All language subtitles for Modern Family - 5x21 - Sleeper.HDTV.x264-KILLERS.en

Yeah honey, Mitchell helped me
pick up the shirt. You're gonna love it.

Oh, I wish I could
pick you up some lip gloss,

but we are already in the car!

Okay, bye, honey.

Getting pretty good, huh?

Yeah, but you were always good.

I'm just glad
you stuck with it.

Seriously?

What?

It's playing itself.

Well, I didn't know.

You honestly thought that I just
became a piano virtuoso, dad?

You've known me my whole life.

Have you ever
seen me take a lesson?

I thought maybe you were self-taught.

Oh, I'm sorry. You're right.

- Like when I taught myself
to play the clarinet. - Exactly.

I never played the clarinet.

Can we drop it?

Let's go get an ice cream.

What about
my lactose intolerance?

Oh, I'm not loving this game.

This sucks.

My teacher gave me
mononucleosis.

As a parent, I feel
I should ask about this.

Slow down. It's not like she gets
that many tugs on the line.

It's for A.P. Bio.

We have to write a report
about a disease,

and I got the worst one.
This is a joke.

Actually, it's pretty serious.

Back in college, I caught mono
from my roommate, Ling.

Served us right
for fooling around.

Never share a flute, kids.

Hey, can you drop me off
at the library?

Sorry. I'm meeting some friends
at that coffee shop on Lake.

You mean the one
next to the library?

That's a library?

I thought it was a church

for a religion that
didn't allow makeup.

When is the washing machine
gonna get fixed?

I'm wearing a swimsuit
underneath my pants.

Everybody's gonna have
clean clothes soon.

The repair guy's
supposed to come today

between 10:00 and 2:00.

Oh! Honey, can you
be here for that?

Can I sit around in an empty house
and wait for someone?

Baby, I'm a realtor.
I have a license for that.

- You sure you don't mind?
- Go. Run your errands.

It'll give me a chance
to get started on these dishes.

Oh, good.
All right, come on, Luke.

All right.
See you guys later.

Oh. More dishes than I thought.

That lasagna's gonna be
a tough one.

Somebody's gonna need
a scrub brush.

Hello?

What?

No... way!

June 10, 1988.

Carla Concannon and I
spent the afternoon

frolicking at the public pool.

Later, at her house,
things got private

while a 45 of carly Simon's
"Nobody Does It Better" played.

It was my first time,
her first time...

With me.

I always thought it'd be fun
to own that 45.

When the record store
finally called that morning,

I ran right down so
I wouldn't miss the repairman.

I had to have it.

It was the chance to relive

those magical 3 minutes
and 42 seconds,

which was also
the length of the song.

But then it dawned on me --

I was cheating on my wife

with the red-hot memory
of another woman.

I could not let Claire find out.

I had to destroy the evidence.

Luckily, I'm cool under pressure.

What?! No!

When did he...?

Come on!

There were a couple of snags,

but I think I covered
my tracks pretty well.

Synced by YYeTs, corrected by gloriabg
www.addic7ed.com

I'm so sorry it took so long
to get you these clothes.

I left them in the back of my car

and completely
forgot about them.

Sounds familiar.

I was in the pharmacy
for three minutes.

You had a cracked window
and a juice box.

Let's retire that story.

Can I wear this
for the family photo?

Oh, honey, that's adorable,
but, you know,

Gloria wants us in jeans
and a black t-shirt --

classic and casual.

And then maybe afterwards,
we can stop by

and change the scenery
in a high-school play.

That is a really cute dress.

Oh, yeah, thank you.
Just got it yesterday.

Really?

It reminds me of something
I gave you six months ago.

Do you ever put her
in the girls' hand-me-downs?

- Oh, yeah. All the time.
- Really?

Because if my girls' old clothes
aren't to your taste,

I could always just...
give them to somebody else!

Okay, calm down, Claire.

Your voice is getting to that pitch
that disturbs our cat.

Hey. Oh, my God.

You will not believe
what dad just said.

- So, we're at the mall, right?
- Mm-hmm.

And there's a piano there.
I sit down behind it.

- I start --
- Come on, Mitchell.

He's just not wired for compliments.

I'm sure your playing was great.

I don't play the piano.
I've never taken a lesson.

- Are you sure?
- Oh, my God.

My own family
doesn't even know me.

Mitchell, please.
Don't be so sensitive.

