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JIM: So, how do you like
this rain, Danny?

DANNY:
I'm sick of it, Jim.

Well, it seems
Mr. Sunshine should be

peeking through
those early morning clouds.

Yeah, promises,
promises.

Folks, tell you what.

We have a question
for you,

and the first caller
with the right answer wins...

An orthopedic tractor
seat cushion,

courtesy of
Handy's Hardware.

Okay, he was a recent
two-term president.

Of the Moose lodge?

(CHUCKLING)
No, no, little buddy.

The ex-President
of the United States!

And many say
the most popular in history.

The first President to
be divorced in office.

And he's moving
right here to...

BOTH:
Mooseport! (PHONE RINGS)

Okay, we got
a caller here.

Judy Dunkle,
can you name him?

JUDY: Would that
be Eagle Cole?

BOTH MEN:
Monroe "Eagle" Cole! (BELL DINGS)

Hey, congratulations,
you're a winner, Judy.

Morning, Handy.

Mornin', Kent.
Hey, looks good.

Yeah. Yeah.
Mornin', Harve.

Mornin', Kent.
Mornin', Harve.

Mornin', Handy.
Morning, Harve.

Morning, Morris.
Morning, Handy.

Morning, Morris.
Morning, Reuben.

Morning, Handy!

Morning, Stu.
Morning, Fern.

Morning, Handy.
Mornin'.

HANDY:
New socks, Harve?

Yeah!

Yeah, I like 'em.
I like 'em.

They go well
with each other.

Thanks.

Morning, Handy.

Oh, hi, Mandy.
I didn't see you there.

Oh.

Ready, boys?
Get it together now. One, two...

Nice!

Good job!

♪ My job is
so small town

♪ Provides little
opportunity... ♪

(HONKING)
Mornin'.

Mornin', Irma.

Hey.
(BRAYING)

(BARKS)

Hey, come on.

Come on, Plunger.
(BRAYING)

Hey, baby.
HANDY: Martha, good mornin'.

6:30 is too
damn early.

It's not too early
for Bruce, right?

Bruce doesn't care
what time it is.

Bruce got a little
morning breath goin'.

IRMA: Do you
believe this?

I mean, he decides
to come a week early,

and they expect us
to get all that work done?

Well, he's
the President.

He's kinda used to
getting what he wants.

We'll get it done.

You know what I
like about Bruce?

When he's here,
my nose looks normal.

Yeah, but his nose
fits his face, boss.

You're not
funny, Bob.

(SNORTS)
Let's go.

MAN: Yeah, who do
we have writing the speech for Tuesday?

Yeah. No.
I don't like him.

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)

Yeah. Hold, please.

Hold on one second.
Hold on one second.

(MURMURING STOPS)

Copy that. Go!

Lucky bounce,
Mr. President!

Well, you know
what they say,

"I'd rather be lucky
than good." (LAUGHS)

(ALL CLAPPING)

(CELL PHONE RINGS)

So, Mr. President,
what are you gonna do next?

Oh, so many
offers, Chi Chi,

it's an embarrassment
of riches.

First, there's
the Farewell World Tour.

Chance for me
to say good-bye and thank you

to all my
wonderful friends.

Writing my,
uh, memoirs.

And then,
I'm doing something

I haven't done
in 26 years,

putting my feet up,
reading a newspaper

without interruptions.

Sounds good.

Settle back in
that beautiful place you have in Baltimore.

Uh, afraid
the First Lady got that one.

In the divorce.

Oh, right.

She got the best
years of my life.

But the one thing
she won't get is my title.

To the house?

No. The title
"Mr. President."

Oh!

Unless donkeys fly,

they'll be calling me
"Mr. President" for the rest of my life.

She can have Baltimore.

I'm fine with my lovely
little summer place

Mooseport.

(STIRRING MARCH PLAYS)

(BRAYING)

CONTROLLER:
Four tango X-ray.

Hold short of
runway one-two.

Sorry, Sally,
we have the former

President of
the United States on final

We've got orders to
let him land first.

Hold short.
Damn it.

(BRAYING)

Everybody,
here we go! Stay sharp!

Welcome to the Mooseport
White House, Mr. President.

Thank you.
MAN: Step coming up...

All secure.
Ah!

Home, sweet home.

Ah, it gets
more magnificent every year.

Ah!

(BARKS)

Take the dog for
a pee, Grace. Ah!

Oh, Jesus.

It looks like
Tiger Woods' funeral.

Mr. President,
I'd like to go over some of these...

Uh, hold on,
Bullard.

I have to
take a quick cabinet meeting.

(PHONE RINGS)

(WHISTLES HAIL TO THE CHIEF)

Get in there!

Oh! Hey!

(GRUNTS, YELLS)

(GROANS SOFTLY)
Oh! Sir, sorry.

Sorry. Handy Harrison.
Uh, it's an honor...

Get his weapons.
Back off!

Got him!
You all right, sir?

I'm fine. I didn't
realize one of the workers...

I'm a worker.
I'm just one of the workers.

I'm sure he's been
checked out.

I've been...
I've checked out.

Oh, yes, sir,
everybody's been

totally cleared.
Okay, good.

I'll get outta here.

I'll... Let me...
Yeah.

Boy, sorry.
And, uh... All clear.

I just wanna say

it's an honor to
work for you, really.

Thank you.
Thank you very much.

All right, just...

Well, um...

I did come in here
for a reason.

Oh, right! Sure.

Go right ahead, yeah.

Sorry. Here.

(TOOLBOX CLANKS)
(GROANS)

I'll get that.
I'll fix all that.

(CLANKING)

It'll all be fixed.

(EXHALES)

(EXHALES)

That was...
President.

(INDISTINCT
CONVERSATION)

Well, at last!

Everyone, let's give
the President

a little privacy,
shall we?

Right away.
Absolutely.

We can go over
all these offers anytime, Mr. President.

Hold on! Hold on.
How's it coming?

We're finalizing dates
this week, sir.

26 speaking engagements,
14 days, 120 thou per.

And?

Clinton got
a hundred thousand, sir.

And my autobiography?

Random House
is offering 14 mil.

Harper Collins
is at 13,

but is offering
a better ghostwriter.

(GROANS)
Here you go.

Excellent.
Keep working it.

We're up to 147
honorary doctorates,

93 offers to be on
the boards of Fortune 500 companies.

Soova Motors
is offering you $5 million

to do a car commercial
to air only in Norway.

And of course,
the big enchilada.

(DRUMROLL PLAYING)

The Monroe
"Eagle" Cole

Presidential Library.

(LAUGHING)
I like it.

MAN:
European rationalism

interwoven with
American modernism.

A metaphor of
organic growth.

A man-made
mountain

over which
soars the eagle.

Ah. It's fantastic.

Is it big enough?

It's, uh,

40,000 square
feet, sir.

And?

Clinton's is
20,000, sir.

(CELL PHONE RINGS)
Excellent.

Mr. President,
it's the former First Lady, sir.

Shall I tell her
you're out?

No, no, no.

You excuse me?

Here he is, Mrs. Cole.

And the problem is?

As the man who
has just gotten

the most lucrative
speaking fees,

the biggest book deal,

the most board
offers in history,

I would think
you'd know.

Come on,
honey lamb.

You don't believe
all that nonsense, do you?

No, Eagle, I believe
it's just the tip of the iceberg.

Charlotte, lamb,
we settled.

(CHUCKLES)
Pioneers settle.

We rested.

Seven million,
and don't forget

you're selling
Mooseport. Charlotte...

It's a vacation
home, Monroe.

You thieving, conniving,
ungrateful...

It's been a pleasure
speaking with you, Mrs. Cole.

We'll call you back.

Yeah, you too.

Try to talk some
sense into him.

Seven million.

It's a negotiation.

You've handled
dictators.

You've handled
terrorists.

Terrorists were easier.
I, I swear to God.

(SIGHS)

(STAMMERS)

Breathe.

Let the lawyers handle it.

Breathe.

(SIGHING)

Oh. I could...

Oh, Grace,
you're a miracle.

Oh...

(TOILET FLUSHING)

Oh. Sorry.

No, no, no.

Come on in.

Can I help you?

Yeah.

Well, I don't mean
to disturb you.

I'm-I'm all
done in here.

I mean, I'm done...

I'm done fixing it.

That-that flushing you heard,

that's work-related,
not personal.

Ah...

Hey, we're done.

(DOG WHINING)

What? Plunger!

(WHINING)

Plunger!
Plunger, stop it!

(WHINES)

Come here!

(BARKING)

What are you doing, huh?

(BARKING)

What? Hey, you trying
to get us both shot?

How many times
do I gotta tell you?

Keep that thing
in your... body.

Bad dog.

You just sit there

and let him do that
right in front of you?

I don't have cable, man.

(SIGHS)

Come on, boy.

Come on.

Get up. Get up. Get up.

(PLUNGER BARKING)

Sally!

(BARKING)

Spit it up, froggy.

Thank you.

Sally!

You stay off her
couch, Plunger.

Sally!
(BARKS)

Sally! Hey, you up here?

Guess what?
Downstairs.

Hey. Hey.
Guess what came?

Shh!
(WOMAN GROANS)

Jane Ellen's delivering.

Already?
Sally!

Wow. How's she doing?

Hey, here comes
another one.

She's up to sextuplets.

Sextuplets?

(WOMAN GRUNTS)

Seven, right?
Six. Seven!

No, six, six.

(WHIMPERING)

Chester. Huh?

HANDY:
Aw, you did it, boy.

Yeah.

Oh, boy.
Oh, look at those paws.

It's gonna be giant.

I know. Ooh!

Hey, uh, so guess
who I saw today?

Who?

Take a guess.
Handy?

Come on! Take one guess.

The President.

(STAMMERS, SIGHS)

Oh, that's right, because
everybody knows he's here.

Okay. But not everybody gets
a check for 17,000 big ones.

Really?

17,000.

Man, you know what?

I just... uh...

I think I'm finally ready.

(DOG WHIMPERS)

(NERVOUS CHUCKLE)

Where were those towels?

You're ready?

Y-Yeah. Yeah.

Ready to...?

To get the new truck.

The... a big one.
A big one.

You know,
no more three trips

to the lumberyard
for me.

It's gonna be great.

Dina, false alarm!

I'll take him.

I'm not sensin'
any enthusiasm.

SALLY:
I'm thrilled...

about your new truck.

Really.

Hey, look.
You know what?

Tonight after the...
the party thing,

let's do something
to celebrate.

You know, let's...

let's just go out,
me and you.

A little romantic dinner.

Sure.

Yeah, it'll be great.

Okay. All right.

Dina, say hi to Fred
and the kids.

All right.
I'll see you later.

Plunger, let's go!
(BARKS)

Well, he needs
a new truck

so he can load all that
crap that he's full of.

