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1
00:00:03,737 --> 00:00:05,237
- Michael, come on.
2
00:00:05,239 --> 00:00:06,705
I let you stay yesterday.
Now get up.
3
00:00:06,707 --> 00:00:09,274
The bus is gonna be here
any minute.
4
00:00:09,276 --> 00:00:12,578
You can't miss school
again, michael.
5
00:00:12,580 --> 00:00:14,079
Michael, come--
get up.
6
00:00:14,081 --> 00:00:15,280
I am sick of this.
Come on, get up.
7
00:00:15,282 --> 00:00:16,749
Wait a minute.
Come back here.
8
00:00:16,751 --> 00:00:18,751
You back here right now.
9
00:00:18,753 --> 00:00:21,587
- Ow. All right.
10
00:00:21,589 --> 00:00:23,622
- You gotta help me,
michael's not getting up.
11
00:00:23,624 --> 00:00:25,057
- All right, all right,
all right, all right, all right.
12
00:00:25,059 --> 00:00:26,592
Michael?
13
00:00:26,594 --> 00:00:29,661
[deep voice] michael,
this is your father speaking.
14
00:00:29,663 --> 00:00:31,697
Get up.
15
00:00:31,699 --> 00:00:33,265
Well,
what are you gonna do?
16
00:00:33,267 --> 00:00:36,201
Easy, easy.
All right, all right.
17
00:00:36,203 --> 00:00:38,370
Michael--all right.
Come on, michael.
18
00:00:38,372 --> 00:00:40,272
Get up, will ya?
19
00:00:40,274 --> 00:00:41,507
Come on.
20
00:00:41,509 --> 00:00:42,741
- I'm sick.
21
00:00:42,743 --> 00:00:44,777
- What--
22
00:00:47,747 --> 00:00:49,248
- He's not sick.
- Let's go.
23
00:00:49,250 --> 00:00:50,282
Come on, you're not sick.
24
00:00:50,284 --> 00:00:51,483
Don't try to fool around.
25
00:00:51,485 --> 00:00:52,751
What's the matter
with you?
26
00:00:52,753 --> 00:00:54,720
- It's my stomach.
- Your stomach?
27
00:00:54,722 --> 00:00:56,355
Well, where does it hurt?
Point.
28
00:00:56,357 --> 00:00:58,057
Show me where.
29
00:00:58,059 --> 00:00:59,558
- It's my head.
- All right.
30
00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:01,693
- Let's go.
Come on, it's time for school.
31
00:01:01,695 --> 00:01:03,629
- I'm sick!
- Yesterday he said he was sick,
32
00:01:03,631 --> 00:01:05,130
And last night,
he's running around
33
00:01:05,132 --> 00:01:06,465
With a cape on going,
"whoo-whoo!"
34
00:01:06,467 --> 00:01:07,833
- Yeah, okay, yesterday
you said you were sick,
35
00:01:07,835 --> 00:01:09,334
And last night,
you run around with a cape on
36
00:01:09,336 --> 00:01:11,670
Going, "whoo-whoo."
37
00:01:11,672 --> 00:01:13,305
- He's not gonna
get away with it again.
38
00:01:13,307 --> 00:01:14,673
- You're not getting away
with that again.
39
00:01:14,675 --> 00:01:16,141
- Just--don't just repeat
what I say!
40
00:01:16,143 --> 00:01:17,676
- All right,
all right, all right.
41
00:01:17,678 --> 00:01:20,279
No, don't go back--
mich--did you do your homework?
42
00:01:20,281 --> 00:01:21,513
Did he do
his homework?
43
00:01:21,515 --> 00:01:22,614
- He said
he didn't have any.
44
00:01:22,616 --> 00:01:24,550
- And you fell for that?
45
00:01:24,552 --> 00:01:27,219
Oh, boy, I am gonna lie
to you more.
46
00:01:27,221 --> 00:01:30,389
Mike--michael,
did you have homework due?
47
00:01:30,391 --> 00:01:31,657
- Leave me alone!
48
00:01:31,659 --> 00:01:33,225
- You see?
All right, that's it.
49
00:01:33,227 --> 00:01:35,561
I know this game.
I invented it.
50
00:01:35,563 --> 00:01:37,096
- The bus is coming!
51
00:01:37,098 --> 00:01:38,864
- All right, michael,
the bus is coming.
52
00:01:38,866 --> 00:01:41,100
I'm not fooling around.
Now, you got to get up, come on.
53
00:01:41,102 --> 00:01:42,634
- No!
- Michael, listen.
54
00:01:42,636 --> 00:01:44,536
If--if you miss that bus,
55
00:01:44,538 --> 00:01:45,838
I'm gonna have
to drive you to school,
56
00:01:45,840 --> 00:01:47,806
And I'm gonna be late.
57
00:01:47,808 --> 00:01:49,708
- I don't care!
58
00:01:49,710 --> 00:01:51,777
- You don't care, huh?
You don't care? You don't care?
59
00:01:51,779 --> 00:01:53,178
How about I pick you up
and I carry you
60
00:01:53,180 --> 00:01:54,446
To the bus
in your pajamas, huh?
