All language subtitles for Tripping.The.Rift.S03E13.1080p.WEBRip.x265-INFINITY_Subtitles01.ENG

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This is your universe.

This is your universe on drugs.

I'm so sick of schlepping
stuff around.

Am I the ship's engineer or
the resident UPS guy?

I've always considered you more of
a "jack-off" of all trades.

- This is a pain in the ass.
- Oh!

"Over a Bun Dance Ranch. "

- What is this place?
- It's a fat farm!

- They got a place to grow fat?
- No, you mental midget.

It's a place to drop
some extra pounds.

Then why don't they call it
the "fat depository"?

Or... or the "fat toilet"?
That's where I drop a load.

Remember, if we're going to
get rid of this stuff at a 400% markup,

we don't want to offend them.

So let's be sensitive
about their problem.

Yeah, we don't want
to scare these fatties off

and start a friggin' stampede.

Hmm.

We got nothing to worry about...

fat people are jolly, right?

Maybe you should leave
the talking to me.

- No, I got this.
- Psst.

- Are you the guy?
- Of course I'm the guy.

I thought you were fat,
not blind, lady.

- I'm not a lady.
- Oh, sorry.

I've never seen cans
like that on a man.

So what do you got for us?

For you, only the best.

Okay, now I see you've brought
several sacks of money,

so let's...
let's do a little business.

- What sacks of money?
- The ones under your clothes.

- Oh. So, how will you be paying?
- A check!

I'm amazed we got that
after the way you treated them.

He didn't treat them any differently
than he treats us.

Hey, Two-Ton Tessie,

when I want your
opinion, I'll...

wait... I never want your opinion.

We get no respect,
no money, no time off.

All we seem to get are childish,
derogatory comments.

- Stupid say what?
- No,

stupid says that joke more than once
and believes it will still work.

- What?
- Never fails.

- You're just encouraging him.
- Hey, leave me alone.

At least I'm not a bunch of adults
acting like little kids.

I'm a kid forced to act
like an adult.

I'm so busy loading
and unloading boxes,

I don't get to do anything
normal teenagers do.

Just once, I'd like to hang out with
someone under the age of infinity.

- He does have a point.
- Think about it...

I've been forced to skip
every typical rite of passage

and go directly to boredom.

I never got to steal
my parents' car

and get caught when they see
the cell-phone pix on my MySpace page.

And I never got to go to an all-night
rave hopped up on X.

And I didn't even get to
go to school,

making it impossible for me to have
sex with my Social Studies teacher.

Wow, you really are missing
the best parts of growing up.

Aw!

God, teenagers are so moody.

Okay, I wanna run over
and get this cashed.

Why don't you cretins hit
the post office and pick up our mail?

Oh, crap...

...I think they spotted us.
- Hell-io.

Would any of you like to purchase
our literature?

It's only five kronigs.

Any donation will cause the Father
to smile on you kindly.

Speaking of dear old Dad,
isn't that him over there?

You wanna go next, Whip?

Nah. People my age
don't use snail mail.

It's all text messages,
IMs and emails.

Sorry.

I might as well pick up Chode's.

Whoa... whoa.

Bill. Bill. Bill.

Ooh, a mortgage-reduction offer.

Aren't you throwing
the wrong things in the trash?

Have you ever known Chode
to pay a bill?

He never shorts a stripper.

Well, when MasterCard uses
peristaltic waves

to shoot ping-pong balls
out of her vagina,

Chode will pay with interest.

Hey, I think I've got
something here.

It's a free vacation at an all-inclusive
resort for the entire family.

Oh!
And we look like a family?

If the Jolie-Pitts can pass,

a cow, a lizard,
a purple penis with dreads

and two robots have a shot.

You boco-brained morons.
Yeah, it's a free trip,

but it's one of those scams where
they let you have a great vacation,

then force you into investing
in a boco time-share.

- Oh.
- It's perfect!

- It is?
- Yeah.

A way to get you guys to stop
bitching and moaning, and it's free?

With any luck,
I can scam the other guests

before the resort does.

Hell, if they're stupid enough not
to see through the BS in this letter,

they should be easy marks.

We knew it was a sales pitch.

We just didn't know
if you knew.

Hmm... it says here "no robots. "

For a free vacation,
I'll find a way to pass.

Surprise surprise.

- But what about Six?
- I'm organically based

with synthetic components.
You're...

