All language subtitles for The Lady Is A Square

(shimmering instrumental music)

(energetic instrumental music)

(clapping)

- Mother, look,
aren't they terrific?

- Darling, how your father
would've enjoyed this.

- [Man] Not if they were
the opposition, he wouldn't.

(clapping)

- I must go and congratulate Walter.

- Righto.

- Charles, by any standards,
this is magnificent.

- Yes, I quite agree with you.

- Mrs. Baring, this is
Mr. Oscar Blake of Salzburg,

the famous critic.

- How do you do, Mr. Blake?

- He said he just had to
meet you before going back.

- We owe so much to your
late husband, Mrs. Baring,

particularly in the earlier
days of the festival.

It's wonderful to know you're still

carrying on with his good work.

- Thank you.

Now, this is Mr. Charles Norman,

my lawyer and financial advisor.

- How do you do, Mr. Blake?
- How do you do?

- Mr. Norman's a financial genius.

He is responsible for showing us

how not to lose money with good music.

- It'll need genius to deal

with this Spolenski series.

- Oh, I congratulate you on
your scoop with Spolenski.

An eccentric, but a great conductor.

(plane whines)

(loudspeaker announcer chatters)

- Conductor Spolenski.
- Huh?

- The English will distort
everything you say,

so say nothing.

- But will the English not be disappointed

if I say nothing?

- On the contrary, they will say

his genius speaks for itself.

- Oh, that's (speaking foreign language).

- Dr. Spolenski, I am Mrs. Baring.

Welcome to London, and,
on behalf of music lovers

of this country, may I say how happy

we are to have you with us.

- I am Professor Rackowitz, Mrs. Baring.

- How do you do, Professor?
- How do you do?

Oh, I'm sorry, Dr. Spolenski

neither speaks nor understands English.

- Oh, it is unimportant.

His genius speaks for him.

- Exactly.

(speaking foreign language)

- Now, this is my daughter Joanna.

(speaking foreign language)

- Ah.
- How do you do?

- Would you please present
this to Dr. Spolenski?

- I should be honored.

- Over his head, please.

(light-hearted instrumental music)

- Hi, Vera.

Freddy!

Hi, mate.
- Hello there.

Hello, Harry, how are you?

Fine, how's the show shaping?

Good.

Well, what did I tell you?

Listen, Harry, did you have a look

at that new number I sent
over, the one in six-eight?

Yeah, well, what did I tell you?

Of course, it's a natural
for her, of course.

Listen, send it over to us
and we'll arrange it for her.

Yeah, listen, Harry, you see,

the thing about this
number is it's got a beat.

You see, everybody will want to play it.

Yeah, listen, who's supporting her?

No, not what, we know all about sellotape.

Who?

They are?

Oh, well, that's show business, isn't it?

Listen, I think I better
creep down and see you.

All right, goodbye, kid.

He did?

Well, what did I tell you?

What's that?

- I've got it, I've got
it, I've got it, Freddy.

- Got what?
- New song.

- Did you write it?

- You're kidding, of course.

Do you wanna hear it?

Do I wanna hear it?

Listen, you've got rent free rooms.

I've given you every penny you've got.

I've done all I can for you, Johnny.

- So, where am I?

- Where are you, you're nowhere,

and you took you a long time to get there.

Listen, unless I can get you an audition

with a record company, why don't you take

my advice and get out of the business

and earn four square meals a day?

- Freddy, before I cut my
throat, please try this.

Please?
- All right, all right.

- Please?

♪ Bah da dah da dah da da ♪

♪ Bah da da da da dah Ba dah ♪

♪ Bump bump bump ♪

♪ Been looking to the left ♪

♪ Been looking to the right ♪

♪ Been looking for a baby doll ♪

♪ To kiss me goodnight ♪

♪ Yes, my honey bunny baby ♪

♪ Come on and teach me right ♪

♪ Yes, my honey bunny baby ♪

♪ Come on and teach me right ♪

♪ I've thought the matter over ♪

♪ And tried to realize ♪

♪ My troubles would be over ♪

♪ If you'd roll those eyes ♪

♪ Yes, my honey bunny baby ♪

♪ Come on and speak sweet lies ♪

♪ Yes, my honey bunny baby ♪

♪ Come on and speak sweet lies ♪

♪ I'll never know which way to go ♪

♪ So, honey bunny baby ♪

♪ Take a-pity on a-me, yes ♪

♪ Honey bunny baby ♪

♪ Come on and teach me right ♪

♪ Yes, my honey bunny baby ♪

♪ Come on and teach me right ♪

(rollicking piano music)

- As a matter of fact, I'm looking

for someone to tune our piano.

- Oh, yes, what is your address, madam?

Or is it Miss?

- 77 Eaton Square, and it's Miss.

Why do you ask?

- Well, I must know
where to come, mustn't I?

- But you're not a piano tuner, are you?

- My dear Miss?

- Baring.

- Baring.

- When can we expect you?

- Half an hour.

- Oh, wonderful!

You won't let us down, will you?

We have an awfully important
party this evening.

- Dear Miss Baring, by tonight,

every note in your piano will
be on its very best behaviour.

- Thank you.

- Thank you, Miss.

(rollicking piano music)

Freddy, how do you tune a piano?

- Well, first of all, you
take all the wires out,

then you saw the legs
off, you wrap them in--

- Very funny.

Seriously, I've gotta tune one.

- You've gotta tune a piano?

- Yeah.

- Well, can you?

- I'll let you know tomorrow.

(light-hearted instrumental music)

- Don't worry, dear, but do
your best tonight, won't you?

- I suppose I'll only well have to,

but it's going to be a tremendous effort.

You know, the very name Greenslade—-

- Yes, I know how you feel,

but don't forget, it's important

to put up a prosperous front.

- Well, my first job is to find a butler.

- [Charles] Yes.

- Mrs. Baring?

- Excuse me, goodbye.

- Goodbye, Charles.

Now you will be here at 7:30, won't you?

- [Charles] I will, I will, yes.

- [Mrs. Baring] Yes?

- Miss Baring said you're
having a party this evening,

so I came along.

- Oh, do come in.

I didn't know my daughter
was calling on you.

Yes, we're having a very important party.

Come upstairs.

I understood they had no one available.

- They didn't, but I
thought I'd come along

and sort of save the
situation, so to speak.

- Oh, I'm very grateful to you.

Well, now, didn't you bring your clothes?

- Only these.

- You don't wear those to work?

- Oh, no, as a matter of fact,

I've got a pretty click job.

It's got a shawl collar, silk,

and turn-back cuffs of
the same material with a--

- No, thank you, no, well, never mind.

I'm sure Wilson will have
left something behind.

- [Johnny] Wilson?

- Yes, he went to Tibet in rather a hurry.

No, I'd almost given up hope

of getting anyone in time.

Ah, here we are.

Now, take off your coat.

- Take it off?
- Yes, of course.

The trousers you can try later.

- Oh, I'm glad of that.

- I think you're a little
broader than Wilson.

Still, we'll see.

Well, that's not too bad.

How's it feel?

- Like a straitjacket.

It's torn right down the back, look.

- There's only Mrs. Eady
and a housemaid to help you.

- Help me?

- Mrs. Eady is the cook.

She'll show you everything.

If you want the keys, ask her.

- Oh, I shall need the
keys, that's a certainty.

- Now here are your trousers.

- Mother, what are you doing?

- It's the butler, darling.

- He's not a butler, he's a piano tuner.

- Piano?

Why on earth didn't you tell me?

- Well, I was going to when
we got to the trousers.

(laughing)

- Now, give me that coat.

Joanna, take him down to the drawing room.

Well, I'll have to get
on to another agency.

(tuneless piano playing)

- I know it's a silly question,

but how does one start
to be a piano tuner?

- Oh, it's funny you
should ask that, Miss.

I would say, in my particular
case, it was an impulse.

An irresistible impulse.

- Yes.

Have you been at it long?

- Been at it long?

Oh, no, as a matter of
fact, it's quite recent.

I'd say it came to me,
sort of inheritance.

My father was one.

Well, you know how it is, Miss,

it's like being in the Guards.

- Oh, I see.

Just like being...

Well, that makes it all perfectly clear.

- Is that your old man?

- That was my father Max Baring.

- Max Baring?

Oh, he was a great guy.

I used to go to all of his
concerts when I was a kid.

- You like classical music,
symphonies, and so on?

