Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:15,557 --> 00:00:19,143
Okay. Which one of these says
"sexy weekend away
2
00:00:19,144 --> 00:00:22,606
with my sexy boyfriend
at his sexy country house?" Left or right?
3
00:00:22,981 --> 00:00:24,566
Girl, just be naked.
4
00:00:25,442 --> 00:00:27,277
God, you're cool.
5
00:00:29,071 --> 00:00:30,321
I'm so excited.
6
00:00:30,322 --> 00:00:34,158
I finally found
an amazing, uncomplicated guy?
7
00:00:34,159 --> 00:00:36,911
Everything about
this relationship is normal.
8
00:00:36,912 --> 00:00:38,329
I was wrong.
9
00:00:38,330 --> 00:00:40,414
So, what's the latest with Swish?
10
00:00:40,415 --> 00:00:42,917
You still engaged to your child groom?
11
00:00:42,918 --> 00:00:44,877
Currently, yes,
12
00:00:44,878 --> 00:00:48,381
but I give it 24 hours before
he gets cold feet and calls it off.
13
00:00:48,382 --> 00:00:49,924
She was wrong.
14
00:00:49,925 --> 00:00:51,759
He's probably in his dorm right now
15
00:00:51,760 --> 00:00:53,971
figuring out how to let me down gently.
16
00:00:54,346 --> 00:00:56,557
I need you to send me
Grandma's engagement ring.
17
00:00:57,057 --> 00:00:59,309
Very, very wrong.
18
00:01:00,519 --> 00:01:01,686
Wonderful news!
19
00:01:01,687 --> 00:01:03,354
It's Lost and Found Day.
20
00:01:03,355 --> 00:01:05,439
Really? The box is full already?
21
00:01:05,440 --> 00:01:07,024
Yes. Lost and Found Day rules!
22
00:01:07,025 --> 00:01:08,901
Last time, I got a Sheryl Crow cassette,
23
00:01:08,902 --> 00:01:10,862
a packet of Fun Dip, and a muzzle.
24
00:01:10,863 --> 00:01:12,822
Rachel and I had a wild night.
25
00:01:12,823 --> 00:01:14,031
Ooh! Shotgun first pick!
26
00:01:14,032 --> 00:01:15,867
Uh, no. The order is going to be decided
27
00:01:15,868 --> 00:01:18,954
by our brand new...
28
00:01:20,330 --> 00:01:21,623
order hopper!
29
00:01:22,583 --> 00:01:25,501
The first pick is...
30
00:01:25,502 --> 00:01:26,753
Mm...
31
00:01:27,671 --> 00:01:28,963
- Jesse.
- Woo!
32
00:01:28,964 --> 00:01:31,800
How did that happen?
I rigged this thing with 16 Charlie balls.
33
00:01:32,259 --> 00:01:33,343
Alright...
34
00:01:35,095 --> 00:01:37,597
Mm... Ah!
35
00:01:37,598 --> 00:01:40,516
Whoa! This is awesome!
36
00:01:40,517 --> 00:01:42,643
"To my darling grandson."
37
00:01:42,644 --> 00:01:45,981
Ha, ha! Not anymore!
Suck it, grandson.
38
00:01:46,440 --> 00:01:49,233
The next pick is...
39
00:01:49,234 --> 00:01:50,485
Mm...
40
00:01:51,737 --> 00:01:54,198
- Valentina. What have I done here?
- Yes!
41
00:01:55,908 --> 00:01:59,036
Snip and Save:
A Complete Guide to Home Haircuts.
42
00:02:00,454 --> 00:02:01,954
Wow. That is so sad.
43
00:02:01,955 --> 00:02:03,165
Wait, actually, that's mine.
44
00:02:04,374 --> 00:02:06,751
I've been doing whatever
I can to cut back.
45
00:02:06,752 --> 00:02:08,461
Get it? Cut back? Huh?
46
00:02:08,462 --> 00:02:10,213
Sweetie, we get it.
47
00:02:10,214 --> 00:02:12,298
- Do you need to borrow money?
- Whatever. Hand it over.
48
00:02:12,299 --> 00:02:15,593
No way! Per the Lost and Found Day
rules, it's mine now.
49
00:02:15,594 --> 00:02:18,179
Please. I need it back.
Here, I-I'll trade you the watch.
50
00:02:18,180 --> 00:02:20,223
Why would you trade
a nice watch for a book
51
00:02:20,224 --> 00:02:21,892
that should be a YouTube video?