A semi-intelligent toaster.

Jeez, would you guys shut up
before I change my mind?

- Does that mean we're going?
- Mmm.

We're going on vacation!

Oh, I can't wait
to play shuffleboard.

Club Meditation.

Doesn't it sound relaxing?

Welcome to Club Meditation,
madam.

If there is anything any of us can do
to make your stay more comfortable,

do not hesitate to... whoa,
what is up with your skin?

Oh, I told
the tanning-booth attendant

I wanted to be sprayed a beautiful
bronze for my vacation,

and he went a little overboard.

- Very fetching, Miss...
- Gussie.

Sheesh, I haven't been this excited
since the TV was stuck on C-SPAN.

Nah, maybe not.

Mmm!

Where's Whip?

With any luck, he's inside
signing us up for hula lessons.

Oh!
This is it.

Best in the place.
Nothing too good for you folks.

All right, look...
your tip is one kronig

no matter how much
you kiss my ass.

Consider yourself lucky.
It more than I get for kissing his...

Oh! Oh, no, sir.

I do not accept any tips.

It is just a pleasure to serve such
a nice family as yourselves.

Now don't forget...
anything that any of us can do...

How about we plan our itinerary?

I want to hit the bar!
I saw a guy in there

that couldn't take his eyes
off my middle breast.

I hear their crude-oil baths
do wonders for the complexion.

Welcome, new members of
our extended family.

We are pleased to announce we are
boarding our mandatory shore cruise

on the lido dock
at this time...

Well, it looks like our afternoon
is planned for us.

Great, we can get
the sales pitch out of the way

and spend the rest of our time
on their dime.

Whoa.

Someone pinch me.
I must be dreaming.

Ow!

A pinch to grow an inch,

a sock to grow a block.

I'm sorry,
I meant to say,

"Someone have sex with me.
I must be dreaming. "

Anyone notice something
special about the ship's hull?

That's right- it's equipped with
a glass bottom

so you may enjoy the views of
the various aquatic creatures.

Wow, I knew there'd be fish,
but look at all that beaver.

I dated a woman once
who had a glass bottom.

Very sweet but not
much to look at.

Joey, I don't know
if I can do this.

Dude, come on! There's people
who make coffee from beans

they pick out of monkey turds.
This ain't nothing!

Okay okay, I'm down.

Slam it, slam it, slam it,

slam it, slam it, slam it,

slam it, slam it... yeah!

Gene Simmons,
eat your heart out.

Now what do you want to do?

Let's all climb into
an old beater

and sing "Bohemian Rhapsody. "

Please make your way
to the theater

where there'll be a short presentation
about our lovely resort.

Time for the unexpected
high-pressure sales pitch.

Little did these
shiny happy people know

that when they netted
all these innocent little lemmings,

they caught a man-eating lion.

Go go go go go go go!

Whaaaa... hooo!

Dude, are you all right?

No. After all this liquor,
I can't feel squat.

What?

I think I just peed myself.
Ha ha!

I wish those geriatric stick-in-the-muds
could see me now.

Hell-io, Krishna. Hell-io, Krishna...

- Six, Six, wake up.
- Hell-io, brother.

Now I see why
they didn't want robots.

Hmm.
So much for cyborg superiority.

Hell-io, Krishna.
Hell-io hell-io, Krishna.

Hell-io, my children.

Hell-io, Father.

Now that you see
as I do

and do as I see fit,

I must ask your help
in saving all of life

under God's rule.

You see, the universe has had a plague
set upon it since its dawning.

And no, I'm not talking
about frogs or unhealable boils.

Those are commonly known
as herpes,

and there's nothing
we can do to stop those.

Believe me.
No, I'm talking about money...

the root of all
living kind's sins.

- I thought that was religion.
- We must gather it in great quantities,

huge quantities,
and remove it from temptation

so you may deliver me from debt...
er, evil...

all of us from evil.

Now go forth and save
your fellow beings.

Do the Holy Father's will.

Chode is disavowing money and
doing the bidding of the Lord?

Wait a minute,
where are the hidden cameras?

Ashton Kutcher, you little devil,
you come out here right now.

Sorry.
You not on the list.

Hey, what kind of crap is that?

Sorry, you not on the list.

We may not be,
but I think they are.

So they are.

Hey, Paris, Luanne, Shtutgaard!

Guys, it's me, Gus!

- How are you, sister?
- Huh?

