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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
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Is there a statue of a
recently deposed dictator
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00:00:04,254 --> 00:00:07,257
dominating the discourse
of your downtown square?
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00:00:07,257 --> 00:00:10,052
Got a monument to a wicked white racist
4
00:00:10,052 --> 00:00:12,095
that you want gone by yesterday?
5
00:00:12,095 --> 00:00:16,183
Has an iron and/or marble
effigy to a shameful past
6
00:00:16,183 --> 00:00:17,809
fallen on one of your friends,
7
00:00:17,809 --> 00:00:19,811
smashing them to absolute smithereens?
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Oh, no! Ooh!
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Then you need to call
me, Steven Santelmo,
10
00:00:24,608 --> 00:00:28,570
from Steven Santelmo
Statue Removal and Supply.
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00:00:28,570 --> 00:00:31,823
Me and my adult children
will come to wherever you are
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00:00:31,823 --> 00:00:35,619
to remove the eyesore that
you saw before you called me.
13
00:00:35,619 --> 00:00:38,121
We've got the toppling tools you need
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00:00:38,121 --> 00:00:39,331
to get a fresh start.
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Next card.
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Why you're, uhh or me. You're prob...
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00:00:44,837 --> 00:00:46,880
So come on down to our showroom,
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which is near my family's home.
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The home that I have been
in a lengthy legal battle
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with my siblings over for years.
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Let's just say there's no
statue of my brother Barry there.
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Yeah, right. Barry could even pay
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the fucking property taxes where I live.
24
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He's a dud. His kid's
a dud. His wife's a dud
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Even his fucking dog's a dud.
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That's why you gotta call me.
27
00:01:07,359 --> 00:01:10,988
And even though my rat brother is
no longer involved in the company,
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this is still a family
business. Come on.
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Come here. Give Daddy
a hug. There we go.
30
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Hey, can you smile?
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Jesus fuckin' Christ.
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You're on a commercial with me.
33
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History of The World, Part II!
34
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"The Story of Jesus"
35
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I got about nine of them
here! Anybody need a cable?
36
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In 33 AD,
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Jesus and his apostles were
the hottest group in Jerusalem.
38
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But, with the Romans
looking to arrest Jesus,
39
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the group got together
40
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to record what would be
41
00:02:00,162 --> 00:02:02,664
his final sermon. Here we go!
42
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These are "The Last
Supper Sessions." Go, baby!
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Here we go, here we are.
44
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Hello, hello, hello.
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It's another peace and love.
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Another beautiful morning.
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Another camera morning.
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Peace be with you, lads!
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Ooh, we had a rough one last night.
50
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Mm.
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Little bit too much of the myrrh.
52
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You can overdo it on the myrrh.
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- Hello, lads. Hello.
- Judas! How are you?
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- You guys remember Harry?
- Hello, Harry.
55
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Luke. Good to see you, mate. Mark.
56
00:02:32,486 --> 00:02:34,988
Did you, uh, change
your hair there, friend?
57
00:02:34,988 --> 00:02:37,366
Oh yeah, I'm just trying this
new thing. What do you think?
58
00:02:37,366 --> 00:02:39,826
Uh, can I get away with it?
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00:02:39,826 --> 00:02:42,579
I don't play that white dread
shit, but, uh, you do you.
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Yeah. Hey, Peter,
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could you get me some
milk for my cup of tea?
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Judas! That's not what I do around here.
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I'm a sound engineer!
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I will say it is, uh, half past sand.
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Someone's late again.
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Thinks he's bigger than Jesus Christ.
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Well, he is Jesus Christ.
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- Right he is, he is.
- Point taken. Point taken, Luke.
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- Oh, speak of the devil! There he is.
- Jesus!
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Sorry, we're late, lads.
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We had a little problem
with Rolling Stone.
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We almost got run over by a boulder.
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Almost smushed us like a latke.
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00:03:12,067 --> 00:03:13,735
Well, now that we got
the whole band here,
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just wondering if we thought about
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where we were gonna play the concert?
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You know, it's a big concert film, so...
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You know, one thought
that I had was Rome.
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You know, we could play Rome.
Got a lot of friends in Rome.
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I... I don't... I don't know, man.
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- Nobody likes Judas' idea?
- No, it's not that.
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It's a tough crowd. I'd
love to do the Apollo Temple.
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- Oh, Apollo.
- Apollo's very nice.
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Oh, acoustics are good there. Sure.
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You know, we could always go
to the top of Masada, you know?
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The kids up there are, uh,
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they're a little too horny, maybe.
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- Kids from Long Island...
- Kids from Long Island.
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Feeling each other up.
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Hate to be cliché,
but what would Jesus do?
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What would He do? What would you do?
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Certain people want to know.
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Lads, I would just focus on the music.
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Oh.
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Just write the psalms, you know?
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Our message will bring people in.
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Well, it's easy to say when
you control all the publishing.
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Some of us only make
money off the live gigs.
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That's so materialistic.
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We should just play in our souls.
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- We should...
- Don't you think?
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Okay!
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All right. Can somebody,
uh, just tell me,
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when exactly did Mary join the band?
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00:04:25,349 --> 00:04:27,434
I mean, I thought we were the "Fab 12,"
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00:04:27,434 --> 00:04:29,937
but I guess, it turns
out we're the "Fab 13."
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00:04:29,937 --> 00:04:31,438
That's an unlucky number, isn't it?
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00:04:31,438 --> 00:04:33,398
I mean, she's one of
us, isn't she, mate?
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I wrote the chorus for Let It Baah.
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Hm, don't remember that psalm.
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- Let it...
- Baah!
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- Let it...
- Baah!
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- Let it...
- Baah!
