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1
00:00:15,682 --> 00:00:17,808
Son, sometimes in life,
2
00:00:17,809 --> 00:00:20,645
you have to perform a best friend rescue.
3
00:00:20,646 --> 00:00:23,856
Remember the time I had to drive you
to Aunt Val's house
4
00:00:23,857 --> 00:00:26,275
to stop her from bleaching her hair?
5
00:00:26,276 --> 00:00:27,276
Yeah.
6
00:00:27,277 --> 00:00:30,148
I-I still don't really understand
what the big deal was.
7
00:00:30,614 --> 00:00:32,657
How many times do I have to say it?
8
00:00:32,658 --> 00:00:35,034
I'm the blonde one!
9
00:00:35,035 --> 00:00:38,412
Okay. Swish and Val's
engagement party is tomorrow,
10
00:00:38,413 --> 00:00:41,500
and if we all work together,
we can make it a success.
11
00:00:42,125 --> 00:00:44,502
And here, we're defining success
12
00:00:44,503 --> 00:00:47,506
as killing this engagement dead.
Any questions?
13
00:00:48,048 --> 00:00:49,799
I'm straight off a plane here,
14
00:00:49,800 --> 00:00:51,844
so my question would be, what?
15
00:00:52,594 --> 00:00:54,804
A bubbly undergrad proposed to Val,
16
00:00:54,805 --> 00:00:56,264
and she doesn't wanna
go through with it,
17
00:00:56,265 --> 00:00:59,308
and I'm not ready
for married lame friends.
18
00:01:01,520 --> 00:01:03,354
Except for you guys!
19
00:01:03,355 --> 00:01:05,107
Love your love.
20
00:01:05,732 --> 00:01:08,150
So, what am I looking at here, exactly?
21
00:01:08,151 --> 00:01:11,529
Um, well, I wanted to do a presentation,
but I ran out of time.
22
00:01:11,530 --> 00:01:12,947
Oh, so why'd you bring it?
23
00:01:12,948 --> 00:01:15,283
Well, I didn't buy PowerPoint
for nothing.
24
00:01:15,284 --> 00:01:17,118
Didn't you?
25
00:01:17,119 --> 00:01:18,411
Okay. Crazy thought.
26
00:01:18,412 --> 00:01:20,705
What if Val breaks up with Swish
27
00:01:20,706 --> 00:01:23,792
using words like, I don't know,
"I'm breaking up with you, Swish."
28
00:01:24,626 --> 00:01:26,669
Uh! We tried.
29
00:01:26,670 --> 00:01:30,590
Swish, you are a wonderful person,
30
00:01:30,591 --> 00:01:34,010
and I have so enjoyed our time together.
31
00:01:34,011 --> 00:01:35,053
But...
32
00:01:37,097 --> 00:01:40,391
- You do it.
- I can't. I see it, too.
33
00:01:41,643 --> 00:01:44,478
Disappointing Swish face-to-face
is a no-go.
34
00:01:44,479 --> 00:01:47,857
So here's the plan.
Tomorrow, we are gonna convince Swish
35
00:01:47,858 --> 00:01:50,443
that he doesn't wanna marry Val. Ellen,
36
00:01:50,444 --> 00:01:53,154
you're gonna play
the role of "bitter divorced lady."
37
00:01:53,155 --> 00:01:56,657
Ooh! Can my name be Maureen?
38
00:01:56,658 --> 00:01:57,950
No. He's met you.
39
00:01:57,951 --> 00:01:59,410
Sid, Hannah.
40
00:01:59,411 --> 00:02:01,454
You guys are gonna be
the unhappy married couple
41
00:02:01,455 --> 00:02:02,955
who just can't stop fighting.
42
00:02:02,956 --> 00:02:05,208
This is our first weekend
together in a month,
43
00:02:05,209 --> 00:02:06,501
and we're supposed to fake a fight?
44
00:02:06,502 --> 00:02:08,794
Glad you get it. Charlie!
45
00:02:08,795 --> 00:02:12,089
You will be the fun bachelor
who's going to remind Swish
46
00:02:12,090 --> 00:02:13,799
of all the great casual sex
47
00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:15,843
he'll be missing out on
if he gets hitched.
48
00:02:15,844 --> 00:02:18,971
Love that for me, but I can't.
I'm bringing Julia.
49
00:02:18,972 --> 00:02:20,973
Oh, nice. How's that going, anyway?
50
00:02:20,974 --> 00:02:23,100
- Next topic, please.
- You don't like Julia?
51
00:02:23,101 --> 00:02:24,810
Julia's fine.
52
00:02:24,811 --> 00:02:27,688
Just having a little roommate kerfuffle.
It's nothing to fret over.
53
00:02:27,689 --> 00:02:29,233
Next. Topic. Please.
54
00:02:30,901 --> 00:02:33,986
Okay, Jesse, then you'll be
Mr. "I live for casual sex."
55
00:02:33,987 --> 00:02:35,988
I hate guys like that.
What's your thing?
