All language subtitles for rusted-project alf 1996 1080p bluray x264_track4_[eng]

(dramatic orchestral music)

(ominous orchestral music)

(dramatic orchestral music)

- Good evening,

I'm General Myron Stone,

Air Force Liaison
to the Pentagon

I would like to introduce to you

our esteemed committee members,

Undersecretary Overmyer
from the State Department,

Dudley Next from the Pentagon,

for Senator Anne Farnsworth,

and Darnell Muggins, from
Central Intelligence

I shall now ask our
project personnel

to introduce themselves

- Yes, thank you General

I am Colonel Gilbert Milfoil,

and I am Head of Security
for the Alien Task Force

This is my assistant,
Second Lieutenant Reese

- I'm Second Lieutenant Reese,

Colonel Milfoil's assistant

- Captain Rick Mullican,

Scientific Coordinator
on Project: ALF

My duty has been to monitor

all testing performed
on the alien

- Major Melissa Hill,
Clinical Psychologist

I've been responsible for all

behavior evaluations
concerning the alien

- This panel has convened
to render a decision,

as to the immediate future
of the alien life form,

known as ALF

Colonel Milfoil is
demanding full resumption

of psychological and
physical testing,

and the possible
elimination of the creature

Captain Mullican and Major
Hill oppose this idea,

and in fact, recommend
the release of the alien

Now it is our responsibility
to hear these arguments,

and determine what should
be done with the alien

- We know what to do with it,

some of us just
don't have the guts

- It's not a matter of guts,
it's a matter of human rights

- Aliens don't have
human rights, Major,

that's why they're aliens

- They're aliens because
we alienate them

- Oh please

- She's right

We found ALF to be
a warm, friendly,

occasionally annoying, but
highly intelligent creature

- Sir, ALF is a
menace to society,

and ought to be incinerated

- Don't you mean
incarcerated, sir?

- No

- According to these records,

ALF's planet, Melmac,
exploded in 1985

After wandering in
space for almost a year,

his spacecraft fell to Earth,

and crashed into the garage

of a family by the
name of Tanner

- That is affirmative, madame

The alien held the
Tanner family captive,

and terrorized them for as
long as he lived with them

- The Tanners and
ALF got along great

- On the contrary, Mister
Tanner testified himself,

that the alien set over
300 fires in their home,

and that he continually
tried to eat the family cat

- For the record, he
never ate the cat

Besides, it was only 246 fires,

and most of those
were barbecue-related

- Where is the
Tanner family now?

- They were placed

on the witness protection
program in 1990

- Well, perhaps we
should talk to them

- I'm afraid they don't
have a phone yet, sir

It's hard to get
service in Reykjavik

- They live in Iceland?

- They turned down Mozambique,

they weren't happy with
the school system there

- Well are they happy with

- They're fine, ma'am

The rest is classified

- Perhaps now would
be a good time

to view the videotapes
of the alien,

undergoing some of those
tests you told us about

- The committee
should be aware that

several tapes, including those

of the more inhumane tests,

mysteriously disappeared
about the time

these hearings were scheduled

- You lost some of the tapes?

Honest to God,

security in your
department is appalling

Anyone can just
waltz into his lab,

and take whatever he wants

- Anyone with a security key
and a 14-digit combination

- May we take a look at
those tapes we do have?

(eerie music)

- Good morning, ALF

May I call you ALF?

- If you insist

- Well, I'm Doctor Warner,

and I'd like to ask
you a few questions

- Do I have to come
up with funny answers?

(chuckling)

- Not at all

Now during the course
of these interviews,

we'll also be videotaping you

- If it's shown on Hard
Copy, I'll expect residuals

(chuckling)

- No, these tapes
are classified,

the public will never see them

- That's what they
told Marion Barry

(chuckling)

- Yes, yes

Good morning, ALF

(chuckling)

- Yourself

I take it this isn't the
word association test

- There's been a
change of plans

Not to worry,

we're gonna conduct
a different test

- I'm not sure I like
the word, conduct

- I assure you it's
completely safe

Oh, pay no attention
to that sign,

it shouldn't even be there

I'll remove it if
it bothers you

- It bothers me

(screaming)

(fire burning)

- Medic?

Medic?

- Hello ALF, I'm Doctor Newman

- No need to ask who
you're replacing

- We're gonna try a little game
called, numeric sequencing

- Does it involve
electric shock?

- Absolutely not

- Forgive me if I'm
a little paranoid

There's still a silhouette
burnt into the linoleum

- Well, it's been
officially determined

that Doctor Warner
had a heart condition,

and his unfortunate death

was totally unrelated
to the mild shock

that he received here

- I'd be ready for
litigation if I were you

- Well then that's not
your concern at this point

- The man was
cooked in his shoes

- Could you stop the tape?

- His glasses were
fused to his skull

- Stop the tape

- [ALF] He was a cinder!

- Stop

- Hello there, I'm
Doctor Stanley

- Where's Doctor Newman?

- He's taking some time off

- I assume you heard what
happened to Doctor Warner?

- Yep, bad heart

- Oh, we're sticking
to that story, huh?

Mum's the word

- Let's try some
word association

I'll say a word,

and you say whatever
pops in your mind

- Food

- I haven't said anything yet

- Nothing interesting, at least

- Sit

- I am sitting

- No no no no, that's
the first word, sit

- Oh, food

- Sunrise

- Breakfast

- Square
- Meal

- Left
- Overs

- Should we stop and get
you something to eat?

- I could use a little snack

- [Newman] Feel better?

(belching)

- I do now

- May we proceed with our
word association test?

- Fire away

- All right

Here's the first word

Is there a problem?

- Nope

- Here is the first word

- Go ahead

- No, here, the word
here, is the first word

- You're jerking my
chain, aren't you?

- Let's just try another word

- Good idea

- On
- Off

- Up
- Down

- Toast

- Doctor Warner

- In
- Out

- Cold

- Doctor Warner

- Look, can we stop
the cameras please?

- Warner's body had to be
removed by a chimney sweep

- Cut

(screaming)

- Hello, I'm Doctor Mockton

I'm going to show
you some ink blots

- Does this involve
electric shock?

- Let's not start that again

- You know why I'm
asking don't you?

- I suggest you
change the subject,

unless you want to pay another
visit to the centrifuge

- Been there, done that

Threw up

- Let's start with this one

- Doctor Warner struck me
as a rather gentle man

(screaming)

This one is
definitely the Pepsi

- Good morning,
I'm Doctor Carnage

- Yikes

- Yikes, yourself

- Just so we
understand each other

- I'm going to show
you some pictures

- Are they of you?

- No

- Good

- Identify if you can

- No breakfast?

- No breakfast

- Lousy pork butt

- No need to be insulting

- No no, that's what
I had for breakfast,

just one lousy pork butt

- Can you identify the
man in this picture?

- He was the drummer
for the Beatles

Can I ask you something?

- What?

- How you found the
food here on the base?

- Adequate

- Any truth to that
saltpeter thing?

Because frankly, I've been
having trouble maintaining a

- Tell me about this picture

- I wondered when we
were going to get around

to the Star Trek stuff

- Ah, so you know about
the Starship Enterprise?

- I know it's an icon
for millions of people

who don't have a life

- And tell me about
your spaceship

- My ex-spaceship

Now it's a pile of rubble,

much like my life

- And what about your life, ALF?