No. Snap out of it.

Wow, I've got complete control.

And I'll bet that means
no more sissy jokes.

Yes, sister.

How about I take you all
back to the ship

and I'll be your new king?
Hmm?

Would you like to
make a donation?

Okay okay, that money-grubbing
thing could be a problem.

Oh!
Hey hey, brothers and sisters.

Thank you for your kind donation.

The Father will surely bestow
God's grace upon you.

Thank you for
your kind donation. The Father...

Please just shut up,
will you?

I'm all out, guys.
Will you take a check?

Thank you anyway.
The Father will surely...

Stop it now. I can't take all
this syrupy sweetness another second.

We understand.
Thank you for your time.

Oh!

Okay, well,
you met Paris and her friends.

Oh, and that's Lindsay. Most of us guys
just call her "fire crotch. "

Hey!
You want a taste?

Sure!

Hey, what are you doing, dude?

She's just asking if
you want some drugs.

I don't think so.

I'm already sh... faced
from all the beer.

But this will enhance
the sexual experience.

I don't feel any different.

Wait on...

I feel like the biggest stud
in the entire girl!

Ha ha!
I said "girl. "

Dude, I am so wasted!

- Whoo!
- Hey hey!

Slow down.

Oh, get lost. You're just jealous
'cause all the women

love me!

Me, baby, me.
You... you poor excuse for a dude.

Uh-oh, looks like somebody's
an angry drunk.

No, I'm not!

Maybe somebody's
a judgmental drunk, huh?

You!
You ever think of that?

By the way, pal o' mine,
got any more of those pills?

Hey, guys, you know what?

The Father... THE Father...

told me you all should come back
to my ship. Mm-hmm.

Just follow me and I'll give you
sacks full of money.

Hell-io hell-io hell-io,
Krish Krish Krish Krish...

- What's that all about?
- Who knows?

They show up here
and after a day or two,

their brains are fried.

You ever tried getting
fried brain stains out of a carpet?

I've found a tablespoon of salt
dissolved in seltzer

- does the trick nicely.
- Thanks for the tip!

Hmm.

Brain fried?

Brain fry?

Are you kidding?
I'm finally living here.

I've never felt better
in my life.

Maybe you're right.

This is the place to be and
you're the perfect dude to be here.

You're the man, Whip!
You're the man.

Hey, Joey,
I feel like I'm gliding.

These pills
are kick-ass!

How to get you
out of this trance?

Thank you.
May I have another?

Ha ha ha ha ha!
Okay, now what?

Watch. Oh, no, wait a minute...
television puts you into a trance,

it doesn't take you out of one.
Oh!

This is beyond frustrating.

You went from intelligent beings to
moronic twits in the space of a minute.

Oh, I need some help here.

Who knows about this
sort of thing? Who?

Whip!
You teenage mutant ninja lizard,

you zone in and out like that
10 times a day.

Come on, Whip, pick up.

I need your help here.
I can't save them by myself.

Hey, this is Whip's girlfriend, Jenny,

and you've reached Whip's cell.
Leave him a message after the...

Wait a minute. There's a GPS beacon
in Whip's phone!

There you are!

Why am I talking to myself?
There I go again.

Oh, and again.

Good evening, Mr. Whip.
My name is Dr. Hoffman

and I'm here to help.

Then give me something,
'cause I'm coming down hard, man!

- I need a fix.
- I'll let you in on a little secret:

I know exactly
what you're going through.

- You used to be a junkie?
- Oh, good heavens, no.

I invented
the mind-altering drug you took.

See, I make money on
the front end,

and when idiot kids like you
put it in their bodies,

- then I make even more to treat them.
- Just give me something!

Relax.
You'll be well taken care of.

Now where should
we put you? Hmm.

Well, there's
the Robert Downey, Jr. Suite,

the Mel Gibson,
the Rush Limbaugh,

the Liza Minnelli, the Kurt Cobain-
Courtney Love honeymoon suite,

the Charlie Sheen, the Billy Joel,

the Whitney Houston,
the Matthew Perry, the Nick Nolte,

the Nicole Richie, the Robin Williams,
the Elizabeth Taylor,

- the Kate Moss...
- I don't care!

- The Whitney Houston!
- Good choice.

You'll find it between the Kennedy
and Osbourne family timeshares.

Huh?

Dah dah ughh!

- Time for your meds.
- Ahh!

