All language subtitles for Everybody.Loves.Raymond.S08E03.Home.from.School.720p.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-BS

af Afrikaans
sq Albanian
am Amharic
ar Arabic
hy Armenian
az Azerbaijani
eu Basque
be Belarusian
bn Bengali
bs Bosnian
bg Bulgarian
ca Catalan
ceb Cebuano
ny Chichewa
zh-CN Chinese (Simplified)
zh-TW Chinese (Traditional)
co Corsican
hr Croatian Download
cs Czech
da Danish
nl Dutch
en English
eo Esperanto
et Estonian
tl Filipino
fi Finnish
fr French
fy Frisian
gl Galician
ka Georgian
de German
el Greek
gu Gujarati
ht Haitian Creole
ha Hausa
haw Hawaiian
iw Hebrew
hi Hindi
hmn Hmong
hu Hungarian
is Icelandic
ig Igbo
id Indonesian
ga Irish
it Italian
ja Japanese
jw Javanese
kn Kannada
kk Kazakh
km Khmer
ko Korean
ku Kurdish (Kurmanji)
ky Kyrgyz
lo Lao
la Latin
lv Latvian
lt Lithuanian
lb Luxembourgish
mk Macedonian
mg Malagasy
ms Malay
ml Malayalam
mt Maltese
mi Maori
mr Marathi
mn Mongolian
my Myanmar (Burmese)
ne Nepali
no Norwegian
ps Pashto
fa Persian
pl Polish
pt Portuguese
pa Punjabi
ro Romanian
ru Russian
sm Samoan
gd Scots Gaelic
sr Serbian
st Sesotho
sn Shona
sd Sindhi
si Sinhala
sk Slovak
sl Slovenian
so Somali
es Spanish
su Sundanese
sw Swahili
sv Swedish
tg Tajik
ta Tamil
te Telugu
th Thai
tr Turkish
uk Ukrainian
ur Urdu
uz Uzbek
vi Vietnamese
cy Welsh
xh Xhosa
yi Yiddish
yo Yoruba
zu Zulu
or Odia (Oriya)
rw Kinyarwanda
tk Turkmen
tt Tatar
ug Uyghur
Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:03,737 --> 00:00:05,237 - Michael, come on. 2 00:00:05,239 --> 00:00:06,705 I let you stay yesterday. Now get up. 3 00:00:06,707 --> 00:00:09,274 The bus is gonna be here any minute. 4 00:00:09,276 --> 00:00:12,578 You can't miss school again, michael. 5 00:00:12,580 --> 00:00:14,079 Michael, come-- get up. 6 00:00:14,081 --> 00:00:15,280 I am sick of this. Come on, get up. 7 00:00:15,282 --> 00:00:16,749 Wait a minute. Come back here. 8 00:00:16,751 --> 00:00:18,751 You back here right now. 9 00:00:18,753 --> 00:00:21,587 - Ow. All right. 10 00:00:21,589 --> 00:00:23,622 - You gotta help me, michael's not getting up. 11 00:00:23,624 --> 00:00:25,057 - All right, all right, all right, all right, all right. 12 00:00:25,059 --> 00:00:26,592 Michael? 13 00:00:26,594 --> 00:00:29,661 [deep voice] michael, this is your father speaking. 14 00:00:29,663 --> 00:00:31,697 Get up. 15 00:00:31,699 --> 00:00:33,265 Well, what are you gonna do? 16 00:00:33,267 --> 00:00:36,201 Easy, easy. All right, all right. 17 00:00:36,203 --> 00:00:38,370 Michael--all right. Come on, michael. 18 00:00:38,372 --> 00:00:40,272 Get up, will ya? 19 00:00:40,274 --> 00:00:41,507 Come on. 20 00:00:41,509 --> 00:00:42,741 - I'm sick. 21 00:00:42,743 --> 00:00:44,777 - What-- 22 00:00:47,747 --> 00:00:49,248 - He's not sick. - Let's go. 23 00:00:49,250 --> 00:00:50,282 Come on, you're not sick. 24 00:00:50,284 --> 00:00:51,483 Don't try to fool around. 25 00:00:51,485 --> 00:00:52,751 What's the matter with you? 26 00:00:52,753 --> 00:00:54,720 - It's my stomach. - Your stomach? 27 00:00:54,722 --> 00:00:56,355 Well, where does it hurt? Point. 28 00:00:56,357 --> 00:00:58,057 Show me where. 29 00:00:58,059 --> 00:00:59,558 - It's my head. - All right. 30 00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:01,693 - Let's go. Come on, it's time for school. 31 00:01:01,695 --> 00:01:03,629 - I'm sick! - Yesterday he said he was sick, 32 00:01:03,631 --> 00:01:05,130 And last night, he's running around 33 00:01:05,132 --> 00:01:06,465 With a cape on going, "whoo-whoo!" 34 00:01:06,467 --> 00:01:07,833 - Yeah, okay, yesterday you said you were sick, 35 00:01:07,835 --> 00:01:09,334 And last night, you run around with a cape on 36 00:01:09,336 --> 00:01:11,670 Going, "whoo-whoo." 37 00:01:11,672 --> 00:01:13,305 - He's not gonna get away with it again. 38 00:01:13,307 --> 00:01:14,673 - You're not getting away with that again. 39 00:01:14,675 --> 00:01:16,141 - Just--don't just repeat what I say! 40 00:01:16,143 --> 00:01:17,676 - All right, all right, all right. 