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When I was 22, I got involved
with the Russian mafia.
2
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Here's how it happened.
3
00:00:56,099 --> 00:00:59,102
I went to school at Florida State.
I was not a very good student.
4
00:00:59,937 --> 00:01:01,063
This is how bad I was.
5
00:01:01,063 --> 00:01:04,107
I signed up for a Russian class one time,
thinking it was Spanish.
6
00:01:04,107 --> 00:01:06,151
And it took me three classes
before I realized,
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-"I don't think this is Spanish."
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So I took Russian 1, 2, 3, and 4,
never learned a fucking word.
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MOSCOW
10
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The end of Russian 4,
same teacher pulls me aside.
11
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She's like,
"Yo, we're taking a trip to Russia.
12
00:01:18,705 --> 00:01:20,374
If you go, you'll get a minor."
13
00:01:20,374 --> 00:01:22,709
I was like,
"Strasvutsia, bitches, I'm back!"
14
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We went to Russia.
The Russian mob ran everything.
15
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{\an8}And they told us that our first night.
16
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{\an8}I'm in the back of the class like,
"This trip just got fucking awesome."
17
00:01:29,800 --> 00:01:30,884
VOLGOVITCH CASINO
18
00:01:30,884 --> 00:01:33,971
Then, like, in exchange for our money,
they gave us two young gangsters.
19
00:01:33,971 --> 00:01:36,014
The word for that
in Russian is "banditti."
20
00:01:36,014 --> 00:01:38,433
So I ended up befriending the banditti.
21
00:01:40,686 --> 00:01:44,439
Then, one night, the whole class is taking
an overnight train trip to Moscow.
22
00:01:44,439 --> 00:01:47,317
We roll to the bar car
like a big dick in a locker room.
23
00:01:47,317 --> 00:01:50,571
Just, not that I've ever been that guy,
but I've seen it.
24
00:01:50,571 --> 00:01:53,156
So the banditti says to me,
25
00:01:53,156 --> 00:01:56,201
"Don't worry. When it gets dark,
we have good time."
26
00:01:56,201 --> 00:01:58,287
I'm like,
"What are we doing when it gets dark?"
27
00:01:59,121 --> 00:02:01,206
Reaches into his pocket,
pulls a ring of keys out.
28
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He goes,
"We're robbing the whole fucking train."
29
00:02:03,542 --> 00:02:04,626
Now...
30
00:02:07,588 --> 00:02:09,923
I'm a good per-- I'm an okay person.
31
00:02:11,508 --> 00:02:13,719
My point is, we fucking robbed them.
32
00:02:15,596 --> 00:02:18,640
We robbed the whole train,
and then we drank hard as shit.
33
00:02:19,266 --> 00:02:22,853
Pull in to Moscow at 6 a.m.,
hammered, piss drunk. Train stops.
34
00:02:22,853 --> 00:02:23,770
It is him.
35
00:02:23,770 --> 00:02:25,564
My whole class, they're in their pajamas.
36
00:02:25,564 --> 00:02:27,566
They're upset.
They've been robbed. I get it.
37
00:02:27,566 --> 00:02:32,195
I want what you stole, Machine!
38
00:02:32,195 --> 00:02:33,989
-I'm the Machine!
39
00:02:33,989 --> 00:02:37,784
They look at me and look at each other and
they're like, "Fuck it! He's the Machine!"
40
00:02:50,839 --> 00:02:54,760
♪ I thought I saw a man brought to life ♪
41
00:02:56,511 --> 00:03:01,516
{\an8}♪ He was warm
He came around like he was dignified ♪
42
00:03:02,768 --> 00:03:05,854
{\an8}♪ He showed me what it was to cry ♪
43
00:03:07,481 --> 00:03:11,902
{\an8}♪ Well, you couldn't be
That one I adored ♪
44
00:03:13,278 --> 00:03:18,408
{\an8}♪ You don't seem to know
Seem to care what your heart is for ♪
45
00:03:19,743 --> 00:03:22,412
♪ But I don't know you anymore ♪
46
00:03:22,412 --> 00:03:28,794
{\an8}♪ There's nothing where you used to lie
Our conversation has run dry ♪
47
00:03:29,544 --> 00:03:35,175
{\an8}♪ That's what's going on
Nothing's fine, I'm torn ♪
48
00:03:35,175 --> 00:03:40,847
♪ I'm all out of faith
This is how I feel ♪
49
00:03:40,847 --> 00:03:46,770
{\an8}♪ I'm cold and I am shamed
Lying naked on the floor ♪
50
00:03:46,770 --> 00:03:52,150
{\an8}♪ Illusion never changed
Into something real ♪
51
00:03:52,150 --> 00:03:57,781
{\an8}♪ I'm wide awake and I can see
The perfect sky is torn ♪
52
00:03:57,781 --> 00:04:03,328
{\an8}♪ You're a little late, I'm already torn ♪
53
00:04:13,463 --> 00:04:15,674
♪ I'm already torn ♪
54
00:04:16,550 --> 00:04:19,261
♪ I'm already torn ♪
55
00:04:19,261 --> 00:04:21,888
{\an8}♪ I'm already torn ♪
56
00:04:27,519 --> 00:04:28,812
Okay.
57
00:04:28,812 --> 00:04:32,691
{\an8}So, Bert, how we doing today?
58
00:04:32,691 --> 00:04:34,359
{\an8}I feel fantastic.
59
00:04:35,193 --> 00:04:36,945
I'm eating clean. I'm working out.
60
00:04:36,945 --> 00:04:38,321
Blood pressure's down.
61
00:04:38,822 --> 00:04:40,532
No more partying.
62
00:04:40,532 --> 00:04:43,785
I haven't called anyone in this room
the C-word in almost three months, huh?
63
00:04:44,453 --> 00:04:46,038
He's never called Tat a C-word.
64
00:04:46,038 --> 00:04:48,248
- Oh, she's never acted like a C-word.
- Thanks, Dad.
65
00:04:48,248 --> 00:04:50,292
- So Mom and I act like C-words?
66
00:04:50,292 --> 00:04:51,501
You'd be shocked.
67
00:04:51,501 --> 00:04:53,336
- Wait. Just leave it there.
- Mom! Mom?
68
00:04:53,336 --> 00:04:54,254
- Okay. Okay.
- Mom.
69
00:04:54,254 --> 00:04:55,297
- Mom.
- I'm still waiting.
70
00:04:55,297 --> 00:04:57,174
- All right!
- That's not fair.
71
00:04:57,674 --> 00:04:59,301
Bert, why are we here?
72
00:05:00,010 --> 00:05:02,637
Well, I wanted you guys to see
the progress that I've made.
73
00:05:02,637 --> 00:05:03,930
To see how far I've come.
74
00:05:03,930 --> 00:05:07,100
Personal growth isn't something
that you need to point out.
75
00:05:07,100 --> 00:05:10,145
Progress is something that your family
should be noticing on their own.
76
00:05:10,145 --> 00:05:12,814
Bro, that's why they're here,
to notice it.
77
00:05:12,814 --> 00:05:15,150
Hey, if you're not on my team,
shut the fuck up, okay?
78
00:05:15,150 --> 00:05:17,319
Okay, no.
Has Bert ever talked about his father?
79
00:05:17,319 --> 00:05:18,612
- No.
- This has absolutely
80
00:05:18,612 --> 00:05:20,489
- nothing to do with my father.
- Huh.
81
00:05:21,073 --> 00:05:23,116
I had an incident with my daughter.
82
00:05:23,116 --> 00:05:24,284
An incident.
83
00:05:24,284 --> 00:05:27,454
That was caused by my lifestyle
and my behavior.
84
00:05:28,163 --> 00:05:30,290
And I am taking actions to course-correct.
85
00:05:30,290 --> 00:05:31,625
And you should know
86
00:05:31,625 --> 00:05:34,669
that he sounds just like his father
when he talks like that.
87
00:05:34,669 --> 00:05:35,629
- Hold on.
- Yes.
88
00:05:35,629 --> 00:05:37,422
- My father doesn't understand me.
- Same.
89
00:05:37,422 --> 00:05:38,924
Not same. Not same.
90
00:05:38,924 --> 00:05:40,675
My father's always correcting me.
91
00:05:40,675 --> 00:05:42,302
- Same, same.
- Not same, same!
92
00:05:42,302 --> 00:05:44,763
Your relationship with me
is totally different
93
00:05:44,763 --> 00:05:46,181
than my relationship with Papa.
94
00:05:46,181 --> 00:05:48,725
Okay, girls, please, can you wait outside?
95
00:05:48,725 --> 00:05:50,852
Perfect. Come on, Tat.
96
00:05:51,853 --> 00:05:52,854
Deuces.
97
00:05:53,772 --> 00:05:54,940
- Ho, ho.
98
00:05:55,857 --> 00:05:57,776
- So you can see what's going on here?
- Yeah.
99
00:05:57,776 --> 00:05:59,736
- You just saw that, right?
- Yes.
100
00:06:01,321 --> 00:06:02,739
You-- Oh...
101
00:06:03,406 --> 00:06:05,325
Wait. You're talking about me?
102
00:06:05,325 --> 00:06:06,493
Oh, yes.
103
00:06:06,493 --> 00:06:07,786
Oh, fuck off.
104
00:06:07,786 --> 00:06:09,913
Fuck off? Fuck you! Fuck off!
105
00:06:09,913 --> 00:06:11,581
Oh, I didn't say it like, "Fuck off!"
106
00:06:11,581 --> 00:06:14,126
- I said, "Fuck off."
- You do not tell me "fuck off."
107
00:06:14,126 --> 00:06:15,752
It's my therapy.
I can say whatever I want, right?
108
00:06:15,752 --> 00:06:18,004
- Actually, you can't.
- No, like, you signed an oath!
109
00:06:18,004 --> 00:06:22,968
Hey! I am going to allow the two of you
to talk about his issues with his father.
110
00:06:23,593 --> 00:06:24,511
Deuces, Bert.
111
00:06:30,100 --> 00:06:31,935
You know the C-word's "cunt," right?
112
00:06:31,935 --> 00:06:32,978
Okay. Here we go.
113
00:06:32,978 --> 00:06:34,354
Okay. One last push.
114
00:06:34,354 --> 00:06:36,648
- You can get it all in. Get it all in.
115
00:06:36,648 --> 00:06:38,525
We got it. It's gonna-- Getting it in!
116
00:06:38,525 --> 00:06:40,068
15 minutes! 15...
117
00:06:40,068 --> 00:06:41,862
Hey, babe! Look who's up!
118
00:06:43,822 --> 00:06:45,448
Babe, 96 workouts in a row,
119
00:06:45,448 --> 00:06:47,868
and I still feel like
I'm sweating out toxins.
120
00:06:47,868 --> 00:06:50,203
- Still smells like your skin is pissing.
- Two more.
121
00:06:50,203 --> 00:06:53,290
One more. Nice. Ho, ho!
122
00:06:54,207 --> 00:06:55,542
- Hey.
123
00:06:56,626 --> 00:06:59,087
Do you think people are gonna
think I'm on HGH? Feel that.
124
00:06:59,087 --> 00:07:00,589
- Uh...
- Feel my tit.
125
00:07:00,589 --> 00:07:02,841
No, like full-handed.
Full-handed. Grab it.
126
00:07:02,841 --> 00:07:05,010
There you go. Nice.
127
00:07:05,010 --> 00:07:06,428
I'm making smoothies.
128
00:07:06,428 --> 00:07:08,638
Who wants smoothies?
129
00:07:09,890 --> 00:07:11,600
Mom, can you please tell him
130
00:07:11,600 --> 00:07:14,394
not to do anything embarrassing
at my party today?
131
00:07:14,394 --> 00:07:18,064
Whoa! So that's how
we're gonna start our morning?
132
00:07:18,064 --> 00:07:20,358
I haven't done anything
publicly embarrassing
133
00:07:20,358 --> 00:07:22,110
in almost three months.
134
00:07:24,154 --> 00:07:25,155
Okay.
135
00:07:25,822 --> 00:07:27,240
But don't go overboard this time.
136
00:07:27,240 --> 00:07:29,201
I just want it to be with my friends.
137
00:07:29,201 --> 00:07:30,160
What friends?
138
00:07:30,160 --> 00:07:31,661
Don-- Eas-- Le--
139
00:07:31,661 --> 00:07:33,330
- So not cool.
- Don't.
140
00:07:33,955 --> 00:07:35,999
Are those nut sacks?
141
00:07:35,999 --> 00:07:37,334
No.
142
00:07:37,334 --> 00:07:39,502
It's a pimple for Dr. Pimple Popper.
143
00:07:39,502 --> 00:07:42,047
Oh, you don't think that's a little gross?
144
00:07:42,047 --> 00:07:43,798
Uh, it's totally gross.
145
00:07:43,798 --> 00:07:45,467
That's why Sasha and I love it.
146
00:07:45,467 --> 00:07:46,927
If you think about it,
147
00:07:46,927 --> 00:07:50,180
it's kind of like a metaphor
for her exploding into womanhood.
148
00:07:53,642 --> 00:07:55,352
What is wrong with this shirt?
149
00:07:58,563 --> 00:08:00,190
Supposed to be like this?
150
00:08:04,527 --> 00:08:05,528
Hey, babe.
151
00:08:06,613 --> 00:08:08,823
If I stand like this,
does it look tucked in?
152
00:08:09,866 --> 00:08:11,326
Don't wear that shirt.
153
00:08:12,535 --> 00:08:13,370
All right.
154
00:08:14,329 --> 00:08:15,956
What are these, my dad's shirts?
155
00:08:18,375 --> 00:08:20,377
Can you please help me pick out a shirt?
156
00:08:22,337 --> 00:08:23,171
Okay.
157
00:08:23,171 --> 00:08:26,633
I think that this therapy
is making everything worse.
158
00:08:26,633 --> 00:08:28,468
I think you need to get back on-stage.
159
00:08:28,468 --> 00:08:31,012
That's definitely not happening.
160
00:08:31,012 --> 00:08:33,014
- Why?
- Sit down.
161
00:08:35,100 --> 00:08:37,060
Have you ever seen The Nutty Professor?
162
00:08:37,060 --> 00:08:39,104
- Uh, no, I have not.
- Okay.
163
00:08:39,104 --> 00:08:41,064
Eddie Murphy turns into this one guy,
164
00:08:41,064 --> 00:08:42,357
which is great at first.
165
00:08:42,357 --> 00:08:44,442
But then his family starts hating him
166
00:08:44,442 --> 00:08:46,528
and he starts hating himself.
167
00:08:47,070 --> 00:08:47,904
Uh--
168
00:08:49,406 --> 00:08:50,407
Look.
169
00:08:54,327 --> 00:08:56,413
I'm the Machine on-stage.
170
00:08:56,413 --> 00:08:58,790
I'm also the Machine off-stage.
171
00:09:00,041 --> 00:09:01,418
I got high and I got drunk,
172
00:09:01,418 --> 00:09:03,169
and I almost got our daughter arrested.
173
00:09:03,169 --> 00:09:04,713
I saw the look in her face.
174
00:09:05,797 --> 00:09:07,549
I was helpless
and I couldn't do anything,
175
00:09:07,549 --> 00:09:09,509
and I wanted to kill myself.
176
00:09:11,094 --> 00:09:13,305
I will never let that happen
to our family again.
177
00:09:17,058 --> 00:09:19,936
Well, fuck,
now I wanna watch The Nutty Professor.
178
00:09:19,936 --> 00:09:22,230
It's a pretty good movie.
I wish you had watched it.
179
00:09:22,230 --> 00:09:24,441
It's exactly
what I'm going through right now.
180
00:09:24,441 --> 00:09:28,194
Maybe for now, for today,
we keep it simple.
181
00:09:30,572 --> 00:09:32,282
- I can do simple.
- Yeah?
182
00:09:40,165 --> 00:09:41,583
There she is.
183
00:09:41,583 --> 00:09:42,917
There's my birthday girl.
184
00:09:42,917 --> 00:09:45,253
Hey, Sash, what do you think of the party?
185
00:09:45,920 --> 00:09:46,796
It's kind of big.
186
00:09:46,796 --> 00:09:48,465
Kind of big and awesome, right?
187
00:09:48,465 --> 00:09:51,051
Hey, Bert,
does the DJ have any glitchcore?
188
00:09:51,051 --> 00:09:52,177
Hey, Madison...
189
00:09:55,513 --> 00:09:56,723
I'll go check.
190
00:09:56,723 --> 00:09:58,683
- Hey. Hey.
- What's up?
191
00:09:58,683 --> 00:10:00,643
I thought you said you invited,
like, ten people.
192
00:10:00,643 --> 00:10:02,270
Oh, no. I invited a ton.
193
00:10:02,270 --> 00:10:03,897
Well, you can't risk no-shows, babe.
194
00:10:03,897 --> 00:10:05,940
And partying with six people
is fucking depressing.
195
00:10:05,940 --> 00:10:07,859
I even invited parents that hate me.
196
00:10:07,859 --> 00:10:10,111
- What's up, Madison's mom?
- Oh. Hm.
197
00:10:10,820 --> 00:10:12,655
That guy's a bitch. He is such a...
198
00:10:12,655 --> 00:10:14,240
She's going through a divorce. Be nice.
199
00:10:14,240 --> 00:10:15,367
- Seriously?
- Mm-hm.
200
00:10:15,367 --> 00:10:17,118
Hey, hey. This is a sweet 16.
201
00:10:17,118 --> 00:10:19,371
- It's a big deal.
- Yeah, for Sash.
202
00:10:19,371 --> 00:10:21,664
I think Skeletor over there
must be the DJ.
203
00:10:21,664 --> 00:10:23,166
Can you tell him where to set up?
204
00:10:23,166 --> 00:10:24,626
Yeah. Hey, Trainspotting.
205
00:10:24,626 --> 00:10:27,253
You have any glitchcore?
Wait, is that my boom box?
206
00:10:27,879 --> 00:10:28,713
Yeah.
207
00:10:29,255 --> 00:10:31,966
- Is that my auxiliary cord?
- Yeah.
208
00:10:31,966 --> 00:10:33,760
Oh, do you want my phone?
209
00:10:34,719 --> 00:10:35,720
Nah.
210
00:10:39,682 --> 00:10:40,975
Fucking disgusting.
211
00:10:40,975 --> 00:10:42,602
Hey, don't do that around the kids.
212
00:10:42,602 --> 00:10:45,814
Actually, you know what? Stay away
from the kids. We got music! I think.
213
00:10:45,814 --> 00:10:47,982
Gentlemen, what are you doing up here?
Girls are in the pool.
214
00:10:47,982 --> 00:10:49,150
They're talking about you. Jump in.
215
00:10:49,150 --> 00:10:50,902
Take your shirts off.
Don't piss in my pool.
216
00:10:50,902 --> 00:10:53,488
- Yo, Machine.
- Not today, brother. Not today.
217
00:10:53,488 --> 00:10:56,574
Ladies. Steer clear of the DJ.
Food's to the right, all right?
218
00:10:56,574 --> 00:10:57,951
Hey, Kreischer, no booze?
219
00:10:57,951 --> 00:10:59,869
Hey, Madison's mom, no husband?
220
00:10:59,869 --> 00:11:01,913
Fucking bitch.
221
00:11:01,913 --> 00:11:04,040
Oh, ho-ho-ho!
222
00:11:04,582 --> 00:11:07,001
Killing it, B-Man. Killing it.
223
00:11:10,880 --> 00:11:12,173
Hey there.
224
00:11:16,886 --> 00:11:18,138
Dad?
225
00:11:18,138 --> 00:11:19,389
In the flesh.
226
00:11:24,811 --> 00:11:27,814
I see you haven't given up
trying to learn how to barbecue.
227
00:11:27,814 --> 00:11:29,065
Good for you, son.
228
00:11:29,065 --> 00:11:31,609
Wait, what are you doing here?
229
00:11:32,360 --> 00:11:35,530
Well, I'm not gonna miss
my grandkid's sweet 16.
230
00:11:35,530 --> 00:11:36,990
It's a big day.
231
00:11:38,700 --> 00:11:40,743
Right. Right.
232
00:11:42,203 --> 00:11:43,204
Well...
233
00:11:56,050 --> 00:11:57,552
Not gonna flip 'em yet, huh?
234
00:12:00,763 --> 00:12:03,183
Might be... Eh, it's okay, it's okay.
235
00:12:03,183 --> 00:12:04,559
Really?
236
00:12:04,559 --> 00:12:07,187
Well, I just don't want you
to mess 'em up.
237
00:12:07,854 --> 00:12:09,814
You know,
then people will be disappointed.
238
00:12:09,814 --> 00:12:11,191
You'll feel bad.
239
00:12:11,191 --> 00:12:13,735
It'll be all that,
"Huh, remember Bert's barbecue?