Are you unhappy?

Tell me what frightens you

- Besides the Fox Network?

- Besides the Fox Network

- Can I ask you something?

- Of course

- I'm a bit curious about the,

don't ask, don't tell,
policy, here in the military

- What about it?

- Well, I assume it's
worked to your advantage

- Stop the tape

- Three, two, one, engage

- Wow!

(siren blaring)

- [Man] Quick, somebody
bring the jaws of life!

- That crash test is
the perfect example

of the cruel and
inhumane punishment

ALF has been subjected
to, Mister Chairman

- He had an airbag,
it just didn't work

- Perhaps it would
be a good idea

if we met with ALF, and
talked with him personally

- That's highly
inadvisable, sir

He's very dangerous,

and may I remind you
sir, he is pelvic height

- Where exactly is ALF now?

- Exactly where he
belongs, madame,

in maximum security under
full military guard

- [Man] So, what's the
alien gonna do now?

- Looks like I
don't have a choice

- You don't

- Straight flush

Read 'em and weep

Hey, have some more
pretzels, boys

They're only a dollar a bag

- That's it for me, I'm tapped

- You're tapped

I just lost my hazard pay

- Well, better luck
tomorrow, guys

Cash 'em out Murph,
and lock the safe

- Yes, sir

- Oh, and while you're up,

get me the results
from Santa Anita,

and find out what we
owe on the Tyson fight

Who would have
thought that prison

would have made him meaner?

- I'm on it, sir

- Oh, and rustle up some
pizza from the commissary,

double-cheese,
hold the saltpeter

- [Man] Right

- Brown boy?
- Yes sir

- What's my schedule
look like for tomorrow?

- Pretty tight,

- No hot oil

- We won't make
that mistake again

- 9:30, breakfast

Irish oatmeal, fresh
strawberries, okay?

- Do I get scones?

- You get scones

- And fresh clotted cream?

- Bad news on the clotted
cream front, I'm afraid

It missed the flight
from Devonshire

- Why don't you just stab me?

- Sorry

Hey, 10 o'clock's
your hair coloring

- Right shade this time?

- Burnt sienna

- I'm the same color Lucy was,

towards the end

- And I managed to block out

from 11 o'clock to three
o'clock for your lunch

- Oh that is tight

- And at 4:30, it's
either tea time,

or resumption of shock therapy,

depending upon the
outcome of the hearing

- Please, let it be tea time

At this point, I'd
even drink herbal

Dismissed

- Besides, I met Yassir

Not only does he look like
Ringo, he's a better drummer

Sorry

- In consideration
of the overwhelming

amount of data before us,

this committee will
reconvene in two weeks

Until then, the alien
remains in custody

under full military security

- Prudent decision, sir

- It is the ruling of
this panel, however,

that all testing on the alien

will be suspended
until further notice

- Sir, I must strongly object

Sir, let the record
show that I have

- This hearing is adjourned

- Mama

- Beg your pardon, sir?

- What?

- Did you say something sir?

- What are you doing here?

- I'm saying goodnight, sir

Goodnight

- Goodnight

Reese?

- Sir?

- How do you think
things went today?

- I thought the panel made
a very safe decision, sir

- I thought it was abominable

- Abominable, yes sir

Safe, yet abominable

- Reese?

- Still here, sir

- Let me tell you a story

- Now?

- I grew up without a mother

- You'd never know, sir

- I had a mother

But when I was 12 years
old, they hauled her away

Nutty as a fruitcake, they said

Why do you suppose
they said that, Reese?

- Oh, wouldn't
venture a guess, sir

Even if I knew for certain

- She was alien

- From across the border?

- From across the cosmos, Reese

- Oh, out there

Yeah

- We lived on a farm,

and mother would talk
of mysterious sightings

She spoke of cattle mutilations,

and bizarre rings
burnt into the fields,

but no one took her seriously
until it was too late

- Should I come in, sir?

- Yes, please, come in

Make yourself comfortable

Then one day the
aliens kidnapped mama

They experimented on her

They twisted her mind,

and clouded her
thoughts to the point

where she doubted
her own sanity

- I'm sorry sir

- How about a drink?

- No thanks

- For me, Reese

- Oh, of course

- When my mother
took her own life,

she left behind a note,

penned with
incomprehensible symbols,

the ravings of a
lunatic, they said,

but I knew differently, oh yes

I knew very differently

And I made up my mind
I would seek the truth

I knew that one day I would
join the Alien Task Force

- Ice?

- Yes, please

Eventually I found
out that those symbols

do indeed have meaning

- What did they mean, sir?

- I don't know

But they're the same as
the mysterious etchings

on the mountaintops of Peru,

and they're the same symbols

we found on the flying
saucer in Area 51

- Now, those symbols have
yet to be deciphered, sir

- You don't need a Rosetta Stone
to know they spell trouble

- You really think ALF
poses that kind of threat?

- There's a very
thin line between

mutilating cows and eating cats

- Point well-taken sir

But the panel doesn't
seem to agree

- The panel can never
know what I know,

or what my dear mother knew

That's why we must take it
out of their hands, Reese

- I smell a covert
operation, sir

- What you're
smelling is victory,

the triumph of good over evil,

one that could make me
President of the United States

It might even help earn you
your First Lieutenant bars

- Wow

So much so soon

- I want you to sign
this medical requisition,

and access the serum from
the lab on level three

If anyone asks questions,

you just tell them

it's biohazardous
material, section 12-801

Sign right there

- Top secret?

- Yes

Our top secret, Reese

Right there on the bottom

Let me help steady
your hand, son

That's it, good man yourself

Congratulations

- Thank you, sir

- Carry on

- Anyway, she was great,
didn't back down for a minute

I mean, she was passionate,

eloquent, and beautiful

- And she's here

- Hi

- Oh, hi

- Major?

Rick was just talking about you

- Pete, why don't you go get
yourself an apple juice, huh?

- Oh, yes sir

Right away

Major Hill?

- No thanks

- All right, one apple juice

I'll be back in a
couple of hours

- He's a great kidder

- I've been transferred

- What?

- [Melissa] It's true

- When?

- No later than 0800
hours tomorrow morning

It's right there above
Colonel Milfoil's signature

- He can't do this to us

I mean we're such a great team

- Divide and conquer

(knocking on door)

- Excuse me

Doctor, I need a signature
on this requisition form

- Medical requisition,
level three?

What's this about?

- I wouldn't know sir,
it's a section 12-801

- Level three is
biohazardous material

- Airman, would you
please step outside,

we'll be with you in a minute

- Yes, sir

- Reese is trying to
access the vaccines

we're developing for
biological warfare

- Security

Is Sergeant Rhomboid
still on duty?

Evening pizza run, of course

What about Murphy?

Great, thanks

Murphy, Major Hill

Just checking up on ALF

No, I don't owe him money

Say, what's his schedule
like for tomorrow?

It's pretty tight, huh?

Any changes in the
last several hours?

Really?

Why?

What time?

All right, thanks for the info

- What, what is it?

- They rescheduled ALF's
pedicure for a medical exam,

I'd say a lethal one

- I can't believe
we're doing this

- It's our only choice

Once we get ALF off the base,

we'll worry about
everything else

- We're kidnapping him

- We're saving his life

- And where are
we gonna take him?

Neverland Ranch?

It's the only place
he'd go unnoticed

- Evening, Airman Murphy

- Evening, Major

Captain

- Evening

- ALF around?

