All language subtitles for What We Do in the Shadows s05e02 A Night Out With the Guys.eng

for once, I agree with Gizmo.

You do overuse
the vampiric hypnosis.

-What? And you don't?
-I don't need to.

I can rely on my wit and wisdom,
not cheap tricks and gambits.

Electrical audio recording.

Testing. One, two and...

My point being,
I can wander about these humans

without having
to resort to hypnosis.

I'm a student
of the human condition,

a psychological chameleon,
one might say.

Well, one might also say

that you have hypnotized your
best friend Sean many times.

Yeah, to clear up your mess,
but I don't say anything

that causes Sean
any kind of alarm.

In fact, if you talk to Sean,
he'll tell you

I'm just one of the guys.

Well, he's my friend, too.

That's 'cause he's a nice guy,

which makes it
doubly embarrassing

when you say dumb shit like,

"I am a vampire,
I've lived for 2,000 years.

"I like to suck-a the blood.

"Oh, shit. I fucked up.

I'll now have to hypnotize
the whole fucking world."

-I don't do that.
-You do do that.

You just said "Doo doo."

Touché.
Can we get on with this?

♪ Don't sing if you want
to live long ♪

♪ They have no use
for your song ♪

♪ You're dead, you're dead,
you're dead ♪

♪ You're dead
and out of this world ♪

♪ Now your hope and compassion
is gone ♪

♪ You sold out your dream
to the world ♪

♪ Stay dead, stay dead,
stay dead ♪

♪ You're dead
and out of this world. ♪

I am not imagining anything.

Something is going very tits up
with my life.

-In what ways?
-I don't know, Colin Robinson.

How about, my nightclub
got destroyed by fire?

-Which you set.
-I was drinking

liquor blood every day
for months.

I know, my darling, but we did
all tell you to slow down.

-Slow down.
-We did tell you to slow down. And no one,

none of you told me
to slow down!

-Uh...
-And now, my poor, precious little dolly

has got her body all mangled
and minced up.

You did that by sitting on me.

While you were drunk
on liquor blood.

After we told you to slow down.

-Yes.
-This is never going to end.

Now, now, Nadja. There, there.
It is going to end.

And I have just the thing
that's going to help you.

Don't tell me, Nandor. Hypnosis.

Uh...

Hypnosis seems
to be Nandor's solution

to every problem.

And as a fellow vampire,
I find this artless,

and even embarrassing.

You plan to hypnotize my wife
free of all her woes?

-No, actually.
-Really?

What was it then?

You know what?
The atmosphere in this room...

-Hey...
-...is not really conducive to positive

contributions,
so just forget it.

-Surprise!

I'm back.

-Were you gone?
-Yes.

I was gone for a while.

I have been
sitting over there

at the Vampiric Council
headquarters

wondering if you guys were going
to come back.

After a while, I just decided,

"Maybe they forgot
I even exist!"

Says here we're on track

for a higher than usual level
of precipitation this month.

- No doubt.
-Mm.

So, what did I miss?

What's the old gang
been up to, huh?

Actually, I'm going to sit
in that chair in a few minutes.

No problemo.
It's more comfortable over here.

Any fun activities planned
for tonight?

Yes, we're off
for a night on the town

-with Sean and his friends.
-Ha, ha!

Is this like a
"Come one, come all" type deal?

Uh, not sure.

I'll give you a ring
when I get there.

-All right.

-But you don't have a phone.

That was weird, right?

I know it's hard
to break into a vampire clique.

Oh, no. What happened
to your little body?

-She sat on me.
-No.

They've never invited me
to live in the house.

Apparently, they are not allowed
to have a fifth vampire here,

due to some zoning regulation

that I have never heard of.

I was never much

of a wine guy
when I was younger.

-Same.
-But that's 'cause

we were drinking to get drunk.

Now that we're older,

you know, you can appreciate
the concept of moderation.

Or Charmaine told you
you better start appreciating it

if you don't want
to keep sleeping

on an army cot in the garage.

-Come on.
-Whoa. Why you got to bring that up?

Wine can of their wits
the wise beguile,

make a sage frolic,
and the serious smile.

Whoa! We got a fucking poet
over here.

Classic Laz.

Now I'd like to claim that
as my own,

it was actually written
a long time ago by Homer.

Oh. Homer's great.

-Yeah. D'oh!
-Yeah. D'oh.