240
00:12:13,735 --> 00:12:15,945
- Those burgers, yikes."
- Goddamn it.
241
00:12:15,945 --> 00:12:17,363
Oh, see?
242
00:12:17,363 --> 00:12:18,823
Did you add egg to the mix?
243
00:12:18,823 --> 00:12:21,826
- Okay, Dad.
- It binds. It moisturizes.
244
00:12:21,826 --> 00:12:23,369
Makes a much better burger.
245
00:12:23,369 --> 00:12:25,705
- Oh.
- My dad showed up.
246
00:12:25,705 --> 00:12:26,998
- From Florida?
- Yeah.
247
00:12:26,998 --> 00:12:29,918
And it took about two seconds before
he started making me mental with the:
248
00:12:30,835 --> 00:12:33,838
- Look at him!
- Hey, Boo Bear! Hi!
249
00:12:34,339 --> 00:12:35,632
He's a monster.
250
00:12:35,632 --> 00:12:37,050
- Oh!
- Oh.
251
00:12:37,050 --> 00:12:39,135
Okay, yeah. Breathe it out there, champ.
252
00:12:39,135 --> 00:12:40,887
- Hey, hey, Dad?
- Yes!
253
00:12:40,887 --> 00:12:43,097
Yeah, no. The dog's pooping in the pool.
254
00:12:43,097 --> 00:12:44,474
- What?
- Gross!
255
00:12:44,474 --> 00:12:45,600
Wait, how?
256
00:12:45,600 --> 00:12:48,770
You paid money
to see my son take off his shirt
257
00:12:48,770 --> 00:12:51,314
and tell his made-up story
about robbing a train in Russia?
258
00:12:51,314 --> 00:12:53,525
Dad, for the millionth time,
it's a true story.
259
00:12:53,525 --> 00:12:54,901
It's my job, okay?
260
00:12:54,901 --> 00:12:56,486
And you should get back on-stage.
261
00:12:56,486 --> 00:12:58,780
'Cause I've seen you only,
like, five times.
262
00:12:58,780 --> 00:13:01,199
You paid to see him five times?
263
00:13:02,033 --> 00:13:04,494
I'm just shocked
that people would actually do that.
264
00:13:04,494 --> 00:13:05,495
Dad.
265
00:13:05,495 --> 00:13:07,330
You don't buy carpet five times.
266
00:13:07,330 --> 00:13:11,376
- Bye, Papa.
- Oh, sweetheart.
267
00:13:11,376 --> 00:13:12,710
I'm sorry, I'm gonna go.
268
00:13:12,710 --> 00:13:14,212
Oh, don't worry about that.
269
00:13:14,212 --> 00:13:18,841
And you remember, you can call me anytime
whenever you want to talk about...
270
00:13:18,841 --> 00:13:20,051
Well, you know.
271
00:13:20,927 --> 00:13:23,346
- All right. Bye.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
272
00:13:23,346 --> 00:13:25,223
Wait, where are you going? Hold on.
273
00:13:25,223 --> 00:13:27,058
- Bye, Bert.
- Mr. Kreischer. Hey, stop!
274
00:13:27,058 --> 00:13:28,309
- What?
- Where are you going?
275
00:13:28,309 --> 00:13:30,478
Mads asked me to go to Big Bear
for, like, three days.
276
00:13:30,478 --> 00:13:33,273
You are not going anywhere.
Hey, you're 16 years old.
277
00:13:33,273 --> 00:13:36,359
You're not going to Big Bear 'cause I know
you're gonna drink beer and smoke pot.
278
00:13:36,359 --> 00:13:38,653
I'll be fine because I'm not you. Okay?
279
00:13:38,653 --> 00:13:40,822
Okay, stop. That's fair. That's fair.
280
00:13:40,822 --> 00:13:43,283
I deserve that. I deserve that. Okay?
281
00:13:43,283 --> 00:13:46,452
Hey. Look at me. Look at me. Don't go.
282
00:13:46,452 --> 00:13:47,996
We wrap up this party, me and you,
283
00:13:47,996 --> 00:13:50,123
hang out tonight,
we'll watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
284
00:13:50,832 --> 00:13:53,084
I don't even watch that show anymore, Dad.
285
00:13:53,084 --> 00:13:55,169
And I don't even know
half of these people here.
286
00:13:55,169 --> 00:13:56,504
What, are you kidding me?
287
00:13:57,005 --> 00:13:59,090
You know-- What about this guy?
You know this guy.
288
00:13:59,090 --> 00:14:00,341
- Ray Ray.
- You know Ray Ray.
289
00:14:00,341 --> 00:14:02,427
Dad, I said I wanted a small party,
290
00:14:02,427 --> 00:14:04,887
and you promised
that you wouldn't embarrass me.
291
00:14:05,555 --> 00:14:07,223
I'm just trying to be a good dad.
292
00:14:07,223 --> 00:14:08,308
See?
293
00:14:08,308 --> 00:14:10,018
It's about you.
294
00:14:10,018 --> 00:14:12,979
- It's always about you!
- What are you talking about?
295
00:14:12,979 --> 00:14:15,732
How did I make it about...?
How did you flip that?
296
00:14:15,732 --> 00:14:17,191
Don't do that! Don't leave!
297
00:14:17,191 --> 00:14:18,943
Don't you flip me off!
298
00:14:18,943 --> 00:14:20,486
Don't you get in that car!
299
00:14:20,486 --> 00:14:22,155
Don't get-- See?
300
00:14:22,155 --> 00:14:24,949
This is the C-word behavior
I was talking about in therapy!
301
00:14:24,949 --> 00:14:27,327
I'm not saying it!
I'm just pointing it out!
302
00:14:34,083 --> 00:14:36,544
It's your fat fucking fault! Asshole!
303
00:14:37,378 --> 00:14:38,630
Goddamn it.
304
00:14:46,888 --> 00:14:47,972
Son?
305
00:14:48,765 --> 00:14:49,766
Not now, Dad.
306
00:14:50,642 --> 00:14:51,517
Uh...
307
00:14:51,517 --> 00:14:53,102
We should...
308
00:14:54,354 --> 00:14:55,355
You know...
309
00:14:56,356 --> 00:14:58,900
if you're searching for a new path,
310
00:14:59,734 --> 00:15:02,779
there's always room for you
at Kreischer Karpets.
311
00:15:03,988 --> 00:15:06,491
I'm good, Dad, okay? I'm good. I promise.
312
00:15:06,491 --> 00:15:07,700
Just give me a minute.
313
00:15:08,660 --> 00:15:09,661
Well...
314
00:15:10,370 --> 00:15:14,123
I just wasn't sure, you know,
how you're making money
315
00:15:14,123 --> 00:15:18,211
if you're not doing
the whole comedy thing anymore.
316
00:15:19,045 --> 00:15:21,339
Hey, I'm a grown man.
317
00:15:21,339 --> 00:15:22,507
I'll figure it out, okay?
318
00:15:22,507 --> 00:15:24,467
Yeah, all right, all right, you know.
319
00:15:25,218 --> 00:15:26,344
Just trying to help.
320
00:15:26,344 --> 00:15:28,096
Hold on right there.
321
00:15:28,096 --> 00:15:30,807
No, you're not.
You're never trying to help, Dad.
322
00:15:30,807 --> 00:15:32,016
That's the point.
323
00:15:32,016 --> 00:15:35,103
When I got in trouble, what did you say
to me? "Oh, don't be an idiot."
324
00:15:35,103 --> 00:15:38,272
My advice to you was
don't do stupid things in public,
325
00:15:38,272 --> 00:15:40,316
- especially with the children.
- Oh, same thing!
326
00:15:40,316 --> 00:15:41,734
Which is good advice.
327
00:15:41,734 --> 00:15:43,653
And you and Sasha wouldn't be
where you were
328
00:15:43,653 --> 00:15:45,488
if you'd only listened to me.
329
00:15:45,488 --> 00:15:46,906
- Oh, my God.
330
00:15:46,906 --> 00:15:50,159
Ma'am, the party's outside. Okay?
331
00:15:50,159 --> 00:15:51,828
Are you the Machine?
332
00:15:51,828 --> 00:15:53,454
Oh, shit.
333
00:15:55,164 --> 00:15:57,125
Yeah, I am.
And I can do a picture in a second.
334
00:15:57,125 --> 00:16:00,253
I'm kind of having
a private moment with my father, okay?
335
00:16:01,921 --> 00:16:04,382
I'm here for the pocket watch
336
00:16:04,382 --> 00:16:08,219
stolen on a train in Russia 23 years ago
337
00:16:08,219 --> 00:16:09,929
by you.
338
00:16:11,222 --> 00:16:12,056
Okay.
339
00:16:12,640 --> 00:16:14,559
I'm having a shitshow day.
340
00:16:14,559 --> 00:16:17,854
So if this is some sort of TikTok prank,
I'm about to lose my fucking shit.
341
00:16:18,771 --> 00:16:21,983
It's definitely a prank.
Clearly, that's a fake gun.
342
00:16:22,692 --> 00:16:24,652
- Or not!
343
00:16:24,652 --> 00:16:26,696
- She's got a fucking gun, Dad!
- Yeah, I'm clear on that now.
344
00:16:26,696 --> 00:16:28,239
- Sit down!
- Yes, ma'am.
345
00:16:28,239 --> 00:16:32,410
- My name is Irina Ivanona Volgina.
346
00:16:32,410 --> 00:16:35,621
And I suggest you start remembering.
347
00:16:36,205 --> 00:16:38,332
It was 20 years ago.
I barely remember that trip.
348
00:16:38,332 --> 00:16:40,752
I don't have a watch,
and it's definitely not here.
349
00:16:40,752 --> 00:16:43,463
Then you're coming with me
back to Russia to find it.
350
00:16:43,463 --> 00:16:44,964
Russia?
351
00:16:44,964 --> 00:16:47,049
- Look at your daughter.
352
00:16:48,885 --> 00:16:50,803
So innocent.
353
00:16:50,803 --> 00:16:52,263
So pure.
354
00:16:52,847 --> 00:16:54,932
So vulnerable.
355
00:16:56,184 --> 00:16:57,643
Do you see that man?
356
00:16:58,394 --> 00:16:59,729
DJ Chemo?
357
00:16:59,729 --> 00:17:01,689
He will follow her on her trip.
358
00:17:02,356 --> 00:17:04,108
If you do not find my watch,
359
00:17:04,108 --> 00:17:05,568
he kills her.
360
00:17:08,237 --> 00:17:11,491
If you try to run, he kills her.
361
00:17:13,201 --> 00:17:16,287
You say a word about this to anyone...
362
00:17:18,331 --> 00:17:19,332
he kills her.
363
00:17:19,332 --> 00:17:20,917
Okay. Okay.
364
00:17:20,917 --> 00:17:23,878
I'll do whatever you want.
Just let my daughter go.
365
00:17:25,338 --> 00:17:27,507
Listen, I'll do whatever you want.
366
00:17:28,424 --> 00:17:30,968
Just don't hurt my daughter.
And let my father go, all right?
367
00:17:30,968 --> 00:17:33,387
He wasn't supposed to be here.
He wasn't even invited.
368
00:17:35,056 --> 00:17:38,142
- I'm going with you.
- Dad, you're not going with me.
369
00:17:38,142 --> 00:17:41,145
I wouldn't be able to live with myself
if you failed to protect Sasha.
370
00:17:41,145 --> 00:17:43,940
- Dad, stop! You're not going!
- He goes!
371
00:17:44,690 --> 00:17:47,318
If you need persuading in Russia,
372
00:17:47,318 --> 00:17:48,903
he might be useful.
373
00:17:50,780 --> 00:17:51,948
For torture.
374
00:17:52,657 --> 00:17:53,783
The car is waiting.
375
00:17:53,783 --> 00:17:55,326
We leave now.
376
00:17:58,579 --> 00:18:00,248
Dad, put your fucking hands down.
377
00:18:01,457 --> 00:18:03,251
Excuse me. Hey, Albert?
378
00:18:04,460 --> 00:18:06,087
Hold, hold, hold, wait up.
379
00:18:06,087 --> 00:18:09,298
Oh, my God. I haven't even seen you yet.
I'm so sorry I haven't said hi.
380
00:18:09,298 --> 00:18:10,716
- Hello.
- Hello, dear.
381
00:18:10,716 --> 00:18:12,802
- There are so many people here.
- Mm-hm.
382
00:18:12,802 --> 00:18:14,679
Hi. Oh, who is this?
383
00:18:14,679 --> 00:18:18,015
Uh... this is our, uh,
Uber driver, uh, Sylvia.
384
00:18:18,015 --> 00:18:19,267
Sylvia.
385
00:18:19,267 --> 00:18:22,770
Hi. Your Uber driver?
386
00:18:22,770 --> 00:18:23,771
Where are you going?
387
00:18:23,771 --> 00:18:25,064
- Uh...
- Um...
388
00:18:26,816 --> 00:18:27,942
Oh, my God.
389
00:18:28,526 --> 00:18:29,735
Yeah. I see what's going on.
390
00:18:29,735 --> 00:18:31,737
You two are gonna follow Sasha
to Big Bear.
391
00:18:31,737 --> 00:18:33,823
- Yes, we are.
- Exactly. Big Bear, yes.
392
00:18:33,823 --> 00:18:35,491
Cool. Great. Well, you know what?
393
00:18:35,491 --> 00:18:37,451
I'll just stay home,
take care of everything,
394
00:18:37,451 --> 00:18:41,998
and the two of you can just fuck off
on your creepy, little, puritanical--
395
00:18:48,212 --> 00:18:50,381
I love you. I'm sorry. Kiss Tats for me.
396
00:18:50,381 --> 00:18:51,465
Dad, let's go.
397
00:18:52,466 --> 00:18:53,467
Where...?
398
00:18:54,176 --> 00:18:55,803
Good work, Kreischers.
399
00:18:57,138 --> 00:19:00,474
This is my bodyguard, Sponge.
400
00:19:00,474 --> 00:19:02,643
Sponge, like you absorb liquids?
401
00:19:02,643 --> 00:19:05,521
Absorb bullets.
402
00:19:26,459 --> 00:19:28,461
Two? You said one.
403
00:19:29,462 --> 00:19:31,464
Still think I made the story up?
404
00:19:31,881 --> 00:19:34,383
You cannot bring both.
405
00:19:34,383 --> 00:19:35,801
Too many questions!
406
00:19:36,719 --> 00:19:38,304
Oh, fuck!
407
00:19:38,930 --> 00:19:41,807
Never tell me what I can do. Ever!
408
00:19:45,436 --> 00:19:46,479
Move it.
409
00:19:56,447 --> 00:20:00,493
They said Machine had ice in veins.
410
00:20:00,493 --> 00:20:02,828
Could walk through the walls.
411
00:20:02,828 --> 00:20:05,706
Drink more than any man.
412
00:20:07,166 --> 00:20:09,001
I grew up hearing this myth.
413
00:20:10,503 --> 00:20:11,587
You.
414
00:20:16,258 --> 00:20:17,635
You're fat.
415
00:20:18,761 --> 00:20:20,596
And you have tits.
416
00:20:20,596 --> 00:20:22,515
Very disturbing.
417
00:20:22,515 --> 00:20:25,518
That's body-shaming. And honestly,
I expect more empathy out of a woman.
418
00:20:25,518 --> 00:20:27,019
Such a disappointment.
419
00:20:27,019 --> 00:20:30,731
Like opening peanuts
and joke snake pop out.
420
00:20:30,731 --> 00:20:32,358
Enjoy your flight, Machine.
421
00:20:32,358 --> 00:20:34,360
It will probably be your last.
422
00:21:12,106 --> 00:21:15,151
All right. When we land,
I'm gonna create a diversion.
423
00:21:15,151 --> 00:21:17,445
What I want you to do
is go to the embassy.
424
00:21:17,445 --> 00:21:18,362
Dad.
425
00:21:18,362 --> 00:21:21,323
Now, these people really know
what they're doing around the grill.
426
00:21:21,323 --> 00:21:23,325
How can you eat at a time like this?
427
00:21:23,325 --> 00:21:27,246
Son, I'm a small-business owner
from a "stand your ground" state.
428
00:21:27,246 --> 00:21:28,748
This is like a Tuesday for me.
429
00:21:28,748 --> 00:21:31,500
Machina, the myth.
430
00:21:31,500 --> 00:21:34,170
Your turn, huh?
431
00:21:34,170 --> 00:21:36,964
No, no. I wish I could.
I just got a crown replaced.
432
00:21:36,964 --> 00:21:38,924
- Oh, Machina.
433
00:21:38,924 --> 00:21:41,343
But I have an uneven jaw,
and it took them forever to...
434
00:21:41,343 --> 00:21:43,012
- Hey, Bert.
- What?
435
00:21:43,012 --> 00:21:46,015
You want to know
why people respect Kreischer Karpets?
436
00:21:46,015 --> 00:21:48,225
Well, it's definitely
not 'cause you spelled "carpets" with a K.
437
00:21:48,225 --> 00:21:49,727
No, that's just good marketing.
438
00:21:49,727 --> 00:21:54,106
It's because we install anywhere.
439
00:21:54,106 --> 00:21:56,567
- We never show fear.
440
00:21:56,567 --> 00:21:58,069
We face it.
441
00:21:58,069 --> 00:22:02,740
So, Bert, don't show fear.
442
00:22:03,908 --> 00:22:04,909
Wow.
443
00:22:06,994 --> 00:22:08,913
You really shoehorned that message in.
444
00:22:09,580 --> 00:22:12,166
All right, Sponge, I guess I got next.
445
00:22:12,166 --> 00:22:14,418
- Oh!
446
00:22:14,418 --> 00:22:15,878
Machina,
447
00:22:16,504 --> 00:22:19,548
all I have heard about you,
and you have titty, huh?
448
00:22:21,050 --> 00:22:22,802
You're such a large man.
449
00:22:24,095 --> 00:22:25,763
You're so fucking big.
450
00:22:26,889 --> 00:22:28,432
Let's hope this works.
451
00:22:29,600 --> 00:22:34,939
I'm gonna show you
what we in the States call "dad strength."
452
00:22:42,988 --> 00:22:44,073
Funny!
453
00:22:44,073 --> 00:22:45,282
Now...
454
00:22:46,367 --> 00:22:47,868
my turn, huh?
455
00:23:05,427 --> 00:23:08,681
Well, you showed fear.
456
00:23:12,601 --> 00:23:16,647
Son, I think this trip to Russia
could give you some... direction.
457
00:23:17,148 --> 00:23:19,817
Look, I had this with me in Rome.
458
00:23:19,817 --> 00:23:21,652
Saved me more than a few times.
459
00:23:22,236 --> 00:23:23,487
You take care of it...
460
00:23:24,738 --> 00:23:26,198
it will take care of you.
461
00:23:28,909 --> 00:23:30,953
- Your pocketknife?
- Mm-hm.
462
00:23:30,953 --> 00:23:32,246
Ah, thanks, Dad.
463
00:23:33,330 --> 00:23:36,667
We hope our sons grow up to be
the men we wish we could be, Bert.
464
00:23:37,751 --> 00:23:40,087
Maybe this trip
can start you on that path.
465
00:23:40,087 --> 00:23:41,338
And also...
466
00:23:42,965 --> 00:23:45,426
if you lose that knife in Russia,
467
00:23:46,177 --> 00:23:48,637
I will disown you.
468
00:23:48,637 --> 00:23:50,639
Ah, funny story.
469
00:23:52,808 --> 00:23:56,103
I did lose your knife in Russia.
470
00:23:56,103 --> 00:23:57,605
Dad, I'm sorry.
471
00:23:58,689 --> 00:24:00,191
I knew you'd let me down.
472
00:24:01,734 --> 00:24:02,651
You did?
473
00:24:06,155 --> 00:24:07,823
Got your manhood!
474
00:24:07,823 --> 00:24:09,408
Oh, you took my testicles!
475
00:24:15,164 --> 00:24:16,707
- Hey there.
- While you were out,
476
00:24:16,707 --> 00:24:19,126
- your father and I got to know each other.
- Wait.
477
00:24:19,126 --> 00:24:21,962
Also, we watched
Butch Cassidy and Sundance Kid.
478
00:24:21,962 --> 00:24:23,297
The ending? Wow.
479
00:24:23,297 --> 00:24:25,299
Dad, that's our movie.
480
00:24:25,299 --> 00:24:27,968
Bert, we have to find this watch.
481
00:24:27,968 --> 00:24:29,595
You stole it. What'd you do with it?
482
00:24:29,595 --> 00:24:32,640
Jesus Christ. It's the top five drunkest
I've ever been in my life.
483
00:24:32,640 --> 00:24:34,808
I'm usually drunk when I tell the story.