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- Let it...
- Baah!
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Hey, lovely Peter milky maid,
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you wanna get me that
cup of tea and toast?
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- Ooh.
- Unleavened, please.
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00:04:48,914 --> 00:04:52,793
Thank you, Peter. Now, it's
time to make some hit psalms!
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And figure out where
we're gonna perform!
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Previously, on "The Civil War"...
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Ulysses Grant and
Honest Abe Lincoln's son.
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Any last words?
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We are three Union soldiers
on a rescue mission.
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- Hang 'em!
- Shit.
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- Nervous about dying?
- Nope. Need a drink.
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00:05:13,981 --> 00:05:16,149
- What's going on?
- We're escaping, that's what!
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Thought they was gonna
save Grant without my help.
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Dumbasses.
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00:05:25,951 --> 00:05:29,204
General Lee, I, again, apologize.
General Grant should be here...
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momentarily.
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It's just here in the South,
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we afford people common courtesy.
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Not all people.
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Mm.
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00:05:39,715 --> 00:05:41,216
Mm.
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00:05:41,216 --> 00:05:43,468
Robert E. Lee is not gonna surrender
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- to a man in his goddamn skivvies!
- I think you look great, sir.
138
00:05:46,471 --> 00:05:47,973
Todd, I put on 20
pounds since Gettysburg.
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00:05:48,557 --> 00:05:50,350
I need a uniform.
140
00:05:50,350 --> 00:05:51,935
You, Private!
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Strip down!
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Okay, Daddy!
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I need to end this war,
so I can get a drink.
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Come on, come on!
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00:06:00,444 --> 00:06:02,571
Why would you let me
take that guy's uniform?
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00:06:02,571 --> 00:06:04,281
You said to never correct
you ever again, sir.
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00:06:04,281 --> 00:06:06,658
Correction! Not all the time!
148
00:06:07,409 --> 00:06:09,995
Have you been watching
anything good recently?
149
00:06:09,995 --> 00:06:13,498
Oh, I've been, uh, binging campfires.
150
00:06:13,498 --> 00:06:14,833
- Mm.
- You?
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00:06:14,833 --> 00:06:17,628
I tried watching rivers, but
I just couldn't get into 'em.
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Ooh, stay with it.
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Ah!
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00:06:24,343 --> 00:06:27,346
Sorry I'm late, but I'm
here now, in my uniform.
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Why don't we sign this
treaty and end this war?
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All right? Here we go.
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Right here.
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Ah, ah, ah, ah.
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00:06:34,561 --> 00:06:35,938
Bobby, you're up.
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This is truly the most difficult thing
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- I have ever been called on to do.
- Uh, yeah. Just go ahead and sign it.
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- I pray that this never happens again.
- Right next to where I put mine.
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As a boy, my father taught me...
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Oh, what'd he tell
you? What'd he tell you?
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... sign to end the war!
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Huzzah! Who wants a drink?
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I do. You want a
drink? You want a drink?
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I'm buying. I'm buying...
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00:06:58,210 --> 00:06:59,837
My God!
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This place was impossible to find!
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I had to parallel park my own horse.
172
00:07:04,258 --> 00:07:06,802
- Who are you?
- Who am I?
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Who am I?!
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00:07:12,015 --> 00:07:13,267
Who am I...
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00:07:13,684 --> 00:07:15,894
Ah, yes! I...
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00:07:15,894 --> 00:07:18,397
am Maurice Cheeks. Notary Public.
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00:07:18,397 --> 00:07:21,692
I am the official that makes
anything you wanna make official
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- officially officialized.
- Oh!
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I also perform the occasional bris.
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00:07:25,571 --> 00:07:27,823
Sir, we've already signed the treaty.
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00:07:28,657 --> 00:07:30,033
You what?!
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You signed the treaty?!
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Who told you you can sign?!
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00:07:34,079 --> 00:07:38,041
You can't sign without
the notary public present!
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00:07:38,041 --> 00:07:39,793
Tell you what, you signed nothing!
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This treaty is useless!
It's garbage, I tell you!
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- No!
- Garbage!
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The civil war is still on! Ah!
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00:07:48,093 --> 00:07:51,013
Jesus Christ, why didn't somebody
tell me my ass was this big?
190
00:07:51,013 --> 00:07:53,807
Sir, this is important.
What if I said...
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"pretty please"?
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With sugar on top?
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00:07:56,727 --> 00:07:58,103
Please?
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00:07:58,103 --> 00:08:00,522
- Well, I do have a sweet tooth.
- All right.
195
00:08:00,522 --> 00:08:03,066
All right, but next time, you
two follow directions, get it?
196
00:08:03,066 --> 00:08:04,860
- Yes, sir.
- All right.
197
00:08:04,860 --> 00:08:06,069
- We need a new treaty.
- New treaty!
198
00:08:06,069 --> 00:08:07,237
- New treaty.
199
00:08:07,237 --> 00:08:08,363
- New treaty!
- New treaty!
200
00:08:08,363 --> 00:08:09,615
On the table, all right.
201
00:08:09,615 --> 00:08:12,743
Now, you, in the oversized
uniform, you sign right there.
202
00:08:12,743 --> 00:08:14,828
Yes, sir. Right there.
203
00:08:14,828 --> 00:08:18,081
Nicely done, and you, hot
Santa, right over there you sign.
204
00:08:21,084 --> 00:08:23,378
Sorry, boys.
205
00:08:23,378 --> 00:08:25,923
All right, let's make this official.
206
00:08:27,132 --> 00:08:29,635
Goddammit! I brought my mohel bag!
207
00:08:30,469 --> 00:08:32,429
Useless, unless anybody wants
208
00:08:32,429 --> 00:08:33,847
- to take a little off the top.