-Yes!

Wine is very cool.

Um...

That was... Nandor.

-Hmm.
-Oh, me. But seriously,

yeah, how come you guys
never drink?

I mean, I don't think I've ever
seen you guys take a sip

of nothing ever.

-Uh...
-Never?

-No?
-No.

What's up with that?

Actually, uh,
I drink lots of fluids.

-Oh.
-Red fluids.

If Nandor were to engage his
brain just once before speaking,

he would not fall back
on hypnosis.

Much like your wine.

Except it is not wine.
Hmm.

Okay.

-What is it then?
-Um... -Um...

I don't know why I said that.

A real vampire uses

wit, wisdom and charm.

What he's trying to say is,
um, he's more

of a Red Bull and vodka guy.

-Oh!
-Oh! -Oh!

-Yeah.
-Yes, yes.

The reason
you don't see us drinking is,

'cause we pre-gamed
before we got here very heavily.

There you go.
Budget conscious.

And you never see us
eat anything

'cause I don't want
what's going down there

to come back up here
and across your stupid faces.

Yeah!

See? Little charm goes
a long way.

That was close.

And on top of this

bag of shit things
that keep happening to me,

I've got no one
to talk to about it.

I am here.

Yes, yes,
but you know what I mean.

I have got absolutely

no really close
female friends anymore.

None?

Nope. Go figure.

I just felt like

we had gotten closer

with the nightclub
and everything,

and...

So you're telling me

you have no close
female friends?

None at all.

What do I got to do?

It's got an ass-load of terroir.

-What the fuck do you know,
terroir? -What do you mean?

Nandor, uh, I don't know
whether you've noticed,

but Gizmo seems
a bit odd lately.

Yeah, I mean,
he's been a bit distant lately,

but I think it's because

I haven't given him
enough shit work.

You know what it's like
with familiars.

If you don't give them
enough shit work,

then they have too much time

to contemplate
their own pathetic existences.

I think
it might be something else.

I have a theory, but I could
just be imagining things.

I don't understand
what's taking so long.

How long did it take when
you were made into a vampire

to fully, you know,
become a vampire?

For me it was, like,
six to eight hours,

but as with all things,
your mileage may vary.

It's been three weeks.
Why am I not a vampire?

-I should be a vampire by now.
-Maybe you are one,

and you just don't realize it.

Okay, hang on.
Have you tried this?

Form of... Microchiroptera.

-No.

I can't do that. If I could
do that, I wouldn't be here.

-Have you tried?
-Yes, of course, I've tried.

Try now.

Okay.

Bat.

Whoa! That is some freaky shit.

Hey, Derek?
-Toilets!

-It's overflowing.
-Yeah, um, I've got to...

Hold that thought.

Derek!
-Coming!

I think
I have everything we need.

For what?

All these troubles
you're having--

I hate to say it,
but I think it might be...

a hex.

Do you mean, like, a curse?

No, no, curses are just
supernatural excuses

people make up for being losers.

Hexes, on the other hand--
that's a real thing.

Targeted harassment brought on
by your own past actions.

-Right.
-Let's just rule it out.

Is there anyone in your life,

current or past,
that you have treated unkindly?

-Nope.
-No one?

-No.
-Never?

-No.
-No one?

Nope.

-Oh, that's the way.
-Please stop fucking doing that.

-Why? Why?
-What's wrong with you?

Hey, hey, hey, hey, boys.

Why don't we just play nice?

No, it's bullshit.

That's a fucking
eight-dollar bottle of wine,

and he's putting ice in it!

That's what they do in France!

-Come on. Marone.
-Easy now, fellows.

Mikey's right.
That is what they do in France.

What the fuck do you know
from fucking France?

Oh! My cousin is from France.

Your cousin is
from fucking Quebec!

-How dare you.
-But I'm right, ain't I?

-Ain't I? Huh?
-Quit doing the fucking chin thing.

-Fuck you.
-Get the fuck out of--

Hey... stop it!

-Stop it!
-Shouldn't we, uh...?

No, I think
let them just carry on.

-They're having a great time.
You know, I think

Céline Dion is from Quebec.

- Céline who?

Céline Dion.

I don't know who she is.

-Vegas showgirl, singer type.
-Is she good?

Fucking bring it!

-Fuck you!

-That's not good.
-No it's not.

That's not good at all.