61
00:01:54,448 --> 00:01:56,281
Maybe you care about that!
- Go away!
62
00:01:56,283 --> 00:01:57,583
- Okay.
All right, that's it.
63
00:01:57,585 --> 00:01:58,851
- Oh, ray, no,
that's not a good idea.
64
00:01:58,853 --> 00:02:00,352
- Look, you got me into this,
65
00:02:00,354 --> 00:02:01,520
And now we're gonna
do it my way.
66
00:02:01,522 --> 00:02:03,322
- The bus is here!
67
00:02:03,324 --> 00:02:05,657
- You hold that bus!
68
00:02:05,659 --> 00:02:07,226
Look, all right, help me.
Help me.
69
00:02:07,228 --> 00:02:08,660
- Ray!
70
00:02:08,662 --> 00:02:09,795
- Bite his hands.
71
00:02:09,797 --> 00:02:11,430
- Just--just let him go.
72
00:02:11,432 --> 00:02:13,232
- You asked for my help.
73
00:02:13,234 --> 00:02:17,302
Well, this is how I do it.
74
00:02:17,304 --> 00:02:20,305
- The bus is gone!
75
00:02:26,146 --> 00:02:27,446
- If he was wearing
feet pajamas,
76
00:02:27,448 --> 00:02:30,449
He'd still be in here.
77
00:02:35,688 --> 00:02:37,456
- Hey.
- Hello.
78
00:02:37,458 --> 00:02:38,891
- Hey, what are you
doing here?
79
00:02:38,893 --> 00:02:40,926
- Well, amy's
working late tonight.
80
00:02:40,928 --> 00:02:42,828
- So?
81
00:02:42,830 --> 00:02:46,265
- So I thought I'd come by
and say "hey" to my little bro.
82
00:02:46,267 --> 00:02:47,466
What?
A guy can't stop by
83
00:02:47,468 --> 00:02:49,701
And say "hey"
to his little bro?
84
00:02:49,703 --> 00:02:53,572
- There's leftover macaroni
and cheese in the fridge.
85
00:02:53,574 --> 00:02:56,575
- I'll be in there.
86
00:02:58,178 --> 00:02:59,912
- Hey, how's michael?
87
00:02:59,914 --> 00:03:01,380
- Perfectly fine.
88
00:03:01,382 --> 00:03:02,814
He's reading comics.
89
00:03:02,816 --> 00:03:04,383
- Well, is he going
to school tomorrow?
90
00:03:04,385 --> 00:03:05,717
- I don't know.
91
00:03:05,719 --> 00:03:07,319
- He stayed home from school
again today?
92
00:03:07,321 --> 00:03:09,354
- Yep.
Debra couldn't get him to go.
93
00:03:09,356 --> 00:03:11,957
- Neither could you!
94
00:03:11,959 --> 00:03:13,959
- Well, I'll tell you
what the problem is, debra.
95
00:03:13,961 --> 00:03:16,662
- I was hoping
you would, marie.
96
00:03:16,664 --> 00:03:18,330
- I mean,
you let the kids play
97
00:03:18,332 --> 00:03:21,333
All those
computer videotronic games.
98
00:03:21,335 --> 00:03:24,703
And after that,
school is just boring to them.
99
00:03:24,705 --> 00:03:27,573
It's just
an old lady talking.
100
00:03:27,575 --> 00:03:31,577
- Where do you get
those videotronic games?
101
00:03:32,946 --> 00:03:34,980
- Why do I say anything?
102
00:03:34,982 --> 00:03:36,982
- Exactly.
103
00:03:38,918 --> 00:03:40,485
- Something wrong
with michael?
104
00:03:40,487 --> 00:03:41,753
- [sighs]
no.
105
00:03:41,755 --> 00:03:43,789
- He missed school
two days in a row.
106
00:03:43,791 --> 00:03:45,457
- Two days?
Is he sick?
107
00:03:45,459 --> 00:03:46,458
- No.
108
00:03:46,460 --> 00:03:49,962
- That's truancy.
109
00:03:49,964 --> 00:03:51,496
Not that I'd report it,
110
00:03:51,498 --> 00:03:52,598
But please,
don't make me choose
111
00:03:52,600 --> 00:03:54,299
Between
"robert the uncle"
112
00:03:54,301 --> 00:03:57,936
And "robert the sworn defender
of the law."
113
00:03:57,938 --> 00:04:01,273
- How about you just stay
"robert the stink-footed oaf"?
114
00:04:01,275 --> 00:04:03,542
- [laughs sarcastically]
115
00:04:03,544 --> 00:04:06,545
[whispering]
oh, that's funny.
116
00:04:09,682 --> 00:04:11,283
- I don't know.
117
00:04:11,285 --> 00:04:12,918
I just--I don't know
what to do anymore.
118
00:04:12,920 --> 00:04:14,987
- Hey, deb, I could show you
a couple of techniques I used
119
00:04:14,989 --> 00:04:16,855
To get these two mutts
out of bed.
120
00:04:16,857 --> 00:04:20,993
- We're not gonna put ice cubes
down his pants, dad.
121
00:04:20,995 --> 00:04:22,661
- I'm not saying
you start with that.