56
00:02:35,989 --> 00:02:37,698
Can I just do that instead?
No!
57
00:02:37,699 --> 00:02:40,785
I am gonna show Swish how ancient I am.
58
00:02:40,786 --> 00:02:43,162
Then, I'll mention that Val and I
are the same age,
59
00:02:43,163 --> 00:02:44,372
and he'll connect the dots.
60
00:02:44,373 --> 00:02:46,726
Smart!
He loves Connect the Dots!
61
00:02:47,209 --> 00:02:48,626
Babe!
62
00:02:48,627 --> 00:02:51,129
It's not a horse! It's a unicorn!
63
00:02:52,397 --> 00:02:53,732
I did that.
64
00:02:53,757 --> 00:02:55,258
Don't worry, Val.
65
00:02:55,259 --> 00:02:57,635
As soon as I'm done with you,
you are going to be...
66
00:02:57,636 --> 00:02:59,804
Single AF!
67
00:02:59,805 --> 00:03:02,224
That says "sing leaf."
68
00:03:03,183 --> 00:03:04,226
Damn it.
69
00:03:04,685 --> 00:03:07,353
I'm gonna be the most
married person in the world.
70
00:03:10,941 --> 00:03:15,194
So, um, if Swish asks,
my parents are in India.
71
00:03:15,195 --> 00:03:16,571
What? Why?
72
00:03:16,572 --> 00:03:18,114
He wanted my dad's blessing,
73
00:03:18,115 --> 00:03:20,449
so I told him
they were out of the country.
74
00:03:20,450 --> 00:03:22,690
Photoshopped a picture of them
in front of the Taj Mahal.
75
00:03:23,245 --> 00:03:24,329
Fiancée!
76
00:03:24,891 --> 00:03:26,560
Hey...
77
00:03:26,957 --> 00:03:27,999
Mwah!
78
00:03:28,000 --> 00:03:29,208
Oh, my gosh.
79
00:03:29,209 --> 00:03:32,253
I just saw our unborn children
in your eyes.
80
00:03:32,254 --> 00:03:33,297
Do you see them in mine?
81
00:03:33,922 --> 00:03:36,174
Nope. Just, like,
82
00:03:36,175 --> 00:03:37,426
your pupils.
83
00:03:38,093 --> 00:03:40,636
Oh, right. I'm being stupid
because they say that you see
84
00:03:40,637 --> 00:03:43,139
the spark of the children
in the
mother's eyes.
85
00:03:43,140 --> 00:03:45,183
You probably just see,
like, little sperms in mine.
86
00:03:49,062 --> 00:03:50,814
Oh! Sorry.
87
00:03:51,315 --> 00:03:52,481
I guess it's true what they say.
88
00:03:52,482 --> 00:03:56,319
Back pain is youth just leaving the body.
89
00:03:56,320 --> 00:03:59,614
I'm going through changes now that
I'm creeping up on the big 3-1.
90
00:03:59,615 --> 00:04:01,490
You know what I realized the other day?
91
00:04:01,491 --> 00:04:03,576
When you're 31,
92
00:04:03,577 --> 00:04:05,412
Val's gonna be 43.
93
00:04:08,248 --> 00:04:11,292
And when you're 43, she'll be 55.
94
00:04:12,544 --> 00:04:14,546
We get it! You're a horny cat.
95
00:04:15,255 --> 00:04:17,757
I love being with an experienced woman.
96
00:04:17,758 --> 00:04:19,312
I think it's beautiful
that you guys have
97
00:04:19,324 --> 00:04:21,499
to take your pants off
when you come home.
98
00:04:24,014 --> 00:04:25,431
Hey, have you met Jesse?
99
00:04:25,432 --> 00:04:27,767
Hey, hey, hey!
100
00:04:27,768 --> 00:04:30,394
So, tying the old knot, huh?
101
00:04:30,395 --> 00:04:31,687
Yeah. I could never.
102
00:04:31,688 --> 00:04:33,732
I'd get hung up thinking
about all those...
103
00:04:34,650 --> 00:04:37,069
tasty women I'd be missing out on.
104
00:04:37,819 --> 00:04:40,613
- Tasty...
- Tasty, tasty meat.
105
00:04:40,614 --> 00:04:42,907
Big ol' husks, huh? I mean,
106
00:04:42,908 --> 00:04:46,285
women are objects,
and the subject is sex,
107
00:04:46,286 --> 00:04:47,912
- am I right?
- Okay.
108
00:04:47,913 --> 00:04:50,414
Yeah, if you ask me, best to stay single
109
00:04:50,415 --> 00:04:53,418
'cause life's just
a big ol' bag of boobs.
110
00:04:55,254 --> 00:04:57,505
- What are you doing?
- Sorry.
111
00:04:57,506 --> 00:05:00,175
Was bag of boobs weird?
I was between that and butt parade.
112
00:05:01,343 --> 00:05:02,969
How did I ever have sex with you?
113
00:05:02,970 --> 00:05:04,221
Missionary, right?