Silly question, he's a prisoner

- Yes

He's in his suite

- We've got him scheduled for
a couple of tests, tonight

- He's sleeping
pretty soundly sir

- That's good,

because they're nocturnal
comprehension tests

- NCT's

- We'd do them in the morning,

but it's just not the same

- Oh understood

Just ALF gets a little
cranky when he's awakened,

unless it's for
his evening pizza

Which should be
arriving any minute,

so you go on ahead

- Hey, they're selling
copies of movies

that are still running
in the theaters

- We're not here to shop

- 299 for The Lion King

How's he do this?

- I must again remind this jury

not to discuss this
case amongst yourselves,

this I admonish you

- ALF?

- Counsel will refer
to me as Your Honor

- ALF, wake up

- Hey!

Easy with the mask, huh?

I've got cold cream on

What are you two doing here?

You know the rules,

no merchandise sold
till 0900 hours

- ALF, you're in grave danger,

we've got to get
you off the base

You're scheduled
for a medical test

in a couple of hours

- Must be my cholesterol again

Last time it was
over a thousand

- That's the least
of your worries

Milfoil is planning to
test a serum on you

- Is it cherry-flavored?

- It's poison,

and it comes in a
hypodermic needle

- So it's not cherry-flavored?

- ALF, get up

We have to get you off the base

- I can't leave all this behind

I have a corporation
to run here

- ALF you have a choice,
your money, or your life

- Well?

- I'm thinking, I'm thinking

- Well, there's no
time for thinking

- Hey!

Ow! Ow, ow, ow!

- Oh relax, it's
just a sedative

- Oh, that's really
gonna cost you, buddy

Just for that, I'm
tacking on an extra 10%

to your gambling debts

And I want it in cash

by next Tues

- Quick get him in the mailbag

- How much time do we have?

- He ought to be out
for a good half hour

(knocking on door)

- [Murphy] Rhomboid's
here with the pizza

Yeah, ALF open up

- What are we gonna do?

- Get him in the bag

Slide the pizza under the door

Ha!

- [Murphy] It won't fit

- Then, keep it

- [Murphy] And what about
this flaming desert?

Oh, ow

- Extinguish and enjoy

- [Murphy] Hey thanks, buddy

Doing all right?

- Yeah, I'm just not quite
as peckish as I thought

- [Murphy] Okay pal,
see you in the morning

- Great impression of ALF

Except he would never
use the word peckish

Yeah, he'd never turn
down food either

Come on

Ma'am

- He's a lot heavier
than he looks

- Just our luck

Six of his seven
stomachs must be full

All clear

(dramatic orchestral music)

Three

(grunting)

- Where are you going, Captain?

- I'm driving

Unless of course, you want to

- You're not going anywhere,
and that's an order

- What are you talking about?

- There's no reason for
you to get in any deeper

- This is my idea, I
take full responsibility

- I thought we were
in this together?

- Your help has been
appreciated, Captain

And now you're dismissed

- Are you pulling
rank on me, Melissa?

- Major, and yes I am

- I don't believe this

- Rick, that's an order

- And if I don't
follow it, what?

You gonna march back to MilFoil,

and tell him I'm
being insubordinate?

No offense Major, this is
my order, get in the van

If we can make it past the
guard gate, we've got a shot

- Is this a motor pool van?

- Yeah, it was

It's ALF's now

Won it in a poker game

He rents it back
to 'em on weekends

- He'll probably
charge us for mileage

- It wasn't personal, was it?

- What?

- Your not wanting me
to come along with you?

- No, I like you

I like working with you

You're dedicated and sincere,

and sensitive

- Well not that you asked but,

I think you're
passionate, eloquent,

and beautiful

- So I overheard

- I don't want you to
get a big head about it

I felt that way since the
first time I heard you say,

welcome to Edmonds
Air Force Base

- We're going really slowly

- Well I think we should

You're my superior, I
didn't know how you felt

- No I mean, we're
going two miles an hour

- Oh yeah, sorry

- Evening, Major

Captain

What brings you
out at 2300 hours?

- Stealing government secrets,
selling them to spies

No seriously,

I'm taking Major Hill
to the train station

She's been transferred

- Orders, ma'am

Be right back

- Do you find him to
be a bit humorless?

- It wasn't that funny

(ALF moaning)

- [ALF] Where am I?

- Don't look now,
the mail's awake

- Be quiet, ALF

- [ALF] I remember now

I'm being abducted by humans

There's a switch

- Shut up, ALF

- [ALF] I have to
use the bathroom

- ALF, get down

- [ALF] Ow!

That was exceptionally
painful, on a full bladder

- Everything seems
to be in order

- Thank you Sergeant,
we have to go now

- [ALF] You're telling me

- Beg your pardon?

- You're telling me

Thanks

- [ALF] I don't recognize
this part of the country

Could be this bag that I'm in

- Yeah, and you're
gonna stay in that bag,

until we get where we're going

Where are we going?

- Every hear of Dexter Moyers?

- Yeah, UFO guy, got
drummed out of NASA

- No, he wasn't drummed
out, he resigned

He testified in front of
a Congressional committee

that alien sightings
should be made public

So they transferred him
to simulator maintenance

- How come you know
so much about him?

- He was a friend
of my father's

I called him, and he
offered to help us

- Where does he live?

- Near the Arizona-New
Mexico border

- [ALF] Oh goody, I
should be able to swim

out of this bag by then

(crickets chirping)

(TV voices)

- Why are you so steamed ALF?

We saved your life

- Saved my life?

You took me from my friends,

whom incidentally, I was
making a good living off of

- Okay, I checked
with the front desk,

there's no room service

- Big surprise

We're lucky there's plumbing

- What if Rick went out and
got you something to eat?

Would that make you happy?

- You can't buy me with food

Unless it's fried chicken

- I'll see what's open

- A couple of burgers, maybe

- Right, chicken or burgers

- No, chicken and burgers

And donuts, and get
some beet juice

I like to dunk

- Man

- Also, if there's a
laundry mat around,

I suggest you wash
that mail bag

- Why?

As long as it's

- I told you to stop
at a clean gas station

- I'll go see about that food

- Last call, anyone want
the runny white part?

Going, going, gone

- Can we get some sleep
now, it's three a.m.

- The night is young

Who's up for a game of Twister

- Where did you
put the sedative?

- I heard that

- Please ALF, we need rest

- Well, how shall we handle
the sleeping arrangements?

I should get the bed, being
that I'm already on it,

and I'm shedding

- Fine, we'll stay
here on the couch

- Evidently we paired
up for the evening

- We haven't paired up, there's
just no place else to sit

- Oh tish tosh

You two have been
playing Ken and Barbie

ever since we left the base

(TV voices)

- Could you turn the TV down?

- Nothing but infomercials
on at this hour

- How about turning it off?

- Oh look, it's the
one for the Wonder Rag

- Okay

(TV voices)

- [ALF] Jump, jump, jump, jump,

jump, jump, jump, jump

One two three four

Jump, jump, jump, jump

One two three four

Jump, jump, jump, jump
(knocking on door)

Jump jump jump jump

- Someone's at the door

(knocking on door)

- ALF, hide in the bathroom

- It's been a long time since
those words were uttered

- Evening folks

- Hello

- Hi

- Name's Ernie

I drive a truck

If you look right behind
me in the parking lot,

you'll see my 18-wheeler

- Oh yeah, there it is

16, 17, 18, right

- Yeah, well being on the
road 20 straight hours

can make a body tired

- And irritable

- Kind of hard to sleep

when all you hear from
the room next door

is the incessant pounding
of a bed on the wall

- I'm sorry

I apologize, we were

- Look, I was a newlywed
myself once buddy but, dang

- We're not

- Point made

- ALF, the coast is clear,
you can come out now

ALF?

