All language subtitles for Parks.and.Recreation.S02E02.HDTV.en

I just want to check

one last time that you're okay
about this date with Mark.

I am so fine with it,
Ann, seriously.

It's so fine.

As long as you and I are cool.

You know my code.

Hos before bros.

- Uteruses before duderuses.
- Got it.

Ovaries before brovaries.

- You make such good coffee.
- Look,

I know you're saying you're okay
but I've been in this position before.

And I had a friend who dated an ex,

and I said I was okay,
but I wasn't actually.

- It was kind of weird.
- The thing is, Mark isn't my ex.

We slept together six years ago.

Anyway, I'm over it.
Or am I? I'm just kidding.

This is one
of my greatest brainstorms ever.

A community garden.
Right in the middle of the pit.

We're encouraging people to come out
and plant whatever they want.

And Tom and I sometimes
get here early and help out.

It's so hot.
I had to get some more iced tea.

People have just really embraced this
and planted the coolest stuff.

And Tom is our master horticulturist.
He knows all the scientific names.

Right, Tom?

- Like this. What's this?
- Those are, of course, tomatoes.

Or souljaboy tellems.

Whenever Leslie asks me
for the Latin names of our plants,

I just give her
the names of rappers.

- And those over there?
- Those are some diddies.

There's some bonethugs
and harmoniums right here.

- Growing beautifully.
- Those ludacrises are coming in great.

Look. Someone planted something new.

What's this?

What do you think?
Carrots?

If that's true,
we have a garden pest on our hands.

Some kind of spice?

You know, the best way to figure out

what kind of spice that is,
is roll it up into a joint and smoke it.

- La Fabrique -

- Feygnasse Team -

Synchro: Albator1932, lestat78, mpm

Episode 202
The Stakeout

- Ron, did you get my text?

Did you get my emails?

Did you see that I paged you?

I did not.

Did you check your voicemail?

I didn't.

We have a criminal emergency
on our hands.

Someone planted a gateway drug
in the community garden.

- Call the cops.
- That'll leak to the press.

Then there'll be an investigation.
And they'll find my fingerprints.

- And then we'll lose our funding.
- You don't have.

And we never will if this gets out.

Look, I will call the cops,

but give me one day to deal
with this internally, okay?

- Sure.
- Thank you.

And listen, if this thing blows up,

I was never here.

I have a hernia.

I've had it for a while.

And I've been ignoring it...

successfully, but this morning,

I made the mistake of sneezing.

But as long as I sit still

and don't move my head

or torso,

I'm good, I got this.

We need to find out
who we're dealing with.

Who is this kingpin?

It's a 13-year-old kid named Stevie

who likes to get high
and make his transformers

look like they're having sex.

I would like to be president some day,
so, no, I have not smoked marijuana.

I ate a brownie once.

At a party in college.

It was intense.

It was kind of indescribable,
actually.

I felt like I was floating.

Turns out there wasn't any pot in it.

It was just
an insanely good brownie.

You know, if we catch him,

then we avoid a scandal.
'cause we flip the headline.

And it's not "community garden
infested with pot",

it's "brave public servants

"rid neighborhood of drugs,

"earn praise from mayor,
comma, everyone."

We gotta catch this guy.

Get the van, meet me at 7:00.

It's stakeout time.

Get my lunch for me, please.

Okay, like order you something?

No, get it...

from there.

Is this some kind
of weird power trip?

Please.

Thank you.
That'll be all.

You're welcome.

I have stakeout supplies. This is stuff
that we're probably gonna need.

We have notepads,

pencils, and pencil case.

Shakable whipped cream.

Cameras.

Gorp.

And...

candy necklaces.

It's like we're real police.

And I made us a mix cd.

It's all filled with songs
about people watching people.

It's mostly Sting.

- I put our faces on there.
- It's really cool.

- Are you gonna wear
that shirt?

Yeah. You like it?

Tommy Hilfiger?

No, Tom Haverford.
I spent 120 bucks to get it monogrammed.

Everyone thinks it's Hilfiger.

You should be wearing
something like this. Take this.

Wear black.
Black is what you wear in a stakeout.

I have to figure out how this works.

- Just let me focus up on this.
- Pretty bummed this fits.

Okay, now we just need
to take a test shot

- and see how this goes.
- Take a test shot. Ready?

- Focus up on the pit. All right.
- Stop.

- Focus up right where the...
- Stop.

Focus up right where the weed...

Stop.
Stop.

Leslie swears it's okay.

So I'm going out with Mark.

I got to get back out there.

When Andy and I used
to go to the movies,

he would always try to guess
the ending of the movie.

And he would always guess

that the main character
had been dead the whole time.

Even when we saw Ratatouille.

Look, it's Mark.

What are you doing?

What? I'm just checking
to make sure this lens works.

Good.

Are you ready?

Oh, no, I need another hour
to get ready.

Seriously? 'Cause I think
the movie starts in like...

You're joking around right now.

This is gonna be fun.

You know, with a body like this,

you don't get the brains too.

That was silly.

Are they dating now?

Brendanawicz is the man.

