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This programme contains some
strong language and adult humour
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PHONE RINGS
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Happy Christmas, sis.
You going, then? Am I going where?
4
00:00:34,120 --> 00:00:36,800
It's Christmas Day!
You bloody well know where.
5
00:00:36,800 --> 00:00:40,440
To Dad's. The boot, Nigel!
6
00:00:40,440 --> 00:00:42,920
Wake up.
Well, are you?
7
00:00:42,920 --> 00:00:45,800
No, I've told you I'm not.
We're going to Nigel's folk
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00:00:45,800 --> 00:00:48,400
and the parasite is really
kicking off.
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Dad, she called me parasite again!
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00:00:50,360 --> 00:00:52,040
Well, you are a bloody parasite.
11
00:00:52,040 --> 00:00:53,760
You've ruined my body.
12
00:00:53,760 --> 00:00:55,120
Ruined it.
13
00:00:55,120 --> 00:00:56,920
You have to go, Wicky, end of.
14
00:00:56,920 --> 00:00:58,400
I've got plans.
15
00:00:58,400 --> 00:01:00,600
The White Horse are
doing a full Christmas dinner.
16
00:01:00,600 --> 00:01:02,200
Microwave turkey is dangerous,
Wicky.
17
00:01:02,200 --> 00:01:03,640
Have you not learnt from last time?
18
00:01:03,640 --> 00:01:05,920
It's not just the dinner -
Weasel's going a raffle
19
00:01:05,920 --> 00:01:07,280
during the King's Speech.
20
00:01:07,280 --> 00:01:09,320
You can win a horse.
Like, an actual horse.
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00:01:09,320 --> 00:01:10,400
It's Christmas, Wicky.
22
00:01:10,400 --> 00:01:13,000
You should be able to put
aside your differences at Christmas.
23
00:01:13,000 --> 00:01:14,840
YOU put aside my differences
at Christmas.
24
00:01:14,840 --> 00:01:16,440
Take him to Nigel's parents
with you.
25
00:01:16,440 --> 00:01:18,040
Well, I can't,
because of Pablo.
26
00:01:18,040 --> 00:01:19,280
Nigel's mum's allergic.
27
00:01:19,280 --> 00:01:21,680
Her throat puffs up like a toad.
28
00:01:21,680 --> 00:01:23,120
Who the hell's Pablo?
29
00:01:23,120 --> 00:01:24,320
Dad's new dog.
30
00:01:24,320 --> 00:01:25,600
I love Pablo!
31
00:01:25,600 --> 00:01:27,840
Yes.
We all know you love Pablo.
32
00:01:27,840 --> 00:01:30,880
My God,
they repeat themselves at this age.
33
00:01:30,880 --> 00:01:34,120
He's bought a dog?!
Yes. It's really cute.
34
00:01:34,120 --> 00:01:36,160
Have you any idea how many times
I asked him for a dog
35
00:01:36,160 --> 00:01:38,000
when we were kids?
It's all I ever wanted.
36
00:01:38,000 --> 00:01:39,560
And he used to say,
"Oh, no, they're..."
37
00:01:39,560 --> 00:01:41,080
BOTH: "..rats that bark and shit."
38
00:01:41,080 --> 00:01:43,280
Right, well, that's it.
I'm definitely not going.
39
00:01:43,280 --> 00:01:45,000
He deserves to be on his own
and you know it.
40
00:01:45,000 --> 00:01:46,880
And you're going to end
up just like him.
41
00:01:46,880 --> 00:01:50,280
Think about going round to Dad's,
Wicky. He's an old man.
42
00:01:50,280 --> 00:01:52,120
It's Christmas.
43
00:01:52,120 --> 00:01:53,200
Nigel!
44
00:01:53,200 --> 00:01:54,840
Will you open this bloody boot?!
45
00:01:57,040 --> 00:01:58,080
Right, then.
46
00:01:59,480 --> 00:02:00,560
Let's dance.
47
00:02:20,960 --> 00:02:24,320
Moderate-to-severe blood pooling,
limited staining on porous surfaces,
48
00:02:24,320 --> 00:02:26,640
but mostly fake marble and Formica.
49
00:02:26,640 --> 00:02:27,880
Two hours 30, tops.
50
00:02:28,960 --> 00:02:31,920
And then Turkey, pint, new horse.
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00:02:31,920 --> 00:02:33,400
Let's have it, Santa.
52
00:02:37,480 --> 00:02:39,520
# Santa, baby
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00:02:39,520 --> 00:02:43,800
# Slip the sable under
the tree for me
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00:02:45,400 --> 00:02:47,520
# I've been an awful good girl
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00:02:48,880 --> 00:02:50,280
# Santa, baby
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# So hurry down the chimney tonight
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00:02:59,400 --> 00:03:00,600
# Santa, baby
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00:03:01,640 --> 00:03:05,360
# A '54 convertible too
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00:03:05,360 --> 00:03:06,520
# Bright blue
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00:03:07,880 --> 00:03:10,640
# Well, I'll wait up for you, dear,
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00:03:10,640 --> 00:03:11,800
# Santa, baby
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00:03:12,760 --> 00:03:16,880
# So hurry down the chimney tonight
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00:03:20,960 --> 00:03:27,880
# So hurry down the chimney
toni... #
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00:03:27,880 --> 00:03:28,920
Hey!
65
00:03:30,920 --> 00:03:32,560
Get out of it.
66
00:03:32,560 --> 00:03:34,760
Good afternoon.
My name is Robert Kendrick.
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00:03:34,760 --> 00:03:37,920
The parlour's closed.
The parlour's...
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00:03:41,080 --> 00:03:42,760
Good afternoon.
My name is Robert...
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00:03:42,760 --> 00:03:44,240
What are you doing here, kid?
70
00:03:44,240 --> 00:03:46,080
It's Sunday. And...? Every Sunday,
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00:03:46,080 --> 00:03:49,120
I get a peach melba ice cream
in Alberto's.
