All language subtitles for Top Gear - S02E02.eng

On tonight's Top Gear,

Jamie Oliver's
meals on wheels...

Oh, my Lord!

A German
sledgehammer in a velvet bag,

and which is
the fastest political party?

Hello and welcome. We've got a
bit of a luxury theme going on tonight.

We've got a drinks globe
with some Tia Maria in it,

we've got
an onyx coffee table.

That is a sumptuous
Wall's Viennetta,

and appropriately enough, that
is the new Rolls-Royce Phantom.

Have you ever seen anything
quite so enormous?

I mean, look at this. This is
the wheel from our Suzuki Liana.

Now, compare it, if you will,
to the wheel of the Rolls-Royce.

And that is its engine!
A 6.7 litre V12.

The last time I was in anything
that had an engine that big,

it had a captain!

Everything about
this car is vast.

So to test it,

I took it to the home of that
other great automotive colossus.

John Prescott.

I went to Hull.

So, let's see. Is this car good
enough to wear the flying lady?

Or shall we keep her
hidden in shame?

This is nice. Instead of a rev
counter, I've got a power reserve dial.

I'm currently doing 60 miles
an hour and according to that,

I've got 90% of the engine's
power still in reserve,

just in case of emergencies.

That's good.

In the old Rolls-Royces, the ones
from the '60s and '70s, '80s even,

there was wind noise, there was
tyre noise, there was engine noise.

The only reason you could hear
the clock ticking at 100 miles an hour

is because the clock
was so damn loud!

But this is like a whisper
in the vestry.

It's a frugal car, too.

I drove it up to Yorkshire yesterday,
and got 18 miles to the gallon!

So it's quieter and more
economical than I was expecting.

And it's easier to drive.

I imagined that driving
this car through a village

would be a bit like trying to thread
an oil rig through someone's letter box.

But it's not that difficult, actually,
I mean, I know it's 14 miles long,

but it's actually quite narrow.
It's six inches narrower,

for instance, than a Range
Rover. So it's quite easy, relatively.

I'm not distracted
by toys, either.

In most luxury cars there are
thousands and thousands of buttons

which let you
tailor everything, "just so".

But let me show you the radio in this
as a prime example of what I'm on about.

There's one knob.

You push it and Terry Wogan
comes into the car.

Turn it and he gets louder.

And you push it again
and he goes away.

Then there's
the gear arrangement.

Tiptronic? I don't think so.

I've got backwards, neutral
and forwards. And that's it.

It seems this car represents an
old-fashioned approach to luxury motoring.

And I rather like that.

Normally, I must be honest,

I don't find the doors on a
car particularly interesting.

Unless...

...it doesn't have any.

But, look at this.

Not only does this
open backwards,

but in here we find...

An umbrella.

Rolls-Royce is making
a big deal about this.

And I'm not entirely certain why,
because you get exactly the same thing

on a Skoda Superb.

It's the only thing
that's "superb" about it.

Inside I simply push this
button here to close the door

because obviously I can't
be bothered to do it myself

and then I'm cocooned in
this world of elegant simplicity.

I love this leather work here
and the aluminium.

Look at this Art Deco
light in here

and in the door handles,
and in the roof.

That is fabulous.

Then you've got the thick
carpets, and these picnic tables.

You might think that the back
is the best place to be.

Calming, nice.

But actually, the Rolls is
amazingly good fun to drive.

Nought to 60 in 5.7 seconds
and a top speed of 150.

That's fast by
anyone's standards,

especially as the wheels
don't appear to be going round.

And it's not just good
in a straight line, either.

Don't misunderstand me.
It's pretty far from sporty.

But it's not
a hovercraft, either.

I didn't want
to like this car.

I wanted to say it was too
big, too German, too vulgar.

But it's completely
won me over.

Ever since it began,
Rolls-Royce has been saying

that it makes the best car
in the world.

Now,

for 80 years that hasn't
really been the case.

It is now, though!

Once again, the Spirit
of Ecstasy is just that.

And here we are,
at journey's end.

The real reason
for coming to Hull,

the Humber Bridge.

For 17 years, the longest
suspension bridge in the world.

The towers are one-and-a-half
inches further apart at the top

than they are at the bottom,

thanks to the curvature
of the earth.

There's enough steel in the cabling
here to go round the world twice.

And it's British steel,
British designed,

British-engineered and
British-built with British money.

We have the talent in this
country to make stuff like this.

So, why can't we do it today?

The design
of this car is British.

The chief engineer
who worked on it is British.

But the engine
comes in a box from Germany.

So does the gearbox,
so do the brakes,

so does the suspension,
so does the body.

Even the leather on the seats
comes from a flock of cows in Bavaria.

All we do in this country is,

put all the bits together and
nail the dashboard in place.

It's pathetic.

This is a great car.
An awesome car.

A bit showy, perhaps,
and hard to park, but mostly,

a majestic, inspiring,
serene and glorious blend

of style and engineering.

I just wish it was like
the Humber Bridge.

I wish it was something
we could be proud of.

Well, thanks, Jeremy! You've made
me feel really good about being British...