52
00:02:23,101 --> 00:02:25,645
Hm. There must be something
special about this book.
53
00:02:25,646 --> 00:02:28,356
Yeah! There is. Th-The author's...
54
00:02:28,357 --> 00:02:31,693
extremely nuanced approach to... layering.
55
00:02:32,653 --> 00:02:34,654
Yeah, you're being weird.
You can't have it!
56
00:02:34,655 --> 00:02:35,821
Damn it, Valentina!
57
00:02:35,822 --> 00:02:38,741
Fine. I'd like to challenge you
for the book.
58
00:02:38,742 --> 00:02:41,244
Ooh! We haven't had a challenge
59
00:02:41,245 --> 00:02:43,955
since that infamous dance-off
for that police badge.
60
00:02:43,956 --> 00:02:47,667
I wormed my way onto a lot
of crime scenes that night.
61
00:02:47,668 --> 00:02:48,710
Ding, ding!
62
00:02:53,173 --> 00:02:55,299
Our flight to Los Angeles
is ready for departure.
63
00:02:55,300 --> 00:02:56,592
Hey, yo, can I lay on that?
64
00:02:56,593 --> 00:02:59,263
Oh. Um, sure.
65
00:03:04,101 --> 00:03:06,018
- Excuse me?
- Oh, yeah, no selfies.
66
00:03:06,019 --> 00:03:07,436
I'm just trying to live my life over here.
67
00:03:07,437 --> 00:03:10,064
Oh, I wasn't trying to...
What, are you famous?
68
00:03:10,065 --> 00:03:13,443
Bro. I'm Li'l Toasty. The rapper.
69
00:03:14,862 --> 00:03:16,821
Dude, of course, you are. I was just...
70
00:03:16,822 --> 00:03:18,582
I'm sorry.
I was just trying to play it cool.
71
00:03:19,700 --> 00:03:21,576
You mind switching seats with me?
72
00:03:21,577 --> 00:03:24,538
I mean, a rapper of your caliber
should not be sitting in the middle seat.
73
00:03:25,080 --> 00:03:26,290
Blessings.
74
00:03:27,291 --> 00:03:28,333
Slide under.
75
00:03:29,251 --> 00:03:31,170
And I'm getting a lap dance.
76
00:03:32,212 --> 00:03:34,672
Can I have your attention?
We'd like to point out...
77
00:03:34,673 --> 00:03:37,300
Thank you. You're a lifesaver.
78
00:03:37,301 --> 00:03:39,302
No problem.
79
00:03:39,303 --> 00:03:41,387
Did you know who he is?
80
00:03:41,388 --> 00:03:43,973
Sadly, I do.
81
00:03:43,974 --> 00:03:46,393
My nephew's on a bad path.
82
00:03:48,854 --> 00:03:49,937
What's in LA?
83
00:03:49,938 --> 00:03:52,148
- Uh, my wife lives there. You?
- Hm.
84
00:03:52,149 --> 00:03:53,775
Uh, my boyfriend lives there.
85
00:03:55,277 --> 00:03:57,404
Long distance, am I right?
86
00:03:58,113 --> 00:03:59,948
- You are.
- Hm...
87
00:04:10,501 --> 00:04:12,503
- Hey, yo, can I lay on that?
- No!
88
00:04:16,882 --> 00:04:20,135
Mm... Delicious.
89
00:04:20,886 --> 00:04:24,056
I'm getting notes of
not from Trader Joe's.
90
00:04:25,599 --> 00:04:27,100
You know what else I got?
91
00:04:28,352 --> 00:04:30,645
Homemade pigs in a blanket
92
00:04:30,646 --> 00:04:33,856
and an actual blanket,
so we can be...
93
00:04:33,857 --> 00:04:37,569
pigs in a blanket
while we eat pigs in a blanket.
94
00:04:38,862 --> 00:04:41,698
I have never found being
called a pig so romantic.
95
00:04:42,533 --> 00:04:44,201
Hey, you wanna pick a record?
96
00:04:47,204 --> 00:04:48,538
Jane's Addiction!
97
00:04:48,539 --> 00:04:52,375
I got to see them play
the very first Lollapalooza.
98
00:04:52,376 --> 00:04:55,378
'91, middle of Arizona,
99
00:04:55,379 --> 00:04:56,713
about a thousand degrees.
100
00:04:58,173 --> 00:05:01,552
You know, I met your father
at a Jane's Addiction concert.