(LAUGHING)

(BAND PLAYING PATRIOTIC MARCH)

(CROWD MURMURING EXCITEDLY)

MAN:
There he is!

(SIRENS APPROACHING)

(WHISTLING AND CHEERING)

(BAND PLAYS HAIL TO THE CHIEF)

MAN: You look
great, sir!

Glad you're here,
sir!

Good to see you,
sir.

Over here!

Mr. President!

Over here,
Mr. President!

We're glad to have
you here, sir!

(CHEERING)

WOMAN:
Glad you're back home, Mr. President.

(SIGHS)

♪ How happy you
made me, oh, Mandy

♪ You came and you gave
without taking ♪

Here we are.

Ooh!
Mmm!

Morris! Morris!

What?

He's here. He's here.

Al, "Hail to the Chief."
"Hail to the Chief."

(PLAYS FUNKY
HAIL TO THE CHIEF)

MAN: Sir, welcome!

Fifteen minutes.

An hour.
Thirty.

Forty-five
and it's a deal.

Mm... okay.

(WHOOPS)

(CROWD CHEERING)

(FEEDBACK SQUEALS)

(ALL GROANING)

Sorry.

(FEEDBACK FADES)

Good evening.

I'd like to thank
everybody for coming.

Tonight is a
very special night

for Mooseport.

In the words
of Hunt Langley,

who put it so eloquently
in The Moose Call...

"The Eagle has Landed!"

(LAUGHING)

(CHUCKLING)
How original.

On behalf of
the town council,

let's give a big
Mooseport welcome

to our newest citizen,

Monroe "Eagle" Cole!

(CHEERING)

Yea!

Thank you. Thank you
very much. Thank you.

As you all know,
it's been over a year

since I vacationed
up here.

So first off, uh,
to the rumor that

I'm only here because
I lost my Baltimore house

in my divorce...

absolutely true.

(LAUGHING)

Now I am a Mooseport
resident,

and even though I didn't get
a chance to meet many of you

when I was up here
as President,

I certainly hope to...
(DOOR CLANKS OPEN)

I certainly would, uh...

(MOUTHING)

...hope to get to know you
all a lot better.

Maybe we could, uh,

hit a few birdies
or, uh, eagles...

(CROWD LAUGHING)
...at your local golf links.

Anyway, since I'm not here
to ask for money, uh...

(LAUGHING)

...uh, I don't know
what else to say

except to thank you
so much for your

hospitality and...

see you around the burg.

(CHEERING)

Let's go.

Thank you, Mr. President.
That was great.

Uh, could a few of us have
a word with you in private?

Uh, the President has

a limited
amount of time. Sorry.

This'll just take
a second, sir.

It's kind of urgent.

Certainly.

Ah, right this way.

Excuse me.
Hi...

Mr. President, I'm sorry
the timing isn't better,

but it seems that your arrival

has coincided
with something of a crisis.

Folks, I'm
the Crisismeister.

Shall I call
the Marines?

(LAUGHING)

Would you care to sit down,
please, sir?

Thank you.

Mr. President,
Amos Harmon, our beloved mayor

of 24 years,
just passed away.

Oh, I'm sorry
to hear that.

Anyway, sir, the town
council met an hour ago

in an emergency session
and voted unanimously

to beseech you, sir,
to be our mayor.

Your mayor?

(LAUGHING)
Mayor...

(LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING) That's good.

Yes, sir.

You see, before he died,

Mayor Harmon was running,
as always, unopposed.

And with the filing
deadline tomorrow,

we were having a dilly
of a time

trying to find
a replacement.

And then Reuben
here pipes up

and says, "Why not
get the President?"

I said, "Get the president"!

In our 240-year history,

there would be
no greater honor bestowed on our town.

To have
as our mayor, the most popular

president
in history.

Popular, with approval
ratings in the 70s.

80s, actually.

Uh, 85.
Eighty-five.

Eighty-five.
Eighty-five.

Unbelievable.

Mr. President, you
simply must say yes.

Well, uh, folks, uh, listen.

Even though I'm not in
the Oval Office any longer,

I do have plans.

MORRIS:
Sally,

please, we're
in the middle of something here.

Sorry, I, uh, was just...

...getting my coat.
I'll come back.

Uh, hold-hold on a second.
Sally, is it?

Yes.

Sally, you, uh, seem
like an engaged citizen.

Uh, what would you think
about my being mayor?

Mayor? Really?

And it was my idea!

Um...

I think you should do it.

(EXHALES)

And then maybe
you could do something

about that landing situation.

The landing situation.

Uh, yeah.

I'm a veterinarian and
I had a critically ill

donkey in my helicopter
this morning,

and I almost lost her

because the president
just had to land first.

Oh, I'm-I'm terribly sorry,
I didn't realize that.

That must've been
a procedural thing.

Standard
security protocol, sir.

Standard security.

Maybe, if you were mayor,

you could
do something about that.

Hmm. Absolutely.

Uh, things like that
shouldn't happen.

I appreciate your opinion.

It's really, really nice
to meet you, Mr. President.

Nice to meet you,
too, Sally.

Take care.

Thank you.

Well, Mr. President?

I'm sorry, gentlemen,
it's just...

Hold on a second
there, Bullard. Maybe...

Excuse me, Mr. President.

I suggest that we give them

an answer tomorrow.

Gentlemen,
he'll sleep on it.

Yes, I'll-I'll-
I'll sleep on it.

So we'll hear from you
in the morning, sir?

You have my word.

You have the Eagle's word.

Thank you,
Mr. President.

By God, that's just
the way he sounds on TV!

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)

Hey. Sorry.

Connelly's septic tank
broke again.

Ah, stood up
for a septic tank.

No. No.
You look good.

Yeah?
Yeah.

Ew!
What?

You stink.
Too much cologne? Yeah?

No, not enough... Did you
think about a shower?

I... yes, I did, but then
I would've been more late,

and I didn't think
it was bad.

You know how you can't
smell your own smell.

I think that's what we kind of
got going on here... yeah.

So is this thing over?

It's over for me.

Hey. What do you want to do?
You want to get something to eat?

No, I'm not that hungry.
I think I'm just going to go home.

Wait. What? Come on.
Is it that bad?

I'll take a shower.
We can take a shower.

I already took a shower.

Well, come on, Sally, what?
What's the problem?

(GROANS)
I don't know.

I'm just...

You know, for
the past six years...

Today, when you
said you were...

I don't know, Handy.

Why don't you tell me
what the problem is.

I don't have a problem.

Well, that's the problem.

Well, what do you...
I'll see you tomorrow.

(SIGHS)

I should have showered.

(SNIFFS)

Your newspapers.

Good morning.
Beautiful, Ramona. Beautiful.

Today's agenda, ma'am.
Thank you, John.

Perfect, Smitty.
Mm-hmm.

BULLARD:
For God's sake,

save me
from Mooseport, Rod.

Well, how about a job
at the Pentagon?

(WHISTLING)
Gotta go.

Morning,
Mr. President.

(WHISTLING)

(CHUCKLING)

Good morning. Good morning.
Good morning.

Oh, Smitty,
thank you so much. Sir.

What's on tap today?

Read the paper.

Finally.
Grace, you're wonderful.

And then you can take

that jog you've
been wanting to take.

Mm, fabulous.

Oh, uh...

about that mayor thing.

Oh, don't worry,
Mr. President.

We'll take care of it.

"While the president
is flattered,

"he respectfully declines.

"His schedule
precludes him..."

Actually,
I'm considering it.

Sir?

Yeah, why not?

Largely ceremonial.

Any work involved,
you can do.

I mean, we run
everything else

we're involved in,
why not Mooseport?

Well, sir, actually...

As your first move
out of office,

you... become mayor?

It's, uh, beneath you.

And from
a PR standpoint it's...

Fantastic.

"For the love
of public service, Eagle Cole,

"the most beloved president
since Jack Kennedy,

"agrees to help." Perfect.

And don't forget
the Wicked Witch

of the West Wing.

She can't claim
this is a vacation house

if I'm the mayor,
now can she?

True.

Wait until the filing
deadline and then, uh,

call them
with the good news.

Yes, sir.

We're... going to
run "Turdport."

♪ For...

♪ He's a jolly good fellow

♪ For he's
a jolly good fellow

♪ For he's a jolly good

♪ Fellow...

♪ Which nobody can deny ♪

Thank you, thank you
very much, gentlemen.

I won't let
Mooseport down.

You have
the Eagle's word, okay?

Oh, thank you,
Mr. President.

Good-bye, now.

MONROE: Bye.

It was my idea!

Congratulations, Kent.

Congratulations, Stu.
Oh, Morris.

You might want
to read this.

Holy crap!

MORRIS:
Thank you so much

for meeting with us
again, sir.

When we talked last night,

uh, nobody else
had put in for mayor.

Well, unbeknownst
to us, Irma Brisker,

our town registrar,
took it upon herself

to persuade
Harold Harrison...

You may know him
as Handy Harrison, sir.

He runs
the hardware store.

Doing some construction work
on your home, I believe.

...uh, to run
for mayor as well.

Well, okay then.

You've got your mayor.

If he wants it,
he can have it.

Uh, Mr. President, sir,

it's a touch more
complicated than that.

What's complicated?

Well, it's just that...

You see, sir, it kind of

got out in the press
that you're both in.

What press?

Well...

When the deadline passed,

we called, uh, Hunt Langley
down at The Moose Call.

He said when this got around,
it would be national news.

Well, of course
it'll be national news.

Press will say I'm trying
to squash a bug.

You can rest assured, sir,

that not one of them
said anything like that. Did they, Stu?

No, sir.
None of them said that.

Couple of them called
it David and Goliath,

but none of them
said that.

What do you mean "them"?
Who's them?

NBC.
CBS.

FOX. It was
really exciting.

Uh...
(GASPS)

Wait, are you telling me
the entire country

thinks that I'm running
for mayor

against the man
installing my toilets?

But, sir,
you said "Eagle's word."

Aw, hell!

Stop eating
the fertilizer.

Go on over there.

WOMAN:
Look, it's the president!

MAN:
He's here!

Which car is he in?
Oh, yeah, he's here.

(BELL DINGS)

Company's coming,
and Bruce is out again.

What is this?

Uh, that's Bruce
the Moose, sir.

It's a rescued animal.
Handy's pet.

Shouldn't it be
in a zoo?

(BELL DINGS)

Afternoon, Mr. President.
Oh, hello, Handy.

Can we help you
with anything?

Is everything okay
with that water heater?

Everything is fine.
I just wondered if you had a minute.

Hey, I'm Bob.

I'm working
for you, too.

Bob, nice to see you.

I'm sorry, Mr. President.
Bob, Martha and Irma.

Mr. President.
Martha.

Irma.
Paint.

Pipes.
Wood products.

Like your last two
Cabinet appointments.

(CHUCKLES)

Handy, aren't you gonna
introduce me?