122
00:04:22,663 --> 00:04:24,329
I'm saying you start
with what I used to call
123
00:04:24,331 --> 00:04:27,532
"the dirty sock alarm clock."
124
00:04:29,369 --> 00:04:32,404
- Oh, frank,
that was disgusting.
125
00:04:32,406 --> 00:04:34,539
- You reach way down
to the bottom of the hamper.
126
00:04:34,541 --> 00:04:37,509
- We're not doing that,
frank.
127
00:04:37,511 --> 00:04:42,047
- It's called
"tough, smelly love."
128
00:04:42,049 --> 00:04:45,617
- Sometimes he'd use
my own sock against me.
129
00:04:52,058 --> 00:04:54,860
- How come michael
doesn't want to go to school?
130
00:04:54,862 --> 00:04:56,962
- Nobody wants
to go to school.
131
00:04:56,964 --> 00:04:59,364
He didn't do his homework.
- Listen to me.
132
00:04:59,366 --> 00:05:01,400
You want to know
how to motivate a kid?
133
00:05:01,402 --> 00:05:03,635
You get him something
he really loves,
134
00:05:03,637 --> 00:05:06,538
Then take it away.
135
00:05:06,540 --> 00:05:08,607
- All right, frank.
- He likes trains, right?
136
00:05:08,609 --> 00:05:11,443
So you get him a nice,
new steam locomotive--
137
00:05:11,445 --> 00:05:14,413
Something that makes his face
really light up.
138
00:05:14,415 --> 00:05:17,849
Then you get a hammer.
139
00:05:25,325 --> 00:05:27,559
- We're not gonna
smash his trains.
140
00:05:27,561 --> 00:05:29,561
- Does he have
a turtle?
141
00:05:31,731 --> 00:05:33,965
- Well, you have
to do something, debra.
142
00:05:33,967 --> 00:05:35,434
- Why is this all on me?
143
00:05:35,436 --> 00:05:36,635
What about him?
He lives here.
144
00:05:36,637 --> 00:05:38,036
- Hey, I tried.
145
00:05:38,038 --> 00:05:39,604
I had him halfway
out the door this morning,
146
00:05:39,606 --> 00:05:41,940
But she wouldn't bite
his hands.
147
00:05:41,942 --> 00:05:44,076
- Yeah, then you run off
to work, and I'm stuck.
148
00:05:44,078 --> 00:05:45,877
You know, I had a lot of things
to do today,
149
00:05:45,879 --> 00:05:48,080
And I couldn't because
I had to stay here with michael.
150
00:05:48,082 --> 00:05:51,883
- There's always time
to get your hair done, dear.
151
00:05:51,885 --> 00:05:54,786
- I wasn't going
to do my hair.
152
00:05:54,788 --> 00:05:58,657
- Oh.
153
00:05:58,659 --> 00:06:01,560
We should
talk about that too.
154
00:06:01,562 --> 00:06:02,894
- You want me
to go up there
155
00:06:02,896 --> 00:06:04,930
And explain the truancy laws
in this county?
156
00:06:04,932 --> 00:06:07,933
Maybe drive him by the dock,
show him a couple bums?
157
00:06:10,503 --> 00:06:12,104
- I'll go with ya.
Where's the hamper?
158
00:06:12,106 --> 00:06:13,805
- No, no, all right,
stop, here.
159
00:06:13,807 --> 00:06:16,708
Look, we appreciate
your medieval advice.
160
00:06:16,710 --> 00:06:18,477
But we'll do
what needs to be done, okay?
161
00:06:18,479 --> 00:06:19,978
Michael is going
to school tomorrow.
162
00:06:19,980 --> 00:06:21,446
- Yeah, but if there's
a problem--
163
00:06:21,448 --> 00:06:22,848
- There's not gonna be
a problem.
164
00:06:22,850 --> 00:06:24,449
- But if there is--
- there's not gonna be.
165
00:06:24,451 --> 00:06:26,852
- But if there is--
166
00:06:26,854 --> 00:06:29,654
- Not gonna.
167
00:06:29,656 --> 00:06:31,156
- I won't be here,
'cause I'm driving ally's class
168
00:06:31,158 --> 00:06:32,557
To their field trip tomorrow.
169
00:06:32,559 --> 00:06:33,825
- Wait, wait, wait, wait!
170
00:06:33,827 --> 00:06:35,160
Who's gonna
get him out of bed?
171
00:06:35,162 --> 00:06:36,661
- I was thinking you.
172
00:06:36,663 --> 00:06:38,697
- Well, what--
what about my job?
173
00:06:38,699 --> 00:06:39,998
- This is part of your job.
174
00:06:40,000 --> 00:06:43,001
- I mean my real job.
175
00:06:47,907 --> 00:06:49,908
Let's not fight.
176
00:06:51,978 --> 00:06:53,779
Oh, come on, michael,
go to school!
177
00:06:53,781 --> 00:06:56,148
You're killin' me, man!
178
00:06:56,150 --> 00:06:58,150
- How's it going?
- Look, he's bustin' my hump.
179
00:06:58,152 --> 00:07:00,118
You got to do this, okay?