101
00:05:02,636 --> 00:05:05,179
At the first-ever Lollapalooza
102
00:05:05,180 --> 00:05:07,098
back in 1991.
103
00:05:07,099 --> 00:05:09,392
So my boyfriend was at the same concert
104
00:05:09,393 --> 00:05:13,020
where my mom conceived me.
That didn't mean he was my dad.
105
00:05:13,021 --> 00:05:16,691
I remember my buddy Chip.
He got us backstage that night.
106
00:05:16,692 --> 00:05:18,734
Man, it's so cool
107
00:05:18,735 --> 00:05:20,779
to see a band from behind.
108
00:05:22,197 --> 00:05:24,448
I got invited backstage that night.
109
00:05:24,449 --> 00:05:26,409
You think Dave Navarro
looks good from the front,
110
00:05:26,410 --> 00:05:28,035
you should see him from behind, eh?
111
00:05:28,036 --> 00:05:31,748
Or maybe I've been mackin' on my daddy.
112
00:05:32,708 --> 00:05:34,458
- Another dog?
- Oh.
113
00:05:34,459 --> 00:05:37,629
Oh! My dad! My bad. My bad.
114
00:05:38,130 --> 00:05:39,381
It's okay, sweetie.
115
00:05:48,015 --> 00:05:50,516
- Open your mouth.
- No! Why? What are you gonna do?
116
00:05:50,517 --> 00:05:52,143
I was gonna feed you this mini quiche.
117
00:05:52,144 --> 00:05:54,062
Oh. Ah...
118
00:05:54,521 --> 00:05:56,106
What?
119
00:05:56,690 --> 00:05:58,191
Why does your apron say "daddy"?
120
00:05:58,192 --> 00:05:59,651
'Cause I'm the daddy of the kitchen.
121
00:06:00,027 --> 00:06:02,029
Cute. Cute.
122
00:06:03,947 --> 00:06:06,407
You know, I can't stop thinking about
123
00:06:06,408 --> 00:06:09,411
how handsome you must have
been back at Lollapalooza.
124
00:06:09,953 --> 00:06:11,371
Do you have any old pictures?
125
00:06:12,164 --> 00:06:15,167
Uh... Lemme think about it. Oh.
126
00:06:17,044 --> 00:06:20,963
Here's one of me in 1990
with my beautiful mom.
127
00:06:20,964 --> 00:06:22,715
Oh, no.
128
00:06:22,716 --> 00:06:25,010
Do you have any photos
specifically from Lollapalooza?
129
00:06:25,385 --> 00:06:28,387
Gotta have an old photo album
around here somewhere.
130
00:06:28,388 --> 00:06:30,598
Gotta promise not to make fun of my hair.
131
00:06:30,599 --> 00:06:32,350
No judgment.
132
00:06:32,351 --> 00:06:35,354
Well, I was being conceived in 1991,
so I didn't even have any hair!
133
00:06:38,524 --> 00:06:40,984
We have the same snort.
What are the odds?
134
00:06:41,568 --> 00:06:44,071
Pretty slim, Robert. Pretty slim.
135
00:06:45,864 --> 00:06:48,366
Ladies and gentlemen, you have joined us
136
00:06:48,367 --> 00:06:50,993
for a very special occasion
here at Pemberton's.
137
00:06:50,994 --> 00:06:54,038
It's Lost and Found Day,
Challenge Edition!
138
00:06:54,039 --> 00:06:55,873
Huh? Huh?
139
00:06:55,874 --> 00:06:58,835
Um, how long is this gonna take?
'Cause we're on a first date.
140
00:06:58,836 --> 00:07:01,588
The best first date
of your goddamn life!
141
00:07:02,130 --> 00:07:05,800
Our friends Jesse and Valentina
are going to be competing
142
00:07:05,801 --> 00:07:07,760
for this guide to self-haircuts.
143
00:07:07,761 --> 00:07:10,096
How, you ask?
By assembling outfits
144
00:07:10,097 --> 00:07:13,724
using only items
from the Lost and Found box!
145
00:07:13,725 --> 00:07:15,726
What?!
146
00:07:15,727 --> 00:07:17,854
I should have listened
to the Yelp reviews.
147
00:07:17,855 --> 00:07:19,564
They all said this place was very weird.
148
00:07:19,565 --> 00:07:21,649
It really is, my man. It really is.
149
00:07:21,650 --> 00:07:25,486
Now, let's all honk for the hunk
with the junk in his trunk.
150
00:07:25,487 --> 00:07:29,407
I am, of course,
talking about Jesse Walker!