- Sure, I love all that stuff.

Mind you, I prefer beat numbers.

- So do I, but we don't
use it in this house.

- You mean your mother's
a bit of a square, eh?

- No, she's not!

She's a wonderful person.

It just so happens that she
doesn't like popular music.

That's all.

- I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that.

- I'm sorry, too.

Got a little steamed up.

(tuneless piano playing)

You're not really a piano tuner, are you?

- Huh, what makes you think that?

(tuneless piano playing)

Oh, that was a wrong turn.

(tuneful piano playing)

How's that?

(tuneful piano playing)

- Better.

Are you what they call a song plugger?

- No, no, Freddy, he's a song plugger.

He's my mate.

I'm what you might call
a song demonstrator.

- What about a demonstration now?

- What, here?
- Mm hmm!

- What about?

- Oh, that's all right,
I'll close the door.

- Oh.

- Haven't you anyone on your books?

A student or an out-of-work actor.

I mean, just someone who can carry a tray.

Oh, well, well, thank you for trying.

♪ Treat me right ♪

♪ I've thought the matter over ♪

♪ Tried to realize ♪

♪ My troubles would be over ♪

♪ If you'd roll those eyes ♪

♪ Yes, my honey bunny baby ♪

♪ Come on and speak sweet lies ♪

♪ Yes, my honey bunny baby ♪

♪ Come on and speak sweet lies ♪

♪ I'll never know ♪

♪ Which way to go ♪

♪ So, honey bunny baby, take ♪

Joanna, please go and see
if Mrs. Eady needs any help.

After that little performance,

the piano will need attention.

Surprisingly still in tune.

Well, you seem to be quite accomplished.

- Oh, thank you.

I'll have a go at anything once.

- You'll have a go?

Anything?

- Yes, anything.

- Well, what are you doing tonight?

- Who, me?

- Yes.

Yes, you.

- Nothing.

- Well, good.

There's something I'd
like you to have a go at.

(graceful instrumental music)

- Oh, come, really, you must admit

Glyndbourne is showing promise.

- Salzburg is still to
me a great experience.

I go there every year.
- Really.

- It's not what it was, Helen.

It's lost its dedication.

- I'm a Bayreath man myself.

There, I really do find myself

in the presence, so to speak.

- With Wagner, that mass of brass?

- It has such splendor,
so orgiastic, elemental.

Don't you think so?

- Oh, well, it seems to me, I must admit.

(graceful instrumental music)

- You're doing excellently.

- Oh, thank you, madam,
but, confidentially,

you'd think this was the Sahara desert.

(graceful instrumental music)

- Oh!

- I'm so glad to see the doctor
enjoys our smoked salmon.

- That is an understatement.

- Good evening, Frances, my dear.

- Lionel.

- Interesting concert, very.

- Oh, I thought John surpassed himself.

- Yes, a splendid technician, isn't he?

- Splendid.

I don't think you've met Dr. Spolenski,

Mr. Clarke, and Professor Rackowitz.

- How do you do?
- How do you do?

I'm delighted to meet such
a distinguished visitor.

(Rackowitz speaking foreign language)

(Spolenski speaking foreign language)

- Mr. Clarke is our most
influential music critic.

(Rackowitz speaking foreign language)

(Spolenski speaking foreign language)

- Please.
- Oh, thank you very much.

- Merciful heavens, what a mess!

First no Wilson, no Mrs. Shuttleworth,

and there's one thing I can tell you,

I am not going to do that washing up.

(knocking)

Oh, there is Mrs.
Shuttleworth, let her in.

- [Johnny] Yes?

- Mrs. Eady?

- Come right in.

- Yes, yes, what do you want?

I'm very busy, be brief, and be off.

- It's you that wants me.

I've come to oblige.

- Who are you?

- I'm Mrs. Shuttleworth's Harry.

Me mom can't come, I come
to help with the washing up.

- Is she ill?

- No, she's with Mrs. Baxter.

It's their telly night tonight.

- Oh.

Very well, put this on.

Take off that coat and cap.

- Me cap?

What, and get me death of cold?

(graceful instrumental music)

- Champagne, Miss?

- No, thank you.

- How am I doing?

- You're marvelous.

- I'll tell you something.

Spolenski just wolfed the whole plateful

of smoked salmon and never said a word.

- His genius speaks for him.

- Genius?

- Ah, sip of this will do me good.

- Ah, certainly, sir.
- Thank you.

This might be a bit tricky, you know.

- What will?

- Now, when the Greenslades come--

- The Greenslades!

- Yes, didn't I tell you they were coming?

- You know perfectly
well you didn't tell me.

- Oh, my dear, how silly
of me, I'm so sorry.

Now, for heaven's sake,
try and be nice to Derek.

I know you don't like him,

and he's a wolf in wolf's
clothing and all that,

but do try and be nice to him, dear.

- He's the end!

- Yes, dear, but to a means.

- Oh, here they are.

- Don't forget.

- Greenslades?

Music for the Masses?

- Greenslade, glad you could come.

- Thank you.

You know Derek, don't you?

- Yes, of course.

Joanna was delighted when
I told her you were coming.

- The evening might be
interesting for him, too, eh?

- It might indeed, as you say.

I hope.

Follow me, won't you?

- By gum, this stuff could grow on you.

- What, at 50 bob 3 bottle?

- What?

I'll stick to me bottle of stout.

Smell that.

It's fishy.

- Of course it's fishy, it's caviar.

- They eat it?

- Eat it, it's a delicacy.

- Oh, give me a nice plate of trout

with plenty of salt and pepper and vinegar

in every hole, lovely.
- Now, Harry, get on

with your washing up,
and less talk out of you!

I can't understand a word
you're saying anyway.

- You can't?

That's funny, I've no trouble at home.

- Cigarette?
- No, thank you.

Let's get right down
to business, if we may.

I've given some thought
to Charles' proposal,

and it seems to me that the amalgamation

of your orchestra, the Symphonic,

with my Music for the Masses could provide

something quite new in
light entertainment,

and quite profitable, too.

- Amalgamation?
- I'll get you your drink.

- Well, Joanna, friends again?

- Mm hmm.

- Can I come out of the doghouse?

- Yes.
- Good, let's celebrate.

Let's have some champagne.

Hi, you!

- Who, me?
- Yes, you.

Bring two glasses of champagne, very dry.

- Very good, sir.

- Now, let me explain my idea,

and, if I may say so,
it's good, it's original.

I've booked a number of variety acts.

- Variety acts?
- Yes, you know,

instrumentalists, popular singers.

Of course, I'd willingly throw them in.

Then we form a new board with
myself as Managing Director.

Of course, I hope you'll be on it, too.

- Why, just a minute, Mr. Greenslade.

- Let Greenslade finish
his proposals, dear.

- Have you heard his proposals, Charles?

What is this?

The orchestra going out with variety acts?

Max's orchestra?

- [Charles] Don't let's
worry about that now, dear.

- Not worry?

And Spolenski, is he to
be called a variety act?

- [Charles] Yes, don't
let's get excited, Frances.

- Excited?

Mr. Greenslade, isn't it enough that,

having bought our record company,

you put croaking crooners on the label

my husband made famous with good music?

You now want to associate our orchestra

with variety acts?

- I was told you needed financial help.

- Financial help?

I do not need financial help,

and I certainly do not need amalgamation

with you, Mr. Greenslade.

- [Derek] Well, that's a promise then?

- [Joanna] Mm hmm!

- I asked for two glasses.

- Miss Joanna does not
drink champagne, sir.

- Bring another glass.

- No, thank you, Derek,
I don't drink champagne.

Oh, Johnny, you can get
me a small coffee, please.

- This is too Brut, I asked for dry.

Bring me another, very dry!

- Very good, sir.

- I'm sorry, Joanna, but there's one thing

I pride myself on and that's my palate.

Do you know I can almost tell

which side of the hill
the grapes come from?

- What did you say?

- I was just saying I'm a
good judge of champagne.

Thank you.

Ah, that's it.

It's got a tang.

All the difference in the world.

- Thank you, sir, you're
most discriminating, sir.

(Derek grunts)

(graceful instrumental music)

- How long have you been doing this?

- Oh, today.

- Oh, I'm a bit of a novice, meself.

And that record, why don't they change it?

Is it stuck?

- That record, as you call it,

are three very insipid characters

playing a harpsichord, oboe, and flute.

