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Due to the global pandemic, residents have been
given strict orders of how they can and cannot
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interact. We have been tasked to enforce those
orders and let's just say it's been interesting...
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[Alex] I swear every time I think the world
can't get dumber, someone's like hold my keg.
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[Intro music]
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[Randall] Well good folks, I don't mean
to interrupt but due to the pandemic...
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[Theo] Oh my god. I'm so sorry
we weren't even thinking!
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[Randall] It's okay. As long as you
keep your distance and wear your mask
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it's fine. But thank you for... What is that?
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[Theo] It's just some essential
oils Wolf's Bane, Witch Hazel,
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Phosphorus or as it's also known... "The Cure"
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[Alex] Ugh, I can smell it...
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[Randall] (Disgusted) I can taste it...
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[Alex] If one of you cold brown'd I swear to God!
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[Carrie] Oh, you must be talking
about our homemade antibiotics.
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Yeah; coconut oil; durian paste, arnica...
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[Randall] So you guys did all of this to
make sure people stay 10 feet away from you?
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[Carrie] Oh so you're one of those?
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[Alex] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! I hope
you're referring to people with functioning noses!
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[Theo] Whoa, whoa, whoa,The medical
industry is a 20 trillion dollar business!
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[Alex] ehh...That's just obviously not true.
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[Alex] Do you taste that?
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[Randall] I do. Taste it.
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[Carrie] Insurance companies push drugs on us to
make money off of us when nature has every cure we
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need for free! You know we haven't followed
one rule and haven't had one infection yet.
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[Randall Really!
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[Carrie] Aside from Celeste, Dawn,
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Harmony, Karma... But it's their own fault they
were using Opal crystals over Obsidian ugh!
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[Randall] Look i don't care if you
use Opal crystals, Obsidian crystals
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or crystal-light crystals! Look! Just wear
your mask okay? Here. Okay. Make sure you
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recycle them. You can just spray your little
crystal stuff inside. But wear your mask!
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[Theo] Are these compostable?
Uhh where do we throw these away?
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[Carrie] I don't know
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[Alex] Put them on or I'll put you on!
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[Theo] me off? Put me on? Ah, is he
hitting on us? What's up? Hey! We swing!
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[Alex] Don't ask!
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[Theo] Thursdays!
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[Alex] I'm telling you past
Caitlyn Jenner in the 70's...
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[Dankbank] Hey! What's up my ninjas?
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[Alex] Okay, if he's got a
mask on nothing makes sense.
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[Dankbank] How are my two favorite
security guards doing today? Hey,
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actually I'm about to get on live real
quick if you guys want to hop on with me?
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I really want to get out there the message
of why it's important to wear your mask.
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[Alex] Oh hell yeah, that'd be awesome.
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[Randall] No, no. I.. I don't I don't
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know I don't get on live. I've
never been on live before, right.
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[Alex] What are you talking about?
We got cameras all the time!
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[Randall I know, but that's different. I
don't like... what do I do? With my hands?
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[Alex] Just put them right on your belt...
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[Dankbank] What's good Dank squad? I
just wanted to hop on the live real quick
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to remind you guys that this pandemic is
serious okay? So if you're going outside
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you need to wear your mask! All right?
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Just because it doesn't affect you
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doesn't mean it doesn't affect the people around
you right? You got to think of your parents,
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your grandparents, okay? It's not
just about you. It's about all of us.
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[Randall] That's right.
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[Dankbank] You guys got
anything else you want to add?
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[Alex] Uh, no not really. Just listen
to Dankbank man. That's the homie!
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[Randall] I'm randall.
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[Alex] What did you say?
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[Dankbank] Hey, think about your
first responders okay? These guys
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put their lives on the line for our freedom!
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[Alex] Well, not really...
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[Dankbank] Hm I appreciate what you do man
okay. I'll never kneel for that flag! Black
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Lives Matter! Hashtag me too! Grab
her by the [__]! Go vegan y'all!
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[Awkward silence]
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[Randall] Trust..trust... that, thank
you thank you Dankbank. That's. That
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was really helpful and I'm sure that's
gonna tell a lot of people what to do...
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[Alex] Went a little off the rails at the
end... But that was dope man thank you.
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[Dankbank] Oh no, I got you. Hey, yo this
is gonna get me some major action bro!
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Dankbank bout to get all up
in that poontank! Thank you!
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[Alex] What the hell are you doing?
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[Dankbank] Bro! The algorithm eats this mask [__
] up. You already know I had to get me a piece!
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[Alex] Okay, so that's why your causes sounded
like you were having a hashtag stroke? Got it
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[Dankbank] Bro! I can't put a mask
over this pretty ass face! I'm trying
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to be like Future! You know what I'm saying?
