All language subtitles for Bobs Burgers - 11x14 - Mr. Lonely Farts.CAKES.English.HI.C.edit.Addic7ed.com

- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe -
-- for www.addic7ed.com --

Hey, check this out! (undulating)

That's... great. I think.

Do you have a super fun hernia?

It's a belly roll.
Like belly dancers do.

So put that down as another
career option for me.

Mom, you're not looking. (undulating)

Sorry, honey. I'm
trying to find my phone.

TINA: Did you look in the bathroom?
You usually bring it in there.

It's not there. I already looked.

I had to poop without it. I read
the back of the shampoo bottle,

- like in the old days.
- (phone buzzes)

Oh. Not to brag, but I
just got a text on my phone.

That I didn't lose. Teddy's coming over.

He's gonna help me
take down the vent hood,

and then we're gonna
go pick up the new one.

Ah, I love your life.

I'll be back soon so
we can open for lunch.

Okay. We should be back from
the shoe store by then, too.

(singsongy): And someone
will have her new sneakers.

- It's me!
- Aw, look at her poor toe poking out.

LOUISE: She's going through shoe-berty.

- TINA: Say hi.
- Hi!

- Dad?
- Oh. Hi?

- TINA: How are you?
- I, um... I'm fine.

You know what, Mom, I'm gonna
have to pass on the shoe store.

We only shop in the sales racks,

and they're the saddest
place in the whole world.

All those mismatched shoes

staring up at you from the floor.

One time, I found a bloody
Band-Aid in one of the shoes.

- Mom bought that pair.
- The Band-Aid wasn't that bloody.

Dad, can I please go with you and Teddy?

Sure. You want to go pick
up a new hood for a grill?

Oh, you're seriously doing that?

Ugh, still better than the sale racks.

Huh. Should I go with Mom or with Dad?

It's a real Kramer vs. Kramer.

Which I think was a Seinfeld episode.

Well, pick someone, 'cause
you're not staying here alone.

And not because I don't want you
to find Mommy's special crackers

that I don't really have.
Forget I said anything.

Alone? Gene can't be
anywhere by himself.

I beg your pardon?

You still make Mom hide with
you when we play hide-and-seek.

And you hate brushing
your teeth by yourself.

- That's why we do it together.
- We're the Supreme Court Brush-tices!

And you get dressed in
our room every morning,

even if we're still asleep.

I change in your room because
sometimes Ken uses my room

for his sunrise yoga class
that he substitute-teaches.

I like Yoga Ken. So flexible.

- Ken's not real.
- If Ken's not real,

then how did we FaceTime
for two hours last night?

(sighs) Okay. Uh, I'm
going down to meet Teddy.

- Wait for me.
- I'll stay here and do more of this.

(undulating)

Where are you, you stupid,
stupid, stupid phone?!

Maybe try talking a little
nicer to it? Just a thought.

(grunts) Okay. We're getting there.

- Keep holding it.
- (strained): Got it.

(grunts) Thanks again for
helping out with this, Teddy.

No prob, Bobby. There's
nowhere I'd rather be.

Not even my cousin's wedding today.

Wait, what? Teddy, you
didn't have to do this.

It's fine. It's just my
mother's brother's son.

So cocky 'cause he found true love.

Anyway, today's about you.

New hood, new life. Pretty exciting.

Well, new to us. It's from
a guy on a message board

who's selling a refurbished one.

It's way less expensive than a new hood.

Oh. So you're buying another old hood.

Well, it's not old... It's refurbished.

That's a fancy word for "old."

So, you found this guy
on a message board, huh?

Y-Yeah. Why are you
saying it like that?

It's just... don't people
who post ads on the Internet

turn out to be, you
know, psycho murderers?

Eh. Some people just want
to sell you a pull-up bar,

then be your friend and
move in with you for a while.

I'm pretty sure this guy's legit.

He sells a lot of
refurbished appliances.

- Old appliances.
- Besides,

wouldn't it be the
buyer who's the psycho,

not the seller who
gives you their address

and trusts you to come to their home?

Yeah, but what if their home
turns out to be a dungeon?

Oh, yeah. What if their home
turns out to be a dungeon?

