All language subtitles for The.Machine.2023.1080p.AMZN.WEBRip.1400MB.DD5.1.x264-GalaxyRG

When I was 22,

I got involved
with the Russian mafia.

Here's how it happened.

I went to school
at Florida State.

I was not a very good student.

This is how bad I was.

I signed up for
a Russian class one time

thinking it was Spanish.

And it took me three classes
before I realized,

"I don't think
this is Spanish."

So, I took Russian One,
Two, Three and Four,

never learned a fucking word.

The end of Russian Four,
same teacher pulls me aside.

She's like, "Yo, we're taking
a trip to Russia.

If you go, you'll get a minor."

I was like, "Strasvutsia,
bitches, I'm back!"

We went to Russia.
The Russian mob ran everything.

And they told us that
our first night.

I'm in the back
of the class like,

"This trip just got
fucking awesome."

Then, like, in exchange
for our money,

they gave us
two young gangsters.

The word for that in Russian
is "banditti."

So, I ended up
befriending the banditti.

Then, one night,
the whole class is taking

an overnight train trip
to Moscow.

We rolled to the bar car

like a big dick
in a locker room.

Just-- not that I've ever been
that guy, but I've seen it.

So, the banditti says to me,

"Don't worry. When it gets
dark, we have good time."

I'm like, "What are
we doing when it gets dark?"

Reaches into his pocket,
pulls a ring of keys out.

He goes, "We're robbing
the whole fucking train."

Now...

I'm a good per--
I'm an okay person.

My point is,
we fucking robbed them.

We robbed the whole train,
and then we drank hard as shit.

Pulled in to Moscow
at 6:00 a.m.

- hammered, piss drunk.
- Train stops.

My whole class,
they're in their pajamas.

They're upset.
They've been robbed. I get it.

I'm the Machine!

They look at me and look at
each other and they're like,

"Fuck it! He's the Machine!"

♪ I thought I saw a man
brought to life ♪

♪ He was warm, he came around ♪

♪ Like he was dignified ♪

♪ He showed me
what it was to cry ♪

♪ Well, you couldn't be
that one I adored ♪

♪ You don't seem to know ♪

♪ Seem to care
what your heart is for ♪

♪ But I don't know you
anymore ♪

♪ There's nothing
where he used to lie ♪

♪ Our conversation
has run dry ♪

♪ That's what's going on ♪

♪ Nothing's right, I'm torn ♪

♪ I'm all out of faith ♪

♪ This is how I feel ♪

♪ I'm cold and I am shamed ♪

♪ Lying naked on the floor ♪

♪ Illusion never changed ♪

♪ Into something real ♪

♪ I'm wide awake ♪

♪ And I can see
the perfect sky is torn ♪

♪ You're a little late ♪

♪ I'm already torn ♪

♪ I'm already torn ♪

♪ I'm already torn ♪

♪ I'm already torn. ♪

Okay.

So, Bert, how we doing today?

I feel fantastic.

I'm eating clean.
I'm working out.

Blood pressure's down.

No more partying.

I haven't called anyone
in this room the C-word

in almost three months, huh?

He's never called Tat
a C-word.

Oh, she's never
acted like a C-word.

Thanks, Dad.

So Mom and I act like C-words?

You'd be shocked.

Wait. Just leave it there.

Mom! Mom?

Okay. Okay.
Mom. Mom.

I'm still waiting.
All right!

That's not fair.

Bert,
why are we here?

Well, I wanted you guys to see
the progress that I've made.

T-To see how far I've come.

But personal growth
isn't something

that you need to point out.

Progress is something
that your family

should be noticing
on their own.

Bro, that's why they're here,
to notice it.

Hey, if you're not on my team,
shut the fuck up, okay?

Okay, no.

Has Bert ever talked about
his father?

No.
This has absolutely nothing

to do with my father.
Huh.

I had an incident
with my daughter.

An incident.

That was caused by my lifestyle
and my behavior.

And I am taking actions
to course-correct.

And you should know

that he sounds just like his
father when he talks like that.

Hold on.
Yes.

My father
doesn't understand me.

Same.
Not same. Not same.

My father's
always correcting me.

Same, same.
Not same, same!

Your relationship with me
is totally different

than my relationship with Papa.

Okay, girls, please,
can you wait outside?

Perfect. Come on, Tat.

Deuces.

So, you can see
what's going on here?

Yeah. You just saw that, right?

Yes.

Um...

Wait. You're talking about me?

Oh, yes.

Oh, fuck off.

Fuck off? Fuck you! Fuck off!

Oh, I didn't say it like,
"Fuck off!" I said, "Fuck off."

You do not tell me
"fuck off."

It's my therapy. I can say
whatever I want, right?

Actually, you can't.
No, like, you signed an oath!

Hey! I am going to allow
the two of you

to talk about his issues
with his father.

Deuces, Bert.

You know the C-word's
"cunt," right?

Okay. Here we go.

Okay. One last push.

You can get it all in.

Get it all in. We got it.

It's gonna-- getting it in!

15 minutes! 15...

Hey, babe! Look who's up!

Babe, 96 workouts in a row,

and I still feel like
I'm sweating out toxins.

It still smells

like your skin is pissing.
Two more.

One more. Nice.

Oh.

Hey.

Do you think people are
gonna think I'm on HGH?

Feel that.

Uh...
Feel my tit.

No, like full-handed.
Full-handed. Grab it.

There you go. Nice.

I'm making smoothies.

Who wants smoothies?!

Mom, can you please tell him

not to do anything embarrassing
at my party today?

Whoa.

So that's how we're gonna
start our morning?

I haven't done anything
publicly embarrassing

in almost three months.

Okay.

But don't go overboard
this time.

I just want it to be
with my friends.

What friends?

So not cool.
Don't.

Are those n-nut sacks?

No.

It's a pimple
for Dr. Pimple Popper.

Oh, you don't think
that's a little gross?

Uh, it's totally gross.

That's why Sasha and I love it.

If you think about it,
it's kind of like

a metaphor for her
exploding into womanhood.

What is wrong with this shirt?

Supposed to be like this?

Hey, babe.

If I stand like this,
does it look tucked in?

Don't wear that shirt.

All right.

What are these,
my dad's shirts?

Can you please help me
pick out a shirt?

Okay.

I think that this therapy
is making everything worse.

I think you need
to get back onstage.

That's definitely
not happening.

Why?
Sit down.

Have you ever seen
"The Nutty Professor"?

Uh, no, I have not.
Okay.

Eddie Murphy turns into
this one guy,

which is great at first.

But then his family
starts hating him

and he starts hating himself.

Uh...

Look.

I'm the Machine onstage.

I'm also the Machine offstage.

I got high and I got drunk,

and I almost got
our daughter arrested.

I saw the look in her face.

I was helpless
and I couldn't do anything,

and I wanted to kill myself.

I will never let that happen
to our family again.

Well, fuck, now I want to watch
"The Nutty Professor."

It's a pretty good movie.
I wish you had watched it.

It's exactly what
I'm going through right now.

Maybe for now, for today,
we keep it simple.

I can do simple.
Yeah?

There she is.

There's my birthday girl.

Hey, Sash, what do you think
of the party?

It's kind of big.

Kind of big and awesome, right?

Hey, Bert, does the DJ
have any glitchcore?

Hey, Madison...

I'll go check.

Hey. Hey.
What's up?

I thought you said
you invited like ten people.

Oh, no. I invited a ton.

Well, you can't risk
no-shows, babe.

And partying with six people
is fucking depressing.

I even invited parents
that hate me.

What's up, Madison's mom?
Oh.

That guy is a bitch.
He is such a...

She's going through a divorce.
Be nice.

Seriously?
Mm-hmm.

Hey, hey. This is a sweet 16.

It's a big deal.
Yeah, for Sash.

I think Skeletor over there
must be the DJ.

Can you tell him
where to set up?

Yeah. Hey, Trainspotting.

You have any glitchcore?

Wait, is that my boom box?

Yeah.

Is that my auxiliary cord?
Yeah.

Oh, do you want my phone?

Nah.

Fucking disgusting.

Hey, don't do that
around the kids.

Actually, you know what?
Stay away from the kids.

