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[Alex] You dating, you got a girl or a guy?
[Randall] Hey, hey now that's inappropriate
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to be asking a colleague.
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[Alex] Come on man trying to build a partnership
tell me something.
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[Randall] Wel, l..
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I was.
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I was married once but it didn't work out
because of my my job; my career [Alex] This
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job what do you mean [Randall] Yes this job!
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This is my career all right.
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I love my job!
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And this you know...
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I couldn't balance you know my love for working
for the neighborhood and her.
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So I lost her [Alex] Well you just got to
get on some apps man, it's easy now [Randall]
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Oh no no no, I mean i tried it one time.
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I got on eharmony and craigslist it didn't
work out...
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[Alex] E-Harmony, Craigslist?
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Are you a serial killer?
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Are you trying to [__] a vacuum?
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[Randall] Look man I tried the app thing but
I just don't like it, it's weird [Alex] your
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hands are tired aren't they?
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[Randall] We have a classic cold k.o [Alex]
Stands for kKaren off.
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That's two suburban moms trying to out [__
] each other.
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[Randall] Relax, relax ladies.
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[Susan] You tell her that her stoner son needs
to stop parking in our driveway [Barbara]
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He's nowhere near your driveway you [__]! [Randall]
Okay, all right you know what to do [Both]
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All right ma'am your complaints are valid
and matter deeply to us.
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I'm going to file a report with my superior
But on this card there's an email in which
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you can send your complaint letter.
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*At same time* [Alex] Or whatever you wanna
do, I don't care.
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[Randall] Do it...
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Just send an email [Barbara] You know damn
well this is all because I took your place
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as president of the PTA; Susan! [Susan] I
take one vacation to Maui and you usurp me,
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you backstabbing [__]! [Alex] I've never
heard Karens cuss this much.
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[Randall] Don't you instigate.
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Don't you instigate.
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[Barbara] The bake sale that grows more under
me than it ever did under you, Susan! [Susan]
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Probably because your loser stoner son is
baking pot brownies Barbara.
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[Barbara] You, [__]! [Alex] & [Randall]
Whoah, whoah, whoah [Randall No,no, no,no
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*Comotion* [Alex] OW!
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No!
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God!
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She bit my titty, Randall.
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{Randall] Hey, hey.
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Alex!
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Go to the car and grab the automatic eucalyptus
spray!
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[Alex] Okay, okay, okay.
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[Randall] Now!
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Ladies, ladies, ladies, ladies.
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Just calm down.
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Come on why'd you bite his titty?
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Why'd you bite his nipples.
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[Zoe] Hey, Alex [Alex] Oh!
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God...
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Zoey, um..
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Uh... zoey...
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Hi, what's up?
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[Zoe] Nothing, uh going for some drinks with
some friends later.
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[Alex] That's what's up.
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[Randall] Alex!
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[Alex] Um [Randall] Hurry... hurry up hurry
up [Alex] Duty calls... not like poop...
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There's an altercation.
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God, you look good!
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All right, I got I got it I got it [Randall]
yes, yes, yes.
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Breathe in.
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Breathe in.
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All right ladies, calm down.
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Relax, you're respectable women.
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Respectable.
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Okay.
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How about y'all just do what ya'll do all
the time and write a letter!
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Let HRA handle this.
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Okay?
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[Susan] I will write a letter.
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Allow me to say though, Randall huh...
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You're quite the handsome strong level-headed
gentleman that I'm happy to have watching
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the neighborhood.
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I'm really sad that you had to touch that
traitorous cow.
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[Alex] Hey..]
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[Barbara] I'll get it to them way before you,
Susan!
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Also.
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I'd be remiss if I didn't agree with that
succubus, over there!
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And say that you're quite the dashing gentleman.
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Randall, I'd wash my hands after touching
her if I were you.
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[Randall] Okay, all right.
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Ladies, ladies let's just um go in our houses
okay and end this peacefully.
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Okay you go to your's.
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You go to your's.
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All right?
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Bye, bye.
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Thank you so much.
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Thank you, you guys are so great, you...
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WHERE were you?
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You're like dilly dallying, lollygagging with
you're kickily and cackling over there with
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your old friend, huh?
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[Alex] I was getting the bottle [Randall]
Getting the bottle?
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It took you that long?
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What's the number one rule?
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[Alex] Never let your partner handle angry
suburban moms alone[Randall] Let's say it
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together.
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[Both] Never let your partner handle angry
suburban MOMS [Alex] Alone...
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Yeah, I know.
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[Randall] You almost lost a nipple.
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[Alex] And you, almost had a threesome.
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[Randall] What?
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00:04:05,583 --> 00:04:08,542
[Alex] Did you hear the way they were talking
about you?
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They were into you.
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*mocking* "Oh my god, Randall" "Oh my
god, Randall you're so handsome and so dark"
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[Randall] Hey!
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Get in the car.
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You're do all the paperwork.
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[Alex] Nope!
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[Randall] I'm gonna write you up.
