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1
00:00:44,561 --> 00:00:46,863
Hey, hey, hey, babe! Hey, hon.
2
00:00:46,865 --> 00:00:47,931
Hey, listen. Don't start dinner.
3
00:00:47,933 --> 00:00:48,965
I'm taking you to that...
4
00:00:48,967 --> 00:00:50,833
That Japanese place
again tonight.
5
00:00:50,835 --> 00:00:53,403
Why are you obsessed
with that place?
6
00:00:53,405 --> 00:00:55,805
I'm not obsessed with it. I
just like when a Japanese man
7
00:00:55,807 --> 00:00:57,640
cooks in front of you. It's fun.
8
00:00:57,642 --> 00:00:59,009
It's like, you
know, it's like...
9
00:01:10,087 --> 00:01:13,423
Okay. As entertaining
as that was, we can't.
10
00:01:13,425 --> 00:01:16,659
Come on. It'll be fun. Wow!
Shrimp in the pocket.
11
00:01:16,661 --> 00:01:17,860
Banzai!
12
00:01:20,497 --> 00:01:22,399
We can't. Your
cousin Danny called.
13
00:01:22,401 --> 00:01:23,400
He's on his way over.
14
00:01:23,402 --> 00:01:25,402
What? Why?
15
00:01:25,404 --> 00:01:26,803
I don't know. He said he wanted
16
00:01:26,805 --> 00:01:28,004
to talk to us about something.
17
00:01:28,006 --> 00:01:30,273
Oh, God. He is so annoying.
18
00:01:30,275 --> 00:01:33,043
Why did you let him
know we were home?
19
00:01:33,045 --> 00:01:35,445
Well, once I picked
up and said, "hello,"
20
00:01:35,447 --> 00:01:38,415
the cat was pretty
much out of the bag.
21
00:01:38,417 --> 00:01:39,715
Come on! What's the big deal?
22
00:01:39,717 --> 00:01:41,918
Let him come over. He said
he had some good news.
23
00:01:41,920 --> 00:01:43,719
He doesn't have good news.
That's just his angle
24
00:01:43,721 --> 00:01:45,255
to get his foot in the door.
25
00:01:45,257 --> 00:01:47,457
Then the next thing you know,
we're talking about old times,
26
00:01:47,459 --> 00:01:50,360
we're playing cards, and he's
clamped on me like a deer tick.
27
00:01:50,362 --> 00:01:52,329
Give him a break.
He's your cousin.
28
00:01:52,331 --> 00:01:55,798
What kind of big
news could this be?
29
00:01:55,800 --> 00:01:57,968
Bet you he's gonna
tell us he's gay.
30
00:01:57,970 --> 00:02:00,136
All right, he doesn't date much,
31
00:02:00,138 --> 00:02:01,537
but he is not gay.
32
00:02:01,539 --> 00:02:04,975
Please. He wore leather
pants to a Jet game.
33
00:02:04,977 --> 00:02:06,642
Will you stop it? He's not gay.
34
00:02:06,644 --> 00:02:08,711
He just called and said
he had some good news.
35
00:02:08,713 --> 00:02:10,580
Uh, excuse me, if you're gay,
36
00:02:10,582 --> 00:02:13,016
then being gay is good news.
Huh?
37
00:02:14,718 --> 00:02:16,853
Danny, you're getting married.
38
00:02:16,855 --> 00:02:18,355
Good for you.
39
00:02:18,357 --> 00:02:19,589
Off the market.
40
00:02:19,591 --> 00:02:20,756
Out of commission.
41
00:02:20,758 --> 00:02:23,426
Yeah! Yeah, I was, uh...
Just at work one day,
42
00:02:23,428 --> 00:02:25,528
taking a Sicilian pie
out of the oven,
43
00:02:25,530 --> 00:02:28,131
when I hear the most
beautiful voice say,
44
00:02:28,133 --> 00:02:31,334
"Can I have an end piece?"
45
00:02:31,336 --> 00:02:33,569
Truth is, I went in
to use the phone,
46
00:02:33,571 --> 00:02:36,539
but he looked so cute
all covered in flour.
47
00:02:36,541 --> 00:02:39,409
You should see him
covered in pudding.
48
00:02:43,381 --> 00:02:44,447
So when's the big day?
49
00:02:44,449 --> 00:02:45,681
Oh, a week from Sunday.
50
00:02:45,683 --> 00:02:47,150
Wow! That's quick.
51
00:02:47,152 --> 00:02:49,419
We'd really love it if
you guys could make it.
52
00:02:49,421 --> 00:02:51,587
Mmm, I can't. Sunday? Mm-mmm.
53
00:02:51,589 --> 00:02:55,291
I got to I got to
run another 10k.
54
00:03:00,564 --> 00:03:02,032
He's kidding, right?
