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So there was, like, a beauty contest for uteruses,
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mine would win, right?
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I also think it would win Miss Congeniality.
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I said your uterus was perfectly healthy.
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I heard "perfect."
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Did you two sign up for that baby care class?
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Uh, yeah, but because of our work schedules,
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I can only go during the day and she can only go at night.
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It's almost as if we didn't think
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this whole "hooking up in a bar
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and not using a condom" thing through.
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I'm really looking forward to it.
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I mean, no other guys I hang with are having a baby,
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and, you know, I'm hoping to meet some other dads.
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- Maybe hang out. - Zack, I'm a gynecologist.
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Unless this ends with something weird
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on somebody's vagina, I can't help you.
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This doesn't look like any weed pharmacy I've been to.
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It's a parenting class.
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I lied to get you to come with me.
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I was thinking this was the strangest selection
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of bongs I've ever seen in my life.
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So, our mission is to find you another dad to connect with.
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A compadre.
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Get it? Padre.
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Whatever, dude, I thought I'd be stoned by now.
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Hey, what about belted shorts guy?
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This is kind of like hitting on chicks at a bar.
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I mean, what am I supposed to say to him?
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All my best pickup lines have the word "hot" in them.
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Just say, "Where'd you get that hot braided belt, man?"
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So, when the topical hair solution didn't work,
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I went with the pills, but now I'm growing boobs
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and I can't get an erection.
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At least you got that hot belt.
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♪ I can't be anything without you. ♪
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So, two regulars and a decaf.
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Actually, mine was a regular, too.
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Really?
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Do you know what caffeine can do to a baby in the womb?
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Makes them want to have a cigarette?
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No?
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Okay.
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Well, thank you, Dr. Coffee.
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I didn't see your stethoscope underneath your apron there.
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My doctor says I'm allowed
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to have one cup of coffee a day.
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You know, I hate to mention it, but caffeine is...
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Nothing.
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Bad for the baby. Sorry.
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All I'm saying is that it's Billie's body,
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and it's a shame the way people are treating her.
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Hey.
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Maybe a journalist who has a column
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in San Francisco's second most popular paper
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can write a searing expos?
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on how society imposes its beliefs upon the pregnant.
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Yeah.
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Oh, you mean me?
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Abby?
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You are about to be very excited.
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Yay!
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- Whoa, calm down. - What?
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Give yourself somewhere to go.
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I signed up for baby...
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Oh!
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Baby care classes, and I want you to go with me.
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Yay! Wait, when is it?
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Tonight.
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Oh, wait a minute,
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tonight I have my pole-dancing class.
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But I can go to that another time.
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Yay!
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No, I don't have a wife but I got pregnant with this girl.
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And we're not dating, but I want to be a good dad.
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And I'm a little nervous, and I just want to make sure
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we're as prepared as possible.
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Oh...
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Okay, everybody, let's take a little break.
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I'm gay, but you are adorable.
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I'm Toni and this is my girlfriend, Dani.
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- Oh, hi. - Nice to meet you.
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- Hi, Dani, hi. - Hi.
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So, lesbians, huh?
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How great are boobs?
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Well, her boobs are fantastic, I mean, they're incredible.
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You just wanna get in there and...
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She's talking about her boobs.
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And you're interrupting her.
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So, boobs, go on.
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Did you check out the rack on the candy striper
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by the doughnut table?
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Dani, please, you're a married woman.
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You wanna grab a bear claw
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and see if we can look down the candy striper's shirt?
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I would answer that,
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except all the blood has rushed out of my head.
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Excuse me.
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I like your wife.
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Uh, lady-husband.
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Girlfriend. Help me.
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Uh... yeah, I like her, too.
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So, uh, what do you think of the class?
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Uh, it's kind of frustrating.
105
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You know, none of my friends are having babies.
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They're all having "Guitar Hero Marathons",
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hangovers and herpes scares.
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Uh...
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I was kind of hoping to come here
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and find a cool dad-to-be to hang out with,
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but I don't think I really fit in here.
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I tried to, you know, make conversation with shorts guy...
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Ugh, shorts guy is such a tool.
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I know.
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I love your girlfriend.
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She's lesbian me.
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Why can't all girls be lesbians?
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Oh, wait a minute.
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Holy crap!
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Is that for the expos?