41 00:01:17,678 --> 00:01:20,279 No, don't go back-- mich--did you do your homework? 42 00:01:20,281 --> 00:01:21,513 Did he do his homework? 43 00:01:21,515 --> 00:01:22,614 - He said he didn't have any. 44 00:01:22,616 --> 00:01:24,550 - And you fell for that? 45 00:01:24,552 --> 00:01:27,219 Oh, boy, I am gonna lie to you more. 46 00:01:27,221 --> 00:01:30,389 Mike--michael, did you have homework due? 47 00:01:30,391 --> 00:01:31,657 - Leave me alone! 48 00:01:31,659 --> 00:01:33,225 - You see? All right, that's it. 49 00:01:33,227 --> 00:01:35,561 I know this game. I invented it. 50 00:01:35,563 --> 00:01:37,096 - The bus is coming! 51 00:01:37,098 --> 00:01:38,864 - All right, michael, the bus is coming. 52 00:01:38,866 --> 00:01:41,100 I'm not fooling around. Now, you got to get up, come on. 53 00:01:41,102 --> 00:01:42,634 - No! - Michael, listen. 54 00:01:42,636 --> 00:01:44,536 If--if you miss that bus, 55 00:01:44,538 --> 00:01:45,838 I'm gonna have to drive you to school, 56 00:01:45,840 --> 00:01:47,806 And I'm gonna be late. 57 00:01:47,808 --> 00:01:49,708 - I don't care! 58 00:01:49,710 --> 00:01:51,777 - You don't care, huh? You don't care? You don't care? 59 00:01:51,779 --> 00:01:53,178 How about I pick you up and I carry you 60 00:01:53,180 --> 00:01:54,446 To the bus in your pajamas, huh? 61 00:01:54,448 --> 00:01:56,281 Maybe you care about that! - Go away! 62 00:01:56,283 --> 00:01:57,583 - Okay. All right, that's it. 63 00:01:57,585 --> 00:01:58,851 - Oh, ray, no, that's not a good idea. 64 00:01:58,853 --> 00:02:00,352 - Look, you got me into this, 65 00:02:00,354 --> 00:02:01,520 And now we're gonna do it my way. 66 00:02:01,522 --> 00:02:03,322 - The bus is here! 67 00:02:03,324 --> 00:02:05,657 - You hold that bus! 68 00:02:05,659 --> 00:02:07,226 Look, all right, help me. Help me. 69 00:02:07,228 --> 00:02:08,660 - Ray! 70 00:02:08,662 --> 00:02:09,795 - Bite his hands. 71 00:02:09,797 --> 00:02:11,430 - Just--just let him go. 72 00:02:11,432 --> 00:02:13,232 - You asked for my help. 73 00:02:13,234 --> 00:02:17,302 Well, this is how I do it. 74 00:02:17,304 --> 00:02:20,305 - The bus is gone! 75 00:02:26,146 --> 00:02:27,446 - If he was wearing feet pajamas, 76 00:02:27,448 --> 00:02:30,449 He'd still be in here. 77 00:02:35,688 --> 00:02:37,456 - Hey. - Hello. 78 00:02:37,458 --> 00:02:38,891 - Hey, what are you doing here? 79 00:02:38,893 --> 00:02:40,926 - Well, amy's working late tonight. 80 00:02:40,928 --> 00:02:42,828 - So? 81 00:02:42,830 --> 00:02:46,265 - So I thought I'd come by and say "hey" to my little bro. 82 00:02:46,267 --> 00:02:47,466 What? A guy can't stop by 83 00:02:47,468 --> 00:02:49,701 And say "hey" to his little bro? 84 00:02:49,703 --> 00:02:53,572 - There's leftover macaroni and cheese in the fridge. 85 00:02:53,574 --> 00:02:56,575 - I'll be in there. 86 00:02:58,178 --> 00:02:59,912 - Hey, how's michael? 87 00:02:59,914 --> 00:03:01,380 - Perfectly fine. 88 00:03:01,382 --> 00:03:02,814 He's reading comics. 89 00:03:02,816 --> 00:03:04,383 - Well, is he going to school tomorrow? 90 00:03:04,385 --> 00:03:05,717 - I don't know. 91 00:03:05,719 --> 00:03:07,319 - He stayed home from school again today? 92 00:03:07,321 --> 00:03:09,354 - Yep. Debra couldn't get him to go. 93 00:03:09,356 --> 00:03:11,957 - Neither could you! 94 00:03:11,959 --> 00:03:13,959 - Well, I'll tell you what the problem is, debra. 95 00:03:13,961 --> 00:03:16,662 - I was hoping you would, marie. 96 00:03:16,664 --> 00:03:18,330 - I mean, you let the kids play 97 00:03:18,332 --> 00:03:21,333 All those computer videotronic games. 98 00:03:21,335 --> 00:03:24,703 And after that, school is just boring to them. 99 00:03:24,705 --> 00:03:27,573 It's just an old lady talking. 100 00:03:27,575 --> 00:03:31,577 - Where do you get those videotronic games? 101 00:03:32,946 --> 00:03:34,980 - Why do I say anything? 102 00:03:34,982 --> 00:03:36,982 - Exactly. 103 00:03:38,918 --> 00:03:40,485 - Something wrong with michael? 