 --> 00:54:21,360
And in the car ride home,
you'll talk about your core four.
845
00:54:24,440 --> 00:54:26,320
We're all doing two of the same.
846
00:54:27,410 --> 00:54:30,240
Her on top, him on top.
847
00:54:30,660 --> 00:54:32,330
These are classics!
848
00:54:33,620 --> 00:54:35,660
They're not going anywhere!
849
00:54:37,120 --> 00:54:40,880
Then the other two
are variables for your relationship.
850
00:54:42,000 --> 00:54:43,170
And they are...
851
00:54:44,010 --> 00:54:45,715
the one that helps her cum,
852
00:54:45,840 --> 00:54:47,885
and the one that helps him cum.
853
00:54:48,010 --> 00:54:50,180
Your finishing positions.
854
00:54:53,060 --> 00:54:55,805
I won't tell you
my wife's finishing position,
855
00:54:55,930 --> 00:54:57,980
because I respect her privacy.
856
00:55:00,900 --> 00:55:02,860
But I will tell you mine.
857
00:55:04,400 --> 00:55:07,445
I used to finish in doggie
when I was a younger man,
858
00:55:07,570 --> 00:55:08,985
but as I've gotten older,
859
00:55:09,110 --> 00:55:11,495
I now finish in
what's called "lazy doggie."
860
00:55:11,620 --> 00:55:15,700
Lazy doggie is where
you lay in the spoon position,
861
00:55:16,910 --> 00:55:18,790
grab one tit,
862
00:55:19,420 --> 00:55:20,670
and you rut around.
863
00:55:26,260 --> 00:55:28,840
It's a fucking solid position.
864
00:55:29,550 --> 00:55:31,300
It's a good position!
865
00:55:32,180 --> 00:55:34,555
'Cause you feel like
you're being active,
866
00:55:34,680 --> 00:55:36,520
but you still get a pillow.
867
00:55:39,350 --> 00:55:41,435
My wife loves me so much,
868
00:55:41,560 --> 00:55:43,855
that if she finishes in her position,
869
00:55:43,980 --> 00:55:45,695
she'll just get off the cock,
870
00:55:45,820 --> 00:55:47,860
and she'll lay in lazy doggie,
871
00:55:48,530 --> 00:55:51,320
and she'll look at me and go,
"Go on, then."
872
00:55:52,870 --> 00:55:54,155
And I'll be like,
873
00:55:54,280 --> 00:55:56,790
"Thanks, love. I shan't be long"
874
00:56:11,930 --> 00:56:13,470
Every now and again,
875
00:56:14,220 --> 00:56:16,720
you venture out of the core four.
876
00:56:17,640 --> 00:56:19,975
You'll throw in an old position
you used to do.
877
00:56:20,100 --> 00:56:23,815
There's one position all couples do
four or five times a year.
878
00:56:23,940 --> 00:56:26,150
And every time, you go,
"This is dumb."
879
00:56:28,820 --> 00:56:30,400
That's reverse cowgirl.
880
00:56:31,030 --> 00:56:32,575
Now in case you don't know,
881
00:56:32,700 --> 00:56:35,245
that's when the girl's on top,
turned around.
882
00:56:35,370 --> 00:56:37,785
So the ass is facing you and she just...
883
00:56:37,910 --> 00:56:39,995
But she bends over, so it's not good,
884
00:56:40,120 --> 00:56:41,915
because the dick goes this way,
885
00:56:42,040 --> 00:56:43,585
and the cunt goes that way.
886
00:56:43,710 --> 00:56:46,000
And they're fighting
against each other.
887
00:56:46,840 --> 00:56:48,875
Unless you have a big dick,
888
00:56:49,000 --> 00:56:51,845
and I don't, right?
889
00:56:51,970 --> 00:56:55,140
It'll come out every sixth thrust or so,
890
00:56:55,800 --> 00:56:57,810
and you have to thumb it back in.
891
00:57:02,060 --> 00:57:04,270
Hello, mate.
Good to see you.
892
00:57:04,940 --> 00:57:06,230
Back you go.
893
00:57:07,940 --> 00:57:10,280
Didn't think I'd see you again so soon.
894
00:57:11,240 --> 00:57:12,240
Back in.
895
00:57:20,910 --> 00:57:24,205
There's another thing you only do
early in a relationship,
896
00:57:24,330 --> 00:57:25,790
and then you fuck it off.
897
00:57:26,750 --> 00:57:28,170
Sixty-nine.
898
00:57:29,000 --> 00:57:31,755
Sixty-nine is a new
relationship activity.
899
00:57:31,880 --> 00:57:34,180
And then you fucking never do it again.