We got music! I think.

Gentlemen, what are
you doing up here?

Girls are in the pool.
They're talking about you.

Jump in. Take your shirts off.
Don't piss in my pool.

Yo, Machine.

Uh, not today, brother.
Not today.

Ladies. Steer clear of the DJ.
Food's to the right, all right?

Hey, Kreischer,
no booze?

Hey, Madison's mom, no husband?

Fucking bitch.

Killing it, B-Man. Killing it.

Hey, there.

Dad?

In the flesh.

I see you haven't given up

trying to learn
how to barbecue.

Good for you, son.

Wait, wh-what
are you doing here?

Well, I'm not gonna miss
my grandkid's sweet 16.

It's a big day.

Right. Right.

Well...

Not gonna flip 'em yet, huh?

Might be...
Hmm, it's okay, it's okay.

Really?

Well, I just don't want you
to mess 'em up.

You know, then people
will be disappointed.

You'll feel bad.

It'll be all that,
"Huh, remember Bert's barbecue?

Those burgers, yikes."
Goddamn it.

Oh, see?

Did you add egg to the mix?

Okay, Dad.
It binds. It moisturizes.

Makes a much better burger.

Oh.

My dad showed up.

From Florida?
Yeah.

And it took
about two seconds

before he started
making me mental with the...

Look at him!
Hey, Boo Bear! Hi!

He's a monster.

Oh. Okay, yeah.
Breathe it out there, champ.

Hey, hey, Dad?
Yes!

Yeah, no.
The dog's pooping in the pool.

What?

Wait, how?

You paid money to see
my son take off his shirt

and tell his made-up story

about robbing a train
in Russia?

Dad, for the millionth time,
it's a true story.
Yeah.

It's my job, okay?

And you should
get back onstage.

'Cause I've seen you
only like five times.

You paid to see him five times?

I'm just shocked that
people would actually do that.

Dad.

You don't buy carpet five times.

Bye, Papa.
Oh, sweetheart.

I'm sorry, I'm gonna go.

Oh, don't worry about that.

And you remember,
you can call me anytime

whenever you want
to talk about...

well, you know.

- All right. Bye.
- Whoa,

whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Wait, wh-where are you going?
Hold on.

Bye, Bert.
Uh, Mr. Kreischer. Hey, stop!

What?
Where are you going?

Mads asked me to go to Big Bear
for like three days.

Oh. You are not going anywhere.
Hey, you're 16 years old.

And you're not going
to Big Bear 'cause I know

you're gonna drink beer
and smoke pot.

I'll be fine,
because I'm not you. Okay?

Okay, stop.
That-That's fair. That's fair.

I deserve that.
I deserve that. Okay?

Hey. Look at me.
Look at me. Don't go.

We wrap up this party,
me and you,

hang out tonight, we'll watch
"Dr. Pimple Popper."

I don't even watch
that show anymore, Dad.

And I don't even know
half of these people here.

What, are you kidding me?

You know-- What about this guy?
You know this guy.

Ray Ray.
You know Ray Ray.

Dad, I said
I wanted a small party,

and you promised
that you wouldn't embarrass me.

I'm just trying
to be a good dad.

See?

It's about you.

It's always about you!
Wh-What are you talking about?

How did I make it about...
How did you flip that?

Don't do that! Don't leave!

Don't you flip me off!

Don't-don't you get
in that car!

Don't get-- S-See?

This is the C-word behavior
I was talking about in therapy!

I'm not saying it!
I'm just pointing it out!

It's okay.

It's your fat fucking fault!
Asshole!

Goddamn it.

Son?

Not now, Dad.

Uh, we should, uh...

You know...

if you're searching
for a new path,

there's always room for you
at Kreischer Karpets.

I'm good, Dad, okay?
I'm good. I promise.

Just give me a minute.

Well...

I just wasn't sure, you know,
how you're making money

if you're not doing
the whole comedy thing anymore.

Hey, I'm a grown man.

I'll figure it out, okay?

Yeah, all right,
all right, you know.

Just trying to help.

Ho-Hold on right there.

No, you're not.

You're never
trying to help, Dad.

That's the point.

When I got in trouble,
what did you say to me?

"Oh, don't be an idiot."

My advice to you was don't do
stupid things in public,

especially with the children.
Oh, same thing!

Which is good advice.

And you and Sasha
wouldn't be where you were

if you'd only listened to me.

Oh, my God.

Ma'am, the party's outside.
Okay?

Are you the Machine?

Oh, shit.

Yeah, I am. And I can do
a picture in a second.

I'm kind of having a private
moment with my father, okay?

I'm here for the pocket watch

stolen on a train in Russia
23 years ago

by you.

Okay.

I'm having a shit-show day.

So, if this is
some sort of TikTok prank,

I'm about to lose
my fucking shit.

It's definitely a prank.

Clearly, that's a fake gun.

Or not!

She's got a fucking gun, Dad!
Yeah, I'm clear on that now.

Sit down!
Yes, ma'am.

My name is
Irina Ivanona Volgina.

And I suggest
you start remembering.

It was 20 years ago.
I barely remember that trip.

I don't have a watch,
and it's definitely not here.

Then you're coming with me
back to Russia to find it.

Russia?

Look at your daughter.

So innocent.

So pure.

So vulnerable.

Do you see that man?

DJ Chemo?

He will follow her on her trip.

If you do not
find my watch,

he kills her.

If you try to run,
he kills her.

You say a word about this
to anyone...

...he kills her.

Okay. Okay.

I'll do whatever you want.
Just-just let my daughter go.

Yeah, listen,
I'll do whatever you want.

Just don't hurt my daughter.

And-and let my father go,
all right?

He wasn't supposed to be here.
He wasn't even invited.

I'm going with you.

Dad, you're not going with me.

I wouldn't be able
to live with myself

if you failed to protect Sasha.

Dad, stop! You're not going!
He goes!

If you need persuading
in Russia,

he might be useful.

For torture.

The car is waiting.

We leave now.

Dad, put your fucking
hands down.

Excuse me.
Hey, Albert?

Hold, hold, hold, wait up.

Oh, my God.
I haven't even seen you yet.

I'm so sorry I haven't said hi.

Hello.
Hello, dear.

There are so many people here.
Hmm.

Hi. Oh. Who is this?

Uh, this is our, uh,
our Uber driver, uh, Sylvia.

Sylvia.

Hi.

Hi. Your Uber driver?

Where are you going?

Uh...
Um...

Oh, my God.

Yeah. I see what's going on.

You two are gonna follow
Sasha to Big Bear.

Yes, we are.
Exactly. Big Bear, yes.

- Cool. Great.
- Well, you know what?

I'll just stay home,
take care of everything,

and the two of you
can just fuck off

on your creepy little
puritanical...

I love you. I'm sorry.
Kiss Tats for me.

Dad, let's go.

Where...

Good work, Kreischers.

This is my bodyguard, Sponge.

Sponge,
like you absorb liquids?

Absorb bullets.

Still think
I made this story up?

Move it.

They said Machine
had ice in veins.

Could walk through the walls.

Drink more than any man.

I grew up hearing this myth.

You.

You're fat.

And you have tits.

Very disturbing.

That's body-shaming.

And honestly, I expect
more empathy out of a woman.

Such a disappointment.

Like opening peanuts
and joke snake pop out.

Enjoy your flight, Machine.

It will probably be your last.

All right. When we land,
I'm gonna create a diversion.

What I want you to do
is go to the embassy.

Dad.
Now, these people really know

what they're doing
around the grill.

How can you eat
at a time like this?

Son, I'm a small business owner

from a "stand your ground"
state.

This is like a Tuesday for me.

Machina, the myth.

Your turn, huh?

No, no. I-I wish I could.

I just got a crown replaced.

Oh, Machina.

But I have an uneven jaw,
and it took them forever to...

Hey, Bert.
What?

You want to know why people
respect Kreischer Karpets?

Well, it's definitely
not 'cause

you spelled "carpets"
with a "K."

No, that's just good marketing.

It's because
we install anywhere.

We never show fear.

We face it.

So, Bert, don't show fear.

Wow.

You really shoehorned
that message in.