104 00:03:40,487 --> 00:03:41,753 - [sighs] no. 105 00:03:41,755 --> 00:03:43,789 - He missed school two days in a row. 106 00:03:43,791 --> 00:03:45,457 - Two days? Is he sick? 107 00:03:45,459 --> 00:03:46,458 - No. 108 00:03:46,460 --> 00:03:49,962 - That's truancy. 109 00:03:49,964 --> 00:03:51,496 Not that I'd report it, 110 00:03:51,498 --> 00:03:52,598 But please, don't make me choose 111 00:03:52,600 --> 00:03:54,299 Between "robert the uncle" 112 00:03:54,301 --> 00:03:57,936 And "robert the sworn defender of the law." 113 00:03:57,938 --> 00:04:01,273 - How about you just stay "robert the stink-footed oaf"? 114 00:04:01,275 --> 00:04:03,542 - [laughs sarcastically] 115 00:04:03,544 --> 00:04:06,545 [whispering] oh, that's funny. 116 00:04:09,682 --> 00:04:11,283 - I don't know. 117 00:04:11,285 --> 00:04:12,918 I just--I don't know what to do anymore. 118 00:04:12,920 --> 00:04:14,987 - Hey, deb, I could show you a couple of techniques I used 119 00:04:14,989 --> 00:04:16,855 To get these two mutts out of bed. 120 00:04:16,857 --> 00:04:20,993 - We're not gonna put ice cubes down his pants, dad. 121 00:04:20,995 --> 00:04:22,661 - I'm not saying you start with that. 122 00:04:22,663 --> 00:04:24,329 I'm saying you start with what I used to call 123 00:04:24,331 --> 00:04:27,532 "the dirty sock alarm clock." 124 00:04:29,369 --> 00:04:32,404 - Oh, frank, that was disgusting. 125 00:04:32,406 --> 00:04:34,539 - You reach way down to the bottom of the hamper. 126 00:04:34,541 --> 00:04:37,509 - We're not doing that, frank. 127 00:04:37,511 --> 00:04:42,047 - It's called "tough, smelly love." 128 00:04:42,049 --> 00:04:45,617 - Sometimes he'd use my own sock against me. 129 00:04:52,058 --> 00:04:54,860 - How come michael doesn't want to go to school? 130 00:04:54,862 --> 00:04:56,962 - Nobody wants to go to school. 131 00:04:56,964 --> 00:04:59,364 He didn't do his homework. - Listen to me. 132 00:04:59,366 --> 00:05:01,400 You want to know how to motivate a kid? 133 00:05:01,402 --> 00:05:03,635 You get him something he really loves, 134 00:05:03,637 --> 00:05:06,538 Then take it away. 135 00:05:06,540 --> 00:05:08,607 - All right, frank. - He likes trains, right? 136 00:05:08,609 --> 00:05:11,443 So you get him a nice, new steam locomotive-- 137 00:05:11,445 --> 00:05:14,413 Something that makes his face really light up. 138 00:05:14,415 --> 00:05:17,849 Then you get a hammer. 139 00:05:25,325 --> 00:05:27,559 - We're not gonna smash his trains. 140 00:05:27,561 --> 00:05:29,561 - Does he have a turtle? 141 00:05:31,731 --> 00:05:33,965 - Well, you have to do something, debra. 142 00:05:33,967 --> 00:05:35,434 - Why is this all on me? 143 00:05:35,436 --> 00:05:36,635 What about him? He lives here. 144 00:05:36,637 --> 00:05:38,036 - Hey, I tried. 145 00:05:38,038 --> 00:05:39,604 I had him halfway out the door this morning, 146 00:05:39,606 --> 00:05:41,940 But she wouldn't bite his hands. 147 00:05:41,942 --> 00:05:44,076 - Yeah, then you run off to work, and I'm stuck. 148 00:05:44,078 --> 00:05:45,877 You know, I had a lot of things to do today, 149 00:05:45,879 --> 00:05:48,080 And I couldn't because I had to stay here with michael. 150 00:05:48,082 --> 00:05:51,883 - There's always time to get your hair done, dear. 151 00:05:51,885 --> 00:05:54,786 - I wasn't going to do my hair. 152 00:05:54,788 --> 00:05:58,657 - Oh. 153 00:05:58,659 --> 00:06:01,560 We should talk about that too. 154 00:06:01,562 --> 00:06:02,894 - You want me to go up there 155 00:06:02,896 --> 00:06:04,930 And explain the truancy laws in this county? 156 00:06:04,932 --> 00:06:07,933 Maybe drive him by the dock, show him a couple bums? 157 00:06:10,503 --> 00:06:12,104 - I'll go with ya. Where's the hamper? 158 00:06:12,106 --> 00:06:13,805 - No, no, all right, stop, here. 159 00:06:13,807 --> 00:06:16,708 Look, we appreciate your medieval advice. 160 00:06:16,710 --> 00:06:18,477 But we'll do what needs to be done, okay? 161 00:06:18,479 --> 00:06:19,978 Michael is going to school tomorrow. 