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00:03:49,120 --> 00:03:50,760
It's Christmas Day.
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00:03:50,760 --> 00:03:54,080
It is also Sunday.
Right.
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00:03:54,080 --> 00:03:56,720
OK. Listen, Robert...
Robert Kendrick. Yes, listen,
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00:03:56,720 --> 00:03:59,920
Robert Kendrick,
the parlour is closed.
76
00:03:59,920 --> 00:04:01,360
Most shops are closed.
77
00:04:01,360 --> 00:04:02,760
It's Christmas Day.
78
00:04:02,760 --> 00:04:05,040
Alberto opens EVERY Sunday.
79
00:04:05,040 --> 00:04:08,120
He is an Italian-Jewish person,
so he does not celebrate Christmas.
80
00:04:08,120 --> 00:04:10,680
Now, could you please inform
Alberto that
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00:04:10,680 --> 00:04:12,760
I've arrived for my peach melba?
82
00:04:12,760 --> 00:04:15,360
OK. You probably shouldn't hear
this on the news. Come in.
83
00:04:19,240 --> 00:04:21,280
I'm sorry to have to break
this to you, Robert,
84
00:04:21,280 --> 00:04:22,840
but Alberto's passed.
85
00:04:25,000 --> 00:04:27,120
On. He's passed on.
86
00:04:28,120 --> 00:04:29,720
He's...
87
00:04:29,720 --> 00:04:32,240
He's gone over to the other side.
88
00:04:32,240 --> 00:04:35,440
He's left this earthly plane.
89
00:04:35,440 --> 00:04:37,920
He's a...he's a cloud gardener.
90
00:04:38,960 --> 00:04:41,160
He dances with the angels, Robert.
91
00:04:41,160 --> 00:04:43,560
He is...
92
00:04:44,600 --> 00:04:46,240
He's got two goose arms.
93
00:04:48,080 --> 00:04:50,720
You're trying to tell me
Alberto is dead.
94
00:04:50,720 --> 00:04:51,760
I'm afraid so.
95
00:04:56,600 --> 00:04:58,320
Oh...
96
00:04:58,320 --> 00:05:01,200
Then I shall need to know the
cause of death.
97
00:05:01,200 --> 00:05:02,280
For my journal.
98
00:05:02,280 --> 00:05:05,560
Oh, OK.
99
00:05:05,560 --> 00:05:07,760
He was killed. How?
100
00:05:07,760 --> 00:05:11,200
A bad man hit him with a plank.
101
00:05:11,200 --> 00:05:13,080
A plank is not a suitable weapon.
102
00:05:13,080 --> 00:05:15,640
It might have been a plank. But you
said it was a plank just now.
103
00:05:15,640 --> 00:05:18,040
Yeah, I know, but...
Was it a plank or not?
104
00:05:18,040 --> 00:05:19,480
It might have been a bat.
105
00:05:19,480 --> 00:05:21,080
Cricket bat or a baseball bat?
106
00:05:21,080 --> 00:05:22,400
Cricket?
107
00:05:23,600 --> 00:05:26,280
Alberto was battered to death.
108
00:05:26,280 --> 00:05:27,480
Cricket bat. ..bat.
109
00:05:29,720 --> 00:05:31,200
I didn't do it.
110
00:05:31,200 --> 00:05:34,800
I'll be sure to tell the police
they can rule you out.
111
00:05:34,800 --> 00:05:36,120
You better go home.
112
00:05:36,120 --> 00:05:39,720
Alberto said he'd take me
home at 5:42pm.
113
00:05:39,720 --> 00:05:44,320
That's the time my bus usually goes
home. As there are no buses
114
00:05:44,320 --> 00:05:47,800
on Christmas Day, Alberto said he'd
take me home at the same time.
115
00:05:47,800 --> 00:05:51,280
5:42pm. I'm a valued customer.
116
00:05:51,280 --> 00:05:54,760
Alberto can't drive because
of the whole dead thing.
117
00:05:54,760 --> 00:05:58,800
I'm afraid the parlour is closed,
even to valued customers.
118
00:05:58,800 --> 00:06:00,240
So...
119
00:06:00,240 --> 00:06:04,480
But you're here and you're just
a cleaner. Be that as it may,
120
00:06:04,480 --> 00:06:07,080
clean I must.
So, if you'll forgive me, Robert...
121
00:06:07,080 --> 00:06:09,160
Robert Kendrick. Yes.
122
00:06:22,040 --> 00:06:23,560
PHONE RINGS
123
00:06:25,160 --> 00:06:26,200
HE SIGHS
124
00:06:27,840 --> 00:06:29,040
I'm not going.
125
00:06:30,080 --> 00:06:32,280
We've just popped in there.
126
00:06:32,280 --> 00:06:34,360
Listen, he's really sorry.
127
00:06:34,360 --> 00:06:36,160
He says he thinks
about you all the time.
128
00:06:36,160 --> 00:06:38,400
He actually thinks a lot
of his past behaviour was caused
129
00:06:38,400 --> 00:06:40,080
by his lactose intolerance.
130
00:06:40,080 --> 00:06:43,280
Oh, for God's sake,
will you listen to yourself?
131
00:06:43,280 --> 00:06:44,920
He's going to write you a letter.
132
00:06:44,920 --> 00:06:47,360
He's going to write a letter?
What, on a betting slip?
133
00:06:47,360 --> 00:06:50,200
He says he's changed.
He wants you to meet the dog, Wicky.
134
00:06:50,200 --> 00:06:51,440
I love Pablo!
135
00:06:51,440 --> 00:06:53,040
Yes, we know.
136
00:06:53,040 --> 00:06:56,080
First you wreck my tits
and now you drive me crazy.
137
00:06:56,080 --> 00:06:58,120
If I could turn back time.
138
00:07:01,760 --> 00:07:03,360
I'd like a peach melba,
please.
139
00:07:06,240 --> 00:07:08,560
Am I missing something here, mate?
