All language subtitles for Tripping.The.Rift.S03E12.1080p.WEBRip.x265-INFINITY_Subtitles01.ENG

www.tvsubtitles.net

Whoa, that was close.

I just about ran head-on
into James Doohan's ashes.

You've got to be kidding me.

Please Mom, I don't want
to go to school today.

The kids make fun
of my green freckles.

Ma, Ma, Ma.
Ma what?

- You fell asleep.
- In bed with cozy covers on.

Shame on me.
How will I ever live with myself?

We were having sex at the time.

Oh. Well I... I did have
a long hard day.

Speaking of long and hard,

you weren't the only thing
that fell asleep.

Yeah right. The old diving board
never loses its bounce.

What did you do to me?

Is this some kind of joke?

Did you tie it
to my leg? What?

Don't blame me
for your shortcomings.

I'm in tip-top condition

Oh come on Six,
you must be off your game.

Are you due
for your 30,000 mile tune-up?

Fine. How about
I go give Whip a test drive?

The boy survives, you win.

The boy dies
with a smile on his face, I win.

No, no, no, you can't.

The others will all know
something's wrong with me.

Besides, Whip's not a fair test.

He'd pop off
if you licked your nipple.

Maybe it was
the keg of beer I drank.

No, I usually drink twice that
and I'm still good to go go go.

Wait a minute.

When all else fails,
there is one place you can turn

that will never
keep a good man down.

This is a classic.

"Wonka's Willy
in the Chocolate Factory. "

Wow, look at that.

Mmm, hmm.

Who can take a stripper,
sprinkle her with dew

Cover it in chocolate,
a dab of G Y or two

- The candy man...
- The candy man can't.

It's not working.

Crap.

Hey, maybe it's just
a lack of exercise.

Are you kidding?
This baby does more drilling

than an Edmonton Wildcatter.

I wasn't talking about your penis.

I was talking about you.
Exercise helps the blood circulate.

Oh.

What in heaven's name
is going on here?

- Exercising.
- You exercising?

That's like Whip working,

or T'nuk listening.

Or you shutting the...
hell up.

Yes, something like that.

So what's this sudden interest
in fitness all about, hmm?

Worried about your heart?
Oh no, wait, you haven't got one.

Oh, afraid you've grown
a little chubby?

Or better yet, afraid
that your little chubby hasn't grown?

- Shut up.
- Oh that would be delicious.

Why are you
riding me so hard, huh?

Are you still put out
about not getting the time off?

I have been looking forward to my
"I, Robot 6 Revenge of the Smith"

cast reunion for months.

And you pooh-poohed
all over my plans.

You had one scene
and it was cut.

Still, I was a favorite on set.

Gus, they cut your scene

so they didn't have to invite you
to the premier.

Six called and asked.

You love pissing
all over my dreams, don't you?

And now it seems all you're good for
is pissing, hmm?

Get out!

Light as a feather,
stiff as a board.

Light as a feather, stiff as a board.

Light as a feather,
stiff as a board

No levitation,
nothing at all.

It didn't even move.

No no no no no.

We can get the Ouija board
out of the closet and try raising the dead.

All right, you guys,

what's so goddamn funny?

Nothing. Nothing, sorry.

Six, you told them,
didn't you?

You are so dead.

If Chode was dead
his problem would be solved,

because rigor mortis
would set in.

- You did tell them!
- I didn't say anything.

Gus was the one
that sent out the mass email.

But seriously, people,

we should be helping here,
not hurting.

Hmm, maybe if we figured out
the root of his problem.

Maybe it's just old age.

Hmm, unfortunately
he's relatively young.

Maybe it's God
punishing him for his sins.

If that were the case,
he would have been struck by lightning

- a long time ago.
- True that.

I think it's his own
guilt-riddled conscience

that has decided to do to him

what he is constantly
doing to us.

- Which is?
- Holding us down, of course.

Enough. I don't remember
signing a waiver

allowing you to pick over my brain
like some guest on Dr. Phil.

I think we're just in a rut. We need
to mix things up, try something new.

How about a little blue pill?

Now, here's a guy
who's trying to help.

What are you doing
with those things?

I picked them up
from a guy back on Solarius 12

just in case I got lucky.