55
00:03:02,034 --> 00:03:03,266
Yeah, honey, he's kidding!
56
00:03:03,268 --> 00:03:06,503
He always does this!
Classic Doug story, okay?
57
00:03:06,505 --> 00:03:07,703
One day, when we were kids,
58
00:03:07,705 --> 00:03:09,739
Doug decided to
remove the wing nuts
59
00:03:09,741 --> 00:03:11,141
from the front wheel
of my bicycle.
60
00:03:11,143 --> 00:03:16,413
Long story short... these are caps!
All caps.
61
00:03:16,415 --> 00:03:19,382
I was fixing that. Trying
to soup it up for you.
62
00:03:19,384 --> 00:03:20,983
Yeah, right. Soup it up.
I peddled twice,
63
00:03:20,985 --> 00:03:22,185
the handle bars go like this,
64
00:03:22,187 --> 00:03:23,520
I hit the mailbox!
65
00:03:23,522 --> 00:03:25,321
Next thing you know,
I'm picking up my own
66
00:03:25,323 --> 00:03:27,357
Chicklets off the driveway. Ha!
67
00:03:27,359 --> 00:03:29,159
Oh, we laughed.
68
00:03:29,161 --> 00:03:30,793
Yeah. It was fun. Good times.
69
00:03:30,795 --> 00:03:34,830
Yeah. Good times.
70
00:03:34,832 --> 00:03:37,600
So I'm gonna go... I'm gonna
go see if the coffee's ready.
71
00:03:37,602 --> 00:03:38,801
Oh, let me help you, Carrie.
72
00:03:38,803 --> 00:03:40,403
No, no, no. Sit,
sit, sit, sit, sit.
73
00:03:40,405 --> 00:03:42,738
No, come on! I wanna help.
74
00:03:56,120 --> 00:03:59,522
So she seems, uh, really
very nice, Danny.
75
00:03:59,524 --> 00:04:02,158
Yeah. I got to tell you,
I was starting to wonder
76
00:04:02,160 --> 00:04:04,360
if it was ever gonna
happen for me, you know?
77
00:04:04,362 --> 00:04:05,962
All these years, I...
I would see
78
00:04:05,964 --> 00:04:07,897
what a great thing
you and Doug have.
79
00:04:07,899 --> 00:04:09,999
And I'd think, "Man..."
80
00:04:10,001 --> 00:04:12,702
"if I can have half of that...
81
00:04:12,704 --> 00:04:14,804
"I'd be the happiest
pizza-making son of a gun
82
00:04:14,806 --> 00:04:18,174
this side of Dix Hills."
83
00:04:18,176 --> 00:04:20,643
You're gonna make me cry.
84
00:04:20,645 --> 00:04:21,844
And that was the last time
85
00:04:21,846 --> 00:04:25,582
I ever threw up from drinking.
86
00:04:25,584 --> 00:04:27,016
Uh-huh.
87
00:04:27,018 --> 00:04:30,086
I mean, is there anything worse
than the dry heaves? Anything?
88
00:04:30,088 --> 00:04:31,588
Nothing comes to mind.
89
00:04:31,590 --> 00:04:35,191
I mean, I literally broke
blood vessels in my eyes.
90
00:04:35,193 --> 00:04:36,593
Good evening, Douglas.
91
00:04:36,595 --> 00:04:38,027
Hey.
92
00:04:38,029 --> 00:04:40,130
And who's this
sweet young thing?
93
00:04:40,132 --> 00:04:42,332
Oh, this is Eva.
Danny's fiancée.
94
00:04:42,334 --> 00:04:45,201
Danny who?
95
00:04:45,203 --> 00:04:47,737
My cousin Danny.
96
00:04:47,739 --> 00:04:51,608
I thought you said
he was a fruitcake.
97
00:04:51,610 --> 00:04:54,144
So, where are you having
this little shindig, anyway?
98
00:04:54,146 --> 00:04:56,979
Ah, this nice little
place out in Manhasset.
99
00:04:56,981 --> 00:04:59,782
Eva's, uh, maid of honor
is a waitress there,
100
00:04:59,784 --> 00:05:01,284
so she got us a great deal.
101
00:05:01,286 --> 00:05:03,986
Oh, that's great. And
who's your best man?
102
00:05:03,988 --> 00:05:07,190
Ha. Oh, I'm not gonna, uh, I don't...
I don't have one.
103
00:05:07,192 --> 00:05:08,458
You don't have a best man?
104
00:05:08,460 --> 00:05:10,760
Nah! It's just, you know...
105
00:05:10,762 --> 00:05:12,195
I wouldn't even know who to ask.
106
00:05:12,197 --> 00:05:13,596
Can I help you with the coffee?