- Oh, straight stuff, eh?

- Oh, really strict.

- I like it hot.

- If you are seen going on
like that in this house,

you'll find yourself out on your ear.

- Oh, I will, will I?

Well, I chucked it.

- Oh, for goodness's, sake,
I didn't mean it like that.

I only meant don't let madam see you.

- Why, does she not like it hot?

- She does not!

- Oh, well, I suppose it's
all a matter of taste.

- Surely you didn't expect me to give up

the managing directorship?

I mean, you have Max's
label on your records.

You can't have his orchestra as well.

- Now, listen, dear--
- No, no, Charles, no.

- Well, it seems that I was mistaken.

A pity.

Please, think it over, Mrs. Baring.

- No, I don't have to, Mr. Greenslade.

- Thank you for the party.

I hope there are no hard feelings.

I should like to be friends, Mrs. Baring.

- Good night.
- Good night.

- Sorry, chum.

- By the left, don't
they ever stop drinking

and go to bed?

It's half past two.

- Not til all the hooch is gone.

- My feet are killing me,

and I'm that hungry, my belly thinks

me throat's cut.

- You'll get no food
til your job's finished.

- Won't I?

Then I've chucked it.

- You can't chuck it
til everything's over.

- Can't I?

- You can't.

- All right.

- Oh, I hope I was all right, madam.

- What?

Oh, you were excellent.

I'm so grateful to you.

Of course, I owe you some money.

- Oh, don't worry.

- Oh, but I must.

- Well, in that case,
you can send it to me.

- Where do you live?

- Highgate.

- Highgate?

Well, have you money for a taxi?

- I'll walk, I often do.

- Well, you can't walk
all the way to Highgate.

- Dick Wittington did.

- Now, now, you're not going to.

You must stay here tonight.

Wilson will fix you up.

Wilson!

- Mother, Wilson is probably halfway

to Tibet by now.

- Oh, dear, how stupid of me.

Really, this has been quite a day.

I keep forgetting.

Darling, Mister?
- Burns, Johnny Burns.

- Mr. Burns is going
to sleep here tonight,

so will you take him
along to Wilson's room,

and then come down and see me.

I want to talk to you.

Goodnight, Mr. Burns, and thank you

for saving the situation.

- Oh, thank you, madam, goodnight.

- This way.

It is made up.

I hope this will be all right.

- Oh, it's very nice, Miss.

- I'll try and find you some pajamas.

How did you know he liked
sugar in his crab salad?

- Well, he looked the type, Miss.

- And salt in the champagne?

- Well, to be perfectly honest,

I couldn't find the weed killer.

(chuckling)

- Will these do?

- Oh, yes, fine.

- You're on my dress.

- Pardon me.

- Well, goodnight.

- Goodnight.

- Joanna.

- Joanna.

Joanna, that's nice.

- Goodnight, Mr. Burns.

- Johnny.

- Johnny.

Goodnight.

(lively instrumental music)

(knocking)

- Come in.

Draw the curtains.

I'm afraid it's gonna
be a Grey day, Wilson.

- Lovely day, and the sun is shining.

My name is Burns, not Wilson.

- Oh, yes, of course.

I remember now.

Well, good morning.
- Good morning.

- I hope you slept well?

- Yes, thank you, I did, did you?

- Oh, yes, very well, thank you.

Who told you to bring my breakfast?

- Mrs. Eady.

She said Wilson always did.

- That's really rather different, you see?

Wilson has known me
since I was a schoolgirl.

- Oh, well, he was a lucky
butler, if I may say so, madam.

- Thank you.

Oh, tell me, do you piano tune

exclusively for Churches?

- Oh, I can assure you, exclusively.

- I see.

- Isn't my work satisfactory?

- Oh, yes, yes, very satisfactory.

I was just wondering
whether Churches could spare

their best piano tuner for a few days.

- Oh, if you're referring to me,

I can guarantee they could.

- Well, now since Wilson's
clothes fit you so admirably,

would you like to oblige me by helping

out for a day or two?

I have a lot of entertaining to do.

- You think I could?

- Well, you buttered like
an old hand last night.

You know, you could've made
some very serious mistakes.

- Yes, I most certainly could have, madam.

- Well, can we consider
the matter settled?

- Would that mean I have to sleep here?

- I'm afraid so, do you object?

- Oh, no, no, not at all.

I'll just nip home and get my things.

- Oh, and, by the way, you don't propose

taking my daughter's breakfast?

- Oh, since you mentioned it,

as a matter of fact, it
did flash through my mind.

- Oh, please, don't bother.

You see, she never breakfasts in bed.

- No, no, I must remember that, madam.

(gentle instrumental music)

Do I mind sleeping here?

Of course not, madam.

Don't go to her room.

No, I must remember that,
madam, it's very important.

Good morning, Miss.

- Good morning.

(Johnny whistles)

- Freddy!

- Freddy's been gone ages.

Where were you last night?

You had us worried.

- Sorry, Jill, I got myself a new job.

- No, what sort?

- Well, sort of everything.

- Any singing?

- No, no singing.

I've got to pick some clothes up.

Okay if I keep the room on?

- Sure.

Look, I'm popping out to do some shopping.

Will you keep an eye on baby for me?

- Don't worry, when it comes
to babies, you know me.

Cooee!
(baby cries)

(phone rings)

Hello.

- [Woman] Vera here, Freddy
wants a word with you.

- Very sorry.
- Johnny Burns on the line.

- Oh, call me back, Dave, will you?

Hello?

Johnny, Johnny, are you there?

Am I talking to myself, Johnny?

Johnny are you there, Johnny?

- Hey, what's that, Fred?

- Johnny, where have you been?

I had the canal dragged
this morning for you.

- I've got a new job!

- You have, have you?

You've also got a recording
try out at Greenslade's.

- What?
- Yes.

I fixed it this morning,
and I mean fixed it.

- Oh, that's great!

- [Freddy] Yeah, now
listen, you better get

over here as quickly as possible

and run through some numbers, right?

- Okay, I'll make it as soon as I can.

- You'll make it as soon,
that's very good of you.

What are you doing now?

(baby cries)
- Holding your baby.

- Highly comical, highly, highly comical.

Listen, that job you were
talking about, what is it?

- I'm a butler!

- Speak up, I thought you said butler.

- It was, butler!

- Don't be wet.

(baby cries)

- Wet?

(baby cries)

(graceful piano music)

Excuse me.

- Yes, Johnny?

- I wonder if I could have a
little time off this afternoon.

It's rather important,
otherwise, I wouldn't ask.

- Well, yes, all right, but I'd like you

back in time to serve tea.

- Oh, thank you, I'll be back.

(graceful piano music)

Hey, my father used to play that.

We loved it.

- Oh, you like good music, Johnny?

- Oh, yes, who doesn't?

- Oh, a lot of people, I'm afraid,

especially the younger ones.

All they seem to appreciate
is this noisy, raucous stuff.

Skiffle, or whatever
the current craze is.

And you can't like both.

- I suppose that's why Mahler

never made the Hit Parade, huh?

- What did you say?

- I mean, Mahler not being as
popular as, say, Tchaikovsky.

- Hello, darling.

- Hello, Joanna.

Well, what happened?

- Professor Maxwell has flu,
so my lesson's been canceled.

- All right, Johnny, that'll do.

Well, Johnny.

- Oh, yes, ma'am?

- [Frances] I'm glad you like Mahler.

- Oh, thank you, madam.

- You know, quite an
extraordinary character, darling.

He likes our music.

♪ Been looking to the left ♪

♪ Been looking to the right ♪

♪ Been looking for a baby
doll to kiss me goodnight ♪

♪ Yes, my honey bunny baby ♪

♪ Come on and teach me right ♪

♪ Yes, my honey bunny baby ♪

♪ Come on and teach me right ♪

♪ I've thought the matter over ♪

♪ And tried to realize ♪

♪ My troubles would be over ♪

♪ If you'd roll those eyes ♪

♪ Yes, my honey bunny baby ♪

♪ Come on and speak sweet lies ♪

♪ Yes, my honey bunny baby ♪

♪ Come on and speak sweet lies ♪

♪ I never know ♪

♪ Which way to go ♪

♪ So, honey bunny baby ♪

♪ Take a-pity on a-me ♪

♪ Yes, my honey bunny baby ♪

♪ Come on and teach me right ♪

♪ Yes, my honey bunny baby ♪

♪ Come on and teach me right ♪

(musicians chattering)

- Well, what did I tell you?