Okay, guys, if their home is a
dungeon, we won't buy the hood.

'Cause we'll be getting
murdered in the dungeon.

Eh. I'm gonna miss you guys so much.

But, Teddy, you'd be with us.

- We'd be together.
- No, I'd get away.

- Then I'd miss you so much.
- Well, if you get away,

you can call the police.

- Then you can save us.
- Eh.

The guy'd probably kill you
before the police get there.

But I could try.

- Thanks, Teddy.
- GENE: Hey! Teddy!

You haven't seen my cool
new trick yet, you lucky man.

(undulating)

Oh, that's fun, Gene.

It's like you swallowed a water bed.

(scoffs) Why are flecks
of moisture hitting me?

(strained): Gene, we're...
kind of busy at the moment.

- Oh, boo.
- Okay. R-Ready, Bob?

- Yeah. (strained) Oh, God.
- You said you were ready!

I know, I did, I'm just...
(grunts) not strong.

No, you are not. No offense.

(grunts) None taken.

Hmm. Maybe I'll go with you guys.

Teddy's got a truck, and
a truck trip could be fun.

Although Mom likes to
sing while she drives,

and I do enjoy that.

A lot of swerving to the
music, honking to the beat.

Will there be singing in the truck?

- (grunting)
- I think it's gonna be a lot of this.

BOB: All right, let's
put it against the wall.

TEDDY: Lea-Lean it this way.

- The weight's all in the back.
- LOUISE: Just like Dad.

Eh, I think I'm gonna
go with Mom and Tina.

I just remembered that
the shoe store gives out

free crushed pretzels on the floor.

Ugh, where are you, phone?

- Okay, it's ringing.
- Don't hear it.

Don't hear it. Don't hear it.

Tina, honey, maybe you saying
that over and over again

is gonna make it hard to hear the phone?

I mean, I'm not questioning
your process, but okay.

Wait till Mom and Tina
hear the good news.

Oh, before we leave, I
should probably get my Casio,

grab my day planner, ooh,
and do one of those auto-reply

"I'm out of the office" e-mails.

Ugh, this isn't working.

I don't know where my dumb phone is.

Maybe you accidentally
put it in a burger?

No, I'm always really
careful about that.

Well, I guess we should leave
if we want to get back before lunch.

I can live without my
phone for a couple hours.

I'll have to make real faces
instead of sending emojo-people.

Wait, Gene's going with Dad, right?

Yeah, I think so. He went downstairs.

If I find any shoe Band-Aids,
I'm not sharing them with him.

Okay, let's head out so we
can be back in time for lunch.

Wait, is Gene coming with us?

No, he said he wanted
to go with Mom and Tina.

Who's driving? Oh, yeah. Me.

And Robin goes in the
back on the way home.

- Who's Robin?
- The hood. Dad, keep up.

- God, I'm trying to make this fun.
- I get it, I get it.

Mom? Tina? I'm going with you!

I call the whole back
seat so I can do that thing

where I pretend I'm in an Uber!
Where are you guys?

Hmm.

(grunting)

Hello? Maybe they're doing
a prank I'm not enjoying.

I'll go get the key.
They're gonna get an earful!

Dad? Louise?

Huh. Hello?!

Hello?

Hello... ! Oh, my God, oh,
my God, oh, my God!

Okay, okay. It's fine.
Everything's fine.

I know what to do. Call Mom.

I know her number. It's gonna
be the first tattoo I get.

- (phone buzzing)
- Wait, what?

Why is the couch farting?

Mom's phone?

A nickel? A peanut M&M? (chewing)

Okay, calling Dad. What's Dad's number?

I don't know it! The
digits were so random!

Oh! It's written on the fridge!

Aah! I can't read the
last three numbers!

They're smudged over
with some sort of sauce!

Ketchup. Figures.

Aah! What do I do?! What do I do... ?!

(mimics phone ringing)

Guess I'd better get that.

Hello? Hi! Ken!

I know you called me,
but let me go first

because you're not gonna believe this.

I'm home alone!

Yeah, no, that's right.
Mom and Tina were upstairs

in the apartment and...

Dad, Louise and Teddy
were in the restaurant.

And then I guess they
didn't bother to make sure

that their most special
boy in the whole wide world

was with either of them when they left

and drove out of my life forever!