900
00:57:34,840 --> 00:57:36,345
Three months it gets, 69.
901
00:57:36,470 --> 00:57:40,310
You do it in the beginning to act
like you're free with your body.
902
00:57:41,770 --> 00:57:43,100
But then it's stupid.
903
00:57:43,890 --> 00:57:45,980
Too much geometry involved.
904
00:57:47,690 --> 00:57:48,985
I'm six foot tall,
905
00:57:49,110 --> 00:57:52,025
so I need a woman who's five-five
for the perfect 69.
906
00:57:52,150 --> 00:57:56,285
Any taller, I'm finger-banging behind
my head, and licking her navel.
907
00:57:56,410 --> 00:57:58,535
Any shorter, my neck's up like this,
908
00:57:58,660 --> 00:58:01,580
and I feel like I'm in
the front row at the movies.
909
00:58:06,500 --> 00:58:09,290
That's why you gotta
give it up for the gays.
910
00:58:10,210 --> 00:58:11,920
Must be wonderful.
911
00:58:12,800 --> 00:58:16,340
You just see each other.
Same height? 69.
912
00:58:17,590 --> 00:58:20,220
'Cause those people
stick together like LEGO.
913
00:58:26,640 --> 00:58:29,560
Another problem with 69 is,
914
00:58:30,150 --> 00:58:32,610
no one's doing their best work.
915
00:58:35,490 --> 00:58:38,825
I can't lick your cunt
to the best of my ability
916
00:58:38,950 --> 00:58:41,910
if you're sucking my dick
to the best of yours,
917
00:58:42,660 --> 00:58:44,160
and vice versa.
918
00:58:45,200 --> 00:58:46,835
I can't tell you...
919
00:58:46,960 --> 00:58:50,580
how many times I've been in 69,
and I've thought to myself...
920
00:58:57,880 --> 00:59:00,300
"I haven't done anything for minutes.
921
00:59:05,850 --> 00:59:07,980
Should probably get back to it."
922
00:59:14,320 --> 00:59:16,735
And then because
I'm doing such a good job,
923
00:59:16,860 --> 00:59:19,030
she's lost all focus!
924
00:59:20,280 --> 00:59:23,620
She has a cock in her mouth
with zero fucking passion!
925
00:59:25,700 --> 00:59:29,120
You have to knee her in the head,
"Fucking get back to it!"
926
00:59:36,880 --> 00:59:39,005
You ever do the 69,
927
00:59:39,130 --> 00:59:41,340
where the woman's laying on her back,
928
00:59:41,470 --> 00:59:43,720
and the man gets on top?
929
00:59:50,060 --> 00:59:52,690
This is so horrendous looking,
930
00:59:55,440 --> 00:59:57,860
that you can't search for it in Pornhub.
931
00:59:59,900 --> 01:00:02,075
No one in the world has ever searched...
932
01:00:02,200 --> 01:00:04,700
I've tried!
They've never searched for this!
933
01:00:05,830 --> 01:00:07,700
No one wants to see it!
934
01:00:10,830 --> 01:00:14,000
You always get into
that position by accident.
935
01:00:15,090 --> 01:00:16,585
It's never your intention.
936
01:00:16,710 --> 01:00:19,465
Me and the wife
got into it by accident, right?
937
01:00:19,590 --> 01:00:21,255
So I'd...
938
01:00:21,380 --> 01:00:23,595
gone down her, right?
939
01:00:23,720 --> 01:00:25,055
Y'know...
940
01:00:25,180 --> 01:00:26,015
my turn.
941
01:00:26,140 --> 01:00:29,640
We don't keep a tally, but...
942
01:00:30,770 --> 01:00:31,725
I'm two up.
943
01:00:31,850 --> 01:00:32,850
Anyway, so...
944
01:00:36,270 --> 01:00:40,565
I go down on her, she finishes, right?
I fucking go, I'm off to the bathroom.
945
01:00:40,690 --> 01:00:45,325
Her heads at the end of the bed,
she was lying that way,
946
01:00:45,450 --> 01:00:47,990
and as I'm walking by,
she grabs my cock
947
01:00:48,330 --> 01:00:50,410
and she goes to put it in her mouth
948
01:00:51,370 --> 01:00:52,960
and I'm like, "Hello!"
949
01:00:54,330 --> 01:00:58,590
I should mention at this stage,
my in-laws will be watching this.
950
01:01:04,680 --> 01:01:05,970
I...
951
01:01:07,510 --> 01:01:10,060
I don't know what to tell ya.
Anyway, so...
952
01:01:12,270 --> 01:01:14,105
So, she starts sucking my cock
953
01:01:14,230 --> 01:01:16,940
and I'm like
"Good on you! Well done, you!"