107
00:05:13,598 --> 00:05:17,467
Yeah, thanks. Listen,
Dan, I know it's, uh...
108
00:05:17,469 --> 00:05:19,035
it's not any of my business,
109
00:05:19,037 --> 00:05:22,438
but, uh... Why don't
you ask Doug?
110
00:05:22,440 --> 00:05:24,507
Ahh, he... He wouldn't do it.
111
00:05:24,509 --> 00:05:26,242
And that's fine.
112
00:05:26,244 --> 00:05:28,478
You know, I... I... I made
peace a long time ago
113
00:05:28,480 --> 00:05:30,246
with the way things
are between us.
114
00:05:30,248 --> 00:05:32,782
And how's that? Carrie...
115
00:05:32,784 --> 00:05:35,151
I'm not exactly on
the speed dial.
116
00:05:35,153 --> 00:05:37,720
Those are mostly restaurants.
117
00:05:41,258 --> 00:05:44,160
Danny, Doug likes you a
lot more than you think.
118
00:05:44,162 --> 00:05:47,230
Oh, please, I... he
wouldn't wanna do it.
119
00:05:47,232 --> 00:05:50,266
I think you're wrong.
I think you're wrong.
120
00:05:50,268 --> 00:05:52,569
Uh, you know what?
I'm just gonna stick
121
00:05:52,571 --> 00:05:54,770
with the whole no best man
thing, and that's it.
122
00:05:54,772 --> 00:05:56,506
Hey! No big deal.
123
00:05:56,508 --> 00:05:57,940
I can carry my own ring, right?
124
00:05:57,942 --> 00:05:59,642
Ha! That's what pockets are for.
Ha ha.
125
00:05:59,644 --> 00:06:02,111
Hey, Danny, you
better get out there.
126
00:06:02,113 --> 00:06:03,846
Arthur's putting the
moves on your fiancée.
127
00:06:03,848 --> 00:06:07,550
He's... he's doing his
old-fashioned muscleman poses.
128
00:06:07,552 --> 00:06:09,185
Thanks for the heads up.
129
00:06:09,187 --> 00:06:12,188
Okay, got the coffee,
got the cake.
130
00:06:12,190 --> 00:06:14,524
We should have them out
of here in 20 minutes.
131
00:06:14,526 --> 00:06:17,026
Fifteen if I set
the eating pace.
132
00:06:20,231 --> 00:06:21,598
Bye-bye.
133
00:06:22,600 --> 00:06:23,966
Um, Doug...
134
00:06:23,968 --> 00:06:25,201
Yeah?
135
00:06:25,203 --> 00:06:27,837
You know, I was just talking
to Danny about the wedding
136
00:06:27,839 --> 00:06:30,506
and stuff, and... wanna
hear something sad?
137
00:06:30,508 --> 00:06:33,976
Yeah. What have you got?
138
00:06:33,978 --> 00:06:36,312
He doesn't have a best man.
139
00:06:36,314 --> 00:06:39,649
Uh-huh.
140
00:06:39,651 --> 00:06:42,619
That's sad. You don't
think that's sad?
141
00:06:42,621 --> 00:06:44,621
I guess it is, but
it's not my problem.
142
00:06:49,326 --> 00:06:52,562
It's not my problem, is it?
143
00:06:52,564 --> 00:06:53,563
Well...
144
00:06:53,565 --> 00:06:55,265
Did you bring my name up?
145
00:06:55,267 --> 00:07:00,202
Only to say that you would
love to be his best man.
146
00:07:00,204 --> 00:07:04,006
I can't believe you!
147
00:07:04,008 --> 00:07:05,441
Why did you do that?
148
00:07:05,443 --> 00:07:09,279
You know what? This
area cannot close!
149
00:07:10,814 --> 00:07:13,182
Doug, if you could've
just seen his face.
150
00:07:13,184 --> 00:07:16,886
I mean, he was so sweet, and
he doesn't have anybody,
151
00:07:16,888 --> 00:07:18,288
and he likes you so much.
152
00:07:18,290 --> 00:07:21,524
He likes me too much, okay?
153
00:07:21,526 --> 00:07:24,860
It's like "Single White Dougie."
154
00:07:24,862 --> 00:07:27,830
Oh, God, why couldn't
he have just been gay?
155
00:07:27,832 --> 00:07:29,632
All right, look,
Doug, relax, okay?
156
00:07:29,634 --> 00:07:30,933
Because he's not gonna ask you.
157
00:07:30,935 --> 00:07:32,468
He's afraid you would say no.
158
00:07:32,470 --> 00:07:33,969
Good.
159
00:07:33,971 --> 00:07:35,938
It doesn't mean you
can't ask him.
160
00:07:35,940 --> 00:07:38,908
Okay, first of all, you don't
ask someone to be a best man.