No, Ken, I will not calm down!
You calm down!

I know you're calm. You're
always calm, Mr. CBD Oil.

Okay, okay. Breathing, breathing.

Thank you, Ken. The beat-boxing helps.

(sighs) Maybe you're right.

Maybe I should look at
this as a good thing.

I mean, I can do
anything I want right now.

The apartment is my oyster!

Oh. Oyster sauce.

(Tina whistles)

The full-price section. Hot damn.

Don't look, Tina. Don't look.
We're not full-price people.

Okay. So clean here.

Tina, I said don't look.
Keep moving, keep moving.

And here we are. The sales racks!

CHILD: No, no, no, no, no!

I don't want a shoe!

No... !

Hold my hand, honey. Stay close to me.

Hi, are you Bob?

Yeah... yes, hi. Uh, this is
Teddy and my daughter Louise.

- Are you Adam?
- Yep. Adam Appliances.

That's a nickname I'm
trying to start for myself.

- Because I sell appliances.
- Nice.

Uh, well, so here's the hood.
Feel free to check it out.

Don't want you to think you're
getting hoodwinked. (laughing)

(laughs)

Oh, Adam Appliances.

Huh. Great. Uh, thanks.

So, lot of merchandise, huh?

There a lot of people
coming in and out of here?

(chuckles) That's right.

- But are they, Adam?
- Are they what?

- Coming in and out?
- Louise. Uh, sorry.

She's, uh... gets excited around, um,

refurbished restaurant supplies.

This, uh, looks good. All the right, uh,

hood... parts. We'll-we'll take it.

Oh, great, great. Well,
water it once a week

and give it lots of sunlight.

- (chuckles)
- (laughs)

- This guy. (sighs)
- Yeah, that's funny.

Uh, so you posted that
you're selling it for $350?

- Yep.
- All right. Here you go.

Uh, it's a-a lot of singles and, um...

uh, hold on... Some, um, loose change.

Um, you-you can count
it all out if you like.

Okay. Guess we'll
start with the pennies.

One, two.

- This is a button.
- Oh. Sorry.

GENE: Mom's special crackers!

Mom's special crackers! Yep,

they were in her closet
in a shoebox labeled

"Do not open. Spiders."

Now I want to know where
she keeps her spiders.

Yeah, I'm sitting in their
bed, eating the crackers,

'cause no one's here telling me not to.

Okay, what should we do next?

- (dance music playing)
- Take that, Louise's "No

Getting Out All My Collectibles
and Having a Rave in My Room" rule!

Yeah!

"I had that dream again
"where everyone's butts had eyebrows,

and they called them 'thighbrows.'"

And there's a drawing here.

Want me to fax it to your secretary?

(singsongy): Holding all the spoons!

Holding all the spoons!

Holding all the spoons!

Ooh, Tina! I found one
shoe that's in your size.

- You want to try it on?
- Okay. Let's give this a shot.

Feels good. Maybe I
don't need two shoes.

(chuckles): Who am I, Kate Middleton?

Excuse me! Do you have the
other one of these sneakers?

Everything we have is out here. Sorry.

But there was only one shoe in this box.

(sighs): Yeah. Shoes
go missing all the time.

People shove them in the wrong
box or just... throw them.

I don't know why they do these things.

I just try to get through each day.

Ooh, look at those shooties.

- What are shooties?
- You know,

they're like if a shoe
and a boot had a baby.

They're so cute.

And it's so peaceful over there.

And so... not sad.

- And nobody's smoking.
- I'm gonna go try 'em on.

Just for fun. Nothing
wrong with that, right?

You want to go to the
full-priced section?

You want to go to the big show?

Not to buy, just to try.

- You want to come?
- I sure as shootie want to come.

Okay, Bob, you're all set.

Unless you want to buy

- a refurbished vacuum.
- Oh, no, thanks.

No, wait, wait, wait.
L-Let me show you.

- (loud whirring)
- So, it's kind of loud!

Uh, but that's fine!

You can scream and no one can hear it!

(screams)

- (whirring stops)
- See?

Oh, yeah. I see.

Oh, Adam, uh, can I get
a receipt? For my taxes.