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[Alex] I get it. Mask Off.
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[Randall] Who's Future?
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[Alex] That's good
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[Dankbank]. Nah! I'm trying to [__] Ciara!
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[Alex] Okay, I feel that with that.
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[Dankbank] Uh.. yeah
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[Alex] Yeah I..
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[Bump Elbows]
[Dankbank]I like that I like that!
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[Randall] You know what
Dankbank? I think you're right.
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[Alex] Randall, No, no, no.
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[Randall] I think these masks
are... um lame um yeah you
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know what I'm saying. I'm gonna,
I'm gonna follow your lead okay.
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And I'm gonna make sure
everybody knows that Dankbank
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influenced me! Because you're cool. I
wanna be cool. Let's be cool. Dankbaaank!
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[Dankbank] Yo if this nerd isn't wearing
a mask. Then that's not dank anymore.
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[clears throat]
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Gotta stay ahead of the algorithm.
You know what I'm saying?
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[Randall] Good.
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[Alex] That really does cover your whole face huh?
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[Randall] It does.
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[Alex] Ugly people came up.
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[Randall] Nice work.
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[Alex] Rules are rules.
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You better put this back on.
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[Randall] Mask on!
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[Alex] See future is a rapper...
[Randall] Ah
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Mr. Stevens... Look at you. Now, you know
you're required to wear a mask right?
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[Mr. Stevens] And are you two [__] still
aware this is the U.S. of [__] - A!?
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[Alex] Well it's the state government
that mandated the mask requirement so...
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[Mr. Stevens] Man so... You guys can't mandate [
__]! The U.S. Constitution! You ever heard of it?
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My grandfather didn't fight in Korea for this!
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[Randall] We thank your
grandfather for his services...
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[Mr. Stevens] No he wasn't in the
military. He was a taxi driver
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and a cage fighter. And people respected
him all over Korea whether it was in the
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cage or whether he's dropping
somebody off at the airport.
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And I'll have you know when he left Korea
everyone in the peninsula knew his name
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as Gingyang son mcgigan. Which
means "the masked American".
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[Alex] Your grandfather was literally
known as the masked American?
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[Mr. Stevens] Yes. But it's not what
you think. It's not that Nacho Libre
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[__]! He was wearing a mask because
there was like a... flu back then yeah...
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[Alex] You don't see the irony in this?
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[Mr. Stevens] No?
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[Alex] I'm not the only one hearing this right?
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[Randall] You're getting a
little bit off subject here.
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[Mr. Stevens] What subject?
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The subject about your mask being a
Liberal plot to overthrow the government?
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I'm not believing in that fake news.
Never in the history of my great nation
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has a bigger hoax been pulled
on the people of our country!
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[Alex] You've got Watergate uh Iran-Contra...
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[Randall] Slavery...
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[Alex] Lack of rights for gay
people and lesbian people...
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00:07:02,388 --> 00:07:03,326
[Randall] Jim Crow, Three strike law...
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00:07:03,327 --> 00:07:04,169
[Alex] Uh Tulsa... I got like 50...
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00:07:04,169 --> 00:07:07,403
[Mr. Stevens] Okay! Enough! This is
harassment. AndII'm not okay with
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00:07:07,403 --> 00:07:10,603
it. And I'm not gonna be bullied
by the likes of you two [__]!
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[Randall] Okay, you can be not okay with it
all you want. But just be not okay with it
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behind a mask! Thank you.Put it on!
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[Alex] Punk ass Popeye.
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[phone ringing]
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[Randall]
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Hello? This is Randall with security.
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[Mr. Stevens] Yes. This is Mr Stevens. There's
a black guy that's harassing me with his partner
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for no reason. I was wearing my mask and
they started yelling at me. Probably because
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I love my country... And uh he's looking
at me menacingly right now. Send help fast!
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[confesional]
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[Alex] Just wear the mask people! Is that so
much to ask? Everybody in this town is just
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a... a medical professional all of a sudden? You
know somebody at the CDC? No you don't! You don't!
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00:08:01,243 --> 00:08:11,883
[Randall] Maybe I should get Mr. Keene?
144
00:08:11,883 --> 00:08:12,273
[Both] Laughter
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00:08:12,273 --> 00:08:13,493
[Alex] Oh.. oh god you actually almost had me.
146
00:08:13,493 --> 00:08:14,603
[Randall] Just trying to lighten the mood.
147
00:08:14,603 --> 00:08:17,483
[Alex] No, no I'll listen to Dr.
Pepper before I listen to him!
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00:08:17,483 --> 00:08:20,763
[Randall] Been a long day.