All right,
nothing to see here, everyone.

-Maybe we should,
uh, skedaddle. -Yeah.

-Whoops.
-You really got me.

-Oh.
-Sorry for the ruckus, Jimmy.

Not my name.
-We'll get this cleaned up

and squared away in no time.

I think
she's calling the police.

Why don't you hypnotize them,
Nandor? You're so fond of that.

I don't think
that will be necessary.

Maybe you fellas
should apologize to Jimmy.

-Not my name.
Sorry, Jimmy. -And offer

-to pay for the window.
-Yo!

-Shit.
-Who the fuck's

-this bonanza?
-Oh, go, go, go!

-What's going on here, fellas?
-Officer, thank goodness.

This window-- it exploded,

and it nearly blew the asses
off these guys.

-What guys?
-These guys. The, uh...

Uh...

-You need some help?
- No, I got this.

There were these guys.
This much we know.

But there was also this window,

-and the, uh...
-Mikey?

-I...
-Oh, fuck off, Terry. It was an accident.

Whatever, Mikey.
I'm filing a report.

Hold on there. Do you two fellas
know each other?

Yeah, Terry, Seany,

Frank and I-- we all went
to high school together.

Oh, so this is Terry?
These fellas-- they speak

very highly of you.

-This guy?
Get the fuck out of here. -No.

It's absolutely true.

I've waited a long time

to meet the world-famous
Terry from high school.

And now I have,
and I'll tell you something.

I'm not disappointed.

-For real?
-Oh, yes.

-Shit. That's good.
-Just a bit of charm.

And I'll wager

not many constables could think
of a creative way out

of this particular predicament,

and that's because
they're not Terry.

Sean, I don't know
what you're doing down there,

but it doesn't look
like a good idea.

Hey, Terry, see you next fall.

-Come on, book it. Let's go.
-Shit.

-All right.
-Eat shit and die, Terry.

-
- Where did you get those chains?

-From the car.
-What car?

-Right over here!
-Here.

Get in, losers!
We're going shopping!

No, no, no, no, no,
don't steal my car!

You stole my car back in school!

You sold me that piece of shit!

-Drive on, motherfuckers.

Eat shit, Terry!

Am I needed for this bit,

or can I just take a nap
while you do your--

Shh! Honestly.

It's this way?

Is it this way?
I'm listening.

No, no. Oh.

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

It's here.

-Is this yours?
-No,

but, no, I know this woman.

This is Yiaya Neikia.
In Antipaxos,

this is a very bad-luck woman.

A real shit-stirrer.

How did this get here?

That ought to do it.

Oh, my.

What?!

Oh.

This shriveled bitch!

Now that really ought
to do it.

Um...

-Oh, my...
What?!

Ew-kay.

This is a little bit
really bad, isn't it?

Didn't feel a thing.

Think I went out of bounds.

-Jesus.

Everybody good?

-Holy shit.
-Hey, look, I didn't even spill my wine.

-Nice.
-That was some GTA5 shit.

Yo, yo, Mikey, Mikey,
you got a little cut.

That's gonna be a good scar
in the morning.

-Yeah. Go ahead.
- Say, boys.

I've got a great idea.

What say we... call it a night?

Laszlo makes a good point.
Maybe we should all just

-go home and go to bed?
Oh! Look what I found!

-Look what I found.
-Oh! -Oh!

-Nice!
-Breaker 1-9, Breaker 1-9.

This is Rubber Duck.

-That's a good reference.
-Yeah.

-10-4, yeah.
That's nothing.

Look what I found.

-Whoa.

Why don't you
put that back in the car?

Laz is right.

We got to tell Terry about that.

Cop's not supposed
to lose his gun.

It's real bad.
I saw it in a movie once.

Yeah, we should leave the gun,

-go home and go to bed.
Empty the bullets, dipshit.

You know, that's a felony--
to have a loaded weapon?

Very loud.

What the fuck are you doing?

You told me
to get rid of the bullets.

-I said, empty the clip!
-That's what I'm doing!

-See? Now it's empty,

-idiot.
-Oh, shit. Terry snitched.

-Oh. Shit.
-We got to hit the bricks.

Go, go, go.
Come on, boys, let's go!

You're not coming?

Well, if you want
to be a coward, Nandor.

Freeze!
Put your hands up.

