All language subtitles for Parks.and.Recreation.S02E12.HDTV.2HD.en

- You are getting
a rare glimpse

At this exclusive,
government-only event.

Each December, one department
puts on a show

That spoofs what happened
in our town.

Prepare to laugh
your asnov!

Sid asnov is a former
city councilman.

Some of the jokes are
sort of inside.

Councilman dexhart,

You're involved in
yet another scandal?

That's crazier than
mayor gunderson's dog rufus.

- Yes, there is a new one,
and it's a doozy.

I don't want to go
into the details,

But let me just say that
it involves multiple women,

A love child, nurses,
rabbis, priests.

Well, I hope you can all
join me

At my fundraiser tonight.

I am being supported,
of course,

By the glitter factory
and 1-800-mattress.

Ha ha ha ha! Classic.

- âÂTª pawnee is a city
that ain't very pretty âÂTª

âÂTª and good government is
our goal âÂTª

- âÂTª we may not be big
and our mayor wears a wig âÂTª

âÂTª but at least the raccoon
infestation âÂTª

âÂTª is under control âÂTª

-
âÂTª it's the most wonderful time âÂTª

âÂTª in pawnee âÂTª

âÂTª âÂTª

- Lot 48 was once a horrible
and disgusting pit.

And now it's the site
of pawnee's winter wonderland.

This could not be more perfect
if I had planned it myself.

Which I did.
And it's awesome.

So let's talk schedge, guys.

The kids are gonna come
at 9:00 a.M. On Saturday,

And everyone's gonna do santa
for two hours.

So I would just
advise everyone

Before you get
in your costume

To go to the bathroom so we can
avoid what happened last year.

It was just farts.

- 6:00 p.M.,
caroling with the youth choir.

And I am proud to announce,
for the first time ever,

This year
our tree-lighting ceremony

Will be simulcast
on internet radio.

Thank you.

- That's a really big deal.
- It is. Thank you.

- Listening to that tree
lighting's gonna be dope!

- Okay, any questions,
direct them to me--dismissed.

- Hey, uh, there was
a message for you

On the work voicemail.

Councilman dexhart wants
to meet with you

At 9:00 p.M.--
The boardwalk lounge.

- Shut up.
- No.

- I'm not scared.
I got nothing to apologize for.

I could have been
a lot harder on him.

He got off easy.

And often.

Thank you.
I'll be here all week.

- You gotta tell me about him.
I don't know anything about him.

- Okay, he's 23,
he's kinda my boyfriend.

He's gay.

Last year we got drunk and
he took me to the ice capades,

And I didn't get him anything.

And he's gay?
- Yeah.

- Brokeback mountain dvd.

- No.
- Fellas love that.

No.

- Does he already have,
like, chaps?

Like, assless chaps?
- You know what, forget it.

- Okay, uh,
why are you asking me?

- Because, I don't know,
there's no one else to ask.

And at least you're
kind of young.

- All right,
I'll tell you what.

I'm gonna think about it.

Through the course of all day
I'm gonna mull it over.

It's all I'm gonna think about.
But you're in good hands.

I'm gonna come up with something
really, really good.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- All right.
- You got that?

Yeah. Thanks.

- Councilman dexhart,
I'm leslie knope.

- Thank you for meeting me.
- It's my pleasure.

I am assuming this is about
my performance

In the government follies
last night.

I'd just like to say that
I have nothing to apologize for.

Except for perhaps being
too incisive.

- I don't want you
to apologize.

I want to know who told you.

- Who told me?
- Mm-hmm.

- Nobody.
Nobody told me nuttin'!

What are we talking about?

Well, based on that skit,

I know you've heard about
the new scandal

That's about to break.

Who told you?

Was it the babysitter?

Was it the nurse
who delivered our love child?

- What?
- Oh, stop playing dumb.

You know damn well
what happened.

I got the babysitter pregnant.

Then, when she was
in the delivery room,

I had sex with not one

But four nurses
in a supply closet.

As well as a woman
whose husband

Was getting
a liver transplant.

Hmm.

Now, which one of them
told you?

Was it the liver lady?

- Well, I--no one--
I haven't--

I haven't heard any of this ever
in my whole life.

Oh.

- Believe me, I would have
remembered this.

- Okay. Well,
in that case,

Everything I just told you
was just a funny prank.

- Oh, hi.
How was your meeting?

It was fine.

Pretty straightforward.

Short meeting.
You know, he's a busy guy.

- Yes, very busy.
Look at this article.

No!

What the--

- The story of this story is
that it won't stop developing.

The mystery woman who met with
councilman dexhart last night

Appears to be a government
employee named leslie norp.

- Oh, my god.
Oh, god.