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Yes, I have gone undercover.
122
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And I've gotta say, I feel for you.
123
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It is so eye opening the way people try and stop you
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doing all the things that you love
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just because you're pregnant.
126
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I mean, I can't even buy a pack of cigarettes
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without getting a dirty look.
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Oh, God, I miss Europe.
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James, I have not yet been reimbursed
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from when I went to cover the Toronto Film Festival.
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And you won't be.
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The newspaper business is dying, Billie.
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We are all rats on a sinking ship.
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All right, soon as I get back from
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my vacation in Tahoe, I'll talk to someone in accounting.
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I think someone is down there still.
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- Hello, boss. - Wow.
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You, too?
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I really don't pay any attention.
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So, for the purposes of my article,
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is it be okay if I come to that class with you?
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Okay.Yay.
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God, it looks so real.
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I think I just felt something kick.
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Oh, I had the chicken curry for lunch.
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Mind your own business, fatty.
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Condemning a pregnant woman
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for taking a wee nip to calm the baby's nerves.
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Can you believe the double standard?
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I think that's just the standard.
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Oh, my God, I am so glad that you brought me here.
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This was the type of thing that I was so looking forward to
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ever since I found out you were pregnant.
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Me, too.
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It was my childhood dream.
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Me, unmarried, pregnant, parked in a physician's spot
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hoping I don't get towed.
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But with my sister by my side
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making sure everything's going to be okay.
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All right, everyone. Time to pick out our babies.
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Dibs! Dibs!
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I just mean dibs.
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These cloth diapers are great.
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I'm done, baby's down!
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It's not a contest.
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I know, but baby's down.
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- Excellent job! - Yay!
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How's it coming?
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My baby will be potty-trained very early.
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You've put a diaper on the baby's head.
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It's a bandana.
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Now he looks bad ass.
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This is so much fun.
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This is way better than pole-dancing class.
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Yeah, you're doing great.
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A lot better at it than I am.
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Have you noticed that?
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Have you noticed that happening?
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- No. - Could you?
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Could you start to?
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You look mad.
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I'm not.
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I'm just frustrated that you seem to be enjoying the fact
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that you're doing better than me at this.
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That is not true.
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I am here to support you.
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Who'd like to be the first one to take a shot at swaddling?
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Me!
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You know, I was kind of hoping to bond
190
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with some of the cool guys in the class but they
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totally shut me out of their chunky dad clique.
192
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I don't think they were thrilled with how much hair I have,
193
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or the ease with which I can get an erection.
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Not my favorite thing either, dude.
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Crap!
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I think Billie's home.
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Do you think she's mad at me?
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Did you do anything?
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I've done lots of things.
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I'm eating her cereal right now.
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What the hell was that?
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I turned around, and you were gone!
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I almost dropped Daisy.
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Sweet, it's not you!
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I left because what was the point in me being there?
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That class was just for you, wasn't it?
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What are you talking about?
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You were totally showing me up!
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I mean, how could you get so good at this baby stuff, anyway?
210
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What, are you hanging out at family restrooms taking notes?
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Diapering chimps at the zoo?
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What are you trying to prove?
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I wasn't trying to prove anything.
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I was trying to help you.
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You're welcome!
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And you were loving watching me struggle.
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I have to pee.
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Do it in the sink.
219
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You just can't stand to see me be better than you at anything.
220
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I always wondered what it would be like
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if I was better at something than you.
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And now I know.
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You're so gracious.
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You got the good hair, the glamorous job
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and the baby on the way, but do I explode
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in your face with resentment?
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No, I keep it in.
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I control it, because I love you!
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I love you, too!
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Oh, you're home.
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- Davis! - Oh...
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You heard everything with Abby.
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I mean, I'm right, right?
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I mean, did Davis go to your class and show you up?
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No, he was a rude, inappropriate assbag.
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He alienated everyone.
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See?
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That's how a friend should act.
239
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Abby can't do that.
240
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You know why?
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'Cause she's jealous.
242
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She's jealous of my baby and my perfect frickin' uterus.
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My abs, your uterus,
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it's not our fault we're pretty people.
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I love how you're on my side right now.
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Well, again, she's wrong.
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What'd you say?
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She's wrong.
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I like you so much right now!
250
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Zack, uh, where's Billie?
251
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This is an appointment for me.