All right, Sponge,
I guess I got next.

Oh.

Machina,

all I have heard about you,
and you have titty, huh?

You're such a large man.

You're so fucking big.

Let's hope this works.

I'm gonna show you
what we in the States call

"dad strength."

Funny!

Now...

my turn, huh?

Well, you showed fear.

Son, I think
this trip to Russia

could give you some...
direction.

Look, I had this
with me in Rome.

Saved me
more than a few times.

You take care of it.

It will take care of you.

Your pocketknife?
Mm-hmm.

Ah, thanks, Dad.

We hope our sons grow up to be

the men
we wish we could be, Bert.

Maybe this trip can
start you on that path.

And also,

if you lose that knife
in Russia,

I will disown you.

Ah, funny story.

I did lose your knife
in Russia.

Dad, I-I'm sorry.

I knew you'd let me down.

You did?

Got your manhood!

Oh, you took my testicles!

Hey, there.

While you were out,
your father and I

got to know each other.
Wait.

Also, we watched "Butch Cassidy
and Sundance Kid."

The ending? Wow.

Dad, that's our movie.

Bert, we have to find
this watch.

You stole it.
What'd you do with it?

Jesus Christ.

It's the top five drunkest
I've ever been in my life.

I'm-I'm usually drunk
when I tell the story.

Okay.

Okay. Hold on, hold on.

Give me a sec. Let me think.
Let me think. God.

I'm not good with guns
at my head.

Fedor.

What about Fedor?

He was the gangster
on the train.

Everything we stole
we gave to him.

Yeah, I talked to Fedor.

He doesn't remember
the watch.

So I killed him.

Jesus Christ.

Igor.

Which Igor?

I know like 50 Igors.

Uh, I-Igor was the mobster
that took care of our class.

He lived with us in the dorms.

Maybe he still
lives in the dorms.

Fuck school.
Let's party.

Hmm.

Then this
is where we go.

Can't believe you watched

"Butch Cassidy
and the Sundance Kid."

Fuck.

Follow my lead.
If we get a chance, we run.

Dad. Dad. Dad. Dad. Dad. Dad.

Oh, my God. Oh!

He's going down.
He's going down.

Geez Louise.

Wait.

That's me. I'm the Machine.

Why am I on a billboard?

Da. You famous.

I'm hot folklore
in the Soviet Union.

The Soviet Union is dead,
you ignorant fuck!

We're Russia. We're strong.

We're here.

They turned it into condos.

Oh, hello there.

Hey, Dad, this isn't Orlando.

Quit trying
to work a threesome.

Put it back in your pants.

Well, that was rude.

Move.

Hey, here's where
we took classes.

This is where I met Igor.

Wow. 23 years ago.

I should've taken
more pictures of my dick.

♪ I don't practice Santeria ♪

♪ I ain't got no crystal ball ♪

♪ Well, I had
a million dollars ♪

♪ But I'd... I'd spend it all ♪

♪ If I could find that Heina ♪

♪ And that Sancho
that she's found ♪

♪ Well, I'd pop a cap
in Sancho ♪

♪ And I'd slap her down... ♪

Okay, class, listen up.

Do not expect
an easy course load.

It isn't a vacation.

Your goal is to culturally bond
with the indigenous citizens.

This is Igor. He is a banditti.

You will be taking courses...

I actually don't
speak much Russian.

What is "banditti"?

Oh, um, "banditti" is
the Russian word for mobster.

This is a class trip.
How come we've never met?

Oh, I don't go to class much.

I'm Bert.

Oh, Ashley.

But Russia is
a dangerous place.

Igor is our fixer.

He is only here
for your protection.

He is very dangerous.

You are not to talk to
or hang out with him.

All I want to do is
hang out with him.

I never know what to believe

about what you say happened
back then.

You do have
a very active imagination.

I imagine.

That's my issue.

Well, one of them.

My father and I have
a similar relationship.

What the fuck is this thing?

Is it an iPad?

I got this, son.

I am an Eagle Scout.

What is an Eagle Scout?

It's like if James Bond
was a Mormon.

An Eagle Scout
can get in anywhere.

You'd know that
if you'd become an Eagle Scout.

But no...

My fist
is Eagle Scout.

I'll wait in the car.

- He has impulse control issue.
- Very sad.

Yeah. Steroids
will do that to you.

They really dressed
this place up.

Still have the world's
smallest elevator.

Holy shit.

There was a woman
that sat right there.

She absolutely loved me.

Igor's room was
all the way down to the right.

I took a shit on a pizza box
right there.

Jesus, son.

Eh, it got mixed reviews.

Honestly, if I hadn't
sprained that finger,

probably would've made it
to the league.

But, you know, I wasn't
about to lose a thumb war

to a 12-year-old, you know?

Here you go, dabushka.

Gifts from
your American friend.

Aw.

Gifts are a very important
aspect of Russian life, Ash.

Bet you didn't know that.
Hmm.

Bet you didn't know
your fly was down.

Why are you telling us this?

Sorry.

Lot of memories
being back here.

Whoa, you live right across
from Igor and the banditti?

Do you ever hear, like, screams
coming from their room?

Uh, no, not really.

Look at them.

They're magnificent.

How do I talk to them?
How do I say my name?

I planned the perfect sentence.

But the second
I was face-to-face

with a real Russian gangster,

I panicked.

Ya machina.

Ya machina.

"Muchina" means badass.

"Machina" means machine.

I said I was the Machine.

You're an idiot.

Y-Ya machina.

Luckily...

...they thought
it was hilarious.

On machina!

They introduced me
to their world,

and I introduced them to mine.

Vodka, lemon,
two teaspoons of sugar.

These are called lemon drops.
They're called lemon drops.

Okay, they're from Florida,
and they're fucking delicious!

The Machine
is powered by lemons!

And the legend
of the Machine was born.

All right, all right,
all right.

This next one's a little thing

I like to call
Beavis and Butt-Head.

His head is a butt!

They had no frame of reference

for American culture.

Do I make you horny?

Austin Powers? Really?

Shut up, Dad.

So, I stole from the best,
and they thought it was me.

To them, I was just
some crazy genius

who could out-drink 'em all.

I'm the Machine!

I call this the "Macarena."

Word spread fast.

And the legend of the Machine
just kept growing.

♪ You're unbelievable... ♪

Everyone in Russia
heard the stories.

You were folklore.

I was good for Igor's business.

People paid him
to party with me.

Wait! The stash hole!

Igor's room has a stash hole
in it, in the wall.

And what does he keep
in this hole?

Beanie Babies.

Come on. Drugs, money and porn.
You're in the mob.

But maybe
there's something in there

that can tell us
how to find him.

It's this one right here.

I hope so,
for your daughter's sake.

Oi!

Uh-huh, that's feminism.
You asked for it.

Fuck you! Pussy woman-boy!

Well, I see wokeness
hasn't made its way to Russia.

The hole?
Yeah, right.

All right.

That wall used to go
all the way down.

If I'm not mistaken...

Bingo.

Oh.

No watch.

This is something way better.

One of Ash's
pot brownies, Dad.

These things were gold
back in the day.

Why would anyone keep
20-year-old

marijuana brownies?

Ashley's pot brownies are the
best thing I've ever tasted.

They're mad strong, though,
so only eat a little.

Don't fuck.

You're fucking with me, man.

Go fuck yourself.

Hey, how'd you become
a banditti?

One day,

man told me,

"Igor, help me
with this thing."

Thing was mafia.

'Cause if I get hungry,
I get hangry,

and everybody knows
marijuana goes bad after time.

It's like the reverse
of pickles.

So, no Igor, no watch.

Just old money
and pickle weed.

This is not good
for you, Bert.

Fuck you.

Vanya.

It's not good for you either.

He is Machina?

The man's man?

Nah.

He has, uh... breasts.

Your friend, Igor,

he took over the trains
to Moscow.

And now I know
where to find the watch.

How do you know
Igor runs trains?

Because...

I am respected.

I make it my job
to know these things.

You?

You are foolish woman.

Playing pretend.

I do not play.

Holy cow!

You're an insolent child,
Vanya.

Now you come with me on train

or you go out window.