Oh, uh, sorry.
This is Mandy.

Hi.

Mandy and Handy, uh...
how cute.

Oh...

Uh, could we speak
privately for a moment?

Yeah, sure. What...

That's my office
right over there.

Outstanding.

Excuse me.

I have a private meeting
with the president.

(LOW TRILLING)

Iguana on
your left, sir.

(LAUGHS)

Ooh, what a dump.

Well, sir,

this is it.

Yeah. Oh, it's cozy.
Nice office. Yeah.

Thank you.

How can I help you,
Mr. President?

Well, Handy, as I'm
sure you know,

we've both put in for mayor.
No, I didn't know that, sir.

You didn't know that?
I mean, I knew that I put in.

I thought I was just doing
the town a favor, that's all.

And then, you know, I thought
I was running all by myself.

Well, as you can see, we
have a bit of a situation.

Yeah, I... It's... Hmm.
We got a bit of a pickle here.

Bit of a pickle, exactly.

So I was thinking that
one of us should withdraw.

Now, I would be happy
if it were me.

Lord knows I have
nothing left to prove,

much less being
the mayor of anything,

but, uh, I have a PR problem.

Oh, oh. A PR prob...
Is it serious?

Well, it got out
to the press

that I had given my word.

Oh, yeah, right.

You know, "You have
the Eagle's word."

Right, like on TV. Mm-hmm.

TV. Exactly.

So, um, well, look, uh,

you're a golfer,
right?

Are you any good?

I get around.
I get around.

I'm like a ten handicap,
maybe, on a good day.

Ten? Me, too.
We should knock it around sometime.

Yeah, that would be an honor,
Mr. President.

Well, if you're trying to make
a name for yourself in golf,

you wouldn't,
uh, start off by...

Oh. Nice shot.

...challenging Tiger Woods.

No, you'd start small.

Local tournaments.

Uh, same in politics.

You don't start a political
career by running against

the former president
of the United States.

Fine.

Fine?

It was a privilege to run.

It's a privilege to withdraw.

(DOOR OPENING)

Well, it's settled.
What's settled?

It turns out we both put in
for mayor, so I just withdrew. Chicken.

I'm glad I could help
with that PR problem, sir.

Bruce is out of his pen again.
Did anybody happen to notice that?

No, he probably
chewed through the rope.

Bob, why don't you
put him back.

SALLY:
I already did it.

Oh...

Excuse me,
I'm sorry.

Sally, the president.

We just had a meeting.

Yeah, we met last night,
when I was being stood up.

Um, look.

I'm sorry
if I was rude to you.

I-I'm...
I'm really embarrassed.

Rude?
Don't be silly. No.

In fact, what you said helped
convince me to be mayor.

Really?

So you're going to do it?

You're going
to be our mayor. Great.

It is, isn't it?

I'm so glad
I ran into you.

You know, I've decided
to get a dog.

Oh, I thought you
already had a dog.

Well, yes, I do.

A great animal.
A, uh, Shitzu.

Westie.

Uh, Westie
needs a friend,

and I thought if
you were available,

uh, let's say, oh,
tomorrow night,

perhaps, uh, we
could discuss it

over, uh, dinner.

Dinner?

(CLEARS THROAT)

Yeah. I could
really use

your, uh, professional
advice on this.

Really? My advice?

Mm-hmm.

Uh, okay.
Well, yeah.

Dinner would be fine.

Great, looking
forward to it.

My people will get in touch
with your people.

I don't have people, but
I could give you my number. Uh-huh.

Uh, well, my people
will get your number

and, uh, we'll
set up a time.

And I'm sure whatever time
we do set, you'll be on time.

MONROE:
Absolutely.

Looking forward to it.

See you on the links, sir.

And thanks again
for being so helpful.

Yeah, right.

(DOOR BELL TINKLES)

You mean rolling over.

Sally...

You know,
Bruce is a baby.

Babies like
to chew things like rope.

Um...

Ooh-ooh.

Okay.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Sally...

uh, is it me, or did you

just get asked out
by that president guy?

Yes, I think I did.

Probably couldn't
chew through this, right?

And-And is it me,
or did you just say

yes to the president guy?

Yes, I think I did.

Look-Look, Sally.

I'm sorry
that I was late, okay,

but you can't
date the president because of that.

Do you really think
that's the reason?

Why, then?

Why not?

Here, use this.

(DOOR BELL TINKLING)

Shut up!

(DOOR BELL TINKLING)

Sally, I want to talk to you!

Sally, I want to talk!

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)

MONROE:
It was very nice of you.

WOMAN:
Say "bye-bye," honey.

Mr. President!

Yes, Handy,
what is it?

(HORN HONKING)

Mr. President!

Thank you
very much.

Uh-huh.

I can't do it, sir.

I can't drop out
of the mayor race.

Excuse me?

I... I don't have
the Eagle thing like you,

but I'm a man
of my word, too.

And every man's
word's important, isn't that true?

Does he want money?
What-What-What is it?

If you stay in this race,

then I'm sure you're
going to slaughter me, but...

I'm running
for the mayor of Mooseport.

(SCREAMS)

Is he losing his mind?

(SIGHS)

(EXHALES)

What just happened?

You're running
against the president.

And your girlfriend's
dating him.

Mm-hmm.

I repeat, "Mm-hmm."

No, Larry,
the president has no comment.

No, no comment.
Thank you.

Uh, that's all the networks,
60 Minutes, and Larry King.

The handyman's girlfriend?

His girlfriend?
Why didn't you tell me?

I'm gonna look
like an idiot.

I tried to tell you,

Mr. President,
remember?

Well, why didn't you
try harder?

What am I supposed
to do now, apologize?

Back down?

You want call Bert Langdon?

For what?

I don't need
a campaign manager for this.

(PHONE RINGING)
Hello...

One second.
Mr. President?

Bert Langdon
on line one.

Bert, what a coincidence.
What's shaking?

BERT: That's what I was
gonna ask you, Eagle.

It's deader
than Nixon down here.

I'd be happy
to roll up my sleeves

and come up there
if you want.

Bert, I'm running
against my plumber.

Is there something
I don't know?

You watching FOX News?

The results
are quite interesting.

The poll, of course,
is preliminary,

but it does show Harrison
with surprising strength.

REPORTER:
There's an 8% margin of error, and it's still early,

but it looks to be very close.

ANCHOR:
Seems to me the president

has got himself
in a bit of a horse race.

Eagle, you with me?

REPORTER:
Don't you mean "moose race"?

BERT: Eagle!

Hey!

Oh-ho!

There she is.
Come on, let's go.

That's her, right there.

Sally!
Miss Mannis?

Are you Dr. Sally Mannis?
Yeah.

A couple questions
about Handy Harrison.

Hey! Watch it!

And now you're dating
the president?

No.

No, I'm not dating
the president.

It's one date.

I'm not even sure
you'd call it a date.

You wouldn't
call it a date?

What would you
call it, exactly?

Just a couple
more questions.

When did you meet?

When did he
ask you out?

Have you and the president
had sex yet?

For God's sakes.

(SHOUTING QUESTIONS)

MORRIS:
Think about it, Handy.

For our mayor, we could have

the president
of the United States.

What are you
trying to do to us?

Come on, guys, look.
You know he's gonna win.

Drop out,
you bastard!

Come on.
Thank you, Reuben.

And you better
keep an eye

on your speedometer, Harrison.

WORKERS: (CHANTING)
Handy! Handy!

MANDY:
Hi, Daddy.

What's this? Come on.
Aw, what's going on?

What's it look like?
You're campaigning.

WORKERS:
Handy! Handy!

Hey, guys. Come on.

Hey, Handy.

Do you like it?

That's... yeah.

Uh, all right, guys,
thank you very much,

and the moose hat
and everything, but, Irma,

we discussed this,
huh?

I'm not campaigning.
I'm not.

(SIGHS)

What?

Do you care about
Sally or not?

No...

Look, her going out
with him is just...

it's a casual...

Call it postmenopausal
intuition,

but just my opinion,

lose this election,
lose Sally.

Mm-hmm.

It's not gonna go
anywhere, okay?

He's, like,
20 years older than me.

He's the president.

So?

Power takes ten years
off a man, Handy.

Rich, another ten.

By the time
you figure he's in great shape and you're not,

he's younger
than you are. Mm-hmm.

(SCOFFS)

So, you want to
campaign or not?

Mm-mm!

Mm-mm-mm-mm.

"Better shape."

I know I can
kick your ass!

BULLARD:
Up and running.

So, how do we kick
this thing off, Bert?

Top priority, obviously,
is to keep him presidential.

Just pound these
moose worshipers

with what his
unbelievable experience can bring to them.

Look, if they think about
it for half a second,

Harrison can't bring
even a fraction of what he brings.

Whatever he is.

And what
exactly is he?

Preliminary research says

that he is something that

actually we've
never faced before, Mr. President.

And that is...?

He's a genuinely
honest man, sir.

Oh, come on, Grace.

All that means is,
he's never run for public office.

(LAUGHS)

What do you got, Bert?

FBI, CIA, nothing.

But this turned up
in the local paper.

And, uh, that's it?

That's it.
We're running

against the
pie-eating champ.

(CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES)

And think about this:

He runs for mayor,

but only when he
thinks he's unopposed.

He dates the same woman
for six years,

but he never
pops the question.

What's wrong
with this picture?

Well, he won't take risks.

He won't make
a commitment.

And any man who
won't make a commitment

shouldn't be mayor
of anything.

That's good.
How do we get that out?

Whisper campaign,
at first.

Then radio.

And eventually, we'll have
to have some TV spots.

Shouldn't get
too expensive, but...

GRACE:
Mr. President.

I'm sure you don't
want to hear this.

But would
the easiest thing be...

Should we discuss
a withdrawal?

Withdrawal?

Grace!

He's the Eagle.

Eagle Cole has never run away
from anything in his life!

Not to mention
what it would do to his finances.

Finances?
Yeah, book deals,

corporate boards,
library fund-raising.

You quit, or, God help
us, lose to a plumber,

we can kiss
those deals good-bye

faster than you can say
"Roto-Rooter."

Mr. President,
this is not about Mooseport.

It's about winning.

It's about spending

three million dollars
to protect 20.

Well, maybe I should commit
to that speaking tour.

(CLEARS THROAT)

I-I, uh...

I-I had to
cancel that, sir.

You... You what?

It-It seemed obvious.

It was right in the middle
of the campaign.

That was millions of dollars.

Well, sir, there is
still that offer from the Soova Motors people.

Bullard,
the ex-president

of the United States
cannot do car commercials.

Oh. But have you seen
the car, Mr. President?

Look at this.

It's snappy styling,
snappy president, and...

Bullard?

Aw, it's
smooth handling, leather interior.

Bullard, get out.
Get out.

GRACE: I'll handle
the money, Eagle.