I'm gonna be late.
180
00:07:00,120 --> 00:07:02,454
- No, honey, I got ten kids
waiting for me, and I'm late.
181
00:07:02,456 --> 00:07:03,588
- But wait a minute.
I'm swamped here.
182
00:07:03,590 --> 00:07:04,956
I got to finish two columns,
183
00:07:04,958 --> 00:07:06,458
And I got to interview
george steinbrenner!
184
00:07:06,460 --> 00:07:08,059
- Sorry, ray, I got to go.
- No, no, you--
185
00:07:08,061 --> 00:07:10,595
You come back here,
young lady!
186
00:07:10,597 --> 00:07:13,064
Old lady!
187
00:07:13,066 --> 00:07:18,036
Who reminds me
of my mom!
188
00:07:18,038 --> 00:07:20,038
[door slams]
189
00:07:21,607 --> 00:07:23,608
[groans]
190
00:07:31,484 --> 00:07:33,718
All right.
191
00:07:33,720 --> 00:07:36,054
I didn't want to do this.
192
00:07:36,056 --> 00:07:39,491
But you leave me no choice.
193
00:07:41,227 --> 00:07:42,761
Oh, great.
194
00:07:42,763 --> 00:07:45,764
The one day
she does laundry.
195
00:07:55,041 --> 00:07:57,642
- Yes, hi.
Uh, this is ray barone.
196
00:07:57,644 --> 00:07:59,044
Um, I was supposed
to come down
197
00:07:59,046 --> 00:08:01,513
And interview
mr. Steinbrenner this morning,
198
00:08:01,515 --> 00:08:04,049
But unfortunately,
something's come up.
199
00:08:04,051 --> 00:08:07,519
Well, uh,
kind of a--
200
00:08:07,521 --> 00:08:09,788
Family tragedy.
201
00:08:09,790 --> 00:08:11,523
Yeah.
202
00:08:11,525 --> 00:08:12,924
No, no, no,
I was just wondering,
203
00:08:12,926 --> 00:08:14,926
Um, could we do this
on the phone?
204
00:08:14,928 --> 00:08:17,963
Yes, yeah, I'll hold.
Thank you.
205
00:08:17,965 --> 00:08:20,565
Well, look who's up.
206
00:08:20,567 --> 00:08:21,867
- I'm hungry.
207
00:08:21,869 --> 00:08:23,134
- Yeah, well,
breakfast time ended
208
00:08:23,136 --> 00:08:25,036
When the school bus left,
okay?
209
00:08:25,038 --> 00:08:26,838
So congratulations, you get
to stay home again today.
210
00:08:26,840 --> 00:08:28,006
Let me tell you something,
mister.
211
00:08:28,008 --> 00:08:29,841
A couple of hours
with daddy,
212
00:08:29,843 --> 00:08:32,277
And you're gonna be begging
to go back to school.
213
00:08:32,279 --> 00:08:33,745
Hello.
Oh, hi.
214
00:08:33,747 --> 00:08:35,146
Oh, yeah,
hi, mr. Steinbrenner.
215
00:08:35,148 --> 00:08:37,249
Uh--
216
00:08:37,251 --> 00:08:39,818
Yeah, a tragedy, right.
217
00:08:39,820 --> 00:08:43,288
My--mother.
218
00:08:43,290 --> 00:08:44,823
Yeah, but, uh,
she'll pull through.
219
00:08:44,825 --> 00:08:46,525
She's a tough old broad.
220
00:08:46,527 --> 00:08:48,560
Anyway, um, listen,
I know you're a busy man,
221
00:08:48,562 --> 00:08:50,595
And I just wanted
to start by--
222
00:08:50,597 --> 00:08:52,697
[tv blaring]
223
00:08:52,699 --> 00:08:55,600
Excuse me.
Excuse me one second, sir.
224
00:08:55,602 --> 00:08:57,035
No tv!
No tv!
225
00:08:57,037 --> 00:08:59,204
No! No, no!
No, no, no, no, no!
226
00:08:59,206 --> 00:09:00,906
No tv!
227
00:09:00,908 --> 00:09:02,841
Yeah, hello?
I'm sorry.
228
00:09:02,843 --> 00:09:04,142
Sorry about that.
No, no, no.
229
00:09:04,144 --> 00:09:06,011
No, I can do this.
Sure, yeah.
230
00:09:06,013 --> 00:09:08,213
Um, okay, well, mainly,
I wanted to start
231
00:09:08,215 --> 00:09:11,550
By getting your feelings
on revenue sharing.
232
00:09:11,552 --> 00:09:15,120
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
233
00:09:15,122 --> 00:09:17,789
[whispering]
no, no.
234
00:09:17,791 --> 00:09:19,324
Okay, yeah, well,
that's a good point.
235
00:09:19,326 --> 00:09:22,160
Yeah. Yeah--
236
00:09:22,162 --> 00:09:23,728
Right.
237
00:09:23,730 --> 00:09:25,664
Right, and what about
the smaller markets?
238
00:09:25,666 --> 00:09:27,732
Hey!