162 00:06:19,980 --> 00:06:21,446 - Yeah, but if there's a problem-- 163 00:06:21,448 --> 00:06:22,848 - There's not gonna be a problem. 164 00:06:22,850 --> 00:06:24,449 - But if there is-- - there's not gonna be. 165 00:06:24,451 --> 00:06:26,852 - But if there is-- 166 00:06:26,854 --> 00:06:29,654 - Not gonna. 167 00:06:29,656 --> 00:06:31,156 - I won't be here, 'cause I'm driving ally's class 168 00:06:31,158 --> 00:06:32,557 To their field trip tomorrow. 169 00:06:32,559 --> 00:06:33,825 - Wait, wait, wait, wait! 170 00:06:33,827 --> 00:06:35,160 Who's gonna get him out of bed? 171 00:06:35,162 --> 00:06:36,661 - I was thinking you. 172 00:06:36,663 --> 00:06:38,697 - Well, what-- what about my job? 173 00:06:38,699 --> 00:06:39,998 - This is part of your job. 174 00:06:40,000 --> 00:06:43,001 - I mean my real job. 175 00:06:47,907 --> 00:06:49,908 Let's not fight. 176 00:06:51,978 --> 00:06:53,779 Oh, come on, michael, go to school! 177 00:06:53,781 --> 00:06:56,148 You're killin' me, man! 178 00:06:56,150 --> 00:06:58,150 - How's it going? - Look, he's bustin' my hump. 179 00:06:58,152 --> 00:07:00,118 You got to do this, okay? I'm gonna be late. 180 00:07:00,120 --> 00:07:02,454 - No, honey, I got ten kids waiting for me, and I'm late. 181 00:07:02,456 --> 00:07:03,588 - But wait a minute. I'm swamped here. 182 00:07:03,590 --> 00:07:04,956 I got to finish two columns, 183 00:07:04,958 --> 00:07:06,458 And I got to interview george steinbrenner! 184 00:07:06,460 --> 00:07:08,059 - Sorry, ray, I got to go. - No, no, you-- 185 00:07:08,061 --> 00:07:10,595 You come back here, young lady! 186 00:07:10,597 --> 00:07:13,064 Old lady! 187 00:07:13,066 --> 00:07:18,036 Who reminds me of my mom! 188 00:07:18,038 --> 00:07:20,038 [door slams] 189 00:07:21,607 --> 00:07:23,608 [groans] 190 00:07:31,484 --> 00:07:33,718 All right. 191 00:07:33,720 --> 00:07:36,054 I didn't want to do this. 192 00:07:36,056 --> 00:07:39,491 But you leave me no choice. 193 00:07:41,227 --> 00:07:42,761 Oh, great. 194 00:07:42,763 --> 00:07:45,764 The one day she does laundry. 195 00:07:55,041 --> 00:07:57,642 - Yes, hi. Uh, this is ray barone. 196 00:07:57,644 --> 00:07:59,044 Um, I was supposed to come down 197 00:07:59,046 --> 00:08:01,513 And interview mr. Steinbrenner this morning, 198 00:08:01,515 --> 00:08:04,049 But unfortunately, something's come up. 199 00:08:04,051 --> 00:08:07,519 Well, uh, kind of a-- 200 00:08:07,521 --> 00:08:09,788 Family tragedy. 201 00:08:09,790 --> 00:08:11,523 Yeah. 202 00:08:11,525 --> 00:08:12,924 No, no, no, I was just wondering, 203 00:08:12,926 --> 00:08:14,926 Um, could we do this on the phone? 204 00:08:14,928 --> 00:08:17,963 Yes, yeah, I'll hold. Thank you. 205 00:08:17,965 --> 00:08:20,565 Well, look who's up. 206 00:08:20,567 --> 00:08:21,867 - I'm hungry. 207 00:08:21,869 --> 00:08:23,134 - Yeah, well, breakfast time ended 208 00:08:23,136 --> 00:08:25,036 When the school bus left, okay? 209 00:08:25,038 --> 00:08:26,838 So congratulations, you get to stay home again today. 210 00:08:26,840 --> 00:08:28,006 Let me tell you something, mister. 211 00:08:28,008 --> 00:08:29,841 A couple of hours with daddy, 212 00:08:29,843 --> 00:08:32,277 And you're gonna be begging to go back to school. 213 00:08:32,279 --> 00:08:33,745 Hello. Oh, hi. 214 00:08:33,747 --> 00:08:35,146 Oh, yeah, hi, mr. Steinbrenner. 215 00:08:35,148 --> 00:08:37,249 Uh-- 216 00:08:37,251 --> 00:08:39,818 Yeah, a tragedy, right. 217 00:08:39,820 --> 00:08:43,288 My--mother. 218 00:08:43,290 --> 00:08:44,823 Yeah, but, uh, she'll pull through. 219 00:08:44,825 --> 00:08:46,525 She's a tough old broad. 220 00:08:46,527 --> 00:08:48,560 Anyway, um, listen, I know you're a busy man, 221 00:08:48,562 --> 00:08:50,595 And I just wanted to start by-- 222 00:08:50,597 --> 00:08:52,697 [tv blaring] 223 00:08:52,699 --> 00:08:55,600 Excuse me. Excuse me one second, sir. 224 00:08:55,602 --> 00:08:57,035 No tv! No tv! 225 00:08:57,037 --> 00:08:59,204 No! No, no! No, no, no, no, no! 226 00:08:59,206 --> 00:09:00,906 No tv! 227 00:09:00,908 --> 00:09:02,841 Yeah, hello? I'm sorry. 