Uh, I'm sure that
with the library pledges,

something will turn up.

May I stay now, sir?

Go in the corner,
out of my eye line.

Thank you, sir.

(CLEARS THROAT)

I can still see you.

Yes, sir.

What about the girl?

What about this Sally-Handy,
Sally-Eagle wank-off?

He'll have to cancel
the date.

Whoa, whoa.
No, he can't cancel the date.

You said it, Bert.

The Eagle doesn't back down.

You clear up what
I didn't know

and when I didn't know it,
I'll be fine.

Should I draft a press
release, Mr. President?

Uh, yeah.

Oh! Oh, no. No. Um...

Call the press,
have 'em over here first thing in the morning.

And then get
Handy Harrison here to fix the toilet.

You see where I'm going
with this, or do I have to draw you a picture?

No, I see it,
Mr. President.

I'm on it.

GRACE:
Let's get to work.

(CHUCKLES)

(LAUGHS)

Coming in.

Let's go. Let's go.

Move on through.
Move on.

Oh, boy.

Uh-huh, looks
like an ambush.

Oh, boy.

Handy! Handy, what are
your policies about the...?

Handy, how much is...?

(REPORTERS CLAMORING)

Mr. President?

Mr. President?

Folks, I-I need a word
with Mr. Harrison.

Good morning, Handy.

Morning, Mr. President.

Uh, you got
toilet trouble, right?

(CHUCKLING)
Yeah. Handy, um...

I want to make it clear that
when I asked Miss Mannis out,

I had no idea that you
two had a relationship.

And even though
I find it reprehensible

for any man to interfere
in an ongoing romance...

Me, too.

(LAUGHING)
Yeah.

I also believe

that a woman's heart is
hers and hers alone to give.

Ah. Yeah.

That's a good point.

Mm-hmm. So, I asked
Sally out in ignorance,

and, uh, she
agreed to go.

And until she tells me
to stand down,

I intend to see her.

Fair?

Call him a horndog.

What'd she say?
What'd she say? Horndog?

Well, uh...

if it's okay with you, sir,
I'd like to chew on that a bit.

Okay.

Okay, you chew on that,
and, um...

if you find
that you can't swallow it,

you let me know,
and I'll give you the Heimlich maneuver, okay?

Pretty good, sir!
Come on in here and fix these toilets.

Are we going to see
a date, Mr. President? Where are you taking her, sir?

I don't know what you're gonna
see, to tell you the truth.

And thank you so much.
Thank you.

Thank you very much,
ladies and gentlemen.

I'm in a great mood.
Do we have any ice cream?

Absolutely, sir.
And I think

we found a way to solve
your money problems.

Really?
Yes.

Voila.

That's it?

Nothing to it.

You save three
million dollars.

And look,
still beautiful.

Excellent. Excellent.
Uh, don't even miss it.

Okay, everybody,
let's get back to work.

Right away, sir.

Son of a bitch.

Sally!

Plunger, you stay
off the couch.

Hello.
Hello?

Hey. Hey, it's me.

What's up? Uh...

What are you doing?
You wanna go do something?

Want to see a movie
or something?

You know I have
plans tonight.

I... Oh! That's right.
That's right. I forgot.

Tonight's the night
you got, uh...

you got a date
with the President of the United States.

Uh-huh.

You see this?

"Local vet finds romance
with past president."

Ew. Where'd they get
that picture?

Yeah. Well, there it is,

next to the president,
right on the front page.

So, what about later?
I mean, you know,

he must go to bed at,
like, 8:30. Right?

So, there's supposed to be
a meteor shower at 11:00.

That could be cool.

It'll have to be
another time.

All right. It's not gonna
happen for 240 years.

But okay, I'll pencil that in.

Like, uh...
You gotta...

You gotta tighten these.

Okay, look,
if you're doing

all this
to... to get me jealous,

it's worked, okay?

So, could you stop it?
Huh? Please?

Could you just cancel
the date

with the president?

So, that's Wednesday.
Then Thursday...

Come in, come in,
come in.

Thank you, sir.

Uh, Thursday
I thought

that you could interview
some of the ghostwriters.

Aw, great, great,
great, great.

Where are you taking her?

(CHUCKLES)
The Pig and the Whistle.

The only
steak house in town.

Supposed to be
quiet, intimate.

Do you know it?

It's Pig 'n' Whistle.
No. (CHUCKLES)

What do I eat?

I mean, what do I
talk about?

Do I have anything
in common with this girl?

She's a veterinarian.

Why don't you talk
about mad cow disease?

Don't, by the way, order meat.

Why not?

It's just a guess,

but she might not appreciate
your wolfing down

the animal she spent all day
trying to save.

(LAUGHS)

Good point.

Come on. Wh...

What-What? Do you...

Do you really actually
like this guy?

He wants to talk to me
about dogs.

So, why you all
dressed up, then?

Because he's the president.

Well, then why you wearing
black underwear?

Were you looking up
my dress?

(WHIMPERING)

Yeah, I was.

Ow!

Oh, get over yourself.
I hardly touched you.

How many times
do I gotta tell you

how strong you are?

You knuckled my bone.
(GASPING)

Listen, explain to me
the underwear choice, all right?

Because if you're
not attracted... I don't believe this.

What difference does it make
what color my underwear is?

It's an unconscious
indicator

of your subconscious
intentions.

Okay. Um...

How you feel about the pink?

No.
No.

Um, how about these?

No.
No?

Uh... these?

All right.
Or do you like

any of these?
I don't.

We're going
to Sears tomorrow. Or these?

I'm telling you right now.

Oh! Remember these?

Yeah. That we're
locking up, okay?

Or you know what?

I could always go
with none at all.

I wonder what that
would indicate.

Sally.

Sally!
Put some pants on!

(PHONE RINGS)

Hello.
Handy's Hardware.

Hello, Pig 'n' Whistle.

IRMA: No, this is
Handy's Hardware.

Good. I'd like to confirm
a reservation, please.

Uh, you have
the wrong number.

GRACE: Yes, I know.

For President Monroe Cole.

Strictly confidential,
of course.

Confidential?

Eight o' clock.
For two, yes?

Well, I'll be buggered
by a bear.

Uh, yes, you will.

Look forward to
seeing you there.

(DIAL TONE)

(REPORTERS CLAMORING)

(HORNS HONKING)

HANDY:
This feels wrong.

And pushy.

And him making her
his booty poodle isn't?

Oh. You have to stop
saying that. Please.

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Thank you.

To new friends.

(CROWD CLAMORING)

Lots of them.
MAN: Right here, Mr. President.

This way,
Mr. President.

Sorry about the gaggle.

I just can't believe
they hound you like this.

Ah, you get used to it.

They're kind of like pigeons,
you know?

You throw them a crumb
once in a while and...

Hello!

Thank you, sir.

Hi, Mom.

Out with the president.

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS)

Hm, hm, hm.

Aw, that's great.

Are we ready yet?

Uh... uh...

I hope you're hungry.

Uh, I could eat
a horse... radish!

Horseradish.

Sally?
Uh, I'm... I'm not sure yet.

You go first,
Mr. President.

Monroe, please.

Monroe.

Let's see. So much
to choose from here.

Um... I'll have
the baked potato.

Mmm. All right.

Sour cream and butter
and Baco Bits. Vegetarian!

Hmm!

Baco Bits.

Uh, I'll have
the endive salad and a T-bone.

(CHOKES)

Sometimes you just want
a steak, right?

(LAUGHING)
Yeah.

(CHUCKLES)

MARTHA:
No turning back.

Get in there.
Just go...

Hey, hey, Harrison,
hold on a minute.

What's wrong?

Ma'am?
IRMA: Why can't we go in?

WOMAN: Uh-oh.
All right. Okay.

IRMA: Go. Go on.

HANDY: Okay. All right.

What's going on?

HANDY: Hi.

Uh... sorry.

Everybody, sorry
to interrupt. I was just...

I wanna let
everybody know

that I'm gonna be running
for mayor,

and I'd appreciate
your votes.

So I'll just
hand these out,

and I'll get out
of your way. Here you go.

MAN: I'm voting
for the president.

Hi. Well, good
evening, folks.

It's a nice
night, isn't it?

IRMA: Handy for mayor.

Yeah. Running for mayor.
Hey. Huh, you got yours?

Hi. Hi, Shelly. Hi.

Handy for mayor.
Appreciate it, Irma.

Hey. Just wanna remind people
that I'm running for mayor.

Yeah, we heard you before.

You know, instead
of interrupting everybody's dinner,

why don't you two
have a debate?

Debate?
MAN: Yeah!

Have a debate.

HANDY: No, we're not
gonna have a debate.

I'm not gonna bother
the president with that.

Oh, no, no,
a debate's fine by me.

Hey, you see?
Yeah!

Now?

Well, now is not
the time or place, Handy.

But, uh,
let's say, uh, the town hall,

Tuesday night.
That's a great idea.

All right, well,

I'll think about it.
Of course he will.

WOMAN: It'll be fun!
Tuesday, town hall. Great!

Okay. All right. You're on.

Okay, why don't we let

everybody get back
to their dinner?

All right.

I'll... I'm gonna
go in the bar.

You know,
maybe there's people

that are drunk enough
to vote for me in there.

This is terrific.

Good idea.

(DINERS MURMURING)

What are you mentioning
a debate? I'm not gonna...

That's all right.
You'll be fine.

I can't talk, I can't even
talk to you, I'm not gonna...

You will be fine.
Oh, come on.

All right, look, I'm
gonna stay. You go. Go.

All right.
Hand these out.

Take the truck home,
all right?

Put it...
Put some gas in it.

Hey. Hi, everybody.

Uh, sorry to interrupt.

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Everything all right?

Uh, yes.

Um, would you excuse me
for just one minute?

Yes, certainly.

And don't get up.

I kind of know
what everybody...

Handy, get the hell
out of here.

Now, Sally, I have
the right to campaign.

Campaign? You're making
a fool of yourself.

Well, welcome to politics.

Discreetly. Discreetly.

What's in it?

They're, uh...

It's beyond me, sir.

What?
Should I get it to the FBI?

Yes. No. No, no, no.

Here she comes.
(CHITTERING)

REPORTER:
Mr. President!

Watch your step,
Mr. President.

It's going well,
don't you think?

Mr. President, sir,
I've been thinking.

I suggest
a handshake, sir.

What?

Yes, sir.
It's your first date. I think that a handshake...

Grace, Grace,
I'm doing great here.

I think you're
underestimating me.

REPORTER:
Mr. President?

Are you gonna
see her again?

Mr. President?

Sally, is he
a gentleman?

Sally, over here.
How'd the date go?

Have you officially
dumped Handy, Miss Mannis?

Whoa!

Was that a meteor?

There's supposed to be
a shower tonight.

Ah. Maybe it's
a good omen.

(CHUCKLES)
(CHUCKLING) Huh?