151
00:07:29,408 --> 00:07:30,658
Wow!
152
00:07:30,659 --> 00:07:33,828
Jesse really is giving us Matrix- chic
in his leather trench.
153
00:07:33,829 --> 00:07:36,038
Send your thoughts
and prayers to my eyeballs
154
00:07:36,039 --> 00:07:38,125
because they are dead from this fit.
155
00:07:41,044 --> 00:07:43,045
Yes! Eight!
156
00:07:43,046 --> 00:07:45,214
Can we really not get a drink
until after this is over...
157
00:07:45,215 --> 00:07:46,799
That's correct. Now, be quiet.
158
00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:48,426
Next on the runway,
159
00:07:48,427 --> 00:07:50,970
we have the beautiful Valentina Morales!
160
00:07:50,971 --> 00:07:54,015
- Ooh...
- Wow. Valentina seems to be wearing
161
00:07:54,016 --> 00:07:56,518
a janitor's uniform lost
by somebody named Gerald.
162
00:07:58,979 --> 00:08:01,939
Are you freakin' kidding me?!
How does it fit her so well?!
163
00:08:01,940 --> 00:08:04,818
I've seen you around the bar
and I had this made for you.
164
00:08:05,402 --> 00:08:07,237
It's your exact measurements.
165
00:08:08,155 --> 00:08:10,824
Yeah, I'm not wearing this, bro.
166
00:08:12,951 --> 00:08:16,246
- Ellen?
- One word. Transcendent.
167
00:08:19,416 --> 00:08:22,835
- Damn it!
- She's a 10. Yes!
168
00:08:22,836 --> 00:08:25,047
This lame-ass book is all mine.
169
00:08:32,763 --> 00:08:35,598
You know what else sucks
about long-distance relationships?
170
00:08:35,599 --> 00:08:37,767
Two time zones.
171
00:08:37,768 --> 00:08:41,020
We are one country.
We shouldn't have two time zones.
172
00:08:41,021 --> 00:08:43,232
We don't. We have three.
173
00:08:43,941 --> 00:08:46,151
We might even have four.
174
00:08:46,527 --> 00:08:48,237
America's a mess.
175
00:08:49,071 --> 00:08:50,947
Point is, it sucks.
176
00:08:50,948 --> 00:08:52,741
Totally! Totally.
177
00:08:53,867 --> 00:08:55,576
But more than that,
178
00:08:55,577 --> 00:08:59,330
it's just hard to feel... close.
179
00:08:59,331 --> 00:09:01,333
- You know?
- Yeah.
180
00:09:03,126 --> 00:09:04,544
I mean, Hannah and I are doing our best
181
00:09:04,545 --> 00:09:07,381
but this is not how I pictured
our first year of marriage.
182
00:09:08,757 --> 00:09:11,343
It's really nice to talk
to someone who gets it.
183
00:09:12,135 --> 00:09:13,929
Yeah, it is.
184
00:09:14,763 --> 00:09:16,889
Hey, if y'all aren't gonna
watch a movie, can you throw
185
00:09:16,890 --> 00:09:18,724
Puss in Boots 2: The Last Wish
186
00:09:18,725 --> 00:09:20,351
on both your screens for your boy?
187
00:09:20,352 --> 00:09:23,063
I'm trying to do this shit IMAX-style.
188
00:09:24,356 --> 00:09:25,898
That's my buddy Garlic.
189
00:09:25,899 --> 00:09:27,358
You'll never guess how
he got that nickname.
190
00:09:27,359 --> 00:09:30,319
Bet I could, Robert.
Uh, where's the Lollapalooza pic?
191
00:09:30,320 --> 00:09:32,322
I found it.
192
00:09:42,541 --> 00:09:46,335
Do you mind going downstairs
and opening another bottle of wine?
193
00:09:46,336 --> 00:09:47,670
I'd love to freshen up.
194
00:09:47,671 --> 00:09:50,382
Oh, yeah. Maybe make a fire?
195
00:09:53,844 --> 00:09:56,471
Came out a little more paternal
than I would have liked.
196
00:10:00,517 --> 00:10:02,060
God... Oh, my God...
197
00:10:10,277 --> 00:10:12,279
Too much? Nah...
198
00:10:12,779 --> 00:10:13,822
Ah...
199
00:10:23,790 --> 00:10:25,292
Babe!
200
00:10:26,627 --> 00:10:30,505
So, I dusted the chunks
of pergola off my sweater,
201
00:10:30,506 --> 00:10:33,382
jumped in my rental car,
and called my mom.