- And stupid.
- And useless.

I know, I'm sorry about that.

The thing is,
the British and the Germans

together can actually do
some pretty good stuff, I think.

What about the new Mini?

- Yeah.
- What about the new Range Rover?

And this.

You're absolutely right!
You are right, actually.

Germans, left to their own
devices, I mean, they're useless.

They'll be in a pair of leather shorts,
off down with some oompah music

to design a Mercedes Maybach.

Now that's... Yeah,
Maybach's a good case in point.

It costs the same as this,
£250,000.

It's about
the same size as this,

but all that is,
is a stretched Mercedes.

And they've, sort of, shoved a
branch of Dixons into the front

and then fitted some sort of DFS
leatherette reclining sofas in the back.

This is the only true
luxury car in the world.

- And I can explain why. Come and have a look at this.
- Mmm.

Now, they could've taken a big BMW
and stuffed it full of kit, as you said.

But they went to this and they
thought, "What is luxury really about?"

It's not about gadgets and
shag pile everywhere, is it?

It's about peace and quiet,
and light and air and space.

Big space!

- You can't have a luxury caravan, can you?
- No, you can't.

Um, Rolls-Royce does have
a problem, though.

Because... I was talking to an Arab friend
of mine the other day, lives in Dubai.

He's got a Ferrari F40, an
F50, he's got an Enzo coming.

He's got a Bentley Arnage T,
a Jaguar XJ220, a Porsche 959

and a Toyota Previa
for his wife, obviously.

And he was saying,

"Now, I'm not gonna buy one of those
new Rolls-Royces, they're too flash."

He's right,
'cause I look at that

beautiful, half naked woman
on the top of that radiator grille

and do you know
what pops into my head?

- What?
- Jimmy Savile.

And this really is it.
This is the crux.

Rolls-Royce has built
a magnificent car.

They must now be incredibly
careful who they sell it to.

Nobody called James. James
Savile, James Greaves, no.

James Tarbuck, not a chance.

James... You! James May, he
can't have one either. Sorry, mate.

All of which brings this to the Cool
Board. Where does the Rolls go?

Well, right now it has been properly
"Tarbucked" with the Savile brush.

And that means...

It can only be uncool,
I'm afraid.

But I'm gonna put
this proviso on it.

It's gonna stay there until the first
time I open my copy of Heat magazine

and I see one of these
pulling up outside a nightclub

and a member of AC/DC falling out
of the back, into a pool of his own sick.

Then it's gonna go from there,
straight to there.

It'll never happen.
It'll never happen.

Sadly, no rock star will ever
buy the Rolls-Royce.

It's too big to fit
in a swimming pool.

Um, the Ferrari Enzo?

- Mmm.
- There's been three of these sold in this country so far,

and I think, I'm right in
saying, all of them to rock stars.

- Is that right?
- True enough. Yeah.

Eric Clapton,
we think, has one.

- We know Jay Kay has got one.
- Yes.

And the drummer
of Pink Floyd is getting one.

But the funny thing is, even
with the rock star effect...

- Yeah...
- It's still not a cool car.

What do we think?-

- It's trying too hard.
- Cool.

Hold on a minute,
why is the Ferrari Enzo cool?

It's got everything that the
McLaren F1 was 10 years ago.

They're trying to replicate it
and I think, for that, it's cool.

I was nodding off in the
middle of that explanation.

You see, where they're
going wrong is this...

- It's screaming...
- The Kristin Scott Thomas test.

- Precisely.
- Here she is, okay, look.

Her, if you pull up to take
her out in a Ferrari Enzo,

she'll say, "No, do you mind if we
go in my husband's Renault Laguna?"

I've got, um, the new Audi A3.

- Cool.
- Which...

- No, that's uncool!
- Hold on a minute.

There's a man here,
I happen to know has an A3.

They're wonderful
cars to drive.

- You've got a beard!
- So?

It's... If you're gonna
have an Audi,

buy an Audi, not a VW Golf
that looks like an Audi.

That... I'm sorry, I believe
that to be an uncool car.

- No, it isn't. It's a cool car.
- It's uncool!

Now, I'm sorry, I know he's got a
beard, but I think that's a cool car.

- That is so wrong!
- No, it isn't, it's cool.

And if you wanna
do something about it...

I like a reasoned debate.

Now, I think
that's pretty much...

Actually, no, I think I'm
gonna put this Alfa up here.

No!

- Yes!
- Yes! Thank you, yes.

No, it's just escalating...

Well, I'll let you
have that one.

Now, a few weeks ago,
there were some local elections

and the turnout was dreadful.

People immediately started
wailing about voter apathy

and, "Oh, this is the death
of democracy."

It's got nothing
to do with any of that.

It's because it's boring.
Voting is boring, isn't it?

So we thought maybe we could
revolutionise democracy

by deciding the result
of the next general election

using an MG ZR race car
and our test track.

All of the major
political parties

have sent along representatives
to take part in this election,

and the first of them is from
the Legalise Cannabis Alliance.

- Big party? Small party?
- Small party.

This is Mark Gibson.
Good luck.