140
00:07:08,560 --> 00:07:10,080
The parlour is closed.
141
00:07:10,080 --> 00:07:12,960
You have forgotten my name
and used mate as a replacement.
142
00:07:12,960 --> 00:07:15,000
I should have formally
introduced myself.
143
00:07:15,000 --> 00:07:16,760
I haven't forgotten your name.
144
00:07:16,760 --> 00:07:19,040
The parlour is closed.
145
00:07:19,040 --> 00:07:21,280
My name is Robert Kendrick.
I am 22 years old.
146
00:07:21,280 --> 00:07:23,920
At least we're getting some
new information through now.
147
00:07:23,920 --> 00:07:26,400
I live in Norford, a 23-minute
bus journey from here.
148
00:07:26,400 --> 00:07:28,320
Hand me a pen,
I'll ghost-write your memoirs.
149
00:07:28,320 --> 00:07:30,000
And I'm autistic.
150
00:07:30,000 --> 00:07:31,960
Yes, well, that's...
151
00:07:35,160 --> 00:07:36,880
..fantastic!
152
00:07:36,880 --> 00:07:38,520
Is it...because of the...
153
00:07:40,120 --> 00:07:42,160
..welcoming...
154
00:07:42,160 --> 00:07:44,400
We want to include, welcome.
155
00:07:45,560 --> 00:07:47,640
We're all welcome here, aren't we?
156
00:07:47,640 --> 00:07:49,200
It's the pizza of life.
157
00:07:49,200 --> 00:07:52,800
What do we want?
Do we want just cheese? NO.
158
00:07:52,800 --> 00:07:56,440
We want to put some pickles on
it if we want.
159
00:07:56,440 --> 00:08:00,920
I think, and I think everyone thinks
this, everyone is a little bit
160
00:08:00,920 --> 00:08:02,920
autistic, aren't they?
161
00:08:02,920 --> 00:08:04,760
No.
No.
162
00:08:04,760 --> 00:08:06,840
Who said that?
I did. Am I autistic?
163
00:08:06,840 --> 00:08:08,600
No, I'm not autistic.
164
00:08:08,600 --> 00:08:09,800
You're autistic.
165
00:08:09,800 --> 00:08:13,400
And that...is...good.
166
00:08:16,080 --> 00:08:17,880
Alan Turing was autistic.
167
00:08:17,880 --> 00:08:20,080
The mathematician who helped
to crack the Enigma code
168
00:08:20,080 --> 00:08:23,000
during World War II and saved
hundreds of thousands of lives.
169
00:08:23,000 --> 00:08:24,880
Do you know what the authorities
did to him?
170
00:08:24,880 --> 00:08:26,880
Well, I'm hoping they gave him
a lovely medal.
171
00:08:26,880 --> 00:08:29,520
They castrated him
because he was a homosexual. Mm.
172
00:08:29,520 --> 00:08:32,160
Chemically. His testicles
became redundant.
173
00:08:32,160 --> 00:08:34,000
Well, I know that feeling.
174
00:08:34,000 --> 00:08:36,240
You do? Are you a homosexual?
No.
175
00:08:36,240 --> 00:08:38,760
I'm disgusted by my own
genitals, Roberto.
176
00:08:38,760 --> 00:08:41,720
I don't want to get another man's
involved, but good luck
177
00:08:41,720 --> 00:08:43,840
to those lads.
Could be that your testosterone
178
00:08:43,840 --> 00:08:46,080
levels have naturally lowered
because of your age.
179
00:08:46,080 --> 00:08:47,760
Have you found you're
developing breasts?
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Peach melba.
181
00:08:50,000 --> 00:08:51,200
Coming right up.
182
00:08:51,200 --> 00:08:53,480
And then we can all go
for Christmas, can't we?
183
00:08:53,480 --> 00:08:56,520
Who gave you permission
to go behind the red line?
184
00:08:56,520 --> 00:08:58,240
Erm...
185
00:08:58,240 --> 00:09:00,800
..the police gave me permission. Hm.
186
00:09:00,800 --> 00:09:03,480
The red line authority went
from Alberto to the police.
187
00:09:03,480 --> 00:09:06,080
Alberto always told me I would never
be able to cross the red line
188
00:09:06,080 --> 00:09:07,920
for health and safety reasons.
189
00:09:07,920 --> 00:09:11,760
The police have vetted me
for health and safety reasons,
190
00:09:11,760 --> 00:09:14,680
and they have confirmed
that I am safe and...
191
00:09:16,440 --> 00:09:18,080
..health.
192
00:09:18,080 --> 00:09:20,400
How do you make a melba?
193
00:09:20,400 --> 00:09:22,000
One scoop of chocolate ice cream.
194
00:09:22,000 --> 00:09:23,520
One scoop of vanilla ice cream.
195
00:09:23,520 --> 00:09:24,960
One scoop of peach ice cream.
196
00:09:24,960 --> 00:09:26,400
Then cream on top of the ice cream.
197
00:09:26,400 --> 00:09:28,440
Then white chocolate flakes
on top of the cream.
198
00:09:28,440 --> 00:09:30,280
And then on top of the white
chocolate flakes
199
00:09:30,280 --> 00:09:31,640
is raspberry sauce. Right.
200
00:09:31,640 --> 00:09:33,320
And then a chocolate stick.
201
00:09:33,320 --> 00:09:36,320
Except I get two chocolate sticks
because I'm a valued customer.
202
00:09:41,240 --> 00:09:42,400
LOUD CLANGING
203
00:09:45,400 --> 00:09:46,480
So...
204
00:09:48,200 --> 00:09:50,520
Vanilla. But the... What's next?
205
00:09:50,520 --> 00:09:52,520
But the... What's next?
206
00:09:52,520 --> 00:09:54,800
Peach. It's a peach melba. Right.
207
00:09:54,800 --> 00:09:56,640
But that's not vanilla.
208
00:09:56,640 --> 00:09:58,880
That is banana. There is no banana.