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I'ma write, I'm gonna write you up boy.
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*Confessional* [Randall] Little known fact,
eucalyptus spray will stop any middle-aged
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woman right away.
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[Randall] So after leaving me to fight off
Barbara and Susan by myself did you at least
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ask her out?
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[Alex] Oh dude, I can't.
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Keep embarrassing myself in front of her.
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I feel like such a loser with this job and
school...
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[Randall] What do you mean?
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I love this job...
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All right?
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I love my job and women love a man with a
career so.
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[Alex] Well for me this is just a job.
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I'll make you a deal though.
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I'll ask out Zoey, if you get back out there.
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Is that fair?
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It's a pretty easy deal.
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I know your hands are getting tired.
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[Randall] I don't use my hands, okay?
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[Alex] What do you use?
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[Hans] Oh hello Chuck e Cheese, I heard a
middle-aged woman bit you on the nipple [Alex]
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How would you even know that?
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That just happened.
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[Hans] I thought I told you, Alex.
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I [__] your mother!
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By the way I made her orgasm so many times
this week she ruined all my bed sheets.
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You send that [__] to Bed, Bath and Beyond.
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Have her replace my linens.
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[Alex] Dude stop bugging me!
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[Hans] Tell your girl Zoey to stop bugging
me.
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She heard how good I give it to your mother
now she wants it too!
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Oh yeah, she's slid into my dms Alex.
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She's thirsty Alex.
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I will quench that thirst [Randall] All right,
all right.
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How's it going Mr. Hans?
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[Hans] Oh, hello Randal.l I like you.
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You're a good looking man, by the way.
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You'd do well with the ladies.
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You should come with me to the discotheque.
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Unlike you, Alex.
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Three more years of looking like an ejected
abercrombie model then it's all downhill
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for you.
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[Alex] I will [__] you up.
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World War II style.
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[Hans] Think about it Randall.
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We do well.
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I have ecstasy.
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I see you later Abercrombie and [__]! Suck
me out.
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[Alex] I hate that eurotrash [__] so much.
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But even he wants you to get back out there.
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[Randall] I don't want to say it but, you
know, abercrombie and [__] is pretty funny.
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[Alex] it's not that funny.
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[Randall] it's pretty clever.
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The word play was kind of you know... well
[Alex] Well of you think that's so funny
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you can handle the next case on your own.
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HR wants me to go fill out some paperwork
about insurance.
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[Randall] Okay, don't take too long Abercrombie
and [__]. [Alex] I can still hear you rockaway!
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[Randall] Han's remarks were quite flattering.
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He seems to be quite the ladies man too.
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First it was alex's mom, now Zoey.
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Alex left me for the second time today and
of course I would have to go back to Dankbank's
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house.
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[knock] [Dankbank] Hey girl no don't move
cause next I'm taking a shot off your booty
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hole.
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Hey, what's up man?
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I'm so glad you're here.
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Look we need to get that half pipe fixed asap!
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[Randall] Okay, look you know me.
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All right?
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Okay I'm not here to fix anything.
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Neighborhood security.
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[Dankbank] Oh randy!
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What's up man?
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It's good to see you bro.
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Randall, it's it's Randall okay?
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You say half pipe?
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You're not zoned for that.
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[Dankbank] What no?
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I didn't say that man.
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I said, I said do you have that pipe with
your big dick?
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That's what i was talking about.
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[Randall] It's inappropriate.
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Listen, can you just keep the music down all
right?
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Your neighbors are complaining.
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I feel like I'm here every week.
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[Dankbank] Okay look man, look.
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I'm gonna keep it real with you.
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We didn't think anybody would show up when
we posted that flyer.
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Okay?
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But then people just started showing up.
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It's crazy man.
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It's like Project X in there.
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I lost control, but I promise you I'm gonna
kick everybody out as soon as I just get a
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little more footage.
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All right?
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[Randall] Whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah.
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Did I just hear an elephant inside of your
house?
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How did you get an elephant in your house?
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There's not even room in a driveway with...
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[Dankbank] No... no, okay look.
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Okay it sounds like an elephant...
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If there was an elephant per se in there,
we got the proper equipment to take it down
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if it starts wilding.
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But!
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That's only if we had.
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But we don't.
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*Elephant roar* [Randall] I'm telling you.
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You got to get together.
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I just hope you don't have any drugs or underage
kids in here...
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[Dankbank] Well not everybody in this party
is of age okay!
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[Connor] Dankbank!
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Bro! whose [__] baby is that dude.
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[Derek] BRANDON!
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That's my best friend man.
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[Randall] It's Randall okay and did he just
say a baby?
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There's a baby inside?
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00:08:18,783 --> 00:08:21,733
[Derek] No according to california law...
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I don't know what the [__] I'm talking about...[Randall]
He has a line of coke on his nose...
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[Derek] Hey this is not coke!
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I'm not a child!
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This is ketamine, I can see sounds..
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[Randall] Ketamine?
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Isn't that like for tranquilizers?
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[Confused] I don't wanna...