484
00:24:34,808 --> 00:24:38,062
- Okay. Okay. Hold on, hold on.
485
00:24:38,062 --> 00:24:41,523
Give me a sec. Let me think. Let me think.
God. I'm not good with guns at my head.
486
00:24:44,693 --> 00:24:46,570
Fedor. What about Fedor?
487
00:24:46,570 --> 00:24:49,573
He was the gangster on the train.
Everything we stole, we gave to him.
488
00:24:49,573 --> 00:24:51,867
Yeah, I talked to Fedor.
489
00:24:51,867 --> 00:24:53,619
He doesn't remember the watch.
490
00:24:53,619 --> 00:24:55,079
So I killed him.
491
00:24:56,205 --> 00:24:57,414
Jesus Christ.
492
00:24:59,208 --> 00:25:00,292
Igor.
493
00:25:02,503 --> 00:25:03,504
Which Igor?
494
00:25:03,504 --> 00:25:05,172
I know like 50 Igors.
495
00:25:05,172 --> 00:25:08,842
Uh, Igor was the mobster
that took care of our class.
496
00:25:08,842 --> 00:25:10,552
He lived with us in the dorms.
497
00:25:10,552 --> 00:25:12,346
Maybe he still lives in the dorms.
498
00:25:12,346 --> 00:25:14,765
Fuck school. Let's party.
499
00:25:16,058 --> 00:25:16,892
Hm.
500
00:25:18,352 --> 00:25:20,145
Then this is where we go.
501
00:25:24,900 --> 00:25:28,988
Can't believe you watched
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. Fuck.
502
00:25:29,905 --> 00:25:31,699
ST. PETERSBERG
503
00:25:45,087 --> 00:25:47,298
Follow my lead.
If we get a chance, we run.
504
00:25:47,298 --> 00:25:48,674
Is there a problem?
505
00:25:48,674 --> 00:25:53,554
Your documents indicate
11 passengers, but I count 12.
506
00:25:54,555 --> 00:25:55,597
I told you so.
507
00:25:58,225 --> 00:26:00,894
Dad. Dad. Dad. Dad. Dad. Dad.
508
00:26:00,894 --> 00:26:02,396
Oh, my God. Oh!
509
00:26:03,480 --> 00:26:05,441
He's going down. He's going down.
510
00:26:06,650 --> 00:26:07,651
I count 11.
511
00:26:07,651 --> 00:26:08,736
Jeez Louise!
512
00:26:17,369 --> 00:26:18,454
Wait.
513
00:26:19,204 --> 00:26:20,998
That's me. I'm the Machine.
514
00:26:20,998 --> 00:26:22,833
{\an8}Why am I on a billboard?
515
00:26:22,833 --> 00:26:25,085
{\an8} Da. You famous.
516
00:26:25,085 --> 00:26:27,963
I'm hot folklore in the Soviet Union.
517
00:26:27,963 --> 00:26:30,591
The Soviet Union is dead,
you ignorant fuck!
518
00:26:31,508 --> 00:26:34,094
We're Russia. We're strong.
519
00:26:34,094 --> 00:26:35,095
We're here.
520
00:26:37,514 --> 00:26:39,516
They turned it into condos.
521
00:26:41,477 --> 00:26:42,770
Oh, hello there.
522
00:26:43,187 --> 00:26:44,021
Ha!
523
00:26:44,438 --> 00:26:47,066
Hey, Dad, this isn't Orlando.
Quit trying to work a threesome.
524
00:26:47,066 --> 00:26:48,734
Put it back in your pants.
525
00:26:48,734 --> 00:26:50,819
Well, that was rude.
526
00:26:50,819 --> 00:26:52,154
Move.
527
00:26:52,154 --> 00:26:53,947
Hey, here's where we took classes.
528
00:26:55,074 --> 00:26:56,325
This is where I met Igor.
529
00:26:59,078 --> 00:27:01,705
Wow. Twenty-three years ago.
530
00:27:02,206 --> 00:27:04,249
I should've taken more pictures
of my dick.
531
00:27:04,249 --> 00:27:09,671
♪ I don't practice Santeria
I ain't got no crystal ball ♪
532
00:27:09,671 --> 00:27:15,386
♪ Well, I had a million dollars
But I'd, I'd spend it all ♪
533
00:27:15,386 --> 00:27:20,599
♪ If I could find that jaina
And that sancho that she's found ♪
534
00:27:20,599 --> 00:27:23,769
♪ Well, I'd pop a cap in sancho
And I'd slap her down... ♪
535
00:27:23,769 --> 00:27:25,187
THE DORMS
536
00:27:25,187 --> 00:27:26,980
Okay, class, listen up.
537
00:27:27,689 --> 00:27:30,526
Do not expect an easy course load.
538
00:27:30,526 --> 00:27:31,944
It isn't a vacation.
539
00:27:31,944 --> 00:27:36,115
Your goal is to culturally bond
with the indigenous citizens.
540
00:27:36,782 --> 00:27:40,702
This is Igor. He is a banditti.
You will be taking courses...
541
00:27:40,702 --> 00:27:43,539
I actually don't speak much Russian.
What is "banditti"?
542
00:27:43,539 --> 00:27:46,959
Oh, um, "banditti"
is the Russian word for mobster.
543
00:27:47,543 --> 00:27:50,421
This is a class trip.
How come we've never met?
544
00:27:50,421 --> 00:27:53,173
Oh, I don't go to class much. I'm Bert.
545
00:27:53,173 --> 00:27:54,925
Oh, Ashley.
546
00:27:54,925 --> 00:27:57,094
But Russia is a dangerous place.
547
00:27:57,094 --> 00:27:58,762
Igor is our fixer.
548
00:27:58,762 --> 00:28:01,515
He is only here for your protection.
549
00:28:02,349 --> 00:28:03,642
He is very dangerous.
550
00:28:03,642 --> 00:28:04,560
Oh!
551
00:28:07,813 --> 00:28:10,858
You are not to talk to
or hang out with him.
552
00:28:10,858 --> 00:28:13,068
All I want to do is hang out with him.
553
00:28:13,068 --> 00:28:16,280
I never know what to believe
about what you say happened back then.
554
00:28:16,280 --> 00:28:19,199
You do have a very active imagination.
555
00:28:19,199 --> 00:28:20,868
I imagine.
556
00:28:20,868 --> 00:28:23,996
- That's my issue.
- Well, one of them.
557
00:28:23,996 --> 00:28:27,124
My father and I
have a similar relationship.
558
00:28:27,124 --> 00:28:29,710
What the fuck is this thing?
Is it an iPad?
559
00:28:30,419 --> 00:28:31,837
I got this, son.
560
00:28:31,837 --> 00:28:34,006
I am an Eagle Scout.
561
00:28:35,257 --> 00:28:36,675
What is an Eagle Scout?
562
00:28:36,675 --> 00:28:38,385
It's like if James Bond was a Mormon.
563
00:28:38,385 --> 00:28:40,637
An Eagle Scout can get in anywhere.
564
00:28:40,637 --> 00:28:42,890
You'd know that
if you'd become an Eagle Scout.
565
00:28:42,890 --> 00:28:45,100
But no...
566
00:28:48,562 --> 00:28:50,397
My fist is Eagle Scout.
567
00:28:52,232 --> 00:28:53,567
I'll wait in the car.
568
00:28:55,068 --> 00:28:56,987
He has impulse-control issue.
569
00:28:56,987 --> 00:28:57,905
Very sad.
570
00:28:57,905 --> 00:28:59,490
Yeah. Steroids will do that to you.
571
00:28:59,490 --> 00:29:02,534
{\an8}- They really dressed this place up.
572
00:29:03,535 --> 00:29:05,829
Still have the world's smallest elevator.
573
00:29:11,251 --> 00:29:13,795
Tell Vanya they are here.
574
00:29:16,173 --> 00:29:17,758
Holy shit.
575
00:29:18,425 --> 00:29:21,345
There was a woman that sat right there.
576
00:29:21,345 --> 00:29:24,014
She absolutely loved me.
577
00:29:24,014 --> 00:29:26,642
Igor's room was all the way down
to the right.
578
00:29:27,476 --> 00:29:29,561
I took a shit on a pizza box right there.
579
00:29:29,561 --> 00:29:31,480
Jesus, son.
580
00:29:31,480 --> 00:29:33,482
Eh, it got mixed reviews.
581
00:29:34,483 --> 00:29:37,402
Honestly,
if I hadn't sprained that finger,
582
00:29:37,402 --> 00:29:39,196
probably would've made it to the league.
583
00:29:39,196 --> 00:29:41,365
But, you know,
I wasn't about to lose a thumb war
584
00:29:41,365 --> 00:29:43,200
to a 12-year-old, you know?
585
00:29:43,700 --> 00:29:45,077
Here you go, dabushka.
586
00:29:45,077 --> 00:29:47,079
Gifts from your American friend.
587
00:29:47,079 --> 00:29:48,664
- Ah.
588
00:29:48,664 --> 00:29:51,458
Gifts are a very important aspect
of Russian life, Ash.
589
00:29:51,458 --> 00:29:53,544
- Bet you didn't know that.
- Mm.
590
00:29:53,544 --> 00:29:55,546
Bet you didn't know your fly was down.
591
00:29:57,881 --> 00:30:00,008
Why are you telling us this?
592
00:30:00,008 --> 00:30:01,093
Sorry.
593
00:30:01,093 --> 00:30:02,803
Lot of memories being back here.
594
00:30:06,557 --> 00:30:09,726
Whoa, you live right across
from Igor and the banditti?
595
00:30:09,726 --> 00:30:12,104
Do you ever hear, like,
screams coming from their room?
596
00:30:12,104 --> 00:30:13,230
No, not really.
597
00:30:14,314 --> 00:30:15,315
Look at them.
598
00:30:15,857 --> 00:30:17,609
They're magnificent.
599
00:30:17,609 --> 00:30:20,153
How do I talk to them?
How do I say my name?
600
00:30:23,407 --> 00:30:24,783
I planned the perfect sentence.
601
00:30:27,035 --> 00:30:30,330
But the second I was face-to-face
with a real Russian gangster,
602
00:30:30,330 --> 00:30:31,540
I panicked.
603
00:30:32,291 --> 00:30:33,542
Ya machina.
604
00:30:39,673 --> 00:30:41,174
Ya machina.
605
00:30:41,800 --> 00:30:43,802
"Muchina" means badass.
606
00:30:43,802 --> 00:30:45,762
"Machina" means machine.
607
00:30:45,762 --> 00:30:47,472
I said I was the Machine.
608
00:30:47,472 --> 00:30:49,016
You're an idiot.
609
00:30:50,225 --> 00:30:51,727
Ya machina.
610
00:30:53,186 --> 00:30:55,188
- Luckily...
611
00:30:55,188 --> 00:30:56,565
they thought it was hilarious.
612
00:30:56,565 --> 00:30:58,191
On machina!
613
00:30:59,610 --> 00:31:02,529
They introduced me to their world,
and I introduced them to mine.
614
00:31:02,529 --> 00:31:05,157
Vodka, lemon, two teaspoons of sugar.
615
00:31:05,157 --> 00:31:07,701
- These are called lemon drops.
- They're called lemon drops.
616
00:31:07,701 --> 00:31:12,039
Okay, they're from Florida,
and they're fucking delicious!
617
00:31:12,039 --> 00:31:15,042
The Machine is powered by lemons!
618
00:31:15,042 --> 00:31:18,253
And the legend of the Machine was born.
619
00:31:22,549 --> 00:31:23,925
All right, all right, all right.
620
00:31:23,925 --> 00:31:27,304
This next one's a little thing
I like to call Beavis and Butt-Head.
621
00:31:29,139 --> 00:31:30,515
His head is a butt!
622
00:31:30,515 --> 00:31:33,185
They had no frame of reference
for American culture.
623
00:31:33,185 --> 00:31:35,979
Do I make you horny?
624
00:31:35,979 --> 00:31:38,231
Austin Powers? Really?
625
00:31:38,231 --> 00:31:39,358
Shut up, Dad.
626
00:31:40,233 --> 00:31:42,986
So I stole from the best,
and they thought it was me.
627
00:31:44,488 --> 00:31:47,824
To them, I was just some crazy genius
who could out-drink 'em all.
628
00:31:47,824 --> 00:31:50,410
- I'm the Machine!
629
00:31:56,291 --> 00:31:58,335
I call this the "Macarena."
630
00:32:00,879 --> 00:32:02,172
Word spread fast.
631
00:32:02,172 --> 00:32:05,175
And the legend of the Machine
just kept growing.
632
00:32:09,513 --> 00:32:12,099
Everyone in Russia heard the stories.
633
00:32:12,099 --> 00:32:14,184
You were folklore.
634
00:32:14,184 --> 00:32:16,019
-I was good for Igor's business.
635
00:32:16,019 --> 00:32:17,479
People paid him to party with me.
636
00:32:17,479 --> 00:32:18,939
Wait! The stash hole!
637
00:32:19,606 --> 00:32:22,275
Igor's room has a stash hole in it,
in the wall.
638
00:32:22,275 --> 00:32:24,861
And what does he keep in this hole?
639
00:32:24,861 --> 00:32:26,196
Beanie Babies.
640
00:32:26,697 --> 00:32:28,782
Come on. Drugs, money and porn.
You're in the mob.
641
00:32:28,782 --> 00:32:31,576
But maybe there's something in there
that can tell us how to find him.
642
00:32:31,576 --> 00:32:32,994
It's this one right here.
643
00:32:32,994 --> 00:32:36,164
I hope so, for your daughter's sake.
644
00:32:40,460 --> 00:32:41,336
Oi!
645
00:32:41,336 --> 00:32:45,674
- That's feminism. You asked for it.
- Fuck you! Pussy woman-boy!
646
00:32:45,674 --> 00:32:47,884
Well, I see wokeness
hasn't made its way to Russia.
647
00:33:03,734 --> 00:33:06,278
- The hole?
- Yeah, right.
648
00:33:06,945 --> 00:33:07,946
All right.
649
00:33:08,613 --> 00:33:10,907
That wall used to go all the way down.
650
00:33:11,533 --> 00:33:12,909
If I'm not mistaken...
651
00:33:16,496 --> 00:33:17,497
Ah!
652
00:33:17,497 --> 00:33:18,457
Bingo.
653
00:33:23,712 --> 00:33:25,505
No watch.
654
00:33:25,505 --> 00:33:27,257
This is something way better.
655
00:33:27,257 --> 00:33:28,925
One of Ash's pot brownies, Dad.
656
00:33:28,925 --> 00:33:31,178
These things were gold back in the day.
657
00:33:31,178 --> 00:33:34,890
Why would anyone keep
20-year-old marijuana brownies?
658
00:33:34,890 --> 00:33:38,268
Ashley's pot brownies
are the best thing I've ever tasted.
659
00:33:38,268 --> 00:33:40,604
They're mad strong, though,
so only eat a little.
660
00:33:42,439 --> 00:33:45,400
- Don't fuck.
661
00:33:45,400 --> 00:33:47,277
You're fucking with me, man.
662
00:33:47,903 --> 00:33:49,488
Go fuck yourself.
663
00:33:51,448 --> 00:33:53,200
Hey, how'd you become a banditti?
664
00:33:54,493 --> 00:33:55,494
One day,
665
00:33:56,995 --> 00:33:58,246
man told me,
666
00:33:58,246 --> 00:34:01,583
"Igor, help me with this thing."
667
00:34:03,543 --> 00:34:04,669
Thing was mafia.
668
00:34:04,669 --> 00:34:06,922
'Cause if I get hungry, I get hangry,
and everybody knows
669
00:34:06,922 --> 00:34:09,466
marijuana goes bad after time.
It's like the reverse of pickles.
670
00:34:09,466 --> 00:34:12,302
So no Igor, no watch.
671
00:34:12,302 --> 00:34:15,263
Just old money and pickle weed.
672
00:34:15,889 --> 00:34:17,974
This is not good for you, Bert.
673
00:34:17,974 --> 00:34:20,560
- Fuck you.
674
00:34:20,560 --> 00:34:21,853
Vanya.
675
00:34:21,853 --> 00:34:23,605
It's not good for you either.
676
00:34:23,605 --> 00:34:25,357
VANYA
677
00:34:25,357 --> 00:34:27,317
What are you doing here?
678
00:34:29,903 --> 00:34:31,571
He is Machina?
679
00:34:31,571 --> 00:34:32,697
The man's man?
680
00:34:32,697 --> 00:34:34,241
Nah.
681
00:34:34,241 --> 00:34:37,160
He has, uh... breasts.
682
00:34:43,917 --> 00:34:46,211
Your friend, Igor,
683
00:34:47,003 --> 00:34:49,589
he took over the trains to Moscow.
684
00:34:50,173 --> 00:34:52,551
And now I know where to find the watch.
685
00:34:52,551 --> 00:34:54,427
How do you know Igor runs trains?
686
00:34:54,427 --> 00:34:55,637
Because...
687
00:34:56,596 --> 00:34:58,014
I am respected.
688
00:35:01,059 --> 00:35:03,645
I make it my job to know these things.
689
00:35:03,645 --> 00:35:04,729
You?
690
00:35:07,315 --> 00:35:08,859
You are foolish woman.
691
00:35:09,568 --> 00:35:11,403
Playing pretend.
692
00:35:18,535 --> 00:35:19,870
I do not play.
693
00:35:24,916 --> 00:35:26,418
- Oh!
694
00:35:27,794 --> 00:35:29,796
Holy cow!
695
00:35:33,425 --> 00:35:35,093
You're an insolent child, Vanya.
696
00:35:35,093 --> 00:35:38,430
Now you come with me on train
or you go out window.
697
00:35:39,514 --> 00:35:42,142
- All right, let's go, Dad. Come on.
- Yeah, let's go. Let's go.
698
00:35:43,351 --> 00:35:44,352
See you around.
699
00:35:47,647 --> 00:35:48,982
Put your hands down.
700
00:35:51,776 --> 00:35:53,737
Well, this is wonderful.
701
00:35:53,737 --> 00:35:55,739
We're about to be killed by gangsters.
702
00:35:55,739 --> 00:35:57,866
And you're pocketing ancient pot brownies.
703
00:35:57,866 --> 00:36:00,869
You say shit like that and you wonder
why we haven't visited in three years.
704
00:36:00,869 --> 00:36:02,078
- So now it's my fault?
- Yeah.
705
00:36:02,078 --> 00:36:03,955
I don't want to be around that shit,
and neither do my kids.
706
00:36:03,955 --> 00:36:05,999
Your kids are great.
Don't bring them into this.
707
00:36:05,999 --> 00:36:08,877
Oh, I know they're great, Dad.
They're my kids.
708
00:36:08,877 --> 00:36:12,297
You know, your problem is
you live this life where you get rewarded
709
00:36:12,297 --> 00:36:15,342
for indulging in your worst tendencies.
710
00:36:27,729 --> 00:36:29,314
Let's hope that was an adjustment.
711
00:36:30,732 --> 00:36:32,108
Meet you downstairs.
712
00:36:54,089 --> 00:36:56,299
Well, we should be safe in here.
713
00:37:15,527 --> 00:37:16,403
I got you, son!
714
00:37:16,403 --> 00:37:17,862
No, I got you! I'm covering you!
715
00:37:17,862 --> 00:37:19,614
- Everything's under control!
- No!
716
00:37:44,848 --> 00:37:46,391
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
717
00:37:46,391 --> 00:37:47,600
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
718
00:38:03,199 --> 00:38:05,368
- Lift!
- No! No, no! Close, close!
719
00:38:05,368 --> 00:38:07,787
- Close the door!
- Shoot back, idiots!
720
00:38:13,543 --> 00:38:16,671
I will present the boss
with your head, Machina!
721
00:38:16,671 --> 00:38:17,756
Dad.
722
00:38:17,756 --> 00:38:19,924
I can't use that.
723
00:38:19,924 --> 00:38:22,510
After I read Mandela's biography,
724
00:38:22,510 --> 00:38:25,972
I made a vow of nonviolence.
725
00:38:25,972 --> 00:38:27,515
You are dead!
726
00:38:27,515 --> 00:38:28,725
Dead!
727
00:38:28,725 --> 00:38:30,935
Fine. I'm just gonna shoot him in the leg.
728
00:38:58,171 --> 00:38:59,506
Let's go, dickheads!
729
00:39:06,262 --> 00:39:07,806
Goddamn it. Let go.
730
00:39:07,806 --> 00:39:09,974
No! I'm glad you're alive! Let go of me!
731
00:39:09,974 --> 00:39:12,185
- Get in the car, son.
- I'm trying, Dad!
732
00:39:26,574 --> 00:39:27,742
Sponge!
733
00:39:28,409 --> 00:39:30,161
What happened to the fucking car?