- No, thanks.
209
00:08:33,847 --> 00:08:36,391
All right. We'll improvise.
210
00:08:36,391 --> 00:08:37,601
Improvising!
211
00:08:37,601 --> 00:08:39,937
There it is! Official!
212
00:08:39,937 --> 00:08:41,647
The Civil War is over!
213
00:08:41,647 --> 00:08:44,525
And now, we triple kiss!
214
00:08:44,525 --> 00:08:45,526
Mwah!
215
00:08:49,571 --> 00:08:50,781
Who am I?
216
00:08:50,781 --> 00:08:54,284
I just wanna know why am I the way I am?
217
00:08:54,284 --> 00:08:56,161
Why do I like the things that I like?
218
00:08:56,161 --> 00:08:59,456
I have a hard time eating dairy,
and I always wondered why that is.
219
00:08:59,456 --> 00:09:00,791
I love riding horses.
220
00:09:00,791 --> 00:09:02,084
What is that about?
221
00:09:02,084 --> 00:09:03,377
I'll tell you what it's about.
222
00:09:03,377 --> 00:09:04,670
I'm Kublai Khan,
223
00:09:04,670 --> 00:09:07,464
and I had sex with all
these people's ancestors.
224
00:09:07,464 --> 00:09:10,217
And you can find out if
you are my progeny as well
225
00:09:10,217 --> 00:09:13,470
by signing up for khancestry.com.
226
00:09:13,470 --> 00:09:15,931
When I first heard of khancestry.com,
227
00:09:15,931 --> 00:09:18,350
I thought $600 is a lot of money,
228
00:09:18,350 --> 00:09:19,852
but I've learned so much about myself.
229
00:09:19,852 --> 00:09:23,647
I knew my mom's second
cousin was Flip Wilson's wife,
230
00:09:23,647 --> 00:09:25,190
but this is way cooler.
231
00:09:25,190 --> 00:09:28,193
I've always had this overwhelming urge
232
00:09:28,193 --> 00:09:30,988
to conquer and unify Eurasia.
233
00:09:30,988 --> 00:09:32,698
So, you might be asking yourself,
234
00:09:32,698 --> 00:09:33,949
what's all this shit about?
235
00:09:34,324 --> 00:09:36,910
Genghis Khan, AKA my grandpa Gengie,
236
00:09:36,910 --> 00:09:40,247
started the biggest empire
the world's ever seen.
237
00:09:40,247 --> 00:09:43,458
And I took that shit to the next level
238
00:09:43,458 --> 00:09:46,795
by creating trade routes to
the west, establishing currency,
239
00:09:46,795 --> 00:09:48,589
and balling my brains out.
240
00:09:48,589 --> 00:09:51,550
My empire even extended into Russia!
241
00:09:51,550 --> 00:09:54,761
That makes sense though
because, see, my ma is Russian.
242
00:09:54,761 --> 00:09:56,805
My dad's Italian, though. Hey, yo.
243
00:09:56,805 --> 00:09:59,308
All right, so a few years ago, I
started growing out my ponytail,
244
00:09:59,308 --> 00:10:00,976
and my coworkers
started making fun of me.
245
00:10:00,976 --> 00:10:02,895
They asked me if I
worked at Guitar Center,
246
00:10:02,895 --> 00:10:05,522
and then I realized that I
was related to Kublai Khan,
247
00:10:05,522 --> 00:10:08,483
who also had a ponytail,
so fuck you, Corey!
248
00:10:08,483 --> 00:10:12,070
I cheated on my wife for
years, but I never knew why.
249
00:10:12,070 --> 00:10:15,616
It's literally in my
DNA to spread my seed
250
00:10:15,616 --> 00:10:17,451
as far and as wide as possible.
251
00:10:17,451 --> 00:10:20,037
So, I told this to my
wife, Gloria, and she said,
252
00:10:20,037 --> 00:10:21,288
"Nah, that's bullshit."
253
00:10:21,288 --> 00:10:23,373
You know, I'm related to Kublai, too,
254
00:10:23,373 --> 00:10:25,626
but, uh, I didn't fuck the babysitter!
255
00:10:25,626 --> 00:10:29,505
First of all, it's not like a
teenage babysitter. This woman is 48.
256
00:10:29,505 --> 00:10:32,174
And second of all, she's a nice lady.
She's going through a rough time.
257
00:10:32,174 --> 00:10:33,926
I'm just trying to help
her get on her feet.
258
00:10:33,926 --> 00:10:36,428
Yeah 'cause she's spending
a lot of time on her back,
259
00:10:36,428 --> 00:10:39,515
with you on top of her, like
a big ol' fucking manatee.
260
00:10:39,515 --> 00:10:41,725
After I got my khancestry.com results,
261
00:10:41,725 --> 00:10:43,435
I took dairy out of my diet,
262
00:10:43,435 --> 00:10:45,479
and the rash on my back
cleared up within weeks.
263
00:10:45,479 --> 00:10:48,815
Oh yeah, I can't do dairy. Also cashews.
264
00:10:48,815 --> 00:10:50,317
So that means no almond milk?
265
00:10:50,317 --> 00:10:52,277
No, no tree nuts of any kind!
266
00:10:52,277 --> 00:10:54,446
Let me tell you something about
little Miss Perfect over here.
267
00:10:54,446 --> 00:10:57,741
She tells everyone that
she was in the Rockettes.
268
00:10:57,741 --> 00:11:00,536
She was not in the Rockettes!
269
00:11:00,536 --> 00:11:01,787
You don't listen, Barry.