114
00:05:06,557 --> 00:05:10,101
Marrying young was
the
biggest mistake I've ever made.
115
00:05:10,102 --> 00:05:12,103
I'm a broken shell of a woman.
116
00:05:12,104 --> 00:05:15,524
Nothing like the
Maureen I used to be.
117
00:05:16,024 --> 00:05:17,526
Wait, I thought your name was Ellen.
118
00:05:18,235 --> 00:05:21,255
You remember that?
God, you're a good listener.
119
00:05:21,280 --> 00:05:24,574
And plus, you don't
seem broken.
Y-You have a cool job,
120
00:05:24,575 --> 00:05:28,035
you're a great friend, and Val says
your girlfriend is freakin' dope.
121
00:05:28,036 --> 00:05:29,495
Yeah, Rachel rules.
122
00:05:29,496 --> 00:05:31,914
I guess I'm kicking butt out there, huh?
123
00:05:31,915 --> 00:05:33,750
- Thanks, Swish.
- Hey, no problem, Maureen.
124
00:05:34,751 --> 00:05:36,991
Look, you wanna be called Maureen,
I'll call you Maureen.
125
00:05:37,421 --> 00:05:38,546
Later.
126
00:05:41,508 --> 00:05:45,011
I'm sorry. He smiled at me,
and then I just forgot.
127
00:05:45,012 --> 00:05:47,597
A-And then, I had an overwhelming desire
128
00:05:47,598 --> 00:05:50,099
to-to be his mom, but, like a chill one.
129
00:05:50,100 --> 00:05:52,311
Like, he could smoke in front of me.
130
00:05:53,061 --> 00:05:54,729
Mom?
131
00:05:54,730 --> 00:05:57,065
Ellen, that's it!
132
00:05:58,442 --> 00:06:00,694
You're pretty tough to talk
to sometimes, you know that?
133
00:06:01,320 --> 00:06:02,778
And then I'll say,
134
00:06:02,779 --> 00:06:05,489
"Church shmurch! Sunday's for football!"
135
00:06:05,490 --> 00:06:08,201
And then you'll say, "Well, I never."
136
00:06:08,202 --> 00:06:10,203
I've never once said that in my life.
137
00:06:10,204 --> 00:06:12,122
Okay, well,
do the other line we talked about.
138
00:06:13,207 --> 00:06:15,791
Fine. I'll say, "You're not gettin'
any of this tonight,"
139
00:06:15,792 --> 00:06:17,336
but I'm not pointing at my crotch.
140
00:06:19,338 --> 00:06:21,255
Wait, you have Zillow alerts on?
141
00:06:21,256 --> 00:06:22,965
Hell, yeah. Me, too.
142
00:06:22,966 --> 00:06:24,550
How do you feel about exposed brick?
143
00:06:24,551 --> 00:06:26,470
I know it makes me
a basic bitch, but I love it.
144
00:06:28,180 --> 00:06:30,682
Wait, Hannah,
this is for a house in Los Angeles.
145
00:06:31,725 --> 00:06:33,768
I live in a nice area.
146
00:06:33,769 --> 00:06:35,728
I got curious, that's all.
147
00:06:35,729 --> 00:06:38,397
Uh-huh. Curious like,
148
00:06:38,398 --> 00:06:40,816
"Look how much these suckers
paid for this dump,"
149
00:06:40,817 --> 00:06:43,444
or curious like, "I wanna be
one of these suckers"?
150
00:06:43,445 --> 00:06:45,446
What do you want me to say?
151
00:06:45,447 --> 00:06:49,242
I've lived in LA for a while now,
I love my job, I'm making friends...
152
00:06:49,243 --> 00:06:51,702
Yeah, Hannah, but we have a plan.
Like, you were supposed to move here
153
00:06:51,703 --> 00:06:52,954
when your residency is over.
154
00:06:52,955 --> 00:06:54,413
That's always been the plan.
155
00:06:54,414 --> 00:06:56,415
I don't wanna talk about this here.
156
00:06:56,416 --> 00:06:58,000
Can't we just fake fight now?
157
00:06:58,001 --> 00:07:01,129
We can't fake fight now.
We're in a real fight.
158
00:07:04,007 --> 00:07:05,299
Ellen, right?
159
00:07:05,300 --> 00:07:07,301
I'm Julia. I was actually at your place
the other night.
160
00:07:07,302 --> 00:07:09,680
Oh, I know you were. Hi.
161
00:07:10,514 --> 00:07:12,474
- You're looking well.
- As are you.
162
00:07:14,017 --> 00:07:16,102
- Why are you guys being weird?
- We're not.
163
00:07:16,103 --> 00:07:18,689
And there is no "we." On your way now.
164
00:07:22,401 --> 00:07:24,110
Hey, babe. Long-ass pee, huh?
165
00:07:24,111 --> 00:07:25,736
What happened,
you drank too many Gatorades?
166
00:07:25,737 --> 00:07:27,738
Uh... sure.
167
00:07:27,739 --> 00:07:30,158
Oh, my boy Doink made it!
Doink!