From the Official Monster
Raving Loony Party...

Um, this is
Alan "Howling Laud" Hope.

Alan has no experience
of this sort of thing,

but he does have a Hyundai Sonata
and a cat that died recently, apparently.

High hopes here, I'm sure!

Um, now from
the Green Party, lain Dickson.

- Hello.
- You do know what you're here to do,

this is racing and stuff,
don't you?

- Exactly! Yes.
- There's no bus lane out there.

- No, it's okay!
- And you'll have to take your cycle clips off.

All right, good luck,
but we'll see how you do.

From the Liberal
Democrat Party, John Ault.

Hello, John.

It's getting scary in here!

Now, I was told, and I
don't know if this is right,

but you're the only Lib Dem
opposed to speed bumps.

I'm sure I'm not the only one,
I don't particularly like them,

unless there's two close together
so I can jump the second one!

From the Labour Party,
Richard Burden.

Now, you have done
quite a bit of racing.

It's one. That's good.

- You're doing well, mate.
- I am.

Richard Burden, you have done
a fair bit of racing...

- Bits and pieces.
- Now we have to see what happens to you.

And finally,
from the Tory party...

The Shadow Defence Secretary
himself, Bernard Jenkin.

Well, this isn't Bernard Jenkin,
obviously, this is a model of him.

Bernard can't make it here
tonight because he's in Iraq.

I don't know why
you'd want to be in Iraq.

Um... Oh, that's your fault!

Because your boss was told by
his boss in America to have a war

- and he did and Bernard can't be here with us tonight.
- He's gone.

I haven't gone, he's gone.

- Well, he managed to make it for the big day.
- He did.

So we'll see how he did.

Just think, by the end of tonight
we could have a new government.

So, we'll find out how they
all did a bit later on.

But first,
it's time for the news.

Now, anyone who's seen
an aerial photograph of London

can't help but to notice that
there is an enormous blue bus lane

running right through the middle
of it which is called the Thames.

It's a perfectly good idea,
get buses off the road

and make them go
down the river.

And we've had a letter from
a company this week,

saying they've built just
such a thing. Look at that.

It's a bus boat.

It's a bus, goes down the river and
then it just pulls out at the far end.

- That's fantastic!
- It is.

The bloke says, he spent all his
money on it and he wants backing.

Well, you're not getting
any from us, sunshine.

We spend all our money
on petrol and crisps.

Well, we're not going
to give you any money.

But we do give you
our backing,

anything that gets buses
off the road is a good idea.

I've got one here,
combines two activities, okay?

Spending time in traffic, we all
have to do it, it's no fun, we know that.

This is a new service.
It's called "motor flirting".

- Motor what?
- Motor flirting.

And essentially,
boils down to this,

Members display
a discreet, it says discreet,

sticker in the back window
of their car,

- with Motor Flirt logo on it.
- Hmm.

And then, another member,
when they see that, and they think,

"Ah, he or she
looks quite nice."

They can contact this service, and
give them the registration number

and they can send
text messages to that person.

This means a load of fat, ugly blokes are
gonna be sending each other text messages!

Him!

And him! These two will be
texting each other. Let's have a look.

Yeah.
That's basically what it is.

"Nice car and dishy driver.

"Instead of gazing longingly
through the windscreen,

"you can text the motorist
you fancy!"

There you go, have that! You
have the number, all the details on it.

I can straightaway see another
use for this, because it means

you can finally contact people
in other cars around you.

You're on the motorway.
Say it's not foggy.

Say... And somebody in front
has, let's imagine, their fog light on.

You can send them a playful
little text message to the effect...

"Turn it off! Turn it off.
123-year-old man, turn it off!"

Yes, precisely!

- What have you got, James?
- Well, I've got the new BMW 5 Series,

which is coming out in
September. Here's a picture of it.

They've come up with
something called "active steering".

Oh, God.

Well, this is... I think that sounds
quite encouraging, active steering.

Now before you knock it,
I've tried this on a prototype.

Because they brought it round to
our big house where we all live together

but these two were out
and I had a go in it.

And it's actually rather good,
because...

Normally, if you're going round in
Sainsbury's car park at any speed, okay?

You go down those little things
and you have to do all that.

"Institute of Advanced
Motorists" feed the wheel stuff.

With this, you just hold
the wheel, quarter to three,

like the Institute
of Advanced Motorists,

but you just do this and the
car goes round a right angle.

Okay, if you get on the motorway
or a German Autobahn doing 130

and that same movement just
gives you a gentle lane change.

- The steering knows how fast you're going.
- That's ridiculous!

- That's stupid!
It's not. It's clever!

It isn't, I'd always forget, I'd be just
going through a car park and I'd do that

and I'd just drive straight
into another car!

Or on the motorway, "Oh, bloody
hell, I'm going the wrong way."

No, Jeremy! Steering is
something you do instinctively!

Isn't it? Don't you...

That's just stupid.

I'll tell you what, I was driving my
car, this one's a Mercedes, okay?

I was driving through East London,
this week, and I got shot, okay?

- Eh?
- Now the thing... I was shot.

At last!