- According to unconfirmed
reports in the pawnee sun,

The two bent an elbow
at this local watering hole.

And although they left
separately,

No one knows where
they woke up together.

Perd hapley,
channel 4 news.

- All I did was write and
perform in one amazing skit.

- Leslie,
it's the pawnee sun.

It's a tabloid.

Nobody else has written
about it.

- Yeah, no one believes
that garbage.

Nobody even reads
that thing.

- Leslie, what?
Nice work, girl.

Oh, god.

How do I fight back?
Give me some options.

- Do you want me
to seduce perd hapley?

How would that help?

I don't know.

I just want to see
if I can do it.

- April, I appreciate that,
but I don't think it's something

Worth losing
your virginity over.

- Leslie, I don't know if
this is important or not,

But I have heard a lot of very,
very interesting chatter

Around the shoeshine stand
today.

Oh, my god, really?

What have you heard?
- A lot of things.

Uh, like,
"can you believe it?"

And "the parks lady
boned dexhart."

And "of course she did.
She's totally good to go."

And one guy was like,
"I wouldn't hit that."

And the other guy was like,
"me neither."

Then this third guy
was like, "I would."

So I don't know
if that's helpful at all.

- Well, keep your ear
to the ground.

Okay. I'll just--

- I'm not gonna let
these people intimidate me.

I'm gonna do my job.

I would be lying if I said
that I never thought

I would be involved
in an incident like this.

Except I always assumed that
I would be the politician,

And the man would be accused
of sleeping with me.

And that man would be
the vice president.

And I would be the president.

Okay, all right, well,
you look good.

You need to put
some tights on, though.

And I want you to make sure
you keep your neckline

Nice and high.

- Leslie knope?
Alexa softcastle, pawnee sun.

Can I ask you a few questions?

Don't say anything.

- I'm not afraid
to say anything, okay?

I have nothing to hide.

I've never even met councilman
dexhart before yesterday,

And that's all I want to say
about the matter.

- Some people are saying
this isn't the first time

That you've had sex
with a married councilman.

Who's saying that?

Some people.

Okay, this interview is over.

- Go home, lay low,
the truth will come out.

- I can't.
I have too much work to do.

This department is not gonna
deputy-direct itself.

I think we can manage.

Just give me your schedule
and we'll cover for you.

Okay, I've made copies
of leslie's daily work schedule.

So we'll just split
into teams,

And each team will take...

Damn, ten items...
And we'll knock this out.

- I swear to you,
I never even met the guy

Before last night.

- It's okay.
I believe you.

- You do?
- Of course.

I think I know you
pretty well.

That doesn't sound
like you.

Thank you.

If I ever see that guy,

I'm gonna punch him
right in the face.

- Yeah, that's sweet.
Use your night stick.

Which meeting is this?

- The organization
of local auditing systems.

Kill me.

- All right,
first order of business...

Uh, leslie--
where's leslie?

- Um, I gave her the day off,
paul.

I thought that was best.
- Oh, yeah. That's good.

So you'll be making
the presentation then, ron.

Yep. Yes.

Hey, so, uh...

That kind of brings us to what
I wanted to talk to you about.

I, uh--

You know, my--

Army reserve unit---

We got called up
to active duty.

I ship out in four days.

- Oh, my god.
Where are you going?

San diego.

Oh, my god!

It's not dangerous.

It's mostly maintenance.

But I'm going for,
like, a year.

Maybe 18 months.

And I was kind of hoping
that maybe

You'd want to come with--
with me.

Like on a permanent-type
basis.

I don't know, it's--

It's kind of a weird question.

I mean, I joined
to put myself through college,

And, uh, it's, you know,
I'm just a desk jockey,

But it's--
it's rewarding.

So yeah, I guess I'm in love
with the army.

Oh, leslie.
Well, yeah.

Yeah, that makes
a lot more sense.

Yeah, I'm definitely in love
with leslie.

It's--it's affirmative.

I--I know this seems
kind of fast,

But I feel like we--

I feel like we got
something here.

I do too.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

- Well, you don't have
to answer right away.

But you kinda do.
I mean, I need to know...Soon.

- Wow.
- Yeah.

Are you gonna go?

- This whole dexhart thing
is not making me feel

Very attached
to pawnee right now.

- San diego, jeez.
- Yeah.

You could learn how to surf.

I know how to surf.

I took lessons
when I was a kid.

I'm actually pretty good.
- I bet you are.

I would miss leslie
like crazy.

Aww...

- All right, sorted out that
payroll issue--this is done.

- "bring a case of beer
to sanitation." why?

- Let's skip that one.
They can buy their own beer.

I'm getting hungry.
Let's get something to eat.