161
00:07:38,910 --> 00:07:41,544
You get asked. And
since no one's asking,
162
00:07:41,546 --> 00:07:46,349
once again, this
area, shutty shutty.
163
00:07:48,151 --> 00:07:50,820
You know, I would be lying
to you if I didn't tell you.
164
00:07:50,822 --> 00:07:52,722
I'm a little
disappointed in you.
165
00:07:52,724 --> 00:07:54,624
Oh, please. That's
not gonna work.
166
00:07:54,626 --> 00:07:58,661
"I'm a little
disappointed in you."
167
00:07:58,663 --> 00:08:02,231
Big deal. I'm full of letdowns.
168
00:08:02,233 --> 00:08:04,567
Okay. Would you do me a
favor and take this out?
169
00:08:04,569 --> 00:08:06,202
Mm-hmm.
170
00:08:13,910 --> 00:08:17,447
I don't wanna do it.
171
00:08:17,449 --> 00:08:18,715
Fine.
172
00:08:25,356 --> 00:08:27,957
Carrie, I do a lot of nice
things for a lot of people.
173
00:08:27,959 --> 00:08:30,793
I just don't feel like doing this.
You know?
174
00:08:30,795 --> 00:08:32,161
Okay.
175
00:08:34,998 --> 00:08:39,469
Oh, God, now I got to write
a toast and rent a tux?
176
00:08:39,471 --> 00:08:41,437
You look good in a tux.
177
00:08:41,439 --> 00:08:46,108
I look like a limo driver.
178
00:08:46,110 --> 00:08:48,745
But a handsome one.
179
00:08:48,747 --> 00:08:50,680
Why do you do these
things to me?
180
00:08:50,682 --> 00:08:51,714
And don't worry, honey.
181
00:08:51,716 --> 00:08:54,650
I'll help you with
the bachelor party.
182
00:09:08,034 --> 00:09:10,074
I've never made a
best-man toast before,
183
00:09:10,076 --> 00:09:12,644
so... I need a little
feedback just to, you know,
184
00:09:12,646 --> 00:09:14,445
see if I'm headed in the
right direction, okay?
185
00:09:14,447 --> 00:09:15,647
Let her rip.
186
00:09:15,649 --> 00:09:18,215
"What can I say about
my cousin Danny?"
187
00:09:18,217 --> 00:09:21,119
Okay, I got to stop this.
188
00:09:21,121 --> 00:09:22,920
This is unbearable.
189
00:09:22,922 --> 00:09:24,088
Arthur...
190
00:09:24,090 --> 00:09:25,589
I only read, like, six words!
191
00:09:25,591 --> 00:09:28,059
You're reading!
That's the point!
192
00:09:28,061 --> 00:09:31,696
A speech needs to
seep from your soul.
193
00:09:31,698 --> 00:09:33,497
All right, look, just
listen to the whole thing,
194
00:09:33,499 --> 00:09:35,199
then tell me if
it's good or not.
195
00:09:35,201 --> 00:09:38,002
Okay? Okay. Fine!
196
00:09:38,004 --> 00:09:39,603
"What can I say about
my cousin Danny?
197
00:09:39,605 --> 00:09:41,806
"He makes great pizza, and he's
gonna make a great husband.
198
00:09:41,808 --> 00:09:43,374
"But I'm sure all
Eva cares about
199
00:09:43,376 --> 00:09:45,777
is that he makes
a lot of dough."
200
00:09:52,384 --> 00:09:54,285
All right.
201
00:09:54,287 --> 00:09:55,687
"Danny and I have
known each other
202
00:09:55,689 --> 00:09:57,755
"since we were kids,
and I always knew
203
00:09:57,757 --> 00:09:59,791
"he'd find somebody special.
And, Eva,
204
00:09:59,793 --> 00:10:02,226
well, you're just gonna
have to settle for Danny."
205
00:10:02,228 --> 00:10:04,528
"Just kidding."
206
00:10:04,530 --> 00:10:09,533
Uh, "Danny, Eva, I wish
you all the best."
207
00:10:09,535 --> 00:10:10,601
So?
208
00:10:10,603 --> 00:10:12,336
It stunk! All right?
209
00:10:12,338 --> 00:10:14,405
There, I said it!
210
00:10:14,407 --> 00:10:16,140
Wh-wh-what should I say?
211
00:10:16,142 --> 00:10:17,975
You have to grab them.
212
00:10:17,977 --> 00:10:20,244
Get them on your side!
213
00:10:20,246 --> 00:10:21,478
How do I grab them?
214
00:10:21,480 --> 00:10:25,183
Open up by hinting that
you slept with the bride.
215
00:10:25,185 --> 00:10:27,251
Then pull a pair of panties
out of your pocket
216
00:10:27,253 --> 00:10:31,889
and give her a little wink.
It kills.