228 00:09:02,843 --> 00:09:04,142 Sorry about that. No, no, no. 229 00:09:04,144 --> 00:09:06,011 No, I can do this. Sure, yeah. 230 00:09:06,013 --> 00:09:08,213 Um, okay, well, mainly, I wanted to start 231 00:09:08,215 --> 00:09:11,550 By getting your feelings on revenue sharing. 232 00:09:11,552 --> 00:09:15,120 Uh-huh. Uh-huh. 233 00:09:15,122 --> 00:09:17,789 [whispering] no, no. 234 00:09:17,791 --> 00:09:19,324 Okay, yeah, well, that's a good point. 235 00:09:19,326 --> 00:09:22,160 Yeah. Yeah-- 236 00:09:22,162 --> 00:09:23,728 Right. 237 00:09:23,730 --> 00:09:25,664 Right, and what about the smaller markets? 238 00:09:25,666 --> 00:09:27,732 Hey! 239 00:09:27,734 --> 00:09:28,900 You're not eating doughnuts, okay? 240 00:09:28,902 --> 00:09:31,169 No doughnuts for you! 241 00:09:31,171 --> 00:09:33,738 I--yeah, sorry. 242 00:09:33,740 --> 00:09:36,007 It's the kids, yeah. 243 00:09:36,009 --> 00:09:37,576 Kids, I know. 244 00:09:37,578 --> 00:09:39,844 Yeah, too bad you can't fire them. 245 00:09:39,846 --> 00:09:41,646 Although you probably have, right? 246 00:09:41,648 --> 00:09:43,214 Yeah-- get down from there! 247 00:09:43,216 --> 00:09:44,649 Stop it! 248 00:09:44,651 --> 00:09:46,017 Hey--sit down! 249 00:09:46,019 --> 00:09:48,186 I will tell you what you're going to eat! 250 00:09:48,188 --> 00:09:50,021 Hello. 251 00:09:50,023 --> 00:09:53,291 Oh. We're done? 252 00:09:53,293 --> 00:09:54,859 Well-- 253 00:09:54,861 --> 00:09:57,195 Yeah. Okay. 254 00:09:57,197 --> 00:10:00,065 All right. Thank you, sir. 255 00:10:00,067 --> 00:10:01,800 Michael! 256 00:10:01,802 --> 00:10:03,368 Put it down. Put it down. 257 00:10:03,370 --> 00:10:04,803 Do you know what you just did? 258 00:10:04,805 --> 00:10:06,004 Do you know who that was on the phone? 259 00:10:06,006 --> 00:10:08,373 - No. - It doesn't matter. 260 00:10:08,375 --> 00:10:12,310 George steinbrenner! 261 00:10:12,312 --> 00:10:14,212 So none of this, okay? 262 00:10:14,214 --> 00:10:17,082 None of this captain sugar's chocolate-covered sugar for you. 263 00:10:17,084 --> 00:10:18,316 You're hungry? 264 00:10:18,318 --> 00:10:20,018 All right, if you're hungry, here. 265 00:10:20,020 --> 00:10:21,620 Here's what you're gonna eat. 266 00:10:21,622 --> 00:10:23,888 Fiber 100, all right? 267 00:10:23,890 --> 00:10:25,190 Yeah, that's right. 268 00:10:25,192 --> 00:10:26,358 No fun stuff, okay? 269 00:10:26,360 --> 00:10:28,126 No cartoons on the box for you. 270 00:10:28,128 --> 00:10:32,230 You're--you're getting two grandmas on a bike-- 271 00:10:32,232 --> 00:10:34,699 The kind of crap I have to eat every day. 272 00:10:34,701 --> 00:10:37,235 Yeah, yeah, no maze to chocolate land. 273 00:10:37,237 --> 00:10:40,739 Here, here, you can read about colon health. 274 00:10:40,741 --> 00:10:43,108 So dig in! 275 00:10:43,110 --> 00:10:45,010 Here you go. 276 00:10:45,012 --> 00:10:47,879 Here's some delicious skim milk for you. 277 00:10:47,881 --> 00:10:50,882 Welcome to my world. 278 00:10:52,385 --> 00:10:53,952 All right, listen, 279 00:10:53,954 --> 00:10:55,186 Here's how it's gonna go today. 280 00:10:55,188 --> 00:10:56,755 No cartoons, no video games, 281 00:10:56,757 --> 00:10:59,057 No computer games, no fun, okay? 282 00:10:59,059 --> 00:11:02,427 First, you're gonna eat this wood. 283 00:11:02,429 --> 00:11:04,195 And then you're gonna get your homework, 284 00:11:04,197 --> 00:11:06,398 And you're gonna come downstairs to my office. 285 00:11:06,400 --> 00:11:09,901 It's study hall. That's right. 286 00:11:09,903 --> 00:11:11,936 You're gonna work right in front of me 287 00:11:11,938 --> 00:11:14,372 Where I can keep an eye on you; you got that? 288 00:11:14,374 --> 00:11:16,941 - I don't have any homework. 289 00:11:16,943 --> 00:11:18,743 - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 290 00:11:18,745 --> 00:11:22,180 Who do you think you're dealing with here, huh? 291 00:11:22,182 --> 00:11:23,782 I may seem stupid, 292 00:11:23,784 --> 00:11:25,016 But that's just to get your mother 293 00:11:25,018 --> 00:11:29,020 To not ask me to do stuff, okay? 294 00:11:31,691 --> 00:11:33,224 I know all the angles, pal. 295 00:11:33,226 --> 00:11:35,093 I know all the excuses. 