202
00:10:33,383 --> 00:10:36,845
Mom! Please call me back!
I think I'm dating my dad!
203
00:10:40,098 --> 00:10:43,310
Oh, no, no, no, no!
204
00:10:44,686 --> 00:10:46,688
Oh god.
205
00:10:55,030 --> 00:10:56,281
Dude.
206
00:11:03,372 --> 00:11:05,665
Listen! I'm so sorry. I...
207
00:11:05,666 --> 00:11:07,668
- Me first.
- Huh?
208
00:11:08,293 --> 00:11:11,796
My name is Barney Stinson,
and I am a recovering serial womanizer.
209
00:11:11,797 --> 00:11:14,131
We are likely speaking today
because you are a woman
210
00:11:14,132 --> 00:11:16,802
I once concocted an elaborate scheme
to have sex with.
211
00:11:17,719 --> 00:11:20,012
I fully understand why you
have exacted revenge on me,
212
00:11:20,013 --> 00:11:23,599
and I apologize if I ever,
A, pretended to be a mannequin
213
00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:25,935
that came to life
and made you fall in love with me.
214
00:11:25,936 --> 00:11:28,646
B, hired a makeup team to transform me
215
00:11:28,647 --> 00:11:30,064
into a time-traveling old man
216
00:11:30,065 --> 00:11:32,149
and told you that the only way
to stop global warming
217
00:11:32,150 --> 00:11:33,569
was to sleep with young me.
218
00:11:34,194 --> 00:11:36,529
C, told you I was Justin Hemsworth,
219
00:11:36,530 --> 00:11:39,574
the long-lost eldest Hemsworth brother...
220
00:11:39,575 --> 00:11:42,451
Oh my god, stop talking.
Why do I have a feeling you have, like,
221
00:11:42,452 --> 00:11:44,996
50 more creepy things on that list?
222
00:11:44,997 --> 00:11:47,833
Fifty?
There's, like, hundreds.
223
00:11:49,585 --> 00:11:53,337
I did not crash into you to...
exact revenge.
224
00:11:53,338 --> 00:11:56,257
We've never met.
I'm just a new driver
225
00:11:56,258 --> 00:11:58,635
in the middle of
the worst night of my life.
226
00:11:59,052 --> 00:12:02,138
I guess I would have recognized
the three of you if we had met.
227
00:12:02,139 --> 00:12:03,515
What?
228
00:12:04,141 --> 00:12:05,516
You and your boobs.
229
00:12:05,517 --> 00:12:08,269
What?! What happened?!
230
00:12:08,270 --> 00:12:11,481
My STD. Shock therapy device.
231
00:12:12,107 --> 00:12:14,984
It's this experimental new
232
00:12:14,985 --> 00:12:17,612
electroshock treatment for guys like me.
233
00:12:17,613 --> 00:12:20,114
This sucker is programed
234
00:12:20,115 --> 00:12:22,867
with 10,000 problematic words and phrases.
235
00:12:22,868 --> 00:12:25,244
If I utter one of them, it blasts me
236
00:12:25,245 --> 00:12:27,998
with enough electricity
to power Staten Island.
237
00:12:29,166 --> 00:12:31,459
Whoa. And that really works?
238
00:12:31,460 --> 00:12:33,336
Uh, yeah.
239
00:12:33,337 --> 00:12:35,463
When I first saw you, I wanted to say,
240
00:12:35,464 --> 00:12:38,050
"You rear-ended me,
so how about I rear-end you?"
241
00:12:42,930 --> 00:12:43,972
But I didn't.
242
00:12:44,473 --> 00:12:46,682
Well, uh, fun chat.
243
00:12:46,683 --> 00:12:49,519
What do you say
I Venmo you for the damage?
244
00:12:49,520 --> 00:12:52,564
What do you think's fair?
Like, 30... 40 bucks?
245
00:12:54,983 --> 00:12:56,859
Okay, 50! Final offer!
246
00:12:56,860 --> 00:13:00,197
Honey, my left shoelace cost $50.
247
00:13:00,989 --> 00:13:02,407
This is a new low.
248
00:13:02,908 --> 00:13:05,368
First, I find out I'm dating my maybe dad,
249
00:13:05,369 --> 00:13:08,162
and now I'm gonna go bankrupt
because I crashed into
250
00:13:08,163 --> 00:13:10,331
the fanciest perv in New York.