217
00:10:31,891 --> 00:10:33,390
ARTHUR: Sweetheart. Hey, guys.
218
00:10:33,392 --> 00:10:35,392
Uh, Doug and I need a
pair of your panties.
219
00:10:35,394 --> 00:10:39,563
Dad, I just can't
give you a bigger no.
220
00:10:39,565 --> 00:10:41,565
Don't worry, Douglas, it
also works with a girdle.
221
00:10:41,567 --> 00:10:43,167
Yeah, I'm sure it does.
You know what?
222
00:10:43,169 --> 00:10:45,803
I'm gonna work on my own speech.
Thanks.
223
00:10:45,805 --> 00:10:47,638
What the hell did you
get me into here?
224
00:10:47,640 --> 00:10:50,507
I've been working on this
stupid toast for eight hours.
225
00:10:50,509 --> 00:10:55,012
Eight hours? You got
one index card there.
226
00:10:55,014 --> 00:10:57,081
Well, I took some breaks.
227
00:10:57,083 --> 00:10:58,216
So I stopped at Coopers.
228
00:10:58,218 --> 00:10:59,650
Everything's set for
the bachelor party.
229
00:10:59,652 --> 00:11:01,052
All the beer, wine, sangria
230
00:11:01,054 --> 00:11:03,221
you guys can drink
from 11 to 2 a.m.
231
00:11:03,223 --> 00:11:05,223
All right, good. Well what's
the, uh, what's the damage?
232
00:11:05,225 --> 00:11:07,225
Well, with the food and
everything, about $600 bucks.
233
00:11:07,227 --> 00:11:08,425
Ok. Well, that's not that bad.
234
00:11:08,427 --> 00:11:10,027
I got, uh, goannaianni
at the Pizza Place
235
00:11:10,029 --> 00:11:11,428
to give me Danny's,
uh, address book.
236
00:11:11,430 --> 00:11:13,497
So I invited, like,
25 of his friends.
237
00:11:13,499 --> 00:11:19,103
So 600 divided 25,
uh, ways is, uh...
238
00:11:19,105 --> 00:11:22,006
Hey, what you got in the bag?
239
00:11:22,008 --> 00:11:24,508
You are gonna love this.
240
00:11:24,510 --> 00:11:25,542
Are you ready?
241
00:11:29,347 --> 00:11:30,948
Ball and chain.
242
00:11:30,950 --> 00:11:32,016
It's funny, right?
243
00:11:32,018 --> 00:11:33,918
You put it on Danny,
like, "hey..."
244
00:11:33,920 --> 00:11:37,155
no more freedom for
you, buddy boy!"
245
00:11:37,157 --> 00:11:39,190
That's good guy stuff
right there, right?
246
00:11:42,928 --> 00:11:44,428
Did you keep the receipt?
247
00:11:44,430 --> 00:11:46,630
Stop it.
248
00:11:46,632 --> 00:11:47,999
Look, honey, I am...
249
00:11:48,001 --> 00:11:49,533
I'm really proud
of you, you know?
250
00:11:49,535 --> 00:11:51,435
You're doing something
for your cousin...
251
00:11:51,437 --> 00:11:54,205
something you don't have to do.
252
00:11:54,207 --> 00:11:57,675
Something sweet and kind
and, and beautiful.
253
00:11:57,677 --> 00:11:59,376
Thanks.
254
00:11:59,378 --> 00:12:01,312
Now let's pick out a stripper.
255
00:12:03,581 --> 00:12:07,852
Hmm? Take a little
look see here.
256
00:12:07,854 --> 00:12:08,920
What you got there?
257
00:12:08,922 --> 00:12:13,324
Magazine with strippers in it?
258
00:12:13,326 --> 00:12:16,194
Yep! Now, what do you like?
259
00:12:16,196 --> 00:12:18,629
What floats your boat?
260
00:12:18,631 --> 00:12:20,031
It's not about what
floats my boat,
261
00:12:20,033 --> 00:12:21,732
you know, because...
262
00:12:21,734 --> 00:12:24,368
you are my boat
floater, you know?
263
00:12:24,370 --> 00:12:28,472
It's... It's really about what
Danny wants and how he...
264
00:12:28,474 --> 00:12:30,141
Yeah, okay. Could you
just pick one, please?
265
00:12:30,143 --> 00:12:32,076
Ok, yeah, uh, Tiffany
Towers, please.
266
00:12:34,947 --> 00:12:38,749
Her? Doug, she looks like
she kissed the F-train.
267
00:12:38,751 --> 00:12:41,418
Pick somebody else. All
right, then, uh...
268
00:12:41,420 --> 00:12:42,987
How, how about her?
269
00:12:42,989 --> 00:12:44,922
Her? What do you like about her?