296 00:11:35,095 --> 00:11:37,896 If my dog shamski had eaten as much homework as I said, 297 00:11:37,898 --> 00:11:42,133 He would have pooped the encyclopedia britannica. 298 00:11:42,135 --> 00:11:43,468 All right? 299 00:11:43,470 --> 00:11:45,036 So you just eat this, 300 00:11:45,038 --> 00:11:46,404 And then you're getting your homework, 301 00:11:46,406 --> 00:11:48,306 And you're coming downstairs. 302 00:11:48,308 --> 00:11:50,442 - I don't have any. 303 00:11:50,444 --> 00:11:53,745 - You're sticking with that story, huh? 304 00:11:53,747 --> 00:11:55,080 All right. Well, you know what? 305 00:11:55,082 --> 00:11:56,314 Then you're just gonna come downstairs, 306 00:11:56,316 --> 00:11:58,116 And you're gonna watch me work. 307 00:11:58,118 --> 00:12:00,085 You think school is boring and meaningless. 308 00:12:00,087 --> 00:12:03,788 Wait'll you see what I do for a living. 309 00:12:03,790 --> 00:12:07,258 Oh, captain sugar. He's coming with me. 310 00:12:07,260 --> 00:12:10,261 Hey, look, a prize! 311 00:12:14,266 --> 00:12:15,867 - This is boring. 312 00:12:15,869 --> 00:12:18,803 - That's right. 313 00:12:18,805 --> 00:12:22,273 Bet you wish you were back at school right now, huh? 314 00:12:22,275 --> 00:12:25,009 No? Not yet? All right, well-- 315 00:12:25,011 --> 00:12:28,079 Don't worry; we'll be done here in about... 316 00:12:28,081 --> 00:12:31,816 Oh, five hours. 317 00:12:31,818 --> 00:12:34,819 [giggles] 318 00:12:41,827 --> 00:12:43,261 Hey, wha--what are you doing? 319 00:12:43,263 --> 00:12:44,362 - Reading. 320 00:12:44,364 --> 00:12:46,998 - No, no, no. Comics is not-- 321 00:12:47,000 --> 00:12:50,502 What is she wearing? 322 00:12:50,504 --> 00:12:52,070 They should have ratings on this, 323 00:12:52,072 --> 00:12:55,073 'cause this is totally inappropriate. 324 00:13:04,316 --> 00:13:06,484 All right, pay attention. I'm gonna-- 325 00:13:06,486 --> 00:13:08,787 I'm gonna read you something that I'm working on. 326 00:13:08,789 --> 00:13:11,089 It's, uh, a baseball column. 327 00:13:11,091 --> 00:13:14,125 "everybody always says the designated hitter 328 00:13:14,127 --> 00:13:16,194 "has taken the strategy out of the game. 329 00:13:16,196 --> 00:13:18,963 "you know, is the manager gonna pinch-hit for the pitcher, 330 00:13:18,965 --> 00:13:20,365 "or is he gonna leave him in? 331 00:13:20,367 --> 00:13:22,300 "I say, what's so exciting 332 00:13:22,302 --> 00:13:27,105 About watching some fat manager think?" 333 00:13:27,107 --> 00:13:30,141 How's that sound? - Good. 334 00:13:30,143 --> 00:13:32,443 - Yeah? What's good about it? 335 00:13:32,445 --> 00:13:35,980 - The fat manager. 336 00:13:35,982 --> 00:13:39,083 - It's kinda funny, isn't it? 337 00:13:42,054 --> 00:13:45,056 [sighs] all right. 338 00:13:49,361 --> 00:13:52,096 - The kids teased me. 339 00:13:52,098 --> 00:13:53,464 - What? 340 00:13:53,466 --> 00:13:56,334 - In my class, all the kids laughed at me. 341 00:13:56,336 --> 00:13:58,503 - The kids laughed at you? Why? 342 00:13:58,505 --> 00:14:01,239 - I went up to the teacher to ask her a question, 343 00:14:01,241 --> 00:14:04,242 And I accidentally said, "mommy." 344 00:14:06,111 --> 00:14:09,180 - You called the teacher "mommy"? 345 00:14:09,182 --> 00:14:12,183 Why? Was the teacher yelling? 346 00:14:20,526 --> 00:14:23,595 - Then I cried, and everybody called me crybaby. 347 00:14:36,475 --> 00:14:39,043 - [sighs] 348 00:14:39,045 --> 00:14:42,046 I made you eat the fiber. 349 00:14:55,895 --> 00:14:57,428 Hey-- 350 00:14:57,430 --> 00:14:59,197 Speaking of baseball, 351 00:14:59,199 --> 00:15:02,967 I ever tell you about the story about me in little league? 352 00:15:02,969 --> 00:15:04,502 It's kinda funny. 