The boy is great, isn't he?

- He's okay.
- Okay?

He's another Frankie Vaughn,
do you know that?

And what about that song?

- It's okay.

- Do you want another take, sir?

- No, that's the one, mark it.

- Oh, Johnny.
- How was it?

- That was terrific.
- Okay.

- Yeah?
- Well, what did I tell you?

He's a natural, isn't he?

- Yeah I told you, he's okay.

- [Johnny] What's he doing here?

- Oh, he's only the boss's son.

He's in charge of this department.

Do you mind?

- Oh, no, no.

Look, I've gotta go, I've
got a date at five o'clock.

- Oh, Johnny, where are you going?

- I'm sorry.
- Johnny, come back here!

Johnny, Jumbo!

Johnny Boy!

I'm very sorry.

You know, that's a star all over.

- Star, my foot.
- Temperament.

That's all it is, temperament.

Johnny!

(busy instrumental music)

- He was supposed to be in to serve tea.

Well, you'd better take it up yourself,

and if the mistress wants
to know where he is--

- Excuse me.

(busy instrumental music)

- The English language, it
is very difficult, Doctor.

Perhaps you would prefer lemon.

Lemon.

- Leave it to me, dear.

What the answer sometimes is.

- Madam, may I be permitted?

- What?

(Johnny and Spolenski
speaking foreign language)

- Vera, darling, what did I tell you?

He's terrific, isn't he?

Listen, darling, get me
Johnny Burns first of all.

Then get me Bernie Delfont,

and I want to speak to Val Parnell, right?

- Yes, sir.
- But get me

Johnny Burns first of all, right?

- Haven't you forgotten something?

- Hmm, oh, yeah, come here.

Darling.

Money, money, money!

What will I do with the cash?

Money, money, money.

♪ Come on and teach me right ♪

♪ Yes, my homey bunny baby ♪

♪ Come on and teach me right ♪

- Tell them to rush it out quick.

- Don't worry, it's going out in August.

- You realize he's the
biggest thing since Frankie?

- That's exactly what Delfont thinks.

- Delfont?

Don't tell me you've been
playing this to Delfont.

- Well, why not, he's a good judge.

Even better than I am.

- If he paid as much
attention to your business

as you do to your nightlife--

- There's nothing wrong
with my nightlife, Father.

Nothing.

- Have you got him under contract?

- It only needs your signature.

- Only needs?

Before we know where we are.

Get me Freddie Berg at Churches quickly.

(doorbell rings)

- [Johnny] I told you not to come here.

- Wait a minute, wait a
minute, listen to this.

Your record, they love it.

- Well, that's great,
but why didn't you phone?

- Vera's been trying to
get you for half an hour.

Somebody's cut the phone off.

They haven't paid the bill here.

You know that, don't you?

Now listen, Greenslade's
gone mental about your song.

They're rushing it out.

I've got you a 50 quid advance.

(Johnny harrumphs)

- Yes, sir, and I will
inform madam later on.

- I'm sure she'll be hysterical.

(Freddy wolf whistles)

Look, Johnny, no more argument.

You come down to the office
with me straightaway.

- [Johnny] I can't, it's impossible.

- Are you mad?

This is what we've been waiting for.

Think of the years of
hard work I've put in.

You don't wanna spend
the rest of your life

larking about in this gear, do you?

- Yes, sir, I'll ask madam
to ring if she's interested.

Go on, push off, will you?

Do me a favor, beat it, go.

- Who was that?

- Oh, just a gentleman from
the Liberal party, madam.

- Oh, splitting the
vote is no use, Johnny.

You're either left or you're
right, don't you agree?

- Yes, yes, madam.

- Now, I want you to take a note down

to Claridges for me.

Oh and, Johnny, will you tell Mrs. Eady

I shall be taking Dr. Spolenski
out to dinner tonight?

- And I may I suggest the smoked salmon?

It went down very well the other evening

in every sense, madam.

- Oh, well, thank you, Johnny.

- Mother, the telephone's been cutoff.

- Oh, nonsense.

Now, deliver that
personally to Dr. Spolenski.

- Yes, madam.

- [Joanna] Mother, the
phone has been cutoff.

- Don't be silly, dear.

I expect it's just a
technical hitch or something.

- [Joanna] The bill hasn't been paid.

- Joanna, how do you know
the bill hasn't been paid?

- This was on your desk.

The final demand.

And all these.

- Yes, but it's nothing for
you to worry about, darling.

- Then what is?

- Well, I haven't wanted
to tell you, Joanna,

but, for the moment, we are,
temporarily, embarrassed.

- You mean we're broke.

- No, I don't mean we're broke.

I mean that, well, your father
made certain investments

and they've dropped in value,

and the bank has called in
our overdraft, that's all.

- Overdraft?

Have we been living on an overdraft?

- Oh, but of course, darling.

All the best people live on overdrafts.

I mean, Charles is always explaining to me

that in these days of high taxation,

overdrafts and back losses and residuals,

whatever they are, I mean,

it's the only thing that
makes living possible.

- What about the orchestra?

And Spolenski?

- Oh, now, don't worry
about that, darling.

Charles is making arrangements.

- That's why you asked Greenslade
to the party, isn't it?

- Yes, as a matter of fact, it is,

but it didn't work because he wanted

an amalgamation, and, rather than that,

we'll go bankrupt.

- Mother.

- Yes, dear?

- I don't think I'd
like us to go bankrupt.

- No, no, I'm very, very sorry.

No, it's more than my life is worth.

Absolutely not.
- Freddy!

- Listen, I'll call you back.

Do you know we've got a hit?

I told you we'd do it.
- Great, great.

The money, where is it?

- The money will be here any minute.

- I want a cheque.

- Cheque, what would you do with a cheque?

- Never you mind, make it
out to he Postmaster General

for 37 pound, 18 and 10 pence.

- Postmaster General,
what's he done for you?

- And I want an advance.

- Listen, I told you I'd get
you an advance of 50 quid.

- 50 pound, I want 500 pound.

- 500 pound?
- Double sharp!

- Now I know you're meshuga.

Do you know how many
records you've gotta sell

to make 500 pounds?
- 240,000.

- That's right, yeah.

Now, to sell that many records,

you've gotta have a hit.

- Freddy, Freddy, what's
the matter with you?

You just told me I've got a hit!

Are you a manager or not?

- Yeah, Johnny, but 500
pounds is a lot of cash.

- Look, get on to Greenslade,
he's got plenty of cash.

Get some from him, okay?

- Get me Greenslade.
- Oh, and Freddy.

- What?
- Don't you contact me,

I'll contact you, okay?

♪ Love is the sweetest thing ♪

♪ What else on earth could ever bring ♪

♪ Such happiness to everything ♪

♪ As love's old story ♪

♪ Love is the strangest thing ♪

♪ No song of birds upon the wing ♪

♪ Shall in our hearts more sweetly sing ♪

♪ Than love's old story ♪

♪ Whatever heart may desire ♪

♪ Whatever fates may send ♪

♪ This is the tale that never will tire ♪

♪ This is the song without end ♪

♪ Love is the greatest thing ♪

♪ The oldest, yet the latest thing ♪

♪ I only hope that fate may bring ♪

♪ Love's story to you ♪

- That was nice.

- Thank you.

(traffic hums)

- The doctor's with Teddy Fenton now.

He can't croak a note, laryngitis.

Mr. Nesbitt says will you let
Mr. Delfont know at once.

- Stand by, I'll be back.

- Yes, Mr. Delfont.

What a pleasure to hear from you, sir.

What can I do for you?

Johnny Burns?

Pardon?

Yes, I'd heard that Ted
was out of the show.

Tonight?

(phone rings)
Excuse me,

Mr. Delfont, please.

Hello?

Oh, Mr. Greenslade.

Oh, what a pleasure to hear from you, sir.

Always lovely hearing from you.

Johnny?

Johnny Burns?

Yes, I handle Johnny Burns, yes.

No, no, not yet.

Excuse me a moment, please.

Mr. Delfont, I'll ring
Johnny straightaway, yes.

- What is all this, double talk?

- I suppose you could call
it a sort of double talk.

- That's what it sounds like.

Look, Freddy, I want you to
lunch with me on Thursday.

Yes, and bring Johnny Burns with you.

I think we're in business.