954
01:01:18,070 --> 01:01:22,405
And we go through the whole show,
the whole song and dance. We all do it.
955
01:01:22,530 --> 01:01:24,235
She puts it in her mouth,
956
01:01:24,360 --> 01:01:28,995
then she sticks her tongue out,
and I slap it on her tongue, and...
957
01:01:29,120 --> 01:01:31,995
and she acts like
that's something she enjoys.
958
01:01:32,120 --> 01:01:33,745
She's like this, "Ah!"
959
01:01:33,870 --> 01:01:35,745
And I'm like...
960
01:01:35,870 --> 01:01:38,420
"You're having a good time."
961
01:01:39,750 --> 01:01:41,380
So...
962
01:01:42,760 --> 01:01:46,305
she's sucking on my dick,
and her head's at the end of the bed
963
01:01:46,430 --> 01:01:48,385
and I don't know why I did this,
964
01:01:48,510 --> 01:01:52,805
but I thought "What I'll do is
whip my leg around here... like that!"
965
01:01:52,930 --> 01:01:55,100
And as soon as I did it,
966
01:01:55,810 --> 01:01:57,560
I knew I'd made an error.
967
01:01:59,570 --> 01:02:02,440
The ballsack was covering her nose, and
968
01:02:02,740 --> 01:02:03,815
and...
969
01:02:03,940 --> 01:02:06,320
and the breathing became very labored.
970
01:02:08,910 --> 01:02:11,955
And not just her nose,
they'd come over her eyes,
971
01:02:12,080 --> 01:02:13,750
giving her fly's eyes.
972
01:02:16,170 --> 01:02:18,420
And I was like, "This can't be good.
973
01:02:19,000 --> 01:02:23,545
I have to relieve a bit of the pressure."
So, I put one knee up onto the mattress.
974
01:02:23,670 --> 01:02:26,845
But all that did was shift
the balls off the eyes,
975
01:02:26,970 --> 01:02:28,930
onto the bridge of the nose so...
976
01:02:29,430 --> 01:02:31,260
she still can't breathe
977
01:02:31,560 --> 01:02:35,930
but now she has a very clear view
of my gaping, hemorrhoidal asshole.
978
01:02:39,020 --> 01:02:40,110
And I'm like...
979
01:02:40,900 --> 01:02:42,270
"That can't be fun."
980
01:02:43,900 --> 01:02:45,530
So, I put the other knee up.
981
01:02:46,860 --> 01:02:47,825
Then I'm up.
982
01:02:47,950 --> 01:02:49,360
And then I fell forward,
983
01:02:50,450 --> 01:02:52,455
and started licking from above,
984
01:02:52,580 --> 01:02:55,410
and acted like that
was what I meant to do!
985
01:02:57,160 --> 01:02:58,140
Now, boys...
986
01:03:01,290 --> 01:03:03,625
if you ever find yourself in a situation
987
01:03:03,750 --> 01:03:07,135
where a woman asks for a 69
where she's on the bottom
988
01:03:07,260 --> 01:03:08,680
and you're on the top,
989
01:03:09,930 --> 01:03:13,890
make sure you get yourself
some rock-solid consent.
990
01:03:18,020 --> 01:03:21,900
Get a video of her saying
what she expects, what she wants.
991
01:03:23,440 --> 01:03:27,400
Make her hold
the newspaper for that day.
992
01:03:30,070 --> 01:03:33,580
Maybe a contract, get a notary.
There's not enough.
993
01:03:35,870 --> 01:03:39,790
Because, girls,
once we get started in this position,
994
01:03:41,710 --> 01:03:43,210
there's no turning back.
995
01:03:45,050 --> 01:03:48,880
Unless your safe word is...
996
01:03:49,970 --> 01:03:52,140
you're butt-fuck outta luck!
997
01:03:57,100 --> 01:04:00,440
If you do it on a soft,
inner-spring mattress,
998
01:04:01,350 --> 01:04:03,150
she stands a chance!
999
01:04:05,150 --> 01:04:08,280
You do it on memory foam,
you'll fucking kill a bitch!
1000
01:04:15,910 --> 01:04:18,040
That's what it's like to be married.
1001
01:04:28,590 --> 01:04:29,570
Now...
1002
01:04:30,380 --> 01:04:32,890
I wanna finish on this routine.
1003
01:04:33,680 --> 01:04:37,095
I have...
traveled the world with this job,
1004
01:04:37,220 --> 01:04:39,975
this job has been such
a blessing in my life.
1005
01:04:40,100 --> 01:04:42,775
I just, I have been...