I just want to apologize
again for Handy.

I certainly did not tell him
where we were going tonight.

I understand totally.

Well...

Good night.

(CROWD MURMURING)

I, uh...

REPORTER:
Oops!

(REPORTERS GROANING LOUDLY)

Yes!

REPORTER:
Just a handshake?

(CROWD MURMURING)

(BLOWS KISS)

(GULPING)

A little rusty there,
Mr. President?

BOB:
Mr. President?

Crash and burn, man!

(CROWD MURMURING)

(GROANS)

Okay, here it is again.

The President goes in
for the kiss.

Out comes her hand.

And no, thank you,
Mr. President.

Yeah! Let's get
this guy another beer.

ANCHORMAN:
All right, let's go to Jaycee

for some more
local opinion. Jaycee?

JAYCEE: Thanks, Daryl.
Yes, we do have

some people here tonight.
So, what did you think?

Oh, wait. Guys, guys, guys.
Hey. Hey.

He was pushed.
He missed all her signals.

JAYCEE:
Ooh. And you, sir?

The president?

(CHUCKLING)
Loser.

(LAUGHING)

That's me!

(CROWD CLAMORING)

The president got vetoed.

(TV AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
ANCHOR: Can you believe it?

Definitely
the cold shoulder.

Cold shoulder.

PHILBIN:
The president lost that one.

Do I hear lame duck?

Turn it off. All right?
Just-just turn it off!

Come on. Turn it off.

Turn it off. Will you...?
Here, Mr. President.

(TURNS TV OFF)

(CLEARS THROAT)
GRACE: There. It's off.

Well, how do we fix this?

We don't.
We concentrate on substance.

We get rid
of this debate.

What's wrong with a debate?

Well, putting him
on the stage with you

gives him
credibility, Eagle.

And he can be
funny, sir.

Funny is
your weakness.

(MONROE GRUNTS)

Not... Not weakness.

Uh...

Uh, uh... lesser...
strength.

Oh, get out!

Out of your eye line?
Or-or the room...

Just get out! Out!

Dyer, Cloud,

break his leg.

Yes, sir.
Yes, sir.

They know I'm kidding,
don't they?

I'm kidding!

I'm just kidding!

♪ She didn't kiss
the president

(CLATTERING)
♪ Of the United States... ♪

Sally! Sally!

Sal!

All right, I'm coming.

Stay there.

Froggy.
Green Boy.

What...

Wha...

(QUIETLY)
Sally!

Sally!

Come on!

The frog is empty.

There's nothing in it...

except frog.

(YELLS)

Got a rock particle
in my eye now.

My eye hurts.

I need a hug.

Sally, just...

For a little bit,
we're gonna talk.

(GRUNTS)

Ow!

Wha... This...

This was a joke.

It was a...
a bad joke.

It's a little bit... funny.

Go to sleep,

and maybe...

maybe we'll meet
in our dreams.

Like may...

Like you can
connect a Nintendo

from one player
to the next player.

I'm blowing you a kiss.

It's by the window.

And you...
Tomorrow get it

when you wake up.

You brush your teeth,
and then you go get it.

All right.

I'm going home.

I hurt my eye.

Home.

Feed my doggie.

MAN:
Hey, Julie, wait up!

(HORNS HONKING)

(EXCITED MURMURING)

MAN:
Good evening, fellas.

MORRIS:
Testing, testing.

Uh, can y'all
hear me?

Sally!

Hey, Dina.

What took you?

Would you stop sweating?

It goes with
hyperventilating.

We're all set, Eagle.

You'll be stage right,
showing your best side.

Talking points,
issue cheat sheets.

Wherever possible, tell 'em
about your experience.

Demonstrate all the resources
that you can bring to Mooseport.

I'm not afraid of you.

I can't feel my feet.

Your feet are fine.

I can't feel them.

Don't be a weenie.
Now, shape up.

How... Is my hair
sticking up?

You look...
Turn around.

Put it...
Put it down already.

Okay, shut your eyes,
baby.

Shut your eyes.

(COUGHS)
Stop it! Stop...

(GAGS)
Look at it, Handy.

Motels are full.
Stores are packed.

Do you realize
that this is

Mooseport's first traffic
jam since... ever!

We gotta have
a second debate.

How about it?
No!

Mr. President!
Hey, y'all! Come on. Let's go.

I'm... My nose is making
a whistling noise.

(AUDIENCE MURMURING)

(CHEERING)

MAN:
Hey, Handy!

(FEEDBACK SQUEALS)
(CROWD GROANS)

Sorry.

(CLEARS THROAT)

My fellow Americans,

welcome to the first of two
televised mayoral debates.

In the grand ol' Mooseport
tradition,

a game of Rock,
Paper, Scissors

will determine who will answer
questions first. Gentlemen.

WOMAN:
Show 'em how it's done now.

Handy.
Mr. President.

MAN:
Eagle!

You know the rules.

Rock. Paper. Scissors.

Okay? On the count
of three.

MAN:
Go get 'em, Eagle!

One... two... three.

(ALL GROAN)

Rock, rock. Tie.
Go again.

(CROWD CHATTERING)
Pick paper!

I'd choose scissors!
MORRIS: Okay?

WOMAN: Pick a rock.
MAN: Come on, focus.

MAN 3:
Good luck, Mr. President!

One, two, three...

Oh, paper, paper.
Tie. Go again.

(CROWD GROANING,
SHOUTING SUGGESTIONS)

Rock.

(SHOUTING VARIOUS SUGGESTIONS)

MAN:
Focus! Focus!

One, two, three!

(CHEERING)

Oh, come on!

Rock breaks scissors.

The president wins!

(CHEERING)

I am now prepared
to entertain questions from the floor.

CLAY:
I got one!

Clay?

Uh, some of them environment
people have taken

to calling Ned Barker's
pond a wetlands.

Now, I've been fishing there
for 30 years.

What's gonna happen?

MAN 1: What's gonna happen?
MAN 2: Good question.

COLE:
Clay,

I was the most environmentally
conscious president

since Teddy Roosevelt.

Human population
will not threaten

wildlife in this area
for 200 years, if ever.

So you go right on fishing
in that pond

and if anybody
tries to stop you,

you send them
to me, all right?

(CHEERING)

Right on, Mr. President!

Handy?

Come on, Handy.
Come on.

That's well put,
Mr. President.

It sounds good to me.

(AUDIENCE MURMURING)

(SCATTERED APPLAUSE)

Aw, Handy, come on.

FRANCIS:
My turn! My turn!

Morris! Over here!
Over here!

Uh, Francis?

Uh, for ten years now
we have needed a stop sign

in front of
Lucy Decker's house.

Nah, nah, nah.

And she has done everything

except burn down city hall
to stop it.

If elected,
what will you do about it?

First off, I would convene

a commission to, uh,
study the problem.

I would appoint a blue-ribbon
panel of traffic specialists,

right-of-way attorneys and

the Army Corps of Engineers
to assess the situation

and make recommendations.

I would spare no effort
to make our streets

the safest in the world.

(CHEERING)

Oh...
MAN: Get 'em, Eagle!

Handy, your turn.

MAN:
Gotta go for it!

That's well put,
Mr. President.

Lucy, let me ask you.
What's the problem?

Car headlights.

Ten years ago,
they tried a stop sign

and when cars
on Bay Street stopped,

their headlights stopped
right on my headboard.

(GROANS AND CHUCKLES)

Have you tried curtains?

Excuse me?

You know, blackout curtains,
for your windows.

You'll probably sleep
better anyway.

(AUDIENCE MURMURING)

Well, I'd try that.
Nobody ever suggested that.

Well, you come by the store
and we'll help you out.

I'll do that.

That's it, Handy.

You tell 'em!

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

MAN:
Attaway, Handy!

Dad! Dad!

Mandy Gutman.

Um, Dad, this is a question
for Handy. Is that okay?

Well, if the president
has no objection.

I reserve the right
to respond, but no objection.

Okay, Mandy.

MANDY:
Handy, I was just wondering,

now that Sally is dating
the president...

(GASPS)

does that mean
that you're available?

Okay, people,
can we keep the questioning

to the subject
of the election?

Uh, now I think Joe had
a question somewhere--

Actually, Morris, I'd like
to address the issue, if I might.

Thank you.

Uh, thanks, Mandy,
for that question.

Sally, I know...

I-I might not be
the best boyfriend, but...

Look, I thought we had
a good thing going here.

And you got to know how much
I care about you, right?

(CROWD MOANS SYMPATHETICALLY)

Why else you think I got
so mad about the underwear with the president?

(GASPS)
REPORTER: Tell us about the underwear!

Was it a thong?

HANDY:
No, no, no, no, no.

No. It's just...
It's a color thing.

Sally, what's the deal?

Are you going out
with him or me?

MAN:
Go for the eagle!

WOMAN:
Sally, pick the president.

CROWD: (CHANTING)
Eagle! Eagle!

Stop it!

Stop it!

MAN 2:
Come on, Sally, choose Handy!

REPORTER:
Which one is it gonna be?

CROWD: (CHANTING)
Handy! Handy!

Sally!

Sally.

Excuse me. Excuse me.
Look out.

(CHANTING CONTINUES)

Sally! Sally! Sally.

Are you crazy?

Look, you didn't
answer the phone

and you took the key
out of the frog.

I can't believe you did that.
I just can't. I can't believe you.

How about what
I said up there? Doesn't that mean anything?

I heard you talking
about my underwear

in front of the whole
town, yes, I did.

The whole country.
That's how much I care.

Wait a minute.
You didn't answer the question.

What question?

Is it me or him?

Is it me or your new truck?

Don't try to make this
about me, Handy.

It's about you.

How? How is that
about me? How...

(REPORTERS CLAMORING)

Man, she pushed
you right down.

Yeah, she's stronger than me.

It's not about me.
It's about you.

How? How is it about me?

(GRUNTING)

REPORTER:
Well, you heard it here first.

It looks like Sally
is going to cast her ballot

in favor of the president.

I'm Christy Adams, TVNN News.

(LAUGHING)

Yeah, baby,
you're going down.

So, what do you think?

Should I set up
another date, or what?

Why not?

Excuse me.

Grace?

Grace?

Well, what's her problem?

BERT: Maybe she saw
the numbers.

You may have done
all right with the girl,

but the debate
was a disaster.

What are you talking about?
This is impossible.

It's a small town, Eagle.

The rules are
different here.

Uh... well, you guys
are the hotshots.

Brainstorm.

Well?

(CLEARS THROAT)

Uh... sir...

(CLEARS THROAT):
Uh, excuse me, Mr. President?

Yes?

We could eliminate him.

What?

You want to make it look
like a accident, of course,

but, uh, maybe his
brakes could go out.

Oh, my God.

Or he could slip
on an oil slick.

What, are you insane?

Uh, no, sir, I was...