251
00:13:10,332 --> 00:13:13,209
I'm sorry. You just found out you're
maybe dating your maybe what? Who? What?
252
00:13:13,210 --> 00:13:15,003
It's a long story.
253
00:13:16,922 --> 00:13:19,298
How about you tell me
254
00:13:19,299 --> 00:13:23,261
your twisted tale of
daughter-daddy lust and intrigue,
255
00:13:23,262 --> 00:13:26,849
and if your story is juicy enough,
the car is on me.
256
00:13:27,641 --> 00:13:31,269
Really?
That's a... pretty weird challenge.
257
00:13:31,270 --> 00:13:32,854
If there's one thing
you should know about me,
258
00:13:32,855 --> 00:13:34,398
it's that I love a weird challenge.
259
00:13:35,107 --> 00:13:36,148
Okay.
260
00:13:36,149 --> 00:13:38,818
So, my friend and I,
we went to this party.
261
00:13:38,819 --> 00:13:40,069
- Okay.
- And I met a chef...
262
00:13:40,070 --> 00:13:42,322
Yeah, you did.
263
00:13:44,616 --> 00:13:46,743
Come on!
264
00:13:51,665 --> 00:13:53,165
Thank you for meeting me here.
265
00:13:53,166 --> 00:13:55,794
Stop being weird. We literally
just walked into another room.
266
00:13:56,795 --> 00:13:59,547
This receipt has a love song
written on it.
267
00:13:59,548 --> 00:14:00,840
About Sophie.
268
00:14:00,841 --> 00:14:03,050
- Yeah.
- When did you write it?
269
00:14:03,051 --> 00:14:06,262
Oh god, a long, long time ago.
I barely remember.
270
00:14:06,263 --> 00:14:08,389
Oh, you wrote it last week.
271
00:14:08,390 --> 00:14:12,311
Same day you bought three
extra-extra-large shirts at Gap Kids.
272
00:14:12,769 --> 00:14:16,230
Kids' clothes are just cheaper, okay?
And, yes, I wrote it last week.
273
00:14:16,231 --> 00:14:18,233
And, yes,
I still have feelings for Sophie.
274
00:14:19,526 --> 00:14:21,402
- What are you gonna do?
- Nothing.
275
00:14:21,403 --> 00:14:23,613
I mean, there was a minute there
where I thought about telling her,
276
00:14:23,614 --> 00:14:25,781
but then she got with Robert,
and I realized it's for the best.
277
00:14:25,782 --> 00:14:27,700
I mean, it was a complete disaster
the first time around.
278
00:14:27,701 --> 00:14:29,785
It would probably be a disaster again,
279
00:14:29,786 --> 00:14:31,288
and I just need to move on.
280
00:14:32,122 --> 00:14:35,208
So, let's just both forget
you ever found that song.
281
00:14:35,209 --> 00:14:37,211
Like Sid did when
he found my poem about...
282
00:14:38,295 --> 00:14:39,755
about Hillary Clinton.
283
00:14:44,384 --> 00:14:45,427
Deal.
284
00:14:46,803 --> 00:14:47,846
Thank you.
285
00:14:58,690 --> 00:15:02,026
Then I jumped in my rental car,
called my mom,
286
00:15:02,027 --> 00:15:04,279
and then crashed into you.
287
00:15:07,658 --> 00:15:09,576
Oh, thank God!
288
00:15:10,160 --> 00:15:11,911
"That's not your dad in the picture.
289
00:15:11,912 --> 00:15:14,622
I did buy ecstasy from him, though. Yum."
290
00:15:14,623 --> 00:15:15,998
She sounds fun.
291
00:15:15,999 --> 00:15:17,292
She is.
292
00:15:17,960 --> 00:15:19,502
Oh my god, that's so great.
293
00:15:19,503 --> 00:15:21,505
He's not my dad!
294
00:15:23,048 --> 00:15:26,467
He's just another great guy
that I ran away from
295
00:15:26,468 --> 00:15:29,763
because I'm a complete mess. Woo.
296
00:15:32,307 --> 00:15:34,225
When you were little,
297
00:15:34,226 --> 00:15:37,062
who did you picture
when you were imagining him?
298
00:15:38,522 --> 00:15:41,399
Bryan Cranston.
From Malcolm in the Middle.
299
00:15:41,400 --> 00:15:43,776
Not Breaking Bad.
I couldn't even watch that.
300
00:15:43,777 --> 00:15:45,654
I didn't wanna see my dad cooking meth.