- Well, Johnny and I would love

to come have lunch with
you, Mr. Greenslade,

and I'm sure that we're gonna
enjoy doing business together.

Yes, excuse me a moment, sir.

Mr. Delfont, I'll call you as soon

as I've spoken to Johnny, yes.

Mr. Greenslade, I'll call you as soon

as I've spoken with my client Mr. Burns.

Yes, okay, goodbye, Mr. Greenslade.

Goodbye, Mr. Delfont.

Bless you.

(car rumbles)

(doorbell rings)

- [Johnny] Look, Freddy, I
said don't come here, you know?

- Listen, why don't you get
them to pay this phone bill?

Everything's happening at once.

Listen, Greenslade wants us to have lunch

to talk contracts, and Delfont wants you

to go on in Talk of the Town.

- Talk of the Town?
- Talk of the Town.

Tonight, Ted's got a bit of a bad throat.

- Oh, no!
- What do you mean "oh no"?

- I can't!
- Well, why not?

- I've been left in charge
of the house tonight.

There's nobody else here.

Yes, sir, and I'll ask madam to ring

if she's at all interested.

Now go on, beat it, scram, buzz off.

- [Joanna] Johnny?

- Yes, Miss?

- [Joanna] What was that?

- A gentleman from the
Liberal party, madam.

- Wasn't he here the other day?

- Yes, he's most insistent.

I told him, what's the
point of splitting the vote?

I mean, you're either
left or you're right,

if you know what I mean, madam.

- What was that he said
about Talk of the Town?

- Yes, it was.
- What was?

- Oh, the way I knocked
them at the last meeting.

- Oh.

Oh, it was, was it?

(car honks)

(Rackowitz speaking foreign language)

- Dr. Spolenski says he likes
everything in this country.

- That is very nice.

- Particularly smoked salmon.

You know, I believe if he had been paid

in smoked salmon instead of sterling,

it would've been equally acceptable.

- I rather wish we had
known this a little sooner.

(laughing)

- The embassy is on the phone, sir.

- The embassy?
- Yes, sir.

(Rackowitz speaking foreign language)

- Would you excuse me?

- Oh, but certainly.

- I must have a word
with you while he's away.

Just as well our friend
doesn't understand English.

(Sploenski laughs)

(Spolenski speaking foreign language)

- What is wrong?

- Well, the embassy want to find out

just why the concert isn't sold out.

- Not sold out?

Oh, but I would have thought
the mere announcement

of the name Spolenski, known,
as it is, to the whole world—-

- Our world, but, musically,
a very changing one.

The young people know nothing

and care less about Spolenski.

(chuckling)

- Yes.
- The trouble is,

unless this first concert is sold out,

the rest of the tour may be affected.

- This is a great shock, Mr. Ferguson.

You must do something immediately,

big, big publicity.

- Well, the press seem
to be more interested

in him as a gourmet than as a musician.

Smoked salmon seems to be
better copy than Shostakovich.

- Shostakovich!

Shostakovich!

- Great, great composer.
- He's coming back.

- Well, you mustn't let him know,

or the doctor, that the
seats are not fully booked.

(chuckles) Yes, you know,
Professor Rackowitz,

it is quite extraordinary.

Dr. Spolenski gives the impression

that he understands everything

that is being said about everything.

Yes, it must be his musical ear.

(laughing)

(smooth instrumental music)

♪ If there's a little accent ♪

♪ In her talk ♪

♪ If there's a little wiggle ♪

♪ In her walk ♪

♪ Oh, boy ♪

♪ That's my doll ♪

♪ A pair of arms that are just my size ♪

♪ And she's got those twinkling eyes ♪

♪ Oh, boy ♪

♪ That's my doll ♪

♪ And if she's wearing those flowers ♪

♪ Pinned in her hair ♪

♪ And shoulders, lovely shoulders ♪

♪ That are so bare ♪

♪ Now if she looks at you ♪

♪ The way she looks at me ♪

♪ I'll tell you, brother,
it's plain to see ♪

♪ Why she's ♪

♪ My doll ♪

♪ If there's a little accent in her talk ♪

♪ If there's a little wiggle in her walk ♪

♪ Oh, boy ♪

♪ That's my doll ♪

♪ A pair of arms that are just my size ♪

♪ And she's got those twinkling eyes ♪

♪ Oh, boy ♪

♪ That's my doll ♪

♪ And if she's wearing ♪

♪ Those flowers pinned in her hair ♪

♪ And shoulders, lovely shoulders ♪

♪ That are so bare ♪

♪ Now if she looks at you ♪

♪ The way she looks at me ♪

♪ I'll tell you, brother,
it's plain to see ♪

♪ Why she's ♪

♪ My doll ♪

♪ My honey baby ♪

♪ She's ♪

♪ My doll ♪

- Where are you going?

You're killing them!

Now, listen, Greenslade's out front.

Now get back out there.

(clapping)
(cheering)

♪ Love is the greatest thing ♪

♪ The oldest, yet the latest thing ♪

♪ I only hope ♪

♪ That fate may bring ♪

♪ Love's story to you ♪

(clapping)
(cheering)

- Good evening, Mr. Burns.
- Good!

Gracious.

- Late, aren't you?

- I am rather.

I was at a local political meeting.

It went on rather.

- I'm sure it was a most
enthusiastic audience.

- Oh, they were most enthusiastic.

- Did you speak?

- I made some sort of noise.

- No idea you were interested in politics.

- I am, oh, I'm crazy about it.

What's that you've got there?

- It's a new record, as a matter of fact,

and it's not even out in the shops yet.

- Spolenski, of course.

- No, no, it's a new singer.

I don't even know his name.

- Do you think we can hear it?

- Mm hmm.

My mother won't be back for ages.

She's teaching Spolenski
how to speak English.

- I know one thing she
won't have to teach him,

that's how to eat smoked salmon.

(Joanna laughs)

♪ Love is the sweetest thing ♪

- Why didn't you tell me?

- Well, if your mother knew,

I'd be out of a job.

♪ As love's old story ♪

- If this is a hit, you won't
want to stay here anyway.

- Wouldn't I?

- Would you?

♪ Shall in our hearts most sweetly sing ♪

I wonder what it would
be like here without you.

- Well, you just keep on wondering, chum.

You're lumbered.

Hey, and you know something else?

I'm not even going to Tibet
on my afternoons off.

(chuckling)

- Johnny.

(door snaps)

- Jo?

- [Joanna] Yes, Mother?

- Not gone to bed yet, darling?

- No, no, I wasn't sleepy.

- [Frances] Well, how was the party?

- Wonderful, wonderful.

- Well, I'm all in.

I've been trying to get something

besides a smile, a charming
smile, and "tak tak"

out of Spolenski.

I'm absolutely exhausted.

Oh, dear, I could put my feet up

and go right to off to sleep here.

- Sleep, no, no, you can't.

Mother, you must go straight
off to bed right now,

and I'll bring you some milk

and a couple of aspirins, hmm?

- Oh, you know, I'm a
very lucky person, Jo,

to have such a considerate daughter.

Thank you, darling.

- I do my best.

- What are you reading?

- Teatime in Tibet.

- Oh, it's interesting?

- Very.

As far as I've got.

(knocking)

- Oh, that's not your job, Johnny.

- Oh, no, madam.

Gives me a bit of a workout, keeps me fit.

- Oh, yes, but be careful,
they're rather delicate.

- Oh, I beg your pardon, ma'am.

- Johnny, Mr. Norman will
be here in a few minutes.

Bring up the sherry.

And I shall be out for luncheon.

Oh, dear, I keep forgetting.

(dial tone buzzes)

- A dialing tone, madam.

- Yes, well, that's what I thought.

That's not possible, is it?

I mean...

Paid!

"Received with thanks."

How wonderful!

(door bell rings)
- Wonderful, oh, pardon me.

It's the door bell.

Good morning, Mr. Norman.

- [Charles] Good morning,
is Mrs. Baring around?

- [Johnny] Yes, sir.

- Good.

Hello, my dear.

- Charles!

It was you.

- Was it?

- Oh, you're a wonderful man.

- Am I really?

- Yes, and it was so like you.

- Was it?

- Now, you can't deny it.

You did it, didn't you?

- Well, if you say so.

- The last thing I want
to do is embarrass you.

- You're succeeding in
doing it, if I may say so.

- All right, I won't say more about it.