270
00:12:44,924 --> 00:12:47,558
I don't know. She looks
kind of nasty and mean.
271
00:12:47,560 --> 00:12:50,461
You know, like, she's the head
of some all-girl biker gang
272
00:12:50,463 --> 00:12:54,098
that picks me up after our
car breaks down and...
273
00:12:54,100 --> 00:12:57,201
makes me service her and...
274
00:12:57,203 --> 00:13:01,305
all her gang sisters.
275
00:13:01,307 --> 00:13:04,541
Well, we are not
hiring her, okay?
276
00:13:04,543 --> 00:13:06,510
Come on. Make a
serious pick here.
277
00:13:06,512 --> 00:13:09,947
All right, uh, any
of these three.
278
00:13:09,949 --> 00:13:13,584
These three? Here? Yeah. What?
279
00:13:13,586 --> 00:13:18,689
Do you have any
standards at all?
280
00:13:18,691 --> 00:13:19,891
Yeah.
281
00:13:19,893 --> 00:13:22,459
Really? Well, could you
pick one woman here
282
00:13:22,461 --> 00:13:24,195
that you would not
have sex with?
283
00:14:10,384 --> 00:14:11,484
Uh, Doug?
284
00:14:11,486 --> 00:14:12,885
Yeah?
285
00:14:12,887 --> 00:14:15,120
It's a foreign transmission.
286
00:14:15,122 --> 00:14:17,122
You might wanna go a
little easy on the clutch.
287
00:14:17,124 --> 00:14:19,225
Settle down. I drive
for a living, okay?
288
00:14:19,227 --> 00:14:20,826
Well, I just had it
tuned up yester...
289
00:14:20,828 --> 00:14:23,162
Would you stop peeking?
No peeking, all right?
290
00:14:23,164 --> 00:14:26,199
Loosen up. Let your
hair down, Agnes!
291
00:14:26,201 --> 00:14:27,933
I'm loose. I'm ready. I'm ready.
292
00:14:29,836 --> 00:14:32,338
Doug, let me ask you a question.
293
00:14:32,340 --> 00:14:34,607
What? Did Carrie put
you up to this?
294
00:14:34,609 --> 00:14:36,842
What? No!
295
00:14:39,646 --> 00:14:40,846
No, no, no, no. She...
she mentioned
296
00:14:40,848 --> 00:14:42,248
that you didn't have a best man.
297
00:14:42,250 --> 00:14:43,749
And I was, like, what up?
298
00:14:43,751 --> 00:14:45,685
Really? I... I mean,
you wanna be here?
299
00:14:45,687 --> 00:14:47,086
Oh, believe me, I wanna be here.
300
00:14:47,088 --> 00:14:49,021
The question is do
you wanna be here?
301
00:14:49,023 --> 00:14:50,823
Because tonight's all about
having fun, so you in?
302
00:14:50,825 --> 00:14:52,325
I guess. Yeah.
303
00:14:52,327 --> 00:14:53,726
You guess? This is
your bachelor party!
304
00:14:53,728 --> 00:14:54,727
Get crazy! Whoo-hoo!
305
00:14:54,729 --> 00:14:56,829
Whoo-hoo-hoo! There it is!
306
00:14:56,831 --> 00:14:58,163
Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo!
307
00:14:58,165 --> 00:14:59,164
Yeah, Danny!
308
00:14:59,166 --> 00:15:01,601
Pa-poww! Oh, you're spitting.
309
00:15:17,083 --> 00:15:18,884
Okay, forgot name tags,
so why don't we, uh...
310
00:15:18,886 --> 00:15:20,286
go around the room and
introduce everybody
311
00:15:20,288 --> 00:15:22,688
and how you know them and
we'll kick it off with that.
312
00:15:22,690 --> 00:15:23,723
All right? Okay.
313
00:15:23,725 --> 00:15:24,923
Yeah. Uh... Well,
this is Gianni.
314
00:15:24,925 --> 00:15:26,925
He... he works for me.
315
00:15:26,927 --> 00:15:32,064
Yeah, how you doing? Is this it?
Because this is gonna blow.
316
00:15:32,066 --> 00:15:34,567
No, no. No, no. Doug said
there's a lot more guys coming.
317
00:15:34,569 --> 00:15:36,969
A lot of guys coming. We're gonna
have a full house tonight.
318
00:15:36,971 --> 00:15:38,604
Full boat. Full boat.
319
00:15:40,140 --> 00:15:43,342
So, anyway, uh, this
is, uh, Joe Rubino,
320
00:15:43,344 --> 00:15:46,712
my father-in-law to be.
321
00:15:46,714 --> 00:15:49,081
Hello.
322
00:15:50,651 --> 00:15:52,985
And, uh... over here,
this is Klaus.
323
00:15:52,987 --> 00:15:55,921
He owns the deli next
to my pizza shop.