209
00:10:00,120 --> 00:10:01,160
OK.
210
00:10:03,360 --> 00:10:05,800
Now there is banana residue
on my glass.
211
00:10:08,480 --> 00:10:09,600
Not a problem.
212
00:10:13,280 --> 00:10:15,960
And...vanilla.
213
00:10:15,960 --> 00:10:18,440
Yes, but... Ah-ah. Peach.
214
00:10:18,440 --> 00:10:20,200
It's a peach melba, after all.
215
00:10:20,200 --> 00:10:22,720
And then...cream.
216
00:10:22,720 --> 00:10:26,120
And - I haven't forgotten -
217
00:10:26,120 --> 00:10:28,120
white chocolate flakes.
218
00:10:28,120 --> 00:10:29,360
Thank you.
219
00:10:29,360 --> 00:10:32,480
And next... Now raspberry sauce
in an arcing motion.
220
00:10:32,480 --> 00:10:34,640
In a...? Arcing motion.
221
00:10:34,640 --> 00:10:39,280
Or the sauce will pull.
If I don't arc, the sauce will pull.
222
00:10:39,280 --> 00:10:43,080
Finally...a chocolate stick.
223
00:10:43,080 --> 00:10:45,400
Except I get two.
Except you get
224
00:10:45,400 --> 00:10:52,080
two chocolate sticks, because you
are valued customer Robert...
225
00:10:52,080 --> 00:10:53,400
..Kendrick.
226
00:10:53,400 --> 00:10:56,040
There is no scoop of chocolate.
You never mentioned chocolate.
227
00:10:56,040 --> 00:10:58,800
I mentioned chocolate. Pretty sure
you didn't mention chocolate.
228
00:10:58,800 --> 00:11:00,880
Would it be helpful if I wrote
it all down for you?
229
00:11:00,880 --> 00:11:03,480
No, it wouldn't be helpful
if you wrote it all down for me.
230
00:11:03,480 --> 00:11:04,920
Do you find me irritating?
231
00:11:04,920 --> 00:11:06,800
Oh, well...
You seem to find irritating.
232
00:11:06,800 --> 00:11:08,360
I don't find you irritating.
233
00:11:08,360 --> 00:11:11,800
Perfectly OK if you do find me
irritating. I know I can be.
234
00:11:11,800 --> 00:11:14,880
Not...to...me.
235
00:11:19,760 --> 00:11:21,360
The chocolate goes under
the vanilla.
236
00:11:21,360 --> 00:11:22,960
Are you joking?
How can that be a joke?
237
00:11:22,960 --> 00:11:24,200
It's just a fact.
238
00:11:24,200 --> 00:11:26,720
Alberto calls the chocolate
the soil the house is built on.
239
00:11:26,720 --> 00:11:29,880
Silly me for not knowing
the melba protocol.
240
00:11:29,880 --> 00:11:33,320
I'd better go back to university!
241
00:11:33,320 --> 00:11:34,760
ROBERT WHIMPERS
242
00:11:34,760 --> 00:11:37,520
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Oh, hey,
hey. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Sorry.
243
00:11:37,520 --> 00:11:39,840
My fault. It was my fault.
244
00:11:39,840 --> 00:11:42,480
I'm in trouble, aren't I?
No, no, no, no, no.
245
00:11:42,480 --> 00:11:43,880
I'll clean it up.
246
00:11:43,880 --> 00:11:45,160
That's my job.
247
00:11:45,160 --> 00:11:49,800
And then I'll make another peach
melba, in Alberto's, on a Sunday.
248
00:12:00,880 --> 00:12:02,600
Who killed Alberto?
249
00:12:02,600 --> 00:12:04,400
He was nice.
250
00:12:04,400 --> 00:12:06,880
Why would anyone want to kill him?
251
00:12:06,880 --> 00:12:09,520
Do you know what playing away means?
Alberto was too obese to be
252
00:12:09,520 --> 00:12:12,160
involved with organised sports
so I presume you mean that he was
253
00:12:12,160 --> 00:12:14,480
having sexual intercourse with
another man's wife?
254
00:12:14,480 --> 00:12:16,200
You do know what it means.
Of course.
255
00:12:16,200 --> 00:12:19,840
Mr Ferguson, the deputy manager
at Runcorn House, was repeatedly
256
00:12:19,840 --> 00:12:21,920
being unfaithful to his partner...
257
00:12:21,920 --> 00:12:25,160
..until he developed scrotal
lesions. Back on testicles again,
258
00:12:25,160 --> 00:12:28,840
Robert. If the man's wife was having
sex with Alberto,
259
00:12:28,840 --> 00:12:32,960
then maybe that just means Alberto
was better at sex than the man.
260
00:12:32,960 --> 00:12:33,960
Yeah.
261
00:12:35,160 --> 00:12:37,480
Maybe Alberto
was good with his hands.
262
00:12:37,480 --> 00:12:38,920
What's Runcorn House?
263
00:12:38,920 --> 00:12:40,640
It's a placement.
264
00:12:40,640 --> 00:12:42,800
A home?
I don't like calling it that.
265
00:12:42,800 --> 00:12:44,600
It's not the right word.
266
00:12:44,600 --> 00:12:45,880
Listen, I've got to go.
267
00:12:45,880 --> 00:12:48,920
I'll give you a lift back
to Runcorn. I leave at 5:42.
268
00:12:48,920 --> 00:12:50,920
Look, I've got to go, mate.
You can't stay here.
269
00:12:50,920 --> 00:12:53,680
I leave at 5:42 every Sunday.
270
00:12:53,680 --> 00:12:55,640
Are you not going to miss your
Christmas dinner?
271
00:12:55,640 --> 00:12:58,000
The only thing I really like is
the Christmas crackers.
272
00:12:58,000 --> 00:12:59,880
I really like the jokes!
273
00:12:59,880 --> 00:13:02,200
What's the wettest animal
in the world?
274
00:13:02,200 --> 00:13:03,320
A RAIN-deer!
