All language subtitles for How.I.Met.Your.Mother.S03E11.720p.HDTV.X264-MRSK

Oh, my God!

I have a tattoo.

Oh, that's not a tattoo.

That, dear boy,
is a tramp stamp.

A tramp stamp.

Kids, too often in life,

we make decisions that we're
not prepared to live with.

This is a story
about those decisions,

and the consequences
that follow.

Say good-bye, kids,
'cause it won't be around much longer.

Oh, but Ted, if you get rid
of the butterfly,

how's everyone gonna know
you're a stripper from Reno

with Daddy issues?

Yes, yes, enjoy these
final moments of mockery

because in just ten surprisingly
expensive sessions,

Stella is gonna zap that butterfly
right off the face of my lower back.

Stella?

Dr. Stella Zinman.
She's the best in the business.

And she's rather cute. In fact...
we're going to a movie together tonight.

- What?
- I asked her out.

- Ted, why would you do that?
- What's the matter with you?

- What? What do you mean?
- Dude...

don't poop where you eat.

Oh, no, this doesn't count.

If it's someone you see
on a regular basis,

and you can't avoid them...

And in this case, you're paying
them... then yes, it counts.

Ted, you've heard
of the Golden Rule, right?

"Love thy neighbor?"

Uh, actually, it's "Do unto others
as you would have them do unto you."

It's from the Bible.

Damn it, Ted, I've worked out
this whole thing

where the Golden Rule is
"Love thy neighbor," so just... okay?

Now, the Golden Rule is
"Love thy neighbor."

But there's one
rule above it:

the Platinum Rule:

"Never ever, ever, ever,
love thy neighbor."

Well, that's cute. But she's not
my neighbor, she's my doctor.

- So if you'll excuse me...
- Ted, Barney has a point.

Remember what happened with me
and Curt down at the station?

Oh, yeah, and remember what happened
with us and the Gerards across the hall?

Need I remind you
about me and Wendy the Waitress?

Yeah, I don't have time
for this.

I'm out the door as soon
as I'm finished with my hair.

Good, then we've got
a solid half hour.

And in that time, we will convince
you not to set foot out that door.

It's a story older
than time, my friend,

and it always plays out
in the same eight steps.

Step 1: Attraction.

- It's true.
- That's not even possible.

- 12 of them.
- There's no way.

- Hi, Barney.
- Hey.

- Here's your gin and tonic.
- Thanks.

Oh, gosh.
Look at that.

Oh, hi! You must be our
new neighbors. I'm Michael.

And I'm Laura.

Oh, hi, welcome
to the building. Yeah.

Do you guys know any good
brunch places around here?

We love brunch!

You must be Robin.

Yeah.

Curt "The Iron Man" Irons.

I'm gonna be doing sports.

Oh. Welcome.

You look really familiar.
Are you a former athlete?

Hockey.

The attraction is
instant and undeniable.

But you know better.

You've seen your friends
make the same mistakes before.

You've laughed smugly at them.

Idiots.

But still, you think,

"This is different. The Platinum Rule
doesn't apply to me."

And that's Step 2.

Bargaining.

I think I've got a little crush
on our sports guy.

- No, don't do it.
- No. No, no, no, no.

I know, I know. But he used to
play hockey, and I'm a Canadian.

I can't help it.

If he were missing some teeth,
I probably would've already hit that.

Robin, it's a mistake.

Remember what happened
with me and Marshall?

The Gerards across the hall?

Michael and Laura.
They're awesome!

We're gonna invite them
over for dinner.

- No! Really?
- Are you insane?

Guys, guys, guys,
this is New York City.

You don't get close
to the neighbors.

You nod at them politely
in the hall.

You call the cops if you haven't
seen them in a while

and you smell something
funny, and that is it.

We're not gonna date them.
We're just gonna be friends with them.

That's the couples
version of dating.

And you've got the couples
version of the hots for them.

Oh, yeah, you want to eat brunch with them.
You want to browse at Pottery Barn with them.