Oh no

- What?

What now?

- He's gone

- [Voice On TV] And
now the big question,

how much would you expect to pay

for the amazing Wonder Rag
and passive hanging hook?

- 20 bucks

- [Voice On TV] Think
before you answer

- Darn

- [Voice On TV] Because
of the special TV bonus,

we'll throw in this
plastic protective bib,

and a gallon of sawdust

for those stubborn
industrial spills

- That's worth five, 25

(bell dinging)

- [Voice On TV] A
hundred dollars?

50 dollars?

What if I was to say
you get everything

for only 19 dollars
and 95 cents?

Try purchasing a rag and sawdust

for anything less than that

Let's check on Cindy
and see how she's doing

- Hi

- Hi

- Do you have a phone?

- What?

- All right, take your time,

get over the initial shock,

then answer my question

Do you have a phone?

- Pay phone

Outside

- How about a coat?

- What for?

- You said the phone
was outside, didn't you?

- Yeah

- Then I'll need a coat,

and a hat if you have one

- Yeah, yeah

- And I'll need a quarter

- Yeah

Sure

Anything

You're not gonna
bite me are you?

- Not for a quarter

- You're not from
around here, are you?

- Minnesota

- But somehow I thought it
would be farther than that

- Michigan

- Yeah

Yeah, the Wolverine State

That would explain it

- I appreciate the loan
of the hat and coat,

and the quarter

And I have to go now

You continue with your
evening and have a good time,

if you know what I mean

Bye bye

(phone ringing)

- J Barracks, Airman Murphy

- Murph, is that you?

- ALF?

It's five o'clock
in the morning,

and too early for room service

- I'm not calling
for room service

I'm not even calling
from my room

Ask me where I am

- Where are you?

- I'm standing on a corner
somewhere in Arizona,

not a fine sight to see

Hold it

There's someone slowing
down to take a look at me

- Yeah, right

A girl in a flatbed Ford, huh?

- How'd you know?

- Just a guess

Goodnight ALF

- Wait a minute Murph,
I'm not kidding

- You're telling me
you're off the base?

- Yes, I was kidnapped
by Rick and Melissa

- Major Hill and
Captain Mullican?

- Oh forgive me, I
forgot my protocol

- Where are they?

- At the motel

- What are they
doing in a motel?

- Not much

They're just good friends

Look, I gotta keep this short

That girl in the flatbed
Ford just came back

Looks like she's got a
gun, and eats red meat

- What do you want me to do?

- Bring me my cash,
my credit cards,

and my pool cue

I might have to
work for a living

- I'll do what I can

Where can I get a hold of you?

- Leave a message
on the internet

(late night jazz)

Kitty Kat Lounge

Oh boy, breakfast

(dog barking)

- Any luck?

- No

If it wasn't for bad luck,

we'd be having no luck at all

- Okay, I'll get the
van and search the town

- Hold on

I got a hunch

You wait in the room
in case he comes back

- Where are you going?

- [Rick] I'll be right back

? Come get, get
a piece of this ?

? I give you love, I
start with a simple kiss ?

? I'll take you higher,
higher than before ?

? I'll love you down

? Then I'll take just
a little bit more ?

? So don't you be,
don't be holding back ?

? I got that game

? It'll give you
a heart attack ?

? I've got something for you

? And it's love

? I've got something for you

? Yes it be love

- So, what are you drinking?

- Uh, nothing

I'd like to see a menu, though

- Yeah well, we
don't serve food

- Isn't this the
Kitty Kat Lounge?

- Yep

- Well I'd like a nice, big,
fat calico, medium rare

- Are you some kind of sicko?

(screaming)

- All right, all right

Take it easy

- What's the problem?

- Look

- Hi

- What the heck is that thing?

- It's okay, it's
okay, I can explain

- Do it

Now

- Mardi gras

We're on our way to mardi gras,

and hence the costumes

- What mardi gras?

- What costumes?

- The ones we're wearing

- What costumes?

- Okay, gotta go now

- You're not going anywhere

There's a two drink minimum

- Each

- Well in that case,

I'd like a Melmacian martini

If you don't have
fresh cat juice,

you can substitute ferret

- Okay, here you
go, here you go

Thanks very much

Something for the
lady, appreciate it

Okay, come on,
let's go, let's go

Come on

- I hope you're not
trying to win any prizes

with those outfits

The Village People
uniform's okay,

but that dog suit's the worst

- Permission to bite
the bouncer sir

- Denied, keep moving

Come on

- Hey, easy on the dog suit

It's a rental

- Oh great, the cops

- What's so great about that?

- Let's see if I've
got this right

Around 4:32 a.m. a short
furry creature comes in

- It was a wolverine

- A wolverine

- He was from Michigan

A legend

- A wolverine, from Michigan,

asked to use the phone,

then proceeded to steal
your hat and coat?

- No no no, he borrowed 'em

But let's be realistic

I'll never see 'em again

- Oh I wouldn't be so sure

- What were you thinking?

Now this place is
crawling with cops

- Let's hope they leave before
the helicopters get here

- What helicopters?

- Army, Navy, Air
Force, Marines

I might have inadvertently
alerted the military

- How might that have happened?

- Phone call

- Who?

- Mine

- When?

- Before

- How?

- Collect

- Are you sure?

- You're getting it straight
from the wolverine's mouth

- Why?

- Because I need my things

- I'm not talking to
you, I'm talking to Him

- We have to get
out of here, now

- In what?

A military van?

They've probably got
an APB out on it

- May I suggest
a vehicle change?

- No, no, you may not

- Fine

- We really shouldn't
drive that van

- Okay,

how would you suggest
facilitating a vehicle change?

- What vehicle change?

- The one you suggested earlier

- Sure it was me?

- Why are you even
listening to him?

- A vehicle change
is not a bad idea

- I'll take care of it

- You can't go outside

- I just did

- Let him go

All right, you
have five minutes

- Fine, no problem

Get you a vehicle

(bell dinging)

- Oh oh

- Remember me?

- The guy from Michigan

- Yeah, I'm returning
your hat and coat

Much obliged

And your quarter

- Thank you

- I have another gift for you

You see that van outside there?

- The one that says, property
of US government on the side?

- That's the one

It's yours

I'm with the government,
and we want you to have it

- Really?

- Yeah, what else do you need?

- I don't know

Socks

- No problem

I'll send you a gross

I hope you look good
in Air Force blue

Hey, you like music?

- Yeah

- I'll send you some CD's

Is 100 enough?

- What's the catch?

- No catch, no catch

You lent me a quarter, I'm
giving you a brand new van,

and a thousand dollars
worth of merchandise

When you do good things,

it comes back to you

- Wow, thanks

- Oh, stupid me

I gave you my van

How am I gonna get
where I'm going?

What kind of car do you drive?

- A '59 Caddy

- What's it worth?