I was just
brainstorming.

Did I misunderstand
the question?

Thank God you guys
are on our side.

Thank you, sir.
Thank you, sir.

(CHUCKLES)

Uh...

Hello.

Uh... small town politics.

(SIGHS)

I like three sugars.
You only need one.

I like three.
Three's unhealthy.

What's eating you?
Eating me?

Yes. Somehow
you seem irked.

Irked? Really?
Irked.

Really.

Well, actually
I am a little bit irked,

now that you mention it.

Would you like to know why?

Absolutely.

Sit down there, Grace,
and just tell me all about it,

okay?

Well...

When you...

When we first came
to live here...

Yes?
I...

BULLARD:
Excuse me, Mr. President.

Excuse me. Could we have
a minute here, please?

Sorry, Eagle,
we have an emergency.

COLE:
Unless somebody's dying, Bert, I don't want to hear about it.

It's Charlotte.

She's coming here.

CHARLOTTE:
Howdy. Handy for mayor.

Vote for Handy.
Go to court...

That's right. Uh-huh.

...get a restraining order.

Come on, people, we got
to do something about this.

The sure way, sir?

Dyer, this
is too smart for her.

Who thought of this?
It was him, wasn't it? Yeah.

Grace, I'll handle this.

CHARLOTTE:
Vote for Handy.

I had dignity once.

Does anybody remember that?

CHARLOTTE:
Handy for mayor.

(SHOUTING QUESTIONS)

Did Handy put
you up to this?

Hello, Monroe.
What brought you here?

Charlotte, hon, could we
talk in private, please?

This is as private
as I got for 20 years.

What's on your mind?

Well, sweetie, if, uh,
we could just talk alone,

I'm sure we could
work something out. Howdy. Handy for mayor.

Honeybunch, uh, could
we go inside, please?

Fine.

REPORTER:
Why do you think she's here, Mr. President?

Okay, Neil, that
ought to do it.

President's coming.

Better hide
the payroll benefits.

Charlotte, would you step
into my office?

Yes, dear.

Charlotte...

Married couples have
a shorthand, Monroe.

Ours is $9 million.

Nine?
I don't have it!

Twenty-five years.

A quarter of a century
I endured,

and now you're
pleading poverty?

You took the house.
You took the boat.

You've taken everything
but my title!

Hello, this is former

First Lady
Charlotte Cole.

I spent 25 years

with Monroe Cole, which is why

I'm supporting
Handy Harrison.

Yes,
you heard me.

I'm supporting
Handy Harrison.

Eagle?

(SCREAMS)

(SCREAMING)

Have I gotten through
to you, lambkins?

I never thought you'd stoop
this low, Harrison.

I thought this was going
to be a fair fight

between two honorable men,
but I can see now

that I'm up against somebody
who doesn't play by the rules.

No, I don't...
Have you no sense of decency, sir?

I'm sorry.
Talk about hitting below the belt.

Bringing a man's ex-wife
into it.

You're showing
your true colors, aren't you?

Hey!

I had nothing to do with it!

Mr. President?
Watch your back.

That's it. I've had it.

I want them both.

I want you to be thinking
about a way to do it, Dyer.

Coming through.
Sir.

Is he...
Is he serious? No! No! No!

'Cause I thought of...

Mr. President,
you want a fair fight? Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You just called me
dishonorable, sir, and-and-and I'm not.

So if it's a fair fight
you want,

just you and me,

I think I know the place.

You're on.

What are we doing
here, Harrison?

What are the stakes?
Mayor?

(CHUCKLES)

No, sir. Sally.

Loser backs off of Sally.

We're both
ten handicaps, sir. Sir?

Fair fight.

You're on.

Uh, sir, if I could
just talk to you for a quick second.

Show me the way.

BULLARD:
Sir, uh,

there's something
I'd like to discuss with you about your ga...

Eye line.

COLE:
Nice shot.

HANDY:
Thank you.

A little bit left.

Right where
I was aiming.

I might drive
the green.

(CHUCKLES)

(HORN HONKS)

Hello!

Wait for me!

What are you doing here?

Just making sure
a fair fight's fair.

Call them out,
Mr. Dyer.

I'm, uh, sorry, ma'am?

(WHISTLES)

Cloud!

You and your men
come on out!

Oh, shit.

Come on!
I know you're there!

All right, come on out.

Everyone onto the fairway.

Let's move.

On the fairway.
On the fairway.

CLOUD:
We're securing the perimeter, Mrs. Cole!

Secure it
from there, okay?

Yes, ma'am.

Stay in position.

Hit away, lambkins.

Wait. Wait.
Wait for the bounce.

Damn. Take a mulligan.

We're playing
for a woman, sir.

There's no mulligans.

What?
What do I do?

You've never hit a ball
out of bounds before?

Not since I was governor.

You hit another one
from here, shooting three.

Three?

Three.

HANDY:
One,

two... shooting three.

(CLEARS THROAT)
Excuse me, Mr. President?

What?

You can't beat him, sir.

What are you
talking about?

We're the same
handicap.

Well, your handicap
is augmented.

What are you
trying to say?

Well, it was really
Miss Sutherland's idea.

Uh, she had Dyer and Cloud
and occasionally me,

uh, we helped you

with lucky bounces
and scorecard fudging.

Uh, and you can't
beat him, sir.

Is there a problem?

No.

No problem.

Ah. That one's in.

Didn't quite
get it on the green.

(BITTER, WRY LAUGH)

I'll-I'll take it.

You two have helped enough.

(GOLF ANNOUNCER
SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)

(HUMMING)

Hi, Peggy.
Can I get a black coffee?

Sure.

Hello.

Hello.

Here you are, dear.

Thanks.

So I hear they're
golfing for mayor.

Actually...
they're golfing for you.

No.

Yeah.

No.
Mm.

Can I make this
an Irish coffee?

This okay?

Just...

(CLEARS THROAT)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

Oh, that's, uh, five.

(COUNTER CLICKS)

(COUNTER CLICKS)

That was a gimme.

No, no, no.
There are no gimmes.

It was inside the leather.

Yeah, you got to
get it in the hole.

(SIGHS)

(COUNTER CLICKS)

I'll take a seven.

Actually, it's 15.

Fifteen?

(CHUCKLES)
No way.

Yes, way.

Uh, the president
is right. It's seven.

Yeah, it was seven.

Well, let's count them.
Let's count them.

One, out of bounds.

Two, back on the tee.

Three, in the rough.

Four, in the sand.

Five, you missed completely.

Oh.
(CLICKS)

Six, uh, almost out of
the sand, but still in it.

Seven, finally, out of
the sand into that sand.

(CLICKS)

Eight, out of the sand
into the rough.

That's when you
threw your club at the tree.

Yeah, yeah.

Nine, you almost hit me.

Ten, you did hit me.

(GRUNTS)

(CLICKS)

Eleven, on the green.

Uh, 12, you putt
to six feet past the hole.

That's when you said
that curse that I've

never heard before.
(GRUMBLING)

Thirteen, you putt
to one foot from the hole.

Fourteen, you missed
the putt.

You said, "That's a gimme."

I said, "No,
there are no gimmes."

Fifteen, in the hole.

(SIGHS)

Fifteen.

SALLY: (LAUGHING)
That was so close.

GRACE: (LAUGHING)
Okay. All right.

Now...
Okay.

through... the sugars...
Mm-hmm.

And then around
the saucer... Mm-hmm.

And through
the ketchup tunnel. Mm.

And the winner gets
Morris Gutman.

Married.

Oh. Kent.

(GRACE AND SALLY LAUGHING)

Are you just
trying to get me to throw the match?

(LAUGHING)

Reuben.

Who? Who's Reuben?
Reuben.

(LOUDLY) "I said
get the president!"

GRACE: (LAUGHING)
That's a great idea.

The winner...

BOTH: Gets Reuben.

Ready?

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Oh, my God.
That must mean a do-over.

COLE:
Okay, Handy,

you're up about
a million strokes.

It's the last hole.

How about double
or nothing?

What's double?
What's nothing?

(PANTING)
Well, nothing is, uh...

we're even. Tie.

Status quo.

Uh, double would be, uh,
I back off Sally,

drop out of the mayor's race.

You got it.

Okay. Go ahead.
You hit.

But, you know...

if I'm gonna risk, uh,
all that...

you gotta
give me something.

You-you got to, uh...

Oh, I don't know, uh...

What?

One throw.

Throw?

Yeah, I-I get one throw,
because I can't play you even.

You got local knowledge here.
You're killing me.

CHARLOTTE:
He can't throw, either.

Bury him.

Okay, you get one throw,
but...

if we tie... I win.

Well, you...
drive a hard bargain.

Okay.

COLE: (CHUCKLES)
Yeah, baby.

There's the
old form back.

Okay.

(BULLARD CLEARS THROAT)

(BIRD HOOTING SOFTLY)

HANDY:
What?

Hey. Wh-What are you doing?

Hey!

What's that?

I said one throw,
I didn't say whose ball.

(GASPS)

You're out of bounds.

Click, click, click.

(CHUCKLES)

(PHONE RINGING)

Morning, sir.

Everything all right?

Oh, just dandy.

I'm a ten handicap,
and I shot a 142.

You and I have to have
a serious talk

about my handicap,
Miss Sutherland.

Now, Mr. President?

Later.

I heard you broke even.

At least you didn't lose.

The most humiliating
round of my life.

Time to take
the gloves off, Bert.

Let's bury this guy.

Well, sir,
he's clean as a whistle.

Oh, come on.
Surely he did something.

Uh, knocked up a local?
Grew marijuana?

(CHUCKLES):
Hell, I grew marijuana.

We'll find dirt, Eagle,
even if we have

to make it up.

Exactly.

I don't believe this.

What?

Mr. President...
(CLEARS THROAT)

I'm giving my notice.
Your notice?

Yes. I can't work
here any longer.

Are you drunk,
for God's sakes?

We've been together 15 years.

Yes, exactly.

And in all that time,

you have never once
gone negative,

at least not first.

And you have never,
ever stooped to threats or... harassment.

Grace, he brought in
Charlotte.

Charlotte. If that's
not harassment, what is?

Mr. President,
you have two days...

two hours and 21 minutes

until this election is over,

and then... I'm gone.

What's that?

I think she quit, sir.

Not that. That.

Oh, this? It's the new poll.

Five points.

Five?

Down.

What's the sample size?

Well, come on, Bert,
what's the sample size?

Everybody.

Everybody?
This is a disaster!

Not to pile on, sir,
but I'm worried

about the book deals, too.

COLE:
Aw, crap!

It's like some
mythic Greek puzzle.

The riddle of the handyman.

Somewhere, the answer.

Sir, let's not panic.
This isn't over.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

What's wrong with us?

BOTH: What?

I'll give it to him.
It's that simple.

Wait, you don't mean quit.

You can't quit, Eagle.