You don't see me pitching a fit

because Cam is
too much of a snob

to use our hand-me-downs.

Sn-- I'm sorry -- snob?

I will have you know I come
from simple farm folk.

There is permanent dirt
underneath these fingernails

from working the soil.

Really?

I had no idea that
re-potting your orchids

counted as "working the soil."

Okay, they're in soil, are--

You know what?
I don't want to talk about this.

- Mm-hmm.
- I don't need to listen to this.

I'm gonna go out
and get some air.

I know the feeling.

Retire it.
Seriously.

Does Joe look
a little pale to you?

This whole country
looks pale to me.

I think he needs a little color
for tonight's photograph.

What do you think is the minimum age
for a spray tanning?

Now that Joe is here

and that his head
is finally normal-shaped,

I decided to take
a new family portrait.

Hola!

How did it go at the mall?

Bought a shirt,
angered my son --

another successful outing.

Ooh. I've been wanting to do this.

Quick -- what's the ring
around an angel's head?

- What?
- Halo!

You did the angel one!

Ordinarily, I'd be delighted,

but this isn't gonna be
one of our fun chats.

You mean like
that time you called me

when you saw that blimp?

It was so low, they waved back.

I'd done a pretty good job

eliminating all traces
of that record,

but there was still
one loose end.

You know, earlier today,

when we ran into each other
on the street?

I didn't see you.
You didn't see me.

Okay, so you're saying

whatever either one of us
might have been doing

will remain forever --

I didn't see you.
You didn't see me.

Just to be c-- hello?

Jay's so cool.
He gets it.

I didn't know what
he was talking about,

but I needed him
to keep his trap shut.

You see, lately,
I may have been dabbling

in something that...
strong, virile men like me

aren't suppose to be dabbling in.

And it wouldn't exactly
fit my image

if people found out
I was considering entering...

a certain adorable dog
in a dog show.

Gloria thought I was out
getting my tires rotated.

Actually, I was buying Stella
a decorative show collar --

you know, just in case.

I figure if she looks beautiful,
she'll feel beautiful.

Guess who we ran
into at the library.

How would I know?
I was here the whole time.

Sanjay Patel.
He's got Crohn's disease.

- No!
- I know. So lucky.

He's totally going to win
that science scholarship.

He should use it
to find a cure for baldness,

'cause that kid is 16
with a comb-over.

That's it!

I'm just gonna pick a new topic.

I want a disease that
everyone in the school

is going to talk about.

All right!

- Hey!
- Hi! Wow!

Why are you standing there?

'Cause I missed you.
I love you so much.

Oh, wow. Love you, too.

How'd it go with the repair guy?

The repair guy came,
but I missed him.

"Why? What were you doing?"
"Listening to a record."

"What record?"
"It's not important."

"Phil!"

"The soundtrack to my first
sexual experience

"that I think about
from time to time.

Honey, where are you going?!
Don't take the kids!"

He didn't show up.

What?! That is so annoying!

I know. Put away your groceries.
I'll call him and reschedule.

No, no, no, no, no.
You are too nice.

I am calling.

I am not resting till I get
to the bottom of this.

It's no big deal.

It's not the first time
I've been stood up by some guy.

Oh, listen to your words, Phil.

Yep. Yep.

She called me a snob, Mitchell.

I'm -- oh, I'm sorry
if I don't rush

to throw Lily in every
bargain-bin rag

Claire tosses our way.

You're not really shedding
the "snob" tag with that.

Look, why don't we just put Lily

in one of Alex's shirts
for the picture tonight?

She'll see right through that.

No, you're thinking
of Haley's shirts.

No, I mean it'll look
like we're doing it

just because she brought it up.

Well, I know. That's why
I'm looking for a photo

of Lily in a hand-me-down
to show Claire,

but I-I can't seem to find one.

By the way,
I'm barely in any of these.

Mitchell, are you suggesting
what I think you're suggesting?

Yes! Sometimes I feel like
this family looks right past --

you're suggesting that
we stage a photograph.

Put Lily in some hand-me-downs.

Make it look like
it's from the past --

Christmas, say --
just to prove Claire wrong.

Simplicity itself.

That's not remotely
what I'm saying --

Mitchell, don't
second-guess yourself.

It's simplicity itself.

Yes, once again, I would like
to speak to a supervisor.

Listen, if my husband said
nobody came, nobody came.

Dad, it's your move.

No, I think I should just
play it cool for now.