I have been everywhere.
1006
01:04:42,900 --> 01:04:47,525
Anywhere where they speak English,
I've gotten up somewhere
1007
01:04:47,650 --> 01:04:50,275
and told a few dick jokes.
It's fantastic.
1008
01:04:50,400 --> 01:04:54,575
I'll tell you what, I've seen all
different cultures, different societies
1009
01:04:54,700 --> 01:04:58,370
and I know
who the biggest cunts on Earth are.
1010
01:04:59,540 --> 01:05:01,290
The biggest cunts on Earth
1011
01:05:01,960 --> 01:05:03,460
are the Swedes.
1012
01:05:05,420 --> 01:05:08,670
Swedish people
are the worst people on Earth.
1013
01:05:09,880 --> 01:05:12,255
If there's any Swedish
people in the room
1014
01:05:12,380 --> 01:05:14,470
know that you're not welcome here.
1015
01:05:19,560 --> 01:05:24,105
Do you know Sweden was the last place in
the free world to give up on Eugenics?
1016
01:05:24,230 --> 01:05:26,775
Right up until 1974,
1017
01:05:26,900 --> 01:05:29,565
they were sterilizing people
against their will
1018
01:05:29,690 --> 01:05:32,690
if they were disabled
or had a degenerative disease.
1019
01:05:33,030 --> 01:05:36,865
So if you had cerebral palsy,
muscular distrophy, you're a dwarf,
1020
01:05:36,990 --> 01:05:38,530
they sterilized you.
1021
01:05:39,410 --> 01:05:41,665
That's 1974.
1022
01:05:41,790 --> 01:05:43,460
That's recent history.
1023
01:05:44,830 --> 01:05:48,590
But if you go there,
you can't argue with the results.
1024
01:05:49,880 --> 01:05:51,710
Fuck me, they're good looking!
1025
01:05:53,670 --> 01:05:57,385
Like they're so fucking
good looking, man.
1026
01:05:57,510 --> 01:06:01,350
They're so good looking, it's
like they're killing the ugly people.
1027
01:06:02,220 --> 01:06:06,645
Now, I'm not saying they're walking
around killing people, that's ridiculous.
1028
01:06:06,770 --> 01:06:09,360
I'm saying they're doing it from birth.
1029
01:06:10,230 --> 01:06:12,695
So, there'll be, like,
a woman giving birth,
1030
01:06:12,820 --> 01:06:14,775
there'll be, like, a doctor,
1031
01:06:14,900 --> 01:06:18,365
and then there'll be, like,
an official guy in the corner.
1032
01:06:18,490 --> 01:06:21,330
And the doctor
pulls the baby out and goes...
1033
01:06:29,170 --> 01:06:30,150
"No."
1034
01:06:38,640 --> 01:06:39,675
Right?
1035
01:06:39,800 --> 01:06:44,305
Then they throw the baby in the corner
with all the other ugly, dead babies.
1036
01:06:44,430 --> 01:06:46,395
He didn't have a plate this time.
1037
01:06:46,520 --> 01:06:47,500
Right?
1038
01:06:49,230 --> 01:06:52,105
And the woman,
they're such a rational breed of people,
1039
01:06:52,230 --> 01:06:54,695
I don't think the woman
would even be upset.
1040
01:06:54,820 --> 01:06:58,160
I think she'd just be like this,
"Was it ugly, was it?
1041
01:07:00,780 --> 01:07:03,080
Thank you for catching it so early."
1042
01:07:13,090 --> 01:07:14,800
Urban legend has it...
1043
01:07:16,210 --> 01:07:18,680
that one of the ugly
dead babies survived.
1044
01:07:19,930 --> 01:07:23,470
It wasn't hit hard enough,
and it was thrown into the corner.
1045
01:07:24,100 --> 01:07:28,020
And then the other ugly dead babies
kept on piling up on top of it.
1046
01:07:28,850 --> 01:07:30,350
And it lived under there.
1047
01:07:30,900 --> 01:07:31,880
Feeding...
1048
01:07:32,400 --> 01:07:34,150
off the rotting flesh.
1049
01:07:34,980 --> 01:07:36,525
Until, eventually,
1050
01:07:36,650 --> 01:07:39,450
it was strong enough
to crawl away on its own.
1051
01:07:40,820 --> 01:07:42,160
"Be free, Greta.
1052
01:07:43,990 --> 01:07:45,290
Be free."
1053
01:07:47,000 --> 01:07:48,785
Thank you very much!
1054
01:07:48,910 --> 01:07:50,245
{\an8}I appreciate it!
1055
01:07:50,370 --> 01:07:51,580
{\an8}You're awesome!
76829
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