You want to go antiquing
with them, don't you?

Oh, yeah, you want to antique
the crap out of them.

Need I remind you what happened
with me and Wendy the Waitress?

I've decided to seduce
Wendy the Waitress.

- Don't do it!
- No! Request denied!

What rule is there that says I can't
seduce the waitress at my favorite bar?

I don't know. I'd expect you
to have one already.

Yeah, with some sort
of catchy name.

Well, I don't.

I don't have one and I never will be
because it's a great idea.

Come on, guys.
She's gullible.

I'm bored.
We're perfect for each other.

Barney.
We love this bar.

If you screw over Wendy the Waitress,
you're going to kill the bar.

- Bar-killer.
- Don't kill the bar, dude.

Yeah, well...
I think it'll be okay.

And it was a huge mistake.

Yeah, well...
I think it'll be okay.

And it was a huge mistake.

Yeah, well...
I think it'll be okay.

And it was a huge mistake.

Yeah, well...
I think it'll be okay.

How I Met Your Mother 3x11
- The Platinum Rule -

Ted, trust me.
You don't want to do this.

Look, Stella and I
are both adults.

We're both smart, mature people
capable of making good decisions.

You have a butterfly
tramp stamp.

We're just seeing a movie.
If it seems at all weird, I'll back off.

That's what everyone thinks.
And then along comes Step 3:

Submission.

- Night.
- Hey, Barney.

Carl had to take off.
You mind giving me a hand?

Not at all.

Robin. I got two tickets
to the Rangers. Center ice.

Want to go?

And then we discover the movers
lost all our kitchen boxes.

We don't have
a single pot or pan.

Guess we're ordering
take-out.

Want to have dinner
with us tonight?

- I love them.
- Me, too.

That was an interesting use
of the beverage gun.

Club soda can get
anything off.

It finally happened.

All this time,

every drink I brought you...

I always felt there was this
unspoken connection between us.

And I was right.

Hey, can I get
a gin and tonic?

See, I bet you didn't pay
for that gin and tonic.

Oh, I paid for it.

But you got to admit, there is an upside
to breaking The Platinum Rule.

Like maybe as her boyfriend,
I could get a discount on treatments.

Oh, Ted.
Of course there's an upside.

At first. That's Step 4.

Perks.

We can split a cab
to work together.

We always have
a standing lunch date.

And last night,
at the hockey game,

Curt got us into the locker room,
and I met Mason Raymond.

Left Wing for the
Vancouver Canucks.

What's the opposite
of name-dropping?

Damn it, you guys.
Be psyched.

Yes, we see each other every day,
but I think it's going really well.

That's what we thought.

And it's so convenient.
They're right across the hall.

Say it's Sunday, and we want to have
a brunch double date with someone?

We just go across the hall.

And say we want to have
a dinner party exploring the wine

and cuisine of France's
Loire Valley?

We just go across the hall.

Say we want to play
a game of charades...

You just go
across the hall?

Come on, people.
Get excited for us.

We've got a great thing
going here.

That's what I thought.

- Dude, you got to flick it.
- You don't...

Hi, sweetie.

I had the kitchen whip
these up, no charge.

Okay, bye.

I mean, not bye.
I'm not leaving.

I'll be over there.

Come on, guys.
Free nachos.

What?

- We like this bar.
- Don't kill the bar, dude.

- Nay, we love this bar.
- Don't kill the bar, dude.

- This bar is like home to us.
- Don't kill the bar, dude.

You're killing the bar.

I am not killing the bar.

Wendy the Waitress has seen
how I operate in this place.

It is perfectly clear
to everyone involved

that this is nothing more
than a temporary fling.

It's fine.

But it wasn't.

It's fine.

But it wasn't.

It's fine.

But it wasn't.

Which brings us to Step 5:

The tipping point

...but he should be back
on the mound by spring training.

And that's sports.
Back to you, Robin.

Thanks, Iron Man.
We'll be right back.

And clear.

So want to do
something later?