- Did you?
- I won five Kronigs on a lottery scratcher.

Hey, I think
I'm feeling something here.

Quick, Six, let's get out
of that rut we were in.

Let's boldly go
where no man has gone before.

Or at least we haven't.

- Dealer's choice.
- Mmm!

How about
a little outdoor in n' out?

Sex in public?

Yeah, the thrill of being watched,
it'll give me a little extra boost.

But, Chode, we're on a spaceship.
Where's the public?

Chode,
I hate to interrupt your flow,

But I think Six
is sitting on the thrusters.

Yeah baby, now you know
how they got their name.

Must we be party to this?

I'm not sure
Six is even party to this.

- Look closer.
- Hmm, it seems the cat is out of the bag.

Yep, the pig is definitely
out of the pen.

I don't think it was ever in it.

Let me see those pills.

This isn't Viagra.

The guy sold you
spearmint breath mints.

- Should I tell him?
- Isn't it more humiliating if we don't?

Well, all this rocking
is gonna make me puke.

Hey, big boy.

Can you move
off the thrusters?

I'm getting
space-sick over here.

Only... if...

you... shut up!

Chode... now she's firing...

Hey, peanut gallery, please,

pretty please with sugar,
shut the... up and watch, all right?

Did you know that the phrase
"peanut gallery"

was first used to describe
the young audience

attending the Howdy Doody...

- Quiet!
- Sorry.

Oh yeah, baby.

Ooh, yes...

Use the force.

- Who was that?
- One of Dick Cheney's cronies.

Did you feel that, baby?

The earth is moving.

- That must mean I'm almost there.
- No.

Wow, the sex is so good
my head's spinning.

Chode's so good
he's got the whole ship spinning.

- Huh?
- Chode, the ship really is spinning.

I didn't have the nerve to tell you,

but you've been dry-humping me
from the get go.

Like an old man
with a bad leg.

You've got a bit of a limp.

No way.

No, man! No!

Oh my God. If what I think
has happened, has happened,

the world
may be coming to an end.

I feel the same way.

Bob, power up all stabilizers.

Apparently a stray phaser blast
hit a dark energy star.

- A what?
- A star made up of dark energy.

The force that pushes
against gravity's pull.

It looks like the shot's released
the energy, creating an imbalance.

Sort of a black hole in reverse.

Ooh, I'm so scared.

If this bulging goes unchecked
it will expand the universe,

sending planets and stars
careening into parallel universes.

- Oh.
- My life is over anyway.

Who cares about the universe?

Is someone gonna blame us
for this screw-up?

'Cause it actually
was Six's fault.

It wasn't me,
it was Chode's.

Chode's big ass
wasn't sitting on the phaser button.

Look, it doesn't matter.

There will no longer
be life in the universe.

Don't you understand?

Does that mean running away
is not an option?

Okay, so what you're saying,
if I may be so blunt,

is we've got to do something,

before all life as we know it
is wiped off the face of the...

What's bigger than the universe,
that it could be wiped off the face of?

If galaxies make up the universe,

what do universes make up?

A universe super-sized?

I bet Alex Trebek would know.

Or that guy in the wheelchair.

- What's his name?
- Ironside?

That guy on "Lost"...
John Locke.

But he could walk
as soon as they crashed.

He'd still know the answer.

- No, come on, the scientist.
- Professor Charles Xavier.

Stop it. You're standing around
playing 20 questions

while the universe
hangs in the balance.

Can we please focus?

- I'm sorry.
- Yes.

I still think it's John Locke.

It's Stephen Hawking.

Listen, the only way we fail here
is if we fail to try.

What if we try and fail?

Quiet. Look, we can do this,
we can.

This is a gut check, and I for one
am going to meet it head on.

- Are you with me?
- You bet!

Chode, let me go.

Look you inspired me, baby.
I'm not going down without a fight.

God, you're hot
when you're bossy.

Chode, the entire universe
is going to be destroyed.

- Okay.
- Now what?

Chode.

You self-centered idiot.

I've got to get back there
and help the three stooges.

Oh.

- No!
- Too late.

Either you help me
get my sexy back,

the sooner the better,
or we literally die trying.

- What's it gonna be?
- Fine, fine.

What turns you on?
What always gets you going?