All right, let's go, Dad.
Come on.

Yeah, let's go.
All right.

Let's go.

See you around.

Put your hands down.

Well, this is wonderful.

We're about to be killed
by gangsters.

And you're pocketing
ancient pot brownies.

You say shit like that

and you wonder why we haven't
visited in three years.

So now it's my fault?
Yeah.

I don't want to be around that
shit, and neither do my kids.

Your kids are great.
Don't bring them into this.

Oh, I know they're great, Dad.
They're my kids.

You know, your problem
is you live this life

where you get rewarded

for indulging
in your worst tendencies.

Let's hope
that was an adjustment.

Meet you downstairs.

Well, we should be safe
in here.

I got you, son!

No, I got you!
I'm covering you!

Everything's under control!
No!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Lift!

- No! No, no! Close, close!
- Close the door!

Shoot back, idiots!

I will present the boss
with your head, Machina!

Dad.

I can't use that.

After I read
Mandela's biography,

I made a vow
of nonviolence.

You are dead!

Dead!

Fine. I'm just gonna
shoot him in the leg.

Let's go, dickheads!

Goddamn it. Let go.

No! I'm glad you're alive!
Let go of me!

Get in the car, son.
I'm trying, Dad!

Sponge!

So bad. This is not going away.

I'm gonna meet the devil.

I'm going to fucking hell.

- Oh, shit. Goddamn it.
- I'm at my lake house.

The fish are jumping.

I'm having mac and cheese
for dinner.

Are you doing
breathing exercises?

You can't do breathing
exercises for murder, Dad.

I killed a man.

Well, technically
you killed several men.

Oh, God!
You're not helping!

Hey.
What?

It happens.

I'm not gonna start
smoking cigarettes.

No, it doesn't happen.

A speeding ticket,
that happens.

Shitting your pants
at Best Buy, that happens.

My brother Vanya
was an asshole.

Brother?
Like your real brother?

Like your mom and dad
are the same mom and dad?

Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.

I didn't know
he was your brother.

Don't be.

There is a power struggle
in the mob.

As oldest, I will inherit
my father's empire,

but Vanya wants control.

Wanted control.

He's dead.
Oh, my God.

I'm still
getting used to it.

What the fuck is happening?
Get me the fuck out of here.

Many others also want control.

They say I cannot run mob
because I'm woman.

This isn't happening.

Boss.

Dad.

Give me some life advice,
some words of wisdom.

Everybody's got to die
sometime.

That's it?

That's your advice?

Well, what do you
want me to say?

That vulnerability is scary
and it's hard to open up?

Yeah, Dad.
That would've been great.

Son.

It was your mother
that was the coddler,

not me.

Jesus. We got it, Sasquatch.

Igor. Igor.

I'm coming. I'm coming.

Hey.

My brother would have shot me
if he had a chance.

Thank you for making
his death very fast.

Well, then, can I real quick
call my daughter

just to make sure she's okay?

Don't push it.

Now, this is the kind
of Russian architecture

I wanted to see.

We're not on
a sightseeing tour, Dad.

Hey, Irina,
I think this is gonna be great.

We'll find Igor,
we'll get your watch,

and then you can
let us go, right?

Holy cow.

This place hasn't changed
a bit.

Oh. Right there.

That's where Igor introduced me
to the train banditti.

I cannot go on
your student trip to Moscow.

What?
Yeah.

Different mafia runs train.

Igor, what am I
supposed to do here?

What you always do.

Come on,
show them your character.

British horny man. Come on.

Do I make you horny, baby?

Do I make you randy? Yeah.
Huh? It's classic.

You really like "Austin Powers"?

Yeah. It was really big
in the late '90s.

Give me a break, okay?

I get it.

I get why they liked you.

Wow, thanks, Dad.

Your toxic masculinity was

lighthearted
and progressive to them.

Yeah, well, your compliment

sounds a little bit
like a slam.

- Quiet, fucked-up father-son.
- Boss.

This is the Moscow line.

If Igor runs trains,
this is where he will be.

Be careful.

Train mob is very dangerous.

Don't worry.
Igor's my boy.

If he's here,
we're all set.

Yes, but he knows you.

- They don't.
- They look like

they're cosplaying
"American History X."

Let's go down further.
Less eyes.

Hello.

Doesn't that sound mean
the train's departing?

Get on!
Wait, what's the plan?

What are we doing?

We stay on train
till we find Igor.

Get the plane,
meet me in Moscow

with the rest of the men.

I cannot believe I'm doing
this Moscow trip over again.

Move.
Wow.

This train smells
exactly like it did in '98.

Ugh. It smells like
cabbage and grandmas.

So long, Saint Petersburg!
Hello, Moscow!

Oh, sorry.

Why does everyone here
look like

they want to punch me
in the face?

It's improper to smile
in Russia, Bert.

You save it
for the people you love.

Do you?

Really?
What even is that?

So, you want to stay up
all night in the bar car or...?

I don't know
how you can drink so much

and never gain any weight.

I just have really great genes.

Do you maybe want to hang
in my cabin instead?

I did.

I definitely did.

♪ Ah, I got a new life... ♪

Ow. Fucking idiot. Fuck.

Thanks, Dad,
for the dull fucking knife.

Ooh.

♪ Ah, why do I bother... ♪

A-Ash. Hey.

♪ Not the one for me ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Is enough enough? ♪

♪ I saw the sign ♪

♪ And it opened up my eyes... ♪

Yeah.

Fucking ow.

♪ Life is demanding
without understanding... ♪

Oh, geez.

Way too much.

♪ I saw the sign ♪

Yeah.

♪ I saw the sign ♪

♪ I saw the sign ♪
♪ I saw the sign ♪

♪ And it opened up my eyes ♪

♪ I saw the sign. ♪

Hey.
Hey, what are you doing?

Uh, not much.

I don't know.

It's pretty crazy in there.

So you still want to hang out?
It's cool if not.

You know, I'm a big fan
of, uh, romantic buildup.

Oh, yeah?
Yeah.

Like, I don't even think
Ross and Rachel

should be together yet.
No way. Me neither.

Right?
Yeah.

Save that for the millennium.

- I kind of think we should...
- You.

Hey.

You are one
they call Machine?

Yeah, that's, uh, that's me.

Hmm.

Fedor was the boss
of the train banditti.

He smelled like
nicotine patches

and looked at me the way
Ted Bundy looked at coeds.

It was horrible.

Machine does not ride
with the peasants.

Come, come.

Uh, Ashley, I'm gonna go
hang out with these scary dudes

for a little bit, and then
I'll be right back, okay?

I'll check back in.

FYI, I'm a good bed sharer.

Okay? Fun to cuddle with,
no night farts...

You left that girl

so you could hang out
with a criminal?

- He's right.
- She was a sure thing.

Yeah, well,

I've never been good
with sure things.

But Fedor took me
to the bar car.

This place had booze, drugs,

and here's
the real gangster part.

They knew who I was.

They like you, huh?

I guarantee this is
where we'll find Igor.

Wow, I guess nobody parties
in the bar car anymore.

Hmm. Especially Igor.

You know, 23-year-old me
loved this place.

Now it looks like
a truck stop bathroom.

I think your therapist
would call that

"growth people notice."

Wait.

Did LeeAnn tell you
I was in therapy?

Well...

when she called
to invite me to the party,

she opened up about
what you're going through.

After Sasha's arrest,
we were both worried you'd...

well, you know, mess up again.

Motherfucker!
Does no one trust me?

Or am I the guy that's
only gonna mess up again?

You're making a scene.
A scene?

I pay my bills
by making a scene!

I rip my shirt off and yell,
"I'm the Machine!"

Hey!

Who says,
"I am Machine"?

You?

They say Machine can
walk through walls.

Only a ghost
can do that.

You...

you are not Machine.

You want to see
the fucking Machine?

They want to see the Machine.

Oh, you're getting
the fucking Machine.

Hey, where you going?

First up, I don't normally

do this for free.

Secondly, you're dressed
like dickheads.

Matching Nazi dickheads.

And third, you say it
three times and he shows up.

It's a lot like Candyman.

You've already said it twice.

That's me.

That's me on this bottle of
vodka that says "The Machine."