168
00:07:34,705 --> 00:07:37,999
Um, I gotta say, I'm not
feeling any
less engaged.
169
00:07:38,000 --> 00:07:39,625
Okay, we've had some misses.
170
00:07:39,626 --> 00:07:41,836
Alright, but I have a new plan,
and the main thing
171
00:07:41,837 --> 00:07:44,172
that I want
you to focus on
172
00:07:44,173 --> 00:07:47,925
is, is not being, um, mad at me.
173
00:07:47,926 --> 00:07:50,636
Hey.
We came as soon as we got your text.
174
00:07:50,637 --> 00:07:53,348
Oh, Val, what are we gonna do with you?
175
00:07:59,213 --> 00:08:01,883
You're engaged to a child?
176
00:08:02,149 --> 00:08:05,193
What have you done
to your life, my darling?
177
00:08:05,194 --> 00:08:07,486
It's because we gave her
that cell phone too early.
178
00:08:07,487 --> 00:08:09,572
That Motorola Razr rotted out her brain.
179
00:08:09,573 --> 00:08:12,491
- Oh...
- I need you guys to focus, okay?
180
00:08:12,492 --> 00:08:14,160
Swish wants your blessing,
181
00:08:14,161 --> 00:08:15,745
and if you don't give it to him,
182
00:08:15,746 --> 00:08:17,413
he will call it off.
For a guy named Swish,
183
00:08:17,414 --> 00:08:18,873
he's surprisingly traditional.
184
00:08:18,874 --> 00:08:21,375
You're engaged to someone named Swish?!
185
00:08:21,376 --> 00:08:23,837
- It's not his real name.
- What is?
186
00:08:27,466 --> 00:08:29,133
Okay, from
you,
187
00:08:29,134 --> 00:08:32,011
I need disapproving dad. Glare at him.
188
00:08:32,012 --> 00:08:34,419
- Can you glare for me, Juan?
- Yeah.
189
00:08:36,350 --> 00:08:38,601
That's more of like a...
a smolder.
190
00:08:38,602 --> 00:08:41,103
I-I'm sorry.
I have resting smolder face.
191
00:08:41,104 --> 00:08:43,481
- Oh, it's a curse...
- Oh, my God!
192
00:08:43,482 --> 00:08:44,733
How's this?
193
00:08:45,692 --> 00:08:47,902
Oh! There! That's the glare!
194
00:08:47,903 --> 00:08:50,905
And from you,
I want subtle disappointment.
195
00:08:50,906 --> 00:08:52,491
Gimme, like, a withering head shake.
196
00:08:53,659 --> 00:08:55,702
Less movement.
If it's slight, it hurts more.
197
00:08:57,412 --> 00:09:00,540
- Ooh, devastating.
- Mr. and Mrs. M?!
198
00:09:00,541 --> 00:09:01,679
Oh, my gosh, I'm so glad you guys
199
00:09:01,691 --> 00:09:03,190
made it! I-I thought you were in India.
200
00:09:03,214 --> 00:09:06,217
Uh, th-they were! Uh, but India...
201
00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:09,632
- closed.
- Damn, that sucks.
202
00:09:09,633 --> 00:09:12,636
- But welcome.
- He believes India closed?
203
00:09:13,720 --> 00:09:15,221
Uh, thank you.
204
00:09:15,222 --> 00:09:17,765
Hey, why don't you three
go get to know each other?
205
00:09:17,766 --> 00:09:18,766
Yeah! Yeah.
206
00:09:18,767 --> 00:09:20,184
Remember, glare and wither.
207
00:09:20,185 --> 00:09:21,591
And don't look directly into his eyes,
208
00:09:21,603 --> 00:09:23,708
but don't get lost in his hair either.
209
00:09:25,232 --> 00:09:26,732
Hey, are you okay?
210
00:09:26,733 --> 00:09:29,269
I-I can tell something weird's
going on with you and Ellen.
211
00:09:29,294 --> 00:09:31,088
- It was an accident.
- What was?
212
00:09:31,113 --> 00:09:32,321
I've said too much.
213
00:09:32,322 --> 00:09:33,906
Never mind. You know,
I don't wanna know anymore.
214
00:09:33,907 --> 00:09:35,662
Fine, I'll tell you everything.
215
00:09:35,909 --> 00:09:37,911
It was the first time
Julia had spent the night.
216
00:09:39,288 --> 00:09:41,122
Your piggy got out of his pen...
217
00:09:41,123 --> 00:09:43,163
Wha?! What are you doing?! Whoa!
218
00:09:44,835 --> 00:09:46,586
Turns out,
Ellen and Julia are back twins.
219
00:09:46,587 --> 00:09:50,548
- I mean, I was destined to fail.
- She calls you "Piggy" in bed?
220
00:09:50,549 --> 00:09:51,883
What do you call her?
221
00:09:51,884 --> 00:09:53,634
"Farmer Julie."
222
00:09:53,635 --> 00:09:55,511
She's a dairy farmer
who dabbles in pork,
223
00:09:55,512 --> 00:09:57,555
and I'm a dainty little pig
who doesn't like the mud.