- What is it?
- The same thing you're addicted to.

How is that gonna
get me off the stuff?

Ah-ho! No, we're not trying to
get you off of it, silly.

We'd never have
any repeat business.

You're here to learn to
disguise the symptoms

and increase your functionality
in a private and protected atmosphere.

Trying to get you off it!

Mr. Whip, good morning.
You're looking fine.

May I recommend
the sugar cereals?

Nothing keeps a good buzz going
like some fortified poison.

Thank you, thank you.
I've been craving some Krisp.

Y- y-y-you got Krisp?

Sure. And each guest is provided
with their very own couch

to eat and sleep on
till late afternoon.

- Daytime TV?
- Nothing but soaps and Springer.

You've got this drug lifestyle
down to a science.

- We aim to please.
- I don't understand.

This drug was designed
to be very powerful

and hard to kick.

Well, addicted or not,
I have to get him out now.

Our friends are in trouble,
and if we don't do something soon,

their brains will turn to mush.

If we don't do something for Whip,
his brains will turn to mush.

Yes, but in Whip's case, it doesn't seem
like such a big loss, you know?

Yeah, I see your point.

Grace, can you have Whip
brought into my office?

Yes, Doctor.

I knew I should have put him
in the Britney Spears suite...

built-in revolving door.

Come here often?

Oh, about ever six months.
It's great.

You can relax,
score drugs legally,

and parents aren't around
to give you shit about it.

Yeah, this place is awesome.

I'm sorry,
but are you famous?

No, not yet. My sex tape doesn't
drop till next Tuesday.

You wanna come to the premiere party?
It's gonna be off the hook.

Ah, I don't know.

I like it here so much,
I may never leave.

Hey, what's going on?

- Someone's here to take you home.
- Nooooo!

We've got to hurry.

Chode and the girls are going
to turn into vegetables

if we don't figure out a way
to unbrainwash them.

And why do you think
I can help?

Because you're the smartest
vegetable I know.

Hey, Whip,
you forgot something.

- What's this for?
- What you seek is inside.

- My soul?
- Look inward

- and you will find happiness.
- I'm not following.

Break the friggin' statue open and
there's a stash of drugs inside.

Oooh! Thanks.

Come again!
Real soon.

- Peace...
... and tranquility...

...throughout the universe.

Ha ha ha! Oh, man.
We gotta mess with them a little.

- I already did, okay? There's no time.
- All right, all right.

- What are we gonna do?
- I don't know.

You tell me what you do to pull yourself
back from the edge of retardom.

Let's see...
I sometimes rub one out.

Orgasms always seem
to improve my focus.

Uh-huh?
A nap? Video games?

Staring at Six's wet naked body

via the camera in the vent
above her shower?

It's worth a try.

Tha... tha... thank you,

my... my brother.

Oh my God, it's happening.
What are we going to do?

We have to alter their minds
or they're doomed.

A- a-alter their minds?

- Are those drugs?
- There you are, my precious.

Oh ho!
They want to destroy the precious!

We won't let them,
will we, precious?

Take your fingers out of my mouth
or I'll bite them.

- Go ahead.
- I will. Trust me, I'll do it.

Ouch!

- So are these mind-altering drugs?
- Yeah, but they're all I got.

I need 'em. Come on, man,
just a taste. Just a little taste.

I guess becoming an addict is better
than your brains turning to oatmeal.

No! No!

But if they're going to
end up like you,

perhaps I should have
let them go.

- W-what's going on?
- Is this the resort spa?

Hey, who put me
in a friggin' dress?

- Is this your idea of homo fun?
- They're ba-a-ack!

Wow, we cleaned up.

We should go religious
a little more often.

And I don't know what the hell
that brainwashing does to you,

but I've never felt so rested.

Me neither.
I'm a new woman.

I feel like I can run a mile
in under four minutes.

- How wonderful for you all.
- What's your problem?

I'm feeling more tired
and stressed out than before.

I need a vacation
from our vacation.

Ahh... ah ah ahhh!

I think the detox is working.

At least now he can shut up
about the missed childhood.

It sounds like he did more in a weekend
than most do all year.

Yeah, be careful what
you wish for, Whip.

All right, all right, Gus,
how about this?

The next time we go
on a vacation, you pick the spot.

Oh, Chode, that's the nicest thing
you've ever done for me.

Mmm, now where should we...

We're never going on
vacation again, are we?

Nope.