- Seven or eight hundred bucks

- All right well, let's see,

we got the van, the socks,

the CD's, you give me
the car, and 500 bucks,

and we'll call it even

- I don't have any money

- All right, all right,

you drive a hard bargain

Just give me the car

I guess you didn't
get to where you are,

by being stupid

- You gotta stay on your toes

- I don't suppose
there'd be any warranty

that goes with this car?

- No, a deal's a deal

Take it or leave it

- I'll take it

Oh by the way,

first chance you get,

you might want to have
that van repainted

Bye

- Air conditioning,

satin sheets, big screen TV

Potted palms, gentlemen,

do you mean to tell me the alien

has been living like this the
whole time he was locked up?

- No sir, his original
room was far more spacious,

but he complained
it was too drafty

- I see

Why didn't we just put him in
a suite at the Ritz/Carlton?

- Actually sir, ALF
did suggest that

- Put a lid on it, Sergeant

- Yes sir

- Colonel Milfoil

- Yes, Reese

- The red alert has
been issued sir

A high priority
search is in effect

for Major Hill, Captain
Mullican, and the alien

- Very well, son

Now I want you to get a mobile
command unit underway, ASAP

I intend to personally
handle every aspect

of this investigation

- It's already been
initialized sir

- What's this, roulette
table, one-armed bandits,

pinball machines,
blackjack table

His own personal casino

Did you know anything
about this, Reese?

- Yes sir

- What?

- But I only participated
on Wednesdays

It was Monte Carlo night

- You men are on report

- Yes sir

- He said he was giving a
full 2% to the homeless, sir

- [Gilbert] There
are no homeless

in the military, you idiot

- Hey, hey, hey, hey,

riding in the back of
a pink Cadillac jack,

snacking on a snack,

and thinking on
back, of old Melmac,

grew up in a shack,
without knickknacks

No rack and pinion steering,

my uncle hard of hearing,
the missus interfering

- ALF

- What?

- What are you doing?

- Rapping with the wind, dude,

about life back home

- You didn't grow up in a
shack with no knickknacks,

and you've never been married

- Hey, it's a rap

It doesn't have to make sense

- Now I asked you to get
down, and stay out of sight

- If I do that, I
can't eat the bugs

I get first dibs on
licking the windshield

- Yuck

- How much further?

- Not much

- Why would Carl Sagan
live way out here?

- It's not Carl Sagan,

it's Dexter Moyers

He's an ex-NASA test pilot,

and he is an expert on UFO's

- As long as it's
not Carl Sagan

- What's wrong with Carl Sagan?

- Besides his hair?

Well, for one thing,

he insists on pronouncing the
name of that planet, Uranus

You want to know the
correct pronunciation?

- No

- Fine

(horn blaring)

- He's gonna say it
anyway, isn't he?

- Probably

- Your anus

That's how it's pronounced

(rock music)

? Well at least you know
I'm out the door baby ?

? Don't want to stay
here anymore baby ?

? Hit the gas and turn
the wheel, I'm gone ?

? Gotta see if he's
apart too long ?

? Turn up the radio
and play it loud ?

? Don't need no for any doubt

? Don't matter what
you want to do ?

? Ride your lovin'
gonna see me through ?

? Just want to drive
till the midnight hour ?

? Can't stay away from
your lovin' flower ?

? Stop drivin' let
the sunshine in ?

? Don't know what
kind of state I'm in ?

? Warm wind blowin'
through your hair ?

? We could end up
almost anywhere ?

- You know, we've been
driving almost 10 minutes,

I haven't seen another
car on this highway

- This isn't a highway,

it's Dexter Moyers' driveway

? Don't ready and slide on in

- [ALF] Wow, a shopping mall

- Okay, I'll admit
it, I'm intimidated

- I'll go in and
check things out,

if you stay here with ALF

- Get some rice pudding

- Will you get down
behind the seat?

- Oh, hey look

Another gin bottle

Dead soldier

(glass smashing)

- Get down

- [Machine Voice]
Kindly state your name

and nature of business

- Melissa Hill,

I'm here to see Doctor
Moyers, he's expecting me

- [Machine Voice]
Please wait, processing

- Melissa?

- Yes

- I'm Nina, Doctor
Moyers' assistant

Please, come in

Your friend too

- You know, I
thought that I would

talk to Doctor Moyers first

- Of course

He looks almost human

- That's my associate,
Rick Mullican

- Oh

- May I offer you a refreshment?

- No, no thanks

- Wasted trip

- Talk about almost human

- That's Rocket, our server-bot

- Melissa

- Pleasure to meet you
again, Doctor Moyers

- Please, it's Dexter,
and call me Dex

I can't believe it,

you are the spitting
image of your dad

- So I've been told

- Sit down

Your father was quite a guy

I'll never forget the first
time I met him at NASA,

we were working on a
secret missile project,

and the first thing he
did was pull out a picture

of his nine-year-old
daughter, Pork Chop

- Pork chop?

- Yeah, he named you after
his most glorious moment,

when he and his battalion
took Pork Chop Hill

- Hors d'oeuvres

- You hungry?

- No

No thank you

- Oh for two

- I should get back to the car

- Pull in the garage,
you can come in the back

- Great

And thank you for

- Aiding and abetting?

It's my pleasure

I gotta tell you,

I'm very excited about
meeting your friend

- He's a handful

- Well, we'll try and
make him feel safe

And I promise I won't
call you Pork Chop

Anyway, I know your
middle name is Angel

- That's right

- Much more fitting

- I'm gonna go get
my friends now

- Okay

- So, everything all right?

Did you see Moyers?

- Yes, and he is
terrific, he's perfect

- Would that gorgeous
young earthling

who answered the door
happen to be Missus Moyers?

- No, I think he's single

- Let's hope they
have a hot tub

- Welcome back

- Rick, this is Doctor Moyers

Dexter

Dex

Dex, this is Rick Mullican

- Hi Rick

- Doctor, heard a lot about you

- I want to thank you
both for risking so much

to save the alien life form

Speaking of which,
where's the little guy?

- ALF?

- [ALF] What?

- You can come in now

- [ALF] Not so fast

They have a cat

Here, kitty kitty kitty kitty

Here, kitty kitty kitty

(cat meowing)

- ALF, get in here

- [ALF] I'll be back
with my boning knife

- ALF, this is
Doctor Dexter Moyers

- Howdy partner

- Well Doctor Moyers,
what do you think?

- I think this is
the moment I've been

waiting for, my entire life

- Me too

- Well, come on in

- Not so fast

What's the seventh
planet from the sun?

- Uranus?

- Lay down McDuff

(dramatic orchestral music)

- Amazing, absolutely amazing

- Would you care for
an eighth dessert, sir?

- Muchos gracias, rock meister

Keep 'em coming

- That's the extent of the
rice pudding, I'm afraid

Unless you'd like to
lick the container

- I would indeed

- Another gallon of cam
juice to wash it down?

- How did you know?

- I must be psychic

- Your metabolism is incredible,

what's your diet like on Melmac?

- Fruits, vegetables,

free range kitten

Pretty strict, I used to
be an underwear model

- So many questions
I want to ask you,

about space, time, the universe

- I have a few
questions for you

Questions about Nina

Her likes, her dislikes,

and would she like to
be an underwear model?

- This is the most incredible
place I have every seen, Dex

I could live here

- There's plenty of room

- What do you think
of the joint, Rick?