301
00:15:47,906 --> 00:15:49,616
For me, it was Bob Barker.
302
00:15:50,325 --> 00:15:53,160
I always dreamed that one day,
he'd pull up outside my school,
303
00:15:53,161 --> 00:15:55,663
and we'd go spay and neuter pets together.
304
00:15:55,664 --> 00:15:56,915
- Wow.
- Yeah.
305
00:15:58,250 --> 00:16:00,001
So, you don't know your dad either?
306
00:16:00,002 --> 00:16:01,961
Actually, now I do.
307
00:16:01,962 --> 00:16:05,715
A great friend of mine
lost his father a while back.
308
00:16:05,716 --> 00:16:09,094
And so, I decided to track down
my own before it was too late.
309
00:16:10,929 --> 00:16:12,597
Did you ever think about finding yours?
310
00:16:12,598 --> 00:16:14,473
Of course.
311
00:16:14,474 --> 00:16:17,643
But then, I worry that
he's gonna be a criminal.
312
00:16:17,644 --> 00:16:19,395
Or a drunk.
313
00:16:19,396 --> 00:16:22,065
- Or a prop comic.
- Ew.
314
00:16:25,569 --> 00:16:28,071
And then other times, I think that he...
315
00:16:28,655 --> 00:16:31,490
could be everything
that's ever been missing from my life
316
00:16:31,491 --> 00:16:33,242
and completely transform me
317
00:16:33,243 --> 00:16:36,538
into the best version
of myself that I could be.
318
00:16:37,289 --> 00:16:40,833
Fix your abandonment issues,
your commitment issues,
319
00:16:40,834 --> 00:16:43,962
your "not seeing women
as human being" issues.
320
00:16:44,713 --> 00:16:47,089
- Did your dad do all of that for you?
- Ha.
321
00:16:47,090 --> 00:16:49,133
No. Uh,
322
00:16:49,134 --> 00:16:51,135
actually, a few years back,
323
00:16:51,136 --> 00:16:54,139
a really amazing girl came into my life.
324
00:16:56,808 --> 00:16:58,810
My daughter Ellie.
325
00:17:00,312 --> 00:17:03,982
She is the best thing that ever
happened to an idiot like me.
326
00:17:05,108 --> 00:17:07,402
The moment I saw her, I knew...
327
00:17:08,362 --> 00:17:09,696
I had to change.
328
00:17:11,198 --> 00:17:12,324
Don't get me wrong.
329
00:17:12,783 --> 00:17:14,575
My dad is great.
330
00:17:14,576 --> 00:17:17,453
He's kind and funny,
331
00:17:17,454 --> 00:17:19,831
and watching the two of them
together, it just...
332
00:17:22,167 --> 00:17:24,002
You get it.
333
00:17:25,796 --> 00:17:26,922
Yeah.
334
00:17:29,967 --> 00:17:33,262
Look, if you ever do decide
to track down your dad,
335
00:17:34,388 --> 00:17:37,266
it probably won't fix all your problems.
336
00:17:38,767 --> 00:17:41,061
But, if you get lucky, like I did,
337
00:17:42,312 --> 00:17:43,355
could be great.
338
00:17:49,361 --> 00:17:53,198
So was my story juicy enough for you,
or are you gonna make me pay?
339
00:17:54,825 --> 00:17:55,951
You're off the hook.
340
00:17:56,702 --> 00:17:58,871
You don't have to Venmo me anything.
341
00:17:59,621 --> 00:18:03,166
Or, as my past self used to say,
you don't have to Ven-hoe me any...
342
00:18:04,835 --> 00:18:07,379
I said past self!
343
00:18:27,608 --> 00:18:28,984
- Hey, baby.
- Hey.
344
00:18:29,776 --> 00:18:30,818
Mm!
345
00:18:30,819 --> 00:18:33,154
- How was your flight?
- Uh, you know, the usual.
346
00:18:33,155 --> 00:18:35,990
You hungry? I ordered from
that Thai place that you love.
347
00:18:35,991 --> 00:18:38,201
And I got two mango sticky rices this time
348
00:18:38,202 --> 00:18:40,204
because I learned from my mistakes.
349
00:18:47,794 --> 00:18:49,545
Hey.
350
00:18:49,546 --> 00:18:50,963
Robert!
351
00:18:50,964 --> 00:18:52,340
What are you doing here?
352
00:18:52,341 --> 00:18:56,010
I'm looking for you
to make sure you're okay
353
00:18:56,011 --> 00:18:58,722
'cause you jumped out the window
and fled my house.