What are you doing?
Dad, sit down!

Igor.
Igor?

Igor, it's your boy Bert.

You better have
my watch, bitch.

Finish it up.

Igor want to see you.

He will come
to the bar car soon.

But before that, it would be
an honor to party with you,

Machine.

Strasvutsia, bitches.

Let's do it.

You do drink like Russian.

Alcohol is
a universal language.

Yes.

We're all drunk on the inside.

So, when do we meet
the real Machine, huh?

All right, listen up.

♪ I did it all for the nookie ♪

♪ Come on ♪

♪ The nookie ♪
♪ Come on ♪

♪ So you can take that cookie ♪

♪ And stick it up your asshole,
stick it up your asshole ♪

♪ Stick it up your asshole... ♪

Hey! Hey, excuse me!

Yo, teach. Hey, check it out.

I'm culturally bonding
with the indigenous citizens.

Get your ass
back to your cabin now!

♪ I did it all for the nookie ♪

♪ Come on ♪
♪ The nookie ♪

♪ Come on ♪
♪ So you can take... ♪

Fuck that bitch!

This is...

Russia!

Dad, you said

I had to go to Russia
to find myself.

Well, I did.

I'm king of the world!

That's how I felt.

I was king of the world.

Ugh. "Titanic"?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I was stealing wholesale
from A-list movies,

but it worked.

Let me tell you something.

Entertaining criminals
and sex workers was amazing.

Maybe that's why I do so well
in Florida, huh?

They don't even get it.

Tell us more stories, Machine.

The bar car was a blast.

But it's also
where shit got real.

Uh, what do you want,
Fedor?

Bread. Okay, cool. Wait.

I knew you said "bread."

Yes.
I'm picking up the language.

Give me another one, come on.

Cheese.

I'm basically fluent.

Uh, money. Got it.

Cool. Um...

Oh, no, are we robbing
this guy?

Yeah, I don't...

I don't really want
to rob anyone.

Yes, you do.

Do it. Pussy.

First him, then train.

So that's what we did.
We robbed the train.

Yeah.

I was terrified.

They were practically giddy.

Let's go.

Fedor kept feeding me booze.

Now, you drink vodka.

Let's go. Drink.

That's it.

I was completely out of control.

I mean, the rush of it
turned into a thrill.

This is my room.

I was robbing the train
with the Russian mafia.

And I wasn't dying.

That's all my...

that's all my stuff.

Wait, wait, wait.

You're actually taking
my stuff?

Oh, no, no, no, no.
That's my dad's, uh, knife.

You can't take that.

No, no, no.

You can take the other stuff,
but the knife?

- That's my dad's.
- Really?

No go.

I can't take, huh?

I'm sorry, Dad.

I let him steal it.

It's all yours.

Machine.

Wow.

I would've cut out his heart

and make him watch it stop
beating with his last breath.

I guess
we're just built different.

The watch.

Once I got really drunk...

...I robbed my class.

I robbed my whole class.

What the hell? Get out.

Fuck that bitch.

This is Russia.

Ash.

I'm...

Whoa.

Woman hit man?
That is new.

I felt like a complete

and total piece of shit.

- Give it. Fast, fast.
- Give me ring.

Let's go.

Okay?
That's it.

Good boy.
Okay.

I'll get it back.

I promise.

I'm sorry, Ash.

Yeah, fuck you.

Machine is the man.

Hey.

Machine.

Igor need us in front of train.

You wait here.
We come back with him.

Machine!

Do you talk about
that part with...

with Ashley
when you do your show?

Obviously not, Dad.

But I think about it sometimes.

I think I liked
that story better

when I thought it was a lie.

And then what?

Story of you being
stupid idiot asshole is sad,

but you need to remember
my watch.

I remember.

There was
one last private cabin.

Do it.

Sorry.

That was the watch.

My father was no criminal.

He was a salesman.

And then you stole the
only thing he ever cared about.

He called police,
but no one would help him.

It made him say,
"Fuck honest living!

If you want respect,
you have to take it."

And from there,
he built our family.

Oh, my God.

I'm your origin story.

Most people see themselves
as Batman...

...not the guy
who killed Batman's parents.

What did you do
with the watch after that?

Uh, w-we went back
to the bar car.

Fedor went through
all the stuff that we stole.

Huh.

I... I hate this song.

Listen, in Russia,

we always give gifts
to a new friend.

Take, Machine.

He gave you the watch?

Where is it, Bert?

- I need to know.
- I don't know.

Machine.

Igor is here.

Igor, I present to you
the Machine.

Your friend has aged
even worse than you.

My men say,

"Come to meet famous Machine
from a vodka bottle."

I say, "Why not?

You can take selfie."

But you're not famous.

You have tits.

Yeah,
we've established that.

I don't know this guy.
This-this isn't Igor.

Who-who are you?

I knew old Igor.
My name is also Igor.

I took train from him,
make him disappear.

My train now.

Wait, Igor's dead?

Yeah.

- And you're gonna die also.
- Enough.

I'm Irina Ivanona Volgina.

You know who my father is.

These two dipshits
belong to me.

Now go, if you want to live
to see your children again.

Stupid bitch.

You think I didn't ask
for permission?

Permission?

All right!

Listen up.

Never show fear, right?
Yeah.

Now, look.

Wait, that's the knife
you gave me.

No. I gave you one
just like it.

I knew you couldn't be trusted
with the original.

I'm not an idiot.
Oh, my God.

You heard me
pining about that knife.

You knew I felt guilty for
losing it for like 25 years!

That's enough.

Dad, stab this bald fucker.

I'm sorry, son.

But...
I can't breathe.

...I swore I would never use
a weapon for violence.

Oh, my God.

She cut his throat, Dad.

Oh, no, don't touch it.
It's bad.

Oh, why is he touching it?

Oh, no.

Why are you smiling?

Stop. Stop right there. Stop.

What am I supposed to do, Dad?
What am I supposed to do?

Uh, hit him, son.

Oh, my God, Dad,
I'm inside him!

Oh, my God!

Let go of my arm!
I'll try to get it out!

He's so warm!

No, no, no, no, no!

God!

God! Help me let go!

God! You're, like,
fisting his neck.

Help me!

Son of a bitch! God!

It's like a pickle jar.
Just let go of the pickle.

Damn it, Dad.
It's nothing like a pickle jar!

Oh, shit!

Incoming!

Pull, pull, pull, pull,
pull, pull, pull, pull!

Oh, my God!

Get it off! Get it off me!
Get it off me!

No, not that-that way!
The other way!

Hey, were you saying
"pull" or "pole"?

Does it really
fucking matter, Dad?!

Why did he say
he had permission to kill us?

I know where we
can find out.

Uh, hello. Can I have
your attention, please?

We're here looking for

whoever sent that large,
bald man

to kill me and my son.

Dad. Hey, Dad.

Dad.

Maybe ease up
on the Russian mafia, okay?

Alexei.
Hmm.

It is so nice
to see you, sister.

You have another brother?
Mm.

Da. Three of us. Now two.

But thank you for killing him.

He was pain in ass.

And very stupid.

You have the meanest family
of all time.

Kind of you to say,
Machine.

I can't agree with your methods
or your business model,

but it warms my heart
to see a son

willing to take on
his father's legacy.

Albert, Machine's father.

Oh, sister.

I intend to bring our father
the watch Machine stole.

It is over.

Give me Machine.

Machine leads me to watch.

I win.

All right. You win.

You get the watch.

It is here?

Oh, yeah. It is here.

In this room.

We don't have it.
We came to collect it.

From him.

Keyser Söze.

Keyser Söze?

Yeah, he has it.

Go ahead, give it to him.

Yep, it's his now.

I'm out of the equation.

Where are we going?

You're gonna get us
all killed!

Shut up and run.

There we go.

Fuck!

You made me chase you.

Not nice.

You think you're so cool.

Sister, do you really think
you'd take over family?

Why?

I'm strong. I'm smart.

Please. You are a woman.

The world is changing.

Even for our family.

Father and I,
we laugh about your delusions.

You and Father
always underestimate me.

But you know what?

I deserve to be treated
as an equal.

Agreed.