734
00:39:30,745 --> 00:39:32,080
So bad. This is not going away.
735
00:39:32,080 --> 00:39:33,414
We need to get on that train!
736
00:39:34,207 --> 00:39:35,625
I'm gonna meet the devil.
737
00:39:35,625 --> 00:39:37,293
I'm going to fucking hell.
738
00:39:37,293 --> 00:39:38,795
- Oh, shit.
- I'm at my lake house.
739
00:39:38,795 --> 00:39:40,630
- Goddamn it.
- The fish are jumping.
740
00:39:40,630 --> 00:39:44,467
- I'm having mac and cheese for dinner.
- Are you doing breathing exercises?
741
00:39:44,467 --> 00:39:46,594
You can't do breathing exercises
for murder, Dad.
742
00:39:46,594 --> 00:39:47,971
I killed a man.
743
00:39:47,971 --> 00:39:50,849
Well, technically, you killed several men.
744
00:39:50,849 --> 00:39:52,475
Oh, God! You're not helping!
745
00:39:52,475 --> 00:39:53,935
- Hey.
- What?
746
00:39:55,019 --> 00:39:56,146
It happens.
747
00:39:56,146 --> 00:39:58,148
I'm not gonna start smoking cigarettes.
748
00:39:58,148 --> 00:40:01,067
No, it doesn't happen.
A speeding ticket, that happens.
749
00:40:01,067 --> 00:40:03,778
Shitting your pants at Best Buy,
that happens.
750
00:40:04,571 --> 00:40:06,489
My brother Vanya was an asshole.
751
00:40:06,489 --> 00:40:08,241
Oh!
752
00:40:08,241 --> 00:40:10,243
Brother? Like your real brother?
753
00:40:10,243 --> 00:40:12,287
Like your mom and dad
are the same mom and dad?
754
00:40:12,287 --> 00:40:13,454
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
755
00:40:13,454 --> 00:40:15,623
- I didn't know he was your brother.
- Don't be.
756
00:40:15,623 --> 00:40:17,709
There is a power struggle in the mob.
757
00:40:17,709 --> 00:40:20,420
As oldest,
I will inherit my father's empire,
758
00:40:20,420 --> 00:40:22,463
but Vanya wants control.
759
00:40:22,463 --> 00:40:24,007
Wanted control.
760
00:40:24,883 --> 00:40:27,135
- He's dead.
- Oh, my God.
761
00:40:27,135 --> 00:40:28,845
I'm still getting used to it.
762
00:40:28,845 --> 00:40:32,640
What the fuck is happening?
Get me the fuck out of here.
763
00:40:32,640 --> 00:40:35,059
Many others also want control.
764
00:40:35,059 --> 00:40:37,020
They say I cannot run mob
because I'm woman.
765
00:40:37,020 --> 00:40:38,146
This isn't happening.
766
00:40:38,146 --> 00:40:39,063
Boss.
767
00:40:41,733 --> 00:40:42,817
Dad.
768
00:40:44,444 --> 00:40:46,779
Give me some life advice,
some words of wisdom.
769
00:40:48,489 --> 00:40:50,116
Everybody's got to die sometime.
770
00:40:50,783 --> 00:40:51,784
That's it?
771
00:40:52,410 --> 00:40:53,661
That's your advice?
772
00:40:53,661 --> 00:40:55,955
Well, what do you want me to say?
773
00:40:55,955 --> 00:40:58,541
That vulnerability is scary
and it's hard to open up?
774
00:40:58,541 --> 00:41:00,877
Yeah, Dad. That would've been great.
775
00:41:00,877 --> 00:41:02,128
Son.
776
00:41:02,128 --> 00:41:04,589
It was your mother
that was the coddler, not me.
777
00:41:11,054 --> 00:41:13,181
Jesus. We got it, Sasquatch.
778
00:41:25,443 --> 00:41:26,611
Igor. Igor.
779
00:41:28,029 --> 00:41:29,197
I'm coming. I'm coming.
780
00:41:34,077 --> 00:41:34,911
Hey.
781
00:41:38,790 --> 00:41:41,334
My brother would have shot me
if he had a chance.
782
00:41:43,503 --> 00:41:46,297
Thank you for making his death very fast.
783
00:41:48,007 --> 00:41:50,134
Well, then, can I real quick
call my daughter,
784
00:41:50,134 --> 00:41:52,011
just to make sure she's okay?
785
00:41:52,011 --> 00:41:53,054
Don't push it.
786
00:42:08,569 --> 00:42:11,656
Now, this is the kind
of Russian architecture I wanted to see.
787
00:42:11,656 --> 00:42:13,616
We're not on a sightseeing tour, Dad.
788
00:42:14,951 --> 00:42:17,161
Hey, Irina,
I think this is gonna be great.
789
00:42:17,161 --> 00:42:20,039
We'll find Igor, we'll get your watch,
and then you can let us go, right?
790
00:42:20,748 --> 00:42:22,041
Holy cow.
791
00:42:22,041 --> 00:42:24,168
This place hasn't changed a bit.
792
00:42:26,379 --> 00:42:28,047
Oh. Right there.
793
00:42:28,047 --> 00:42:30,383
That's where Igor introduced me
to the train banditti.
794
00:42:31,092 --> 00:42:33,636
I cannot go on your student trip
to Moscow.
795
00:42:33,636 --> 00:42:34,595
- What?
- Yeah.
796
00:42:34,595 --> 00:42:36,806
Different mafia runs train.
797
00:42:36,806 --> 00:42:38,516
Igor, what am I supposed to do here?
798
00:42:39,559 --> 00:42:40,977
What you always do.
799
00:42:41,519 --> 00:42:42,979
This is Machine!
800
00:42:43,771 --> 00:42:47,066
If you give Machine vodka,
you have great time.
801
00:42:48,276 --> 00:42:50,403
Come on, show them your character.
802
00:42:50,403 --> 00:42:52,322
British horny man. Come on.
803
00:42:53,906 --> 00:42:56,576
Do I make you horny, baby?
804
00:42:58,995 --> 00:43:01,956
- Do I make you randy? Yeah.
- It's classic.
805
00:43:01,956 --> 00:43:04,709
You really like Austin Powers.
806
00:43:04,709 --> 00:43:07,378
Yeah. It was really big in the late '90s.
Give me a break, okay?
807
00:43:07,378 --> 00:43:08,755
I get it.
808
00:43:09,797 --> 00:43:11,424
I get why they liked you.
809
00:43:11,424 --> 00:43:12,550
Wow, thanks, Dad.
810
00:43:12,550 --> 00:43:15,970
Your toxic masculinity was lighthearted
and progressive to them.
811
00:43:15,970 --> 00:43:18,556
Yeah, well, your compliment sounds
a little bit like a slam.
812
00:43:18,556 --> 00:43:21,768
- Quiet, fucked-up father-son.
- Boss.
813
00:43:23,978 --> 00:43:25,772
This is the Moscow line.
814
00:43:26,689 --> 00:43:29,942
If Igor runs trains,
this is where he will be.
815
00:43:30,693 --> 00:43:32,403
Be careful.
816
00:43:32,403 --> 00:43:34,280
Train mob is very dangerous.
817
00:43:34,280 --> 00:43:36,115
Don't worry. Igor's my boy.
818
00:43:36,115 --> 00:43:37,700
If he's here, we're all set.
819
00:43:37,700 --> 00:43:40,203
Yes, but he knows you.
820
00:43:40,203 --> 00:43:41,579
They don't.
821
00:43:41,579 --> 00:43:44,624
They look like they're cosplaying
American History X.
822
00:43:44,624 --> 00:43:46,501
Let's go down further.
823
00:43:46,501 --> 00:43:47,877
Less eyes.
824
00:44:02,392 --> 00:44:03,393
Hello.
825
00:44:03,893 --> 00:44:06,145
You cannot park there.
826
00:44:11,067 --> 00:44:12,777
Bring me to Igor.
827
00:44:12,777 --> 00:44:14,404
Yes, sir.
828
00:44:17,281 --> 00:44:19,617
Doesn't that sound
mean the train's departing?
829
00:44:19,617 --> 00:44:21,869
- Get on!
- Wait, what's the plan? What are we doing?
830
00:44:21,869 --> 00:44:24,288
We stay on train till we find Igor.
831
00:44:24,288 --> 00:44:27,291
Get the plane, meet me in Moscow
with the rest of the men.
832
00:44:28,584 --> 00:44:31,421
I cannot believe
I'm doing this Moscow trip over again.
833
00:44:31,421 --> 00:44:32,880
- Move.
- Wow.
834
00:44:32,880 --> 00:44:35,675
This train smells exactly
like it did in '98.
835
00:44:36,843 --> 00:44:38,845
THE TRAIN
836
00:44:38,845 --> 00:44:41,973
It smells like cabbage and grandmas.
837
00:44:41,973 --> 00:44:45,643
So long, Saint Petersburg! Hello, Moscow!
838
00:44:45,643 --> 00:44:46,769
Oh, sorry.
839
00:44:50,022 --> 00:44:52,692
Why does everyone here look like
they want to punch me in the face?
840
00:44:52,692 --> 00:44:54,569
It's improper to smile in Russia, Bert.
841
00:44:54,569 --> 00:44:56,112
You save it for the people you love.
842
00:44:56,946 --> 00:44:57,947
Do you?
843
00:44:58,614 --> 00:45:00,575
- Really?
- What even is that?
844
00:45:00,575 --> 00:45:03,661
So you want to stay up all night
in the bar car or...?
845
00:45:03,661 --> 00:45:07,206
I don't know how you can drink so much
and never gain any weight.
846
00:45:07,206 --> 00:45:09,167
I just have really great genes.
847
00:45:11,961 --> 00:45:14,464
Do you maybe want to hang
in my cabin instead?
848
00:45:15,423 --> 00:45:16,507
I did.
849
00:45:16,507 --> 00:45:18,384
I definitely did.
850
00:45:20,511 --> 00:45:22,013
Fucking idiot. Fuck.
851
00:45:22,805 --> 00:45:25,016
Thanks, Dad, for the dull fucking knife.
852
00:45:25,892 --> 00:45:30,688
{\an8}♪ How could a person like me care for you?
Why do I bother...? ♪
853
00:45:30,688 --> 00:45:32,565
Ash. Hey.
854
00:45:36,611 --> 00:45:41,449
♪ No
I saw the sign... ♪
855
00:45:41,449 --> 00:45:42,366
Yeah.
856
00:45:43,034 --> 00:45:44,410
Fucking ow.
857
00:45:44,410 --> 00:45:46,829
♪ Without understanding... ♪
858
00:45:46,829 --> 00:45:47,747
Oh, jeez.
859
00:45:49,332 --> 00:45:50,374
Way too much.
860
00:45:50,374 --> 00:45:52,251
♪ I saw the sign ♪
861
00:45:52,251 --> 00:45:53,336
Yeah.
862
00:45:53,336 --> 00:45:59,133
♪ I saw the sign ♪
863
00:46:00,092 --> 00:46:03,304
♪ And it opened up my eyes
I saw the sign ♪
864
00:46:03,304 --> 00:46:05,139
- Hey.
- Hey, what are you doing?
865
00:46:05,139 --> 00:46:06,933
Uh, not much.
866
00:46:06,933 --> 00:46:08,893
I don't know. It's pretty crazy in there.
867
00:46:09,602 --> 00:46:11,646
So you still want to hang out?
It's cool if not.
868
00:46:11,646 --> 00:46:13,940
You know, I'm a big fan
of romantic buildup.
869
00:46:13,940 --> 00:46:14,857
Oh, yeah?
870
00:46:14,857 --> 00:46:17,693
Yeah. Like, I don't even think Ross
and Rachel should be together yet.
871
00:46:17,693 --> 00:46:18,653
No way. Me neither.
872
00:46:18,653 --> 00:46:20,738
- Right? Save it for the millennium.
- Yeah.
873
00:46:20,738 --> 00:46:22,490
- I kind of think we should...
- You.
874
00:46:25,034 --> 00:46:26,118
Hey.
875
00:46:27,954 --> 00:46:30,081
You are one they call Machine?
876
00:46:31,958 --> 00:46:33,668
Yeah, uh, that's me.
877
00:46:34,335 --> 00:46:35,294
Hm.
878
00:46:38,172 --> 00:46:40,258
Fedor was the boss of the train banditti.
879
00:46:40,258 --> 00:46:42,093
He smelled like nicotine patches
880
00:46:42,093 --> 00:46:44,887
and looked at me
the way Ted Bundy looked at coeds.
881
00:46:44,887 --> 00:46:46,847
It was horrible.
882
00:46:46,847 --> 00:46:50,184
Machine does not ride
with the peasants. Come, come.
883
00:46:52,895 --> 00:46:56,566
Uh, Ashley, I'm gonna go hang out
with these scary dudes for a little bit,
884
00:46:56,566 --> 00:46:58,943
and then I'll be right back, okay?
I'll check back in.
885
00:46:58,943 --> 00:47:01,112
FYI, I'm a good bed sharer.
886
00:47:01,112 --> 00:47:03,322
Okay? Fun to cuddle with,
no night farts...
887
00:47:03,322 --> 00:47:06,826
You left that girl,
so you could hang out with a criminal?
888
00:47:06,826 --> 00:47:09,495
He's right. She was a sure thing.
889
00:47:09,495 --> 00:47:12,873
Yeah, well, I've never been good
with sure things.
890
00:47:12,873 --> 00:47:14,917
But Fedor took me to the bar car.
891
00:47:14,917 --> 00:47:18,713
This place had booze, drugs,
and here's the real gangster part.
892
00:47:18,713 --> 00:47:21,048
This is the Machine.
893
00:47:23,134 --> 00:47:24,427
They knew who I was.
894
00:47:25,344 --> 00:47:27,096
They like you, huh?
895
00:47:28,014 --> 00:47:30,641
I guarantee this is where we'll find Igor.
896
00:47:32,560 --> 00:47:33,394
Wow.
897
00:47:33,394 --> 00:47:35,438
I guess nobody parties
in the bar car anymore.
898
00:47:35,438 --> 00:47:37,273
Hm. Especially Igor.
899
00:47:39,859 --> 00:47:42,278
You know, 23-year-old me loved this place.
900
00:47:42,278 --> 00:47:44,155
Now it looks like a truck-stop bathroom.
901
00:47:44,822 --> 00:47:48,451
I think your therapist would call that
"growth people notice."
902
00:47:50,286 --> 00:47:51,287
Wait.
903
00:47:52,413 --> 00:47:54,040
Did LeeAnn tell you I was in therapy?
904
00:47:56,375 --> 00:47:57,376
Well...
905
00:47:58,294 --> 00:48:00,630
when she called to invite me to the party,
906
00:48:00,630 --> 00:48:02,798
she opened up about
what you're going through.
907
00:48:02,798 --> 00:48:06,052
After Sasha's arrest,
we were both worried you'd...
908
00:48:06,552 --> 00:48:08,095
well, you know, mess up again.
909
00:48:08,095 --> 00:48:09,930
Motherfucker!
910
00:48:09,930 --> 00:48:11,307
Does no one trust me?
911
00:48:11,307 --> 00:48:13,809
Or am I the guy
that's only gonna mess up again?
912
00:48:13,809 --> 00:48:15,645
- You're making a scene.
- A scene?
913
00:48:15,645 --> 00:48:18,606
I pay my bills by making a scene!
914
00:48:18,606 --> 00:48:21,067
I rip my shirt off and yell,
"I'm the Machine!"
915
00:48:21,067 --> 00:48:22,151
Hey!
916
00:48:22,151 --> 00:48:25,655
- Who says, "I am Machine"?
917
00:48:27,281 --> 00:48:28,282
You?
918
00:48:29,200 --> 00:48:31,661
They say Machine can walk through walls.
919
00:48:32,536 --> 00:48:34,372
Only a ghost can do that.
920
00:48:35,373 --> 00:48:36,374
You...
921
00:48:37,166 --> 00:48:38,167
you are not Machine.
922
00:48:41,253 --> 00:48:43,756
You want to see the fucking Machine?
They want to see the Machine.
923
00:48:43,756 --> 00:48:46,092
- You're getting the fucking Machine.
- Hey, where you going?
924
00:48:46,092 --> 00:48:48,302
First up,
I don't normally do this for free.
925
00:48:48,302 --> 00:48:50,096
Secondly, you're dressed like dickheads.
926
00:48:50,096 --> 00:48:52,098
Matching Nazi dickheads.
927
00:48:52,098 --> 00:48:54,392
And third, you say it three times
and he shows up.
928
00:48:54,392 --> 00:48:55,685
It's a lot like Candyman.
929
00:48:56,268 --> 00:48:57,812
{\an8}You've already said it twice.
930
00:48:59,313 --> 00:49:00,314
That's me.
931
00:49:01,107 --> 00:49:04,443
That's me on this bottle of vodka
that says "The Machine."
932
00:49:04,443 --> 00:49:05,611
What are you doing?
933
00:49:05,611 --> 00:49:07,154
- Dad, sit down!
- Ah!
934
00:49:08,739 --> 00:49:10,741
I think we need to call the boss.
935
00:49:12,952 --> 00:49:14,745
- Igor.
- Igor?
936
00:49:14,745 --> 00:49:16,997
This guy says he's the Machine.
937
00:49:17,665 --> 00:49:19,417
Igor, it's your boy Bert.
938
00:49:19,417 --> 00:49:21,961
You better have my watch, bitch.
Finish it up.
939
00:49:22,670 --> 00:49:25,506
He looks like the cartoon
on the vodka bottle.
940
00:49:25,881 --> 00:49:29,260
Only fatter. Yeah, with big titties.
941
00:49:30,177 --> 00:49:34,056
Someone is with him.
Volgovitch's daughter.
942
00:49:35,558 --> 00:49:37,643
Go to VIP car.
943
00:49:42,398 --> 00:49:45,860
Igor want to see you.
He will come to the bar car soon.
944
00:49:50,114 --> 00:49:54,034
But before that,
it would be an honor to party with you...
945
00:49:54,869 --> 00:49:55,870
Machine.
946
00:50:00,458 --> 00:50:01,751
Strasvutsia, bitches.
947
00:50:02,460 --> 00:50:03,294
Let's do it.
948
00:50:07,298 --> 00:50:09,967
You do drink like Russian.
949
00:50:12,928 --> 00:50:16,015
- Alcohol is the universal language.
- Yes.
950
00:50:16,015 --> 00:50:18,184
We're all drunk on the inside.
951
00:50:20,770 --> 00:50:24,440
So when do we meet the real Machine, huh?
952
00:50:25,608 --> 00:50:26,901
All right, listen up.
953
00:50:27,568 --> 00:50:29,403
♪ I did it all for the nookie ♪
954
00:50:29,403 --> 00:50:30,321
♪ Come on ♪
955
00:50:30,321 --> 00:50:31,447
- ♪ The nookie ♪
- ♪ Come on ♪
956
00:50:31,447 --> 00:50:32,865
♪ So you can take that cookie ♪
957
00:50:32,865 --> 00:50:36,035
♪ And stick it up your asshole
Stick it up your asshole ♪
958
00:50:36,035 --> 00:50:37,411
♪ Stick it up your asshole... ♪
959
00:50:37,411 --> 00:50:40,164
Hey! Hey, excuse me!
960
00:50:40,164 --> 00:50:42,082
Yo, teach. Hey, check it out.
961
00:50:42,082 --> 00:50:44,919
I'm culturally bonding
with the indigenous citizens.
962
00:50:44,919 --> 00:50:48,923
Get your ass back to your cabin now!
963
00:50:49,840 --> 00:50:51,467
♪ I did it all for the nookie ♪
964
00:50:51,467 --> 00:50:53,302
- ♪ Come on ♪
- ♪ The nookie ♪
965
00:50:53,302 --> 00:50:55,221
- ♪ Come on ♪
- ♪ So you can take that cookie... ♪
966
00:50:57,223 --> 00:50:59,433
Fuck that bitch!
967
00:50:59,433 --> 00:51:00,935
This is...
968
00:51:00,935 --> 00:51:03,312
Russia!
969
00:51:03,312 --> 00:51:06,398
Dad, you said I had to go
to Russia to find myself.
970
00:51:06,398 --> 00:51:07,525
Well, I did.
971
00:51:07,525 --> 00:51:10,945
- I'm king of the world!
972
00:51:11,570 --> 00:51:13,072
That's how I felt.
973
00:51:13,072 --> 00:51:14,657
I was king of the world.
974
00:51:15,324 --> 00:51:16,200
Titanic?
975
00:51:16,200 --> 00:51:17,368
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
976
00:51:17,368 --> 00:51:19,745
I was stealing wholesale
from A-list movies,
977
00:51:19,745 --> 00:51:20,955
but it worked.