I'm so sorry.

Score!

I got a disease that's
rare and fun -- narcolepsy.

The company swears that
the driver was here at 10:00.

They're putting him
through to me right now.

- I'm gonna chip away at his story.
- Mm-hmm.

Let's see how
you get out of this.

I'm thinking.

It's a neurological condition

where people under extreme stress
actually fall asleep.

It's like a way
for the brain to escape.

I bet he was doing
something he shouldn't have.

I'm just gonna let him keep talking
till he makes a mistake.

Everybody makes mistakes.

And the noose tightens.

Why were my headphones
in the couch?

Oh, good. You do keep
GPS logs on all your drivers.

There's no way out.

Let me just write down your name.

Hey, does anybody need
a receipt from Flipside Records?

Damn it!

I didn't even see that!

Wow.

I see you're registered
for tonight's show.

First one, huh?

Yeah.

I'm not sure I'm comfortable

with that whole
prancing-in-a-circle thing

in front of everybody.

Can someone else run her
through her routine?

It has to be the owner.

I suppose that's the best.
We have a rapport.

All right. See you at 5:00.

At 5:00.

Uh, I got a family thing at 5:00.

Do these things
tend to start on time?

Of course. It's not a cat show.

Well, I better speed it along.
Come on.

Ugh. I can't believe mom
made me take you here.

This is my only black shirt,
and mom needs me to wash it.

Wow.

It's only when I see
the less fortunate

that I realize how lucky
my clothes are.

All the machines are taken.
We're gonna have to wait.

Oh, I am not spending
any more time

in fluorescent lighting
than I have to.

You're gonna sneak your shirt
in with someone else's load --

like that guy's.
Go that way. I'll distract him.

Excuse me.

Haley?

Oh, my God. Kevin.

It's "Keith."

You really don't remember

the guy you abandoned
at Coachella?

I didn't abandon you.
I-I texted you.

That deejay put me in a trance.

Yeah. It's -- it's almost like
you were using me for tickets.

Oh. That's crazy.

Can you get those again?

Or was that just, like,
a one-time thing with your uncle?

It was a one-time thing.

Okay, so, good seeing you.

Yeah.

- Remind me never to date you.
- You wish.

Please. I could totally get you.

Like to see you try.

All right, Lily,
can you come in here, please?

It's Christmas already?

Yay!

Ah. Probably should
have prepped her.

Okay, no, it's not
actually Christmas.

We're just gonna take
a fun photo.

Which I am going to be in
because I am a member of the --

Where is my stocking?

Oh, relax.

It's not in the shot,
and neither are you.

Here-- I want you to take the picture
from right over here.

This way. Okay, great.

Lily, I want you to put this on

and then stand in front of the tree,
and we'll pop a shot off.

Ooh! Look at all
the pretty presents!

Those are just empty boxes.

You're killing me!

I don't know which one it is!
I didn't see him put it in!

Wait! I think I found it.

He's coming!

What?! No!

What are you doing?

Uh, I-I saw that
your laundry was done,

and I was gonna fold it
for you to make us even

for what you thought that
I did that I didn't do.

Even?

I held your popcorn
for eight hours

waiting for you to come back.

I walked all the
parking areas twice,

checked every medical tent.

By the time I got back to my car,

it had been broken into
and the battery was gone.

I had to trade my festival pass

for a ride home
in a horse trailer.

But...

looks like someone
got a concert t-shirt.

Dad, is there
anything bothering you

that might be causing --
I don't know --

major psychological stress?

No. I've been acting
normally, haven't I?

Did something happen earlier today?

Uh, nothing at all.

Because you seem
a little tense.

What? No, I don't!
Stop badgering me!

I love your mom!
Let's listen to some music.

Boy, the way you cook things up
sometimes, it's a little --

- Dad!
- What?!

You fell asleep!

It's like the fifth time today.

I think it has something
to do with that guy

not showing up to fix
the washing machine.

Well, that's not exactly
what happened.

You snuck out to buy

"Nobody Does It Better"
from Flipside Records,

and he showed up?

That's more exactly
what happened.

How do you know all this?

I've been watching you all day.

I think the guilt from that has been
causing you to fall asleep.

So you know about Carla?

I do now.

- Dad!
- What is happening?!

I was skeptical about the jeans
and t-shirt, but I like it.

Any chance the photographer
could fire off a couple solo shots?

Look at the bottom of Joe's face.