275
00:13:05,160 --> 00:13:08,040
Would you get me cross Santa
with a duck?
276
00:13:08,040 --> 00:13:10,640
Christmas QUACK-ers.
CHUCKLES
277
00:13:10,640 --> 00:13:14,720
Oh. It's not nice to ruin a joke,
you know. My father always laughed
278
00:13:14,720 --> 00:13:16,920
at my jokes,
even if he'd heard them.
279
00:13:16,920 --> 00:13:19,400
Was it your dad that brought
you here? Yes.
280
00:13:19,400 --> 00:13:22,240
And when was that?
When I was 14.
281
00:13:22,240 --> 00:13:24,680
You've been coming to Alberto's
all that time?
282
00:13:24,680 --> 00:13:28,120
Yes. Every Sunday until the day
he broke my arm.
283
00:13:28,120 --> 00:13:29,600
He what?
284
00:13:29,600 --> 00:13:31,640
I was being stupid and not
understanding things,
285
00:13:31,640 --> 00:13:33,120
so he pushed me off my chair.
286
00:13:33,120 --> 00:13:35,040
And quite rightly too.
287
00:13:35,040 --> 00:13:38,600
And in the hospital,
I said I fell from a ladder.
288
00:13:38,600 --> 00:13:41,240
But that's...that's not true,
Robert.
289
00:13:41,240 --> 00:13:43,720
I know you're not supposed to tell
lies, but my father told me
290
00:13:43,720 --> 00:13:45,360
this was an emergency lie.
291
00:13:45,360 --> 00:13:47,640
Otherwise, the police would come
and take me and put me
292
00:13:47,640 --> 00:13:49,200
in a treatment unit.
293
00:13:50,400 --> 00:13:53,320
We carried on having peach melbas
on a Sunday for a while.
294
00:13:53,320 --> 00:13:55,640
Until one day my dad came
and told me
295
00:13:55,640 --> 00:13:57,960
that I had to go into a placement.
296
00:13:57,960 --> 00:14:01,480
Oh. The place with the guy
with the bad balls.
297
00:14:01,480 --> 00:14:02,640
No? No.
298
00:14:04,040 --> 00:14:05,840
Listen,
299
00:14:05,840 --> 00:14:07,480
I'm sorry he left you.
300
00:14:07,480 --> 00:14:09,120
Why?
301
00:14:09,120 --> 00:14:11,560
He'd just started a new job,
so he would be very busy
302
00:14:11,560 --> 00:14:13,720
and be moving around a lot.
303
00:14:13,720 --> 00:14:17,240
As soon as he settles,
he's coming to get me.
304
00:14:17,240 --> 00:14:18,280
Right.
305
00:14:19,280 --> 00:14:21,120
Every Sunday, my father knows
306
00:14:21,120 --> 00:14:23,760
I'll be in Alberto's eating
peach melba ice cream.
307
00:14:23,760 --> 00:14:25,160
He might even come today.
308
00:14:25,160 --> 00:14:27,400
He knows I'll be here until 5:42.
309
00:14:30,240 --> 00:14:32,040
Robert?
310
00:14:32,040 --> 00:14:34,080
Do you think maybe
you should forget him?
311
00:14:35,400 --> 00:14:38,600
Why would anyone want to forget
their father?
312
00:14:38,600 --> 00:14:41,720
Maybe some fathers deserve
to be forgotten.
313
00:14:41,720 --> 00:14:45,200
Do you not like your father? Why?
314
00:14:45,200 --> 00:14:47,680
I suppose because once
you're a father,
315
00:14:47,680 --> 00:14:49,960
you're not supposed to be selfish.
316
00:14:49,960 --> 00:14:53,400
You know? Once you're a dad,
that comes before everything.
317
00:14:55,840 --> 00:14:57,320
Hmm.
318
00:14:57,320 --> 00:15:00,600
And because I always wanted a dog,
and now he's bought himself one.
319
00:15:19,800 --> 00:15:24,720
ALARM BEEPS
320
00:15:46,600 --> 00:15:48,320
Oh, come on!
321
00:15:48,320 --> 00:15:50,880
No-one told me about this.
322
00:15:50,880 --> 00:15:52,560
No, I'm not doing this.
323
00:15:52,560 --> 00:15:53,520
No.
324
00:15:56,760 --> 00:15:58,640
DOOR LOCKS
325
00:16:00,440 --> 00:16:01,840
HE GROANS
326
00:16:10,680 --> 00:16:12,080
HE KNOCKS
327
00:16:15,920 --> 00:16:18,000
Robert?
328
00:16:18,000 --> 00:16:21,960
Robert! Robert?
329
00:16:21,960 --> 00:16:23,840
Robert, the door's stuck!
330
00:16:25,720 --> 00:16:28,520
Robert? Robert!
331
00:16:38,200 --> 00:16:41,440
PHONE RINGS
332
00:16:44,960 --> 00:16:46,960
Good afternoon.
My name is Robert Kendrick.
333
00:16:46,960 --> 00:16:49,880
Robert, thank goodness
you're still there. It's me, Wicky.
334
00:16:49,880 --> 00:16:51,240
Who is this?
335
00:16:51,240 --> 00:16:53,880
It's me. Wicky. The guy who just
made you the peach melba.
336
00:16:53,880 --> 00:16:55,920
Wicky? That's a strange name.
337
00:16:55,920 --> 00:16:58,760
It's a nickname, so... Whatever.
338
00:16:58,760 --> 00:17:02,840
Robert, my real name's Paul. OK?
Paul Wickstead. Right?
339
00:17:02,840 --> 00:17:05,800
Now, listen, I'm stuck
in the freezer downstairs.
340
00:17:05,800 --> 00:17:07,640
Is this another Christmas joke?
341
00:17:07,640 --> 00:17:09,200
No, I'm stuck in the freezer, kid.
342
00:17:09,200 --> 00:17:11,560
I didn't do it.
I know you didn't.