-Hands where we can see them.
-Uh, no, not really. I just thought maybe

it's what you wanted to do. Hi.

-Shit. There's a lot of them.
-Stay there, stay there.

-Evening.
-Evening, gentlemen.

I'm sure you're wondering

what are those two chaps doing
with one of our cars?

Firstly, there were these guys.

-Ah.
-This much we know.

But, also,
there was this window.

Uh...

-Nandor, would you mind
if I dealt with this? -Would you?

Now, tell me something, fellas.

Is it true what they say
about Staten Island policemen?

-Well.
-Well.

-You tried.
-Yup.

Not one of my finest moments.

I think
this could be a situation

where hypnosis is warranted.

I think you're right.

Go ahead.

No, well, you see,
there's a problem there.

Um...

I'm not very good at hypnosis.

Sorry. I didn't catch that.

I said, I'm not very good
at hypnosis.

I never have been good at it,

and I don't think
I ever will be.

-Nonsense.
-Well, it's not.

I mean, I can hypnotize Sean,
but only with your help.

And only
'cause his brain's fucked.

I should also admit that I've
been envious of your skills,

which I think is the reason why
I take the piss out of you.

Much as it pains me to say this,

if anyone can get us out
of this situation, Nandor,

I think it will be you.

Okay, then.

I will fix.

Guards!

So...

I am hexed, which...
is not great.

There is writing
on the hex picture,

but I haven't read
the Antipaxon language

in hundreds of years, so...

I am a little bit rusty.

Could you maybe help translate
this picture

-using your gray box?
-Sure.

So I had to get Colin Robinson

to help me translate
on his computer machine.

And he told me something,
which, quite frankly,

blew my mind apart.

Or you could just walk down
to Little Antipaxos

and have someone translate it
for you.

Wh-Which? There is
a Little Antipaxos? What?

Oh, yeah, not too far from here,

just above Little Italy.

That's the great melting pot
of America for you.

-The broad mosaic.
-No, no, shut up.

Are you saying
there is a Little Antipaxos

right here on Staten Island?

It's only, like,
a four-block-by-two-block area,

but it's there.

So much cheap crap and old fish.

It's like looking out the window
of my childhood home.

There is, in Staten Island,

a neighborhood known
as "Little Antipaxos"!

It is where all the Antipaxons

who come to America work
and live

and laugh and love.

I'm Nadja.

Three for joy.

Look!
This is the beach of Voutoumi!

I tried to lose my virginity
here so many times.

Souvlaki. Stifado!

The food of my youth!

Of course
the Greeks stole it from us,

and claimed it as their own,

but the real heads know

that it originally came
from Antipaxos.

I mean, it would be wrong
not to just try a little bit.

Mmm.

So worth it.

You can still sell that,
I think.

Thank you.

Oh, this place.

How fucking long
have we lived here,

and you never thought to tell me

there was a
Little Antipaxos neighborhood,

like, half a mile
from our house?!

You never asked.

Oh, look.

A shitty diner just like
my theía used to run.

Come on.

What did he say?
What did he say?

It is an Antipaxon thing.

-What does the writing say?
-Oh, um,

she says it says, "A simple act

"of kindness, compassion
and friendship

will remove the hexes
that is on top of your head."

Starting now, this a new me.

Kind, welcoming, inclusive,
sensitive

to the feelings of others.

What, what?

Oh, it's very complicated.

I-I don't think
you can understand.

No, I cannot say
I have heard of this before.

-This fellow you speak of.
-Derek. Derek's friend.

Uh, you wouldn't
have met him. -Yeah,

-because he lives in Canada.
-Yes.

Ah. So, he was turned
into a vampire

by a vampire,
but does not yet seem

to be a vampire?

Yeah, that's about the size
of it, yeah.

But, um, does that happen?

Uh... uh...

Neither of us have ever heard
of such a thing.

-Mm.
-Mm. Okay.

Oh. Could work, I suppose.

-What could work?
-He says maybe

repeat the turning process
with a different vampire.

Of course, that could make
your friend a vampire-and-a-half

or a double vampire,

but who gives a shit?
I don't know this freak.

Let us see what happens
when you turn a vampire twice.

Jonathan is my neighbor.

He used to run his leaf blower

all the day long
while I was trying to sleep.

So, I turned him into a vampire,
and now we're all good.

-My Liege.
-Oh.

How sweet. Arise, Jonathan.
We need your help.