You know about taxes, Dad?

- Um, kind of.
- Okay, sure.

I'll get you a receipt. I
don't have any paper out here.

Let me go inside and write you up one.

- I'll be right back.
- Thanks.

Feel free to look around.
That's a tortilla press.

Or if you stick your hand
in it, it's a hand press.

Hand-wich, anyone?

(laughs) Good one!

Do we want to discuss the fact

that he's talking about eating hands,

and he basically gave us a
blueprint of his murder plan?

What do you mean?

The vacuum? To cover
up our screams? Hello?

I think he was just trying to
sell us a really loud vacuum.

I scream when I vacuum.

But that's just 'cause
I don't like doing it.

(humming)

Yes, Ken, I do kind of feel like
the bartenders in Coyote Ugly.

Hey, should I go in the kitchen?

Yeah, I think I should, too.

Hmm.

Hamburger buns. I'm gonna eat 'em.

Oh, that's a much better idea.

I should definitely put
them through the meat grinder

and make bun-burgers.

The burger is the bun, and the
bun is the bun. It's perfect!

This is the kind of thing
Dad would never let me do,

but once he tried it, he'd be like,

"I love my brilliant bun son!"

(metallic thud)

Huh. That was a weird sound.

Aah! What the hell?!

(groans) I can't open the door!

Help! Ken, call the Coast Guard!

Call the CSI basement people!

Call Richard Belzer and Ice-T!

Call Mariska Hargitay!

(groans) The door's wedged shut!

Yes, Ken, I am pushing with my core.

Sorry, not all of us have
time to do Kundalini yoga

for two hours every day!

Aah! Looks like I'm stuck down here

until Mom and Dad get back.

At least I've got these
buns for nourishment.

And all the basement
food, aka bottom snacks.

Dad always tells me
not to call them that.

Taking a while for him to
write that receipt, huh?

Maybe he's doing a pre-murder pep talk?

- Psyching himself up?
- Louise.

Ugh, we got to leave soon

if we're gonna make
it back before lunch.

Adam? Mister, um... Mr. Appliances?

Should we just go?

Uh, I kind of need that receipt.

This hood is a pretty
big business expense,

and I was gonna deduct it,
which I'm pretty sure is a thing.

I bet he's in there right
now sharpening his gun.

He's not a murderer, Louise.

Hello? Adam?

Okay, I guess I'm gonna go in?

- You are?
- Yeah.

- You stay out here.
- Oh, we stay out here? Really?

- Why is that, Father?
- Just because.

Because he might be a murderer.

- No. Well, maybe.
- I'll go with you, Bob.

Or, Teddy, you could go by yourself?

No way, no.

Okay, let's just all go in, then.

Louise, stay behind me.

Adam? Hello?

Look at all that bleach.

That stuff is great for
getting out bloodstains, right?

Blood, sweat and tears.

End of most days, I got all three.

Wow. I love how it's
two shoes that match.

- I know, right?
- (whimpers)

I feel like a New York businesswoman.

Hey, Mr. Big Boss, I
don't need this job.

I'm gonna quit and move to Vermont
and make baby applesauce.

Hi, red carpet reporter.

What am I wearing? Two matching shoes.

Oh. You're over here now.

Just so you know, moving shoes
from here to the sales rack

doesn't magically make them on sale.

You'd be surprised how
many people think that.

No, no, no. We're not doing
that. We're just looking.

Well, if you need any
help, I'll be trying

to take care of everything in
the store because they didn't

- hire enough people.
- Okay, bye.

Come on. Let's try
on these cowboy boots.

We can be cowgirl-businesswomen.

We're gonna be yee-hot...
and good at our jobs.

And that's why I think
ostriches should wear britches

and be called "ost-britches."

Ken, are you listening?

Well, it just seems
like you're distracted.

No, no, no, no, don't get off
yet. I want to keep talking.

If you need to read your e-mail,
read your e-mail. I can wait.

Oh. You're reading it out loud.

Wow. So many e-mails from The Edge.

How long have you known U2?

You grew up with Larry Mullen Jr.?!

Hello?

Hello? Um, we're in your kitchen now.

Sorry to be... so in your house.