224
00:09:57,556 --> 00:09:59,557
You guys have been on,
like, three dates.
225
00:09:59,558 --> 00:10:01,017
Yes, I know.
226
00:10:01,018 --> 00:10:03,020
Still got a lot of world-building to do.
227
00:10:04,771 --> 00:10:06,772
I mean, what does LA have
that New York doesn't?
228
00:10:06,773 --> 00:10:09,400
LA has tons of great things.
229
00:10:09,401 --> 00:10:11,569
I live right near this
pupusa place that...
230
00:10:11,570 --> 00:10:14,030
We have
pupusas! You want
pupusas?
231
00:10:14,031 --> 00:10:15,990
I'll get you a million
pupusas.
232
00:10:15,991 --> 00:10:18,785
But they just don't taste as good here.
Maybe it's the water.
233
00:10:19,870 --> 00:10:22,413
No, no, no, no, no, no.
That is our thing, Hannah.
234
00:10:22,414 --> 00:10:24,875
New York is the one with the water.
235
00:10:26,376 --> 00:10:27,502
Sid,
236
00:10:27,503 --> 00:10:30,379
can we at least have a conversation
about you moving to LA.
237
00:10:30,380 --> 00:10:32,382
We're having it, Hannah!
It is not going well!
238
00:10:33,550 --> 00:10:34,800
Our plan was always...
239
00:10:34,801 --> 00:10:37,763
Yes, I know what the plan was,
but plans can change, Sid.
240
00:10:38,388 --> 00:10:41,682
Hey, guys? Uh, we're working
a parent angle right now,
241
00:10:41,683 --> 00:10:43,702
so I'll let you know if I need you.
242
00:10:43,727 --> 00:10:45,561
Loving this energy. It sounds
243
00:10:45,562 --> 00:10:48,232
really ugly in here. Thanks.
244
00:10:50,651 --> 00:10:52,652
I have some concerns.
245
00:10:52,653 --> 00:10:55,739
Valentina doesn't make much money,
and you're still in school.
246
00:10:56,490 --> 00:11:00,409
Yeah, you're right.
But that's why I whipped up this, uh,
247
00:11:00,410 --> 00:11:01,911
five-year financial plan.
248
00:11:01,912 --> 00:11:03,913
- Oh.
- Yeah.
249
00:11:03,914 --> 00:11:05,414
I would start night trucking after class.
250
00:11:05,415 --> 00:11:08,125
I-I have short sleeper syndrome,
so I only need about four hours.
251
00:11:08,126 --> 00:11:10,628
And if I work the Jersey-to-DC route
for the rest of college,
252
00:11:10,629 --> 00:11:13,215
I would be able to save up
for a sick-ass condo.
253
00:11:14,091 --> 00:11:15,925
Wow. You've really thought this through.
254
00:11:15,926 --> 00:11:18,261
Yeah, m-my buddy Doink is a econ major.
255
00:11:18,262 --> 00:11:19,346
Doink!
256
00:11:21,390 --> 00:11:23,766
O-Okay, okay, so you have a plan,
257
00:11:23,767 --> 00:11:25,768
but what is the rush to get married?
258
00:11:25,769 --> 00:11:27,311
I mean, you're just a kid.
259
00:11:27,312 --> 00:11:29,313
With mad due respect,
260
00:11:29,314 --> 00:11:31,483
I just love your daughter
way too much to wait.
261
00:11:32,109 --> 00:11:33,109
A-And plus,
262
00:11:33,110 --> 00:11:36,163
didn't Juan propose to you the day
that you guys graduated high school?
263
00:11:36,196 --> 00:11:37,196
He did.
264
00:11:37,197 --> 00:11:39,198
And it looks like it worked out
for you guys.
265
00:11:40,951 --> 00:11:42,202
Why are they high-fiving?
266
00:11:42,744 --> 00:11:45,204
What the hell is he doing now?
267
00:11:45,205 --> 00:11:48,458
Oh God. It's happening to them.
268
00:11:56,341 --> 00:12:00,386
Okay. The bad news is
we gave Swish our blessing.
269
00:12:00,387 --> 00:12:02,972
But, the good news is...
270
00:12:02,973 --> 00:12:05,016
- You get to marry Swish.
- What?!
271
00:12:05,017 --> 00:12:07,768
No. She is
not marrying Swish.
272
00:12:07,769 --> 00:12:08,978
Why not?
273
00:12:08,979 --> 00:12:11,480
You've never been with
anyone this wonderful.
274
00:12:11,481 --> 00:12:14,483
Are you sure that it gets better
than Swish, sweetheart?
275
00:12:14,484 --> 00:12:17,069
- Because we're not.
- That head of hair.
276
00:12:17,070 --> 00:12:18,321
Think of the grandchildren.
277
00:12:18,322 --> 00:12:20,698
This is crazy. This is insane.
278
00:12:20,699 --> 00:12:23,034
You guys, of course
it gets better than Swish.