This is Brendanawicz's life:
hot chick from the newspaper,

hot chick from the post office,
hot chick from the hospital.

Her name's Ann.
You know her name. Her name's Ann.

I'm just saying,
nobody turns him down.

I did.

Yeah, I did.

We were drunk,
and he tried to kiss me,

and I said, "nuh-uh,
no, sir, Mark Brendanawicz.

'I don't need your business here."

Get down!

Working late?

Shovel guitar

Shovel guitar

Somebody wants to play shovel guitar

Leslie's been playing shovel guitar
for about an hour now.

Bucket drum

Bucket drum

- You're not from here, right?
- No, I'm from South Carolina.

But you moved
to South Carolina from where?

- My mother's uterus.
- But you were conceived in Libya?

I was conceived in America.
My parents are Indian.

Where did the name Haverford
come from?

My birth name is...

Darwish Zubair Ismail Gani.

Then I changed it to Tom Haverford

because, you know, brown guys
with funny-sounding Muslim names

don't make it really far
in politics.

- What about Barack Obama?
- Yeah, fine, Barack Obama.

If I knew a dude named Barack Obama
was gonna be elected president,

- Maybe I wouldn't have changed it.
- Did you hear?

It's the kingpin.

Write this down.

White male, light brown hair.

Just take pictures.

Oh, my God.
It looks like Andy.

That is Andy.

That is Andy.

Andy is the kingpin.

Andy, come here.

Oh, hey, you guys.

What are you doing here?
It's so good to see you.

- Quietly.
- What happened?

- You're living in the pit now?
- For now, yeah. It's awesome.

Somebody planted a garden down there
with fruits and vegetables,

- so I'm getting a lot of vitamins.
- That's our community garden.

Yeah, and someone planted
a whole mess of weed

next to the tomatoes.

Don't look at me.
There's weed down there?

I thought that was of carrots.

Right, I know. Listen,
we're on a stakeout, okay?

Why don't you come helping us?

To catch the guy.
You could tell us what you've seen.

I'm supposed to have a rock fight
with this crazy guy.

He's like 20 minutes late.
All right. Let's do it.

Do you live here?

Yeah, do you live here?

Catch.

Yeah, I thought so.

I went home,
but I had this strange feeling

that there was something wrong,
so I came back.

It's just a minor medical issue.

Aids?

No, I'm safe.

Blindness?

Is it like a parasite or a virus
or something you get from a bee?

I have a hernia.

- Do you have syphilis?
- I said it's a hernia.

I know.

It's possible to have two things.

Do you need a ride to the hospital?

Yes, please.

But I rode my bike, so I have to go home
and get my dad's station wagon.

Thank you.

- You still here?
- I wanted to see if you could tell.

Are you still here?

It is really great
to have somebody to talk to.

Man, oh, man.

So how's Ann?
She's doing good?

I miss her so much, it's ridiculous.

- How's she doing?
- Doing good tonight. She's out on a...

Ann is great.

And I bet she really misses you.

I'm gonna need more
if I'm gonna stay up.

- Is that candy?
- It's a necklace made out of candy.

- Want one?
- Oh, all right.

Great. All I've had
is fruits and vegetables...

for weeks now.

Oh, my God.

You know there's a string in there.

Not in this one.

Instant sugar high.
Sugar high. Sugar hit high.

Sugar high. High.

Are you okay?

Sugar slam.

Maybe we should get you
something more substantial.

I'm in.

Bring me back two cheeseburgers
and a green tea.

Come on.
You got to be kidding me.

So that was fun.

Yeah, it really was.

- Surprisingly fun.
- You know what,

I have been a perfect gentleman
this evening.

In fact, watch this.

I would like you to now please
invite me in for a nightcap.

- Not a chance.
- No. Just watch...

watch what I'm gonna do.

Ask me in for a nightcap.

- Will you come in for a nightcap?
- Yes, I will.

No, no, damn.

Drats, I was gonna plan to not.

Wait.

Look.

That guy's trying
to break into that van.

It does look like
he's breaking into that van.

- 911.
- Hi, there.

So, do you like spy on Ann?

From the pit?

I just like being nearby.

That way if she wants me back,

I could be at her house in two seconds,
before she changes her mind.

I don't really know
how healthy that is.

You aren't even dating anymore.
She might be dating somebody else.

- Is she?
- What?

- Is she dating somebody else?
- What?

- She's dating somebody else?
- I didn't say that.

- Who is she dating?
- Nobody. Mark.

It's cool.

My God!

641 to base *style.
I'm at the vehicle now.

How are you doing tonight?

I'm all right, officer.
How are you?

I'm responding to a 911 call

about a suspicious person
breaking into a van.

I need you to step out
and show me some i.d.

It's okay, my name's Tom Haverford.
I work for the Parks Department.

I got locked out of the van.
I had to jimmy my way back in.

Why don't you jimmy your way out
and show me some I.d.?

I just told you my i.d.,
so what's the crime here?

Parking while Indian?

There's no stereotypes
about Indians sitting in vehicles.

All right, fine.