239
00:09:27,734 --> 00:09:28,900
You're not eating doughnuts,
okay?
240
00:09:28,902 --> 00:09:31,169
No doughnuts for you!
241
00:09:31,171 --> 00:09:33,738
I--yeah, sorry.
242
00:09:33,740 --> 00:09:36,007
It's the kids, yeah.
243
00:09:36,009 --> 00:09:37,576
Kids, I know.
244
00:09:37,578 --> 00:09:39,844
Yeah, too bad
you can't fire them.
245
00:09:39,846 --> 00:09:41,646
Although you
probably have, right?
246
00:09:41,648 --> 00:09:43,214
Yeah--
get down from there!
247
00:09:43,216 --> 00:09:44,649
Stop it!
248
00:09:44,651 --> 00:09:46,017
Hey--sit down!
249
00:09:46,019 --> 00:09:48,186
I will tell you
what you're going to eat!
250
00:09:48,188 --> 00:09:50,021
Hello.
251
00:09:50,023 --> 00:09:53,291
Oh.
We're done?
252
00:09:53,293 --> 00:09:54,859
Well--
253
00:09:54,861 --> 00:09:57,195
Yeah.
Okay.
254
00:09:57,197 --> 00:10:00,065
All right.
Thank you, sir.
255
00:10:00,067 --> 00:10:01,800
Michael!
256
00:10:01,802 --> 00:10:03,368
Put it down.
Put it down.
257
00:10:03,370 --> 00:10:04,803
Do you know what
you just did?
258
00:10:04,805 --> 00:10:06,004
Do you know who that was
on the phone?
259
00:10:06,006 --> 00:10:08,373
- No.
- It doesn't matter.
260
00:10:08,375 --> 00:10:12,310
George steinbrenner!
261
00:10:12,312 --> 00:10:14,212
So none of this, okay?
262
00:10:14,214 --> 00:10:17,082
None of this captain sugar's
chocolate-covered sugar for you.
263
00:10:17,084 --> 00:10:18,316
You're hungry?
264
00:10:18,318 --> 00:10:20,018
All right,
if you're hungry, here.
265
00:10:20,020 --> 00:10:21,620
Here's what you're gonna eat.
266
00:10:21,622 --> 00:10:23,888
Fiber 100, all right?
267
00:10:23,890 --> 00:10:25,190
Yeah, that's right.
268
00:10:25,192 --> 00:10:26,358
No fun stuff, okay?
269
00:10:26,360 --> 00:10:28,126
No cartoons on the box
for you.
270
00:10:28,128 --> 00:10:32,230
You're--you're getting
two grandmas on a bike--
271
00:10:32,232 --> 00:10:34,699
The kind of crap
I have to eat every day.
272
00:10:34,701 --> 00:10:37,235
Yeah, yeah,
no maze to chocolate land.
273
00:10:37,237 --> 00:10:40,739
Here, here, you can read
about colon health.
274
00:10:40,741 --> 00:10:43,108
So dig in!
275
00:10:43,110 --> 00:10:45,010
Here you go.
276
00:10:45,012 --> 00:10:47,879
Here's some delicious
skim milk for you.
277
00:10:47,881 --> 00:10:50,882
Welcome to my world.
278
00:10:52,385 --> 00:10:53,952
All right, listen,
279
00:10:53,954 --> 00:10:55,186
Here's how
it's gonna go today.
280
00:10:55,188 --> 00:10:56,755
No cartoons,
no video games,
281
00:10:56,757 --> 00:10:59,057
No computer games,
no fun, okay?
282
00:10:59,059 --> 00:11:02,427
First, you're gonna eat
this wood.
283
00:11:02,429 --> 00:11:04,195
And then you're gonna get
your homework,
284
00:11:04,197 --> 00:11:06,398
And you're gonna come
downstairs to my office.
285
00:11:06,400 --> 00:11:09,901
It's study hall.
That's right.
286
00:11:09,903 --> 00:11:11,936
You're gonna work
right in front of me
287
00:11:11,938 --> 00:11:14,372
Where I can keep an eye on you;
you got that?
288
00:11:14,374 --> 00:11:16,941
- I don't have any homework.
289
00:11:16,943 --> 00:11:18,743
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
290
00:11:18,745 --> 00:11:22,180
Who do you think
you're dealing with here, huh?
291
00:11:22,182 --> 00:11:23,782
I may seem stupid,
292
00:11:23,784 --> 00:11:25,016
But that's just
to get your mother
293
00:11:25,018 --> 00:11:29,020
To not ask me
to do stuff, okay?
294
00:11:31,691 --> 00:11:33,224
I know all the angles, pal.
295
00:11:33,226 --> 00:11:35,093
I know all the excuses.
296
00:11:35,095 --> 00:11:37,896
If my dog shamski had eaten
as much homework as I said,
297
00:11:37,898 --> 00:11:42,133
He would have pooped
the encyclopedia britannica.
298
00:11:42,135 --> 00:11:43,468
All right?
299
00:11:43,470 --> 00:11:45,036
So you just eat this,
300
00:11:45,038 --> 00:11:46,404
And then you're getting
your homework,
301
00:11:46,406 --> 00:11:48,306
And you're
coming downstairs.