They didn't hit me, but hit
the... Obviously the windscreen.

- What with?
- AK-47.

Okay, now in the olden days you
used to ring up a repair glass company.

They send a man around
and it was 50 quid,

and you out a new one and
you claimed on insurance, yes?

Not any more.
My windscreen has got

aerials in it and heating elements
and light sensors and rain sensors.

They have had to take the
car away, it'll cost £20 trillion

and they've kept it overnight 'cause
they say that the glue's got to set!

Did they by any chance try
telling you that the glue'll

set better if it's left parked
outside a nightclub all night maybe?

Gay nightclub.

Probably.

It's not a gay car.

It is now.

- It is now. Yeah. All right. Is it my turn?
- It is.

Uh, oh, this Lexus.

It's the RX 300.

They're bringing
a new model in, here it is.

And they're talking about, it's got
a whole load of new features on it,

all of which is supposed
to be amazing.

It's got a driver's
knee airbag.

What?

They've looked, Hammond,
and they thought,

"How many airbags have
everyone else got?"

We've got one for the
eyelashes, one for your ears,

one for your ankles, we better do one for
the knees! So they've got a knee airbag.

It's got a colour
rear-view camera.

- Uh, no... The Nissan Primera.
- Primera's gone up...

- No! It's black and white.
- That's black and white.

- Oh, yeah!
- Yes, you have to get a more expensive...

Television licence
to reverse that!

What was the matter
with the rear-view mirror?

This is what I'm talking about,
complication, what was the matter?

You can't get Teletext
on it maybe.

I'll just back up
and check on my share prices.

Well, anyway,
if you want a Lexus

and you wanna look like a Los
Angeles drug dealer, there you are.

Now...

There's a million new little
cars come out every single week.

And they're all much of a muchness,
they're all fine. But this week...

There's a new
Daihatsu Charade out.

It's being launched next month.
We had a go in it this morning.

- It's fantastic!
- It's excellent!

We've got a picture of it here.
It's about two inches tall, okay?

Now, you get electric windows,

you get anti-lock brakes

you get a one litre, three cylinder
engine, does 100 miles an hour,

tons of space and do you
wanna know how much it costs?

£5,995.

But did you notice that when you
put the ignition key in and turn it on,

there's a little display
on the dash and it says,

"Hello, Happy."

Yes, it does!

They've always had a bit of a problem
with this Japanese translation thing.

I mean, they've
improved the cars now,

but I've got at home,
I've got the handbook

from an early 1970s Datsun.

And there's a bit in there
about adjusting the seat.

And right in the middle of it,
it says,

"Cement the driver's
arm to the handle."

And then, in the index
under "H" it's got,

"How To Open The Bonnet."

I had a good one
with Daihatsu.

So, they once
flew me first class,

before, I was
working for the BBC,

they flew me first class all the
way to Japan via Hong Kong

and then back through Maui
and San Francisco.

And I arrived in Japan
to drive their new Charade.

This was, I don't know,
in the late '80s.

I did half a lap of the track
and crashed it.

Well done!

Those guys were,
"Oh, don't worry,

"we make one
every 23 seconds!"

- After you'd grovelled for a half an hour or so...
- Yeah, that's it.

Right, that's the end
of the news.

Right, back to tonight's
theme, luxury.

The thing is, it doesn't have
to cost a fortune.

I found how you can buy a
proper piece of British luxury,

the kind of thing
we've been talking about,

for £8,000.

It's this, the Rover P5.

The Queen of England
had a Rover P5.

I know that because
I'm sitting in it.

This is the Queen's Rover P5.

Now when she ordered this car, she
already had a fleet of Rolls-Royces.

But they were all
chauffeur-driven.

This, she drove herself. This
was more your midweek luxury.

There were two shapes,
the rigidly upright saloon.

And then, there was this,
the coupe,

which, despite being the
coupe, still had four doors.

But it's this lowered roofline
that butches up the image

and somehow makes it
look more...

Caddish.

Inside it might have been the poor
man's Roller, but it was still luxurious.

The holy trinity are here,
leather, wood and shag pile.

It's solid, regal
and dignified.

In fact the phrase, "Gentleman's club
on wheels", maybe a tired old cliche today

but it was actually
coined for this car.

It was the backbone
of England.

Harold Wilson had one and
he had a pipe rest fitted to it.

Maggie Thatcher, when she was
driving around shouting at trade unionists,

she had one.

But underneath all that cosy
tradition, there was modernity.

Because this was the first time Rover
built a car using a monocoque shell.

But when it first arrived,

it could've handled worse than
a Sumo wrestler at a roller disco,

because it barely had enough power to
challenge even the most rotten of chassis.

It struggled along with Rover's
flaccid three-litre straight six

between 1958 and 1967.

And yet, the P5... It
would do 60 miles an hour,

but it took 17 seconds
to get there.

And, yes, it would do 100 miles
an hour, but not without a fight.

Then in 1967, the Rover P5
finally got the engine it deserved.

And the Rover three and a half
litre V8 was born.

The old girl finally
had enough grunt

to shake the rough shag
out of Wilson's pipe.