978
00:51:20,955 --> 00:51:22,581
Let me tell you something.
979
00:51:22,581 --> 00:51:26,502
Entertaining criminals
and sex workers was amazing.
980
00:51:26,502 --> 00:51:28,379
Maybe that's why I do so well
in Florida, huh?
981
00:51:29,672 --> 00:51:31,006
They don't even get it.
982
00:51:33,175 --> 00:51:35,052
Tell us more stories, Machine.
983
00:51:35,052 --> 00:51:37,096
The bar car was a blast.
984
00:51:37,096 --> 00:51:39,431
But it's also where shit got real.
985
00:51:39,431 --> 00:51:41,225
Uh, what do you want, Fedor?
986
00:51:42,685 --> 00:51:45,020
Bread. Okay, cool. Wait.
987
00:51:45,896 --> 00:51:47,690
- I knew you said "bread."
- Yes.
988
00:51:47,690 --> 00:51:49,567
I'm picking up the language.
Give me another one, come on.
989
00:51:50,776 --> 00:51:51,902
Cheese.
990
00:51:51,902 --> 00:51:53,654
I'm basically fluent.
991
00:51:57,241 --> 00:51:58,868
Uh... money. Got it.
992
00:51:58,868 --> 00:52:00,286
Cool. Um...
993
00:52:01,412 --> 00:52:03,497
Oh, no, are we robbing this guy?
994
00:52:04,415 --> 00:52:05,583
Yeah, I don't...
995
00:52:05,583 --> 00:52:07,543
I don't really want to rob anyone.
996
00:52:07,543 --> 00:52:09,378
Yes, you do.
997
00:52:11,297 --> 00:52:13,424
Do it. Pussy.
998
00:52:15,092 --> 00:52:18,929
First him, then train.
999
00:52:18,929 --> 00:52:20,723
So that's what we did.
1000
00:52:20,723 --> 00:52:22,099
- We robbed the train.
- Yeah.
1001
00:52:27,438 --> 00:52:29,315
I was terrified.
1002
00:52:30,482 --> 00:52:32,151
They were practically giddy.
1003
00:52:34,945 --> 00:52:38,991
♪ This is our
"Music from A Bachelor's Den"... ♪
1004
00:52:40,576 --> 00:52:41,660
Let's go.
1005
00:52:42,912 --> 00:52:44,580
Fedor kept feeding me booze.
1006
00:52:44,580 --> 00:52:48,292
Now you drink vodka.
1007
00:52:49,752 --> 00:52:51,378
Let's go. Drink.
1008
00:52:52,588 --> 00:52:53,589
That's it.
1009
00:52:56,216 --> 00:52:58,761
I was completely out of control.
1010
00:52:58,761 --> 00:53:01,513
I mean, the rush of it.
Turned into a thrill.
1011
00:53:01,513 --> 00:53:02,640
This is my room.
1012
00:53:03,390 --> 00:53:06,977
I was robbing the train
with the Russian mafia.
1013
00:53:06,977 --> 00:53:08,604
And I wasn't dying.
1014
00:53:08,604 --> 00:53:11,482
That's all my-- That's all my stuff.
1015
00:53:11,482 --> 00:53:13,817
Wait, wait, wait.
You're actually taking my stuff?
1016
00:53:14,610 --> 00:53:18,030
Oh, no, no, no, no.
That's my dad's, uh, knife.
1017
00:53:18,030 --> 00:53:19,531
You can't take that.
1018
00:53:19,531 --> 00:53:20,991
No, no, no.
1019
00:53:20,991 --> 00:53:23,953
You can take the other stuff.
But the knife?
1020
00:53:24,495 --> 00:53:26,080
- That's my dad's.
- Really?
1021
00:53:26,080 --> 00:53:27,498
No go.
1022
00:53:27,498 --> 00:53:29,625
I can't take, huh?
1023
00:53:30,626 --> 00:53:32,002
I'm sorry, Dad.
1024
00:53:33,128 --> 00:53:34,296
I let him steal it.
1025
00:53:34,296 --> 00:53:35,714
It's all yours.
1026
00:53:40,594 --> 00:53:42,304
Machine.
1027
00:53:43,013 --> 00:53:43,847
Wow.
1028
00:53:44,473 --> 00:53:46,141
I would've cut out his heart
1029
00:53:46,141 --> 00:53:49,103
and make him watch it stop beating
with his last breath.
1030
00:53:50,646 --> 00:53:52,648
I guess we're just built different.
1031
00:53:52,648 --> 00:53:53,732
The watch.
1032
00:53:55,317 --> 00:53:56,944
Once I got really drunk...
1033
00:53:58,946 --> 00:54:00,322
I robbed my class.
1034
00:54:01,448 --> 00:54:02,908
I robbed my whole class.
1035
00:54:03,742 --> 00:54:05,411
What the hell? Get out.
1036
00:54:07,746 --> 00:54:10,499
Fuck that bitch. This is Russia.
1037
00:54:15,295 --> 00:54:16,422
Ash.
1038
00:54:16,422 --> 00:54:17,548
I'm...
1039
00:54:17,548 --> 00:54:20,926
Whoa! Woman hit man?
1040
00:54:20,926 --> 00:54:23,137
That is new.
1041
00:54:23,137 --> 00:54:27,016
I felt like a complete
and total piece of shit.
1042
00:54:27,933 --> 00:54:31,311
Give it. Fast, fast. Give me ring.
1043
00:54:32,021 --> 00:54:34,773
Let's go.
1044
00:54:36,900 --> 00:54:39,236
- Okay?
- That's it.
1045
00:54:39,236 --> 00:54:40,612
- Good boy.
- Okay.
1046
00:54:45,534 --> 00:54:46,869
I'll get it back.
1047
00:54:47,369 --> 00:54:48,537
I promise.
1048
00:54:50,205 --> 00:54:51,248
I'm sorry, Ash.
1049
00:54:51,790 --> 00:54:52,708
Yeah, fuck you.
1050
00:54:55,419 --> 00:54:57,296
Machine is the man.
1051
00:54:57,296 --> 00:55:01,383
Hey. Machine.
Igor need us in front of train.
1052
00:55:01,383 --> 00:55:03,385
You wait here. We come back with him.
1053
00:55:03,385 --> 00:55:04,553
Machine!
1054
00:55:05,387 --> 00:55:08,682
Enough of this pussy shit!
1055
00:55:09,475 --> 00:55:11,810
Do you talk about that part with...?
1056
00:55:12,853 --> 00:55:14,855
With Ashley when you do your show?
1057
00:55:14,855 --> 00:55:16,273
Obviously not, Dad.
1058
00:55:19,526 --> 00:55:21,361
But I think about it sometimes.
1059
00:55:21,945 --> 00:55:24,948
I think I liked that story better
when I thought it was a lie.
1060
00:55:30,621 --> 00:55:34,166
And then what? Story of you being
stupid idiot asshole is sad,
1061
00:55:34,166 --> 00:55:37,586
but you need to remember my watch.
1062
00:55:45,594 --> 00:55:47,096
Oh!
1063
00:55:49,890 --> 00:55:51,100
I remember.
1064
00:55:51,600 --> 00:55:53,852
There was one last private cabin.
1065
00:55:58,190 --> 00:56:02,528
{\an8} Please don't.
It's a family heirloom.
1066
00:56:02,528 --> 00:56:04,738
Fuck your heirloom.
1067
00:56:05,489 --> 00:56:06,490
Do it.
1068
00:56:09,034 --> 00:56:10,035
Sorry.
1069
00:56:38,897 --> 00:56:40,607
That was the watch.
1070
00:56:43,694 --> 00:56:45,487
My father was no criminal.
1071
00:56:47,281 --> 00:56:48,740
He was a salesman.
1072
00:56:50,284 --> 00:56:53,871
And then you stole
the only thing he ever cared about.
1073
00:56:54,746 --> 00:56:57,291
He called police,
but no one would help him.
1074
00:56:58,000 --> 00:57:00,419
It made him say, "Fuck honest living!
1075
00:57:00,419 --> 00:57:03,338
If you want respect, you have to take it."
1076
00:57:04,423 --> 00:57:08,010
And from there, he built our family.
1077
00:57:12,181 --> 00:57:13,348
Oh, my God.
1078
00:57:14,641 --> 00:57:16,602
I'm your origin story.
1079
00:57:17,269 --> 00:57:19,062
Most people see themselves as Batman...
1080
00:57:20,606 --> 00:57:22,691
not the guy who killed Batman's parents.
1081
00:57:22,691 --> 00:57:25,319
What did you do
with the watch after that?
1082
00:57:25,319 --> 00:57:27,446
We went back to the bar car.
1083
00:57:27,446 --> 00:57:29,865
Fedor went through all the stuff
that we stole.
1084
00:57:36,330 --> 00:57:38,248
- Ugh...
1085
00:57:38,248 --> 00:57:40,876
I hate this song.
1086
00:57:43,420 --> 00:57:45,505
Listen, in Russia,
1087
00:57:46,423 --> 00:57:50,510
we always give gifts to a new friend.
1088
00:57:51,136 --> 00:57:52,387
Take, Machine.
1089
00:57:54,306 --> 00:57:55,974
He gave you the watch?
1090
00:57:57,142 --> 00:58:00,062
- Where is it, Bert? I need to know.
- I don't know.
1091
00:58:00,062 --> 00:58:01,104
Machine.
1092
00:58:02,439 --> 00:58:04,066
Igor is here.
1093
00:58:06,068 --> 00:58:10,280
Igor, I present to you the Machine.
1094
00:58:15,535 --> 00:58:18,247
Your friend has aged even worse than you.
1095
00:58:19,456 --> 00:58:21,583
My men say:
1096
00:58:22,209 --> 00:58:26,672
"Come to meet famous Machine
from a vodka bottle."
1097
00:58:26,672 --> 00:58:28,423
I say, "Why not?
1098
00:58:28,423 --> 00:58:29,967
You can take selfie."
1099
00:58:31,301 --> 00:58:33,095
But you're not famous.
1100
00:58:35,597 --> 00:58:37,307
You have tits.
1101
00:58:38,350 --> 00:58:39,893
Yeah, we've established that.
1102
00:58:39,893 --> 00:58:42,354
I don't know this guy. This isn't Igor.
1103
00:58:42,354 --> 00:58:43,647
Who are you?
1104
00:58:43,647 --> 00:58:46,483
I knew old Igor. My name is also Igor.
1105
00:58:47,276 --> 00:58:50,028
I took train from him, make him disappear.
1106
00:58:51,280 --> 00:58:52,447
My train now.
1107
00:58:53,073 --> 00:58:54,658
Wait, Igor's dead?
1108
00:58:55,200 --> 00:58:56,034
Yeah.
1109
00:58:56,535 --> 00:58:58,870
- And you're gonna die also.
- Enough.
1110
00:59:00,372 --> 00:59:02,916
I'm Irina Ivanona Volgina.
1111
00:59:03,625 --> 00:59:05,419
You know who my father is.
1112
00:59:06,044 --> 00:59:08,964
These two dipshits belong to me.
1113
00:59:08,964 --> 00:59:12,843
Now go, if you want to live
to see your children again.
1114
00:59:14,594 --> 00:59:15,721
Stupid bitch.
1115
00:59:16,555 --> 00:59:18,307
You think I didn't ask for permission?
1116
00:59:18,974 --> 00:59:20,183
Permission?
1117
00:59:28,025 --> 00:59:29,443
All right!
1118
00:59:30,444 --> 00:59:31,778
Listen up.
1119
00:59:32,404 --> 00:59:34,364
- Never show fear, right?
- Yeah.
1120
00:59:34,364 --> 00:59:35,282
Now, look.
1121
00:59:35,824 --> 00:59:37,534
Wait, that's the knife you gave me.
1122
00:59:37,534 --> 00:59:39,995
No. I gave you one just like it.
1123
00:59:39,995 --> 00:59:41,955
I knew you couldn't be trusted
with the original.
1124
00:59:41,955 --> 00:59:43,832
- I'm not an idiot.
- Oh, my God.
1125
00:59:43,832 --> 00:59:45,876
You heard me pining about that knife.
1126
00:59:45,876 --> 00:59:48,837
You knew I felt guilty for losing it
for like 25 years!
1127
00:59:48,837 --> 00:59:50,005
That's enough.
1128
00:59:50,589 --> 00:59:52,215
Dad, stab this bald fucker.
1129
00:59:52,215 --> 00:59:53,592
I'm sorry, son.
1130
00:59:54,176 --> 00:59:55,510
- But...
- I can't breathe.
1131
00:59:55,510 --> 00:59:59,890
...I swore I would never use
a weapon for violence.
1132
01:00:09,775 --> 01:00:10,609
Hello.
1133
01:00:13,695 --> 01:00:14,863
Whoa!
1134
01:00:15,697 --> 01:00:16,823
Oh, my God.
1135
01:00:17,616 --> 01:00:18,992
She cut his throat, Dad.
1136
01:00:18,992 --> 01:00:20,994
Oh, no, don't touch it. It's bad.
1137
01:00:20,994 --> 01:00:22,579
Oh, why is he touching it?
1138
01:00:22,579 --> 01:00:24,748
Oh, no. Why are you smiling?
1139
01:00:25,665 --> 01:00:27,084
Stop. Stop right there. Stop.
1140
01:00:27,084 --> 01:00:29,503
What am I supposed to do, Dad?
What am I supposed to do?
1141
01:00:29,503 --> 01:00:30,587
Hit him, son.
1142
01:00:35,175 --> 01:00:36,885
Oh, my God, Dad, I'm inside him!
1143
01:00:36,885 --> 01:00:39,679
- Oh, my God!
1144
01:00:40,764 --> 01:00:43,392
Let go of my arm! I'll try to get it out!
1145
01:00:43,392 --> 01:00:45,102
He's so warm!
1146
01:00:45,102 --> 01:00:47,646
No, no, no, no, no! God!
1147
01:00:52,317 --> 01:00:54,444
God! Help me let go!
1148
01:00:54,444 --> 01:00:56,279
God! You're, like, fisting his neck.
1149
01:00:56,279 --> 01:00:57,489
Help me!
1150
01:00:57,489 --> 01:00:59,324
Son of a bitch! God!
1151
01:00:59,324 --> 01:01:01,952
It's like a pickle jar.
Just let go of the pickle.
1152
01:01:01,952 --> 01:01:04,788
Damn it, Dad.
It's nothing like a pickle jar!
1153
01:01:04,788 --> 01:01:05,872
Oh, shit!
1154
01:01:05,872 --> 01:01:07,582
- Incoming!
1155
01:01:07,582 --> 01:01:10,127
Pull, pull, pull, pull,
pull, pull, pull, pull!
1156
01:01:15,757 --> 01:01:16,842
Oh, my God!
1157
01:01:16,842 --> 01:01:18,677
Get it off! Get it off me!
1158
01:01:18,677 --> 01:01:20,053
Get it off me!
1159
01:01:20,053 --> 01:01:21,930
No, not that way! The other way!
1160
01:01:25,684 --> 01:01:29,104
Hey, were you saying "pull" or "pole"?
1161
01:01:29,104 --> 01:01:31,606
Does it really fucking matter, Dad?!
1162
01:01:32,274 --> 01:01:34,276
Why did he say
he had permission to kill us?
1163
01:01:36,069 --> 01:01:38,321
I know where we can find out.
1164
01:01:42,159 --> 01:01:44,911
Uh, hello.
Can I have your attention, please?
1165
01:01:45,495 --> 01:01:49,082
We're here looking
for whoever sent that large, bald man
1166
01:01:49,082 --> 01:01:51,084
to kill me and my son.
1167
01:01:51,084 --> 01:01:52,377
Dad. Hey, Dad.
1168
01:01:53,044 --> 01:01:53,879
Dad.
1169
01:01:53,879 --> 01:01:55,839
Maybe ease up on the Russian mafia, okay?
1170
01:02:05,015 --> 01:02:07,225
- Alexei.
- Hm. It is so nice to see you, sister.
1171
01:02:07,225 --> 01:02:08,143
ALEXEI
1172
01:02:08,143 --> 01:02:10,604
- You have another brother?
- Mm.
1173
01:02:10,604 --> 01:02:13,273
Da. Three of us. Now two.
1174
01:02:13,273 --> 01:02:14,941
But thank you for killing him.
1175
01:02:15,942 --> 01:02:17,777
He was pain in ass.
1176
01:02:19,070 --> 01:02:20,530
And very stupid.
1177
01:02:21,948 --> 01:02:23,950
You have the meanest family of all time.
1178
01:02:23,950 --> 01:02:26,620
Kind of you to say, Machine.
1179
01:02:27,329 --> 01:02:30,540
I can't agree with your methods
or your business model,
1180
01:02:30,540 --> 01:02:32,876
but it warms my heart to see a son
1181
01:02:32,876 --> 01:02:35,504
willing to take on his father's legacy.
1182
01:02:35,504 --> 01:02:38,507
Albert, Machine's father.
1183
01:02:40,675 --> 01:02:41,927
Oh, sister.
1184
01:02:41,927 --> 01:02:44,804
I intend to bring our father
the watch Machine stole.
1185
01:02:44,804 --> 01:02:46,139
It is over.
1186
01:02:47,224 --> 01:02:48,391
Give me Machine.
1187
01:02:48,391 --> 01:02:50,352
Machine leads me to watch.
1188
01:02:50,352 --> 01:02:51,811
I win.
1189
01:02:51,811 --> 01:02:53,855
All right. You win.
1190
01:02:53,855 --> 01:02:55,232
You get the watch.
1191
01:02:57,067 --> 01:02:58,276
It is here?
1192
01:02:58,276 --> 01:03:00,111
Oh, yeah. It is here.
1193
01:03:01,321 --> 01:03:02,197
In this room.
1194
01:03:04,032 --> 01:03:06,910
We don't have it. We came to collect it.
1195
01:03:10,080 --> 01:03:10,956
From him.
1196
01:03:11,498 --> 01:03:12,624
Keyser Söze.
1197
01:03:13,875 --> 01:03:15,460
Keyser Söze?
1198
01:03:15,460 --> 01:03:18,171
Yeah, he has it. Go ahead, give it to him.
1199
01:03:18,171 --> 01:03:20,090
Who the fuck is Keyser Soze?
1200
01:03:20,090 --> 01:03:22,259
- Yep, it's his now.
1201
01:03:22,259 --> 01:03:24,886
- I'm out of the equation.
1202
01:03:34,229 --> 01:03:35,564
Where are we going?
1203
01:03:35,564 --> 01:03:36,982
You're gonna get us all killed!
1204
01:03:36,982 --> 01:03:38,316
Shut up and run.
1205
01:03:40,318 --> 01:03:41,361
There we go.
1206
01:03:52,497 --> 01:03:53,498
Fuck!
1207
01:03:56,251 --> 01:03:59,713
Tsk, tsk, tsk. You make me chase you.
1208
01:04:02,632 --> 01:04:03,842
Not nice.
1209
01:04:06,094 --> 01:04:08,054
You think you're so cool.
1210
01:04:08,847 --> 01:04:12,100
Sister, do you really think
you'd take over family?
1211
01:04:14,352 --> 01:04:15,353
Why?
1212
01:04:16,813 --> 01:04:18,648
I'm strong. I'm smart.
1213
01:04:18,648 --> 01:04:20,609
Please. You are a woman.
1214
01:04:22,777 --> 01:04:24,362
The world is changing.
1215
01:04:25,196 --> 01:04:26,698
Even for our family.
1216
01:04:26,698 --> 01:04:30,535
Father and I,
we laugh about your delusions.
1217
01:04:33,747 --> 01:04:37,042
You and Father always underestimate me.
1218
01:04:38,752 --> 01:04:39,836
But you know what?
1219
01:04:41,504 --> 01:04:43,757
I deserve to be treated as an equal.
1220
01:04:44,716 --> 01:04:45,717
Agreed.
1221
01:04:52,599 --> 01:04:53,600
Huh.
1222
01:05:04,986 --> 01:05:06,404
- Hey.
- Jesus.
1223
01:05:06,404 --> 01:05:08,281
I like this feminism thing.
1224
01:05:09,449 --> 01:05:12,786
And if you don't want me
to kill your father next,
1225
01:05:13,328 --> 01:05:15,163
you will take me to the watch.
1226
01:05:15,163 --> 01:05:18,208
All right. Stop, stop, stop, stop.
I'm gonna do whatever you want.
1227
01:05:18,208 --> 01:05:20,418
Don't hurt my father, okay?
Give me a second.
1228
01:05:20,418 --> 01:05:22,462
Dad. Dad, Dad, Dad.
Listen to me. Listen to me.
1229
01:05:22,462 --> 01:05:23,880
We're gonna be fine.