279
00:12:23,035 --> 00:12:25,203
He's not even the full version
of himself yet!
280
00:12:25,204 --> 00:12:26,955
He still has three baby teeth.
281
00:12:27,664 --> 00:12:28,957
You know what?
282
00:12:29,958 --> 00:12:31,210
Um...
283
00:12:32,044 --> 00:12:33,044
Maybe they're right.
284
00:12:33,045 --> 00:12:34,546
What?
285
00:12:35,255 --> 00:12:38,425
I'll do it. I will marry Swish.
286
00:12:41,553 --> 00:12:42,679
Just so you know...
287
00:12:43,305 --> 00:12:45,473
I haven't been this disappointed
in hot people
288
00:12:45,474 --> 00:12:47,075
since I saw Heidi Klum throw out a
289
00:12:47,087 --> 00:12:48,977
burger just because it fell in a puddle.
290
00:12:51,438 --> 00:12:53,147
Okay.
291
00:12:53,148 --> 00:12:55,192
I think I know
how to fix your situation.
292
00:12:55,567 --> 00:12:58,611
- Charlie moves back to England.
- Unfair! You move back to England!
293
00:12:58,612 --> 00:12:59,904
Listen!
294
00:12:59,905 --> 00:13:03,366
What happened to you guys
reminded me of something.
295
00:13:03,367 --> 00:13:05,869
Something I've worked very hard to forget.
296
00:13:06,662 --> 00:13:09,163
Back when I was with Meredith,
she stayed over all the time.
297
00:13:09,164 --> 00:13:11,415
I came home late one night,
heard the shower,
298
00:13:11,416 --> 00:13:14,126
figured Sid was asleep, so it must be her.
299
00:13:14,127 --> 00:13:18,005
Meanwhile, Sid was showering,
heard the door, assumed it was Hannah...
300
00:13:18,006 --> 00:13:19,507
Okay, we see where this is going.
301
00:13:19,508 --> 00:13:21,509
So you saw your buddy naked. Big deal.
302
00:13:21,510 --> 00:13:24,387
That's not the issue.
It was what I heard.
303
00:13:25,514 --> 00:13:27,348
Missin' some evidence, little lady?
304
00:13:30,269 --> 00:13:33,229
- Why was he Southern?
- Was his penis the evidence?
305
00:13:33,230 --> 00:13:34,564
Yes, Ellen.
306
00:13:34,565 --> 00:13:37,192
And I think he wanted her to...
tamper with it.
307
00:13:38,443 --> 00:13:40,194
Seeing your best friend in sex mode
308
00:13:40,195 --> 00:13:42,363
is one of the hardest things
in life to bounce back from.
309
00:13:42,364 --> 00:13:44,365
The awkwardness is suffocating.
310
00:13:46,869 --> 00:13:49,246
And for Sid and I,
we thought it might be the end of us.
311
00:13:50,873 --> 00:13:53,624
But then, one day, I was at a bookstore,
312
00:13:53,625 --> 00:13:55,960
and I saw the answer
right there in front of me.
313
00:13:57,337 --> 00:14:01,508
Joe Pesci's 101 New York Musts.
314
00:14:02,217 --> 00:14:05,386
Sid and I did every single
dumb activity in that book.
315
00:14:05,387 --> 00:14:08,181
And bit by bit, memory by memory,
316
00:14:08,182 --> 00:14:11,225
we buried the shower fiasco
deeper and deeper
317
00:14:11,226 --> 00:14:13,144
into the recesses of our minds,
318
00:14:13,145 --> 00:14:15,147
until we forgot about it entirely.
319
00:14:16,982 --> 00:14:17,983
Until now.
320
00:14:19,067 --> 00:14:20,568
We need that book.
321
00:14:20,569 --> 00:14:23,405
Charlie!
You've been ignoring me all night.
322
00:14:23,989 --> 00:14:25,991
Right. And that
will stop...
323
00:14:26,950 --> 00:14:28,242
right after I go and do a series
324
00:14:28,243 --> 00:14:30,286
of Joe Pesci-approved activities
with my roommate.
325
00:14:30,287 --> 00:14:31,330
Okay.
326
00:14:33,040 --> 00:14:34,373
Alright, I'm out.
327
00:14:34,374 --> 00:14:37,293
Tell Charlie to find a new farmer.
He'll know what that means.
328
00:14:37,294 --> 00:14:39,796
Wait. Before you go...
329
00:14:40,797 --> 00:14:42,841
can I tell you about something
that happened to me?
330
00:14:44,593 --> 00:14:45,636
No.
331
00:14:49,139 --> 00:14:50,223
Hey.
332
00:14:50,224 --> 00:14:53,392
You can't seriously be
considering marrying Swish, right?
333
00:14:53,393 --> 00:14:54,978
You don't love him.
334
00:14:55,521 --> 00:14:59,190
No, I don't
love him.
But, like, I love him!
335
00:14:59,191 --> 00:15:01,442
And my parents made some good points.
336
00:15:01,443 --> 00:15:03,945
He's an amazing man
that's obsessed with me.