Oh, so you're talking to me now?

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about last night.

You said you'd call
and you didn't.

I missed you and I waited up,
but you didn't call.

That really hurt.

Um, I'm-I'm sorry,
I-I guess I just forgot.

I'm sorry, sweetie.
I don't wanna fight tonight.

It's our first weekiversary.

Hey, Wendy,

uh, do me a favor and
send a glass of champagne

to that pretty young thing
over there.

What?

Over there.

You.

You're the pretty young thing...

is what I meant.

Champagne? Would you? On me.

Oh. Okay.

Thanks, sweetie.

Okay. All right.

Hey, neighbors.

We bought all the fixings
for a Mexican fiesta.

Well, we actually
have tickets...

And no fiesta would
be complete without...

Dude, actually,
we made other plans, so...

Okay. One word.
Two syllables.

Sounds like...

..."parade." Charades.

- Charades.
- What do you say?

- Oh, no.
- Oh, no.
- Oh, no.

Which brings us to Step 6.

Yeah, listen, I'm leaving so,

if you want to write
the rest of these down,

I will read it tomorrow.

- Don't do this, Ted.
- You want to get out of the way?

Don't do this, Ted.
Don't.

It was perfect!

You're such a jerk.

Which brings us
to Step 6.

You finally realize
you've made a huge mistake

and now you have to live with it.
Step 6 is called Purg...

Wait for it.

Keep waiting...

keep waiting for all eternity only
to discover there's no escape... atory.

God, I'm such an idiot.

Yeah.

Curt "The Iron Man" Irons

keeps leaving me
love notes on Post-Its.

On the teleprompter,
on my desk,

on the coffee-maker,
on the jar of sugar packets

next to the coffee-maker.

"Here's some sugar
for my sugar."

The Iron Man.

I remember that.

God, we are such idiots.

Yup.

Every time we step out the door,
they're out there waiting for us.

Sometimes, we'll send Ted out
first as a scout.

Nobody's there.

Then we'll go out one second
later, and there they are.

It's freakin' supernatural.
Are they ghosts?

Can only we see them?

"Hey, neighbor. Hey, neighbor.
Hey, neighbor." Oh.

I remember that.

How could you guys let me date
Wendy the Waitress?

- Oh, you are kidding me.
- What?!

- Don't kill the bar, dude.
- We said, "Don't do it."

My own bar.

I can't hit on women
in my own bar.

Remember the old Barney?
He's a lion,

the king of the jungle,
stalking whatever prey he chose,

going in for the kill.

You've got a whole meat locker at home
full of corpses, don't you?

Now look at me.

Declawed. Neutered.

What was once
my jungle is now my zoo.

And I am forced to mate
with the same old lioness

again and again and again,

while families pay to watch.

Yeah, this metaphor's really
falling apart.

Put a bell around my neck
and scratch my belly, kids,

for I am just
a docile housecat now.

Meow.

Well, we love this bar.

You can't dump her.
Marry her if you have to.

Wendy the Waitress-Hyphen-Stinson.

Don't kill the bar, dude.

And so, inevitably,

you have to do the thing
you've been dreading all along.

Now, a relationship-ectomy
is a delicate surgery as it is,

but in the case of
the Platinum Rule,

it takes a very, very
steady hand,

and that's Step 7:

Confrontation.

Curt...

... we need to talk.

I like you...

Guys, we like you a lot...

I don't like you.

We're pretending this works,
but it doesn't.

And I'm getting a little
sick of the whole charade.

We're getting
a little sick of charades.

I mean, I don't like you
that way.

I used to like
you that way.

But now that I've seen everything
there is to see,

I don't know, I kind of want
to see those same parts

just, on other girls.

So maybe, we could go back
to just being coworkers.

Maybe we should just go
back to being neighbors.

Other girls and you,
if you're into that.

But the other girls
have to be there, too.

That's the important part.

Gosh, you're just terrified of ever
getting close to anyone, aren't you?

Or that.
Let's say it's that.