270
00:11:01,787 --> 00:11:04,248
The Rockettes are a
group of my girlfriends
271
00:11:04,248 --> 00:11:07,417
who are fans of the
Rocky movies. That's all.
272
00:11:07,417 --> 00:11:09,253
I walk around the street, and I'm like,
273
00:11:09,253 --> 00:11:11,463
"Are you the spawn of Khan?
Are you the spawn of Khan?
274
00:11:11,463 --> 00:11:12,673
I'm the spawn of Khan!"
275
00:11:12,673 --> 00:11:14,341
Everyone thinks I'm insane!
276
00:11:14,341 --> 00:11:17,803
With the right leader,
we could unify the tribes.
277
00:11:17,803 --> 00:11:19,972
The Golden Horde is coming for you.
278
00:11:19,972 --> 00:11:21,890
- Khan!
- Khan!
279
00:11:21,890 --> 00:11:23,642
Khan!
280
00:11:23,642 --> 00:11:26,562
Go to khancestry.com and
get a testing kit today.
281
00:11:26,562 --> 00:11:30,174
Find out who you are, so you
can be the best you, you can be.
282
00:11:30,175 --> 00:11:31,191
Which is me.
283
00:11:31,191 --> 00:11:35,195
- Which is me.
- Which is me!
284
00:11:35,195 --> 00:11:36,196
Which is me.
285
00:11:40,826 --> 00:11:44,454
And now, back to "The
Last Supper Sessions."
286
00:11:44,454 --> 00:11:46,498
Oh...
287
00:11:47,958 --> 00:11:50,460
Come on down to the carnival.
288
00:11:50,460 --> 00:11:51,795
It's the carnival!
289
00:11:52,296 --> 00:11:54,548
You know, last night Yoko, was, um...
290
00:11:54,548 --> 00:11:55,799
I'm sorry, who?
291
00:11:55,799 --> 00:11:57,259
Mary. I said Mary.
292
00:11:57,259 --> 00:11:58,802
You said Yoko, mate.
293
00:11:58,802 --> 00:12:00,387
She's so clearly Yoko.
294
00:12:00,387 --> 00:12:02,931
It's not one-to-one,
but she's clearly Yoko.
295
00:12:02,931 --> 00:12:05,017
R-right, but it's not...
just not one-to-one.
296
00:12:05,017 --> 00:12:07,644
So, d-don't try to make direct
comparisons. We're not...
297
00:12:07,644 --> 00:12:10,272
Lads, you're distracted from the
point, mate. Like, last night,
298
00:12:10,272 --> 00:12:13,108
- she was doing her body art on me...
- Mm.
299
00:12:13,108 --> 00:12:14,902
... and shrieking in my ear,
300
00:12:14,902 --> 00:12:18,697
I-I just had this divine
inspiration, right?
301
00:12:18,697 --> 00:12:19,948
And it was a lyric.
302
00:12:19,948 --> 00:12:21,783
"Lovely Lucy, lovely."
303
00:12:24,244 --> 00:12:27,873
♪ Lovely Lucy was a pharaoh's daughter ♪
304
00:12:28,832 --> 00:12:32,586
♪ Pushing camels
through a needle's eye ♪
305
00:12:32,586 --> 00:12:34,755
Ooh. What if Lovely Lucy
306
00:12:34,755 --> 00:12:37,341
was a little bird, and she flies down,
307
00:12:37,341 --> 00:12:40,427
and she's wearing little
wellies 'cause it's raining out,
308
00:12:40,427 --> 00:12:42,346
and she's splashing in little puddles?
309
00:12:42,346 --> 00:12:44,181
And it's... it kind of, like,
310
00:12:44,181 --> 00:12:46,225
- rainbows start kind of...
- Yeah.
311
00:12:46,225 --> 00:12:48,477
You see little rainbows
in their eyes, you know.
312
00:12:48,477 --> 00:12:50,395
- I think keep going, mate.
- Anything for the chorus?
313
00:12:50,395 --> 00:12:53,607
- Do you have a... anything for the chorus?
- What if we, uh, what if we try...
314
00:12:55,150 --> 00:12:58,654
♪ Give back, give back ♪
315
00:12:58,654 --> 00:13:00,822
♪ Can't just take it with ya ♪
316
00:13:00,822 --> 00:13:02,324
♪ Gotta give back ♪
317
00:13:02,324 --> 00:13:04,785
Woo! You're beatin'
around the bush too much.
318
00:13:04,785 --> 00:13:07,704
You're talkin' about giving
back. You gotta say cash.
319
00:13:07,704 --> 00:13:09,081
You change the verse.
320
00:13:09,081 --> 00:13:12,584
♪ Give cash, give cash ♪
321
00:13:12,584 --> 00:13:16,088
♪ Or you can go to Hell
and burn the fuck up ♪
322
00:13:16,088 --> 00:13:17,089
See what I'm sayin'?
323
00:13:17,089 --> 00:13:18,924
You're the best marketer I've ever met,
324
00:13:18,924 --> 00:13:20,050
but I just wanna bring people in, innit?
325
00:13:20,050 --> 00:13:22,302
- It's about peace and love.
- Peace and love, mate.
326
00:13:22,302 --> 00:13:24,930
- Peace and love.
- Yeah, I get ya.
327
00:13:28,100 --> 00:13:31,979
♪ Lovely Lucy was a pharaoh's daughter ♪
328
00:13:31,979 --> 00:13:35,816
♪ Pushing camels
through a needle's eye ♪
329
00:13:35,816 --> 00:13:39,736
♪ She said, give back, give back ♪
330
00:13:39,736 --> 00:13:45,033
♪ If you wanna get to
Heaven, gotta give back ♪
331
00:13:45,033 --> 00:13:46,869
♪ Ooh ♪
332
00:13:46,869 --> 00:13:48,245
♪ Woo! ♪
333
00:13:49,371 --> 00:13:51,999
- That was a nice one there.