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[Dankbank] Well duh!
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How we supposed to take down the elephant?
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*Laughter* [Derek] HA!
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We almost got two of them!
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[Dankbank] No!
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Shut Up man!
243
00:08:44,723 --> 00:08:45,723
Hey don't listen to him he's drunk.
244
00:08:45,723 --> 00:08:46,723
[Randall] You know what?
245
00:08:46,723 --> 00:08:50,203
I'm gonna presume that you guys had a prescription
for ketamine.
246
00:08:50,203 --> 00:08:51,723
But I'm gonna have to report the baby.
247
00:08:51,723 --> 00:08:52,752
[Dankbank] What are you serious?
248
00:08:52,752 --> 00:08:58,703
[Randall] Yes [Dankbank] Man wait are you
serious or are you ketamine me right now?
249
00:08:58,703 --> 00:09:02,513
Hahaha Hey, let's laugh at my jokes.
250
00:09:02,513 --> 00:09:06,312
*All Laugh* [Randall] I'm calling it in!
251
00:09:06,312 --> 00:09:07,364
I'm calling it in!
252
00:09:07,364 --> 00:09:08,364
Getting on my nerves.
253
00:09:08,364 --> 00:09:09,364
[Dankbank] No man!
254
00:09:09,364 --> 00:09:10,364
Look I was just playing around bro.
255
00:09:10,364 --> 00:09:11,364
Don't shut me down man.
256
00:09:11,364 --> 00:09:14,252
[Randall] Man just make sure everybody's out
of here the next hour okay well I'm gonna
257
00:09:14,252 --> 00:09:19,913
report you to the hoa no all right no don't
make me requisition for bu that's a serious
258
00:09:19,913 --> 00:09:28,172
one that is the serious one randy when did
you get here no no we got this his name is
259
00:09:28,172 --> 00:09:32,612
his name is randall branson i got you I'm
sorry randy sorry randolph randall randall
260
00:09:32,612 --> 00:09:42,033
i will call it in it's random damn youtubers
these followers no respect followers and i
261
00:09:42,033 --> 00:09:47,393
just don't [__] with bugs for that reason
i understand the disgusting alex what's up
262
00:09:47,393 --> 00:09:52,153
man what's up you're supposed to be at hr
i thought it was an urgent matter yeah there
263
00:09:52,153 --> 00:09:56,112
was and then zoey asked me to walk it through
are you aware that you're not supposed to
264
00:09:56,112 --> 00:10:01,033
take off from patrol for non-work but what
I'm about to write you know alex come on man
265
00:10:01,033 --> 00:10:06,322
i wasn't even doing anything no no no i should
have known him knowing you was lazy getting
266
00:10:06,322 --> 00:10:15,752
excited about pistachios without shells don't
ask wait it's not his fault so i left my purse
267
00:10:15,752 --> 00:10:20,223
in the house and i didn't want to go back
in alone so i asked alex to escort me there's
268
00:10:20,223 --> 00:10:27,072
like an elephant in the backyard or something
yeah anyways so don't blame him blame me he
269
00:10:27,072 --> 00:10:29,562
was on his way back to you and i stopped him
i promise
270
00:10:29,562 --> 00:10:41,223
well i guess since you are saving a girl in
this dress I'll let it go this time oh thank
271
00:10:41,223 --> 00:10:50,692
you man i promise i was coming right back
can i stay on for a second randall affirmative
272
00:10:50,692 --> 00:10:52,942
what's going on
273
00:10:52,942 --> 00:10:58,572
so um I'm going out for drinks in the village
with some friends can i buy you a drink for
274
00:10:58,572 --> 00:11:02,023
helping me find my purse i would love that
275
00:11:02,023 --> 00:11:09,093
but i think i have to finish my shift and
probably handle some paperwork after that
276
00:11:09,093 --> 00:11:15,812
hey alex uh if you want to go i can handle
it we're almost done so are you serious yeah
277
00:11:15,812 --> 00:11:21,163
that's cool i got it you know randall i actually
have an older cousin that's about your age
278
00:11:21,163 --> 00:11:25,973
she might be perfect for you if you want to
join us later dude yes come with us no no
279
00:11:25,973 --> 00:11:32,903
no no that's fine it's friday i gotta you
know normally calibrate the decibel meters
280
00:11:32,903 --> 00:11:38,653
but thankfully offer can i catch up to you
in a second yeah bye randall miss zoe
281
00:11:38,653 --> 00:11:47,703
you said if i asked her out you would get
back out there so let's go well you didn't
282
00:11:47,703 --> 00:11:53,932
ask her out she wanted to reward you for doing
your job totally different okay but thank
283
00:11:53,932 --> 00:12:04,382
you for the invite maybe another time yeah
yeah another time also uh i just forgot i
284
00:12:04,382 --> 00:12:25,362
got this like disco thing later with uh what's
his name oh yo hans you [__] trainer
285
00:12:25,362 --> 00:12:28,972
you
286
00:12:29,305 --> 00:13:29,753
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