No, I wouldn't be quitting.
That's the beauty of it.

I'll-I'll say
how qualified he is,

how he's the best man
for the job,

and tonight at the debate,
I'll throw him my support.

And if I win, I win,
but if I lose,

it's because I made
the most magnanimous gesture

in political history.

And people took my advice.

It's brilliant, sir.

Thank you.

And then I'd
get the girl, uh...

Uh...
Sally.

Sally. Right.

Sally, hey, hi.
I'm-I'm here. (BARKS)

I'm-I'm...

getting ready for the debate.
Oh.

You... want to come in?

No, I'm gonna get going.

(DOG WHINES)
See ya.

Well, hold it.
What... what's going on?

What's all this stuff?

(SIGHS):
Oh...

I, um...

I won Reuben
in a putting contest,

so I have to make room
for some of his stuff.

You... what?

I know.

I mean, can you imagine

someone actually playing golf
to win a person?

No. Look...

No. Don't insult me by
trying to defend this,

'cause if I let myself
dwell on it,

I am really gonna
just lose it.

But look, Sally,
it wasn't... easy. I said no.

I just want to settle this
amicably, okay?

There's your stuff.

My stuff? Well...

Hold on, hold on.
This is yours.

Remember?

From me.

Christmas.

Don't you remember,
it was...

that was the year
the power went out.

We had that
big snowstorm, and...

and we were so frustrated.

We couldn't turn this on

and watch it.

And the power came back,
and we turned it on, and...

and you looked
so beautiful

by the light of it.

And then we...

you know...

by the light of it.

I remember.

And then we stayed up
all night and talked.

Yeah. Yeah.

Do you remember
what we talked about?

(MOUTHING) No.

The future.

We talked about
the future, Handy.

Sally, wait.

I don't want to wait anymore.

Good luck at the debate.

Are you coming?

She's not coming.

(CROWD CHATTERING)

All right, guys, that's it.

Two minutes.
We go in two minutes.

Two minutes,
Mr. President.

Excuse me, sir.

My hands are shaking.
I can't even go to the bathroom,

I'll pee all over the place.
Relax, honey.

I'm not ready for this.

Two minutes, Handy.

Yeah. Thanks.
Be on your toes.

Be sharp. You may have
won the first debate,

but he's a python.

Gentlemen,
I believe we're ready.

It's starting!

TV ANNOUNCER:
Live from the seaport town

of Mooseport, Maine,
the mayoral debates

with your candidates,
Monroe "Eagle" Cole

and Harold "Handy" Harrison.

We take you now to your
moderator, Avery Hightower.

(FANFARE PLAYING)

Good evening.
I'm Avery Hightower.

(APPLAUSE AND WHISTLING)

I am honored

to moderate
the second and final Mooseport mayoral debate.

MAN: All right!

As is tradition,
we will start with a game

of Rock, Paper, Scissors.

Handy! Not scissors.

(LAUGHTER)

Gentlemen.

Uh, Mr. Hightower,
could I...

I'd like to make
a statement first,

if that's okay.

Mr. President?

Well, that's fine.
Uh, uh, I have a statement also.

Just... Okay? Thank you.
All right, yes. Gentlemen.

Hey. Hi, everybody.

AUDIENCE:
Hi! Hi, Handy!

I just want to
say one thing.

I'm a little embarrassed

about the way
I've been running my campaign.

AUDIENCE: Aw...

HANDY: An election,

it shouldn't be about
personalities, you know?

Or...

or golf...

(SCATTERED LAUGHTER)

Or who we're dating.

(MURMURING)

Sally, if you're
watching this...

I was wrong to bring
our relationship into this.

I'm sorry.

(SIGHS)
I guess I did it again.

I just brought
our relationship into it again.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

S-So I'm sorry for that...
too.

I guess
what I wanna say, folks, is...

I think an election
should be about the town.

It should be about...
what we need

and-and how
we can work together to get things done.

The president can do
great things for us.

Son of a bitch!

Having him as a mayor,

that's an opportunity
that we can't pass up, folks.

MAN: Yeah! That's right!

Tomorrow morning,

I'm going to the polls,

and I'm casting my vote
for the president,

Monroe Cole,

for the mayor of Mooseport.

Son of a bitch!

Ladies and gentlemen,

what you've just seen
is a selfless act.

(CHEERING)

Handy Harrison...

is Mooseport.

(CHEERING)

He is Mooseport.

He knows its problems.

He knows its pulse.

He knows its plumbing.

(LAUGHTER)

As only a person
who lives here can.

So tomorrow morning...

I'm going to the polls,

and I'm walking
into that booth

and opening that ballot,
that simple piece of paper

that our forefathers
gave their lives to secure...

(GRUNTS AND SIGHS)

...and I'm casting my vote
for Harrison.

(WOMAN YELLS)
Harold "Handy" Harrison!

Let's hear it.

(CHEERING)

(APPLAUSE, CHEERING
AND WHISTLING)

Man, he's good.
Mm-hmm.

(CHEERING AND WHISTLING
CONTINUE)

Well, what you've just seen,

ladies and gentlemen,
is politics at its finest,

politics as it should be.

(CHEERING)

You did good.

Harrison.

Hey, that was something,
Mr. President.

You son of a bitch!

You knew I was gonna do that,
so you did it first!

I didn't know that.
How could I know that? You bugged me!

And what we have
just witnessed here on this rare night...

Hey!
Bugged you?

You bugged me!
All right, Harrison, back off!

I'm not doing anything!

...is a show of decency.

Let me go!

A show of inclusiveness.

Ow, let go of my arm!

(PEOPLE YELLING)

A show of mutual respect.

Gentlemen! Gentlemen!
Gentlemen!

Let go of me!

It's time
to follow their example.

It is time to...

(YELLING)

Let go of me!

(SCREAMING)

BULLARD:
Mr. President, are you okay?

I'm gonna get it off,
Mr. President.

HANDY: Ow!

COLE: Get it off me!

JIM: So, Danny, you see
that debate last night?

DANNY: Did I?
Was anybody hurt? What?

JIM: Well, miraculously not,
apparently.

Only minor bruises
and abrasions.

DANNY:
Any idea what the heck happened back there?

JIM: Well, they're saying
it was a freak accident, little buddy.

DANNY: Yeah, very freaky.

JIM: Apparently,
the stage rigging just snapped

and fell on the candidates
while they were shaking hands.

DANNY: Wow. Well, you know
what we say...

DANNY AND JIM:
It's Mooseport.

Polls open
in 20 minutes, Mr. President.

DANNY:
How about a little music to vote by?

JIM: Good idea.

(MEDIUM-TEMPO
ROCK INTRO PLAYS)

♪ Why can't we be friends?

♪ Why can't we be friends?

♪ Why can't we be...

MAN: Morning, sir.

WOMAN:
Morning, Mr. President.

♪ Why can't we be friends?

♪ I'd kinda like
to be the president

♪ Oh, yeah... ♪

Cloud, uh, pull
over here, will you?

How's your nose?

It's okay.

How's your lip
and your back?

It's just the lip
and, uh, it's fine.

Well, I just assumed
your back hurt,

'cause, you know,
Irma jumping on it.

Well... see you
at the poll.

You want to hit a few?

What, uh, just hit them
in the water?

Yeah. It's, uh...

Martha's into scuba
and in the spring,

she puts on a wet suit
and she goes and gets them.

Somehow or another I can't
picture Martha in a wet suit.

Yeah, well, you're lucky.

I can't not picture it.

(LAUGHS)

All right.

HANDY:
Oh! You topped, pulled

and hooked it all in one.

Here. Let me show you.
Mr. President, you've shaken a lot of hands.

You...

Shake hands
with the club. Like this?

Yes. Now, just
look at the ball

and picture like it's
the former First Lady.

Just whack it.

You bloodsucking vampire!

(YELLS)

HANDY:
Wow!

You two had issues.

Oh, Jesus.

So, uh...

How come you
didn't ask her?

Ask her what?

You know.

Oh. Oh...

I don't know.
I probably should've.

Scared, I guess.

Well, marriage
is a scary thing.

I'd be the first one
to tell you that.

But once in a while, there
comes along that special girl.

No, I mean, that's just it.

I mean, she is special.

I just figured eventually
she'll find somebody else.

And, you know,
you always...

you always hope
that next guy will be some loser...

not the president.

Handy, on the 16th hole
of our match, you laid up.

Yeah.
Yeah.

I remember, I did.

You played it safe.

So? You ended up
in the water.

I never would've
been president of the United States

if I'd have laid up.

Sometimes you just gotta
go for the green.

Let's go vote.

MORRIS: Out of the way!
Here he is!

Here he comes!
Out of the way!

MORRIS:
Hank, get them out of the way!

Hold 'em back!

(REPORTERS CLAMORING)

Over here please,
Mr. President!

BULLARD:
Good morning, ladies and gentlemen...

No, no comments today.
There'll be no questions.

There'll be plenty of chances

to get some wonderful photos
as soon as he's ready.

REPORTER:
Please, one picture!

(REPORTERS CLAMORING)

BULLARD: Right here,
the pageantry of...

of democracy at work.
That's why we...

(CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY)

(CHUCKLES)

Once a politician...

Always a politician.

It's ten minutes
past the hour,

and there are
20 minutes left

before the polls close
in Mooseport, Maine.

With the former
president's campaign

spending millions on TV,
radio and print advertising,

it's an amazing feat
that Handy Harrison's grassroots campaign

still has them
neck and neck...

It was so beautiful.

(SOBBING)

Hello.

Spectacular, isn't it?

I was thinking about...

For once,
don't talk, please.

What?
Just listen. Okay?

Can you do that?

A long while back, my mom
asked me what I saw in you,

and you probably
find it hard to believe

that anybody could ask
such a thing, but she did.

I see a man I admire,
I told her.

A flawed man, certainly,
but a man with principles.

Since this Handy thing,

I've seen a man who only cares
about ego and power.

A man who will
stoop to anything

to win a position
he doesn't even want

from someone he probably
shouldn't even beat.

And... it angers me.
And it-it upsets me.

Oh, and mostly,
it just makes me sad.

Grace, look...

Because you used to be
better than that, Monroe.

You really were.

And that is no handshake,
you son of a bitch.

(WATER RUNNING)

Sugar, Mr. President?

Oh, uh...
three, please.

No, no, no.

One.

BULLARD:
Good morning, Mr. President.

Good morning.

Where's Grace?

I don't know, sir.

Could you find her, please?

Yes, sir.

Let's go.

Eagle, we gotta get moving.

They want you down in town
for the announcement.

Announcement?

I can't expose myself
to an announcement

without knowing who won.
They won't tell me, Eagle.

I've done everything
short of bribing them

with a year's supply of beer
and night-crawlers,

but I'll get down
there and work on it.

You get on that toga and get
down to that circus, Eagle.