What happened?
Did you leave him in the sun?

No, I took him out
for five minutes

to give him a little color.

I must have not closed
the visor all the way down.

Why is it so important
to you that he has color?

Because we're sending
this picture

to our family in Colombia,

and I have a son that
doesn't even look Colombian.

Now they're gonna
look at this picture,

and they're gonna think
that I am a terrible mother,

that I can't even
take care of my own child.

I think your reputation is set.

I can still do this with my arm

'cause I slept
in the sink till I was 3.

Ha-lo!

People are here.
I'll deal with Joe.

- Okay.
- Come on, buddy.

Ohh. Come on.

Hola. Claire is on her way.

Dad, you have to confess to mom.

Clearing your conscience
is the only way to make this stop.

Really?

I hope so, or else I have to rewrite
the whole end of my paper.

Just the two of you?
Where's the rest?

I had hoped to get this picture
thing wrapped up by 5:00!

They're all coming separately.

Cam, do me a favor -- call Mitchell
and light a fire under him.

I'm right here, dad.

Oh. Good.
I didn't see you come in.

You opened the door for me.

You thanked me for bringing
a bottle of chardonnay.

Doesn't sound like me.

Hey, guys. We're here.

Finally. Let's do this. Luke,
where's your black shirt?

Right here.
I'll get changed.

All right. Shake a leg.

- Hey, sweetie.
- Hi!

- Hey.
- Hello.

Hey, Lily, be careful.

Don't get anything
on that beautiful outfit.

Recognize it? Look familiar?

Yes, I do, but I hardly think

that putting her in one
of Alex's hand-me-downs

proves anything
after I pitched a fit.

Well, first of all,
I think it's really healthy

that you do admit it was a fit.

But if you need further proof,

I'm sure I could find
a photograph over here.

Sure. Go ahead.

- Mm-hmm.
- No me.

No me.

No me.

Ah. There we are...
Christmas morning last year.

Oh, my God.

Oh, it's Alex's old pajamas!

I'm so sorry.
I owe you an apology.

Sometimes I can be really --

what's that?

Uh, the calendar
opened to December,

the half-eaten cookies
for Santa Claus,

the nibbled-on carrots for reindeer?
I don't know.

No, that looks like
last month's Vanity Fair.

Oh, well, you know,
every month's "young Hollywood."

Mm, and didn't Lily
just lose that tooth?

Nope, it's still there.
It's just dirty.

Christmas-morning chocolates.

Uh, and I am quite sure
that's a reflection of Mitchell

in the clothes he was
wearing this morning.

Oh, yay, I finally
made it into a picture.

Just couldn't change, could you?

You are a snob.

- Okay, you know what?
- You're a snob.

It hardly takes a snob
to recognize

- the clothes you put your children in...
- Snob!

...are uninspired at best.

- Oh, really?!
- Claire, Cam, enough!

Everybody in this family
has good taste.

It's just different.

It's causing too many fights.

That's why today
I just put everybody

in a simple
t-shirt-and-jeans outfit.

There's a new rule
from now on --

nobody gives clothes
to anyone else's children.

Well, I think that's
probably for the best.

Thank God I don't have to spend
one more of Joe's birthdays

with a funny smile on my face.

Thank you, Cam.
He loves it.

Twinsies!

Yay!

Okay, everybody,
it's picture time.

Where's Luke?

Right here.

Honey, what are you wearing?
Is that a girl's shirt?

I guess I grabbed the wrong one
from the laundromat.

If I'm being honest,
I don't hate the way it fits.

It must be that guy's
girlfriend's shirt.

Is it bad that that makes him
more interesting to me?

Yes. Stay away.

Don't worry about Luke.
We'll stick him in the back row.

Not everyone can look
their best in the picture.

Joe's ready.

What did you do to him?

You want him to look
more Colombian.

What's more Colombian
than the Colombian flag?

He's perfect.

Not a banner day
for my male heirs.

Claire, you're in the back.

Phil, you're behind Claire.
No rabbit ears.

I don't want you messing
around behind Claire's back.

- Dad!
- Cameron, Lily, come on in.

It's picture time.

- Honey.
- Mm-hmm.

There's something
I need to tell you.

Uh, you know
how you can treasure

special moments in your past

that in no way diminish the
special moments in your present?

Yeah, sweetheart,
it's called having a memory.

Okay, I wouldn't mind
a friendlier tone

- as I move through this.
- What did you do?