354
00:18:59,097 --> 00:19:00,641
Oh. Right.
355
00:19:03,810 --> 00:19:06,812
The picture you showed me
from Lollapalooza,
356
00:19:06,813 --> 00:19:10,025
the woman that you had
your arm around is my mom.
357
00:19:10,692 --> 00:19:13,903
- What?
- Yeah, and I briefly spiraled,
358
00:19:13,904 --> 00:19:16,532
thinking that you were my dad
I've never met.
359
00:19:17,407 --> 00:19:19,701
Because I was actually conceived
at that concert.
360
00:19:20,118 --> 00:19:23,079
- What?
- Yeah. Don't worry! You're not.
361
00:19:23,080 --> 00:19:26,207
Yeah, I know.
I was on a celibacy kick back then.
362
00:19:26,208 --> 00:19:27,960
The '90s were a weird time.
363
00:19:31,129 --> 00:19:33,257
- That's your mom?
- Yeah.
364
00:19:34,258 --> 00:19:36,551
Okay, we didn't sleep together,
365
00:19:36,552 --> 00:19:37,594
but we kissed.
366
00:19:38,011 --> 00:19:39,929
- You did?
- And did other stuff.
367
00:19:39,930 --> 00:19:40,930
You did?
368
00:19:42,015 --> 00:19:45,269
- A lot of other stuff.
- Oh! Why didn't she tell me that?
369
00:19:45,853 --> 00:19:47,478
Ugh, didn't see this text.
370
00:19:47,479 --> 00:19:50,773
"He was on some lame celibacy thing,
371
00:19:50,774 --> 00:19:54,403
so we just explored each other's bodies
with our hands and our mouth..."
372
00:19:55,237 --> 00:19:57,739
Yeah. I told you it was a weird time.
373
00:19:58,407 --> 00:20:01,159
But, Sophie, it was years ago.
374
00:20:02,160 --> 00:20:03,160
Decades.
375
00:20:03,161 --> 00:20:05,621
Three decades.
We could come back from this.
376
00:20:05,622 --> 00:20:08,125
We can totally come back from this.
377
00:20:15,382 --> 00:20:18,385
- We can't come back from this!
- We can't come back from this.
378
00:20:23,015 --> 00:20:24,433
Goodbye, Robert.
379
00:20:27,019 --> 00:20:28,811
Goodbye, Sophie.
380
00:20:28,812 --> 00:20:31,023
Say hi to your mom for me.
381
00:20:32,858 --> 00:20:35,569
Ai!
382
00:20:37,779 --> 00:20:39,740
- Hi.
- Hi!
383
00:20:40,741 --> 00:20:41,991
I broke up with Robert.
384
00:20:41,992 --> 00:20:43,577
Wait, what happened?
385
00:20:45,037 --> 00:20:47,039
I don't even know where to begin.
386
00:20:49,082 --> 00:20:50,584
Maybe I'll start with...
387
00:20:52,085 --> 00:20:53,920
I think I wanna find my dad.
388
00:20:53,921 --> 00:20:55,172
- What?
- Wow.
389
00:20:57,049 --> 00:20:59,051
Then, we will help you find him.
390
00:20:59,885 --> 00:21:01,386
Thanks.
391
00:21:04,181 --> 00:21:06,224
Did I miss Lost and Found Day?
392
00:21:06,225 --> 00:21:08,851
Don't worry. That box will be
full again before you know it.
393
00:21:08,852 --> 00:21:09,895
Good!
394
00:21:12,314 --> 00:21:13,607
Look at us.
395
00:21:14,566 --> 00:21:16,567
A newly single woman,
396
00:21:16,568 --> 00:21:18,528
her engaged best friend...
397
00:21:18,529 --> 00:21:20,446
I am not really engaged.
398
00:21:20,447 --> 00:21:22,741
Yo, this centerpiece is fire.
399
00:21:23,408 --> 00:21:26,411
She was 100% engaged!
400
00:21:26,912 --> 00:21:29,747
Can we please get some food?
I'm starving.
401
00:21:29,748 --> 00:21:32,375
- Yes.
- Robert was supposed to make us dinner,
402
00:21:32,376 --> 00:21:34,001
and then I realized
403
00:21:34,002 --> 00:21:36,045
he was maybe my dad.
404
00:21:36,046 --> 00:21:38,841
- What?
- You realized he was maybe your dad?
405
00:21:47,975 --> 00:21:49,977
Wait! Wait for me!
29902
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