Hey.
Jesus.

I like this feminism thing.

And if you don't want me
to kill your father next,

you will take me to the watch.

All right. Stop, stop,
stop, stop.

I'm gonna do whatever you want.

Don't hurt my father, okay?
Give me a second.

Dad. Dad, Dad, Dad.
Listen to me. Listen to me.

We're gonna be fine.
We're gonna be a team.

Dad, listen to me
right now, okay?

"Butch Cassidy and Sundance."
"Butch Cassidy and Sundance."

End of the movie, Dad.
Waterfall.

We're gonna waterfall.

Waterfall.
Enough.

This is for your own good.

Dad...!

My son is a moron.
You were wasting your time.

I'll help find your watch.

But only if you promise
to keep my granddaughter safe.

You are a very good father.

A cop pulled us over.

Dad, there's a cop.

Officer, no, I-I don't have
a driver's license.

My dad's in the backseat.

Dad, stop. Shit, Dad.

Dad, wake up.

Oh, God.

Oh, shit.

Son of a bitch.

Hello!

Fucking Dad.

I'm tired.

I'm sore. I'm hungry.

I'm hungry.

Thank you, Ash.

Wait.

Hey.

Is my daughter okay?

No.

My son is a moron.

Hey, what's up, sleepyhead?

What's this thing?
It's a mace.

The fuck are you doing here?

Oh, I'm not here.
You're just really high.

I am really high.

God, I came to Russia
to become a man.

All I became was
an asshole criminal.

Yeah. You're gonna
hang on to that for a while.

A lot of it, all the shit
that happened on the train.

But, hey,
that shirtless idiot thing?

It pays off big-time.

Really?
Oh, yeah.

Yeah?
Oh, dude.

This trip to Russia
sets you on a path.

You, my friend, are great
at making people laugh.

Thanks, man.
Huh.

I am gonna be okay.
Yeah.

And then your wife's
gonna put you in therapy.

Whoa, whoa.

We're married?
Oh, yeah.

Is she hot?

I mean, yeah.
Wait, what do you mean?

I mean, I think she's hot.
I think she's hot.

I mean, she's 50.

You married a 50-year-old?

Dude, what the fuck?

I thought you said
we were gonna be okay.

No, I forgot how dumb I am.

We married her when she was 30.
And she was a smoke--

She still is a smoke show.

She's hot as shit, okay?
Okay.

Don't make me defend our wife.

She's a great mom.

Whoa. We got kids?

Yeah.
Boys?

Mm.
Ah, I knew we'd have boys.

I always wanted
to have boys.

Look at us.

Both of us
just figuring ourselves out.

Well, I am.

You're still pretty lost.

I mean, you're literally lost
in a forest.

High on a pot brownie.

'Cause your dad
kicked you off a train.

Because he hates you.

Because you can't save
your own daughter,

who hates you.

Now your wife's gonna hate you.

Your whole family
pretty much hates you.

Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
I know this. I know this.

Why are you doing this to me?
'Cause I'm trying to save you.

You're about to get shot.

How so?

You're about to get shot.

Meaning what?

You're under fire.

Fuck! God!

Oh, my God!

Fuck.

Bert?

Igor?

Bert.
Igor!

Machina!
Igor!

You look like a big bear.
I mean, what?

Oh! God.

My friend, you are here.

I can't believe you're alive.
Oh, shit. It's good to see you.

Do you have any snacks?

This is my home.

For years now.

Nice. It's kind of
like West Virginia.

Yeah. West Vagina.

Igor! Deuces.

That's uncircumcised.

Oh.

You almost hit that guy, Igor.
Yeah.

It's a tradition here.

Ah, look at this.

This is it.

This is your house?
Yeah.

Hey, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.

Holy shit.

Oh!

Wait, are these all your kids?

Yeah, uh, this is
most of my kids.

Oh, my God.

Jesus, you know
you can pull out, right?

Yes, but my dick is little bit
longer, so I'm like...

Oh, like a,
like a, like a magician.

Magician! Yeah.
With the scarves!

Hey.
I missed you.

...Machina!

Hey! Yeah!

Oh, Machina!
Yeah!

Uh-huh.

Huh?

Igor.

Igor, Igor.

My wife, she's a big fan
of you, Machine.

Oh.
Many in village are.

They listen
to your podcast.

Why no new episodes?

She find whore.
What?

Holy shit!

Irina! You're alive!

How the fuck
are you still alive?

Goddamn it. Oh, my God!

Would you like to buy her
for the fucking?

Hmm?
I don't know.

Eh, what do you think?
How much?

More than you have.

I don't know, maybe--

Oh, my God!
What happened to your leg?

Oh, that looks bad.

Here, tell me if you feel this.

Igor! Help! I know this whore!

Let's get her in your house!

Here.
Igor, do you have

any hydrogen peroxide?

Uh, no, but we have
many kind of animal spit.

- Okay, well, here you go.
- Fuck!

Okay, you're fine.

No, no, no. We're good.
Fuck!

Just get me something
to dress it with.

I gotta get this boot off.

Okay.
Okay.

Okay, here we go.
Wait, wait, be careful.

All right.

Oh, it's pretty bad.

Okay.

Oh, is it bad?
It's not that bad.

Is it that bad?
It's not that bad.

Oh, fuck!
I just can't look at it.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Fuck!

It's fine. It's fine.

Did you just put it
in your pocket?

I didn't know where to put it.

Oh, I'm gonna be sick now.
Oh, fuck!

Don't you throw up,
'cause if you throw up,

I'm gonna throw up.

Don't throw up.
Don't throw up.

Please don't throw up.
Please don't throw up.

I won't throw up.
You don't throw up.

I won't throw up
if you don't throw up.

I'll trust you. Okay.
Deal.

Oh, God. Okay.

Ah! Just do something about it!

I don't think I can do this.

Oh!
Give me a pep talk.

Just pull it out.
Okay.

You can do it.

I can do it?
You can do it.

Just pull it out. Okay?

One, two...
Three, two...

No, wait. No, wait.

Three! Two! One!
Three! Two! One!

I did it! I did it!

You're not gonna...

So, anyway, I shoot the dude,

he shoots another dude,
dude shoots another dude.

Three dudes, one-- four--
three... three bullets.

It was top ten

all-time kills for me.
Hell yeah!

Yeah. Oh, is this...

Are we high-fiving a murder?

Yeah.

Hey, uh, where is
your father now?

Who the fuck knows?
Ah.

Let me tell you
something.

If he is alive,
I'm fucking killing him.

Oh.

Hey, Igor,
what brought you here?

Hey, thanks to you, Bert.

Me?
Yeah.

What?

When I saw how you find joy

in every moment,
it make me think,

"Mafia is dangerous."

Not easy life.

And one day, as I strangle man
for not paying me for...

ah, wh-whatever,

I remember something you say.

What?
You told me

most important thing in life,

it is to find your smile.

Oh.

Igor.
Huh?

I stole that from
"City Slickers."

Billy Crystal? 1980s?

Cowboys? Nothing?

His whole deal
is stealing shit.

Back then, Irina. Okay?

Hey, I just left.

It was my choice.

My smile.

Mafia was not my smile.

This was.
Children, family, Sonia.

In mafia,

I would have died.

But I have this,
thanks to you, Bert.

You saved my life.

Good for you, Igor.

Hey, at least I didn't ruin
his life, right?

Bert?

Bert?

Hey. Are you asleep?

Yeah.

What is this thing you did

that made your daughter
hate you?

All right.

So, me and my big fat friend
Tom were doing a podcast,

and we get accidentally
very fucked-up.

That's not so bad.
Wait for it.

So, Sasha's 15, right?
She's got her learner's permit.

I'm like, "Hey, come out to me.

Get my car, drive me home."
Right? Bam, bam.

You asked your teenage daughter
to drive you home drunk?

It gets worse, okay?

She rolls a stop sign.

Cop pulls her over.

Turns out,
having a parent in the car

doesn't count
if the parent's trashed.

She can't get her license
for two years.

I got a misdemeanor.
It was awful.

Well, if that's everything,
that's not so bad.

I wish that was the worst thing
my father ever did to me.

It almost sounds nice.