It does make a nice noise.

That is a great noise! The trees
are moving a bit faster as well.

Shame, really, because,

it all happened
in the same year

that his Transport minister,
Barbara Castle

introduced the 70 miles
an hour speed limit.

So the 3.5 litre V8 engine,
Rover P5B coupe

is clearly the one to go for
if you're buying one today.

And I think you should.

Because you can get a really
good one for £7,000, 8,000

and a really, really good one if you're
prepared to get closer to £10,000, 11,000.

I mean, sure, like an elderly relative, it
will need occasional care and attention

and you'll have to keep
an eye on it.

And, no, it hasn't got
satellite-navigated,

remote-controlled,
airbag operated gizmos.

But it's got something else. It's got
innate luxuriousness. It's ingrained.

Like that Rolls-Royce, the
Rover had luxury built into it.

And it's as English as
an oven glove with cats on it.

Just think how comforting its sturdy,
upright posture must've seemed

to the ex-public schoolboys
running the nation's banks,

industry and, indeed,
the nation.

When you're used to a regime of
cold baths and cross-country running,

a big, matronly Rover P5
must've been a welcome sight.

It's a plate full of mashed potato
on a wooden refectory table.

Comfort food.
I want to call it Nursey.

In fact,
I bet some people did.

Because just like Nursey,

the P5's, perhaps, rather starchy exterior
conceals a warm and comforting bosom

that just for a brief while, makes
everything all right with the world.

Now...

Last weekend, Channel 4
ran a programme

and named
the 100 worst Britons.

I was a deserving 66.

But, my guest tonight
thrashed me.

So, please welcome
Britain's 28th worst person,

Jamie Oliver!

Jamie...

- That was a man!
- Oh, no, I thought it was a bird.

I think his name's Cindy.

It isn't Cindy, mate.
It's a bloke.

Anyway, this is our luxury
programme, so have a Rocher.

Thank you very much.

Have you ever had
one of those?

It's a Malteser that's
won the pools.

No, the things always
get stuck in my throat.

They get stuck on there, 'cause we glued
them together so they'd stop nicking them.

Now, let's talk about
some cars...

Or actually... No, let's not.
Let's talk about your scooter.

- Yeah.
- Why? Why do you have a scooter?

Uh, because
the scooter's probably...

I think, scooters are probably the
fastest method of travel in London, really.

I'm fed up with sitting in traffic
in London. It's a terrible city.

Drives me mad.

I know, but a scooter, if you
leave it to its own devices...

- I'd beat any Ferrari in London. Easy.
- No, you won't.

- I swear to you.
- 3:00 in the morning, Baker Street.

All right, fair enough.

You had a bit of a crash on
it, didn't you, on television?

Several! Oh, God,
yeah, lately! Yeah. Yeah.

Tell the nice people what happened
when you went on the Oprah Winfrey Show.

We were in Chicago and went on
the Oprah Winfrey Show,

and it's quite exciting because
it's quite hard to get on there.

And they did this little VT
of the things I've done.

And then,
"With Jamie Oliver!"

And I opened the door and I
drove in between the audience.

And all I remember, a very
proud moment in my life,

this beautifully lit studio, wonderful
flowers and Oprah smiling at me.

And as I got closer...
You know sometimes when cars

or things slip and you think,
"Oh, I better correct it a bit"?

Well, there was none of that. I
just went straight on the floor.

And I just skidded on my front
about four or five metres.

They had an awkward family of
eaters from Chicago, in this table,

for four, in the corner and I
was going straight for them!

It was just a really, really
scary moment, but it was great.

Did they leave it in?

They did, yeah. They thought
I was a stunt man.

Still, having a scooter
is better than your car.

Well, not really, 'cause it's a bit
cold, a bit wet. Very dangerous.

And you've got a Maserati.

Yeah. Yeah.

Would you like to explain, what
on Earth possessed you to do that?

I love it!

It looks beautiful,
I think they're great value.

I think they're very fast, they sound
beautiful. Do you not agree, guys?

- Have you seen it?
- You're not gonna get them to agree!

These people know about cars. That's
why they've come to the Top Gear show.

Yeah. But you drive a hairdresser's
car, mate. What can you say?

And you know what, your
Stig took me out in it today,

scared the life out of me. I've
never been so scared in all of my life.

And, um... He crashed it.

Did he?

- He crashed it on the corner. He smashed up all the wheels.
- Good Stig! That's one less.

How did he do it?

After, he said,
"I'm sorry about that, J.

"I could've missed that ditch, but I
wanted to show you how it goes sideways."

Thanks very much!

Seriously.

We can actually prove... I'm sorry
to have to do this to you, Jamie...

We rang your restaurant just
to find out how much

you and your business
knows about cars.

- Right.
- Yeah.

- We rang... And if you ring, It's 15, yeah?
- Yeah.

I don't mind saying that.

If you ring, you get a recorded
message saying you can have lunch in...

Oh, three or four months?

July, I think it is. And if you
want dinner you have to wait till...

- December.
- Three or four months. Yeah, it's a long time.