353 00:15:04,504 --> 00:15:06,938 It's, uh-- 354 00:15:06,940 --> 00:15:08,439 I was a little older than you, 355 00:15:08,441 --> 00:15:11,009 And right before the game, 356 00:15:11,011 --> 00:15:14,212 I had just drank a lot of kool-aid. 357 00:15:14,214 --> 00:15:15,947 So I had to go to the bathroom, 358 00:15:15,949 --> 00:15:18,516 But I decided to hold it, 'cause when I was a kid, 359 00:15:18,518 --> 00:15:20,919 I didn't like going to the bathroom. 360 00:15:20,921 --> 00:15:22,253 Now I like going to the bathroom. 361 00:15:22,255 --> 00:15:25,023 I like it a lot. 362 00:15:25,025 --> 00:15:28,293 So, it's the third inning, 363 00:15:28,295 --> 00:15:29,928 And I'm playing second base, 364 00:15:29,930 --> 00:15:31,663 And I got to go real bad. 365 00:15:31,665 --> 00:15:34,232 And I'm--I'm scrunching my legs together, 366 00:15:34,234 --> 00:15:37,035 And I'm banging my mitt against my thigh, 367 00:15:37,037 --> 00:15:39,570 And I'm trying to keep up the chatter real loud. 368 00:15:39,572 --> 00:15:41,439 You know, I thought if I screamed loud enough, 369 00:15:41,441 --> 00:15:42,640 It would distract me. 370 00:15:42,642 --> 00:15:44,309 You know, "hey, batter, batter, 371 00:15:44,311 --> 00:15:47,278 Hey, batter, batter, hey, batter, batter, swing!" 372 00:15:47,280 --> 00:15:51,416 But, I couldn't hold it. 373 00:15:51,418 --> 00:15:54,252 I started to go. 374 00:15:54,254 --> 00:15:56,521 - You were on the field? 375 00:15:56,523 --> 00:16:00,491 - Right between first and second. 376 00:16:00,493 --> 00:16:05,229 It--it--it felt so bad... 377 00:16:05,231 --> 00:16:08,232 And yet so good. 378 00:16:12,471 --> 00:16:14,138 I still tried to keep up the chatter, 379 00:16:14,140 --> 00:16:16,374 But it was more like, 380 00:16:16,376 --> 00:16:19,577 [weak, high-pitched] "hey, batter, batter, hey. 381 00:16:19,579 --> 00:16:22,447 "hey, batter. 382 00:16:22,449 --> 00:16:25,450 Swing." 383 00:16:28,420 --> 00:16:30,088 So this-- 384 00:16:30,090 --> 00:16:33,324 This dark spot is getting bigger and bigger. 385 00:16:33,326 --> 00:16:35,026 But nobody seemed to notice, 386 00:16:35,028 --> 00:16:36,661 So I just thought soon as the inning's over, 387 00:16:36,663 --> 00:16:38,329 I'm just gonna run off the field. 388 00:16:38,331 --> 00:16:41,199 I'm gonna jump on my bike, and ride home. 389 00:16:41,201 --> 00:16:42,500 Just then, I look up, and there's 390 00:16:42,502 --> 00:16:44,235 Dave malloy on our bench. 391 00:16:44,237 --> 00:16:48,606 [simulating slow-mo audio] he-e-e-e-e-e-ey! 392 00:16:48,608 --> 00:16:54,278 Look at b-a-a-a-r-o-n-e!" 393 00:17:02,121 --> 00:17:06,724 I look up, and all the kids are laughing at me-- 394 00:17:06,726 --> 00:17:08,693 My own teammates. 395 00:17:08,695 --> 00:17:11,295 They were pounding the fence, they were laughing so hard. 396 00:17:11,297 --> 00:17:13,031 And-- 397 00:17:13,033 --> 00:17:14,399 [sighs] 398 00:17:14,401 --> 00:17:18,636 There I was at second base... 399 00:17:18,638 --> 00:17:22,340 Right in the middle of everything. 400 00:17:22,342 --> 00:17:24,275 - What did you do? 401 00:17:24,277 --> 00:17:27,478 - I did exactly what you're supposed to do. 402 00:17:27,480 --> 00:17:29,113 I cried. 403 00:17:29,115 --> 00:17:31,215 I bawled my eyes out. 404 00:17:31,217 --> 00:17:33,084 I should've cried earlier. 405 00:17:33,086 --> 00:17:36,821 Maybe it would've diverted some of the pee into tears. 406 00:17:36,823 --> 00:17:38,356 - Really? 407 00:17:38,358 --> 00:17:42,326 - Nah, the body doesn't work that way. 408 00:17:42,328 --> 00:17:47,298 Anyway, you know how in baseball you want a cool nickname? 409 00:17:47,300 --> 00:17:50,535 You know, like "hammerin' hank" or "the big hurt"? 410 00:17:50,537 --> 00:17:52,437 You know what the kids called me? 411 00:17:52,439 --> 00:17:55,473 "pee-pee" raymond. 412 00:17:55,475 --> 00:17:57,275 That's pretty clever, huh? "pee-pee" raymond. 413 00:17:57,277 --> 00:18:00,511 "'pee-pee' raymond! 'pee-pee' raymond!" 414 00:18:00,513 --> 00:18:05,583 That was me-- "pee-pee" raymond. 415 00:18:05,585 --> 00:18:07,318 Yeah. 416 00:18:07,320 --> 00:18:10,121 That was a bad day. 417 00:18:10,123 --> 00:18:12,757 It was like I had a rain delay in my pants. 