We're gonna be a team.
1230
01:05:23,880 --> 01:05:25,423
Dad, listen to me right now, okay?
1231
01:05:25,423 --> 01:05:28,009
Butch Cassidy and Sundance.
End of the movie, Dad.
1232
01:05:28,009 --> 01:05:30,553
- Waterfall. We're gonna waterfall.
- Enough.
1233
01:05:33,014 --> 01:05:35,100
This is for your own good.
1234
01:05:42,023 --> 01:05:46,111
Dad!
1235
01:05:56,996 --> 01:06:00,083
My son is a moron.
You were wasting your time.
1236
01:06:00,083 --> 01:06:01,710
I'll help find your watch.
1237
01:06:02,335 --> 01:06:06,381
But only if you promise
to keep my granddaughter safe.
1238
01:06:12,679 --> 01:06:15,515
You are a very good father.
1239
01:06:27,444 --> 01:06:28,778
A cop pulled us over.
1240
01:06:28,778 --> 01:06:30,405
Dad, there's a cop.
1241
01:06:30,405 --> 01:06:33,408
Officer, no,
I don't have a driver's license.
1242
01:06:33,408 --> 01:06:35,493
My dad's in the backseat.
1243
01:06:35,493 --> 01:06:38,163
Dad, stop. Shit, Dad.
1244
01:06:38,163 --> 01:06:39,330
Dad, wake up.
1245
01:06:43,376 --> 01:06:46,171
Oh, God.
1246
01:06:51,092 --> 01:06:52,427
Oh, shit.
1247
01:06:53,845 --> 01:06:55,889
Ow!
1248
01:06:55,889 --> 01:06:58,057
Son of a bitch.
1249
01:07:07,400 --> 01:07:09,986
Hello?
1250
01:07:09,986 --> 01:07:11,237
Fucking Dad.
1251
01:07:12,489 --> 01:07:13,490
I'm tired.
1252
01:07:14,699 --> 01:07:17,368
I'm sore. I'm hungry.
1253
01:07:18,244 --> 01:07:19,245
I'm hungry.
1254
01:07:26,002 --> 01:07:27,253
Thank you, Ash.
1255
01:07:51,903 --> 01:07:52,987
Wait.
1256
01:07:53,822 --> 01:07:54,656
Hey.
1257
01:07:54,656 --> 01:07:55,990
Is my daughter okay?
1258
01:07:56,616 --> 01:07:57,450
No.
1259
01:07:59,994 --> 01:08:02,288
My son is a moron.
1260
01:08:04,332 --> 01:08:05,959
Hey, what's up, sleepyhead?
1261
01:08:06,501 --> 01:08:08,920
- What's this thing?
- It's a mace.
1262
01:08:09,671 --> 01:08:10,964
The fuck are you doing here?
1263
01:08:10,964 --> 01:08:13,216
Oh, I'm not here. You're just really high.
1264
01:08:16,219 --> 01:08:17,679
I am really high.
1265
01:08:22,308 --> 01:08:24,769
God, I came to Russia to become a man.
1266
01:08:24,769 --> 01:08:26,855
All I became was an asshole criminal.
1267
01:08:26,855 --> 01:08:29,941
Yeah. You're gonna hang on to that
for a while.
1268
01:08:29,941 --> 01:08:32,151
A lot of it,
all the shit that happened on the train.
1269
01:08:32,777 --> 01:08:35,822
But, hey, that shirtless idiot thing?
1270
01:08:36,281 --> 01:08:38,283
It pays off bigtime.
1271
01:08:38,283 --> 01:08:39,450
- Really?
- Oh, yeah.
1272
01:08:39,450 --> 01:08:41,160
- Yeah?
- Oh, dude.
1273
01:08:41,160 --> 01:08:44,289
This trip to Russia sets you on a path.
1274
01:08:44,873 --> 01:08:47,000
You, my friend,
are great at making people laugh.
1275
01:08:47,000 --> 01:08:48,126
Thanks, man.
1276
01:08:48,126 --> 01:08:49,210
Yeah.
1277
01:08:49,711 --> 01:08:51,629
- I am gonna be okay.
- Yeah.
1278
01:08:52,297 --> 01:08:54,048
And then your wife's
gonna put you in therapy.
1279
01:08:54,048 --> 01:08:55,133
Whoa.
1280
01:08:55,133 --> 01:08:56,926
- We're married?
- Oh, yeah.
1281
01:08:56,926 --> 01:08:58,303
Is she hot?
1282
01:08:58,303 --> 01:09:00,013
- I mean, yeah.
- Wait, what do you mean?
1283
01:09:00,013 --> 01:09:03,266
I mean, I think she's hot.
I think she's hot. I mean, she's 50.
1284
01:09:05,685 --> 01:09:07,729
You married a 50-year-old?
1285
01:09:08,313 --> 01:09:10,940
Dude, what the fuck?
I thought you said we were gonna be okay.
1286
01:09:10,940 --> 01:09:12,442
No, I forgot how dumb I am.
1287
01:09:12,442 --> 01:09:13,860
We married her when she was 30.
1288
01:09:13,860 --> 01:09:16,654
She was-- She still is a smoke show.
She's hot as shit, okay?
1289
01:09:16,654 --> 01:09:18,615
- Okay.
- Don't make me defend our wife.
1290
01:09:19,532 --> 01:09:20,617
She's a great mom.
1291
01:09:20,617 --> 01:09:21,743
Whoa.
1292
01:09:21,743 --> 01:09:22,660
We got kids?
1293
01:09:22,660 --> 01:09:23,745
- Yeah.
- Boys?
1294
01:09:23,745 --> 01:09:25,413
- Mm...
- Ah, I knew we'd have boys.
1295
01:09:25,413 --> 01:09:26,831
I always wanted to have boys.
1296
01:09:26,831 --> 01:09:28,249
Look at us.
1297
01:09:28,249 --> 01:09:31,920
Both of us just figuring ourselves out.
1298
01:09:32,795 --> 01:09:33,671
Ah.
1299
01:09:33,671 --> 01:09:35,214
Well, I am.
1300
01:09:35,840 --> 01:09:37,383
You're still pretty lost.
1301
01:09:37,383 --> 01:09:40,094
I mean, you're literally lost in a forest.
1302
01:09:40,094 --> 01:09:41,512
High on a pot brownie.
1303
01:09:41,512 --> 01:09:44,057
'Cause your dad kicked you off a train.
1304
01:09:44,057 --> 01:09:45,391
Because he hates you.
1305
01:09:45,391 --> 01:09:48,603
Because you can't save your own daughter,
who hates you.
1306
01:09:48,603 --> 01:09:51,689
Now your wife's gonna hate you.
Your whole family pretty much hates you.
1307
01:09:51,689 --> 01:09:53,024
Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
1308
01:09:53,024 --> 01:09:55,443
I know this. I know this.
Why are you doing this to me?
1309
01:09:55,443 --> 01:09:58,112
'Cause I'm trying to save you.
You're about to get shot.
1310
01:09:59,656 --> 01:10:00,490
How so?
1311
01:10:00,490 --> 01:10:03,993
You're about to get shot.
1312
01:10:03,993 --> 01:10:06,079
Meaning what?
1313
01:10:06,079 --> 01:10:07,830
You're under fire.
1314
01:10:21,427 --> 01:10:22,887
Fuck! God!
1315
01:10:23,721 --> 01:10:24,889
Oh, my God!
1316
01:10:26,307 --> 01:10:27,308
Fuck.
1317
01:10:46,661 --> 01:10:47,745
Bert?
1318
01:10:48,579 --> 01:10:49,580
Igor?
1319
01:10:53,751 --> 01:10:55,795
- Bert.
- Igor!
1320
01:10:56,713 --> 01:10:58,631
- Machina!
- Igor!
1321
01:10:58,631 --> 01:11:01,551
You look like a big bear. I mean, what?
1322
01:11:01,551 --> 01:11:03,011
- Oh!
1323
01:11:03,011 --> 01:11:05,847
- God.
- My friend, you are here.
1324
01:11:05,847 --> 01:11:09,475
I can't believe you're alive.
Oh, shit. It's good to see you.
1325
01:11:13,855 --> 01:11:15,231
Do you have any snacks?
1326
01:11:18,776 --> 01:11:20,862
This is my home.
1327
01:11:20,862 --> 01:11:22,030
For years now.
1328
01:11:22,030 --> 01:11:24,991
- Nice. It's kind of like West Virginia.
- Yeah. West Vagina.
1329
01:11:24,991 --> 01:11:28,036
Igor! Deuces.
1330
01:11:28,036 --> 01:11:29,662
That's uncircumcised.
1331
01:11:32,206 --> 01:11:33,875
- You almost hit that guy, Igor.
- Yeah.
1332
01:11:35,460 --> 01:11:36,794
It's a tradition here.
1333
01:11:37,420 --> 01:11:38,713
Ah, look at this.
1334
01:11:39,338 --> 01:11:40,381
This is it.
1335
01:11:40,381 --> 01:11:41,299
IGOR'S VILLAGE
1336
01:11:41,299 --> 01:11:42,633
- This is your house?
- Yeah.
1337
01:11:48,181 --> 01:11:49,724
Holy shit.
1338
01:11:49,724 --> 01:11:52,810
Oh! Wait, are these all your kids?
1339
01:11:52,810 --> 01:11:55,563
Yeah, this is most of my kids.
1340
01:11:55,563 --> 01:11:58,858
- Oh, my God.
1341
01:11:59,567 --> 01:12:01,277
Jesus, you know you can pull out, right?
1342
01:12:01,277 --> 01:12:04,363
Yes, but my dick
is little bit longer, so I'm like:
1343
01:12:04,363 --> 01:12:06,616
- Oh, like a magician.
- Magician!
1344
01:12:06,616 --> 01:12:08,451
- With the scarves!
- Yeah.
1345
01:12:08,451 --> 01:12:09,911
- Hey.
- I missed you.
1346
01:12:14,749 --> 01:12:15,708
...Machina!
1347
01:12:15,708 --> 01:12:17,668
Hey! Yeah!
1348
01:12:17,668 --> 01:12:19,253
- Oh, Machina!
- Yeah!
1349
01:12:25,718 --> 01:12:26,552
Huh?
1350
01:12:28,137 --> 01:12:28,971
Igor.
1351
01:12:28,971 --> 01:12:30,515
Igor, Igor.
1352
01:12:33,810 --> 01:12:36,938
My wife, she's a big fan of you, Machine.
1353
01:12:36,938 --> 01:12:38,481
- Oh!
- Many in village are.
1354
01:12:38,481 --> 01:12:40,233
They listen to your podcast.
1355
01:12:40,233 --> 01:12:42,151
Why no new episodes?
1356
01:12:42,151 --> 01:12:44,070
Igor, have you killed the bear?
1357
01:12:44,070 --> 01:12:49,575
Not yet, but this is better!
I find friend, Machine. Real one!
1358
01:12:50,660 --> 01:12:53,830
Blessed day for our village!
1359
01:12:53,830 --> 01:12:59,085
First you find Machine,
Then I find whore!
1360
01:12:59,085 --> 01:13:00,962
- She find whore.
- What?
1361
01:13:10,304 --> 01:13:13,182
- Holy shit! Irina! You're alive!
1362
01:13:13,182 --> 01:13:15,351
How the fuck are you still alive?
1363
01:13:15,351 --> 01:13:17,770
Goddamn it. Oh, my God!
1364
01:13:18,312 --> 01:13:20,398
Would you like to buy her for the fucking?
1365
01:13:20,398 --> 01:13:21,899
I don't know.
1366
01:13:21,899 --> 01:13:23,985
What do you think? How much?
1367
01:13:23,985 --> 01:13:25,736
More than you have.
1368
01:13:26,445 --> 01:13:27,738
I don't know, maybe--
1369
01:13:27,738 --> 01:13:29,949
Oh, my God! What happened to your leg?
1370
01:13:29,949 --> 01:13:31,242
Oh, that looks bad.
1371
01:13:31,242 --> 01:13:33,119
Here, tell me if you feel this.
1372
01:13:33,119 --> 01:13:34,537
- Oh!
1373
01:13:34,537 --> 01:13:36,747
Igor! Help! I know this whore!
1374
01:13:36,747 --> 01:13:38,124
Let's get her in your house!
1375
01:13:38,124 --> 01:13:40,793
- Here.
- Igor, do you have any hydrogen peroxide?
1376
01:13:40,793 --> 01:13:44,172
Uh... no,
but we have many kind of animal spit.
1377
01:13:44,172 --> 01:13:45,840
- Okay, well, here you go.
- Fuck!
1378
01:13:45,840 --> 01:13:47,842
Okay, you're fine. No, no, no. We're good.
1379
01:13:47,842 --> 01:13:50,219
- Fuck!
- Just get me something to dress it with.
1380
01:13:50,219 --> 01:13:53,472
- I gotta get this boot off.
1381
01:13:53,472 --> 01:13:56,100
- Okay. Okay, here we go.
- Okay. Wait, wait, be careful.
1382
01:13:57,935 --> 01:13:59,478
- All right.
1383
01:14:00,104 --> 01:14:02,648
Oh, it's pretty bad. Okay.
1384
01:14:03,733 --> 01:14:06,027
- Oh, is it bad?
- It's not that bad.
1385
01:14:06,027 --> 01:14:08,070
- Is it that bad? Oh, fuck!
- It's not that bad.
1386
01:14:08,070 --> 01:14:10,198
I just can't look at it.
1387
01:14:10,198 --> 01:14:11,490
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
1388
01:14:11,490 --> 01:14:13,242
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- Fuck!
1389
01:14:13,242 --> 01:14:14,785
It's fine. It's fine.
1390
01:14:15,411 --> 01:14:17,288
Did you just put it in your pocket?
1391
01:14:17,288 --> 01:14:18,706
I didn't know where to put it.
1392
01:14:18,706 --> 01:14:21,459
Oh, I'm gonna be sick now. Oh, fuck!
1393
01:14:21,459 --> 01:14:23,920
Don't you throw up.
If you throw up, I'm gonna throw up.
1394
01:14:23,920 --> 01:14:26,297
Don't throw up. Don't throw up.
Please don't throw up.
1395
01:14:26,297 --> 01:14:29,800
- I won't throw up. You don't throw up.
- I won't throw up, if you don't throw up.
1396
01:14:29,800 --> 01:14:31,510
- I'll trust you. Okay.
- Deal.
1397
01:14:31,510 --> 01:14:33,512
Oh, God. Okay.
1398
01:14:34,931 --> 01:14:37,516
- Just do something about it!
- I don't think I can do this.
1399
01:14:38,226 --> 01:14:39,560
Give me a pep talk.
1400
01:14:39,560 --> 01:14:42,313
- Just pull it out. You can do it.
- Okay.
1401
01:14:42,313 --> 01:14:44,732
- I can do it?
- You can do it. Just pull it out. Okay?
1402
01:14:44,732 --> 01:14:46,525
- One, two...
- Three, two...
1403
01:14:46,525 --> 01:14:47,485
No, wait. No, wait.
1404
01:14:47,485 --> 01:14:50,154
- Three! Two! One!
- Three! Two! One!
1405
01:14:55,868 --> 01:14:57,453
I did it! I did it!
1406
01:14:58,287 --> 01:14:59,830
You're not gonna...
1407
01:15:08,047 --> 01:15:10,299
So anyway, I shoot the dude,
1408
01:15:10,299 --> 01:15:12,885
he shoots another dude,
dude shoots another dude.
1409
01:15:12,885 --> 01:15:16,055
Three dudes, one--
Four-- Three-- Three bullets.
1410
01:15:16,055 --> 01:15:18,641
It was top ten all-time kills for me.
Hell, yeah!
1411
01:15:18,641 --> 01:15:20,559
Yeah. Oh, is this...?
1412
01:15:20,559 --> 01:15:23,479
- Are we high-fiving a murder?
- Yeah.
1413
01:15:23,479 --> 01:15:25,773
Hey, where is your father now?
1414
01:15:25,773 --> 01:15:27,942
Who the fuck knows?
1415
01:15:27,942 --> 01:15:30,820
Let me tell you something.
If he is alive, I'm fucking killing him.
1416
01:15:32,405 --> 01:15:34,448
Hey, Igor, what brought you here?
1417
01:15:34,448 --> 01:15:36,450
Hey, thanks to you, Bert.
1418
01:15:36,450 --> 01:15:38,119
- Me?
- Yeah.
1419
01:15:38,119 --> 01:15:39,203
What?
1420
01:15:39,203 --> 01:15:42,665
When I saw how you find joy
in every moment,
1421
01:15:42,665 --> 01:15:46,210
it make me think, "Mafia is dangerous."
1422
01:15:47,461 --> 01:15:48,838
Not easy life.
1423
01:15:48,838 --> 01:15:53,426
And one day,
as I strangle man for not paying me for...
1424
01:15:54,719 --> 01:15:55,928
ah, whatever,
1425
01:15:55,928 --> 01:15:58,639
- I remembered something you say.
- What?
1426
01:15:58,639 --> 01:16:02,601
You told me most important thing in life,
1427
01:16:02,601 --> 01:16:04,645
it is to find your smile.
1428
01:16:05,479 --> 01:16:06,605
- Oh!
- Eh?
1429
01:16:07,315 --> 01:16:09,233
- Ho, ho, ho. Igor.
- Huh?
1430
01:16:09,233 --> 01:16:11,527
I stole that from City Slickers.
1431
01:16:12,069 --> 01:16:14,947
Billy Crystal? 1980s? Cowboys? Nothing?
1432
01:16:14,947 --> 01:16:17,325
His whole deal is stealing shit.
1433
01:16:17,325 --> 01:16:19,660
Back then, Irina. Okay?
1434
01:16:19,660 --> 01:16:22,621
Hey, I just left. It was my choice.
1435
01:16:22,621 --> 01:16:24,040
My smile.
1436
01:16:24,040 --> 01:16:26,417
Mafia was not my smile.
1437
01:16:26,417 --> 01:16:29,211
This was. Children, family, Sonia.
1438
01:16:29,712 --> 01:16:33,257
In mafia, I would have died.
1439
01:16:33,257 --> 01:16:35,968
But I have this, thanks to you, Bert.
1440
01:16:35,968 --> 01:16:37,720
You saved my life.
1441
01:16:41,557 --> 01:16:42,850
Good for you, Igor.
1442
01:16:43,684 --> 01:16:45,561
Hey, at least
I didn't ruin his life, right?
1443
01:16:50,524 --> 01:16:51,525
Bert?
1444
01:16:57,073 --> 01:16:58,115
Bert?
1445
01:17:02,078 --> 01:17:04,413
Hey. Are you asleep?
1446
01:17:05,164 --> 01:17:06,165
Yeah.
1447
01:17:06,707 --> 01:17:09,585
What is this thing you did
that made your daughter hate you?
1448
01:17:15,049 --> 01:17:16,050
All right.
1449
01:17:18,427 --> 01:17:22,139
So me and my big, fat friend Tom,
we're doing a podcast,
1450
01:17:22,723 --> 01:17:25,434
and we get accidentally very fucked up.
1451
01:17:26,811 --> 01:17:29,021
- That's not so bad.
- Wait for it.
1452
01:17:29,021 --> 01:17:31,732
So Sasha's 15, right?
She's got her learner's permit.
1453
01:17:32,358 --> 01:17:34,652
I'm like, "Hey, come out to me.
1454
01:17:35,403 --> 01:17:38,197
Get my car, drive me home."
Right? Bam, bam.
1455
01:17:39,740 --> 01:17:42,618
You asked your teenage daughter
to drive you home drunk?
1456
01:17:42,618 --> 01:17:44,703
It gets worse, okay?
1457
01:17:44,703 --> 01:17:46,163
She rolls a stop sign.
1458
01:17:46,789 --> 01:17:48,124
Cop pulls her over.
1459
01:17:50,584 --> 01:17:54,588
Turns out, having a parent in the car
doesn't count if the parent's trashed.
1460
01:17:56,924 --> 01:18:00,761
She can't get her license for two years.
I got a misdemeanor. It was awful.
1461
01:18:00,761 --> 01:18:03,305
Well, if that's everything,
that's not so bad.
1462
01:18:04,014 --> 01:18:07,351
I wish that was the worst thing
my father ever did to me.
1463
01:18:07,351 --> 01:18:09,395
It almost sounds nice.
1464
01:18:11,605 --> 01:18:14,442
Four minutes before I passed out,
I started a livestream.
1465
01:18:15,276 --> 01:18:17,445
And I livestreamed the entire event.
1466
01:18:18,237 --> 01:18:19,864
It immediately went viral.
1467
01:18:21,031 --> 01:18:22,992
Next weekend was Father's Day.
1468
01:18:24,869 --> 01:18:26,370
She was so mad.