So we said, "Could we have a
table for four, for Nigel Mansell?"

Guess when they said
he could have a table.

- Three or four months?
- Friday.

- Really?
- You don't want monobrow in your restaurant, okay?

He's not coming. It was a trick, so when
you get back cross him out of the book...

Okay.

Don't forget, we are a
charity, mate. So you know...

Do you know
what's even funnier?

We rang up the next day and we
booked a table for Gilles Villeneuve.

He's dead!

You know what I did
the other day?

I phoned up my own restaurant
and pretended to be you,

and they wouldn't give me
a table till December!

- You are an Essex boy, yeah?
- Yes.

Do you do the Essex thing with
cars, do you tart them up and so on?

I don't know what it is, I think it's
the lead in the water or something,

but everyone buys really dodgy cars
and does 'em up with spoilers and...

At one point my car was worth 800
quid, and my stereo was worth 1,300 quid!

It's just pathetic, but
I was there, so I'm guilty.

And you're still at it today, really,
you've claimed to have grown up but...

You've got a camper van.

- Oh, yeah.
- But it's not a normal camper van.

It's a beautiful thing, yeah.

Just talk us through it.

It's there. It's there.
It's behind us!

I love it dearly. I just wish
it worked more reliably.

What have you done to that?

Well, I've kept it
looking pretty original,

but I've got, like
the little bits and pieces,

a pull-out double bed, a kitchen in the
back, TV, DVD and all that sort of stuff.

But most importantly, I've got a Porsche
3.6 litre engine in the back, which...

This is it, okay? We had this
brilliant idea, where we thought

we'd see if Jamie could do
some cooking in his van,

while going round our track
with the Stig driving.

Anyone want to
see what happened?

- I'd love to.
- Yes!

What we're gonna make today
is a beautiful salad of mozzarella,

fig, rocket, mint,
all those beautiful things.

I wanna tear up
my mozzarella...

I wanna take
the tips off of my figs.

Oh, my Lord...

And what I wanna do, is...

Put a little olive oil in...

Just dress the salad...

I'm still making the salad!

Basically, if you toss this up
and put that on there...

Hopefully, it'll look nice.

That was horrible, and I,
honestly, felt really sick afterwards.

Was he really going for it?

He was really going for it, but I
couldn't see anything going on.

So, all I'd know is,
every now and again

when I thought things
were going quite well,

'cause I really wanted to
show off and make it good,

"Whatever he does,
I'll make it look beautiful."

But when the car went,
I was like...

Right, of course, you're not here just to
fool around on our track with your Maserati.

Because we don't just have
people in here to chat.

You're the Star In
A Reasonably Priced Car.

You had to go out there and
we see how fast you go in...

- Yeah! I forgot about this!
- ...A Suzuki Liana.

Now this is the list of people who've
been around, well, in the last series,

and this one, as well.

Is there anyone on here that
you're particularly keen on beating?

Who do you think
I was trying to beat?

Gordon Ramsay.

Gordon Ramsay.

Gordon Ramsay's
a very good friend of mine

and I've spent my whole life chasing him,
and I want to beat him for once in my life!

The only slight worry about
that, from my point of view is that,

Gordon did it in exactly the same time
as me, so if you beat him you beat me, too.

That's all right.

And I done it!

Shall we see how you got on?

If I beat you I'll be the
happiest boy in the world, mate.

You'll be the deadest.

Let's have a look.

Gordon had
a better start than that.

You should have
gone down to Specsavers!

Oh, you got your
window down!

I know!

You're never gonna beat Gordon,
'cause he had his window up!

Yes, my son!

- That's tight there.
- That is really tight there.

- Did I just hit the camera?
- No.

Gordon had finished by now
and opened another restaurant.

Oh! Nice cornering actually!

One more corner to go,
Gambon bend!

That's quite neat as well.

And across the line.

So, you wanted to
beat Gordon Ramsay.

- Yes, please.
- Who's here. Okay?

Please, Gordon, this is
an important thing for me.

You've got your
Michelin star, this is mine.

Yeah, he's got more
than one Michelin star.

Oh, he's got several.

Okay, Jamie Oliver...

You've gotta beat 1.50.

- Yeah.
- You did it in one minute...

...fifty...

- ...seconds.
- Yes!

It's a tie!

You needn't think it'll
look like that next week.

- Here, have a bottle of baby champs.
- Yeah, thanks very much.

Since it's our luxury programme.
And thank you very much for coming.

- You have been brilliant.
- Thank you, very much.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Jamie Oliver!

That's great!

Right, insider dealing.

Now, Hammond, as we know, in
September, there's a new BMW 5 Series.

- There is.
- Which is fantastic news,

'cause frankly, there's
nothing wrong with the old one.

And we found some deals.
How about this?

The 5 Series ES model, 2 litre or
2.5 litre petrol engines, or 2.5 diesel.

Same car but up to £4,000 worth of
extra kit, and it's not rubbish, okay?

It's alloy wheels, metallic paint, sports
suspension, luxury interior trim fittings.

If you have the diesel, you
have three years' free servicing.