252
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Do you see anything on these posters
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that resembles anything that you have?
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Because if I examine you,
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basically, we'd just be fooling around.
256
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Uh, look, I know you don't want to hear it
257
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if it's not vagina-related...
258
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But you're the only experienced father
259
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I can talk to.
260
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And I went to that class, but all the guys hated me.
261
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And I'm freaking out, so... could you be, like,
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my go-to guy for dad questions?
263
00:11:33,980 --> 00:11:36,540
Zack, um, remember that high-speed chase
264
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that went from Fresno down to Bakersfield?
265
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Yeah.
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Yeah, real nasty.
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Uh, they put out the spikes to flatten the tires,
268
00:11:43,440 --> 00:11:46,100
big explosion, then the guy ran away, and then the dogs got him?
269
00:11:46,100 --> 00:11:47,190
Yeah.
270
00:11:47,190 --> 00:11:49,670
Yeah. That's my son, Carl.
271
00:11:50,480 --> 00:11:51,620
And my daughter doesn't talk to me
272
00:11:51,620 --> 00:11:54,070
because I had her fiancee deported.
273
00:11:54,610 --> 00:11:57,120
So, what can I help you with?
274
00:11:59,020 --> 00:12:02,040
Oh, Abby's just jealous of you.
275
00:12:02,040 --> 00:12:04,310
That's right. So I'm right, right?
276
00:12:04,310 --> 00:12:06,180
Right, yeah, you are right.
277
00:12:06,180 --> 00:12:08,510
We pregnant women have to stick together, you know.
278
00:12:09,170 --> 00:12:11,880
Hey, this article's just writing itself.
279
00:12:13,270 --> 00:12:14,980
Oh.
280
00:12:17,040 --> 00:12:19,610
Huh. It's James.
281
00:12:19,850 --> 00:12:20,960
Hi, James.
282
00:12:20,960 --> 00:12:22,660
How's Tahoe?
283
00:12:22,660 --> 00:12:23,670
Yeah, funny story.
284
00:12:23,670 --> 00:12:27,140
Uh, I didn't go on vacation. I lied.
285
00:12:27,570 --> 00:12:29,890
Okay. How's that going?
286
00:12:30,040 --> 00:12:31,470
Uh, well.
287
00:12:31,470 --> 00:12:33,510
I had laser eye surgery.
288
00:12:33,510 --> 00:12:36,670
Now it's infected, and I need you to come get me.
289
00:12:36,750 --> 00:12:39,440
I'm so busy right now
290
00:12:39,440 --> 00:12:41,760
writing my review.
291
00:12:41,890 --> 00:12:44,800
Billie, stop tapping on Olivia's cubicle
292
00:12:44,800 --> 00:12:46,490
and come get me.
293
00:12:46,490 --> 00:12:50,170
Okay, I'll be right there, Grampa Simpson.
294
00:12:51,190 --> 00:12:52,830
James didn't go to Tahoe.
295
00:12:52,830 --> 00:12:54,350
He didn't?
296
00:12:54,350 --> 00:12:55,620
Crap!
297
00:12:55,620 --> 00:12:58,410
So, do I have to really write this expos?
298
00:12:59,290 --> 00:13:00,900
What have you been doing this whole time?
299
00:13:00,900 --> 00:13:02,930
I was ordering shoes.
300
00:13:10,170 --> 00:13:11,380
Great place, right?
301
00:13:11,380 --> 00:13:13,510
Great? This place is amazing.
302
00:13:13,510 --> 00:13:14,340
Everywhere I look, it's, like,
303
00:13:14,340 --> 00:13:16,960
my favorite kind of porn is about to break out.
304
00:13:17,940 --> 00:13:20,550
What's your un-favorite kind of porn?
305
00:13:21,270 --> 00:13:23,620
Well, the German stuff is a little rough.
306
00:13:23,620 --> 00:13:26,090
No wonder they started two world wars.
307
00:13:27,460 --> 00:13:29,690
So, Lesbian Me...
308
00:13:29,690 --> 00:13:30,930
Yes, Straight Man Me?
309
00:13:30,930 --> 00:13:33,840
Which one of these ladies would be very open-minded
310
00:13:33,840 --> 00:13:37,560
or so drunk that they might mistake me for a woman?