Four minutes before I passed
out, I started a live stream.

And I live streamed
the entire event.

It immediately went viral.

Next weekend was Father's Day.

She was so mad.

Oh, God, she didn't
talk to me for a month.

It was a wake-up call.

I've been this party guy
for so long,

I don't even know
who I am anymore.

Then maybe you're not
supposed to be only Bert.

Huh?

Look what you did for Igor.

Your stupid drunk talk,
it-it saved his life.

I don't follow.

We do not grow by
destroying part of ourselves.

We grow by finding a balance
between parts.

Balance like Steve Urkel.

Did you just say "Urkel"?
It's a reference

to one of my favorite
American television shows.

"Family Matters."

You know it?

Uh, yeah. Wait. But w-wait.

What the fuck's Urkel
got to do with this?

Oh.

In season five,

Steve Urkel, uh,
takes this potion

that transforms him
into Stefan Urquelle,

like, this cool version
of him.

Everyone starts hating him,
but what does he do?

He doesn't surrender.

He improves his formula,

and in the end,
he gets best of both worlds.

You are the Machine
and Bert.

You have both sides.

But now
you need to balance.

I get it.

Goddamn it.

I can't believe
I slept on "Family Matters."

Oh, you should
definitely watch it.

It's very good.

"Did I do that?"

He watched it.

When Communists came,
politburo burned down the church

and-and build
this factory.

When the Communists leave,
factory closed.

When I came to the village,
I helped them build this.

You built this?
No, no. Inside.

I took you here because
building this place,

feeling closer to God,

taught me
how to forgive myself.

You know, for all the bad
things that I did, murders.

All those years ago,

why do you think I hooked you
up with the train banditti?

I don't know.
To show 'em a good time?

Da. And?

To keep your class safe.

Train banditti
are very dangerous.

They do terrible things
to the passengers.

I introduced them to Machine
to distract them

by doing what he always does.

Yeah.

Well, I robbed
a lot of people, Igor.

So?

Was anyone hurt, killed?

You spit in a girl's face.
You were an asshole.

But your class, they were safe

because you did exactly
what you're supposed to do

by showing them good time,
making them laugh.

You protected those people.

That is what a man does.

Goddamn it.

Seems you are a good man, Bert.

Thanks, Irina.

Ah, it's time to feed kids.

Holy shit!
That's the watch!

My father's watch.

How do you
have that?

Y-You gave it to me
when you left Russia.

You said it was thank-you
for being a true friend.

You were very, very drunk.

I was embarrassed
taking it,

but the words were nice,
so I just took it.

Sweet, drunk words.
God, yes.

Let's go, Bert.
Oh.

I have an empire to claim.

I would pay to listen
to her talk during sex.

I would pay
to have sex with her.

Sorry about your bathroom.

Thank you
for taming the whore.

No, thank you.

I'll cherish these.

The fuck am I supposed
to do with a chicken?

Hey, Bert.
I need to come clean.

After train,
I talked to Fedor, and...

he gave me
what you stole from class.

Then everyone go back to USA,
so I kept it to remember.

Hold on. No way.
Huh? Yeah.

Dude.

Hey, take it.

And go to Moscow
and save your father.

If he's still alive.

He may have been
tortured to death.

I think
she's autistic.

Yeah.
Yeah.

Hey, man.

Thank you for everything,
man.

No, no, no.
No?

You've been
a good-luck charm to me.

My life changed
the day I met you.
Hey.

Bert, thank you.
No, thank you.

No, thank you.
No, thank you.

God. I'll miss you, brother.

I'm gonna miss
these disgusting poor people.

So you just think it
and say it.

You don't stop it at all,
right?

Yes, basically.

I've never met someone
like myself before.
Yeah.

♪ A man ♪

♪ Has gun ♪

♪ Hey, man ♪

♪ Have fun ♪

♪ Hey, man ♪

♪ Have fun ♪

♪ Nice shot. ♪

So, I keep having
this recurring dream

where Dolly Parton
throws me her pick,

calls me onstage
and wants me to jam with her.

I'm freakin' shredding, but
my fingers turn into spiders

and my teeth fall out.

Pretty sure
it's my heart medication

having a bad reaction
with my sleeping pill.

But, hey, it's better
than doing acid

and kind of the highlight
of my day at this point.

It's sad but true.

What the fuck is
going on in here?

Oh, hi, son.

Oh, you two are buds now?

Dad, why are you
talking all fast

like you're on speed
or something?

'Cause I'm on speed.

And it is so, so, so, so great.

Oh.

More drugs. Ooh.

Look at me.

I'm Molly Parton!

You see what I did there?

Irina. You're alive.

Super.

Yes, asshole, I am alive.

I brought the Machine,
and I even have the watch.

So suck my dick.

Thanks.

Fuck you, Sponge!
No, fuck you.

He pay me.

You hit me.

I should have left you
in that gulag

with those doctors
poking and prodding you.

I would string you up
by your balls.

Machine.

I must say,

your dad is so fun.

He is the original Machine.

I'm the prototype.

He has been partying with us.

Now, your mom was more of

a kind of missionary
kind of gal,

but Annika, oh,

she's got the cushion
for the Pushkin.

Oh, Dad, please stop.

See, your dad has spent so long
looking after you,

he never got a chance
to have fun on his own.

Oh. What a load
of horseshit that is.

Those Dolly Parton tickets
he was just bragging about?

Front row?

Who do you think
bought 'em for him?

And to think I thought I was
finally understanding you.

I... I found
your fucking knife.

Yeah, you want
this piece of shit?

When he kicked me
off the train,

I thought, "Maybe he's trying
to keep me safe,

protect me or has a plan."

But no plan. No fucking plan.

You're just a big old dick!

I may have let you down
in this world.

You pointed that out a lot.

But you know what, Dad?
You have let me down.

Just like I let Sasha down.

I can't believe I thought you
were here to take care of me.

Dad, take a fucking
look around.

You let me down!

Son.

I will always take care of you.

What?

You people threatened
my granddaughter,

you kidnapped my son

and made me do
a lot of amazing drugs.

And this is how we say
thank you in Florida.

Holy shit!

Motherfucking Eagle Scout.

Oh, fuck!

You have amazing tits!

Oh, shit!

I got the doors!

God!

I thought you were nonviolent.

I am! But I also love my son!

I knew you'd survive
falling off that train

because of your big old boobies
and protective layers of fat.

Oh, my God,
you're so high right now.

I am so high. I am so high!

Idiots, stop talking and run.
I'll find the watch.

Come on, come on, come on.

Shit. Let's go, Keith Richards.

Dad, come on!
Stop lollygagging!

God. All right.
Have a great night, everybody.

Ooh, you're dropping
your money.

And don't drink and drive.
Grab a T-shirt on your way out.

All right, have a good one.

Oh, here we go.
The last ones out.

Sorry for the gunfire,
everybody. Have a great night.

Take care. Thank you very much.

All right, Dad. We're good.

Now, listen, I need you to use
this drug energy for good.

All right?
Like Charlie Sheen did.

Oh, shit. Dad, get down.

Bert.
Shh.

I lied.
Stop talking.

Come on, let's go.

- Look at me.
- I think I failed you as a dad.

Dad, be quiet.
I can't.

I'm feeling
so many feelings,

and I need to tell you
about them.

Bert?

Bert?
What?

I need to say this.

Instead of accepting you,
I criticized you.

But it was only because
I wanted to keep you safe.

Why have you never
told me this?

I don't know. It's...

Vulnerability is scary,
and-and opening up is hard.

What drugs did they give you?

Well, well, it was...

Okay, come on.
Let's go. Let's go.

One was yellow,
but I don't know what it was.

Bert.
Dad, shut the fuck up.

This is important.

All dads mess up, Bert.

But the good ones, we...

we try to do better.

I guess sometimes it just...

takes us a while.

You're my boy, Bert.

Don't ever forget that.

You'll always...

be my boy.

This is nice, Dad.

You should do drugs
more often.

Look at us.

We're finally
working through our shit.

Dad, let's go!

Goddamn!

I just wish it had happened
before we were about to die!

No, we're not gonna die.

Here.