But, uh, we're curious how
it's going with the receipt.

I wonder which of our faces
he's going to wear as a mask.

I don't know. Could be
a Goldilocks situation.

- One's too big, one's too little.
- Mm.

Gosh, you'd think

Adam Appliances would have some
better ones in his own kitchen.

A two-slice toaster?
What is this, 1985?

Normally I'd hate being
left alone like this.

You know, 'cause being
by myself isn't my thing.

But at least I have you to talk to, Ken.

What do mean you have to go?

Your short film is winning an award

at the Montreal Film Festival?

Well, of course I'm happy for you.

I know it's your passion project,

and it took you forever
to clear the rights,

and Jessica Chastain is a revelation,

but I need you to stay
on the phone with me!

Don't tell me I'll be fine!

No! No! Don't hang up!

Ken? Ken?! Hello? Ken!

Pick up, pick up, pick
up. Aah, voice mail again!

Ken, I'm gonna keep leaving you messages

because you hung up
and left me alone! Ugh!

I hope that you go to a bagel store

where they sell Montreal-style bagels,

and they run out of them
right as you walk in.

Sorry, I didn't mean
that. Goodbye. (grunts)

Oh, no! Now how is Ken
supposed to call me back?!

On a fork? That's ridiculous!

Okay, Adam, we're in
your living room now.

Just really need that receipt, buddy.

Wait. Are you holding a butter knife?

- You butter believe it.
- Is it from Adam's kitchen?

No, I walk around with
butter knives. Yes, of course.

Teddy, are you holding a cheese grater?

Yeah. Did you not grab
anything from the kitchen?

(sighs) Okay, you know
what? This is too weird.

Forget the receipt.
Probably better to live

than to have a deduction.

I think I read that on a fortune cookie.

Come on, let's go.

- (all screaming)
- Oh, my God! Please don't kill us!

- What?!
- I'll grate you!

Is that my cheese grater?
Wait. Is that my butter knife?

Yes, and it's very serrated.
Are you sure it's a butter knife?

Yeah, I should know that. It is mine.

- Why are you in my house?
- We were looking for you.

You were taking so long with
the receipt, and we were...

we weren't sure what to do.

I had to go to the bathroom.

We were shouting your name.

The fan was on if you
need to know everything.

Ugh. This is exactly what
my wife said would happen

if I started this business.

You give strangers from
the Internet your address,

and they'll come in your house

and kill you with
your own cheese grater.

- No, I wasn't gonna kill you.
- No, Adam, no, no.

- We're, we're not...
- I mean, it'd be hard with this.

I knew there was something
off about you guys.

You with all that change.

Who would do something
like that to someone?

I'm sorry. I-I mean, to
be fair, change is money.

I know it's annoying
money, but it still counts.

Dad, don't.

Here is your receipt, sir.

Uh, thanks. We're gonna go now.

Yeah, I think that's best you do.

- Here.
- (shrieks)

- Just put it on the table.
- Yup, yup, okay.

Arr! Pirate and Go-Go
Dancer fight for the galaxy!

- Arr!
- Groovy!

So, are you guys sure
you don't need any help?

Nope, nope. Uh, ju-just
making some decisions.

Lot of boxes on the floor.

We're gonna put them all back.

Except for the ones that we buy.

Uh-huh. And how many pairs do you think

you'll be purchasing today?

I mean, uh, maybe those
sneakers over there?

You know, when they go on sale.

Are there some of these
I can start putting away?

Uh, yeah, I guess the boots
and the... the moon shoes.

And the gladiator sandals.

Oh, and-and the moccasins, too.

- Those looked really good on you.
- They did, right?

- Here, I-I'll put those away.
- Oh.

Look, we're sorry. It's
just, we just wanted to know

what it felt like to shop
in the nice shoe section.

Where they have all the sizes
and the shoes come in pairs.

And the lights aren't
blinking off and on over here.

And there isn't anything
dripping from the ceiling.

I get it. The sales racks are rough.

I found a toe over there yesterday.

- Oh, God.
- Ah, I think it was a toe.

The police have it. Anyway,
I-I'll tell you what.

I can give you 20% off those sneakers.

- How about that?
- Really?!

- Yeah.
- Thank you!