343
00:17:11,560 --> 00:17:13,680
Robert, listen, I need you
to come downstairs
344
00:17:13,680 --> 00:17:15,840
and open the freezer door
for me, all right?
345
00:17:15,840 --> 00:17:17,920
But I don't have permission
to cross the red line.
346
00:17:19,600 --> 00:17:22,640
OK, Robert, listen,
you have my permission.
347
00:17:22,640 --> 00:17:24,720
But I need Alberto's permission.
348
00:17:24,720 --> 00:17:26,520
But he's dead. Do you remember?
349
00:17:26,520 --> 00:17:29,440
So I need the police's permission,
like you got.
350
00:17:29,440 --> 00:17:31,840
Alberto always told me,
"Robert, no cross the..."
351
00:17:33,680 --> 00:17:34,720
Robert?
352
00:17:36,920 --> 00:17:38,200
Robert?
353
00:17:40,560 --> 00:17:42,000
Are you still there?
354
00:17:43,480 --> 00:17:45,120
I'm sorry.
355
00:17:45,120 --> 00:17:46,920
Alberto was my friend.
356
00:17:46,920 --> 00:17:50,160
Alberto always told me
not to cross the red line.
357
00:17:50,160 --> 00:17:53,640
So I must respect his wish
now that he has gone.
358
00:17:53,640 --> 00:17:55,600
RIP, Alberto.
359
00:17:55,600 --> 00:17:57,560
No, no, no, no, no, no. Robert?
360
00:17:57,560 --> 00:17:59,880
Robert? Robert?
361
00:18:01,520 --> 00:18:02,960
Robert!
362
00:18:04,280 --> 00:18:07,760
Robert! Robert!
363
00:18:14,480 --> 00:18:16,960
PHONE RINGS
364
00:18:24,720 --> 00:18:26,840
PHONE CONTINUES TO RING
365
00:18:34,520 --> 00:18:35,640
Good afternoon.
366
00:18:35,640 --> 00:18:38,680
Hey, Robert. You're still there.
It's me again.
367
00:18:38,680 --> 00:18:41,760
I don't like shouting,
so I've made you quieter now.
368
00:18:41,760 --> 00:18:43,760
Yeah, yeah, OK.
I'm sorry about that.
369
00:18:43,760 --> 00:18:47,000
Listen, I am going to need
your help to get out of this freezer
370
00:18:47,000 --> 00:18:50,280
because it really is starting
to live up to its reputation now.
371
00:18:50,280 --> 00:18:53,200
But I don't have permission to cross
the red line, and that is that.
372
00:18:53,200 --> 00:18:54,920
Robert, I'm in trouble here, mate!
373
00:18:54,920 --> 00:18:57,720
Sorry. Robert? Robbie? Roberto?
374
00:18:57,720 --> 00:19:00,320
Robert, please. Yeah. Sorry.
375
00:19:00,320 --> 00:19:03,760
Robert, do you have your own phone?
376
00:19:03,760 --> 00:19:06,320
Yes, I do, but
I don't use it very often.
377
00:19:06,320 --> 00:19:09,200
The phone company keep ringing me
to ask if I want more data,
378
00:19:09,200 --> 00:19:11,320
but I keep telling them
I've quite sufficient data,
379
00:19:11,320 --> 00:19:12,720
thank you very much. Robert...
380
00:19:12,720 --> 00:19:15,240
Did you know people in Finland have
unlimited access to data?
381
00:19:15,240 --> 00:19:16,560
I couldn't give a shit.
382
00:19:16,560 --> 00:19:19,400
Sorry. Sorry, Robert. Don't hang up.
Don't hang up. Don't hang up.
383
00:19:19,400 --> 00:19:20,640
Robert...
384
00:19:20,640 --> 00:19:24,000
I don't really care about
tariffs for phones in Finland,
385
00:19:24,000 --> 00:19:25,440
but if you want to talk about it,
386
00:19:25,440 --> 00:19:27,040
we'll talk about it as
much as you like
387
00:19:27,040 --> 00:19:28,640
as soon as I'm out of the freezer.
388
00:19:28,640 --> 00:19:31,800
So, listen, I know
you can't cross the red line
389
00:19:31,800 --> 00:19:34,920
and I don't want you to,
but can you do something for me?
390
00:19:34,920 --> 00:19:36,720
Would you phone 999?
391
00:19:36,720 --> 00:19:38,800
But that is the emergency services.
392
00:19:38,800 --> 00:19:40,640
Yeah, because here's the thing,
393
00:19:40,640 --> 00:19:43,680
the fat man freezing to death
is kind of an emergency.
394
00:19:43,680 --> 00:19:45,520
I need you to call the police.
395
00:19:45,520 --> 00:19:46,800
Has a law been broken?
396
00:19:46,800 --> 00:19:49,120
It will be if
I ever get out of here, kid.
397
00:19:49,120 --> 00:19:50,600
Sorry. Sorry.
398
00:19:53,000 --> 00:19:54,440
Call the police.
399
00:19:54,440 --> 00:19:56,320
But they will ask questions.
400
00:19:56,320 --> 00:19:58,520
I'm not allowed to
answer police questions.
401
00:19:58,520 --> 00:20:00,160
Remember? I promised my father.
402
00:20:00,160 --> 00:20:01,640
I am your father!
403
00:20:01,640 --> 00:20:03,120
What? I don't know.
404
00:20:03,120 --> 00:20:06,440
I'm not thinking straight.
Call the police.
405
00:20:06,440 --> 00:20:09,280
But if my father finds out,
he might not come back.
406
00:20:09,280 --> 00:20:11,760
Your father is wrong, OK?
407
00:20:11,760 --> 00:20:14,040
The police are
the right people to ring.
408
00:20:14,040 --> 00:20:15,400
They'll know what to do.
409
00:20:15,400 --> 00:20:18,640
Call the police. My father told me
exactly what would happen.