149
00:08:21,763 --> 00:08:26,009
[Carlton] Oh, oh my God... I'm supposed
to be wearing a mask aren't I?
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00:08:26,009 --> 00:08:27,003
[Randall] Yes you are sir.
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00:08:27,003 --> 00:08:30,443
[Carlton] Uh, I'm so sorry. I know the rules.
I know the rules. I figure you two have a lot
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00:08:30,443 --> 00:08:33,722
better things to do than babysit a bunch of
adults who can't even follow the rules, right?
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00:08:33,722 --> 00:08:34,079
[Randall] ha, ha, ha
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00:08:34,079 --> 00:08:35,163
[Alex] You would think...
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[Randall] Right, right
156
00:08:35,803 --> 00:08:38,123
[Carlton] Oh, man. This pandemic
has people acting crazy huh?
157
00:08:38,123 --> 00:08:38,563
[Randall] Yeah.
158
00:08:38,563 --> 00:08:40,602
[Carlton] Yeah. It's like nobody
can follow directions anymore.
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00:08:40,602 --> 00:08:41,323
[Randall] Yeah...
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00:08:41,323 --> 00:08:41,894
[Alex] You tell 'em man!
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[Clayton] Well allow me to
be the first to apologize
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for the species. Let me... Oh here's my mask
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[Randall] Thank you for cooperating.
You are doing [Alex] Put on a mask...
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[Carlton] No problem
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[Randall] Um...
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[Alex] That is not a mask.
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00:08:54,114 --> 00:08:54,297
[Awkward silence]
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[Carlton] What is... What's the matter? You
boys never seen a man wear a mask before?
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00:08:57,643 --> 00:09:03,403
[Randall] That's not it, it's just that
you know... Your underwear has holes in it
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00:09:03,403 --> 00:09:08,963
[Carlton] Oh does that bother you? Does
that hurt your prude American sexuality?
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00:09:08,963 --> 00:09:12,523
[Alex] Dude it's been a long
day okay! Can you please just
172
00:09:12,523 --> 00:09:14,843
use one of our masks we've got
like 50. Will you give me one.
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00:09:14,843 --> 00:09:18,523
[Carlton] Well, what are you gonna do if i
don't huh? You gonna pin me down and arrest me?
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00:09:18,523 --> 00:09:18,923
[Alex] No?
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00:09:18,923 --> 00:09:22,283
[Carlton] Yeah? Hold me
down, have your way with me?
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00:09:22,283 --> 00:09:25,563
You'd like that huh? You tall chocolate
frosty how about you vanilla? You want
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00:09:25,563 --> 00:09:28,603
to break me like a Mcdonald's ice cream
machine? uhh, why is it always broken?
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00:09:28,603 --> 00:09:29,723
[Randall] What?
179
00:09:29,723 --> 00:09:32,763
[Alex] Look sir this is your
last warning! Okay? You need
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00:09:32,763 --> 00:09:35,083
to use an approved method to cover your face.
181
00:09:35,083 --> 00:09:36,671
[Carlton] Oh I'll cover my face alright!
182
00:09:36,671 --> 00:09:39,163
[loud noise]
[Alex] Oh Jesus! That is assault!
183
00:09:39,163 --> 00:09:41,483
[Randall] Sir, sir sir. N,o no uh-huh... Okay?
184
00:09:41,483 --> 00:09:44,203
[Alex] Don't do that. Come on! What,
what the hell are you doing man?
185
00:09:45,043 --> 00:09:46,683
[Carlton] Ah yeah...
186
00:09:46,683 --> 00:09:48,443
[Alex] What the hell are you doing?
187
00:09:48,443 --> 00:09:51,003
[Carlton] Oh yeah! Is this what you want?
188
00:09:51,003 --> 00:09:51,483
[Alex] No!
189
00:09:51,483 --> 00:09:52,843
[Carlton] Yeah! Yeah!
190
00:09:52,843 --> 00:09:54,043
[Randall] Sir, you're gonna hurt yourself.
191
00:09:54,043 --> 00:09:56,843
[Carlton] Oh you would have hurt
me yourself huh? Come on you boys...
192
00:09:57,403 --> 00:10:05,501
Bring me your chocolate ice cream swirls uh...
[Thuds to the ground]
193
00:10:05,501 --> 00:10:06,683
[Randall] Is he okay?
194
00:10:06,683 --> 00:10:09,323
[Alex] Who cares? Wanna get some ice cream?
195
00:10:09,323 --> 00:10:10,603
[Randall] Yeah.
196
00:10:13,083 --> 00:10:17,883
Put it on when you're up.
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00:10:17,883 --> 00:10:31,883
[Alex] He kind of sounds like that Hans guy...
198
00:10:31,933 --> 00:10:36,483
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