311
00:13:39,530 --> 00:13:41,120
Well, I don't know them at all,
312
00:13:41,120 --> 00:13:43,490
but I heard they're into Dutch boys.
313
00:13:43,500 --> 00:13:44,480
That's what we call straight men
314
00:13:44,480 --> 00:13:46,430
who want to hook up with a lesbian couple.
315
00:13:46,430 --> 00:13:48,340
Come on, I'll be your wing-lesbo.
316
00:13:48,340 --> 00:13:52,240
I once was lost, but now am found.
317
00:13:55,920 --> 00:13:57,290
I was watching you in class,
318
00:13:57,290 --> 00:13:59,960
and you really washed that baby like a pro.
319
00:13:59,960 --> 00:14:02,450
I could eat off that baby.
320
00:14:02,730 --> 00:14:06,190
I work at a restaurant... it's just like scrubbing a potato with limbs.
321
00:14:06,350 --> 00:14:08,820
Okay, this is weird, 'cause you and I just met,
322
00:14:08,820 --> 00:14:11,940
but, uh, Dani and I just found out we're having a boy,
323
00:14:11,940 --> 00:14:14,060
and I guess that's the universe's way of saying,
324
00:14:14,060 --> 00:14:17,340
"One way or the other, you're touching penis."
325
00:14:18,600 --> 00:14:22,030
You're a cool guy... so if I need to talk to someone,
326
00:14:22,030 --> 00:14:25,200
if I don't know what to do with my son, can I call you?
327
00:14:25,570 --> 00:14:26,500
Me?
328
00:14:26,500 --> 00:14:28,750
Yeah. You're a natural dad.
329
00:14:28,750 --> 00:14:29,780
You really think that?
330
00:14:29,780 --> 00:14:32,700
Absolutely. And I did not get good vibes
331
00:14:32,700 --> 00:14:34,290
from the other guys in the class.
332
00:14:34,290 --> 00:14:35,890
Oh, well, I think that's probably because
333
00:14:35,890 --> 00:14:38,430
out of all of them, you have the hottest wife.
334
00:14:39,270 --> 00:14:41,540
Of... of course you can call me.
335
00:14:41,540 --> 00:14:43,280
Can I call you if I have a lesbian?
336
00:14:43,280 --> 00:14:44,960
That would be great.
337
00:14:45,930 --> 00:14:48,490
Your friend is scoring.
338
00:14:49,090 --> 00:14:50,270
Though he didn't really understand
339
00:14:50,270 --> 00:14:51,910
the whole Dutch boy thing.
340
00:14:51,910 --> 00:14:55,690
My apartment is two blocks away.
341
00:14:55,690 --> 00:14:58,600
Or, for me, two kilometers.
342
00:15:02,680 --> 00:15:04,860
Are you sure I can't touch you guys?
343
00:15:04,860 --> 00:15:05,410
Yeah, okay,
344
00:15:05,410 --> 00:15:07,820
that works, too.
345
00:15:08,330 --> 00:15:11,280
Can you believe this is actually happening?
346
00:15:17,780 --> 00:15:19,390
So, what's a lesbian bar like?
347
00:15:19,390 --> 00:15:22,150
- I've never been in one. - Oh, you'd do great there.
348
00:15:22,540 --> 00:15:24,260
They would eat you up.
349
00:15:24,260 --> 00:15:26,360
I love lesbians.
350
00:15:28,410 --> 00:15:30,350
Why do you keep checking your phone?
351
00:15:30,350 --> 00:15:32,660
I still haven't heard from Davis.
352
00:15:32,720 --> 00:15:35,150
Last time I saw him, he was headed out to have a threesome.
353
00:15:35,150 --> 00:15:37,240
I mean, when I had a three...
354
00:15:39,580 --> 00:15:40,800
I should've heard from him by now.
355
00:15:40,800 --> 00:15:42,680
I'm getting worried.
356
00:15:47,450 --> 00:15:49,320
Okay, it's been
357
00:15:49,320 --> 00:15:51,160
two hours... time to put the eye drops in again.
358
00:15:51,160 --> 00:15:53,740
So keep your eyes open.
359
00:15:56,020 --> 00:15:57,460
It's burning.
360
00:15:58,340 --> 00:16:00,150
I haven't done anything yet.
361
00:16:00,150 --> 00:16:02,210
Don't be such a baby.