You have always succeeded
by being exactly you.

Now, take off that shirt

and show those SOBs
who you really are.

Hey!

Fuck.

Now... you got to party
with me.

Who the fuck are you?

He's the motherfucking Machine!

Oh, shit. Oh.

I'm bulletproof, baby!

Yeah!

Come on! Yeah!

Suck my dick, Captain America.

Machina!

♪ More human than human ♪

Oh!

♪ More human than human... ♪

What are you gonna do
with a stick? Come on.

I got your stick now.

Not too bad.

Dad, put your hands down.

Get down now! Come on!

God, I'm so strong!

Here we go.
Dad, Dad. Down, down.

Help me fuck up Lenin.

Let's do it.
Come on!

Oh!

Take that, Communist!

Hey. Eagle Scout.

We have a rematch.

Hammer, Dad.
Here.

♪ More human than human. ♪

Oh, titty boy.

I got you, son!

Dad! Dad!

Sorry, old man.

Absorb that, Sponge.

Oh, shit.

Dad. Get off!

You okay? You okay?

I... I saved you.

Yeah, you did.

Geez!
Oh, shit.

Come here!
Come on, Dad, let's walk.

Oh, shit. Shit. Let me see.

You... are nothing...

...but an ignorant, fat
American who has no respect.

Our father earned our respect.

Your father...

sells carpets.

I think I will make him
watch you die, Machine.

My name's not Machine.

My name is
Albert Charles Kreischer III.

Son to
Albert Charles Kreischer Jr.,

owner and operator
of Kreischer Karpets,

the best goddamn carpets you
can find in Southwest Florida!

Three convenient locations.

Tell him, Dad!

And if I ever see
your albino-looking ass again,

I'm gonna whip it
quick as a bitch.

And last but surely not least,

I'm gonna need that knife back.
That's a family heirloom.

Hmm.

You want knife?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, I wouldn't, I wouldn't
do it that way, though.

Oh.

I would have someone help you.

Oh, God. It's...

Oh, my Jesus.

That's how Steve Irwin died.

Oh, my God.

You work out every day?

That's...
Looks like an everyday thing.

Enough talk.
All right, yep.

Oh.

So, now's when we bang, huh?
Nyet.

Okay, here we go.

So you can fight.

I went to Florida State.

All we know how to do
is fight, fuck and drink.

And I can't fuck worth shit.

I just got that crown.

Would you like to know
why I hate you, Machine?

Oh, I'm dying to know.

All my life, men were measured
against your stupid legend.

"The beast."

"The man's man."

I say fuck that!

So I worked to make myself
better than you.

Stronger than you.

Look at you now, Machine.

You are nothing.

So dramatic, Alexei.

All these fucking speeches.

Irina.

Typical macho bullshit.

Oh, Dad!

Whoa, whoa, my arm!

Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry.

Son...

you didn't show fear.

Your watch, Papa.

I brought it here
to return it to you.

So...

It's clear that I have won.

Oh, Irina.

My beautiful daughter.

You want to take over?

You cannot even kill brother.

You become friends with idiot.

I would never
give this to you.

Actually, can I step in
for a second?

I think you guys
should talk it out.

Now, me and my dad...

This is Russia.
Okay, okay.

We don't do your weak America
lovey-huggy shit.

Da.

Hugs are for pussies.

That explains a lot.

Alexei understands.

It is why he will run family.

You are weak.

A leader must be a wolf.

Kill or be killed.

If you do not like it,

take it up with God.

But you first.

Did I do that?

I am definitely watching
"Family Matters"

when we get home.

Irina, we can work together.

I am your brother.

Shut the fuck up!

Take him to our family dacha
while I decide

which part of him to cut off
for his insolence.

Nyet!

Fuck you, bitch.
This is Russia.

Machine, I will
kill you someday!

I don't think so.
I will come for you!

I don't know about that.

Machine!
I can't hear you.

I will come for you!

Woo-hoo!

Go, me! Right?

That was awesome!

Thank you, Bert.
You inspired me.

Wait, how?
When you said

you're going to kill your dad
at Igor's house.

Oh, you said you were gonna
kill me?
Well, yeah.

You kicked me off a train.

Now go, before police shows up.

And, Bert.
Yeah?

Your daughter is sweet.

My DJ friend tells me
she's a good girl.

Some drugs,

but smoke, not snort.
Okay.

Good girl.
Yeah.

You're a good dad.

Keep it up.

Or else your daughter
may kill you.

Oh.

Ah.

Thanks, Irina.

See you around, pussy boy.

Hey, deuces. Bye.

Bye, girl.

- Dad?
- Keep it, sir. Thank you.

Dad, look. Mom said that...
Oh, my gosh!

There she is! Come here!
What?

Oh, my God, I love you.

I am so sorry.
You are a fantastic kid.

No, look.

I'm really sorry.
I was really mean at the party.

Look at us. We're apologizing.

I should be kidnapped to Russia
once a year

just to make this happen,
right?

What?

Oh, there's the smile.

You did that smile
when you were a little girl.

You're still my little girl.

Oh. And there's my woman.

Oh, well, well.
It's nice to see you two back.

I hope you worked out
your shit finally be...

Wow.

The fuck are you wearing?

Oh, my God, what is that smell?

Okay, these are clothes.

I do not know
what that smell is.

Did you go to Vegas?
I did not go to Vegas.

Where's your dad?
Dad's in Florida.

He's got a doctor buddy
he plays golf with

who doesn't ask any questions.

We could all use one of those,
right, guys? Am I kidding?

Dad! Hey!
Oh, there she is!

From the top rope!

Oh, my gosh!

Oh, I love you!
My favorite daughter!

Just kidding. I'm not kidding.
Hey.

I can't wait till
you get kidnapped.

What?
Guys, Dad's back!

Dad's back!
It's old-school Dad!

How was your week?

Oof. Complicated.

- Dear Ashley, are you still hot?
- I'm not.

I don't expect you
to forgive me,

but I wanted
to keep my promise.

Gifts are an important aspect
of Russian life.

So are apologies.

This is mine.

Last week, the subject
of your father came up,

and I thought
we could explore that.

Jesus Christ, Dad.
That Annika girl.

Did you wear condoms?
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Will you stop? Stop.

I'm just saying.
I don't want to hear it again.

Please put that
down the memory hole.

I can't, Dad. Geez.

Since when do you have
such a razor-sharp memory?

What happened...
Oh, when you say,

when you say things like,

"Your mom is
a missionary woman."

Oh, no!

Nah, we're good.

You and your father?

Yeah. We're thick as thieves.
Butch and Sundance.

Really?
Yeah.

Well, if you don't mind,

can I ask
how that resolved itself?

You can ask, but I don't think
you're gonna believe me.

Well, humor me.

Hmm.

All right.

When I was 48 years old,

I got involved with
the Russian mafia.

Here's how it happened.

♪ Father of mine ♪

♪ Tell me,
where have you been? ♪

♪ You know
I just closed my eyes ♪

♪ My whole world disappeared ♪

♪ Father of mine ♪

♪ Take me back to the day ♪

♪ Yeah, when I was still
your golden boy ♪

♪ Back before you went away ♪

♪ I remember blue skies,
walking the block ♪

♪ I loved it
when you held me high ♪

♪ I loved to hear you talk ♪

♪ You would take me
to the movie ♪

♪ You would
take me to the beach ♪

♪ You would take me
to a place inside ♪

♪ That's so hard to reach. ♪

What's up, Florida?

It's your boy, Bert Kreischer.

The Machine.

I love three things:

- having a great time...
- Yeah!

...making sure other people
have a great time...

Yeah!
...and quality carpets

delivered at
a reasonable price.

Oh, yeah!

That's why, if you're looking
for some acrylic,

wool, plush, saxony
or level loop--

- none of that nylon shit...
- Ew.

...you need to find your way
to a Kreischer Karpets.

It's my dad's business,
and he's right here.

Say hi, Dad.

Hey, son.
You can't say a swear on TV.

The best goddamn carpets
in Southwest Florida.

That's Kreischer Karpets,
spelled weirdly with a "K."

Take it off, Dad.

Okay, fine.

Did we mention we have
three convenient locations?