You haven't said much

- Oh, obviously,
it's pretty amazing,

I mean the computers,
the communication hookup,

production facilities

I can't think of
anything you don't have

(ALF sneezing)

- Napkins

You could use more napkins

- I'll put napkins
on the shopping list

- You do your own shopping?

- Yeah, and the cooking

- Wow

- Wow

- Does that surprise you?

- No, I thought
maybe Nina did it

- No, Nina doesn't cook

- She doesn't have to

And you never will

(ALF belching)

- You rang sir?

- No, but while you're here,

would you mind vacuuming my lap?

Nina needs a clean place to sit

- I'll return with the shop vac

Next time I'll remember
to lay down a tarp

- That's the first robot
I've seen with attitude

- Yeah, I modeled
him after my ex-wife

- You designed Rocket yourself?

- Yeah, when I was at NASA

- Wow

He shops, he cooks,
he builds robots

- Guess I'm quite a guy, huh?

- Yeah, speaking of NASA,
what happened over there

that caused you to
get drummed out?

- Dex wasn't drummed out

He resigned because
the government

was suppressing information

that he thought
should be made public

- Ah

- If I ever use that tone
of voice with you, smack me

- Here's what happened

In 1978, two other
NASA test pilots and I

spotted a UFO over Utah,

and I was the only
one to publicly admit
we'd seen anything

- The government denied
everything and Dex was demoted,

but he could have been
the next man on the moon

- The first guy was sure a bust

- Neil Armstrong?

- Yeah

He had about as much
personality as sled tracks

And that one giant step thing,

I mean, who was
his speechwriter?

Andy Rooney?

- No, I think Neil came
up with that himself

- They should have
left him on the moon

- Didn't I read
something, somewhere,

about you being implicated
in the lobo incident?

- The lobo incident
was the biggest lie

the government ever
made up about me

- Let's just drop it

Okay, Rick?

- Fine

- How do you feel about dating
outside of your species?

- It wouldn't be the first time

(laughing)

- Isn't she delightful?

- If I recall correctly,

the government accused you

of being an informant
or something, right?

- Rick!

- No no no, I didn't
say it, they did

- You're being really
discourteous to our host

- Yeah, after all
he's provided us

- You're right

I apologize, I was out of line

- Look, my only purpose
even in the beginning,

was to go public with the truth

Some people don't like that

- Wait a minute

Is that the plan?

You want to go public with ALF?

- Absolutely

Once people know ALF
exists, he'll be safe

- And let's not forget the
merchandising possibilities

- Do you really want
to see ALF dolls

in all the toy stores?

- As long as they're plush

I don't render well in vinyl

- You're serious about
exposing ALF to the public!

- Yeah

I'm expecting a call
from Nigel Neville

- Nigel Neville?

From Global Television Network?

- He's an old friend of mine

- Of course

- I'm trying to get ALF booked
on his show tomorrow night

It'll be broadcast
worldwide from London

- Nigel Neville Live?

You really think
that's the best way

to reveal ALF to the world?

- Rick has a point

I say we hold out for Baywatch

- If anybody's interested,
I think it's a big risk

Getting on a plane,
flying to London,

and putting ALF completely
at the mercy of the media

- We're not taking ALF anywhere

We'll do the interview from
here by satellite feed

I'd never put ALF in harm's way

- Now, don't you feel foolish?

We'll do London
another time, Ducky

(romantic instrumental music)

Psst, Rick?

Rick wake up

- ALF, what are you doing?

- I need to contact
Murphy on the internet,

but I don't know how
to work Dex's computer

- Why don't you get
Dex to help you?

- Rick, I've never
seen you like this

- There's something about the
guy, I just don't like him

- No, I mean from this angle

I thought I had a
lot of nose hair

Come on, come on, let's go

- Oh man

- All right, here's
a list of the things

I want Murphy to send me

I promised Nina nylons

I hope she looks good
in Air Force blue

- You really think you've
got a chance with her?

- I do if I can
get those nylons

Oh, give me the list, I
forgot to add oysters

- What's Nina gonna
do with oysters?

- They're not for
her, they're for me

- Hey ALF,

what do you make of this?

Oh

- You boys having
trouble sleeping?

- No, no, ALF just needed
to use the computer

- Well I was just concerned,

because when the
computer is turned on,

so are the security cameras,

and everything in this
room gets videotaped

- Oh,

he just wanted to send
something over the internet,

this list of items

- Maybe I can help

- Yeah Rick, get up

Let someone who knows what
they're doing get in there

- If you need me
I'll be in my room

- We won't need you

Now, about the last
item on this list here

I think that we should
specify strapless

(knocking on door)

- Melissa?

Melissa?

- Who is it?

- It's Rick

- Come in

- Oh, hi

Look, I'm sorry, I've been
acting like a jealous idiot

- Apology accepted

Goodnight

- Yeah, but that doesn't
change my mind about Dexter

In fact, I just saw
something on his computer

that makes me even
more suspicious

- Like what?

- I don't know,

a file called Operation Payback

It's a list of
names, timetables,

numbers, big numbers

It has something to do with ALF

- Just wanted to make sure

everything was
all right in here

- Rick was just
saying goodnight

- That's a great idea, we've
got a big day tomorrow,

a monumental day, we
should all get some sleep

- Yeah

Goodnight

- Goodnight

- Goodnight, Rick

- I get the feeling Rick's
a little apprehensive

about our plans for tomorrow

- He's okay

He just wants to make sure
we're doing the right thing

- Do you think we're
doing the right thing?

- Oh I do

I do

Aren't we?

- Telling the truth's
always the right thing

I'll see you in the morning

Goodnight, Angel

(soft orchestral music)

(dramatic instrumental music)

- A few more curly fries
from underneath the bed,

and I think we'll
have it all, sir

- How long were they here?

- Six hours, sir

- Six hours?

- Burnt sienna

- Close,

we're very close gentlemen

Put that in the bag, Sergeant

Thank you

(phone ringing)

(ALF belching)

- You mean to tell me there's
nothing on the videotape?

- He must have turned
off the security camera

- And no one heard
a car starting,

and somebody driving away?

- I'm afraid not, sir

- Hold a moment please

It's the London Times,

they want to know why
Nigel Neville bumped

Nelson Mandela off the show
tonight, to interview you

- Tell them to watch,
and they'll find out

- Your scones sir,
and clotted cream

- Oh right, rock of ages

Where's the cheddar cheese?

- I'll leave for
Wisconsin, immediately

- Drive safely

- Good morning

You wanted to see me?

- Yeah Melissa, I do

- Yo Dex, let me tell her

Guess who flew the
coop last night?

I'll give you a hint

Rick

- Rick's gone

- Bailed, took a powder,

vamoosed, splitsville,
hasta la vista baby

- Where did he go?

- We thought you might know

- How would I know?

- Did he discuss it with
you, or leave a note?

- No

I'm just as
surprised as you are

- Okay

Find him

- Where do you
think he went, ALF?

- Beats me

Pass the donuts

- [Man On Phone]
Lab administration

- Pete?

- Hey Rick, is that you?

- Thank God, you're
in the office

- Hey man, where are you?

- I'm off base

Way off base

Anyway, I guess by now everybody
knows what happened, huh?

- You mean like you
guys going AWOL,

and abducting a
military hostage?

Hey, there's some speculation

- I'll bet

Listen Pete,

I need a favor

- Well what do you need, Rick?