-Your wish is my command,
My Liege. -Oh. Boop.

Okay, so since
I already turned Jonathan,

I guess, uh...
Yes, Derek, is it?

-Uh, yes, sir.
-Right.

Bite Jonathan and drink
some of his blood. Mm.

-Okay, um... Hi. Uh, Derek.
-Mm. Mm.

-Just gonna...
-Very good.

Now Jonathan,
have a taste of Derek's blood.

-Ah, okay.

Very nice.
Thank you, gentlemen.

So... did it work?

Ah, how are you feeling,
Jonathan?

-Uh, I feel fine.
-Ah.

I'm a little aggravated
because the motor

in this here edge trimmer
keeps conking--

So, at least now we know
one way that does not work.

Huh.

They really just gonna

let us walk out of here?

How'd you
pull that one off, Laz?

Actually, Sean,
it was I who, um...

At ease. It was I who convinced

your good friend Laszlo

to, uh, use his notorious charm.

-Yeah, yeah.
-Yeah.

Between us, Nandor,

what did you
say to them back there?

I just said that
we had solved all the crimes

that Sean and his pals
had committed.

And, also, I got them

to give their friend Terry

-a little promotion.
-Oh, really? Great.

And, just for funsies,
I told them

that I was
Captain Sully Sullenberger,

and you were the gentleman
with the moustache

in that cop show that you like.

Thomas Selleck in Blue Bloods?

-That's it!
-Good move.

-Look. There's Terry.
- Hi, Terry.

-Terry! Captain Dumbfuck.
- Well done, Nandor.

Reporting for duty.

I think I'll just
have the tak...

-Tak... tak...
-Tzat... tzatziki.

-I'll get it. Tack...
-Tzat...

Tacky. Tacky.
Uh, but without the, uh, yogurt.

Halt!

That was great.

At ease.

-At ease. At ease.
-Ah. There he is.

At ease.

-At ease. At ease.
-Hold on.

No, no, no, I'm with them.
I'm with them.

Gizmo, I need a word with you.

-Okay.
-Coppers, fuck off.

Yes, sir!
Thank you, Mr. Selleck!

I think it's about time
you came clean.

About what?

Well, the others aren't
as observant as I am.

But you've been off recently.

And I've been watching you.

-Uh-huh.
-Yeah.

I think we got
a bit of a problem, Gizmo.

The longer you keep it a secret,

it's gonna remain a problem.

I felt like I had
no other choice, okay?

I mean, Nandor's been
promising to make me a vampire

for 12 years, and it's
never come true, all right?

So, like, Derek, he was
right there, he's a vampire,

-so of course
I was gonna take-- Yeah. -Whoa, whoa.

I asked Derek to make me into
a vampire, but I regretted it

-the second
it happened because-- -What the fuck?

I thought you said
you figured it out.

No!

I just thought
you had the shits.

I was gonna tell you to steer
clear of the breakfast burritos.

Too much of the chilaquiles.

You let someone,
who isn't your master,

turn you into a vampire?

You fucking idiot.

I know, okay, I know.

And it seems to be taking
forever to take full effect.

And I don't know
what to do, okay?

So please,
please don't tell Nandor.

Tell Nandor?

This is the greatest humiliation

for any vampire.

I don't know if he would
even survive it.

All right, I've got an idea.

But you've got to do exactly
what I tell you.

Okay, yes, of course.

Despite the fact that you've
already been bitten

by a vampire, I could persuade

Nandor to bite you again.

No one'd be any the wiser.

I don't think that's gonna work.

You don't?

Well, then you're fucked.

♪ I just went to a funeral ♪

♪ I just said my goodbyes ♪

♪ I just felt
the cold hand of death ♪

♪ Pass before my eyes ♪

♪ Yeah, he's dead ♪

♪ He is dead ♪

♪ He's dead, Granny ♪

-♪ He's dead ♪
-♪ Dead ♪

-♪ He's dead now ♪
-♪ Oh, he's dead ♪

♪ I'm in the oxygen
you breathe ♪

♪ And I'm in the cayenne
on your sleeve ♪

♪ I'm on the outside
and the inside ♪

♪ At the same time ♪

♪ I'm in the sunshine
on your face ♪

♪ I'm in a very funky place ♪

♪ I'm in a dead dog's brain,
rotting on the highway line ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh. ♪

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