362
00:16:03,850 --> 00:16:05,750
Oh, my God, these are the wrong eye drops.
363
00:16:05,750 --> 00:16:09,220
- Those aren't the antibiotics? -No, they're the anti-inflammatory.
364
00:16:09,220 --> 00:16:10,760
Why is everything "anti"?
365
00:16:10,760 --> 00:16:12,570
Why can't we have some "pro" drugs?
366
00:16:12,570 --> 00:16:14,820
Come on, it's not that big a deal.
367
00:16:14,820 --> 00:16:16,530
What's going on with you?
368
00:16:16,530 --> 00:16:18,290
I had this baby class with Abby,
369
00:16:18,290 --> 00:16:22,190
and she was a total superstar, and I was a total loser.
370
00:16:22,190 --> 00:16:23,730
It made me think...
371
00:16:23,800 --> 00:16:26,290
maybe I'm not gonna be so good at this mom stuff.
372
00:16:26,290 --> 00:16:27,640
Oh, come on, Billie.
373
00:16:27,640 --> 00:16:29,780
You can read; they have books for that.
374
00:16:31,310 --> 00:16:33,890
Books only teach you so much.
375
00:16:34,610 --> 00:16:36,850
I'm not sure I have the instincts to be a mom.
376
00:16:36,850 --> 00:16:38,640
I can't even keep anything alive... I mean, I think
377
00:16:38,640 --> 00:16:41,520
I had a plant that committed suicide.
378
00:16:41,920 --> 00:16:44,140
And you know my fish I had on my desk at the office?
379
00:16:44,140 --> 00:16:46,520
No. That's because it only lived for two days.
380
00:16:46,520 --> 00:16:48,680
In fact, I think it drowned.
381
00:16:48,680 --> 00:16:51,310
I drowned a fish.
382
00:16:51,940 --> 00:16:54,090
What if I'm bad with the baby?
383
00:16:54,680 --> 00:16:56,150
There.
384
00:16:56,980 --> 00:16:57,750
What's so funny?
385
00:16:57,750 --> 00:16:59,830
Look what you just did here.
386
00:17:00,310 --> 00:17:03,330
You took care of me, and I'm the biggest baby there is.
387
00:17:04,140 --> 00:17:04,970
Hm.
388
00:17:04,970 --> 00:17:07,030
You don't have a mom problem; you have a sister problem.
389
00:17:07,030 --> 00:17:08,690
She finally outshined you at something,
390
00:17:08,690 --> 00:17:10,900
and it's bugging the crap out of you.
391
00:17:10,900 --> 00:17:12,650
It is!
392
00:17:13,170 --> 00:17:14,600
Davis!
393
00:17:14,600 --> 00:17:16,250
Buddy!
394
00:17:16,480 --> 00:17:18,140
Are you alone?
395
00:17:18,810 --> 00:17:20,770
Aw, screw it, I'm coming in.
396
00:17:23,250 --> 00:17:26,300
Holy crap! What the...?
397
00:17:26,920 --> 00:17:28,640
Aw, hey, Zack.
398
00:17:28,640 --> 00:17:30,970
You're late for the party.
399
00:17:31,030 --> 00:17:31,730
What happened?
400
00:17:31,730 --> 00:17:33,050
Dude, I was in a little something
401
00:17:33,050 --> 00:17:36,360
called a "manah-out-trois"
402
00:17:36,380 --> 00:17:37,610
And then I got a little something
403
00:17:37,610 --> 00:17:40,650
called "tied up and robbed."
404
00:17:41,800 --> 00:17:43,220
Why did you come here?
405
00:17:43,220 --> 00:17:44,520
You know, I just had this feeling in my gut
406
00:17:44,520 --> 00:17:46,140
that something was wrong.
407
00:17:46,140 --> 00:17:48,480
No, I meant, why did you come here?!
408
00:17:48,480 --> 00:17:51,640
I was sitting here basking in the glory of my experience.
409
00:17:51,820 --> 00:17:53,560
Although, my nose was getting stopped up,
410
00:17:53,560 --> 00:17:55,750
and I couldn't really breathe through my mouth,
411
00:17:55,750 --> 00:17:58,420
so I was probably moments away from death.
412
00:17:58,420 --> 00:18:00,490
Good instincts.