- [Rick] I want you to
access the central data bank

Get me any information you can

on a military scandal
called the lobo incident

- Lobo, huh?

That sounds familiar

- [Rick] Yeah, it happened
around 1979, maybe '80

- [Pete] All right, I'm on it

Hey where do I get
in touch with you?

- [Rick] You can't

I'll call you back

- [Pete] Okay well,
give me an hour,

and I'll try to have
something by then

- Thanks Pete, I appreciate it

- Hey Rick,

it's good talking to you

You take care, okay buddy?

- Yeah, you too, thanks

- Did you get that, Reese?

- Every word, sir

We're tracing the
call right now

- Find him, son

For Mama

- 47-inch waist

- I'm going on a diet
after the holidays

- 15-inch neck

- Look, I'll save
you a lot of trouble

I'm the same suit
size as Danny Devito,

and the same dress
size as his wife

- The satellite
uplink is online,

but we're still having trouble

with the phone line to Kuwait

- Keep me posted

- 42-inch sleeve

- What are you doing?

- I'm fitting ALF
for his spacesuit

- I want to look
authentic on the air

- You're the real thing, how
much more authentic do we need?

- Dex is getting a
little stagefright

We'll talk later

(phone ringing)

- Yeah

- You know Dex,

I've been thinking about
being merchandised

We've gotta be careful

I don't want it to
look like we sold out

- That's right, a '59 Caddy

- You know, like putting
those Disney characters

on a diaper pail was
an embarrassment,

probably the reason
Katzenberg left

- [Dex] Good, now
find the driver

- And I think we
should draw the line

on extruded cheese products,

and anything gelatinous

Let's not follow in
Bill Cosby's footsteps

- Fine, nothing gelatinous

- Hi, ALF, what are
you doing on the table?

- I'd like to think of
it more as a pedestal

- The lighting director says
he's ready to talk to you

- Great, if you're
not lit right,

the camera can add 20
pounds to your nose

We learned that from the
Gerard Depardieu movies

- Dex, can I talk
to you for a minute?

- I'll go help ALF

- What's on your mind?

- Rick, have we heard from him?

- No, not a thing

- I'm a little
worried about him

After all we are, were,

in this together

- Sorry he let you down

- Last night when he
came into my room,

he was really upset

He said that he saw
something on your computer

I didn't really think
much of it at the time,

but I just overheard
a conversation between

two of your associates,

and they were talking
about the same thing

What is Operation Payback?

- More coffee?

- No, no

- I'll take a cup
of that java, ma'am

- Sir

- Captain

Guess you'd better
make that to go, hon

Yes!

- I'm sorry it had
to come down to this,

because I really do
like you, you know

- I can't believe I
led ALF into a trap

- Don't think of it as a trap,

think of it as an opportunity

I promise you ALF won't be hurt,

he's much too valuable for that

- I know, merchandising

- Melissa, you don't understand

ALF is the merchandise

- You're selling ALF?

- To the highest bidder

But only once I
prove to the world

that extraterrestrial
life exists

- You're never gonna
get away with this,

the government will hound
you until the day you die

- No, they can't, Angel

- Don't ever call me that

- Once I expose ALF, the
government has no credibility,

and I think you deserve
something for that

How about a million dollars

and safe passage
out of the country?

- I hate you

- Think about it

Consider your options

Want to watch some TV?

I hear Nigel Neville has a
pretty good show on tonight

- We will find the alien
whether you cooperate or not

- Sure, it just might take
a little longer if I don't

- We've got him in our sights

I've ground units covering
a 600-mile radius

- Oh, you're assuming
they're traveling by land

- What?

- Oh, nothing

I was just saying, if they're
in private plane for example,

every hour that
ticks by puts them

hundreds of miles further away

- You listen to me, you
traitorous little twerp

You better come clean
and quickly, too,

or I'm gonna kick
your butt so hard,

your breath's gonna
smell like shoe polish

- All right, I'll cooperate

I knew you were monitoring
those phone calls into the base

I wanted you to find me

I'm ready to make a deal

- What kind of deal?

- I'll lead you to them,

if you promise not to
harm ALF or Melissa

- Why would I agree to that?

- Because if you don't find
them in the next 50 minutes,

it'll be too late

ALF will be revealed
to the world,

and your entire
career will be a sham

(dramatic orchestral music)

- That's enough Louie,
I'm not Burt Reynolds

- Six minutes to
air, Doctor Moyers

- The bidders standing by?

- All but the King of Yemen

He's still in morning prayers

- He'd better pray he's
got enough money to bid

by the time it
gets around to him

By the way, US dollars only,

no rubles, no yen, no
francs, no drachmas,

and definitely no pesos

50 million dollar opening bid,

and increments of 10
million after that

Where's ALF?

- Green room

How do you feel, cutie?

- A tad nervous

I thought I'd open with
a couple of toilet jokes,

to get the English
audience on my side

Hey, hey, just walk away, Renee

I don't want to
appear overly groomed

- You look adorable

- How you doin' champ?

- Oh oh

What do you think?

- Why does he have
an ascot and a pipe?

- He asked for them, sir

- I work well with props

- You don't need props

Just go out there
and be yourself

Get rid of these

- I'll mail them
back to Hugh Hefner

- I thought I'd open
with a joke, or two

No no, no jokes, ALF

- Here's one,

what's the difference between

a shower curtain
and toilet paper?

- I don't know

- So you're the one!

(laughing)

Get it?

Then I thought I'd segue
into some of the B material

- No jokes

- Gee Dex, I'm starting to
see a big change in you

Are you getting enough sleep?

- Three minutes to air

- I'll bring you out right after
the first commercial break

- Who's the sponsor?

- What different does it make?

- I just don't want to follow

some feminine hygiene product

- I gotta go

- You know, there must be a way

to work in some of these jokes,

without looking too obvious

- He said, no jokes
ALF, and he means it

- Gee Nina, I'm starting to
see a change in you, too

- [Nigel] Hey Dex, do
you hear me, buddy?

- Loud and clear, Nigel

- You want to give me some idea

of what we're talking
about tonight

- You're gonna have to
trust me on that one, Nige

I haven't let you
down yet, have I?

- No, now wouldn't be
a good time to start

Nelson Mandela is
a little miffed

- I'll bet

- We're up on the bird, and
the phone lines are open

- They'd better be,
there's a lot at stake

- All right, we're going
to remote everyone

In five, four, three, two, and

- Good evening

Tonight on Nigel Neville Live,

we'll be talking to
Doctor Dexter Moyers,

America's leading
authority on UFO's,

cult figure,
best-selling author

He says that tonight we're
in for a bit of a surprise,

so stay put, would you?

- I've been thinking

Maybe going on that
English guy's TV program

isn't the right approach

I could make more money
in a concert tour

- You're going on
TV, and it's settled

You'll do fine, Sweetie, really

- I want to talk to Melissa

I could be making
a bad career move

- ALF, now isn't really the
time to talk to Melissa

She's, she's busy

- Dexter Moyers,
there he is folks,

renegade test pilot,
NASA scientist,

almost walked on the moon

How are you, buddy?

- I'm great, Nigel

(belching)

- I have to use the
little alien's room

- You can't

- I must

- ALF! No

- I must

- Get back here

- A lot of folks at NASA,

when the name Dexter
Moyers is mentioned,

talk about sour grapes

You once reported
sighting a UFO,

and your government
not only denied it,

but made sure that you
never reported another,

or so you say

What's the real story, Dex?