Aha. You love to watch, right?

I like your thinking.

Anything? Anything at all?

- Mm-mmm.
- Nope.

Guys, come on.
We've got to do something.

Look around.
If we aren't the heroes, there ain't any.

Heroes? Hmm.

What would a superhero do?

Whip, would you pull your head
out of the comic book clouds,

and think real for a minute?

Yeah, I got it. I totally got it.

Bob, I need you
to orbit the star

as fast as you can,
counterclockwise.

- What?
- We can stop the thing from starting.

What are you talking about?

We're gonna turn back time.

If Superman can do it,
so could we.

Yeah, get off. You can do it!

Get off!

Ah, you know I'm so glad
they wrapped everything up

with this "Gilligan's Island"
TV movie.

It just didn't feel right to end
without them being rescued.

Chode.

- We're almost up to speed.
- I don't know, guys.

Time travel only seems
to work in the movies,

or on TV, you know?

T'nuk is right, Whip.

And have you ever noticed,
the writers just change the rules

to service their story?

Yeah, how come the people

who are aware of time travel
don't regress...

only the people
who are unaware?

How does that work?

- 10 seconds.
- And the always go back

to exactly the right spot in time

in order to alter the future.

Guys, please, a little faith.
This can work.

All right.

Whatever you say.

Four, three, two, one.

It's working, it's work...

- Wow, I'm having a dйjа vu.
- Me too.

Dйjа vu? Isn't that the name
of a strip club?

Guys, come on,
we gotta do something.

Look around. If we aren't
the heroes, there ain't any.

Heroes? Hmm.

What would a superhero do?

Whip, would you pull your head
out of the comic book clouds,

and think real for a minute?

Yeah, I got it. I totally got it.

Dйjа vu
is when you get the feeling

that what you're experiencing
happened before.

Can we please focus
on the task at hand?

I thought I had a plan,
but it went right out of my head.

Someone is dйjа dumb.

I don't hear you
coming up with anything.

Hey, how about
we blow the damn thing up

before it blows us up?

Isn't this how we got into this mess,
by shooting at it?

Well, yeah, sort of.

But you give a bear
a flesh wound,

it pisses him off,
making him even more dangerous.

- You kill it...
- And he's a rug in front of your fireplace.

Let's get that bitch or die trying.

Chode, please.

I promise. I'll get your magic wand
to perform tricks again.

Just let me out of here
so I can save us.

Without sex
I have no reason to live.

Uh, hey guys, all of us out here

are actually trying
to save something more than our pride.

So if you've got anything
even mildly explosive,

please send it on out.

We're planning
on blowing up that star

before it destroys
every living thing.

Blow it up? How does that
make any kind of sense?

Listen, Toots.
If you'd concentrate on your real job,

instead of pretending
to be the science officer,

you'd be done in there
and out here helping us.

So until that happens,

keep your opinions to yourself.

Oh, so you think
you could get him to pop?

Like a balloon
at Hellraiser's birthday party.

Usually I'd think you two
fighting over me was kind of hot,

but now it's just boring.

Please Chode,
you've got to let me go.

I get my release,
you get yours.

Hmm.

You know
what we haven't tried yet?

A little S&M.

You know you love it
when I'm your strict,

powerful
whip-wielding mistress.

Hmm.

See, with the right motivation,

you come up
with some pretty good ideas.

- Shut up.
- Ooh yeah!

I like it rough.
What's the safety word?

- No really, shut up.
- That's it?

Whip, come to Chode's cabin
right now.

He's locked me in and the key's
on the floor right outside the door.

Humanity's calling,
and it's high time I answered.

That's everything.

Let's go.

Okay, Bob, I want you
to throw photon bombs,

phasers at full power,
everything we have at the star.

But you've got to time it
to coincide with the shuttle's impact.

Tell me when.

Grab hold of something.

Wait for it!

Now!

No, don't do it.
Tell me I'm not too late.

You're right on time

to see the moment of triumph,

- the day I saved the universe!
- No.

- All right!
- Oh yes, so wonderful.

What a relief.

Hold on a minute.

If we have a minute.

Well, since we're all doomed,

I have a confession to make.

We know.
We've always known.

No, not that.