1469
01:18:28,456 --> 01:18:30,624
Oh, God,
she didn't talk to me for a month.
1470
01:18:32,835 --> 01:18:34,211
It was a wake-up call.
1471
01:18:41,469 --> 01:18:45,931
I've been this party guy for so long,
I don't even know who I am anymore.
1472
01:18:50,603 --> 01:18:56,108
Then maybe you're not supposed
to be only Bert.
1473
01:18:58,819 --> 01:19:00,488
Look what you did for Igor.
1474
01:19:01,739 --> 01:19:04,992
Your stupid drunk talk, it saved his life.
1475
01:19:06,827 --> 01:19:08,204
I don't follow.
1476
01:19:11,165 --> 01:19:14,376
We do not grow
by destroying part of ourselves.
1477
01:19:14,877 --> 01:19:17,630
We grow
by finding a balance between parts.
1478
01:19:18,881 --> 01:19:20,799
Balance like Steve Urkel.
1479
01:19:23,469 --> 01:19:24,553
Did you just say "Urkel"?
1480
01:19:24,553 --> 01:19:28,182
It's a reference to one of
my favorite American television shows.
1481
01:19:28,182 --> 01:19:29,600
Family Matters.
1482
01:19:29,600 --> 01:19:30,976
You know it?
1483
01:19:30,976 --> 01:19:34,104
Yeah. Wait. But wait.
What the fuck's Urkel got to do with this?
1484
01:19:34,104 --> 01:19:35,439
Oh!
1485
01:19:35,439 --> 01:19:38,776
In season five,
Steve Urkel takes this potion
1486
01:19:38,776 --> 01:19:43,113
that transforms him into Stefan Urquelle,
like, this cool version of him.
1487
01:19:43,113 --> 01:19:45,407
Everyone starts hating him,
but what does he do?
1488
01:19:45,407 --> 01:19:47,576
He doesn't surrender.
1489
01:19:47,576 --> 01:19:49,078
He improves his formula,
1490
01:19:49,078 --> 01:19:52,498
and in the end,
he gets best of both worlds.
1491
01:19:53,165 --> 01:19:55,626
You are the Machine and Bert.
1492
01:19:56,252 --> 01:19:57,920
You have both sides.
1493
01:19:57,920 --> 01:20:00,923
But now you need to balance.
1494
01:20:04,760 --> 01:20:05,594
I get it.
1495
01:20:06,637 --> 01:20:08,222
Goddamn it.
1496
01:20:09,014 --> 01:20:11,100
Can't believe I slept on Family Matters.
1497
01:20:11,100 --> 01:20:14,019
Oh, you should definitely watch it.
It's very good.
1498
01:20:16,146 --> 01:20:17,773
"Did I do that?"
1499
01:20:17,773 --> 01:20:19,650
He watched it.
1500
01:20:21,569 --> 01:20:24,697
When communists came,
politburo burned down the church
1501
01:20:24,697 --> 01:20:26,824
and build this factory.
1502
01:20:26,824 --> 01:20:29,952
When the communists leave, factory closed.
1503
01:20:29,952 --> 01:20:33,122
When I came to the village,
I helped them build this.
1504
01:20:33,122 --> 01:20:35,374
- You built this?
- No, no. Inside.
1505
01:20:41,505 --> 01:20:44,216
I took you here
because building this place,
1506
01:20:44,216 --> 01:20:46,260
feeling closer to God,
1507
01:20:46,260 --> 01:20:48,762
taught me how to forgive myself.
1508
01:20:48,762 --> 01:20:53,058
You know, for all the bad things
that I did, murders,
1509
01:20:53,642 --> 01:20:55,102
all those years ago.
1510
01:20:55,978 --> 01:20:59,648
Why do you think I hooked you up
with the train banditti?
1511
01:20:59,648 --> 01:21:01,567
I don't know.
To show them a good time?
1512
01:21:01,567 --> 01:21:03,485
Da. And?
1513
01:21:04,695 --> 01:21:06,780
To keep your class safe.
1514
01:21:07,698 --> 01:21:09,700
Train banditti are very dangerous.
1515
01:21:09,700 --> 01:21:11,869
They do terrible things to the passengers.
1516
01:21:11,869 --> 01:21:15,581
I introduced them to Machine
to distract them,
1517
01:21:15,581 --> 01:21:18,334
by doing what he always does.
1518
01:21:18,959 --> 01:21:21,420
Yeah. I robbed a lot of people, Igor.
1519
01:21:21,420 --> 01:21:22,671
So?
1520
01:21:23,213 --> 01:21:25,507
Was anyone hurt, killed?
1521
01:21:25,507 --> 01:21:27,926
You spit in a girl's face.
You were an asshole.
1522
01:21:27,926 --> 01:21:31,013
- But your class, they were safe
1523
01:21:31,013 --> 01:21:34,141
because you did exactly
what you're supposed to do,
1524
01:21:34,141 --> 01:21:37,227
by showing them good time,
making them laugh.
1525
01:21:37,227 --> 01:21:39,563
You protected those people.
1526
01:21:39,563 --> 01:21:42,858
That is what a man does.
1527
01:21:44,068 --> 01:21:45,235
Goddamn it.
1528
01:21:45,235 --> 01:21:47,488
Seems you're a good man, Bert.
1529
01:21:49,448 --> 01:21:51,533
- Thanks, Irina.
1530
01:21:51,533 --> 01:21:53,118
It's time to feed kids.
1531
01:21:53,118 --> 01:21:56,497
Holy shit! That's the watch! Oh!
1532
01:21:56,497 --> 01:21:57,790
My father's watch.
1533
01:22:03,962 --> 01:22:05,714
How do you have that?
1534
01:22:05,714 --> 01:22:08,384
You gave it to me when you left Russia.
1535
01:22:08,384 --> 01:22:10,803
You said it was thank you
for being a true friend.
1536
01:22:10,803 --> 01:22:12,846
You were very, very drunk.
1537
01:22:14,181 --> 01:22:15,683
I was embarrassed taking it,
1538
01:22:15,683 --> 01:22:18,018
but the words were nice,
so I just took it.
1539
01:22:18,018 --> 01:22:19,853
Sweet, drunk words.
1540
01:22:19,853 --> 01:22:20,938
God, yes.
1541
01:22:21,563 --> 01:22:22,898
Let's go, Bert.
1542
01:22:22,898 --> 01:22:24,733
I have an empire to claim.
1543
01:22:25,651 --> 01:22:27,569
I would pay
to listen to her talk during sex.
1544
01:22:27,569 --> 01:22:29,154
I would pay to have sex with her.
1545
01:22:29,154 --> 01:22:30,948
Sorry about your bathroom.
1546
01:22:30,948 --> 01:22:32,991
Thank you for taming the whore.
1547
01:22:32,991 --> 01:22:34,660
No, thank you.
1548
01:22:34,660 --> 01:22:36,328
I'll cherish these.
1549
01:22:36,328 --> 01:22:38,330
The fuck am I supposed to do
with a chicken?
1550
01:22:38,330 --> 01:22:41,500
Hey, Bert. I need to come clean.
1551
01:22:41,500 --> 01:22:44,002
After train, I talked to Fedor, and...
1552
01:22:44,753 --> 01:22:47,047
he gave me what you stole from class.
1553
01:22:47,047 --> 01:22:51,176
Then everyone go back to U.S.A.,
so I kept it to remember.
1554
01:22:51,176 --> 01:22:53,971
- Hold on. No way.
- Yeah.
1555
01:22:54,680 --> 01:22:55,723
Dude.
1556
01:22:55,723 --> 01:22:57,516
Hey, take it.
1557
01:22:57,516 --> 01:23:00,018
And go to Moscow and save your father.
1558
01:23:00,519 --> 01:23:03,772
If he's still alive.
He may have been tortured to death.
1559
01:23:05,566 --> 01:23:06,734
I think she's autistic.
1560
01:23:06,734 --> 01:23:07,693
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
1561
01:23:07,693 --> 01:23:11,113
Hey, man. Thank you for everything, man.
1562
01:23:11,113 --> 01:23:12,197
- No, no, no.
- No?
1563
01:23:12,197 --> 01:23:13,824
You've been a good-luck charm to me.
1564
01:23:13,824 --> 01:23:15,617
- My life changed the day I met you.
- Hey.
1565
01:23:15,617 --> 01:23:17,077
- Bert, thank you.
- No, thank you.
1566
01:23:17,077 --> 01:23:18,328
- No, thank you.
- No, thank you.
1567
01:23:19,580 --> 01:23:22,750
- God. I'll miss you, brother.
1568
01:23:22,750 --> 01:23:25,878
I'm gonna miss
these disgusting poor people.
1569
01:23:27,337 --> 01:23:30,090
So you just think it and say it?
You don't stop it at all, right?
1570
01:23:31,008 --> 01:23:32,426
Yes, basically.
1571
01:23:33,218 --> 01:23:35,554
- Never met someone like myself before.
- Yeah.
1572
01:23:35,554 --> 01:23:38,640
♪ Hey, man ♪
1573
01:23:38,640 --> 01:23:40,934
MOSCOW
1574
01:23:40,934 --> 01:23:44,772
♪ Nice gun ♪
1575
01:23:46,273 --> 01:23:51,069
♪ Hey, man ♪
1576
01:23:51,820 --> 01:23:55,616
♪ Have fun ♪
1577
01:23:57,159 --> 01:24:01,330
♪ Hey, man ♪
1578
01:24:02,706 --> 01:24:06,502
♪ Have fun ♪
1579
01:24:06,502 --> 01:24:08,170
♪ Nice shot, man ♪
1580
01:24:10,422 --> 01:24:12,257
So I keep having this recurring dream
1581
01:24:12,257 --> 01:24:13,926
where Dolly Parton throws me her pick,
1582
01:24:13,926 --> 01:24:16,094
calls me on-stage
and wants me to jam with her.
1583
01:24:16,094 --> 01:24:17,179
I'm freaking shredding,
1584
01:24:17,179 --> 01:24:19,681
but my fingers turn into spiders
and my teeth fall out.
1585
01:24:19,681 --> 01:24:22,726
Pretty sure it's my heart medication
having a reaction with my sleeping pill.
1586
01:24:22,726 --> 01:24:24,311
But, hey, it's better than doing acid,
1587
01:24:24,311 --> 01:24:26,688
and kind of the highlight of my day
at this point.
1588
01:24:27,189 --> 01:24:30,067
- It's sad but true.
- What the fuck is going on in here?
1589
01:24:30,776 --> 01:24:32,069
Oh, hi, son.
1590
01:24:35,155 --> 01:24:36,240
You two are buds now?
1591
01:24:38,408 --> 01:24:40,702
Dad, why are you talking all fast
like you're on speed or something?
1592
01:24:40,702 --> 01:24:44,456
'Cause I'm on speed.
And it is so, so, so, so great.
1593
01:24:44,456 --> 01:24:47,000
Oh! More drugs.
1594
01:24:47,000 --> 01:24:48,210
Ooh.
1595
01:24:48,210 --> 01:24:50,796
Ooh! Oh.
1596
01:24:50,796 --> 01:24:51,964
Look at me.
1597
01:24:51,964 --> 01:24:54,132
I'm Molly Parton!
1598
01:24:57,427 --> 01:24:58,929
You see what I did there?
1599
01:25:00,681 --> 01:25:02,850
Irina. You're alive.
1600
01:25:03,559 --> 01:25:06,728
- Super.
- Yes, asshole, I am alive.
1601
01:25:06,728 --> 01:25:11,316
I brought the Machine,
and I even have the watch.
1602
01:25:11,316 --> 01:25:14,236
So suck my dick.
1603
01:25:14,236 --> 01:25:16,446
- Thanks.
- Fuck you, Sponge!
1604
01:25:16,446 --> 01:25:18,323
No, fuck you.
1605
01:25:18,323 --> 01:25:19,741
He pay me.
1606
01:25:20,742 --> 01:25:21,785
You hit me.
1607
01:25:22,286 --> 01:25:24,162
I should have left you in that gulag,
1608
01:25:24,162 --> 01:25:26,290
with those doctors poking
and prodding you.
1609
01:25:26,290 --> 01:25:29,042
I would string you up by your balls.
1610
01:25:40,095 --> 01:25:41,096
Machine.
1611
01:25:44,057 --> 01:25:45,267
I must say,
1612
01:25:46,435 --> 01:25:48,020
your dad is so fun.
1613
01:25:48,562 --> 01:25:51,023
He is the original Machine.
1614
01:25:52,274 --> 01:25:53,483
I'm the prototype.
1615
01:25:53,483 --> 01:25:55,402
He has been partying with us.
1616
01:25:55,402 --> 01:25:59,197
Now, your mom was more of
a kind of missionary kind of gal,
1617
01:25:59,197 --> 01:26:02,117
but Annika... Oh, ho!
1618
01:26:02,117 --> 01:26:05,787
- She's got the cushion for the Pushkin.
1619
01:26:06,496 --> 01:26:08,248
Oh, Dad, please stop.
1620
01:26:08,248 --> 01:26:12,377
See, your dad has spent
so long looking after you,
1621
01:26:12,377 --> 01:26:14,421
he never got a chance
to have fun on his own.
1622
01:26:15,464 --> 01:26:16,548
Oh, ho!
1623
01:26:16,548 --> 01:26:18,717
What a load of horseshit that is.
1624
01:26:18,717 --> 01:26:21,887
Those Dolly Parton tickets
he was just bragging about? Front row?
1625
01:26:21,887 --> 01:26:23,764
Who do you think bought them for him?
1626
01:26:23,764 --> 01:26:26,183
And to think I thought
I was finally understanding you.
1627
01:26:26,183 --> 01:26:29,353
I found your fucking knife.
Yeah, you want this piece of shit?
1628
01:26:29,353 --> 01:26:31,188
When he kicked me off the train,
1629
01:26:31,188 --> 01:26:32,981
I thought, "Maybe he's trying
to keep me safe,
1630
01:26:32,981 --> 01:26:35,025
protect me or has a plan."
1631
01:26:35,025 --> 01:26:38,070
But no plan. No fucking plan.
1632
01:26:38,070 --> 01:26:40,072
You're just a big old dick!
1633
01:26:40,948 --> 01:26:44,493
I may have let you down in this world.
You've pointed that out a lot.
1634
01:26:44,493 --> 01:26:47,621
But you know what, Dad?
You have let me down.
1635
01:26:47,621 --> 01:26:49,581
Just like I let Sasha down.
1636
01:26:50,207 --> 01:26:53,126
I can't believe I thought
you were here to take care of me.
1637
01:26:53,126 --> 01:26:55,712
Dad, take a fucking look around.
1638
01:26:55,712 --> 01:26:57,214
You let me down!
1639
01:26:59,591 --> 01:27:00,884
Son.
1640
01:27:01,510 --> 01:27:04,137
I will always take care of you.
1641
01:27:06,515 --> 01:27:07,516
What?
1642
01:27:08,558 --> 01:27:12,020
You people threatened my granddaughter,
1643
01:27:12,688 --> 01:27:14,481
you kidnapped my son,
1644
01:27:14,481 --> 01:27:18,402
and made me do a lot of amazing drugs.
1645
01:27:18,402 --> 01:27:22,114
And this is how we say thank you
in Florida.
1646
01:27:24,783 --> 01:27:26,743
Holy shit!
1647
01:27:30,163 --> 01:27:31,873
Motherfucking Eagle Scout.
1648
01:27:31,873 --> 01:27:33,750
Oh, fuck!
1649
01:27:33,750 --> 01:27:36,378
You have amazing tits!
1650
01:27:36,378 --> 01:27:38,422
- Oh, shit!
1651
01:27:38,422 --> 01:27:39,881
I got the doors!
1652
01:27:40,757 --> 01:27:41,591
God!
1653
01:27:48,974 --> 01:27:50,392
I thought you were nonviolent.
1654
01:27:50,392 --> 01:27:52,936
I am! But I also love my son!
1655
01:27:52,936 --> 01:27:54,855
I knew you'd survive
falling off that train
1656
01:27:54,855 --> 01:27:57,607
because of your big old boobies
and protective layers of fat.
1657
01:27:58,316 --> 01:28:00,027
Oh, my God, you're so high right now.
1658
01:28:00,027 --> 01:28:03,155
I am so high. I am so high!
1659
01:28:03,155 --> 01:28:06,408
Idiots, stop talking and run.
I'll find the watch.
1660
01:28:06,950 --> 01:28:08,493
Come on, come on, come on.
1661
01:28:09,578 --> 01:28:11,496
Shit. Let's go, Keith Richards.
1662
01:28:12,205 --> 01:28:13,623
Dad, come on! Stop lollygagging!
1663
01:28:16,835 --> 01:28:18,920
God. All right.
Have a great night, everybody.
1664
01:28:18,920 --> 01:28:20,380
Ooh, you're dropping your money.
1665
01:28:20,380 --> 01:28:22,507
Don't drink and drive.
Grab a T-shirt on your way out.
1666
01:28:22,507 --> 01:28:25,761
All right, have a good one.
Oh, here we go. The last ones out.
1667
01:28:25,761 --> 01:28:27,888
Sorry for the gunfire, everybody.
Have a great night.
1668
01:28:27,888 --> 01:28:29,806
Take care. Thank you very much.
1669
01:28:30,891 --> 01:28:33,101
All right, Dad. We're good.
1670
01:28:33,101 --> 01:28:35,604
Now, listen, I need you to use
this drug energy for good.
1671
01:28:35,604 --> 01:28:37,147
All right? Like Charlie Sheen did.
1672
01:28:37,647 --> 01:28:39,566
Oh, shit. Dad, get down.
1673
01:29:08,386 --> 01:29:09,221
- Bert.
- Shh!
1674
01:29:09,221 --> 01:29:10,722
- I lied.
- Stop talking.
1675
01:29:10,722 --> 01:29:11,890
Come on, let's go.
1676
01:29:12,933 --> 01:29:15,477
Look at me. I think I failed you as a dad.
1677
01:29:15,477 --> 01:29:17,896
- Dad, be quiet.
- I can't.
1678
01:29:17,896 --> 01:29:21,149
I'm feeling so many feelings,
and I need to tell you about them.
1679
01:29:22,192 --> 01:29:23,360
Bert?
1680
01:29:23,360 --> 01:29:24,486
- Bert?
- What?
1681
01:29:25,278 --> 01:29:26,696
I need to say this.
1682
01:29:26,696 --> 01:29:29,741
Instead of accepting you,
I criticized you.
1683
01:29:29,741 --> 01:29:32,452
But it was only because
I wanted to keep you safe.
1684
01:29:32,452 --> 01:29:34,371
Why have you never told me this?
1685
01:29:34,371 --> 01:29:35,705
I don't know. It's...
1686
01:29:35,705 --> 01:29:39,751
Vulnerability is scary,
and opening up is hard.
1687
01:29:40,627 --> 01:29:42,921
- What drugs did they give you?
- Well, well, it was...
1688
01:29:42,921 --> 01:29:44,464
Okay, come on. Let's go. Let's go.
1689
01:29:44,464 --> 01:29:46,800
One was yellow,
but I don't know what it was.
1690
01:29:49,344 --> 01:29:51,429
- Bert.
- Dad, shut the fuck up.
1691
01:29:51,429 --> 01:29:52,806
This is important.
1692
01:29:55,684 --> 01:29:57,894
- All dads mess up, Bert.
1693
01:29:58,645 --> 01:30:00,522
But the good ones, we--
1694
01:30:01,648 --> 01:30:03,275
We try to do better.
1695
01:30:05,402 --> 01:30:08,113
I guess sometimes it just...
1696
01:30:09,281 --> 01:30:10,740
takes us a while.
1697
01:30:11,366 --> 01:30:12,993
You're my boy, Bert.
1698
01:30:15,203 --> 01:30:16,872
Don't ever forget that.
1699
01:30:17,539 --> 01:30:19,040
You'll always...
1700
01:30:19,833 --> 01:30:21,334
be my boy.
1701
01:30:28,300 --> 01:30:29,551
This is nice, Dad.
1702
01:30:30,177 --> 01:30:33,013
You should do drugs more often.
Look at us.
1703
01:30:33,013 --> 01:30:34,890
We're finally working through our shit.
1704
01:30:39,394 --> 01:30:40,687
Dad, let's go!
1705
01:30:41,938 --> 01:30:43,023
Goddamn!
1706
01:30:43,023 --> 01:30:45,400
I just wish it had happened
before we were about to die!
1707
01:30:45,400 --> 01:30:47,402
No, we're not gonna die.
1708
01:30:47,944 --> 01:30:48,778
Here.
1709
01:30:49,946 --> 01:30:52,991
You have always succeeded
by being exactly you.