324
00:15:55,923 --> 00:15:59,592
Hello. How is you?
325
00:15:59,594 --> 00:16:01,160
And, uh, last but not least,
326
00:16:01,162 --> 00:16:03,962
this is, uh, Arthur,
Doug's father-in-law.
327
00:16:03,964 --> 00:16:07,900
Gentlemen. Douglas, do you
have some festivities planned
328
00:16:07,902 --> 00:16:10,436
other than this meet and greet?
329
00:16:10,438 --> 00:16:12,104
Yeah, yeah. I got
a lot of stuff.
330
00:16:12,106 --> 00:16:13,372
Oh, God, I almost forgot.
331
00:16:13,374 --> 00:16:16,409
Stogies! All right, I
bought extras, so, uh...
332
00:16:16,411 --> 00:16:17,643
smoke 'em up! Ok, boys?
333
00:16:17,645 --> 00:16:19,912
All right! Okay. You know what?
334
00:16:19,914 --> 00:16:22,448
Uh, d-d-do you mind if we don't, uh...
light them?
335
00:16:22,450 --> 00:16:24,983
It's just my asthma.
I get, uh...
336
00:16:24,985 --> 00:16:28,887
Yeah, okay, um... All right.
No problem.
337
00:16:28,889 --> 00:16:30,989
That doesn't stop us from
chomping on them, though, huh?
338
00:16:30,991 --> 00:16:34,327
Yeah, that's a
smooth chomp, yeah.
339
00:16:34,329 --> 00:16:35,328
Hey, how about some music?
340
00:16:35,330 --> 00:16:38,397
Stereo's broken. Okay.
Thank you.
341
00:16:38,399 --> 00:16:42,702
Douglas, I'm starting to agree
with the Italian fella.
342
00:16:42,704 --> 00:16:44,337
This is gonna blow.
343
00:16:51,244 --> 00:16:54,046
So, Camaro, huh?
344
00:16:54,048 --> 00:16:56,615
So how long have you been, um...
345
00:16:56,617 --> 00:16:59,452
removing your clothes for money?
346
00:16:59,454 --> 00:17:01,821
Since my sophomore
year in high school.
347
00:17:01,823 --> 00:17:06,592
Great. That's great.
348
00:17:06,594 --> 00:17:08,594
And, uh, bodyguard guy...
349
00:17:08,596 --> 00:17:10,529
What was your name again...
Emil?
350
00:17:10,531 --> 00:17:12,598
Yeah. Emil, yeah. I
like your tattoos.
351
00:17:12,600 --> 00:17:14,867
Oh, thank you. Yeah.
352
00:17:17,671 --> 00:17:18,937
Hey, who likes Lionel Richie?
353
00:17:18,939 --> 00:17:19,872
Ahh...
354
00:17:25,512 --> 00:17:26,945
Hey, Andy, it's Doug Heffernan.
355
00:17:26,947 --> 00:17:28,614
I left you messages about
Danny's bachelor party.
356
00:17:28,616 --> 00:17:30,816
If you're there, pick up. Okay,
buddy, pick up, pick up.
357
00:17:30,818 --> 00:17:33,452
You there? Pick it up.
Pick it up.
358
00:17:33,454 --> 00:17:36,655
You screening, guy?
Pick it up, pick it up.
359
00:17:38,191 --> 00:17:41,660
Yeah, Joe, chug it
down, you warrior!
360
00:17:44,998 --> 00:17:47,332
So, Daniel, how is
your pizza shop?
361
00:17:47,334 --> 00:17:49,835
Oh, it's fine, fine, yeah.
362
00:17:49,837 --> 00:17:52,738
Daniel, are you happy
with your bread guy?
363
00:17:52,740 --> 00:17:55,374
Huh? Yeah! Oh, yeah, yeah.
364
00:17:55,376 --> 00:17:57,209
Would you give me his number?
365
00:17:57,211 --> 00:17:58,644
Can it wait till Monday?
366
00:17:58,646 --> 00:18:01,280
Of course...
367
00:18:01,282 --> 00:18:02,281
but...
368
00:18:02,283 --> 00:18:04,082
by Monday.
369
00:18:07,253 --> 00:18:11,590
Look, you're invited to a
party, you show up, you dipwad.
370
00:18:11,592 --> 00:18:14,993
Kick the crap out of me? I'll
kick more crap out of you.
371
00:18:14,995 --> 00:18:16,929
Yeah!
372
00:18:16,931 --> 00:18:19,031
Par-ty!
373
00:18:21,100 --> 00:18:22,735
This blows. Where's the broad?
374
00:18:22,737 --> 00:18:23,969
Don't you worry. She'll be here.
375
00:18:23,971 --> 00:18:25,037
You just start stretching out.