418 00:18:12,759 --> 00:18:14,759 - [laughs] 419 00:18:20,165 --> 00:18:22,834 - So-- 420 00:18:22,836 --> 00:18:24,836 That's baseball. 421 00:18:29,174 --> 00:18:32,276 Oh, by the way, 422 00:18:32,278 --> 00:18:33,611 Couple days later, 423 00:18:33,613 --> 00:18:35,780 Kevin saganski is at the blackboard. 424 00:18:35,782 --> 00:18:38,549 He bends down to pick up some chalk, 425 00:18:38,551 --> 00:18:40,785 His pants split wide open. 426 00:18:40,787 --> 00:18:43,821 All of a sudden, I'm off the hook, you know? 427 00:18:43,823 --> 00:18:46,557 "pee-pee" raymond, it's old news now. 428 00:18:46,559 --> 00:18:47,825 The talk of the town? 429 00:18:47,827 --> 00:18:50,328 "butt-crack" saganski. 430 00:18:50,330 --> 00:18:53,564 [both chuckling] 431 00:18:53,566 --> 00:18:54,866 - That's funny. 432 00:18:54,868 --> 00:18:56,567 - Yeah. 433 00:18:56,569 --> 00:18:58,569 Yeah, it's funny. 434 00:19:01,340 --> 00:19:02,807 - Daddy? 435 00:19:02,809 --> 00:19:05,143 - Yeah? 436 00:19:05,145 --> 00:19:09,447 - I have to go to the bathroom. 437 00:19:09,449 --> 00:19:12,450 - You know what? Me too. 438 00:19:14,453 --> 00:19:16,387 And let me tell you something else. 439 00:19:16,389 --> 00:19:18,156 You know what happened to "butt-crack" saganski? 440 00:19:18,158 --> 00:19:19,724 - What? 441 00:19:19,726 --> 00:19:23,694 - He's now the president of fruit of the loom underwear. 442 00:19:29,234 --> 00:19:30,468 - Oh, yeah! 443 00:19:30,470 --> 00:19:34,739 Dad's still got the moves, mikey! 444 00:19:34,741 --> 00:19:37,408 I'm going off the mat! 445 00:19:37,410 --> 00:19:38,543 Whoo! 446 00:19:38,545 --> 00:19:40,344 I am on fire! 447 00:19:40,346 --> 00:19:43,347 - Hi, mommy. 448 00:19:50,222 --> 00:19:51,822 - What are you doing? 449 00:19:51,824 --> 00:19:55,259 - What am I doing? I'm getting all funky, baby! 450 00:19:57,863 --> 00:19:59,864 Take over, yeah. 451 00:20:04,469 --> 00:20:07,405 That's hereditary, that funk. 452 00:20:07,407 --> 00:20:09,473 - So this is your solution? 453 00:20:09,475 --> 00:20:11,375 Let him stay home all day and have a dance party? 454 00:20:11,377 --> 00:20:13,978 He's never gonna go to school again. 455 00:20:13,980 --> 00:20:15,780 - Michael, you going to school tomorrow? 456 00:20:15,782 --> 00:20:17,782 - Yep. 457 00:20:21,286 --> 00:20:22,353 - Really? 458 00:20:22,355 --> 00:20:25,723 - You heard the boy. 459 00:20:25,725 --> 00:20:26,891 Oh, and, uh, 460 00:20:26,893 --> 00:20:28,593 When you pack his lunch tomorrow, 461 00:20:28,595 --> 00:20:31,696 He wants salami sandwich with chips--barbecued flavor-- 462 00:20:31,698 --> 00:20:33,831 And don't give him the celery with the peanut butter. 463 00:20:33,833 --> 00:20:35,866 He's just gonna trade it for a fruit roll-up. 464 00:20:35,868 --> 00:20:38,302 - How did you do this? 465 00:20:38,304 --> 00:20:40,571 - Well, let's just say our kids are lucky 466 00:20:40,573 --> 00:20:46,277 That their father has led a very embarrassing life. 467 00:20:46,279 --> 00:20:47,678 By the way, I know why he didn't go to school. 468 00:20:47,680 --> 00:20:48,913 - Why? 469 00:20:48,915 --> 00:20:50,548 - Some of the kids were teasing him 470 00:20:50,550 --> 00:20:51,983 'cause he called one of the teachers "mommy." 471 00:20:51,985 --> 00:20:53,851 - He called one of the teachers "mommy"? 472 00:20:53,853 --> 00:20:55,353 - Yeah. 473 00:20:55,355 --> 00:20:58,356 - Why? Was the teacher yelling? 474 00:21:04,896 --> 00:21:08,733 - Ooh! Ooh! Whoo! Whoo! 475 00:21:15,040 --> 00:21:17,041 [bus stopping] 476 00:21:18,877 --> 00:21:20,278 All: Daddy! 477 00:21:20,280 --> 00:21:21,979 - Hey, hey, guys. How was school? 478 00:21:21,981 --> 00:21:24,315 - Great! - Yeah? What'd you do? 479 00:21:24,317 --> 00:21:27,585 - Hey, look! It's "pee-pee" raymond! 480 00:21:27,587 --> 00:21:29,820 All: [chanting] "pee-pee" raymond! 481 00:21:29,822 --> 00:21:31,822 "pee-pee" raymond! 33560

Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.