Please, sir.

Sally, um...

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)

BOB:
Handy, you back here?

Uh, hey.

It's time, man.
Yeah, I know.

Come on. Don't you want
to find out if you won?

Or lost? Badly?

I'm gonna...
Yeah. Go ahead.

Nah, I'll wait for you.
I'm gonna meet you there.

I want to.
No, go.

You're my ride, man.

(SIGHS)
Come on!

Okay. All right.
Let's go.

(PLAYING PATRIOTIC MARCH)

FEMALE REPORTER:
In a few moments, former President Cole

and Harold "Handy" Harrison
are due to arrive.

Will big politics
and big money carry the day?

Or will the little man
prevail?

We shall soon see.
MORRIS: Testing.

Testing. Testing.

Oh. Uh, we're just about
ready to start.

And, uh... I think I see
the president coming now!

Woo-hoo!

(BAND PLAYING)

And... Oh, there's Handy.

(BARKING)

Hey.

Hey. Did you see Sally?
No.

When you see her,
just let me know, okay? Okay. Okay.

Mr. President, Handy,
please come up here, okay?

Sir, the yellow speech
is if you win.

Okay.
The blue one is if you, uh...

Should I get out
of your eye line, sir?

Ah, come on, Bullard.

Hey, how you doing?

How you doing?

(BAND CONTINUES PLAYING)

(WHISTLING)

MAN:
Handy, you're the man!

WOMAN:
We need you, Mr. President!

In the 240-year history
of our fair Mooseport,

there has never been
a more exciting mayoral race.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Mr. President.
Handy.

My fellow citizens,
the new mayor of Mooseport is...

(DRUMROLLS)

Monroe Cole!

(CHEERING)
(BAND PLAYS)

Congratulations.
Oh. Thank you.

As I'm sure
you all know,

this was Mooseport's
largest election turnout ever.

How big a margin?

Tight. Real tight.

But the win's the thing.

It was so close.

Well, that's something, right?

Yeah.
Yeah.

In the end,
the president won by one vote!

You won by one vote.
(CROWD MURMURING)

One vote? Oh, my God.

MORRIS: It doesn't
get any closer.

Wow.

MORRIS:
Ladies and gentlemen...

One vote.

...the 23rd mayor
of Mooseport,

Monroe "Eagle" Cole!

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Thank you, Morris.

Thank you, everybody.

Ladies and gentlemen,
once again,

the great American
electoral process has...

(SCATTERED MURMURING)

Folks, you know,

a little while ago,

a person who has been
with me for years,

a person who I trust
like no one else,

reminded me
of my principles.

Shook some
sense into me.

So, I have
a confession to make.

I said that
I would vote for Handy.

I-I didn't.

I voted for myself.

(DISAPPOINTED MURMURING)

So my first act as mayor
is to turn the job over

to the rightful winner,
Handy Harrison.

Handy, come on over here.

Let's hear it for Handy.

(CHEERING)
(GROWLING)

Whoo! All right!

Come on.

Yeah!

Mr. President... uh...

MAN:
Attaboy, Handy!

Folks, I have
a confession to make, also.

(COLE CHUCKLING)
(CROWD MURMURING)

(CHUCKLING)

I voted for myself too.

What?
(GASPING)

You won this thing fair
and square, Mr. President.

You...

So my first act as mayor
is to turn the job back over

to the rightful winner,
Mr. Monroe Cole!

(CHEERING)
Yeah! Yeah!

Hmm!

There's no beating you,
is there?

Not on this one, sir.

All right, I accept.

(CHEERING)

(BAND PLAYING MARCH)

No, he won.

Well, tell Harper Collins

Random House is back up
to 20 mil.

Hmm.
Yes, please do.

And tell them
to send me half.

See you in DC.
(CLICKS TONGUE)

(GASPS)

Huh?

Any sign of her?
Uh, yes, sir.

Agent Cloud found her, sir.
She's at the airport.

Airport?
Yes, sir.

Come on.
Let's get moving. You got it.

Look, Sally, uh...

I don't know... Uh...

Hey, Handy. Nice try.

Oh, thank you.
Thank you, Jackie.

Hi, Handy.
Hi, Sophie. Hi.

Look, Sally, how you doing?

Oh...

God, just-just do it.
Just do it.

(SHOUTING)
Hey, Handy!

I just saw what you did!
(METALLIC CLINKING)

Oh.
I couldn't believe it!

Thank you. Thank you,
Reuben. Yeah.

I voted for you!

Oh...
(YELLS)

Oh, well, well, you don't
even like me. Sorry.

(GRUNTS AND SIGHS)

Huh? What?

What?

Oh.

No!

No. No.

Please. Please. Please.

No!

(PANTING)

Oh... Nice!

(PROPELLERS BUZZING)

(CHATTERING)

Ladies and gentlemen,

Trans Capital Flight 27
to Dulles has been delayed.

(MURMURING)
Please bear with us,

and we'll let you know
as soon as we know.

Grace?

Grace.
Here, Mr. President.

What are you doing here?

I gave my notice,
remember?

Oh, Grace. Come back.

No.

No.

Grace... look at me.

Swear to God,
I'll never have more

than one sugar in my coffee
for the rest of my life,

if you'll have me.

And no salt.

(LAUGHS SOFTLY)

The former President
of the United States

is down on his knees.

And that's
no handshake, either.

I'll go down
on my knees again. Uh, no. No, no.

(SIGHS)

You certainly
took your time.

What if my plane
had left?

Oh, you haven't heard.

I'm the mayor now.

This is Cloud.
Clear the flight.

Turns out that I have
a little bit of pull

here at this airport now.

Flight 27 passengers,

we've now been cleared
for takeoff.

Congratulations,
Mr. President.

That would be,
"Congratulations,

"Mr. Mayor."

(LAUGHTER)

Congratulations,
Mr. Mayor.

Great.

Congratulations,
Mr. Mayor.

(CHUCKLING SOFTLY)

MAN: Congratulations,
Mr. Mayor.

Come on.

(GRUNTING)

(YELPING AND PANTING)

Are you doing the plumbing
for the whole town now?

(GROWLS)
(CHUCKLES)

No. I came to see you.

Through the drain?

Just... one second.

(GRUNTS)

Look, Sally,

I was...

I was gonna prepare
this whole speech.

What?

I was gonna prepare
this whole speech, okay?

But I think, you know,

it's better if I just say this
out of the moment.

All right.

The truth is,
you're beautiful.

And you're smart
and wonderful.

And...

And I'm not... I'm not.

Handy, I...

Hang on, 'cause I'm-I'm
in the moment now.

This whole thing,
it's-it's made me take

a-a pretty hard look
at myself.

And... I'm not smart,
and-and I'm not beautiful.

But... but hell, I just beat

the most popular president
in history.

So, maybe I'm okay.

Almost.
You almost beat him.

Sally, between me and you,
just our little secret,

I beat him.

I... do you think
I would of voted for myself

after I told
the whole town I wouldn't?

You gave it away?

Why?

Because-because he needs it.
I don't. I...

I only need you.

And that's...

that's my speech.

Oh, Handy.

Oh, hold on. I got...

I got you something.

Dirt?
No. It's...

It's-it's dirty, but...

Oh.

Look, I don't know
how you feel.

Is that a "yes" kiss?

Yes.

It's dirty now,
but it's-it's really...

It's beautiful.
It's beautiful.

It's, uh, big and...

That's not
just one diamond. There's diamonds on the side.

It's diamonds and mud.

Oh, did I say
in the speech...

I forgot the whole part
about how much I love you.

I didn't say it, but...
Yes, I didn't...

You know, there's no...

I didn't make a word thing
out of it,

but you can't even measure it.
It's like...

Like, if you take the sun...

You can take the heat
from that sun and you...

If you put all of that
in a love container, you...

Got it.
You get it?

(LAUGHING)
Yes.

But you said yes anyway.
So this is all extra.

It's like a bonus to it.
But it's... (WHISTLES)

My heart's beating fast.
Let's go.

Plunger, come on.

Come on.

How'd it get in the sewer?
Oh, that's...

You know, things
just happen to me.

Yeah.
(CHUCKLING)

Did I happen to notice
you're wearing a thong?

(GRUNTS)
Oh!

Oh, my God!

Are you okay?

Oh! You did it again.

I barely touched you.

Okay, look, you know,
if this marriage is gonna work,

you're gonna have to realize
how strong you are, okay?

You are...
You're stronger than me.

Just accept it.

I'm not stronger than you.

Yes, you are.
I'm a girl.

That's right. So, it hurts
physically and emotionally.

Come on, boys.
Oh!

Ooh, what about this?

Bow on my head.

A bow on your...
In white, I would buy it.

No, I'm serious.
I like that neckline.

A white bow.
Excuse me, ladies.

(DOOR SHUTS)

Uh, is Handy around?

Handy? You've got company.

Hey. How you doing?

Congratulations, Handy.

You almost beat
the most popular president in history.

Oh, well, thank you.
No hard feelings, right?

Are you kidding?

Let me cut to the chase.

What are you doing
in about two years?

What do you mean?

How does "Governor
Harrison" sound to you?

Governor? Well...

(STAMMERS)

Yeah, no. Thank you.

We've got a real
possibility here.

I... Listen,
thank you very much.

I appreciate that
you're thinking about me

and everything, but, um,

I-I'm kind of happy
right where I am.

Well, I'll respect that.

Okay.

Have a good day.

Hey, uh, hold on
one second.

Let me just ask you.

Can a governor kind of tell
a mayor what to do?

(ROCK BEAT PLAYS)
Oh, yeah.

Ow! What?

♪ I may be
the mayor of Simpleton

♪ But I know one thing
and that's I love you

♪ When their logic grows cold
and all thinking is done

♪ You'll be warm in the arms
of the mayor of Simpleton

♪ I guess I wasn't around
when brains were handed out

♪ Please be upstanding
for the mayor of Simpleton

♪ Or get past the cover
of your books profound

♪ Please be upstanding
for the mayor of Simpleton

♪ And some of your friends
think it's really unsound

♪ That you're even seen
talking to me

♪ Well, I don't know
how to write a big-hit song

♪ And all crossword puzzles
well, I just shun

♪ I may be
the mayor of Simpleton

♪ But I know one thing
and that's I love you

♪ I'm not proud of the fact
that I never learned much

♪ Just feel I should say

♪ What you get is all real
I can't put on an act

♪ It takes brains to do that
anyway, anyway, anyway

♪ And I can't unravel riddles
problems and puns

♪ And my home computer
has me on the run

♪ I may be
the mayor of Simpleton

♪ But I know one thing
and that's I love you

♪ You'll be warm in the arms
of the mayor

♪ Please be upstanding
for the mayor of Simpleton

♪ Please be upstanding
for the mayor of Simpleton ♪

(ORCHESTRA PLAYS
GENTLE MELODY)