Couple of important things
here, though. Number one,

- that means BMW dealers are dealing...
- Yes!

...which they don't!

- They are famous...
- Once in a lifetime opportunity.

Exactly! Famously mean.

So, if they're
giving £4,000 worth of kit,

it might be worth having a go
getting more money off the car.

- Might be worth a go.
- And it's a great car.

- The currently outgoing 5 is brilliant.
- It is! It's a fantastic car!

They didn't need to
replace it.

Worth looking out for.

Now, the GTV and Spider, they've
been around quite a long time.

But they're still fantastic,
and that car

still has the best headlights
in the motoring industry, I think.

Yeah, but it's flawed,
it's got no boot space,

it's an Alfa Romeo,
bits drop off it...

- But it's somehow still very cool.
- It's cool.

Now, this is being titivated
in September, okay.

It's gonna have a new face, and it's gonna
have some engine revisions, and so on.

But there are still some of the
existing model knocking around.

I had a quick ring round Alfa Romeo
dealers and I found a Spider Lusso.

So, this has got leather seats
and the electric hood.

It's £22,750, and just
on the phone, he said,

"Yours for 20 grand."

What, so you've got 2,000...

£2,750 off,
just with a phone call.

Excellent, okay.

Now, if I say to you, "Big
French car." What do you think?

- "Oh, dear", usually.
- Yes.

Yes. Citroen C5, it's
struggling a bit. It's a bit ugly,

but it's very comfortable.

And this exclusive model I've
been looking at, it's loaded with kit,

it's got electric everything, alloy wheels,
climate control and all the rest of it.

It's £19,495.

But, there's a £3,400
cash-back deal.

And I thought this would be tied
into some ridiculous finance option

that meant that you had to give
your furniture away, as well, but it's not.

If you go to the dealer and
buy it with your Switch card,

you still get
the £3,400 cash-back.

So, let's say it's a 16
grand car, all of a sudden...

So you get it at 16 grand...
And it's big!

- It's big.
- And it's ugly!

Full of kit.

If that was the equivalent of
Mondeo, that would be 20...

Nearly 21,000.

That's actually quite
a smart buy.

James, thank you very much!

Right, this is the
performance car yardstick.

It's the BMW M3.

You can use it every day,
or you can take it to a track.

And it'll set your
trousers on fire!

Couple of things
you might like to know.

Obviously, you've got to avoid the
sequential gearbox, which is rubbish

and ruins the whole thing,
and one other thing to avoid...

Anyone want to guess?

- The colour!
- The colour.

I mean, I won't have
the red one,

I won't have the blue and
I won't have the black...

I'll have bile yellow!

So, you avoid that,
you avoid the gearbox,

and then really,
you can't do better.

Or can you?

This is the new Audi S4.

It doesn't look like much, but
they've put a V8 under the bonnet.

A big one. 4.2 litres.

They've given it more doors
than the BMW, and more grip,

in the shape
of four-wheel drive.

Then, there's the price.

At £36,000, it's £3,000
less than the M3.

So, this, then, is
Audi's lump hammer,

built to break BMW's nut.

So, has it worked?

Amazingly, despite
all Audi's hard work,

in a simple straight line race
down our runway,

this was the result.

You see, although the Audi has
1,000 more cc's and two more cylinders,

it only develops one more brake
horsepower than the lighter BMW.

But what happens
when the road gets twisty?

Being four-wheel drive, the
Audi is the opposite of a barbecue,

it's better when wet.

But it's also very good
in the dry.

The handling
is absolutely sublime!

This is harnessed lunacy.

But I still don't think it's as
much fun as the unhinged M3.

That's the thing
about the Audi.

The engine is a masterpiece.
It really is.

And it's beautifully made,
and very safe.

But in terms of
sheer entertainment,

it's like a dinner party,

civilised conversation, glass of
wine, a bit of Sade on the stereo.

Now the BMW,
on the other hand,

that's more like a 2:00
a.m. Ibiza beach barbecue.

So, there you have it.

The yob...

...and the
provincial solicitor.

So, the Audi is better value, it's
more practical and it's more grown-up.

The BMW is more of a hoot and,
in a straight line, quicker.

But we do have
one more test to do,

we've got to see which is
the fastest round our tracks.

So that means,
breaking out The Stig.

And that's a problem because

he's been to Nashville
for his holidays

and I'm afraid he's developed a
penchant for country and western music.

Yee-ha.

Right, first up, the BMW.

343 horsepower,
rear-wheel drive,

160 kilograms
lighter than the Audi.

Not much
can keep up with this!

It's very tidy
through the Hammerhead.

And...

Whoa! That is seriously quick!
Through the Follow-through.

The S4 will need to be pretty
special to get close to this.

And here is the Audi.

Four-wheel drive, remember.

Oh, dear!
What is The Stig listening to?

Into Chicago,
looking good so far.

Little bit of understeer, but
that's not really slowed him down.

Now, it's the Hammerhead.

This is the real test for heavy
cars like the S4, will it run wide?

No, he's kept it in check.

God...

As he blasts
into the Follow-through...

A seriously quick car, fantastic V8
engine, almost as good as the BMW's.