- I think that might be better.

- Johnny, bring some sherry.

- Madam.
- And some brandy.

- Sir.

- You know, Charles,
it's at times like these

you find out who your real friends are.

- [Charles] Oh, it is, is it?

- [Frances] Cigarette, Charles?

- Ah, thanks.

- Now we've disposed of
the smaller problems,

how about the big one?

What is the financial situation?

- Well, I've been into
it pretty carefully.

We've got enough to
get the season started,

as far as the orchestra is concerned.

- Oh, what a relief.

- The immediate problem is
our friend Spolenski's fee.

Payable in advance, you remember.

- I know, I wake up in the
night and I say to myself,

where am I going to raise 3,000 pounds?

- I know, but we've got to get it.

Otherwise, he'll be back
through that Iron Curtain

like oxyacetylene.

- How long do you think he will wait?

- Not more than a day or two, I'm afraid.

You must bear in mind
he's not a capitalist.

- We may as well book
his passage back now.

And after all the publicity.

It's so humiliating.

- I know exactly how you feel, my dear,

but you must count on
me to do the best I can.

You won't reconsider
Greenslade, I suppose?

- I'm sorry, Charles,
I'll grovel to my bank manager,

but Greenslade, no.

- You realize, of course, that Johnny's had

an awful lot of offers since
Talk of the Town opened.

- I don't doubt it, but
Greenslade's can match them.

- Yeah, I bet you can.

He's also pulling down
quite a lot of money

in Talk of the Town.

- So is Delfont.

- Funny you should mention Delfont

because, between you and me,

Delfont's made a very interesting offer

for Johnny's exclusive services,

but the boy realizes, of course,

that you discovered him.

- I'm delighted to hear that,

and we can make his future.

- You can, indeed.

Let's put it this way,
Mr. Greenslade, if I--

- Excuse me, Freddy.

I know that Freddy can look
after the business end,

but, speaking as an artist-—

- Johnny, this is--
- I'd like to say

that the way I'm doing my business,

the way I'm enjoying my work,

I would willingly do it for nothing.

- Ah, spoken like a true artist, my boy.

- And I'm the first to realize

that the opportunity you've given me,

I mean, Freddy's been plugging
me around the business,

and you've taken the initiative

and given me this break,

but I can honestly say I'm truly grateful.

- And very nice to hear that.

- Good boy.

- Now, about the agreement,

do you think I have long in the business?

- Oh, longer than anyone on the horizon.

- How long would you say?

- 10 years, minimum.

- 10 years.

What sort of money could I make?

- 10,000 a year, minimum.

- 10,000 a year, that's 100,000 pounds.

- Yes, minimum, I'm always conservative.

- Mr. Greenslade, I'd like
to sign with you exclusively,

body and soul.

- Ah.
- Good boy!

You'll never regret it.

Freddy, we've got a deal to drink to.

- Yes, indeed, cheers.

- Before I sign the contract,

I'd like to ask a small favour.

- Anything you'd like.

- I'd like 3,000 pounds

as an advance.

I mean, Freddy can look
after the business end.

I don't know much about business,

I'm not a businessman, but I know

that 3,000 pound against 100,000 pound

is a mere fleabite.

- What would it cost me
if you were a businessman?

- 3,000 pounds.

I'd rather not have a check.

I would like a banker's draught.

- Johnny, Mr. Greenslade--

- Banker's draught.

(Johnny humming)

- Morning, Johnny!

- Oh, good morning, Miss.

- Well, what do you think
of the by-election results?

- By who?

- The by-election.

- [Johnny] What should I know about it?

- Well surely they
discuss this sort of thing

at the political meetings
you go to every evening?

- Oh, yes, well, I think
it's most significant

that the Labor party and those voters

in that part of they
country, they sort of—-

- Johnny, come on.

Where do you go every evening?

- Well, hold on.

Well, as a matter of fact, I'm working

at the Talk of the Town.

- No!

- Singing.

- Oh, wonderful!

When do you finish?

- Tonight.
- I'm coming!

- Good, don't bring your mother.

- Oh, I'm sorry to trouble
you at home, Mr. Bender,

but I've seen something that
I'd very much like to buy,

and I was wondering if you'd like, well,

I really don't ever use that bracelet

that my husband bought from you,

and I thought that perhaps you'd, oh.

Oh, no, no, I didn't know
they'd gone out of fashion.

Oh, they're no longer
a girl's best friend?

Well, I had thought perhaps 3,000 pounds?

What?

Oh, no, no, well, I'm so sorry I troubled

you at home, Mr. Bender, thank you.

- Look, it's my night off tonight.

I mean, my official trade union night off.

I don't suppose you'd care to have

a little supper with me?

The show doesn't start til about midnight.

- I'd love it.

- You would?

- All right, Mrs. Eady, I'll get it.

Morning, darling.

- [Joanna] Good morning.

- Morning, Johnny.

- [Johnny] Morning, madam.

Orange juice?
- Please.

Now, I've got to phone the box office,

check the orchestrations,

and phone the bank manager.

Not my favourite man.

- Mother, I've been invited
out to dinner this evening.

- Oh?

- I'll probably be home rather late.

- Oh.

- What's the matter?

- It can't be true.

- What can't be true?

- 3,000 pounds.

"I'm sending you this to help maintain

"the standard which
the Symphonic Orchestra

"has always upheld.

"A lover of music."

- Who's it from?

- It's a lover of music.

- Yes, but the check must
be signed or something.

- No, it's not a check, darling,
it's a banker's draught.

Oh, do you realize what
this means, Joanna?

Spolenski's fees for the entire tour!

What a relief.

I must go and ring Charles and tell him.

3,000 pounds, Johnny!

- I hope it doesn't bounce.

- Johnny, banker's draughts do not bounce!

- Yes, madam.

- Now I believe in miracles.

But it can't be Charles.

He's much too practical.

He'd rather cancel Spolenski's tour

than send my mother 3,000 pounds.

- Well, why worry?

I mean, it's not your business.

Personally, I wouldn't
give it a second thought.

(Joanna weeps)

Hey, don't cry.

Look, we're gonna have a
wonderful evening this evening.

- Johnny, I love her so much,

and I know how she's suffered,

and she's been so humiliated.

She's a wonderful person!

Johnny, she's not really a square.

(Frances humming)

- Oh, dear Charles, he
almost wept on the phone.

Now, as soon as the bank opens,

I'm going to ring my
dear friend the manager.

- Can I get you some nice breakfast now?

- Oh, Johnny, this is my breakfast.

- Very good, madam.

- Oh, Joanna, now we can
really make some plans.

Darling, what's the matter?

- Nothing.

- Joanna, you've been crying.

- No, no, I haven't.

- But, sweet, I know it's
been a terrible strain,

but it's all over now.

- Mother, I'm all right, really.

It's just that I'm so very happy for you.

- I'm happy, too, darling.

- Oh, Mother, isn't it wonderful?

(women weep)

(traffic hums)

- May I have your autograph?

- Oh, sure, if you really want it.

- Oh, I'd love it!

On here, please.

Oh, isn't it gorgeous?

Oh, thank you so much.

- Thank you.

- Gorgeous, eh?

What does it feel like, being a star?

- Well, if I am a star,

it has little to do with me.

I think luck plays a big
part in this business.

You meet the right
people at the right time.

- It isn't all luck,
singing the way you do.

Anyway, what's wrong with luck?

What's wrong with
meeting the right people?

- Oh, nothing, it's wonderful sometimes.

Have you ever?

- Yes, I have, Johnny.

- Uh huh.

- Quite recently, too.

- And did they make you a star?

- No, just starry-eyed, that's all.

- How does that feel?

- Oh, a bit breathless, a bit scatty,

sort of like having one foot
off the ground, you know?

- That's funny.

- Why?

- With me, it's both feet.

(chuckling)

- [Freddy] John Boy.

- Oh, Freddy.

Can I introduce my manager Freddy Berg.

- How do you do?
- Miss Baring.

- Of course, the man
from the Liberal party.

(chuckling)

Well, John Boy, I should go and get ready.

- Freddy, she likes to be on her own.

- Bye.
- Bye.

- He drinks.

- [Freddy] Listen,
Johnny, I tell you what.