This whole thing,
the star expanding,

and the universe
being pushed apart,

it's all my fault.

No, this is all
Chode's penis's fault.

Well, not really.

Remember how he wouldn't
let me go to my little cast reunion?

- Yeah.
- I was a bit miffed by it,

and, well, feeling
a little vengeful.

- So?
- So I played a little joke on Chode.

I put potassium nitrate in his beer.

I don't follow.

Potassium nitrate,
you know, saltpeter...

the reverse Viagra.

- That's funny as hell.
- No it isn't.

How did you get free?

I swallowed the ball gag, then chewed
through the ropes with my teeth.

Best of luck
on the can tomorrow.

Oh, you're so dead!

Wait a minute.

Why are we protecting him?

He's killed us all
with his little game of revenge.

I am so sorry, everyone.

It was just supposed to be a joke.

Chode, look on the bright side.

The effects
are only temporary.

Okay, but I'm not done
with you.

Hmm.

Unfortunately, it looks like
we have no time to be patient.

There's no stopping that star.
It just keeps expanding.

We have to. At least
until the saltpeter wears off.

- Now he's on board.
- Before I had nothing to live for.

But if we can beat this thing,

it'll give my dark star
time to expand,

and believe me,
I'll take that opportunity

to slip it into your black hole,
if you know what I mean.

Oh, so subtle.

Wait a minute...
dark energy star, black hole!

Okay, we got it the first time.

How many times
are you gonna repeat it?

Just shut up, you Bovidian numb nut.
This could work.

Six, if you bring
a dark energy star

in contact with a black hole,
what would happen?

For me, a little pain, but I usually
get used to it after a while.

No, out there.

They're opposites. The two forces
should cancel each other out, right?

Chode, that is right.
It could work.

Ah, no biggie.

We're just
going to move a black hole

from one side
of the universe to the other.

- What would we use, the transporter?
- Why not?

Something so large and dense
has never been transported.

Well, except for T'nuk.

I'm trying hard
to pretend you no longer exist

in order to get through this,

but you keep running
your damn yap.

I just thought a little levity
in times of stress would be beneficial.

- Shut up.
- I'd suggest we give it the old college try,

but I don't think
any of us went to college.

- I'm in.
- Me too.

Ah, all right.

If it'll make things
right among all of us, count me in.

Save the universe or not,
you're dead.

If we increase
the clocking speed,

we should be able
to handle a black hole.

Hurry, we've only
got a few minutes.

I don't want to interrupt
this touching teamwork moment,

but there's no way I have
enough power to get the job done.

Power?... a duck.

Keep at it. With a little luck,
there's a way.

There's got to be
something here we can use.

Come on, come on.
There!

Whip, T'nuk,
get the transporter ready.

We only have time
for one shot at this.

Let's go, Chode.
We're gonna rope us some electricity.

Here, attach this
to the ship's main power supply.

The Federation power grid
has a trans-planet line

a little way off the port side.

I'm gonna need you
to jettison me out of the hatch.

Hopefully I can reach it in time.

Don't wait for me.
If I make that connection,

transport the black hole.

But if something happens to you,

I wouldn't know...

I wouldn't know
who to have sex with.

I know in your own way,
that was "I love you. "

Put down the crack pipe,
and come back to reality.

Six, I can't let you do this.

I thought I told you
to keep it zipped.

Butt out!

Now you'll have to forgive me.

- He needs more cable.
- That's all we got.

He touched the third rail!

Whoa! Whoever said
"power is intoxicating"

knew of what he spoke.

Bob, are you getting high?

Oh, cobwebs
on my face, cobwebs.

Dude, do I even have a face?

- Whip, now!
- Here goes everything.

Huh?

Wow, pretty colors.

Colors that have never existed

before this moment in time, man.

What a trip. Dudes, you should see this.

It's like your faces
are melting like candles.

I am so wasted.

The pain!

We did it!
Group hug.

I love each
and every one of you dudes.

Hmm.

Ah, after what you did,
I think we can forgive you.

You've learned your lesson.

But no more
practical jokes for you, dude.

Oh you guys.

I am so sorry.

It must be residual electricity
from my heroic mission.

- No problemo.
- We understand.

That made my loins tingle.

No more
practical jokes for me.