376
00:18:25,039 --> 00:18:26,839
Hey, Doug, if no one
else is showing up,
377
00:18:26,841 --> 00:18:28,441
can I take the ball
and chain off?
378
00:18:28,443 --> 00:18:29,875
No, no, no, not yet, okay?
379
00:18:29,877 --> 00:18:33,446
Hey, have you seen that bride...
Eva?
380
00:18:33,448 --> 00:18:37,450
She's a tasty slice of
cheesecake, am I right?
381
00:18:37,452 --> 00:18:40,519
Eva's my daughter.
382
00:18:40,521 --> 00:18:44,723
Then you know what I'm
talking about, huh?
383
00:18:47,627 --> 00:18:50,195
A car. Okay, stripper's here.
Stripper's here.
384
00:18:50,197 --> 00:18:51,964
All right, boys, get
your singles ready.
385
00:18:51,966 --> 00:18:55,367
Here we go. Oh, yeah,
now we're talking.
386
00:18:55,369 --> 00:18:57,269
Okay, that would be my wife.
387
00:18:59,405 --> 00:19:00,840
Please tell me you
got a stripper.
388
00:19:00,842 --> 00:19:02,641
Relax, I got her.
389
00:19:08,214 --> 00:19:10,850
What the hell is this?
390
00:19:10,852 --> 00:19:14,186
Why is there a maid here?
391
00:19:14,188 --> 00:19:16,655
I think she's the stripper.
392
00:19:16,657 --> 00:19:19,291
Carrie, what are you doing to me?
This is brutal.
393
00:19:19,293 --> 00:19:22,027
Doug, it was the best I could
do on such short notice.
394
00:19:22,029 --> 00:19:24,029
I'm killing myself here trying
to keep this thing going,
395
00:19:24,031 --> 00:19:27,766
and you show up with...
Hopalong Assidy.
396
00:19:27,768 --> 00:19:30,936
Doug, she is still a very
attractive girl, okay?
397
00:19:30,938 --> 00:19:33,372
Just tell the guys not
to look in that area.
398
00:19:33,374 --> 00:19:35,741
Oh, God Where are all the guys?
399
00:19:35,743 --> 00:19:39,177
They're not showing because
Danny's such a freaking loser.
400
00:19:39,179 --> 00:19:40,379
Hey!
401
00:19:53,026 --> 00:19:57,229
Someone's a dirty boy. He
needs a little dusting.
402
00:20:06,673 --> 00:20:08,106
Excuse me.
403
00:20:11,144 --> 00:20:13,245
Damn it, I am into this.
404
00:20:40,106 --> 00:20:41,473
Joe, look alive.
405
00:20:41,475 --> 00:20:42,608
Huh?
406
00:20:42,610 --> 00:20:44,409
Stripper, man.
You're missing it.
407
00:20:44,411 --> 00:20:46,779
I can't blame him, Douglas.
408
00:20:46,781 --> 00:20:49,347
This is pure torture.
409
00:20:49,349 --> 00:20:50,449
Torture?
410
00:20:50,451 --> 00:20:52,284
What bachelor party
are you at, right?
411
00:20:52,286 --> 00:20:56,188
Yeah, it's riveting.
I'm out of here.
412
00:20:56,190 --> 00:20:59,558
Whoa, Gianni, come on.
I bought a sheet cake.
413
00:20:59,560 --> 00:21:02,394
You guys didn't hear that.
That's later on.
414
00:21:02,396 --> 00:21:05,631
You know what? That's
it, that's it.
415
00:21:05,633 --> 00:21:07,499
DOUG: What are you doing?
416
00:21:07,501 --> 00:21:11,269
I'm going home. All
the facts are in...
417
00:21:11,271 --> 00:21:12,471
Loser!
418
00:21:12,473 --> 00:21:16,041
All right, I'll see
you at the wedding.
419
00:21:18,144 --> 00:21:21,113
"Oh, I'm so proud of you, Doug.
420
00:21:21,115 --> 00:21:25,283
"You're doing something
nice for your cousin.
421
00:21:25,285 --> 00:21:29,989
Something kind and
sweet and beautiful."
422
00:21:34,227 --> 00:21:36,729
Okay, so it wasn't my best idea.
423
00:21:36,731 --> 00:21:40,766
It was the worst bachelor
party I've ever seen.
424
00:21:40,768 --> 00:21:43,002
Make a right after
the Dunkin' Donuts.
425
00:21:58,176 --> 00:22:00,811
Uh, some of you may not
know Eva very well,
426
00:22:00,813 --> 00:22:04,849
but I've had the opportunity
to get close to her.
427
00:22:04,851 --> 00:22:07,651
Real close, if you
know what I mean.
428
00:22:07,653 --> 00:22:11,455
Eva, I believe these are yours.
31280
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