(clapping)

♪ The song without end ♪

♪" Love is the greatest thing ♪

♪ The oldest, yet the latest thing ♪

♪ I only hope that fate may bring ♪

♪ Love's story to you ♪

(clapping)
(cheering)

♪ Been looking to the left ♪

♪ Been looking to the right ♪

♪ Been looking for a baby
doll to kiss me goodnight ♪

♪ Yes, my honey bunny baby ♪

♪ Come on and teach me right ♪

- I suppose this is part of my education.

♪ Yes, my honey bunny baby ♪

♪ Come on and treat me right ♪

♪ I've thought the matter over ♪

♪ And tried to realize ♪

♪ My troubles would be over ♪

♪ If you'd roll those eyes, ♪

♪ Yes, my honey bunny baby ♪

♪ Come on and speak sweet lies ♪

♪ Yes, my honey bunny baby ♪

♪ Come on and speak sweet lies ♪

Look.

♪ I'll never know ♪

♪ Which way to go ♪

♪ So, honey bunny baby ♪

♪ Take a-pity on a-me ♪

♪ Yes, my honey bunny baby ♪

♪ Come on and teach me right ♪

♪ Yes, my honey bunny baby ♪

♪ Come on and teach me right ♪

(rollicking instrumental music)

♪ I've thought the matter over ♪

♪ And tried to realize ♪

♪ My troubles would be over ♪

♪ If you'd roll those eyes ♪

♪ Yes, my honey bunny baby ♪

♪ Come on and speak sweet lies ♪

♪ Yes, my honey bunny baby ♪

♪ Come on and speak sweet lies ♪

♪ I'll never know ♪

♪ Which way to go ♪

♪ So, honey bunny baby ♪

♪ Take a-pity on a-me ♪

♪ Yes, my honey bunny baby ♪

♪ Come on and teach me right ♪

♪ Yes, my honey bunny baby ♪

♪ Come on and teach me right ♪

(clapping)
(cheering)

- Mother.

What are you doing here?

- It would be much more to the point

to know what you're doing here.

- Well, I was invited out to dinner.

I told you.

- You took good care not to tell me

who had invited you.

- My dear, wouldn't it be better

if we discussed the matter at home?

- I suppose you've been a
party to this conspiracy?

- What conspiracy, Mother?

- He came creeping into my house,

masquerading as a penniless
piano tuner out of a job.

- I beg your pardon, madam,

I didn't creep and I'm not penniless.

- I suppose you're making a fortune,

singing this rubbish.

- Mother, he called you
a square, and you are.

- How dare you call me a square!

- I didn't use the word, but aren't you?

- How dare you call my mother a square!

- Excuse me.

- Look, Charles, please, keep out of this.

- I'm only asking, what's a square?

- Well, apparently, I am.

- Oh, I see.

- Mr. Burns, I shall be
glad if you'll remove

your belongings from my house,

and please refrain from
seeing my daughter again.

- Please, don't worry
yourself on either score.

And, by the way, thanks for the job.

It's a good one if you can
take all that strict tempo.

- [Joanna] Johnny!

- Joanna, get your things.

Charles, I'm right, aren't I?

- Don't ask me,
I'm probably a square myself.

(ringing)

(graceful instrumental music)

♪ She is one of airs and graces ♪

♪ She is full of cultured traces ♪

♪ Her looks and charms are all the rage ♪

♪ But she's not of this modern age ♪

♪ She tilts her nose when
they're playing bop ♪

♪ She won't let rip at the local hop ♪

♪ When I sing cool, she hollers stop ♪

♪ The lady is a square ♪

♪ The string quartet's her only pride ♪

♪ When jiving starts, she runs to hide ♪

♪ She never takes a ragtime ride ♪

♪ The lady is a square ♪

♪ She never taps her pretty feet ♪

♪ Or dances 'neath the moon ♪

♪ She never stops a-digging me ♪

♪ But she won't dig this tune ♪

♪ She won't look in at the jamboree ♪

♪ She can't stand upbeat harmony ♪

♪ When I hit the rock,
she can't stand me ♪

♪ The lady is a square ♪

- Well, isn't he marvelous?

He's wonderful.

Isn't he sensational?

- He's okay.

- Okay?

Listen, do you realize
this will sell a million?

- If it'll sell a million,
it'll have to be good, won't it?

♪ The lady is a square ♪

♪ She never taps her pretty feet ♪

♪ Or dances 'neath the moon ♪

♪ She never stops a-digging me ♪

♪ But she won't dig this tune ♪

♪ She won't join in at
at the jazz band ball ♪

♪ And skiffling drives her up the wall ♪

♪ She's never heard a cool cat call ♪

♪ The lady is a square ♪

♪ The lady ♪

♪ Is a square ♪

- [Freddy] (chuckles)
Oh, dear, oh, dear.

- How was it?

- How was it, I don't know what to say.

- The biggest thing on our list this year.

- Oh, great.
- Here, Johnny, come on,

let's hear it, lad, that's a boy.

Yeah, Johnny, that Mozart
bit, it was sensational.

- Oh, he was always pretty good.

(chuckling)

(graceful instrumental music)

- [Joanna] Yes?

- Good afternoon,
I'm from the Record Express.

Is Mrs. Baring in, please?

- No, I'm afraid she.

I'm sorry.

Mother, there's someone here
from the Record Express.

- Good afternoon.

- Good afternoon, Mrs. Baring.

Can I have your reactions to this, please?

- What has this to do with me?

- Johnny Burns did work
for you, didn't he?

- Johnny Burns?

Oh, yes, yes, he did, for a short while.

- Do you think you inspired
his new hit number?

- I haven't the faintest idea
what his new hit number is.

- Well, it's here, "The Lady is a Square."

- “The Lady is a Square.“

They say it'll be the biggest
hit of the year, a smash.

- Is this dedicated to me?

- Not exactly,
but there's a strong rumor.

- Well, I'm very flattered,

and very busy, if you'll excuse me.

- You have nothing to say?

- No.

Oh, yes, yes, I have.

Will you say that we
are just good friends.

- If ever there was a dirty,
rotten, filthy so-and-so!

- Oh, don't worry about it,
darling, it doesn't matter.

- Don't worry?

Why, to think he could be as mean as that!

- Hiya, Johnny.

♪ She tilts her nose
when the playing bops ♪

♪ She won't let rip at the local hop ♪

- My life, Johnny, do you know
this record is marvelous?

It's going to make a million copies.

Have you seen the returns?

Eh?

What's up, John Boy?

- Have you seen this?

- Oh, yes, of course I
have, that was my idea.

- You did this, to her?

- Johnny, Johnny!

- How low can you get?

- What's the matter with you?

What do you mean?

After the way she treated
you and all you did for her?

Don't be crazy.

This is our way of making the money back

that we borrowed from Greenslade.

- I couldn't feel worse.

I've done a terrible thing.

- Johnny, don't be silly.

What do you mean, terrible?

Listen, you see those kids out there?

They're queuing halfway down Bond Street,

and what are they queuing for?

Your record.

A terrible thing!

Such a terrible thing should happen to me.

♪ The lady is a square ♪

- Good morning.
- Good morning, darling.

Well, at last, they seem to have got tired

of that stupid my square lady joke.

Perhaps now they'll have some time

to devote to Spolenski.

- Mother, I saw him yesterday.

- What, you saw Spolenski?

- No, Johnny Burns.

- Joanna, I thought you
said that you would never-—

- Yes, I know I did, Mother,

but this was purely accidental.

Derek was showing me around
the recording studios,

and, well, he was there.

- Really?

- Mother, he said he wouldn't
do anything to hurt you.

- Joanna, I'd rather not discuss it.

I mean, did he or did he not

compose and sing that record,

or was it all just some,
well, some newspaper nonsense?

- Mother, he wants to see you.

Will you see him?

- I certainly will not, Joanna.

- Mother, have you seen this?

- No, Joanna, and I don't want to.

I'm sick and tired of
the whole silly joke.

- Johnny Burns is
singing on the same night

as our concert!

- What difference does that make?

People who appreciate
Spolenski and our orchestra

are not likely to stay
away to hear Johnny Burns.

- This is the same programme as
the National Youth Orchestra.

And they will go and hear
that, it's wonderful!

- So he wouldn't do
anything to hurt me, Joanna?

(dramatic instrumental music)

- That wasn't bad.

But will you please watch your
intonation very carefully?

And, Alan, you and me
must look at each other

just after the cadenza, very properly.

- Yes, sir.
- Go back to letter D

once more, will you, please?