302
00:11:48,308 --> 00:11:50,442
- I don't have any.
303
00:11:50,444 --> 00:11:53,745
- You're sticking
with that story, huh?
304
00:11:53,747 --> 00:11:55,080
All right.
Well, you know what?
305
00:11:55,082 --> 00:11:56,314
Then you're just gonna
come downstairs,
306
00:11:56,316 --> 00:11:58,116
And you're gonna
watch me work.
307
00:11:58,118 --> 00:12:00,085
You think school is boring
and meaningless.
308
00:12:00,087 --> 00:12:03,788
Wait'll you see
what I do for a living.
309
00:12:03,790 --> 00:12:07,258
Oh, captain sugar.
He's coming with me.
310
00:12:07,260 --> 00:12:10,261
Hey, look,
a prize!
311
00:12:14,266 --> 00:12:15,867
- This is boring.
312
00:12:15,869 --> 00:12:18,803
- That's right.
313
00:12:18,805 --> 00:12:22,273
Bet you wish you were
back at school right now, huh?
314
00:12:22,275 --> 00:12:25,009
No? Not yet?
All right, well--
315
00:12:25,011 --> 00:12:28,079
Don't worry;
we'll be done here in about...
316
00:12:28,081 --> 00:12:31,816
Oh, five hours.
317
00:12:31,818 --> 00:12:34,819
[giggles]
318
00:12:41,827 --> 00:12:43,261
Hey, wha--what are you doing?
319
00:12:43,263 --> 00:12:44,362
- Reading.
320
00:12:44,364 --> 00:12:46,998
- No, no, no.
Comics is not--
321
00:12:47,000 --> 00:12:50,502
What is she wearing?
322
00:12:50,504 --> 00:12:52,070
They should have
ratings on this,
323
00:12:52,072 --> 00:12:55,073
'cause this is
totally inappropriate.
324
00:13:04,316 --> 00:13:06,484
All right, pay attention.
I'm gonna--
325
00:13:06,486 --> 00:13:08,787
I'm gonna read you something
that I'm working on.
326
00:13:08,789 --> 00:13:11,089
It's, uh,
a baseball column.
327
00:13:11,091 --> 00:13:14,125
"everybody always says
the designated hitter
328
00:13:14,127 --> 00:13:16,194
"has taken the strategy
out of the game.
329
00:13:16,196 --> 00:13:18,963
"you know, is the manager
gonna pinch-hit for the pitcher,
330
00:13:18,965 --> 00:13:20,365
"or is he gonna
leave him in?
331
00:13:20,367 --> 00:13:22,300
"I say, what's so exciting
332
00:13:22,302 --> 00:13:27,105
About watching
some fat manager think?"
333
00:13:27,107 --> 00:13:30,141
How's that sound?
- Good.
334
00:13:30,143 --> 00:13:32,443
- Yeah?
What's good about it?
335
00:13:32,445 --> 00:13:35,980
- The fat manager.
336
00:13:35,982 --> 00:13:39,083
- It's kinda funny,
isn't it?
337
00:13:42,054 --> 00:13:45,056
[sighs]
all right.
338
00:13:49,361 --> 00:13:52,096
- The kids teased me.
339
00:13:52,098 --> 00:13:53,464
- What?
340
00:13:53,466 --> 00:13:56,334
- In my class,
all the kids laughed at me.
341
00:13:56,336 --> 00:13:58,503
- The kids laughed at you?
Why?
342
00:13:58,505 --> 00:14:01,239
- I went up to the teacher
to ask her a question,
343
00:14:01,241 --> 00:14:04,242
And I accidentally
said, "mommy."
344
00:14:06,111 --> 00:14:09,180
- You called
the teacher "mommy"?
345
00:14:09,182 --> 00:14:12,183
Why?
Was the teacher yelling?
346
00:14:20,526 --> 00:14:23,595
- Then I cried,
and everybody called me crybaby.
347
00:14:36,475 --> 00:14:39,043
- [sighs]
348
00:14:39,045 --> 00:14:42,046
I made you eat the fiber.
349
00:14:55,895 --> 00:14:57,428
Hey--
350
00:14:57,430 --> 00:14:59,197
Speaking of baseball,
351
00:14:59,199 --> 00:15:02,967
I ever tell you about the story
about me in little league?
352
00:15:02,969 --> 00:15:04,502
It's kinda funny.
353
00:15:04,504 --> 00:15:06,938
It's, uh--
354
00:15:06,940 --> 00:15:08,439
I was a little older than you,
355
00:15:08,441 --> 00:15:11,009
And right before the game,
356
00:15:11,011 --> 00:15:14,212
I had just drank
a lot of kool-aid.
357
00:15:14,214 --> 00:15:15,947
So I had to go
to the bathroom,
358
00:15:15,949 --> 00:15:18,516
But I decided to hold it,
'cause when I was a kid,
359
00:15:18,518 --> 00:15:20,919
I didn't like going
to the bathroom.
360
00:15:20,921 --> 00:15:22,253
Now I like going
to the bathroom.
361
00:15:22,255 --> 00:15:25,023
I like it a lot.