337
00:15:03,946 --> 00:15:05,780
Why should I be running away from that?
338
00:15:05,781 --> 00:15:07,782
What about Charlie?
339
00:15:07,783 --> 00:15:09,785
Because I thought
that he was your endgame.
340
00:15:11,787 --> 00:15:14,248
So did I, but maybe I was wrong.
341
00:15:15,207 --> 00:15:17,333
Babe, come here!
I drew that bird that you dreamed about.
342
00:15:17,334 --> 00:15:18,460
Ooh!
343
00:15:29,930 --> 00:15:31,098
Hey!
344
00:15:31,473 --> 00:15:32,891
What are you guys doing out here?
345
00:15:33,433 --> 00:15:35,435
Sophie put us on a timeout.
346
00:15:36,061 --> 00:15:38,938
I'm Sid, by the way.
Uh, we haven't really met,
347
00:15:38,939 --> 00:15:41,440
but Sophie has a picture
of you guys as her lock screen.
348
00:15:41,441 --> 00:15:42,650
That's troubling.
349
00:15:42,651 --> 00:15:46,070
Yeah. I thought so, too. Um...
350
00:15:46,071 --> 00:15:48,656
Anyway, I heard you guys are,
like, the perfect couple,
351
00:15:48,657 --> 00:15:49,866
and I was just wondering
352
00:15:49,867 --> 00:15:52,493
if you guys could give me
some relationship advice.
353
00:15:52,494 --> 00:15:53,954
Of course.
354
00:15:54,496 --> 00:15:56,163
See, Babe? A podcast
355
00:15:56,164 --> 00:15:58,708
where we give relationship advice
to normals would kill.
356
00:15:58,709 --> 00:15:59,793
Ah...
357
00:16:01,086 --> 00:16:04,088
Have you guys ever wanted
totally opposite things,
358
00:16:04,089 --> 00:16:06,299
where only one of you could get your way?
359
00:16:06,300 --> 00:16:07,592
Yes.
360
00:16:07,593 --> 00:16:09,385
Years ago, I wanted to see
the Spider-Man
361
00:16:09,386 --> 00:16:11,405
where he's that little British boy.
362
00:16:11,430 --> 00:16:13,932
Juan wanted to see
Cats instead,
so we did.
363
00:16:14,850 --> 00:16:15,850
Awful.
364
00:16:15,851 --> 00:16:17,853
I still carry guilt over that.
365
00:16:18,729 --> 00:16:20,188
Don't be too hard on yourself.
366
00:16:20,189 --> 00:16:22,481
The
Cats you imagined was beautiful.
367
00:16:22,482 --> 00:16:24,483
Okay, yeah.
368
00:16:24,484 --> 00:16:26,736
You guys are probably not the people
to talk to about this.
369
00:16:26,737 --> 00:16:28,739
No, wait. Hey. Hold on. Um...
370
00:16:29,531 --> 00:16:31,241
There is one other thing.
371
00:16:32,576 --> 00:16:34,619
I always wanted to have more children,
372
00:16:34,620 --> 00:16:36,371
and she wanted just the one.
373
00:16:37,039 --> 00:16:40,834
That's a big one.
How'd you guys figure it out?
374
00:16:43,086 --> 00:16:45,088
Sometimes, there's no right answer.
375
00:16:46,131 --> 00:16:48,467
There's just your answer, or hers.
376
00:16:49,718 --> 00:16:51,177
I chose hers.
377
00:16:56,350 --> 00:16:58,352
Can I show you something I found?
378
00:16:58,852 --> 00:17:02,063
Sid, if this is another
hamster apology card,
379
00:17:02,064 --> 00:17:05,024
I will watch it and enjoy it,
but I will still be mad at you.
380
00:17:05,025 --> 00:17:07,443
No, this is, uh,
381
00:17:07,444 --> 00:17:10,697
from the night we got engaged.
I never showed it to you.
382
00:17:13,700 --> 00:17:17,161
Hey!
So, we just got back from the airport.
383
00:17:17,162 --> 00:17:19,664
Um, I wanted to document
this night together,
384
00:17:19,665 --> 00:17:22,124
but you had to go be a badass surgeon.
385
00:17:22,125 --> 00:17:24,753
So, uh, it's just me now.
386
00:17:25,170 --> 00:17:27,172
Those people from the Uber
are still here!
387
00:17:27,965 --> 00:17:30,007
They seem fun. We're drinking.
388
00:17:30,008 --> 00:17:33,262
Also, you were totally right.
Jesse has a huge thing for the blonde.
389
00:17:40,727 --> 00:17:42,228
Anyway, uh...
390
00:17:42,229 --> 00:17:44,355
Hey. I'm sad you had to go,
391
00:17:44,356 --> 00:17:46,607
but I really meant what I said earlier.
392
00:17:46,608 --> 00:17:48,527
Like, we can make it
through anything together.
393
00:17:49,194 --> 00:17:50,529
Whatever it takes.