Hey, have you figured out

What you're getting ann
for christmas?

- Oh, I got her a pretty great
computer bag.

- Yeah?
That's a terrible gift.

- No, no, tom,
she needs one.

She mentioned it to me
two months ago,

And I wrote it down.

That's what's called being
an amazing boyfriend.

- Have you seen ann?
You know how hot she is?

Men give women of that caliber
speed boats,

Private jets...
Not computer bags.

- Okay, what do you think
I should get her?

- Diamonds.
Can't go wrong with diamonds.

- Diamonds?

- There isn't a woman alive
who doesn't love diamonds.

Even the super-left-wing chicks

That saw blood diamond
and cried...

When they get a diamond,
they're, like,

"yeah, bitch, gimme more
of them blood diamonds!

Make 'em extra bloody."

Trust me.

- We are here looking
at a videotape.

This is back in April, 2005.

We see here we're looking
at councilman dexhart.

Leslie, you should see this.

- And he's now
about to shake hands

With leslie knope,
the alleged sex toy.

Oh, for cripes sake.

- Look at the way
she's smiling at him.

And then almost unconsciously

Touching her hands
to her hips.

See that? Right there.

It's like she's
sending him a message

That she's ready
for childbearing.

- Wow.
- In a 24-hour news cycle,

The tiniest story gets dissected
over and over again.

In 2004, a kid from pawnee
went to the olympics,

And it was reported on
for over a year.

He wasn't even competing
or anything.

He just was going, literally,
to watch the olympics.

- It was way too easy
to get this guy here.

- Councilman dexhart,
this has gone far enough.

I want you to hold
a press conference

And clear my name.

- Mmm, no, thanks.
- Why not?

What's in it for you?

- Well, to be honest,
being linked to leslie

Is a lot less damning
than the real story.

You're like a glass
of whole milk.

What are you, lutheran?
I love lutherans.

- Councilman, with all due
respect, get a grip.

If you don't hold
a press conference,

I'm gonna come forward
and tell the whole story.

It won't do you any good.

Take it from me, denying
only makes things worse.

Listen, I gotta go.

I'm expected at two different
maternity wards.

But before I go,
I'd be remiss if I didn't ask--

Should we?

Oh, my god!

- People already think
we did it.

You've got nothing to lose.

I'm very good.
- Get outta here!

All right, fine.

- Shoe shine.
Shoe shine.

Oh, hey.
- Hey.

- I've been thinking about
your gay boyfriend all day.

I have got
some awesome ideas.

Okay.

First idea:
Spray tan gift certificates.

Uh...No.

- Trip to germany.
Germany is awesome.

And expensive.

- Good call.
I didn't think of that.

- Okay, you know how
people say

That you should give gifts that
you would want to get yourself?

What would you want?

- Easy. Indianapolis colts
reggie wayne jersey--

Number 87, double-xl,
home blue,

Signed by reggie wayne right
after he catches a touchdown

To win the super bowl.

- Okay, never mind.
- No?

Hip-hop abs dance
fitness dvd.

- We just received
these exclusive photos.

We have pictures
of city councilman dexhart...

- Oh, my god!
I cannot believe it!

- The big issue now is
who is this mystery woman?

She and knope are standing
very close to each other.

And anytime you see
two women

Standing very close
to each other,

You immediately assume...
- No, no, don't say it.

Please don't say it.
- Lesbian.

- Oh, of course.
- What?

- It is a veritable storm
of information

Coming in to the studios
here today.

- Hi, this is leslie knope,
and I would like joan

To clear all of her guests
tomorrow

Because I'm coming on the show.

If you think that you can drag
me and my friend

Through the mud,
then you've got--

Yes, I'll hold.

- It's unbelievable.
- Hey.

What happened?

- Got a call from some panicky
morning joggers.

Apparently sanitation didn't
empty this dumpster,

To the raccoons' delight.

- I thought raccoons were
supposed to be nocturnal.

- Not in this town,
sweetheart.

In this town,
they're 24/7.

We can't have raccoons
for the christmas thing.

They'll hunt the kids
for sport.

Fess up, guys.
Who dropped the ball?

- Bring a case of beer
to sanitation.

Bring a case of--

Yeah, this one's
our fault, ron.

And we will take care
of this for you.

- Okay good, because I
have to run a public forum,

Supervise the maintenance crews,

And teach crafts
at the senior center.

Simuaneously.

- Joan, I just wanted
to say thank you

For letting me be
on your show.

I'm really happy that I have
the chance to clear my name.

- Sure. I see you brought
your girlfriend for support.

That's nice.
- What?

Oh, no, she's not--
- and in five, joan...

- She's a--we're--
- four, three...