362
00:15:25,025 --> 00:15:28,293
So, it's the third inning,
363
00:15:28,295 --> 00:15:29,928
And I'm playing
second base,
364
00:15:29,930 --> 00:15:31,663
And I got to go real bad.
365
00:15:31,665 --> 00:15:34,232
And I'm--I'm scrunching
my legs together,
366
00:15:34,234 --> 00:15:37,035
And I'm banging my mitt
against my thigh,
367
00:15:37,037 --> 00:15:39,570
And I'm trying to keep up
the chatter real loud.
368
00:15:39,572 --> 00:15:41,439
You know, I thought
if I screamed loud enough,
369
00:15:41,441 --> 00:15:42,640
It would distract me.
370
00:15:42,642 --> 00:15:44,309
You know,
"hey, batter, batter,
371
00:15:44,311 --> 00:15:47,278
Hey, batter, batter,
hey, batter, batter, swing!"
372
00:15:47,280 --> 00:15:51,416
But, I couldn't hold it.
373
00:15:51,418 --> 00:15:54,252
I started to go.
374
00:15:54,254 --> 00:15:56,521
- You were on the field?
375
00:15:56,523 --> 00:16:00,491
- Right between
first and second.
376
00:16:00,493 --> 00:16:05,229
It--it--it felt so bad...
377
00:16:05,231 --> 00:16:08,232
And yet so good.
378
00:16:12,471 --> 00:16:14,138
I still tried
to keep up the chatter,
379
00:16:14,140 --> 00:16:16,374
But it was more like,
380
00:16:16,376 --> 00:16:19,577
[weak, high-pitched]
"hey, batter, batter, hey.
381
00:16:19,579 --> 00:16:22,447
"hey, batter.
382
00:16:22,449 --> 00:16:25,450
Swing."
383
00:16:28,420 --> 00:16:30,088
So this--
384
00:16:30,090 --> 00:16:33,324
This dark spot
is getting bigger and bigger.
385
00:16:33,326 --> 00:16:35,026
But nobody seemed to notice,
386
00:16:35,028 --> 00:16:36,661
So I just thought
soon as the inning's over,
387
00:16:36,663 --> 00:16:38,329
I'm just gonna
run off the field.
388
00:16:38,331 --> 00:16:41,199
I'm gonna jump on my bike,
and ride home.
389
00:16:41,201 --> 00:16:42,500
Just then, I look up,
and there's
390
00:16:42,502 --> 00:16:44,235
Dave malloy
on our bench.
391
00:16:44,237 --> 00:16:48,606
[simulating slow-mo audio]
he-e-e-e-e-e-ey!
392
00:16:48,608 --> 00:16:54,278
Look at b-a-a-a-r-o-n-e!"
393
00:17:02,121 --> 00:17:06,724
I look up, and all the kids
are laughing at me--
394
00:17:06,726 --> 00:17:08,693
My own teammates.
395
00:17:08,695 --> 00:17:11,295
They were pounding the fence,
they were laughing so hard.
396
00:17:11,297 --> 00:17:13,031
And--
397
00:17:13,033 --> 00:17:14,399
[sighs]
398
00:17:14,401 --> 00:17:18,636
There I was
at second base...
399
00:17:18,638 --> 00:17:22,340
Right in the middle
of everything.
400
00:17:22,342 --> 00:17:24,275
- What did you do?
401
00:17:24,277 --> 00:17:27,478
- I did exactly what
you're supposed to do.
402
00:17:27,480 --> 00:17:29,113
I cried.
403
00:17:29,115 --> 00:17:31,215
I bawled my eyes out.
404
00:17:31,217 --> 00:17:33,084
I should've cried earlier.
405
00:17:33,086 --> 00:17:36,821
Maybe it would've diverted
some of the pee into tears.
406
00:17:36,823 --> 00:17:38,356
- Really?
407
00:17:38,358 --> 00:17:42,326
- Nah, the body
doesn't work that way.
408
00:17:42,328 --> 00:17:47,298
Anyway, you know how in baseball
you want a cool nickname?
409
00:17:47,300 --> 00:17:50,535
You know, like "hammerin' hank"
or "the big hurt"?
410
00:17:50,537 --> 00:17:52,437
You know what
the kids called me?
411
00:17:52,439 --> 00:17:55,473
"pee-pee" raymond.
412
00:17:55,475 --> 00:17:57,275
That's pretty clever, huh?
"pee-pee" raymond.
413
00:17:57,277 --> 00:18:00,511
"'pee-pee' raymond!
'pee-pee' raymond!"
414
00:18:00,513 --> 00:18:05,583
That was me--
"pee-pee" raymond.
415
00:18:05,585 --> 00:18:07,318
Yeah.
416
00:18:07,320 --> 00:18:10,121
That was a bad day.
417
00:18:10,123 --> 00:18:12,757
It was like I had
a rain delay in my pants.
418
00:18:12,759 --> 00:18:14,759
- [laughs]
419
00:18:20,165 --> 00:18:22,834
- So--
420
00:18:22,836 --> 00:18:24,836
That's baseball.