Here's my I.d.

Nice job, Paul Blart.

Why don't you head back to the mall,
make sure nobody's breaking into locker?

I'm very close to placing you
under arrest for disorderly conduct.

- Step out of the van.
- I'll step out of your mama's van.

I didn't do anything!
I'm a city employee.

- Come on!
- Calm down.

Motion sensors.

My God.

Excuse me.
What are you doing?

What happened to the guy
that was in that van?

Cops took him.

What?

- My God.
- Ann and Mark!

It's Ann and Mark.

We caught a criminal.
Do you know about this?

He was breaking into this van,

and they dragged him away.

It was crazy.

Right here.

What are you doing here?

If you could stop writing for a second
and focus here, 'cause...

Ma'am.

As I've already told you ,
this is a police matter.

It doesn't seem
to matter to the police.

- Nice job with that, but listen...
- Let me ask you a question.

Is it the policy
of the Pawnee Police Department

to arrest people
when they get into their own van?

That's not what happened.

Could you please go home,

get some sleep
and let this matter be resolved?

Let's just go home.

Let's go home.

- No!
- Let's just go home.

Easy.

- Come with me.
- I'd like to come with you.

Your friend, he acted like an ass.

And he didn't give me a choice.

Your name's Dave?
Can I call you Dave?

My mother likes David,
but I'm pretty split on...

I hate to break it to you.

You really stepped in it.

What?

I'm a government employee,
and so is your prisoner.

If I wanted to,
I could get on the horn,

and I could have
Ron Swanson down here.

Kicking down your doors.

That's right, you heard me.

What branch of government
are you in?

Parks and Recreation.

Do I stutter?

It wasn't just his behavior.

I think your friend
might be a pervert.

That's what people think
when they first meet him

- but he's all talk.
- I'm being serious.

We searched the van,
and we found a lot of disturbing things.

Some professional
photography equipment,

and these pictures
of some people on a date.

We also found
an enormous amount of manure,

and a very inappropriate
amount of candy.

Tom and I were in that van together.

We were staking out
the community garden

because somebody
planted marijuana in it.

I brought the candy, a lot of it

because I love it.

I took the pictures.

My best friend was going on a date
with my ex-lover.

It's been a very long night.

But Tom is not a pervert,
and he shouldn't be in jail.

Well, they're gonna release him.
In a little while.

Thank God.

Should I get you home right now?

You two go ahead.
I'm gonna stay here and wait for Tom.

- Are you sure?
- Yeah.

Prison changes a man.

I think he'll wanna see a familiar face
when he gets back on the outside.

Well, OK, then.
See you, Leslie.

Yo. I had to wait
till my dad fell asleep

so I could steal his keys.

You ready?

I was born ready.

I'm Ron ***** Swanson.

Easy. Care...

Careful!

Ann, I really don't think
you should invite me in.

Terrible things happened last time.

So I guess I'll just...

see you tomorrow.

Bye.

You kind of kissed me.

Yes, I did,
and now we both have herpes.

I'll see you later.

- Thanks for waiting. Appreciate it.
- Mother Teresa.

It's not your chocolate.
Don't... get your hands off that.

- Wake up.
- What?

Is this your house?
Where are we?

You're awake?

- Thanks for the coat.
- It's no problem, you can keep it.

Really?

Actually, no.
I need that for my uniform.

But I can give you a ride.

We'll talk about the coat.

- I can't give it to you. Understand?
- OK.

So where's that marijuana at?

It's down in the garden.

Good meeting you, man.
Should grab a drink some time.

I hope Ann and Mark got home okay.

That's all that matters.
That Ann is home, and she's okay.

And that Mark is also okay,
and he is in his home.

Just important that they're both
in their homes.

Mark's an idiot.

You could do a lot better than him.
Forget about him.

Thanks, Tom.

I didn't mean me.
Keep it in your pants, Knope.

I swear to God,
it actually... it was there.

These are...

carrots.

You don't think I know the difference
between carrots and marijuana?

Is that the house there
where your best friend lives?

Where she saw the van from?

I get it.

What?

You wanted to check up
on your friend

and that guy, your ex,

so you made up a story about weed
so you could stake out their date.

I did not.

- There actually was weed here.
- It's okay.

I think it's kind of cute.

I like Miss Knope.

I gotta say

when I first met her,
I didn't care much for her,

because, like 99% of the people
in any given day of my life,

she was very belligerent

and disagreeable.

Miss Knope was attractive to me
as a man.

I was attracted to her
in her demeanor.

I was attracted to her
in a sexual manner that was appropriate.

I don't want to talk
about this anymore.

What a crazy night.
Partner?

Want to go get some breakfast?

What? No.
Take me home.

What is wrong with you?

Oh, my God,
I can't believe this is on!

I wonder if mini golf is open.

Home!

Ann-danawicz,

what are you guys doing?
Eating? Love it.

Just wanted to thank you
for having me arrested

as a pervert the other night.
That was cool.

Peace.

We didn't think you were a pervert.
We thought you were a criminal.

For the record, I still actually
kind of think he's a pervert.