You've got it wrong.

- Sex. Drugs, possibly.
Rock and roll?

We'll find out
on pawnee today's

Exclusive interview
with the woman

At the center of the dexhart
sex scandal, leslie knope.

Leslie, my first question
has to be

When did the affair start?

- Joan, I spoke with
councilman dexhart

For the first time
that night.

We met for about
15 minutes,

And then I went home alone,
and that's the whole story.

- Well, leslie,
we all saw the tape

From four years ago,

And you were flashing
some serious "do me" eyes.

That's just my opinion.

- I don't understand why
I'm on trial here.

You should be grilling
councilman dexhart.

- Oh, you know what,
that's a really good idea.

Uh, let's bring him out.
Councilman, come on out.

Hi, sweetie.

- Why didn't you tell me
he was gonna be here?

- I thought it'd be
more exciting.

You look great.

It's like I'm invisible.

Okay, my name is ron.

You don't need to know
my last name.

Whoever wants to talk,
go ahead,

And we'll be out of here
in a tight 15.

- I found a sandwich
in one of your parks,

And I want to know why
it didn't have mayonnaise.

What's so funny?
- Oh.

- Yeah, I don't think kids
should be allowed

On the playground equipment.

Okay, we've been over this.

If you're worried about
swine flu,

Use hand sanitizer--

- I'm not worried about
swine flu.

I already had the swine flu.

I'm worried about
the turtle flu!

- The turtle flu...
- Turtle flu.

Turtle flu.

- Joan, this whole
pawnee sun story

Is "gotcha journalism"
at its worst.

Honey, let's just keep
our private life

In the bedroom
where it belongs.

- We do not have
a private life.

Stop saying that we have
a private life.

The fact is we never
slept together.

And if we did,
you would have proof.

And we would have seen it
by now.

Councilman?

I can prove it.

She has a mole
on her right buttock.

- What?
That is a total lie.

You've never seen my butt.
What are you talking about?

He has never seen my butt.

-

- Well, I guess it's your word
against his.

I mean...
- That's right.

Fine.

Here, joan, why don't you look
for yourself?

Is this happening?

Wait...There's no mole.

There is no mole!

This exclusive story--

There is no mole
on miss knope!

- I can't believe
it's come to this.

This is utterly humiliating.

- Well, councilman,
care to make a comment

About no-mole-gate?

Yes.

I really didn't think
that miss knope would

Pull down her pants on tv.

But since she did,

I will admit that the rumors
of our affair

Are indeed false.

- Thank you.
- However...

I have no plans to resign.

- Oh, great.
Okay, councilman,

You know what,
you're a class act.

Thank you.

I thought you did great.

When you get all feisty
like that,

It gets my heart racing.

Like I'm on a stairmaster.

Except more like
in a sexual...Context.

- I can't go to san diego
with you.

My life is here.
My friends, my career.

- I guess I just thought,
with everything that happened,

You'd want a fresh start.

- I know, I--
I really care about you, dave.

I just--

I love this town.

I'm sorry.

You want your ticket back?

- No. You know what,
keep it.

You may want to
come visit me, right?

There's a $75 change fee,

But I could pay you that,
or I could reimburse you.

There's a lot of ways
we could handle that.

Oh, ho, that's, uh...

Hey. Sorry I'm late.

Hey!

- Oh, honey,
I'm so proud of you.

That took guts,
mooning joan callamezzo.

Aww, honey...
- Thanks, mom.

Oh, my god, is something wrong
with the tree?

No, nothing wrong.

- But it's almost 9:00.
It should have been lighted up

An hour ago.

We waited for you.

Okay, everybody,
countin' down!

-
five, four, three, two,

One.

- âÂTª joy to the world
the lord is come âÂTª

âÂTª let earth receive
her king âÂTª

âÂTª let every heart... âÂTª

- It's gotten a lot harder
to work in government.

You think winston churchill
ever had to pull his pants down

And show his butt?

No.
But would he have?

Yes.

Now, could he have?

Maybe not towards
the end of his life,

But he would have.

Because he loved his job.

- Ho ho!
Reggie wayne!

Dude!

You remembered me complaining
about my computer bag.

- Do you like it?
- Yeah, it's perfect.

It's way better than the gift
that I got you.

- Oh...
- They're not even good seats.

Achh!
- This is awesome.

It's not awesome.

- I actually got you
a second gift.

You don't have to come
to this game with me.

You don't have to.

- That's the nicest gift...
- Is that good? Is that good?

- Anybody's ever gotten me
in my life.

Oh, thank god.

There's a bunch of messages
waiting for you

About a bunch of things
I don't understand.

-

- Hi, this is leslie knope
in the parks department.