- Yes!
334
00:13:51,999 --> 00:13:54,293
Oh, lads! Lads, I'm sorry.
335
00:13:54,293 --> 00:13:56,336
I recorded nothing.
336
00:13:56,336 --> 00:13:59,673
The shells, they were
all turned the wrong way.
337
00:13:59,673 --> 00:14:01,133
- Nothing?
- I'm sorry!
338
00:14:01,133 --> 00:14:03,677
- Are you fucking kidding me, Peter?
- Oh God.
339
00:14:03,677 --> 00:14:06,722
Peter, this is the third time
you've gobbed up the shells, mate.
340
00:14:06,722 --> 00:14:10,642
I'm sorry, Jesus! I
didn't mean to betray you!
341
00:14:19,943 --> 00:14:24,531
Oh, the fucking shofar is broken, Peter!
342
00:14:27,534 --> 00:14:29,786
Statues, statues, statues.
343
00:14:29,786 --> 00:14:31,121
Steven Santelmo,
344
00:14:31,121 --> 00:14:33,916
from Steven Santelmo
Statue Removal and Supply.
345
00:14:33,916 --> 00:14:35,876
Maybe you love statues.
346
00:14:35,876 --> 00:14:38,378
Well, we are the number-one
reseller of statues
347
00:14:38,378 --> 00:14:39,588
in the tri-state area.
348
00:14:39,588 --> 00:14:42,925
We have thousands and thousands
and thousands of used statues.
349
00:14:42,925 --> 00:14:45,636
When we take 'em down,
everybody dances around,
350
00:14:45,636 --> 00:14:48,639
then they go home and w... these
statues just sitting around, like,
351
00:14:48,639 --> 00:14:50,307
I'ma take these statues, you know?
352
00:14:50,307 --> 00:14:51,642
We got Vladimir Lenin.
353
00:14:51,642 --> 00:14:52,935
We got Robert E. Lee.
354
00:14:52,935 --> 00:14:54,645
We got Nicolae Ceausescu.
355
00:14:54,645 --> 00:14:56,104
We got a wax Putin.
356
00:14:56,104 --> 00:14:59,107
And we got the mother
of all deposed dictators.
357
00:14:59,107 --> 00:15:00,817
That's right, ladies and gentlemen,
358
00:15:00,817 --> 00:15:03,070
we got him, Saddam Hussein.
359
00:15:03,070 --> 00:15:05,656
They couldn't find weapons
of mass destruction,
360
00:15:05,656 --> 00:15:08,951
but I found his fucking
statues, not my brother Barry,
361
00:15:08,951 --> 00:15:11,578
who couldn't find his own thumb
if it was wedged up his ass,
362
00:15:11,578 --> 00:15:12,621
which it is half the time.
363
00:15:12,621 --> 00:15:14,414
Hey, Barry, you're not
allowed in the commercials.
364
00:15:14,414 --> 00:15:16,500
I don't care what Dad
said before he died.
365
00:15:16,500 --> 00:15:18,627
We got more horses...
366
00:15:18,627 --> 00:15:21,421
I can't even tell you
how many horses statues.
367
00:15:21,421 --> 00:15:23,882
And, you know, fun fact
about horse statues,
368
00:15:23,882 --> 00:15:26,718
if one leg is up, I
don't know what it means.
369
00:15:26,718 --> 00:15:29,346
It's... Someone told me once,
and I could never remember.
370
00:15:29,346 --> 00:15:31,139
Anyways, come on down to
371
00:15:31,139 --> 00:15:34,560
Steven Santelmo's
Statue Removal and Supply
372
00:15:34,560 --> 00:15:36,728
for the deal o-of your dreams.
373
00:15:45,028 --> 00:15:47,030
"Amelia Earhart."
374
00:15:49,533 --> 00:15:51,118
Untouched beauty.
375
00:15:51,118 --> 00:15:52,578
Private beaches.
376
00:15:52,578 --> 00:15:54,246
Wild birds.
377
00:15:54,830 --> 00:15:56,331
The Bermuda Triangle.
378
00:15:57,291 --> 00:15:59,334
Join me, Amelia Earhart,
379
00:15:59,334 --> 00:16:01,670
in this goddamn paradise,
380
00:16:01,670 --> 00:16:04,298
where we are fully open...
381
00:16:04,298 --> 00:16:06,008
Bar. Open bar.
382
00:16:06,008 --> 00:16:09,136
The Triangle is a gift to women like me.
383
00:16:09,136 --> 00:16:10,679
Just ask my roommate,
384
00:16:10,679 --> 00:16:12,264
Bessie Coleman.
385
00:16:12,264 --> 00:16:14,391
It's a pilot's paradise.
386
00:16:14,391 --> 00:16:17,227
Bessie, when did you know
that you were a pilot?
387
00:16:17,227 --> 00:16:20,814
I felt my first longing for the air
388
00:16:20,814 --> 00:16:22,441
when I was in sixth grade,
389
00:16:22,441 --> 00:16:25,944
but I didn't realize I was a pilot
390
00:16:25,944 --> 00:16:27,070
until high school.
391
00:16:27,070 --> 00:16:29,948
And now, you're a gold-star pilot.
392
00:16:29,948 --> 00:16:31,533
That's right.
393
00:16:31,533 --> 00:16:34,494
And this place is
swarming with other pilots.
394
00:16:34,912 --> 00:16:36,747
Traveling here is a breeze.
395
00:16:36,747 --> 00:16:39,166
All you gotta do is get
your father's permission
396
00:16:39,166 --> 00:16:40,542
to go to aviation school.