- Sure.
- Or maybe I don't do the sneakers?

I do the big boots, and I'm

- Big Booty Tina from now on?
- No, no, no, no, no,

- no, do the sneakers.
- Okay.

Aah, I hate this! No family, no Ken.

Stuck here in the
basement with just myself.

Why did Ken do this?!

Why did my totally real
friend hang up on me?

Doesn't he know this
is my worst nightmare?

No one to talk to but myself?

Wait. Did Ken do this on purpose?

Is this a test? He does like to test me.

Like that time he
tested my self-control

by asking me to hold his ice cream cone

while he went to go poo poo.

Maybe this is... a
being-with-myself test.

Okay, then, I'll try it.

I'll try being alone with my thoughts?

♪ Green peppers give me gas ♪

♪ Unless they're in a scone ♪

♪ These are thoughts I'm thinking ♪

♪ When I'm all alone ♪

♪ Is taupe a real color? ♪

♪ I wanna free solo up that shelf ♪

♪ These are things I'm
thinking when I'm by myself ♪

♪ My knees have weird wrinkles ♪

♪ My butt makes weird sounds ♪

♪ Maybe I can still have
fun with no one else around ♪

♪ I'm gonna keep thinkin'
'cause it's keepin' me calm ♪

♪ Robots and music and
banh mi from Vietnam ♪

♪ I enjoy being with
people, maybe too much ♪

♪ And Ken is a delight but
maybe kind of a crutch ♪

♪ I didn't think I'd feel
this way till I was grown ♪

♪ But it turns out
I'm fine being here ♪

♪ On my own! ♪

Ken, you brilliant son of a bitch!

We're back!

You might not recognize me
'cause of my new sneakers,

but, um, it's me. Tina.

Tina?! Oh, God, okay. I'm
glad you cleared that up.

Look at that shiny new hood.

It's refurbished. Fancy word for old.

Well, sorry we took so long.
We had a little shoe-cation.

It's okay. We took a while, too.

We kind of mistook a
totally harmless person

for being a murderer and then
we trespassed in his house.

Sounds fun. Hey, where's Gene?

- I thought he was with you.
- I thought he was with you!

- Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God!

ALL: Gene?! Gene?!

My toys!

My diary!

My crackers!

♪ Bun-burger,
bun-burger, bun-burger ♪

- ♪ Bun-burger ♪
- He's here!

- Gene!
- Mom! Dad!

Oh, we're so sorry, Gene.

We didn't mean to leave you by yourself.

I thought you were with your dad.

And I thought you were with your mom.

Are you all right? We know
you don't love being alone.

Or being trapped in a basement.

We were almost trapped in a basement.

- Yeah, we almost died.
- No, we weren't, and no, we didn't.

You know, it actually wasn't that bad.
I had Ken for a lot of it.

But then he had to go accept
this award, and I was alone,

but that turned out to be okay, too.

Really? That's, uh... that's good.

Uh, what's going on
with the meat grinder?

Big changes at the restaurant, Dad.

I don't want to give it away,

but let's just say it
rhymes with "dun durgers."

Oh, my Geenie Weenie, Mommy's so sorry!

Mwah-mwah-mwah!
Mwah! Mwah-mwah-mwah!

It's okay, Mom.

Huh. You're kind of letting
them off pretty easy.

I would maybe look for
a lawyer if I were you?

No lawyers. Come on. Let's go upstairs.

So, you found my special crackers, huh?

- Yup. Ken and I did.
- How is Ken?

GENE: Busy as always.
And he's micro-dosing.

That's... You know what?

Just tell him thanks
for keeping you company.

♪ My knees have weird wrinkles ♪

♪ My butt makes weird sounds ♪

♪ Maybe I can still have
fun with no one else around ♪

♪ I'm gonna keep thinkin'
'cause it's keepin' me calm ♪

♪ Robots and music and
banh mi from Vietnam ♪

♪ I enjoy being with
people, maybe too much ♪

♪ And Ken is a delight but
maybe kind of a crutch ♪

♪ I didn't think I'd feel
this way till I was grown ♪

♪ But it turns out
I'm fine being here ♪

♪ On my own. ♪

- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe -
-- for www.addic7ed.com --