394
00:17:53,156 --> 00:17:56,450
It's time I started living up
to that promise again.
395
00:17:56,451 --> 00:17:59,955
So, Hannah, I am officially open to LA.
396
00:18:01,498 --> 00:18:03,876
Gonna try and imagine
what it's like to, you know,
397
00:18:04,585 --> 00:18:05,627
live there.
398
00:18:06,253 --> 00:18:08,004
- Really?
- Yeah.
399
00:18:08,005 --> 00:18:10,256
I mean, if you love it so much,
it's gotta be worth loving.
400
00:18:15,888 --> 00:18:17,222
Mm... Yeah.
401
00:18:33,155 --> 00:18:34,906
Whatever this is, make it quick.
402
00:18:34,907 --> 00:18:37,158
Swish is on me about what
our wedding colors are gonna be.
403
00:18:37,159 --> 00:18:38,659
Okay, just gimme 30 seconds.
404
00:18:40,120 --> 00:18:42,038
- Mm.
- Okay, say something. I'm recording.
405
00:18:42,039 --> 00:18:44,832
Um, a huge congratulations
406
00:18:44,833 --> 00:18:46,209
to Hannah and Sid!
407
00:18:46,210 --> 00:18:47,502
It is Hannah and Sid, isn't it?
408
00:18:47,503 --> 00:18:50,046
I'm not sure, but you already said it,
so just push through.
409
00:18:50,047 --> 00:18:52,131
Um, well, we've only just met you,
410
00:18:52,132 --> 00:18:55,009
but we are truly very happy for you.
411
00:18:55,010 --> 00:18:58,472
You are clearly in love,
and I know how good that feels.
412
00:18:58,972 --> 00:18:59,972
Wait, what?
413
00:18:59,973 --> 00:19:01,807
You love me?
414
00:19:01,808 --> 00:19:04,227
No. No, I was
talking about somebody else.
415
00:19:04,228 --> 00:19:06,708
- You don't actually know them.
- Oh, is that right?
416
00:19:07,856 --> 00:19:09,065
What about the video?
417
00:19:09,066 --> 00:19:11,067
Mm, who cares?
We're never gonna see it again.
418
00:19:13,070 --> 00:19:15,154
Maybe you're right.
419
00:19:15,155 --> 00:19:17,866
Maybe Charlie is not your end game.
420
00:19:18,700 --> 00:19:21,244
But, for a while, you loved him, Val.
421
00:19:21,245 --> 00:19:23,746
You really,
really loved him.
422
00:19:23,747 --> 00:19:26,040
And if you think that you can find
that kind of love
423
00:19:26,041 --> 00:19:28,543
with Swish, then I say go for it.
424
00:19:28,544 --> 00:19:30,045
But if you can't?
425
00:19:30,712 --> 00:19:33,714
Go find it. Okay?
426
00:19:33,715 --> 00:19:36,133
Whether that's with Charlie
or with someone else.
427
00:19:40,305 --> 00:19:41,807
No, you're right.
428
00:19:44,017 --> 00:19:46,019
I'll hold out for true love.
429
00:19:47,312 --> 00:19:48,980
God, thanks a lot, you asshole.
430
00:19:54,069 --> 00:19:56,863
She broke Swish's heart that night.
431
00:20:07,416 --> 00:20:09,751
But he got happily married weeks later!
432
00:20:10,544 --> 00:20:12,182
He owns an island now.
433
00:20:13,881 --> 00:20:17,133
Didn't even have to pay for it.
The US government was just like,
434
00:20:17,134 --> 00:20:19,135
"Here!"
435
00:20:19,136 --> 00:20:21,637
Sorry. So sorry.
436
00:20:21,638 --> 00:20:22,931
Sorry.
437
00:20:24,349 --> 00:20:25,517
Look after him, Doink.
438
00:20:27,978 --> 00:20:29,770
We were trying to help.
439
00:20:29,771 --> 00:20:32,690
I know. You want me to find true love,
440
00:20:32,691 --> 00:20:33,691
and I will.
441
00:20:33,692 --> 00:20:36,195
I wanted you to marry literally Swish.
442
00:20:38,071 --> 00:20:41,128
He'll get over it.
Just give him some time, huh?
443
00:20:44,703 --> 00:20:45,996
How do you feel?
444
00:20:47,080 --> 00:20:49,582
Guilty. Humiliated.
445
00:20:49,583 --> 00:20:50,778
And?
446
00:20:51,585 --> 00:20:53,212
Single!
447
00:20:54,296 --> 00:20:55,618
We did it!
448
00:21:04,640 --> 00:21:07,100
We can look at each other
in the eye again. Watch.
449
00:21:08,018 --> 00:21:09,018
Huh?
450
00:21:09,019 --> 00:21:12,272
That book...
Jesse, why does that book look familiar?
451
00:21:15,943 --> 00:21:17,818
Sid, we gotta go
to Times Square right now.
452
00:21:17,819 --> 00:21:19,157
Okay.
453
00:21:20,956 --> 00:21:21,284
Synced and corrected by
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