- The real story
unfolds tonight, Nigel

It's the culmination
of all my years

of believing the existence
of extraterrestrial life

Tonight, the truth
will be known,

and I'll be vindicated, because
now there is living proof

- Whoa whoa whoa,
hold it right there

Are you telling me
that somewhere on the
face of this Earth

there is an actual alien?

- There is an
actual alien, Nigel,

and he's right here in
this studio with me,

in a minute, you and
millions of your viewers

are gonna meet him

- Oh come on, Dex

- He's from the planet,
Melmac, and his name is ALF

- Well that's pretty
serious stuff, Dex

And we'll be right
back to check it out

In a minute folks, we'll find
out whether it's a scoop,

or a hoax, so stand
by to meet ALF

Stay put, won't you?

- Please come out for me now

- [ALF] Where's
the room freshener?

- ALF come out, they
are ready for you now

- Doctor Moyers

Doctor Moyers

- Where's ALF?

- He's locked himself
in the bathroom

- What?

- He doesn't want
to do the show

- Well get him out of
there, knock down the door,

just bring it, go on

- ALF!

Come out, they're ready for you

- [ALF] I can't, my
foot's stuck in the bidet

- Please?

- Get out of the
way, open up ALF

- [ALF] Back off
buddy, take a number

- They're on the air

- How's my hair?

- Sparse

- Get out

- Well, we're back folks
with Dexter Moyers, and ALF

- Are you there, Dex?

- Right here, Nigel

- Well, we're all sitting
on the edge of our chairs,

with our breath baited

We're ready to meet ALF

- [Man] He's still
locked in the john

- He doesn't seem to
be here at the moment

- Now why doesn't
that surprise me?

- I mean he's here,
in the studio

He's just not here beside me

He's getting his nose powdered,

he's a little sensitive about
how big it appears on TV,

you understand

- We've got to move
things along, Dex

We've got the whole
world watching

- I'm sure they're
getting him right now

- Gosh, I don't know
what's happened

We seem to have lost
our satellite feed

- The show's over, Dexter

You've been canceled

All right Lieutenant, let's
mop up this operation

And I want that alien unharmed

- Yes, sir

- ALF, open up

Hey hey hey

- Well folks, as I said
before the commercial,

this was either a
scoop, or a hoax,

and now I guess we
know which one it was

We'll take another
commercial break,

and when we come
back, we'll talk

- Take your hands
off me, airman

Let go of me

- Relax, these are the
good times, Captain

Enjoy the fruits of your labor

- Rick?

- Melissa?

Hey go easy with her, I
thought we had a deal?

- How about this
for deal, Captain?

You and your associate
get to be court marshaled,

plus, and I'm throwing
this in as a bonus,

the alien will be
dead by next week

That good enough for you?

- I knew you
couldn't be trusted

The committee should
know what it is

you've been planning all along

- [Gilbert] Yeah, what's that?

- This is the requisition form

for the poison serum
you ordered to kill ALF

- What serum?

- Let me refresh your memory

Level three
biohazardous material,

section 12-801,
requested by you

- I didn't request
anything, Captain

In fact, I think if
you look closely,

you'll see Lieutenant
Reese's signature

on that piece of
paper, not mine

That's what Second Lieutenant's
are for, to take the fall

Nevertheless,

let me file that
for safekeeping

Oh my, oh dear, look at this

Oh what a shame

Well, it was a worthless
piece of paper anyway

- Nice working with you, sir

- Sergeant

Take him away

He disgusts me

(humming)

- All right fellas,
once more from the top

A one, and a two,
and a kick, kick

Now come on men, lighten up

It's me, your ex-bookie

- Welcome back

- Thanks

Forgive me, if I don't get up

- Well well well,

didn't you lead us on
a merry little chase?

A delightful little
chase indeed

- You don't seem to delighted

- Oh, but I am

In fact, I couldn't be happier

See, your escape
attempt will prove

to be the final
nail in your coffin

- What escape attempt?

I was kidnapped

- Oh please

We both know that
Hill and Mullican

weren't acting on their own

You manipulated their minds,
you clouded their thoughts

- I think you have me confused
with the psychic hotline

- Now you listen to me,
you furry little freak

When we exterminate you,

we're gonna be sending a message

to every other
extraterrestrial out there

We will no longer
be intimidated,

not me, not my mama, not anyone

- Your mama?

Did he say his mama?

Where did that come from?

- You drove my mama insane,

you and your kind

- I didn't even know your mama

I'm sure she was a great mama

- In 48 hours, the
committee will reconvene

to determine your future,

or the lack of it,
to be more precise

Project: ALF is about
to be terminated,

not just the
project, but the ALF

Arrivederci, baby

- Any chance of me
getting a cappuccino?

(guns cocking)

Apparently not

(dramatic orchestral music)

- I can honestly say that I

really had my doubts
about you, Colonel

- Oh really, why sir?

- Well, I always thought you
had your own personal agenda

But obviously, the whole country

owes you a huge
vote of confidence

- I thank you, General

Cheers

- Cheers

- Oh, speaking of votes

Would you happen to know when
the New Hampshire primary is?

- March or April, I think

Why?

- Just curious

(knocking on door)

- Come in

- Permission to enter sir?

- What is it, Lieutenant?

- Before your committee
reconvenes, General Stone,

I have a videotape that you
may be interested in seeing

- Look, we've seen
all the videotapes

on the alien we need
to see, thank you

- ALF's not in this one, sir

You are

- What?

- Allow me

- This is the requisition form

for the poison serum you
ordered to kill ALF with

- What serum?

- Well let me
refresh your memory

Level three,
biohazardous material,

section 12-801,
requested by you

- I didn't request
anything, Captain

In fact, if you look close,

you'll see Lieutenant
Reese's signature

on that piece of
paper, not mine

See, that's what Second
Lieutenants are for,

to take the fall

But let me file that
for safekeeping

- Permission to be excused sir?

- Permission granted

It is the further
determination of this panel,

that an official apology
be sent to all of you

- Suitable for framing, we hope

- Absolutely, ALF

- Good, I have the frames,

- As far as this
committee is concerned

we will do everything possible

to guarantee the
safety and comfort

of our ambassador from
another galaxy, ALF

- This ambassador is
pretty high-maintenance

- We know, we've
seen the food bills

- Lastly we would like to thank

our fine young officers
for a job well-done

To First Lieutenant,
Harold Reese,

for bringing certain
evidence to our attention,

and to Colonel Melissa Hill,

and Major Rick Mullican,

for their exceptional courage
and dedication upon yourself,

our congratulations
to all of you,

on your pending promotions

- Hear that?

I'm still your superior officer

- Permission to discuss
it over dinner, Colonel?

- Permission granted

- The banquet you ordered sir

- I've taken the liberty of
having my assistant, Rocket,

provide us with a little nosh

- What a mensh

- It's the least I could
do to show my appreciation

Go ahead, Rocky
Wagner, do your thing

- I'm in robot hell

Popcorn, peanuts, pretzels

- Help yourselves folks,
they're only a dollar a bag

- Well then, if there
is no further business,

this hearing is

- Wait, wait, let me do it

This hearing is impaired

Aha

- [Rick] Do you
have a gavel truck?

Where did you get this?

(dramatic orchestral music)