410
00:20:18,640 --> 00:20:21,280
I would become a fugitive
from justice and have to descend
411
00:20:21,280 --> 00:20:24,240
into the criminal underbelly
in order to procure false papers
412
00:20:24,240 --> 00:20:27,000
but the police would corner me
in a warehouse... What? ..and there
413
00:20:27,000 --> 00:20:29,200
would be a helicopter with
a spotlight, with a man with a
414
00:20:29,200 --> 00:20:31,760
megaphone wearing a blue jacket...
Robert... ..with "police"
415
00:20:31,760 --> 00:20:34,760
on the back. He would tell me I must
remain calm and that I'm surrounded
416
00:20:34,760 --> 00:20:36,720
but there would be a sniper perched
on the roof
417
00:20:36,720 --> 00:20:39,520
of an apartment building... Robert!
418
00:20:39,520 --> 00:20:41,200
Yes?
419
00:20:41,200 --> 00:20:45,280
Has it ever occurred to you that
your father might not be come...
420
00:20:48,320 --> 00:20:50,320
Hey, Robert?
421
00:20:50,320 --> 00:20:52,000
Is my phone up there?
422
00:20:52,000 --> 00:20:53,960
PHONE RINGS
423
00:20:55,760 --> 00:20:57,240
Sis. Sis!
424
00:20:57,240 --> 00:20:59,080
Shithead. Have you been round?
425
00:20:59,080 --> 00:21:01,320
No, no, listen.
I've got a real situation here.
426
00:21:01,320 --> 00:21:02,920
You've got a situation?
427
00:21:02,920 --> 00:21:05,440
The kid's throwing up
all over Nigel's mum's rug
428
00:21:05,440 --> 00:21:08,720
and its dad is sitting in the car
listening to true crime podcasts
429
00:21:08,720 --> 00:21:10,040
and drinking Babycham.
430
00:21:10,040 --> 00:21:12,560
Listen. I need you.
I'm not asking for much, Wicky.
431
00:21:12,560 --> 00:21:15,320
I just want you to
swallow your pride this year.
432
00:21:15,320 --> 00:21:17,760
Who prioritises a horse raffle
over their own family?
433
00:21:17,760 --> 00:21:20,040
It's got nothing to do
with a horse raffle. Listen...
434
00:21:20,040 --> 00:21:22,520
Oh, God, the bloody kid's
throwing up Haribos again.
435
00:21:22,520 --> 00:21:24,280
Step away from the bloody rug!
436
00:21:24,280 --> 00:21:26,480
I'm trapped in a freezer.
I need you to call the police.
437
00:21:26,480 --> 00:21:29,680
Sis! I sometimes think
that you got it right, you know,
438
00:21:29,680 --> 00:21:32,160
never marrying. Sis! Go and see Dad.
439
00:21:32,160 --> 00:21:34,800
If you don't want to do that,
write him a letter or something.
440
00:21:34,800 --> 00:21:37,640
Sis! Put him out of his misery.
You owe him that at least.
441
00:21:37,640 --> 00:21:40,200
I'm trapped in a freezer.
I need you to call the police.
442
00:21:40,200 --> 00:21:42,080
DISCONNECT TONE
Sis!
443
00:21:46,600 --> 00:21:48,280
Thank you.
444
00:22:08,960 --> 00:22:11,040
PHONE RINGS
445
00:22:25,360 --> 00:22:26,800
Robert Kendrick?
446
00:22:28,040 --> 00:22:29,880
I thought it might be you.
447
00:22:29,880 --> 00:22:32,040
That's what it says
on the front of this letter.
448
00:22:32,040 --> 00:22:33,280
Robert Kendrick.
449
00:22:37,720 --> 00:22:39,960
I don't understand.
450
00:22:39,960 --> 00:22:41,600
I found a letter.
451
00:22:41,600 --> 00:22:44,480
On the front, it says, "To Robert
Kendrick, from his father."
452
00:22:46,720 --> 00:22:49,600
A letter from my father? But how?
453
00:22:49,600 --> 00:22:54,360
I don't know. I guess maybe
he gave it to Alberto to look after
454
00:22:54,360 --> 00:22:57,280
and during the fight maybe it fell
out of his pocket or something.
455
00:22:57,280 --> 00:22:58,680
Something like that.
456
00:22:59,920 --> 00:23:01,520
What does the letter say?
457
00:23:01,520 --> 00:23:03,280
I don't have permission to open it.
458
00:23:03,280 --> 00:23:05,960
Opening other people's mail is...
It's a criminal offence.
459
00:23:05,960 --> 00:23:07,800
And I don't have permission, Robert.
460
00:23:07,800 --> 00:23:09,640
You have my permission.
461
00:23:09,640 --> 00:23:12,320
Hmm. That's not good enough, I'm
afraid. I need written permission
462
00:23:12,320 --> 00:23:13,920
or the judge would throw
the book at me.
463
00:23:13,920 --> 00:23:16,640
Then I'd get into a shoot-out
with the police, Robert, you know?
464
00:23:16,640 --> 00:23:18,760
What book would the judge throw?
465
00:23:20,240 --> 00:23:21,600
The Bible.
466
00:23:25,320 --> 00:23:28,800
MUSIC: Carol of the Bells
467
00:23:31,760 --> 00:23:33,400
Please. Please. Please.
468
00:23:35,040 --> 00:23:36,840
One...
469
00:23:36,840 --> 00:23:38,200
..two...
470
00:23:39,600 --> 00:23:41,720
..three...
471
00:23:41,720 --> 00:23:43,400
..four...
472
00:23:44,800 --> 00:23:46,400
..five...
473
00:23:46,400 --> 00:23:47,720
..six...
474
00:23:57,040 --> 00:23:59,200
Hello, Robert Kendrick.
475
00:24:05,320 --> 00:24:06,720
You lied to me.
476
00:24:07,720 --> 00:24:09,640
There's no letter.
477
00:24:09,640 --> 00:24:13,760
Oh, no! What did I do
with that letter?