He's only got
one more corner to go!

It's Gambon and
he's running very wide.

And he's across the line in...

Well, actually, we're gonna
have to do the BMW time first.

That did it in 1:31.8.

Quicker than an Esprit V8,
which is impressive.

However, the Audi S4, which
we know is slower in a straight line,

did it in 1:30.9, that's
nearly a second quicker!

It's only just off the place
than Murcielago!

And that's in the dry,
what about in the wet?

It's funny you
should mention that.

I was talking to a racing driver the
other day who'd been out in a Lister Storm,

which is a huge,
kind of Le Mans car,

in a race,
and it poured with rain.

They sent out the safety car, which
was an Audi RS4, the forerunner to this,

it was going round
to bunch them all up,

and the bloke in the Lister
Storm got on the car-to-pit radio

and said, "Can you slow
him down? I can't keep up."

They're very good in the wet and now we find
out they're very good in the dry, as well.

So what're you gonna
have, then, Jeremy?

I don't know.

I'll still maintain,
for one lap of a track,

the M3 is the one I'd choose,
but every day...

- The Audi.
- The Audi.

Both of us.

Right, it's time to sort
the big political issue.

Remember, that's not
foundation hospitals

or Clare Short, we don't care
about any of that!

What we want to know is,
which is the fastest political party?

First up, the Tories.

We've got your music lined up
here, so I'm gonna set that going.

- Good luck, take care.
- Thank you.

Go!

And clearly Bernard's
not for turning.

Oh! Yes, he is.

Is it me or is that the naffest
PA I've ever, ever heard?

A pretty good performance
from the Tories,

but he could
still lose his deposit.

Now, hold on, I've just got to bring
everything to a brief stop there, okay.

Because there
has been a complaint.

In fact, lain Duncan Smith is apparently
going to send a letter to Greg Dyke,

complaining that the BBC is
biased against the Tory Party.

Now the BBC is taking
this very seriously,

and so are we!

So, we saw Bernard Jenkin,
the Tory there,

go round our nice, dry
test track and set his time.

Then we made the other candidates
wait a little bit until this happened.

Take care out there.
Be brave. Here's your music.

I'll give you a count-off,
okay? Good luck.

For Lib Dem, that was very, "We
went that way, and that was it."

Down the middle.

I thought he was really
decided for Lib Dem.

And a well-fought
campaign there.

But is it a safe seat?

I don't even have a
driving licence! I can't drive!

Oh, dear.

I have had my suspicions that
he might just be a ringer.

No, he's clearly not a ringer.
I've just seen what's going...

There's some interesting
gear change action occurring.

Hmm, could this
be a wasted vote?

- Yeah, that's very chill.
Fire it up!

Things are probably
coming up faster for him.

Mmm! Bit of a shock.
I'm just guessing.

Of course, the question is,
is he gonna roll?

After the race, probably.

The Greens.

- Watch out for rabbits and stuff.
- Thank you.

If I do I'll bring it back.

Would you? I'm gonna stop taking the
mick out and I'll leave you to do your job.

Here's your music, this
will make you feel better.

Good luck.

The world's first ecologically
sound wheel-spin there.

- He left his indicator on.
- Yeah.

I don't suppose
that'll slow him up.

Uh-oh. It looks like the
Green Party's about to have

a big impact
on the environment.

But no, no, he's saved it.

And now, our current leaders.

This is the original
red flag for you.

Oh, how lovely!

Start your engine.
I'll give you a count off.

Oh, dear. Still, things
can only get better.

- We can expect a bit of spin from the Labour Party.
- Hey!

Well, there's no spin,
but typically, Labour

don't know whether to go to
the left or the right of the line.

But after that he was soon
back on message.

Now, just before you write in to
complain, or anybody else complains,

there was a bit of
a brouhaha following that.

Yes, some went in the wet,
some went in the dry.

All those who went in the wet
we gave the opportunity

to have another go this
morning and they have done it.

So, these are
the official results.

And as the official returning
officer for Top Gear, here they are.

In sixth place,
Alan "Howling Laud" Hope!

Official Monster
Raving Loony.

With 2:13.

- In fifth place, Bernard Jenkin MP...
- Conservative.

With a time of 1:41.8.

In fourth place, Ian Dixon.

Green.

With a time of
1:41 seconds.

- And in third place, Richard Burden, MP.
- Labour.

1:38.8.

And that means, ladies and
gentleman, we have a new opposition.

And that is Mark Gibson,
of the...

Legalise Cannabis Alliance.

Who would've thunk
it, with a time of 1:36.5,

and we have a new government
this evening, ladies and gentlemen.

- To lead that is John Ault.
- Liberal Democrat.

With 1:33.9!

And here is your reward.
It's a safe seat.

It came out of a Volvo,
so enjoy that.

There aren't many Liberal Democrat
safe seats, but thank you very much.

Exactly, none at all.
So, a round of applause there!

And I believe
that's it for this week.

Next week, we'll have lots of very fast
cars driving around, I should imagine.

And I'm gonna make
a pair of trousers.

See you then! Good night!