397
00:16:40,542 --> 00:16:42,878
Take a three-day exam
to get your license.
398
00:16:42,878 --> 00:16:45,464
Overcome your crippling fear of heights.
399
00:16:45,464 --> 00:16:46,882
Get your hands on a bargain barrel plane
400
00:16:46,882 --> 00:16:49,134
that your friends and family
will beg you not to fly.
401
00:16:49,134 --> 00:16:50,511
Then, fly it anyway.
402
00:16:50,511 --> 00:16:52,971
Crash land it at the
scariest part of the ocean,
403
00:16:52,971 --> 00:16:54,640
thereby faking your own death.
404
00:16:54,640 --> 00:16:56,850
So no one will find you!
405
00:16:56,850 --> 00:16:58,852
Including your husbands.
406
00:16:58,852 --> 00:17:01,271
Not an easy journey, but worth it.
407
00:17:01,939 --> 00:17:03,649
The Bermuda Triangle,
408
00:17:03,649 --> 00:17:06,151
where no man dares to go.
409
00:17:06,151 --> 00:17:07,986
And if one makes it here, we kill him.
410
00:17:07,986 --> 00:17:09,655
I love the Triangle!
411
00:17:11,406 --> 00:17:14,034
You hit some turbulence there, Cap?
412
00:17:14,034 --> 00:17:16,787
Nope. I am a pilot in the '30s,
413
00:17:16,787 --> 00:17:19,373
- and I wanna dance.
- Let's cut a rug.
414
00:17:19,373 --> 00:17:20,958
Wow.
415
00:17:20,958 --> 00:17:22,376
- Yeah! You see this?
- Uh-huh.
416
00:17:22,376 --> 00:17:24,169
All the girls in New
York City are doing this.
417
00:17:24,169 --> 00:17:25,170
It's like an illusion.
418
00:17:25,879 --> 00:17:28,924
It's just a short flight to Wonderland.
419
00:17:28,924 --> 00:17:30,592
Now boarding!
420
00:17:35,055 --> 00:17:38,600
And now, back to "The
Last Supper Sessions."
421
00:17:39,601 --> 00:17:40,686
You and your friends
422
00:17:40,686 --> 00:17:42,855
are here at the studio
every day. May I ask why?
423
00:17:43,647 --> 00:17:45,357
Um, I like to hang around here
424
00:17:45,357 --> 00:17:48,277
and just to see if I can
catch any of the apostles.
425
00:17:48,277 --> 00:17:50,153
Um, I'm totally a Judas girl.
426
00:17:50,153 --> 00:17:53,115
He's just, like, a bad
boy, and I like that.
427
00:17:53,115 --> 00:17:55,242
We'll go under water
428
00:17:55,242 --> 00:17:57,703
and have fun with my magic seahorse.
429
00:17:57,703 --> 00:17:59,997
♪ We'll go underwater ♪
430
00:17:59,997 --> 00:18:03,709
♪ And have fun with my magic seahorse ♪
431
00:18:03,709 --> 00:18:05,419
She dropped it right
in the fucking toast.
432
00:18:05,419 --> 00:18:06,587
Mate, I-I don't think
433
00:18:06,587 --> 00:18:09,006
the "under the sea"
theme is working, mate.
434
00:18:09,006 --> 00:18:11,717
- Judas, what do you got?
- Okay, I've got an idea. Okay,
435
00:18:11,717 --> 00:18:14,094
how about this? It goes,
um, I've got a feeling...
436
00:18:14,094 --> 00:18:16,471
♪ I've got a feeling ♪
437
00:18:16,471 --> 00:18:18,557
That white guys can have dreads.
438
00:18:20,225 --> 00:18:22,561
♪ I don't agree with that ♪
439
00:18:23,478 --> 00:18:24,605
You know,
440
00:18:24,605 --> 00:18:27,191
it's not that much of a big deal,
441
00:18:27,191 --> 00:18:29,234
but if my ideas aren't
going to be listened to,
442
00:18:29,234 --> 00:18:32,112
then I think I'm just gonna leave. Hm?
443
00:18:32,112 --> 00:18:34,531
- Judas...
- I'm leaving the band now.
444
00:18:34,531 --> 00:18:35,741
It's just like that.
445
00:18:35,741 --> 00:18:36,992
Just walked out.
446
00:18:37,492 --> 00:18:39,578
Mate, who did his hair, mate?
447
00:18:39,578 --> 00:18:42,456
- It's a mess.
- And just to be crystal clear,
448
00:18:42,456 --> 00:18:44,583
I'm leaving this band.
449
00:18:44,583 --> 00:18:45,876
Okay?
450
00:18:45,876 --> 00:18:48,253
Leaves me a lot more time
with all my side projects.
451
00:18:48,253 --> 00:18:49,963
Mm.
452
00:18:54,134 --> 00:18:57,137
But I still wanna know
where the show's gonna be.
453
00:19:01,266 --> 00:19:05,103
Sorry, I forgot my keys. Does
anyone know where my keys are?
454
00:19:07,898 --> 00:19:11,485
Steven Santelmo Statue
Removal and Supply
455
00:19:11,485 --> 00:19:14,821
is going out of business,
and I'm selling everything.
456
00:19:14,821 --> 00:19:16,406
People that got canceled.
457
00:19:16,406 --> 00:19:19,535
Hillary "Pizzagate" Clinton, I
got her. Christopher Columbus.
458
00:19:19,535 --> 00:19:21,578
Nobody's touching one of those statues.
459
00:19:21,578 --> 00:19:23,830
This guy founded America,
and I'll never forget.