(dramatic instrumental music)

- Isn't that grand?

Now I want a story on
this boy, a big story.

How did he start, who taught him,

his repertoire, and a
general buildup, got it?

- Excuse me, sir,
Mr. Robin would like to speak

to you on the phone.

- Well, I can't be disturbed now.

Tell him I'll call back later.

- He says it's urgent, sir.

- Trouble?
- Yes, sir, serious trouble.

- Very well, I'll come.

(dramatic instrumental music)

- Good morning, Mrs. Baring.

- Good morning, Mr. Greenslade.

- I'd like to talk to you.

- Won't you come in and sit down?

- No, thank you, I can say what
I have to here, standing up.

- Very well.

- Johnny Burns refuses to go on.

He accuses me of deliberately booking him

in opposition to your concert.

- Well, isn't that precisely
what you have done?

- If I had, it wouldn't justify

his breaking his contract.

- He's breaking his
contract because of that?

- He is, and you know it.

- Indeed I do not know it.

What Mr. Burns does or does
not has nothing to do with me.

- Saving your tour had
plenty to do with him.

- I really haven't the faintest idea

of what you're talking about.

- Haven't you?

Did you receive 3,000 pounds
which you paid Spolenski?

- I fail to see, Mr. Greenslade,

what concern this is of yours.

- Whose money did you think it was?

- Well, if you must know,
it was an anonymous gift

from a lover of music.

Good music, Mr. Greenslade.

- It was my money,
advanced to Johnny Burns

on account of his earnings,

on a banker's draught so that
you wouldn't find out about it.

- Well, I can't believe it!

- If you don't wanna take my word for it,

ask my bank.

- Joanna, did you know about this?

- No, Mother, I didn't.

- Well, even assuming
what you say is correct,

what do you expect me to do?

- You talked him out of it,
talk him back in again.

- Talk him back in?

- Perhaps you would be so kind

as to show yourself out, Mr. Greenslade.

Come and sit down, darling.

- But, Joanna,

can you imagine that Johnny
would do a thing like that?

- Yes, Mother, I can.

And the telephone bill
and all those other bills,

that must've been him, too.

- Oh, what a perfectly
wonderful thing to do.

Joanna, I must talk to him,

but where do I find him, do you know?

- Your guess is as good as mine.

Freddy would know at Churches.

- Oh, darling, go and get your things.

We must see him.

(busy instrumental music)

- What have I done right?

- The banker's draught
did not bounce, Johnny.

- Don't look at me, I didn't tell her.

On my life, I didn't tell her!

- Well then who did?

- What does that matter?

The important thing is you did it.

- I really don't know what to say.

- I'm sorry you found out.

I mean, I made you look such a fool,

such a ridiculous cheap joke.

- Oh, I would've looked more ridiculous

had Dr. Spolenski canceled his contract.

As it is, our tour's going
out thanks to you, Johnny,

and our first performance is going on,

and that's what you've got to do, go on.

- Well, if he doesn't,
it'll be curtains for me.

- [Frances] And for Johnny?

- Well, it'll be the same curtains.

- There, do you hear what Mr. Berg says?

It's professional suicide,
Johnny, you must go on.

- I'll have to think it over.

- [Frances] You have to think quickly.

- Thank you.
- Good luck to you,

and I'm sure you'll
make the right decision.

Goodbye, Mr. Berg.

- Goodbye, Mrs. Baring.

- Joanna.

Look, if I go on, will you come along?

- Johnny, I'd love to,

but it's my mother's big night, as well,

and, naturally, I want to be with her.

You understand, don't you?

- Yes, I understand.

- Bye.

- Goodbye.

(light-hearted instrumental music)

- Now, that's disposed
of Greenslade's problems,

but we've plenty of our own.

- [Charles] You don't know the half of it.

- Charles, what's happened now?

- Oh, dear,
thank goodness you've come home.

The place is full of doctors.

Spolenski's ill.

- What is it, heart attack?

- No, no, no, nothing like that.

Poisoning, fish poisoning.

- Smoked salmon.

- (chuckles) Yes.

- Is it serious?

- Well, he's gotta go to hospital.

We're waiting for the ambulance now.

- Charles!

What about the concert?

- Oh, Ferguson's got that in hand.

We'll have to postpone it, of course.

- But can we postpone?

- Well, to tell you the truth,

it might be a turn up for the book.

A lot of the cheaper
seats have been canceled,

you know, because of this fella Burns.

Directly our friend gets
over his tummy ache,

we can get some more publicity
and possibly sell out.

- Ought I to see him?

- Well, he's not a very pretty sight,

but, then, he never is, is he?

- Oh, Sonia. (groans)

Sonia.

Oh, Sonia.

- Dr. Spolenski, I'm so sorry.

How is he, Doctor?

- We'll have to get
him to hospital quickly

and get busy with a stomach pump.

- Ah, no, no, no, no, not that!

Rackowitz, not the stomach pump! (groans)

- Well, Dr. Spolenski speaks English?

- It must be the shock.

- Yes, I think it must be.

- Mother!

Isn't it wonderful?
- Wonderful?

Well, it may be wonderful to you, Joanna,

but, to me, the whole
thing is sheer chaos!

- But don't you see?

Now I can go to Johnny's concert!

- Well, my dear child, there's
nothing I can do to stop you.

- No, but you can come with me.

- Joanna, I appreciate our good luck

in having our concert postponed,

and I'm deeply grateful to Johnny Burns

for what he's done for the orchestra,

but to go and hear him sing,

well, that's just really asking too much!

♪ And if she's wearing those flowers ♪

♪ Pinned in her hair ♪

♪ And her shoulders, lovely shoulders ♪

♪ That are so bare ♪

♪ Now if she looks at you ♪

♪ The way she looks at me ♪

♪ I'll tell you, brother,
it's plain to see ♪

♪ Why she's my doll ♪

♪ My honey baby ♪

♪ She's my doll ♪

(clapping)
(cheering)

I think it's appalling,
absolutely primitive.

(clapping)
(cheering)

(sombre instrumental music)

I didn't realize he was
actually going to sing

with the National Youth Orchestra.

- That was to surprise you.

I was let down and they agreed to step in,

but only when they knew it was Handel.

(Johnny singing in foreign language)

- Inspiring. Wonderful.

(cheering)
(clapping)

- You see, they can appreciate good music,

just as well as mine.

(Charles harrumphs)

- So it seems.

- And now, ladies and
gentlemen, my friends,

I would like, if I may,
to give you a toast.

To Mrs. Baring, Frances,
if I may call you that.

- Of course.
- And to her

Spolenski series.

- Hear, hear.
- To Mother.

- Cheers to that.

♪ She tilts her nose
when the playing bops ♪

- Oh, no!

- Oh, yes!

♪ When I sing cool, she hollers stop ♪

- It's very amusing.

- Do you mind if I join you?

Make it a little cozier, wouldn't it?

- Of course not, do.

- Henry's amalgamation idea wasn't so

wide of the mark, after all, was it?

- But despite this evening,

I'm afraid I still feel the same.

Unless, of course, Mr. Greenslade,

Henry, may I?
- Please.

- Perhaps you would care to have

a small financial interest in the series.

I don't think there'd be any objection,

would there, Charles?

- Did you say objection?

Carry on.

- Well, how do you feel about that?

- I'm delighted.

It depends how much, of course.

- Oh, let me see, 3,000 pounds?

- Will I be allowed some
say in the programme?

- Oh, no, please, please, don't bother.

It's just your money we want.

- Thank you.

- Thank you!

Oh, thank you very much, indeed.

Oh, Mr. Berg, Henry, please, excuse me.

As Johnny's business manager,

will you accept that on his behalf?

- Well, I will, indeed, thank you.

- I greatly appreciate his gesture,

but I really couldn't accept his gift.

- Oh, well, it really is a
beautiful night for me, isn't it?

(swinging instrumental music)

- Well, that's one thing we'll
never see you do, my dear.

- No, indeed not.

- Oh, why not?

- Why not?

My dear Mrs. Baring, you
don't mean to tell me

that you actually dig that crazy rhythm?

- Well, I've never tried, but
I don't mind having a bash.

- (chuckles) Having a bash.

So you shall, my dear, so you shall.

(swinging instrumental music)

- And to think she drew
the line at amalgamation.

- (chuckles) And they said
the lady was a square.

(swinging instrumental music)

♪ Yes, the lady was a square ♪