1710
01:30:52,991 --> 01:30:54,868
Now, take off that shirt
1711
01:30:54,868 --> 01:30:58,538
and show those SOBs who you really are.
1712
01:31:02,292 --> 01:31:03,293
Hey!
1713
01:31:09,341 --> 01:31:10,175
Fuck.
1714
01:31:30,070 --> 01:31:32,656
THE MACHINE
1715
01:31:36,243 --> 01:31:39,496
Now you gotta party with me.
1716
01:31:40,121 --> 01:31:41,414
Who the fuck are you?
1717
01:31:41,414 --> 01:31:44,793
He's the motherfucking Machine!
1718
01:31:51,341 --> 01:31:52,425
Oh, shit.
1719
01:31:54,094 --> 01:31:57,055
I'm bulletproof, baby! Yeah!
1720
01:31:57,055 --> 01:31:58,723
Come on! Yeah!
1721
01:32:03,645 --> 01:32:05,647
Suck my dick, Captain America.
1722
01:32:11,278 --> 01:32:12,279
Machina!
1723
01:32:29,254 --> 01:32:31,131
What are you gonna do with a stick?
Come on.
1724
01:32:31,131 --> 01:32:34,384
♪ More human than human... ♪
1725
01:32:34,384 --> 01:32:35,927
I got your stick now.
1726
01:32:44,602 --> 01:32:45,854
Oh!
1727
01:32:49,816 --> 01:32:50,692
Not too bad.
1728
01:32:50,692 --> 01:32:51,985
Oh!
1729
01:32:57,365 --> 01:32:59,075
- Dad, put your hands down.
1730
01:32:59,075 --> 01:33:00,744
Get down now! Come on!
1731
01:33:00,744 --> 01:33:03,079
God, I'm so strong!
1732
01:33:05,123 --> 01:33:06,708
Here we go. Dad, Dad. Down, down.
1733
01:33:08,376 --> 01:33:09,794
Help me fuck up Lenin.
1734
01:33:09,794 --> 01:33:10,962
- Let's do it.
- Come on!
1735
01:33:18,845 --> 01:33:20,722
- Oh!
- Oh!
1736
01:33:20,722 --> 01:33:22,432
Take that, communist!
1737
01:33:22,432 --> 01:33:24,517
Hey. Eagle Scout.
1738
01:33:25,060 --> 01:33:27,562
We have a rematch.
1739
01:33:34,152 --> 01:33:35,904
- Hammer, Dad.
- Here.
1740
01:33:40,825 --> 01:33:43,119
♪ More human than human ♪
1741
01:33:43,119 --> 01:33:45,455
Oh, titty boy.
1742
01:33:49,292 --> 01:33:50,710
I got you, son!
1743
01:33:52,587 --> 01:33:54,839
Dad! Dad!
1744
01:33:54,839 --> 01:33:56,758
Sorry, old man.
1745
01:34:04,974 --> 01:34:06,518
Absorb that, Sponge.
1746
01:34:08,186 --> 01:34:10,605
Oh, shit. Dad. Get off!
1747
01:34:10,605 --> 01:34:12,357
Are you okay? You okay?
1748
01:34:12,357 --> 01:34:15,110
I-- I saved you.
1749
01:34:15,693 --> 01:34:16,820
Yeah, you did.
1750
01:34:18,113 --> 01:34:19,030
Oh, shit.
1751
01:34:19,030 --> 01:34:22,283
Come here! Come on, Dad, let's walk.
Oh, shit. Shit. Let me see.
1752
01:34:23,118 --> 01:34:25,954
- You... are nothing...
1753
01:34:29,999 --> 01:34:34,087
but an ignorant, fat American
who has no respect.
1754
01:34:34,087 --> 01:34:36,923
Our father earned our respect.
1755
01:34:40,552 --> 01:34:41,845
Your father...
1756
01:34:42,846 --> 01:34:44,305
sells carpets.
1757
01:34:45,890 --> 01:34:50,687
I think I will make him
watch you die, Machine.
1758
01:34:53,398 --> 01:34:54,899
My name's not Machine.
1759
01:34:59,279 --> 01:35:02,490
My name is Albert Charles Kreischer III,
1760
01:35:02,490 --> 01:35:05,118
son to Albert Charles Kreischer Jr.,
1761
01:35:05,118 --> 01:35:08,079
owner and operator of Kreischer Karpets,
1762
01:35:08,079 --> 01:35:11,416
the best goddamn carpets
you can find in Southwest Florida!
1763
01:35:11,416 --> 01:35:14,002
Three convenient locations.
1764
01:35:14,002 --> 01:35:15,587
Tell him, Dad!
1765
01:35:15,587 --> 01:35:18,882
And if I ever see
your albino-looking ass again,
1766
01:35:18,882 --> 01:35:20,592
I'm gonna whip it quick as a bitch.
1767
01:35:20,592 --> 01:35:23,011
And last, but surely not least,
1768
01:35:23,011 --> 01:35:25,263
I'm gonna need that knife back.
That's a family heirloom.
1769
01:35:25,847 --> 01:35:26,764
Hm.
1770
01:35:27,849 --> 01:35:30,018
- You want knife?
- Oh, yeah.
1771
01:35:32,854 --> 01:35:34,898
Oh, I wouldn't--
I wouldn't do it that way, though.
1772
01:35:35,815 --> 01:35:36,983
Uh-oh.
1773
01:35:38,818 --> 01:35:41,488
I would have someone help you.
Oh, God. It's--
1774
01:35:41,488 --> 01:35:44,324
Oh, my Jesus. That's how Steve Irwin died.
1775
01:35:52,207 --> 01:35:54,918
Oh, my God.
1776
01:35:55,877 --> 01:35:58,671
You work out every day? That's--
Looks like an everyday thing.
1777
01:35:58,671 --> 01:36:00,965
- Enough talk.
- All right, yep.
1778
01:36:03,176 --> 01:36:04,969
Oh. So now's when we bang, huh?
1779
01:36:47,762 --> 01:36:49,055
Okay, here we go.
1780
01:36:58,731 --> 01:37:00,316
So you can fight.
1781
01:37:01,109 --> 01:37:02,402
I went to Florida State.
1782
01:37:03,027 --> 01:37:05,405
All we know how to do is fight,
fuck, and drink.
1783
01:37:05,989 --> 01:37:07,657
And I can't fuck worth shit.
1784
01:37:33,182 --> 01:37:35,268
Oh. I just got that crown.
1785
01:37:42,692 --> 01:37:45,153
Would you like to know
why I hate you, Machine?
1786
01:37:45,153 --> 01:37:47,071
Oh, I'm dying to know.
1787
01:37:47,071 --> 01:37:51,743
All my life, men were measured
against your stupid legend.
1788
01:37:54,037 --> 01:37:55,413
"The best."
1789
01:37:56,372 --> 01:37:57,832
"The man's man."
1790
01:37:58,458 --> 01:37:59,876
I say, fuck that!
1791
01:38:01,252 --> 01:38:03,504
So I worked
to make myself better than you.
1792
01:38:04,213 --> 01:38:05,923
Stronger than you.
1793
01:38:05,923 --> 01:38:07,800
Look at you now, Machine.
1794
01:38:07,800 --> 01:38:09,302
You are nothing.
1795
01:38:13,806 --> 01:38:16,476
So dramatic, Alexei.
1796
01:38:16,476 --> 01:38:18,478
All these fucking speeches.
1797
01:38:22,649 --> 01:38:23,650
Irina.
1798
01:38:23,650 --> 01:38:27,654
Typical macho bullshit.
1799
01:38:29,530 --> 01:38:32,325
- Oh, Dad!
- Whoa, whoa, my arm!
1800
01:38:32,325 --> 01:38:34,661
- Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry.
- Son...
1801
01:38:35,578 --> 01:38:37,580
you didn't show fear.
1802
01:39:03,815 --> 01:39:04,774
Enough!
1803
01:39:19,038 --> 01:39:21,833
Is this how I raised you?
1804
01:39:30,425 --> 01:39:31,634
Your watch, Papa.
1805
01:39:41,144 --> 01:39:43,521
I brought it here to return it to you.
1806
01:39:51,195 --> 01:39:52,321
So...
1807
01:39:56,033 --> 01:39:58,119
it's clear that I have won.
1808
01:40:00,455 --> 01:40:04,333
Oh, Irina. My beautiful daughter.
1809
01:40:05,042 --> 01:40:07,253
You want to take over?
1810
01:40:07,253 --> 01:40:10,423
You cannot even kill brother.
1811
01:40:10,423 --> 01:40:13,551
You become friends with idiot.
1812
01:40:14,177 --> 01:40:16,721
I would never give this to you.
1813
01:40:18,181 --> 01:40:20,433
Actually, can I step in for a second?
1814
01:40:21,684 --> 01:40:24,395
I think you guys should talk it out.
Now, me and my dad...
1815
01:40:25,354 --> 01:40:27,648
- This is Russia.
- Okay, okay.
1816
01:40:27,648 --> 01:40:31,402
We don't do your weak,
America, lovey-huggy shit.
1817
01:40:33,529 --> 01:40:36,991
Hugs are for pussies.
1818
01:40:37,575 --> 01:40:39,118
Well, that explains a lot.
1819
01:40:43,206 --> 01:40:46,083
Alexei understands.
1820
01:40:47,168 --> 01:40:50,254
It is why he will run family.
1821
01:40:51,047 --> 01:40:52,548
You are weak.
1822
01:40:52,548 --> 01:40:54,801
A leader must be a wolf.
1823
01:40:56,552 --> 01:40:59,597
Kill or be killed.
1824
01:40:59,597 --> 01:41:01,599
If you do not like it,
1825
01:41:02,975 --> 01:41:05,311
take it up with God.
1826
01:41:07,313 --> 01:41:08,773
But you first.
1827
01:41:32,338 --> 01:41:34,131
Did I do that?
1828
01:41:36,801 --> 01:41:40,513
I am definitely watching
Family Matters when we get home.
1829
01:42:03,202 --> 01:42:04,996
Look at that! Look at that! Look at that!
1830
01:42:06,956 --> 01:42:10,126
Irina, we can work together.
1831
01:42:10,126 --> 01:42:11,335
I am your brother.
1832
01:42:11,335 --> 01:42:12,837
Shut the fuck up!
1833
01:42:17,925 --> 01:42:20,261
Take him to our family dacha
while I decide
1834
01:42:20,261 --> 01:42:22,972
which part of him to cut off
for his insolence.
1835
01:42:24,265 --> 01:42:26,475
Fuck you, bitch. This is Russia.
1836
01:42:26,475 --> 01:42:30,062
- Machine, I will kill you someday!
1837
01:42:30,062 --> 01:42:32,023
- I don't think so.
- I will come for you!
1838
01:42:32,023 --> 01:42:34,108
- I don't know about that.
- Machine!
1839
01:42:34,108 --> 01:42:36,277
- I can't hear you.
- I will come for you!
1840
01:42:36,277 --> 01:42:38,738
Whoo! Go, me! Right?
1841
01:42:38,738 --> 01:42:39,906
That was awesome!
1842
01:42:39,906 --> 01:42:41,949
Thank you, Bert. You inspired me.
1843
01:42:41,949 --> 01:42:42,867
Wait, how?
1844
01:42:42,867 --> 01:42:45,244
When you said you're going
to kill your dad at Igor's house.
1845
01:42:45,244 --> 01:42:48,456
- You said you were gonna kill me?
- Well, yeah. You kicked me off a train.
1846
01:42:48,456 --> 01:42:51,042
Now go, before police shows up.
1847
01:42:51,626 --> 01:42:52,710
- And, Bert.
- Yeah?
1848
01:42:52,710 --> 01:42:54,253
Your daughter is sweet.
1849
01:42:54,253 --> 01:42:56,881
My DJ friend tells me she's a good girl.
1850
01:42:56,881 --> 01:42:59,842
- Some drugs. But smoke, not snort.
- Okay.
1851
01:42:59,842 --> 01:43:01,594
- Good girl.
- Yeah.
1852
01:43:07,183 --> 01:43:08,392
You're a good dad.
1853
01:43:08,392 --> 01:43:09,727
Keep it up.
1854
01:43:10,269 --> 01:43:13,439
Or else your daughter may kill you.
1855
01:43:13,439 --> 01:43:15,608
Oh...
1856
01:43:17,068 --> 01:43:18,152
Thanks, Irina.
1857
01:43:19,570 --> 01:43:21,238
See you around, pussy boy.
1858
01:43:39,799 --> 01:43:42,093
Hey, deuces. Bye.
1859
01:43:42,093 --> 01:43:43,177
Bye, girl.
1860
01:43:46,931 --> 01:43:48,766
- Dad?
- Keep it, sir. Thank you.
1861
01:43:48,766 --> 01:43:51,352
- Dad, look. Mom said that...
- Oh, my gosh!
1862
01:43:51,352 --> 01:43:53,062
- There she is! Come here!
- What?
1863
01:43:53,062 --> 01:43:54,689
Oh, my God, I love you.
1864
01:43:54,689 --> 01:43:57,692
I am so sorry. You are a fantastic kid.
1865
01:43:58,985 --> 01:44:01,779
No, look. I'm really sorry.
I was really mean at the party.
1866
01:44:02,863 --> 01:44:05,199
Look at us. We're apologizing.
1867
01:44:05,199 --> 01:44:07,118
I should be kidnapped to Russia
once a year
1868
01:44:07,118 --> 01:44:09,620
- just to make this happen, right?
- What?
1869
01:44:09,620 --> 01:44:11,205
Oh, there's the smile.
1870
01:44:11,205 --> 01:44:13,499
You did that smile
when you were a little girl.
1871
01:44:13,499 --> 01:44:15,292
You're still my little girl.
1872
01:44:16,711 --> 01:44:18,629
Oh! And there's my woman.
1873
01:44:18,629 --> 01:44:21,674
Oh, well, well.
It's nice to see you two back.
1874
01:44:21,674 --> 01:44:24,135
I hope you worked out
your shit finally be--
1875
01:44:28,097 --> 01:44:28,973
Mmm.
1876
01:44:30,391 --> 01:44:31,392
Wow.
1877
01:44:32,393 --> 01:44:33,519
The fuck are you wearing?
1878
01:44:33,519 --> 01:44:36,689
- Oh, my God, what is that smell?
- Okay, these are clothes.
1879
01:44:36,689 --> 01:44:38,232
I do not know what that smell is.
1880
01:44:38,232 --> 01:44:39,817
- Did you go to Vegas?
- I did not go to Vegas.
1881
01:44:39,817 --> 01:44:41,777
- Where's your dad?
- Dad's in Florida.
1882
01:44:41,777 --> 01:44:44,321
He's got a doctor buddy he plays golf with
who doesn't ask any questions.
1883
01:44:44,321 --> 01:44:46,115
We could all use one of those,
right, guys? Am I kidding?
1884
01:44:46,115 --> 01:44:48,743
- Dad! Hey!
- Oh, there she is!
1885
01:44:48,743 --> 01:44:50,202
From the top rope!
1886
01:44:50,202 --> 01:44:51,954
Oh, my gosh!
1887
01:44:51,954 --> 01:44:53,873
Oh, I love you! My favorite daughter!
1888
01:44:53,873 --> 01:44:55,583
- Just kidding. I'm not kidding.
- Hey.
1889
01:44:55,583 --> 01:44:57,793
I can't wait till you get kidnapped.
1890
01:44:58,961 --> 01:45:01,172
- What?
- Guys, Dad's back!
1891
01:45:01,172 --> 01:45:03,382
Dad's back! It's old-school Dad!
1892
01:45:03,382 --> 01:45:04,717
How was your week?
1893
01:45:05,259 --> 01:45:07,344
Oof. Complicated.
1894
01:45:07,344 --> 01:45:10,556
Dear Ashley, are you still hot? I'm not.
1895
01:45:10,556 --> 01:45:12,725
I don't expect you to forgive me,
1896
01:45:12,725 --> 01:45:15,019
but I wanted to keep my promise.
1897
01:45:15,019 --> 01:45:17,730
Gifts are an important aspect
of Russian life.
1898
01:45:17,730 --> 01:45:19,732
So are apologies.
1899
01:45:19,732 --> 01:45:21,275
This is mine.
1900
01:45:21,984 --> 01:45:24,737
Last week,
the subject of your father came up,
1901
01:45:24,737 --> 01:45:26,739
and I thought we could explore that.
1902
01:45:27,740 --> 01:45:29,408
Jesus Christ, Dad. That Annika girl.
1903
01:45:29,408 --> 01:45:32,703
- Did you wear condoms?
- Oh, oh, oh. Will you stop? Stop.
1904
01:45:32,703 --> 01:45:34,288
- I'm just saying.
- I don't want to hear it again.
1905
01:45:34,288 --> 01:45:35,956
Please put that down the memory hole.
1906
01:45:35,956 --> 01:45:37,166
I can't, Dad.
1907
01:45:37,166 --> 01:45:39,502
Since when do you have
such a razor-sharp memory?
1908
01:45:39,502 --> 01:45:40,419
What happened--
1909
01:45:40,419 --> 01:45:42,880
When you say things like,
"Your mom is a missionary woman."
1910
01:45:42,880 --> 01:45:44,090
Oh, no!
1911
01:45:44,090 --> 01:45:45,925
Nah, we're good.
1912
01:45:46,634 --> 01:45:47,635
You and your father?
1913
01:45:47,635 --> 01:45:50,304
Yeah. We're thick as thieves.
Butch and Sundance.
1914
01:45:50,304 --> 01:45:51,388
- Really?
- Yeah.
1915
01:45:52,431 --> 01:45:55,810
Well, if you don't mind,
can I ask how that resolved itself?
1916
01:45:55,810 --> 01:45:57,978
You can ask, but I don't think
you're gonna believe me.
1917
01:45:57,978 --> 01:45:59,647
Well, humor me.
1918
01:46:00,815 --> 01:46:01,816
Hm...
1919
01:46:03,275 --> 01:46:04,276
All right.
1920
01:46:05,444 --> 01:46:08,072
When I was 48 years old,
I got involved with the Russian mafia.
1921
01:46:08,072 --> 01:46:09,323
Here's how it happened.
1922
01:46:10,407 --> 01:46:14,995
♪ Father of mine
Tell me where have you been ♪
1923
01:46:14,995 --> 01:46:20,251
♪ You know I just closed my eyes
My whole world disappeared ♪
1924
01:46:20,251 --> 01:46:24,880
♪ Father of mine
Take me back to the day ♪
1925
01:46:24,880 --> 01:46:29,885
♪ Yeah, when I was still your golden boy
Back before you went away ♪
1926
01:46:29,885 --> 01:46:34,849
♪ I remember blue skies
Walking the block ♪
1927
01:46:34,849 --> 01:46:39,728
♪ I loved it when you held me high
I loved to hear you talk ♪
1928
01:46:39,728 --> 01:46:44,692
♪ You would take me to the movies
You would take me to the beach ♪
1929
01:46:44,692 --> 01:46:49,530
♪ You would take me to a place inside
That is so hard to reach ♪
1930
01:46:58,873 --> 01:47:00,082
What's up, Florida?
1931
01:47:00,082 --> 01:47:01,458
It's your boy, Bert Kreischer.
1932
01:47:01,458 --> 01:47:03,002
The Machine.
1933
01:47:03,002 --> 01:47:04,461
I love three things:
1934
01:47:04,461 --> 01:47:05,921
- Having a great time...
- Yeah!
1935
01:47:05,921 --> 01:47:07,756
...making sure
other people have a great time,
1936
01:47:07,756 --> 01:47:08,924
and quality carpets
1937
01:47:08,924 --> 01:47:11,218
- delivered at a reasonable price.
- Oh, yeah!
1938
01:47:11,218 --> 01:47:13,262
That's why,
if you're looking for some acrylic,
1939
01:47:13,262 --> 01:47:16,557
wool, plush, saxony, or level loop...
1940
01:47:16,557 --> 01:47:18,142
None of that nylon shit.
1941
01:47:18,142 --> 01:47:20,477
...you need to find your way
to a Kreischer Karpets.
1942
01:47:20,477 --> 01:47:22,897
It's my dad's business,
and he's right here.
1943
01:47:22,897 --> 01:47:24,148
Say hi, Dad.
1944
01:47:24,857 --> 01:47:27,860
Hey, son. You can't say a swear on TV.
1945
01:47:27,860 --> 01:47:30,738
The best goddamn carpets
in Southwest Florida.
1946
01:47:30,738 --> 01:47:33,908
That's Kreischer Karpets,
spelled weirdly with a K.
1947
01:47:33,908 --> 01:47:35,075
Take it off, Dad.
1948
01:47:35,868 --> 01:47:37,203
Okay, fine.
1949
01:47:40,581 --> 01:47:43,500
Did we mention we have
three convenient locations?
140531
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