460
00:19:23,830 --> 00:19:25,958
Everything must go.
461
00:19:25,958 --> 00:19:29,002
Now, you might be wondering
why a profitable business
462
00:19:29,002 --> 00:19:30,754
would be going out of business.
463
00:19:30,754 --> 00:19:33,799
And the answer is simple.
Because of this fuckin' turd.
464
00:19:33,799 --> 00:19:37,052
Him, his wicked wife,
and his dud daughter
465
00:19:37,052 --> 00:19:39,555
sued me for libel and defamation
466
00:19:39,555 --> 00:19:41,390
because of my previous commercials?
467
00:19:41,390 --> 00:19:43,433
Look at him. I couldn't
believe I was related
468
00:19:43,433 --> 00:19:45,352
to this piece of human shawarma.
469
00:19:45,352 --> 00:19:47,354
So then, I pissed into a Snapple bottle
470
00:19:47,354 --> 00:19:49,439
and sent it to khancestry.com.
471
00:19:49,439 --> 00:19:53,026
When I got my results,
I realized that I, too,
472
00:19:53,026 --> 00:19:55,404
was related to Kublai Khan.
473
00:19:55,404 --> 00:19:57,781
Just like Barry Santelmo.
474
00:19:57,781 --> 00:20:01,618
Which means that we
were actually brothers.
475
00:20:01,618 --> 00:20:03,871
And nothing is...
476
00:20:03,871 --> 00:20:06,331
Is more important than
family. Come on, guys.
477
00:20:06,331 --> 00:20:08,625
- Come on out.
- Hey, bro, how you doing?
478
00:20:10,460 --> 00:20:13,255
Finding out that we are
both related to Kublai Khan
479
00:20:13,255 --> 00:20:15,215
has brought us closer
together as brothers.
480
00:20:15,215 --> 00:20:18,385
And the good news for you
is that we are teaming up
481
00:20:18,385 --> 00:20:22,556
to offer you the best Mongolian
statues in the... So...
482
00:20:22,556 --> 00:20:24,850
- And the good news for... Okay.
- Stop. Take your time, take your time.
483
00:20:24,850 --> 00:20:26,310
- Don't tell me how to do this.
- No, no, no.
484
00:20:26,310 --> 00:20:28,312
I been doing these commercials
for years, all right?
485
00:20:28,312 --> 00:20:31,481
We are teaming up as
a family to offer you
486
00:20:31,481 --> 00:20:34,651
the best Mongolian statues we can find.
487
00:20:34,651 --> 00:20:35,944
We got 'em all!
488
00:20:35,944 --> 00:20:38,488
- Genghis Khan.
- Kublai Khan.
489
00:20:38,488 --> 00:20:40,574
- Scott Caan.
- Madeline Kahn?
490
00:20:40,574 --> 00:20:44,369
We also have a statue of
Sylvester Stallone. Not for sale.
491
00:20:44,369 --> 00:20:46,914
That's my sister-in-law. She's
supposed to be doing the books,
492
00:20:46,914 --> 00:20:48,373
but now, she's on camera? I...
493
00:20:48,373 --> 00:20:50,292
I told you I was gonna
be on camera. I told you.
494
00:20:50,292 --> 00:20:52,169
I was with her when she
told you, Uncle Steven.
495
00:20:52,169 --> 00:20:54,838
Oh, thanks, "Raven." Please,
her Christian name's Samantha.
496
00:20:54,838 --> 00:20:56,423
I don't know when she
changed her name...
497
00:20:56,423 --> 00:20:58,008
At least, uh, our daughter
498
00:20:58,008 --> 00:21:00,677
didn't get busted at junior
prom for selling ketamine.
499
00:21:00,677 --> 00:21:02,304
- Hello! Your daughter.
- Okay.
500
00:21:02,304 --> 00:21:04,223
It was in the paper. It
was in The Ledger, Steven.
501
00:21:04,223 --> 00:21:06,225
Okay, first of all,
excuse me. It was molly.
502
00:21:06,225 --> 00:21:08,018
Second of all, it was senior prom,
503
00:21:08,018 --> 00:21:09,728
- so get your fucking facts straight.
- Oh! Oh, okay.
504
00:21:09,728 --> 00:21:12,481
F-first of all, uh, d-d-don't
talk to my wife that way.
505
00:21:12,481 --> 00:21:14,733
W-what? W-who are you texting, Barry?
506
00:21:14,733 --> 00:21:16,527
No, it was, uh, it was a spam caller.
507
00:21:16,527 --> 00:21:19,446
Oh, oh, what? Is that your new
girlfriend's name now? Spam?
508
00:21:19,446 --> 00:21:21,365
- Huh?
- Oh! Hey! It's in my DNA!
509
00:21:21,365 --> 00:21:23,700
Ah, yeah, your DNA is in
every whore in town, Barry!
510
00:21:23,700 --> 00:21:24,952
- Oh!
- Okay.
511
00:21:24,952 --> 00:21:26,787
You say that in front of our
little girl! Where were you?
512
00:21:26,787 --> 00:21:30,207
Bottom line is Santelmo's
Statue Removal and Supplies
513
00:21:30,207 --> 00:21:33,418
is now Santelmo Mongolian Statue Depot.
514
00:21:33,418 --> 00:21:36,505
We got the best deal for
you because you're family,
515
00:21:36,505 --> 00:21:39,758
'cause you're likely related
to Kublai Khan as well.
516
00:21:39,758 --> 00:21:41,510
We never would Kub-lie to you.
517
00:21:41,510 --> 00:21:44,179
Our prices "Khant" be beat.
518
00:21:44,179 --> 00:21:47,432
Let me just do the last line
myself. Leave me something.