421
00:18:29,174 --> 00:18:32,276
Oh, by the way,
422
00:18:32,278 --> 00:18:33,611
Couple days later,
423
00:18:33,613 --> 00:18:35,780
Kevin saganski
is at the blackboard.
424
00:18:35,782 --> 00:18:38,549
He bends down
to pick up some chalk,
425
00:18:38,551 --> 00:18:40,785
His pants split wide open.
426
00:18:40,787 --> 00:18:43,821
All of a sudden,
I'm off the hook, you know?
427
00:18:43,823 --> 00:18:46,557
"pee-pee" raymond,
it's old news now.
428
00:18:46,559 --> 00:18:47,825
The talk of the town?
429
00:18:47,827 --> 00:18:50,328
"butt-crack" saganski.
430
00:18:50,330 --> 00:18:53,564
[both chuckling]
431
00:18:53,566 --> 00:18:54,866
- That's funny.
432
00:18:54,868 --> 00:18:56,567
- Yeah.
433
00:18:56,569 --> 00:18:58,569
Yeah, it's funny.
434
00:19:01,340 --> 00:19:02,807
- Daddy?
435
00:19:02,809 --> 00:19:05,143
- Yeah?
436
00:19:05,145 --> 00:19:09,447
- I have to go
to the bathroom.
437
00:19:09,449 --> 00:19:12,450
- You know what?
Me too.
438
00:19:14,453 --> 00:19:16,387
And let me tell you
something else.
439
00:19:16,389 --> 00:19:18,156
You know what happened
to "butt-crack" saganski?
440
00:19:18,158 --> 00:19:19,724
- What?
441
00:19:19,726 --> 00:19:23,694
- He's now the president
of fruit of the loom underwear.
442
00:19:29,234 --> 00:19:30,468
- Oh, yeah!
443
00:19:30,470 --> 00:19:34,739
Dad's still got
the moves, mikey!
444
00:19:34,741 --> 00:19:37,408
I'm going off the mat!
445
00:19:37,410 --> 00:19:38,543
Whoo!
446
00:19:38,545 --> 00:19:40,344
I am on fire!
447
00:19:40,346 --> 00:19:43,347
- Hi, mommy.
448
00:19:50,222 --> 00:19:51,822
- What are you doing?
449
00:19:51,824 --> 00:19:55,259
- What am I doing?
I'm getting all funky, baby!
450
00:19:57,863 --> 00:19:59,864
Take over, yeah.
451
00:20:04,469 --> 00:20:07,405
That's hereditary,
that funk.
452
00:20:07,407 --> 00:20:09,473
- So this is your solution?
453
00:20:09,475 --> 00:20:11,375
Let him stay home all day
and have a dance party?
454
00:20:11,377 --> 00:20:13,978
He's never gonna
go to school again.
455
00:20:13,980 --> 00:20:15,780
- Michael, you going
to school tomorrow?
456
00:20:15,782 --> 00:20:17,782
- Yep.
457
00:20:21,286 --> 00:20:22,353
- Really?
458
00:20:22,355 --> 00:20:25,723
- You heard the boy.
459
00:20:25,725 --> 00:20:26,891
Oh, and, uh,
460
00:20:26,893 --> 00:20:28,593
When you pack his lunch
tomorrow,
461
00:20:28,595 --> 00:20:31,696
He wants salami sandwich
with chips--barbecued flavor--
462
00:20:31,698 --> 00:20:33,831
And don't give him the celery
with the peanut butter.
463
00:20:33,833 --> 00:20:35,866
He's just gonna trade it
for a fruit roll-up.
464
00:20:35,868 --> 00:20:38,302
- How did you do this?
465
00:20:38,304 --> 00:20:40,571
- Well, let's just say
our kids are lucky
466
00:20:40,573 --> 00:20:46,277
That their father has led
a very embarrassing life.
467
00:20:46,279 --> 00:20:47,678
By the way, I know why
he didn't go to school.
468
00:20:47,680 --> 00:20:48,913
- Why?
469
00:20:48,915 --> 00:20:50,548
- Some of the kids
were teasing him
470
00:20:50,550 --> 00:20:51,983
'cause he called
one of the teachers "mommy."
471
00:20:51,985 --> 00:20:53,851
- He called one of
the teachers "mommy"?
472
00:20:53,853 --> 00:20:55,353
- Yeah.
473
00:20:55,355 --> 00:20:58,356
- Why?
Was the teacher yelling?
474
00:21:04,896 --> 00:21:08,733
- Ooh! Ooh!
Whoo! Whoo!
475
00:21:15,040 --> 00:21:17,041
[bus stopping]
476
00:21:18,877 --> 00:21:20,278
All: Daddy!
477
00:21:20,280 --> 00:21:21,979
- Hey, hey, guys.
How was school?
478
00:21:21,981 --> 00:21:24,315
- Great!
- Yeah? What'd you do?
479
00:21:24,317 --> 00:21:27,585
- Hey, look!
It's "pee-pee" raymond!
480
00:21:27,587 --> 00:21:29,820
All: [chanting]
"pee-pee" raymond!
481
00:21:29,822 --> 00:21:31,822
"pee-pee" raymond!
33560
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