So can I get a gin and tonic?

And in any other relationship,
that would be it.

End of story.

But because you have
to see this person again,

there's a Step 8:

Fallout.

And now, here's
Curt "The Iron Man" Irons with sports.

Curt?

Curt?

Well, the Knicks lost.

It's sad, really.

They had a real shot.

Then, out of nowhere,
game over.

And why?

Why, Robin?

Uh, well, their perimeter shooting
has been a little bit off this season...

The Knicks lost because
they were afraid of getting hurt.

So they didn't even try.

Well, you know what I think?

I think

the Knicks didn't deserve
my love to begin with.

The Knicks suck.

And that's sports.

- Do you see anything?
- I think we're clear.

Okay, go, go, go!

- That was close.
- Too close.

You've got to be kidding me.
What do we do?

I have no idea.

Guys, are you there? I forgot
my keys. Can you open up?

It's just Ted.

Wait!

Hello?
Guys?

Baby, we only have one choice.

Okay, hurry! Michael
and Laura are probably...

Hey, neighbors.

Barney, I just want you to know,
I have no hard feelings.

It wasn't the best idea
for us to get involved.

I hope we can still be friends.

Thanks, Wendy.
Of course we can.

If you need anything else,
let me know.

I've got to hand it to Wendy the
Waitress, that was very mature of her.

She's gonna try to kill me.

This is poisoned.

- What? You're being ridiculous.
- Yours is poisoned, too.

She's trying to kill me
and everyone close to me.

What are you talking about?

Look at the facts, I dump her
and she says, "No hard feelings."

She's a psycho!
What other explanation is there?

Uh, that you're letting yourself
believe she's crazy

so you don't have to face the far
more likely possibility that

she doesn't want
to date you either?

Where did Marshall
get that hamburger?

I don't know, I guess Wendy
the Waitress brought it to him.

Nooooooo!

Dude.

You're welcome.

Wait a second.

You've been sitting here,

pretending to be
the expert on all this,

but the truth is, there was no
real fallout from your breakup at all?

Yet.

You're an idiot.

All right, I'm taking off.

- What?!
- I have a date.

You are such a jerk!

Ted, have you not
been listening?

Attraction, bargaining, submission,
perks, tipping point,

purgatory,
confrontation, fallout!

These things will all happen to you
as surely as they happened to all of us!

It's a rule of nature!

Well, I'm sick of all the rules!
There's too many of them!

The Hot/Crazy Scale, the Lemon Law,
the Platinum Rule...

If everyone in the world followed
every one of your rules,

the human race
would cease to exist.

Yes, chances are

Stella and I are not going
to live happily ever after.

The overwhelming odds
have it ending badly.

And when that happens, it'll be
for one of a million possible reasons.

But that doesn't mean
I'm not gonna try.

And when it does fail,
so help me God,

it's not gonna
be because of some rule.

P.S.

you just made my hair
look awesome.

Good night.

So Stella and I went
on our date.

But here's the funny thing:

turns out,
it wasn't actually a date.

So what do you mean
"it wasn't a date"?

She thought we were seeing
a movie just as friends.

Why would she think that?

Did she see your tattoo
and assume you were gay?

Apparently, there's a rule
that says I can't date Stella.

Exactly: the Platinum Rule.

Stella reads my blog.

No, this rule comes from the
American Medical Association.

Doctors aren't legally allowed
to date their patients.

Oh, sorry, Ted.

It's okay.

What are you guys watching?

So that was the end of the story
between me and Stella,

at least for the time being.

But I don't know, looking back
on the Platinum Rule,

I think there's a ninth step.

We'll call it Coexistence.

It's the moment you realize
that all that anger

and resentment
just isn't useful.

- Thanks for watching.
- Good night.

And you start to let go of it.

- Hey.
- Hey, guys.

So what do you guys
have going on tonight?

We're going to have
a few friends over.

Gonna play some charades.

Have fun.

And move on with your life.

It just takes a while.

On the house.

Thanks.