Up, up, up, up, ah!

No, that's the wrong way,
sweetheart.

What fell out of Lily's pocket?

Is that a diamond ring?

Huh. That'll go
great with your shirt.

It looks real.

It is real.

A small occlusion,
but very good color.

This is Claire's.

No.

- Claire's got her's on.
- Yeah.

Ay, Phil, please,
you cannot tell the difference

between this beautiful,
but a small, diamond

and that chunk of glass

that should have made
her finger fall off weeks ago.

I feel like I am
getting you in trouble.

Picture time!

What's happening?

Okay, don't be mad.

Um, I lost my real ring
a few months ago,

and I just realized
it must have fallen

in the box of clothes
I gave to Lily.

Why'd you take it off?

Well, I got pulled over,

and I wanted to flirt
my way out of the ticket

by pretending I was single

and it worked,
and I kind of liked it.

And then I felt so guilty
about liking it

that I just wanted
to erase the whole thing.

So you lied?

Yes. I lied.
I'm sorry.

Does that make me
a terrible person?

- No, no. Are you kidding me?
- No?

We've been married
for a long time.

Of course we're gonna
have our little secrets.

The important thing

is that we know the difference

between a harmless indulgence

and a real indescret--

Gloria?

- Left.
- Thank you.

Okay, it's picture time!

Everybody, hurry up.

Get in your positions.

- All right?
- Oh.

All right, I think that
everyone is here.

Okay, ready?

And smile!

- Are you kidding me?
- Oh.

Nobody noticed I wasn't here.

What does it take
with you people?!

Ay, Joe, my baby, are you okay?

Yeah, yeah, maybe --
maybe that -- that's what it takes

for you to pay attention to me --

throw a temper tantrum
like -- like Joe.

I could just throw a big...
temper tantrum that --

or if I make a mess
of everything and...

I feel like that
was aimed at me.

You want to talk about it?

Or I could just play some piano.

So I'm in the ballpark.

Look.

If it seems sometimes
like we don't notice you,

maybe that is because
we are focused

on our own stupid problems,

and you're so steady.

Oh, you mean boring.

- No.
- Yeah.

Calm.

Because you live your life
the way you want to.

In fact, you inspired me recently.

- Oh, how so?
- Well...

Fine.

I've been going
through this thing lately.

It all started when I noticed

a group of guys
in the corner in the park.

And, uh, honestly, when I first
found out what they were doing,

I thought it was kind of weird,

but I found I kept
thinking about it.

And I thought
I'd give it a whirl.

Ok-- okay. Go on.

I think you know
where I'm going with this,

but one of the older guys
showed me the ropes.

Next thing I know,

I'm hanging out at that park
in that corner every day

and loving it.

Uh-huh.

But I must have also
got some shame about it

because it feels good
when I'm doing it, but...

Is that me now?

A guy with a show dog.

There it is!

Okay, see,
I-I knew what it wasn't.

I just wasn't sure what it was.

In fact, there's
a show right now,

but... ah, I'm not gonna go.

No, no. D--

- I could tell this is important to you.
- No.

You -- you should go.
You should go.

I don't want to sneak out,

and I don't want people
to know about it.

Dad.

A wise man once told me,

"I don't get it,
but if that's who you are,

don't you dare
be ashamed of it."

I did handle that kind of well.

Yeah, yeah, well...

And it wasn't easy.

I just never pictured
my kid a lawyer.

It's scary to let people
see the real you,

even when those people
are your own family.

But aren't they the ones
we should be least worried about,

the ones who will love us
without judging,

who forgive our faults and
celebrate our imperfections?

Maybe even encourage us

to let our true selves
shine through?

Wait, wait. Hang on.
Wait, wait.

Okay.

I think you look beautiful.

I look old.

All my cousins
are going to see this.

Click the button that makes
my wrinkles go away.

- What happened?
- Nothing.

It's not nothing.
You're limping!

Were you trying to do
the Russian dance again?

It was just something stupid
I was trying out,

and I don't even know why,
since it's basically impossible.

Gloria. Gloria!
Check it out.

Is this not the cutest thing
you've ever seen?

She did that on her first try.

He loves it, too.

Oh, oh, sure.
Rub it in, Joe.

Attagirl!

Here she comes this way!

Now she's just showing off.

Both ways.

Synced by YYeTs, corrected by gloriabg
www.addic7ed.com