478
00:24:13,760 --> 00:24:15,360
You're a liar.
479
00:24:15,360 --> 00:24:19,400
No. I just must have
dropped it down there.
480
00:24:19,400 --> 00:24:20,600
I'll get it.
481
00:24:33,000 --> 00:24:34,320
There.
482
00:24:36,040 --> 00:24:39,640
Uh... I thought I might
read it for you, if you...
483
00:24:45,320 --> 00:24:47,760
"Dear Robert, this is your father."
484
00:24:47,760 --> 00:24:49,160
Oh, it is him.
485
00:24:50,640 --> 00:24:54,480
"I wanted to write this letter
to tell you how proud I am of you.
486
00:24:54,480 --> 00:24:57,280
"I'll bet that you've come
for ice cream every single Sunday
487
00:24:57,280 --> 00:24:59,360
"since we said goodbye."
488
00:24:59,360 --> 00:25:00,560
He remembers.
489
00:25:02,000 --> 00:25:06,600
"You're reliable, Robert.
And that will always help you.
490
00:25:06,600 --> 00:25:11,360
"I hope you understand that
sometimes it's hard being a parent.
491
00:25:11,360 --> 00:25:14,520
"I know I promised
I would come back, but sometimes
492
00:25:14,520 --> 00:25:18,480
"life gets in the way, and
it breaks your promises for you.
493
00:25:18,480 --> 00:25:22,800
"I want you to know that
life is full of possibilities.
494
00:25:22,800 --> 00:25:24,560
"Go off and enjoy yours
495
00:25:24,560 --> 00:25:28,040
"and know that, even
though my work has kept us apart,
496
00:25:28,040 --> 00:25:29,800
"I am always thinking about you.
497
00:25:33,880 --> 00:25:36,560
"By the way, I found out
that I'm lactose intolerant,
498
00:25:36,560 --> 00:25:39,640
"which is another reason why
I can never return to Alberto's.
499
00:25:39,640 --> 00:25:41,400
"Ice cream brings me out in a rash.
500
00:25:41,400 --> 00:25:45,240
"Maybe that's why I was
so angry in the past." Ah.
501
00:25:45,240 --> 00:25:49,640
"Take care, with love, your father."
502
00:25:49,640 --> 00:25:51,840
Well, that was lovely.
503
00:25:51,840 --> 00:25:55,440
That last bit seemed a bit rushed
but it's, it's lovely.
504
00:25:57,200 --> 00:25:58,440
Yes, I liked it.
505
00:25:59,880 --> 00:26:01,560
May I see it? Hmm?
506
00:26:01,560 --> 00:26:03,560
The letter? May I see it?
507
00:26:03,560 --> 00:26:05,280
If you want to.
508
00:26:05,280 --> 00:26:09,000
I do. It's your letter. If you
want to see it, you can see it.
509
00:26:16,960 --> 00:26:20,120
I think when you're emotional,
it can affect your handwriting.
510
00:26:28,520 --> 00:26:29,920
It's a nice letter.
511
00:26:33,800 --> 00:26:35,280
It is a nice letter.
512
00:26:38,280 --> 00:26:39,920
Thank you, Wicky.
513
00:26:41,680 --> 00:26:43,400
But he's not coming back, is he?
514
00:26:45,480 --> 00:26:47,160
I don't think so, Robert.
515
00:26:51,440 --> 00:26:54,240
So, what are your Christmas plans?
516
00:26:54,240 --> 00:26:56,160
Between now and 5:42, I mean.
517
00:26:58,440 --> 00:27:00,360
KNOCKING
518
00:27:08,160 --> 00:27:09,800
Son.
519
00:27:09,800 --> 00:27:11,560
Dad.
520
00:27:11,560 --> 00:27:14,440
I've, um... I brought a new friend.
521
00:27:17,040 --> 00:27:19,680
Good afternoon.
My name is Robert Kendrick.
522
00:27:19,680 --> 00:27:21,200
Hello, Robert.
523
00:27:21,200 --> 00:27:23,320
I've got a new friend as well.
524
00:27:24,920 --> 00:27:27,200
I can't believe you bought a dog.
525
00:27:27,200 --> 00:27:29,640
You always wanted one, didn't you?
526
00:27:31,080 --> 00:27:32,280
You remembered.
527
00:27:34,120 --> 00:27:37,560
CHRISTMAS MUSIC SWELLS
528
00:27:40,240 --> 00:27:43,080
No. Your sister's only
just told me.
529
00:27:43,080 --> 00:27:45,720
Better watch him,
he's a piss machine.
530
00:27:48,960 --> 00:27:50,360
Where are you going?
531
00:27:50,360 --> 00:27:51,640
Lock-in at the pub.
532
00:27:51,640 --> 00:27:54,560
There's a horse up for grabs
in Weasel's raffle.
533
00:27:54,560 --> 00:27:56,440
You should have got a ticket.
534
00:27:56,440 --> 00:27:58,280
Bring the dog back Boxing Day.
535
00:28:01,360 --> 00:28:04,400
Wicky, maybe you should forget him.
536
00:28:06,200 --> 00:28:07,840
There we are. Thanks.
537
00:28:07,840 --> 00:28:09,480
Cracker? Yeah.
538
00:28:09,480 --> 00:28:11,520
Hey! Hey, I win!
539
00:28:11,520 --> 00:28:12,920
Nail clipper. A nail clipper.
540
00:28:12,920 --> 00:28:14,560
What's the joke? What's the joke?
541
00:28:14,560 --> 00:28:16,600
What do reindeers hang
on their Christmas trees?
542
00:28:16,600 --> 00:28:17,920
Dunno.
543
00:28:17,920 --> 00:28:19,480
ROBERT LAUGHS
544
00:28:19,480 --> 00:28:21,040
I don't know, Robert!
545
00:28:22,960 --> 00:28:24,720
Robert, what's the punchline?
546
00:28:24,720 --> 00:28:26,840
ROBERT CARRIES ON LAUGHING
40323
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