519
00:21:52,271 --> 00:21:56,108
And now, the grand
finale of "The Civil War."
520
00:21:57,317 --> 00:21:59,903
In conclusion,
521
00:21:59,903 --> 00:22:03,073
I pray that I will still
be remembered as a man
522
00:22:03,073 --> 00:22:05,826
of great honor and dignity.
523
00:22:05,826 --> 00:22:07,411
All right, wrap it up
and get on your horse.
524
00:22:08,579 --> 00:22:10,080
- You're almost there.
- Ye...
525
00:22:14,793 --> 00:22:16,378
Don't come back now!
526
00:22:18,255 --> 00:22:21,300
If I may be so bold.
I know the war is over,
527
00:22:21,300 --> 00:22:23,385
but I would love to
continue working with you.
528
00:22:23,385 --> 00:22:26,096
- Is that so, young man?
- Yes, sir. Uh...
529
00:22:26,096 --> 00:22:29,558
If I could just assist
you in any way, I'll do it.
530
00:22:29,558 --> 00:22:30,838
Well, if you really wanna help me,
531
00:22:30,839 --> 00:22:32,144
there's one thing you
could do right now.
532
00:22:32,144 --> 00:22:33,854
- Yes, sir.
- Get on the floor,
533
00:22:33,854 --> 00:22:35,981
- and fuckin' dance!
- Yes, sir.
534
00:22:36,773 --> 00:22:38,567
♪ One more time ♪
535
00:22:44,448 --> 00:22:45,449
Oh, whoa!
536
00:22:46,325 --> 00:22:48,827
Oh, gimme, gimme. Ooh, thank you.
537
00:22:50,913 --> 00:22:51,914
Woo!
538
00:22:52,915 --> 00:22:54,416
Woo!
539
00:22:54,416 --> 00:22:57,628
♪ One more time, we're gonna celebrate ♪
540
00:22:57,628 --> 00:22:59,588
♪ Oh yeah, all right ♪
541
00:22:59,588 --> 00:23:02,090
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
542
00:23:02,090 --> 00:23:03,091
Whoa!
543
00:23:05,260 --> 00:23:07,554
Yeah!
544
00:23:07,554 --> 00:23:09,515
Fucking love you, dawg!
545
00:23:09,515 --> 00:23:11,475
Wow. This party's fantastic.
546
00:23:11,475 --> 00:23:14,186
Well, the war is over, fellas.
We can get back to our lives.
547
00:23:14,186 --> 00:23:15,812
Yeah.
548
00:23:17,231 --> 00:23:19,900
I gotta say, the last
12 hours with you guys
549
00:23:19,900 --> 00:23:21,485
have been the most fun I've ever had.
550
00:23:21,485 --> 00:23:24,446
And I'm sorry, our show was hot fire.
551
00:23:24,446 --> 00:23:26,615
Yeah, we really pulled it
together in, like, three minutes.
552
00:23:26,615 --> 00:23:29,201
I mean, we cut so many bits,
we have enough for a season two.
553
00:23:29,201 --> 00:23:32,204
Well, we'll always have those memories.
554
00:23:32,204 --> 00:23:34,873
What if... we kept doing it?
555
00:23:34,873 --> 00:23:36,917
Have memories? Yeah, okay.
556
00:23:36,917 --> 00:23:39,586
No! Performing, singing, comedy.
557
00:23:39,586 --> 00:23:41,922
Oh, my God, I am so in!
558
00:23:41,922 --> 00:23:44,216
- Let's leave right now!
- But where do we go?
559
00:23:44,216 --> 00:23:46,635
I've been reading about
this place called, uh,
560
00:23:46,635 --> 00:23:48,053
uh, California?
561
00:23:48,053 --> 00:23:49,721
I think it would be perfect
for some guys like us.
562
00:23:49,721 --> 00:23:51,014
Oh, I like this.
563
00:23:51,014 --> 00:23:53,559
A career in showbiz would be
healthy for an introvert like me.
564
00:23:53,559 --> 00:23:55,769
I only have one question.
565
00:23:55,769 --> 00:23:57,688
Which way to California?
566
00:23:58,480 --> 00:24:00,524
Left until we hit the ocean.
567
00:24:10,993 --> 00:24:13,245
This is insane. It's
2:00 PM on a Tuesday.
568
00:24:13,245 --> 00:24:15,372
Does anyone here have a job?
569
00:24:15,372 --> 00:24:16,790
Fuck, I'm gonna miss my audition.
570
00:24:17,875 --> 00:24:19,918
- What's it for?
- Some Mel Brooks show.
571
00:24:19,918 --> 00:24:20,919
- Oh.
- Oh.
572
00:25:33,992 --> 00:25:35,911
- I never knew my father.
- Neither did I.
573
00:25:35,911 --> 00:25:38,121
- Because you're a virgin, right, Mommy?
- Oh, yeah.
574
00:25:38,121 --> 00:25:39,665
Totally a virgin, yeah.
575
00:25:39,665 --> 00:25:40,999
Never... had sex.
576
00:25:41,750 --> 00:25:44,711
Tomorrow night, the
landmark event continues.
577
00:25:45,170 --> 00:25:47,464
Lieutenament Silverman,
give us a status update.
578
00:25:47,464 --> 00:25:49,007
I'm single, but looking.
579
00:25:49,007 --> 00:25:50,801
We wanna jump right into it.
580
00:25:52,970 --> 00:25:54,930
The stars are certainly out tonight.
581
00:25:55,389 --> 00:25:58,433
- Oh!
- I mean, we got ourselves a franchise here.
582
00:25:58,434 --> 00:26:03,434
- Synced and corrected by chamallow -
- www.MY-SUBS.com -
43950
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