413
00:18:01,070 --> 00:18:02,130
Can you untie me, please?
414
00:18:02,130 --> 00:18:02,870
Yeah, in a sec.
415
00:18:02,870 --> 00:18:05,080
Hm?
416
00:18:07,310 --> 00:18:09,840
For the family album.
417
00:18:19,140 --> 00:18:20,550
Billie!
418
00:18:20,550 --> 00:18:22,720
Wait, I'm mad at you.
419
00:18:22,720 --> 00:18:26,280
Abby, you're about to be very excited.
420
00:18:26,280 --> 00:18:27,970
Oh, really?
421
00:18:27,970 --> 00:18:29,900
About our fight...
422
00:18:30,630 --> 00:18:32,910
I was feeling insecure...
423
00:18:32,910 --> 00:18:35,140
- Mm-hmm... - About becoming a mother.
424
00:18:35,140 --> 00:18:36,540
Yes?
425
00:18:36,540 --> 00:18:39,200
And... I reacted badly
426
00:18:39,200 --> 00:18:41,360
to how good you were at that class,
427
00:18:41,360 --> 00:18:42,260
and I was wrong.
428
00:18:42,260 --> 00:18:43,990
Yay!
429
00:18:43,990 --> 00:18:46,660
However, I do think that there's a slight possibility
430
00:18:46,660 --> 00:18:51,790
that you were actually trying to make me look bad...
431
00:18:52,620 --> 00:18:55,290
Well, now it is your turn to get excited,
432
00:18:55,290 --> 00:18:58,320
because you might be right.
433
00:18:59,100 --> 00:19:00,820
Yay!
434
00:19:00,820 --> 00:19:03,300
The truth is, you weren't bad at the class;
435
00:19:03,300 --> 00:19:05,200
you just weren't as good as me.
436
00:19:05,200 --> 00:19:07,450
Well, I did finally figure out that swaddling.
437
00:19:07,450 --> 00:19:09,220
I used tape.
438
00:19:09,220 --> 00:19:11,540
- Oh. That is clever. - Yeah.
439
00:19:11,540 --> 00:19:13,460
And unsafe.
440
00:19:13,880 --> 00:19:16,200
You're gonna be a great mom.
441
00:19:16,200 --> 00:19:18,530
And trust me, you are gonna be so happy
442
00:19:18,530 --> 00:19:20,840
that I'm good at this stuff, because at some point,
443
00:19:20,840 --> 00:19:22,490
you're gonna look at that kid and say,
444
00:19:22,490 --> 00:19:24,650
"I can't take another minute of your fat face,"
445
00:19:24,650 --> 00:19:26,770
just like Mom used to say to me.
446
00:19:28,350 --> 00:19:30,130
I love you.
447
00:19:31,730 --> 00:19:33,660
You're gonna be a great aunt.
448
00:19:33,660 --> 00:19:35,800
Oh.
449
00:19:36,070 --> 00:19:38,620
But why didn't you just call me and tell me?
450
00:19:38,620 --> 00:19:40,380
Why did you have to come here?
451
00:19:40,380 --> 00:19:42,220
Okay, who's up next?
452
00:19:42,220 --> 00:19:42,940
Oh.
453
00:19:42,940 --> 00:19:46,050
Because you showed me up at my class,
454
00:19:46,050 --> 00:19:49,040
so I'm gonna show you up at yours.
455
00:19:59,730 --> 00:20:02,680
Cross and tuck
456
00:20:02,680 --> 00:20:05,120
and fold...
457
00:20:05,120 --> 00:20:08,090
and wrap...
458
00:20:08,310 --> 00:20:10,520
and volar?
459
00:20:12,070 --> 00:20:14,950
This son of a bitch isn't going anywhere.
460
00:20:15,610 --> 00:20:18,010
See? You're already getting better at this.
461
00:20:18,810 --> 00:20:21,140
You're gonna be a great dad.
462
00:20:21,140 --> 00:20:23,340
Yeah, we're gonna be great parents.
463
00:20:24,020 --> 00:20:26,900
Well, I'm late for my pole-dancing class.
464
00:20:27,330 --> 00:20:29,740
I got tassels now and everything.
465
00:20:30,470 --> 00:20:32,630
Cool. I'm headed to the lesbian bar.
466
00:20:32,680 --> 00:20:37,230
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